Tag Archives: Exes

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51

That’s how old I am.

That’s how many hours that I spent with Scorpio.

I told my friend whom I’d met on the dating app that was maybe not wise.

I’m so glad that it worked out.

She’s open hearted and I’m generous, so we were able to get to know each other and have some excitement build naturally.

I’m starting to get attached to her. When we fell asleep on our second night together which was Valentine’s Day we were holding hands. She drifted off more quickly than I and I could feel our heartbeats synchronizing.

I know from my ex-GF that’s oxytocin beginning to build, because I noticed that I could feel hers and my pulse in a movie theater when we were holding hands after she and I had been together almost 4-months. I’d never had that experience prior.

I certainly didn’t expect Scorpio’s and my heartbeats to synch like that after one night together.

I absolutely love kissing her. I can’t remember ever enjoying kissing someone this much. I can read and gauge how she is feeling and is moving when she kisses me. We have lovely chemistry and connection.

When we woke up on Saturday morning, she had to get all pieces of her costume coordinated for the Mardi Gras parade. Then we went to an Art Center and I began meeting her friends. They were welcoming and genuinely interested in connecting with me. That felt so encouraging.

After the parade she handed me a felt rose and kissed me. Scorpio had to remove pieces of her costume and cool off a little bit. We went with her friends to a bar that they always go to after the parade and she asked me to go to the dance floor with her. The band was good. I always find that I feel so uncomfortable on a dance floor, but I had fun watching her and her friends. After a few songs I sat down and realized that it wasn’t safe for us to have her expensive speaker and all the pieces of her costume that she made at the bar. I told her that I was going to take our things back to our hotel, which I did.

When I came back, one of her friends sat on the bench with me on the dance floor and put her arm around me and said, “I’m so glad that I got to meet you!”

Is it natural to begin contrasting relationships when you begin a new one?

I didn’t like any of my ex-GFs friends. I found them shallow and status driven.

Scorpio’s friends are entertaining and all pure love. We had lunch with them and laughed and connected. I’m not very good in a group; however, I can connect with folks 1-1 and found doing so with her friends was seamless.

I don’t like or wear gold. My ex-GF’s daughter picked out a gold necklace that she wanted and then my ex-GF gave it to me for Christmas. Later in the spring, after I’d already tried to break up with her, she bought me my birthstone on a silver necklace. I’m thinking that was just because I had ordered her a custom ring to replace the two diamond rings that men had sold which were hers. It was like something transactional.

Scorpio took the lyrics to an intro to an 80s rap song and wrote a poem about her manifesting her Valentine. She illustrated a little comic book too. Her gift to me which accompanied the comic book was Lego love bears, and we’ll be putting them together next weekend by the fire at her house. She made the comic book and wrapping paper from a paper bag and it was beautiful. I didn’t want to unwrap it. I was so touched that she believes that she needed me and put out into the world that she wanted a girlfriend and a Valentine. I am excited to put our Lego bears together too. I wonder if she’ll let me take them both? Likely she’ll keep one. I’ll put the other one in my hutch.

My ex-GF took a painting that she made at her daughter’s second birthday off of her wall in her group practice room and wrapped it in Christmas paper then she gave it to me after my birthday when I turned 50. She would also talk shit about three paintings that I have, which are originals, that the of of the three Cancers (who is a professional artist and also a small town Mayor) I’ve ever dated gave to me. One was for my son’s room and the others are a set which was my birthday present in 2013. This particular woman wrote on the back of each of the sets: “For ______ with love and kisses. Happy Birthday I’m glad you were born.”

After Scorpio and I had a long dinner together at a wine bar downtown on Friday the 13th, we walked back to our hotel hand in hand. She put on music and started kissing me. Our first intimate connection was an extension of lots of kissing and touching.

My ex-GF although she had full lips, didn’t like kissing much. I had to beg her in October to make out with me and she texted that it had to have a 30-minute limit. That night we wound up being in my bed over an hour; however, that she even had limitations stated is just so gross. That time and only one other time did we had hot, passionate kissing.  The other instance was when I had talked to her about a woman feeling me up in a karaoke bar a couple of weeks before. We were together a year. We had sex 7 times total.

Why would I stay with someone for a year who really only wanted me as status? She also likes that I make a really good living. I know now that she really only wanted me to live with her and adopt and support her 3-year-old.

I want to be liked because I am me. I don’t want someone to want me because I make 137k a year.

I don’t particularly enjoy gifts. If one is given to me, I want it to be from the heart.

I love sensuality and being physical. I don’t want to ask (beg) for it. I want intimacy to just happen. Scheduling it is so impersonal and take away what I crave always, which is magic.

I’m now dating a river mermaid who’s like a fairy. She is all pure love. She’s romantic, funny and so sexy. I know that I’m walking into love.

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3

I cannot wait to see Scorpio. I just read that you need to have three initial dates to check chemistry, and that seems totally fair. I’d like the third date to include spending the night together if at all possible.

On Saturday, I want to go over to her house with flowers and a meal–I’m a really good cook–and spend time talking more.

I also think that it’s a good idea to see how hours together feel. Meaning that she and I can see a glimpse into our connection and chemistry too, and together determine if we have the ability to just be together.

I’m out of practice. I’ve not had more than 4-5 hours with a woman since 2021. That’s the last time too that I had really hot intimacy and spent the night with a woman.

I feel rusty.

Last night I texted her when I got home from having a belated birthday dinner with my best friend. She responded super quickly, which made me think that I was on her mind.

She had two friends visiting her and they were going to a reggae show.

When I woke up today, she sent me a picture of her hands framing the stage in the heart shape. It was perfect–just like the hands for heart emoji. She also sent me a picture of her with her friends at the show. She’s pretty wonderful.

All the more reason that I want to be intentional with my steps with her and be honest about my dormant skillsets.

This week was so intense. I think that I am 95% that I have that chance to fall in love again. I know that it is safest for both of our hearts to walk into love. I removed all traces of my ex-GF from my home–the last steps were completed yesterday recycling a few cards that she wrote to me and donating the two necklaces she bought. Work is also super trying.

Shifts come in 3s.

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Trifecta

My weekend was so intense in general.

Friday, I had a date with Scorpio and it was a wonderful first date. There was something about the way in which she and I had instant comfort with one another that I enjoyed. I liked her openness and found her funny. I know myself well enough at this point that my heart is going to start moving.

Scorpio reminds me a lot of my ex-wife. The most pronounced difference is that she is stable. Her career is one that she has had long-term. Also, she is judicious and measured. There is no love bombing. Otherwise she’s a lot like my ex-wife: fairy hair, did a tarot reading yesterday, feels magical, dresses amazing, and has beauty that others just admire when she enters a room. Something that my son noticed in a picture that was sad and oddly validating is that she looks so strikingly to my former sister-in-law who was murdered by her husband in 2024. I don’t know when that will come up, and I don’t want to lead with it.

I made lots of mistakes with my ex-GF. I don’t think that it was entirely smart on my part to start dating seriously after my former sister-in-law was murdered. I met my ex-GF a few days before the murder in a women’s polyamorous discussion group. We started officially dating less than 3-months later. I wasn’t in a good space for dating. Additionally, I also don’t think that at that point, enough time had passed between my divorce finalizing.

I had an expensive date set up with a Match via my Matchmaker on Sunday night. We have good rapport and similarities. I want to be her friend. She has a Ph.D. and works in the same industry that my new friend who I adore and met on the subpar dating app. I’m hoping that they can date.

Meeting Scorpio 8-days ago was a good thing. I told her via text last night that I’m not able to establish two relationships concurrently. I have to go deep initially and can’t do that unless I know where my footing is. She responded, “You do you, of course!” In that thread last night she also sent me a picture of a unicorn with Mary Oliver quote. That also gave me pause. That’s my ex-wife’s favorite poet.

The second intense thing this weekend was that I led my first reading. I’m pretty sure that I had 30-40 people there. I met a transwoman who told me her whole experience coming out. Some of my friends cried. I sold a lot of books, which I will need to account for this week. I have to set up a business account! It was so emotional to read the book in its entirety anyway, and having so many of my friends there telling me what it meant to them and how they’d impact others with the story was deeply moving. I’ve not cried about that experience yet, and know that I will.

Finally, the door is completely closed with my ex-GF. I had to take 2-months completely off from any contact with her so I could process completely our relationship–particularly the last 6-months of it. When I was naked in her bed and she didn’t even notice me in March, I cried and got dressed after we were talking, I didn’t want to be with her anymore. She had no physical room for me in her life. She talked me into staying together. I tried to break up with her again in July after the miserable birthday trip that we took and she wouldn’t let me either. By September, she agreed with me. I’m reasonably confident that she just had to be the decider on our ending. That’s fine. I tried in October and November to do what she wanted and that was hangout with her once a month. She said something awful about me to my son in December, so I cancelled our December get together by simply saying, “Just wanted you to know that I am going to wait until February to hang out.”

That was the best decision that I ever made. Having holiday time free from her was great. I had better holiday times than ours together the year before. I realized that monthly hangouts were the same as monthly sex; although, when we were together I begged for more frequency of sexual intimacy. I finally understood that she called all the shots in our relationship in which she paid for nothing. She’s not gainfully employed and doesn’t get any child support.

I did text her after I left a ball and drag show on Saturday night. February marks significant loss for her and I’d promised her in a card that I wrote her and gave to her the day that she broke up with me last year that I’d be willing to make February special and if she didn’t have any birthday plans do that for her on the 7th of July.

I don’t think that I’ll ever see her again.

She’s misconstrued my need for two months of space as being unconcerned with anyone’s wellbeing other than my own. She told me that my text to her which broke my silence was cold and half-assed. She said that I don’t deserve the privilege of her company after I had pushed her away. I responded that I’m sorry that’s her opinion of me and that before I go to work the next day, I’d put her daughter’s very expensive bike that I bought for her birthday by her door. I intend to and texted that I’ll also return the splash pad that she left in my shed. I’d set that up for her daughter 3-5 times last summer. It always made my water bill too high. That’s it. We have a fundamental misunderstanding.

I can’t completely process the intensity of my weekend yet. It’s going to take some time. I’ll write here when I have things with which I am wrestling. 2026 is starting out hopeful, rewarding, and also marks a fundamental incompatible relationship ending without the possibility of any manner of new relationship.

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Demons

I have a somewhat comprehensive evaluation that I’m completing today. I’m going to take all the kits and materials up to the practice office and get set up there. I am getting the dreadful COVID vaccination late afternoon, so I’ll probably be running fevers and generally feeling awful all night.

Yesterday, we took my girlfriend’s daughter to a Valentine Fundraising Event late afternoon, and then I stopped by WF and picked up food for my girlfriend to eat after we hung out and had adult time together.

Last Saturday she and I did a fancy dinner and saw a sexy ballet.

My girlfriend is another shrink. She has done the gamut: behavior tech, lead therapist in a Residential Treatment program, prison work, private practice, working for a large company with clients who are dually diagnosed and in recovery etc. Suffice to say, you can’t hide much from this woman.

I wouldn’t want to anyway.

She’s really easy to trust.

I’ve never been treated this well in a romantic relationship.

Our kids have spent some holiday time together and such. She knows that two weeks ago my son mixed LSD and lots of marijuana. He’s lucky he’s ok. I guess his Dad is too.

My girlfriend wanted to understand what my thought process was when I let my ex-husband 7 drinks loaded get into his girlfriend’s car and drive home when he was “babysitting” our son who was still very much in the throes of paranoia and other problems coming down from substances and his having not eaten much all day.

I told her last night that I didn’t care what happened to him. I don’t know why that is either. Last night I told her that he has rarely showed up for our son in 19-years.

I didn’t tell her this stuff, but I’ll write it:

  1. He paid child support most all of the 18-years
  2. Except when he had a breakdown and moved states, he saw our son every other weekend for about 36-48-hours each weekend
  3. He made sure that our son had Halloween costumes and usually dressed up with him
  4. He taught him more board games and also historical niche games that no one knows
  5. When my second marriage was crumbling, he housed our son off and on for close to 2-years

He’s an alcoholic.

One time when we’d been married a year or under, he threw up in the sink. I was so angry. He called me a bitch.

When I finished my first round of grad school and we had a party at my parent’s house, he drank 8 beers and was talking to my second girlfriend’s fiancé in hiking boots and tighty whities.

He got a DUI and lost his license for just over a year in 2008.

My son explains that he was either laughing loudly at things that aren’t funny or falling asleep with a can of beer in his hand for an evening activity when he lived with him.

It didn’t even register to me that he shouldn’t drive home that Sunday. I just wanted him out of my house. I was also fuming that he can’t be sober or drink lightly when he’s taking care of our son who did something stupid and juvenile that could’ve had catastrophic consequences.

I’m going to talk about the situation in therapy. I’m glad that she brought it up to me.

Please comment. No shame or blame for confrontation.

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Hodgepodge

My son experimented mixing two drugs with his friends at his friend’s parents’ house last Saturday night.

He lost his expensive headphones that I got him for Christmas, his keys on my old teenage keychain, and a climbing sling that was bought when we were visiting my former sister-in-law and her family, so it can’t be replaced.

My ex-husband got drunk watching our son for 4-hours.

The Ballet Dancer and I had a dinner–well, I ate–and a romantic concert in an 140-year-old school house in the hills and walked out under the stars Sunday night.

Too bad that the previous sentence was what was going on at home during our date.

Barring any emergency, I’m done speaking to my ex-husband.

It’s really awkward to leave a site after working there for 7-years.

ICE raids made Wednesday very difficult at work.

When you’re dating someone and typically only text between mostly weekly dates, things can get misconstrued.

I would’ve talked about my 5-month-old relationship in therapy, but had to process the first two sentences of this entry with my therapist.

I like micro dosing. I am going to have a full dose with supervision from a practitioner in July.

I made an appointment with our old family therapist who we had even seen during the pandemic.

I paid $21 for 2 dozen eggs on January 26th. I have to buy them again this weekend, and am worried that they’ll be $30.

I had a clean–from my perspective–appetizer and connection with the Realtor last night.

I don’t drink. Sometimes when I’m really thirsty or hungry and have been under stress, I want a beer. I drink Coconut La Croix.

If I’m out, I pound Club Sodas with lime while other people have a glass of alcohol or a couple of glasses of wine. I smuggled in two cans of La Croix to bowling on Monday. I only averaged 122, but did bowl a 181 in my final game.

My paycheck from my main job hasn’t cleared my account. I have to pay my mortgage.

My pay from the monthly teaching job has been reduced by over $400, so I emailed the Dean.

I need to go to the Book Designer on the 17th or 18th.

I can’t believe how much pet hair is all over my living room and furniture.

I have a dinner and hot ballet date with my girlfriend tomorrow.

Woof.

Have you ever had a week wherein you have to keep your head down and soldier on? How are you feeling now that we know that climate change impacts the way in which we eat and how much water we have for everyone? What do you think about the oligarchy? Fascism? How are your finances? Can you distract yourself with romance and entertainment when the whole world is seemingly going mad?

Enjoy this patterned bear nestled in the Smokies. Answer any questions that you see fit.