Tag Archives: Changes

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Bday week

When did having a birthday week become a thing? I had someone write on my FB timeline “Have a great birthday month!” No, I draw the line there. I would say that with a Tuesday for my 49th that I am somewhat entitled to a birthday week, but not the entire month. That’s weird.

I had dinner with my two favorite women from my bowling team on Tuesday and had a ton of fun. They knew my other colleague and got closer with her as a result of the dinner, and said that she was decidedly cool. I don’t usually ever drink hard alcohol, but it was my birthday so I asked if they could make their monthly (Oh, no, does that mean that I did, in fact, partake in a birthday month?!?) special margarita with Patron Silver in lieu of the house tequila and also pineapple puree? They could. The bartender also shaved cinnamon from a stick and lined one side of each glass and placed a fresh pineapple slice on the glasses with an agave leaf on the other side. I bought a round of those. They comped a salsa trio. I splurged and bought steak fajitas! They wanted to comp a dessert, but I don’t like sweets. We had good conversation and a great meal. It was incredible.

My son came over for dinner the next night and we had a nice time. I got to see him on Friday night as well and we ate dinner at a burger place with the patio where I could bring the dogs. The food was great, and he said that he would be eating there again with his girlfriend.

I had dinner that Saturday night with my best friend and Mini Boss. I had good rigatoni with red sauce and loved my best friend’s Clams Malfadine. I also had an IPA that was actually served at the correct temperature! They chill them often in restaurants or pour them from a keg with all beers that are super cold, so they have a hoppy bite. I couldn’t believe it, but my best friend kept drinking it! I told her that she would like a sour more, and she ordered one. I had to finish mine and hers, but was shocked that she was drinking beer. I’d never seen that! Maybe it’s because she’s 50. Mini Boss had a Mezcal drink. She loved it. She had summer risotto. They’d never met, but were fast friends. I love making friend connections. I made more of those the next day.

The alarm was 3:45 the following morning. We have this tradition of the summit cookie when we do super long hikes with my son. They’re just Rice Krispy Treats, but we used to buy them from a fast, casual pasta location. I made those Saturday morning with vanilla vegan marshmallows and cacao sprouted rice cereal. I also used a half-cup of regular butter so they’d bind well. My son was VERY excited for them. He was so cute the afternoon before our hike. He called me and asked how old he was when he had first climbed that particular peak and I sent him photos and a trip report I’d written. I was so excited to climb with him!

I got to the parking lot about 5:10 (I was late.) where my son and I were going to meet both the Ballet Dancer and the Realtor for our drive to the trailhead. The Ballet Dancer jumped out and embraced me and then immediately embraced my son and the Realtor. I would have been a complete tool had I not embraced her, so I did and noticed that it was a shoulder hug. Not a full body hug like it was this summer. It made things really easy right away. Both the Ballet Dancer and the Realtor began napping right away when I had been on the highway for about 15-minutes. Had my son not talked to me in the pitch black night for the 127-miles, I would have fallen asleep. He was open and charming and I was so grateful for him.

We got there and I started getting my gear. I was putting on my hiking boots when the Realtor started commenting about the cold. When we started out my son said, “I can’t do this in a t-shirt and a windbreaker,” so I gave him the keys to get the hoodie that I keep in the back of my SUV. The Realtor said about 10-minutes later, “I should have checked the forecast. I am going to go back to the car.” I told her that it would be 52 on the summit. She hiked more with the two of us, and when I saw my son sprinting up, we all waited. He said, “I’m not feeling well enough to do this.” I hugged him and said that it was no problem and the Realtor commented about the wind and I told her that we would be out of the wind once we were on the switchbacks of the trail, and she said, “I’m going to go back with _______. You have a buddy and I’ll have a buddy.”

I had a pan full of Rice Krispy treats in a bread bag and only the Ballet Dancer and I did the summit. When we got to the saddle of the mountain, she actually started getting pretty anxious. She was even using the high dollar profanity! In fact, she shall never be able to live me down saying “Fuck this,” in the stylings of the Exorcist voice. She was really freaked out and I saw a new side of her and a semi-demonic voice. I think that I channeled the Climber (Batman), and I asked her what she needed. I also gave her an out. She said that she wouldn’t get this close to the summit and turn back even being terrified. I helped her by being in front of her and only hiking when she would say, “Go.” We helped another woman who was terrified by the exposure too and had a nice summit lunch.

When we got back to the car, I got to hear one of my favorite things which is overheard conversation porn. The Ballet Dancer and the Realtor became fast friends and the Realtor has a dating prospect for the Ballet Dancer. The whole thing helped me. The Realtor and I have so little in common. Even if she wasn’t looking for an escalator relationship, we don’t really have overlap in the ways that we show up to be able to date. It wasn’t what I was thinking would happen, but I’m so glad that we stuck to the chance for her to climb a high peak although she sat in a car at the trailhead with a 17-year-old! And I’m incredibly proud of the Ballet Dancer for doing one of these. She said it’s her first and last. The Realtor also had a long conversation with my son about career. I’ll write out an appropriate Thank You Note to give to her Wednesday, which could be the last time that I see her pre-arranged.

The nice guy has flu symptoms this morning, so he generated a group text between the Climber (Batman) and I this morning. I texted to the group, “Feel better, ______!” and later the Climber texted two sweet lines to him. I texted her after I saw the text that she’d sent to the group thread, “I will leave my house at 7:20 to pick you up.” And she texted back thank you. I didn’t make coffee for her, but said, “Because you like sweets, I’m giving this bag of Rice Krispy treats to you.” She said, “These are fancy ones!” She even asked me again if I was serious about giving them to her when we got to work. We had a pleasant ride in, failed meeting together because Catholic hadn’t hustled to get the family at the meeting, and a lovely ride back home.

We shared work stories because the Boss at this site is behaving really negatively toward seemingly everyone, and we connected. I wound up talking about my coming out affair and the aftermath. I told her a few details which I had written about in May of 2010, but they occurred in December of 2007.

“The next morning we spoke and she explained that in addition to her never wanting to be a mother, she was so far past being ‘anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.’  I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months.  That Saturday night, we watched some SNL, and she started holding me.  That would be the pattern for the month of December.  She would eventually touch, cuddle, or kiss me, and stop me if I got to where she couldn’t keep me from taking the next step, which had been normal for us until that month.

I resigned the following Friday.  I got another job that Monday, which would start late January.  She went out of town the week that I resigned.  She texted me the day of the face-to-face interview with the team, as I had passed the administrative interview, and then we had a cold conversation on the phone.  That is what December was like…  She got colder and colder, and more removed from me.  It was so strange–watching someone become an iceberg.  It was like the lyrics to “China” by Tori Amos.”

The Climber rubbed my shoulder and had tears in her eyes. I held her hand in the car. She’s so incredible. I asked her to come to my best friend’s art opening and she said, “Yes.” I went to her house tonight and one of her housemates said that she was at the store. She came in the backdoor and said hello and that I should come inside and that her cat would greet me. She got ready within 7-minutes and looked gorgeous! Velvet pants, a tank top that would gather around her shoulders as well–but she left the sleeves off until later so that I could drool over her arms–and gold ballet flats. When she was coming down the stairs I told her that it was no fair! She said, “I saw you, and had to do this!” I did NOT look hot like her. We had a wonderful drive to the restaurant for the art opening. I introduced her to my other Boss, some colleagues, and few friends and the Realtor.

We left just under an hour later. I told her about her being Batman. She’s not a comet–she’s a satellite and a superhero. She said that we should climb under the full moon in 4-5 days. I said, “Your ball, your court. If I’m not teaching and you text, I’ll be there.” I told her that I would LOVE to see the dance between her and my Boss dancing and who would lead. We talked, flirted and connected. We hugged in the car and I kissed her shoulder. We kissed a bit and embraced. I asked her if I could get a full body hug outside my car and she said, “Yes, please.” After we hugged awhile she said, “You’re so great. Goodnight.”

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Emo

Yesterday, the GPS took me to the hospital area instead of the train station hub. I had copy and pasted the title company address from an email into a calendar notice. I was in front of a brewery looking for a building large enough to accommodate suites and called the Realtor. She asked if I could see the train station, and I was incredulous. I got back in the car, used the address that she gave me for the parking garage, after going up many levels decided just to park in a “Compact” space and went in. It was so quick. Likely, I worked with the Closer for 15-minutes total. I got to work at my other site and did determine that my Boss there is being really weird. I think it’s because I’m fairly close now with my colleague who almost died and she got sanctioned by HR for talking about her after she, in the words of Susan Scott, “made her available to the market.”

I was emotional for most of the day when I wasn’t working directly with my clients. I told the nice guy that I was so close bursting into tears. I told him that on Wednesday when I locked my keys in the house, I stood in my brother’s closet (for the last time) and said goodbye to him, and that there really isn’t a single person who would understand having no original, immediate family by the time that she was 47.

The Climber did get stuck. She had to shelter in place for two extra days, and assured me that after 11-years, she and her other builders had extra food and water. She did say that she saw two cars spin in the mud while their cars just sank down up to the engine mounts. Some people really do think that they’re special. As usual, it was nice to see her, and as is typical she nodded off a few times in our dark, terrible meeting. It was in a different room and all the lights were off and because it faces south, the shades were down. I think that she probably falls asleep off and on all day because of the lack of sleeping at night. She looked great: bronze, and in new, quite tight, pants. She is so short and it’s funny that I’d even look at her. Probably some of it is that I do know how her back and arms feel. I will write it again: her ball, her court.

The Realtor gave me a gift bag. I asked, “Is there booze in here?!?” She indicated that there was, and I said, “Should I park somewhere and drain this bottle of wine?” She told me that she couldn’t advise me either way about that. I said, “Always the professional.” I’ll write a really good recommendation for her on LinkedIn before I leave after opening the bag. Yesterday was emotionally draining, so I have tons of stuff on my dining area table. I had to call her one more time yesterday because when my buddy went to the house to get the loveseat and table and chairs, the husband in the buyer’s couple said that they wanted the loveseat. They apparently left my buddy waiting for a callback from the wife to her husband and my buddy just left, and took those to a school where I donated them. They kept four chairs. The Realtor sounded appalled when I called her. I don’t care. Those solid oak chairs were in that house for decades. It’s sweet that they’re still there. Just odd behavior from those buyers. I hope that they’re cool.

After work, I went over to the credit union to check the estate account to determine if proceeds had wired there. It was there so I paid myself back to my savings account $7040.60. Now, I’m letting everything sit in it. I need some advice from my FA, and need to upload things for the Accountant. I need to call my Attorney next week and close probate.

Here are my plans: porch extension, new cooler, sprinklers for a little patch in my backyard, refinish the hardwoods and fix the bowed ones in my bedroom, paint my whole house, cap the gas off, get an electric furnace, and an electric water heater, add two solar panels and also a skylight, fix the main bathroom fan and vent through the attic my stove fan. It’s probably close to 100k, and I’d rather get a specialized loan. I don’t actually want to touch my inheritance at all. Thus, why I want to talk to my FA, Accountant and Attorney, because I want to ensure that everything is solid.

Today, I’ll be less emotional. I am reconnecting with my friend who I’ve not spoken to at all since 2014 or 2015. She’s Italian too, and is from Brooklyn. We just have beautiful friend chemistry and I can’t wait. This summer my best friend asked if I have anyone in my life who I miss and have any longing to see and I said, “Just __. I actually can only speculate about what happened between us, and I still miss her. We both had completely crazy, Italian grandmothers.” Now, she’s back. And from a FB post! She wrote, “I miss you,” on a photo that I’d posted. I told my best friend that when I told her about ___ that shifted things. My best friend is pure magic. Tomorrow I climb on those three routes. Two are so hard. I’m going to get max sleep tonight so I can get up to the top of the easy route and really try as hard as I can on the two difficult ones. Monday, I drive in the Climber and the nice guy.

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Slowly caffeinated

I had a solid week at work. I taught last Friday and then this Tuesday night and was in both of my buildings for daytime pursuits on the typical days–sometimes Mondays and Fridays switch in terms of the building that I’m in. (That will happen this week, and I’ll be very late and not be able to drive in with the climber, Batman, or the nice guy until 9/11.)

It’s been so good to be back with people. That’s so funny for me to even say because I’m an introvert. My best friend texted me and said, “Go line dancing with me tonight? I miss you.” I had to decline because I’d been out many nights in a row and was peopled out. I can give the excuse that my pets need me around, but really work involves a lot of talking and much of it is with people that I care an awful lot about, so I just need hours of me time afterwards.

Now that I don’t work Saturdays anymore I can slowly sip coffee and write. I love both of those things.

From my solo vacation in 2021. It’s really good drip coffee and a spinach pastelillos.

I’ll reflect on everything that has happened. I won’t pop over to Miami and get a pastelillos, sadly.

I paid my ex-wife. The title company called me and said, “It’s an estate sale, and everything goes into an estate account, and no cashier’s checks can come out.” I said, “I don’t want to pay taxes on $75,000.” She said, “I can check with our legal team, but I’m nearly positive that can’t happen.” I thought and thought and thought. Then I realized that my Financial Advisor (FA) was completely accurate last summer when he said that wasn’t the way it worked and that what people bring into a marriage is what they get back. She retained her condo, I retained my house. Recall that only for about a year did my ex-husband ever contribute to this mortgage and she gave $400 here and there. Rent here are about $1200 for a small apartment or room in a house.

So, I wrote this in our Google Sheet:

You cannot receive an invoice or a cashier’s check because the house is not mine, but is sold through the Estate of ______________________.  It’s being sold as part of an estate and through a personal representative’s deed.  Taxes on the estate will be paid less the contractors, agent fees, closing costs and other county fees.  That will be completed in the spring per the accountant.

I will hire an attorney to review the financial disclosures from the decree to determine what more is owed to you.  Then you will be paid that amount.

I thought and thought and thought some more.

I then realized that I know the cash value of my pension, SS, and IRA. So, I added those, divided them by two, realized that I have worked 33-years now, and was married for 8. That ratio is 8/33 or 24%, so I multiplied that by the halved cash assets and came up with 24k. I had forgotten that I had already paid her $750 eleven times at the time. I thought it was 17k, which is so much less than 75k and made me realize that my FA was right! Anyway, I have a consult on October 13th with an attorney who sponsors our local NPR station. I likely don’t owe her nearly as much as I’d charitably agreed to paying her.

I’ll have it squared away before this year ends. Marriages take seconds and divorces are super complicated. Both of my exes are really reasonable people too, so I feel for other folks who are actually dealing with dissention.

I had dinner with my son on Monday. That day really didn’t work for me, but he’d suggested Tuesday or Wednesday. I taught in person this Tuesday night and Wednesday I had a poker lesson. More on those in subsequent paragraphs. It meant that I skipped guitar, which isn’t a good thing. It was innocuous. It really reminded me of how it was to live with him. He has a smart phone now–his Dad pays for it and the bill–and he laid on the couch, got tired, only ate one plate of food, and I took him home. We’d run a bunch of errands together after work though and that was good because we walked side-by-side and so he talked to me a bunch about his personal life. He isn’t working, doing psychiatry, talks about getting a therapist, and is still with the same girl. I don’t want to interact with her going forward. I know that they’ll break up within a year or two.

I saw him again yesterday when I was biking home past his Dad’s apartment and he yelled, “Hi, Mom.” I dismounted, talked to him, and hugged him and said, “See you Monday.” He was supposed to help me take apart the bedframe at the house so I can move it back to my house and help me remove everything else used for staging. He called an hour after that and said that he’d forgotten that he had Labor Day plans on Monday. I asked if they were the whole weekend and he confirmed. Hopefully, my friend and I can get everything moved ok. It’s not too many things. I need to fold the realtor’s items and pile them nicely with her pillows on something clean that can be discarded, so I’ll have to think about that too. I’m glad that it’s not a thing with my son. We’ve frankly tried to talk so many things out with at least three family therapists, that I think we’re talked out. Sometimes, you just have to step away and redefine or end a relationship. With parenting, you’re always a parent, and I assume that when they move out, you have close times and more distant times. My tenure for direct parenting is just over, but he and I are fine: hugs, “I love you’s” and able to connect.

I have latent feelings for both the realtor and the climber. They’re people I dream about each month. I really hope to run into _____ again too. Her husband is a bit much, but he’s smart and fun to talk to, and they already have a girlfriend; so I just need to ask directly if she has an arrangement for dates outside of that triad. Otherwise, because I’m so picky, I don’t have any other women who I’m attracted to at all.

Our summit with the realtor and the ballet dancer is scheduled! It’s in three Sundays. I will bring my son too if he’s not with his girlfriend and ask him about it the Thursday before. I think it will be really fun. I’m going to take my poles for the descent and my janky left knee.

I have to take our medium hair to the groomer’s today. He’ll be a little bit scared. I need to wash my dogs too. My poor old girl is stinky and itchy.

I will have money going forward permanently now. I got an 8% raise which is already effective, don’t pay anything for my 17-year-old, and don’t make payments to my ex-wife. Whatever the lump sum she’s owed will be figured next month. Therefore, I can get a porch extension, a skylight, and schedule steam cleaning for the basement for October 16th. I’ll also take my dog to the vet for whatever is up with her 12-year-old skin.

I am having dinner and getting dressed up with a colleague on my birthday. I wanted to see my friends who I went to Korean BBQ with recently, but one of them has a concert. This one is 49, and I’ll be in such a different space in a year that I can make big plans for my half century.

I reviewed poker which was fun, but I don’t like the dynamics in that group really. I would only do something active outside like our snowshoeing beer festival with those women. I have a couple of friends from that group anyway. Lesbians irritate me a little bit because many of them are cliquey and they get really territorial and odd with affection around other groups of lesbians. I don’t want to watch you sit on each other’s laps and kiss when people talk to your girlfriend. That is fucking weird.

I think that the new cohort that I’ll teach for a year are pretty cool. I just upload some content for this week and will do that on Sunday. I’ll read the Google Form feedback on the 11th for my next in person. I only have to teach graduate school six more years.

My hands have been really hurting in the joints, and it makes climbing and guitar difficult. I’m going to get collagen and lutein when I pick up filtered water (refilled) and coffee. I’m grateful for learning and my health!

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Reflections on my adolescence

My colleague who almost died called me this morning. I told her about the couple that I met last night at the potluck. I’m definitely intrigued by the wife and had a conversation with her husband–truthfully, I mostly listened to him and validated his perspective and asked a few questions wherein he’d talk more at length. My two friends and another woman who I know from our discussion group were there too. While I was talking about that with my colleague, I had this epiphany.

My first girlfriend lived across the street from me 1987 – 1994. Those last two years I lived out of state where I had completed my undergraduate degrees, but she didn’t move out of her Dad’s house until 1994 when she got pregnant with her daughter. Her daughter was adopted. Her son, who she had a few years afterward with the same guy, was raised by her Dad and her Dad’s new wife.

I don’t think that my first girlfriend ever slept with any other girls than me. I guess she’d be what you call now heteroflexible. She dated my cousin who is only 2-years-older than me, and that didn’t bother me. In fact, I’m not usually attracted to lesbians who are stereotypically so. It’s often called “100-footers.” That term came from an episode of “The L-word.” These women are usually quite butch, heavy set, wear boots and have edgy short haircuts. They remind me of men. I’m not sexually attracted to men, so I don’t hit on these folks.

I hadn’t realized that in the early 1990s that I was also in a polyamorous relationship. That makes three total for my lifetime. I think that I’m having a second coming out. I started out solo poly when I was 15.

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Process

I still don’t like hiking on scree and need to learn to balance on trekking poles. In fact, I think that I could do some of that next weekend. I think because I’d warned my private guide about my lack of love for downhill–I love climbing up–he decided to rope me to him in the event that I fell or slipped. Like when I used to have to have someone tie my figure 8 knot, it makes me feel like a toddler. So, time to practice with trekking poles hiking down on mixed terrain and especially loose soil and rock! I was up 40-feet! Highest ever. It was my summit; although, if I knew more about route finding, I had another 80-feet to go. My accomplishment was no fear of heights. I just talked to my guide who is a professionally sponsored, second best in the US speed alpinist, about next steps and such. Well, screamed is more like it. The creek is loud there and the traffic louder. I can’t wait to get back to my private crag with the group in September with my new set of skills. So incredible. I was scared of heights so I started hiking at 34. One time got back up to a small area of minor exposure to a summit a second time, looked, and wondered why I was scared the first time? Being slowly desensitized to fears is changing me.

Sunday we staged the house in about 3-hours total. We did a good job, and the Realtor (Photographer) added more plants, another lamp and a white large blanket with a white comforter with pillows. It looked so much better! She said that she had those things. I couldn’t get the cooler going. It was missing a nut. I went up on the roof after work on Monday and there were more yellow jackets, so I came down. Two trips from a company, and nearly $1,300 out of my pocket to get it going and the motor is also failing.

Wednesday, I went back over to meet the technician again and all the lights were on in the house. Then I saw the Realtor going back and forth between rooms. When I went in, a very tall, very large woman in baggy linen pants and a crop top with dark curly hair and nose ring came toward me to shake my hand. I said, “Hello,” and the Realtor said something about partner so I assumed she was ______, who had to clean the paint off the hardwoods and fix the sheetrock that the subcontractors messed up, and I said that I definitely owed her dinner for those 4-hours of work and the Realtor said “romantic partner.” I said, “Oh, wonderful! It’s so nice to meet you.” She seems very young. She’s from Montana and has “done so many things” for work and is currently a massage therapist. I talked with her a bunch waiting for the technician to arrive. She is very nice, and adores the Realtor. I still have a crush on the Realtor. I won’t be seeing her much anymore though because I already have an offer for 25k over the listing for the house so that I can generate a counteroffer with an afternoon meeting via videoconference. I spoke with my attorney already too so that I can take off things that cannot be paid out of my parents’ estate. The Realtor had a showing within 34-minutes of the listing going live and there were 6 yesterday and an offer. There’s another summit.

I texted the climber on Monday and asked if she was at Burning Man, and if she wasn’t, did she want me to give her a lift on Friday. The nice guy is in Brazil. She said that she was here and would be gone the next two weeks and then we’d get the car pool crew back together. She had a dental appointment after work. On Wednesday during all the back and forth to the house, credit union, etc., I had happy hour plans with two colleagues and my colleague who almost died as well. It was a house and deck happy hour and really nice. However, I had to go home and get the pets fed and bring my dogs. Consequently, I was out of gas on Thursday. I had training in a Convention Center very close to my other site so I texted the climber and asked her to give me a ride. She got it late and texted me back asking if I got a ride. I was at the stoplight to turn onto the highway and texted her a picture of the gas gauge and said, “On fumes–turning onto ___, wish me luck!” She texted me that she could pick me up if needed and go car, go. That was cute.

I got there! During the last breakout session at the conference center, I left momentarily and got gas. My colleague who almost died made plans with one of the women from Happy Hour, the gay male colleague–going forward we’ll call him Catholic–and I said in text to invite the climber too. Only he and the climber showed for lunch. She hugged my colleague who almost died first and then turned to me with a big smile and said, “Happy end of summer,” and I said, “Happy nearly fall,” and we embraced a long time in front of the two others. I pulled away and she still had me tight so I went back in and hugged her more abdomen to abdomen. She’s even in better physical shape than she was last fall. We sat close on the bench by the lake with the others.

I looked at video that she shot with her Jerry-Rigged paperclip, electrical tape and thick yarn on her phone that she mounts for videos. It was beautiful. It was a sunset over a lake in Chamois from her paraglider. She did some technical and mixed ice climbing in France, but didn’t make it to Pakistan. I showed her a few of the OR coast and Crater Lake. She’d never been there, but when her sister and parents lived in eastern OR, she’d been to the coast. I was so sad when lunch was over. We hugged twice yesterday having arrived at the same time, and I went to her new office at the end of the day and told her to have the best build and festival ever. She said, “I will tell you stories about it, and you tell me stories about your adventures for the next two weeks.” I wonder if we will seamlessly get a road back to some dates? I’d love that.

I had plans with my friend to go to an Italian Festival last night, but she canceled having thrown up in the morning. So, I laid low last night and texted with the realtor about our counteroffer signing meeting today. I was very tired, so it was ok. The woman who introduced me to my ex-wife is in town right now, and we have super tentative plans for Monday. Hopefully, it will work out, but it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t. I am fine losing her for the most part in the divorce. I have a potluck with the poly group where I met Maryland tonight. I have a formal event for solo folk on Sunday. What a whirlwind of a week! I’ve not had time to process everything and have more people with whom I’ll be interacting.

Behind that tree and the start is some smoother rock to the ascent
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Crush

Yesterday was emotionally intense. Around 3 I got a text from my Realtor and she told me that she had hung up with the Chief Operating Officer (COO) of the company who puts together projects for home sales. He felt badly about my getting stung at the house and winding up in Urgent Care, so he’s hiring out the landscaping. He called me about an hour later and told me that he was sorry. That went a long way for me. This process has been a complete freakshow. I liked having that acknowledged. I’m still going to write him out a timeline of everything. The house was supposed to be listed 7/1 and the company said that we could after 6/16. Here we are!

Shortly after I hung up with the COO, another Project Manager called me. He and I are meeting with landscaper today, and I’m hoping that we’ll also have time before I bowl tonight to document in pictures the horrible work and destruction. I want to also show him all the messes–like dumping joint compound and paint into the carport. I also want him to have photos that he takes and uploads of the destroyed sleeper sofa to the front facing app that the company uses for project updates. I wonder if there is paint on the carpet or problems under where they put it in the now finished basement? That wouldn’t shock me.

The day before the neighbors who want to buy the house cancelled a meeting with my Realtor and hired a Realtor. I was so upset. Mine explained to me that just means that they have to pay her and pay theirs. It’s dumb. Also, it makes me feel as if they don’t trust me at all. So, I’ve made a decision. The house is worth 525k now, and so they can have it for 500k. If that isn’t acceptable, I’ll get it looking pristine and we’ll go through the whole staging process–I have things to put in it–and list it. It will sell for well over 525k then, and I don’t need the money soon anyway.

I have decided that one thing that I want is a porch extension. I don’t like shoes in house. I want to design a little entryway because my porch is scary and people fall off of it anyway due to the height, and I’d like the sides of the small entryway to have boxes inside. I’ll call it the shoebox. People can put their shoes in the boxes. They put them back on when they leave. I’m going to use the money for it and then get the rest in CDs and another account so I can move $7,500 a year into my IRA. I don’t want my lifestyle to shift very much. I do want that one thing: the shoebox. There are certainly other things that I want to do in my old house, but can do them anyway when I’m not paying monthly maintenance to my ex-wife. Two payments left!

So, my Realtor is to thank for this shift. She and I had to text much of the day yesterday. She’s such an ace.

It’s been weird to work on the house. It made me think of my Dad a whole bunch too, and I scanned a picture of me in elementary school and one of him from high school and made a FB post. I look identical to him. My son does too, but has brown hair and blue eyes, so people don’t see the resemblance which is uncanny, because people are obsessed with skin and eye color. Good old threads of racism. Anyway, it’s just been heavy.

As a result of all the emotion and the savior complex that now I’ve put the Realtor in, I had another dream about her. It was one of those where she was coming onto me and I was confused by it. We did wind up kissing and such. It’s a dream, and I don’t confuse it with reality. I also don’t touch or hug her. I’m good with boundaries. Crushes, even when you’re 48-years-old are just sucky.

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The Oven Mitt

I was born in the city that I live in; however, my Dad was in a Civil Engineering program 25-miles away so I was first taken as a newborn to married student housing. We moved when I was 13-months, and then we moved all the time literally. This particular move was because my Dad dropped out of the program. I was always thinly blamed for that, which is so stupid. I didn’t ask to be born.

I guess that I had wicked colic. My Mom never much of an eater, and she said that I just basically screamed all the time; but given that my Mom really only liked coffee and cigarettes, I’m sure that my food wasn’t nourishing. I was weaned at 3-months. My Mom was obsessed with me. She held me while I slept. I eventually slept in 16-hour stretches. I guess until I could move around, I was dissociative 🙂 May have had something to do with the fact that my Dad wanted to leave me to die in the snow when I was screaming. My Mom told me that. He decided against it and when I was 5-months, I wasn’t colicky anymore.

On the fourth of July in 1981, I climbed up the hill behind the four-plex that we were renting at the time and got comfortable. That was the only time in my life that I have ever been stung by a bee. When bees sting you, they die and the barb stays. I’d been stung on the wrist and my arm looked like Popeye that night. I love bees. I know that if I hadn’t probably almost squished it in the clover where it was working, it wouldn’t have stung me. My arm was HUGE and we had to keep mixing a paste of meat tenderizer for it. My Mom did that many times and then I started doing it. I was 7-years-old when I got my first sting.

I do not love wasps. I do not love hornets. I have a complete disdain for yellow jacket wasps.

I have to complete all the conditions of probate. I have to file estate taxes by next June. I have to obtain a Personal Representatives Deed. Since 2014 these are many types of tasks that I have had to do. It’s well different than fighting with doctors who wouldn’t let my Mom get surgery, wouldn’t let my Dad take Seroquel, etc. He couldn’t even have one shot of whiskey. Not one. He asked the Medicaid Physician to kill him in November of 2019 and the rounding doctor said he wasn’t terminal. He told my Dad to pray. My Dad told him that he was an atheist. The doctor said, “Pray for death.” Did it work? He got COVID 5-months later.

My son and I went to the house to use weed whackers, but because the soil is so good the prickly lettuce was like bamboo. The Russian thistle could mostly be pulled, but some really had thick stalks. We borrowed hand shears and a bypass lopper from a neighbor. This neighbor wants to buy the house. That would be great. We could stop doing yard work then because I could sell it for 20k less.

The whole thing is Monopoly money anyway. 75k goes to my ex-wife and I have to ensure that I don’t do anything which will result in my having to pay capital gains taxes. Luckily, the final estate appraisal fee can come out of the estate account. There is very little money in there and I’ve already paid $6787.03 out of my pocket, and don’t want to pay anything again. Oddly, that is about what my debt is for the the next 19-months. Almost to the penny. I thought of it as the retainer for the lawyer, new engine mounts for my vehicle, and the trees and irrigation system, but it was really about what I was short this year. I know it didn’t help to be paying maintenance.

The subcontractors who work for the company that gets their piece of the Monopoly money pile at closing are actual shitty people. New things were Cheeto shrapnel, Monster cans and a divided lime. The latter was on the mailbox. When I moved it, a yellow jacket decided to sting me. I think he wanted the lime for a food home. I was able to do 3-hours of yard work, and it certainly hurt. However, yesterday my hand was disappearing. I went back and forth to Urgent Care because my insurance had changed and I initially had forgotten my cellphone. Anyway, it got so gross last night even through two Prednisone. I know that I’m not technically allergic to stings, but I do get weird reactions. I hope that I can bowl on Wednesday. The oven mitt that my hand has become reminded me of my first sting, and how these subcontractors are really unprofessional and sloppy.

Fat, red, swollen hand is difficult to use. Last night it was also past the wrist and 2/3 of the way up my forearm
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Sigh

I was texting with the realtor a little bit and then I finally texted our group text with her and the Caretaker. She had the sofa sleeper that I found–I guess that the word is sourced, which I learned from the Realtor–and a check. All of which were in her new apartment. She also took a picture of the bedding that I bought her too. I’ll buy her a blouse and a table when I have money from the sale of the house. I had a huge sigh of relief when I realized that it’s finally over and she has a better sofa sleeper than she would have had she moved the one that she was going to move, and also some money. That at least shows that I had the ability to wait them out until they did something for her.

The company and their subcontractors resume work today and I’ll have to go over there with my son and our two weed whackers this weekend. The soil had been amended for many, many years so it retains moisture with days of 90 to 100-degree heat. Some of the prickly lettuce are 7-feet tall. I need to turn on the cooler too so it’s nice in there, but I don’t want to do that until I’ve done a final walkthrough with this terrible company. For now, I need to get those yards looking nice, which will be a ton of work. I dug out some bindweed yesterday in my own yard, but it was fairly hot, so I only worked about an hour. It’s cooler today and tomorrow, but I can’t get over to the house today to weed whack because I have to take my dogs to the vet and want to stick around here after that appointment.

The nice guy texted me on Tuesday about doing karaoke tonight. He and his dance teacher are obsessed with the new venue. It’s not new to me, because a colleague of mine has been going there for awhile and she and I went for the first time together in April, but we really only like to go on Monday. I have a theory that Sunday through Tuesday would be less packed and I should test my theory in July. I love singing there and definitely sound better because of the acoustics. I’ve been pushing myself to sing things that I’ve never sung outside my house or car. I am going to do that tonight too.

Last night one of our teammates wasn’t there for our bowling league and I don’t know why she wasn’t. I got my friend to sub for her. I’d not seen her since around Halloween. I have the best time with her when I can see her, but she’s not a person to initiate us hanging out. I need to make an effort to text her seasonally so we can do things together. We have a ton of fun and she’s very chill. And athletic. We all bowled really well with her there. She is just a lot faster than me, so it’s kinda hard to hike with her because you feel badly when she’s dusting you and you’re holding her up. However, she learned to belay years ago, so now I don’t have to navigate a weird friendship with Vegan or wait for the super busy climber to actually remember and follow through to make plans with me. I know with the latter we’ll do something, but I would be SHOCKED if it were more than an annual outdoor climb. I think that she’s in Pakistan or France right now climbing, and will likely learn about it in the next month through my son.

I talked out all the things that have been weighing me down with my best friend. I talked about my son dancing at the climber’s house now, which will likely be what he does going forward. My son danced from the age of 6-10 so he is still has some moves wired into him, and just told me that he needs to work on being less stiff, but he had a great time. I talked about the hug and my sustained crush on the realtor. I talked about feeling like I threw the Caretaker to the wolves with what the contractors did to her and her cat. I feel so much better today. Friendships matter. Some people, if they’ve known you years, are better than a therapist when you talk to them about what is going on, and today I feel sated and solid.

Image by Bansi Patel from Pixabay
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Karaoke and the new book

I got to the good venue for karaoke and the nice guy from work was so late. He was also super stoned. He’s hard to relate to when he’s that stoned. I drank five glasses of water and got a free beer. I’d been there three Mondays in a row when it was closed, so the owner said he’d buy me a drink next time and he did so. Finally, the nice guy joined me and my other colleague and I put my name in the Internet queue. I sang “Faith” and I nailed it. Later I sang the Mikky Ekko part to “Stay” while my friend sang Rhianna and we harmonized really well. She stayed with me when I was waiting and I sang “Wanted Dead or Alive” and had everyone singing the echo in the chorus. I’m sounding good lately. I also still love playing guitar and taking a class for it, so I’m hopeful to just continue to get better musically generally.

I’m going to go with him again on Thursday and will hope that he isn’t too stoned. I also have a lot of struggles refraining from judgment with his obsession with this girl who lives in FL and went to Pride with him last month. She’s beautiful, and they had a good time, but his incessant texting with her is really weird. I had to tell him that he was codependent the last time we were together because he always leaves to drive his ex home from work. They still live together. Why can’t she walk home? It’s about a mile. I’m not writing behind his back either, because I tell him these things. It’s just sad.

Gahran’s (2017) book is great. She must have had to really sort her survey data.! I can’t imagine. It was difficult enough for me when I did my dissertation, and I only had to sort 12 interviews. Her research included over1500 survey responses. That is amazing.

So far, I’ve taken these nuggets away:

  1. The concept of social territoriality has threads of jealousy within it when other partners try to control or otherwise have license to limit behaviors of another partner. I think that communicating what both partners are comfortable with doing when they’re not together would help this factor unless a partner is abusive or is hiding hidden agendas.
  2. People will often assume that if someone is ethically nonmonogamous that they’re in a phase or that they hate monogamy. I think that being polyamorous tends to appeal to people who question status quo generally and that monogamy is the norm so it tends to work for most people.

I’ve only read the first part of the book, which is divided into 6 parts total, so it’s probably going to take me some time to digest it. It’s been helpful so far and different than the other four in this genre that I’ve read. I will likely blog about it again.

Until then, I have guitar, bowling, what may be the final walkthrough in the house, climbing, and karaoke. I should have some material to consider by Friday. Cheers, Folks.

Image by wal_172619 from Pixabay
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Futures

Image by WOKANDAPIX from Pixabay

Yesterday, I had gotten my son an hour early to the venue, so walked around a little bit. I had some errors in the paperwork that I need to address going forward regarding ensuring a phrasing in client goals so my colleague talked to me about that. I told him that I would ensure that I had phrases about specific classes or careers going forward. Then the colleague who told me that she was too busy to work with a client came in and I realized that my colleague was thinking that I was like her. Beyond reproach. Can’t take feedback. That’s not me in the slightest. I mess up, make mistakes and try to improve every single day that I’m graced with life. I still feel like I could punch the other colleague that wouldn’t meet with the client, so I think that I’ll talk to her about that in August or September. Not seeing her for ten-weeks will be very nice.

My son talked about being a COVID high schooler in his speech. He then transitioned to talking about dropping out and making the best decision that he could by transferring to a small, tight-knit high school wherein you’d be checked in on all the time. Finally, he thanked the Principal, the Mental Health Provider and each of his teachers personally with a few sentences. They were really touched. He tied up by addressing the fellow graduates. His class was small: 58; and I think had he not dropped out of the comprehensive high school that he attended he would have been one of about 400 next May. We went to a pizza place that is a chain, but does brew beer and sat around with my cousin, her husband, his Godfather and two kids, our neighbors who are now so much like family to my son and I, a mother from his school in 6th grade and her child and several of his friends. It was a nice couple of hours. I printed thank you notes today and have some envelopes that were left over so I made notes in Word wherein I wrapped the thank you font text with a loyalty-free mortar board on it, folded the notes and cut them so they fit the envelopes.

I was looking at his diploma yesterday and got really choked up seeing my brother’s name where my son’s middle name is on the heavy stock paper. It’s so weird to me that my brother never graduated. My parents weren’t at my son’s graduation. Neither were his Dad’s parents because they attended their other grandson’s graduation out of state which was the same day. That makes sense. It’s legitimately that grandson’s graduation year. It’s not like I want to have a large amount of people around, but it’s still weird. Like I’ve written before, I had a typical nuclear family for a child of Boomers with me and my brother. At 47, there was only me left.

I like my son’s current girlfriend. He had a couple more and now feels like he’s settling on this one, and I like her best if that sticks. My son has done his fair share of cheating. And, the love of his life, got back with him by saying that they were undefined, but exclusive and then made out with one of his good friend’s friends. So, he has some relationship baggage already at the age of 17. I’ve been talking to him about ethical non-monogamy. I think that he’s listening too. The only time lately that he is hostile and vile is when he can’t bully me into getting his way. He wants to store nicotine vapes in my garage, and I don’t want to smell rotten Kool-Aid odor when I grab my bike helmet off of the shelf. His argument took shape as a gaslighting bully; however, these events are few and far between, so I’ll take it.

Parenting is often a real treat. I can’t wait to be an empty nester. It’s really soon–14-months away. I’m willing to cook for him and a significant or friend when he prearranges that with me, and I’m willing to take him to Costco. I’ll insure him for dental and medical, pay for a flip phone, and also will write any tuition check that he produces. Otherwise, he’ll just have to figure it out. He’s tall, good looking, smart, charming and talented, so he doesn’t really need anything that he doesn’t ask for. He used to tune me out completely and then after two citations he started realizing that I’m not totally full of shit. Again, he can be a bully on occasion, but it’s rare.

I think that mainly what you can wish for is that your children have it a little better than you did. According to Putnam (2015) that won’t happen though. I’m just hoping like I told my best friend from work when I was talking to her on the phone today that I can pay into long-term health insurance and all he’ll have to do is interview a CNA, check on me to have dinner that someone prepares once a week, and then do a simple probate when I’m gone. I don’t want him to go through anything that I did. And, I also don’t ever want an intimate partner wiping my ass.

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New one: Fosse (2021)

I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).

I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.

For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.

“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂

I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.

Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.

The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.

I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.

Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.

A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!

“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.

Image by iqbal nuril anwar from Pixabay
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Solo Polyamory

Last fall I realized and made known to anyone who was talking to me about romance and relationship that I wanted never to mix finances or live with anyone. My divorce finalized a couple of weeks before my 48th birthday last fall. Then enter the climber who is poly and gender non-conforming and we had a fun outdoor climb. I started thinking is there a way to not be like her and live with people but be poly? I ran across this blog entry: https://holierthantao.com/2023/04/03/exploring-relationships-beyond-monogamy-the-rise-of-ethical-non-monogamy/

I nodded over and over as I read it, and then began some research. I read “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Here is a podcast that I found after I’d read a 10-year-old book: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3uHkvMlpKcHLK1ifvAZP9N?si=vYZc2JeRTqe_zciUTD5UEg

That was amazing for me. One of the people that Peter McGraw interviewed has had two “sweethearts” for years. Another woman interviewed has had a 6-month, year, and three-year relationship and has just started up with someone exciting who provides that which is referred to as “new relationship energy” (NRE) in the polyamorous world. A book comes out next winter and I’ll definitely read it.

Now, it’s time for me to go on more dates or spend more time with different women. I’m not sure how though to be completely honest via my incognito blog-diary. I think that I’ll join a group in May or June. I’m not a particularly social person. I do much better 1-1. I force myself to play kickball and bowl with strangers and now that our latter team has disbanded, I’m bowling with two colleagues and one of the colleague’s cousins on the gay league still. I also go to a guitar class each week, and don’t really like the social aspect. I just go to get better on the guitar. I’m trained as a psychologist; although, I never took the EPPP and did post-doc stuff in higher ed instead. (I would have had to taken it and passed it between the fall of 2014-2021 and never really studied much.) I mention that because people like to talk to me: a lot. I don’t love conversation unless it’s interesting.

When you’re a solo polyamorist you don’t personally have a primary relationship. There isn’t a triad or quad. I’ve done a vee and been in a dishonest quad. The former two-years after the divorce from my ex-husband and the latter in college, which really feels like a thousand years ago. What I didn’t like was the pressure in those. You have to follow through on things because the person that you’re with has other obligations at times, so you have to be available when the woman is.

I don’t want a primary relationship again. I don’t mind being on the side of some woman’s geometry, but don’t want to have to ask anyone who I can kiss. Additionally, when one reads NYT or the like what you’ll find are interviews of women who have two boyfriends. That isn’t me.

I also am independent and have a whole bunch of hobbies which my jobs get in the way of–especially in the spring. My health is so important to me. I like to sleep 7-10 hours, cook and eat really good food, and when I can’t cook I like to have a crispy apple, a can of albacore and an avocado. My sleep, nutrition and exercise were something that I compromised in both of my marriages. I’ll never do that again.

Solo polyamorous people don’t have a most significant other and their primary relationship is with themselves. I am a great date. I concentrate on that person completely, don’t use or even check my phone, and am an impeccable listener who asks good questions and can remember with uncanny detail what women tell me. I am a great friend. I cook for new mothers weekly, I drop off meals for women who have lost a family member, I coordinate details and make food for birthday parties, I call often friends who are going through difficult times. These, the romantic, and the platonic efforts, all come from me and I don’t have any expectation for anything in return. I love others all the time.

Here I am. My best friend is married and has two different jobs and various employees. I would say that all of my long-term friends, as defined as a minimum of 20-years, are either married or in longer term monogamous relationships. These folks are busy with work and other things. They’re also all: straight. I think that I need to have intentional new friendships and I think that I need to have poly role-models. There are certainly things that I don’t ever want to do: live with someone, give money to someone, put all of my love into one woman, or be in large groups for hours. I wonder what is next for me this spring and summer?

Image by xiSerge from Pixabay
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My mistaken quad

In the execution of my life, which is slow processing, I realized yesterday that I had a quad before and it was full of missteps. My best friend had a belated birthday party Friday night. I talked with a clinical psychologist about where I am. Then she told me something that only her husband and daughters know. She had been exclusively with women her whole life. The sole man that she has slept with is her current husband with whom she’s very much in love. She told me, “I really like your life plan.” I also talked with my best friend’s singing partner’s partner at length as well. She had an open marriage and was deep in the kink scene. I’ll bet that she knows my Boss’ sister! Small world, and it got my wheels of the past turning.

My college girlfriend was heteroflexible. So, I’ll be her only woman; although, she does find women beautiful. I was pretty uncomfortable with my sexuality until I was 33, so our relationship was pretty one-way sexually speaking. I introduced her to a boy that I went to high school with and they carried on a distance relationship with visits and such. I don’t know why it didn’t make me jealous. When she began sleeping with a guy who had roomed across the hall from the guy who became my husband, I got crazy. I wrote her letters and told her that cheating on my high school classmate was wrong. Was it? No, she was falling in love with this guy with whom she’s been in a long-term marriage for probably 23 or 24-years now.

The whole thing is dishonest. We were in a quad for at least 6-months, and only she and I knew about it. So, I was cheating too because my high school classmate didn’t know. I slept with my future husband, and then that ended our quad.

I’m on pg. 227 in Sheff (2013) and people do this kind of thing all the time. I won’t again. When I get into a triad or quad, it will be an open and honest union. I think that ethical and consensual non-monogamy should involve straightforward talk about what everyone needs. I think that looking back, the men would have freaked out completely had they known that I was sleeping with her for years. We were too young to navigate polyamory. I’m glad that I have had two experiences with it though as I venture out into new partnerships.

I was worthless yesterday. My son has a dog and cat sitting gig and busted into the house a bit before 7 yesterday and disturbed my REM cycle. I didn’t do much at all. This morning, I have already deep cleaned litter boxes, have burritos in the oven, am drinking coffee and have my laundry downstairs. I lift today at the gym. I’ll get more of the litter which is difficult to find on my way home. I sing tomorrow with two colleagues and the nice guy at the good venue. I’m hosting an open house for dinner and music on Thursday, and will invite the nice guy and his gf, the climber and her sister who’s visiting in addition to any other member of her household, and my best friend is a definite yes. My best friend’s singing partner is coming and her partner who used to have an open marriage is coming late. Therefore, the house needs to be addressed today and I need to do some yard work! I’ll write on Friday unless something that I need to process occurs.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay
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Boom

I have been with avoidant attached folks. I have some anxious features, but wouldn’t say that is my style. I feel secure. I wonder if because of my relationship experiences, I’ve gotten more anxious. There is a super long post here called “Becoming Me,” which illustrates the entirety of my coming-out affair. (I’d been with two girls who were bi-flex prior: high school and college.) However, what I have been drawn to are avoidant women and my ex-husband too, honestly. I think that I’ve liked the intense attraction to me. Great information for me too, because attraction is great, but it leads to things that are weird like saying that she has to move out, or eluding to plans that never get made. I can detach from that stuff, and won’t take it on. I know what I want and where I’m going.

I dreamt that my ex-wife was here for a visit and she opened up the back windows after I took a shower so I asked her if she liked having a cold room after she showered and she said yes. I took off my robe and she laid on the bed so I laid on her. Again, I was attracted to her for years and first just from a picture. I know that I had this dream because I was telling the climber on our solo commute home that I was so glad that my son talked to his stepmom. She apparently is fighting with her Mom. Her stuff really stemmed from that original relationship, and I don’t think that either of them have the tools to talk through their avoidant attachment which is their foundation. My ex-wife really resents her mother and was telling my son that she wants to move out. I was neutral with him. His father is so irritable all the time and my son complains all the time about him, so I’m 1) glad that the chapter closes on May 20th and there isn’t a single reason for me to ever have to speak to his Dad, and 2) I can just be happy that he will be in touch with his stepmom and still have conversations with her. I think that’s healthy.

There are so many things that I need to learn about being poly. I think what is sticking out to me 57 pages into the Sheff (2014) book is that honesty and communication is key. I’m super direct, being an 8, and always try to work on being kind. The latter won’t be at my expense though. If a woman starts doing weird stuff, I’m just going to stay neutral. I don’t chase. I also don’t say things that I don’t mean. I don’t want to be in love with an avoidant woman. I think that you do have some control over falling in love. I would go on dates with avoidant women–they’re fun–but I don’t want a partnership with them.

Speaking of which, the photographer is really good at what she does. The walkthrough went well, and I ran into one of my neighbors who I think that I have known for over 30-years. I hugged him, and we caught up. He’s in between jobs. His shop that he worked for closed 6-months ago so he’s hustling and doing contracting. That sealed it for me. I want him to do all the work that the photographer recommended should be done so that the house looks good. I’ll just need to get a loan that I pay back at the end of summer. I did just what I said I would do: I treated her like a professional and thanked her several times. She texted that she is honored to help me through this process and thanked me for trusting her. I made sure to give her wide berths, had good social skills that were only professional, and didn’t come near her.

Yesterday was pretty weird. Not sucky, but weird. The meeting that we had at the end of the day was long and useless. The nice guy started the day crying because he is actively fighting with his girlfriend. I think that he is anxious attached and she is avoidant attached. I asked him, “Do you want to continue this back and forth? Do you feel like you’re on a rollercoaster?” He said that he didn’t know. I’m giving him the Levine and Heller book (2010) when I finish it. I beelined out of the building with the climber because the nice guy had a performance that he was in after we were done with work and was already gone. I felt imprisoned in the meeting and was watching, as I am sure everyone was, the climber fall asleep. She fell asleep a few times in the car too and was generally kind but a little disconnected. Again, I think she sleeps 3-4 hours many nights and then rolls into work. I’m not even sure that she’s aware that several times she was completely out cold and jerked her head up during the meeting.

Because I ran out, I’d left my cell next to my laptop. I had to drive all the way back to work. I can’t even fathom how many hours I was in the car. I’m lucky that I even got in. We are co-located with another program right now, so my fob reader didn’t work on the interior door. I found a guy who works in the other program sitting in his car while it was running and got him to let me in. I walked my dogs way past 6, couldn’t find parking at my friend’s Master’s of Fine Arts exhibition so I missed her photos and was so sad. I sent her a picture of me in front of the university art center and if she scrolled in, she’d see herself inside in the background of the picture. (I may bike up there this afternoon.) I went to the bar and ate sushi next door, which was beautiful but very mid. They had live music at the bar, so I paid the cover and the music was awful. (My son and I could do better.) I played one of the guitars for a little bit in the basement, and noted that I’ll do that again. Drank one beer and came home and read my two books. Again, not sucky, but full moon weird–gorgeous moon though.

I’m taking my son to work and going to hit the elliptical, grab groceries and get an adjustment. I don’t want to get in my car again after that. Yesterday was barfy like that, and I’ve already texted the fun girl who’s a BFF of the cardiologist and the other woman about not going dancing tonight. No more commutes in the car until I have to drive on Monday. I would like to also finish both books this weekend.

Image by Mollyroselee from Pixabay
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Whatcha reading?

As my pinky heals, I am still having some trouble with sports. I talked to the OT at work yesterday who encouraged me to manually close the finger to my palm and then ice it. I’ll do that between bowling tonight. In the meantime, I am reading “Attached,” and also came across a blog this morning with the term “solo poly” in it and found a researcher and professor who wrote a book called “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Being a professor myself, I easily downloaded it. It’s fascinating. I wrote to my friend via text today and said that I am enjoying “Attached,” but it’s VERY straight and exclusive monogamy-based. Totally fine with me as I want to learn more about adult attachment, but I need to read it in tandem with something for sexual minorities. Back to that.

Image by Dariusz Sankowski from Pixabay
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Easy Day

I only took one class yesterday and then biked from there to my main site. I saw two colleagues. One is a mother of a junior and I believe an 8th grader. Her older son played sports with mine for years. She said that they had a couple of classes together and I told her that he dropped out and then three months later re-enrolled in another school wherein he can be done with school in 9-weeks. She was surprised, but happy for me because I haven’t had good news about him for years really. I also saw the woman who helped him learn Spanish and she was so happy and positive. The lady that led the class on meditation and breathing with clients couldn’t get her Mac to mirror so I asked her to turn it off and on again and she’d never done that before. We got the technology working.

I was a little late leaving the class and was fiddling with my bag to bike from this site to my main site and I heard my name. It was the climber! I ran up the sidewalk and we embraced close and tight. Then we caught up a little bit. I thanked her again for talking to me about systems of attachment. As I’d written I knew only about Ainsworth’s work and it’s impact on adolescence. I told her about lunch with my friend who recommended “Attached,” and that I’d bring the article to her that I had printed by Fraley (2019). She complimented my hair and asked about it and I told her that I redid highlights and also my undercut. She was smiling and we were holding hands. It’s so funny–we just touch and find each other when we talk, and were rather brazenly holding hands and such in front of a meeting space for work. I asked her if she was free any nights this week and asked her to text me. I asked her if she’d shave mountains into my undercut. I’m not going to bug her about it, but I will ask her about it soon–maybe Friday. I no longer live with a barber. Like I have said, chemistry is a real thing. Hopefully, I’ll see her this week, and if not, I’ll call her soon or make plans on the 10th.

Speaking of barbers… My son had a wonderful conversation with his stepmom. I am so happy and he is over the moon. He said that a weight is lifted and that he didn’t care about what she and I went through as it had nothing to do with him. I told him that he was absolutely right. He is going to fly down there to see her and I think that is a great idea. I really think that he will graduate in May. I’m so glad to be here with him.

My Boss has a sister who I wrote a little bit about. One of her sisters is so hot. She’s a straight sister though. The other sister is the poly-artist, and I’ll get a name for her soon. I couldn’t meet her at her party because I left early to sing with a colleague. The nice guy from work said that he would go singing with my Boss and her poly sister soon. We’re going to go to the venue that I’ve only been to twice because if you go early, you can sing many, many times and I honestly am getting a lot better.

I have guitar class tonight and all the girls are straight, but I have to switch venues soon. I teach one night next fall and it conflicts with the venue that I go to–so we’ll see who takes the class another night. I bowl on Wednesday and do a walkthrough of the house with the photographer on Thursday. It won’t be weird to see her because I can really be professional with people. And she said that she wanted a friendship with me, but she doesn’t make plans with me, so I think that she’s simply my realtor who I know through my best friend.

I don’t have clients on Friday either. I commute only with the nice guy and the climber on Friday. My son only needs a ride three days and his Dad is driving him. This week ought to be pretty easy for me and I think that I’ll lay low socially and do some hiking on Sunday as the weather is going to be in the mid-70s. I’ll get my mail shredded too and my taxes paid with my credit card. I will probably have 5k in debt before I sell the house and some of it is because of paying my ex-wife, but without her support and help, I’d have no doctorate!

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April Fool’s Day

The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:

I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.

I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.

I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:

“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.

My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.

My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.

I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!

Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!

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Attachment

The last time that I saw the climber was March 13th and we kissed a whole bunch in my car after I asked for a hug. That weekend I read Fraley (2019) for an updated view of attachment. The article was very good, so I printed it for her, but she wasn’t at work on the 20th having had car trouble weekend climbing so I’ve not given it to her and am re-reading it in the printed form. I’ll give it to her next Friday.

What’s sticking out to me now, upon reading the article another time, is that primary attachment isn’t likely an adult thing. That makes a ton of sense to me too, as when toddlers who were characterized as avoidant or anxiously attached would have disruptions as adolescents given that they didn’t have a safe space at home when they were going through tumult. I agree. Several hours before my Mom died I told her again what a good Mom she was and that I wouldn’t be who I was without her parenting. Had my Dad been responsible for me solely, I’d be on drugs, a drunk or dead. My Mom would stay up late until I got home from work, she would keep dinner on “Keep Warm” in the oven when I got home in the dark at 7:30 after a difficult swim practice and sit there while I ate it talking to me about school and practice. I was attached to my Mom in a secure way. But, she didn’t stay my primary figure.

My friends are really important to me, and I’m attached to them as a source of support. I have four best friends. A guy from middle school, a woman who I used to work for in TX, my best friend from my first round of grad school, and my best friend here whom I see in person usually monthly are people who I can only see or talk to occasionally, but feel connected to anytime that we’re together. I can always eat and laugh with my best friend. We have a love of music. She will Pollyanna things though and also has a bit of the “silver-lining” it. I don’t give her full details of my plights, and rather just tell her where I am once I get there.

My best friend from grad school was the one who knew that I was going through problems with my ex-wife in the greatest detail. My ex-wife would get overwhelmed with the way that I argue and the general fire that my son spews and would move out all the time. Oddly, she wanted to live partially here and partially in AZ ongoing. When she met a man on the Internet and had him in the house while I was in ME and asked my son about it when he was going to his Dad’s and I couldn’t talk to her about how inappropriate that was–you can’t date at a park or coffee shop?–I said that we didn’t need to talk anymore. She saw nothing wrong about asking a kid about it and dating in our house while we were living together. I’m just paying her off right now. I’ll be completely done in either August or September. I told my best friend from grad school the whole story. She listened and said, “Wow” a lot. That’s all that I needed. I’m going to go see her in Germany in November. All this information to say that I don’t have a primary attachment figure and have several. Fraley (2019) summarizes research about adult attachment networks.

I have networks and am most interested now in consensual nonmonogamy, which is what the same article has detailed in the last section (Fraley, 2019). I want to treat lovers as I have friendships. I have so many friends. Because I moved 13 times before I turned 13 too I am adept at making new friends. I have also worked on being open. It was easier for me after I came out at 33. I can talk openly with anyone who I trust and am a good judge of character. The latter is probably an occupational hazard as I can read body language and also tone of voice better than most. I can easily tell who I should tell personal bits of information and who I should not. I don’t like to do what society tells me. I also believe that I can be completely in love with 2-3 women. Fraley (2019) that personal motivational factors can affect attachment. I am motivated to meet lots of women and also spend time with the climber when she wants to hang out with me. Stay tuned.

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Try it again

I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:

You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.

I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.

I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.

My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.

It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.

My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.

I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!

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Fill Line

Whew!

I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good.

Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum!

Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it.

Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Derrick was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

Image by yosoo ha from Pixabay

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

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Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.

Image by tookapic from Pixabay
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Social Butterfly

It took forever to get up to the lunch spot that the host picked. A pickup and some semis had a collision near one of the mountain passes so traffic accordioned back although the accident had been cleared. When I got there, Vegan was there! I was shocked. The host and her partner said, “Well, you pretty much have your doctorate.” So the rules are loose and you can bring friends. Check. No neuroscientist and no medical school director in attendance. Fairly nice lunch. The butterfly had hosted a Christmas Party recently and I said, “I thought that you said, ‘no more potlucks?'” She explained it was mostly outside our group, and then I learned that it was for an elite group within our group. I just said, “Gotcha. It was for people who you care about.” Lesbians can be incredibly exclusive. It makes everything difficult with dating for sure. Lunch was only slightly awkward, but the friend of the cardiologist who I’d met before at a beer garden happy hour and I talked a bit, and I finished her hashbrowns. I noted that I liked them both.

I talked a bit with Vegan. She’s a really good skier so on the downhills on the groomed snowshoeing trail, she got some speed and went down fast. I was talking with the cardiologist and her friend again, and helped the cardiologist get into her cross country skis by pushing the side of my gigantic snowshoe into the front of her ski and she got clipped in. (My snowshoes were given to me by my ex who just got a liver transplant, and she’s a hair under 6′, so they’re really too big for me, but I’m a minimalist amd won’t buy new snowshoes.) However, there was massive ice on the road between the trails, so the cardiologist fell and had to go back. Our group met up with them again on the downhill and I told the group, “I’m going back up with them because I drove all the way up here, and have barely hiked!” The cardiologist was faring much better in snowshoes! Great conversation and connection. I just love the cardiologist and her friend.

We got down to the bottom and were hanging out in a group–Vegan was gone because she had another obligation–and I told them about karaoke a couple of Thursdays ago. The host said that would be our next thing. It will be cool. I explained that things happen there like me kissing 30-year-old women so we need to keep things on the dl. Social butterfly was in costume and her snowshoes still, but everyone else was loosening up and getting beer samples. Then the cardiologist and her friend and I caravanned back to their hotel and spa and went to dinner. We had a wonderful time. I’ll make sure that I see them as often as they can make time to meet up with me. They included me and were genuinely interested in me. I had such a wonderful time yesterday and feel encouraged–so grateful that I’m even dealing with losing an hour this morning!

Image by Hans from Pixabay
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Keepin’ on

I biked about 10-miles and some change on Sunday. I went to a very small lake in a park in our city and laid down. Before I did that I sent GA a text. Her name isn’t Georgia, but she lives there. I just don’t want to call her Rugby although she played it in college because that evokes a certain look and she’s really feminine. In fact, she’s the most feminine woman who has ever kissed me. I would’ve thought that she was straight actually. I laid down on the other side of a drainage ditch about 20-feet from the lake and closed my eyes. On the dormant grass I was in a windbreak, but it was roaring. I could only hear the seagulls calling and with the high wind it was like the ocean. I laid there for 10-minutes with the sun on my face. Gorgeous.

GA and I texted all afternoon into early evening. It was Q & A and really nice. It definitely cut the loneliness. On Thursday, Vegan texted me and asked if I could go to the restaurant with her. I’d told her that it had the best Green Goddess dressing that I had ever had when we had lunch two weeks ago. We had such a good time at lunch. We have dinner next Friday. I’m looking forward to it. I might like her. I’m not sure.

Today I was waiting for the nice guy from work to show up for our commute. I’m going with him and his girlfriend to karaoke next Thursday. I texted him that it was no rush, but I was wondering and he said minutes later that the climber had just picked him up. They finally got to my house and we went to work. She sat in the back, and was pleasant and more open than she’d been last Monday.

I worked and was doing massive amounts of paperwork and finally went to warm up part of my lunch. I didn’t want to go back to my office. I’ve been so lonely. I peeked into her office and said, “Are you busy?” She said she wasn’t. I said, “I don’t want to eat alone, may I eat in your office?” She said that I could. We had a really nice conversation. She laughed a lot, blushed a little and I found out that although she nor her ex are neither satisfied with the terms that mediation is done and she’s glad it’s over. She also said it’s getting warmer so we need to go back to the spot where we climbed in October. It was a nice ride home and I told her commuting partner that she was getting shotgun. We all chatted and joked and such. Balanced car trip back to my driveway where her car was parked, and then we all said, “See you Monday.” It was so much nicer than it’s been.

I’m going to send GA a picture of me tomorrow. The one that I’d sent her with my fall kickball team is ok, but I look too skinny, so I’m sending one tomorrow. I’ll watch my son’s team play and then lift weights and my son can get a good picture of me. I would love to see her again. It would be possible at the end of next month, but I’m being calm and cool.

I was pretty sad this week given the injury. I can type now, but I can still feel where the fracture is. It’s also very purple at the top joint. I have to bowl on Wednesday, so I’ll have to get creative with taping or really bandage it. I decided to play kickball on the old league and bowl for this gay league. I think that’s the safest sports with young, huge men.

I guess these girls don’t look masculine. One could be GA before she puts on her makeup and fixes her hair.
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Broken

Not my heart, but my pinky. I thought that I had jammed it because I was holding a ball when a shot was near my head so I blocked it with the ball that I was holding. It really hurt, but I could bend both joints. I couldn’t play though and our team manager got pissed. It was Super Bowl Sunday and we didn’t have a full team. I was sorry that we were at a disadvantage, but couldn’t use my right hand well. We lost. She was pretty nasty to me. She’s a little weird anyway and sneers, but she was visibly mad about my hand.

The next day after my shower it was zombie colored. I knew that it was broken. I showed the climber and her commuting partner. They were in my car. I don’t have a good read on the climber anymore. She’s not cold, but definitely not effusive any longer. I don’t want details and didn’t give her or her commuting partner who I drove to work any information about my Poly-Cougar kissing episode at the bar on Friday. I’ll drive them next Friday and will have to see if they like riding with me when my son is in the car because I’ll have to give him a lift once a week when I drive. I dropped her off at her house and she said, “Bye.” I don’t know. I also don’t chase. I’ll just see what the next month or so involves.

Conversation was pretty dominated by her commuting partner on the way in and then she asked me a question about my son that was open-ended on the ride home. I have been encouraged by his openness and attitude lately so I told her and him about my hopefulness. She talks more in describing adventures in the car, and frankly lately. I don’t even know how mediation with her ex for the house has been going. I guess that I don’t feel close with her. I can be open, but she seems maybe a little guarded. I’m not going to give energy to thinking about why, and will drive them both next Friday if they want to save gas and be green.

I got a popsicle stick from work and waterproof tape and have my finger splinted. I have been toggling over with my ring finger to type, but shifting is very awkward and slow. It’s ok because the pinky is easiest. It’s just the shifting thing that is super slow. It could be much worse.

I probably won’t get to play in our last couple of dodgeball games. I’m only going to play kickball for this league. I don’t want to be around the team manager who is a varsity dodgeball player. I may go back to the other league anyway because I don’t have to play on a gay league. I had fun last summer. There was a woman who gave me wine and she was friends with a lesbian married couple on that league, so I can probably still meet woman in the other league.

I had so much fun in guitar class last night! The teacher is a nut and I’m honing my skills. I’m going to play a song at open mic at the bar. I would like to get the strumming pattern for “Little Bit of Love” down completely and do a sing-a-long. I’m going to practice all weekend. I have my grief group for the loss of my parents tonight, which always helps. My colleague who almost died is going too. Life is pretty good right now.

It’s snowy and pretty today. Since Saturday I’ve biked 24-miles, so with biking everyday Friday through Tuesday, I ought to get to at least 50. I won’t bike today, but maybe I can bike to work on Thursday. I can do that with a broken, splinted pinky!

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More loose ends

I process things pretty slow. I’m also long-suffering. Those qualities do not make for a good match in exclusive partnership. Anyway, as I write all of the time as I’ve been doing since last November these features have made me want independence, and to love and enjoy others in specific places and times. I won’t live with someone again until I am in my 80s and need some help from someone younger who I pay with whom I have a business relationship. I will not remarry. I think that monogamy works for a handful of people. I have not been exposed to a marriage that I thought was working for both people in my sphere. I know that they exist, but it always seems like massive sacrifices are made by one person more than the other when I know both people. That is where I am.

I had talked to my ex who is dying slowly on January 21st and was on car adapter through speakers with her and her wife. The conversation was bizarre. It spanned medical procedures and the new cars that they’re thinking about buying. It made sense finally to me why she reconciled with her wife. I guess she was broadcasting their business on Facebook, and talking about their fights and possible divorce. I don’t get on Facebook unless someone tells me that I have to log in: eg. pickleball dues or a post that they need me to address. Didn’t ask how I was. Didn’t inquire about my son who she always says that she adores. I get she’s on a transplant list. I knew all the stuff that had happened via text when I donated to her Go Fund Me. I don’t like cars. I bought a sport utility vehicle in 2008 and still drive it. It was two-years-old. I repair it and put parts in it. I’m not going to hustle down there. I’ll go see them when it’s necessary.

I have a sinus infection. I guess what is going around is bacterial. I’m NOT getting antibiotics. Work was difficult, but definitely not impossible. And then I bought everything and took it for the first time last night, and I slept through the night except to blow my noise once and my throat is good. One night of vitamins and such. I always have Kickass Immune and EmergenC, and still have a little bit of the Chinese herbs that my ex-mother-in-law used to send, but I needed to add these until I felt cessation in sinus pressure and a sore throat:

I COVID tested negative–again–why don’t I get COVID? I have to be careful with zinc. It sends to nauseate me or make me throw up. I think that the sources on the left were more water soluble so it was fine. I also made mushroom risotto, chicken cutlets with panko and kale chips in the oven last night, so I was pretty full when I took these zinc.

I didn’t see the photographer at the art performance. She texted me the next day and said that she was texting with the woman who I was able to sit with–and her boyfriend and a lesbian couple. She said that she was sad not to run into me. So, I’ve texted with her a little bit about the sale of house this summer. I don’t actually want to hike or cycle with her. I want a professional relationship. I saw a few pictures of her recently and didn’t find her attractive. At the beginning of April, we’ll do a walkthrough pending the late afternoon that works for the tenants who pay bills there. I’m not hugging her and will bring my son if I can make it work with his schedule. He’s a good buffer. He’s also very good looking, so he distracts people.

He’s going back to high school. Not his high school, but one in which he can blend online and in person classes. He told me last night that he wants mostly in person classes. I don’t care, and am glad he’ll have a diploma instead of a GED. There still is some stigma. In his case, it’s truly being lazy. I have to hire a driver. Uber and Lyft have too broad a window, and I want him to be on time. He can take the city bus home. His Dad can take him once a week, and I can take him once a week. Hopefully, it won’t be as expensive as his out-of-pocket therapy that ended a week ago was. He has to go to school nine weeks only–not a year-and-a-half. They’ll get his schedule done on Monday. His personal essay for the application said that in 6th grade the friends that he had controlled him rather than knew him, and that COVID killed all his motivation for school. I wonder who else has a student like my son?

I have to study today and also read. I have a training of trainers event on Tuesday and Wednesday and work on Monday and have convention things all day on Thursday and Friday. There is a corporate sponsored party on Tuesday night as well. Maybe I should have my son stay at our house and I should stay in the hotel with an old friend? No, I won’t sleep well and that seems a little bit 20-something. Regardless, I’m excited for the convention.