My laptop for work fizzled and died. In fact, it wouldn’t navigate to the Internet at all and I had to run a safety meeting with my boss and a family on a Chromebook, which kept lagging as I typed. It was awful. The battery wouldn’t charge anyway so it had been like lugging around a desktop. I think it was 4 to 5 years old and was a DELL, which our organization doesn’t use anymore. I finally got a Lenovo, which seems to be perpetually updating. Our main software for compliance is buggy and can’t tolerate people typing in it at the same time although it’s a cloud. At home, I downloaded after buying Webroot and can’t get the keycode to accept that it’s working–although it scanned my device weeks ago now.
Do you like computers? Software? Updates? Being glued to a screen for your work? Does the concept of a cloud being run by solar panels in NE freak you out?
I don’t feel like Gmail works anything close to the way in which Outlook does, but honestly, with all the emails that are sent now, I’ve not had to find a specific email recently. Don’t get me started on Drive. I can’t find anything efficiently in it and it reminds me of housecleaning. It would take me weeks to organize it and it’s picky with file names.
Becoming a robot and singularity
I remember the first time that I saw “Blade Runner,” and I found it so disturbing. I think that we’re there now. People dissociate on their phones in meetings. Kids extend their arms and stare at YouTube. I think that we need to take notice how AI has really started to our worlds. I think that although I get a tooth extracted a week from today, that I need to get outside as much as possible and better bike to work today.
Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.
McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.
I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living
Let’s see:
I moved out when I was almost 19
I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
I lived with my son for 17-years
I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)
I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.
When I was a kid, I didn’t really have female friends. Right now, I don’t have very many male friends except at work. I spent all day Sunday with different women, one of whom, I have just met and want to develop a closer friendship.
SundayMorning
I took a super long walk with one of my son’s ex’s Moms yesterday. We actually wound up walking nearly 7-miles. In terms of weights, I think that I did four machines instead of my typical amount afterward because I was really sore from boxing the day before. (I can hit two of the machines missed tonight after my normal Monday cardio.) When I got home, I should’ve cooked and cleaned, but it was so warm that I wanted to prowl around a little.
Afternoon
There is a new gay bar close to our capitol, so I parked a bit away from it and walked there to get even more sunshine. I was probably there 2-minutes. The lesbian scene here is pretty limited really. The gay man scene is not. That bar was packed, but there wasn’t a single woman in it so I felt completely out of place. I walked to the bar where we used to have flip cup. Savoring those brussels sprouts–even if they’re a third of the size that they were in the fall–was worth it. I drank a Lone Star and sent the picture to my BFF in San Antonio.
Family Karaoke on Second Sundays
I thought that the bar had a show. That is how good the woman was who was singing. I talked with the bartender for a couple of minutes who told me that Second Sundays are now karaoke. The KJ came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Are you going to sing tonight?” I said that I probably would. There was a couple–I thought–at the table in front of me. I felt awkward at a high top behind them in the otherwise nearly empty bar so I thought, “What the hell?” Laughing internally when I found out that she has the same name as the Realtor, she let me sit down. She and her family had great voices.
Hanging out with a Mom
I don’t meet any women who let their hair grey, but hers is probably more grey than mine, and she highlights it differently. She is the climber’s age, has six kids–four of whom were there–and was friendly. Nice blue eyes and fun to talk to, so I was glad that I asked if it was ok that I joined their table. She then told me her coming out story. I was very interested in it. The thing is that her marriage is closed. However, when I thanked her for telling me it, she grabbed my hand. Given the green light, I hugged her before I left and gave her a card. In 2008, I had cards made with my first name, cell and email. They simply say, “Email, call or text.” She gave me a business card. I told her that if she’d like to do a happy hour some time I am game. I explained that I’m good with boundaries and don’t want her husband to murder me, so I wouldn’t touch her. She laughed and said, “Yes, good call.” It’s so crazy how realizing how good it feels to connect gives you a boost. My mood was great yesterday. I’ll email her at the beginning of next month to hang out and keep good boundaries. I put ethics above everything with the way in which I conduct myself.
Monday Morning
Today I have to run a safety protocol meeting at my other site. That means that I get out of the hideous and worthless afternoon meeting. Bonus! I texted the nice guy and climber that I’d have to drive in solo because I’m leaving three-hours early. I texted the climber that I love her company and she could feel free to ride in with me in the morning and then hop in with the nice guy in the afternoon. She has just texted back, and I’m excited to ride in with her. I am going to feed the pets (in the dark) and then shower and walk my dogs. I hate this time of year with daylight savings time and waking up when it’s pitch black. It’s so stupid to not have left the time change in April, but I guess that people have to stay out buying things that they don’t need. I guess that I, myself, went out from 4-7 last night, but I had a ton of fun and it was nice to socialize.
I think that I’m renewing my energy. I have a new house loan. I am doing electrical work. I have a new cooler. I’ll have wall insulation in my kitchen and two back bedrooms. We have a neighbor family texting system that I used to find an electrician and begin learning some electric stuff with the help of my neighbor.
Electrical Work
The electrician rewired the basement so that now in my son’s old room the switches just work and are powered. You no longer have to turn on the switch on the west side of the Rec Room. He’s going to make a junction box exchange to the solar box so that the old and defunct Federal Pacific brand breaker box doesn’t function. It’s not that breakers flip all the time or anything, but rather that it’s archaic and not completely grounded. I want a safe house with no risk of fire. Federal Pacific only makes commercial products these days. The electrician also switched out 10 outlets in my house today. He had to replace two switches entirely–one of which had been grounded by the old contractor who remodeled my kitchen in 2004. The electrician explained that 85% of my house is grounded, so it’s really more of a matter of getting a majority of my switches changed to Ground-Fault Circuit Interrupter (GFCI) ones. Two in my bedroom had no boxes and were hanging basically, so he had to use new boxes altogether to get those outlets to be GFCI. He’ll be back next Saturday to make the new panel and hook it via a junction box to the breaker that has the solar panels working.
Cooler
I have a new contractor who is great. He had done work on sheetrock, a broken door, and rehung a mirror with tasteful metal clips. He installed a new evaporative cooler on Saturday. All of it, which will include summer setup was under $2500. I’d been quoted 10k for that in 2022 and suffered last summer with no cooler at all. The Realtor told me that she knew of a company who could do it for 7k. I’m so grateful that I’ve found this contractor and his company so I could shave $4500 or more off of that price!
Insulation
Years ago some mice got inside my garage and went inside some walls. It was gross. I have blown in extra insulation 2-3 times, but my house is still really cold. You can feel cold air rushing out of the bottoms of my kitchen cabinets and plates and mugs feel like ice when you take them out. I have given to warming them in the oven before I serve dinner. I’ve found an insulation company that will take out all the old fiberglass, clean and sanitize the attic, seal all the rafters, joists, seams, and baffles in my roof, install a reflective eshield, blow in new insulation to the max level, and then fill the walls in the bedrooms and around the cabinets with fiberglass from the attic down. It’s going to be so much warmer in the morning and no more cold dishes or mugs!
Learning some electric
We’d had a metal ceiling plate with two lightbulb fixtures in it with wires and a pretty dragonfly light fixture in the linen closet for many years. Electricity scares me. My neighbor across the street is the son of an electrician. Today, he came over and showed me how to remove a ceiling plate and expose wires and taught me what a plastic nut for electrical wires is. He wired in the new ceiling plate, shortened the middle nut, tightened it in and then got the new light fixture installed. He did it in 10-minutes. The nice thing is that although it will take me an hour to repeat it, I can help my colleague who almost died get a new plate in fixture in her daughter’s room now. I may surprise her at the end of the month with that as I’m no longer going to travel for a vacation.
Gratitude
I’m so happy to have my own house loan. I’m so glad that my bedroom won’t be cold in the winter and hot in the summer after Friday. I am over-the-moon with the prospect of room temperature plates and mugs. I’m so glad to have a fair contractor that I trust. I’m so happy about my new electrician. I’m going to make dinner for my neighbor (son of the electrician) and his wife right now. I’m going to buy some kosher alcohol for my neighbors who recommended this electrician. I found three pairs of jeans in great shape at two different thrift stores yesterday and they fit me perfectly! I had a good round of weights today. I’m bowling with the gay league again starting on the 11th. I’m going to write a thank you note to the angel that helped me when I was almost t-boned. I forgot to mention that the body shop has finally said that they’ll make my broken mirror right after I wrote on Google about it having noticed that they also didn’t replace my spoiler over my oil pan at all and it’s now off-kilter and has a noticeable hole. Again, my energy is renewing!
I picked up Batman and she didn’t say good morning. I couldn’t tell if she was simply exhausted or actually a little pissy. I gave her one of the year-old pinecones. This one I’d kept in my hutch.
A year ago, actually EXACTLY a year ago yesterday, she had been laying on top of me on my couch and was complaining about being hot and I apologized because I’m a radiating charcoal briquette and she said, “I’m dressed for outside and it’s definitely me.” She popped up, took off her hiking pants, removed a base layer–I saw a quick flash of purple underwear, nice–and put back on her hiking pants and we resumed. Later, I was running my hands along the waist line of her pants and found a burr. It was a very young pinecone. We laughed about that for a couple days, “Why do I have a pinecone in my pants?” She’d been in a corn maze with her household prior to seeing me on the 30th last year. I had found another one on my floor and texted it as a picture to her just before 4 am when she’d left to get a couple hours of sleep before we worked. I think that one is on the plate below my Christmas Cactus that a family gave to me after my Mom died.
The ride in yesterday was ok. She fell asleep a couple of times, but not too many. Her eyes were so red and were swollen. How does she work on a couple hours of sleep?
I got a nail in my tire and had to ask my new colleague–he replaced the one who almost died who our Boss removed–to take me to the tire shop where I’d bought these tires after we were returning from scattering my parents’ ashes on my brother’s grave. Catholic took me back after they removed the nail, patched the tire and aired them all up well. I’m glad that I’ve gotten two-years of life out of these tires!
We drove home and I asked about the 3rd–she’s going to a dance show with her housemates–and the 10th–she’s going to Austin for a dance convention. I said that I would think of something epic in December. She was falling asleep again off and on and I wasn’t sure if my statement registered. I don’t think that I will. My friends say that her presentation is hot and cold. It’s not that, it’s that she is scheduled to the max all the time and must have some degree of FoMO because she really doesn’t sleep except in bursts during the day wherein she nods off. Scientifically, it’s not a good thing because she’s aging her cells prematurely. Realistically, it makes it difficult to make any concrete plans with her.
It was only the Realtor and the Nice Guy for karaoke, but it didn’t matter that no one showed, because we had a ton of fun and I sang five times and the Nice Guy did three times. I really like the Realtor. She’s so fun and up for anything. She doesn’t sing and had a good time meeting the Nice Guy and hanging out with us. I’m going to likely take my son and his girlfriend to the Nice Guy’s new dance performance in three Saturdays and that’s the one that the Realtor is going to see too. She speaks Portuguese and is stoked to see Samba again, and showed the Nice Guy pictures from the same company’s dance show from three years ago. I’m going to sit with her even if she brings her girlfriend. I like her. She joked about sitting in the car for six-hours instead of climbing a peak, and I said, “That was just bad circumstances.” She doesn’t go hard with activity. She works that hard. Again, Batman and the Realtor are both blue-eyed Millennial Capricorns. They don’t half-ass their interests and that is sexy.
This morning I woke up an hour before the alarm and just got up to write. I had two dream cycles and am not incredibly tired. I need to reflect before I go into this extremely busy work week and cold, cold cycle into work.
I had a follow request from the CEO. I’ve not seen the CEO in about 11-years. I blocked her on Gmail when she kept getting my son’s basketball schedule in 2014 and then just wouldn’t show up for games that she’d said that she was coming to. I got about six connection requests on LinkedIn and then reported her as harassing after a few years. I’ve kept her blocked on FB, where I don’t log in anyway, and then deleted her Instagram follow request this morning. We ended badly and she’s obsessed with her image of perfection (I would bet tons of money that she’s a 3 on the Enneagram.) so she has kept up this odd behavior for years. I’ve never run into her organically, and I’m sure it’s because I don’t go to the giant women’s first Friday dance event. It’s not because of her, it’s because I sing and don’t dance.
Within 24-hours I have had interactions with a woman who I’ve had some dates with, a woman who I’d love to date, and an old partner. Yes, I woke up early and needed to write.
I parallel parked and walked toward the restaurant. I’d never been there so I was heading in, but the Realtor was on the patio so I went over there. I asked, “Have you been here long?” She said that she’d just gotten there and that she chose outside and asked if I’d like to move. I said, “Any excuse to be outdoors is one that I always take.” She laughed and said that she sat down at the tail end of Happy Hour and bottles of wine were $24, so she ordered a red that was spicy. I said, “Good choice. I wouldn’t have drunk any white.” She said, “Compatibility! I am so glad that I chose well!” Odd word choices.
And then we talked, and talked and talked. She asked me about Batman right away. She asked if she was a friend.
I said, “She’s not a comet; although she’d described herself to me as that when we went to the Nutcracker, but she’s like a satellite. I see her typically once a week and she’s blocks away from me so I can feel her bat signal.” It gave me pause that was the topic which she chose for the initial portions of our conversation. I told her, “She’s great. She went to my Christmas Party at the University last year and then did the art show with my best friend.” The Realtor said quickly, “I would do that!” I asked, “Are you an extrovert? I certainly wouldn’t.” The conversation was interesting to say the least.
Then we moved to relationship history conversation. We quickly ate the seared brussels sprouts, but didn’t eat our dinner completely or quickly. She’d ordered a Montepulciano de Abruzzo for our wine, which is so funny.
The majority of my Italian heritage is from Abruzzo and we’re Abruzzi.
The two-hours flew by. I walked her to her car and told her that I was hugging her and didn’t give the shitty shoulder hug. I embraced her. It wasn’t like pushing my whole body against the climber as we’d done on Monday, but it was a legit hug.
The whole thing was like a date. She’s a good dinner conversationalist. That’s a date! She doesn’t hike hard like I do and certainly would never try a peak again, but she’s smart, multilingual, easy-on-the-eyes, funny, flirty, and charming. I’m not going to see her until around her birthday. I had her write on the $100 that I had in the Thank You Note that I wrote for selling my parents’ house. She would’ve had to donate it. She put her first initial on it and also wrote 40. She’ll turn 40 three-days after Batman turns 38. Life is so weird.
When did having a birthday week become a thing? I had someone write on my FB timeline “Have a great birthday month!” No, I draw the line there. I would say that with a Tuesday for my 49th that I am somewhat entitled to a birthday week, but not the entire month. That’s weird.
I had dinner with my two favorite women from my bowling team on Tuesday and had a ton of fun. They knew my other colleague and got closer with her as a result of the dinner, and said that she was decidedly cool. I don’t usually ever drink hard alcohol, but it was my birthday so I asked if they could make their monthly (Oh, no, does that mean that I did, in fact, partake in a birthday month?!?) special margarita with Patron Silver in lieu of the house tequila and also pineapple puree? They could. The bartender also shaved cinnamon from a stick and lined one side of each glass and placed a fresh pineapple slice on the glasses with an agave leaf on the other side. I bought a round of those. They comped a salsa trio. I splurged and bought steak fajitas! They wanted to comp a dessert, but I don’t like sweets. We had good conversation and a great meal. It was incredible.
My son came over for dinner the next night and we had a nice time. I got to see him on Friday night as well and we ate dinner at a burger place with the patio where I could bring the dogs. The food was great, and he said that he would be eating there again with his girlfriend.
I had dinner that Saturday night with my best friend and Mini Boss. I had good rigatoni with red sauce and loved my best friend’s Clams Malfadine. I also had an IPA that was actually served at the correct temperature! They chill them often in restaurants or pour them from a keg with all beers that are super cold, so they have a hoppy bite. I couldn’t believe it, but my best friend kept drinking it! I told her that she would like a sour more, and she ordered one. I had to finish mine and hers, but was shocked that she was drinking beer. I’d never seen that! Maybe it’s because she’s 50. Mini Boss had a Mezcal drink. She loved it. She had summer risotto. They’d never met, but were fast friends. I love making friend connections. I made more of those the next day.
The alarm was 3:45 the following morning. We have this tradition of the summit cookie when we do super long hikes with my son. They’re just Rice Krispy Treats, but we used to buy them from a fast, casual pasta location. I made those Saturday morning with vanilla vegan marshmallows and cacao sprouted rice cereal. I also used a half-cup of regular butter so they’d bind well. My son was VERY excited for them. He was so cute the afternoon before our hike. He called me and asked how old he was when he had first climbed that particular peak and I sent him photos and a trip report I’d written. I was so excited to climb with him!
I got to the parking lot about 5:10 (I was late.) where my son and I were going to meet both the Ballet Dancer and the Realtor for our drive to the trailhead. The Ballet Dancer jumped out and embraced me and then immediately embraced my son and the Realtor. I would have been a complete tool had I not embraced her, so I did and noticed that it was a shoulder hug. Not a full body hug like it was this summer. It made things really easy right away. Both the Ballet Dancer and the Realtor began napping right away when I had been on the highway for about 15-minutes. Had my son not talked to me in the pitch black night for the 127-miles, I would have fallen asleep. He was open and charming and I was so grateful for him.
We got there and I started getting my gear. I was putting on my hiking boots when the Realtor started commenting about the cold. When we started out my son said, “I can’t do this in a t-shirt and a windbreaker,” so I gave him the keys to get the hoodie that I keep in the back of my SUV. The Realtor said about 10-minutes later, “I should have checked the forecast. I am going to go back to the car.” I told her that it would be 52 on the summit. She hiked more with the two of us, and when I saw my son sprinting up, we all waited. He said, “I’m not feeling well enough to do this.” I hugged him and said that it was no problem and the Realtor commented about the wind and I told her that we would be out of the wind once we were on the switchbacks of the trail, and she said, “I’m going to go back with _______. You have a buddy and I’ll have a buddy.”
I had a pan full of Rice Krispy treats in a bread bag and only the Ballet Dancer and I did the summit. When we got to the saddle of the mountain, she actually started getting pretty anxious. She was even using the high dollar profanity! In fact, she shall never be able to live me down saying “Fuck this,” in the stylings of the Exorcist voice. She was really freaked out and I saw a new side of her and a semi-demonic voice. I think that I channeled the Climber (Batman), and I asked her what she needed. I also gave her an out. She said that she wouldn’t get this close to the summit and turn back even being terrified. I helped her by being in front of her and only hiking when she would say, “Go.” We helped another woman who was terrified by the exposure too and had a nice summit lunch.
When we got back to the car, I got to hear one of my favorite things which is overheard conversation porn. The Ballet Dancer and the Realtor became fast friends and the Realtor has a dating prospect for the Ballet Dancer. The whole thing helped me. The Realtor and I have so little in common. Even if she wasn’t looking for an escalator relationship, we don’t really have overlap in the ways that we show up to be able to date. It wasn’t what I was thinking would happen, but I’m so glad that we stuck to the chance for her to climb a high peak although she sat in a car at the trailhead with a 17-year-old! And I’m incredibly proud of the Ballet Dancer for doing one of these. She said it’s her first and last. The Realtor also had a long conversation with my son about career. I’ll write out an appropriate Thank You Note to give to her Wednesday, which could be the last time that I see her pre-arranged.
The nice guy has flu symptoms this morning, so he generated a group text between the Climber (Batman) and I this morning. I texted to the group, “Feel better, ______!” and later the Climber texted two sweet lines to him. I texted her after I saw the text that she’d sent to the group thread, “I will leave my house at 7:20 to pick you up.” And she texted back thank you. I didn’t make coffee for her, but said, “Because you like sweets, I’m giving this bag of Rice Krispy treats to you.” She said, “These are fancy ones!” She even asked me again if I was serious about giving them to her when we got to work. We had a pleasant ride in, failed meeting together because Catholic hadn’t hustled to get the family at the meeting, and a lovely ride back home.
We shared work stories because the Boss at this site is behaving really negatively toward seemingly everyone, and we connected. I wound up talking about my coming out affair and the aftermath. I told her a few details which I had written about in May of 2010, but they occurred in December of 2007.
“The next morning we spoke and she explained that in addition to her never wanting to be a mother, she was so far past being ‘anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.’ I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months. That Saturday night, we watched some SNL, and she started holding me. That would be the pattern for the month of December. She would eventually touch, cuddle, or kiss me, and stop me if I got to where she couldn’t keep me from taking the next step, which had been normal for us until that month.
I resigned the following Friday. I got another job that Monday, which would start late January. She went out of town the week that I resigned. She texted me the day of the face-to-face interview with the team, as I had passed the administrative interview, and then we had a cold conversation on the phone. That is what December was like… She got colder and colder, and more removed from me. It was so strange–watching someone become an iceberg. It was like the lyrics to “China” by Tori Amos.”
The Climber rubbed my shoulder and had tears in her eyes. I held her hand in the car. She’s so incredible. I asked her to come to my best friend’s art opening and she said, “Yes.” I went to her house tonight and one of her housemates said that she was at the store. She came in the backdoor and said hello and that I should come inside and that her cat would greet me. She got ready within 7-minutes and looked gorgeous! Velvet pants, a tank top that would gather around her shoulders as well–but she left the sleeves off until later so that I could drool over her arms–and gold ballet flats. When she was coming down the stairs I told her that it was no fair! She said, “I saw you, and had to do this!” I did NOT look hot like her. We had a wonderful drive to the restaurant for the art opening. I introduced her to my other Boss, some colleagues, and few friends and the Realtor.
We left just under an hour later. I told her about her being Batman. She’s not a comet–she’s a satellite and a superhero. She said that we should climb under the full moon in 4-5 days. I said, “Your ball, your court. If I’m not teaching and you text, I’ll be there.” I told her that I would LOVE to see the dance between her and my Boss dancing and who would lead. We talked, flirted and connected. We hugged in the car and I kissed her shoulder. We kissed a bit and embraced. I asked her if I could get a full body hug outside my car and she said, “Yes, please.” After we hugged awhile she said, “You’re so great. Goodnight.”
Yesterday, the GPS took me to the hospital area instead of the train station hub. I had copy and pasted the title company address from an email into a calendar notice. I was in front of a brewery looking for a building large enough to accommodate suites and called the Realtor. She asked if I could see the train station, and I was incredulous. I got back in the car, used the address that she gave me for the parking garage, after going up many levels decided just to park in a “Compact” space and went in. It was so quick. Likely, I worked with the Closer for 15-minutes total. I got to work at my other site and did determine that my Boss there is being really weird. I think it’s because I’m fairly close now with my colleague who almost died and she got sanctioned by HR for talking about her after she, in the words of Susan Scott, “made her available to the market.”
I was emotional for most of the day when I wasn’t working directly with my clients. I told the nice guy that I was so close bursting into tears. I told him that on Wednesday when I locked my keys in the house, I stood in my brother’s closet (for the last time) and said goodbye to him, and that there really isn’t a single person who would understand having no original, immediate family by the time that she was 47.
The Climber did get stuck. She had to shelter in place for two extra days, and assured me that after 11-years, she and her other builders had extra food and water. She did say that she saw two cars spin in the mud while their cars just sank down up to the engine mounts. Some people really do think that they’re special. As usual, it was nice to see her, and as is typical she nodded off a few times in our dark, terrible meeting. It was in a different room and all the lights were off and because it faces south, the shades were down. I think that she probably falls asleep off and on all day because of the lack of sleeping at night. She looked great: bronze, and in new, quite tight, pants. She is so short and it’s funny that I’d even look at her. Probably some of it is that I do know how her back and arms feel. I will write it again: her ball, her court.
The Realtor gave me a gift bag. I asked, “Is there booze in here?!?” She indicated that there was, and I said, “Should I park somewhere and drain this bottle of wine?” She told me that she couldn’t advise me either way about that. I said, “Always the professional.” I’ll write a really good recommendation for her on LinkedIn before I leave after opening the bag. Yesterday was emotionally draining, so I have tons of stuff on my dining area table. I had to call her one more time yesterday because when my buddy went to the house to get the loveseat and table and chairs, the husband in the buyer’s couple said that they wanted the loveseat. They apparently left my buddy waiting for a callback from the wife to her husband and my buddy just left, and took those to a school where I donated them. They kept four chairs. The Realtor sounded appalled when I called her. I don’t care. Those solid oak chairs were in that house for decades. It’s sweet that they’re still there. Just odd behavior from those buyers. I hope that they’re cool.
After work, I went over to the credit union to check the estate account to determine if proceeds had wired there. It was there so I paid myself back to my savings account $7040.60. Now, I’m letting everything sit in it. I need some advice from my FA, and need to upload things for the Accountant. I need to call my Attorney next week and close probate.
Here are my plans: porch extension, new cooler, sprinklers for a little patch in my backyard, refinish the hardwoods and fix the bowed ones in my bedroom, paint my whole house, cap the gas off, get an electric furnace, and an electric water heater, add two solar panels and also a skylight, fix the main bathroom fan and vent through the attic my stove fan. It’s probably close to 100k, and I’d rather get a specialized loan. I don’t actually want to touch my inheritance at all. Thus, why I want to talk to my FA, Accountant and Attorney, because I want to ensure that everything is solid.
Today, I’ll be less emotional. I am reconnecting with my friend who I’ve not spoken to at all since 2014 or 2015. She’s Italian too, and is from Brooklyn. We just have beautiful friend chemistry and I can’t wait. This summer my best friend asked if I have anyone in my life who I miss and have any longing to see and I said, “Just __. I actually can only speculate about what happened between us, and I still miss her. We both had completely crazy, Italian grandmothers.” Now, she’s back. And from a FB post! She wrote, “I miss you,” on a photo that I’d posted. I told my best friend that when I told her about ___ that shifted things. My best friend is pure magic. Tomorrow I climb on those three routes. Two are so hard. I’m going to get max sleep tonight so I can get up to the top of the easy route and really try as hard as I can on the two difficult ones. Monday, I drive in the Climber and the nice guy.
I had a solid week at work. I taught last Friday and then this Tuesday night and was in both of my buildings for daytime pursuits on the typical days–sometimes Mondays and Fridays switch in terms of the building that I’m in. (That will happen this week, and I’ll be very late and not be able to drive in with the climber, Batman, or the nice guy until 9/11.)
It’s been so good to be back with people. That’s so funny for me to even say because I’m an introvert. My best friend texted me and said, “Go line dancing with me tonight? I miss you.” I had to decline because I’d been out many nights in a row and was peopled out. I can give the excuse that my pets need me around, but really work involves a lot of talking and much of it is with people that I care an awful lot about, so I just need hours of me time afterwards.
Now that I don’t work Saturdays anymore I can slowly sip coffee and write. I love both of those things.
From my solo vacation in 2021. It’s really good drip coffee and a spinach pastelillos.
I’ll reflect on everything that has happened. I won’t pop over to Miami and get a pastelillos, sadly.
I paid my ex-wife. The title company called me and said, “It’s an estate sale, and everything goes into an estate account, and no cashier’s checks can come out.” I said, “I don’t want to pay taxes on $75,000.” She said, “I can check with our legal team, but I’m nearly positive that can’t happen.” I thought and thought and thought. Then I realized that my Financial Advisor (FA) was completely accurate last summer when he said that wasn’t the way it worked and that what people bring into a marriage is what they get back. She retained her condo, I retained my house. Recall that only for about a year did my ex-husband ever contribute to this mortgage and she gave $400 here and there. Rent here are about $1200 for a small apartment or room in a house.
So, I wrote this in our Google Sheet:
You cannot receive an invoice or a cashier’s check because the house is not mine, but is sold through the Estate of ______________________. It’s being sold as part of an estate and through a personal representative’s deed. Taxes on the estate will be paid less the contractors, agent fees, closing costs and other county fees. That will be completed in the spring per the accountant.
I will hire an attorney to review the financial disclosures from the decree to determine what more is owed to you. Then you will be paid that amount.
I thought and thought and thought some more.
I then realized that I know the cash value of my pension, SS, and IRA. So, I added those, divided them by two, realized that I have worked 33-years now, and was married for 8. That ratio is 8/33 or 24%, so I multiplied that by the halved cash assets and came up with 24k. I had forgotten that I had already paid her $750 eleven times at the time. I thought it was 17k, which is so much less than 75k and made me realize that my FA was right! Anyway, I have a consult on October 13th with an attorney who sponsors our local NPR station. I likely don’t owe her nearly as much as I’d charitably agreed to paying her.
I’ll have it squared away before this year ends. Marriages take seconds and divorces are super complicated. Both of my exes are really reasonable people too, so I feel for other folks who are actually dealing with dissention.
I had dinner with my son on Monday. That day really didn’t work for me, but he’d suggested Tuesday or Wednesday. I taught in person this Tuesday night and Wednesday I had a poker lesson. More on those in subsequent paragraphs. It meant that I skipped guitar, which isn’t a good thing. It was innocuous. It really reminded me of how it was to live with him. He has a smart phone now–his Dad pays for it and the bill–and he laid on the couch, got tired, only ate one plate of food, and I took him home. We’d run a bunch of errands together after work though and that was good because we walked side-by-side and so he talked to me a bunch about his personal life. He isn’t working, doing psychiatry, talks about getting a therapist, and is still with the same girl. I don’t want to interact with her going forward. I know that they’ll break up within a year or two.
I saw him again yesterday when I was biking home past his Dad’s apartment and he yelled, “Hi, Mom.” I dismounted, talked to him, and hugged him and said, “See you Monday.” He was supposed to help me take apart the bedframe at the house so I can move it back to my house and help me remove everything else used for staging. He called an hour after that and said that he’d forgotten that he had Labor Day plans on Monday. I asked if they were the whole weekend and he confirmed. Hopefully, my friend and I can get everything moved ok. It’s not too many things. I need to fold the realtor’s items and pile them nicely with her pillows on something clean that can be discarded, so I’ll have to think about that too. I’m glad that it’s not a thing with my son. We’ve frankly tried to talk so many things out with at least three family therapists, that I think we’re talked out. Sometimes, you just have to step away and redefine or end a relationship. With parenting, you’re always a parent, and I assume that when they move out, you have close times and more distant times. My tenure for direct parenting is just over, but he and I are fine: hugs, “I love you’s” and able to connect.
I have latent feelings for both the realtor and the climber. They’re people I dream about each month. I really hope to run into _____ again too. Her husband is a bit much, but he’s smart and fun to talk to, and they already have a girlfriend; so I just need to ask directly if she has an arrangement for dates outside of that triad. Otherwise, because I’m so picky, I don’t have any other women who I’m attracted to at all.
Our summit with the realtor and the ballet dancer is scheduled! It’s in three Sundays. I will bring my son too if he’s not with his girlfriend and ask him about it the Thursday before. I think it will be really fun. I’m going to take my poles for the descent and my janky left knee.
I have to take our medium hair to the groomer’s today. He’ll be a little bit scared. I need to wash my dogs too. My poor old girl is stinky and itchy.
I will have money going forward permanently now. I got an 8% raise which is already effective, don’t pay anything for my 17-year-old, and don’t make payments to my ex-wife. Whatever the lump sum she’s owed will be figured next month. Therefore, I can get a porch extension, a skylight, and schedule steam cleaning for the basement for October 16th. I’ll also take my dog to the vet for whatever is up with her 12-year-old skin.
I am having dinner and getting dressed up with a colleague on my birthday. I wanted to see my friends who I went to Korean BBQ with recently, but one of them has a concert. This one is 49, and I’ll be in such a different space in a year that I can make big plans for my half century.
I reviewed poker which was fun, but I don’t like the dynamics in that group really. I would only do something active outside like our snowshoeing beer festival with those women. I have a couple of friends from that group anyway. Lesbians irritate me a little bit because many of them are cliquey and they get really territorial and odd with affection around other groups of lesbians. I don’t want to watch you sit on each other’s laps and kiss when people talk to your girlfriend. That is fucking weird.
I think that the new cohort that I’ll teach for a year are pretty cool. I just upload some content for this week and will do that on Sunday. I’ll read the Google Form feedback on the 11th for my next in person. I only have to teach graduate school six more years.
My hands have been really hurting in the joints, and it makes climbing and guitar difficult. I’m going to get collagen and lutein when I pick up filtered water (refilled) and coffee. I’m grateful for learning and my health!
My colleague who almost died called me this morning. I told her about the couple that I met last night at the potluck. I’m definitely intrigued by the wife and had a conversation with her husband–truthfully, I mostly listened to him and validated his perspective and asked a few questions wherein he’d talk more at length. My two friends and another woman who I know from our discussion group were there too. While I was talking about that with my colleague, I had this epiphany.
My first girlfriend lived across the street from me 1987 – 1994. Those last two years I lived out of state where I had completed my undergraduate degrees, but she didn’t move out of her Dad’s house until 1994 when she got pregnant with her daughter. Her daughter was adopted. Her son, who she had a few years afterward with the same guy, was raised by her Dad and her Dad’s new wife.
I don’t think that my first girlfriend ever slept with any other girls than me. I guess she’d be what you call now heteroflexible. She dated my cousin who is only 2-years-older than me, and that didn’t bother me. In fact, I’m not usually attracted to lesbians who are stereotypically so. It’s often called “100-footers.” That term came from an episode of “The L-word.” These women are usually quite butch, heavy set, wear boots and have edgy short haircuts. They remind me of men. I’m not sexually attracted to men, so I don’t hit on these folks.
I hadn’t realized that in the early 1990s that I was also in a polyamorous relationship. That makes three total for my lifetime. I think that I’m having a second coming out. I started out solo poly when I was 15.
I still don’t like hiking on scree and need to learn to balance on trekking poles. In fact, I think that I could do some of that next weekend. I think because I’d warned my private guide about my lack of love for downhill–I love climbing up–he decided to rope me to him in the event that I fell or slipped. Like when I used to have to have someone tie my figure 8 knot, it makes me feel like a toddler. So, time to practice with trekking poles hiking down on mixed terrain and especially loose soil and rock! I was up 40-feet! Highest ever. It was my summit; although, if I knew more about route finding, I had another 80-feet to go. My accomplishment was no fear of heights. I just talked to my guide who is a professionally sponsored, second best in the US speed alpinist, about next steps and such. Well, screamed is more like it. The creek is loud there and the traffic louder. I can’t wait to get back to my private crag with the group in September with my new set of skills. So incredible. I was scared of heights so I started hiking at 34. One time got back up to a small area of minor exposure to a summit a second time, looked, and wondered why I was scared the first time? Being slowly desensitized to fears is changing me.
Sunday we staged the house in about 3-hours total. We did a good job, and the Realtor (Photographer) added more plants, another lamp and a white large blanket with a white comforter with pillows. It looked so much better! She said that she had those things. I couldn’t get the cooler going. It was missing a nut. I went up on the roof after work on Monday and there were more yellow jackets, so I came down. Two trips from a company, and nearly $1,300 out of my pocket to get it going and the motor is also failing.
Wednesday, I went back over to meet the technician again and all the lights were on in the house. Then I saw the Realtor going back and forth between rooms. When I went in, a very tall, very large woman in baggy linen pants and a crop top with dark curly hair and nose ring came toward me to shake my hand. I said, “Hello,” and the Realtor said something about partner so I assumed she was ______, who had to clean the paint off the hardwoods and fix the sheetrock that the subcontractors messed up, and I said that I definitely owed her dinner for those 4-hours of work and the Realtor said “romantic partner.” I said, “Oh, wonderful! It’s so nice to meet you.” She seems very young. She’s from Montana and has “done so many things” for work and is currently a massage therapist. I talked with her a bunch waiting for the technician to arrive. She is very nice, and adores the Realtor. I still have a crush on the Realtor. I won’t be seeing her much anymore though because I already have an offer for 25k over the listing for the house so that I can generate a counteroffer with an afternoon meeting via videoconference. I spoke with my attorney already too so that I can take off things that cannot be paid out of my parents’ estate. The Realtor had a showing within 34-minutes of the listing going live and there were 6 yesterday and an offer. There’s another summit.
I texted the climber on Monday and asked if she was at Burning Man, and if she wasn’t, did she want me to give her a lift on Friday. The nice guy is in Brazil. She said that she was here and would be gone the next two weeks and then we’d get the car pool crew back together. She had a dental appointment after work. On Wednesday during all the back and forth to the house, credit union, etc., I had happy hour plans with two colleagues and my colleague who almost died as well. It was a house and deck happy hour and really nice. However, I had to go home and get the pets fed and bring my dogs. Consequently, I was out of gas on Thursday. I had training in a Convention Center very close to my other site so I texted the climber and asked her to give me a ride. She got it late and texted me back asking if I got a ride. I was at the stoplight to turn onto the highway and texted her a picture of the gas gauge and said, “On fumes–turning onto ___, wish me luck!” She texted me that she could pick me up if needed and go car, go. That was cute.
I got there! During the last breakout session at the conference center, I left momentarily and got gas. My colleague who almost died made plans with one of the women from Happy Hour, the gay male colleague–going forward we’ll call him Catholic–and I said in text to invite the climber too. Only he and the climber showed for lunch. She hugged my colleague who almost died first and then turned to me with a big smile and said, “Happy end of summer,” and I said, “Happy nearly fall,” and we embraced a long time in front of the two others. I pulled away and she still had me tight so I went back in and hugged her more abdomen to abdomen. She’s even in better physical shape than she was last fall. We sat close on the bench by the lake with the others.
I looked at video that she shot with her Jerry-Rigged paperclip, electrical tape and thick yarn on her phone that she mounts for videos. It was beautiful. It was a sunset over a lake in Chamois from her paraglider. She did some technical and mixed ice climbing in France, but didn’t make it to Pakistan. I showed her a few of the OR coast and Crater Lake. She’d never been there, but when her sister and parents lived in eastern OR, she’d been to the coast. I was so sad when lunch was over. We hugged twice yesterday having arrived at the same time, and I went to her new office at the end of the day and told her to have the best build and festival ever. She said, “I will tell you stories about it, and you tell me stories about your adventures for the next two weeks.” I wonder if we will seamlessly get a road back to some dates? I’d love that.
I had plans with my friend to go to an Italian Festival last night, but she canceled having thrown up in the morning. So, I laid low last night and texted with the realtor about our counteroffer signing meeting today. I was very tired, so it was ok. The woman who introduced me to my ex-wife is in town right now, and we have super tentative plans for Monday. Hopefully, it will work out, but it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t. I am fine losing her for the most part in the divorce. I have a potluck with the poly group where I met Maryland tonight. I have a formal event for solo folk on Sunday. What a whirlwind of a week! I’ve not had time to process everything and have more people with whom I’ll be interacting.
Behind that tree and the start is some smoother rock to the ascent
Yesterday was emotionally intense. Around 3 I got a text from my Realtor and she told me that she had hung up with the Chief Operating Officer (COO) of the company who puts together projects for home sales. He felt badly about my getting stung at the house and winding up in Urgent Care, so he’s hiring out the landscaping. He called me about an hour later and told me that he was sorry. That went a long way for me. This process has been a complete freakshow. I liked having that acknowledged. I’m still going to write him out a timeline of everything. The house was supposed to be listed 7/1 and the company said that we could after 6/16. Here we are!
Shortly after I hung up with the COO, another Project Manager called me. He and I are meeting with landscaper today, and I’m hoping that we’ll also have time before I bowl tonight to document in pictures the horrible work and destruction. I want to also show him all the messes–like dumping joint compound and paint into the carport. I also want him to have photos that he takes and uploads of the destroyed sleeper sofa to the front facing app that the company uses for project updates. I wonder if there is paint on the carpet or problems under where they put it in the now finished basement? That wouldn’t shock me.
The day before the neighbors who want to buy the house cancelled a meeting with my Realtor and hired a Realtor. I was so upset. Mine explained to me that just means that they have to pay her and pay theirs. It’s dumb. Also, it makes me feel as if they don’t trust me at all. So, I’ve made a decision. The house is worth 525k now, and so they can have it for 500k. If that isn’t acceptable, I’ll get it looking pristine and we’ll go through the whole staging process–I have things to put in it–and list it. It will sell for well over 525k then, and I don’t need the money soon anyway.
I have decided that one thing that I want is a porch extension. I don’t like shoes in house. I want to design a little entryway because my porch is scary and people fall off of it anyway due to the height, and I’d like the sides of the small entryway to have boxes inside. I’ll call it the shoebox. People can put their shoes in the boxes. They put them back on when they leave. I’m going to use the money for it and then get the rest in CDs and another account so I can move $7,500 a year into my IRA. I don’t want my lifestyle to shift very much. I do want that one thing: the shoebox. There are certainly other things that I want to do in my old house, but can do them anyway when I’m not paying monthly maintenance to my ex-wife. Two payments left!
So, my Realtor is to thank for this shift. She and I had to text much of the day yesterday. She’s such an ace.
It’s been weird to work on the house. It made me think of my Dad a whole bunch too, and I scanned a picture of me in elementary school and one of him from high school and made a FB post. I look identical to him. My son does too, but has brown hair and blue eyes, so people don’t see the resemblance which is uncanny, because people are obsessed with skin and eye color. Good old threads of racism. Anyway, it’s just been heavy.
As a result of all the emotion and the savior complex that now I’ve put the Realtor in, I had another dream about her. It was one of those where she was coming onto me and I was confused by it. We did wind up kissing and such. It’s a dream, and I don’t confuse it with reality. I also don’t touch or hug her. I’m good with boundaries. Crushes, even when you’re 48-years-old are just sucky.
I was born in the city that I live in; however, my Dad was in a Civil Engineering program 25-miles away so I was first taken as a newborn to married student housing. We moved when I was 13-months, and then we moved all the time literally. This particular move was because my Dad dropped out of the program. I was always thinly blamed for that, which is so stupid. I didn’t ask to be born.
I guess that I had wicked colic. My Mom never much of an eater, and she said that I just basically screamed all the time; but given that my Mom really only liked coffee and cigarettes, I’m sure that my food wasn’t nourishing. I was weaned at 3-months. My Mom was obsessed with me. She held me while I slept. I eventually slept in 16-hour stretches. I guess until I could move around, I was dissociative 🙂 May have had something to do with the fact that my Dad wanted to leave me to die in the snow when I was screaming. My Mom told me that. He decided against it and when I was 5-months, I wasn’t colicky anymore.
On the fourth of July in 1981, I climbed up the hill behind the four-plex that we were renting at the time and got comfortable. That was the only time in my life that I have ever been stung by a bee. When bees sting you, they die and the barb stays. I’d been stung on the wrist and my arm looked like Popeye that night. I love bees. I know that if I hadn’t probably almost squished it in the clover where it was working, it wouldn’t have stung me. My arm was HUGE and we had to keep mixing a paste of meat tenderizer for it. My Mom did that many times and then I started doing it. I was 7-years-old when I got my first sting.
I do not love wasps. I do not love hornets. I have a complete disdain for yellow jacket wasps.
I have to complete all the conditions of probate. I have to file estate taxes by next June. I have to obtain a Personal Representatives Deed. Since 2014 these are many types of tasks that I have had to do. It’s well different than fighting with doctors who wouldn’t let my Mom get surgery, wouldn’t let my Dad take Seroquel, etc. He couldn’t even have one shot of whiskey. Not one. He asked the Medicaid Physician to kill him in November of 2019 and the rounding doctor said he wasn’t terminal. He told my Dad to pray. My Dad told him that he was an atheist. The doctor said, “Pray for death.” Did it work? He got COVID 5-months later.
My son and I went to the house to use weed whackers, but because the soil is so good the prickly lettuce was like bamboo. The Russian thistle could mostly be pulled, but some really had thick stalks. We borrowed hand shears and a bypass lopper from a neighbor. This neighbor wants to buy the house. That would be great. We could stop doing yard work then because I could sell it for 20k less.
The whole thing is Monopoly money anyway. 75k goes to my ex-wife and I have to ensure that I don’t do anything which will result in my having to pay capital gains taxes. Luckily, the final estate appraisal fee can come out of the estate account. There is very little money in there and I’ve already paid $6787.03 out of my pocket, and don’t want to pay anything again. Oddly, that is about what my debt is for the the next 19-months. Almost to the penny. I thought of it as the retainer for the lawyer, new engine mounts for my vehicle, and the trees and irrigation system, but it was really about what I was short this year. I know it didn’t help to be paying maintenance.
The subcontractors who work for the company that gets their piece of the Monopoly money pile at closing are actual shitty people. New things were Cheeto shrapnel, Monster cans and a divided lime. The latter was on the mailbox. When I moved it, a yellow jacket decided to sting me. I think he wanted the lime for a food home. I was able to do 3-hours of yard work, and it certainly hurt. However, yesterday my hand was disappearing. I went back and forth to Urgent Care because my insurance had changed and I initially had forgotten my cellphone. Anyway, it got so gross last night even through two Prednisone. I know that I’m not technically allergic to stings, but I do get weird reactions. I hope that I can bowl on Wednesday. The oven mitt that my hand has become reminded me of my first sting, and how these subcontractors are really unprofessional and sloppy.
Fat, red, swollen hand is difficult to use. Last night it was also past the wrist and 2/3 of the way up my forearm
I was texting with the realtor a little bit and then I finally texted our group text with her and the Caretaker. She had the sofa sleeper that I found–I guess that the word is sourced, which I learned from the Realtor–and a check. All of which were in her new apartment. She also took a picture of the bedding that I bought her too. I’ll buy her a blouse and a table when I have money from the sale of the house. I had a huge sigh of relief when I realized that it’s finally over and she has a better sofa sleeper than she would have had she moved the one that she was going to move, and also some money. That at least shows that I had the ability to wait them out until they did something for her.
The company and their subcontractors resume work today and I’ll have to go over there with my son and our two weed whackers this weekend. The soil had been amended for many, many years so it retains moisture with days of 90 to 100-degree heat. Some of the prickly lettuce are 7-feet tall. I need to turn on the cooler too so it’s nice in there, but I don’t want to do that until I’ve done a final walkthrough with this terrible company. For now, I need to get those yards looking nice, which will be a ton of work. I dug out some bindweed yesterday in my own yard, but it was fairly hot, so I only worked about an hour. It’s cooler today and tomorrow, but I can’t get over to the house today to weed whack because I have to take my dogs to the vet and want to stick around here after that appointment.
The nice guy texted me on Tuesday about doing karaoke tonight. He and his dance teacher are obsessed with the new venue. It’s not new to me, because a colleague of mine has been going there for awhile and she and I went for the first time together in April, but we really only like to go on Monday. I have a theory that Sunday through Tuesday would be less packed and I should test my theory in July. I love singing there and definitely sound better because of the acoustics. I’ve been pushing myself to sing things that I’ve never sung outside my house or car. I am going to do that tonight too.
Last night one of our teammates wasn’t there for our bowling league and I don’t know why she wasn’t. I got my friend to sub for her. I’d not seen her since around Halloween. I have the best time with her when I can see her, but she’s not a person to initiate us hanging out. I need to make an effort to text her seasonally so we can do things together. We have a ton of fun and she’s very chill. And athletic. We all bowled really well with her there. She is just a lot faster than me, so it’s kinda hard to hike with her because you feel badly when she’s dusting you and you’re holding her up. However, she learned to belay years ago, so now I don’t have to navigate a weird friendship with Vegan or wait for the super busy climber to actually remember and follow through to make plans with me. I know with the latter we’ll do something, but I would be SHOCKED if it were more than an annual outdoor climb. I think that she’s in Pakistan or France right now climbing, and will likely learn about it in the next month through my son.
I talked out all the things that have been weighing me down with my best friend. I talked about my son dancing at the climber’s house now, which will likely be what he does going forward. My son danced from the age of 6-10 so he is still has some moves wired into him, and just told me that he needs to work on being less stiff, but he had a great time. I talked about the hug and my sustained crush on the realtor. I talked about feeling like I threw the Caretaker to the wolves with what the contractors did to her and her cat. I feel so much better today. Friendships matter. Some people, if they’ve known you years, are better than a therapist when you talk to them about what is going on, and today I feel sated and solid.
I got to the good venue for karaoke and the nice guy from work was so late. He was also super stoned. He’s hard to relate to when he’s that stoned. I drank five glasses of water and got a free beer. I’d been there three Mondays in a row when it was closed, so the owner said he’d buy me a drink next time and he did so. Finally, the nice guy joined me and my other colleague and I put my name in the Internet queue. I sang “Faith” and I nailed it. Later I sang the Mikky Ekko part to “Stay” while my friend sang Rhianna and we harmonized really well. She stayed with me when I was waiting and I sang “Wanted Dead or Alive” and had everyone singing the echo in the chorus. I’m sounding good lately. I also still love playing guitar and taking a class for it, so I’m hopeful to just continue to get better musically generally.
I’m going to go with him again on Thursday and will hope that he isn’t too stoned. I also have a lot of struggles refraining from judgment with his obsession with this girl who lives in FL and went to Pride with him last month. She’s beautiful, and they had a good time, but his incessant texting with her is really weird. I had to tell him that he was codependent the last time we were together because he always leaves to drive his ex home from work. They still live together. Why can’t she walk home? It’s about a mile. I’m not writing behind his back either, because I tell him these things. It’s just sad.
Gahran’s (2017) book is great. She must have had to really sort her survey data.! I can’t imagine. It was difficult enough for me when I did my dissertation, and I only had to sort 12 interviews. Her research included over1500 survey responses. That is amazing.
So far, I’ve taken these nuggets away:
The concept of social territoriality has threads of jealousy within it when other partners try to control or otherwise have license to limit behaviors of another partner. I think that communicating what both partners are comfortable with doing when they’re not together would help this factor unless a partner is abusive or is hiding hidden agendas.
People will often assume that if someone is ethically nonmonogamous that they’re in a phase or that they hate monogamy. I think that being polyamorous tends to appeal to people who question status quo generally and that monogamy is the norm so it tends to work for most people.
I’ve only read the first part of the book, which is divided into 6 parts total, so it’s probably going to take me some time to digest it. It’s been helpful so far and different than the other four in this genre that I’ve read. I will likely blog about it again.
Until then, I have guitar, bowling, what may be the final walkthrough in the house, climbing, and karaoke. I should have some material to consider by Friday. Cheers, Folks.
Yesterday, I had gotten my son an hour early to the venue, so walked around a little bit. I had some errors in the paperwork that I need to address going forward regarding ensuring a phrasing in client goals so my colleague talked to me about that. I told him that I would ensure that I had phrases about specific classes or careers going forward. Then the colleague who told me that she was too busy to work with a client came in and I realized that my colleague was thinking that I was like her. Beyond reproach. Can’t take feedback. That’s not me in the slightest. I mess up, make mistakes and try to improve every single day that I’m graced with life. I still feel like I could punch the other colleague that wouldn’t meet with the client, so I think that I’ll talk to her about that in August or September. Not seeing her for ten-weeks will be very nice.
My son talked about being a COVID high schooler in his speech. He then transitioned to talking about dropping out and making the best decision that he could by transferring to a small, tight-knit high school wherein you’d be checked in on all the time. Finally, he thanked the Principal, the Mental Health Provider and each of his teachers personally with a few sentences. They were really touched. He tied up by addressing the fellow graduates. His class was small: 58; and I think had he not dropped out of the comprehensive high school that he attended he would have been one of about 400 next May. We went to a pizza place that is a chain, but does brew beer and sat around with my cousin, her husband, his Godfather and two kids, our neighbors who are now so much like family to my son and I, a mother from his school in 6th grade and her child and several of his friends. It was a nice couple of hours. I printed thank you notes today and have some envelopes that were left over so I made notes in Word wherein I wrapped the thank you font text with a loyalty-free mortar board on it, folded the notes and cut them so they fit the envelopes.
I was looking at his diploma yesterday and got really choked up seeing my brother’s name where my son’s middle name is on the heavy stock paper. It’s so weird to me that my brother never graduated. My parents weren’t at my son’s graduation. Neither were his Dad’s parents because they attended their other grandson’s graduation out of state which was the same day. That makes sense. It’s legitimately that grandson’s graduation year. It’s not like I want to have a large amount of people around, but it’s still weird. Like I’ve written before, I had a typical nuclear family for a child of Boomers with me and my brother. At 47, there was only me left.
I like my son’s current girlfriend. He had a couple more and now feels like he’s settling on this one, and I like her best if that sticks. My son has done his fair share of cheating. And, the love of his life, got back with him by saying that they were undefined, but exclusive and then made out with one of his good friend’s friends. So, he has some relationship baggage already at the age of 17. I’ve been talking to him about ethical non-monogamy. I think that he’s listening too. The only time lately that he is hostile and vile is when he can’t bully me into getting his way. He wants to store nicotine vapes in my garage, and I don’t want to smell rotten Kool-Aid odor when I grab my bike helmet off of the shelf. His argument took shape as a gaslighting bully; however, these events are few and far between, so I’ll take it.
Parenting is often a real treat. I can’t wait to be an empty nester. It’s really soon–14-months away. I’m willing to cook for him and a significant or friend when he prearranges that with me, and I’m willing to take him to Costco. I’ll insure him for dental and medical, pay for a flip phone, and also will write any tuition check that he produces. Otherwise, he’ll just have to figure it out. He’s tall, good looking, smart, charming and talented, so he doesn’t really need anything that he doesn’t ask for. He used to tune me out completely and then after two citations he started realizing that I’m not totally full of shit. Again, he can be a bully on occasion, but it’s rare.
I think that mainly what you can wish for is that your children have it a little better than you did. According to Putnam (2015) that won’t happen though. I’m just hoping like I told my best friend from work when I was talking to her on the phone today that I can pay into long-term health insurance and all he’ll have to do is interview a CNA, check on me to have dinner that someone prepares once a week, and then do a simple probate when I’m gone. I don’t want him to go through anything that I did. And, I also don’t ever want an intimate partner wiping my ass.
I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).
I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.
For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.
“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂
I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.
Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.
The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.
I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.
Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.
A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!
“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.
Last fall I realized and made known to anyone who was talking to me about romance and relationship that I wanted never to mix finances or live with anyone. My divorce finalized a couple of weeks before my 48th birthday last fall. Then enter the climber who is poly and gender non-conforming and we had a fun outdoor climb. I started thinking is there a way to not be like her and live with people but be poly? I ran across this blog entry: https://holierthantao.com/2023/04/03/exploring-relationships-beyond-monogamy-the-rise-of-ethical-non-monogamy/
That was amazing for me. One of the people that Peter McGraw interviewed has had two “sweethearts” for years. Another woman interviewed has had a 6-month, year, and three-year relationship and has just started up with someone exciting who provides that which is referred to as “new relationship energy” (NRE) in the polyamorous world. A book comes out next winter and I’ll definitely read it.
Now, it’s time for me to go on more dates or spend more time with different women. I’m not sure how though to be completely honest via my incognito blog-diary. I think that I’ll join a group in May or June. I’m not a particularly social person. I do much better 1-1. I force myself to play kickball and bowl with strangers and now that our latter team has disbanded, I’m bowling with two colleagues and one of the colleague’s cousins on the gay league still. I also go to a guitar class each week, and don’t really like the social aspect. I just go to get better on the guitar. I’m trained as a psychologist; although, I never took the EPPP and did post-doc stuff in higher ed instead. (I would have had to taken it and passed it between the fall of 2014-2021 and never really studied much.) I mention that because people like to talk to me: a lot. I don’t love conversation unless it’s interesting.
When you’re a solo polyamorist you don’t personally have a primary relationship. There isn’t a triad or quad. I’ve done a vee and been in a dishonest quad. The former two-years after the divorce from my ex-husband and the latter in college, which really feels like a thousand years ago. What I didn’t like was the pressure in those. You have to follow through on things because the person that you’re with has other obligations at times, so you have to be available when the woman is.
I don’t want a primary relationship again. I don’t mind being on the side of some woman’s geometry, but don’t want to have to ask anyone who I can kiss. Additionally, when one reads NYT or the like what you’ll find are interviews of women who have two boyfriends. That isn’t me.
I also am independent and have a whole bunch of hobbies which my jobs get in the way of–especially in the spring. My health is so important to me. I like to sleep 7-10 hours, cook and eat really good food, and when I can’t cook I like to have a crispy apple, a can of albacore and an avocado. My sleep, nutrition and exercise were something that I compromised in both of my marriages. I’ll never do that again.
Solo polyamorous people don’t have a most significant other and their primary relationship is with themselves. I am a great date. I concentrate on that person completely, don’t use or even check my phone, and am an impeccable listener who asks good questions and can remember with uncanny detail what women tell me. I am a great friend. I cook for new mothers weekly, I drop off meals for women who have lost a family member, I coordinate details and make food for birthday parties, I call often friends who are going through difficult times. These, the romantic, and the platonic efforts, all come from me and I don’t have any expectation for anything in return. I love others all the time.
Here I am. My best friend is married and has two different jobs and various employees. I would say that all of my long-term friends, as defined as a minimum of 20-years, are either married or in longer term monogamous relationships. These folks are busy with work and other things. They’re also all: straight. I think that I need to have intentional new friendships and I think that I need to have poly role-models. There are certainly things that I don’t ever want to do: live with someone, give money to someone, put all of my love into one woman, or be in large groups for hours. I wonder what is next for me this spring and summer?
In the execution of my life, which is slow processing, I realized yesterday that I had a quad before and it was full of missteps. My best friend had a belated birthday party Friday night. I talked with a clinical psychologist about where I am. Then she told me something that only her husband and daughters know. She had been exclusively with women her whole life. The sole man that she has slept with is her current husband with whom she’s very much in love. She told me, “I really like your life plan.” I also talked with my best friend’s singing partner’s partner at length as well. She had an open marriage and was deep in the kink scene. I’ll bet that she knows my Boss’ sister! Small world, and it got my wheels of the past turning.
My college girlfriend was heteroflexible. So, I’ll be her only woman; although, she does find women beautiful. I was pretty uncomfortable with my sexuality until I was 33, so our relationship was pretty one-way sexually speaking. I introduced her to a boy that I went to high school with and they carried on a distance relationship with visits and such. I don’t know why it didn’t make me jealous. When she began sleeping with a guy who had roomed across the hall from the guy who became my husband, I got crazy. I wrote her letters and told her that cheating on my high school classmate was wrong. Was it? No, she was falling in love with this guy with whom she’s been in a long-term marriage for probably 23 or 24-years now.
The whole thing is dishonest. We were in a quad for at least 6-months, and only she and I knew about it. So, I was cheating too because my high school classmate didn’t know. I slept with my future husband, and then that ended our quad.
I’m on pg. 227 in Sheff (2013) and people do this kind of thing all the time. I won’t again. When I get into a triad or quad, it will be an open and honest union. I think that ethical and consensual non-monogamy should involve straightforward talk about what everyone needs. I think that looking back, the men would have freaked out completely had they known that I was sleeping with her for years. We were too young to navigate polyamory. I’m glad that I have had two experiences with it though as I venture out into new partnerships.
I was worthless yesterday. My son has a dog and cat sitting gig and busted into the house a bit before 7 yesterday and disturbed my REM cycle. I didn’t do much at all. This morning, I have already deep cleaned litter boxes, have burritos in the oven, am drinking coffee and have my laundry downstairs. I lift today at the gym. I’ll get more of the litter which is difficult to find on my way home. I sing tomorrow with two colleagues and the nice guy at the good venue. I’m hosting an open house for dinner and music on Thursday, and will invite the nice guy and his gf, the climber and her sister who’s visiting in addition to any other member of her household, and my best friend is a definite yes. My best friend’s singing partner is coming and her partner who used to have an open marriage is coming late. Therefore, the house needs to be addressed today and I need to do some yard work! I’ll write on Friday unless something that I need to process occurs.
I have been with avoidant attached folks. I have some anxious features, but wouldn’t say that is my style. I feel secure. I wonder if because of my relationship experiences, I’ve gotten more anxious. There is a super long post here called “Becoming Me,” which illustrates the entirety of my coming-out affair. (I’d been with two girls who were bi-flex prior: high school and college.) However, what I have been drawn to are avoidant women and my ex-husband too, honestly. I think that I’ve liked the intense attraction to me. Great information for me too, because attraction is great, but it leads to things that are weird like saying that she has to move out, or eluding to plans that never get made. I can detach from that stuff, and won’t take it on. I know what I want and where I’m going.
I dreamt that my ex-wife was here for a visit and she opened up the back windows after I took a shower so I asked her if she liked having a cold room after she showered and she said yes. I took off my robe and she laid on the bed so I laid on her. Again, I was attracted to her for years and first just from a picture. I know that I had this dream because I was telling the climber on our solo commute home that I was so glad that my son talked to his stepmom. She apparently is fighting with her Mom. Her stuff really stemmed from that original relationship, and I don’t think that either of them have the tools to talk through their avoidant attachment which is their foundation. My ex-wife really resents her mother and was telling my son that she wants to move out. I was neutral with him. His father is so irritable all the time and my son complains all the time about him, so I’m 1) glad that the chapter closes on May 20th and there isn’t a single reason for me to ever have to speak to his Dad, and 2) I can just be happy that he will be in touch with his stepmom and still have conversations with her. I think that’s healthy.
There are so many things that I need to learn about being poly. I think what is sticking out to me 57 pages into the Sheff (2014) book is that honesty and communication is key. I’m super direct, being an 8, and always try to work on being kind. The latter won’t be at my expense though. If a woman starts doing weird stuff, I’m just going to stay neutral. I don’t chase. I also don’t say things that I don’t mean. I don’t want to be in love with an avoidant woman. I think that you do have some control over falling in love. I would go on dates with avoidant women–they’re fun–but I don’t want a partnership with them.
Speaking of which, the photographer is really good at what she does. The walkthrough went well, and I ran into one of my neighbors who I think that I have known for over 30-years. I hugged him, and we caught up. He’s in between jobs. His shop that he worked for closed 6-months ago so he’s hustling and doing contracting. That sealed it for me. I want him to do all the work that the photographer recommended should be done so that the house looks good. I’ll just need to get a loan that I pay back at the end of summer. I did just what I said I would do: I treated her like a professional and thanked her several times. She texted that she is honored to help me through this process and thanked me for trusting her. I made sure to give her wide berths, had good social skills that were only professional, and didn’t come near her.
Yesterday was pretty weird. Not sucky, but weird. The meeting that we had at the end of the day was long and useless. The nice guy started the day crying because he is actively fighting with his girlfriend. I think that he is anxious attached and she is avoidant attached. I asked him, “Do you want to continue this back and forth? Do you feel like you’re on a rollercoaster?” He said that he didn’t know. I’m giving him the Levine and Heller book (2010) when I finish it. I beelined out of the building with the climber because the nice guy had a performance that he was in after we were done with work and was already gone. I felt imprisoned in the meeting and was watching, as I am sure everyone was, the climber fall asleep. She fell asleep a few times in the car too and was generally kind but a little disconnected. Again, I think she sleeps 3-4 hours many nights and then rolls into work. I’m not even sure that she’s aware that several times she was completely out cold and jerked her head up during the meeting.
Because I ran out, I’d left my cell next to my laptop. I had to drive all the way back to work. I can’t even fathom how many hours I was in the car. I’m lucky that I even got in. We are co-located with another program right now, so my fob reader didn’t work on the interior door. I found a guy who works in the other program sitting in his car while it was running and got him to let me in. I walked my dogs way past 6, couldn’t find parking at my friend’s Master’s of Fine Arts exhibition so I missed her photos and was so sad. I sent her a picture of me in front of the university art center and if she scrolled in, she’d see herself inside in the background of the picture. (I may bike up there this afternoon.) I went to the bar and ate sushi next door, which was beautiful but very mid. They had live music at the bar, so I paid the cover and the music was awful. (My son and I could do better.) I played one of the guitars for a little bit in the basement, and noted that I’ll do that again. Drank one beer and came home and read my two books. Again, not sucky, but full moon weird–gorgeous moon though.
I’m taking my son to work and going to hit the elliptical, grab groceries and get an adjustment. I don’t want to get in my car again after that. Yesterday was barfy like that, and I’ve already texted the fun girl who’s a BFF of the cardiologist and the other woman about not going dancing tonight. No more commutes in the car until I have to drive on Monday. I would like to also finish both books this weekend.
As my pinky heals, I am still having some trouble with sports. I talked to the OT at work yesterday who encouraged me to manually close the finger to my palm and then ice it. I’ll do that between bowling tonight. In the meantime, I am reading “Attached,” and also came across a blog this morning with the term “solo poly” in it and found a researcher and professor who wrote a book called “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Being a professor myself, I easily downloaded it. It’s fascinating. I wrote to my friend via text today and said that I am enjoying “Attached,” but it’s VERY straight and exclusive monogamy-based. Totally fine with me as I want to learn more about adult attachment, but I need to read it in tandem with something for sexual minorities. Back to that.
I only took one class yesterday and then biked from there to my main site. I saw two colleagues. One is a mother of a junior and I believe an 8th grader. Her older son played sports with mine for years. She said that they had a couple of classes together and I told her that he dropped out and then three months later re-enrolled in another school wherein he can be done with school in 9-weeks. She was surprised, but happy for me because I haven’t had good news about him for years really. I also saw the woman who helped him learn Spanish and she was so happy and positive. The lady that led the class on meditation and breathing with clients couldn’t get her Mac to mirror so I asked her to turn it off and on again and she’d never done that before. We got the technology working.
I was a little late leaving the class and was fiddling with my bag to bike from this site to my main site and I heard my name. It was the climber! I ran up the sidewalk and we embraced close and tight. Then we caught up a little bit. I thanked her again for talking to me about systems of attachment. As I’d written I knew only about Ainsworth’s work and it’s impact on adolescence. I told her about lunch with my friend who recommended “Attached,” and that I’d bring the article to her that I had printed by Fraley (2019). She complimented my hair and asked about it and I told her that I redid highlights and also my undercut. She was smiling and we were holding hands. It’s so funny–we just touch and find each other when we talk, and were rather brazenly holding hands and such in front of a meeting space for work. I asked her if she was free any nights this week and asked her to text me. I asked her if she’d shave mountains into my undercut. I’m not going to bug her about it, but I will ask her about it soon–maybe Friday. I no longer live with a barber. Like I have said, chemistry is a real thing. Hopefully, I’ll see her this week, and if not, I’ll call her soon or make plans on the 10th.
Speaking of barbers… My son had a wonderful conversation with his stepmom. I am so happy and he is over the moon. He said that a weight is lifted and that he didn’t care about what she and I went through as it had nothing to do with him. I told him that he was absolutely right. He is going to fly down there to see her and I think that is a great idea. I really think that he will graduate in May. I’m so glad to be here with him.
My Boss has a sister who I wrote a little bit about. One of her sisters is so hot. She’s a straight sister though. The other sister is the poly-artist, and I’ll get a name for her soon. I couldn’t meet her at her party because I left early to sing with a colleague. The nice guy from work said that he would go singing with my Boss and her poly sister soon. We’re going to go to the venue that I’ve only been to twice because if you go early, you can sing many, many times and I honestly am getting a lot better.
I have guitar class tonight and all the girls are straight, but I have to switch venues soon. I teach one night next fall and it conflicts with the venue that I go to–so we’ll see who takes the class another night. I bowl on Wednesday and do a walkthrough of the house with the photographer on Thursday. It won’t be weird to see her because I can really be professional with people. And she said that she wanted a friendship with me, but she doesn’t make plans with me, so I think that she’s simply my realtor who I know through my best friend.
I don’t have clients on Friday either. I commute only with the nice guy and the climber on Friday. My son only needs a ride three days and his Dad is driving him. This week ought to be pretty easy for me and I think that I’ll lay low socially and do some hiking on Sunday as the weather is going to be in the mid-70s. I’ll get my mail shredded too and my taxes paid with my credit card. I will probably have 5k in debt before I sell the house and some of it is because of paying my ex-wife, but without her support and help, I’d have no doctorate!
The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:
I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.
I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.
I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:
“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.
My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.
My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.
I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!
Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!
The last time that I saw the climber was March 13th and we kissed a whole bunch in my car after I asked for a hug. That weekend I read Fraley (2019) for an updated view of attachment. The article was very good, so I printed it for her, but she wasn’t at work on the 20th having had car trouble weekend climbing so I’ve not given it to her and am re-reading it in the printed form. I’ll give it to her next Friday.
What’s sticking out to me now, upon reading the article another time, is that primary attachment isn’t likely an adult thing. That makes a ton of sense to me too, as when toddlers who were characterized as avoidant or anxiously attached would have disruptions as adolescents given that they didn’t have a safe space at home when they were going through tumult. I agree. Several hours before my Mom died I told her again what a good Mom she was and that I wouldn’t be who I was without her parenting. Had my Dad been responsible for me solely, I’d be on drugs, a drunk or dead. My Mom would stay up late until I got home from work, she would keep dinner on “Keep Warm” in the oven when I got home in the dark at 7:30 after a difficult swim practice and sit there while I ate it talking to me about school and practice. I was attached to my Mom in a secure way. But, she didn’t stay my primary figure.
My friends are really important to me, and I’m attached to them as a source of support. I have four best friends. A guy from middle school, a woman who I used to work for in TX, my best friend from my first round of grad school, and my best friend here whom I see in person usually monthly are people who I can only see or talk to occasionally, but feel connected to anytime that we’re together. I can always eat and laugh with my best friend. We have a love of music. She will Pollyanna things though and also has a bit of the “silver-lining” it. I don’t give her full details of my plights, and rather just tell her where I am once I get there.
My best friend from grad school was the one who knew that I was going through problems with my ex-wife in the greatest detail. My ex-wife would get overwhelmed with the way that I argue and the general fire that my son spews and would move out all the time. Oddly, she wanted to live partially here and partially in AZ ongoing. When she met a man on the Internet and had him in the house while I was in ME and asked my son about it when he was going to his Dad’s and I couldn’t talk to her about how inappropriate that was–you can’t date at a park or coffee shop?–I said that we didn’t need to talk anymore. She saw nothing wrong about asking a kid about it and dating in our house while we were living together. I’m just paying her off right now. I’ll be completely done in either August or September. I told my best friend from grad school the whole story. She listened and said, “Wow” a lot. That’s all that I needed. I’m going to go see her in Germany in November. All this information to say that I don’t have a primary attachment figure and have several. Fraley (2019) summarizes research about adult attachment networks.
I have networks and am most interested now in consensual nonmonogamy, which is what the same article has detailed in the last section (Fraley, 2019). I want to treat lovers as I have friendships. I have so many friends. Because I moved 13 times before I turned 13 too I am adept at making new friends. I have also worked on being open. It was easier for me after I came out at 33. I can talk openly with anyone who I trust and am a good judge of character. The latter is probably an occupational hazard as I can read body language and also tone of voice better than most. I can easily tell who I should tell personal bits of information and who I should not. I don’t like to do what society tells me. I also believe that I can be completely in love with 2-3 women. Fraley (2019) that personal motivational factors can affect attachment. I am motivated to meet lots of women and also spend time with the climber when she wants to hang out with me. Stay tuned.
I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:
You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.
I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.
I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.
My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.
It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.
My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.
I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!
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