I watched “The Tinder Swindler” last night–just in case.
Do you think that Netflix will eventually make a documentary from the app HER?!?
We all have our experiences, Tesoro, and I have always made way more money than partners. It yields my being generous, and after breakups, not supporting a partner long-term. That doesn’t have to work for you.
I get that you need money atm. I’ve had times like that too. However, that would have to be something that I would do live and in person if we were travelling together.
And, I don’t know you really. I’m not on any social media with you.
I’m wickedly attracted to your pictures, love talking to you on the phone, wish that wish that within three-months we’d have had more than one video call that had shitty signal, and would give anything to be in person with you.
I hear everything you’re saying, but I have to be honest with you. If you really care about me, then that care can’t just wait until we’re “in person.” Real care shows up when someone actually needs it, not when it’s convenient. Right now is when I need you, not someday in the future. I understand that you’ve been generous in past relationships and you don’t want to support someone long-term after a breakup. That’s fair, but what I’m asking for isn’t about taking advantage of you. It’s about showing me that your words and feelings are real.
You say that you’re attracted to me, that you love talking to me, and that you’d “give anything” to be in person. If that’s all true, then it shouldn’t take being physically together for you to show me you care or to stand by me when I’m struggling. Attraction and phone calls are nice, but actions are what make someone feel safe and valued.
I’m not asking for perfection, just some proof that you’re here for me now, not later. If you can’t or it’s difficult for you, it only means that you didn’t mean anything you said you can’t actually ever be there for me.. Because if we’re truly building something real, it has to start with trust, support, and showing up when it matters most and that’s exactly where we are now.
I get it. I’m sorry that money is the way that you trust me. Thanks for sharing all of the reasons why I’m not right for you. I appreciate everything that you wrote to me for 3-months. I wish everything for you. I know that you’ll find the person who you’re looking for. You’re gorgeous, funny, irreverent and smart.
I have to put Tesoro in a new zone mentally. I am unsure if she has any intention of ever leaving Turkey.
I talked with her on the phone on the 15th and after we’d talked a bit I sighed and was whiny finally saying, “When are you coming home?”
She said, “In a few days.”
We DM’ed more towards the end of this week and I wrote, “When are you flying back?”
She wrote, “Soon, Baby.”
This week we didn’t video and I missed her voice call yesterday. She told me that production is done on equipment and she can’t get money transferred to Turkey.
I told her that if I was in her shoes I would get one of those 18-months interest free credit cards.
I’m a public servant mostly; although, I do some assessments which do pay into the social security system, and I really don’t know shit about energy, powerplants, oil / gas, private contracts, etc.
I know that I don’t have interest in:
Blending finances
Living rather than travelling with a romantic partner
Giving my heart to someone who I’ve never touched
Soooooo… I’m not investing time in DMs to her unless she comes home and schedules IRL with me. I wrote to her that when / if she comes home, I want to have a date with her and begin seeing what we have.
I’m basically at my core a Physical Touch and Quality Time person.
I know, because it happened to me with my ex-wife, that it is possible to fall in love with a picture of someone.
I’m not in love with anyone atm.
For me, love that is full involves mind, body, and soul.
The touch and skin-to-skin contact is so important to me. I believe that we are hardwired for love and attachment.
Although, I’m a creature of words, I am still quite in love with sharing physical space.
I’m pretty into details. More than most people really.
I’ve been alive 51-years this week.
I have spent 17 married.
I have been single and not really dating anyone for about 4-years since I started having sexual intimacy at about 16 or 17.
I started seeing my best friend in high school in covert way. I think that eventually, my parents knew about it. They didn’t talk to me about it. They said, “Leave your door open.”
The same thing happened with my college roommate.
I wanted to be someone who could pass for what is societally believed to be an average person.
I married a buddy. It’s maybe for the best that he was unambitious and also an alcoholic. I would’ve been married to him for 27-years last month.
I have done best historically when I have had weekly intimate contact.
I also was ok living with my college GF for 3.5-years and until we bought a house, I was fine living with my ex-husband.
When he quit his job, didn’t work for 8-months and the trash was overflowing and I got home from work to make dinner, I fought actively with him. It’s a lot of work to keep up a house, and I was doing everything. Looking back, he was depressed.
I’m reasonably sure that I can retire from these three roles that I am doing in 4-years. I’ve done one for about 25 total, and the other work I started 10-years ago. My plan is to take 5 Master’s classes and get a different license altogether. Then, I think that I can have a few in person clients where I conduct assessments, and because of COVID, I have a good home office that I can use for clients who will Zoom. I want to travel and can’t quite live off my pension, so I’ll need to work. And, I am a really good therapist.
I’m single. I don’t have a GF and she’s doing some boundary probing at the moment which is a pattern with which I am all too familiar in 2 past relationships.
I had therapy last night and vetted what I was thinking and actions that I’m taking and planning. My therapist mused, “Are you positive that you want to be friends with her?” And I am! I just need her to respect my boundaries.
Having a love interest who is over six-thousand miles from you and has been there for nearly three-weeks sucks really bad.
I’ve been slowly seeing how she and I are looking for things that are similar.
I was going to begin solo vacations every summer when the pandemic hit.
I camped and completed a gnarly summit on a rope team in 2016; although, at the time, I was married.
I’m pretty independent and free spirited.
I get so lonely on weekends.
I’m not even interested in doing all the slog that it takes to respond to matches on the app at the moment.
I have this incredibly beautiful woman with whom I began corresponding at the end of June. Now, here we are, walking into love with no physical confirmation. It’s so painful. I have no clue when she’ll fly home, how many minutes I’ll get with her when that time happens, and the only known is that I will have to wait until October 9th or 10th to have sustained time with her.
I think after that, we’ll know what we have and I think that it’s going to affect the way that I’m seeking relationship.
I’ve been leading group with the topic of empathy. I’m practicing that with myself, with my ex, and with Tesoro.
I’m Solo Poly. There have been many times that we have discussed in groups that I belong to a rule, a limit and a boundary. People confuse them.
Rules are societal standards. You can’t yell “Fire” at the movies.
Rules in relationships are things like, “I cooked,” so you’ll clean the kitchen and start the dishwasher. They don’t typically apply to things that can’t be easily understood. Rules are almost perfectly black and white.
Boundaries are a lot more confusing. It’s like pushing on something that has been discussed and agreed to prior. It’s like saying, “I’ve asked you not to talk about money when we’re in social situations, and you did last night. I don’t want you to go back on the boundary that I’ve set for that topic.”
I’m setting a limit with _____. I haven’t done it yet, because she and I actively had some conflict.
We’d DM’ed most of the evening before when she and I rescheduled a video date and exchanged a few in the afternoon and then she went silent around 2:00 pm.
I sent a message that said, “5:00. Don’t fall asleep. Or go out to dinner. I can’t wait to see you on video.”
“I’ll try, darling.”
I video called at 5, 6, and 7.
In the morning, I sent an old school text. “I tried you 3x. I am not into a lack of specific communication. Feel free to come to _______ on 8/31 if you’d like to meet in person.”
Then I didn’t send anything.
And she freaked out.
Work was trying and busy the following day. We are missing two folks in assistant positions. It’s like a day treatment position for me. I also had to assess a threat that day. I had not a second and was teaching in person that night. I had to drive to campus. I left her a voice to text in the app when I noticed that she’d called and saw a couple of DMs.
_____ called 7 times in Teams. I just counted the number this morning while I am writing.
And we actively had conflict about it.
Saying that things come up is bullshit.
I have three full jobs. I also assess for a practice on occasion.
And she’s purportedly a “J” on Myers-Briggs!
I’ve told a colleague and my GF that she is either in witness protection or she has escaped an abusive ex-husband.
Regardless, that’s my limit. No more setting up video calls.
I always say that no one is born knowing how to treat you.
I have set a limit–mostly for myself–that I will call in the morning on 8/31 at a time that we come up with and won’t get in my car until she’s in hers. Then we can both drive three-hours into the mountains to meet in person.
Otherwise the limit, which I will voice, is that I don’t like avoidant behavior. See me in person on August 31st come hell or high water. Or that’s it for me hustling. I don’t chase.
If it doesn’t happen, “When you’re ready to come to the city that I live in, let me know ahead of time, and I’ll take you out to dinner.”
Of course I am hoping that I see her IRL on Sunday, August 31st. I am holding out this time. My GF said that I have some kind of thing for women who look like librarians.
Regardless, I’ve set a limit for myself.
What’s a rule? What’s a limit? What’s a boundary? How do you help love interests learn how to treat you?
I’m not sure when these became all the rage… Maybe in the 2010s decade?
My ex-wife and I agreed that gifts are mostly dumb.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately as I’m rounding the corner on 11-months with my girlfriend too. Also, they’re on the middle portion of most women’s dating profiles.
Hands down, I am a Physical Touch person. I think that it’s how I receive all input.
As a brief aside that’s what has been so troubling about my blowing out all the cartilage behind my left knee cap. I can’t move like I want to and it’s very depressing. It’s odd too because I don’t talk to my members of my bowling or kickball teams anymore. Just slightly related to that is that both of those sports involve alcohol, so that is probably what they’re doing socially when they’re not playing.
I love having my hand held. I love an arm around me. I love all things related to sexual intimacy.
Secondary to that is that I need and crave Quality Time. And mine is a tall order. The time spent shouldn’t be casual and should rather be involving interaction, cooperation or some manner of incredible conversation wherein I am learning.
I know that I’m best at Acts of Service. I just think that’s being a Virgo. I can see the holes, quickly analyze them, and then fulfill the need. And, I don’t want those to be reciprocated. When I’m helping someone, I just know that it’s the right thing.
I do not like gifts.
I also don’t like Words of Affirmation. In fact, when someone is way into that as a love language expression, I recoil. They feel like disingenuous bullshit. Or, especially in the case of when my son does them, I know that he wants something from me. It’s usually money.
I am NOT a one-off person. When I love, I love HARD. I don’t want to put that on my dating profile though because I agree with my friend who’s an author that you should walk into love.
Hahaha. Can you tell that in 6-weeks I have a birthday?
What’s your love language for receiving? Is yours different than what you have for giving? Do you think that these are important to discuss with romantic partners?
I took this picture on my 50th birthday in The Met
Five-days after I last wrote in my blog there was a sloppy, snowy puddle in a dark stairwell at one of my sites. I should’ve been more careful, because a 15-year-old who I was walking out after our session fell there 20-minutes before. I helped him up. He had scrapped his shin. I thought “Don’t wear Crocs.”
Except that the stairwell is really dark when it’s overcast, so I didn’t see the puddle and fell at the base of the staircase. My leg went under and behind me. The knee hyperextended. All my weight fell on it. I had to awkwardly pull my leg out from under me. I tried to do the group that is scheduled, but my knee just kept swelling. I had to call our Human Resources Department and then get a case number and head to Urgent Care.
Although it happened on the 3rd, I had problems with the insurance adjusters. I didn’t get a MRI until the 30th. The Physician’s Assistant called me yesterday. It’s three things. Two are old things. One is brand new. I have damaged all the cartilage behind my knee cap.
I have severe osteoarthritis. This diagnosis isn’t shocking. My leg was in a full leg plaster cast for 14-months as an adolescent. I didn’t get a walking cast for a long time and then had to rehab my knee for a couple of years.
I have chondromalacia. I was born knock kneed on my left leg, and then getting hit by a car and having 7 fractures was largely unhelpful.
I will finally see the Physician on Friday. However the Physician’s Assistant told me that what is likely is that he’ll send me to the Orthopedic Surgeon for a consultation.
I’m in very good physical shape for 50. I have a realistic, yet mostly positive outlook. I think if I’m being honest with myself, it’s really a matter of timing and figuring out the best way to get a total knee replacement down the road or sooner.
It’s been very sad for me to do a super long hike quickly and then be like someone in her 70s coming back down. I am so slow with downhill anything. This issue has been going on for a long time. Now, it’s so much pain that I haven’t been able to bike to work, run on the treadmill or do the elliptical, had to quit bowling and couldn’t be on either of the kickball teams this spring.
It’s been helpful to tell the story about my former sister-in-law’s murder to people who care about me or love me. I also completed an intake with my department’s employee assistance program last week and they’ve matched me with a therapist who can provide Eye Movement Reprocessing Desensitization (EMDR). I was able to sing with friends last night too, which was lovely.
EMDR uses techniques to engage both sides of your body with noise, light, your hands, etc. and the therapist has you talk about what happened and then you feel your feelings about the event or events. I know that sounds trite. “Feel your feelings.” However, people are more likely to numb with alcohol or drugs or play hours of video games. They also may sleep or read for hours shutting out the world instead of thinking about the event. Some people don’t remember the event at all!
In EMDR the therapist or clinician also takes about your safety and coping in initial sessions with resourcing for you. That way, if you’re really triggered about the event, you have something that you can rely on in the session and after the session is completed. I’m looking forward to it.
In another entry I’d written about the appeal that I have with theater, music, and movement for trauma treatment. Well, last night we had one of our singalongs that we do at my best friend’s house. My Boss came as well. We also had a man there with a thick accent that sounded like Arabic or was influenced by languages in the middle east. However, he said his name in Polish, so I’m not sure where he is from or how many languages he speaks. I would imagine it’s three or more.
He could play a box drum and later in the night he played a tambourine. It was very cool. He didn’t sing and called himself a percussionist. We had two ukuleles as well. My best friend played two songs on the guitar, but mostly played her ukulele. I have no idea where my guitar is! I’ll be living like this in my house through Monday night because of the painting.
We sing by request from the group. I learned a new song that was in my head this morning when I woke up. It was sweet and fun.
There was this time when we were singing and playing “Greatest Love of All” that I started to cry a bit. No one noticed and I was able to quickly stop. I was thinking about in 2021 when my sister-in-law got out her guitar and was playing songs and her kids were sitting with her on the floor. My son was listening, and my wife was singing some. I didn’t sing, but was so impressed with her playing. She could remember without any music so many songs and then later she got out some music from her closet and sang more.
My brother-in-law was hovering and going in and out of the room. Finally he started complaining about “bedtime.” It was the only time that I heard my sister-in-law use a curt tone with him. She said that she didn’t know how many more songs that she would be playing, but it would be a few. He stomped off.
I’m looking forward to starting therapy on Tuesday. Music last night was healing too. I want to be functioning better than I am right now in two weeks. However, I am so lucky to have resources and friendships as I work through this event.
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