After getting banned from Tinder, I made a HER account and almost had difficulty managing it for awhile. Now, it’s simple. If you’re not verified, I don’t message you. If you’re between 25-39 I assume that you only want sex or a sugar mama. Pretty straightforward.
Enter the mountain girl.
But, first let me tell you what I had learned and utilized.
I had a rhythm. If you were real, I either waited until you messaged me or vice versa and then I scheduled a phone call. Sometimes it wasn’t getting to latter because plenty of women either freak out when you’re Solo Poly or when they really see that you are, after more DMs, they stop writing to you.
That’s all good.
I’m not looking for a standard cohabiting escalator partner.
I won’t change my mind.
I just want at least one other GFs and will continue to be open to the correct comet situations.
The mountain girl hails from Dallas and has also lived in Connecticut and travelled all over the east coast. She moved here with her partner and ran a pizzeria for awhile. They’ve been divorced a year. She’s mostly retired and has all her own money. She has a boyfriend and is a relationship anarchist. She builds her relationships individually with each person including her friends. This blog entry is a good overview of things that I believe about myself and what terms are typically in relationship anarchy.
We had great DMs and then wound up talking just under 50-minutes. She went on a weekend vacation with her BF and was texting me. That would’ve really irritated me, so that would be something that she and I would talk about prior, if we reach that level and stage.
I’m going to be in the mountains all weekend for a polyamory event.
The mountain girl and I spoke on the phone twice yesterday and I told her if it’s flex this weekend with having folks come to pick me up and not stay for a bit that I’d love to have some in person time with her. I texted the author and she said that I’m not chained to the house so of course I can meet up with her.
I can’t wait to see if we also have in person chemistry. She’s normally 4-hours away from me, and I tend to think that it’s nice to miss someone. I’m excited to see what is what. I’m also excited for my event this weekend.
My Aunt turns 70 today. I was supposed to be there, but I had an oppressive headache and then a sore throat on Thursday so after I completed an annual weird requirement that I have daily for about 9-days a year at work, I just went home. I have hundreds of hours of sick leave, so taking five of them didn’t matter much. I slept. I knew then that I wouldn’t have the bandwidth for 10-hours in the car over the course of about 26-hours total on Saturday and Sunday. My Aunt is super religious, so she thinks that my not being there is all part of the grand plan.
There are things that we can’t control. We can run the risk of doing very little and being given to inertia because of our own inaction. Like my tattoo, like everything, it’s all a balance.
I took the climber to work last Monday and I asked her if she could still illustrate for me. Mostly, I got a non-answer. It was “I love the story. Originally, I said that I didn’t know that I was the best person for the job. Then things have gotten so complicated at work, so I haven’t sketched much.”
I told her that I would ask her again in May.
I’m not sure that I’ll see her much after the end of May either and that does make me really sad.
I’m not worried about another illustrator. With her being non-binary she is the best person for the job because of my content; however, she’s historically really difficult to pin down anyway. That sounds kinky, and I don’t mean it that way, but she always has good intentions and little follow through. The drawing for the book is like other things that have never happened, and that is not about me, but is about her.
There are a whole bunch of things that I’ve said to clients frequently and one of them is, “You can control yourself.” I’ve done a really good job with her in terms of having no expectations or demands. I can control that.
I also am proud that I told her on the way home last Monday that I’m being as kind as I can with everyone who I date going forward; although, I’ve yet to have a third date with anyone. I have been told that because I won’t remarry or cohabit that I’m just getting over being divorced.
The thing is that I can control my actions with women. I can be open and honest. I seek magic moments and that’s it. If they happen frequently, that’s great. I’m open to magic moments with women who I see weekly, monthly, annually or whenever. I’m done being conventional and following the status quo.
I also told her on Monday that I don’t want a breakup again. I told her that things that were part of a relationship can be taken out of the relationship completely based on communication. I said that I don’t want what I have with one of my exes and that is the feeling that I must run away if I ever see her.
I’m not seeking anything with any woman in particular. I’m open getting to know a woman and talking about what make sense for us. What makes sense can change and needs negotiation and solid communication.
Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.
McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.
I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living
Let’s see:
I moved out when I was almost 19
I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
I lived with my son for 17-years
I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)
I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.
Last Sunday the CEO sent another follow request. Her new tiny avatar that you can see on your phone for Instagram was of her with her son. When she sent me a follow request a week ago it was just a picture of her. I sat down at this desktop and I went through all the steps for blocking and reporting her. Now, I don’t think that she can find me. I texted my friend who resulted in us being introduced and called her a Donald Trump Mummy. My friend said that she looks like Reba McIntyre. I prefer my assessment.
The coolest things about my ex-husband and my ex-wife is that they leave me alone. That’s super oversimplified, and I’m grateful for the chapters that I had with them both, but they get it. Breakups and divorces are the end of that time.
I’m permanently off the relationship escalator, which I know is much a function of making good money and being privileged. I can get hybrid life and long-term care insurance going for myself this spring. I don’t want breakups anymore. I don’t think that I have to have them because I’m being slow and steady. I like the idea of the relationship smorgasbord. I don’t like the podcast where I was exposed to it at all–the hosts are arrogant and a bit whiny. But, I like working through the smorgasbord talking with friends and am excited to do that with someone reciprocally who is a romantic interest. This concept had been recommended to me by Maryland and I found it on the podcast that I don’t listen to and had listened to a couple of episodes prior to this one.
I did karaoke with my group on Wednesday. Maryland’s primary partner was there and I talked to her quite a bit. She’s really cool. Also, my friend from the women’s discussion group showed up and I gave her a giant hug. She’s a gem. I adore her! She was there with a couple of men. I’m not sure if they’re her partners. Maryland showed up an hour later, and after everyone from the group connected with him, I gave him a very quick hug. He only said one thing to me that was slightly flirty and then I complained that I was initially the only woman here with the exception of his partner, and it was a scary sausage fest and I almost left.
That’s true. I walked in and the bar was lined with men, there were men playing shuffleboard and men at the tables. They stared me down. It was uncomfortable and I was grateful to have no make up on and be in jeans and t-shirt. He said bars like this appeal to that demographic. He went later to play shuffleboard and the queue was getting way too long to sing again, so I hugged folks I was sitting with, hugged Maryland’s partner, and went to my friend and shook one of her folk’s hand and gave her a big hug. I looked around and Maryland was elsewhere. I just told his partner to give him my best.
I bring these things up because you can define lots of elements that work for both people if you subscribe to the idea of the relationship smorgasbord. I would like to add more Communication to my dynamic with the Climber. I would like someday to add Romantic to my dynamic with the Realtor. I had a weird ping and a few fleeting moments with my bowling teammate and I’m interested to see what that was. I’m a slow processor and really on the fence. It’s all the smorgasbord for me.
Dinner was good and because we were the second group of people there on Saturday night, service was swift. The appetizers came out within typical timing and our food was maybe 20-minutes after that. The pacing was weird, because I didn’t get mine right away, but it was delicious and we weren’t there long–just over an hour. Then I took my son bowling. Bowling is soooo expensive outside of league. It’s ok.
For some reason, I got an extra $90 from the University this month, which always makes the alimony bite better when I see extra money. There are 3 payments left folks, and I have already written in the Exclusive Right to Sell Document on Thursday that some of the money goes in a cashier’s check. I’ll get the title company to send that to my ex-wife and then this chapter finally closes. I think that it will be about a year from when my divorce finalized.
We picked up Maryland at his house and had a nice ride up to the trailhead. We even got a parking spot which was shocking! I had never been up there in the spring. There were some really muddy areas from the brook that feeds out of the canyon and there was a really pretty flower just blooming. Google Lens wasn’t working because no one had signal.
Pretty mountain flower
I had packed turkey, Swiss, and romaine sandwiches for us all. Then my son wanted me to store his raincoat, so I told him to put it in my backpack with my water bladder and first aid stuff and he threw a sandwich on the trail and blamed me for not having it wrapped well in aluminum foil. I told him to pick it all up and had to keep telling him where pieces of it were and he got so pissed about me not wrapping food correctly–mind you it was securely in my backpack–that he charged ahead of us. That was fine.
Maryland and I had great conversation. He said, “So, you’re returning to polyamory.” I said, “I’m trying not to mess up. I had a quad that only the girl and I knew about in college and it was unethical. And then I was in a Vee in 2009-2010. In fact, she was the first person that I thought of when I got divorced. I texted her, ‘How are you? I’m divorced.’ But, she wound up being really sick so she had to stay in her marriage because her wife has good medical insurance.” I told him my ideal would be a couple of married women who had girlfriends as younger people and are in a long-term marriage and not doing well with bisexuality, so they’ve talked with their husbands about opening up. I told him that I don’t see myself as a threat to a man. I’m direct, authentic, open and would never want to break up a marriage. I just like having girlfriends. He told me that I’m the unicorn. He also told me to get on an app. That won’t happen.
The climber would scurry and solo this stuff all the way up the top piece of granite.
Maryland has been polyamorous since college. He is in a year-long relationship with a partner who is my age. I think she’s probably just a little older than me judging from the way that she looks. He loves her and considers her his primary partner. She loves him and is solo poly. I think that I’ve discovered that people who make a decent amount of money and have a house identify more with being solo poly. The words seemed loaded. Eg. “My money is mine and I don’t cohabitate.” His partner brought him over to me at karaoke and introduced us and then she said, “I’m going to mingle.” He had gotten my phone number and then we texted and made these plans. I think that we’ll camp this summer too. I enjoy his company very much. He’s also sweet. He texted, “Ok, good to know. Yes, definitely feeling it but that was good,” after I’d texted him our mileage. I texted back, “Hahahaha. Me too! I got nine-years on ya, too,” and sent the sleeping head and grandma emoji. He texted back, “You rock it,” with the starry eyed emoji and a pine tree. I prayer handed that text. He’s going to be a very close friend to me. I’m very happy.
Today I have high tea at the Indian tea house. I wonder if liquor stores are open today? I want to add a bottle of Scarpetta Rosé to the candle and bath bombs for the ballet dancer. Hopefully, they’re open. I have to pick up her best friend out here before we go to the other city. Her best friend wrecked her car. She’s a lesbian too, so I’m looking forward to chatting with her. I told the ballet dancer because she’s newly out, I could be like a mentor to her. I’ve been out 16-years this fall.
I’m going to do yard work and organizing today before the birthday party at high tea. I have to have the house more manageable before I leave for Oregon. It’s pretty disorganized and the yards are actually insane because of all the spring rain. The yards at my house are ridiculous. Like other things from the 50s that I don’t agree with is not limited to all kinds of Kentucky bluegrass everywhere surrounded a brick ranch in the desert. I have mulch and a xeriscape up front and have a tiny patch of tall fescue in the back. I’m doing no mow May though, so it’s also crazy. It’s going to take forever on Thursday to cut it.
Has anyone seen “Indecent Proposal?” Robert Redford gives a couple a million dollars to have a night with I think Woody Harrelson’s wife… Is it Demi Moore? I can’t recall, actually. It fucks up their marriage entirely. I don’t want transactional intimacy. I want a couple of girlfriends. I want to do what I want that doesn’t involve sex, and want to always kiss who I want to kiss. With girlfriends, it would be wonderful to be friends with husbands too, because I really feel at ease around men. They don’t make my heart race or make me feel fluttery.
Maryland, who is so cool, and doesn’t make me feel anything but respect and companionship told me about the relationship smorgasbord. I don’t love this podcast, but have listened to 3-5 of them, and found the graphic in the podcast of the relationship smorgasbord that I want to include in this blog about my weekend and reflections on transactional sex.
Maryland is a Companionship / Playfulness and Emotional Intimacy relationship. The ballet dancer is also Companionship / Playfulness but there is some level or hierarchy given our age difference–Power / Hierarchy on the graphic. I think that will be the same with her best friend. The climber does some communication dynamics and is Romantic with some manner of Emotional Intimacy. Maryland was correct, as this graphic is really helpful with conceptualizing relationship. My best friend and I cross over so many areas on this graphic, so you can see visually the import of our connection.
I sang on Saturday night and met a really nice woman. The music teacher got her number. She was fun to talk to and very smart. I think that she was close to the music teacher’s age. Speaking of youngsters–the woman from the climbing class texted and we hiked on Sunday! We asked a fellow hiker if we were on the loop though, and we weren’t, so that was funny. I told her that we’d pay a fellow trailblazer for a ride to the other trailhead. She said that on All Trails we’d hiked for 5.5-miles! This really nice mountain biker went and got gas and then took us up the canyon. It was so cool of him and I Venmo’ed him $10 and then my new young friend sent me $5. She is having a birthday party at a teahouse over Memorial Day. Such a fun connection for me! She’s going to talk to my son about IT too. My son was Prom King on Saturday night. I’m so glad that he’s graduating.
The nice guy walked to my house and we three made good time in. When we had our morning meeting our Boss said that the climber was running late. I had lunch with everyone and took my lake walk. We have an absolutely awful meeting every Monday afternoon, and this one was only slightly better. With the exception that I learned from our Boss that the climber is late 2-3 times every week, and that the nice guy was sleeping, and that the woman with whom I share an office this year wouldn’t meet with me and a client feigning “too busy,” I was fine in the meeting. Then I was just grossed out at the lack of professionalism and entitlement. Gross.
There are professional lines at work, and I would be a terrible boss because I’d fire everyone. It’s good that I do what I do. I had to talk to the climber about memory and learning trials given one of our clients. It went well and she was interested. I didn’t feel sparks. I did smile back at her and she smiled a lot at me, but I think because she mentions plans and doesn’t do anything to follow through that she is moving to a comet for me. I used to think of her as a satellite because of seeing her weekly, but with the amount of Mondays that she misses it was already getting like a comet. Not that I chase. Now, I just am doing my thing three more times until late summer.
Speaking of which, the nice guy and I were driving home together and the climber was next to us on the highway. We paced her to be funny and also were waving our arms. She was texting! On the highway. She didn’t see us. Eventually we were on the street and did get her to look over with honking, yelling, and waving get her attention. I told her we’d been with her on the highway when she rolled down her window and she seemed a little embarrassed. I told her that her texts must have been interesting. The nice guy said that her driving often scares him. He told a bunch of stories. He also told me that she fell asleep at the wheel once and he had to clap by her face! The nice guy told her that she is going to have to start sleeping at night. It does explain being late 2-3 days a week. He also said that she had accidentally put her car into park when it was running and it was after that it became unfixable. Apparently, she met him in the copy room and asked him if we were mad at her. He told her that we weren’t and he always assumed that we commute Mondays so he walked to my house because I leave earlier. I’d never be interested being late 2-3 times a week.
I told him that I would love to be involved as a girlfriend in a couple of marriages. I acknowledged that it was a complete unicorn hunting episode, but said that it would be so cool if a couple of women who had been married awhile couldn’t deal well without a relationship with a woman given their bisexuality and made a consensual, ethical arrangement. He told me that it wasn’t unicorn hunting at all, and that my talking about it was giving it life. He told me to get on the app, Her, because that arrangement is super common. I told him that there was no way that I would ever do apps. Maybe someday I’ll blog about the cowgirl and flute player more specifically, but apps don’t work well for me. I’m organic.
My son and I did our cardio and my best friend was walking into the gym! She had a box of materials with her. She was going to throw clay in the studio. It was so nice to see her. She complimented my physique. I see her on Saturday to help her get furniture moved because her parents are coming. We’ll clean too. It was funny that the day was all about bisexuality and that a new friend here on WordPress was saying that polarized thinking is inflexible. It is. It’s a scale. Lots of women lean toward the middle on Kinsey.
It would be so cool to find some 5-6 scale women on either or both coasts and some 3-4 women who have an open understanding with their husbands. We shall see!
I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).
I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.
For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.
“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂
I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.
Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.
The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.
I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.
Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.
A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!
“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.
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