Tag Archives: Relationships

by

Asked for a kiss

I only worked on Monday this week, which was good given a crisis that happened the week before. I didn’t talk to or look at the climber. I came in early, set up an incredible breakfast, and worked. I was walking a client down the hall to my office mid-morning and she was talking with one of our colleagues and I kept talking with my client, and honestly didn’t notice who she was actually speaking with in the hallway. I had to walk past her office several times all day, but didn’t look in, linger and walked my typical super fast pace. (I get a lot of shit about how fast I walk.) At the end of the day, she came into the front room in my office and then into mine and we chatted. I said, “I didn’t see you today, but knew you were at work.” She said, “I saw you in passing several times.” She also complimented the food. I told her, “I’ve cooked for you before. We need to be honest about that.” She told me that I’m good at everything. I don’t even know what that means. We haven’t had sex. I can’t dance.

I had forgotten some materials for one of our clients and told her commuting partner that I would bring it by his house and didn’t know what time. I made it home, got it, and then went to his house when they were driving up. I joked with him to catch it. I told him I was kidding because it’s very heavy and then walked to my car and started getting in. The climber said something that I couldn’t hear so I walked to her car. She said, “_____ and I were talking and said that we should all commute together.” I said, “That probably wouldn’t work because they have me go to client homes sometimes,” and she said, “As long as you were back at the end of the day, that would be fine.” I said, “There’s a liability with driving someone else’s car.” She said, “Maybe you could drive us?” I texted her the next day that I would drive them. I didn’t hear back so I texted her commuting partner that _____ had mentioned when I was leaving his house us all commuting together. If they were there at 7:20, parked on the side of my driveway, I would drive. He hearted the text. We’ll see. I don’t really care either way. If I was in the car with the climber, it would be nice for us to be alone. Her commuting partner is a super nice guy though.

I was away from my house for hours all week, but only had to get up incredibly early on Tuesday. The convention was wonderful. I saw so many former students. They are all over the nation and it was amazing to see them. I also saw a couple of colleagues who I had not seen in years. I went to the corporate party and had a complete blast and then when I left at 11:30 the next train was due to come at 4:18. I walked 4-miles through not the best neighborhoods and finally hailed down a bus amidst construction barrels, plastic fencing and missing streets. The bus driver told me that at the central station that the next train would be there now. Nine-minutes later nothing, which is what my Google Maps said for the next train. It kept getting pushed back for the ETA. About 20-minutes into my wait it said it would be there at 2:24. I downloaded Lyft, got to my Park N Ride and went to bed a bit after 1:30. Yikes. The entire convention was excellent. I learned a ton and have a new endorsement for trainings. The woman who I prowl with and I will have to start some marketing. She and I can train in the same three trainings. I should go to GA. More on that 😉

I went to lunch today with the Vegan. I can’t call her Angry Vegan anymore because 1) I had fun, and 2) We had wonderful conversation. We’re going to go to a favorite spot of mine for veggies and the best Green Goddess dressing that I’ve ever had. She is still pretty injured, but we will climb together eventually. It was really nice.

I taught tonight and barely got home in time to do it from home. I was craving Mexican food so I went downtown to eat and then dragged myself to the bar. I watched the Celtics game at the restaurant, but the bar owner doesn’t pay for the NBA channel so I had to watch a repeat game: Cavs and Pelicans. I slowly drank a beer. After standup was over, I was able to move to the other side of the bar. I had asked a woman who was with her girlfriend if it was ok that I put my jacket on the chair next to her as I was standing at the bar and she said “of course.” Super nice girl. When I was moving to the other side of the bar after standup was over I retrieved my jacket and she chatted with me and was kind. She said, “I’ll hopefully talk with you more later.” I said that I’d like that.

She and I chatted a bunch. She asked me my sign and said, “I’m always attracted to Virgos.” We talked for a long time. She’s 30!!!!!!! I told her, “I could be your mother!” She said, “Just barely.” Flattering nonetheless. She’s from Atlanta and here for a vacation and the girlfriend is her ex. When the latter was back, I made myself scarce, went to close out my tab and said goodbye. Then I said, “Give me a hug.” We embraced. When I told her that it was nice to meet her and that I was sorry not to take her to lunch she said, “Can I have a kiss?” It was quick. I hugged her again and said, “Let’s have one more kiss,” and really kissed her longer. Nice. Should a 48-year-old person kiss a 30-year-old?!? Who cares.

by

More loose ends

I process things pretty slow. I’m also long-suffering. Those qualities do not make for a good match in exclusive partnership. Anyway, as I write all of the time as I’ve been doing since last November these features have made me want independence, and to love and enjoy others in specific places and times. I won’t live with someone again until I am in my 80s and need some help from someone younger who I pay with whom I have a business relationship. I will not remarry. I think that monogamy works for a handful of people. I have not been exposed to a marriage that I thought was working for both people in my sphere. I know that they exist, but it always seems like massive sacrifices are made by one person more than the other when I know both people. That is where I am.

I had talked to my ex who is dying slowly on January 21st and was on car adapter through speakers with her and her wife. The conversation was bizarre. It spanned medical procedures and the new cars that they’re thinking about buying. It made sense finally to me why she reconciled with her wife. I guess she was broadcasting their business on Facebook, and talking about their fights and possible divorce. I don’t get on Facebook unless someone tells me that I have to log in: eg. pickleball dues or a post that they need me to address. Didn’t ask how I was. Didn’t inquire about my son who she always says that she adores. I get she’s on a transplant list. I knew all the stuff that had happened via text when I donated to her Go Fund Me. I don’t like cars. I bought a sport utility vehicle in 2008 and still drive it. It was two-years-old. I repair it and put parts in it. I’m not going to hustle down there. I’ll go see them when it’s necessary.

I have a sinus infection. I guess what is going around is bacterial. I’m NOT getting antibiotics. Work was difficult, but definitely not impossible. And then I bought everything and took it for the first time last night, and I slept through the night except to blow my noise once and my throat is good. One night of vitamins and such. I always have Kickass Immune and EmergenC, and still have a little bit of the Chinese herbs that my ex-mother-in-law used to send, but I needed to add these until I felt cessation in sinus pressure and a sore throat:

I COVID tested negative–again–why don’t I get COVID? I have to be careful with zinc. It sends to nauseate me or make me throw up. I think that the sources on the left were more water soluble so it was fine. I also made mushroom risotto, chicken cutlets with panko and kale chips in the oven last night, so I was pretty full when I took these zinc.

I didn’t see the photographer at the art performance. She texted me the next day and said that she was texting with the woman who I was able to sit with–and her boyfriend and a lesbian couple. She said that she was sad not to run into me. So, I’ve texted with her a little bit about the sale of house this summer. I don’t actually want to hike or cycle with her. I want a professional relationship. I saw a few pictures of her recently and didn’t find her attractive. At the beginning of April, we’ll do a walkthrough pending the late afternoon that works for the tenants who pay bills there. I’m not hugging her and will bring my son if I can make it work with his schedule. He’s a good buffer. He’s also very good looking, so he distracts people.

He’s going back to high school. Not his high school, but one in which he can blend online and in person classes. He told me last night that he wants mostly in person classes. I don’t care, and am glad he’ll have a diploma instead of a GED. There still is some stigma. In his case, it’s truly being lazy. I have to hire a driver. Uber and Lyft have too broad a window, and I want him to be on time. He can take the city bus home. His Dad can take him once a week, and I can take him once a week. Hopefully, it won’t be as expensive as his out-of-pocket therapy that ended a week ago was. He has to go to school nine weeks only–not a year-and-a-half. They’ll get his schedule done on Monday. His personal essay for the application said that in 6th grade the friends that he had controlled him rather than knew him, and that COVID killed all his motivation for school. I wonder who else has a student like my son?

I have to study today and also read. I have a training of trainers event on Tuesday and Wednesday and work on Monday and have convention things all day on Thursday and Friday. There is a corporate sponsored party on Tuesday night as well. Maybe I should have my son stay at our house and I should stay in the hotel with an old friend? No, I won’t sleep well and that seems a little bit 20-something. Regardless, I’m excited for the convention.

by

Quickie

Nope.

I had a ton of fun at dodgeball. I did get hit in the butt, and it stung! Then, I got hit the face, which was really sucky. Then I saw my fifth penis. Yikes. I went outside and changed into a long sleeved shirt in my car and realized that I’d left my water bottle on the court. It’s so, so cold, so that much in and out of cars and buildings made me have to pee, and I went to do that and the ref was peeing. Embarrassing. Terrifying.

I went to the cowboy bear bar and talked with a woman on the opposing team. It was so cool because I worked at her school in 2009! She’s like a success story. She got out of a terrible neighborhood, was never parented and really raised her brother. We had a great talk, and her teammates were very cool. I don’t have many gay guy friends because sometimes they act strangely effeminate which strikes me as disingenuous or they get loaded and feel you up. Then they say that they just like breasts and aren’t into you. I don’t like that. No problem on Sunday night though and I had fun. Our team manager actively flirts with me. She is a good hugger. She is really overweight and a child though, so definitely not a love interest.

I told my other colleague who does a similar job to me that I keep getting hit on by men when I ate lunch with her yesterday. That was much of the night when we had to move venues Saturday for our prowl. She told me that I should basically switch hit. I said that I have only ever seen 5 penises and love men, and it’s not a sexual thing for me. I don’t think that she understands, which is fine.

I think that the climber has missed over three-days of work. She really hasn’t worked a ton in January. She must be hot and heavy with a new partner. I know that she doesn’t sleep much. Again, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to interact with her yesterday anyway, but it’s odd how she was gone an extra day for her birthday weekend, we didn’t work mid-week that week anyway, and then missed Thursday, Friday and Monday. If she’s now sick, that is really sick. When I was in my twenties, I used to get sick and missed work. I’ve rarely missed any work at all in the last 8-years. My immune system is really good too. I attribute much of that to this:

I also take a multivitamin and 4300 grams daily of high grade fish oil. I think those are my sweet spot. Did you know that fungus covers our earth? Taking an immune enhancing mushroom blend is honestly helpful. Watch this TED talk if you’re incredulous:

Blew my mind.

I don’t miss work, because I don’t get sick. I’ve never had COVID although I’ve had super direct exposure. I like good food, sleep and exercise too, which likely helps. I’m getting so excited to meet women next week and be away from work. I’m going to cook on Sunday afternoon and bring food to work on Monday to thank staff for actively screening kids for mental health problems that we can address. It will be a nice way to kick off my week next week, and then it’s four-days of convention! Woo-hoo.

by

Writing helps

I know that I had written that I read “Opening Up.” Through writing and also processing some trauma, people experienced alleviation of symptoms according to the professor and researcher. Now when we work with people we teach them a ton of mindfulness, relaxation, and sometimes biofeedback before we process anything significant. The exception is when you have someone come in your office in an acute stress state or fully panicked and then you ground them fairly directedly, and allow them enough time and space to tell the whole story. You can also have them rate how it feels to tell it with totally freaked “10” and calm “1.” You can have them tell the story a few times too to hopefully desensitize the heightened emotional state. I have life circumstances that are in a low state of stress all the time, so I just have to ventilate a little. I talk a bit about stress and write way more.

Last night my colleague who almost died was talking to me about work and when we got to my son’s best friend’s house, I hung up the call. I called her last night while I was lifting weights. She’s a mess. I think that three-years ago her own stuff got really flared up when a client of ours was murdered. It was grisly and all over the news too. Her father had chosen to come to her house to die just a year prior, and the man who raised her just died of cancer. Way, way, way too much. That’s why she was suicidal. I told her, “______, I am your solid friend. I’m pretty basic (I didn’t explain that it wasn’t in the white Adidas, yoga pants, carrying a Hydroflask way because she’s a Gen X’er too–actually I’m 6-weeks older than her.), and never do anything weird. You can count on me to always be the same.” She stopped crying eventually and calmed down. Hopefully, she slept ok.

After my brother was killed and I was in the hospital, my mother had fielded all kinds of phone calls and read letters from 8th grade kids who were my “best friend.” I know that the woman who I prowl with once monthly also calls me her “best friend.” My ex-wife always told me that I’m so much of a better friend than a partner. It’s all pretty interesting to me.

Even the climber said, “Have you always been this confident?” I told her no, and especially was not in my thirties. That’s true. I used to try to hard. I can read my writing from 2011 – 2013 and see all kinds of over extensions and frankly silly shit that I used to do. Glad it’s over and likely has come with age. Speaking of which, I put it out there that I’m still wickedly attracted to her on Monday with talking about the blue hue match of her eyes to her sweater, and that she has a memory of me in my underwear. Because she’s busy, and likely it’s with new partners, I’m going to just work with her a bit and say “Hi,” if our paths cross in the hall or copy room. Otherwise, I’m not going to initiate a conversation with her again. That’s more firm than my simply saying that I won’t ask her out. Come to me if you’d like, as you know where to find me.

I’ll see the photographer on Friday. I really hope that she just says, “Hello,” and catches up with me. I don’t want to hug her or do anything which involves a mixed message. We all have an art demo and music performance from my best friend’s singing partner. My best friend gets back from a month in Asia next week. She won’t be at the museum for this artistic experience. My Boss will at about 7 or 7:30, and she was shocked that I don’t have a date. I told her that I don’t chase. And, again, she said, “Wow. That is impressive.” I guess confidence is sometimes attractive and other times surprising.

I think that in entries from 10-years ago I talked about next year starting my easy part of life. A Vedic Astrologer told me that during a 2.5-hour reading that I paid for. I also had my friend who is coming in two weeks for convention do a distance reading through her mother probably 12-years ago. She told my friend that I wasn’t through the difficult part of my life. I think that Dad dying in 2020, Mom dying in 2021, my divorce in 2022 and my son dropping out this year are all trying. I think, too, that these circumstances have been helpful. Writing about them has made them more easy to process.

by

Saturday

I took a class on the artificial wall again, and we used ice tools. Imagine a slanted hammer with a handle, and also some edges half up it and a movable leather loop. There isn’t a loyalty free simulated ice tool available so I drew it for you here and you must imagine trying to find ledge pieces on an artificial wall from which you attach the leather instead of using your hands. That meant that when I slung it onto a ledge piece on the wall and then stepped up and threw it to another piece I fell. Not gracefully. Boom. Hit my back, flail off and away. Simulated ice tools. Real fun.

I have drawn the simulated ice tool for you to view using the Paint App–you’re welcome

I had a ton of fun though. The instructor was the same main guy from the class that I took late summer and told the climber about. That means that since I’ve healed from my injuries, I have now had the same instructor for the same class and then this class with simulated ice tools from one of the instructors from the first outdoor class ever. When I retake his day and a half class this spring, I shall have come full circle. I should do well, and still want to try to climb weekly if possible. I like it and will likely get better. Just don’t know about simulated ice tools at this stage for me.

There were eventually three other students. I spent about an hour and half climbing and stayed there for 2.5 hours. The instructor is also a dancer and has mutual friends within the dance community with the climber. Small scene: dancing climbers. I told the instructor that she was my colleague and she is. I’ve just had three make-outs with this particular colleague.

I also redid my highlights and they’re legitimately red now and did two haircuts. Yes, two. Getting the undercut the way that I wanted it was a tall order. I’ll include a loyalty-free picture here for you of an undercut.

I have salt and pepper hair though

My new-to-me-salon-cosmetologist doesn’t have a barber’s license, so I had to go elsewhere to get my mountains. I have mountains in my undercut because I went to a Barber Shop and two guys worked on my mountains in the back of my hair in my undercut. The back of my hair is mostly dark brown while the front is pretty gray these days. I’ve actually been noticeably gray since 26, and my ex-wife “encouraged” me to go gray during COVID. The word is loose as it was more like, “I can’t believe that every three weeks you put plastic into the environment and rinse all that toxic shit down the drain. You have to dye it outside, because it’s giving me hives. Gray hair is sexy. You’re so rigid.” It’s highlighted now anyway and has been for two-months, and with the undercut, I think that I look badass.

I am fair to midland. I am super excited for dodgeball league that starts tomorrow night. Hopefully, it will be super social and improve my mood. Talking on the artificial wall today and to three different hair professionals was also fun.

On Thursday, I went to the bar and sat down at the bar. A girl asked to sit with me. She was cool and kind so I bought her GIGANTIC shot of Patron. I thought that she was Gen Z and she thought that was hilarious. I think that there are child millennials and just on the edge of Gen X millennials. She was on the child side. She wanted to buy me a drink and I declined. Anyone who reminds me of my son cannot buy me a drink. I owned “Hit me with Your Best Shot,” and then took myself out to sushi. It was fun.

I brought home takeout after my haircut and another errand. I am playing fortune cookie love life. Here is my closing:

by

Landed

On Friday night I taught and was done at 7, and I was really hungry. My son had been at the music studio and he had met his ex-girlfriend there. I really like her. I don’t like them together. She has poor health in all facets, so I think that he was drawn to her because of my ex-wife honestly who was also in poor health all around. Anyway, we went to dinner. The kids told me that they want to get back together and I said, “That’s not a good idea. You should be good friends, and _______, if you want to break up with ____ you should talk to her. It’s likely impulse and it’s comfortable seeing ___ again.” They listened and considered all of it. Her mother met us there and we hugged and chatted. She invited my son and I to family karaoke.

I did my walk Saturday. My colleague who tried to kill herself called me and we we talked awhile. I played guitar, I sent the required paperwork to the Bank Manager for the house, and cooked a bit. I took my car to get detailed because I want it very clean when women who are new to me go places with me, and then although it’s still pretty icy, I biked 7-miles to go shopping. I got some dog food, new jeans and finally found a red t-shirt. Why is it difficult to get a red t-shirt?

When I got home, I had really rough conversation with my son and found out that he had only been to a few classes in the last two weeks. His Calculus teacher reached out to me via text. He said that if I gave him $2 a day, he’d go to all his classes, and that sounded like a cheap way for me to preserve some sanity for what I call my jail sentence. I have just over a-year-and-half left with him here. He has to move out when he turns 18.5. He has a move out day. Then my son left to his current girlfriend’s house for her father’s birthday party. I fed my pets and did a little cleaning and took them on a nice walk. While playing guitar, I got a text from my son that he was coming home.

He’s dropping out. I think that he’ll pass the GED in his sleep. He’s so good at math and a good writer, and will just need to work off the study guide for Science and Social Studies, but for the latter he passed an Advanced Placement exam two school years ago doing nothing. It’s not that he isn’t bright. He can’t navigate social dynamics and now can’t go to class at all. It’s definitely upsetting. Not what you want for your child either. He has to get another job and doesn’t drive, so he’ll have to bike or walk to work. His ex-girlfriend messaged his current girlfriend during the birthday party and a mess ensued. Doors slammed, awkward whispering, and he came home. Suffice to say, I had shitty sleep Saturday night and Sunday was difficult.

I talked with my colleague who tried to kill herself–she’s a single mother too. I got a text from the wife of my ex who is dying, and she had to get two units of blood on Saturday night and they can’t find the bleed. I’m buying tickets for the end of March to NC, and am hoping to see her with my son. That may not be the timing and I’m distraught about it. And I drove to the Rec Center and added 15-20 lbs more than I’d been using on the machines. I was still in a hideous mood and tried two friends, and it went to VM. I walked a bit over a mile and drank my recovery drink. When I got back to the car his girlfriend texted me that my son had a “family iPhone.” I was shocked. I called my colleague who tried to kill herself. As I was driving back to my house, I kept her call in the pocket of my jacket. I went to his room and said, “_______, ____ texted me and I need the iPhone that she gave you.”

At the time, I never thought in a million years that parents would undermine MY parenting and not talk to me regarding a smart device as they knew that the flip phone was a consequence. I kept my colleague on the phone. I went to their house, put the phone on the porch and took a picture which I sent to the girlfriend’s Dad and Stepmother. He texted, “Thank u.” Are you kidding me? My son’s on a flip phone and subscription separate GPS! On what planet do you give a child a phone who’s had a phone for 7-years and doesn’t get to have technology in his room? Why is that your decision? I woke up my son, said it all made a lot of sense why it’s been easy for me to collect his district-provided laptop and flip phone at night, because he’s never had to stop using text and social media messaging. And what’s worse is that other parents made that decision for me.

Although my mood was only slightly less hideous, it was then horrific. I was vile. My son asked if he should move out and I told him no, but whenever his Dad can have him overnight that he should. I just need space. Not that a 17-year-old understands interfering in other people’s parenting, and her parents apparently handed over the phone to him “so it would be easier for him to text their daughter.” I told him that they have bizarre boundaries, and it’s not his girlfriend’s fault, but I have no trust in them and he’s not permitted to date her ever again while living with me. I got a text from his ex-gf’s mom saying that she would include me in the next family karaoke, but her daughter hasn’t been feeling well all day and she’s not going out with her friends. I thanked her. I hope that I do hear from her again, as she’s cool and that sounds so fun. Just before 7, my son’s Dad picked him up. I was in a hideous mood still. So, I went to a new karaoke bar and put my name in and sang. People at this venue were really good, so my first song was mid. My second song was wonderful. Too bad what was derivative of that was two guys hitting on me and one trying to buy me drinks. I was polite and declined, but then didn’t wait for my next rotation. I just went home. I slept like a rock last night. I feel so good today. I’ve landed.

I’ll text the climber happy birthday. She apparently wasn’t at work on Friday, so I’ll text her that I hope that meant that she wasn’t sick, but was rather extending her plans to add a day. I don’t think that she’ll text back. She’s been bad about that as of late. However, I do me and I’m conscientious and wish people Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. I don’t chase, and won’t ask her out again. We shall see. She’s sexy and incredibly fun. She lives with five people though and they dance all the time and also do elite outdoor adventuring. Admirable for sure, but not something that someone can just simply join into and I wouldn’t want to do so. I’m up for a sing-a-long if that ever happens.

I’m NOT texting or calling the Photographer. After we get back from NC I’ll send her an email calendar notice for late afternoon some early April day so that we can walk through the house. That’s it.

I’ve had this situation happen before wherein things fizzle and then I have new experiences. The main difference now is that I’m not looking for an exclusive thing. Case in point is these two situations. One could be my crazy adventurer, and the other could be my coffee and hiking / biking companion. I would love to add a third too. Like a woman to traipse around a museum and go to live venues for music. I have what I want dialed in and won’t compromise anything.

  1. Honesty
  2. Independence
  3. Boundary
  4. Kindness
  5. Love big and with no limit

by

Cheer Up

I can climb! Honestly, I really can now. I did mention in an entry over vacation that I got up a route, and last night I’d paid for a 2.5-hour class that I had taken in 2015 or 2016 and retook in August. I gifted two slots also for Christmas to my son’s godparents and we did the class together. I’m also waaaay faster than I had been. I used the same method: watch someone go up to a place where I got stuck and then I could do the whole route. I also encouraged my son’s godparents and another woman who took the class. I can belay the shit out of someone on an ATC, but that gris gris thing freaks me out. I do need to practice tying the knot because at the end, I lose where I’m tracing. Maybe tonight I can go to Army Surplus and cut four-feet of rope. Then I’ll run a video off of “Outside Plus” to follow with the last leg of the trace. I think that I’ll take another intro class at some gym around here so that I can learn that gris gris which is what’s used inside. An ATC gives you a repelling option and I find it intuitive, but I’ve only used the gris gris personally one time. However, I can climb and want to learn more and more. I kinda pressured them to join a gym so we can go in threes. That was so fun over vacation with my old work husband and his real wife. There isn’t any reason for me to join a gym, because I don’t have a partner to belay. I look forward to later spring and being outside again, and as soon as the guide comes out from our Rec Center, I’ll get signed up for the class again. I had an injury in May and was not in shape for the class really. The teacher at the indoor class last night said that he was shocked to see a familiar face. I told him that because I was healing from a torn hamstring and bruised meniscus, I needed to retake it. I got to the top of two routes and climbed five times total, and the knot is easier. Yay.

I have been semi-hideous. There is still so much ice in the bike lanes. I’ve not cycled to work for two-weeks. When you cycle a minimum of 16-miles every week and your last ride was on December 28th, it’s a shift for sure. My mood is hideous as I mentioned. However, climbing over an hour last night was super helpful. I have a community walk tomorrow morning for just me and the dogs because my son has work crew. Then on Sunday I’m going to ride to the Rec Center to get there by nine and do machines for upper body and come home. It’s going to snow again, and I need to avoid being hideous all winter. I have no idea how people survive in Chicago. I’d lose my fucking mind.

I asked the climber out to dinner. She’s busy all weekend with her household. Sucks. I’ll send her a birthday text on Monday and will see her next Friday. More calm and cool for me. I don’t chase and it will work out to hang when she initiates something. One relay of hearing three-days worth of plans is enough for me. I know though that we’ll do something at some point, but it can’t be a dance because I can’t dance, and she doesn’t have an indoor climbing gym membership nor do I. I’ll check on Sunday if the outdoor wall at the Rec Center has open climb times, and if I’m proficient with that damn figure 8 knot by Sunday, maybe that will work out sometime, but again, I am not asking her out again and will wait for her to ask me out.

I am over the legal hump with selling the house. I’m meeting up with the photographer in early April to do a walk through. I may have to put money into the house to sell it. I’m going to ask her opinion because she’s also a realtor. She said in text that she is still up for hanging out if I am, and I said that when it’s warm we should do a bike ride. She sent a wink and said that 50 degrees and above works for her. I’d NEVER text winks or hearts to her ever again, and so I said to ping me when it’s warm enough for a ride and she thanked me for reaching out. I’m NOT hugging her when I see her. I’m not a mixed-message person and she wants to be friends, and that’s what we are, but we’re not close friends because I’ve literally seen her twice. Twice is not for hugging. I will take her up a peak too. I need to get up a few of them in the summer and fall. I miss it. My son’s godmother and I can do those together. She is a good climber and is also a marathoner, so it’s feasible. I’ve known her 34-years.

I start a rec dodgeball league in just over a week. It would be amazing if there are some fit 40ish women on my team or other teams. The Conference is less than a month away and I’m networking like a mad woman there. I also am going to haunt the bars and do anything LGBTQ that the professional association hosts. I have to talk to my son’s Dad about limiting his alcohol intake all week so I can have a piece of mind for those four-days. My son has watched his Dad pass out too many times, and he’s troubled enough as it is without having to watch that. I’m going to have to talk to him in private and that is going to be awkward as fuck, but it has to be done before early February.

I am cheered up. Work has been trying, but I am in a good space. The climbing really helped me out. The walk and then the bike and gym day will too. I should mention also that I’m still practicing my guitar. I feel on track and dumped my hideous mood.

by

Pools

I went to work yesterday and was what has become my emotional and behavioral baseline which is a bit nervous, and altered into worry because she wasn’t there nor was her commuting partner. My work partner is back finally after, honestly, almost dying, so I went to her office for several minutes too.

I should probably tell that story. There is a chance that if I stuff it and don’t write about it that I’ll have weird dreams or parts will come out in conversation.

My son and I went touristy caving in August. It was a long, long drive. I’ve worked with one of my work partners for going on 6-years. She and I have never been super close, but we have a great working relationship. Her Dad got very sick last April and had to go to the Mayo Clinic. He had so many blood clots a the time. She hates driving. I don’t love it and don’t enjoy being in a car, but I’m a good driver. My son and I were having dinner with her in August and she said that she needed to see her Dad but couldn’t drive and my son said, “We’re going there in two-weeks and can take you,” and she was so grateful. The initial leg of our trip was way out of the way and on the way back we asked her to meet us near another highway to reduce time and mileage. It all worked out. However, her Dad died just under two-months later because he actually had fast-progressing cancer.

Then she became suicidal. She drank hard alcohol, didn’t drink water (You HAVE to drink water here because it’s so dry.) and stopped eating. I took her food and also dropped off food for her daughter. She kinda stopped parenting last fall. She came back to work and off leave and went promptly home after a couple of hours. Then she was drunk for our next several phone calls. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum. Go into rehab or I’m dispatching a welfare check. She was hospitalized for 6-days. She’s getting lots of bills. However, she’s alive. In a training that I lead one line that I learned is “I’d rather have you mad at me, than dead at me.” We’re friends now. So weird.

When I went out into the hall I saw the climber–so glad that she was at work–and said, “Happy New Year, _____,” and thought fuck it, so I hugged her close and tight in the hallway. Easy to get away with that stuff under the guise of 2023. So nice. A little later I said that I wanted to show her my tattoo. It is finally finished. It was done later in the month in 2013 and some on the top of my hips hurt like hell, so I never finished it. (That area hurt again too. Ribs are ok, and body fat is not on me.) We went back to my office and then four people were there. Of course they were. I’m going to ask her Monday if I can take her out to dinner for her birthday next Monday and then I can show it to her in my car or something. I just want to make plans for this month. She invited me to a community dance last night, and I just don’t feel confident about that yet. I need to get lessons squared away. She also said that I should do a sing along at her house sometime. I could go for that. I’m getting way better chording on this guitar that I bought.

I led an hour-long training yesterday afternoon for everyone. I couldn’t even look at her. So, she got one of the notebooks that I brought and some colored pencils and drew. She’s so cool. After my training and after our meeting was done, I gave her the unopened bag of Bark Thins and the one that had been opened and asked her take it to her house. I think that she has five roommates in her giant house that she owns. She handed me back the unopened one and I told her please that my son doesn’t need it and needs to lose weight. She thanked me.

I need a new pool. One of my bosses was talking shit to me on Tuesday because he’s been out on all kinds of dates and I have had one in the last two weeks. I said, “Yeah, you swipe,” and he said, “No, I met her on Facebook.” Don’t know how the Facebook dating app is different than swiping, but ok. You’re better at pool and bowling than I am and you win on dating. I just need a big pool.

Goddess of the cyclist/hiker hear me! Where is that pool?

I’m excited for a convention next month. My old friend who moved back to California may come too. She asked me to send her a picture from my wedding via text, and I said, “No way.” Then I realized it was super rude so I texted that I was divorced. She felt so badly that she didn’t know, so she said she’d come next month for the convention. We spoke and she said that she can get funding for the Conference, so we may connect there. I’m excited to network at the convention and maybe have a long distance hiker and biker.

by

Challenger / Protector / Boss

What do I want to work on? Conflicts. I don’t care about them at work. There are some unreasonable consumers that I have for stakeholders, so I just disengage. I guess that is normal for who I am via the Enneagram because when I get stressed out I withdraw and think about my own things which are often pessimistic. The approach reads like a turtle. In the shell, head buried, stay in there, and then when you come out have a strategy. That’s gross. It is the natural stress point though with becoming an investigator when you’re under stress and are a Challenger.

One time in one of my buildings we were all stuck at work late at night because we are public servants and sometimes little makes sense and is a rule or simply bureaucratic. We were reading the Enneagram stuff and when it got to parts about an unhealthy 8, it basically described razing the area and everyone in the path to the ground whilst self-destructing. Hahahahaha.

The photographer said that I don’t seem like an 8, and that’s because I feel most comfortable living in the Giver and Helper, which is the heart of the 8. Like me, the climber is also an 8. I noticed that she only uses one noun to describe it: Protector. The photographer is a 3 and the term Achiever resonates with her. She told me that she is working on not having to accomplish daily.

I need to work on conflict. I am wondering if taking a walk would help the turtle. At that first twinge of disappointment / disagreement just say, “This situation seems to be going in circles. I’m going to take a walk, and come back in an hour. I value you and don’t want to say anything that is solely in anger.” I need to operate from a place of empathy when I come back and acknowledge any harm that I have caused.

Do you fight with lovers who you don’t live with and with whom you make concrete plans and only concentrate on those? I don’t think that you do. We had plans to climb the artificial wall at the Rec Center and those had to halt because we had a late meeting and celebration which ensued after the meeting was over. I didn’t trip out. And she didn’t trip out when I couldn’t find my car that night. She also had to cancel when she got rebound symptoms on 11/11 when we had plans. I didn’t trip out. I texted her that if she’d like we should go to a play, symphony or ballet sometime because I didn’t know how my hair looked straightened since I stop dyeing it, and we should do so and get dressed up together. She thought about it for three-weeks and then asked and we did it! No fight. No conflict. Not that we’re lovers… Yet.

I haven’t spent enough time with the photographer to test my evolving theory. I hope that she can make Tuesday work, because I had to flake out on indoor climbing and dinner plans with my old work husband and his real wife. Now, he’s got to reschedule those. I just have to watch the weather for winter summits. Those can be really impossible in windy conditions.

When the photographer and I got back to the trailhead where I parked on Sunday, I’d asked her if I could take her to lunch and she said that she had a 4 o’clock and that made me really conscious of the time. I think that I got back to her car at 3, so she made it. She said that she would not have any plans after our plans for the next get together. Again, no conflict. I still need to work on my skills with them though.

by

Blue-eyed, Millennial Capricorns

She embraced me too–super mutual embrace.  She remarked that I was obviously good people because I was acquainted with my best friend as is she.  I asked her if she was allergic to dogs and she exclaimed, “No, did you bring pups?!?”  I said that I hadn’t,  but wanted to drive and couldn’t do so if she was allergic due to dog hair in my vehicle.  She hopped in.  I drove west.  And when I turned off to start heading up to the trailhead from the highway I said, “It’s so beautiful up here. I’ve not been up here in a long time,” and she talked about hiking there last weekend.  I turned around and got back on the highway.  She was taken aback and did laugh, but was very surprised.  I actually had intended to head more west, but the road was confusing so we were heading back, so I decided to turn into the road that goes into town and she told me that she’d shot a wedding here.  I said, “I want to hike somewhere new to you!”  She said that she swore that it was right there only and hadn’t been on the back side of the trail.  We found the trailhead with her help and she started talking to me about what she is going through right now with a friend of hers and it is a lot–scary stuff.  That opened the door to my being really open with her.

The photographer talked about her family, she talked about her ex, so I talked about two of mine including my ex-wife.  And she told me where she’d arrived with her friend and care of her.  She’s solid.  She is also very sexy, multilingual, does a daily Yoga practice and dances.  She has her own businesses and has a flexible work schedule.  We talked about her bike too.  I want to ride with her as well.  She told me that she’d never done a high peak and that friends are always saying that they’re going to take her up one.  I’ll have to lend her snow pants and they won’t fit her super great, and we should maybe both rent crampons.  I am reasonably sure that I have two sets of trekking poles, but have to look.  I know the one that we’ll do and have done winter mountaineering one time on a rope team, so I feel confident.  We just have to look for the best high pressure day next week because it can get windy and miserable.  The forecast looks safest in 8-days. 

I talked about my recent shift into believing in polyamory.  I explained a few times that it’s weird to have many friends and one partner.  I talked about how odd it is that one person would believe that she could be all for another.  We talked about my best friend’s desire to be with a woman, and how it freaks out her husband.  I said that they should swing, and then realized that would mean that my best friend would also be providing some intimacy to a man other than her husband and it 1) really grossed me out, and 2) helped me understand that would be incredibly complicated.  It would be easier for them to have a woman that they had an understanding with, but it’s off the table because he’s jealous.  It makes me sad for her. 

She almost fell and noted how quick my reaction time is.  I would have caught her.  Parts of the trail were incredibly icy.  I’m going to have to buy new boots finally because there is a part of them that has no tread at all.  I slipped a couple of times, but it wasn’t anything serious.  We must have hiked almost 8-miles.  I keep my phone in my back pocket, but it lowballs things if I don’t specifically run the app and rely on it to run in the background.  If I run it specifically to track though, it drains my battery.  It tracked us at 5.8-miles.  Regardless, we gained lots of elevation and I was STARVING when I got home. 

It was a great first date.  We embraced again outside her car, and she said, “Nice to meet you,” and I said in her ear, “We’ve met.”  She blushed a little and laughed and said, “Oh, I know.”  She’s much more cautious than the climber.  She’s also almost exactly two-years older than her.  It’s really odd.  The climber’s birthday is one day in the next three-weeks (37), and the photographer’s is three days after that (39).  Incidentally, my best friend’s follows in three-days and my son’s three days after that, but they are Aquarii.  My love interests are blue-eyed Millennial Capricorns.  I like this part of my life.

by

Drinking with the climber: Points of reflection

She had to go to a legal conflict resolution session with her ex yesterday because the person leading it couldn’t meet on Monday. When I got to my event, one of the other professors and her female partner left. It was really awkward. I made a joke about it, and they said it was their one-year anniversary, but it was odd. I told them that I would see them in March because they’re organizing cross country skiing. That’s something that I want to learn how to do, and all the classes that I tried to sign up for at the beginning of the month are now full, so I’m really glad that one of the professors with whom I work has organized a trip. The other professors and I hung out for about an hour and she finally texted that she was on her way! By that time, only the woman who is a mentor to me and did my post-doc for me was there, but I’ve known her years and she was a little lit, so she was being super fun when the climber got there.

She looked so tired. I put my arms around her and hugged her tight, but her energy was really low. She came back to be with us and I said, “I’m getting a beer!” I had drunk water for an-hour-and-a-half because of my baggage / experience. My ex who is dying would be loaded all the time.

I flew to Mexico in 2010 for Thanksgiving and she missed me at the airport and all the resorts there have the same name, so with my Spanish that is high school Spanish, I hailed a cab and drove around. Finally the cab driver said, “Do you think that this one is it?” I sat in the lobby. She hadn’t even bothered to give me her mother’s last name. I used the courtesy computer and emailed her and sat in the lobby for an hour (Does anyone reading this entry remember international roaming and being unable to text?). At that point, a woman who I believed to be her sister, and her nephew, and his girlfriend got off the elevator in swimsuits and towels. I ran toward them and introduced myself. If I remember correctly, they said that my ex was at the pool or in a cabana or something, or maybe she’d gone to the room? My ex did apologize, but she was really tipsy. When I flew into Key West for our last trip ever in September of 2011, I finally found her in a pool at a hotel wherein she’d texted me the name because at least that trip was in country. She was topless swimming in a pool and got out eventually when she saw me.

Don’t drink when your date isn’t there yet. Don’t even order a beer or glass of wine. Read the room, and energy. When she got there she had a Moscow Mule, I believe, and later had an Old Fashioned. I can’t drink hard alcohol, so I had two IPAs. I was definitely tipsy. She can hold alcohol way better than I can. I’ve now made a decision. No more solitary drinking. I have had a beer most nights for many, many years. But, I am done. I’ll have two beers with a friend or on a date when my date is drinking. I also will have beers when I cook for friends. It’s time for me to shift some habits and not mute things that are annoying through drinking when I’m home alone with my son. It’s dissociative. So is watching a movie on my phone. No more alone tactics like these.

My mentor puts everyone at ease and is extroverted, reads well dynamics, and the climber started getting acclimated and livened up a ton. The climber is so charming, funny and easy to talk to. She bantered with my mentor and they discussed grading in a post-COVID environment, living and teaching abroad, and also my mentor told stories from her youth and the climber engaged, was laughing and asking her questions, and was so easy and fun. What a contrast from my ex-wife who was so awkward all the time around my colleagues. She wouldn’t even let me have colleagues over for dinner and when my mentor came over after I turned 40 and had dinner with me, she buzzed around the kitchen. My mentor remarked again on how beautiful my ex-wife was. Although true, I don’t miss having to limit any social interactions and worry that when we were around people–particularly those who are educated–she would sometimes fight with me after they left. She’s not like that with her family, or two of her friends from high school, but isn’t comfortable around many people. I can’t believe that I convinced myself it was normal.

My mentor left around 8:30 or so, and the climber said, “Can I join you?” and snuggled up with me in the booth. I said, “I would love to take you out to dinner.” She said, it was probably around nine, “The hour for fine dining has passed.” I cracked up. I asked her about the conflict resolution and she said that there was some limited headway. I was so glad. We talked about how our vacations were going to shake out. She kissed me and I told her it was my lifetime quota for kissing in public. I said, “Quota is the wrong word. It’s that I’ve kissed you in public more than anyone who I have been with combined.” I said a few phrases in Spanish, and she got all fired up. Spanish just has some precision in phrasing that doesn’t translate well in English, so I use them. Check. Going forward will speak in Spanish for at least part of the night every time we’re connecting.

She ate some sweet potato fries, and I was no longer hungry at all. We talked and talked. She explained her impressions of people and not seeing gender in anyone. She talked about three days with her sister and Mom and Dad for Christmas. She talked about her camping plans. This time, she didn’t ask me about dates that I have (I have only one.) and generally seemed more confident about my not wanting exclusive. I did tell her that when I make plans, I would like to pay. I also told her that I want to go caving with her and do some hiking or climbing in the south. I think that we can do that this summer or spring. She is always game for an adventure.

We kissed, and I put my hands all over her arms and also was touching her left thigh. I always wind up touching the tops of her hands. They’re fascinating. I finally got to palm mine with hers. It’s remarkable because mine are so small for my height and hers are huge for hers. We talked about being the shortest and darkest in our families. She touched my right leg once and said, “You have on corduroys too!” We both like the sensory experience of wearing them and petting them. We talked about doing that when we are sitting or in meetings and love the feel of them. I used the word “basic.” She said that illustrates the only age difference. I guess I get it, but I am WYSIWYG. My son calls girls in white Adidas who have a certain look “basic,” so that must have been what the climber was referencing.

She got tired, hit a wall, and I put on my gear and she walked me out. When I put on my reflection straps and helmet, I felt like a dork. I apologized, and she said, “I’m waiting until you get that put away (my lock) and then I’m getting another kiss.” I remembered her her side comb, and said, “I have something for you.” She said that it was from her wedding. Besides her shoes, it was the only thing that she’d removed after the ballet when I was ultimately in a bra and underwear in my bed. I think that she was younger than me when she married the man who she’d ultimately been with for 17-years of her life. I got married to a man at 23, and was a child. I only have our album, and don’t have the garter or anything from my hair or the jewelry. I’m going to thrift my wedding dress from my second wedding over vacation. The climber talked about liking having something fancy from her wedding and I agreed. She looked so beautiful with her hair fixed last week for the ballet. I like her in a beanie, corduroys, and a down jacket too. I just like her.

by

Exciting reconnection

My best friend is a musician. She is also very, very extroverted. During the height of the first COVID summer my ex-wife and I were in her backyard with another couple drinking and eating cheese and veggies. I had brought a beautiful bottle of Rosé, and it was good, and the bottle and stopper were gorgeous. I was drinking. My ex-wife doesn’t drink at all. Awkward doesn’t scratch the surface. One of the women with whom she’d performed in an amazing canyon the summer before just has dark energy. Her partner sat mostly quietly. My ex-wife wanted to leave when we got there. That wasn’t unique.

My best friend was having a concert this October and it was going to be at the partner’s house. Not sure when the couple broke up. I’ll find out soon. The concert was fairly inexpensive, but the people she’d invited couldn’t afford it, so it was cancelled. My best friend was disappointed because she really wants me to be connected with this woman. Last Wednesday, my best friend had lunch with her and she told her to give her my number. Not sure why my best friend wasn’t down for that, but she sent us a connection email.

Here is what I wrote back to the connection email:

“Hi, ___,

Do you hike or cycle?

Kindly,

______.”

Several days later I got back the cutest email. She doesn’t remember me. When you’re in partnership that’s exclusive and you live together it has an effect on what you see, connect to, and are open with in terms of others. I sent her a picture of a glass wine stopper because she had complimented the bottle two-years ago–my God, it will be three in July, and now that I’m thinking about it, I think that bottle is in my son’s room with a plant in it, but I wanted her to have a visual of something she’d said to me then. She had given me her number in the cute email, so we’ve exchanged lots of texts Monday through yesterday. I wasn’t heavily flirtatious or anything, but we’d just made plans so I wanted to her to have the knowledge that we did indeed meet almost three years ago so I sent that picture.

She had said in her email that she’d like to get a drink/coffee/hike/bike. I made hiking plans with her for Sunday. I actually can’t wait! She’s really cute. Reddish, blondish hair, large blue eyes. I can’t remember, but I do think she’s taller than me which is my historical norm. I want: great conversation, and two hugs. I want the last hug to be tighter and closer. Of course, I’ll get what I want and that’s exercise. I need a woman with whom I can hike and bike who I think is attractive. I don’t necessarily need to be taught something from a woman such as climbing or dancing, because it creates a power differential, which I don’t think is super healthy with someone who you kiss.

The climber is all stressed out. When I see her on Thursday at the tail end of my work party, I’m just going to give her a hug and read her energy. She had to make an appointment for Thursday and I thought that it was going to be Monday, but the person helping her with legal navigation with her ex wasn’t available on Monday. I don’t have any expectations for Thursday and have loved our last four times together with the exception of her worrying that I want to be her girlfriend after the ballet. I don’t want a girlfriend/partner.

I tell everyone the same thing. I don’t want to live with anyone, I don’t want a marriage, and I never want financial entanglements. I don’t have the energy that is required in exclusive love relationships. I also have come to a decision that like your friends, you can have girlfriends that you like to do different things with: go to dog parks, potlucks, adventures, dress-up dates, hikes, etc. I really don’t even have enough experience yet to know all the possibilities. I will tell you that after I broke up with my ex who is likely dying that I went straight into another partnership and was convinced of a “one.” That is nauseating bullshit. I’m not everything for anyone and why would there be for me?

I’m not afraid of commitment. I could be with two or three different women and those could be the ones who I see. I do think that when sex occurs that I’ll go back to therapy. The climber was super relieved that I’ve had a date since she belayed me and that I had asked out another woman who said life was hectic right now. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but I don’t want to talk about other women with women and she said that she wants to hear that stuff. I won’t give details unless I’m asked though, because I don’t want repeats of what I had in 2010 listening to a woman bitch about another woman she is intimate with, because that doesn’t work for me. Again, when things progress physically, I will get a new therapist.

by

Seasonal Anger

I process so slowly. It takes me forever to understand 1) impact and 2) what has truly gone on. I had met my ex-wife through a friend. Saying that I was obsessed with her by looking at her profile is more accurate, actually.

I spent about 18-months being stoned. I had a ton of issues turning 30, so I told a friend that I needed to get high. He said, “You won’t get high the first time that you smoke.” So, I told him that I was starting tonight–at 29, and I did. I got high with my Dad at my 30th birthday party, and it was the first time that I got stoned; although, I’d smoked probably a dozen times. Then, I didn’t do it much any longer.

When I was about 34, I was high for 18-months after I got home from work, and my son with his Dad. Then I had a terrible incident at a conference and didn’t smoke again. In this incident, I took one hit too many and had to crawl into one of the bathtubs. When the dominoes would hit the table in the front of the condo where we were staying, I felt like they were hitting me. I was awful. I don’t smoke or use. It’s legal now, as are some psychedelics. At times, I drink a lot of beer, and I do like Red Zin, but I don’t do any drugs–pot because of paranoia, and mushrooms because there is something that triggers my risk averse nature when I ponder that currently. Right place, right time, maybe.

Anyway, I saw a picture of my ex-wife while I was stoned. While high, I was with my friend whose sister with whom I’d gone to high school. We would open up Facebook and take turns logging in. The game is “Gay or Straight?” You play it stoned. She scrolled through my ex-wife’s profile.

“Straight.”

“Nope.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Her? This picture? Nice, hot. Are you fucking with me?”

“I am not.”

“When do I meet her?”

“You don’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“She has stayed where we went to college. She has a whole community. She won’t ever leave the Northwest.”

“When does she visit?”

“Rarely. It’s been years. Honestly, no one hears from her much. We were high school best friends and college roommates.”

“I don’t care. When she does visit, I’ll meet her. We’ll date.”

*sigh / eye rolls / puff*

2012 – 37-years-old

She’s laying on a couch in a sun dress and gets up to meet me at her other best friend’s house. She had moved home five-months earlier. She smiles, sits up, walks toward me and shakes my hand. Beautiful: red hair, subtle make-up (it’s afternoon) and gray-blue eyes. I leave after an hour having gotten kicked out before ensuring that my friend will be able to get a ride back to her apartment because I drove.

We maintain an awkward friendship. She has a girlfriend. She always has a girlfriend. We eat some meals together, play cards, hang out with her girlfriend, and other times her mother and her mother’s boyfriend. She eats quiche at my house; she plays with my son. I hug hello and goodbye and keep my abdomen away from hers for a friendly hug, but I still embrace her tightly. Sometimes, I blush and other times my heart races a little, but with a girl like her, you don’t do anything weird. They break up and she dates, and I start dating the artist.

Right before I meet the artist, I go to my ex-mother-in-law’s house and have dinner there, and my ex-wife is crying because she is getting back with a woman who is polyamorous, in love with her ex, and likes to go to clubs to pick up multiple women, and gets upset that my ex-wife isn’t down for sex with women that they pick up and don’t know. She is crying and crying. I eat my salad, give her a hug, say goodbye to her mother and her mother’s boyfriend. The next weekend, I go to a wedding in a khaki skort, tank top that is at least embroidered, and black sandals with a heel. My friend says, “Why are you dressed casual?” This incredibly attractive brown haired woman with hazel eyes is kinda leering around my friend and I and she says, “Introduce me.” I hear it. My friend does. Later in the night, I hear my friend (she’s from Brooklyn) say “Don’t you think that I would have told you that I started dating a woman?!?!?!?” So, the artist pulls me out to dance and dances with me and on me. She can’t lead though, so it’s pretty awkward. She and I date for a couple of months, but don’t have sex. She is imbalanced and has pretty significant mental illness; although, she is gorgeous. She painted two pictures for me for my 39th birthday and they hang in my bathroom. Now, she lives in the mountains and is a mayor.

I start emailing with my ex-wife. We make plans over the course of a week and half through email. We were making dinner in her apartment that she called the treehouse. It had a separate entrance and was a large loft type of residence attached to a large house west of our city. We cook and we make out for two-hours. I go home soaring with emotion and arousal. I don’t want to have sex with her. I want to date her.

She has other plans. She wants to come down in two-days and do just what I think is too soon. I buckle. It was really good. She moves in with me three-months after that. We marry 7-months later. We never learn to resolve conflict. We knew each other ten-years, we were together for nine, and married for eight. I am pissed.

I’m angry about all the time that she would tell me that I get remote and blame me for absolutely everything in terms of our conflict. I talked to my best friend on Friday night and she said, “You worked and worked and worked on that–tirelessly. I think that you did absolutely everything that you could.” Even if that’s not true, I don’t miss all the imbalance. Move in with your Mom, move in with your sister, buy another residence, adopt more pets. Have 17 different jobs over the course of 10-years. Talk about conflicts at work over and over and over, freeze out your sister, fly home suddenly after “not feeling supported by” your Mom.

This June, I loved it when she finally moved out for good and we had a real fight. Not one in which I get quiet–I’m terrified by my temper–but one in which I told her how bizarre it was that she brought a man into our house (She has her own residence, but has a tenant.) and watched movies with him in the spare bedroom. “He didn’t touch your things.” “What? It’s my house!” “It’s mine too!” She never contributed to this mortgage, and has had her own since October of 2020; however, she made us refi together in 2014 which reduced the interest rate on this house and took 2-years off the mortgage. My ex-wife is really good with money and has good math and business sense. She could not see how disrespectful it was to have a date where my son and I sleep, and that I pay for, instead of going to coffee, a movie or a park with a man you met on the Internet. Talk about not seeing your part! That gelled it for me. I’ll never speak to her again. And, I am angry. Probably hurt too, and wonder if she ever truly loved me or if she was just doing what she knew her mother wanted her to, and liked the first couple years of really hot sex.

  1. I like a little bit of danger
  2. I like women who are more social than I am
  3. I want to have consistency
  4. I want to make a plan, and stick to that plan
  5. I want contact with a purpose
  6. In conflict, I want to take a break, come back and be accountable for things that I can change
  7. I want to grow
  8. I want to see what it’s like to be in love with at least two people concurrently
by

The Ballet with the Climber

She came into my house having been running a few minutes late. After a bit, we embraced, and I can’t tell you how great that it felt for me to have her arms around me again. She titled her head and kissed me. We kissed. She had on sparkly heels, ear rings, a matching necklace and a tight purple dress. I just can’t get over her body. And when she wears a dress that’s fitted at the waist it’s a singular experience to be able to walk behind her and watch her glide.

I had jacked myself all up with nerves given the long period in between when we’d seen and touched each other. I was so nervous, a little jumpy, and then after we were on the train having taken my car to the Park N Ride, I relaxed and eased in. She had told me that she was curious about my nerves. I told her that I process slow. It’s true. I retold her and with all the detail when I watched her climb, fix leads, and rappel and she belayed me up 20-feet. She said is that when your son said that “You’re a Rock Star? That’s good. A Rock Star. I think it’s a compliment.” After some laughter and cuddling, I was back to that ease that I have with her.

We were off to the side but only about 12 rows back in the Orchestra. It’s some of the best seats that I’ve ever had. We touched and held each other. Because she has her own dance company and teaches, it was consuming to watch it with her. I’ve seen it probably 8-times actually, but I got so much out of it not only given our seats, but watching detail given my picking up on her energy when we touched or followed the same gaze toward the stage.

After intermission, she kissed me in my seat. She said, “Is that ok here?” It had turned me on a little bit, so I said, “Yes, of course.” She kissed me again. When the lights dimmed for the second act, I kissed her. We settled back in to watch it. The performance was great.

A brass band was playing outside and we swayed together a little and then after 5 songs she took me to the busy sidewalk and danced with me. I told her that it wasn’t our gazebo. Her boldness combined with sensuality gets me whole body and mind. We walked back to the train and kissed. She asked me again and I told her that I’ve had partners who wouldn’t even hold my hand. I think that my ex who is dying would kiss me occasionally, but it was when she was really drunk, so I hated it because it was embarrassing. My ex wife would hold my hand only every once in awhile and then would get worried that people were looking at us. The climber could care less.

We snuggled and talked on the train. I asked her if this was a date, and she said, “I think that this is actually a date.” When we got up to the surface parking she thanked me for suggesting the train and said it was great to talk and cuddle. I opened her door for her and shut it gently and said, “I’m closing your door because this IS a date.” When I got into my garage, I said, “Can you please come in?” and I slowly unbuttoned her wool overcoat and hung it in my hall closet. We got into my bed and she gave me a lot of shit for the decorative pillows. I don’t like taking all that stuff off and on either and can’t wait to get new bedding actually. We made out and I said, “I don’t care that you have on a dress, but I’m taking mine off because it’s uncomfortable.” Hers clung to her body and was fitted at the waist. Mine was sleeveless and a straight cut with a high collar and back, and was too constricting. She told me that she hadn’t packed for her weekend and we couldn’t do 3:30 again, and I agreed. We made out and she told me that I have the softest skin.

I think that she’s worried that I want something from her that she doesn’t want to give. I told her definitively that I don’t want to remarry and I don’t want to live with anyone. I told her, “_____, I don’t expect something exclusive. There’s something so immediate about being with you, and I’m so cautious and careful (Frankly, I can be risk aversive, but I didn’t say that.) that it’s so good for me to do things with you that I would never do normally as you open up possibilities for me.” There is this tenderness with us too wherein we lay so quietly and touch or just gently hold each other. I think that she calls this quality “sweet,” and it is. I just want to see her monthly when I can, and I want us to concentrate on those plans that we have. And when it works, I want more plans.

I’m still going to prowl. I will probably go back to the group with the neuroscientist who shot me down and the other woman who went to the dog park with me before she had a health thing. I’m not swiping. I want to meet women organically and connect when it makes sense. Until my next adventure, I’ll have my intrusive thoughts about the climber.

by

Swallow them

Do you have to swallow your words? I do. I think–use fewer going forward.

I wrote this on August 12, 2008: So, I went to a new bar tonight and sang a couple of my old favorites.  It was fun, but the hotties there were jailbait.  I don’t want to be 10-years older than someone who I am dating.  That is frightening!  When the hell did I get so old?  Seriously, who do I have to punish?  Glad that one class is done and all work is accounted for–so now it’s onto finishing up my last two papers for the other course.  Goodnight.

Uh oh. What about when you’re trying to start dating someone 11-years, three-months and 28-days younger than you. She’s so not jailbait. She is a dancer, an artist, a climber, kindhearted, charming, sensual, open, funny, bold, and sexy. I don’t care about age.

I think of Harrison Ford for me anyway: “It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.” I have to get surgery next week to cut out the prickly pear cactus quill from my palm. Fucker. I should have let her take all of the quills out on October 6th! I got one out of my thumb and another out of my heart line of my palm, but this thing is tenacious. When she was taking them out, I pulled away. I pulled away later in my house when she had her arm around my waist too, and it took until she pressed the length of her thigh against mine on my loveseat for me to deal. Probably because I had two glasses of Red Zin too. Why do I have to keep telling myself that she came onto me first? Turns out that I kissed her first though. I had to ask. I wasn’t actually sure on the 30th of October so I asked her when she was laying on my chest in between kissing. I knew I’d kissed her neck, but didn’t know who made the first move with our lips.

Back to the quill: it’s below the forefinger on my palm. I guess that is the mount of Jupiter. It says on the proverbial Internet that that area of your hand is associated with power. I feel so relaxed around her when it’s just us. I can just be. I’ve told her things that I keep so private and it just rolls out. I’m cautious, so that’s weird. I just trust her. The quill disarmed my power. Hahahahaha.

I am so excited for the ballet. I called her last night and she had stressful things going on, so we couldn’t talk and I liked hearing her voicemail. We texted a little today. Oddly, we are both communicating with lawyers. She is dealing with her house, and I am beginning the slow process of my parents’ estate. I need to eat some food, and go to bed. I have an incredibly long day tomorrow and today my mother has been gone one year. 😦

by

Waiting or Dying

I am not sure why it’s fucking me up so bad that my ex is dying or simply awaiting a transplant, but it is. (I averaged 111 bowling today. I can’t live with myself.) I am reading through our relationship. Cliff notes: meet in a bar, have a fun summer, the main other girl she’s fucking says that they have to be girlfriends, I don’t need friends, I bounce, she texts me around the New Year of ’10, we have a romantic rekindling that wasn’t just sex, and then by the end of the month she eventually starts seeing her previous girlfriend and I concurrently again, I start to actually have feelings, and then she moves to the southeast. Here was that bullshit with circumstances that I don’t ever want to repeat:

She came over Wednesday night, but I had seen her every night the previous weekend, and none of the days were all that good–some were plain awful.  The only night that we actually had plans were Friday, and she had tried to cancel those.  Saturday, I ran into her by chance–if you are one who believes in coincidences, which I don’t–and she invited me out for a drink on Sunday afternoon.

Anyway, a friend of mine had an extra to a concert Saturday because her cousin couldn’t get a sitter. She and I had a date the night before, which she had tried to cancel late Monday night under the guise of having seen me once by chance, and when I should point out that she flatly refused to go home with me or let me caravan to her place for a few only to wind up texting me.  I know that I wrote about that.  She had also seen me for her birthday, because she wanted to spend her birthday with me. I’m not into trade-ins.  EG. “I’ve seen you, so we don’t have to follow through on plans we’ve had for six-weeks.”  I would let her out of them. She wouldn’t text back, so I told my BFF from out-of-state if she let them fall through, I wouldn’t make plans with her again.  My BFF said, “It will be really good for you when she is finally gone.”  She’s right–it’s toxic.

Not wanting to make friction, I texted her that I was going to be at the concert because a friend of mine, who she met the night that she refused to go home with me (Again, only to text me, “You can’t come over?” a couple of hours later.), as she had a extra ticket. I knew that she’d be there with the other girl from summer.  This was the one with whom she’d ended her relationship with so that she could sleep with me again.  I did not contact her for four months, and she texted me when the New Year began.  You’ll maybe remember that when we reconnected, she moved my hair off my neck and whispered in my ear, “I’ve missed you so much.  I never stopped thinking about you for four months.”   All of that may be true, but she gets something out of companionship with this girl too.  And it is weird to me, because she describes her as “selfish, a non-reciprocator, a bad kisser, and a bitch.” WTF, does she say about me, and to her possibly?  I’ll get to that too.

Friday had good and bad parts last weekend.  I liked it when she held me in the restaurant.  I liked it when she acknowledged how consistent I am and that hold her to her word.  Sex sucked.  If she wants us to be FBs sex should be phenomenal.  (It was on Wednesday night, and I’ll get to that too.)  I knew that it sucked because she was pissed that I told her that she needed to follow through on our plans, and I also knew that she’d be with the other woman at the concert.  Her energy changes when she sees her, and it is not for the better.

Saturday I texted her that I would be at the concert.  Then, of course, our tickets were a mere 10 rows and 3 seats apart.  She was above me with her ex-girlfriend that she has been sleeping with again since the end of January.  I knew that I’d see her; although, she said that we would “have to plan it.”  It’s good that she thinks that she has psychic abilities, but I just knew that our seats were too close together. Walking up the enormous flights of stairs, I saw her at one of the cabanas in line for a drink, so I hit her shoulder and walked on.  We were texting back and forth, and she had her phone out.  She had the audacity to say, “You should go. It is going to be awesome.”  I texted her, “I’m not worried.”  Which I was not, but that didn’t change just because I knew that I would see her and didn’t want any drama.  That’s not me.  So, a few more texts were exchanged and I said, “BTW, that was me who hit you.”  And she said, “I know, but you move fast.”  I said, “Are you not glad?  I’m not into drama and am sure that you’d like to avoid it too.”

Then there she was.  I was in line with my buddy and some of her friends, and there was my girl.  She hugged us both.  Then in a bit, my very good friends (They are partners of five-years.) were there too. She knows one of them personally because one night in January, she invited us both over for a drink.  Which later freaked her out.  That girl’s partner was looking at my girl like, “Who the fuck are you?”  Her partner saw it and said, “_____ , this is _______ !”  And then she regained her composure.  In fact, I was impressed with her, because my girl has not asked if she liked her.  She doesn’t.  She told me, “Not what I expected.  She is skinny and butch.”  Oh well.  She’s not my girlfriend anyway.  Fine we all met.  Let’s be on our ways.  Nope.

I got back in line with my friend.  My girl went to the of the line.  I said, “Come up here.” And when I finally got her to, I said, “Give me your ID.”  She got all weird and started handing me a $20.  I told her to put her money away, and she refused a bit, and then said, “Well, just get a well drink then.”  I told her that was bullshit and I could get her Grey Goose.  Weirdo.  It gets weirder. She touched my ass!  If she pulled that shit with me with the other girl when we were out on a date, I’d probably not talk to her again.  My buddy and I went to a table, and then she joined us.  We talked together, and drank.  Then the next act had been playing for some time and my friend mentioned it.  She said that she was going back in, and my girl said that she wanted to see this guy too.  Then she actually caressed my ass!  Wow!  She gave me hug and went back to her seat.  After she had stopped texting me, I thought, “You are a fucking chump! She is up there talking shit about you with the other girl, just like she does about her with you.”

So, on Sunday when she invited me out for a drink on a patio, I was lucky enough for my son’s Dad to say, “Yes” to coming over to babysit. I walked across a busy street in a tank, Birks, and jeans, and a guy in a Range Rover waved me across. I couldn’t see her; although, she said that she had a table outside.  I went in, and came out to the patio and kept looking and couldn’t see her, and was starting to get really pissed. Finally, I saw her, and she didn’t stand up or give me a hug.  Steve McQueen.  Fuck You. Talking, talking, talking.  “I liked the way that you stopped traffic.”  I said, “No, he was just cool, and waved me across. In a cocktail dress and heels maybe.”  The latter is true.  That is when straight guys typically get very aggressive and won’t leave me alone. More talking, and talking, and bullshit small talk.  I was furious by then.

Finally, I get my chance, “So, do you talk shit about me to ________ ? Do you tell her that I’m selfish and a bitch?”  I told her everything that was on my mind Saturday and she was furious.  I was so lucky that we were in a public place.  I’ll get to that too. After awhile she convinced me that the other girl doesn’t even know my name, and that she doesn’t think that I’m a bitch, etc.  I’m not.  But, I don’t want to be sleeping with someone who talks shit about me either.  After a lot of heated discussion, we agreed to let it go–forever.  I told her that I believed that she doesn’t talk about me negatively to her, and she said that she believed that I believed her at her word.  We hugged.  I gave her a kiss and we parted.

She sent me a text an hour and a half later which said, “I didn’t realize that you had your son back and it would be work to come meet me. Thanks for doing so.”  I didn’t respond and talked to my BFF out of state, and said, “Right now, I’m done.  I don’t care if I see her this week.”  She reiterated that she just needs to move, and I need to move on.

I did see her Wednesday, and it was obvious that she had not let it go. She actually went off on me. She accused me of taking out my anger on her, not trusting her, and told me that I don’t mean shit to her and that I expect something long-term.  Nah, her shit, and I’m not going to take it on.  So, she upped the ante and started to leave.  That did upset me for a variety of reasons.  One, I wanted some good intimacy, two, I had done nothing wrong, and three, she drank an entire bottle of wine. She said that my being upset was because I have “expectations” of her now and this is not what she wants or why we are together.  I got her calmed down, and told her, “Let’s just have fun then.”

When she finally was better, and had yelled at me enough, and also looked at me like she hated me enough, we finally undressed. She started apologizing.  I said, “Let’s not do that again.”  She said a bit later, “Thanks for putting up with me.”  Then she blamed it on PMS.  It was more than that though, because I called her on her bullshit, the moon was full, and she wants to call all the shots. O.K., I’m cool with that, but be consistent.  It was the best sex that we’ve had since August.  It’s called make-up sex, is it not?  I think that I want that to be my last memory of her here in this state.

Again, I am a list maker:

  1. Don’t fuck someone and ask or listen to other stories about who they are fucking too
  2. Don’t drink heavily with someone who you’re fucking; if that woman gets one drink over the line, go home no matter what
  3. Make very concrete plans with someone before you go to the date and keep those plans consistent
  4. If someone you’re on a date who starts getting angry, have a line. The line could be, “This isn’t fun or easy right now. Let’s stop hanging out until it can be fun and easy again.”
  5. Don’t have another date with some woman who is angry, pissy, or raises her voice.
  6. Don’t think or dwell on what any woman you’re dating is doing when you’re not seeing her or have plans with her
  7. Avoid messes. Be honest.
  8. If a woman who you’re dating tells you that she’s going exclusive with someone else, delete her number and block her after saying your parting words.
by

Poor Life Choices

I’m facing the postscript music of too many beers and a large shot of Patron Silver this morning. Danced and sang. There was one really pretty girl in the bar who seemed to be having a first date that was going well. My friend did a duet with a really tall dark haired pretty girl which was fun to watch, and that girl took my friend’s number but lives elsewhere and is going through a divorce.

Something that I find cool about karaoke in general is that folks who are not striking have the most captivating voices. Every night you go, there is true talent. I bought a girl a shot. She was AMAZING. I just drank too much and feel like shit today. No drinks for T Day and none for a week to give my body a break. I usually crack a beer when I cook, but can’t stomach that idea at all.

I just have to bring beer and make brussels sprouts for my cousin’s shindig today, so it’s a low lift for me. Last year was my Mom’s last holiday. I did my usual cook up a storm for the family and brought food to the receptionist at the Nursing Home. I also made a big plate for the driver for my Mom from the Nursing Home to my house. Life had a rhythm that has changed since my parents died. Last Thanksgiving we sang, played piano, guitar and drummed and my Mom was lucid and happy. There are lots of pictures. I’ve sent the picture of her sister, her in her wheelchair with me and my son to lots of people. I’m glad that my ex wife had discharged from a crisis unit the day before Thanksgiving last year and took that shot and many other pictures. My Mom died at 2 am six-days after Thanksgiving.

Last night, the bar owner belted “The Story,” which was apropos because my son and I had just listened to “Bear Creek” on Tuesday together. I played a few other songs too. I just realized why I got so sullen listening to “The Eye” by Brandi Carlile. It’s because my ex wife was just a year ago completely suicidal and barely discharged for Thanksgiving. Terrifying. I miss things for sure, but not much over the last three years. I can look at pictures of us now wherein we’d always place our heads together in the same position for a pic at a trailhead, on a mountain, on a beach, in a forest, park or in some urban setting outside walking around. I can look at those easily. We had some really good times. Caring for someone with significant mental illness is so trying and drowns out those other good memories if you don’t explore them. Like the picture of my Mom last Thanksgiving, I’m glad that I have pictures of my ex-wife and I enjoying life in moments in time outdoors.

Even with lots of water last night and early morning, I am really dehydrated. I’m almost done with my coffee and nowhere near my normal pee quota. On Mondays, because we’re squished right now at work while a program relocates next fall, I have to interrupt other people working, teaching, presenting, and meeting because I have to pee out coffee and cross over other rooms to get to the bathroom. Sucks. Right now, I am obviously just absorbing the liquid. Time to shower, do a full body weights routine and drink as many glasses of whey that I can. Later, I’ll nest a couple of eggs and oven two Trader Joe’s hash browns, and if that doesn’t cure the hangover, I hope turkey and fixings does.

by

Prowl

I cut off a ton of hair. I’m going to leave it round brushed today only, and then will leave it wavy except when I straighten it like the hairdresser did. Before mine turned gray, it was really curly. And it’s always been thick. The texture has changed so much that it’s kinda wavy now. The new look involves a significant and drastic a line, pretty short and the back is tapered and a little shaved. Next time, I’m shaving it really close at the bottom and tapering it more in the back. I think that the hairdresser started more subtle because it was a significant change. I’ve had an a line since August and had cut it much shorter than the way that I wore it when my ex-wife trimmed and cut it for me, but this cut is new and very short. I have magenta highlights too so the look is darker now and less gray. Tonight a friend of mine and I are going to prowl.

She used to be really hot. She still has beautiful eyes, but she is really out of shape. It’s ok though because if we got physical our 20-year friendship would be ruined. She’s bi and just got rid of her man who she affectionately calls Biscuit. She said that he doesn’t even ask her about her day. He’s 17-years younger than her, which made me feel good about my 11-year and some change age difference with my current semi-love interest.

I want to get some phone numbers tonight. That’s the goal. I want to start going out on a date every Thursday night and a weekend night when I can.

I have never done that–gone on lots and lots of dates.

I have picked up a girl at the bar because I wanted to get laid. That’s chronicled in another blog. It went like this, “If she’s tall, hot and has light eyes, she’s going home with me.”

“Good luck with that!”

Walk in. Three-minutes later meet her gaze, we both smile, and I wink at my friend who said it wouldn’t happen.

Talk to her all night. Had a snatch blocker and didn’t sweat it, because she said, “Can I legitimately get your number?”

I took her to the train station and we made out and then I said, “Do you have to go home?’

“I can do something else.”

“Like come home with me?”

The next day I took her to another train station and she said, “You have my number.”

“Pshaw, you have mine!”

She texted a week and a half later, “Do you like wine?”

Again, white wine is gross, but we carried on through September. I choked down Chardonnay. Then one of the other girls who she was sleeping with made her go exclusive. She said that we should be friends. I said that I have enough friends.

She texted me NYE and said that her situation changed. I saw her on January 1st or 2nd and she told me how much she’d missed me. I bookended with her and the other woman until she moved and then we did distance for almost 2-years. She is either dying now or waiting for a transplant. She was a fucking scary drunk. Black out. Start bar fights. Was physical with me once and I broke up with her two-weeks after I flew home. I overpowered her so she only left a little bruise on the base of my neck. She is a completely different person when she is tipsy. When she is drunk, she’s terrifying. Now, she may die.

I’m reading, “Opening Up” by Pennebaker (1990). It was written in what was termed “The Decade of the Brain.” Now with current research and understanding of neurosequential processing, it’s more of a read into healthy emotional expression done through quasi-experimental designs, but it’s qualitative, and I love Brown’s work, so I’m enjoying this book and it’s an easy read. Promise this isn’t a non sequitur given that the chapter that I read yesterday when waiting for my hair appointment was called, “Inhibition as a Health Threat.” Writing about what I learned through difficult relationships and also letting down my guard is healthy.

Yep. So, it’s not if she’s tall, has light eyes and hot that she’s going home with me, but it is that if she fits that description we’re going to chat. I would love a number. I would love several. I would like a date a week from tomorrow too!

by

Timeline

This entry represents how much I’ve shifted with desire in relationships. After much reading and much discussion in groups, I realize that I don’t ever want to break up with anyone again. I want to do my very best to communicate directly and negotiate adding and reducing relationship factors. An example is adding emotional intimacy and subtracting financial arrangements. I know that I won’t marry or cohabit ever again.

2012

I want to focus on what I want and what I’m looking for, but will start with a preface that it doesn’t mean that it’s not in my current relationship.  We are just new…  Eight-days shy of 7-months and both equally independent and busy.  I’d rather reflect on I want and as everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus. So, at least for today, I will blog about what I value.

  • That’s stupid.  Be what you want.  You’ll attract people who you want to spend time with, and don’t count dates.  There could be shitty dates and exciting dates.  I’m glad that I’ve not seen or heard from the CEO in YEARS.  Who cares that I spent 7-months exclusively dating her?  Shame on me for trying to force a long-term relationship with someone so mean.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  I also like the noise water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up. Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy. Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

  • Yep, those things are still very, very good.  I have gaiters now too and know how to self-arrest with an ice axe, so I should bundle up and go soon.  Not solo though.  That’s stupid.  Love is expansive.  I love lots of people.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations. Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

  • Still love to cook.  Don’t have the need for a large dinner party, but my birthday party when I turned 48 was fun with my neighbors, my old work husband and his wife and my son.  I do need to practice guitar.  Teenagers don’t do anything.  At least he is dating a cheerleader now, so maybe he’ll dance again.  Been thinking about taking some dance lessons, actually.  I continue to have a thing for dancers and athletes.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubbing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that unfold and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are some things that I also value.

  • I can add to that walking on the beach and getting frisky.  That was fun too.  I went all over Mount Desert Island in June on a rented bike and it was phenomenal.  Gonna do that next June around the whole rim at Crater Lake, and I want to boat to Wizard Island.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, trails or on a singletrack. I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.

  • I bike to work everyday except for Mondays.  I have to drive on Mondays.  I have a police bike now and a road bike.  I donated that POS.  I LOVE cycling. I just bought my own mountain bike and want to get good at non-technical hill riding.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

  • Still have fortuitous circumstances unfold in the dark. The climber held me on a climber under moonlight when I told her that my ex-partner is either dying or waiting for a transplant and that my son and I will have to motor to NC at some point because of that.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

  • I don’t want any more children.  I hope that my son will be ok when he’s 25.  I drug test him weekly–it was hot today–and he gets a flip phone going as soon as the GPS that he has to carry that I’ll be subscribing to as a service is here and working.  Children are an active or psychic burden until they have a working brain.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful.  When I imagine this partner, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did. She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near Clear Creek in Buena Vista and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets. She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.  That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team.

  • I don’t want a partner.  I don’t want financial entanglements.  I am a complete sucker for green, hazel and blue eyes.  I love to laugh and will look forward to some fun sex when the time is right.  I don’t want to raise my son with anyone.  I want him to stabilize and get his act together.  My parents were not a concerted team, and I can’t think of an example of that with any of my friends.  I’m lucky that mine will be out of the house in July of 2024.  Then I can re-read this entry and see what’s shifted.  Love of parts of Colorado will never shift.
by

Keeping some of it

I love having access to 14-years of my writing. Yay. I read about that orgy that a friend of mine hosted at my house. What a sentence. Wow. I was 34 maybe? She was pretty butch and had weird style. I can’t remember what state she was from–no one is from here–although I remember that she was a software engineer. She was smart, but not attractive. She wore an Indiana Jones Panama hat to my party that altered into an orgy because she also brought a bull whip. Her breasts were gorgeous though. Like a magazine. I’m a whole package person though and don’t like chunky, beefy, fat or out of shape for a hook-up or gf.

I wouldn’t want an orgy at my house anymore.

Also, I don’t think that I’m poly to the degree wherein if I was sleeping with one woman, I would be able to easily watch her kiss other women or men at a party. I think that when I was in college, cast parties would begin with body shots and then become group sex. I left with my college gf before that stage of the morning, but I’m almost positive that is what that crew engaged in. I actually think it’s about management.

Hahahaha. Seriously, I tend to have trouble talking in a group unless I’m facilitating group counseling. I like depth in conversation and need to tease more information out and it’s less deep when you’re navigating group contributions to conversation.

I HATE group lunches, baby or bridal showers, etc. Group sex would be that way too. Difficult to include everyone. Ha. Honestly, it’s like a connection and focus thing for me. Not that I don’t think that would be a good thing for other people though.

I slept in my bed with the software engineer after the orgy. I know that we cuddled a bit. I wore pjs and she was nude. I made it clear that I didn’t want any sex. I had kissed her breasts during the orgy and she referenced it and I said, “You have perfect breasts, and I still don’t want to have sex with you.” End of story. I think now that it would be difficult for me to sleep with someone actually. Since my son has revved up terrible / dangerous behavior, I am a light sleeper. I used to sleep like a rock. Also, my ex wife was a hideous sleeper–nightmares, waking nightmares, insomnia, bouts of manic episodes with needing to cut or dye her hair for hours in the middle of night or early morning–so I’m sure that has effected my sleep rhythms also. I don’t know what time I’d have to go to bed to be able to sleep a 6-hour stretch next to a woman and worry that I’d wake up at 5 or 6 anyway. I’ve simply worked too many years now. I wake up in the morning.

So, I want to keep dating. I don’t want to do wild group things that involve intimacy. I don’t want a relationship that is exclusive.

The sex thing. If you’re disconnected from someone who you used to be in love with, it takes a toll.

For example, my ex-wife would offer to top. Randomly too. Like use the bathroom in our bedroom right before I was turning in because I work (She stopped working.) and then leave for the spare room making her exit with a quick offer.

I was always like, “WTF?” I like to talk and connect and then have sex.

Some conversation has always been something that I require even when I’ve done lesbian one night stands. Do you know what those are?

You bring someone home from the bar, or you have a girl that you met on the Internet come to your house and share a bed and you have some sex. Sometimes several hours. So, you do that again once or twice.

I talked first with those girls. At least a little.

My previous partner who is incidentally dying or waiting for a transplant would sometimes come over while I was cooking, open a bottle of Chardonnay (Scratch that off the list for anything that I would keep. Fucking gross. Who the fuck actually drinks white wine by choice?), give me a kiss and then say, “Want some dessert and then we can eat dinner?” That was cute, and we still talked. With sex, I’ll need some kind of interaction connection to be frisky.

I love lists:

  1. Nothing that I find voyeuristic or is group oriented for intimacy
  2. Fit women who take care of their bodies
  3. Work on my sleep hygiene
  4. Date lots of women
  5. Connect and then have sex
  6. Never stoop to drinking any white wine

by

It’s 4 am I must be processing

I woke up incredibly early today. I just got my emails for students who I supervise done–it’s 21 of them–and also wrote a few to my students in a class that I always teach every fall whom I won’t see again after the end of the month. I’ll miss this group. They’re cool. The other 21 will be around until the end of April, and then I have some time off from teaching and supervision. In terms of the latter, I don’t know when that will happen again.

My Mom died a year ago in two-weeks. Heavy as shit. It marked the end of my family of origin. I had lost my brother as an adolescent and that still is complete shit. Yesterday, I had group therapy and talked about my Mom.

My Dad died of COVID in April of 2020 and it was a blessing with the exception of the impact that its had on my son. I had a complicated relationship with my Dad until I did 5-years of analysis and then I tabled all my stuff, didn’t let it effect our interactions, and when he was being intense or strange, I just noted it, sometimes wrote about it (here), and other times said, “I’m heading out.” He sometimes would apologize after I left. I visited him every week alongside my mother when he finally moved out and into the same facility where my Mom was for 3-years, but he didn’t last because he wanted to die. Literally. He asked his doctor to kill him actually. Although we’re a right to death state, it’s not that simple, and you have to be terminal. He had dementia and significant impacts to his working memory so he couldn’t read anymore. He couldn’t even spit anymore. I tried to sample his DNA twice and he couldn’t coordinate it to fill the little tube. I did that because that was something that he was actually interested in. Mostly for about 2-years at home and in the home he said, “I have to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep last night.” This man was brilliant. What a way to spend your last few years.

My ex-wife didn’t really know either of them. They stopped being able to interact really probably around 2012. Ironically, what impacted them was that they stopped taking care of my son in 2009 for the most part, and then they declined. My Dad’s best friend moved to the South and they didn’t do much anymore. I was so busy with my kid and doctorate that I didn’t do much with them except cook them some nice meals. They got quieter and weirder.

I fell in love in 2013. Actual love. Like the one in which you cry when you fight and when you know it will never be anything anymore you weep and get pissed being handed a box of facial tissues. Fuck you for wanting my process to cease. Anyway, I don’t talk to her, will pay her off next fall, and don’t want anything to do with her. I was totally in love with her though and spent 8-years married to her and nearly 9 together, and she never knew my parents as whole beings.

My best friend and I went to “Wakanda Forever” with community members and some politicians on Tuesday. I liked it. My best friend asked, “What do you miss most about your Mom?” and I answered it, and then answered it fully in group last night with other people who’ve lost one or more parents. My Mom was introverted. When she did talk, it was always funny and sometimes cruel. She was a heavy smoker until probably 2012 or so. That and her bout with COVID in June of 2020 made her voice practically disappear. I told the folks in group last night that I have a VM from Thanksgiving 2020 and it’s cute and difficult to hear. I think, too, having had a stroke when she was 21, her vocal chords were slowly paralyzing. I feel like I watched my parents disappear. They were like Luke Skywalker, Yoda, Obi Wan and Luke’s Dad in “Return of the Jedi” when at the celebration they’re in light, but faded.

I don’t want this week off from most all work to be trying or incredibly sad. I teach Friday night. I booked a hike with a new group on Saturday. I have Book Club Sunday, and my male pickleball partner is going home next week, and my female pickleball partner got sick, so I will probably just go literally dink around at the court on Sunday to get some practice. We may have to forfeit. Sucks, because I’m competitve. It’s fun. Don’t knock it. It requires skill to do well. I kinda suck because I can’t finesse and hit it too hard due to softball. However, it’s not SCARY like my golf swing is.

I daydream about the climber. I’m not going to chat at work again though, and won’t text except to text back. I don’t want to be weird. I just want to see how things shake out. I was incredibly disappointed when she had to cancel our plans last Friday and she was too and apologized; I was concerned that she was slipping back or reinfected with the illness, but it turns out she just needed hours and hours of sleep. Sounded like in total like 15-hours. I’m glad she’s better and hope that she makes plans with me soon. I can wait though. I’ve developed so much patience. She has the hottest body. Taut lean muscle from the waist up.

The other two ladies have fizzled. I read all this shit that I wrote in 2009 – 2010 and that tends to happen from time to time. I can’t even remember who some of these women are when I read their job titles or mean, sarcastic names. When you’re dating, you do a lot of it. It will be interesting when I have sex with one and disclose that to another one. I wonder if some will bail and some will be fine with it. I don’t want an exclusive relationship.

by

New Chapter

I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer.  I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down.  I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me.  I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday.  I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post.  I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years.  It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.

by

Engagement

I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding.  I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together.  Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit.  We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.  It was a retro fest of love.

Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park.  We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it.  Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house.  I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry.  It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.

We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall.  The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice.  The stars were phenomenal the second night.  We took a small hike today.  I love her.  I love being engaged.  I love starting my life on stable ground.

View from the trailhead

by

Adjustments

We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine.  I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing.  It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.

I had a long day yesterday.  I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services.  The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce.  At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry.  I’m not sure that she has been held like that.  It made me think that my partner and I have something really special.  We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.

Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too.  I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church.  She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick.  When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative.  While that is really too bad, I was fuming.  I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.

I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey.  I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends.  I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.”  Whatever.  You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are.  You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.

I remember nights that I’ve had like this one.  You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself.  I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences.  That is an adjustment as well.

Here is what I took away that was new:

  1. We honestly don’t fight
  2. My partner is the nicest person who I know
  3. She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
  4. I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
  5. Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
by

Coffins

I’ve had some funny and non-coincidental things come up in the last week.  I’ve experienced some really weird stuff with respect to my doctorate, and I had some account fraud in my checking account.  However, it’s funny to me that those things are not really bothering me too much because there is a solidarity that I’ve never experienced as a result of being with my partner.  We picked up our rings last night, because we go away to the mountains in a couple of weeks so we can get engaged.  I have a surprise for her at the spa,  but I’m not going to write about it here, because when she’s not busy, she reads my blog.  🙂

I was up Thursday fairly early, because I cook for my mental health partner who has a four-month-old every Thursday when we share our office.  I was peeling carrots and cutting them up with celery, garlic, and onions and I got a picture from my ex.  She had broken her arm severely and had a caterpillar of stitches down the arm.  It looked awful.  We texted back and forth a little bit and the timing of them had a funny moment.  She asked about the artist and I said, “OMG, no.  She’s a nice person, but not for me,” and she responded, “Women can’t live with them, can’t kill them.”  Then I followed up my text having not read hers yet and told her about my upcoming engagement.  She wants to meet her.  I will not drive up there, and I wouldn’t invite her down here, so unless we run into each other, it’s not going to happen.  So odd.

I guess that one of my friends is right.  She can’t stand an unfavorable impression from anyone.  I just think that she exercised a lot of her rage and discomfort with the way of things that did not sit well with her, toward me.  Although I have called her the queen of displacement and projection, I don’t have anything that lingers in terms of a reaction.  It was a past, and I still learned four good things from her given our dating.  That’s it.  But, I don’t desire a friendship in the slightest.  We are just cool.

I saw the artist’s second son last Saturday.  He is a such a neat kid.  It was wonderful to connect with him and his father who is married to another friend of mine.  My son asked about her younger boys yesterday.  I may shoot her an email and invite them to his birthday party at the end of next month.  I’m not going to make a definite decision about that though until well after the holidays.  She and I just don’t work and are in different places.  I think that I confused timing with the right friend.  It was timing with this friend who is cooking veggies and eggs right now.

Death of things is not final.  After the coffin is closed, there is life around because of the mark of others.  I’m grateful for closed doors and the green and new of my journey.