Tag Archives: Truth

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Golden Silence

It’s really golden to not get contact, and I know that because I said that she should come to me if she wants to see me, she won’t.  Want to know why?  I think that I do.  Because if she can’t control the parameters and things are not as she is used to, which is coming to her when you need something from her, she doesn’t feel comfortable or does she want it.

Now, there isn’t any intrusiveness.  I do my thing and she makes no contact.  It’s today that I realize that she won’t either.  She will contact me again in the fall.  When those colors abound and she remembers her son crawling through the leaves, mine throwing them with sticks and dirt, and us sharing that moment where we loved each other very truly and very deeply and looked at each other in another silent moment.  However, that one was different than the emotion that is yielded by silence now.

I love this song.  It is exactly what I’m thinking as of late as I can’t move much due to injury and am both contemplative and full of dreams for my future with the right woman.   I want to just be with a girl, and not overthink, and I definitely want a woman who takes what I say at face value and doesn’t dissect my words.  I have integrity and I embrace truth.  Looking back on my last five years, I have not settled, and I won’t.  There is a girl who is smart, sexy, fit, funny, and is ready to love me and my son.

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Gentle Cycle

I don’t know how exactly we came up with it when we talked for two-hours last night, but it’s true.  It’s not that we lost sweetness, it’s that we lost being delicate with one another and that certainly is mutual.  I explained to her that navigating January and February, which didn’t have that committed in a long-term feel to me made me unsteady, so it seemed sorted by March.  However, let’s be honest, if it’s June and I’m still grasping for the whys, it is not at all nipped or tucked.

I was talking about being delicate, and I said something like we need that delicate cycle and she made the washing machine analogy about being gentle.  That means that we need to rid ourselves of the old exchange too, and for some reason she hangs on to it.  I don’t get that.  It has that back and forth quality too, which as I have written, I can’t stand.  I get that we are a product of what we have seen and experienced in our family of origin, but I just think that moving forward based on what one wants is healthy and good.

I just come back to the fact that we need therapy to continue.  She doesn’t trust me, and has said so, which is based on an e-mail that I sent at the beginning of last October (before we had even slept together) and thinks that one more bad fight would destroy the chance for a friendship even.  I don’t see it that way.  At some point around the first of the year, she made the conscious decision to push me away, and then when she does, she can’t deal and misses me desperately.  We can work this situation out and learn to communicate well, or we can’t.  If she won’t go, we can’t continue with relationship contact and will need to just take some space.  I will hurt, but love does, right?

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Thinking of what once was

Maybe it’s harder to put the nail in the coffin rather than have a woman tell you to fuck off.  I don’t know…  I can tell you that after her texting me over and over and starting it all at 7, and telling me that she would be relentless until I get it, put me in the most messed state that I have ever been in to date.  Makes my coming out affair, which also meant that I had to tell the world that I’m gay, and switching jobs, single parenting, and living alone except for my 21-month-old all within 4-months seem manageable.  I can’t stop crying and it’s totally fucked when what her texts and phone calls have yielded is that she still is in love with me and this will be the choice that I forever regret.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W-yA_gtmDo

I have no idea.  I just can’t navigate the push-pull anymore.  I want someone into me and open with me when I trigger her.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m abrasive and straightforward.  I need a girl who asks me questions or puts the halt on me right away.  I feel like she tends to just use things later anyway.  It’s like an attorney or detective who is looking for evidentiary support for why she wins.  I don’t want a competition.  I just want to work with a partner.  I sure as hell don’t want to feel like this much longer, but I won’t be taking her back.

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Dating: My Retrospective

I had to throw out a whole pot of coffee this morning.  It was a great metaphor.  I used to be too weak.  I’d put up with shit for a long, long time in relationships that I just shouldn’t have.

I realized that I should send my five-year saga into the world today to stop giving it energy over me.  I think that it will help.  Prior to 2007, the only thing that had happened is that I had two covert gfs.  One in high school and one in college–both of whom I was “caught” with–then this buddy of mine fell in puppy (non-lasting) love with me and pursued me for quite some time, so the second time he asked me to marry him, I consented, told myself that five-and-a-half-years of my life was “experimentation” and then was married to a man for 9-years.  Then, as I had written in earlier entries, folks who had not seen me in awhile would say, “______, is married?!?  To a man?!?!?!?”

My coming out affair started when I touched her hand and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!”  So, I did avoid her, but since I worked with her, I had “dealings” with her and I had to do things electronic or interoffice mail.  When I would have to greet her, I wouldn’t make eye contact, so I wouldn’t feel my pulse come out of my chest.  I didn’t have to work directly with her for two-and-a-half-years so it was ok.  She was at the office Christmas party about ten-months before I ever slept with her and she was in a black suit and was pretty thin, so I went up to her and said, “You look skinny and beautiful.”  And she said, “I love you,” which would become a joke later when we were together.

I booted my ex-husband nine-months after that party (We had been separated before we had our son three years earlier and he lived in another state for four-months.) and then she and I started a red hot affair three-weeks later.  She dumped me and tore out my heart, because it was a coming out affair and nothing like hs or college antics.  She was not a bi-curious straight girl who could feel my gayness, but she was a real lesbian, and then I knew right then, that I was too.  I think that after a divorce, you have a rebound.  Mine was a gay rebound, so I had to face who I really was, and then embrace it.

I did lots of shitty, sexless dating for a full year, because I struggled picking up the pieces of my heart.  She did cause heartbreak, because it was the first time, albeit silly love, that I really felt love.  She and I had a December full of push-pull and the last time we slept together was a few days before the New Year.  (I have a four stage entry that is really, really long about the whole journey.)  What really sticks with me were her green eyes as she left my bedroom after we had made love (for the last time) over and over, and she said, “I’m not convinced that this ever needs to happen again.”  She left.  The only thing that she would tell me is that she never wanted to be a mother, and that she was so far past being “anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.”  I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months.

Then it was over a year of dating all the Ms. Wrongs and Not-Even-Closes, and I was celibate.  I rarely smiled, got really skinny, and did other self-destruction.  My energy was saved for parenting my son and that was all that I did with passion.  Next, a year and a week later, entered my Cowgirl.  We had a “lesbian one night stand,” so it lasted two weekends.  Here is what I wrote about her when I realized that she and I couldn’t really date, because it was a mismatch:

“You get bent out of shape when I text you twice in the same day–weird.” “You have only had a ten-month relationship prior to now, and that was with a woman whose girlfriend was overseas at the time–weird.” “You don’t give me a single compliment.” There were also some other things that are superficial that would be even odder to mention, so I didn’t. I did tell her rather diplomatically that I was looking forward to seeing a woman last weekend admidst my final classes of one particular course that I’m finally done taking. However, she did not understand that when I said, “I want to be your friend,” that I really did mean just that.  Plus, we were just investigating in person chemistry and she wasn’t a gf.  I had been e-mailing one woman who I found intriguing, but she was bizarre.  Enter, the Gemini:

I wound up feeling really empty, so I e-mailed this other woman a rather ballsy thing that I wouldn’t do typically that I thought would shut down our communication… I said, “Do you want to grab coffee or a beer?” and she said, “Yes.” She showed up too. We dated for two-months and I did like her.  She was an outdoor person, a musician, and hot as shit.  Plus, she was into me.  But, she didn’t manage stress well, so she dumped me when we went on a hike.  Here it is:

I told her that a lot of her stress is coming from her work. She has a big deal in two weeks, which will involve her ex-girlfriend, her sister with whom she is extremely close, and is reminiscent of her deceased father. I also told her that it seemed like all of this between she and I was too soon, for a variety of reasons. I also told her that I had been nothing but respectful to her, and she acknowledged that it had been “all her,” in terms of making moves sexually. I’m not actually sure if she is able to be a consistent person even when she is not in the throes of this much stress. It has a flavor that leaves me full of caution.

I did, and I’m glad about this statement, tell her that I would not have been contacting her so frequently had she not held me under the stars three weeks ago and whispered that “Sunday was a long time away,” and she said, “I’m not saying that I’m right.” It wasn’t a competition, but two weeks before had confused me when she called me every night, and I said as much. I told her that I wanted to tell her something and that I didn’t want to sound patronizing. She said “Say it.” I told her that this whole interaction over the past three weeks had made me approach her with such hypervigilance that I was worried about saying it, but she told me that it was fine. I told her that I hoped that she could get healthy, because right now, she has too much going on.  I drove home and was angry, but I didn’t date her again; although, she wanted to.

Two months later, the drunk comes into my life.  We had a very fun summer fling in 2009, but it should have stopped there and would have had I not had one of the most stressful falls that I have ever had, but she contacted me on New Year’s Eve, and I had before called off a stupid friendship with her because she was not monogamous, which I could have cared less about because it was a summer fling and I really just wanted a steady stream of sex that summer, and we had no foundation for friendship.  No contact for three-months, and I was fine.  However, she broke up with this girl who pressured her to become exclusive only to three-months later text me.  I think that was because she had seen me two weeks earlier.  I had written this:

So I finally saw the woman who I slept with all summer an hour or so ago. It was odd, because I didn’t care at all. It was weird for a minute and then I settled into the bar and it didn’t matter at all. She could have been a girl who I merely met a couple of times, but it was even less warm, and I slept with her all summer and she disclosed lots of personal stuff to me. The oddest thing is that a bar owner who I know was at this cowboy bar and told my friend and I to come to her bar and we would not have to pay a cover, so we did after an hour or so, and then she was there as well–feeding the jukebox.

She was merely standing there, alone, feeding the jukebox; although there was a DJ, and she was also half-heartedly watching hockey while nearly everyone in the place was dancing. I know this is my stuff, and not her stuff, but it seriously made me wonder what she will be doing in 5-years? Sipping tequila, and getting loaded in her early 40s is a strong possibility. We didn’t talk at this location and had a stilted hug and odd interactions at the first bar.

Another interesting element is that I was just getting some bravado and telling my friend that I needed another f-buddy. I don’t need that! Absolute indifference to someone who I know way too much about and does not know shit about me… I really don’t want this level of indifference and do not desire to become apathetic. It is interesting to me, but very weird. I guess she didn’t get that job in the southeast as she is still here.

However, she did eventually get a different job, and we then did distance, which I stopped wanting to do after three-months, but we had invested money in hotels and plane trips, so I didn’t.  I didn’t want to move.  I love where I live, and then I realized that it was not that she hated it here and drank to cope, it was just that she really was an alcoholic.  She is loaded all of the time.  I’m not dating a drunk.

I met my first love right afterward.  My ex still has my heart and it is going to take some time.  What’s good is that sublimation can happen right now because I have a lot of work in my yard and doctorate, and my son is taking a theater camp, so he will have a school schedule, so I can also follow a schedule after dropping him off in a few weeks.  I’m going to chart out my whole summer and part-time work.  I’m excited and I know that it will be the best summer that I’ve ever had.  I will be free of her saying that I lack compassion, whereas, I think that I have been nothing but patient with her for five-months, and just can’t do that dance anymore.  I want to be single, or have someone who is completely into me and wants to rip my clothes off.  I will do either and this is the path that I’m currently on.  I did a lot of weird dating before I got here, and in my last relationship, I was completely in love, gave my whole heart, and I have NO regrets.

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Genuine

I have sooooo much stuff to do today.  Looking back, I should have left my son with his best friend and his mother (She has a daughter too.)  and gone into work on Monday.  Had I done so, I wouldn’t feel like a ball of stress.  Because I’m not working with clients really means that I am buried with plans, billing, reports, and end-of-the-season progress on goals paperwork.  Plus, I will only have one office next year, so I am moving and combining two.  I slept well–uninterrupted–but I did wake up at 4.  I’m well awake now too. I will get everything done, but then I have to race to get to her, which will not be restful.  Or is deciding what to do with my bike while I use my truck to move all of this shit after getting paperwork done.

Because she took my not doing treatment as being free and clear, she is not sympathetic at all about what Tuesday – Thursday entails.  It is a 40-hour work week.  I have think that I have been to lend an ear about things that she can talk about, but she is so jealous that I will only now be working part-time through the end of July, that she basically tells me to get over myself and that I’m going on a vacation.  She didn’t respond to the details that I left about steps that I have and nuts and bolts.  I’ll be stressed when I finally reach her, but I don’t want to appear that way.  So, I won’t.

I’m not a good “stuffer.”  I need to be me and say what is on my mind.  It helps to be validated and listened to as well.  I know that Friday will be really fun.  Getting to tonight is a stressful, busy, and an overwhelming venture.  I will give myself some deadlines this morning.  Whatever is not documented by 11:30 will have to be at least addressed, so I will stop computer work by 10:45.   Then I need to move things and drive them over to the new site.  I will just make it so I must leave at 4:30.  Deadlines are good for me.  I hope to laugh and be light, and kind this weekend.  Those will also be my requirements, and if I am being completely honest with myself, without those things I’m just not sure if I can continue this at all.

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Synchronicity

I was thinking about Pat Benatar (Thus my subject line in this post, which evokes her box set.) earlier in the day because I’m going to sing on Friday night.  I am going to do that too, and am committing it to the Internet now so that I have accountability.  What could happen is just tons of sex and never leaving the house, but I want to go out, and think that if we can really make a fresh start, we should date.  Like really date.  We don’t do that.  With the infrequency that we can see each other we mainly wind up having sex for hours and hours and then not sleeping much, which kills her because she only gets two nights off and her son is MUCH younger than mine and has crummy sleep patterns.  My boy is at an easy and fun age.  I can sleep when I’m not nursing microbrews and staying up waaaay too late.  People who tell you that 0 – 3 is great should be at least maimed.  They are probably telling you that because they want to delude themselves into thinking that raising children is fulfilling 24-7.  Newsflash…  It is ANOTHER ft job.  That’s the plan for Friday (karaoke), but clearly the universe is putting ex’s and suitors into the lives of those who I know (and me) as of late, so I’m brought to my next topic, which in a slightly buzzed state shall be more stream of consciousness that my usual voice (fair warning).

So, one of my friends from MS who knows my real ex (not to be construed with the woman who I thought was my ex who I’d give anything to make love to tonight, but have to wait 2-more days to have) had this guy drop off the face of the earth for weeks and he just reconnected with her.  I don’t trust that he will stick though, because he presents like a flake per her descriptors.  My BFF who lives in the same state as my buddy from MS is falling in love with this guy (Sorry, many of my friends are str8.) who is being super casual with her right now and is at a breaking point with him–which was like my holding pattern in early 2010–with my real ex–and she is messed about him, but her ex in addition to several other “dark horses” not-so-much in the running, are suddenly and concurrently texting her.  And  while we were talking about that via phone last night, my REAL ex e-mailed me.  She e-mailed me because my BFF took my I-thought-you-were-an-ex off her Friends List and my real ex is kinda stalker-ish and scary.  No contact since Christmas Eve.  And then her e-mail comes through right when I’m talking to my BFF who is falling in love and doesn’t want to (with Mr. Casual).  Lovely.  I have never mentioned that my real ex is now armed, have I?  Even better!

So, I needed my girlfriend.  Not my ex.  She is my girlfriend, even if she is so scared of me and taking a chance.  She called me and we talked it through.  She thinks that I need to sleep on the unsettling, and not-so-out of the blue e-mail and then approach her with compassion.  As it is me, I don’t think I’ll engage, but I will know tomorrow.  I know in my heart that because my BFF took my current girlfriend off of her social networking friends list last week that my ex now thinks she can get back into dating me.  That is crazy.  1) She is a drunk.  2) She is pretty scary and I’m glad that she lives 6-states away from my son and I.  3) She thinks I am single and is contacting me now, and 4) She is armed.

No full moon, but ex’s coming out of the woodwork and suitors wanting to all get their game on with the women who I know.  My girlfriend’s ex-partner “dropped in” on her last Tuesday (We had reconnected intimately that Monday) and tried to talk to her about her failing marriage.  My girlfriend approaches her with compassion, but it is weird that she dropped in the day after we decided that calling it quits was not an option.  Furthermore, all of this relationship dissension is bizarre.  I’ll look at the patterns tomorrow after I sleep.  This week is weird, weird, weird.

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Looking for difference

So, she had texted and HeyTell’ed in the morning, and while I responded she figured that since I was unable to sleep after we talked for two-hours the night before, that I would want nothing to do with her.  I think that a major difference between she and I is that she goes with a particular and makes all kinds of assessments based on it and then quickly derives a decision.  I might do that with shoes, a dress, or even my bike, but I don’t do that in any other area of my life.  I knew when I woke up that I was still in love with her.

So, I called her and we talked all the way into my work and then I sat in my parking lot for another 45-minutes.  I won’t lie and say that the convo was without tension.  She really came unhinged when I told her that I talked to a girl and got her number.  (Later she did realize that reaction was strange as we were completely broken up, and she apologized.)  Again, because I’m writing I must be honest.  I liked that she was still so very much in love with me, and that she missed me so desperately.  Later she admitted this in  a raw and naked e-mail.

I went back to saying that we could not share space because it would be sexual.  She e-mailed that maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with that, but that we had to consider things.  I had completely accepted her apology and continued to think about what had happened to three sisters who I know when they lost their mother.  It is just not normal to loose your mother or father until you are in your 40s or 50s and if it happens when you are young, you do some things that are uncharacteristic afterward and most especially within those first few weeks of shock.  Could it be that she was right when she had told me Sunday night that she really is that person who I fell in love with last fall?  Could the first few months of this year be truly colored by grief and then our mutually-fed fervor of future?  The latter should just organically work out after a year or so, right?

God, I did want her.  There is an intimacy that we share that borders on something that is pure and is otherworldly.  I had e-mailed her yesterday about our lovemaking–I will point out was after Monday–which borders on transcendence.  And it does.  She is on business this week, but didn’t fly out until yesterday morning, so she said that she could meet me at my house Monday afternoon.  I took two hours of sick leave and held her for a long, long time in my livingroom.  I could feel her muscles under her thin and soft leather jacket and after a long period, I kissed her neck and found her mouth.  That level of passion is like nothing.  I used to think that things like that were bullshit made up for media (movies, songs, etc.), but with her it is a derivative of our connection.  We had about an hour and used it well.

Now, she is not here, but we have gone back to contact.  But, she’s different.  There is no jealousy and resentment.  I think that we can get something new that is not spurned on by what we’d like five-years from now.  Immediacy is the only area in which we can operate.  I will certainly honor that and do believe that with distance it is hard not to hurt, but the trade-off is passionate love.  Who can really say that they have that?

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Embrace healing

I have had two very low days.  I have been very sick again too, which is getting very old and work has been a complete hell for two days.  I can blame just the latter on the full moon.  I’m thinking that at this stage, I will start to feel some pain, and I think that I am.  Part of me gets like Missy Higgins lyrics at times as well. “I’m a little tired of feeling like the bad fruit nobody buys.”  I know that I will be fine on my own and without a partner, but it does get old.  Very old.  Having not tired of single parenting to the degree that I would be with someone who says awful things to me and thinks of me in disrespectful terms, I won’t respond to her or do I want her back per se, but I do feel a bit hollow.

I think that it is honestly time for me to embrace this part of my journey anyway.  I should reflect on everything that I learned from this seven-month relationship.  In fact, I think that before I go to bed, I’ll read one actual handwritten journal entry that I completed and then I will reflect on what I learned and how I have evolved.  I know what I’m looking for and most of it still entails compromise.

Unsettling to me is that both of these last two women (3-years of my life) have been control freaks.  I don’t want that aspect, but rather want to be with a woman who talks through things with me.  I think that I backslid with my last one, actually.  The drunk did want to do what was right for all parties, but she couldn’t.  My last ex thought that she had all the answers.  I’m fine with learning and discovering.  I think now it’s time for me to learn and discover what I have gathered from my last relationship so I can heal.

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Human Behavior

We tend to reflect on what didn’t go right when we end a relationship.  I think that it is fairly natural to sort through things that occurred in our previous love relationships and then be able to list hosts of reasons that they didn’t work based on interactions.  I think that my last girl was deliberately provocative, and not forthcoming with what was irritating her, so it was easier for her to lash out.  I really liked this picture–I think that it is accurate too:

I think that is why I blog about it, because it will be an aspect of my self-of-therapist activities and help me get rid of some of the negativity that I swallowed up instead of saying, “I’m having trouble putting up with this criticism.”  I don’t wish that I had done that, because I think just letting her go forward with rage and reckless abandon is probably how she is when she is under duress, and that is not someone with whom I want to build a life.

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Coming down the world turns over

I’m doing well today and was during this week in general.  Monday she just couldn’t leave me alone.  I kept my line mostly firm: we should take a real break with no communication, but she continued, and I just didn’t respond.  One of her HeyTells was awful too.  I think that a small dog bled to death in her arms as soon as she got home on Tuesday night, as it had been attacked and stripped from it’s owner.  I couldn’t get follow up information because I don’t want to give mixed messages–no communication means just that.  So then of course she texted me at 5 in the morning yesterday and HeyTell’ed me too, but since we have all of our shit back from each other it’s not necessary to communicate and she is going to have to get used to that.

What’s distasteful to me, and is at least somewhat responsible for my firm line of no communication now, is that she not only continued telling me how selfish and negative that I am, but on Friday, she said, “I was creeping her out,” and that was a direct quote from her most recent partner who sent that to her in a text when she thought that she was cheating on her.  She just does not seem to sort much out, and lets previous experiences color who she is currently dating.  However, we must note that she has not ever dated…  She has had long-term relationships.  That’s all.  I’m looking for one, but won’t force it with a woman with whom I constantly fight.  She is my ex-girlfriend and we need this strict space, but I’m incredulous that we will ever have anything.  A Christmas card style relationship is comfortable for me right now, and I don’t see much shift.  She said simply horrible stuff to me and it frankly makes no sense that she’d want a friendship.

I know that she will contact me more.  If I’m so creepy, selfish, and negative and her life is perfect with all kinds of support, why can’t she leave me alone?  Also, I found another thing really unsettling.  She told me that she could be the best friend who I have ever had.  I guess that she never heard me say that my friendships are concentric circles and there are just a few people in that center circle who are truly my family and in my heart.  I had a dinner party when I turned 37 last year and every friend who is part of my soul was there.  It was amazing and the food was fantastic.  I love cooking and feeling the energy in my kitchen as my friends and family are conversing and vibing off each other’s actions and words.  That’s my life and I’m grateful.

It does give me pause though…  The timing…  To be very happy to get home early from work, hear “Help,” and see a woman running.  Then having your work clothes covered in blood from a little dog who you are trying to save.  That is macabre and frightening.  The timing is strange though, and knowing her as well as I do, she will say that because I didn’t reach out and connect to her when she told me what had happened on Tuesday night that I’m selfish, negative, etc.  That’s good, because she is not the best friend who I have.

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Done and done

Bad to do it via phone, but as I have had a break up text a couple of days shy of three months ago, and an awful weekend exchange that lead to semi-hiatus at the beginning of February, this worked for me.  I can’t.  Just can’t.  It’s like there is this approach to me as if I have all these weaknesses and drawbacks that makes it awful to be around me, and that is not partner connection.  There is overt and covert aggression too.  I can’t navigate her moods and don’t want a friendship right now either.  I’m just going to fade.  We may have just been a six-month thing.  It is too bad that the first three-months were so good.  They were.

But, she doesn’t do holidays well at all or does she seem to stay connected with me through tough times.  I don’t want that.  I’m glad that I see my psychologist on Monday.  I want to tie this up as neatly as I am able.  It is definitely good to be able to reflect and move on.  In particular, it is good when I have as much free time as I do coming up in two months.  Back to the drawing board and getting closer to finding what I really want.  I think that I learn more each time that I date and what works for me.  This particular instance could be attributable to bad timing, but I think that I still like a softer sort of approach to everything in life.

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What a difference a day makes

And a night.  Amen.  I want this venture to work.  I know that now that I’m older and certainly wiser that I’m ready to get married.  I want to build a whole life out of choices and experience mystery and that unfolding that only comes when someone ignites everything inside of you.  When she talks about things, I get hot.  When she looks into my eyes, I meet her gaze and feel heat rising to my face.  When she kisses me, it burns into me.

I have no idea why I told her…  Again, I’m sometimes like Homer Simpson, but I have burned out on kissing everyone.  There was this time period wherein I actually stopped kissing my ex, and then when she would kiss me, I’d stop.  We didn’t even enjoy each other when we were intimate and got sort of a business like approach to it when we did have sex.  Very odd.  There is nothing business-like with my girl.  She fucking slays me.

How does one keep it going?  How do you build trust and how does she know that you are really that boring?  You don’t do anything that is odd or not part of what you mean.  You just want only her and know that if she would let down her guard–not worry, never second-guess, and just take a total leap of faith that you’d do anything for her and her son?

by

Maintaining

So, I have completely lost it before after a break-up, but that was well over four-years ago.  If that’s what this hand holds, I won’t go off the deep end and will instead reach out to friends and get things done.  Forward motion is best.  One of my good friends relocated to the East Coast a few years ago because her husband is completing his residency and I was talking to her several weeks ago right after my gf had broken up with me a second time, and she said, “Don’t you get it?  She’s testing to see if you will leave her.”  I was baffled because I won’t.  I’m here, and I have never said anything else aloud or held in my heart that she’s who I want to be with.  Another friend of mine with whom I work said, “You know that she is going to break-up with you again, so all you can do is change your reaction to it.”  I guess that I need to change my reaction to that I have not heard, “I love you,” in five days too, because I do love myself, so I should assume that she loves me too.

I had an appointment with my Psychologist last night and talked through all of it and she said, “She has been through so much and continues to go through more, so what you can do is stay balanced.”  I said, “I don’t want to get broken up with because I can’t do it again!”  She said, “Why?  What will happen if she tells you that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.  You have a lot of evidence and you believe also that she wants to be with you, so why can you not ‘do it’?”  And I really had to ponder that one, honestly.  Why does it matter if I get a cold e-mail or text today?  I can just call her and say, “I don’t want to write or talk about this stuff right now.  Let’s take a week because you have had probably the worse week of your life, and then let’s talk face to face.”  I need to maintain my sense of balance and not get thrown off.  I don’t like being there.  I want to stay with what I want and be stronger than I ever have been.

I guess my other entries were pretty rigid.  I had this sense of what I will and won’t put up with or something.  I want to build a life with her.  She is amazing.  She may be on the fence about me, but I’m certainly not about her, and honestly, my maintaining what is the truth for me is all that I can honor.