Author Archives

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Mom

I’ve been thinking about Mom and dreaming about her a lot lately. I’m reasonably sure that I know why.

I feel like that I’m having time to be and breathe. I’m sure, too, that given that it’s Easter this weekend, I am thinking about holidays without family.

Sunday, I have an invitation to friends, and I know that I’ve written here that I don’t say no to those, but I have been eating yogurt, eggs and canned soup and don’t want to be around yummy food and alcohol. I also don’t want to talk about the hole in my mouth with people whom I don’t really know. I’ve known this colleague for 24-years this fall, but she’s an extrovert’s extrovert, so loves to entertain and make small talk. LA always invites me to these things–she’s really close with this colleague–and I did go to the Blues BBQ (live band) and also Christmas Eve. I am not going to Easter. In fact, I’ll do yard work which is a lot like my Dad!

My Dad worked for the City and County. He’d dropped out of a Civil Engineering Program because my Mom had me and they had very little money and mice in the housing provided near campus via the GI bill. That was a contention. As was my ever being born. I had colic and my father always said that he was going to leave me screaming in the snow. Mom said that once I could imitate opera voices on the radio at about 4-months of age, I stopped screaming.

(I have said to my son ad nauseum, “You didn’t ask to be born. I will make sure that you have medical and dental care until you’re 26. I will also write a check for any tuition bill that you produce for me.” He has about 7k left in his ESA, so I’m going to set up a trust for 150k that I manage until he’s 30. I’m doing that in June. Trust me, this digression is topical.)

My Mom wanted kids. She said that my brother and I were the best things in her life.

She was sarcastic, a little mean, definitely depressed, and not quick with hugs or kisses, but always said, “I love you.” And she did love us.

We had no money. I really mean that too. My parents, both Boomers, were the last of the people who can buy a house on one salary. My Mom contributed off and on to living expenses, but never had a full-time teaching job likely because of her physical disability. She subbed for 4-5 years and would often come home with a migraine.

Today, I’m thinking about my Mom, the status of her teeth, her heavy smoking until she was in her 60s, and how much healthier and luckier than I am when compared to my Mom.

I was out in the backyard this morning giving my neighbor’s dogs and mine pieces of elk jerky, and my neighbor came out and asked about the hole. So, I have this screw and hole in my mouth right now. My neighbor will get her hole and screw in two-weeks.

We’ve been trying to figure out how her process is so much longer than mine. Her tooth broke eight-months ago. We figured it out today.

My Mom made sure that we went to the dentist every 6-months. She made sure that the weird tooth that came in sideways was addressed with a retainer. I have great teeth. So, it was easy for the dentist to drill it, pack it, help me make an appointment with a talented specialist, and I will see him five-days before I get a tooth colored crown. My parents were poor for sure–lower middle class, I guess–but we got good dental care.

My Mom didn’t support me going to graduate school. My Mom was mostly horrified about what others thought of her having a lesbian daughter. My Mom’s ashes that I have left could ignite given that I don’t want one partner and would never live with anyone ever again. However, my Mom loved and took care of me.

Tell me about your Mom. I don’t know you, so don’t worry, I am not impersonating Freud. Freud is mostly only good for defense mechanisms.

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Wall Anchor

(Please don’t read this entry if you’re squeamish or triggered by anything that is gross.)

Is in my mouth.

I had a small pain in my molar on occasion–honestly, it would just come and go–and it was a little sensitive to cold for 3-years. It wasn’t unbearable until it wasn’t. On the 26th of February, I took my son out to dinner and we got pan seared steaks. I couldn’t really chew mine. The pain was excruciating. I ate enough to not be starving and then gave him the rest after finishing most of the mashed potatoes and broccoli with peppers.

I guess that I thought that midway through last month that I had some weird mobile bacteria because I had stomach stuff, a sinus infection, and when on the 14th of this month the roof of my mouth looked like it had a mandarin orange in it, I knew that there was something really wrong.

I found out what it was.

Yesterday I was so nervous. I had my wisdom teeth out when they got impacted when I was in my early 20s, but since that time I have only ever had a couple of fillings. I have never been to an oral and maxillofacial surgeon.

What a lovely man. He was calm, caring, professional and explained everything that had happened. He examined the area and said, “Wow, that’s strange.” He told me that if he touched the side of my gums near where the tooth was pus would just ooze.

This fact explains why I’ve felt so terrible, and skipped so much guitar, and gone to bed so early and slept until 5 or 5:30 anyway. I have had a massive bacterial infection. I don’t know where it started, but likely entered through the broken tooth.

The choices were: a partial denture, a bridge, or a titanium screw after the extraction. I was probably in the procedure 11-minutes and could feel pressure and hear crunching and tightening, but that was it. Of the three shots, I only felt the one on the side where my gums were infected. He was a gem. The tech took another x-ray and it looks like there is a wall anchor in my jaw.

The surgeon called me yesterday, but I was at the vet with my dog so she could get her allergy shot and other stuff to get her ready for spring. I couldn’t get the call being in the vet’s office. However, it all went well. I went through a lot of gauze yesterday and was generally swallowing some blood, but feel good. I don’t see him until July 26 and my dentist builds an implant on the screw on July 1st. I’m going to get a tooth colored one.

Although I have a wall anchor in my mouth, I’m grateful. Grateful for days off. Grateful for only being responsible for under $1,200 for the nearly $6,000 procedure. I’m also grateful to have this source of infection gone!

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I hope that the 4th time is charming

I have gone to South Beach and the Everglades in 2021, South Harbor and Acadia in 2022 and last year I went all over OR. I’m excited to announce that my 4th Solo Vacation will take place in the south. Originally, I wanted to fly to Charleston and drive to Congaree National Park after kayaking around Kiawah Beach, but I couldn’t believe the prices of flights and rooms as well. The amended plan is to fly to Knoxville and have a rental car.

Solo vacations have been really good for me. I think that they’ll continue to be this way for me too. I was really excited last night working through my accommodations. Seeing Mammoth Caves and the Great Smoky Mountains will be wonderful. I have a hike planned in Knoxville too. There is a micropolitan town that I’m staying in for a night too and there are parks and waterfalls. The goal is to spend time in three states over the course of the week. I’m such a lucky person.

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Simple Things

A short entry for things that are not complex, but make me happy:

  1. Hot coffee
  2. Warm water on my back in the shower
  3. A clean working space
  4. Spicy food
  5. Headbutt from my son’s cat
  6. The tilt of a dog head with the ears up
  7. Good smelling soap when I wash my hands
  8. Flaky pie crust
  9. Smooth red wine
  10. Cold beer
  11. Freezing stream
  12. Pink sunrise
  13. Feet on pine needles under my hiking boots
  14. Fresh mountain air
  15. Rush of wind on my face and body from my bike
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Swipe

Not that I do that to meet women, but I had a goal to write for a few days in a row and that was the topic that I came up with in the shower on a morning that I’m washing my hair. Podcasters that I’ve listened to have said that if you read a lot of dating ads folks talk about what you want rather than what you offer. I’ve written (here) what I’m seeking, so let’s see if I can write who I am, and what I offer in 300 characters. I’m going to give it a whirl.

I love being outside hiking, biking or walking. I am funny. I take making others laugh as a project. I’m a great cook who loves doing it for others. I am honest, straightforward and direct. I love to sing and want to get better on the guitar. I write everyday and am fascinated by a person’s story.

I have no intention of making a profile. I wanted to see what I could write in 300 characters as the essence of me. I may ask if I included my core at work today and perhaps a little bit next week. Swiping and the gambling approach to connection just isn’t me.

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Fumes

I made and ate paella last night, got my book, and my guitar and realized that I was already so close to falling asleep. I said to my dog, “I can’t make it to guitar tonight.” I started “The Fire Line.” I slept somewhat fitfully for 9-hours.

It’s taken a lot out of me to have an infected tooth. I just thought that I was having some difficulty with a sinus infection until Friday. It has run me down.

Working in one site wherein the boss is toxic takes its toll too. I know that things have shifted a little bit since I documented problems to my manager; however, it’s not fun to be there and she doesn’t listen or really care about suggestions or requests. In the hideous team meeting I explained that because we don’t have clients on that particular team the last hour of the day that should be the time that we meet. She rolled her eyes when I told just her that, and then when I said it in the context of the meeting and explained that if one client had shown, I’d have had to skip her session with the existing standing meeting time, she may have gotten that. I actually don’t care. On the 8th of April, I’ll just send a decline the notice and work with clients during that time. She’s controlling, stubborn and rigid, which makes work difficult even if it’s once a week. Being there makes me feel depleted if I have to interact with her.

We have had to reschedule lots of things because of two random days off, and we don’t have clients Friday through April 2nd. It’s been a lot of Jenga. Juggling isn’t inspiring.

I’m simply worn out and need a whole lot of sleep and nothing. I want to regroup, reflect and move forward. I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but I’m glad that I’m not going to UT with my Aunt next week. And, I’ll complain about it one more time: It’s not normal to get up when it’s still dark!

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Tech Fatigue

My laptop for work fizzled and died. In fact, it wouldn’t navigate to the Internet at all and I had to run a safety meeting with my boss and a family on a Chromebook, which kept lagging as I typed. It was awful. The battery wouldn’t charge anyway so it had been like lugging around a desktop. I think it was 4 to 5 years old and was a DELL, which our organization doesn’t use anymore. I finally got a Lenovo, which seems to be perpetually updating. Our main software for compliance is buggy and can’t tolerate people typing in it at the same time although it’s a cloud. At home, I downloaded after buying Webroot and can’t get the keycode to accept that it’s working–although it scanned my device weeks ago now.

Do you like computers? Software? Updates? Being glued to a screen for your work? Does the concept of a cloud being run by solar panels in NE freak you out?

I don’t feel like Gmail works anything close to the way in which Outlook does, but honestly, with all the emails that are sent now, I’ve not had to find a specific email recently. Don’t get me started on Drive. I can’t find anything efficiently in it and it reminds me of housecleaning. It would take me weeks to organize it and it’s picky with file names.

Becoming a robot and singularity

I remember the first time that I saw “Blade Runner,” and I found it so disturbing. I think that we’re there now. People dissociate on their phones in meetings. Kids extend their arms and stare at YouTube. I think that we need to take notice how AI has really started to our worlds. I think that although I get a tooth extracted a week from today, that I need to get outside as much as possible and better bike to work today.

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Disasters

I had a couple of days at home, which was nice. I was able to clean up all the sheetrock dust and pieces of fiberglass that the company left after filling some walls. The problem isn’t remediated in the kitchen, so they’re coming back tomorrow afternoon to fill above the cabinets. I’m going to move the microwave, toaster oven and coffee pot and drape the fridge with some sheets. It makes a mess. It’s not quite a disaster, but is a nice introduction to this entry.

What do you think of snow? I really like it; although, I’m not a downhill skier. I like the way in which it freshens everything up in the desert. I took the dogs through it on Friday with drifts higher than 2-feet.

Two months ago I watched, “Society of the Snow,” and was intrigued. Vegan had texted me and asked what I was up to and I told her about the movie, with which she was unfamiliar. Then she said that she’d read the book. I ordered, “Miracle in the Andes,” and I spent Thursday and Friday finishing it. Like the film, it makes you cold and feel inspired with the athleticism and resolve.

I found out on Friday afternoon that Vegan had read and seen “Alive.” I said that we should trade as the epilogue in “Miracle in the Andes” talks about some of the unfair characterization of two of the young men as written in “Alive.” Vegan is going to borrow the book from me–she had donated her copy of “Alive.” I’d love to read some of “Miracle in the Andes” starting on page 185 and some others until about page 197 in the book to the climber.

I loved this film and book. Being the mountains always fuels me. I respect them and don’t underestimate them. I woke up today thinking about snow, the human spirit and nature.

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Breakups

Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.

McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.

I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living

Let’s see:

  • I moved out when I was almost 19
  • I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
  • I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
  • I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
  • I lived with my son for 17-years
  • I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)

I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.

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Dental Emergency / Going to an Indie Film

I have told myself that I won’t say no to anything social. It means that I’ll drag myself anywhere that I’ve been invited. I went to the movies with Vegan yesterday and the movie was, well, quite odd. I bought tickets for a 3:30 showing of the film and told Vegan that we’d meet there Friday. However, I hadn’t expected what happened with my health.

I have a good enough immune system that I don’t get sick enough to miss work. I have worked a few half days and taken off an hour twice, but that has been mostly due to my loathing being in my other building just meeting rather than conducting my work with clients. I had this persistent sinus infection for a long time which infiltrated the roof of my mouth and teeth. The swelling got so bad yesterday that I realized that I needed to see my dentist. The gums were sore to the touch and all of my teeth hurt.

The dental assistant was having a lot of trouble with the computer for my x-rays. I think it likely needed software updates. When she finally projected pictures you could see the swelling on the left side of my teeth and face. When the dentist came in she hit each of my back teeth with a little metal mallet. EXCURIATING on the tooth in question. “I have to open the tooth and drain the infection now. Then, I’m referring you to the endodontist.” Lovely. It’s being 49 and it’s time for a root canal.

She had to take intraoral pictures next. I was probably in three different chairs for 45-minutes. Finally, the dental assistant put the numbing agent in my mouth so that I could start drooling. That is always super fun. Probably another five-minutes elapsed and she gave me my shot. Then my dentist saw a crack. So, we got up to go back to the place where the interior camera was and she took one more shot, and that’s when she showed me a crack from one side to the other and the crossing of the root. 😦

The dentist filed my tooth down to practically nothing and put glue on it. I have to see a specific dental specialist the week of the 25th for an extraction. Apparently, he will put a screw in the place where tooth #14 was and then it will heal over until July 1st when my dentist will build an implant. Fun. 10-days of amoxicillin.

I paid my $72 co-pay and hightailed out of there. I got to the theater with three-minutes to spare and Vegan gave me a side hug and joked about my tooth. All should have been well, but one of the characters gets his teeth knocked out–violently. I didn’t have any experience with the actress in the lead until the movie, and I generally liked the strange film. It evoked Tarantino and the video “Human Behaviour” by Bjork for me. Vegan was horrified. I didn’t know that she couldn’t tolerate any violence and is not a fan of dark humor. Can someone let me know what they think of “Love Lies Bleeding?” Did anyone see it after going to the dentist? Hehe.

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Women

Introduction

When I was a kid, I didn’t really have female friends. Right now, I don’t have very many male friends except at work. I spent all day Sunday with different women, one of whom, I have just met and want to develop a closer friendship.

Sunday Morning

I took a super long walk with one of my son’s ex’s Moms yesterday. We actually wound up walking nearly 7-miles. In terms of weights, I think that I did four machines instead of my typical amount afterward because I was really sore from boxing the day before. (I can hit two of the machines missed tonight after my normal Monday cardio.) When I got home, I should’ve cooked and cleaned, but it was so warm that I wanted to prowl around a little.

Afternoon

There is a new gay bar close to our capitol, so I parked a bit away from it and walked there to get even more sunshine. I was probably there 2-minutes. The lesbian scene here is pretty limited really. The gay man scene is not. That bar was packed, but there wasn’t a single woman in it so I felt completely out of place. I walked to the bar where we used to have flip cup. Savoring those brussels sprouts–even if they’re a third of the size that they were in the fall–was worth it. I drank a Lone Star and sent the picture to my BFF in San Antonio.

Family Karaoke on Second Sundays

I thought that the bar had a show. That is how good the woman was who was singing. I talked with the bartender for a couple of minutes who told me that Second Sundays are now karaoke. The KJ came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Are you going to sing tonight?” I said that I probably would. There was a couple–I thought–at the table in front of me. I felt awkward at a high top behind them in the otherwise nearly empty bar so I thought, “What the hell?” Laughing internally when I found out that she has the same name as the Realtor, she let me sit down. She and her family had great voices.

Hanging out with a Mom

I don’t meet any women who let their hair grey, but hers is probably more grey than mine, and she highlights it differently. She is the climber’s age, has six kids–four of whom were there–and was friendly. Nice blue eyes and fun to talk to, so I was glad that I asked if it was ok that I joined their table. She then told me her coming out story. I was very interested in it. The thing is that her marriage is closed. However, when I thanked her for telling me it, she grabbed my hand. Given the green light, I hugged her before I left and gave her a card. In 2008, I had cards made with my first name, cell and email. They simply say, “Email, call or text.” She gave me a business card. I told her that if she’d like to do a happy hour some time I am game. I explained that I’m good with boundaries and don’t want her husband to murder me, so I wouldn’t touch her. She laughed and said, “Yes, good call.” It’s so crazy how realizing how good it feels to connect gives you a boost. My mood was great yesterday. I’ll email her at the beginning of next month to hang out and keep good boundaries. I put ethics above everything with the way in which I conduct myself.

Monday Morning

Today I have to run a safety protocol meeting at my other site. That means that I get out of the hideous and worthless afternoon meeting. Bonus! I texted the nice guy and climber that I’d have to drive in solo because I’m leaving three-hours early. I texted the climber that I love her company and she could feel free to ride in with me in the morning and then hop in with the nice guy in the afternoon. She has just texted back, and I’m excited to ride in with her. I am going to feed the pets (in the dark) and then shower and walk my dogs. I hate this time of year with daylight savings time and waking up when it’s pitch black. It’s so stupid to not have left the time change in April, but I guess that people have to stay out buying things that they don’t need. I guess that I, myself, went out from 4-7 last night, but I had a ton of fun and it was nice to socialize.

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Grow

I’ve known the climber for nearly 6 years. Our relationship started to change significantly in the fall of 2022 when she took me climbing. I think that it’s growing and I know my attachment to her is too. Seasonal change is upon us, and I know that I’m reflecting on her and whatever “us” is.

It’s getting on toward spring now and I’m so happy about it. I hope that we have a spring and it doesn’t just start getting beastly hot. I used to train practitioners in suicide protocols. Did you know that spring is the time that people die by suicide most frequently? I’m happiest in spring, so maybe that means that I always have something to look forward to annually. I don’t know.

Commute

End of a friendship: The nice guy gives excuses instead of commuting with me. One time he confirmed and when I got in my car to go to his house he called and said that he needed to go to the dispensary after work. Yesterday, it was that he needed to go to work early to set up. It’s ok. I think he’ll just fade out of my life after spring. I won’t see him unless he’s walking his dogs and I’m biking.

The climber (Batman) wanted to leave early and ride with me. However, my dogs take forever to walk now so when I got her text, it was late, and I texted that I’d try to get there at 7:20 and she said that she’d just come to me.

She had completed a super long inventory for one of our clients for me so I made her a toasted bagel sandwich (egg, cheddar, spinach) and washed some blueberries for her. She said that I didn’t have to do that because it was her job. I also had a cup of coffee for her too, and this time had vanilla protein milk which is a good substitute for creamer, I think.

We planned the end of our book on our drive to our building. She had a great idea regarding changing the art with the turning point of the protagonist. The main character is like me as a child and now I think that she’s adding elements of her to the character. It’s beautiful actually. I’m excited. We talked about our parents a little bit and she wasn’t tired and we were able to chat the entire time. The commute is pretty mundane after we get out of our neighborhood–it’s complete with a long stretch of city traffic and then two awful highways complete with poor rush hour drivers. Conversation between she and I certainly breaks up the monotony.

Riding Home

She talked a lot about work. She said because it was the last leg before summer term–a term that neither she or I work–it was a good use of time. I said, “I had you all to myself in the car and we mostly talked about work!” She laughed. She planned the final page of our book and said she’d sketch before she did her ice climb workout that she does every Monday.

When we got to my driveway she said, “Thank you for driving. I love your company. I’m so excited to sketch,” and she was lingering by her door. I put my lunchbox, backpack and jacket down. She walked around the front of my car and embraced me tight. We both took deep breaths. I kissed her cheek.

I said that I would be starting breath work, which is concentrating deeply on your breath and moving it in a guided fashion through your body with a guide. I had mentioned previously that all the talk therapy that I’ve done has run its course. I said that when she gave me feedback about not breathing, I knew that was some work that I should do. She said, “You weren’t breathing at all!” I said, “You make my heart race!” She said, “You really like to make me blush!” I said, “While that’s true, right now, I’m just being honest.”

I like this slow and somewhat deliberate expansion between Batman and I ❤ She is part of what I’m thinking about and hopeful for this spring.

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Repairs

I think that I’m renewing my energy. I have a new house loan. I am doing electrical work. I have a new cooler. I’ll have wall insulation in my kitchen and two back bedrooms. We have a neighbor family texting system that I used to find an electrician and begin learning some electric stuff with the help of my neighbor.

Electrical Work

The electrician rewired the basement so that now in my son’s old room the switches just work and are powered. You no longer have to turn on the switch on the west side of the Rec Room. He’s going to make a junction box exchange to the solar box so that the old and defunct Federal Pacific brand breaker box doesn’t function. It’s not that breakers flip all the time or anything, but rather that it’s archaic and not completely grounded. I want a safe house with no risk of fire. Federal Pacific only makes commercial products these days. The electrician also switched out 10 outlets in my house today. He had to replace two switches entirely–one of which had been grounded by the old contractor who remodeled my kitchen in 2004. The electrician explained that 85% of my house is grounded, so it’s really more of a matter of getting a majority of my switches changed to Ground-Fault Circuit Interrupter (GFCI) ones. Two in my bedroom had no boxes and were hanging basically, so he had to use new boxes altogether to get those outlets to be GFCI. He’ll be back next Saturday to make the new panel and hook it via a junction box to the breaker that has the solar panels working.

Cooler

I have a new contractor who is great. He had done work on sheetrock, a broken door, and rehung a mirror with tasteful metal clips. He installed a new evaporative cooler on Saturday. All of it, which will include summer setup was under $2500. I’d been quoted 10k for that in 2022 and suffered last summer with no cooler at all. The Realtor told me that she knew of a company who could do it for 7k. I’m so grateful that I’ve found this contractor and his company so I could shave $4500 or more off of that price!

Insulation

Years ago some mice got inside my garage and went inside some walls. It was gross. I have blown in extra insulation 2-3 times, but my house is still really cold. You can feel cold air rushing out of the bottoms of my kitchen cabinets and plates and mugs feel like ice when you take them out. I have given to warming them in the oven before I serve dinner. I’ve found an insulation company that will take out all the old fiberglass, clean and sanitize the attic, seal all the rafters, joists, seams, and baffles in my roof, install a reflective eshield, blow in new insulation to the max level, and then fill the walls in the bedrooms and around the cabinets with fiberglass from the attic down. It’s going to be so much warmer in the morning and no more cold dishes or mugs!

Learning some electric

We’d had a metal ceiling plate with two lightbulb fixtures in it with wires and a pretty dragonfly light fixture in the linen closet for many years. Electricity scares me. My neighbor across the street is the son of an electrician. Today, he came over and showed me how to remove a ceiling plate and expose wires and taught me what a plastic nut for electrical wires is. He wired in the new ceiling plate, shortened the middle nut, tightened it in and then got the new light fixture installed. He did it in 10-minutes. The nice thing is that although it will take me an hour to repeat it, I can help my colleague who almost died get a new plate in fixture in her daughter’s room now. I may surprise her at the end of the month with that as I’m no longer going to travel for a vacation.

Gratitude

I’m so happy to have my own house loan. I’m so glad that my bedroom won’t be cold in the winter and hot in the summer after Friday. I am over-the-moon with the prospect of room temperature plates and mugs. I’m so glad to have a fair contractor that I trust. I’m so happy about my new electrician. I’m going to make dinner for my neighbor (son of the electrician) and his wife right now. I’m going to buy some kosher alcohol for my neighbors who recommended this electrician. I found three pairs of jeans in great shape at two different thrift stores yesterday and they fit me perfectly! I had a good round of weights today. I’m bowling with the gay league again starting on the 11th. I’m going to write a thank you note to the angel that helped me when I was almost t-boned. I forgot to mention that the body shop has finally said that they’ll make my broken mirror right after I wrote on Google about it having noticed that they also didn’t replace my spoiler over my oil pan at all and it’s now off-kilter and has a noticeable hole. Again, my energy is renewing!

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48 Hours

I used to watch those when I’d get back to my room when I was on a solo vacation. Detectives had to make quick investigative moves within the initial exploration of a crime and there would be a countdown timer running to break up scenes and visually illustrate how cold a trail can go if you don’t have major lead for crime within two days. The climber gives me feedback, has dinner with me, we look at two published books which fit best the genre that we’re writing in, she talks about being excited to sketch, we cuddle on the couch and talk for probably nearly two hours, later we kiss awhile too in the bedroom, she goes home to her partner, I work all day the next day and learn about affirming transgender youth, have fraud on my debit card, go to dinner with Aquarius and Ballet Dancer, get up today, am going to box, do a bit of the guitar class and go to our old haunt for bowling. Whew.

Love Life Progression

She had something really intense happen in her household. She had to support, drive around, and then did make it over. Initially she said that she didn’t really want to talk about it, and then she told me details. I held her incredibly tight. When I said, “I’m shocked that you’re here,” she said, “You of all people are someone who understands these things.” She said that she needed distraction, so I opened good tequila, and we had that and the taco soup that I made. I cleared the dishes and we looked at the pages. She gave me some feedback and I took notes. Then I said that we should sit down. I got her a blanket and we were talking. My terrier was in between us and I said that she was a cuddle buzzkill because I am mostly legs and she’s really muscular so our torsos aren’t a perfect fit sideways on a love seat. She moved my dog, pivoted sideways and I slid behind her. We talked like that for probably close to two-hours.

There is a huge shift since the end of January wherein I told her that I don’t know her well. She offers a lot to me. She also converses with me back and forth when I ask questions. It feels so much different than it ever has. She told me that she watches my hands on the steering wheel and I told her that her ears are the cutest ones that I have ever seen and I look at them when her hair is up. We both said that we could probably comment on hands and ears because the nice guy would be asleep in the back of the car anyway. She can do this thing where if she has contact with your upper body that she can match the pace of your breathing. Later I laid on her chest and she said, “What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, laying on you like this makes my heart race!” She said, “You’re barely breathing.” Later she asked if she could kiss me and I said, “Of course.” I hope that helped my breathing!

No more talk therapy for me personally

The Rower has a crush on a woman who does an alternate trauma treatment. It’s called breath work. She cried for two hours once in a session. I think that I’ll do some. I also want to start supervised psychedelic treatment. I’m so sick of anxiety and disrupted sleep. I would like to work on the way that I breathe and carry myself.

My son wants to move back home. I really don’t want him here. I’ve had almost 7-months of empty nesting and am perfectly fine seeing him once a week. He also has this prince thing wherein he has expectations of meals and such all the time. I find that I can’t be around someone who cannot follow a schedule. How can watching some gamer that you don’t know beat a video game on YouTube for hours on end be fulfilling? He also has stopped moving and says that he is reluctant to have his fellow students work on him because of the state of his body. Why do you only eat food out of boxes and bags then? I’m writing this stuff, but will be diplomatic on Monday night about it. He just can’t simply move back home because now that he’s in school, and it’s hard to do school and live with his Dad. I’m very sorry that his father is an alcoholic and binge drinker. That does suck. I also am not a servant who you get to say “F-U” to constantly.

In terms of the theme of this entry, I think that I’m making progress. Maybe this entry is more like 49-years? It’s taken me this long to get solid about what I truly want and where I’m going.

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Connections

I’ve been to the art museum and the ballet with my new friend now. A few times last night I caught myself looking at her body. It’s funny, because I don’t feel a pull to kiss her or embrace close. We have great conversations and enjoyed expensive dinner and the ballet. We’ll likely see each other again soon. I explained that I don’t want strict ruled based partnerships and she told me that likely it was related to having just gotten out of my marriage and I told her that it was related to my returning to my native state. I just feel more comfortable in the magic moments with women and then having my jobs, pets, cardio, weights, boxing, climbing and guitar lessons be my side of my life. I also have creative time scheduled now. I’m going to write a prologue and epilogue today for the book.

I’m finishing “Solo: Building your own Remarkable Life.” If you’ve never listened to the podcast, it’s all new information. I’m enjoying most the small snippets about the author’s life. I think that is a ciswoman thing. Like Carol Gilligan (1982) wrote women are relational. Anyway, he writes about sexual friendships. I wonder if that is the way that I lean. I don’t know really. I know that barring any horrid emergency, no one at all can live in my house and I don’t want to blend any finances.

I’ve been transferring money out of my son’s 529c for school. I started a spreadsheet to give to my accountant next spring. I’m so glad that he’s going to school. He plays video games, looks at his phone, and hangs out with his girlfriend. This round of school will serve as evidentiary support regarding to whether or not he can set and reach goals. I don’t know, but am hopeful.

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Gearing up

I’m going to work with the climber for a couple of hours the week after next on our book. I’m looking forward to her feedback and seeing her illustrations. I told her that I’m also amenable to story changes. I want to have a couple of pictures out too, because I’m a little married to the idea of a couple of scenes that are autobiographical, so I want to show her the context of them when I was growing up and a child. I’m interested in her childhood too. We should add some elements from hers.

She and I commuted without the guy from work on Monday. I was talking to her about my dog and then my Dad. I said, “It’s going to be much more difficult to lose my dog than it was my Dad. I think that you know that my Dad was abusive.” She was pretty quiet. I told her that I’d done 5-years of analysis and it fixed everything and I was able to show up for everything until he died of COVID. I didn’t really grieve him per se, and made peace with all the yelling, some limited hitting and aggression, and also intimidation. I did what was right. I didn’t give these specifics that I’m writing about here, but left it at “abusive” and making peace with my childhood. Finally, I said, “I don’t want you to feel like my therapist. I want to make sure that it’s ok that you know these things about me.” She said that I know her well too, and I said, “I don’t feel like I know you very well. I just want you to feel comfortable with me when I share.”

I took her home because she doesn’t have a car right now and sometimes borrows her partner’s car. We wished each other well and we have a time and day scheduled after work on the 15th for our book. I still get fluttery with her, but I don’t make any moves because I don’t know what is on or off the table with respect to her partner and don’t want to be disrespectful. I don’t know either if she has another partner currently. Regardless, she is smart and a brilliant artist and I’m so glad to get the book going!

I went to a book launch on Thursday and it was nice. I was incredibly tired though. I left right after it was over because I had already socialized with my friend (The author who I see when I go to the co-ed discussion group.) and met a new friend. The new friend lives near me, so when I go to this group again, I’ll text her to see if she’d like me to pick her up. I’m going to the Women’s Discussion group at the end of the month. My friend who leads it is out of town with her family currently, so I’m going to bring whey protein to drink because the other facilitator doesn’t do any food.

I have my car back. It looks like a cyclops. I have a man who restores headlights on luxury cars coming to my house today to work on the passenger headlight. I’ll have to move out all of my bikes. I’m bringing my Mountain Bike inside. It’s really rainy today. It feels like April. I’m so glad to be out of the monstrous rental car with front wheel drive. It was terrible and really noisy with actual bells and whistles. It barely fit in my garage!

I got the door of my hall closet repaired. I got the sheetrock in the entryway to my basement repaired too. Oddly, right before the potluck the mirror above my stairs fell. It didn’t break and was lodged onto the cat perch where they eat and drink. The paint behind it was bright white. Who paints a house and tapes over a mirror? So careless and lazy! The contractors textured the wall, painted primer over it, and hung the mirror with subtle metal clips. The next project is finding three nice door knobs, painting all the doors, and painting the stairwell where I had a new retractable gate installed. I’ll have the painter also paint behind the mirror in the same color and match the paint that is on most of the accent wall behind my hutch. I want to do projects in my house now that I am alone in it.

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Slog

Being dedicated in difficult situations–it’s been a really long time since I’ve written here. I have been in a rental car for a month this weekend. I have front wheel drive, which is truly hideous when it snows. I fishtail off of lights in snowpack that has ice under it. I also dropped off my car on the 15th–finally–because that is when they could take it in and had to walk and bus to get home. I had to wait for the first and second bus and didn’t bother with the third because it was too cold to wait for it. The rental car was in my garage. 6-below was no joke. I definitely realized after walking the last 2.56-miles that I could never be an alpinist. Mad respect for those folks though. I took off my snow pants and had purple legs.

I couldn’t even stay at work on Monday. I saw all five clients and then took 4-hours of sick leave. When I came home, I began scrubbing the kitchen. That included sitting on the floor and scrubbing the bevel and the lip under the counter where it meets the cabinets. I also cleaned the backsplashes completely too. I used the hours wisely and felt like who I could be if I could work half-days.

My son turns 18 tomorrow. I think that he’s been in a hotel for days with his girlfriend. He has spotty cell service. I’ll see him a bit on Sunday. He starts school midway through February. I think that he’ll make the same choices that I did. He’ll marry as a child–I was 23–and divorce at some point. I wonder if he’ll remarry as I did.

Vegan is so kind to me. I just don’t like her in a romantic way. The Climber is a massive flirt and I plan to show her briefly the book on the 29th. I’m glad that she’ll illustrate it for me. I will likely meet some new women on Saturday. I will tally how many come to the potluck.

Sunday I have to grade and draw a little bit. I’ll be coming off of the buzz in my house and all the overheard conversation porn. I hope that women make good connections in my home.

This beach moves under your feet and makes hills that are like snowbanks. The PNW is also no joke.
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Review / Renew

Goals from 372 days ago were:

  1. Calm and cool
  2. Spend less
  3. Do you
  4. Lift like a girl
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption
  6. Get big
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart
  8. Sing
  9. Play guitar

With the exception of some massive bursts of anger, I did it all. I couldn’t do #1 while being jerked around by the contractors who were fixing the house to ready it for sale. However, that could’ve been worse. During New Year’s Eve conversation a woman who is new to told me that hers and her now ex-husband had 30k in hail damage to their house, so their proceeds are still not settled. I just have to pay capital gains taxes and close Probate and then I’ll set up an Estate for my son. Easy-peasy, but boy did I lose it off and on all summer!

I went to the woman’s house who typically leads our Discussion Group for a NYE party. This is the women’s Discussion Group. So fun. She did have the desire for me to start dating the writer, but I don’t want to. She’s fairly quiet, has very crooked teeth that are in need of cleaning, and I just want her to be in my friends circle. She’ll come to my potluck. I’m actually very attracted to the woman who leads our group. Her husband said that I should sleep with her and he should sleep with their dog. The latter was really scared about the NYE fireworks. I thought that it was a nice offer, but I had to get home to my dogs who had pooped in the house. 

I worked 4-days last week. I’m also finally laying out the children’s book that I’ve wanted to write for 5-6 years. I have another idea for another book too. You’re supposed to have an agent. I want the climber to illustrate it for us. I texted her about it today, and it would be great to have it completed in draft to hand to her on Monday. We commuted with the nice guy to work and one of her partners picked her up after work as he needed her to drive him to the airport. I’m so glad that she is partnered with an elite athlete. It’s nice to be with someone that you have ton in common with! She sent a group text to me and two colleagues for the New Year, and I didn’t get it for an hour-and-a-half because I was leaving the house party. I’m also leaving that assignment for my job starting in the fall. I don’t want to have any toxic bosses.

  1. Say “Yes” to social obligations
  2. Box more
  3. Climb more
  4. Practice guitar 5-minutes + per day
  5. Publish a children’s book
  6. Sing daily
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Angels

I was completing my second to last errand on the 23rd, and made a turn from a busy street onto a normally typical city trafficked street in a mostly commercial area of town. I was in the right lane and there was another car traveling in the same direction barely ahead of me in the left lane. Suddenly, there was a car heading across the lanes and I swerved, applied my brakes, but he still hit me. I pulled into the parking lot. He said, “Sorry, I didn’t think that I was ever going to make it across that street!” and then he went into a dispensary. I was disoriented and shaking. A woman in the large parking lot across the street started yelling at me. She and I tried to talk across four lanes of traffic and a turn lane as she was at the edge of the parking lot that the man had torn out of. Finally, I heard what she kept shouting, “He hit you!” It happened so fast and my vision of him was blocked until he was right there. There had been a car in the other lane traveling in the same direction that I was, so I couldn’t really process what had happened. I walked across the now busy street.

Her daughter had developmental disabilities. She was convinced that the driver was drunk. His face was really red when he was shouting at me. He was still in the dispensary. Because I couldn’t stop shaking, I called 911. She and I took pictures of each other’s licenses and she told me about the guy selling flowers. He was on the other corner of the parking lot with paint buckets of roses. He had been shouting too, and was upset by the guy hitting me as well as were this woman and her daughter. She kept telling me that she would be a witness and so would the man selling roses.

The guy did eventually come out of the dispensary and the woman with me started yelling across the lanes of traffic at him. He was laughing and smiling, and finally realized that there was a problem. He said, “I thought that I hit a curb!” It was the weirdest thing in the world. The police did respond. They eventually did allow me to go and gave me a business card with a case number on it and told me to give that to my insurance company and tell them that I was the no fault driver. He had expired license plates, and was in a fancy company luxury car that had other damage at the back and when the police asked him about that he said, “Oh, that’s been there. That’s another time.” He also produced a little folio with commercial car insurance. When I got home and could think about things logically I noticed the policy was for the years 2014-2015.

On Christmas Eve, I woke up at 4 and just got out of bed a bit before 5 when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I called the number on his policy and 45-minutes later was able to make a claim. He must actually be insured. They took the claim. I’ll call them again on Tuesday. In fact, I’ll call them every day until January 2nd when I have to go back to one of my jobs.

The first angel was the woman. The second angel was her daughter. I think that folks who have intellectual disabilities are plugged into other planes and see things that others don’t. I think some of it is safety mechanisms and other aspects are related to other gifts. The next angel was LA. Last night, she took me to the Christmas Eve dinner party and took me home. It was way out of her way and too much extra driving. The next angel appears tonight and it’s the woman from my bowling team who is taking me to her friends’ house tonight. They’re a married couple from her soccer team, and I’ve already met one of the women when we went out one Saturday afternoon when an Irish pub was closing and it was their last weekend. I haven’t met her wife and will tonight. 

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Ranking

“Open” was wonderful. (I’m on a memoir kick right now, as I’d read “A Serial Killer’s Daughter” and am currently reading “The Snipers We Couldn’t See.” I did read “Lessons in Chemistry” last month too, but it was just my quick jaunt into fiction for a moment in time.) This particular memoir covers multiple years of a primary relationship which had iterations of monogamy, poly-mono, swinging and also some ranked relationships with some friendship between a few of the metamours.

I can recommend this memoir absolutely. Rachel Krantz’s narrative is vulnerable and raw. I think, too, that I could relate to being a secondary partner by reading her reflections. I’m absolutely going to listen to her podcast today. 

When I was with Motor Cycle Woman, who I just can’t call the drunk anymore, I became her secondary partner. I was fine with it too. What I wasn’t fine with was feeling energy from her primary all the time and I think it was mostly due to me knowing so many things about her primary. We never met and I never actually saw her–not even a picture. Motor Cycle Woman used me like a therapist really. She was seeing all kinds of women for months and then settled on me and her primary. 

I know that Motor Cycle Woman eventually subbed her out and made me primary. That was when she went back to monogamy too. Likely the only reason she did that was because at the time I wanted an escalator relationship and she moved 6 states away. She was only poly for 2-3 years. I do struggle generally with people who say that it’s just lifestyle. From my experience it’s like sexuality and is wiring. 

I had a good conversation with her last November or December, and then when I talked to her again in the dead of winter I was on speaker in her and her wife’s car and the conversation sucked. I wonder how she views her intimate relationships now, but I won’t find out because I have no contact with her. I can assume some though as when I changed my FB profile picture she did the thumbs up like it along with 65 other people. I guess although I’m pushing 50, a black cocktail dress and heels is still sexy.

The year is coming to a close. I’m thinking about my next decade. Half a century.

I think that the women who I know currently would consider me secondary or very loosely tertiary like a satellite or comet. One may not consider me at all at present because we had one very good conversation and haven’t seen each other again although we were drawn to each other. I want to be really careful as I enter into relationships so as to avoid completely the therapeutic component. Meeting metamours would help. I think that I’d just listen and not encourage or make comments at all. Then, I’d like to say what I know from my recent experiences and perspective. I don’t think my experiences with non-ethical non-monogamy in high school and college are part of the current conversation. There are elements of primacy and rank that I’d like to talk through.

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Is that a cat in your purse?

So, the bar wherein we had flip cup for kickball in late summer early fall now has karaoke on Wednesdays. The music was really low, so I’ll have to communicate more with the KJ when we go back so I can sing well. I met LA there. She’s been my friend for probably 20-years or so and was so gorgeous when we were in our 20s. I had boxing last night; she was already there when I changed and met her.

I had been boxing before, and now I love it and have resigned myself that I’m just going to bang up my hands somewhat. I can’t NOT box, climb, cut vegetables or play guitar. And, gracious, do I love to box. It’s AMAZING. 

One of my friends from our summer bowling team showed up with her cousin later and met LA and I to eventually sing. It was fun, but my friend had been drinking earlier, hit a wall, and her cousin had to take her home because she was wasted. I ate a semi-greasy Bahn Mi, because the regular kitchen isn’t open on Tuesday or Wednesday, so I walked around the sandwich shop. I was so sad. I wanted their seared brussels sprouts with thick balsamic vinegar and chunks of blue cheese. I may have to get those today, actually. I may.

LA and I sang, hung out with sculpted gay men who sang like Broadway singers and I even danced a little with a handsome professional singer. Ha. Probably because I’d just been boxing. Dancing is so scary. Such nice and talented guys there. Also, the man whom I danced with is from the same town that LA is in Louisiana. Cool connections and fun all around.

Later, a woman came in with her boyfriend and had an orange tabby in her handsewn bag. The bar was so loud. I was immediately concerned. Although a majority of singers were show quality, there was still some elements of cacophony and discord, and the cat was unphased. I had to go back and forth and pet the big boy. I learned later that they’re all from GA, he’s 11, and was an outdoor cat until now because it snows here. I loved that life became a movie that I enjoyed which I saw with my ex-wife (“Boundaries” 2018). Who knew that cats like the bar?

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Why?

I had a great time at the movie last night. I’m so glad that Vegan organized it and the married women who accompanied her were really cool and I hope that she brings them to our potluck. We chatted and joked at the intermission between films. I like this idea about a queer women’s circle. 

I subscribe to NYT. Their reporting is balanced and deep. Between them and my local NPR station, I think that I know what is going on. I can’t wait to listen to “The Daily” today because concussive traumatic effects are happening in young people now. Doctors know given scans, MRIs, and postmortem interviews of families talking about hospital visits and changes to their sons.

Why do we have an obsession with football in this country? Have you even watched it lately? It’s a little bit of running, a flag thrown down, a long commercial break, back to the refs walking around, some verbal exchanges and another commercial break. Rinse, lather, repeat.

My son was always super tall for his age. He’s just a hair under 6-feet at his present 17, but he towered over everyone since he was in daycare. He played a lot of soccer. Years of it actually, and was able to make his team via tryouts in middle school. He has run track, he has played club basketball, and is a very good baseball player. I can’t tell you how many times men would watch him move as a 6, 7, 8, and 9-year-old on the field for practice and tell me that he’s a full back. 

He played one season of flag in 2013. He didn’t like it very much, and the ONLY reason he played that was because our rec center didn’t have soccer that particular spring and he is a nightmare when he isn’t playing sports. I knew about the Parkinson’s link, found it boring, and have some friends with ruined knees, so he wasn’t really allowed to play it. When the bulk of the pandemic lifted in his sophomore year, many of his friends from middle school were playing it as now high school students, and he told me that he wanted to. Given the massive weight gain that has not subsided even now, I cheered him on to do so. He didn’t try out for the team.

I love watching soccer and basketball. When I went to a couple of rugby games, I really liked it too. I can’t even stand the noises that football practice emits. It sounds like plastic breaking. I’m writing this entry today because I think that the rules need to be overhauled or the sport shouldn’t be allowed for men under 25. Know your risks and have a fully operational prefrontal cortex before you chose something dangerous to play.

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Paths

We had a such a great day together. I met up with Ballet Dancer and her black lab and got to the trail when the sun was high in the sky. It was warm until we got higher and then I was grateful for the LL Bean Thinsulate jacket that my Mom had bought me many years ago. I love it for outdoor activities and it’s a green thing because the material is mostly recycled. My Mom bought me a suit, this jacket and a long wool jacket. She gave great gifts. ❤

My altitude conditioning leaves a bit to be desired. We only snowshoed just under three-miles, but I want to get back up there soon. There’s a really funny story here too. I needed lots of help with my snowshoes. The ratchet clip and the teeth on the straps was confusing. I got them going though. Some packaging was accidentally left on and it’s helpful packaging for when you snowshoe.

Look at the snowshoe on the right. That plastic helped me on the trail! I want another piece.

I thought that my other snowshoe was missing a piece, so I went back to the outdoor store last night and the saleswoman explained in a non-sarcastic and kind way that it was the way that they had to be packaged safely. She didn’t say, “Dipshit, this is packaging, and can be removed.” She was so kind and didn’t even seem to be thinking that. She talked about this process is one in which inventions are made. I told her that she should get stock options and she introduced herself formally to me. Ha. So, I tried to email MSR today and it didn’t go through. I’m going to call them. I want another plastic piece because my other foot got cold. It’s not just packaging. Swear.

We bonded so beautifully yesterday. We went back to where Ballet Dancer had parked after our snowshoe and talked at a brewery. I had a bad moment of getting too hot though and was close to fainting. We were sitting by the fire and I can’t do that for very long obviously. The worst thing for me is a hot tub or hot spring. I just had to tell Ballet Dancer about the time that I fainted by a drain in the bathroom of a mountain resort during my ex-wife’s and my engagement trip. My ex-wife has this thing about drains (terror). Not only that, but I was right by a discarded Band Aid and had a feather stuck to me. It became a thing. ”No, you’re by a drain! There’s a dirty Band Aid! Why is there a feather?” I didn’t faint yesterday, and instead lifted my hair and laid on a leather couch while the nausea subsided. Ballet Dancer asked me if it was a hot flash, and I told her that thankfully, I don’t get those. I have never tolerated heat well though. It raises my blood pressure too much. Thus, no hot tubs for me and no hour by the fire obviously. I have fainted in the shower before too.

The only thing that really sucks is that she had just started talking to me about her life path and belief system when I almost fainted. I wish we’d picked up that thread of conversation again. She could be my daughter. I actually thought that I was pregnant at 22 and was excited, but I either lost it, or was never pregnant. She is drawn to older women, and thankfully, I’m in really good physical shape so I can do outdoor stuff with her. I’m so glad that she took that climbing class where I met her. I love having her in my life and want to learn more about her old soul journey.

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Bridge

I met Rower, Vegan and the Realtor for a walk yesterday after I lifted weights. Rower and I had a giggle about that one. I said that I was lifting so would park elsewhere and walk over to the lot that I put in the calendar notice that I sent. When I saw her, and went over to give her a big hug, she said, “Why didn’t you drive? You took a Lyft?” Hahaha. I told her it was all about the “i” and not the “y.” She’s so great. I’m very lucky to have her in my life. She’s smart and reflective.

There isn’t even a touch of anything between the Realtor and I. It reminds me of some curriculum that you can use with clients who have cognitive or developmental delays–we do the Green Far Away Hug Circle. It helps actually, because then I won’t think about her. She was super interested in how we all met, so we explained it as best as we could. It’s kind of funny, because Rower, Vegan and I are all divorced now. I’m the only one who doesn’t want an escalator again. They’re actually good examples. I don’t have one friend. I have tons of friends, so I would rather see 2-5 women. Expecting someone to be everything for you gets too riddled with expectations and demands and frankly too much uninterrupted time together. Gross. I still want magic.

I was going to go to some lakes today with Ballet Dancer, The access road is closed so we’re going to go to the base of three high peaks and see if that access road is open, and if not, we’re going to go through a mountain pass to another snowshoeing route. I’m finally retiring Motorcycle Woman’s snowshoes. Historically, I’ve only been with women who were taller than me and she was just a hair under 6′. Her snowshoes don’t really work for me; although, I’ve used them 5-6 times. I’m trading them in for store credit at 10 am and then hitting the highway to meet Ballet Dancer. Prior to then, I will buy snowshoes for myself.

My ex wife and I hiked up to a lake right before Christmas of 2018–her snowshoes were overtightened, brand-new, but wouldn’t open, so I took off my snowshoes all together eventually so as to be fair.

It was cool to walk with these four women today. When we got back to the car, having logged over 13,000 steps together, they asked what we’d do next and we’d been toying with a queer women circle. Not a Meet Up; although, that would be possible for things not at my house, but a group. 

We’re going to find a snowshoe route today no matter what!

We put a date on the calendar and I just titled it Homo Potluck. I hope that Libra comes, as she got back together with her ex and moving back to the south in three-months, so it would be a last time to see her. The Realtor is inviting 6 people. I’ll make a salad and a taco bar, and will get two large bottles of Montepulciano de Abruzzo and of course have beer. For the former, I’ll have vegetarian and vegan options. Speaking of which, I’m reading “Open,” which is a memoir and the reflection on being Vegan is revolting. There was a piece of about using animals for your own pleasure and eating their secretions. It made my stomach flip around. Yuck. 

I miss my women. The host had another baby so I won’t see any of them until next month. I’ve gone to the other group twice, but don’t feel as pulled there. Likely some of it is setting because with my other group we sit around a living room and she cooks. It’s just different in a party room at a restaurant. I’ll keep going though, because I love the author and want her to continue being my mentor.

I’m going to walk my dogs, take a good shower and then head downtown for snowshoe work. Then, it’s up to the mountains! I can’t wait to see Ballet Dancer and catch up with her.

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Boxing

I’m going to do a boxing conditioning class today. I can’t wait. I love to box, but my hands are fragile and no matter how I tape them, they swell like crazy. They actually swell with lots of things: climbing, guitar, too much cooking–meaning using the knife. However, I soak them in Epsom salt when they’re giving me trouble.

Today there is about 3-inches of snow in my backyard. They’re way less in the front, but there is ice. I’ll have to shovel the driveway completely so there aren’t any hazards before I drive to class. I’m drinking coffee and writing.

I picked up the Climber at a collision place on Monday. The nice guy and I were already in the car and she was pretty stressed out. I worked (on site) for the University in the afternoon after seeing clients and simply shut my door and put a sign on it, as I’d taken personal leave. I was still interrupted twice, but not while I was in Zoom. It was dead silent on the drive back home until the Climber made a comment about the light in the sky. We dropped off the nice guy and then the Climber and I talked. When we got to the collision place, she seemed stressed out again. She wants to buy snow tires after they fix her car given that she has just had an accident. Has technology changed a lot? Can you drive on hot asphalt with your snow tires on your car? When I snowshoed in the mountains this March, I noticed sections of the road were missing near a tunnel to get home. I’m ok doing winter driving, but I can’t say that I love it. I’ve not had any accidents at all since a week after my son had his T & A procedure. I think it was 2008. I drive slow and watch the road when conditions are bad. They’re bad today and pretty icy because it’s 20 degrees outside, so I’ll be very cautious driving to boxing.

I’ve been texting with the Realtor. I love making friend connections and have organized a walk with Rower, Vegan, she and I. That is going to be fun. I’ve warned her that she and I will walk and Vegan and Rower will “walk.” I walk fast, and they are much faster than me. Probably less to do with the pace and more to do with them being taller than me. I’m looking forward to the overheard conversation porn.

Vegan texted about a mountain film fest in the next town over two Mondays from now. I would be very disappointed if it sold out, so I bought a ticket and donated money before I started writing. Hopefully, she will go too, but it’s a movie, so it doesn’t matter if I go alone. I saw “Renaissance” alone last Friday. It was great. I’ll be up in that area two days in a row, so I really wish that I had a house and pet sitter. There’s a really charming B & B that my son and I stayed at when he learned to snowboard up there, and that would be wonderful. Ballet Dancer and I are snowshoeing some lakes in a forest the day before. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her and she has a bf now. He’s beyond fit.

Our group was fun on Monday night. The author was setting up the room when I got there so I gave her a big hug and then she sat with me again after people got there. We’re finally going to grab dinner in January. Her sweetheart’s boyfriend sat with us and I am going to commission him to make some art of my cat. Speaking of which, I want to lay out my children’s book. I’ll cartoon it a little, and then I want to ask the Climber to draw for me. That would be great if I could have it all laid out by January 5th. I have so much more bandwidth for creative pursuits now that my son doesn’t live with me and my parents’ estate will close this spring.