Category Archives: Thoughts

These entries are thematic in terms of what occurs to me after reading, writing, spending time outside or sitting and musing about the way my life appears to be going. They are my lil’ ephiphanies

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Suckage

I’m foul today.  It’s also way too hot all of a sudden.  I’m so pissy and mean that I know that I can’t even workout tonight.  At least I got a walk in with my son, but I had to wake him up way too early to take breakfast over for my Dad.  At least we only had to stay at my folks’ house for a couple hours, but with the childhood that I had (seriously) it is increasingly hard for me to feign happiness.  I can do the propriety and respectfulness, but that’s it.

She texted yesterday.  It made me really mad.  When is she going to leave me alone?  It is you, who won’t go to counseling with me!  It is you who can’t answer simple questions.  It is you who started this downward spiral and shitty pattern of push after the first of the year, so now you need to back off any contact, because you have no intention of coming down here to see me.

Damn her anyway.  She started all of this bullshit and says that we both had a hand in it.  Want to know the truth?  We did.  Because I let her treat me like shit for nearly four-months.  Now, I’m just angry and want her to leave me be.

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Thinking of what once was

Maybe it’s harder to put the nail in the coffin rather than have a woman tell you to fuck off.  I don’t know…  I can tell you that after her texting me over and over and starting it all at 7, and telling me that she would be relentless until I get it, put me in the most messed state that I have ever been in to date.  Makes my coming out affair, which also meant that I had to tell the world that I’m gay, and switching jobs, single parenting, and living alone except for my 21-month-old all within 4-months seem manageable.  I can’t stop crying and it’s totally fucked when what her texts and phone calls have yielded is that she still is in love with me and this will be the choice that I forever regret.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W-yA_gtmDo

I have no idea.  I just can’t navigate the push-pull anymore.  I want someone into me and open with me when I trigger her.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m abrasive and straightforward.  I need a girl who asks me questions or puts the halt on me right away.  I feel like she tends to just use things later anyway.  It’s like an attorney or detective who is looking for evidentiary support for why she wins.  I don’t want a competition.  I just want to work with a partner.  I sure as hell don’t want to feel like this much longer, but I won’t be taking her back.

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Daily Grind

One would think since I had yesterday off that today would have been less tiring, but it wasn’t.  I at least had two cups before I left which always makes the ride in less like I am in a drunken stupor.  It should be noted that I don’t drink every night.  I’m just that addicted to caffeine, and have not been drunk in the morning since 1997 when I was watching the brown and white tile spin in my Victorian Horror and Fantasy class. A good class, that.  I was talking with my work wife about “She” today, which was an odd book that we read in that summer course.  I told her that now I really understand, “She-who-must-be-obeyed.”  I tend to date her.  At least twice.

Anyway there was a scant amount of coffee left in the pot prior to my 6:30 am departure, and my regular thermos is obscene, so I couldn’t transfer it there.  I filled up my ceramic mug that I had today–one of my favorites, my Virgo mug, circa 1995–and then put the rest in my thermos from elementary school.  I have since lost the metal box, but love this thermos; although, it holds little coffee, but made me happy.

I just wish that I hadn’t gotten my “Masters of the Universe” one stolen. That one was awesome–I miss Skeletor, with the exception of his awful voice.

I always drink coffee out of ceramic mugs.  I am at best, persnickety, and at worse, uptight in bizarre ways.  Thing is that I don’t really give a shit.  My gf calls me neurotic and I don’t care about that either.  Currently, I’m drinking one of the best seasonals that one of my favorite microbreweries makes right now, but the whole previous theme of disgust brings me to their main spring seasonal, which leaves a film on the roof on one’s mouth that is like drinking coffee out of styrofoam.  I loathe it.

I did like my coffee today.  I did not like my 10.5 hour work day.  I will not like my 8.5 one tomorrow either, but the good thing is that my son’s Godfather is going to teach me gear 101 tomorrow after work (Which brings me back to this microbrew that is BOMB).  That way, I won’t be humiliated on the bike on Thursday and Friday with my gf.  Why I am with a triathlete again?  Oh, wait, that’s right.

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Ride and the Drawing Board

So, she is either as the 80s film protagonist says, “monumentally busy,” or she is not going to contact me.  That’s cool.  It was really fun to flirt and honestly felt like a coup to get her number, so I have no regrets regarding leaving her a message.  I’m back in dating land, and with five-years of experience I know to expect unpredictability.  What I want to avoid is an FB.  Those get complicated, and I’m afraid don’t seem to work with girls.  They tend to get feelings for you.  I was shocked when my last FB moved 6-states away and then told me that she had fallen in love with me.  That yielded commuting for over a year for both of us.  What starts as sex probably always has that superficial flavor, and is not what I’m looking for.  I’m looking for a partner, and will even delay sex this time, and I haven’t done that ever.  I’m going to mix it up.

I biked 24-miles yesterday on my new bike.  It was beautiful, but difficult.  I don’t get the shifting too well.  I didn’t get too many pictures because my riding companion, who I have known for over 23-years, had to take her kids somewhere at 10, but I did snap a couple on the water.  One I put on my social networking page, and one I’ll add here because I want my blog to have a positive and life-oriented approach.

From the Reservoir

I’m assuming that I will need some lessons and probably should take it back to the bike shop this week, because it needs some adjustments.  The seat is at a bad angle in general, and made me sore, and when he showed me the shifting, he was spinning the wheel, which is hard to coordinate when you are still very tripped out on the very light frame.  I’m going to see a buddy of mine today or this week and get some specs, I will take it to the shop after a couple more rides, and I’m going to order a manual from the company.

Riding a bike is really a good analogy for finding a girlfriend.  You don’t really forget how to do it, but you need to see what she responds to, what she prefers and do shifting correctly.  Every path requires different handling by you or you can throw off the course.  Some girls (not to be confused with the album by the Stones) don’t really know how they want you to approach them and don’t help you navigate the curves on the path.  Other girls are just easygoing and approachable, and you may try but it’s not the time to take the trip or do they desire to take one with you.  You have to just keep getting on it and riding it out.  I can do that.

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Embrace healing

I have had two very low days.  I have been very sick again too, which is getting very old and work has been a complete hell for two days.  I can blame just the latter on the full moon.  I’m thinking that at this stage, I will start to feel some pain, and I think that I am.  Part of me gets like Missy Higgins lyrics at times as well. “I’m a little tired of feeling like the bad fruit nobody buys.”  I know that I will be fine on my own and without a partner, but it does get old.  Very old.  Having not tired of single parenting to the degree that I would be with someone who says awful things to me and thinks of me in disrespectful terms, I won’t respond to her or do I want her back per se, but I do feel a bit hollow.

I think that it is honestly time for me to embrace this part of my journey anyway.  I should reflect on everything that I learned from this seven-month relationship.  In fact, I think that before I go to bed, I’ll read one actual handwritten journal entry that I completed and then I will reflect on what I learned and how I have evolved.  I know what I’m looking for and most of it still entails compromise.

Unsettling to me is that both of these last two women (3-years of my life) have been control freaks.  I don’t want that aspect, but rather want to be with a woman who talks through things with me.  I think that I backslid with my last one, actually.  The drunk did want to do what was right for all parties, but she couldn’t.  My last ex thought that she had all the answers.  I’m fine with learning and discovering.  I think now it’s time for me to learn and discover what I have gathered from my last relationship so I can heal.

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I’ll bet you miss me

So, I’m selfish and negative and can’t be light, but who won’t stop communicating with me?  I wanted to punch her in the face tonight for e-mailing.  The worse thing is that now I owe a good friend a microbrew tour.  I thought that she’d respect it, but I was wrong.  She doesn’t know my schedule anymore or she doesn’t realize that she had a Monday, but she only managed 5-days.  Better get used to it, _____, because I will send you a birthday card.  That’s it.

I think that probably this action can be construed as competition, but it is more that I don’t want to give mixed messages.  Completely cooling our contact until the end of summer will mean that for me, and I’m hoping to be rid of the toxicity by then so I can move forward completely.

I actually–shameful–missed the drunk on Sunday and a little today, but I realized that it was not, in fact, her who I missed, but it was rather that I missed how seamlessly we got along when she wasn’t craving or just over the line with one too many swallows.  Except for days at a time, which would turn to my talking to a stone or getting lashed out at, my most recent ex and I did not have times like this consistently.  In fact, those times sustained eventually stopped after the New Year.  It was waiting for the guillotine.

I’m looking for consistent.  I’m looking for balance.  I will not do anything that throws me off center or involves toxicity.  I’m done with this chapter and incredulous that she and I will ever be anything but two people who were once deeply and madly in love, but could not make a relationship work.  And I really don’t need anymore friends.

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Human Behavior

We tend to reflect on what didn’t go right when we end a relationship.  I think that it is fairly natural to sort through things that occurred in our previous love relationships and then be able to list hosts of reasons that they didn’t work based on interactions.  I think that my last girl was deliberately provocative, and not forthcoming with what was irritating her, so it was easier for her to lash out.  I really liked this picture–I think that it is accurate too:

I think that is why I blog about it, because it will be an aspect of my self-of-therapist activities and help me get rid of some of the negativity that I swallowed up instead of saying, “I’m having trouble putting up with this criticism.”  I don’t wish that I had done that, because I think just letting her go forward with rage and reckless abandon is probably how she is when she is under duress, and that is not someone with whom I want to build a life.

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Shared Meaning

I can tell you what I’m looking for…  Not a woman who is exactly like me, but one who is open to discovering with me and has that sense of adventure.

I’m not sure that I have been approximating what a well-lived life is, because sometimes I am not balanced, so I’d rather reflect on I what everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus.  So, at least for today, I will write about what I value.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  The sound of water creates pause in my whole being.  I also like the noise that water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up.  When you begin a summit there is water around typically and I love knowing that growth is implicit in my surroundings.

Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy.  Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations.  Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that just unfold naturally, and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.  Organic flow is what I really mean when I think of adventure.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are somethings that I also value.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, around trails or on a singletrack.  I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.  I am sooooo looking forward to my new road bike.  I can’t wait to take her on her virgin ride and see a sunrise on her.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, and that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful and teach me things that I don’t know yet.  I’m prone to fantasy, but it is not just an escape for me, but rather I tend to think of it as what I see in my mind’s eye as a possible future.  When I imagine this partner, in one fantasy, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did.  She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near loud rushing water when the table is up and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets.  She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.
That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my sense of meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team (as co-parent that is my more pragmatic side, but is equally important for my shared meaning that I hope to have).  Life is like rushing water, but your partner can hold your hand, be by your side, or simply look into your eyes and you know you are together.  My sense of meaning comes from the knowledge that although independent, I am not alone.