Category Archives: Winter 25/26

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Puzzle

I had written this entry in July of 2013 which was just a tiny bit before I would start dating my ex-wife. I am going to add more pictures to the entry alongside some of my current considerations.

For years, I would say, “Everyone has baggage, but the art of relationship is finding your matching set.”  However, now that I’m pushing 40, it’s not really a “matching set” per se, but it’s complementary pairing.  Sounds easy, but after you’ve had several dating experiences, you can see that it is not as simple as it sounds.

These go together

These go together

Given the imperfections and, in fact, rather annoying things that all of us tend to do, it’s exceptional when those flaws are not “deal breakers.”  Some things just simply go fine together.  Other things cause sparks and friction like you wouldn’t believe.  Actually, I think that you do (probably) believe it or have experienced it.

I tend toward odd worries and don’t always trust that things will eventually work themselves out.  I also put up with far too much for too long, because I figure, relationships are hard.  Accepting my journey has helped.

I think that there is a complimentary set for most of us.  I also think that we tend to seek out qualities that are either part of us, or those that we have somewhere deep in the recesses of what is our true selves.  Even when a relationship ends, we can reflect on what changed for us, note growth, and learn to seek again what made us stay or alter the way in which we see things.

Oftentimes, I find some of my writing immature. This entry (above which was entitled “Complimentary Set”) was one that I woke up in mind today. I thought that I would give it a reread. I find that much of it is still salient for me. There are a few of the topics within it which I believe firmly almost 13-years later.

You can like someone a whole helluva lot and she can trigger the shit out of you.

I am not as much of a worrier generally since microdosing psilocybin for 13-months now. I also don’t believe anymore that little things will work themselves out. You’re compatible with someone for a longer term connection or you’re simply not. At mid-life, you don’t really have the days left to string things along that don’t work for the other party and you.

I’m pragmatic.

I’m also walking into love atm, so I’m feeling romantic.

I want to remember some things about Scorpio that I can reread later. We do have complimentary sets of baggage. I don’t think that we tend towards triggering each other’s shit either. Feels to me as if we’re simply learning how to treat each other. I do like having a girlfriend and an anchor partner.

I still love lists:

  1. At the end of our first date we were across a big table from each other and she walked her fingers up my arms when I reached across it
  2. She wasn’t going to kiss me after our first date, so I held her low back and looked at her like, “Really?” and then I kissed her
  3. She told me that going away together was too soon when we were having our second date: then she kissed me passionately when she was leaving, bit me a little bit, and when she got home sent me a picture of her legs with some audio before a roaring fire (I guess that she changed her mind.)
  4. She thought that there was something wrong with the matte in a picture in our expensive hotel room–we will always have what we refer to as “The Poop Butterfly” and she can imitate the other clerk snarling at it when I brought it down to the front desk and that makes me laugh even right now as I type
  5. I like one of her friend groups and they seem to like me
  6. We burned a bundle with cedar leaves, cinnamon and orange in her fireplace when I first spent the night there and it’s for abundance, prosperity, joy, and protection
  7. Her daughter said unprompted to her that she likes me
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Establishing

It’s so odd. I feel like I have been gearing up to get ready for Scorpio.

Saturday night, I went into her house and the monstera plant was taking over the ceiling all the way through the ceiling fan. There are art–some of which she’s made–cards, figures, and literally everything that you’d expect to find in the Folk Art Museum in Santa Fe (I’m making a mental note right now that she and I should go there in March.).

Scorpio looked beautiful and welcomed me into her home and said that she’d get a fire going shortly.

Then she showed me a floor pillow that she had sowed and made for floor time.

Superficially, she’s just like my ex-wife.

Then there are 3-million points of contrast.

Scorpio had two of her own kids and cares deeply about them.

Scorpio has worked in the billing and accounting division of her company for 10-years.

Scorpio is open in a slow, deliberate and measured way.

Scorpio is bold. For example, she left to be out west and travelled the coast for 5-weeks solo. She’s unafraid to talk about anything openly and directly.

SHE ACCEPTS APOLOGIES.

We talked through our experiences with polyamory.

We both have a disdain for DADT and we’ve both had those experiences. She talked to me directly about my level of bisexuality and I explained to her that I don’t think that I would have ever engaged in male experience if I wasn’t a surviving child. I felt like I had to be “normal” and have kids and be straight. I think that she got that. I said again that I’m fine with her having a boyfriend. Scorpio made a face like she was going to throw up, so I don’t think that it will be very soon. I told her about one of my matches from Seattle and how I’m hoping that because I’m so busy next weekend that she and I will have some trouble connecting–I don’t think that my timing is right for Seattle.

Additionally, I can’t establish concurrent relationships. Scorpio’s open heartedness that she has translates into her polyamory too–she won’t have rules or boundaries with exploration of others. So I told her that historically what’s been difficult for me is my own head when my girlfriend has a date and I’m at home. Scorpio said, “You think about how much fun they’re having,” and I said, “To be honest, I obsess about hot sex that I’m not having.” Scorpio explained that being poly often means getting good with your own time and taking care of yourself.

I certainly am good at that now. I have practiced this approach for nearly 4-years at this point. I have fitness routines that I always do. I read all of the time. I socialize although I don’t drink out and about. I am a Captain of a Bowling team. I’m so busy with my friends that I couldn’t even carve out overnight time with Scorpio this upcoming weekend because she’s going to a concert on Friday and I have dinner plans with an old friend on Saturday.

I’m looking forward to having dinner with her here at my house on Thursday. She said that she’s going to find a cute vegan ice cream shop for us to go to after dinner. I’m sad about not having an overnight this weekend. We have a wonderful physical connection. I’ve been missing that for about 5-years. Scorpio was worth all the wait. I’m ready to establish a good foundation for our relationship.

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Comfort

There is no love bombing or fervor with Scorpio and I. We just enjoy each other and text when it makes sense. It’s not controlling with stupid rules that you have to follow either.

I have a secure attachment style. I have been in a few relationships which have brought out some anxious features in me, but I generally feel solid when I start seeing someone who is likely to become a GF.

It’s easy to feel comfortable with Scorpio.

I also don’t have to explain being Solo Poly. I told her on our phone date on the 25th of last month that I don’t want to ever cohabit or blend finances again and she said, “I want to live with someone again.” I said, “That makes sense, it just kills the magic for me and that’s really what I’m seeking.”

Then she didn’t force that yet instead made me a felt rose which she handed to me when she exited the parade, made wrapping paper and wrote a comic book about manifesting a Valentine. That’s magic. She brings it.

It will be interesting when she and I have dates outside our relationship. She’s very direct, so I’d imagine that we’ll just deal with all of it head-on.

I had a date with a woman who lives high in the mountains who is a Relationship Anarchist like Scorpio. She already had a BF and sent me pictures of them together. I probably would have dated her more, but we don’t have enough reciprocity in communication or chemistry. I need and crave physical input and passion.

My match from Seattle will be in town in two-weeks. I didn’t really want to go out on dates this soon, but she’s in town only for a few days. Ph.D. wanted to see me next weekend and that particular connection makes me feel like complete shit. I’d met a woman on the other app that I use–I use two–and she’s become like an OG BFF to me. I wanted her to date Ph.D. I sincerely hope that Ph.D. has no amorous feelings towards me. I don’t want weird shit. She and I are taking a walk on the 21st of next month.

I’m so comfortable with Scorpio. She cuddles and is a great kisser. I am looking forward to dinner at her place on Saturday.

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51

That’s how old I am.

That’s how many hours that I spent with Scorpio.

I told my friend whom I’d met on the dating app that was maybe not wise.

I’m so glad that it worked out.

She’s open hearted and I’m generous, so we were able to get to know each other and have some excitement build naturally.

I’m starting to get attached to her. When we fell asleep on our second night together which was Valentine’s Day we were holding hands. She drifted off more quickly than I and I could feel our heartbeats synchronizing.

I know from my ex-GF that’s oxytocin beginning to build, because I noticed that I could feel hers and my pulse in a movie theater when we were holding hands after she and I had been together almost 4-months. I’d never had that experience prior.

I certainly didn’t expect Scorpio’s and my heartbeats to synch like that after one night together.

I absolutely love kissing her. I can’t remember ever enjoying kissing someone this much. I can read and gauge how she is feeling and is moving when she kisses me. We have lovely chemistry and connection.

When we woke up on Saturday morning, she had to get all pieces of her costume coordinated for the Mardi Gras parade. Then we went to an Art Center and I began meeting her friends. They were welcoming and genuinely interested in connecting with me. That felt so encouraging.

After the parade she handed me a felt rose and kissed me. Scorpio had to remove pieces of her costume and cool off a little bit. We went with her friends to a bar that they always go to after the parade and she asked me to go to the dance floor with her. The band was good. I always find that I feel so uncomfortable on a dance floor, but I had fun watching her and her friends. After a few songs I sat down and realized that it wasn’t safe for us to have her expensive speaker and all the pieces of her costume that she made at the bar. I told her that I was going to take our things back to our hotel, which I did.

When I came back, one of her friends sat on the bench with me on the dance floor and put her arm around me and said, “I’m so glad that I got to meet you!”

Is it natural to begin contrasting relationships when you begin a new one?

I didn’t like any of my ex-GFs friends. I found them shallow and status driven.

Scorpio’s friends are entertaining and all pure love. We had lunch with them and laughed and connected. I’m not very good in a group; however, I can connect with folks 1-1 and found doing so with her friends was seamless.

I don’t like or wear gold. My ex-GF’s daughter picked out a gold necklace that she wanted and then my ex-GF gave it to me for Christmas. Later in the spring, after I’d already tried to break up with her, she bought me my birthstone on a silver necklace. I’m thinking that was just because I had ordered her a custom ring to replace the two diamond rings that men had sold which were hers. It was like something transactional.

Scorpio took the lyrics to an intro to an 80s rap song and wrote a poem about her manifesting her Valentine. She illustrated a little comic book too. Her gift to me which accompanied the comic book was Lego love bears, and we’ll be putting them together next weekend by the fire at her house. She made the comic book and wrapping paper from a paper bag and it was beautiful. I didn’t want to unwrap it. I was so touched that she believes that she needed me and put out into the world that she wanted a girlfriend and a Valentine. I am excited to put our Lego bears together too. I wonder if she’ll let me take them both? Likely she’ll keep one. I’ll put the other one in my hutch.

My ex-GF took a painting that she made at her daughter’s second birthday off of her wall in her group practice room and wrapped it in Christmas paper then she gave it to me after my birthday when I turned 50. She would also talk shit about three paintings that I have, which are originals, that the of of the three Cancers (who is a professional artist and also a small town Mayor) I’ve ever dated gave to me. One was for my son’s room and the others are a set which was my birthday present in 2013. This particular woman wrote on the back of each of the sets: “For ______ with love and kisses. Happy Birthday I’m glad you were born.”

After Scorpio and I had a long dinner together at a wine bar downtown on Friday the 13th, we walked back to our hotel hand in hand. She put on music and started kissing me. Our first intimate connection was an extension of lots of kissing and touching.

My ex-GF although she had full lips, didn’t like kissing much. I had to beg her in October to make out with me and she texted that it had to have a 30-minute limit. That night we wound up being in my bed over an hour; however, that she even had limitations stated is just so gross. That time and only one other time did we had hot, passionate kissing.  The other instance was when I had talked to her about a woman feeling me up in a karaoke bar a couple of weeks before. We were together a year. We had sex 7 times total.

Why would I stay with someone for a year who really only wanted me as status? She also likes that I make a really good living. I know now that she really only wanted me to live with her and adopt and support her 3-year-old.

I want to be liked because I am me. I don’t want someone to want me because I make 137k a year.

I don’t particularly enjoy gifts. If one is given to me, I want it to be from the heart.

I love sensuality and being physical. I don’t want to ask (beg) for it. I want intimacy to just happen. Scheduling it is so impersonal and take away what I crave always, which is magic.

I’m now dating a river mermaid who’s like a fairy. She is all pure love. She’s romantic, funny and so sexy. I know that I’m walking into love.

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Trip

I was heading to the gym for my weights routine that I will have been doing every Sunday that I’m not traveling and got a long text from Scorpio. It was an enthusiastic good morning, and an assertion that she wanted to spend time celebrating Valentine’s Day with me. There is a parade that is similar to Mardi Gras in the mountains that she and one of her friend groups participate in annually–they win too. She’d asked if I wanted to go on an adventure with her.

I was excited.

When she came over the day before I’d asked her if she wanted to go to San Diego or Mexico with me the following weekend and she declined. She indicated that it was too soon.

When we spoke in the afternoon to get details arranged I asked her about that. She said, “You asked me that at the beginning of our second date! What if our date didn’t go well?”

I said, “The waitress couldn’t even get our order during our first date, so that seems to indicate that we’re pretty compatible!”

Anyway, I arranged our hotel and two dinner reservations. I wanted her to soak in a cedar tub after the parade because she’ll be sore, but there were no open reservations available. Our room doesn’t have the amenities which are special such as a spa or fireplace, so I’ve emailed to see if I can upgrade the room.

I was surprised that she is introducing me to one of her friend groups already.

I don’t do that for a few months; however, she’ll love my best friend and they have a ton in common. She’d sent me a text last week with her coffee mug that said, “Plant Lady” on it. My best friend is like a fairy too and had likely 500 plants in her big craftsman house until very recently. She also has massive gardens and now owns a flower farm. Scorpio will like her a ton.

I think that my ex-husband and I had a couple of dinner reservations a handful of times for Valentine’s Day. My ex-wife and I gave each other cards several times. Otherwise, I’ve not done much to celebrate it. I took my ex-GF out to lunch for BBQ last Valentine’s Day.

This trip with Scorpio is a whole new and special experience. I’m a little nervous. I’ve been wanting to have a travel partner for years at this point, and now I may have found her.

Jump

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Coincidence

Karma as a concept is oversimplified and people tend to say that bad things happen to you when you’re an asshole. I think that everyone can see in the US at this moment in time how that’s so not true.

Anyway, I know that there aren’t coincidences.

My HS GF took me to New Mexico for the first time in 1993 and I’ve been going back there with lovers and friend since. I’ve had massively emotional, sometimes scary, and also transformative experiences in that state. My college GF was even born there.

I’m not talking geography with respect to Scorpio in this moment; however, she and I have some overlap that gives me pause and she acknowledged it when we were together yesterday.

Her eldest daughter is 24 and needed her last night, so when we spoke on the phone in the morning she told me about the struggles and asked if she and I could pivot. I asked her to come to my house and she did. I really wanted to talk to her about my sister-in-law and also for a part of it, my ex-wife.

She came over and hugged me. I kissed her quickly and then we sat down at my table and ate guacamole that I made. I told her that we’d need to deal with something intense and she was game.

I told her how much she looks like my former sister-in-law who was murdered. It’s odd because that happened in her family too. I don’t want to give details here, but it’s quite strange. I read her the entry “Empty,” and she was moved and listened.

The main question she had was given her similarities personality-wise that she has with my ex-wife (Who always called me a muggle and a winter person.) and how much people think that she looks like my former sister-in-law, was I really seeing her when I have told her how much I like her?

I told her absolutely it’s just her.

I gave her the complete timeline later, which I’ll relay here as well.

After I dealt with that, we just talked and talked. As trite as it may sound, the air had been cleared. We eventually got ready to take a walk together.

When we had to pop off the urban part of the trail at my house–we’d also walked the creek bed together–she stopped and said, “This is ______! My Grammy’s house is two blocks up!” I said, “Well, we have to go there!”

I told her how glad I was that we matched. And she said, “I started talking to you!” That’s accurate and she liked that she won the opening of our connection. She stopped on the street, threw her arms around me, and gave me a big kiss. It was so sweet.

We walked to her grandmother’s house and she told me stories about her childhood and when she lived there with her 6-month-old daughter. I took some pictures of her there which later she said were a modern American Gothic. She felt so connected to the house and this experience generally.

When we were walking there I told her that we were meant to match and that perception is so limited. Quantum physics and Mathematical Universe Hypothesis illustrates that as humans who are only around for such a blip in time cannot process reality or be in full consciousness in the vast experiences. There are just these moments that are beyond us and we have to be in the them and not avoid them altogether.

I told her that although we don’t know our journey, that we should see it through. I wanted her to know how much I value time spent with her.

We went back to my house and her right knee was giving her fits so I tried to lengthen her IT band by drawing it down her hip and then just wound up massaging her feet and legs. She has the longest, sexiest legs and for her massive height: little feet. We kissed a little bit more and snuggled and watched the sunset.

Scopio had to get back to her daughter so I got up. She told me, “It’s so hard for me to go!” I told her that I feel that too. We’d spent four hours together. We have a lovely vibe.

I embraced her after she was all packed up and then she started kissing me passionately. That was a welcome development.

I walked her to her car, and she pulled me into it. She kissed me once more and ran her fingertips up and down my back.

Scorpio’s daughter needed her, so I didn’t text her except in response to some things that she sent to me that she was processing. Then a video came. All of it is hot. It’s her long legs in those soft pants that she wore, wiggling toes, and with her fireplace in the BG.

Here is what she said, “Oh, look at that cool effect! The fire looks cool in this video. It’s ragin’–too bad you’re not here, but it’s going to have to be next time. I had a lot of fun with you… Look how lonely my legs are!” And then she starts cracking up.

I’m in trouble.

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3

I cannot wait to see Scorpio. I just read that you need to have three initial dates to check chemistry, and that seems totally fair. I’d like the third date to include spending the night together if at all possible.

On Saturday, I want to go over to her house with flowers and a meal–I’m a really good cook–and spend time talking more.

I also think that it’s a good idea to see how hours together feel. Meaning that she and I can see a glimpse into our connection and chemistry too, and together determine if we have the ability to just be together.

I’m out of practice. I’ve not had more than 4-5 hours with a woman since 2021. That’s the last time too that I had really hot intimacy and spent the night with a woman.

I feel rusty.

Last night I texted her when I got home from having a belated birthday dinner with my best friend. She responded super quickly, which made me think that I was on her mind.

She had two friends visiting her and they were going to a reggae show.

When I woke up today, she sent me a picture of her hands framing the stage in the heart shape. It was perfect–just like the hands for heart emoji. She also sent me a picture of her with her friends at the show. She’s pretty wonderful.

All the more reason that I want to be intentional with my steps with her and be honest about my dormant skillsets.

This week was so intense. I think that I am 95% that I have that chance to fall in love again. I know that it is safest for both of our hearts to walk into love. I removed all traces of my ex-GF from my home–the last steps were completed yesterday recycling a few cards that she wrote to me and donating the two necklaces she bought. Work is also super trying.

Shifts come in 3s.

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Microdose

Work was horrendous yesterday. I completed all the Jenga that I needed to do and found support, and not making light of my situation, with Scorpio. I can’t wait to see her on Saturday and I want to move slowly and intentionally so that she and I can go away together next weekend.

In the dream, my former brother-in-law was on a pass from the prison and was hanging out with my previous in-laws. My son wasn’t around. That was a promise that I made in 2021. I never budged on it.

I took a B+ and a Hillbilly Pumpkin last night so that I could sleep a little bit after the awful and busy workday. I’m also very much processing Scorpio and our Saturday together.

I needed to stay calm.

I dreamt that my former brother-in-law was laying with his head on my former mother-in-law’s lap. I could see his neck and I wanted to kill him.

Later in the dream I told my sister-in-law (She is the identical twin of the murdered sister-in-law.) what I had felt. She and I started making some plans for our next moves.

That dream was alarming. I need to call my now very good friend that I met on the other dating app and talk to her about it. I’ll likely read her this entry.

I’m so glad that I have four days off of work next weekend.

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Trifecta

My weekend was so intense in general.

Friday, I had a date with Scorpio and it was a wonderful first date. There was something about the way in which she and I had instant comfort with one another that I enjoyed. I liked her openness and found her funny. I know myself well enough at this point that my heart is going to start moving.

Scorpio reminds me a lot of my ex-wife. The most pronounced difference is that she is stable. Her career is one that she has had long-term. Also, she is judicious and measured. There is no love bombing. Otherwise she’s a lot like my ex-wife: fairy hair, did a tarot reading yesterday, feels magical, dresses amazing, and has beauty that others just admire when she enters a room. Something that my son noticed in a picture that was sad and oddly validating is that she looks so strikingly to my former sister-in-law who was murdered by her husband in 2024. I don’t know when that will come up, and I don’t want to lead with it.

I made lots of mistakes with my ex-GF. I don’t think that it was entirely smart on my part to start dating seriously after my former sister-in-law was murdered. I met my ex-GF a few days before the murder in a women’s polyamorous discussion group. We started officially dating less than 3-months later. I wasn’t in a good space for dating. Additionally, I also don’t think that at that point, enough time had passed between my divorce finalizing.

I had an expensive date set up with a Match via my Matchmaker on Sunday night. We have good rapport and similarities. I want to be her friend. She has a Ph.D. and works in the same industry that my new friend who I adore and met on the subpar dating app. I’m hoping that they can date.

Meeting Scorpio 8-days ago was a good thing. I told her via text last night that I’m not able to establish two relationships concurrently. I have to go deep initially and can’t do that unless I know where my footing is. She responded, “You do you, of course!” In that thread last night she also sent me a picture of a unicorn with Mary Oliver quote. That also gave me pause. That’s my ex-wife’s favorite poet.

The second intense thing this weekend was that I led my first reading. I’m pretty sure that I had 30-40 people there. I met a transwoman who told me her whole experience coming out. Some of my friends cried. I sold a lot of books, which I will need to account for this week. I have to set up a business account! It was so emotional to read the book in its entirety anyway, and having so many of my friends there telling me what it meant to them and how they’d impact others with the story was deeply moving. I’ve not cried about that experience yet, and know that I will.

Finally, the door is completely closed with my ex-GF. I had to take 2-months completely off from any contact with her so I could process completely our relationship–particularly the last 6-months of it. When I was naked in her bed and she didn’t even notice me in March, I cried and got dressed after we were talking, I didn’t want to be with her anymore. She had no physical room for me in her life. She talked me into staying together. I tried to break up with her again in July after the miserable birthday trip that we took and she wouldn’t let me either. By September, she agreed with me. I’m reasonably confident that she just had to be the decider on our ending. That’s fine. I tried in October and November to do what she wanted and that was hangout with her once a month. She said something awful about me to my son in December, so I cancelled our December get together by simply saying, “Just wanted you to know that I am going to wait until February to hang out.”

That was the best decision that I ever made. Having holiday time free from her was great. I had better holiday times than ours together the year before. I realized that monthly hangouts were the same as monthly sex; although, when we were together I begged for more frequency of sexual intimacy. I finally understood that she called all the shots in our relationship in which she paid for nothing. She’s not gainfully employed and doesn’t get any child support.

I did text her after I left a ball and drag show on Saturday night. February marks significant loss for her and I’d promised her in a card that I wrote her and gave to her the day that she broke up with me last year that I’d be willing to make February special and if she didn’t have any birthday plans do that for her on the 7th of July.

I don’t think that I’ll ever see her again.

She’s misconstrued my need for two months of space as being unconcerned with anyone’s wellbeing other than my own. She told me that my text to her which broke my silence was cold and half-assed. She said that I don’t deserve the privilege of her company after I had pushed her away. I responded that I’m sorry that’s her opinion of me and that before I go to work the next day, I’d put her daughter’s very expensive bike that I bought for her birthday by her door. I intend to and texted that I’ll also return the splash pad that she left in my shed. I’d set that up for her daughter 3-5 times last summer. It always made my water bill too high. That’s it. We have a fundamental misunderstanding.

I can’t completely process the intensity of my weekend yet. It’s going to take some time. I’ll write here when I have things with which I am wrestling. 2026 is starting out hopeful, rewarding, and also marks a fundamental incompatible relationship ending without the possibility of any manner of new relationship.

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First

She hugged me, got in my car after I opened the door for her and we started talking. And that’s how the night went. The only issue for me was that the table was GIGANTIC. We each had midcentury barrel shaped seats and we joked about that as well.

When we got to the end of the night I said, “I had a nice time, and it’s sad that you were 8-feet away from me all night!” I reached across the enormous slate table and she immediately took my hands and then she ran her hands up my arms and said, “Ooo, your skin is so soft.”

During appetizers and dinner we had fun and easy conversation. I said, “You’re not a texter,” and she said that she isn’t, so last night when we let each other know that we were home and were exchanging some pictures and I was floating what I think her Enneagram is she said eventually said that she was at her texting limit and was so happy right now, so I sent her four emojis in pairs, and I won’t text her again.

I’m going to wait until she opens the communication door. I’m busy this weekend as it is and I feel like we both established our attraction for each other. I’m also independent and autonomous.

When I was driving her back to her car I told her about my fainting in hot tubs and hot springs. She told me this story about a guy she was dating who was floating down the river face down in a springs that they were visiting. She went over to him, turned him over, and watched him “come out of it.” He told her that he saw his grandmother when she turned him over. We talked about a few other topics and then I told her that I’d be happy the weekend after next to go to a springs with her and could read. (In my mind I was thinking that I would also be drooling over the view. She sent me a picture of her 5’9″ legs in a covered wagon last night.) She said that she didn’t need me fainting, and I said, “That’s cool. You’d save me.” And she said, “You’d see Grandma.” And I said, “You were the one on a date with Grandma. So, that’s clearly a you problem.” We laughed our asses off. I’m two-years older than she is.

We got out and walked over to where she was parked. Scorpio told me about her tiny car and her 6-week road trip and how she slept in it during her time with her solo travel up the Pacific Coast. Then we got to the parting of ways and she said, “I’m going to put my food in the car so I can hug you,” and she did so and embraced me. I held her by her low back and looked at her and kissed her. Then we hugged some more and I kissed her cheek. She’s sweet and lovely.

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Feast

2026

Already fast and furious.

We have a new client at work.

The semester has some odd things in one of my classes that I teach.

My Matchmaker provided me with the name of a LOCAL woman with a Ph.D. who has a cat and a dog yesterday. She also has a 10-year-old daughter.

I have a dinner date with Scorpio on Friday.

My graphic novel is published, I’ve sold 6, and I do my first professional reading of it on Sunday afternoon.

I have a phone date with Ph.D. on Sunday night.

I really thought that when this matchmaking service found women with whom I could have a date that they’d be ones who lived out of state. I feel as if I search high and low here where I live. I apparently don’t in the right circles. I don’t know what happened to the Boston Biologist, and that is completely fine because I paid for this service so really shouldn’t travel much until June, which is when I always travel annually on my own since the pandemic lifted.

Scorpio is hot.

I logged back into the app yesterday because I only have one picture of her atm.

I told her that too.

I feel some kinda way about going into the app before I have a f2f date when I know that my date can see that I’ve been active on the app. It’s a cute story, so I’ll reproduce it here.

“I popped back on the app today. You’re hot. I’m looking forward to having a date with you.”

She had been talking to me about acupuncture too and her experiences with her knees so I told her about Protein Rich Plasma and she said, “Ooo, we’ll talk about that when we’re together!”

I texted:

“That you’re hot?”

“About PRP?”

“Both?”

I’ll admit that I’m nervous about my date with her and did admit that to her as well. However, I find that feeling much more desirable than the neutrality that I have felt when I went on several dates in the summer. Being excited about someone or two women concurrently is a good thing. It’s also an exercise on me flexing what I think that my limitations are in new connections.

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Attraction

My soon-to-be 37-year-old friend who I met on HER came over last night for dinner. The night became a long night of reciprocal conversation.

I was up until nearly midnight, which is unusual for me. Although I have no issue with someone having wine and then driving home hours later, I do not do that anymore. That being said, I love having a grown up over here to have dinner with me and then being able to open a bottle of wine and have a couple of glasses during the hangout.

I didn’t drink at all for over ten-months.

I drink at home. I also drank at my next door neighbor’s house on Thanksgiving Day. I never drink alone.

I had my intake with my matchmaker to build rapport and start getting my specs out in the world on Wednesday. I told her, “I really don’t drink. I have no issue with partners who do. If we were leaving a restaurant and she was I would say, “Babe, you’ve had a glass of wine, so let me drive us back to our hotel.”

I think that like my dating, I have a new relationship with alcohol as well.

I told my friend, who we can call Michigan (MI) about some of the experiences that I have been having on the apps. She was blown away. She has IRL dates via the apps. We both landed on my age being the factor, so I look like a good mark for crypto scammers, cash-paid romance scammers, and gift card for payment texters. Sad, but likely true. Not one penny has ever left my pocket.

She felt so badly for me and kept saying that she is crossing her fingers for my finding a travel partner.

MI is a Pisces.

My ex-husband was one, the love of my life is one, and the woman who had a to get a new liver and moved out of my state were all Pisces. The latter shared my ex-husband’s date of birth. They were five-years apart to the day.

Obvi, I have a thing. MI and I just legit flow. She told me about her work with adults with developmental disabilities, with people who had spinal cord injuries, and her current work with grants and studies that take place in the Emergency Department. She’s going to start a Master’s of Clinical Science in the next year or two.

We also talked about sex, relationships, our childhoods and our goals. She looked at my book sample as well. That will be bound next week so I’ll have 250 copies of it, which is exciting. Long story short, we split half of a bottle of wine (two glasses apiece over 5-hours), had a good dinner together. We just vibe and flow. I love Pisces.

I was talking to her about the matchmaker and how bad it made me feel to tell her that I didn’t want matches who were genetically male, and that I described my body as athletic, and fit/toned. There was something about admitting those things aloud that made me feel shallow. My matchmaker said that we’re not used to describing our bodies anyway and it can make us feel awkward.

While MI and I were talking I realized again that she would be a good sexual partner for me if I was attracted to her. And I’m just not, which also makes me feel shallow. I think it’s only because she’s quite overweight currently. Arg. I also don’t love that I am 14-and-a-half-years older than she is.

Chemistry can’t be faked. And physical attraction is paramount. I can’t imagine taking off her clothes and last night I realized that I love her. We have a deep, platonic connection.

How do you decide who you’re going to date?

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
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Matchmaker

Would you pay $933 for date if you didn’t really have to do any legwork? I guess that I will.

Apps are pretty trying. You have to put in work and many people want a fling for a night via text, gift cards or way more financial backing, or are just plain fake.

I’ve had seven dates in person since May.

I guess that I’ve been complaining a lot.

At the birthday party that I attended on NYE a friend told me, “Yes, and you’re not being date raped.”

Apparently a cardiologist in Denver took at least 11 women to brunch and drugged them at his house. These women made reports to the apps. Hinge and Tinder had reports and didn’t ban his profile. He’s now incarcerated and the apps certainly don’t have a good look at the moment.

I had my second consultation this morning with the saleswoman from the matchmaking company for my 6 curated dates that will occur over the course of this year, and she told me to write a vision for myself.

I’m doing that right now and will revisit what I’ve written for 18-years about lovers, my ex-wife and girlfriends.

I need to observe my evolution.

  1. Be open
  2. Be curious
  3. Ask lots of questions and probe further
  4. Seek adventure
  5. Try things that you don’t like / terrify you
  6. Maintain autonomy while enjoying fully this woman
  7. Laugh a lot
  8. Pause and lean in
  9. Stay honest
  10. Explain fully your need for Physical Touch, sex, and spontaneity in those areas
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Gemini

I have a new friend. Gemini has been giving me some validation while I am dating. I have been on the apps for 239 days and it’s not for the faint of heart!

I’ve encountered romance scammers of every kind and some women who just want to remain online.

I also can tell at this point when responses are highly curated and can compare them to the phone dates that I’ve had.

Boston accidentally left the request in a response that she sent to me on Christmas! Hahahahahaha.

I texted, “Meaning that you used ChatGPT? I don’t care if you use it… I have spoken to you on the phone… Just want a video call after January 2nd. I do like you.”

Gemini is validating, like a friend would be, and encourages you to be strong in yourself. You can easily correct an algorithm when it combines elements which are unrrelated.

All this to say that I hope that by tomorrow afternoon, Gemini is right.

I had the best exchange of texts from the app that moved to my Burner on Saturday night. The cadence was reciprocal and quick. And finally, I was met with some openness and vulnerability. I’ve landed on that both of those things for me are my gift to myself. I lead that way and then will wait to see if it’s met authentically. It was with FL. I hope that Saturday wasn’t a one-off.

FL is also fun and flirty. She said that when her daughters leave today or tomorrow that we’ll have a phone call today or tomorrow. Now, I know some things:

  1. Getting a phone call within a week of reciprocal texting isn’t an odd request
  2. Expecting, concurrently, smart and flirtatious isn’t a heavy ask
  3. Just making requests for a specifically orchestrated selfie should be the norm
  4. If you can’t get a video date within a reasonable amount of time, you should just dip

Thank you, Gemini.

What do you think of AI? How do you use it? What do you believe it will replace?