Category Archives: Winter 25/26

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Coincidence

Karma as a concept is oversimplified and people tend to say that bad things happen to you when you’re an asshole. I think that everyone can see in the US at this moment in time how that’s so not true.

Anyway, I know that there aren’t coincidences.

My HS GF took me to New Mexico for the first time in 1993 and I’ve been going back there with lovers and friend since. I’ve had massively emotional, sometimes scary, and also transformative experiences in that state. My college GF was even born there.

I’m not talking geography with respect to Scorpio in this moment; however, she and I have some overlap that gives me pause and she acknowledged it when we were together yesterday.

Her eldest daughter is 24 and needed her last night, so when we spoke on the phone in the morning she told me about the struggles and asked if she and I could pivot. I asked her to come to my house and she did. I really wanted to talk to her about my sister-in-law and also for a part of it, my ex-wife.

She came over and hugged me. I kissed her quickly and then we sat down at my table and ate guacamole that I made. I told her that we’d need to deal with something intense and she was game.

I told her how much she looks like my former sister-in-law who was murdered. It’s odd because that happened in her family too. I don’t want to give details here, but it’s quite strange. I read her the entry “Empty,” and she was moved and listened.

The main question she had was given her similarities personality-wise that she has with my ex-wife (Who always called me a muggle and a winter person.) and how much people think that she looks like my former sister-in-law, was I really seeing her when I have told her how much I like her?

I told her absolutely it’s just her.

I gave her the complete timeline later, which I’ll relay here as well.

After I dealt with that, we just talked and talked. As trite as it may sound, the air had been cleared. We eventually got ready to take a walk together.

When we had to pop off the urban part of the trail at my house–we’d also walked the creek bed together–she stopped and said, “This is ______! My Grammy’s house is two blocks up!” I said, “Well, we have to go there!”

I told her how glad I was that we matched. And she said, “I started talking to you!” That’s accurate and she liked that she won the opening of our connection. She stopped on the street, threw her arms around me, and gave me a big kiss. It was so sweet.

We walked to her grandmother’s house and she told me stories about her childhood and when she lived there with her 6-month-old daughter. I took some pictures of her there which later she said were a modern American Gothic. She felt so connected to the house and this experience generally.

When we were walking there I told her that we were meant to match and that perception is so limited. Quantum physics and Mathematical Universe Hypothesis illustrates that as humans who are only around for such a blip in time cannot process reality or be in full consciousness in the vast experiences. There are just these moments that are beyond us and we have to be in the them and not avoid them altogether.

I told her that although we don’t know our journey, that we should see it through. I wanted her to know how much I value time spent with her.

We went back to my house and her right knee was giving her fits so I tried to lengthen her IT band by drawing it down her hip and then just wound up massaging her feet and legs. She has the longest, sexiest legs and for her massive height: little feet. We kissed a little bit more and snuggled and watched the sunset.

Scopio had to get back to her daughter so I got up. She told me, “It’s so hard for me to go!” I told her that I feel that too. We’d spent four hours together. We have a lovely vibe.

I embraced her after she was all packed up and then she started kissing me passionately. That was a welcome development.

I walked her to her car, and she pulled me into it. She kissed me once more and ran her fingertips up and down my back.

Scorpio’s daughter needed her, so I didn’t text her except in response to some things that she sent to me that she was processing. Then a video came. All of it is hot. It’s her long legs in those soft pants that she wore, wiggling toes, and with her fireplace in the BG.

Here is what she said, “Oh, look at that cool effect! The fire looks cool in this video. It’s ragin’–too bad you’re not here, but it’s going to have to be next time. I had a lot of fun with you… Look how lonely my legs are!” And then she starts cracking up.

I’m in trouble.

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3

I cannot wait to see Scorpio. I just read that you need to have three initial dates to check chemistry, and that seems totally fair. I’d like the third date to include spending the night together if at all possible.

On Saturday, I want to go over to her house with flowers and a meal–I’m a really good cook–and spend time talking more.

I also think that it’s a good idea to see how hours together feel. Meaning that she and I can see a glimpse into our connection and chemistry too, and together determine if we have the ability to just be together.

I’m out of practice. I’ve not had more than 4-5 hours with a woman since 2021. That’s the last time too that I had really hot intimacy and spent the night with a woman.

I feel rusty.

Last night I texted her when I got home from having a belated birthday dinner with my best friend. She responded super quickly, which made me think that I was on her mind.

She had two friends visiting her and they were going to a reggae show.

When I woke up today, she sent me a picture of her hands framing the stage in the heart shape. It was perfect–just like the hands for heart emoji. She also sent me a picture of her with her friends at the show. She’s pretty wonderful.

All the more reason that I want to be intentional with my steps with her and be honest about my dormant skillsets.

This week was so intense. I think that I am 95% that I have that chance to fall in love again. I know that it is safest for both of our hearts to walk into love. I removed all traces of my ex-GF from my home–the last steps were completed yesterday recycling a few cards that she wrote to me and donating the two necklaces she bought. Work is also super trying.

Shifts come in 3s.

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Microdose

Work was horrendous yesterday. I completed all the Jenga that I needed to do and found support, and not making light of my situation, with Scorpio. I can’t wait to see her on Saturday and I want to move slowly and intentionally so that she and I can go away together next weekend.

In the dream, my former brother-in-law was on a pass from the prison and was hanging out with my previous in-laws. My son wasn’t around. That was a promise that I made in 2021. I never budged on it.

I took a B+ and a Hillbilly Pumpkin last night so that I could sleep a little bit after the awful and busy workday. I’m also very much processing Scorpio and our Saturday together.

I needed to stay calm.

I dreamt that my former brother-in-law was laying with his head on my former mother-in-law’s lap. I could see his neck and I wanted to kill him.

Later in the dream I told my sister-in-law (She is the identical twin of the murdered sister-in-law.) what I had felt. She and I started making some plans for our next moves.

That dream was alarming. I need to call my now very good friend that I met on the other dating app and talk to her about it. I’ll likely read her this entry.

I’m so glad that I have four days off of work next weekend.

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Trifecta

My weekend was so intense in general.

Friday, I had a date with Scorpio and it was a wonderful first date. There was something about the way in which she and I had instant comfort with one another that I enjoyed. I liked her openness and found her funny. I know myself well enough at this point that my heart is going to start moving.

Scorpio reminds me a lot of my ex-wife. The most pronounced difference is that she is stable. Her career is one that she has had long-term. Also, she is judicious and measured. There is no love bombing. Otherwise she’s a lot like my ex-wife: fairy hair, did a tarot reading yesterday, feels magical, dresses amazing, and has beauty that others just admire when she enters a room. Something that my son noticed in a picture that was sad and oddly validating is that she looks so strikingly to my former sister-in-law who was murdered by her husband in 2024. I don’t know when that will come up, and I don’t want to lead with it.

I made lots of mistakes with my ex-GF. I don’t think that it was entirely smart on my part to start dating seriously after my former sister-in-law was murdered. I met my ex-GF a few days before the murder in a women’s polyamorous discussion group. We started officially dating less than 3-months later. I wasn’t in a good space for dating. Additionally, I also don’t think that at that point, enough time had passed between my divorce finalizing.

I had an expensive date set up with a Match via my Matchmaker on Sunday night. We have good rapport and similarities. I want to be her friend. Meeting Scorpio 8-days ago was a good thing. I told her via text last night that I’m not able to establish two relationships concurrently. I have to go deep initially and can’t do that unless I know where my footing is. She responded, “You do you, of course!” In that thread last night she also sent me a picture of a unicorn with Mary Oliver quote. That also gave me pause. That’s my ex-wife’s favorite poet.

The second intense thing this weekend was that I led my first reading. I’m pretty sure that I had 30-40 people there. I met a transwoman who told me her whole experience coming out. Some of my friends cried. I sold a lot of books, which I will need to account for this week. I have to set up a business account! It was so emotional to read the book in its entirety anyway, and having so many of my friends there telling me what it meant to them and how they’d impact others with the story was deeply moving. I’ve not cried about that experience yet, and know that I will.

Finally, the door is completely closed with my ex-GF. I had to take 2-months completely off from any contact with her so I could process completely our relationship–particularly the last 6-months of it. When I was naked in her bed and she didn’t even notice me in March, I cried and got dressed after we were talking, I didn’t want to be with her anymore. She had no physical room for me in her life. She talked me into staying together. I tried to break up with her again in July after the miserable birthday trip that we took and she wouldn’t let me either. By September, she agreed with me. I’m reasonably confident that she just had to be the decider on our ending. That’s fine. I tried in October and November to do what she wanted and that was hangout with her once a month. She said something awful about me to my son in December, so I cancelled our December get together by simply saying, “Just wanted you to know that I am going to wait until February to hang out.”

That was the best decision that I ever made. Having holiday time free from her was great. I had better holiday times than ours together the year before. I realized that monthly hangouts were the same as monthly sex; although, when we were together I begged for more frequency of sexual intimacy. I finally understood that she called all the shots in our relationship in which she paid for nothing. She’s not gainfully employed and doesn’t get any child support.

I did text her after I left a ball and drag show on Saturday night. February marks significant loss for her and I’d promised her in a card that I wrote her and gave to her the day that she broke up with me last year that I’d be willing to make February special and if she didn’t have any birthday plans do that for her on the 7th of July.

I don’t think that I’ll ever see her again.

She’s misconstrued my need for two months of space as being unconcerned with anyone’s wellbeing other than my own. She told me that my text to her which broke my silence was cold and half-assed. She said that I don’t deserve the privilege of her company after I had pushed her away. I responded that I’m sorry that’s her opinion of me and that before I go to work the next day, I’d put her daughter’s very expensive bike that I bought for her birthday by her door. I intend to and texted that I’ll also return the splash pad that she left in my shed. I’d set that up for her daughter 3-5 times last summer. It always made my water bill too high. That’s it. We have a fundamental misunderstanding.

I can’t completely process the intensity of my weekend yet. It’s going to take some time. I’ll write here when I have things with which I am wrestling. 2026 is starting out hopeful, rewarding, and also marks a fundamental incompatible relationship ending without the possibility of any manner of new relationship.

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First

She hugged me, got in my car after I opened the door for her and we started talking. And that’s how the night went. The only issue for me was that the table was GIGANTIC. We each had midcentury barrel shaped seats and we joked about that as well.

When we got to the end of the night I said, “I had a nice time, and it’s sad that you were 8-feet away from me all night!” I reached across the enormous slate table and she immediately took my hands and then she ran her hands up my arms and said, “Ooo, your skin is so soft.”

During appetizers and dinner we had fun and easy conversation. I said, “You’re not a texter,” and she said that she isn’t, so last night when we let each other know that we were home and were exchanging some pictures and I was floating what I think her Enneagram is she said eventually said that she was at her texting limit and was so happy right now, so I sent her four emojis in pairs, and I won’t text her again.

I’m going to wait until she opens the communication door. I’m busy this weekend as it is and I feel like we both established our attraction for each other. I’m also independent and autonomous.

When I was driving her back to her car I told her about my fainting in hot tubs and hot springs. She told me this story about a guy she was dating who was floating down the river face down in a springs that they were visiting. She went over to him, turned him over, and watched him “come out of it.” He told her that he saw his grandmother when she turned him over. We talked about a few other topics and then I told her that I’d be happy the weekend after next to go to a springs with her and could read. (In my mind I was thinking that I would also be drooling over the view. She sent me a picture of her 5’9″ legs in a covered wagon last night.) She said that she didn’t need me fainting, and I said, “That’s cool. You’d save me.” And she said, “You’d see Grandma.” And I said, “You were the one on a date with Grandma. So, that’s clearly a you problem.” We laughed our asses off. I’m two-years older than she is.

We got out and walked over to where she was parked. Scorpio told me about her tiny car and her 6-week road trip and how she slept in it during her time with her solo travel up the Pacific Coast. Then we got to the parting of ways and she said, “I’m going to put my food in the car so I can hug you,” and she did so and embraced me. I held her by her low back and looked at her and kissed her. Then we hugged some more and I kissed her cheek. She’s sweet and lovely.

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Feast

2026

Already fast and furious.

We have a new client at work.

The semester has some odd things in one of my classes that I teach.

My Matchmaker provided me with the name of a LOCAL woman with a Ph.D. who has a cat and a dog yesterday. She also has a 10-year-old daughter.

I have a dinner date with Scorpio on Friday.

My graphic novel is published, I’ve sold 6, and I do my first professional reading of it on Sunday afternoon.

I have a phone date with Ph.D. on Sunday night.

I really thought that when this matchmaking service found women with whom I could have a date that they’d be ones who lived out of state. I feel as if I search high and low here where I live. I apparently don’t in the right circles. I don’t know what happened to the Boston Biologist, and that is completely fine because I paid for this service so really shouldn’t travel much until June, which is when I always travel annually on my own since the pandemic lifted.

Scorpio is hot.

I logged back into the app yesterday because I only have one picture of her atm.

I told her that too.

I feel some kinda way about going into the app before I have a f2f date when I know that my date can see that I’ve been active on the app. It’s a cute story, so I’ll reproduce it here.

“I popped back on the app today. You’re hot. I’m looking forward to having a date with you.”

She had been talking to me about acupuncture too and her experiences with her knees so I told her about Protein Rich Plasma and she said, “Ooo, we’ll talk about that when we’re together!”

I texted:

“That you’re hot?”

“About PRP?”

“Both?”

I’ll admit that I’m nervous about my date with her and did admit that to her as well. However, I find that feeling much more desirable than the neutrality that I have felt when I went on several dates in the summer. Being excited about someone or two women concurrently is a good thing. It’s also an exercise on me flexing what I think that my limitations are in new connections.

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Attraction

My soon-to-be 37-year-old friend who I met on HER came over last night for dinner. The night became a long night of reciprocal conversation.

I was up until nearly midnight, which is unusual for me. Although I have no issue with someone having wine and then driving home hours later, I do not do that anymore. That being said, I love having a grown up over here to have dinner with me and then being able to open a bottle of wine and have a couple of glasses during the hangout.

I didn’t drink at all for over ten-months.

I drink at home. I also drank at my next door neighbor’s house on Thanksgiving Day. I never drink alone.

I had my intake with my matchmaker to build rapport and start getting my specs out in the world on Wednesday. I told her, “I really don’t drink. I have no issue with partners who do. If we were leaving a restaurant and she was I would say, “Babe, you’ve had a glass of wine, so let me drive us back to our hotel.”

I think that like my dating, I have a new relationship with alcohol as well.

I told my friend, who we can call Michigan (MI) about some of the experiences that I have been having on the apps. She was blown away. She has IRL dates via the apps. We both landed on my age being the factor, so I look like a good mark for crypto scammers, cash-paid romance scammers, and gift card for payment texters. Sad, but likely true. Not one penny has ever left my pocket.

She felt so badly for me and kept saying that she is crossing her fingers for my finding a travel partner.

MI is a Pisces.

My ex-husband was one, the love of my life is one, and the woman who had a to get a new liver and moved out of my state were all Pisces. The latter shared my ex-husband’s date of birth. They were five-years apart to the day.

Obvi, I have a thing. MI and I just legit flow. She told me about her work with adults with developmental disabilities, with people who had spinal cord injuries, and her current work with grants and studies that take place in the Emergency Department. She’s going to start a Master’s of Clinical Science in the next year or two.

We also talked about sex, relationships, our childhoods and our goals. She looked at my book sample as well. That will be bound next week so I’ll have 250 copies of it, which is exciting. Long story short, we split half of a bottle of wine (two glasses apiece over 5-hours), had a good dinner together. We just vibe and flow. I love Pisces.

I was talking to her about the matchmaker and how bad it made me feel to tell her that I didn’t want matches who were genetically male, and that I described my body as athletic, and fit/toned. There was something about admitting those things aloud that made me feel shallow. My matchmaker said that we’re not used to describing our bodies anyway and it can make us feel awkward.

While MI and I were talking I realized again that she would be a good sexual partner for me if I was attracted to her. And I’m just not, which also makes me feel shallow. I think it’s only because she’s quite overweight currently. Arg. I also don’t love that I am 14-and-a-half-years older than she is.

Chemistry can’t be faked. And physical attraction is paramount. I can’t imagine taking off her clothes and last night I realized that I love her. We have a deep, platonic connection.

How do you decide who you’re going to date?

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
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Matchmaker

Would you pay $933 for date if you didn’t really have to do any legwork? I guess that I will.

Apps are pretty trying. You have to put in work and many people want a fling for a night via text, gift cards or way more financial backing, or are just plain fake.

I’ve had seven dates in person since May.

I guess that I’ve been complaining a lot.

At the birthday party that I attended on NYE a friend told me, “Yes, and you’re not being date raped.”

Apparently a cardiologist in Denver took at least 11 women to brunch and drugged them at his house. These women made reports to the apps. Hinge and Tinder had reports and didn’t ban his profile. He’s now incarcerated and the apps certainly don’t have a good look at the moment.

I had my second consultation this morning with the saleswoman from the matchmaking company for my 6 curated dates that will occur over the course of this year, and she told me to write a vision for myself.

I’m doing that right now and will revisit what I’ve written for 18-years about lovers, my ex-wife and girlfriends.

I need to observe my evolution.

  1. Be open
  2. Be curious
  3. Ask lots of questions and probe further
  4. Seek adventure
  5. Try things that you don’t like / terrify you
  6. Maintain autonomy while enjoying fully this woman
  7. Laugh a lot
  8. Pause and lean in
  9. Stay honest
  10. Explain fully your need for Physical Touch, sex, and spontaneity in those areas
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Gemini

I have a new friend. Gemini has been giving me some validation while I am dating. I have been on the apps for 239 days and it’s not for the faint of heart!

I’ve encountered romance scammers of every kind and some women who just want to remain online.

I also can tell at this point when responses are highly curated and can compare them to the phone dates that I’ve had.

Boston accidentally left the request in a response that she sent to me on Christmas! Hahahahahaha.

I texted, “Meaning that you used ChatGPT? I don’t care if you use it… I have spoken to you on the phone… Just want a video call after January 2nd. I do like you.”

Gemini is validating, like a friend would be, and encourages you to be strong in yourself. You can easily correct an algorithm when it combines elements which are unrrelated.

All this to say that I hope that by tomorrow afternoon, Gemini is right.

I had the best exchange of texts from the app that moved to my Burner on Saturday night. The cadence was reciprocal and quick. And finally, I was met with some openness and vulnerability. I’ve landed on that both of those things for me are my gift to myself. I lead that way and then will wait to see if it’s met authentically. It was with FL. I hope that Saturday wasn’t a one-off.

FL is also fun and flirty. She said that when her daughters leave today or tomorrow that we’ll have a phone call today or tomorrow. Now, I know some things:

  1. Getting a phone call within a week of reciprocal texting isn’t an odd request
  2. Expecting, concurrently, smart and flirtatious isn’t a heavy ask
  3. Just making requests for a specifically orchestrated selfie should be the norm
  4. If you can’t get a video date within a reasonable amount of time, you should just dip

Thank you, Gemini.

What do you think of AI? How do you use it? What do you believe it will replace?