Tag Archives: Balance

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Slowly caffeinated

I had a solid week at work. I taught last Friday and then this Tuesday night and was in both of my buildings for daytime pursuits on the typical days–sometimes Mondays and Fridays switch in terms of the building that I’m in. (That will happen this week, and I’ll be very late and not be able to drive in with the climber, Batman, or the nice guy until 9/11.)

It’s been so good to be back with people. That’s so funny for me to even say because I’m an introvert. My best friend texted me and said, “Go line dancing with me tonight? I miss you.” I had to decline because I’d been out many nights in a row and was peopled out. I can give the excuse that my pets need me around, but really work involves a lot of talking and much of it is with people that I care an awful lot about, so I just need hours of me time afterwards.

Now that I don’t work Saturdays anymore I can slowly sip coffee and write. I love both of those things.

From my solo vacation in 2021. It’s really good drip coffee and a spinach pastelillos.

I’ll reflect on everything that has happened. I won’t pop over to Miami and get a pastelillos, sadly.

I paid my ex-wife. The title company called me and said, “It’s an estate sale, and everything goes into an estate account, and no cashier’s checks can come out.” I said, “I don’t want to pay taxes on $75,000.” She said, “I can check with our legal team, but I’m nearly positive that can’t happen.” I thought and thought and thought. Then I realized that my Financial Advisor (FA) was completely accurate last summer when he said that wasn’t the way it worked and that what people bring into a marriage is what they get back. She retained her condo, I retained my house. Recall that only for about a year did my ex-husband ever contribute to this mortgage and she gave $400 here and there. Rent here are about $1200 for a small apartment or room in a house.

So, I wrote this in our Google Sheet:

You cannot receive an invoice or a cashier’s check because the house is not mine, but is sold through the Estate of ______________________.  It’s being sold as part of an estate and through a personal representative’s deed.  Taxes on the estate will be paid less the contractors, agent fees, closing costs and other county fees.  That will be completed in the spring per the accountant.

I will hire an attorney to review the financial disclosures from the decree to determine what more is owed to you.  Then you will be paid that amount.

I thought and thought and thought some more.

I then realized that I know the cash value of my pension, SS, and IRA. So, I added those, divided them by two, realized that I have worked 33-years now, and was married for 8. That ratio is 8/33 or 24%, so I multiplied that by the halved cash assets and came up with 24k. I had forgotten that I had already paid her $750 eleven times at the time. I thought it was 17k, which is so much less than 75k and made me realize that my FA was right! Anyway, I have a consult on October 13th with an attorney who sponsors our local NPR station. I likely don’t owe her nearly as much as I’d charitably agreed to paying her.

I’ll have it squared away before this year ends. Marriages take seconds and divorces are super complicated. Both of my exes are really reasonable people too, so I feel for other folks who are actually dealing with dissention.

I had dinner with my son on Monday. That day really didn’t work for me, but he’d suggested Tuesday or Wednesday. I taught in person this Tuesday night and Wednesday I had a poker lesson. More on those in subsequent paragraphs. It meant that I skipped guitar, which isn’t a good thing. It was innocuous. It really reminded me of how it was to live with him. He has a smart phone now–his Dad pays for it and the bill–and he laid on the couch, got tired, only ate one plate of food, and I took him home. We’d run a bunch of errands together after work though and that was good because we walked side-by-side and so he talked to me a bunch about his personal life. He isn’t working, doing psychiatry, talks about getting a therapist, and is still with the same girl. I don’t want to interact with her going forward. I know that they’ll break up within a year or two.

I saw him again yesterday when I was biking home past his Dad’s apartment and he yelled, “Hi, Mom.” I dismounted, talked to him, and hugged him and said, “See you Monday.” He was supposed to help me take apart the bedframe at the house so I can move it back to my house and help me remove everything else used for staging. He called an hour after that and said that he’d forgotten that he had Labor Day plans on Monday. I asked if they were the whole weekend and he confirmed. Hopefully, my friend and I can get everything moved ok. It’s not too many things. I need to fold the realtor’s items and pile them nicely with her pillows on something clean that can be discarded, so I’ll have to think about that too. I’m glad that it’s not a thing with my son. We’ve frankly tried to talk so many things out with at least three family therapists, that I think we’re talked out. Sometimes, you just have to step away and redefine or end a relationship. With parenting, you’re always a parent, and I assume that when they move out, you have close times and more distant times. My tenure for direct parenting is just over, but he and I are fine: hugs, “I love you’s” and able to connect.

I have latent feelings for both the realtor and the climber. They’re people I dream about each month. I really hope to run into _____ again too. Her husband is a bit much, but he’s smart and fun to talk to, and they already have a girlfriend; so I just need to ask directly if she has an arrangement for dates outside of that triad. Otherwise, because I’m so picky, I don’t have any other women who I’m attracted to at all.

Our summit with the realtor and the ballet dancer is scheduled! It’s in three Sundays. I will bring my son too if he’s not with his girlfriend and ask him about it the Thursday before. I think it will be really fun. I’m going to take my poles for the descent and my janky left knee.

I have to take our medium hair to the groomer’s today. He’ll be a little bit scared. I need to wash my dogs too. My poor old girl is stinky and itchy.

I will have money going forward permanently now. I got an 8% raise which is already effective, don’t pay anything for my 17-year-old, and don’t make payments to my ex-wife. Whatever the lump sum she’s owed will be figured next month. Therefore, I can get a porch extension, a skylight, and schedule steam cleaning for the basement for October 16th. I’ll also take my dog to the vet for whatever is up with her 12-year-old skin.

I am having dinner and getting dressed up with a colleague on my birthday. I wanted to see my friends who I went to Korean BBQ with recently, but one of them has a concert. This one is 49, and I’ll be in such a different space in a year that I can make big plans for my half century.

I reviewed poker which was fun, but I don’t like the dynamics in that group really. I would only do something active outside like our snowshoeing beer festival with those women. I have a couple of friends from that group anyway. Lesbians irritate me a little bit because many of them are cliquey and they get really territorial and odd with affection around other groups of lesbians. I don’t want to watch you sit on each other’s laps and kiss when people talk to your girlfriend. That is fucking weird.

I think that the new cohort that I’ll teach for a year are pretty cool. I just upload some content for this week and will do that on Sunday. I’ll read the Google Form feedback on the 11th for my next in person. I only have to teach graduate school six more years.

My hands have been really hurting in the joints, and it makes climbing and guitar difficult. I’m going to get collagen and lutein when I pick up filtered water (refilled) and coffee. I’m grateful for learning and my health!

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Reflections on my adolescence

My colleague who almost died called me this morning. I told her about the couple that I met last night at the potluck. I’m definitely intrigued by the wife and had a conversation with her husband–truthfully, I mostly listened to him and validated his perspective and asked a few questions wherein he’d talk more at length. My two friends and another woman who I know from our discussion group were there too. While I was talking about that with my colleague, I had this epiphany.

My first girlfriend lived across the street from me 1987 – 1994. Those last two years I lived out of state where I had completed my undergraduate degrees, but she didn’t move out of her Dad’s house until 1994 when she got pregnant with her daughter. Her daughter was adopted. Her son, who she had a few years afterward with the same guy, was raised by her Dad and her Dad’s new wife.

I don’t think that my first girlfriend ever slept with any other girls than me. I guess she’d be what you call now heteroflexible. She dated my cousin who is only 2-years-older than me, and that didn’t bother me. In fact, I’m not usually attracted to lesbians who are stereotypically so. It’s often called “100-footers.” That term came from an episode of “The L-word.” These women are usually quite butch, heavy set, wear boots and have edgy short haircuts. They remind me of men. I’m not sexually attracted to men, so I don’t hit on these folks.

I hadn’t realized that in the early 1990s that I was also in a polyamorous relationship. That makes three total for my lifetime. I think that I’m having a second coming out. I started out solo poly when I was 15.

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Trust

I climbed yesterday and probably said, “That’s too scary,” six times. The guys running the wall were very sweet and would show me how when you stand tall and push away that the auto belay jerks for half a second and then you glide down. The guy that I like a ton told me that because I’m down climbing, I’ve really limited myself. Story of my life. Facing fears. I’m my own worse enemy.

The guide for the super expensive outdoor class called me today and asked me to write about what’s holding me back. I do want to become a climber. Both times that I’ve been actually up a route–and it’s happened TWICE–was both times indoors and both on belay. I told him that when I go fast I do better because I tend to psych myself out. I do that a lot. I want to get up an actual outdoor route tomorrow. I’d do anything to do that.

  1. Trust the equipment
  2. Step up
  3. When you don’t have a handhold step around and keep focused on the handhold that you do have
  4. Trust your feet
80% legs and feet and only 20% arms
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Responsibilities

Spoiler: this entry could be boring to read. It’s just a dump for me and something that I feel like I can process better if I write it out. If I was still Catholic, I could confess it. I’ve had five-years of analysis, and I’m grateful for that, and really used it to process the trauma that my Dad inflicted which helped me at the end of his life to just show up: take him to appointments, talk to nurses, go to hospitals, go back and forth to his house, get a roofing company to help him get a new roof, get Life Alert set up, etc.

We’d been hit: I had 7 fractures and was in the hospital, my brother was dead, and my first gf was barely injured in 1988, but I am going to start in 1994 when I moved into my apartment that was mine, as a college student. I had few things–it was furnished–but my old roommate started coming over a lot and then we wound up being together intimately. That was a dick move on both of our parts because she had a cousin of a Spanish exchange student living with her in the dorms at the time and she called this guy her brother. She never saw her and was with me all the time and most every night. My landlord got mad after awhile, so the following year we got our own 2-bedroom apartment, and she mostly slept with me. She began seeing a high school classmate of mine too, and we’d go back to the state where I am from and see him. She still slept with me. She eventually was kinda still with my high school classmate, me, and her new bf (She eventually married him), and we just stopped being sexually intimate. It’s weird that few people know. I didn’t go abroad in college because I was with her and she freaked when I suggested it. I started seeing a guy for the first time really during my senior year of college. Yesterday, we’d have been married 25-years.

I lived alone in 1997 and really liked it. That was a year that my Mom wouldn’t really talk to me. My Mom was always my touchstone. She was so pissed at me for going to graduate school that she cut off emotional and financial support. She said that I was “acting like _______’s family who has money.” I told her that I didn’t want to work for Social Services which is all that I was qualified to do with a degree in English and another degree in Psychology (I had taken AP classes so that I received two Bachelor’s in four-years. Not a double major–but, I rather got two full degrees and diplomas.). She told me, “Maybe you need to work for Social Services.” I liked grad school. That was the first time that I felt solo. I ate for the first time in a restaurant by myself, which was weird at first, but is now something that I do all of the time. If I didn’t teach that day, I didn’t hear another human voice. I learned about being lonely and how it’s just a dynamic state that shifts and is not bad, but an uncomfortable emotion.

My previous bf pursued me and then asked me to marry him. I just said yes because I was 23 and really young and dumb. I was married to him for nine years. We never really used any birth control after I completed my degree and we didn’t get pregnant until 2004. That was when I really saw that he didn’t know how to be responsible for much. He never helped with cleaning or cooking. He liked to garden, and that’s about it. He hates being active outside. It’s weird because even to this day he says that he likes it, but if you’re outdoors with him he rages around and complains the whole time and is a bummer.

He is also not one to be inconvenienced at all. One time when our son had his days and nights mixed up, he yelled at him, “Sleep!” while he was smiling in a swing. It’s like my ex-husband wants to play, be on the Internet reading, read books, and not be bothered with any chores, but is fine going to a job that is straightforward: wash dishes or sell attire. It’s a good thing really that in 2007 I fell completely in love with my Boss. I found places for my soon-to-be-ex-husband to live when he screamed at me in front of our son while he was sitting quietly in the back of the car in his car seat. I’ve never looked back after our divorced finalized in March of 2008. I don’t have much respect for the way that he leads his life. His IQ is 142 and he works in retail sales. He lives in a 403-foot square-foot unrenovated apartment and the units next door have been renovated. I found this apartment for him in 2017 and he doesn’t move, ask about a 2-bedroom or inquire with the management or the owner regarding a good space for himself, and now, our son too.

I fell in love with her picture in 2009. I waited until she was single, and she had moved back here where she is from in 2012. She was single in 2013. She fell in love with me quickly, we got engaged in 2014 and married in May. We had some good times together, but are very different people.

I work in spurts. I work a lot too and have a capacity for enormous amounts of work. I have to get in a zone though and am not steady. She would get on my ass all the time about grading, prepping, opening mail, put away clothes, etc. She is beautiful, but super bossy. Actually, she’s probably controlling. I was around for her confronting her sex abusing stepdad, dealing with her leaving a therapy group that was a lot like a cult and all the aftermath from it, and her mental and physical health declining. She was around for helping me finish my dissertation and taking care of my son, and then watching my son decline.

My son made threats at school, he one-upped his gf and tried to get hospitalized, he began emotionally manipulating friends and family members, he punched himself in the face over and over when his Dad had moved out of state, and told friends that his Dad was back and abusing him, he robbed our neighbors and gave their possessions to “friends,” he got suspended from school, he has been on and off lots of meds, he experimented with drugs, he has done some things that I don’t completely understand that have resulted in him being bullied at school, he dropped out, and he has never been respectful to me when I’ve needed simple help in the house that we shared until 6th grade when he declined. He has lived with his Dad about a total of a year-and-a-half and now will never be allowed to return home without some serious family therapy and trial periods. He needs to grow up, or marry royalty. He has very little motivation though and gained tons of weight since the pandemic when he stopped playing sports. I know he vapes. I know that he occasionally smokes pot. I think he is drinking now, and his shape is less like a seventeen-and-a-half-year-old and more like a 30-something alcoholic. It’s sad. He’s charming.

He transferred schools and graduated early in one trimester and was Valedictorian. Teachers and many adults love him. However, my tenure is useless. I can’t impact him anymore and he doesn’t talk to me since I told him that I heard my last fu. He’s really just mad that he doesn’t have full run of a 1056-square foot basement including his own bedroom where his gf can come and go. Someday, he will realize that he makes his own messes. I don’t deny mental illness, but he lets it rule him. He’s been in therapy since he was 6 and completed 40-weeks of a very expensive Dialectical Behavior Therapy Group (DBT) and was only supposed to take two-months off and then do intensive work in that area, but he hasn’t called a new therapist. I’ll see it on my insurance if his gf ever makes him do that. I think that if he’d get up in the morning and take a simple walk, he’d feel better. He could make food when he got back and have some free time before he coaches at night. He told his Dad that he is taking a “senior year,” and his Dad said, “If you don’t have a full-time job by next spring, you’re a bum.” I’m sure that they’re having lots of fun in 403-square feet together.

I had one dog, and my ex-wife insisted on all these pets. They’re hard to afford, hairy, and make lots of messes. I do love them. They’re a ton of responsibility, but I’ll see it through. I do love them, but they are so much work and care.

While all these things were happening with my son, and I was in a new marriage, my parents went downhill. Several weeks after I turned 40 my Mom shattered her shoulder. About a year before that, my Dad stopped sleeping. I think it was the very beginning of dementia. Like me, he was always a good sleeper. I can’t tell you all the stress it caused to respond to all the falls that they both had while I was working two jobs, doing training, parenting and trying to preserve a new marriage.

One time there was blood all over the stairwell when I went to turn off all the lights at their house when my Dad was in the hospital for 4-days. They’d always discharge him to home and it would be another round. My Mom was at home with higher levels of private care (They used to have 225k in cash in an Account.) from 2014 to 2018 when she transitioned from care at home (17-21k per month) to the nursing home which is an average of 11k per month. She spent down, I did failed applications, and finally found a consultant, and got Medicaid. My Dad followed her midway through 2019. COVID would kill him and he would die with staff around him in hazmat suits on April 19, 2020. It was a blessing. He didn’t sleep except during the day and couldn’t communicate well and mostly sat in his bed with his eyes closed and earphones on listening to jazz. My Mom got COVID that June (2020) and her health just declined until she died on December 1, 2021.

My job involves taking care of students who are 11 through adulthood. It’s also very stressful. I’m only going to do it for 6 more years. I should mention that I teach graduate school too, and have also coordinated a graduate program. Neither of the people that I have been married to have contributed to my mortgage, or really ever had lasting careers. My ex-husband paid half of the monthly mortgage payment for one year, and then promptly quit his good job and that was back in 2003. He didn’t work, clean, cook or help for 8-months as he was “finding himself.” I work and make money. I have been responsible for so many people, am still at work, and for these 5 pets.

In relationship, I don’t ever want to be responsible for anyone ever again. I’m waiting for my son to need his money–I have 20k in an ESA for school–or need to move out of his Dad’s 403-square-foot apartment. I suppose that he may just move in his gf’s parents’ big house. They’re really wealthy. He met her in his DBT treatment. I could see him getting others to take care of him. He really doesn’t like to do much with the exception of watch YouTube and Netflix.

However, with intimate partners, I want to keep it simple and respectful. I want to have intentional time together that is mutually carved out. I want to take care of myself as well as I can now. As a 48-year-old person, I think that it’s time for me to be the best person that I can be so that I can add to others’ lives and they can enhance mine.

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A tiny bit juicy

So, there was this Thai lunch counter with four tables (You couldn’t sit at them unless you made a reservation and they accepted no walk-in sit downs.) in the area where I worked for seven-and-a-half years and I ate there with members of our consultation team. It was so good. I went back a few times before it closed, and miss the restaurant. It was HOT. And, I mean really hot, and sometimes not palatable. My son’s godfather is half Thai and said, “No one actually cooks like that,” but the owner was from Thailand. You ordered mild, medium, hot or Thai hot. Medium was very, very spicy. You also ordered dry, baby juicy, a little bit juicy, all the way up to very juicy. That referred to sauce.

I worked yesterday, biked to the insurance company–I only drove to work one of the three days that I worked this week and that was because I was when I had to go straight to the house for the walkthrough and then to dinner with the author–and then home to teach on Zoom. I got ready and was pretty close to where I’d be with another one of my Bosses for the night when she said that the Lyft was picking her up in 8-minutes. I called her and said, “I don’t drink much, so I can drive you.”

We had a lot of fun. I noticed something very odd about men though. They would stare, mostly at my friend, and we’d smile and they would avert their eyes. Peter McGraw says that men are unpopular these days and approaching someone in public is a bad idea. That’s sad. I was wondering what people think about that generally? I’m not an expert on men. We didn’t get a single phone number or even conversation started for her.

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay
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Future

I can stop the three jobs that I have currently in six-years. I want to work outside and also want to work 20-hours a week. I think that with the bank holidays I have 16-weeks off every year, and really have no idea how people have 2 or none. My work wears me out. I don’t see myself retiring for another 17-years, but I do see myself working way less. I’ll be so excited not to have a mortgage in 6-years too. I think that I can start pulling from my pension when I’m 59-and-a-half, which is about 10-and-a-half-years from right now.

The house looks pretty good. I went over there last night before my guitar class. To me, it’s just making sure that the carpet is ok, the carport security door has been fixed, and there is damage to the closet door (hollow core) in the basement bedroom now. Otherwise, I know that the new Project Manager would like all outlet covers and light switch plates matching and are, well, on. I think that they put silicon on the wasp hole. There was zero activity. I saw one more Chinese Elm in the day lilies, and think that we should buy a few plants for the garden beds, and my best friend is going to help with that tomorrow morning. I may put Round Up in the driveway on the cracks. If there is any chance of rain or any wind, I won’t. I don’t use it at my house because of butterflies and bees, but where the house that I’m selling is there are mostly lawns and such. People don’t seem to think about impact over there. Hopefully, the realtor and I can complete the final walkthrough with the company this week. Hopefully, she won’t hug me.

Yesterday marked a year from when my son has to move out of my house. After he does I’m going to take everything out of my house. I want a fresh start and whole vibe here. The porch extension will start that feeling. I’d like to begin that in May of next year so that it’s done before the heat ensues.

Climate change is really odd here in the desert. We have just begun extremities. The spring was incredibly wet, and once we were a month into summer, we started having extreme heat. I think that means that some March seasons we could get 4-5 feet of snow. It melts here because of our elevation, but that will be another extremity.

Last night I woke up right at midnight and was super hot. I think that it was 79 in my house. I noticed that my son and his girlfriend weren’t home yet and was surprised. I went back to my room and heard them about 10-minutes later and then they were gone. I texted and called him and they went to the gas station to get snacks. Teenagers are so gross. I really struggle with his huge stomach. I wish that he cared, but he doesn’t, and he has a really nice face so girls don’t seem to care either. He said that they had fun dancing. I doubt that I’ll see him before I leave this morning. I have to take our long haired cat to the groomers and plan to walk for about 45-minutes and then I’m going to read. We’ll see what he talks about with respect to the climber when I see him before I go bowling.

Years ago when my son was breaking laws and getting into trouble at school I heard a book review of “Far from the Tree,” and then I read more about the book. I finally ordered it as a used copy. If you’ve never used abebooks, you really should because you just pay to have books shipped to you. You can get almost anything for a few dollars. Anyway, it is so thick! It’s also great. I have just started the chapter on deafness. It would be great if I could finish it by August 13th. After that day, I’m back in the work tunnel!

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Healthy versus Unhealthy

There is a picture of a radish on a blog that I read, and I also have some Asian radishes that I need to finish in my refrigerator. Has anyone seen “Living on One Dollar?” Growing radishes is featured in that documentary, which is quite good. A study of participants trying to complete an impossible tracing task involved chocolate chip cookies and radishes is featured in a small video from Fast Company (the Heath brothers). Are radishes healthy?

I’m sometimes not. I get obsessed with sports and pretend that I can play them with giant men. Thus, a blown quad. Enter currently the still healing pinky. It’s called denying your own limitations. It’s part of the unhealthy realm of the 8 as measured by the Enneagram. Eights at their worse can self-destruct because although they’re a body type who are physical; they tend toward pushing their bodies. I have been thinking about watching the climber fall asleep in a meeting, falling asleep in my car on the commute home, how grouchy she can respond to people when she’s obviously tired. The latter likely has to do with being woken up when you’re going to finally get rapid eye movement which you need for health. It’s scary that she put her car in park while driving down a street and fell asleep at the wheel. Denial. I deny that I’ll be 49 in September and get joy out of how well I pitch in kickball. The climber denies a need for sleep. Eights are given to excess and denial when they’re behaving unhealthy.

I had quite the nightmare. After my son gets out of the shower whilst playing music that I listened to in high school, but from his district-provided laptop, I’ll tell him about it. A bookkeeper who I know called me and said, “Your boy didn’t go to his final today. He’s left the building.” His Dad called me and said that he picked him up near one of the highways and that right before he was to take a final for Spanish that a friend said that he should enroll in a high school GED program. I asked why and told my son that he doesn’t need a full program having passed all the practice tests, and he couldn’t give me a straight answer that made sense. Yikes. Terrifying. And unhealthy. How do we all stay healthy?

Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay
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New one: Fosse (2021)

I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).

I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.

For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.

“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂

I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.

Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.

The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.

I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.

Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.

A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!

“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.

Image by iqbal nuril anwar from Pixabay
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Solo Polyamory

Last fall I realized and made known to anyone who was talking to me about romance and relationship that I wanted never to mix finances or live with anyone. My divorce finalized a couple of weeks before my 48th birthday last fall. Then enter the climber who is poly and gender non-conforming and we had a fun outdoor climb. I started thinking is there a way to not be like her and live with people but be poly? I ran across this blog entry: https://holierthantao.com/2023/04/03/exploring-relationships-beyond-monogamy-the-rise-of-ethical-non-monogamy/

I nodded over and over as I read it, and then began some research. I read “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Here is a podcast that I found after I’d read a 10-year-old book: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/solo-polyamory/id1493565823?i=1000570686209

That was amazing for me. One of the people that Peter McGraw interviewed has had two “sweethearts” for years. Another woman interviewed has had a 6-month, year, and three-year relationship and has just started up with someone exciting who provides that which is referred to as “new relationship energy” (NRE) in the polyamorous world. A book comes out next winter and I’ll definitely read it.

Now, it’s time for me to go on more dates or spend more time with different women. I’m not sure how though to be completely honest via my incognito blog-diary. I think that I’ll join a group in May or June. I’m not a particularly social person. I do much better 1-1. I force myself to play kickball and bowl with strangers and now that our latter team has disbanded, I’m bowling with two colleagues and one of the colleague’s cousins on the gay league still. I also go to a guitar class each week, and don’t really like the social aspect. I just go to get better on the guitar. I’m trained as a psychologist; although, I never took the EPPP and did post-doc stuff in higher ed instead. (I would have had to taken it and passed it between the fall of 2014-2021 and never really studied much.) I mention that because people like to talk to me: a lot. I don’t love conversation unless it’s interesting.

When you’re a solo polyamorist you don’t personally have a primary relationship. There isn’t a triad or quad. I’ve done a vee and been in a dishonest quad. The former two-years after the divorce from my ex-husband and the latter in college, which really feels like a thousand years ago. What I didn’t like was the pressure in those. You have to follow through on things because the person that you’re with has other obligations at times, so you have to be available when the woman is.

I don’t want a primary relationship again. I don’t mind being on the side of some woman’s geometry, but don’t want to have to ask anyone who I can kiss. Additionally, when one reads NYT or the like what you’ll find are interviews of women who have two boyfriends. That isn’t me.

I also am independent and have a whole bunch of hobbies which my jobs get in the way of–especially in the spring. My health is so important to me. I like to sleep 7-10 hours, cook and eat really good food, and when I can’t cook I like to have a crispy apple, a can of albacore and an avocado. My sleep, nutrition and exercise were something that I compromised in both of my marriages. I’ll never do that again.

Solo polyamorous people don’t have a most significant other and their primary relationship is with themselves. I am a great date. I concentrate on that person completely, don’t use or even check my phone, and am an impeccable listener who asks good questions and can remember with uncanny detail what women tell me. I am a great friend. I cook for new mothers weekly, I drop off meals for women who have lost a family member, I coordinate details and make food for birthday parties, I call often friends who are going through difficult times. These, the romantic, and the platonic efforts, all come from me and I don’t have any expectation for anything in return. I love others all the time.

Here I am. My best friend is married and has two different jobs and various employees. I would say that all of my long-term friends, as defined as a minimum of 20-years, are either married or in longer term monogamous relationships. These folks are busy with work and other things. They’re also all: straight. I think that I need to have intentional new friendships and I think that I need to have poly role-models. There are certainly things that I don’t ever want to do: live with someone, give money to someone, put all of my love into one woman, or be in large groups for hours. I wonder what is next for me this spring and summer?

Image by xiSerge from Pixabay
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My mistaken quad

In the execution of my life, which is slow processing, I realized yesterday that I had a quad before and it was full of missteps. My best friend had a belated birthday party Friday night. I talked with a clinical psychologist about where I am. Then she told me something that only her husband and daughters know. She had been exclusively with women her whole life. The sole man that she has slept with is her current husband with whom she’s very much in love. She told me, “I really like your life plan.” I also talked with my best friend’s singing partner’s partner at length as well. She had an open marriage and was deep in the kink scene. I’ll bet that she knows my Boss’ sister! Small world, and it got my wheels of the past turning.

My college girlfriend was heteroflexible. So, I’ll be her only woman; although, she does find women beautiful. I was pretty uncomfortable with my sexuality until I was 33, so our relationship was pretty one-way sexually speaking. I introduced her to a boy that I went to high school with and they carried on a distance relationship with visits and such. I don’t know why it didn’t make me jealous. When she began sleeping with a guy who had roomed across the hall from the guy who became my husband, I got crazy. I wrote her letters and told her that cheating on my high school classmate was wrong. Was it? No, she was falling in love with this guy with whom she’s been in a long-term marriage for probably 23 or 24-years now.

The whole thing is dishonest. We were in a quad for at least 6-months, and only she and I knew about it. So, I was cheating too because my high school classmate didn’t know. I slept with my future husband, and then that ended our quad.

I’m on pg. 227 in Sheff (2013) and people do this kind of thing all the time. I won’t again. When I get into a triad or quad, it will be an open and honest union. I think that ethical and consensual non-monogamy should involve straightforward talk about what everyone needs. I think that looking back, the men would have freaked out completely had they known that I was sleeping with her for years. We were too young to navigate polyamory. I’m glad that I have had two experiences with it though as I venture out into new partnerships.

I was worthless yesterday. My son has a dog and cat sitting gig and busted into the house a bit before 7 yesterday and disturbed my REM cycle. I didn’t do much at all. This morning, I have already deep cleaned litter boxes, have burritos in the oven, am drinking coffee and have my laundry downstairs. I lift today at the gym. I’ll get more of the litter which is difficult to find on my way home. I sing tomorrow with two colleagues and the nice guy at the good venue. I’m hosting an open house for dinner and music on Thursday, and will invite the nice guy and his gf, the climber and her sister who’s visiting in addition to any other member of her household, and my best friend is a definite yes. My best friend’s singing partner is coming and her partner who used to have an open marriage is coming late. Therefore, the house needs to be addressed today and I need to do some yard work! I’ll write on Friday unless something that I need to process occurs.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay
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April Fool’s Day

The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:

I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.

I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.

I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:

“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.

My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.

My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.

I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!

Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!

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Try it again

I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:

You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.

I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.

I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.

My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.

It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.

My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.

I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!

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Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.

Image by tookapic from Pixabay
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Social Butterfly

It took forever to get up to the lunch spot that the host picked. A pickup and some semis had a collision near one of the mountain passes so traffic accordioned back although the accident had been cleared. When I got there, Vegan was there! I was shocked. The host and her partner said, “Well, you pretty much have your doctorate.” So the rules are loose and you can bring friends. Check. No neuroscientist and no medical school director in attendance. Fairly nice lunch. The butterfly had hosted a Christmas Party recently and I said, “I thought that you said, ‘no more potlucks?'” She explained it was mostly outside our group, and then I learned that it was for an elite group within our group. I just said, “Gotcha. It was for people who you care about.” Lesbians can be incredibly exclusive. It makes everything difficult with dating for sure. Lunch was only slightly awkward, but the friend of the cardiologist who I’d met before at a beer garden happy hour and I talked a bit, and I finished her hashbrowns. I noted that I liked them both.

I talked a bit with Vegan. She’s a really good skier so on the downhills on the groomed snowshoeing trail, she got some speed and went down fast. I was talking with the cardiologist and her friend again, and helped the cardiologist get into her cross country skis by pushing the side of my gigantic snowshoe into the front of her ski and she got clipped in. (My snowshoes were given to me by my ex who just got a liver transplant, and she’s a hair under 6′, so they’re really too big for me, but I’m a minimalist amd won’t buy new snowshoes.) However, there was massive ice on the road between the trails, so the cardiologist fell and had to go back. Our group met up with them again on the downhill and I told the group, “I’m going back up with them because I drove all the way up here, and have barely hiked!” The cardiologist was faring much better in snowshoes! Great conversation and connection. I just love the cardiologist and her friend.

We got down to the bottom and were hanging out in a group–Vegan was gone because she had another obligation–and I told them about karaoke a couple of Thursdays ago. The host said that would be our next thing. It will be cool. I explained that things happen there like me kissing 30-year-old women so we need to keep things on the dl. Social butterfly was in costume and her snowshoes still, but everyone else was loosening up and getting beer samples. Then the cardiologist and her friend and I caravanned back to their hotel and spa and went to dinner. We had a wonderful time. I’ll make sure that I see them as often as they can make time to meet up with me. They included me and were genuinely interested in me. I had such a wonderful time yesterday and feel encouraged–so grateful that I’m even dealing with losing an hour this morning!

Image by Hans from Pixabay
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Pins, Young Ladies and Facing the Music

I have taken off my homemade splint. The top pinky joint was broken, and the second joint dislocated. It’s going to take some time. I am using a hand strengthening ball at work when I’m talking to clients. I bowled without it, and in my third and final game I got my new approach down and bowled 152. I’ll take it. My other games were bad though so my average was only 115. We have made a small spare dance and also a bowing with crossed arms for strikes. It’s a hoot.

I have a gay bf. His name is Owen. We love each other. We talked again last night. He makes mannequins and is tall, gentle and sweet. He moves to OH with his soon-to-be-husband soon. The ladies on the lane next to us were cute and I think in their 20s. We’ll play them soon. Super fun.

I’m snowshoeing with my lady doctorate peeps. I have to face the medical school director and the neuroscientist on Saturday. It’s all good. Calm and cool. Time to shower and bike to work!

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay
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No chemistry

My initial impressions were correct. I like Vegan. She’s so cool. She’s full of forgiveness and acceptance. I can’t kiss Vegan and I didn’t hug her. She hugged me though. I stepped on the toe of her boot and put my leg back.

When I was making out with the climber in October–the very first time that we did–we did all kinds of kissing and such. It lasted over 3.5-hours. We had paused and I was running the tips of my fingers up her back and down the sides of her face. She asked me to do that more. I asked her, “I wonder why our teeth never hit?’ She said, “I think when we’re both riding skateboards, kissing while going down a hill, they will.” We both laughed, and kissed more. Chemistry is a real thing and you’ll never be able to get reductive and analyze all the factors behind it. She and I have it. Indoor ice climbing would have been very fun on Monday night. Damn pinky! All that being said, the nice guy got COVID and is out until Wednesday. I’m making making the climber coffee and bringing her milk and sugar. Just us in the car if it all works out!

Vegan and I talked about our marriages. It’s helpful to have her as a friend. Her marriage petered out. Mine was fraught with unpredictability wherein she’d move out or quit jobs.

My wife was like a beautiful and less violent version of my Dad. I have to be completely honest with myself that is either: 1) normal for me, or something that 2) I’m attracted to. I know that my ex-wife is beautiful. She’s tall and has a killer body. She lives 12-hours away with her mother and I don’t have to see her. I would have a lot of trouble when she’s in a normal mood cycle not touching her. Her shirt rode up the last time that we truly spoke in June and I ran my fingers lightly up her back over her incredibly faded tattoo of a character from “Moondreamers.” Not cool. We’d filed three-weeks earlier. Chemistry is real.

Regarding other redheads… If I run into the 5’9″ one again, I’ll kiss her. She seemed pretty cool. She goes out in a group with her friends occasionally.

I’m looking for partners and liaisons. The former would need to be women who are those with whom I have intimacy, and the latter would be those with whom I hang out with and don’t get completely naked. I can add some friends too.

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Little Updates

I think that the fracture was mostly at the top joint. There is a smaller one down the side. It’s healing though which is good. It’s almost a week. At 6:30 tonight, it will be just that–one week. I’m not going too nuts. I don’t love not being able to plank, but I’m not completely crazy.

It’s the third one that I have broken. When I graduated with my two Bachelor’s in 1997, my left ring finger was taped to my pinky on a tongue depressor. I caught a basketball pass incorrectly playing pickup three-on-three. It looks funny wherein I am shaking the President’s hand with my other hand injured in my cap and gown picture. Then in 2015 or 16 my dog ran one way while I was picking up my wife’s (ex now) dog’s poop and she snapped my right ring finger. Three fingers, so I know and don’t need to do the $60 co-pay. I’ll rehab it too. Our new Occupational Therapist at my main site is so cool, so I’ll ask her about it when I start doing hand strengthening.

I am not going to stay with this league. I paid for March and April for the old one. I had fun in the summer kickball and really these huge men are a bit strong for me to hang–especially in dodgeball. I also don’t like this team manager. She’s rude and kinda stuck up. I’m going back to what I knew. I played on a Meet Up kickball league about 10-years-ago and there was one guy who pitched as hard as he could. I blew my quad kicking it.

I have to expect that playing sports causes injuries. I just want to be a little more circumspect. I do want to keep playing rec sports though.

I have been walking and biking. It’s a little difficult to bike over bumps because of my pinky and pain, but I’m getting it done. I had fun at the Mardi Gras party that I went to last night, and am looking forward to seeing my teammates and my colleague tonight at the cowboy bar. I’m being social and as active as I can injured. I also have practiced guitar three times. I think that I’m doing as well as I can. I hope that my son can stop lying about vaping, and have told him–as I caught him again–that it was the last time that is happening in the house if he wants to live here. We’ll see. It’s nice again, so I’m going to add to my biking right now. Hopefully, I will meet a nice woman tonight. I’m super behind on that goal.

  1. Calm and cool – Absolutely
  2. Spend less – Moderate progress as the convention and being away from my house set me back
  3. Do you – yep, and helping others
  4. Lift like a girl – damn pinky; another setback
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption – check! Only three over the course of 4.5 hours with massive amounts of food at the Mardi Gras Party
  6. Get big – I am bigger, but have a small injury setback currently. Thursday – now: 30,058 steps & 13 miles cycling
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart – Check
  8. Sing – Check
  9. Play guitar – Moderate progress
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Quickie

Nope.

I had a ton of fun at dodgeball. I did get hit in the butt, and it stung! Then, I got hit the face, which was really sucky. Then I saw my fifth penis. Yikes. I went outside and changed into a long sleeved shirt in my car and realized that I’d left my water bottle on the court. It’s so, so cold, so that much in and out of cars and buildings made me have to pee, and I went to do that and the ref was peeing. Embarrassing. Terrifying.

I went to the cowboy bear bar and talked with a woman on the opposing team. It was so cool because I worked at her school in 2009! She’s like a success story. She got out of a terrible neighborhood, was never parented and really raised her brother. We had a great talk, and her teammates were very cool. I don’t have many gay guy friends because sometimes they act strangely effeminate which strikes me as disingenuous or they get loaded and feel you up. Then they say that they just like breasts and aren’t into you. I don’t like that. No problem on Sunday night though and I had fun. Our team manager actively flirts with me. She is a good hugger. She is really overweight and a child though, so definitely not a love interest.

I told my other colleague who does a similar job to me that I keep getting hit on by men when I ate lunch with her yesterday. That was much of the night when we had to move venues Saturday for our prowl. She told me that I should basically switch hit. I said that I have only ever seen 5 penises and love men, and it’s not a sexual thing for me. I don’t think that she understands, which is fine.

I think that the climber has missed over three-days of work. She really hasn’t worked a ton in January. She must be hot and heavy with a new partner. I know that she doesn’t sleep much. Again, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to interact with her yesterday anyway, but it’s odd how she was gone an extra day for her birthday weekend, we didn’t work mid-week that week anyway, and then missed Thursday, Friday and Monday. If she’s now sick, that is really sick. When I was in my twenties, I used to get sick and missed work. I’ve rarely missed any work at all in the last 8-years. My immune system is really good too. I attribute much of that to this:

I also take a multivitamin and 4300 grams daily of high grade fish oil. I think those are my sweet spot. Did you know that fungus covers our earth? Taking an immune enhancing mushroom blend is honestly helpful. Watch this TED talk if you’re incredulous:

Blew my mind.

I don’t miss work, because I don’t get sick. I’ve never had COVID although I’ve had super direct exposure. I like good food, sleep and exercise too, which likely helps. I’m getting so excited to meet women next week and be away from work. I’m going to cook on Sunday afternoon and bring food to work on Monday to thank staff for actively screening kids for mental health problems that we can address. It will be a nice way to kick off my week next week, and then it’s four-days of convention! Woo-hoo.

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Pools

I went to work yesterday and was what has become my emotional and behavioral baseline which is a bit nervous, and altered into worry because she wasn’t there nor was her commuting partner. My work partner is back finally after, honestly, almost dying, so I went to her office for several minutes too.

I should probably tell that story. There is a chance that if I stuff it and don’t write about it that I’ll have weird dreams or parts will come out in conversation.

My son and I went touristy caving in August. It was a long, long drive. I’ve worked with one of my work partners for going on 6-years. She and I have never been super close, but we have a great working relationship. Her Dad got very sick last April and had to go to the Mayo Clinic. He had so many blood clots a the time. She hates driving. I don’t love it and don’t enjoy being in a car, but I’m a good driver. My son and I were having dinner with her in August and she said that she needed to see her Dad but couldn’t drive and my son said, “We’re going there in two-weeks and can take you,” and she was so grateful. The initial leg of our trip was way out of the way and on the way back we asked her to meet us near another highway to reduce time and mileage. It all worked out. However, her Dad died just under two-months later because he actually had fast-progressing cancer.

Then she became suicidal. She drank hard alcohol, didn’t drink water (You HAVE to drink water here because it’s so dry.) and stopped eating. I took her food and also dropped off food for her daughter. She kinda stopped parenting last fall. She came back to work and off leave and went promptly home after a couple of hours. Then she was drunk for our next several phone calls. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum. Go into rehab or I’m dispatching a welfare check. She was hospitalized for 6-days. She’s getting lots of bills. However, she’s alive. In a training that I lead one line that I learned is “I’d rather have you mad at me, than dead at me.” We’re friends now. So weird.

When I went out into the hall I saw the climber–so glad that she was at work–and said, “Happy New Year, _____,” and thought fuck it, so I hugged her close and tight in the hallway. Easy to get away with that stuff under the guise of 2023. So nice. A little later I said that I wanted to show her my tattoo. It is finally finished. It was done later in the month in 2013 and some on the top of my hips hurt like hell, so I never finished it. (That area hurt again too. Ribs are ok, and body fat is not on me.) We went back to my office and then four people were there. Of course they were. I’m going to ask her Monday if I can take her out to dinner for her birthday next Monday and then I can show it to her in my car or something. I just want to make plans for this month. She invited me to a community dance last night, and I just don’t feel confident about that yet. I need to get lessons squared away. She also said that I should do a sing along at her house sometime. I could go for that. I’m getting way better chording on this guitar that I bought.

I led an hour-long training yesterday afternoon for everyone. I couldn’t even look at her. So, she got one of the notebooks that I brought and some colored pencils and drew. She’s so cool. After my training and after our meeting was done, I gave her the unopened bag of Bark Thins and the one that had been opened and asked her take it to her house. I think that she has five roommates in her giant house that she owns. She handed me back the unopened one and I told her please that my son doesn’t need it and needs to lose weight. She thanked me.

I need a new pool. One of my bosses was talking shit to me on Tuesday because he’s been out on all kinds of dates and I have had one in the last two weeks. I said, “Yeah, you swipe,” and he said, “No, I met her on Facebook.” Don’t know how the Facebook dating app is different than swiping, but ok. You’re better at pool and bowling than I am and you win on dating. I just need a big pool.

Goddess of the cyclist/hiker hear me! Where is that pool?

I’m excited for a convention next month. My old friend who moved back to California may come too. She asked me to send her a picture from my wedding via text, and I said, “No way.” Then I realized it was super rude so I texted that I was divorced. She felt so badly that she didn’t know, so she said she’d come next month for the convention. We spoke and she said that she can get funding for the Conference, so we may connect there. I’m excited to network at the convention and maybe have a long distance hiker and biker.

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Exciting reconnection

My best friend is a musician. She is also very, very extroverted. During the height of the first COVID summer my ex-wife and I were in her backyard with another couple drinking and eating cheese and veggies. I had brought a beautiful bottle of Rosé, and it was good, and the bottle and stopper were gorgeous. I was drinking. My ex-wife doesn’t drink at all. Awkward doesn’t scratch the surface. One of the women with whom she’d performed in an amazing canyon the summer before just has dark energy. Her partner sat mostly quietly. My ex-wife wanted to leave when we got there. That wasn’t unique.

My best friend was having a concert this October and it was going to be at the partner’s house. Not sure when the couple broke up. I’ll find out soon. The concert was fairly inexpensive, but the people she’d invited couldn’t afford it, so it was cancelled. My best friend was disappointed because she really wants me to be connected with this woman. Last Wednesday, my best friend had lunch with her and she told her to give her my number. Not sure why my best friend wasn’t down for that, but she sent us a connection email.

Here is what I wrote back to the connection email:

“Hi, ___,

Do you hike or cycle?

Kindly,

______.”

Several days later I got back the cutest email. She doesn’t remember me. When you’re in partnership that’s exclusive and you live together it has an effect on what you see, connect to, and are open with in terms of others. I sent her a picture of a glass wine stopper because she had complimented the bottle two-years ago–my God, it will be three in July, and now that I’m thinking about it, I think that bottle is in my son’s room with a plant in it, but I wanted her to have a visual of something she’d said to me then. She had given me her number in the cute email, so we’ve exchanged lots of texts Monday through yesterday. I wasn’t heavily flirtatious or anything, but we’d just made plans so I wanted to her to have the knowledge that we did indeed meet almost three years ago so I sent that picture.

She had said in her email that she’d like to get a drink/coffee/hike/bike. I made hiking plans with her for Sunday. I actually can’t wait! She’s really cute. Reddish, blondish hair, large blue eyes. I can’t remember, but I do think she’s taller than me which is my historical norm. I want: great conversation, and two hugs. I want the last hug to be tighter and closer. Of course, I’ll get what I want and that’s exercise. I need a woman with whom I can hike and bike who I think is attractive. I don’t necessarily need to be taught something from a woman such as climbing or dancing, because it creates a power differential, which I don’t think is super healthy with someone who you kiss.

The climber is all stressed out. When I see her on Thursday at the tail end of my work party, I’m just going to give her a hug and read her energy. She had to make an appointment for Thursday and I thought that it was going to be Monday, but the person helping her with legal navigation with her ex wasn’t available on Monday. I don’t have any expectations for Thursday and have loved our last four times together with the exception of her worrying that I want to be her girlfriend after the ballet. I don’t want a girlfriend/partner.

I tell everyone the same thing. I don’t want to live with anyone, I don’t want a marriage, and I never want financial entanglements. I don’t have the energy that is required in exclusive love relationships. I also have come to a decision that like your friends, you can have girlfriends that you like to do different things with: go to dog parks, potlucks, adventures, dress-up dates, hikes, etc. I really don’t even have enough experience yet to know all the possibilities. I will tell you that after I broke up with my ex who is likely dying that I went straight into another partnership and was convinced of a “one.” That is nauseating bullshit. I’m not everything for anyone and why would there be for me?

I’m not afraid of commitment. I could be with two or three different women and those could be the ones who I see. I do think that when sex occurs that I’ll go back to therapy. The climber was super relieved that I’ve had a date since she belayed me and that I had asked out another woman who said life was hectic right now. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but I don’t want to talk about other women with women and she said that she wants to hear that stuff. I won’t give details unless I’m asked though, because I don’t want repeats of what I had in 2010 listening to a woman bitch about another woman she is intimate with, because that doesn’t work for me. Again, when things progress physically, I will get a new therapist.

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Push it

Not Salt and Peppa. I’m trying to force myself to go to a new bar in two-hours. My son and I did our community walk this morning, and then I did some deep cleaning of some items. I ate some food and biked nearly five-miles. I did a group ride of 8-miles and biked about 5-home, so I feel good about exercise today.

Tomorrow I’m doing a new abs routine. I want to do that and arms once a week. I don’t need a legs day. One time my Dad said, “Your legs look like a guy’s.” I’m glad.

The CEO had scary piano legs. Probably not much that you can do about that because it’s genetic.

My left leg was crushed in 1988 so the shin is really crooked, but I’m still fit. I just have a small left leg. When I was doing telesurveys in 1997 the creepy, tiny, overly developed ex-boxer told his partner, “Her legs don’t match.” Well, no shit, you little shit! My right leg is actually phenomenal. My ex wife called me “long thighs.” I have a knee muscle and four muscles on my calf. Again, don’t need a legs routine.

The arms are really coming back and I’m happy about that. Stomach. Sad. When my leg was crushed, and my pelvis in three pieces, the triage team was concerned that I had internal bleeding so they cut through my abdominal wall quickly in the vertical which left a large pink scar that I can’t tattoo over like I’ve done with my compound fracture scar on my tiny left leg. Makes for difficulty sculpting my stomach, but I’m motivated. What does Kevin Spacey say when his family male neighbor asks about his fitness goals? Oh, yes, “I want to look good naked.”

Back to the bar and pushing myself out. My friend had COVID all week, so she can’t do anything for three more days and then has to mask for 6 more days. We’ll prowl on December 29th. Yay. Monthly prowls.

However, I should go sing at the new bar, right? Maybe I’ll get an Uber. I’m writing and drinking. I was excited that they had karaoke by my house, and I called to confirm and he told me that the KJ now does it at a different bar. I need to go right? I had a couple of short conversations on the ride, so I don’t know if I will. I know that I should, but it’s not likely.

I might just cook four portions of food and hang. My brother would be 39 tomorrow. So, so sad. I would happily split the proceeds of the house less the realtor 10%, the 75K to the ex-wife and such. I wish that I had family close. My aunt took care of my parents’ house until my Mom died and then she moved 3-weeks later. I miss her too. Glad that I have my cousin half-an-hour away. It doesn’t matter if we don’t see each other for months, as we can just talk and talk, and talk.

Yikes. One beer and I’m really, really slowed down. I’m kid-free, but probably not going out tonight. The new bar can wait. If my friend didn’t have COVID, I would prowl though. I only need one short adult conversation everyday anyway, and I talked to three people for probably 20-minutes total during the ride. I biked 2/3 of the way home with this nice guy too. I hope to see him again. I love bro time. That’s all I need. A little adult convo, some bro time, and I’m usually ok. I just wonder if I should solo prowl and push myself. I just did the online Magic 8 Ball. “Should I force myself to go out?” “Don’t count on it.” Done. Not pushing it.

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Chill

My best friend from work who I worked for 2001 through 2005 told me “Good luck today” via text and I texted back “Calm and Cool.” We rolled in roughly the same time and I beelined to my office and sat there for fifteen minutes going through 82 emails when the intercom with our Boss’ voice said “Meeting at 8:10.” I strolled in at 8:09 and they were already meeting. After a pause a colleague said, “Did you cut your hair? It looks great.” She swiveled around in her chair at the Conference Table and I looked straight ahead at our boss after saying thank you to the colleague. I could feel her looking at me. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t notice her clean, long, blond hair and the way she had it tied back with the purple highlights showing when I strolled in at 8:09. When the meeting ended, I was the first one out the door. 10-minutes later she came into the office with my office mate and they were catching up. I had materials that were delivered to this building that I had to put in my car, so I ducked out. My other workmate who has the adjacent office was kinda leering into the office so I said, “Be right back” to him, and put the materials in my car and came back to the office and she was gone as was my office mate.

Around 8:45 she was going into her office wherein I was doing my morning routine of trips to rid myself of coffee that I really need to work and met her gaze in the hallway. I said, “Hi,” and she gave me the best, large smile and said, “Hello.” She had faded makeup on her eyes and looked super hot. I’m sure that I smiled large back at her.

At 9:30, she came into the large room at the front of my office that I share and was talking to our colleague and then she came in. She sat down and when I turned, our legs were really close together like they were on Halloween. We talked and her vacation wasn’t great. Mine really was. I said, “You should have pinged me!” She said, “You could have… All my housemates were sick all at different times, and I didn’t want to expose anyone.” The beginning of her sentence didn’t elude me. Yay. I asked her if we could go to one of those smashing places or throwing axes and she said that she was down. My officemate came in shortly after that. She took her leave.

I eat lunch with a colleague most Mondays, and did so today, and when I got back to my desk I had two texts. They were from her! “Lunch?” Several minutes later, “Want to get pizza?’ DAMMIT. I usually try to be a little screen free here and there. I texted an apology and later that I was sorry to miss an opportunity to connect. After work was over, I walked down the hall and she was in her office. She asked if I wanted to go to the ballet and that made me so happy because I had asked her on the 11th if she’d go to play, ballet, or symphony with me sometime as I had a nice cocktail dress. Her commuting partner came in shortly afterward, so I texted her tonight. Stay tuned, ya’ll.

It’s good to 1) not be weird, 2) avoid reading into anybody’s behavior, and 3) to be chill after you’ve had little contact.

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Timeline

This entry represents how much I’ve shifted with desire in relationships. After much reading and much discussion in groups, I realize that I don’t ever want to break up with anyone again. I want to do my very best to communicate directly and negotiate adding and reducing relationship factors. An example is adding emotional intimacy and subtracting financial arrangements. I know that I won’t marry or cohabit ever again.

2012

I want to focus on what I want and what I’m looking for, but will start with a preface that it doesn’t mean that it’s not in my current relationship.  We are just new…  Eight-days shy of 7-months and both equally independent and busy.  I’d rather reflect on I want and as everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus. So, at least for today, I will blog about what I value.

  • That’s stupid.  Be what you want.  You’ll attract people who you want to spend time with, and don’t count dates.  There could be shitty dates and exciting dates.  I’m glad that I’ve not seen or heard from the CEO in YEARS.  Who cares that I spent 7-months exclusively dating her?  Shame on me for trying to force a long-term relationship with someone so mean.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  I also like the noise water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up. Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy. Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

  • Yep, those things are still very, very good.  I have gaiters now too and know how to self-arrest with an ice axe, so I should bundle up and go soon.  Not solo though.  That’s stupid.  Love is expansive.  I love lots of people.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations. Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

  • Still love to cook.  Don’t have the need for a large dinner party, but my birthday party when I turned 48 was fun with my neighbors, my old work husband and his wife and my son.  I do need to practice guitar.  Teenagers don’t do anything.  At least he is dating a cheerleader now, so maybe he’ll dance again.  Been thinking about taking some dance lessons, actually.  I continue to have a thing for dancers and athletes.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubbing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that unfold and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are some things that I also value.

  • I can add to that walking on the beach and getting frisky.  That was fun too.  I went all over Mount Desert Island in June on a rented bike and it was phenomenal.  Gonna do that next June around the whole rim at Crater Lake, and I want to boat to Wizard Island.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, trails or on a singletrack. I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.

  • I bike to work everyday except for Mondays.  I have to drive on Mondays.  I have a police bike now and a road bike.  I donated that POS.  I LOVE cycling. I just bought my own mountain bike and want to get good at non-technical hill riding.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

  • Still have fortuitous circumstances unfold in the dark. The climber held me on a climber under moonlight when I told her that my ex-partner is either dying or waiting for a transplant and that my son and I will have to motor to NC at some point because of that.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

  • I don’t want any more children.  I hope that my son will be ok when he’s 25.  I drug test him weekly–it was hot today–and he gets a flip phone going as soon as the GPS that he has to carry that I’ll be subscribing to as a service is here and working.  Children are an active or psychic burden until they have a working brain.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful.  When I imagine this partner, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did. She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near Clear Creek in Buena Vista and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets. She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.  That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team.

  • I don’t want a partner.  I don’t want financial entanglements.  I am a complete sucker for green, hazel and blue eyes.  I love to laugh and will look forward to some fun sex when the time is right.  I don’t want to raise my son with anyone.  I want him to stabilize and get his act together.  My parents were not a concerted team, and I can’t think of an example of that with any of my friends.  I’m lucky that mine will be out of the house in July of 2024.  Then I can re-read this entry and see what’s shifted.  Love of parts of Colorado will never shift.
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New Chapter

I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer.  I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down.  I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me.  I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday.  I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post.  I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years.  It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.

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Engagement

I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding.  I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together.  Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit.  We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.  It was a retro fest of love.

Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park.  We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it.  Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house.  I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry.  It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.

We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall.  The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice.  The stars were phenomenal the second night.  We took a small hike today.  I love her.  I love being engaged.  I love starting my life on stable ground.

View from the trailhead