Tag Archives: Dating

by

Date

My current GF has a three-year-old. That means that this child is really her whole world. I hope that because she puts every ounce of herself into her child that will yield a securely attached person who can fit into the world.

That’s also meant that I make plans for all of our dates.

I’d like that to shift completely.

We went to an interesting talk on July 9th and out to dinner. I had fun. My GF paid for the babysitter and our dinners. The talk that we went to was related to her industry and she’d heard about it via someone she works with and a person she met at a work conference. I thanked her for the date plans and she laughed and said it wasn’t really a plan.

At the end of last year (12/31/24) she partially planned a date, and it included her best friend. She bought NYE concert tickets. I paid for parking, transportation, the babysitter and wound up tacking on dinner that night which I paid for as well. Her best friend showed up at the end of our dinner so we could transport together to the venue.

I think that last Saturday was the first full date that she planned and paid for over the course of our ten-month relationship.

She picked me up, we drove to another city, we took a stained glass class, we walked around an art fair and then had dinner together. She paid for the babysitter too.

We had a pretty tough conversation over dinner too. I feel like there were seeds planted that will continue to sprout going forward. However, the whole night yielded a net positive and we will likely have some more balanced experiences going forward. I really liked the date. I thanked her for it several times and it made me feel special.

Tonight we’re going to a theatrical rerelease of a film that I wasn’t able to see in the theater. It came out when I completed my undergraduate degree and was beginning my first round of graduate school. I’m not sure what time the babysitter will get to her, so I don’t know if we can get food before. My GF doesn’t do any carbohydrates for the most part and no sugar, so movie food isn’t an option. Worse case scenario is that we grab local burgers on the way home.

I’m a great date. I’m a great planner of dates too. I don’t take any time that I have with a beautiful woman for granted. I don’t believe in falling back on default responses or not engaging in meaningful experiences.

I hope that she knows that I want her to plan some dates for us.

by

Neighbors

I was walking home after a concert with the author last night and she asked me how my girlfriend and I are doing. I told her that we are doing well for the most part and that sometimes she gets emotional, which is unique for her, as she’s not particularly emotionally triggered by anything. She is a crier, and often has tears in her eyes, but is never angry and rarely irritated. We haven’t had a major disruption in the force because I’ve only kissed one woman who’s not even practical to date. However, things are brewing generally and we’ll see how it shifts.

The author and I were talking about this super young girl who was texting me pictures yesterday. I’ve been matched with her on the app since I got on the app. I’ve never met her.

She started that up about an hour before the author was to be at my house and I texted, “You’re a tease. If you want to go on a date at some point, let’s schedule.” I also told her later in the evening that I would block her if she doesn’t show on Friday.

Anyway, who knows what will happen with her on Friday? I mean it when I say that I’ll block her number. I’ll look at two pictures of her for awhile and then block her if she doesn’t show up. Purportedly, we’re having a negotiation conversation. That’s not anything that I’ve done before and the idea is appealing.

I was talking about this woman and a date that I had on Saturday and various other things when I heard, “Is that _____ ?” Oof. A neighbor. Listening to me talk about this young girl and my dating.

I also thought it was a different neighbor and introduced her to the author with the wrong name. After a bit, I realized that was the only thing that I was embarrassed about. I texted back and forth with her and she remarked about how funny the author is, and I sent her the author’s website. She basically said, “Good for you,” and wished me well. I only apologized for using the wrong name.

I guess that I don’t care who knows that I’m Solo Poly.

by

Women

I had a nice date with Mountain Girl and the turn off was marijuana. I totally get that it’s legal, but it grosses me out. It’s too adjacent to smoking cigarettes. She also lives really far away and I don’t want to hustle. I got in her Volvo two Saturdays ago and it smelled like pot smoke. We had fun, and she clearly likes me. I just don’t think that this is the situation that I’m pursuing.

I had a cancellation for a walking date and changed it to a phone date with different woman. I know that it’s all intermittent reinforcement and am hoping that something will materialize in the next month.

  1. Travel partner
  2. Mostly sober
  3. Physical intimacy
by

HER

After getting banned from Tinder, I made a HER account and almost had difficulty managing it for awhile. Now, it’s simple. If you’re not verified, I don’t message you. If you’re between 25-39 I assume that you only want sex or a sugar mama. Pretty straightforward.

Enter the mountain girl.

But, first let me tell you what I had learned and utilized.

I had a rhythm. If you were real, I either waited until you messaged me or vice versa and then I scheduled a phone call. Sometimes it wasn’t getting to latter because plenty of women either freak out when you’re Solo Poly or when they really see that you are, after more DMs, they stop writing to you.

That’s all good.

I’m not looking for a standard cohabiting escalator partner.

I won’t change my mind.

I just want at least one other GFs and will continue to be open to the correct comet situations.

The mountain girl hails from Dallas and has also lived in Connecticut and travelled all over the east coast. She moved here with her partner and ran a pizzeria for awhile. They’ve been divorced a year. She’s mostly retired and has all her own money. She has a boyfriend and is a relationship anarchist. She builds her relationships individually with each person including her friends. This blog entry is a good overview of things that I believe about myself and what terms are typically in relationship anarchy.

We had great DMs and then wound up talking just under 50-minutes. She went on a weekend vacation with her BF and was texting me. That would’ve really irritated me, so that would be something that she and I would talk about prior, if we reach that level and stage.

I’m going to be in the mountains all weekend for a polyamory event.

The mountain girl and I spoke on the phone twice yesterday and I told her if it’s flex this weekend with having folks come to pick me up and not stay for a bit that I’d love to have some in person time with her. I texted the author and she said that I’m not chained to the house so of course I can meet up with her.

I can’t wait to see if we also have in person chemistry. She’s normally 4-hours away from me, and I tend to think that it’s nice to miss someone. I’m excited to see what is what. I’m also excited for my event this weekend.

by

Drawing Board

I thought that we had a nice date. I hope that she’s not having buyer’s remorse. I’ve barely heard from her. If she cancels next Thursday, I guess that I can ask her before the music night that my best friend is hosting, or even when she confirms or cancels Thursday, if she wants to still hang out. She’s entangled with a guy who sounds like he has Avoidant Attachment. I tried very hard to get her to consider having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Her thing is that he is not even committed to her and it’s mostly FWB, so it’s difficult for her to see that scenario.

I was banned from Tinder. Hahahahahaha. They don’t give any information with regards to who reported you or why you can’t log in. I asked for a refund because you can’t file an appeal if your account has been shut off rendering you unable to login at all.

I tried another help ticket and got similar information. They don’t tell you anything. You just can’t login, which also means that you can’t make an appeal.

So, I made a HER account the following day and it just blows up. I can’t even keep up with it. I have a phone date to see if a walk is a good idea on Tuesday.

I finally get to hang out with my current GF 1-1 on Saturday. Thank you.

She had asked me in April to host a BBQ for her best friend, which I’m doing. I can stand and will ice and elevate between grilling. My knee still sucks bad. LA is making salads for it. I still need to run to Costco to get burgers and run by the bread store to get buns. I’m going to spend all day cleaning on Sunday.

My son and his new bromance helped me weed for an hour on Wednesday. It’s so nice to have help!

Unless something huge happens, I’m not going to write anything until mid-June. I don’t think that I’ve ever needed my Solo Vacation this badly.

by

Ouch

In addition to the severe osteoarthritis that I have, I also have chondromalacia, and have written about the damage that I did to the cartilage behind my knee. I also have bone marrow edema in my femur. I’m in a ton of pain and need to connect with my neighbor–she offered–who is a Physical Therapist.

That’s not the main topic.

It does hurt like a MF though.

I don’t think that I mentioned that there was this gigantic man was coming up the stairs when my girlfriend and I were looking for a restaurant on May 3rd. I noticed his arms, because that tends to make me feel really envious. I always wish that I could get that big. My girlfriend told me that he was breathtaking later in the evening. I didn’t love that, because I want my date to be on a date with me and not looking at other people.

The Monday before we were seeing an author, and she asked me, “Are you having a ton of fun here? All the women are so tall! I have never thought of you as short and you seem so in this crowd.” I told her, “When I’m on a date, I don’t look at other women.”

I spoke with her directly on Mother’s Day about her lusting after the young, fit guy who was on a date with his girlfriend. I didn’t like it, and I told her.

It’s interesting to me that she texted something yesterday that seemed somewhat passive aggressive.

Baby Daddy is hideous. He has his daughter’s inheritance diamond unless he pawned it. I didn’t know until May 3rd it’s a replacement ring because my GF’s mother’s ring was “lost” alongside her jewelry box when the estate finalized after her Dad died. (My GF’s mother died when she was 10.)

Her new ring that I designed was to have her birthstone, her daughter’s birthstone and a diamond in it. My GF didn’t like that idea because she said it’d look like Christmas. She’s not wrong.

Anyway, the ring is mostly homage to her parents, but she likes that the light blue sapphire is somewhat a reference to my birth month.

There were issues with the ring getting here. It was really trying and upsetting me me. I texted her, “Does nothing work post-COVID?”

She texted, “Your sex drive seems to.”

I didn’t know where that came from. I texted that I’d not had sex since the 19th of April. Then I started processing–I process really slow–and told her that I certainly wouldn’t be having sex on Friday! I also move really slow.

She did call me in the afternoon yesterday and we had a nice and easy conversation. She obviously is feeling very hurt about me dating. A week ago she said that she didn’t think that it would move fast. I’m not sure why she’d think that.

I’m 50. I am fit. I am kind. I make enough money to not have financial reason to cohabit.

Why wouldn’t I have a date within a couple of weeks of making a profile?

I’m so excited for Friday. We were originally scheduled for Wednesday, but she had to change it because her ex-husband changed his dental surgery date. She didn’t feel good about someone post-sedation watching her 10-year-old son. His surgery was yesterday.

Friday night, is a “date night” as Keanu Reeves puts it in “Something’s Gotta Give.” I like that.

by

Steady

After my doctor’s appointment–I am so glad that my son met me there after taking the bus–I made dinner for him, and made my girlfriend some Thai-inspired coriander chicken with broccoli. I went over there to talk. She had wanted us to watch a movie, and I thought that wouldn’t have been a good use of our precious time.

I find her the easiest person to be around because she’s mellow and accommodating. I was really tired and not super communicative.

We did talk about my new love interest. I have a couple videos of her which she sent (text) that I showed my girlfriend. My new love interest also has a large TikTok following so we watched one of her lifehacks together.

She said that she didn’t think that she looked straight and that I am prettier. I don’t agree at all. She’s conventionally pretty with large eyes and a great mouth. One of her appeals is her voice. It’s moderately deep and she has a great cadence.

My girlfriend did say that if she saw her in real life and her whole presentation that she might find her more attractive. And when I was telling her a few things about her she said, “She sounds like me.”

They are alike in many ways. They’re just over 7-years apart (April birthday and July birthday) and they are athletic / dancer types. They’re both extroverts. I don’t know what my new love interest played in high school and will ask about that on Wednesday. They had loss of a parent at young ages too. Neither one drinks and don’t want partners who drink.

My girlfriend explained that she had no idea that it would go fast. Meaning that I would talk to her on Saturday about beginning to date and make a profile the following day and then have a date within two weeks.

I told her about my location changes when I travel and she was somewhat shocked. I told her that a couple of women who I saw annually for something fun like a vacation would be ideal.

She told me, “You’re just more poly than I am.” I explained that while that is true that she loves her ex-husband more than me. And that’s factual so she agreed. I’m not sure that polyamory has degrees, but is likely expressed differently.

Then we talked about sex generally. I would never have sex with someone who I didn’t know again. I did that twice in my thirties. One relationship stuck for years and I’m still amiable, and have an infrequent, but am still in communication with one woman. The other one is one with whom I have no connection to whatsoever.

I think it takes about three-months to begin to know someone.

I met my new love interest in November and have only just now reconnected.

I want to see how our date goes on Wednesday, and I also want to kiss her if it goes well.

I wonder how our pace will go?

When I talked to her on the phone, I told her that I go pretty slow. She was glad about that. She hasn’t been with a woman in many years and was married for 12 to a man.

I think that slow and steady will also have some benefit for my girlfriend.

by

IRL

I think that I’m just better with in person meeting. Years ago, I met one woman on Chemistry.com and we just spent a couple of weekends together. A friend ran an OK Cupid for me and I had a couple of months of dates with a tall, blue-eyed flute player. However, online dating is pretty difficult.

I had a very cool thing happen on Tuesday. I was scrolling through Tinder before I went to a meeting and saw the girl who hugged me and rubbed her hands all over my body at Karaoke Thanksgiving week. I had her number anyway so I texted her about seeing her profile and we exchanged a few texts. I told her that I’d take her to dinner outside of the context of Tinder. I asked for a phone call.

Again, in real life stuff (IRL) is how I roll.

Yesterday, she asked me to go roller skating alongside the women who she and her best friend had met at karaoke in November. (One of my friends was dancing and making out with her best friend that night.) She texted only me and I asked her if she would like me to forward that text to these women. I haven’t roller skated since 7th grade and would be terrible now, and can’t anyway given my knee. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me or go out in a group. She didn’t answer that, and instead began a long text exchange with me. I even left work late!

I’m so looking forward to our phone call. She wants to go to karaoke in a group before our date, but I think that I’m just too busy this weekend.

I am unsure what’s going to happen with my girlfriend. She had texted me fairly late yesterday a laughing emoji with the words “How is active dating going?” I just called her.

I had the tough conversation with her on Saturday, and I think that my position isn’t understood. I don’t understand hers either, so because she thinks that I’m being aggressive, I told her that I’ll just talk to her on Friday. She has a friend here from Chicago anyway.

I would rather, and this isn’t shocking being that I’m Solo Poly, just continue to date her when she makes plans with me. We have some really wonderful things in our relationship and she’s the nicest woman whom I have dated. Saturday was no exception. It was a nice date.

I’ll see Friday if she wants to be friends. I have named that directly and kicked it around frequently since March, so I’m fine with that. I don’t want to fight about a lack of sex anymore. That’s just weird and goes nowhere.

I’m very excited for my phone call with the woman whose Tinder profile I saw after having met her in person in November. She is about 5’10”, has a fantastic body, hazel eyes and sandy brown hair that she highlights. I have called out that I am ten-years older and she texted that she’s always drawn to older people. She has a ten-year-old, which means that she had him at the exact same age that I had my son. She’s also a Taurus, which is easy for me given that I’m in my element. She knows about my GF and that I’m Solo Poly. After we go to dinner, I’ll write an update.

I may write another one on Sunday after Mother’s Day stuff with my GF and our kids depending on how the weekend goes.

by

Oops

I think that I write all the time about how I’m really good with computers–I don’t really like them–due to having strange software all the time at all of my jobs. I’m not good at apps.

I had to ask my son why my profile wasn’t completed. Turns out that within a submenu there was a scroll down that wasn’t marked. 🤦 So, my profile is 90% going and I pay for Tinder Platinum. The sad thing is that being Gen X, I only loosely understood swiping left makes a woman disappear! Hahahaha. Goodbye forever, Beautiful Woman.

I’m a tool. I should write that on my profile.

I’m going to use it marked where I live for a month, and then move my location to Chicago for a week in June, as I’m going to Lake Michigan. I’m going to Rhode Island (never been there) for a lesbian event at the end of July and will move my location again.

So far, it’s mildly reinforcing. However, when I talked to my girlfriend at the end of our date on Saturday she said, “Wait, you want a girl with no STIs, who can sleep with as many girls as she wants, but only one man, and you want to slowly get to know her?”

Hopefully, for paying $7 a week, it won’t just sit. If it does, I’m going to have to try to get really creative.

by

Phases

When I had a two-year-old, I was single. Two is a tough age generally. The good thing about it is that they can talk, and the bad thing about it is they are still a baby.

She came over yesterday afternoon and gave me a big smile in her car as she was parking in my driveway. She wasn’t wearing her glasses so her green eyes were not obscured and beautiful. I like them when it’s overcast.

My dog got so excited that she pooped in the house and there was a loose dog outside too that I thought maybe my neighbor had adopted, but he just put it in his backyard and said he’d call. The little dog had a collar on. We finally got into my house and I took her hands and led her back to my bedroom.

My son was studying at the library yesterday.

I know that much of our obstacles are her getting used to seeing someone who doesn’t want to co-habit or remarry. However, she has said that now she likes having all of her parenting choices within her sphere of influence and that is easier in most respects.

Anyway, Baby Daddy is a piece of work. No financial, emotional or any support. He’s not seen her daughter in a couple of years and he texts “Hi,” late at night and ignores all of her texts of pictures that she used to send. He also has or has pawned a 3/4 karat diamond that he has had in a safe for their daughter which was my girlfriend’s mother’s ring. He ignores texts my girlfriend sends to ask to get it back. He’s an asshole.

The ring makes me feel awful. For that reason, I am working with a jewelry designer who I know to make a white gold ring with rhodium overlay. There will be a lab diamond and two gemstones. Hers is a ruby and her daughter’s is an emerald. I want her daughter to inherit something given that her dad may continue douchebaggery.

Yesterday after we’d connected and talked a bunch, I asked her if she wanted to go get some food.

She said that she needed to get her finger sized. (I was super concerned that she wouldn’t wear / like her birthday present so told her about it on Tuesday after we were getting a late bite after the concert.) I told her that she’s a 5. She said her finger is bigger. There is no way.

However, we went to an expensive European jewelry store in our expensive shopping district. She’s a 5.5 and she barely listened to me, but believed the proprietor when she explained European sizing, bandwidth, and when it’s cold not wanting it to slip away forever. She texted the designer her size when we left.

Then we picked up fast casual burgers and I ate mine in the car. She told me that she can’t believe how fit I am with how much I eat. She said that her ex-husband couldn’t do that either. I told her that I exercise a lot and she said, “Not really. When I was doing various tris and marathons, I was in the gym an hour a day everyday.” I didn’t tell her that a mother could never do that. And that’s true. You can’t do lots of things that you’d like to do with a kid. Some of your previous self never comes back.

I asked her if I could tag along to the daycare school and hang out with them. We talked about interesting clients on the drive over. Her daughter was stoked to see me. We all played at the park together and then I asked her not to take the highway back to her house but take street because I intended to bail out when she was at a stoplight. I did and walked home.

I’m so glad that we talked through this conflict. I can’t wait to blog about what she does for plans for us this upcoming month. We’re in different phases of life. It doesn’t change how much of my heart she has.

FocusArea=000001001
by

Adjustments

My girlfriend drove over to my house on Tuesday afternoon and we left for the concert. We were chatting and she said, “Well, there’s an elephant in the room.” I said, “You’re going to make me talk about this now instead of Sunday?” And she said, “I think I am.”

I told her that we’d been dating nearly 7-months and she hasn’t made a single plan. I told her that I had realized that after I ensured that February was a good month with lots of varied plans and we’d even had sex once which wasn’t my expectation. Her experience of February is a month marks all kinds of tragic reminders and anniversaries, so with getting through it well, I thought that we’d be solid. Then I realized that March was less plan heavy and included some expectations not being met after they were decided on. I figured that April and May could go by if I didn’t hustle with date planning.

I can’t do casual.

I need to matter.

She told me to talk to my former metamour (ex-husband). I told her absolutely not and that I didn’t want to talk shit about her with him. She said that was harsh. But, that’s what it would be. I don’t need to complain about my girlfriend to her ex-husband. I get that she isn’t good about planning and such. However, I told her that April was a call to adventure and if she wanted to see me, she has to make some plans.

She told me that it made a lot of sense.

Yesterday we were supposed to have pizza with her ex-husband to have a belated birthday celebration and then he wound up bringing his new family. I couldn’t talk to her about the changes in plans because I had fallen asleep and then had a massage. She wound up cancelling the babysitter.

I was grateful when she said that she understood that I didn’t want to go. And they all had a ton of fun. There were five of them. I wouldn’t have, and would’ve felt compelled to pay and wouldn’t have wanted a $200 or more bill. It all worked out.

She called me last night to tell me about their night and a tooth that she needs to have repaired. The crown popped off. Hopefully, I can still see her today. I get it if I can’t, and won’t trip out.

I think that we’re just working on our stuff. Some of it is mine. I don’t like ever being an afterthought. I also need to feel desired and be top of mind for a girlfriend. I’m so interested in what April will entail.

by

Tinder

I thought it was for elicit sex and hookup culture. It’s not if you pay for it.

Ballet Dancer and I are going to a brewery on St. Patty’s Day and then we’re going to a Lesbian Tiki Bar the following Saturday. She’s a professional dater. For real.

She told me about a paid Tinder account wherein you change your location at intervals. Let’s say for example that you want to meet some women in Balboa Park (San Diego) and in Beacon Hill (Boston). Well, you pay for an account which only other paid members see and then toggle your locations off and on.

I could get down with that approach.

Years ago a colleague told me that I was single only because I’m me. She ran an OK Cupid profile for me and I had a hot thing with a 6′ flute player with dark brown hair and blue eyes who was from Manhattan and moved here to get out West. The only problem was that she wasn’t someone who I would’ve organically ever run into and she had weird communication skills.

I had my own Chemistry account and saw a Cowgirl for a month who would drive 4-hours. We had two nice weekends together, but not enough to do anything like a relationship.

So, I had written off swiping.

I had a weak moment last spring and almost made a FEELD account, but I’m terrified of swingers in my city and surrounding area seeing my profile.

Now, I’m thinking about a paid Tinder account…

Let’s talk about dating apps… What’s your opinion of them generally?

It’s the way that you operate that matters
by

Week

My stylist had food poisoning last weekend so I didn’t get my hair cut or my highlights redone until Saturday. She was super efficient and my hair looks good. It’s really short and angled now. I love it.

I had way too lofty goals over the weekend, but did get several things accomplished.

  • I broke down the gel packs and wash them all for recycling. I have a gigantic apricot tree that will appreciate the water and non-toxic material that becomes moisture over time.
  • I took everything off of the patio
  • I used my neighbors’ pressure washer on the patio and around my French doors
  • I got rid of the plastic outdoor furniture less the chaise chair that I can use to get little bits of sun in my bikini.
  • I completely emptied the BBQ rack and moved it to the corner of the patio where the Weber and the chimney to start fires are
  • I put tools in my new shed
  • I placed a hold on the book for next Saturday night from the library for Book Club

My son came home from his girlfriend’s parents’ house on Sunday and we talked through retaking his exam, scheduling and my paying for a driver’s test, and his emptying the patio with my help.

He had a weird week and was moody and rude.

I had plans with the Ballet Dancer, but she’s been sick for a couple of weeks and has a hideous cough. I texted the Realtor / Photographer, and she was being kind saying that I could join her and housemate, but I don’t know her new housemate, so it could get very weird. I’m not usually a fan of strangers except in short bursts. I can meet strangers in activities. I like to bowl and play kickball most and have taken a few outdoor classes. Ballet Dancer is the only friend who’s stuck who I met in a class.

Monday I averaged 145 which is better for bowling. On Tuesday I worked in person with the students and it was also better than average. I saw two movies in the theater this week.

Wednesday: Did you know that Kubrick made a Hollywood style heist film? “The Killing” was good!

  • Sterling Hayden was the only actor who I recognized, but the others were really good.
  • It was quickly paced and short for a film in the 60s
  • There was a lot of humor
  • I don’t know why, but it reminded me a bit of “Strangers on a Train,” and I’m generally a huge fan of Hitchcock

Thursday: I saw “On Becoming a Guinea Fowl”

  • Girls in their early 20s reflect on being raped as adolescents by a village elder who has at least four victims–those who you meet in the film anyway
  • The elder, like all the men in the film, is tolerated and excused for violent behavior. Other men in the film seem immature and entitled.
  • It had wonderful cinematography and I thought that the metaphor was well framed in the film
  • It was a very sad movie

I teach tonight after the day job, but it’s on Zoom and is really easy. I really enjoy this group of students too.

I finally see my girlfriend tonight. It will be incredibly brief, but it will be so nice to catch up with her in person. We always text, and I have spoken with her on the phone Monday and Thursday for about half-an-hour each time, but in person is always much better. I’ll see her for about an hour on Saturday night too. Tomorrow, which is Saturday, marks 6-months of us dating.

by

Bad Ways

The Photographer and I had a walk and lunch yesterday. I was shocked that she said yes when I texted her that it was a shot in the dark, but would she be able to meet up with me? I asked her if she and I could walk and then I’d take her to lunch. It’s her birthday very shortly, so I wanted to do that.

Initially, I had plans with Vegan, and she was operating under the information in a text rather than our calendar notice so we didn’t get much time together. She may have been a little irritated with me, but I still saw Vegan.

The Photographer had been travelling with a new partner. They were all over Brazil, which is an easy lift for her as she is multilingual. Their trip sounded magical. I was so happy for her.

Until lunch.

There are just bad ways to do polyamory. I know that often discussion group leaders say that you can do polyamory any way that you want to, but I don’t agree.

The Photographer’s partner had been emailing off and on with her ex of 3.5-years. On their trip, she learned that they would be meeting up. She asked her how she felt about that. And her partner kept saying that she had no feelings and would feel like she felt when they met.

Well, they both felt some kind of way.

They spent NYE together.

The Photographer had to make quick plans with her friends so as not to spend it on her own.

The Photographer has been dating lots of people right now. She’s a great date. It’s funny because she’s a great date even when you’re not on a date!

While on these dates, she has had people who have dated her partner say that her partner has told them not to date the Photographer. Her partner is also going out on dates with other people who date her ex and she is talking to them also about not dating her. She wants the Photographer, her current partner, and her ex to be at her disposal. The Photographer also told me that she is seemingly incapable of romance and doesn’t plan any dates with her.

The Photographer said, “You look angry.” I said, “Of course, I’m angry! I am an 8. And this is confusing and shitty behavior.”

I told my girlfriend about it last night and she said that it gives polyamory a bad name.

Except that this morning, I don’t think it’s polyamory.

I think that the Photographer’s partner is manipulative, unethical, and wants to control people and that has nothing to do with her sexual orientation or how she designs relationships with another person.

I think that if you’re going to be in concurrent relationships that all people at the very least need to know one another. Hopefully, they’ll be friends, but you can’t control that! I’ve had a terrible experience in 2009 – 2010 because I wasn’t allowed to exist to my girlfriend’s other partner. I should have broken up with her then.

I run this difficult balance of being protective and letting go while watching others engage in interactions that will hurt them. I think that writing about her this morning has helped me. I’ll just wait for her to text me after she’s met with and talked to her partner. I want to support her fully.

How do you listen to your friends when you know that they’re putting their hands in a bear trap?

by

Good

My girlfriend wound up talking to me for 15-minutes on Sunday regarding that brunch was cancelled. I felt like it was a related behavior when she had her best friend accompany us for Thanksgiving Tree Lighting. She had asked if my voicing a concern was to be in person or on the phone. I said that either was fine, but that sending screenshots would feel awful. And it would have.

I told her that I had a piece of fun and also something that was friction when she called me. It hadn’t become a fight yet. She said that she’d like the friction first.

I said, “Ok, it made me feel bad when we got back to your house last night and you said that swimming was now 10-12. I realized that _______ and I would be at your house for under an hour and you’d be getting up to leave for _____’s house and be rushed. There was no brunch anymore and that was our family plan for the holiday. It seems related to my telling you that Thanksgiving is the only holiday that I really care about and then _____ was included in the tree lighting.”

She said, “I’m sorry.”

She paused and I said, “Thank you.”

She explained that it didn’t feel good at all to change Christmas Eve Brunch plans and she didn’t like it either. Then she talked about how she understood that it wasn’t fair that our only plans just us three with her daughter included her best friend after we’d made concrete plans after Thanksgiving.

So easy. I was heard, validated, and she made a sincere apology.

Then she told me that scheduling has generally never been her forte, so when these things happen again, I should remind her.

I said I understood that it’s a shortcoming, but feeling like I was an afterthought was upsetting.

She said, “You’re not an afterthought.”

Without my suggesting it, she said, “What I am going to do is cancel with _____. [Her daughter] doesn’t know what dates are, so swimming anytime in the next few days will mean swimming with _____.”

I didn’t want her to do that, and I asked her not to, but she did it anyway.

We had family brunch.

Her daughter told my metamour that the best thing about the day was [my son] that night.

It was resolved. I think that our plans will now be our own. I have a piece of data proving that, too.

I asked her if she would go to dinner with me before the concert that she’s taking me and her best friend on New Year’s Eve (NYE). She said that she would and I’ve made reservations for us. We will meet her friend an hour before the concert begins. We’ll all watch the concert together. It’s funny, but I spent NYE with her best friend last year.

What feels good to you when you’re resolving a problem? How do you like to fight? What do disagreements serve for us in relationship?

by

Fighting

There was a conversation that I had with my girlfriend after she had been hurt about my not telling a woman who was hitting on me that I had a girlfriend. I said that I don’t lead with that because it’s weird. She wanted to make sure that when we’re together, there are specific times that we don’t talk about other people at all. (However, she was doing that a little bit last night, but I wasn’t going to mention that. That kind of thing doesn’t make me feel jealous.) I need to be gentle and sensitive about my current outings and such. It will be interesting to navigate when I go out on more than a first date with another girl.

I am using this morning to write out what is hurting me.

I’d rather resolve it through working through conflict.

I’m not easy to fight with in general.

I have a memory like a bear trap.

In fact, bear trap is probably just a good way to describe fighting with an Enneagram 8.

She had told me that she was very sad to have not engaged in an adult Halloween activity with me. I knew that it was her favorite holiday, but she already had plans as it was. I told her that going forward I would check in with regards to what she wanted to do each holiday.

I told her that thinking on it, Thanksgiving was an important holiday to me.

We’d planned to go to a Tree Lighting just us three.

Her best friend came.

We had been texting back and forth a bit about Christmas a few weeks ago and she asked what my plans were. Then she said that she and her daughter were free Christmas Eve morning. I’d said that I’d make a quiche and we could hang out. She sent the rosy cheeks smiley face.

Except that’s not happening. She wants me to hang out at the pool at her best friend’s house. I told her that I’d do it.

However, when I took her home last night after the movie, she found out that swimming was 10-12.

I feel like an afterthought.

There will be no quiche. There will likely be not much of anything because she’ll have to rush home, get packed, and then see me and maybe my son for a second and then rush to my metamour’s for their plans and overnight.

I don’t like it. The plans have changed twice when we were going to hangout just us three.

My therapist isn’t seeing his clients until 1/6/25. I’m thinking that I won’t make an appointment with him anyway until the 20th…

How do you fight with a significant other? How do make sure that your words land well?

by

My Metamour

I had an impromptu dinner last night with the author. I told her all about my metamour. I really like him.

The author, who has two boyfriends, and a metamour who is one of her good friends said, “Tell me about your metamour.”

I said that he’s big, handsome and engaging. One of the things that I really liked best about him was that he and my girlfriend have many of the same mannerisms and also use the same expressions. They both consider things for a good period, nod and then say, “That’s fun.”

We’ve already exchanged emails. I want to teach him how to play frisbee golf, so I have to see which days he has off from work next week and the week after. (I played a lot of it when I was an undergrad.)

My girlfriend and he had built my girlfriend’s daughter’s playhouse that he’d gotten her for Christmas. She’ll wake up Christmas morning there and see it and it will be kept at his house. In many respects, he’s like a father to her; although, my girlfriend doesn’t agree.

On Thanksgiving, she had sent me this video of her daughter cackling while he picked her up into the air and was flipping her around. It was the sweetest video, and that is when I realized how much I wanted to know him.

My girlfriend said that she had to press him a whole bunch to ensure that he met me before Christmas.

We all went to the best Thai restaurant in our area on Wednesday night and talked. He paid and I said, “May I please get the tip?” and he gracefully accepted the cash. He’s from New England so he’s refined and has some almost feminine mannerisms, which are really just part of being from New England. Some of his manner is opposite of his large and muscular frame. He’s probably about 6’2″. He has twinkly blue eyes and is well-dressed and put together.

I’m not sure what their relationship will look like in the coming New Year. He’s moving in with his current girlfriend who also has a child. Her child is a preteen girl. I would imagine a lot of the features in their relationship will change.

I asked her if she’d ever remarry him and she said, “No.” They seem really good together and I think that both of them liked being married. I know that it’s complicated and obviously not on the table right now given that his girlfriend is moving in with him shortly.

I kept telling her that I needed to be his friend. Now, I know that I am. In fact, I’ll email him back on the 26th or 27th so I can see him and hangout solo. The weather is scary warm, so I’m sure that as long as it’s not windy we can play frisbee golf.

It’s interesting that the feelings of jealousy that I had prior are gone completely now. They were mostly related to my too quiet Thanksgiving and then hours alone. I wasn’t jealous of him. I was jealous of family. While I was lucky to have had Thanksgiving with my neighbors, they had a bustling one that was complete with boisterous cussing relatives.

I guess there could possibly be times when we had all three kids together at his place (my 19-year-old, her toddler and his girlfriend’s preteen). Maybe in the summer?

Regardless of what the future holds, I really like my metamour.

What does family mean to you? How do you do friendships? What do you think about adding people to your life?

by

SP

In the enneagram, SP, means self-preservation. That is my third variant. I am the Sexual variant, which means that I do best 1-1 and that is how I extend myself into the environment. Here I am referring to being Solo Poly (SP).

I am Solo Poly.

To me, it means that I am independent and autonomous.

In it’s form for my execution it also means that I am at my best when I am living alone, not blending any finances and meeting all of my own needs.

Being solo poly impacts desires though, and I’ll get to that.

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend a little over three-months and I’ve known her about six.

We ate barbeque together on the 16th last month. She’d driven over and we hung out here and then we went out to dinner. She was going to pull out of the driveway that night so I could drive. I asked if she could just drive to the restaurant as it wasn’t far and she said, “I probably shouldn’t go anywhere that I’ve never been to before without my glasses. I’ll just pull out to the street.”

I asked her if it would be ok if I drove her car. She said of course. I said, “I’ve never driven a girlfriend’s car. I drove my ex-wife’s four different cars that she had when we were together a handful of times, but it’s not a thing that I normally do.”

She said, “Does that mean that we’re getting married?”

I felt taken aback. Then I flushed. I gathered myself and said, “I would highly doubt that I would ever get married again.” I was proud of myself.

She said something that I couldn’t hear because she was shutting her own door–I usually do that for her–and I wasn’t sure what she’d added.

When I got in her car and figured out how to start it, I said, “What had you said last?” And she said, “The plan is to get you to change your mind.”

I didn’t say anything. I was proud of myself.

I don’t ever want to remarry. If I was really sick, I would have to have somebody here with me in my house. I don’t want that person to be a significant other. I’d prefer to pay someone and empty my office so there were two extra bedrooms upstairs and that person could live here with their family rent free and earn a salary.

I don’t even like having my son here who’s had my laundry basket filled for two-weeks and trashes out everything that he touches or is around.

I’m troubled by too much time with any human and need recharge.

There are way too many animals here. With the hours that I work, I sometimes live in a gross fur palace.

I’m at my best with others when I’ve had solo time. I am solo poly.

The plan is to write about this topic in installments, so stay tuned.

How do you do romantic and intimate relationships? Have you always done them the same way? Do you think that traditional marriages work for the majority of people?

Snow Face
by

Discussion

My son and I spent the whole day with my girlfriend and her daughter. We went to a cat cafe and played with kitties. My son fell in love with a black one and a dilute white and orange cat. He kept saying that he wanted the black one.

Then we went to an interactive indoor playground which was space and weather themed. I had a ton of fun going through the obstacles and on the slides. It was oriented for toddlers and elementary aged children, but there were plenty of parents and adults helping kids out. I had a great time and I think that my son seemed to as well.

We went to a late lunch early dinner too. It was a great start of my day.

Afterward, I went to the co-ed discussion group that I don’t get to attend often because of when my bowling schedule is when I’m on league. I hadn’t been in some time. Like many things that I tend to do, I do those alone.

Tonight the two topics which we discussed were balancing the needs for reassurance and gratitude for what having lots of love and loves brings.

A couple of folks talked about narratives that we spin in our heads. It’s like an entry that I wrote about the stories that we tell ourselves and often when we’re upset, we tend to make something up and even have scripts for what people may say. Another person shared that we sometimes feel something in our bodies and may just need to name that feeling. There were a couple of folks who said that it’s most important to work on yourself and deal with things that are problematic for you. I agree with all the points that folks made.

When we were talking about gratitude many people shared that being in concurrent relationships lends itself to opportunities that are not available in monogamy. I agree with that completely. I also liked that we talked about how friendships can be prioritized too because you can love deeply anyone with whom you’re in relationship and it doesn’t have to be intimate or romantic.

Image by Mote Oo Education from Pixabay

by

Near Miss

I saw my girlfriend on Thursday night. We talked and she had a tight right hip given that she sat on the floor for an hour that day and her toddler was jumping on her. It felt like the muscle was pulling in her sacrum.

I’ve had sciatica before and also have fractured and broken so many things that I just intuitively get the body.

I think that she was shocked after working it for about 15-minutes while she laid on her side how much it released. I asked her to lay on her back and she said that it felt better. The next day she texted me thank you and said that her whole hip felt great.

We’ve both had wicked colds. I realized that although I never get sick enough to miss work and generally have a wonderful immune system that I’ll be getting new things given that I’m dating a mother of a really little child. They’re pretty full of germs and have to build up their immunity.

It’s fine. She’s the third mother who I have dated. There is an overall lack of self-absorption and also divided energy that mothers have. I have that presentation too, and she and I have talked about it. I told her once, “When you get another girlfriend, it will be strange if she’s not a mother.” She told me that wouldn’t interest her at all.

In fact, she really only has time for her ex-husband and me anyway. She’s running a practice and does active parenting. Her kid goes the the kid’s gym, gymnastics, preschool twice a week, little hikes, and her daughter rides her scooter in many parks and swims.

They were going swimming yesterday (Friday). They often go to a pool fairly far away so they had to travel on one of our really busy interstates.

My girlfriend swerved into a lane yesterday which was thankfully empty to avoid a car that was going to hit her. Twenty-minutes later she saw that car again, and it had collided with two other cars.

I got a long text in the three o’clock hour about it.

Immediately, my eyes welled up with tears.

I am not a stranger to someone being suddenly gone. My brother was just dead after we got hit. The priest told me when he was giving me the last rites–which he wasn’t supposed to do–and I tried to get out of the gurney, but couldn’t because my pelvis was in three pieces. My former sister-in-law was just gone after having bike ride plans. That is how life really is. You don’t know how many days you have left.

After expressing being scared, relieved, and asking what I could do, I just sent a simple text to her.

It said: “I need to tell you that I love you. Sorry that I didn’t say it to you yesterday.”

After her hip had been addressed on Thursday and she could lay on her back, I laid mostly across her and she was rubbing my back. Her touch is just incredible. It’s relaxing and tender. I realized that I am in love with her. We talked a little more and then it was nine, so I just got up.

Her night time routine takes an hour and a half. Going to bed at 10:30, spending an active day with a toddler and then seeing clients all night is just unfathomable to me. She’s only just under three-years younger than I am. There isn’t any way that I could do it.

She asked where I was going and I said “Home,” and walked out of her apartment through her prep room and then into the practice area. I said, “It’s nine.” She followed me out and hugged and kissed me. We wound up talking in the foyer and then talking more when I went down the first flight of stairs. I was looking up at her. She’s so beautiful. I said, “This is Shakespearean. It’s as if I’m professing my love to you.”

She laughed and blew me a kiss and said something, but the moment was making me turn red and making my heart race a little bit, so I said, “Goodnight,” and walked down the last flight of stairs.

That could’ve been a moment of regret in an instant had the car slammed into her yesterday. Life is so short.

by

2 Weeks

I haven’t written anything in two-weeks. That’s unique.

I think it’s because with the exception of being sick–my sinuses are infected–my life is pretty much motoring along evenly. I usually write when I’m wrestling with something, am angry, upset or had something huge happen in my life.

I have been seeing my girlfriend about once a week. This pace is perfect for me. I think it’s what she has for time too because her daughter is two.

I can’t imagine running a practice and raising a toddler.

We’ve had a variety of dates. We’ve walked a few miles, we’ve walked about a mile with the baby in a gorgeous canyon, we’ve watched a movie, we’ve had dinner at her house, she was sick as hell with food poisoning so we didn’t have dinner at my house, but she let me tend to her and we talked for three-hours, we’ve gone to a housewarming, and we’ve gone out to dinner twice.

I’ve never done this approach. I love being intentional and slow paced. I have always wanted it, and never had a girlfriend who would follow an even cadence with me. In June, I’ll have known her a year and it will be interesting to see this entry and consider it.

We’re shopping for her Christmas present on Monday. We have an agenda. Her arches are higher than mine, which is terrifying. When I do the running test for shoes the computer and salesperson always says the same thing, “Oh, wow, your arches are high, so we’ll only be able to choose between two insoles.” My ex-husband is going to sell her her very first pair of Birkenstocks! Cute.

On Wednesday, we’re having Thanksgiving brunch with my son’s godparents. Her daughter and my son will be there too. It will be sweet. Three teenagers and a two-year-old amongst middle aged adults!

On Black Friday we’re going to a tree lighting with her daughter. She invited her best friend, which initially I wasn’t keen on. However, her best friend isn’t from here and I don’t think that she’s still seeing her boyfriend so she naturally wanted to do something for Thanksgiving.

I haven’t met her ex-husband yet, and really want to do that. He’s basically my metamour. I had asked her if he bowls or plays Frisbee Golf and he doesn’t do anything like that. Maybe we can go to a basketball game. I’d like to have a friendship with him. He also has many years of history with her. I know that they were married for 17-years so probably it’s well over 20-years of some manner of relationship. She told me that he’d probably like to meet me too. I’m not going to push it, but am really glad to have seen a picture of him. She talks about him a lot. He’s seen a picture of me too and I’m not attached to what he knows or doesn’t know about me. I don’t ask her what she’s said or not said. He told her that I have a great smile.

I can say that being 50 is different. I’m not willing to stay in situations that make me miserable. These include those at work and in my personal life. I don’t think that I’m chasing anything in particular. The only goal that I have is to get the book printed.

What’s the end of your fall shaping up like? What is the current pace of your life?

by

S/W

The woman who leads our women’s group doesn’t enjoy reading. I am reasonably sure that she has some difficulties with comprehension too. One of her partners has reading books together as a requirement. For whatever reason, she tells me that it’s not a requirement, but I don’t know what else it is to give somebody a book and then keep asking them when they’re done so you can talk about it. That at the very least feels like pressure to do something that you have no interest in doing.

I can’t build anything. It takes me days to do so when I have to use something new. We got about 4-inches of snow, so I had to winterize my cooler on my own. Last night, I gave up and finally took off the entire fitting because I couldn’t work around the pin to loosen the nut to get the poly water tube taken off.

Now, I did plant the step ladder safely, go up on the roof and take out the nut to the plug to drain what little water was left in the unit. I also had to wrap up the unit and tie straps around it so it was protected from snow. Finally, I reversed directions and came back down to the ground on the ladder. I can do that stuff.

I can’t build a grass catch for a mower.

My son’s wagon handle has hardware that is backwards.

My handwriting is hideous.

I can’t draw.

I couldn’t IMAGINE if my current girlfriend said that we needed to paint together to bond. That would be debilitating for me. I would likely cry while we were painting together.

However, it’s really common in relationships to require something of someone that they don’t like.

I think it’s weird. Reflecting on it, it also seems controlling.

Another thing that I know, from my personal experiences, is that people force compatibility.

You can find someone very physically attractive and have nothing to talk about and not really enjoy each other’s company. Then you have sex and that keeps you together. At least that offers you dopamine hits.

What do you require of a significant other (s.o.) to do with you that is not enjoyable for your s.o.? Do you believe that in relationship you should just go along as well as you can with things that you get no joy out of doing? Why should you require, or at least strongly suggest that a s.o. do something with you that as a grownup, they know that they don’t like doing and will not be adept at doing?

by

Energy

If you’ve read my blog before you not only know that it’s an incognito diary, but that I write about lots of topics which are going on in my life. About 11 or 12-years ago, I realized that I had a children’s book in my mind and heart. I finally storyboarded it all this January.

Then Batman and I worked on it on 2/15, 6/26 and 8/7. I would say that the latter date was the only time in which she contributed any concerted effort because she read the text in its entirety. She made some revisions too. In February, we mostly ate and drank and made out. In June, we talked about her two quarter hiatus from work and what she wants to do for a living and cuddled. She doodled three scenes in a small sketch book.

If I’m being honest, likely she worked focused during the last session because there were two men at my house for the two-hours that she was here and then a project manager for a bit. It took three-weeks to have my upstairs painted and in August I was in the throes. If she’d remembered that we were working on it in July and not just said that she spaced it, it would’ve just been us because the painting crew leader had a flat tire that day.

I have never seen a page.

I am, often, promised a page.

Batman is a dancer and a climber.

Her art cannot have a timeline.

Batman’s energy is only focused from her own volition.

I’d seen Batman by chance a couple of weeks ago and simply texted that I’d seen her to which one of her reply texts was, “Can we meet about the book soon?”

I told her that we could if she got me a page first. Not shocking, but it’s going on the third week with no page. Again, she has focused energy that is fueled moment-to-moment and doesn’t seem to have timelines.

My best friend is a professional musician and also sculpts, crafts, makes jewelry and has recently begun painting and has sold a few commissions.

My best friend has loving, light and almost naive energy. She’s the easiest person in the world to be around and with whom to spend time.

My best friend has introduced me to WI. She’s amazing. Tall, beautiful, and a visual artist who grew up making art with her family. Her work is wonderful. She lives here with her girlfriend and wants to branch out her work as she’s already selling some pieces in two places here.

I get a page on Sunday–one week from today–and only have to pay her hourly fee for it. That is so cheap because she has to read all the text and painstakingly go through the storyboards to tell me things that she cannot draw. My revisions will come from that point.

I told WI the three things that I’m married to in this book. She is sketching a pivotal scene which is a plot element that I’m married to as well. I CANNOT WAIT TO GET THIS PAGE.

It’s interesting to me that working with WI has impacted my energy about the book and writing in general. I think that the reciprocity of working together makes me happy. True collaboration is important to me. I feel good today and my energy is lifted. From slightly hedonistic energy, to light energy and then landing on solidly ambitious energy has changed my focus.

by

Love

Last night my girlfriend came over to my house. I’d made hashbrowns, a quiche, and had bought fruit yesterday morning.

I received a text from her while I was cooking before I biked to work. She was very sick as was her daughter. She said that she wasn’t cancelling and had to see how the day went.

That gave me pause. She seemed to be prioritizing seeing me although she was sick.

I kept waiting for her to cancel and she didn’t.

I can’t believe that she made effort while feeling terrible to see me when she and her daughter had eaten bad Raising Cane’s.

When she got to my house she was really pale. I asked her what she needed. She’s not good at answering those things. So, I started offering options.

I grabbed my son’s old comforter, laid it across the couch and we sat together. I then started suggested all kinds of food. We settled on my making her miso and I brought it to her.

Then I asked her if she wanted to lay down. Then we talked and I rubbed her shoulders and upper back. She told me that she was starting to feel better.

I don’t care that we didn’t eat the food that I made for her. I am so sorry that she got food poisoning; however, I was glad that I could be supportive and caring while she was resting at my house. (She and I had connected at her house last Sunday and she caressed, ran her hands down my legs and rubbed tight muscles–she’s really good at being tender and nurturing.)

There were a whole bunch of times last night when she was talking to me about my basic fear of vulnerability, my bad temper, my past relationship problems that I have fueled and such that I nearly said, “I love you.” I didn’t though, because I know it’s fall and we met in summer.

I have a belief that love is abundant. I also believe that you could be in love with two people concurrently. I’m falling for this woman.

She’s smart, sexy, a little unpredictable, caring, supportive, funny and the best communicator that I’ve ever been around. I can’t wait to see her on Friday. I trust her explicitly and am enjoying our unfolding relationship. Our date wasn’t at all what we’d talked about or what I’d planned. And the time that I have with her always flies by. I didn’t tell her that she was late to relieve the babysitter either 😈

by

Plan

I have a million thoughts in my head and have so many topics that I’d like to write about. I think that I need to make a plan. I haven’t written in a really long time and don’t know how to complete one coherent post. I would appreciate anyone making a comment with a vote of where I should start.

  1. Why the myths about NYC are myths
  2. Turning 50 in the most robust city
  3. A new, incredible love interest
  4. Why going slow and being intentional with romantic interests is helpful
  5. Sleep
  6. Alcohol
Image by Pexels from Pixabay