I took my son to the best state in the world this weekend.  We saw mountains, rivers and even palm trees toward the end of the afternoon on Sunday.  We had taken a train ride down the state and wound up where it doesn’t snow.  I love it here.  I want to be done with my clinical license and have a good practice going so I can start up a mortgage in one of these counties on a cabin.  I feel alive down here in a way that is not even paralleled when I summit a mountain.  It’s a need.  I hope that although he will only be six, that he understands it.  He was tired and bratty all day yesterday, so I will see this morning.  He is still sleeping and must have a slightly runny nose, because he’s snoring.  Ha.

I talked with her last night and basically complained about how bad it was to have an overstimulated, exhausted child all day.  I went ahead against my better judgment and pushed forward with plans, which I probably shouldn’t have, but the train ride was amazing.  More for me than him, perhaps, but with kids you always wonder what they’ll remember.  We shall see.  We talked about her Saturday, which sounded pretty good, and then we connected about us.  I’m hoping that she will really give us some time to see.  I don’t know.  I think that although she says that it is a process of discovery, she may or may not continue it.  That’s because relationships are so much work.  I know that I’m worth it, but you don’t get to decide that for the other person, so I’ll just be and do what I can do, which is be good to her everyday.  I’ll see her tonight–barring pure exhaustion adding miles to the hundreds that I’ll drive this afternoon.  I need to touch her though, because it always helps us both, I think.  It’s only been six-days, but we both are passionate and get a lot out of our physical intimacy.

I’ve dated for 4.5 years.  It will be five this fall.  I’ve been with five girls in a more serious ways, but I can’t even remember the number of dates that I’ve had.  I’ve weeded through tons of girls with whom I’m not the least compatible.  When you’re flexible, and  naturally adaptable, you have some odd dates.

I think that the worst one that I ever had was nearly four years ago.  One of my best friends and I were out dancing and we picked up two girls with the intention of taking them home, and then the girl who I had been making out with all night–even pushed her up against the cattle tank full of drinks–said, “If you think that I’m one of those girls you can just pick up, you picked the wrong one.”  I told her that I didn’t know what kind of girl she was.  We texted that day and she made a date for the end of the month.  We had good conversation, laughs, etc., and after we had sushi, we walked around the corner to a neighborhood bar that was cool and had a beer.  So, when she walked me back to my car, I figured, well, hello?  Then she pushed me away and said, “Not tonight.  We’ll have plenty of other chances,” and I told her, “It’s not like we haven’t made out before, what’s the problem?”  I was FURIOUS driving home.  Turns out that she still lived with her partner of six-years who had been in various rehab programs–I learned this a few weeks later.  They provided each other with all the emotional support that partners should.  I knew then that we’d never sleep together.  I’m a firm believer that if you date awhile, you need the test drive.  I’m not old fashioned.

I think that women do that more often than men and women.  I think that lesbian breakups are really vague and that the women who are “broken up” often keep up with the intimacy (meaning just the emotional) well after the relationship is over.  I don’t know why I don’t do that.  I don’t even talk at all to the last girl who I considered doing the serious venture with recently.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t know if I have it in me to redefine as friends.  I think that if I’d be forced to do that now if I were dumped that it would take me many years.  I don’t even know if I could have her as a close friend.  How does longing to touch someone go away?  See?  I really don’t know anything about keeping a relationship together.  They don’t scare me, but they sure don’t have any cookbook approaches that I can follow to make things work.  I just want to show up everyday, be loving and honest, and hope for the best.  I think that’s all that I can do.

I told her, “I can’t handle you.”  I have had a lot of physical intimacy; although by these days standards I have not had many partners, but I had never had sex like what it was like with her.  That is intimidating, but I’m fairly arrogant, so I decided after the third date with this particular addition of intimacy that I would let all my inhibitions and fears go, so I did.  It became what was novel for both of us and could be completely raw, but also could be tender.  All of it was completely passionate and evoked with Naomi Wolf writes about when she talks about convenience versus passion that her father a professor purports should be paramount in relationship.

Ours was and we could both feel it consuming us.  I guess that if I’m being honest, that I felt in the back of mind that it could be entropy.  I didn’t want that.  So, I tried to show up as loving as I could.  I didn’t want to leave everything to chance when I had the guts to admit that I had fallen in love during the freezing rain that morning after our long date and my caravanning back home with her.  I wanted to ensure that we had some foundation.  I realize how hard this process can be when you are already midway into a very hot love affair, but we had such a connection via cyberspace that I wanted that to continue.

I think that it is really that you are in the process of teaching each other what you want and how you communicate.  I also believe in listing mentally or in writing the list of pros and cons.  And when the pros go off the page completely, that is the relationship that you want and will hold onto even when you are having an impasse.  She and I need to develop an understanding and some ground rules even when we are busy regarding how to communicate and ask each other questions while fully listening and not filling in any blanks.  Progress is listening with an open heart.

Holy connections, Batman. She sent a very casual, albeit sweet email to me that afternoon. The BBQ was a Sunday and by the end of that Monday night, she and I had exchanged four e-mails and by the following night it had increased to 17 and in the last one that I sent late that night I told her that it was dangerous to talk so openly at night, which was barely related to the fact that she and I are both single parents who only get 4 – 8 nights off a month and each have to wake at five. It was simply that I knew that I wanted her. It was not a friendly overture. I also had fallen in love with her, which is bizarre because I have never fallen in love quickly. I have lusted from afar, and I have had a slow, organic unfolding, but I knew that she was what I would look for in another. A few days later I told her that I wanted to drink wine with her on my couch, because I couldn’t tell her that I had fallen. We had a phone date set for mid-week that got moved closer, and we wound up talking for over a hour and half, which surprised us both. Equally surprising was that neither of us could wait for our F2F date that was set for two weeks out, so…

I about threw up in my car. We met on a weekend that I had my son because we couldn’t wait two weeks for F2F time. My hands were shaking straightening my hair and continued to do so on the way to the bistro. I sat in the parking lot and thank God that my best friend talked to me on the phone. She was trying to make jokes about an “exit plan” if I needed it. I told her, “I won’t need an exit plan! She’s a wonderful woman!” Although she was just trying to make me laugh, nothing was helping my failing nerves. I’m a pretty nervous person anyway, and the stakes were so high with her, so I was just sick with anticipation. I texted her, “I’ve never had a date with a mother,” and she texted back, “Well, after today at the very least you can say that.” Then she texted, “Just go in and have a glass of wine.” I wanted to walk in with her. Feel our strides together, and also frankly needed her embrace to feel the chemistry that I was 95% positive was there after now 48-emails, 120 texts, and that wonderful phone conversation.

She drove up and parked a space away from me. She was super cute in real life. I got slowly out of my car and went over to the back end of mine. I went to hug her and she held me really tight. A great hug and she smelled fantastic. I could not believe how close our bodies were. I could feel our abdomens pressed against one another, which was pretty electric given a first hug. I was still pretty damn nervous. We walked in together and she said, “You’re not that tall.” I said, “I’m 5’6″.” I had not ever been with a woman under 5’7″ and she is so muscular and has such long thighs that in the pictures she had given me I assumed she was about 5′ 8″. When we spoke on the phone, apparently I expressed some surprise, which she construed as disappointment. Seriously, anyone with turquoise eyes can be any height. And her body is the best one I have ever seen. It’s unreal.

We talked about our likes and dislikes and with her friend the owner of the bistro. He actually owns part of a mediterranean island. We laughed easily, but I could not sustain eye contact because she was so beautiful and equally composed. She really has the soulful, deep looks too. I felt like I couldn’t hide a damn thing and was stripped of “game.” It was really daunting and I was blushing a lot too. It’s been over three months and she still makes me blush in public and sometimes in private too. She has a way of leveling you with her eyes and is quick-witted and funny. I really think she is the sexiest woman alive.

I had to extend my date. I called my parents who had my son and asked if I could stay another hour. They consented. I didn’t want to leave after that hour. I could have talked to her all day. It was the best first date ever. I had known that I was going to fall in love with her because of one e-mail that she had sent that talked about entertaining, cooking, and laughing in the kitchen. She could have been talking about one of the dinner bday parties that I throw myself. Tons in common, ease and attraction. In fact, at one point she asked, “Are you attracted to me?” I know that I blushed, and also said, “Yes! Of course.” But, we both had to go. This date solidified that in addition to feeling that she was love material, that she was also so hot and partner material. I wanted her then and there.

We walked out together and I embraced her again. There was no way that I wasn’t going to kiss her, so I did. Then we really started kissing. We pulled away and she told me that I could touch her more, which I did and then we were making out in a parking lot in a suburb. I could feel my whole body responding. We both had to go. A little while later she texted, “Tell me honestly, chemistry, scale 1 – 10.” I texted back “10,” and she quickly texted back, “Ditto.” I had confirmed that I was really falling in love and called two of my best friends while driving back to my parent’s house.