Tag Archives: Dating

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Ride and the Drawing Board

So, she is either as the 80s film protagonist says, “monumentally busy,” or she is not going to contact me.  That’s cool.  It was really fun to flirt and honestly felt like a coup to get her number, so I have no regrets regarding leaving her a message.  I’m back in dating land, and with five-years of experience I know to expect unpredictability.  What I want to avoid is an FB.  Those get complicated, and I’m afraid don’t seem to work with girls.  They tend to get feelings for you.  I was shocked when my last FB moved 6-states away and then told me that she had fallen in love with me.  That yielded commuting for over a year for both of us.  What starts as sex probably always has that superficial flavor, and is not what I’m looking for.  I’m looking for a partner, and will even delay sex this time, and I haven’t done that ever.  I’m going to mix it up.

I biked 24-miles yesterday on my new bike.  It was beautiful, but difficult.  I don’t get the shifting too well.  I didn’t get too many pictures because my riding companion, who I have known for over 23-years, had to take her kids somewhere at 10, but I did snap a couple on the water.  One I put on my social networking page, and one I’ll add here because I want my blog to have a positive and life-oriented approach.

From the Reservoir

I’m assuming that I will need some lessons and probably should take it back to the bike shop this week, because it needs some adjustments.  The seat is at a bad angle in general, and made me sore, and when he showed me the shifting, he was spinning the wheel, which is hard to coordinate when you are still very tripped out on the very light frame.  I’m going to see a buddy of mine today or this week and get some specs, I will take it to the shop after a couple more rides, and I’m going to order a manual from the company.

Riding a bike is really a good analogy for finding a girlfriend.  You don’t really forget how to do it, but you need to see what she responds to, what she prefers and do shifting correctly.  Every path requires different handling by you or you can throw off the course.  Some girls (not to be confused with the album by the Stones) don’t really know how they want you to approach them and don’t help you navigate the curves on the path.  Other girls are just easygoing and approachable, and you may try but it’s not the time to take the trip or do they desire to take one with you.  You have to just keep getting on it and riding it out.  I can do that.

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I met a girl

OK, she kinda looks like my ex of two-years, but there is no way with what she does for a living and the way that she presents that she is a heavy drinker.  I have absolutely nothing to loose, so I am calling her later today.  And, if we meet, I will not have sex with her for a month.  That would be brand new for me, and it sure as hell is time to mix it up.  She is smart, successful, hot and funny.  Now time to get out on my road bike.

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Embrace healing

I have had two very low days.  I have been very sick again too, which is getting very old and work has been a complete hell for two days.  I can blame just the latter on the full moon.  I’m thinking that at this stage, I will start to feel some pain, and I think that I am.  Part of me gets like Missy Higgins lyrics at times as well. “I’m a little tired of feeling like the bad fruit nobody buys.”  I know that I will be fine on my own and without a partner, but it does get old.  Very old.  Having not tired of single parenting to the degree that I would be with someone who says awful things to me and thinks of me in disrespectful terms, I won’t respond to her or do I want her back per se, but I do feel a bit hollow.

I think that it is honestly time for me to embrace this part of my journey anyway.  I should reflect on everything that I learned from this seven-month relationship.  In fact, I think that before I go to bed, I’ll read one actual handwritten journal entry that I completed and then I will reflect on what I learned and how I have evolved.  I know what I’m looking for and most of it still entails compromise.

Unsettling to me is that both of these last two women (3-years of my life) have been control freaks.  I don’t want that aspect, but rather want to be with a woman who talks through things with me.  I think that I backslid with my last one, actually.  The drunk did want to do what was right for all parties, but she couldn’t.  My last ex thought that she had all the answers.  I’m fine with learning and discovering.  I think now it’s time for me to learn and discover what I have gathered from my last relationship so I can heal.

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Human Behavior

We tend to reflect on what didn’t go right when we end a relationship.  I think that it is fairly natural to sort through things that occurred in our previous love relationships and then be able to list hosts of reasons that they didn’t work based on interactions.  I think that my last girl was deliberately provocative, and not forthcoming with what was irritating her, so it was easier for her to lash out.  I really liked this picture–I think that it is accurate too:

I think that is why I blog about it, because it will be an aspect of my self-of-therapist activities and help me get rid of some of the negativity that I swallowed up instead of saying, “I’m having trouble putting up with this criticism.”  I don’t wish that I had done that, because I think just letting her go forward with rage and reckless abandon is probably how she is when she is under duress, and that is not someone with whom I want to build a life.

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Coming down the world turns over

I’m doing well today and was during this week in general.  Monday she just couldn’t leave me alone.  I kept my line mostly firm: we should take a real break with no communication, but she continued, and I just didn’t respond.  One of her HeyTells was awful too.  I think that a small dog bled to death in her arms as soon as she got home on Tuesday night, as it had been attacked and stripped from it’s owner.  I couldn’t get follow up information because I don’t want to give mixed messages–no communication means just that.  So then of course she texted me at 5 in the morning yesterday and HeyTell’ed me too, but since we have all of our shit back from each other it’s not necessary to communicate and she is going to have to get used to that.

What’s distasteful to me, and is at least somewhat responsible for my firm line of no communication now, is that she not only continued telling me how selfish and negative that I am, but on Friday, she said, “I was creeping her out,” and that was a direct quote from her most recent partner who sent that to her in a text when she thought that she was cheating on her.  She just does not seem to sort much out, and lets previous experiences color who she is currently dating.  However, we must note that she has not ever dated…  She has had long-term relationships.  That’s all.  I’m looking for one, but won’t force it with a woman with whom I constantly fight.  She is my ex-girlfriend and we need this strict space, but I’m incredulous that we will ever have anything.  A Christmas card style relationship is comfortable for me right now, and I don’t see much shift.  She said simply horrible stuff to me and it frankly makes no sense that she’d want a friendship.

I know that she will contact me more.  If I’m so creepy, selfish, and negative and her life is perfect with all kinds of support, why can’t she leave me alone?  Also, I found another thing really unsettling.  She told me that she could be the best friend who I have ever had.  I guess that she never heard me say that my friendships are concentric circles and there are just a few people in that center circle who are truly my family and in my heart.  I had a dinner party when I turned 37 last year and every friend who is part of my soul was there.  It was amazing and the food was fantastic.  I love cooking and feeling the energy in my kitchen as my friends and family are conversing and vibing off each other’s actions and words.  That’s my life and I’m grateful.

It does give me pause though…  The timing…  To be very happy to get home early from work, hear “Help,” and see a woman running.  Then having your work clothes covered in blood from a little dog who you are trying to save.  That is macabre and frightening.  The timing is strange though, and knowing her as well as I do, she will say that because I didn’t reach out and connect to her when she told me what had happened on Tuesday night that I’m selfish, negative, etc.  That’s good, because she is not the best friend who I have.

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Over and out

Wow, last night was one of the most miserable nights that I have ever had.  Honestly, it evokes a breakup hiking date that I had in 2009.  I will reproduce that here, as I want to get lighter after sleeping next to nothing last night.  Then I just want to meet someone and actually fall in love again.  That was a great lesson from her.  I finally actually fell head-over-heels completely in love and gave my heart to her.  It started hurting after the second of the year.

This morning, I was deleting drafts in my e-mail and came upon a thread that she and I had written to each other at the end of November, and she told me that she was always ready to wrap her body around mine.  I loved that!  Yesterday, during the time that we never really had a date, she finished up her chores and not only did I never get a kiss, I got pushed away when I finally hugged her after being with her over 5-hours.  It still evokes the hike breakup:

“Wow!  What a piss poor hike yesterday was.  First of all, she called me when I was lacing up my boots and sounded so sullen–much like every conversation that we’ve had on the phone after she canceled via e-mail three weeks ago.  Then, when I get up there, she gives me a hug that you’d give in greeting to a wedding guest or colleague.” (me, 2009)

Both of these women wanted a friendship with me afterward and did push and pull.  Honestly, could it be in the water?  My now true ex lives 5-miles or so from where this woman lived when we dated.  Jesus.

I went up there.  She was repairing her son’s bike and looked totally hot, but she is not all that out in public; although she has had two long-term partnerships, so I just brought stuff in and gave her space to finish up.  No, we didn’t wind up hiking or going to a movie.  With her, I don’t know why I ever made date plans, because nary a one of mine was ever honored.  The funny thing is that she suggested a picnic two weeks ago and for the last two months she said that she just wants to do “normal” stuff like see a movie.  But, hell, we didn’t wind up seeing a movie either!  I never know what she wants!  I’m wondering if she does…

Very odd, but she honestly has to feel like she is driving the bus at all times, so I let it go, but yesterday started off bad when she HeyTell’ed me and I could tell that if I didn’t pack my bike that she was going to chalk this up to my being an asshole.  I’ve been sick, so I didn’t want to bike until later in the weekend.  I just didn’t have the lung capacity.  That aggravated her as it did that I wasn’t hungry.  I wanted to hike!  She said yes to that on Tuesday, and that would have helped my appetite after being sick and not feeling hungry.  Additionally, walking is easier on the body than biking is.

She told me that we should get some mineral water and get massages.  She left, got a pedicure, and I got a massage that did move all the toxins out–I’m not at all sick today–but made some old injuries that I have very sore because the guy could not speak English and it was a clothed one.  Not my preference.  I pay for a guy who I have known 8-years for the regular kind, so this was really just moving a cold completely out and spending $70.  Of course that didn’t make me happy.  Plus, then we were an hour apart on what was supposed to be a date.

Still no contact in the car.  I touched and caressed her arms and leg, but she told me that I was negative.  I still don’t get why I should have been happy about yet another complete departure from the dating plans that I made.  I wanted to look at her across a table, as that had worked when we had fought before, so I asked her if we could go to a bar real quick and talk and that is what sent her reeling.

Last fall in both September and October, we had a glass of wine and talked and it ended nicely.  It helped us to reconnect, and is decidedly better than trying to have conversation in the house of your lover where it is not neutral territory.  Last month I had a beer in the very cool brewery that she took me to in her town, and it was fairly nice too.  We actually connected intimately the following morning too.  However, she basically said that I may not be an alcoholic, but she’d never go to a bar.  Made no sense to me, so I said that we had been to the brewery very recently and she said, “That’s why I wanted to go on the bike trail, because we would have ended there.”  I didn’t want to bike last night!  (I didn’t say that.)  She followed this comment up with, “And something else you should know about me is that I’m not a bar gal, and I’m not a hiker.”

I bought a six-pack, drank one in her kitchen and had a bizarre convo.  At least we took a nightwalk and saw the moon on the lake.  So, we walked awhile and then she said that we are just too different.  First, I wanted two different ex’es back, then I had too many close connections where I live and could never move, then we don’t have timing right, and now we are too different!  I was upset, but tired of the litany:  You are not into me, and that is fine, and I’m totally sick of push and pull.  I wanted my guitar back when we got to her house, and she said that I was creeping her out, so I didn’t touch her, got as much of my shit as I could, and left.  I emailed her when I got home because her son is always elsewhere on Friday nights (emails are quieter on her phone and don’t force her to look because her son’s caretaker only calls or texts if she needs her), but she had already texted me twice about how she loves me, but we are too different, and that she wants a friendship after space and time.  I was grateful that I had ended my email that I didn’t know that she would even get last night with this:

“So, let’s just take some real space, do our things and see if the fall brings back all the wonderful memories and the possibility for friendship.”

I will need that much time.  My falling out of love started last month when she said that she would never leave her house.  It continued.  Our last intimacy, which was incredible, was two weeks ago.  That will be the last too.  I do think that she’ll contact me this summer.  I’ll be conscientious, but I don’t want to see her until after I turn 38 (at the end of summer).  The only thing that I will do is send her a birthday card in the mail when she turns 38.  I don’t want her as a close friend, because although my group is not homogenous, we definitely have things in common and don’t lead with what is wrong with each other or how starkly different we are.  She and I aren’t that different, but we will never live together and I wanted her to be my partner, and I know that she wanted that too, but required our potential journey to be all on her terms.  I can’t do that.

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Chillax

She always says that to me when she is finally heading home and we are talking on the phone.  Admittedly, she doesn’t do it really during the week, and I know that because she doesn’t, so she tends to deeply resent our situation and sometimes me too.  I was livid the day before yesterday when we hung up because it was like talking a corpse.  Why bother?  Three-and-a-half-hours later, she HeyTell’ed and apologized and said that she didn’t have good coping skills during the week.  I said that I think that it is more that she wants someone shoulder burdens of life with her and I’m hobbled from 40-miles away, which is true.  Of course, she took that as that I want out soon.  OMG!!!

I told her that love her and I want to have some conversation about shared meaning (what we value about life), but not for a couple of months.  And, I don’t.  We should date.  We never have dated.  She is completely tanked by the weekend, so we eat and sometimes watch part of a movie on a Friday night.  We have also done some Sunday night connection time when she doesn’t have hers, but I have always had mine less two nights.  We parent and half-assed date.  Time to enjoy dammit!  I’m making a quiche tonight–where the hell does one find a picnic basket that will accommodate a pie plate–and putting together fruit and stuff.  We will hike and then I have a little entry that I decided not to blog about being outside, cooking, music and adventure.  I’m going to read it to her under the trees and then we will actually catch a movie.  We haven’t done that (just the latter) since December.

Sunday would have been hot for about an hour, but my son decided that cleaning our living room was above him and acted like a total ass.  He slammed his door on her son and got his finger stuck in it.  He was contrite, but I’m tired of his tantrums.  We have had a good week, but the expense was that he did something in a fit and hurt her boy on Sunday, so the outcome is that he is guilt-ridden and well-behaved this week.  We wound up playing in an indoor playground in a mall by my house and it was fun, and she was really understanding.  I’m grateful that she has raised two other kids and understands that sometimes kids are in foul moods and have tantrums.  Not fun though.  We would have hiked, but it was too windy so we had to switch gears.  I wasn’t expecting company so my house was too messy, but we made it work mostly.  My son did a bunch of good stuff last night and asked me to call and leave a message for the psychologist who we saw twice and will work again with this summer.  He knows what he should be doing, but is too smart sometimes and admittedly manipulative.  I would much rather co-parent him with someone.

Tricky business, that.  I haven’t known her long enough honestly.  Breaking up with her directly was the best thing that I could have done though, because she is reflecting more and certainly not leading with what’s wrong with us.  There is something wrong with everyone and most kids; although much of the latter can be due to developmental things that kids have going on for them.  Finding your common ground and seeing if you want to build something takes time.  I have to be down here for another 15-months because of school and my work contract, so we have time.  IMHO, she will have to adjust to the miles because I can’t pop over there much with the exception of summer, and it’s not impromptu or “Hey, I was thinking of you, can we have dinner together?”  She will have to adjust to being completely alone, and ultimately, that is good for her.

A friend was talking to me on the phone last night and reminded of something that I said five-years ago and had honestly completely forgotten.  When I did my final separation (We had been separated for four-months three years previous), I told my friends, “It is going to be hard to be alone, but ultimately, I know that is what I need and how I will grow.”  That year was the hardest one that I’ve had, I think.  At least it was top three for difficulty, but I learned so much about who I am.  I think that she needs to miss me, think about things, and get stronger on her two feet without the distraction of taking care of another woman or just having one around fairly easily.

So, now, onto tomorrow.  I want to have a beautifully romantic date.  I want to enjoy her turquoise eyes and laugh tons.  That’s the intention that I have for Friday.

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Empathy

I get so angry all of the time and want to play the bullshit card, but I need to work on my perspective taking.  This week was more informal than last and this one started with fantastic lovemaking and tender exchanges.  It just fades away by week’s end and drives me fucking crazy.  I want to say, “Then why did you call me and ask me if we could just be light and easy until after Memorial Day when we get to go away kid-free and afterward make some decisions?”  Light and easy to you translates into infrequent contact and really being put in a friends’ queue.  I honestly think because she thinks that she is the best friend in the world that I will want that at some point.

Redefine as friends is the ultimate bullshit anyway, is it not?  You didn’t work as partners so you’ll work as friends?  That analogy is poor.  Very poor.  Especially when one is admittedly judgmental and is the queen of unsolicited advice.  I listen to it now, because I would prefer to go to counseling and then take the plunge to live together.  If we had our “friends hats” on and she started in about my parenting, I would say, “Hey, I didn’t ask, so I really don’t want any unsolicited advice.”  She’d be smoking pissed at me, but my BFFs seem to think my son is not too bad, and that I do the best that I can.

That being said, I do know that there is a world of difference when your son has never had to share your affections and is with you and a love interest.  I was with the drunk for 11-months before I even introduced her to my son, and he had a colossal meltdown on the sidewalk of a busy street in an overstimulated state when we transitioned from a city cultural event fair that he didn’t want to leave right in front of her.  She took it as kid behavior, which it is.  You know the kind that you witness when you are childless and go, “Wow,” and either think that the parent should not have taken the child out in public or you want to disappear into a sudden chasm in the floor or earth because of how embarrassed you feel for that parent.  It’s fantastic when it happens to you!  However, she was cool about it.

There is nothing cool about the way in which my current works with my son when he melts down.  And because he knows that I love her and sees us hold hands, he gets what a six-year-old should get, and that’s jealous.  When I do settle down with a partner, he will have to adjust.  I do get that.  However, I don’t need to hear how it’s that he is a mess.  He’s not.  He is fairly well-adjusted and listens to most adults.  He just doesn’t always listen to me, but we work on it, and with a soon-to-be psychologist as a parent, he will always probably have to “talk about” it.  Tee-hee.

So, she has lost a caregiver.  I’m sure that it’s painful.  I have had lots of losses, but not that one yet.  I have also had a bizarre loss right before I started high school, so I’m different when it comes to grief.  Sublimation has made me very good at children’s grief work too.

She has the weirdest job in the world.  It does pay.  I will never make what she does.  But, the levels of stress are unreal and because of the nature of the work, she honestly cannot talk about it at all.

She has a tiny child.  Although he can walk and has begun talking, he is little and not regulated with his patterns.  I remember that, and honestly never would have dated seriously when my son was that age.  He was about 6-months older than hers is now when I had a coming out affair, but, I knew it would not be serious.  She is looking for a co-parent, but because of the last two paragraphs, that is a tricky business.

I do feel better after venting.  She pisses me off and I don’t do casual.  It will be interesting to see how family time is tomorrow.  I want a time warp to October, dammit.

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Little less rough around the edges

A friend who I shared a mental health office for a year-and-a-half told me once, “You are really loving although you are rough around the edges,” and my ex-husband said, “She’d be cool if she could tone it down a little.”  So, I just hung up with her, and I get what those two statements mean.  Maybe her purpose in my life has been to see how I really do come off and what I can do to soften even more.  She can really be tough.  It’s amazing to me that two weeks ago a friend had dinner at my house and said, “I can really see how you have changed and are much less direct.”  Again, after you date and spend many nights alone for five-years, you tend to see what you’re like.  You have to evolve.

A major difference between she and I is that if I’m meant to walk this earth alone, I don’t mind at all.  I sometimes feel that I’m trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy in terms of my libido, but that can be remedied like I did in the summer of 2009.  I could do that.  Please know that my preference is to find a partner, but if I don’t, I will be just fine.  I always am fine.  I don’t really need anyone with the exception of my son.  I used to have stronger social needs too, and those have subsided as well.  If I have adult conversation over dinner once or twice a week, I am totally fine. Mainly because I spent the first at least five-months, if not a full year, of 2008 totally crazy, but I did get good at the solo gig.  I’m very good at it, and the derivative is that I won’t co-habitate until nuts and bolts are mostly tightened.  I don’t want bullshit day-to-day without groundrules.  Time-outs are also critical.

I do need to say that she really needs a good lay right now.  She’s pretty transparent.  I’m at home pretty sick currently so we spoke when I was heading back home from dropping my son at school and she was being kinda bitchy.  I think that both of us feel that when we do have intimacy that we tend to wanting more.  It’s only been three days, but we’d be ready and it is tender and passionate.  It was funny that on Saturday night it didn’t have that make-up sex quality.  It was intense, but loving.  We just need to take some time.  The one thing that I won’t bend on is the whole couples counseling thing.  I will walk if that is not honored.  I will ask at the end of next month or the beginning of June.  I hope that she consents.  If she doesn’t, I have to stop our sexual relationship and go back to the dating pool.

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Fade Out

Ah, this request is familiar…  Trade-in aka two-for-one that makes me feel like the blue light special.  Meet me halfway somewhere?  Fuck that.  I was the idiot who went against what I said that I would be doing and that was not make any plans with her, so I’m getting what I deserve.  I should have held to it too.  We probably won’t see each other for quite awhile.  That’s just as well too because time will be healing for me.  I sure as hell don’t want to drive all the way up there on Tuesday either.  So, I’m not.  I will say what comes natural when we talk next and I won’t call.  In fact, I won’t do much of anything.  We will fade away.

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Day 2

Well, last night she texted.  She told me that I was being sterile and basically forcing her into my definition of “space.”  I don’t know what else taking space and time is.  But, I did text back and told her how sad and furious I was.  Then, this morning, we actually spoke, and I read her my e-mail.  She was quiet.  She always is when I express tons of emotion and when I ask her what her reaction is she always says the same thing, “I’m listening.  I do that a lot.”  The implication is that I don’t.

So, I did leave her a VM tonight which is unacknowledged right now wishing her and her son goodnight and good sleep.  My own son is not here again and my house feels so empty.  My nanny had a conflict and I don’t have two anymore and I can’t take tomorrow off because it is required day to get paid.  My father can take him in tomorrow for me and I’m grateful to have their help.  My Mom will make him a proper breakfast that I never have time to do because I have to be in my office by 7.  Honestly, it will be good when next week comes and I have a full week of work and some space of my own back into my typical routine.

I think it’s just the assumptions that have made me so pissed.  She says that she just wants me to tell her things without asking questions, but usually what it amounts to is that she tells me how I am.  I am fairly open.  Not completely open, but it is a derivative of trusting her so fully and then having to pick of the pieces of my heart in Jan and Feb.  March helped me sort it all out myself.  I’m sorted.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m still in love with her, but I don’t want all these conclusions about me to be drawn without simply first asking me how I feel or why I reacted the way that I did.  She thinks that she is the expert on everyone who she knows and that just isolates people.

It is interesting to me that after I told her that my e-mail was full of rage and I read it to her that my anger mostly subsided.  Then after my own real therapy session (Meaning one that I pay for.) was over, I felt pretty good.  I still miss the way that she smells and feels and our intimacy.  I don’t miss her assumptions and the way that I feel like she sees me.  Also, I am not sure that although she doesn’t want to be alone (She admitted this to me today.) that anyone will ever meet her standards or simply be good enough for her.

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Day 1

Won’t it be funny and a good therapeutic exercise to post days after being newly single?  I think so.  So, after the shitty convo I left three messages (not psycho dialing), but with HeyTell, and that’s all that I wrote.  I’m good.  I got a love letter last night.  I was at the Club.  I had a good time with my friends too.  I’m not going to respond.  Actually, I did already and some of it was really sarcastic.  I just didn’t send it.  I’m not impulsive.  I’m not going to send it either.  She and her best friend have a “pet theory” about me.  Just goes to show that when she fills in the gaps and is the expert on me that she doesn’t know anything.  Here is something that I wrote in the e-mail that I didn’t send.  I like it.

“You seem to have me all figured out.  It’s not a charitable view of me either.  I don’t approach you like this, and I’m looking for a woman who takes me for what I am.

All your love?  WTF does that mean?  If this is how you talk about your loved ones, then I really don’t get it.  I just don’t.  I’m not sure what our future holds.”

I guess that I’m in the Anger stage of grief right now.  It’s because she can be cruel.  Tori Amos says, “Don’t give me respect.  Don’t give me a piece of your preciousness.”  And it’s not.  Her terms of endearment are for everyone and she says, “I love you,” to people that she freely talks shit about.  It’s like my local BFF told me once, “Don’t ever assume that people are any different with you as they are with others you see them with.”  Got it.

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Done and done

Bad to do it via phone, but as I have had a break up text a couple of days shy of three months ago, and an awful weekend exchange that lead to semi-hiatus at the beginning of February, this worked for me.  I can’t.  Just can’t.  It’s like there is this approach to me as if I have all these weaknesses and drawbacks that makes it awful to be around me, and that is not partner connection.  There is overt and covert aggression too.  I can’t navigate her moods and don’t want a friendship right now either.  I’m just going to fade.  We may have just been a six-month thing.  It is too bad that the first three-months were so good.  They were.

But, she doesn’t do holidays well at all or does she seem to stay connected with me through tough times.  I don’t want that.  I’m glad that I see my psychologist on Monday.  I want to tie this up as neatly as I am able.  It is definitely good to be able to reflect and move on.  In particular, it is good when I have as much free time as I do coming up in two months.  Back to the drawing board and getting closer to finding what I really want.  I think that I learn more each time that I date and what works for me.  This particular instance could be attributable to bad timing, but I think that I still like a softer sort of approach to everything in life.

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I think that I’m falling out of love

On the second of this year I texted, “You should not incessantly irritate your one.”  And it’s worse than that now, because she can’t really have a single day with me when she doesn’t say what will not work for her long-term.  I can’t really do this, because one, how do you know what works and doesn’t work for you with the exception of abuse or cheating until you have learned how each other works, and two, isn’t this stage supposed to be more romantic than hard, cold facts of non-negotiation?  I’m sorry, but at the six-month mark, you don’t really have enough under your belt to know, but she knows what won’t work.  Well, I really want to save her the spiel.

So, what will I do?  Tomorrow I will check in on her when she gets the rest of this medical procedure done.  I drove her to part one tonight as an emergency basis.  Honestly, I want to say something sarcastic about that fact, but I won’t.  I’ll just say that is what a girlfriend should do for you.  You should be with her when that happens and not rely on your neighbor.  Your neighbor will never be  your partner, and I’m seriously starting to wonder if she actually wants one.  Bitching at someone constantly and concentrating on a person’s shortcomings is just sick.  Look at the good, build from there, and talk about how you want communication to look.  Focusing on what you DON’T want just makes you feel negatively toward your significant.

I’m not making any plans with her.  I’ve said that before about other girls and that scares the shit out of me, actually.  The thing is that above all, I want to be valued.  I’m not here.  I don’t need her.  I’m looking for a partner.  I’ll miss her son, but I can’t take the complaints about me all the time and then the “I love you,” texts afterward.  That is too weird and not what I’m looking for.  She may be my one, but it is like that damn Ingrid Michaelson song, because “it’s one day in the future,” and does not seem to be now.  I’m honestly fine with that too.

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We shall see

So, I have a date tonight.  It will be great to actually see her because it’s been five-days.  My psychologist said that we are just in the basket of relationship, which can get scrunched, and we have to just show up each day.  Yesterday was not a very good day.  I was exhausted having worked 7 – 4:30 and then had to rush to get food and take my son to sports.  When we got home, we were just a few minutes from his bedtime, but he was hungry again.  I read to him and got him squared away and then was chilling, and listening to music.  She said a couple of things that were nasty.  I was just tired.  “Baby, you sound exhausted,” would have been easier for me to receive than a completely unfounded accusation and telling me had it been true that she’s dump me.

That is not a goodnight.

However, being naturally pragmatic, I am keeping my date tonight and seeing if we can also see each other on Sunday as well.  I need to tell her that was a poor message to have last before I did drift off to sleep.  However, I slept great, and did get up in time to workout and even lift a little bit this morning.  My goal that I want to start this week is developing my upper body.  I have definition, but overall I’m weak and when you consider how strong my legs are, that should be more even.  More…  Balanced.

I do not feel balanced in terms of my relationship right now.  Again, I had said that I would develop a mantra a couple of weeks ago, which now I see more as a broken record.  I would like her to be my future, but I don’t know where or when.  I know that she only wants one thing, but I’m hoping that we can just enjoy.  Honestly, if it gets really caustic like it has been, that is not enjoying.

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I can feel her

Oh, my girl and I have had some nice exchanges, messages, and direct conversation this week!  It’s amazing to be this connected to a woman and that is brand new for me.  I’m no stranger to when I’m dating someone to watching my phone and being encouraged when she calls or texts, but with her, I can sense her and we have synchronistic channellings of each other.  It’s odd to be with a girl who you are so much alike and sometimes that makes the sparks fly when we disagree or just have a different timing or less intense reaction.  It’s completely bizarre for me to be with a girl more intense than me too.

Again, I used to be like her.  Friends called me a hothead and now I’m more into waiting and then engaging when I feel solid and know what I’m going to say.  I have cultivated a lot of patience and it serves my son and I well.  I’m also patient with her.  She gets down because I forget some things or repeat something that I’ve said.  Like I’ve held for a long time, she has high standards.  I know that my standards were not lowered, it was just that I had resigned myself to thinking that it was not in my path to have a partner.  Now, I’ve revised my list.  Revisions occur because I’ve found my partner.

1. I want someone who is willing to gamble and shake it up with me.

2. #1. Includes building a life with me in a place that is new for both of us.

3. Making new paths together and valuing the close ones who matter.

4. Listening fully and openly to concerns that I have.

5. Realizing that I’m the one who she wants.

These are the intentions that I’ve been putting out for a week solid.  They have resulted in some good interchanges coming to fruition.  We are really on the same page right now.  I don’t want her to think about the future per se, but just love time with me and be open to us as a possibility.  We are honestly building our future currently.  The only thing I think that I need to practice now is saying, “Shh…  Let’s be still and enjoy.  There is now, and we are each other’s future.  Let’s work that out in the fall when our calendar has completely turned together.”  I’m feeling a new energy, and dammit, I LIKE it.

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I just don’t know

Pause, pause, pause.  I don’t think that I’ve done that badly. I think that most of my entries are about what an asshole I am.  I’m not that bad.  I drive in traffic and have exclusively since December and my schedule is tight, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person.  There are some things that you don’t want in a gf.  The reason that I know is because I have done A LOT of dating. I keep thinking that is probably a good thing for every woman to do.

I’m telling you if we don’t see each other this weekend that I will probably have a lot of trouble continuing.  I don’t feel particularly acknowledged for what I do, but I do know a laundry list of things that are my shortcomings.  That is super imbalanced for me and not the way in which I aspire to live my life.  I will give her this card and the personal present that I designed though no matter if I just drop it off or not.  I do love her.

She has TONS of complaints about me.  That’s actually intriguing to me, which is a little sick, I suppose.  I haven’t been with anyone who was bothered by anything about me less my intensity and abrasiveness.  It makes me think that some of my shortcomings are unique to our union and I always come back to how similar we are.  I have said this to my psychologist, and I will say it again, I think that her level of criticalness is much like how I used to be.  I’m just different now and much of it stems from being completely alone and dating.  I’m strong on my own too, so I don’t need to tell others anything about themselves.  What’s problematic for me is the lack of gratitude for the fact that I’m trying harder than I ever have and that it still doesn’t seem to be enough.  I won’t be enough.  I’m terribly imperfect and don’t apologize for it.  Everyone has drawbacks.

There are some things that I don’t think that she’d compromise on anyway.  My son and I don’t fit simply into the life that she has either.  It’s not really just my friends down here; although, they are my family, but it’s my lifestyle.  I have tons of schools to choose from and literally live on a bike trail.  I don’t have to use my car much in two months, and won’t except when I’m climbing in the summer after my son learns to ride.  I try to live greenly too and the commute kinda makes me feel badly–it’s a lot of gas and emissions.  We don’t live close together.

This is a completely new tone for me and it’s impersonal. I think it stems from some resentment from not being acknowledged and being told that I’m something that I’m not.  I follow a schedule and I think that all women in our age group do, so that’s not being self-involved.  I don’t want shit pinned on me.  Damn, I am hurt.  I’m not sure what I’ll decide this weekend.

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Made it through a beginning of the month weekend

The moon is nearly full, is it not?  It was tenuous all weekend and then as usual, something that I said, which followed logically for me was inflammatory for her yesterday.  Shit, just after she had just called me “honey” too.  I think she gets what I was saying now, but it’s so weird to piss off your gf all the time and have to explain yourself.  Part of this is my fault, because the peeps who I hang out with have known me four-years at a minimum.  They get me.  I’m in your face, and totally WYSIWYG.  The thing is that I’m a good person and a nurturer.  I’m not used to be challenged at the character level.  I have a good soul and would do anything for my friends.

So, it still feels like I barely dodged yet another break-up.  It’s a shitty pattern.  I don’t feel safe at all.  It’s the way things are with a woman who has to look for loopholes for a living though, so it’s probably my lot until she trusts me.

I want to be with her this weekend.  I miss the way that she smells and feels.  Friday can’t come soon enough for me and I can’t wait to connect to her.  I love her.

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Maintaining

So, I have completely lost it before after a break-up, but that was well over four-years ago.  If that’s what this hand holds, I won’t go off the deep end and will instead reach out to friends and get things done.  Forward motion is best.  One of my good friends relocated to the East Coast a few years ago because her husband is completing his residency and I was talking to her several weeks ago right after my gf had broken up with me a second time, and she said, “Don’t you get it?  She’s testing to see if you will leave her.”  I was baffled because I won’t.  I’m here, and I have never said anything else aloud or held in my heart that she’s who I want to be with.  Another friend of mine with whom I work said, “You know that she is going to break-up with you again, so all you can do is change your reaction to it.”  I guess that I need to change my reaction to that I have not heard, “I love you,” in five days too, because I do love myself, so I should assume that she loves me too.

I had an appointment with my Psychologist last night and talked through all of it and she said, “She has been through so much and continues to go through more, so what you can do is stay balanced.”  I said, “I don’t want to get broken up with because I can’t do it again!”  She said, “Why?  What will happen if she tells you that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.  You have a lot of evidence and you believe also that she wants to be with you, so why can you not ‘do it’?”  And I really had to ponder that one, honestly.  Why does it matter if I get a cold e-mail or text today?  I can just call her and say, “I don’t want to write or talk about this stuff right now.  Let’s take a week because you have had probably the worse week of your life, and then let’s talk face to face.”  I need to maintain my sense of balance and not get thrown off.  I don’t like being there.  I want to stay with what I want and be stronger than I ever have been.

I guess my other entries were pretty rigid.  I had this sense of what I will and won’t put up with or something.  I want to build a life with her.  She is amazing.  She may be on the fence about me, but I’m certainly not about her, and honestly, my maintaining what is the truth for me is all that I can honor.

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Need for me

I know that I need to write today, and I knew that before she left me her message.  She will begin a cycle of grief.  I think that is completely personal.  So, I’m going to write what I know right now.

I love her.  I want to build a life with her.  She is like no one.  She has the highest standards of anyone who I’ve ever met.  I’m not easily intimidated.  I’m so good on my own too, so we will see what our future holds as some more time passes.  I know that if she breaks up with me for good that I’ll be just fine and will keep on doing what I do.

I was a bizarre shell of a human being for a year and still exhibited some questionable behaviors afterward after I finally came out.  Why didn’t I come out sooner?  The funny thing is how big of a lesbian I am.  I would say that in terms of femininity, I am pretty middle-of-the-road, and certainly men look at me and the ballsy ones will approach me and hit on me, but it’s pretty rare that I have to come out to anyone.  The quintessential Tomboy, and very much into playing hard, laughing and being physical are part and parcel of who I am at my core.  When kids from high school found out that at 23 I had married, the common reply was, “______, is married?  To a man?”  I stayed in that marriage for nine years too, which was baffling given how little we had in common and our playmate role even had fallen away after about 5-years of knowing each other.  This fall I have known him 18-years.  He’s ok, but doesn’t have any goals so I sometimes I have trouble respecting his decisions.  I have not missed living with him for what will be five full years this fall.  That’s the thing, I’m loyal and want what’s best for others…  Historically…

We had started working through this relationship and couple’s text and some of the preliminary chapters combined with my blogging and my own therapy has lead me to know that part of me has fallen away.  I’m only still loyal.  Now, I want what is best for me and my son.  I broke up with my with ex because she was a drunk and a control freak.  I don’t think that she ever loved me.  The woman who I had my coming out affair with didn’t ever really love me either.  I know, too, that my ex-husband never loved me either, but was young and interested in propriety and doing right by his family.  I get that.  We have some similar values.

Now, I want what’s best for me and my son.  The stupid dating shit that I’ve done isn’t good for either of us, and yields my feeling empty.  I like how circumspect I have become based on my lessons yielded from dating hell.  I’m a lesbian version of a “Sex in the City” character, seriously.  I’m just not an empty sex afficionada, so I can’t be Shane.  Of course, I have had sex most months for two years, so that’s probably easier for me to say, but I would prefer not to have another FB.  Those kinds of unions do not yield a relationship.  Even if I try, those kind of girls that you start out just doing are not the ones who I want to settle down with because I’m pretty concrete.  If I get together with you because I want to have sex, that’s what I want.  If something organically develops, it still probably was based in lust and not in being compatible.  I’m looking for settling down with someone and growing together, or I’ll just have sex occasionally and do my thing.  I’m an independent and strong woman and won’t settle.  Not even a little.

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Ready for whatever my path unfolds

Who knows?  I don’t.  She is going through a horrible time.  Simply awful.  I can just show up for her and her son, and be who I am.  Even if that person is one who is defensive and wonders about how likely it is that I’m going to get some concrete or for sure stuff so that I can feel safe, or if I can continue on this path with a woman who is like no other.  I don’t know a person at all like her and I have tons of friends and work with the public.  She is unique and awe-inspiring.

I spent most of this weekend with her.  I’m tired, but feel pretty good on the whole.  I just wish that we had some time just with us, but with both of us being mothers, that will always be few and far between.  I think that I could have supported her more if we hadn’t been parenting her boy–who I simply adore–all weekend, but I think that at times of crisis, that kids are a very good distraction.  He is a sweet, funny, and a cheerful little guy.  They help.  I can remember playing with Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars with my son when I was on autopilot for about 7-months when I had just come out and finally moved my heart and mind away from my coming out affair.  The latter is difficult.  I was really messed for some time.  Then with lots of dating, I really weeded out what I don’t want.

I don’t see drawbacks with her.  I do think that she is more sensitive than I, so I have to watch how I react and ensure that I’m doing what is asked, but I’m not sensitive, so we don’t always see situations the same.  Frankly, I’ve had enough relationship experience to know that she is hard to find.  She is sexy, an incredible dancer, smart, funny, quick, athletic, and has the best body and eyes that I’ve ever seen.  I want to be with her and build our life.  That does not waver.  She is the one who I can see being with for the long haul and raising our complete family.

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Waiting

I knew it was inevitable, but I figured that I had until the end of March.  I have been completely off with regard to the timing of things.  I get what that means!  I have made some predictions based on patterns of behavior, but I have noted that people who I know or know through others have been accelerated in terms of decisions that are made or courses of action.  We live in this fast-paced world wherein everyone responds with fervor and tying things up as fast as they can.  Over the years, and in my last pseudo relationship, I learned that slowing down has its benefits as does delaying gratification and waiting to respond.  I can’t believe that I have actually learned that lesson and can apply it myself.  This epiphany is especially unbelievable when I watch my son.

He gets so pissed all the time when things don’t respond as quickly as he’d like them to, or when they take time to develop.  I know that I used to feel that way, but I just don’t now.  Five-years waiting for a true connection yields patience as does raising a kid like mine who is intense and lacks coping skills.  The latter, I never had.  I coped with things that I shouldn’t have and have done so amazing well.  But, I was never even remotely patient and just expected things to work.  Sometimes they don’t, and other times, they do with the passage of time.  You just don’t know and you have to trust, like my psychologist says, “That you can’t bend the river.”

What will I do?  Write a book.  Literally.  Done with coursework does not mean done with a doctoral degree.  I’ll also do what I’ve done for going on five-years, and that is be good to my parents and friends, and parent my son.

What will she do?  Probably tell me her perspective.  Think that she has mine figured out.  Miss the way that we connect on every level.  Maybe give me a chance.

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It’s actually hard

Want to know how you really are in love?  Because I’m trying desperately not to call and text because she wants me to slow down, and it is difficult.  I took down my old blog, but because it has so many entries and in my opinion illustrates my personal growth, I continue to reference it.  I used to be able to either walk away from a relationship or just wait to be contacted.  I can’t do that now.  It is agonizing and I also need her arms around me and to feel her kisses.  Here is how I felt in 2009:

“So, we have spoken…  And not texted, but we actually had a 45-minute convo on the phone, and with the exception of the end, it was really nice, and made me think that I probably should have called her some while we were f-buddies, but that was likely not meant to be.  The unsettling part of it to me was not that she and the other girl are now exclusive, because as I told her that was the natural order of things because she has known her nearly two years, and been sleeping with her for seven months, but it was rather her response.  She said, “Well, I won’t have to do this very long anyway because I want to start that new job (out-of-state) by November 1st.”  Ouch–made me glad that I wasn’t the one who is “exclusive” with her.” (me)

I didn’t talk to her after that.  She texted me on the last day of that year and texted her back.  It was a NYD reconnection, which was what I thought to be romantic at the time, but I was on to her by the end of January and went back to no contact unless contacted or just not saying anything.  I’m good at it.

I was.  I’m sure not now.  I want her.  I’m prepping for next year for my son and it feels so false.  We don’t talk too much about it either.  She started going upstairs yesterday when we spoke in the morning and said she’d call me back when I told her about the public school lottery.  We didn’t talk about it again yesterday and she is being causal with me right now.  It is so painful to 1) hear that, and 2) I know somewhere that it’s that she is scared of getting over-extended with me.

She needn’t.  I don’t know exactly what she sees that is scary in me, but I can tell you that I’m not.  I can even back up and be respectful when I’m told that I need to just wait and see.  Do you remember in the screenplay by John Irving and the film, of course, too, when the male character tells the super hot Cherlize Theron, “Maybe if I just wait and see long enough, I won’t have to DO anything?”  That’s where I won’t compromise with a woman like her.  It’s too hard to not admit and continue to state how madly in love you are and how you are hopeful that it will work.

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Convergence in Threes

I have always believed that circumstances occur in threes and that they are moving together to form a union.  I have taken lessons from my personal theory of convergence.  Two-years ago, I was FURIOUS with my most recent ex, I saw the woman who I believe to be my one, and I was talking with the woman who broke my heart.  I asked her this weekend what that meant and she said, “Past, present, and future.”  The thing is that the latter is not definite.  Your future is only what lies right in front of you and what you are dealing with currently.  You can make plans and you can always hold out for hope, but you only have now.  Kabat-Zinn has it right!

I want to be with her.  I want to raise our sons.  I would like to have another child too.  Have I mentioned–perhaps in this entry–that I’m NOT Buddhist.  Boy, I’m not.

The thing is that we have the connection thing and our intimate life is earth-shattering and has the making of what could last because of our similarities.  That fact yields more desire and passion than either of us know what to do with and winds up being difficult during our busy weeks.  We certainly are not free from desire.  And we are both strong women.

We talked out in complete the whole misconception that we had at the end of September.  We may not have conceded that the other was right, but we met in the middle, didn’t get bogged down in detail, and made a plan for how we could move forward if we were emotionally triggered or had fears that lead to any problems with our connection.

I want to be honest, that Sunday nights are actually shit.  I sit here and want to be back in bed with her, smell her skin, stroke her long hair and kiss her cheeks and forehead.  She makes the little things warm and connected, and when she and I talk for the final time each night, and I hear fatigue in her voice, it tears up my soul to not be able to run her a bath, light the candle that I got for her and make her a new playlist with songs like “Answer” on them to let her know that I will always keep the balance.  That is something for all of my drawbacks that I can do.

So, I want to get married.  I want to raise kids and have one more.  We are back to the illustrious three, which typifies all unions, imho.  She and I though are not converging, but I still hold hope that we will take this year to see what we have and if we can make sense of these events that have not been random, but were there so we could really meet rather than seeing each other across a wine bar when she had a girlfriend, I was in a bizarre love triangle, and a woman who I had not slept with in over two-years (back in 2010) held more of my attention that night than she should have.  I want to find my pattern of three that leads us to where we are supposed to be.

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Slowing it all down

“If you have the last hands that I want to hold, then I know that I’ve got to let them go,” are pretty powerful lyrics.  I get it too.  It’s funny how after you date for awhile that you start to understand your patterns better.  I got pretty thrown off and caught up here, but I got the whole slow it down e-mail, which coupled with the disagreements is not boding well for me and my feelings of safety.  I trust her, but I don’t feel secure right now, and will have to see what these next two months feel like.  I have always held that it takes as Proulx writes, “a full turn of the calendar” to actually get to know another person.  Although she was writing about grief, it holds true with relationship too.  Here is what I used to think and some of it has changed, but only in slight:

“Honestly, I think that people force compatibility.  They have an idea of what they are looking for, and then put all of that into the person who they are dating.  They don’t see the whole person, or acknowledge what can be intuited, but instead ignore what they really are feeling.  I believe that many times it is because they fear being alone.  Often, they wind up living together without truly seeing who the other person is or just observing him or her and taking note of what kind of person is in front of them.” (me, 2009)

The thing that has really altered for me is that I really DO know what I’m looking for.  I want stability, and I want to matter and be treated well, I want to be thanked for the little things that I do and not be taken for granted, I want passion, I want time outdoors…  And, I want another child.  That’s the whole thing that can kinda screw me up and take me off balance at times.  I need to acknowledge that in myself and realize that I’ll never be a Buddhist because I really do have wants and desires.  I’m not as detached as I try to be.

So, what am I going to do now?  I’ll just be less fervent with contact.  We are both pretty busy and honestly, if I’m just one of the pack in a busy life, that won’t be enough for me.  The funny thing is that I love my friends and do anything for many of them, but during the week, I just chill with my son and keep up with them as needed.  I had a traditional dinner party last night and it was fun.  I like the  laughter and convo in my kitchen and love to cook.  I want to do some stuff like that, but only every other month.  Although I am a classic extrovert, I did learn one more lesson besides letting things go, and loving water from my last relationship.  I learned that silence is really golden and slowing down and being simply mindful when you can has it’s virtues.  Right now I’m hardly in a space of a quiet mind, but I am writing and expressing before my long day gets rolling.  It helps me to frame where I am and where I want to go.

I want us to work, but I don’t know if she’s in for the long haul.  We are both passionate, but I don’t feel like I meet her needs and can’t do that for very long.  I like to be good at what I do.  Plus, I think that I’m a great catch.  I don’t know which way it will turn out, but I can tell you that I’m intuitive and she is watching me with great skepticism right now.  That’s ok, I’m an observer too, and some of my observations have lead me to wonder if I can be perfect for her.  Perhaps no.  I’m ok with that too.  We shall see.  Tristan Prettyman says, “I’m not surprised that you still call, I’m more surprised that I don’t answer.”  I guess we all have surprises in ourselves that connections with others tend to reveal.