Tag Archives: New beginnings

by

Lessons

My number is so paltry for being 38, but I think that because I told my psychologist last night that I’m not ready to date that exercises in before and after are probably good for me.  I don’t want to be part of the catch and release program anymore, so I am going to recall what I learned from every connection that I’ve had.  Sadly, some of these might be a reach, but I want to list what I learned:

  1. High school = try to avoid enabling
  2. College = if you make somebody cry frequently, you are not compatible
  3. Marriage = if you continue to enable someone, you have to step away
  4. Coming out affair = falling in love will make your heart race and consume your being
  5. Cowgirl = I really can’t do casual
  6. Musician = I won’t do push and pull
  7. Drunk = start your day and end your day with a snuggle and enjoy water anytime you can
  8. CEO = keep your body in the best shape possible, detail your day and plan your week so you are more able to enjoy time with your family, and be vulnerable
  9. FB = I am seeking integrity, mellow is good, but not when it borders selfishness and hedonism, and I want time spent with someone with whom I am intimate to matter

I can look at these and see a pattern that follows every other relationship.  That really could mean that the next girl who I sleep with could be one who I could fall in love with and give my heart to–I am certainly open to that possibility.  Again, that means that there are some definite things that I don’t want.  I don’t want to be controlled or give too much of my time or resources.  I also want to resolve conflicts.  In addition to smart and sexy, I am seeking stable and kind.

by

Not into her

It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me.  I can use some downtime.  I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want.  I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox.  I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now.  In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.

I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months.  I met her in June of 2009.  When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone.  It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things.  I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October.  Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year.  However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip.  I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f.  Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.”  I guess that happened with my ex too.

She started breaking up with me once a month since January.  I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September.  Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening.  And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months.  Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow.  Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.”  To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”

What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl.  I would like some time to elapse.  It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college.  She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together.  When do you really know someone?  It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex.  I just won’t.  However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer.  Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself.  People sure are weird.

The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it.  Also, right now she is dating some men.  Nope.  I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night.  She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.”  No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman.  Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.

Again, I have not met her yet…  I am looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable
by

On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

by

Been on the run

I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships.  I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former.  Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year.  I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily.  I don’t want rancor.

I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman.  I loved being vulnerable.  I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her.  That made me realize the possible.  Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection.  I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day.  I also keep my body in tip top shape.  Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.

With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded.  I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her.  I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me.  I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.

I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker.  I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy.  I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher.  I just like her way.  I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush.  I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open.  I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion.  My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone.  I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love.  I know that I am.

by

Not the weird one

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything but that quintessential thunderbolt when I see this mystery girl.  That’s it.  Not about to chase anyone or am I begging for what I want to happen with my ex.

We had a glass of wine last night and I drove probably 40-miles round trip for 50-minutes.  I’m glad that next Thursday will be my last trip for some time.  However, if she would ask me for help, which she won’t, I would comply.  I think that she feels guilty that I’m dropping off food and synching her iPod, but that is the right thing to do and that is me.  I want her surgery to go well and for her to recover quickly.  I know that she will.  I then think that sometime in December, she will start dating.  That will be a very good experience for her too.

She was not a corpse.  She was open and fairly warm, but exhausted.  Her stress that she pretends is not there has caught up with her.  It will be a wonderful thing for her to not be able to move and be forced to just think and be.  I’m glad that she will have this time and believe that it will be helpful too.  I wasn’t remotely attracted to her though, but rather just felt compassion for what she is dealing with currently.  That approach made being across from the table from her quite comfortable for me too.

I had a situation visa vi my son blow up this week.  I had to put the “smack down” without him in attendance with his father.  My ex asked me last night about my parenting woes and I told her that I don’t want to talk about it.  She called me a compartmentalizer.  I don’t think that she gets that I’m just not willing to hear her judgmental bullshit given that we are not dating.  That in addition to her belief that I’m selfish, negative, and creepy will prevent me from ever being her friend.  However, I’m very glad that we can be amiable and share space if we have to, because I don’t want to live into this song:

 

EVERYONE gets these lyrics!  I like this video that is a queer take on the gr8 Gotye song.

by

Steadfast

I used to say religiously, “I’m not taking her back,” and that level of black and white doesn’t even sound like me.  Now, I say, “Your actions confuse me.”  I don’t get why she texts at night before she goes into her work week at night.  She knows that I won’t just engage and be super friendly.  I will answer direct questions, but I am not going to be chatty and exchange details with someone who I have dated for ten-months total, and that I didn’t know over a year ago.  I have tons of friends to talk about the hell that I had with my son this weekend and the fact that most of it was fragmented and he played so rough with his best friend last night that he hurt him.  I talk to my FRIENDS about that.  Plus, I’m not into superficiality, but rather connection.  I had a huge dinner on Saturday with a friend who I have had a friendship with since 5th grade at one of my colleague’s houses with whom I have just gotten closer, and closer over the last 11-years.  I have connections with friends.

I would not say that I don’t need her.  Because she is the only one who I can imagine kissing.  It is interesting to me that when I kissed for the first time the girl from summer it wasn’t even nice.  She is not a good kisser.  It had been awhile since I had been with a girl who didn’t kiss well.  Like over three-years, and I was surprised that I even went further.  I was just lonely.  That’s the huge contrast currently.  I’m not lonely.  I just think that my ex is afraid of taking a step with me for a variety of reasons, but it does translate to me that I’m not worth it to her in that realm.  However, someday we will likely be quite amiable.

I told her that I won’t text unless I have to tell her something about my son or if something would happen let’s say to my parents.  Otherwise, I will drop off a lot of food and visit her a couple of days before her surgery so I can synch her iPod.  I love a playlist that I made that is the namesake of one of my current blogging categories.  “I’m not the one to try to tell you lies, but the truth is that you’ve been hiding from it too,” are incredible lyrics as are many from the other 14 songs that I put on there.  Instead of speaking through the subterfuge of lyrics solely, I will also make a playlist of about 30 triumphant songs too so she has something to listen to while recovering.  I don’t think that I wrote that I was exactly right, and that is that she tore some of her muscles in the area where they took her son out when she had him.  I knew that she didn’t have cancer.  When you’re in love with someone and intimate with them, you just would know if he or she was sick.

I remember this summer a rather innocuous conversation that we had and it was nice.  I remember realizing that you probably can be friends with an ex, and I do believe that.  My friend and colleague who I cooked with this weekend said, “No you can’t!  You are in love with her and that won’t work!”  I told her in a few years I’ll be able to be her friend.  Again, she lives so far away from me that it won’t be close, I am sure, but what would honestly crush me is seeing her out by chance and have her be completely cold.  She is good at that too, so I’d rather just build some amiability.  I think that in my heart, I know that she really fears going to counseling with me and a woman like me presents real challenges for her.  When she withdraws, I’d really rather just know where she is at, so I can hold her tight, but like another Cameron Crowe line she is “not built that way,” so I really will just hold out.  I will not just sleep with some girl to numb this pain, because that is not what I’m looking for either.

I want to find someone

  1. Sexy
  2. Funny
  3. Smart
  4. Who I see and just feel a chemical hit
  5. Who truly wants to completely connect to me
by

Immediacy

So, when I work with kids and also do some work with adults I sometimes have to ask them, “Where are you right now and what are you experiencing?”  That kind of in-the-moment focus helps one not drudge up the past and also aids the ability of a person to be fully present and focused on moving forward.  She came over late last night and we just enjoyed each other fully, and I also made a full breakfast this morning for both of us and my son.  One of the highlights was when my son’s dog busted into the bedroom and lain her body on her.  I told her, “That one is mine, and you’ll have to find your own.”  She loves her and it is obviously reciprocal.  We wound up being all of us piled in the bed and she held my son too.  It was a sweet morning.

Last night she told me that she wanted to get naked and I said, “Well, that sounds great to me,” and she quickly followed it up my affirmation by saying, “Well, not a naked cuddle.  My intention is to fuck, so I just want to be clear.”  I actually really like how direct she is, and still hold that hers and my sex life is incredible and would be impossible to parallel.  We had quite a lot of sex and then drifted off to music via my iPod in a docking station.  It was nice.  We would have had some more lovemaking this morning, but we got in pj’s because my son was awake and all cuddled together eventually.  I can still smell her perfume in my room and will be missing her tonight while she is in the mountains with her mother and son and some of her “adopted” family.

I told her that I just want to hang out with her.  She told me that she just has to be sure.  I told her that there is no “for sure” things, but that I’m not about to bottom line our situation or think that she should trust me within 6-months.  She said that if I gave her an ultimatum, she would bounce.  I didn’t remind her that I told her that I didn’t want to continue after we had tried to reconnect in July and she presented like a corpse, and that it was she who continued to contact me constantly.  I honestly thought because I had hooked up with a girl a few times, and also had two different dates with two different girls that we would never speak again.  Then she got it, and that was if we truly were operating with immediacy, we need to just enjoy and not be so damn guarded.  Saying, “my intention is to fuck” is a great start.  We need to stay here…  Laughing, talking, enjoying each other and our intimacy as best as we are able given very busy and separate lives.

I still love her and told her all last night and this morning.  We do love each other.  We do have incredible amounts of passion and wonderful intimacy in convo and also the sexual realm.  I know that we are in love, and hope that we have the ability for a commitment.  She told me that I treat her better, am not selfish, and say things that are sweeter and sound different than they did before.  She is still grieving her loss, working on finalizing all aspects of her “divorce” from her partner who she has not been with in 7-years, and just wants me, to be me.  I can do that.  It’s the only way I know.

by

Kindness

The friend who I have been sleeping with is so kind.  I can’t believe how conscientious she is about contact and staying connected to me.  We talked last night before bed and then texted some more.  I really hope that she will finally get some sleep.  I like just being able to talk free from resentment and simply enjoy when we are together.  I think that she and I really do have some destiny to stay in each other’s lives after we see out what it is that we are doing.

My ex texted me last night.  It says that she misses me and that I will always have a piece of her heart.  I don’t even know what that means really.  I think that given what she does for a living and how she controls her friends that she is not able to separate how she shows up with others or even differentiate between her work and friendships.  Even with her best friend, who she doesn’t see frequently, she still makes comments about and to directly in terms of the way that she leads her life.  It’s really a classic Adlerian paradigm, and I’d rather be with someone and just be.  I want judgment reserved.  I’ll delete her message in a little while.  I won’t contact her again.  I’ll wish her a Happy Birthday, but I don’t want contact.  I really do want a year’s worth of space.

I want kindness.  I’m seeking it and give it anytime that I can.  If someone is leading her life in a way that I don’t think is good, I can say that it wouldn’t be for me, but it probably works for that person.  A good example is a friend who I’ve had for 25-years who has done break-up / make-up with her partner for 4-years.  It would not be for me (And I have told her this twice), but I think that is the dynamic that she and her girl have, so it must work for them.  Kindness and consistency works for me in addition to honest and open communication.  I like having sex with someone who is kind, consistent, and honest with me too.  I am having a good end to my vacation this week.

by

Momentum

I feel really good.  I think that although I did coerce her into coming over last night that I was good to her.  She was sore given her camping trip and fast-paced lifestyle that she has.  Also, she had not slept in four-days.  I should have taken melatonin, so I could have slept more soundly after I gave her a deep massage.  Next time…  Saturday that is.  I felt bad that we woke up a lot because I am–let’s face it–stoked to have a naked woman wake up next to me what will be three times this week.  That is so rare for me, and is honestly what I’m looking for longterm.  As is someone to make breakfast for everyday.  That was nice too.

I told her that my lifestyle may not work for her because this will be my busiest 10-months, but if she just wants to see what may develop given that I love hanging out with her and enjoy our sex life, then we can just see what it’s like when we spend more time together and settle into the fall.  We really had some good chemistry there and it is sooooo good to be back in the saddle again.  With my ex, things that were that satisfying became few and far between, so it’s also gratifying.

I’m just going to take this situation day-by-day.  She has housemates who are like family to her, and she frankly does not want to disrupt that much, so it may be that she is not really in the boat for a partner.  I’d be fine with us just having sex and seeing each other when we could and then becoming friends after I’m done with this busy, busy year.  What will be, will be and I feel so much better than I did and am grateful to not be pining for last fall with my ex.

by

A taste

That is the bad thing about sex when you are not used to having it as much as you’d like…  You want more.  Damn.  She is out-of-town and I have my son.  I suppose that we will sleep together this weekend anyway.  Damn again!  I wasn’t going to do this kinda thing with her.  Physically, she is not really my type at all, but maybe I’m just so happy to liked for who I am and have someone interacting nicely with me that thinks who I’m sexy and smart.  That’s a good thing.  Sooooo superior to selfish, negative, and creepy when you are unwilling to drive to me, are unsure that I have longterm potential, and want to be free of sexual intensity.  Well, the latter sure has a different spin when you fuck until 5 in the morning and then do it again at 7.

I did tell her that she needs to be dating a non-mother and probably someone her age or younger.  She said that she has done younger.  I will tell you too that she was the first thing on my mind today as were some of the particulars from the 6-hours of sex.  When I called her this morning, I told her that I have no idea what we are.  The thing is that I just want to take a year and see, but I also want her to find someone way less complicated than I am.  I will be working constantly August – May and I have full custody of my son.  That is not constant sex, which is something that she likes.

I can also tell you that for right now, she is nice to talk to and that I’d do her right now if she was in town and I could get a sitter.  I fell in love hard once and it was simple for three-months, so now I think that I feel more comfortable going back to slow, organic development.  I shall see and truly have an ease with her, so I will just take each day with her and see what becomes of it.

by

30-day trial is not applying right now

I had hot sex last night and this morning with a friend of mine.  She and I have known each other very vaguely, but we have been hanging out a ton since mid-June.  We went out and when the night waned on, I realized that I was going to sleep with her.  She is also vaguely in love with me, which made it flattering.  She is very smart too, so when we talked about our fate and a one-time thing, it was obvious to me that is just want she wanted as well.  It was nice, and it was very nice to forget about my ex for many hours.

The only thing is that she is ready to date, and I can date every other weekend.  Given that she does not have kids of her own, that is what we could do.  I told her what we both already knew…  We are at different stages of life, that I would not bring my son around our dating, and that she is worth way, way more than a rebound thing.  She deserves the whole package.  I need to heal up completely anyway.

I won’t sleep with her again anytime soon.  I want to do social things with girls and build up my circle of friends.  I used to say that I don’t do my friends, and I wouldn’t, but I just wanted arms around me as did she, because for her, it had been a long, long time.  She is a brand-new friend anyway, because I have known of her, but not known her really until last month.  I hope that this intimate connection will be an impetus for her to meet a girl who is not a Mom to date.

The thing that is amazing is how open she is.  My ex doesn’t take anything that I say at face value.  It’s a competition or I am not being truthful.  With this girl who is my friend it is polar opposite–as are her looks–which meant that I had to talk to her somewhat about the obvious reasons for our sex.  I have no regrets.  It made me feel vital and will help cure me of my ex’s spell.

by

Leave it

I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.”  I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text.  It’s true.  I  think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship.  That was our normal rhythm.  But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend.  I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real.  And I know that I can leave it…  Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.

I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now.  I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me.  In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday.  She can’t stop thinking about me.  Me.  The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible.  Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls.  So be it.  Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.

My cycling partner’s family was in town last week.  I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset.  I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence.  That is a good analogy for me too.  I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable.  This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too.  Compromise and flow.  I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her.  She is such a genuine person.”  That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there.  Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.