Tag Archives: Writing

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Tesoro

I have a new love interest. We had been DM’ing on the app since mid-July, I think. I don’t know in reality because she deleted the app.

I have this weird, shallow thing. I don’t look at women with brown eyes.

I’ve been that way my whole life too. My very first GF (hs) had brown eyes. The little liar did too. Otherwise, my GFs have had green or blue eyes.

I had her on possible matches and when I swiped her, it said “It’s a match!”

Then she started DM’ing me a week later. We may have matched at the end of June, now that I’m thinking about it.

Anyway, her DM game was good. Very good. Her sweetness shone through and she paraphrases and summarizes my answers to her questions. It’s like she writes as an extension of her listening skills.

We moved off the app at the end of July and began talking the first days of August. We use Microsoft Teams which is a wonderful app because it can thread conversations for specific replies. We also have tried video chatting on it and typically use it to call. The latter is a great, because she’s currently in Istanbul working for two weeks. I couldn’t believe that she called me at 2:30 in the morning her time her very first night! (We talked almost an hour.)

She is beautiful. Tall, fit, long limbed, and has high, lean muscles on her calves and shoulders. Her long hair is always neatly styled, looks soft, and she wears subtle makeup and is always dressed sporty, but sexy in photos that she sends to me. She has full lips, white perfect teeth and a killer smile.

I wasn’t sure that she was real, so I didn’t even talk to my GF about her until after I’d mentioned her to my GF’s best friend who said, “She looks like a model!” It turned out that she is real, and now things are progressing.

I’ve asked her to change her flight back to our state to Sunday the 14th. I hope that she can. I have that whole day free and could do anything to help her with her jet lag and take her all over too. I really want to meet her and see how our vibe is IRL.

She has an accent. I assumed that she was Latina. Well, I was wrong! She’s Mediterranean. In fact, the detail is interesting:

It’s interesting for three reasons personally. My lineage on the paternal side is highlighted. Where she was born is marked (above).

Parts of my roots are close to where she was born. Secondly, I’ve been OBSESSED with Vesuvius since 5th grade. And I mean obsessed! I studied it, read about it, watched documentaries, and looked at artifacts, etc. That volcano is under 6-miles away from where she was born. The final thing is something that my GF taught me. Apparently when women are fertile they are biologically attracted to men who don’t look like them. That goes away after one is no longer fertile. I think that I have shifted to being attracted to women in my middle age who could be closely related to me. All of these details give me pause. It’s like a pattern. Brains love patterns.

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TikTok

I woke up on Tuesday morning having slept really well to a TikTok by James Sexton regarding lesbian divorces characterized by knock down drag out fighting and prior Domestic Violence experiences. My initial reaction was “WTF?”

Then I realized that my GF had sent it for a reason, so I obtained a white paper and found out that due to intersectionality–being female and having less financial power and sometimes more impact on ability to achieve stability alongside being a sexual minority causes pain. Pain has to go somewhere. Researchers assumed that this intersectionality puts pressure in the female couple dyad.

It made me feel awful.

My divorce wasn’t amiable. She always told me that we had no foundation, and that was true.

I loved her for years and my love wasn’t enough. We got married when my son was in 3rd grade.

My Mom shattered her shoulder weeks after we had wed and my parents were both already declining. My son went off the deep end in 6th grade after his father had a breakdown and moved states at the end of 5th grade. Everyone was crumbling around me and I had no way to be enough or help significantly anyone who needed me. Nothing could become proactive or stable. Decline was all around us.

My ex-wife and I both have tendencies toward being reactive. It was a recipe for contention, but not physical violence. I’m glad that our marriage is over. I had filed once in 2019 and she had me reverse the filing. She filed in 2022 and became biromantic with men and is now married to a man and is living out of the country.

My GF and I went back and forth DMing in TikTok because she has it was “interesting” and “seemed to support” why my divorce was difficult from my ex-wife and not really from my ex-husband.

The whole thing was grossly oversimplified.

And I found it hurtful.

Last night we talked about it and she told me that she found it hurtful that I didn’t see how interesting it was and applied to my divorce. She said that we sometimes arrive at an impasse.

My GF is one of those women who is kind, caring and tends toward helping everyone out. I think that sometimes because she assumes positive intent, she doesn’t know how some of her assertions land.

I felt judged. I was hurt. I told her last night on our date that I want to feel safe, seen and secure. She said that she wanted that too. She was upset with me for not seeing why she sent me that particular TikTok.

I got up really early today. I didn’t sleep well because my new love interest who I was supposed to meet tomorrow had to fly abroad for work and will be gone two weeks. I misunderstood when her flight would get in and thought that it would be this morning in my time zone, but it will be late afternoon today. I shouldn’t have slept with my cell phone near me!

Because my GF and I had a date last night and were still talking about this difference of opinion, I went ahead and thought about the situation again. I still find it odd that she sent it to me and thought it would be helpful to me. Having conflict about TikTok is really weird.

I DM’ed:

“So, I watched it again and even through afterglow [dosage of psilocybin on Thursday night] it seems to say that lesbians have knock down drag out endings and high DV rates. Sorry, I don’t understand why you sent it to me. I’m just trying to be a good person and GF. I am also willing to slow down, monitor reactions that I have, and ask more questions for information. Making assumptions or jumping to conclusions [something that I have to continuously work on] doesn’t seem to result in abusive fights or domestic violence in my experience.”

So, she’s upset. And I’m less upset, but don’t see why that was the one that she chose to send to me.

Except for some animal videos, I don’t particularly like TikTok. If I can get my book designed, I will probably use it for my content, and it doesn’t seem to matter now because she hasn’t sent me anything on it since Tuesday at 1:06 am.

How can I reframe this problem? I don’t see my individual therapist for 12-days and would love feedback. It helps me to write and it also helps for people who read my entry to comment.

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Limit

I’m Solo Poly. There have been many times that we have discussed in groups that I belong to a rule, a limit and a boundary. People confuse them.

Rules are societal standards. You can’t yell “Fire” at the movies.

Rules in relationships are things like, “I cooked,” so you’ll clean the kitchen and start the dishwasher. They don’t typically apply to things that can’t be easily understood. Rules are almost perfectly black and white.

Boundaries are a lot more confusing. It’s like pushing on something that has been discussed and agreed to prior. It’s like saying, “I’ve asked you not to talk about money when we’re in social situations, and you did last night. I don’t want you to go back on the boundary that I’ve set for that topic.”

I’m setting a limit with _____. I haven’t done it yet, because she and I actively had some conflict.

We’d DM’ed most of the evening before when she and I rescheduled a video date and exchanged a few in the afternoon and then she went silent around 2:00 pm.

I sent a message that said, “5:00. Don’t fall asleep. Or go out to dinner. I can’t wait to see you on video.”

“I’ll try, darling.”

I video called at 5, 6, and 7.

In the morning, I sent an old school text. “I tried you 3x. I am not into a lack of specific communication. Feel free to come to _______ on 8/31 if you’d like to meet in person.”

Then I didn’t send anything.

And she freaked out.

Work was trying and busy the following day. We are missing two folks in assistant positions. It’s like a day treatment position for me. I also had to assess a threat that day. I had not a second and was teaching in person that night. I had to drive to campus. I left her a voice to text in the app when I noticed that she’d called and saw a couple of DMs.

_____ called 7 times in Teams. I just counted the number this morning while I am writing.

And we actively had conflict about it.

Saying that things come up is bullshit.

I have three full jobs. I also assess for a practice on occasion.

And she’s purportedly a “J” on Myers-Briggs!

I’ve told a colleague and my GF that she is either in witness protection or she has escaped an abusive ex-husband.

Regardless, that’s my limit. No more setting up video calls.

I always say that no one is born knowing how to treat you.

I have set a limit–mostly for myself–that I will call in the morning on 8/31 at a time that we come up with and won’t get in my car until she’s in hers. Then we can both drive three-hours into the mountains to meet in person.

Otherwise the limit, which I will voice, is that I don’t like avoidant behavior. See me in person on August 31st come hell or high water. Or that’s it for me hustling. I don’t chase.

If it doesn’t happen, “When you’re ready to come to the city that I live in, let me know ahead of time, and I’ll take you out to dinner.”

Of course I am hoping that I see her IRL on Sunday, August 31st. I am holding out this time. My GF said that I have some kind of thing for women who look like librarians.

Regardless, I’ve set a limit for myself.

What’s a rule? What’s a limit? What’s a boundary? How do you help love interests learn how to treat you?

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Magic

Dating apps are mostly torture. You have people that you see IRL and realize after three dates that they’re not likely friendship material.

The last woman that I had three dates with doesn’t stop talking. Not for a second. You have to interrupt her with simple attending behaviors.

I had a date with a woman who was love bombing to a giant degree and her car smelled of strong marijuana.

Then, I have had those ghosting and cancelling ones that never happen.

The latter are in the category that I shall dub “super fun.”

I started thinking that would be the way with this woman.

I can’t give her a name yet. And we have certainly had to work on our communication. But, it’s getting there and I will be so incredibly sad if we don’t have our video call on Monday. We have plans to be together for the 31st and I want to make those via the video call.

I want some magic. I want more than 3-4 hours in a row spent together in manner in which it can just organically flow. I want us to decide if we venture out of a hotel room when we wake up or if we don’t. I want to snuggle and talk.

First things first.

She had asked me after we had a phone call on the 5th of August and I was making her laugh if I was trying to steal her heart? I texted, “No!” and quoted the author again that it’s much better to walk into love. She told me it was working.

In the meantime, I want a lovely video call, and then a decently long date in person. For the pursuit of magic I am certainly willing to break my no kiss on the first date thing.

That’s been 14-years!

I don’t think that I mentioned that she lives in my state much nearer to to other states than to my city.

Now, I am left wondering if she and I have any potential magic.

Magic, like chemistry, is mutually fed. It has a rhythm and a cadence. I really want it. I’d like it to be with this woman.

What do you do when you’re in the holding pattern? Waiting for the moment is a test of patience.

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Love Language

I’m not sure when these became all the rage… Maybe in the 2010s decade?

My ex-wife and I agreed that gifts are mostly dumb.

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately as I’m rounding the corner on 11-months with my girlfriend too. Also, they’re on the middle portion of most women’s dating profiles.

Hands down, I am a Physical Touch person. I think that it’s how I receive all input.

As a brief aside that’s what has been so troubling about my blowing out all the cartilage behind my left knee cap. I can’t move like I want to and it’s very depressing. It’s odd too because I don’t talk to my members of my bowling or kickball teams anymore. Just slightly related to that is that both of those sports involve alcohol, so that is probably what they’re doing socially when they’re not playing.

I love having my hand held. I love an arm around me. I love all things related to sexual intimacy.

Secondary to that is that I need and crave Quality Time. And mine is a tall order. The time spent shouldn’t be casual and should rather be involving interaction, cooperation or some manner of incredible conversation wherein I am learning.

I know that I’m best at Acts of Service. I just think that’s being a Virgo. I can see the holes, quickly analyze them, and then fulfill the need. And, I don’t want those to be reciprocated. When I’m helping someone, I just know that it’s the right thing.

I do not like gifts.

I also don’t like Words of Affirmation. In fact, when someone is way into that as a love language expression, I recoil. They feel like disingenuous bullshit. Or, especially in the case of when my son does them, I know that he wants something from me. It’s usually money.

I am NOT a one-off person. When I love, I love HARD. I don’t want to put that on my dating profile though because I agree with my friend who’s an author that you should walk into love.

Hahaha. Can you tell that in 6-weeks I have a birthday?

What’s your love language for receiving? Is yours different than what you have for giving? Do you think that these are important to discuss with romantic partners?

I took this picture on my 50th birthday in The Met

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Dating

I have been out on three dates since I have been on the app. I had plans for six, and two were not happening. One because the girl was a tease and maybe side hustling for money and the other because I wasn’t positive if I’d be back in town on time and also got a flat tire. She asked someone else.

The other one was cancelled by a woman who has had the best DM game that I’ve read since May and we had an easy and fun conversation on the phone before we made date plans. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t super disappointed in her cancellation. I won’t text her because she said the time wasn’t right and she is presently maxed out socially, but I’ll hope that she texts me someday in the future.

Dating kind of sucks.

I am having my fourth date today. And it’s with a woman whom I’ve gone out with one time before.

We talked on the phone in May before I left for Lake Michigan. And it was hard to hang up. She can really talk. I mean that. I thought that it was maybe because she was nervous. Well, our date was like that too and I told my therapist last week that she asked me one question, and the question was defensive.

People feel some kind of way when you work in mental health.

She asked, “Do you ever have the ability to turn it off given that you provide mental health?”

I talked about what I had suggested for her son when she was talking about him and she qualified the question. She was making sure that when I meet people I don’t look for pathology.

I told her that people who don’t see their role in lack of compatibility with previous partners have red flags for me. I think understanding attachment is important. I also think that it takes two to fight and have conflict. Now that I’m not having stress of cohabiting, I can see that I’m able to resolve conflicts. I don’t have enough skills or desire to fix problems when you have to see the significant day in and day out. I’m glad that I know that about myself now.

Those things didn’t scare her off.

However, she really didn’t stop talking. They were long stories too–albeit all interesting–and sometimes I didn’t have to use attending behaviors or anything. She just talks.

So, I called it out. At the end of our date I said, “I hope that you learn some things about me when we get together in two weeks.”

My GF turned bright red when I told her that over our dinner last Saturday.

I said, “That’s mean? I meant it. She LEGIT asked me one question, and I don’t want to date someone if she doesn’t want to get to know me.”

My girlfriend said that she would be profoundly embarrassed and ashamed if I said that to her.

I told her, “You ask me questions all of the time. The first time we texted, you asked me all kinds of questions. You’re interested in me.”

My therapist thought that was a good question to see if she knew that she had dominated the conversation.

Regardless, I’m curious today if she and I have chemistry. That’s such a difficult thing. You have it or you don’t. I’m going to go to the gym now and then get ready for my date. We shall see.

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Date

My current GF has a three-year-old. That means that this child is really her whole world. I hope that because she puts every ounce of herself into her child that will yield a securely attached person who can fit into the world.

That’s also meant that I make plans for all of our dates.

I’d like that to shift completely.

We went to an interesting talk on July 9th and out to dinner. I had fun. My GF paid for the babysitter and our dinners. The talk that we went to was related to her industry and she’d heard about it via someone she works with and a person she met at a work conference. I thanked her for the date plans and she laughed and said it wasn’t really a plan.

At the end of last year (12/31/24) she partially planned a date, and it included her best friend. She bought NYE concert tickets. I paid for parking, transportation, the babysitter and wound up tacking on dinner that night which I paid for as well. Her best friend showed up at the end of our dinner so we could transport together to the venue.

I think that last Saturday was the first full date that she planned and paid for over the course of our ten-month relationship.

She picked me up, we drove to another city, we took a stained glass class, we walked around an art fair and then had dinner together. She paid for the babysitter too.

We had a pretty tough conversation over dinner too. I feel like there were seeds planted that will continue to sprout going forward. However, the whole night yielded a net positive and we will likely have some more balanced experiences going forward. I really liked the date. I thanked her for it several times and it made me feel special.

Tonight we’re going to a theatrical rerelease of a film that I wasn’t able to see in the theater. It came out when I completed my undergraduate degree and was beginning my first round of graduate school. I’m not sure what time the babysitter will get to her, so I don’t know if we can get food before. My GF doesn’t do any carbohydrates for the most part and no sugar, so movie food isn’t an option. Worse case scenario is that we grab local burgers on the way home.

I’m a great date. I’m a great planner of dates too. I don’t take any time that I have with a beautiful woman for granted. I don’t believe in falling back on default responses or not engaging in meaningful experiences.

I hope that she knows that I want her to plan some dates for us.

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HER

After getting banned from Tinder, I made a HER account and almost had difficulty managing it for awhile. Now, it’s simple. If you’re not verified, I don’t message you. If you’re between 25-39 I assume that you only want sex or a sugar mama. Pretty straightforward.

Enter the mountain girl.

But, first let me tell you what I had learned and utilized.

I had a rhythm. If you were real, I either waited until you messaged me or vice versa and then I scheduled a phone call. Sometimes it wasn’t getting to latter because plenty of women either freak out when you’re Solo Poly or when they really see that you are, after more DMs, they stop writing to you.

That’s all good.

I’m not looking for a standard cohabiting escalator partner.

I won’t change my mind.

I just want at least one other GFs and will continue to be open to the correct comet situations.

The mountain girl hails from Dallas and has also lived in Connecticut and travelled all over the east coast. She moved here with her partner and ran a pizzeria for awhile. They’ve been divorced a year. She’s mostly retired and has all her own money. She has a boyfriend and is a relationship anarchist. She builds her relationships individually with each person including her friends. This blog entry is a good overview of things that I believe about myself and what terms are typically in relationship anarchy.

We had great DMs and then wound up talking just under 50-minutes. She went on a weekend vacation with her BF and was texting me. That would’ve really irritated me, so that would be something that she and I would talk about prior, if we reach that level and stage.

I’m going to be in the mountains all weekend for a polyamory event.

The mountain girl and I spoke on the phone twice yesterday and I told her if it’s flex this weekend with having folks come to pick me up and not stay for a bit that I’d love to have some in person time with her. I texted the author and she said that I’m not chained to the house so of course I can meet up with her.

I can’t wait to see if we also have in person chemistry. She’s normally 4-hours away from me, and I tend to think that it’s nice to miss someone. I’m excited to see what is what. I’m also excited for my event this weekend.

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Drawing Board

I thought that we had a nice date. I hope that she’s not having buyer’s remorse. I’ve barely heard from her. If she cancels next Thursday, I guess that I can ask her before the music night that my best friend is hosting, or even when she confirms or cancels Thursday, if she wants to still hang out. She’s entangled with a guy who sounds like he has Avoidant Attachment. I tried very hard to get her to consider having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Her thing is that he is not even committed to her and it’s mostly FWB, so it’s difficult for her to see that scenario.

I was banned from Tinder. Hahahahahaha. They don’t give any information with regards to who reported you or why you can’t log in. I asked for a refund because you can’t file an appeal if your account has been shut off rendering you unable to login at all.

I tried another help ticket and got similar information. They don’t tell you anything. You just can’t login, which also means that you can’t make an appeal.

So, I made a HER account the following day and it just blows up. I can’t even keep up with it. I have a phone date to see if a walk is a good idea on Tuesday.

I finally get to hang out with my current GF 1-1 on Saturday. Thank you.

She had asked me in April to host a BBQ for her best friend, which I’m doing. I can stand and will ice and elevate between grilling. My knee still sucks bad. LA is making salads for it. I still need to run to Costco to get burgers and run by the bread store to get buns. I’m going to spend all day cleaning on Sunday.

My son and his new bromance helped me weed for an hour on Wednesday. It’s so nice to have help!

Unless something huge happens, I’m not going to write anything until mid-June. I don’t think that I’ve ever needed my Solo Vacation this badly.

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Ouch

In addition to the severe osteoarthritis that I have, I also have chondromalacia, and have written about the damage that I did to the cartilage behind my knee. I also have bone marrow edema in my femur. I’m in a ton of pain and need to connect with my neighbor–she offered–who is a Physical Therapist.

That’s not the main topic.

It does hurt like a MF though.

I don’t think that I mentioned that there was this gigantic man was coming up the stairs when my girlfriend and I were looking for a restaurant on May 3rd. I noticed his arms, because that tends to make me feel really envious. I always wish that I could get that big. My girlfriend told me that he was breathtaking later in the evening. I didn’t love that, because I want my date to be on a date with me and not looking at other people.

The Monday before we were seeing an author, and she asked me, “Are you having a ton of fun here? All the women are so tall! I have never thought of you as short and you seem so in this crowd.” I told her, “When I’m on a date, I don’t look at other women.”

I spoke with her directly on Mother’s Day about her lusting after the young, fit guy who was on a date with his girlfriend. I didn’t like it, and I told her.

It’s interesting to me that she texted something yesterday that seemed somewhat passive aggressive.

Baby Daddy is hideous. He has his daughter’s inheritance diamond unless he pawned it. I didn’t know until May 3rd it’s a replacement ring because my GF’s mother’s ring was “lost” alongside her jewelry box when the estate finalized after her Dad died. (My GF’s mother died when she was 10.)

Her new ring that I designed was to have her birthstone, her daughter’s birthstone and a diamond in it. My GF didn’t like that idea because she said it’d look like Christmas. She’s not wrong.

Anyway, the ring is mostly homage to her parents, but she likes that the light blue sapphire is somewhat a reference to my birth month.

There were issues with the ring getting here. It was really trying and upsetting me me. I texted her, “Does nothing work post-COVID?”

She texted, “Your sex drive seems to.”

I didn’t know where that came from. I texted that I’d not had sex since the 19th of April. Then I started processing–I process really slow–and told her that I certainly wouldn’t be having sex on Friday! I also move really slow.

She did call me in the afternoon yesterday and we had a nice and easy conversation. She obviously is feeling very hurt about me dating. A week ago she said that she didn’t think that it would move fast. I’m not sure why she’d think that.

I’m 50. I am fit. I am kind. I make enough money to not have financial reason to cohabit.

Why wouldn’t I have a date within a couple of weeks of making a profile?

I’m so excited for Friday. We were originally scheduled for Wednesday, but she had to change it because her ex-husband changed his dental surgery date. She didn’t feel good about someone post-sedation watching her 10-year-old son. His surgery was yesterday.

Friday night, is a “date night” as Keanu Reeves puts it in “Something’s Gotta Give.” I like that.

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IRL

I think that I’m just better with in person meeting. Years ago, I met one woman on Chemistry.com and we just spent a couple of weekends together. A friend ran an OK Cupid for me and I had a couple of months of dates with a tall, blue-eyed flute player. However, online dating is pretty difficult.

I had a very cool thing happen on Tuesday. I was scrolling through Tinder before I went to a meeting and saw the girl who hugged me and rubbed her hands all over my body at Karaoke Thanksgiving week. I had her number anyway so I texted her about seeing her profile and we exchanged a few texts. I told her that I’d take her to dinner outside of the context of Tinder. I asked for a phone call.

Again, in real life stuff (IRL) is how I roll.

Yesterday, she asked me to go roller skating alongside the women who she and her best friend had met at karaoke in November. (One of my friends was dancing and making out with her best friend that night.) She texted only me and I asked her if she would like me to forward that text to these women. I haven’t roller skated since 7th grade and would be terrible now, and can’t anyway given my knee. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me or go out in a group. She didn’t answer that, and instead began a long text exchange with me. I even left work late!

I’m so looking forward to our phone call. She wants to go to karaoke in a group before our date, but I think that I’m just too busy this weekend.

I am unsure what’s going to happen with my girlfriend. She had texted me fairly late yesterday a laughing emoji with the words “How is active dating going?” I just called her.

I had the tough conversation with her on Saturday, and I think that my position isn’t understood. I don’t understand hers either, so because she thinks that I’m being aggressive, I told her that I’ll just talk to her on Friday. She has a friend here from Chicago anyway.

I would rather, and this isn’t shocking being that I’m Solo Poly, just continue to date her when she makes plans with me. We have some really wonderful things in our relationship and she’s the nicest woman whom I have dated. Saturday was no exception. It was a nice date.

I’ll see Friday if she wants to be friends. I have named that directly and kicked it around frequently since March, so I’m fine with that. I don’t want to fight about a lack of sex anymore. That’s just weird and goes nowhere.

I’m very excited for my phone call with the woman whose Tinder profile I saw after having met her in person in November. She is about 5’10”, has a fantastic body, hazel eyes and sandy brown hair that she highlights. I have called out that I am ten-years older and she texted that she’s always drawn to older people. She has a ten-year-old, which means that she had him at the exact same age that I had my son. She’s also a Taurus, which is easy for me given that I’m in my element. She knows about my GF and that I’m Solo Poly. After we go to dinner, I’ll write an update.

I may write another one on Sunday after Mother’s Day stuff with my GF and our kids depending on how the weekend goes.

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Sleeping

It’s likely that I am now fully in menopause. I haven’t had a cycle this year. It’s strange, because my mother had cycles until she was in her early 60s. There are only 74-days left this year, so we’ll see.

I haven’t slept really well since before I got married. My ex-wife had nightmares and would often scream in the night. Of course, given that she was in state of sleep paralysis, the scream was like a moan until she could wake herself up and then really start screaming. She eventually slept in the spare bedroom, but because it’s across a fairly narrow hallway, I would have to go over there and either wake her up or knock on the door if she had it locked. My sleep became poor during my marriage, but if she was elsewhere, as she was sometimes for a few months, I could always sleep 7-9 hours.

My son has been out of my house for 15-months so humans don’t wake me up.

I do that myself.

Last night, I was wide awake at 12:30 (I guess Friday morning is accurate). I got up. Reread text messages between my girlfriend and I whilst sipping Valerian tea. I slept another 4-hours.

I feel fine.

I had two rounds of dreams as well.

I would like to go back to 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And I’ve had medical advice from a FNP. I’ll reproduce some of it here.

Magnesium can make me feel like I have a sleep hangover. I wake up and I’m groggy. Not that the FNP suggested this oral over the counter, but the same is true of taking melatonin. I feel groggy the next day. I have taken CBD and had mixed results with it (not medically advised), and sometimes it also can make me groggy.

I shouldn’t read in bed. I should read in the living room and then go to bed afterward.

Unfortunately, I grind my teeth. However, I have an incredibly expensive custom nightguard now, so I’m adjusted to that just now. Even that took time, because I guess I was trying to grind my teeth initially, because they would feel weird when I woke up and took out the nightguard. They feel fine now, and have for the entirety of this week.

I also sometimes fist my hands in sleep and wake up with hands so sore that it feels like I’ve been boxing. That hasn’t happened in a few months though.

What sleep advice do you have for a 50-year-old? How do you sleep? How has the quality of your sleep changed?

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Life and Death

At the beginning of May I got a text from my aunt who lived at my parents’ house April of 2020 through mid-December of 2021 which said that my Mom’s only brother’s wife (my Aunt by marriage) had Stage 4 Brain and Lung Cancer and wouldn’t be seeking treatment. In the text it said that I was only to go through her and not anyone else. That felt weird so I said that I would send a message to my other cousin through FB because I had communication with her there and she freaked out. I get it. She’s 70 and thinks that people can read private messages.

I called her and she was so upset that she spent most of our conversation yelling at me. That’s about her and isn’t about me. She’s about the same right now and really negative so I’m not talking to her or communicating with her much. I never had noticed how much unsolicited advice that she gives either until this time.

She called me Saturday afternoon and I was in a coffee shop.

I was at a coffee shop because my house is still tented, plastic is everywhere and the rooms are either barren or have odd things around such as ladders, equipment and I don’t have faces on many of my cabinets as repainting those is a whole 3-day process that the project manager has described as “tedious.” I was taking space from this disorder in a local coffee shop.

When my Aunt called I said, “Hi, I’m in a coffee shop and I’ll have to go outside,” and then when I walked outside and put my cell back to my ear she was still talking. She then said, “I’m not sure that I’m supposed to tell you but Aunt _______ passed away this afternoon,” and I said, “Thank you for letting me know, I’ll text ________.” She told me don’t call until tomorrow. I said, “Ok, thanks for letting me know.” She talked about my not calling or getting into contact with my cousins today some more and I just listened to her prattle and didn’t say anything because she’s been on edge and prone to yelling. I know it’s stress, but I can avoid being the recipient of her mismanagement of it.

I texted my cousin and she and I exchanged texts afternoon and evening on Saturday. My other cousin, who I recently had breakfast with when she was here for an appointment with her daughter, texted me too.

It’s going to be really rough, but I’ll drive approximately 5-hours  before the sun comes up on Thursday morning to attend my Aunt’s wake and funeral. I’m driving back around 1 pm or so because I don’t want to be away from my house or pets. Luckily, my neighbors are feeding (both meals) and tending to my pets a few times on Thursday.

I’m loyal to this Aunt. She has put flowers on my brother’s grave for years. This uncle, who is my Mom’s only brother and was married to my Aunt, drove my brother’s body to this area where my mother’s family was born and farmed. He got my brother’s body to the church and he’s buried near my Grandfather who I adored.

They’re good people and I’m proud to have them as my family.

When my mother died, my son, my then wife, the Aunt who took care of my parents’ house, my Uncle (mother’s brother) and my cousin and I conducted a short graveside service at my brother’s and grandfather’s grave for my parents. We spread ashes of my parents’ on those graves. Doves landed on the wires and sang songs. It was nice and simple.

I’m really glad to be there for this cousin on Thursday to be part of rituals for the loss of her mother. Sadly, her mother was my cousin’s self-described “person,” and from what I’ve gathered via text was her touchstone. This loss will be incredibly difficult for her. Like me, she has one brother, and I’ve not seen him in nearly 30-years. It will be nice to see him; although, that our connection is at his mother’s funeral is sad. His sister is a gem and wrote to my mother for years. There were times that my mother received her letters when she was in the facility too. Again, they’re wonderful family members.

Rituals for the dead are really for the living
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Cozy

We had our first game last night on summer bowling league. Sadly, I averaged 117, but I do think that I can bring things up to 130 or more for averages next week. I love hanging out with these three women. We connect and encourage each other and laugh so hard.

I can’t remember the last time that I slept this well. I have just switched doctors and can see her on October 2nd when my super expensive insurance kicks in. I have been waking up once in the middle of the night for probably 6-months and am having other new and lovely middle aged things like a weird fanny pack below my navel, aching hips for no reason, and have had two times after exercising felt like I’m going to faint. I assume it’s time for a cocktail of progesterone and estrogen.

I woke up just before six and felt so cozy. So, I stayed in bed, slept another hour and had another dream cycle. It apparently finally rained down here. It had been raining the in mountains and not getting down here. It’s cool and partly cloudy.

I bought a domain yesterday and started playing with pages a tiny bit. I’ll finish the text draft of the book today too. I feel so rested and loved this cozy morning.

What can fuel your productivity? How do you best create?

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Stories

The climber spent a couple of hours with me yesterday and we added a final scene with a crone type of character who had appeared in the book at a turning point in our story. She sketched five different scenes and I started numbering the existing storyboards. She’s going to show me more work on the 31st of July. She’s out of town climbing in Canada for a couple of weeks.

We had twenty existing pages, and I think that we’re up to 26 now. So, I’ll need to write out full narratives rather what is in the storyboards that simply illustrates plot advancements in a comic book style. It also includes my poor drawings. I should’ve taken a picture of her drawings for our book in her sketchbook. I’ll write over the next few days, which will be easy now because she called working together “inspiring,” and I reflected later and would term it “energizing” for me personally.

She looked beautiful. She had on a close fitting one piece sleeveless jumper with a plunging neckline. I had never seen her in anything low cut before or anything nearly as feminine. It was a little distracting to watch her draw at my dining area table especially when she was leaned against it.

We had an intimate dynamic yesterday. Just greeting and exiting long hugs; however, we talked about personal things when we made conversation.

I learned that she and her ex-husband were together for 16-years in total and that they read to each other every night.

I read an entry from my blog to her. I chose this one: https://balance17.com/2024/03/29/mom/

The climber paged through her book and showed me some beautiful things that she had drawn. She is such a good artist. Although she had outlined sketches yesterday, I’m excited to see full pages when we meet yet as I had a point of comparison now seeing her work in the small sketchbook. I asked her if she’s always drawn. She has. I have always written.

There hasn’t been a day in 16-years that I’ve not written something. I certainly have not blogged everyday, but I have written notes, letters, emails, journal entries and the like. It’s interesting now for me to have a full story to tell and complete. I have a muse-filled momentum right now.

Image by Kankanravee Kanyawath from Pixabay

I was thinking this morning when I got up to tend to the pets that we all tell ourselves stories. Stories about why our lives are going the way that they are, and stories about other people. I think that feedback about those stories that are internal is important. The feedback helps us evolve.

For our book, it’s different. I need to have it in full draft form and read it to some kids before I take the next step for publication. I’m glad that we she and I have a commitment to monthly work on it too, because it keeps a timeline. For me, it was the conversation about the plot of the book that was most important when working with her yesterday. Although writing is a solo task, I think that I write better when I have some collaboration and joint work. Also, being around her is always something that impacts me intellectually and in my body.

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Grow

I’ve known the climber for nearly 6 years. Our relationship started to change significantly in the fall of 2022 when she took me climbing. I think that it’s growing and I know my attachment to her is too. Seasonal change is upon us, and I know that I’m reflecting on her and whatever “us” is.

It’s getting on toward spring now and I’m so happy about it. I hope that we have a spring and it doesn’t just start getting beastly hot. I used to train practitioners in suicide protocols. Did you know that spring is the time that people die by suicide most frequently? I’m happiest in spring, so maybe that means that I always have something to look forward to annually. I don’t know.

Commute

End of a friendship: The nice guy gives excuses instead of commuting with me. One time he confirmed and when I got in my car to go to his house he called and said that he needed to go to the dispensary after work. Yesterday, it was that he needed to go to work early to set up. It’s ok. I think he’ll just fade out of my life after spring. I won’t see him unless he’s walking his dogs and I’m biking.

The climber (Batman) wanted to leave early and ride with me. However, my dogs take forever to walk now so when I got her text, it was late, and I texted that I’d try to get there at 7:20 and she said that she’d just come to me.

She had completed a super long inventory for one of our clients for me so I made her a toasted bagel sandwich (egg, cheddar, spinach) and washed some blueberries for her. She said that I didn’t have to do that because it was her job. I also had a cup of coffee for her too, and this time had vanilla protein milk which is a good substitute for creamer, I think.

We planned the end of our book on our drive to our building. She had a great idea regarding changing the art with the turning point of the protagonist. The main character is like me as a child and now I think that she’s adding elements of her to the character. It’s beautiful actually. I’m excited. We talked about our parents a little bit and she wasn’t tired and we were able to chat the entire time. The commute is pretty mundane after we get out of our neighborhood–it’s complete with a long stretch of city traffic and then two awful highways complete with poor rush hour drivers. Conversation between she and I certainly breaks up the monotony.

Riding Home

She talked a lot about work. She said because it was the last leg before summer term–a term that neither she or I work–it was a good use of time. I said, “I had you all to myself in the car and we mostly talked about work!” She laughed. She planned the final page of our book and said she’d sketch before she did her ice climb workout that she does every Monday.

When we got to my driveway she said, “Thank you for driving. I love your company. I’m so excited to sketch,” and she was lingering by her door. I put my lunchbox, backpack and jacket down. She walked around the front of my car and embraced me tight. We both took deep breaths. I kissed her cheek.

I said that I would be starting breath work, which is concentrating deeply on your breath and moving it in a guided fashion through your body with a guide. I had mentioned previously that all the talk therapy that I’ve done has run its course. I said that when she gave me feedback about not breathing, I knew that was some work that I should do. She said, “You weren’t breathing at all!” I said, “You make my heart race!” She said, “You really like to make me blush!” I said, “While that’s true, right now, I’m just being honest.”

I like this slow and somewhat deliberate expansion between Batman and I ❤ She is part of what I’m thinking about and hopeful for this spring.

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Gearing up

I’m going to work with the climber for a couple of hours the week after next on our book. I’m looking forward to her feedback and seeing her illustrations. I told her that I’m also amenable to story changes. I want to have a couple of pictures out too, because I’m a little married to the idea of a couple of scenes that are autobiographical, so I want to show her the context of them when I was growing up and a child. I’m interested in her childhood too. We should add some elements from hers.

She and I commuted without the guy from work on Monday. I was talking to her about my dog and then my Dad. I said, “It’s going to be much more difficult to lose my dog than it was my Dad. I think that you know that my Dad was abusive.” She was pretty quiet. I told her that I’d done 5-years of analysis and it fixed everything and I was able to show up for everything until he died of COVID. I didn’t really grieve him per se, and made peace with all the yelling, some limited hitting and aggression, and also intimidation. I did what was right. I didn’t give these specifics that I’m writing about here, but left it at “abusive” and making peace with my childhood. Finally, I said, “I don’t want you to feel like my therapist. I want to make sure that it’s ok that you know these things about me.” She said that I know her well too, and I said, “I don’t feel like I know you very well. I just want you to feel comfortable with me when I share.”

I took her home because she doesn’t have a car right now and sometimes borrows her partner’s car. We wished each other well and we have a time and day scheduled after work on the 15th for our book. I still get fluttery with her, but I don’t make any moves because I don’t know what is on or off the table with respect to her partner and don’t want to be disrespectful. I don’t know either if she has another partner currently. Regardless, she is smart and a brilliant artist and I’m so glad to get the book going!

I went to a book launch on Thursday and it was nice. I was incredibly tired though. I left right after it was over because I had already socialized with my friend (The author who I see when I go to the co-ed discussion group.) and met a new friend. The new friend lives near me, so when I go to this group again, I’ll text her to see if she’d like me to pick her up. I’m going to the Women’s Discussion group at the end of the month. My friend who leads it is out of town with her family currently, so I’m going to bring whey protein to drink because the other facilitator doesn’t do any food.

I have my car back. It looks like a cyclops. I have a man who restores headlights on luxury cars coming to my house today to work on the passenger headlight. I’ll have to move out all of my bikes. I’m bringing my Mountain Bike inside. It’s really rainy today. It feels like April. I’m so glad to be out of the monstrous rental car with front wheel drive. It was terrible and really noisy with actual bells and whistles. It barely fit in my garage!

I got the door of my hall closet repaired. I got the sheetrock in the entryway to my basement repaired too. Oddly, right before the potluck the mirror above my stairs fell. It didn’t break and was lodged onto the cat perch where they eat and drink. The paint behind it was bright white. Who paints a house and tapes over a mirror? So careless and lazy! The contractors textured the wall, painted primer over it, and hung the mirror with subtle metal clips. The next project is finding three nice door knobs, painting all the doors, and painting the stairwell where I had a new retractable gate installed. I’ll have the painter also paint behind the mirror in the same color and match the paint that is on most of the accent wall behind my hutch. I want to do projects in my house now that I am alone in it.