Tag Archives: Family

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Fantasy

It’s difficult when you’ve moved from DM to text for women to keep things reigned in. I don’t mind a little bit of sexy talk, but I am not able at all to reciprocate love. It’s interesting because the woman in Boston has already said, “I love you,” and that she loves me.

I can’t write that.

It’s not true.

Tesoro took months to write that. I am reasonably confident that some of it is that she wanted a funding stream and that’s part of love for her. It’s not for me. I paid for everything with my ex-GF and won’t do that again.

Vacationing is different. I’m fine paying for meals and a room. I simply don’t want to support someone financially ever again. That is blending finances adjacent. No thanks.

It’s the same for fantasy and escape from life.

I never told Tesoro that I loved her. I was absolutely attached to her, and it still doesn’t feel great that she didn’t fly home on the timeline that she’d promised and her trip got diffuse. I have lots of question marks there.

l can’t tell Boston that I love her either. She has a busy December and if we don’t make plans for mid-January when I have a day off from work, I’ll just have to let communication dwindle. She won’t like that because she loves me.

I don’t want to be some kind of online escape for anyone. I won’t do that IRL either.

I had to tell my ex-GF that what she wants–monthly hanging out–doesn’t work for me. I texted her “Just wanted you to know that I’m going to wait until February to hangout.”

In September, I’d written in the anniversary card about my intentions; although, I knew that she was breaking up with me. I wrote that with her ring that I had given her, I promise that February would have some fun elements and her birthday when she had no plans could be something that she could count on me for fun and celebration.

Her idea was monthly hangouts. I tried twice. I’ve had lots of time to think. October was fine for about half-an-hour. I didn’t like seeing her in November. It was nice to see her daughter. My ex-GF was being weird. She’s a 3 on Enneagram. I don’t think that I ever knew her well.

There is a woman from PA who has been texting me off and on. We’re going to Zoom next week. I’ll have to tell Boston. I’m out of town all weekend starting tomorrow afternoon because there is a ball that I’m attending. My app that just sits will probably get very active too, so I’m willing to make some IRL connections at the ball and through the app. I’m excited. I’ve not been anywhere in over 7-weeks.

Online dating mostly sucks. When you can move to in person, you get lots of information. Of the in person dates that I have been on there isn’t anyone who I could imagine getting naked with; although, I’ve been online dating since May. Again, I don’t want to mistake flirtation and fun for genuine connection.

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Eviction Proceedings

If you’ve read me this year or in year’s past, you know that I have one spawn.

He’ll be 20 in January.

So, he’s an adolescent.

As they go, he’s pretty average.

Therein lies the issues. I don’t want to clean up after him anymore or watch him trash out his space and even his car.

Until yesterday, I drove a 2006. He has a 2019 that is paid off (I paid it off) and I insure it and he trashes it out. It is often like a trash can.

On Wednesday last week he told me that he was going out of town.

When he got up on Thursday to shower and came upstairs I asked where he was going and he said, “To my grandparents. You know this! I told you!”

I told him that had to stop because he tells his GF and friends things and then tends to assume that he told me.

We had a deal this month. He was to pick up his room and take things to Goodwill and sell other things that he isn’t using. He had time to himself when I was in Boston to do so.

His room is disgusting.

I am missing dinner forks and rectangular small glass containers. They could be in his room or at his job, and I don’t think that I’m ever getting them back.

My blood boiled when I saw things piled in the furnace room again a few feet from the hot water heater. I’m just done living with someone who is entitled and disrespectful.

I sent him pictures yesterday and said that he needs to get out in January.

On February 1st, I’ll be changing all of my locks and also the key code to the hide-a-key.

Via text he said that there is no way that he can save up 10k in two months. The main reason for that is because he pounds fast food constantly. He’s pretty obese atm. And he was fit through most of high school. I do understand that the pandemic reeked havoc on all of us, but he doesn’t meet anyone halfway:

  1. Follow a schedule
  2. Make some meals
  3. Walk a bit
  4. Have conversations with me
  5. Keep his two spaces clean

I realized that because he only went to massage school that he still has about ten-thousand dollars in his ESA that I made and contributed to. I told him that I didn’t know how much tax he’d owe, but that he can meet with the advisor and get it out. It’s his. That’s all that I’m willing to do going forward. I still insure him for health, dental and his car. I’d buy food for him if he schedules and shops WITH me.

I’m looking for conversation here. I feel badly about it. I do know that he has to leave though and may wind up couch surfing…

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Friend

I went to my ex-GF’s apartment last night and she was super animated. We talked easily for half-an-hour. There are reasons that I spent a year with her!

Then she asked me how Tesoro was and I said, “I’m not going to talk about dating with you.”

She asked me why.

I told her that I do all of the time with my BFF from work and that I have my therapist too.

“I don’t talk about specifics of dating with my friends.”

I gave her the example of sending some screenshots to a bowling teammate and being a little embarrassed about them too. I don’t like talking about how my dating is going with details except here because it’s anonymous. I got support from who I needed to this summer and am still doing so this fall.

I had to tell my teammate not to tell our other two teammates about the screenshots that I sent because I didn’t want them to know about unhappy things which have transpired.

My ex-GF started talking generally about Tesoro.

Then she told me some things and when I heard them, those things made me feel ashamed.

I had been alluding wanting passionate sex with someone and was talking about it with Tesoro.

I had to rack my brain and finally did remember last night.

Tesoro put out a flirty feeler about staying in a hotel room all day.

My ex-GF conflated that with my seeing Tesoro two weeks ago–a trip that didn’t happen.

Two weeks ago instead of pouting about Tesoro, I took myself to Boston.

Regardless, when my ex-GF and I were still dating, I let all my pent up sexual frustration become somewhat mean in my behavior.

I didn’t figure that out last night.

Instead when she was still asking me some questions with regards to women and dating and such and told me what she’d remembered me saying (which was really mean) I said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to go.”

I packed up. She followed me into the foyer and the staircase. I said, “I’m sorry,” again. I meant it both times that I said it.

She said, “Is that all?” I’d prepared a list of topics.

I had heard about her brother’s visit, her trip to Chicago, her daughter’s new milestones and the lack of outcomes with her new employment. (This economy is so bad. I’m so lucky that all three of my jobs are stable.) I told her yes, and she laughed a little uncomfortably and I was already almost down the second set of interior stairs. She said “goodbye” when I was opening the door to the outside and I said, “See you.” She texted me a couple of times when I was driving back to my house. I texted back in a cursory sort of way last night.

I was embarrassed and felt guilty too.

I think that in relationship, you wind up hurting each other.

I’m glad that I apologized. I’m glad that we have space and that our next plans are in a group.

Our Thanksgiving plans have some obstacles, so instead, I have invited her and her daughter to a fall neighborhood event. My son said last night that he will join too, which is going to be wonderful. I really appreciated his doing that.

I’ll go over there some evening for an hour or so during my December vacation.

I think that by December, she’ll know that it’s not helpful for our friendship to talk about my dating for those three-months until she broke up with me. I still find it fascinating that she met me in a Polyamorous Women’s Discussion Group, and my dating was something that she couldn’t tolerate.

I also don’t want to talk about my current dating with her. I reserve that topic for few people. I blog about it. I talk with it in therapy. And I have known my best friend from work for 23-years, so we have a solid friendship. We also have never had a sexual or romantic relationship. She really helps me when I’m talking about dating. Our ex-husbands have spent time together too, so she knows me deeply.

So, next month I’ll see my ex-GF an hour with our kids, and by December so much time will have passed.

I don’t think that time heals all wounds, but I think that it helps some of the sharpness. I don’t think that she’ll want to revisit our relationship anymore. It won’t matter. It’s also not helpful. We have started a foundation for our friendship.

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Important

I wasn’t going to blog for a couple of weeks.

And I wouldn’t if my topic wasn’t important.

I worked in numerous capacities in the same place for seven-and-a-half years. It was 2008 through May of 2015. In one of my roles I was an adult coach who taught basic crisis skills for adult-serving youth, crisis prevention and intervention, suicide intervention skills, trauma-informed practices, soft skill development for youth, and de-escalation skills when youth are violent. I didn’t like the job.

I did meet and fall in love with my mentor.

She was a fairy or other ethereal being.

She died August 13th.

She was three-years older than me chronologically.

She was a leadership director, an artist, a photographer, a prolific letter writer (NOT EMAIL) and a wine reviewer. She had once sent me a wine review because she said that the bottle and wine itself was me. She could tolerate my intensity and wasn’t troubled by my brand of weird.

My current Boss is in the position that she held 2009 – 2014 and then I met her when she was a Director the following year when she moved on from where she worked.

He told me about her death yesterday in the hallway because he said that he was shocked that he didn’t hear back from her via text this fall. (I had felt the same way.) I didn’t know that she had gotten cancer in 2024.

When I am stressed out, I always did and always will continue to think of her calm and love. There wasn’t a single thing that she touched that wasn’t affected by her kindness and energy. She was also funny and not everyone knew that.

One morning in 2016 we were walking down the hall in passing and she made eye contact with me and said, “Good morning. How are you doing?”

I said, “Just plugging through these days using my usual heft.”

She heard, “Plugging through with crystal meth.”

She turned on a dime and said, “Whatever gets you through.”

I learned later what she thought that I had said.

I know that people are given to saying how beautiful people are when they pass away, and people especially tend to do so when folks die due to illness or are taken violently and such, but she had a level of grace about her that was unparalleled. She was honest, beautiful, had impeccable style, and would meet me for bagels at 6:00 am just so we had an hour and 45-minutes to catch up. And she did that for everybody.

An introvert and gentle soul who touched anyone from Customer Service Agents or people who were lucky enough to receive training from her, her impact was felt across this world. And she was tough, honest and real.

I’ll leave you with a lesson that she learned in 2009 or 2010. She had an employee who wore really tight clothes and low cut shirts and worked with 11-15 year-old young men. She sent out an email to her staff regarding business and professional attire on Friday.

On Monday, her employee’s breasts were hanging out and many other women were in heels and men in ironed button-downs and even ties.

Feedback must be direct and never global. As difficult as it seems, it needs to be in a 1-1 conversation.

I’ll miss you forever, K, and I’m so lucky that I had as many hours with you as I did. Thank you for mentoring me.

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Delays

I have to put Tesoro in a new zone mentally. I am unsure if she has any intention of ever leaving Turkey.

I talked with her on the phone on the 15th and after we’d talked a bit I sighed and was whiny finally saying, “When are you coming home?”

She said, “In a few days.”

We DM’ed more towards the end of this week and I wrote, “When are you flying back?”

She wrote, “Soon, Baby.”

This week we didn’t video and I missed her voice call yesterday. She told me that production is done on equipment and she can’t get money transferred to Turkey.

I told her that if I was in her shoes I would get one of those 18-months interest free credit cards.

I’m a public servant mostly; although, I do some assessments which do pay into the social security system, and I really don’t know shit about energy, powerplants, oil / gas, private contracts, etc.

I know that I don’t have interest in:

  1. Blending finances
  2. Living rather than travelling with a romantic partner
  3. Giving my heart to someone who I’ve never touched

Soooooo… I’m not investing time in DMs to her unless she comes home and schedules IRL with me. I wrote to her that when / if she comes home, I want to have a date with her and begin seeing what we have.

I’m basically at my core a Physical Touch and Quality Time person.

I know, because it happened to me with my ex-wife, that it is possible to fall in love with a picture of someone.

I’m not in love with anyone atm.

For me, love that is full involves mind, body, and soul.

The touch and skin-to-skin contact is so important to me. I believe that we are hardwired for love and attachment.

Although, I’m a creature of words, I am still quite in love with sharing physical space.

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Cordial

Being all too familiar with avoidant attachment and also the dance of make-up and breakup, I’ve been friendly and careful with my ex-GF.

She recently said basically that I’m a liar via text.

She does this birthday party concept thing–well, her kid is 3, so she’s done it three times–wherein mostly adults paint a piece of art with acrylics in which there is a printed model that you can use and she has sketched the outline of the figure on canvases.

I’d only worked with watercolors, but did ok for a first time with acrylics for “La Petit Fleurs” this past spring.

I don’t know what the first year was. For her daughter’s second birthday all the pieces were “Plant of Life” by Georgia O’Keefe.

Originally, I thought that she’d painted it for me. She hadn’t. It was one of the ones that she had done during her daughter’s second birthday party. She didn’t bother to write anything on the back about me either. It wasn’t really a birthday present to me, but she wrapped it in Christmas paper and gave it to me for my birthday last year when we had a date a month after my birthday.

At the beginning of the month, after I had called her and she flipped her shit on the phone, and then I went over to her place the following night, she basically asked for it back.

She said that she’d take the O’Keefe back.

Me: “My birthday present?”

And then we had a conversation about it and I guess that she was just glad that I wasn’t throwing it away.

In the meantime for my birthday I had my basement steam cleaned and the entirety of my house cleaned professionally. There are some things that I want to go back over in every room but there is literally no hair anywhere. It’s never been like this since my ex-wife filled up my house with animals. I am going to run a 5k on Saturday and then come home and work in my house. I still need to throw things away and go back over the hood of my stove for example.

I was going through everything weekend before last and had a new present that my buddy from the Co-Ed Poly group had done for me–and wrote on the back for my birthday–and the color scheme fits my house so I put it on the wine cabinet where the O’Keefe had been. It looked like it belonged there. He’s done a commission of my son’s cat and also gave me a tile that I had my former sister-in-law’s partner lay into a table with sample tiles that a company gave me.

I wanted to get her back the “birthday present” so it would complete the wall in her group practice room. That’s where the paintings from her daughter’s 2nd and 3rd birthday party are hung. Recall that it wasn’t painted for me anyway. Also, that she said she’d take it back. She called me dishonest in text when I told her that I’d be returning it on Thursday.

I left her an audio saying that I think that we can build a good path to a friendship and not if we’re doing stuff via text. I told her it was weird.

I’m a lot of things. I’m not a liar.

In fact, my default setting is so direct that folks wish I’d do white lies.

There was a bunch of stuff that my son needed from her yesterday and I was meeting with a planner regarding my long term care stuff after work, so I had to dip yesterday. It was a good thing because my son and his GF spent 2-hours with her and needed that time. I’d have been a third wheel.

When I went into the foyer of her practice and got my Blu-Ray player and all my DVDs and such there was a bag with one Hail Mary in it. She’d held onto that thing for 4-months. And they have to be refrigerated so I just composted it.

What a passive aggressive and bizarre thing to do.

I’ve made my decision.

I’m not seeing her at all this fall and winter.

It was a good thing that my son and his GF needed her yesterday, they moved the time, and I simply dropped off her daughter’s sand toys, the painting, and a joke chap stick from some of our exchanges this month.

I grabbed my Blu-Ray player and the videos. That Hail Mary made me laugh and then feel like shit.

I had given her a ring for her birthday this summer. She had been putting pressure on me that now I understand resulted in a change to her having infrequent sexual types of contact with me. That ring means that I will always make February, which is a hideous grief stricken month for her, and her birthday special as long as she lives here. I’m a great friend.

I don’t want to see her otherwise until some time has passed.

I’m not a fan of her behavior currently and don’t want to be around her energy.

I want to keep things simple, minimal and work on myself as I brave the world of dating true to me.

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Soft breakup

I went to my GF’s house last night. She landed on that this was a “soft breakup.” First she tried to say that we were breaking up.

Me: “When you processed everything this morning and throughout the course of the day you’ve landed on that your daughter needs your nervous system regulated. You’re not regulated right now because of my shitty energy and you can’t have that seeping onto you as it affects your daughter. Let’s be clear. You’re breaking up with me. I want to still date you. I’m starting to date Tesoro.”

That wasn’t the beginning though.

I walked in with a can of La Croix and asked if I could sit down and asked if she had stickers on her shirt.

She nodded.

Her daughter has been sick and decorated her.

Then we were silent and it was awful.

We’re both shrinks.

We can be silent for days.

Eventually I said, “I’ve apologized for everything that I can apologize for. You sent the TikTok to be supportive. You say my work is ‘fun’ and ‘exciting’ when I’m stuck there for 12-14 hours for no logical reason because I have a good job that pays all of my bills. You can say that I’ve been an afterthought and never taken for granted. I am not a great communicator. I am working on it. I don’t know how to bring up shifting feelings with you. It’s scary. I’ve always been the monogamous one in my poly relationships until now.”

“Do you believe that?”

Me: “Yes. And I think that words are so emotive at times particularly when they’re not delivered in person. With the afterthought versus being taken for granted mismatch of usage, it’s potayto potaughto. I have to be fit in because you don’t have time and I get short texts that I’d rather not get at all because you have little time and a lot of people rely on your for emotional support while you’re solo parenting. You told me how gladly you’ll take your limited free time back.”

“That isn’t exactly what I meant. That wasn’t my intention. Also, I need to apologize to you. Except with a supervisor after my Dad died, I have never directed profanity at anyone. I cussed at you and was yelling at you.”

Me: “You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“I feel like I do.”

Me: “I accept your apology and wasn’t offended by it and thought that your yelling and cussing made a lot of sense.”

“I feel ashamed that happened around my daughter. I am supposed to model being in control and resolving things.”

Me: “We are people and parents. You have shown her that sometimes losing one’s temper happens, and that we can do better. People talk through things after they’re angry. You modeled that her tantrums are also ‘normal.’ That helps kids ultimately to show them how human we really are.”

She was angry that I didn’t text goodnight or good morning. I said that I was upset and worried that she was going to breakup with me. Later I said that she could’ve texted either thing too. I didn’t want my messages to her to go on unread as it makes me feel like shit. I told her that I was worried that she would thumbs up my texts or not respond for hours. I don’t want to feel anxious.

I did, midway through, go down to my car to get her birthday present for my birthday to her (That’s a tradition that she does.), the game, the journal that I’ve been writing in daily for her and her daughter, my set of her keys, and the book that we were to use for weekly questions for each other every week during 2026. The only thing that was passive aggressive that she said is, “Play this game with Tesoro. I bought it for you.” It was shrink wrapped. I declined.

I stayed for two hours.

I told her that if her daughter doesn’t ask for me in a month that I will get her the splashpad and bike with the handle riding bar that is now affixed to the back. She wanted me to take those to her ex-husband. I’m a person and told her “No way.”

It was obvious as we talked that her daughter won’t ask for me. She loves me 1-1 and doesn’t like me dating her Mom because it divides her mother’s attention and makes her jealous so she asks me to leave. Having that acknowledged was a breath of fresh air and helped me sleep like a baby last night.

I have to talk to my son.

We’re supposed to go over there together when her daughter is sleeping to play a game (us three) together on the 25th. I want to do that. And then, just like with my ex-husband and ex-wife, I want to happily support the relationship that he wants to have with her going forward. Kids don’t break up with their parent’s significants. I think that we’ll meet her youngest brother when we play that game together, so it will be four adults. Her brother bought a plane ticket for his birthday which was Thursday. I didn’t know that he was a Virgo. She said that he’s her favorite person in the world. I told her that she simply likes mutable signs and their changeability. Her ex-husband and my former metamour is a Pisces and her best friend is a Gemini. We’ll see what my son’s preference is for the 25th.

Then she’s gone to Chicago. Then I’m gone for a long weekend three-days after she gets back with Tesoro.

She asked if our friendship can be monthly hangouts. I’m amendable. She’s so fun to talk to and has kind, sweet energy in person. We’ll see each other on October 20th. That leg of our conversation made her cry and again. She belabored the fact that I don’t know Tesoro and am dreaming about things that are not based off of reality.

Me: “What does that matter? I’m putting myself out there with dating as I have since May. We matched at the end of June, and I’ll finally meet her briefly on the 14th. It’s the ultimate ripping off of the Band-Aid. She calls my intensity real and raw. If she can tolerate it IRL, we’ll begin our journey together. And, I still hold that I wanted to stay in relationship with you and date you both.”

She calls this period a “soft breakup.” She wants me to basically get my energy together so we can resume what we had. Her ball, her court.

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Gallows

For someone who has never fought with a romantic partner, last night was off the chain.

Not that it’s new to me.

Women and even my ex-husband a couple of times when he’d been drinking cuss at me and flip out.

It’s because I showed some other people that TikTok to see if it was mean. The consensus was that it was passive aggressive. She swears it was because she and I beat the odds.

I asked her how’s that?

I asked about the ultimatum. I said it was a veto.

I told her that she wants to offshore me for sex, which is dangerous and will result in STIs for me as women who are sleeping with tons of women are not exactly practicing safer sex. I told her that it was empty. She told me that I’m incongruent. I said that I could’ve had sex on Wednesday and I don’t want to. I’m wanting two GFs and she’s hierarchical.

I told her that she has stuck her own “For Rent” Sign on my heart and no one can be there. It’s rented. I said that didn’t honor that my heart moves on it’s own as does another woman’s heart.

We didn’t land on anything.

She would only own that my thinking that I am an afterthought could be true.

She said that she will gladly take her spare free time back.

I guess that my feeling taken for granted is my “story line.”

I guess that my feeling hurt by that TikTok is projection.

The other stuff that we talked about was related to her “encouraging” me regarding that my 12-14 hour work days that include an activity sometimes in which I can’t see clients, because my clients don’t have transportation, but I still have to log those hours doing nothing being “fun.” After she explained her perspective on my having good jobs, I understood that. I told her that I don’t need any advice about work and going forward we could talk about it and I don’t want to text about it.

In fact, I don’t like texting with her much anyway. I haven’t in a really long time. She is sooooooo great in person and presents kind and sweet. That phone fight last night was awful and it did lay groundwork for today. I’m leaving for her apartment in just under an hour. It doesn’t feel great and is scary. I’m not a wimp though.

We’d be together a year on Monday, so I wrote out the anniversary card that I’d bought. I wrote in the last sentences that like I promised with her ring, every February can be made special and surprising as well as her birthday as long as she lives here. I can keep that promise.

I put my birthday gift to her (Her tradition is giving loved ones presents on one’s own birthday.), a dice game that she bought which is unopened, the journal that I’ve written in for her and her daughter daily since 1/1/25 (9/5/25 is the last entry), and her 52 questions that we’d planned to use in 2026 in a brown bag. I’ll leave it in the car until she’s done talking to me. Then I’m 95% that I’ll run down to the car, hand it to her and give her her keys back.

Tonight is about listening with compassion. We hashed everything out. It’s about my marching orders how she wants us to be moving forward.

I’d still like to see her for many days for the month of February. I’d still like to celebrate her birthday in July. I’d still like to teach her daughter to ride a bike. And none of these outcomes are up to me.

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Tesoro

I have a new love interest. We had been DM’ing on the app since mid-July, I think. I don’t know in reality because she deleted the app.

I have this weird, shallow thing. I don’t look at women with brown eyes.

I’ve been that way my whole life too. My very first GF (hs) had brown eyes. The little liar did too. Otherwise, my GFs have had green or blue eyes.

I had her on possible matches and when I swiped her, it said “It’s a match!”

Then she started DM’ing me a week later. We may have matched at the end of June, now that I’m thinking about it.

Anyway, her DM game was good. Very good. Her sweetness shone through and she paraphrases and summarizes my answers to her questions. It’s like she writes as an extension of her listening skills.

We moved off the app at the end of July and began talking the first days of August. We use Microsoft Teams which is a wonderful app because it can thread conversations for specific replies. We also have tried video chatting on it and typically use it to call. The latter is a great, because she’s currently in Istanbul working for two weeks. I couldn’t believe that she called me at 2:30 in the morning her time her very first night! (We talked almost an hour.)

She is beautiful. Tall, fit, long limbed, and has high, lean muscles on her calves and shoulders. Her long hair is always neatly styled, looks soft, and she wears subtle makeup and is always dressed sporty, but sexy in photos that she sends to me. She has full lips, white perfect teeth and a killer smile.

I wasn’t sure that she was real, so I didn’t even talk to my GF about her until after I’d mentioned her to my GF’s best friend who said, “She looks like a model!” It turned out that she is real, and now things are progressing.

I’ve asked her to change her flight back to our state to Sunday the 14th. I hope that she can. I have that whole day free and could do anything to help her with her jet lag and take her all over too. I really want to meet her and see how our vibe is IRL.

She has an accent. I assumed that she was Latina. Well, I was wrong! She’s Mediterranean. In fact, the detail is interesting:

It’s interesting for three reasons personally. My lineage on the paternal side is highlighted. Where she was born is marked (above).

Parts of my roots are close to where she was born. Secondly, I’ve been OBSESSED with Vesuvius since 5th grade. And I mean obsessed! I studied it, read about it, watched documentaries, and looked at artifacts, etc. That volcano is under 6-miles away from where she was born. The final thing is something that my GF taught me. Apparently when women are fertile they are biologically attracted to men who don’t look like them. That goes away after one is no longer fertile. I think that I have shifted to being attracted to women in my middle age who could be closely related to me. All of these details give me pause. It’s like a pattern. Brains love patterns.

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TikTok

I woke up on Tuesday morning having slept really well to a TikTok by James Sexton regarding lesbian divorces characterized by knock down drag out fighting and prior Domestic Violence experiences. My initial reaction was “WTF?”

Then I realized that my GF had sent it for a reason, so I obtained a white paper and found out that due to intersectionality–being female and having less financial power and sometimes more impact on ability to achieve stability alongside being a sexual minority causes pain. Pain has to go somewhere. Researchers assumed that this intersectionality puts pressure in the female couple dyad.

It made me feel awful.

My divorce wasn’t amiable. She always told me that we had no foundation, and that was true.

I loved her for years and my love wasn’t enough. We got married when my son was in 3rd grade.

My Mom shattered her shoulder weeks after we had wed and my parents were both already declining. My son went off the deep end in 6th grade after his father had a breakdown and moved states at the end of 5th grade. Everyone was crumbling around me and I had no way to be enough or help significantly anyone who needed me. Nothing could become proactive or stable. Decline was all around us.

My ex-wife and I both have tendencies toward being reactive. It was a recipe for contention, but not physical violence. I’m glad that our marriage is over. I had filed once in 2019 and she had me reverse the filing. She filed in 2022 and became biromantic with men and is now married to a man and is living out of the country.

My GF and I went back and forth DMing in TikTok because she has it was “interesting” and “seemed to support” why my divorce was difficult from my ex-wife and not really from my ex-husband.

The whole thing was grossly oversimplified.

And I found it hurtful.

Last night we talked about it and she told me that she found it hurtful that I didn’t see how interesting it was and applied to my divorce. She said that we sometimes arrive at an impasse.

My GF is one of those women who is kind, caring and tends toward helping everyone out. I think that sometimes because she assumes positive intent, she doesn’t know how some of her assertions land.

I felt judged. I was hurt. I told her last night on our date that I want to feel safe, seen and secure. She said that she wanted that too. She was upset with me for not seeing why she sent me that particular TikTok.

I got up really early today. I didn’t sleep well because my new love interest who I was supposed to meet tomorrow had to fly abroad for work and will be gone two weeks. I misunderstood when her flight would get in and thought that it would be this morning in my time zone, but it will be late afternoon today. I shouldn’t have slept with my cell phone near me!

Because my GF and I had a date last night and were still talking about this difference of opinion, I went ahead and thought about the situation again. I still find it odd that she sent it to me and thought it would be helpful to me. Having conflict about TikTok is really weird.

I DM’ed:

“So, I watched it again and even through afterglow [dosage of psilocybin on Thursday night] it seems to say that lesbians have knock down drag out endings and high DV rates. Sorry, I don’t understand why you sent it to me. I’m just trying to be a good person and GF. I am also willing to slow down, monitor reactions that I have, and ask more questions for information. Making assumptions or jumping to conclusions [something that I have to continuously work on] doesn’t seem to result in abusive fights or domestic violence in my experience.”

So, she’s upset. And I’m less upset, but don’t see why that was the one that she chose to send to me.

Except for some animal videos, I don’t particularly like TikTok. If I can get my book designed, I will probably use it for my content, and it doesn’t seem to matter now because she hasn’t sent me anything on it since Tuesday at 1:06 am.

How can I reframe this problem? I don’t see my individual therapist for 12-days and would love feedback. It helps me to write and it also helps for people who read my entry to comment.

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PRP

My GF has these super long range baby monitors. Last Monday she connected with the accountant on the main floor of her building–she has the only apartment in the building–and gave him the baby monitor, so if there was an emergency, he could get her daughter out of their apartment. We went to the orthopedic surgeon in my car early Monday morning.

I didn’t ask her to come with me. I was grateful that she did.

When we got to the orthopedic surgeon’s practice, we were in the Physical Therapy Clinic instead. We had to go to another building altogether.

It’s so good when you’re anticipating something to have someone there with you.

She and I found the building.

We talked a whole bunch and I was glad because my appointment didn’t begin until 8:35 and I was told to get there at 8:15 and we had arrived at 8.

We went back to an exam room and the nurse took a fat vial of blood out of my arm. My GF loved the color.

She said that she’d centrifuge my blood for 8-minutes.

The orthopedic surgeon came in after 5-minutes and I introduced him to ________. He went over my MRI mostly with her. I thought that was cool. She has nothing to do with my DNR and isn’t my emergency contact (ex. baby monitor in the first paragraph), but I liked the way it wasn’t a thing for him.

I just introduced her by saying, “This is ________.” That’s always what I say. I don’t think saying, “This is my girlfriend,” make sense. She is a person with her name. Regardless, I liked him just going with it and he didn’t know if she was my sister, spouse, intimate partner or friend.

The orthopedic surgeon measured my crummy range of motion (It’s been bad since I was 13.). Then he explained the process to both of us. The nurse came back in with a new vial and it looked like urine now.

He started talking to me about mountains. I told him why my favorite one was my favorite one. He said that he was going to numb the area and that was the worse part. It wasn’t though.

Then he said he was going to inject my knee. That felt so weird. It was really gross. The process lasted probably a minute or two for the injection part. I didn’t watch, but ________ did.

He asked me to extend and flex my knee a few times and we were done. We could go back to the apartment and pick up the baby monitor from the Accountant. She had a client so I had to leave quickly. I felt numb emotionally. I was glad that she was there to support.

That night we went to a community showing of a movie with her daughter and best friend. Her best friend said that my GF told her that I didn’t even flinch.

I still have quite a lot of pain. I don’t know if I can hike downhill. I did makeup cardio on Friday night.

I was so sore afterward and yesterday too. I’m not sure how much it’s worked to cushion the fact that I don’t have cartilage behind my left knee cap anymore after April 3rd. I’ll have to see.

Google Protein Rich Plasma (PRP) if you’ve never heard of it.

The experience has been emotionally triggering as it’s a reminder of my initial injury in 1988, and the fact that my knee is living on borrowed time. I don’t know how long it will be before I have to have partial knee replacement. In the meantime, I just want to see if I can hike downhill.

I weigh 142.6. It’s funny because women always guess me at 130 and then when I tell them what I weigh they always say the same thing. “Muscle weighs more than fat.”

I think that I want my first hike to be with a new love interest that I have. She and I have been exchanging lots of messages on Teams and talked briefly on the phone recently. Our next step is a video call on Teams. She’s 3-inches taller than me, so if I can’t get down when we hike, I can lean on her.

I have never been able to bend my left knee very much since I was 13

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Date

My current GF has a three-year-old. That means that this child is really her whole world. I hope that because she puts every ounce of herself into her child that will yield a securely attached person who can fit into the world.

That’s also meant that I make plans for all of our dates.

I’d like that to shift completely.

We went to an interesting talk on July 9th and out to dinner. I had fun. My GF paid for the babysitter and our dinners. The talk that we went to was related to her industry and she’d heard about it via someone she works with and a person she met at a work conference. I thanked her for the date plans and she laughed and said it wasn’t really a plan.

At the end of last year (12/31/24) she partially planned a date, and it included her best friend. She bought NYE concert tickets. I paid for parking, transportation, the babysitter and wound up tacking on dinner that night which I paid for as well. Her best friend showed up at the end of our dinner so we could transport together to the venue.

I think that last Saturday was the first full date that she planned and paid for over the course of our ten-month relationship.

She picked me up, we drove to another city, we took a stained glass class, we walked around an art fair and then had dinner together. She paid for the babysitter too.

We had a pretty tough conversation over dinner too. I feel like there were seeds planted that will continue to sprout going forward. However, the whole night yielded a net positive and we will likely have some more balanced experiences going forward. I really liked the date. I thanked her for it several times and it made me feel special.

Tonight we’re going to a theatrical rerelease of a film that I wasn’t able to see in the theater. It came out when I completed my undergraduate degree and was beginning my first round of graduate school. I’m not sure what time the babysitter will get to her, so I don’t know if we can get food before. My GF doesn’t do any carbohydrates for the most part and no sugar, so movie food isn’t an option. Worse case scenario is that we grab local burgers on the way home.

I’m a great date. I’m a great planner of dates too. I don’t take any time that I have with a beautiful woman for granted. I don’t believe in falling back on default responses or not engaging in meaningful experiences.

I hope that she knows that I want her to plan some dates for us.

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Neighbors

I was walking home after a concert with the author last night and she asked me how my girlfriend and I are doing. I told her that we are doing well for the most part and that sometimes she gets emotional, which is unique for her, as she’s not particularly emotionally triggered by anything. She is a crier, and often has tears in her eyes, but is never angry and rarely irritated. We haven’t had a major disruption in the force because I’ve only kissed one woman who’s not even practical to date. However, things are brewing generally and we’ll see how it shifts.

The author and I were talking about this super young girl who was texting me pictures yesterday. I’ve been matched with her on the app since I got on the app. I’ve never met her.

She started that up about an hour before the author was to be at my house and I texted, “You’re a tease. If you want to go on a date at some point, let’s schedule.” I also told her later in the evening that I would block her if she doesn’t show on Friday.

Anyway, who knows what will happen with her on Friday? I mean it when I say that I’ll block her number. I’ll look at two pictures of her for awhile and then block her if she doesn’t show up. Purportedly, we’re having a negotiation conversation. That’s not anything that I’ve done before and the idea is appealing.

I was talking about this woman and a date that I had on Saturday and various other things when I heard, “Is that _____ ?” Oof. A neighbor. Listening to me talk about this young girl and my dating.

I also thought it was a different neighbor and introduced her to the author with the wrong name. After a bit, I realized that was the only thing that I was embarrassed about. I texted back and forth with her and she remarked about how funny the author is, and I sent her the author’s website. She basically said, “Good for you,” and wished me well. I only apologized for using the wrong name.

I guess that I don’t care who knows that I’m Solo Poly.

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Car

I had a really scary Chevette in 1991. My Dad was generally an intense and angry person and he didn’t want to work per se, but did. When he bought a newer car (new to him, as it was used) he gave me his Chevette, which he used previously for commuting to work and errands. There were holes in the floorboards which would shoot geysers up when torrential rain would gather on the streets. He hated driving and literally pushed holes into the bottom of his car.

Some asides about my Dad: I think that his preference would have been to live abroad (He did for many years, and his mother did some power play stuff to get him back to the states.) in a commune working collaboratively. He was also a Marxist and well-read and he believed in a specific philosophy of Marxism. He didn’t want to be married and certainly didn’t want to be a father. He did, however, give me his Chevette when I was 17 and my Mom wasn’t driving me to school any longer. I don’t have a car to give my son and because my brother is now gone, I can’t get help with navigating this experience with my son.

I have only used a Car Broker for cars that I’ve bought. There just doesn’t seem to be a quick turnaround with Brokers these days.

I’ve put a ton of parts into mine in the last three months. I’m going to drive it two more years and then I’m going to research and get something new. I don’t know that I am going electric. I had thought that they were more ecological because the batteries don’t need to be replaced, which isn’t true. I’ll spend some of the summer of 2027 researching cars before I get mine. I have only had 6 different cars across 50-years. I never drove my ex-husband’s cars and only drove the four that my ex-wife leased a handful of times across the nine-years that we were together. I don’t think that I’ll drive my son’s car either.

We test drove two cars yesterday and now I have to go back to the lot by 2:00 or so. I’ve researched exactly what the car is worth. The nice thing about it is that the one that he prefers hasn’t been in any accidents. However, it did spend a few years in Minnesota, so I’m going to have my son take it to a mechanic who owns a muffler and radiator shop to look under it. If there is rust, we won’t keep it. We have 90-days to return it.

Now it’s time to pay closer to what the value for the car is actually, which is super unpleasant.

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Drawing Board

I thought that we had a nice date. I hope that she’s not having buyer’s remorse. I’ve barely heard from her. If she cancels next Thursday, I guess that I can ask her before the music night that my best friend is hosting, or even when she confirms or cancels Thursday, if she wants to still hang out. She’s entangled with a guy who sounds like he has Avoidant Attachment. I tried very hard to get her to consider having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Her thing is that he is not even committed to her and it’s mostly FWB, so it’s difficult for her to see that scenario.

I was banned from Tinder. Hahahahahaha. They don’t give any information with regards to who reported you or why you can’t log in. I asked for a refund because you can’t file an appeal if your account has been shut off rendering you unable to login at all.

I tried another help ticket and got similar information. They don’t tell you anything. You just can’t login, which also means that you can’t make an appeal.

So, I made a HER account the following day and it just blows up. I can’t even keep up with it. I have a phone date to see if a walk is a good idea on Tuesday.

I finally get to hang out with my current GF 1-1 on Saturday. Thank you.

She had asked me in April to host a BBQ for her best friend, which I’m doing. I can stand and will ice and elevate between grilling. My knee still sucks bad. LA is making salads for it. I still need to run to Costco to get burgers and run by the bread store to get buns. I’m going to spend all day cleaning on Sunday.

My son and his new bromance helped me weed for an hour on Wednesday. It’s so nice to have help!

Unless something huge happens, I’m not going to write anything until mid-June. I don’t think that I’ve ever needed my Solo Vacation this badly.

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Ouch

In addition to the severe osteoarthritis that I have, I also have chondromalacia, and have written about the damage that I did to the cartilage behind my knee. I also have bone marrow edema in my femur. I’m in a ton of pain and need to connect with my neighbor–she offered–who is a Physical Therapist.

That’s not the main topic.

It does hurt like a MF though.

I don’t think that I mentioned that there was this gigantic man was coming up the stairs when my girlfriend and I were looking for a restaurant on May 3rd. I noticed his arms, because that tends to make me feel really envious. I always wish that I could get that big. My girlfriend told me that he was breathtaking later in the evening. I didn’t love that, because I want my date to be on a date with me and not looking at other people.

The Monday before we were seeing an author, and she asked me, “Are you having a ton of fun here? All the women are so tall! I have never thought of you as short and you seem so in this crowd.” I told her, “When I’m on a date, I don’t look at other women.”

I spoke with her directly on Mother’s Day about her lusting after the young, fit guy who was on a date with his girlfriend. I didn’t like it, and I told her.

It’s interesting to me that she texted something yesterday that seemed somewhat passive aggressive.

Baby Daddy is hideous. He has his daughter’s inheritance diamond unless he pawned it. I didn’t know until May 3rd it’s a replacement ring because my GF’s mother’s ring was “lost” alongside her jewelry box when the estate finalized after her Dad died. (My GF’s mother died when she was 10.)

Her new ring that I designed was to have her birthstone, her daughter’s birthstone and a diamond in it. My GF didn’t like that idea because she said it’d look like Christmas. She’s not wrong.

Anyway, the ring is mostly homage to her parents, but she likes that the light blue sapphire is somewhat a reference to my birth month.

There were issues with the ring getting here. It was really trying and upsetting me me. I texted her, “Does nothing work post-COVID?”

She texted, “Your sex drive seems to.”

I didn’t know where that came from. I texted that I’d not had sex since the 19th of April. Then I started processing–I process really slow–and told her that I certainly wouldn’t be having sex on Friday! I also move really slow.

She did call me in the afternoon yesterday and we had a nice and easy conversation. She obviously is feeling very hurt about me dating. A week ago she said that she didn’t think that it would move fast. I’m not sure why she’d think that.

I’m 50. I am fit. I am kind. I make enough money to not have financial reason to cohabit.

Why wouldn’t I have a date within a couple of weeks of making a profile?

I’m so excited for Friday. We were originally scheduled for Wednesday, but she had to change it because her ex-husband changed his dental surgery date. She didn’t feel good about someone post-sedation watching her 10-year-old son. His surgery was yesterday.

Friday night, is a “date night” as Keanu Reeves puts it in “Something’s Gotta Give.” I like that.

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Steady

After my doctor’s appointment–I am so glad that my son met me there after taking the bus–I made dinner for him, and made my girlfriend some Thai-inspired coriander chicken with broccoli. I went over there to talk. She had wanted us to watch a movie, and I thought that wouldn’t have been a good use of our precious time.

I find her the easiest person to be around because she’s mellow and accommodating. I was really tired and not super communicative.

We did talk about my new love interest. I have a couple videos of her which she sent (text) that I showed my girlfriend. My new love interest also has a large TikTok following so we watched one of her lifehacks together.

She said that she didn’t think that she looked straight and that I am prettier. I don’t agree at all. She’s conventionally pretty with large eyes and a great mouth. One of her appeals is her voice. It’s moderately deep and she has a great cadence.

My girlfriend did say that if she saw her in real life and her whole presentation that she might find her more attractive. And when I was telling her a few things about her she said, “She sounds like me.”

They are alike in many ways. They’re just over 7-years apart (April birthday and July birthday) and they are athletic / dancer types. They’re both extroverts. I don’t know what my new love interest played in high school and will ask about that on Wednesday. They had loss of a parent at young ages too. Neither one drinks and don’t want partners who drink.

My girlfriend explained that she had no idea that it would go fast. Meaning that I would talk to her on Saturday about beginning to date and make a profile the following day and then have a date within two weeks.

I told her about my location changes when I travel and she was somewhat shocked. I told her that a couple of women who I saw annually for something fun like a vacation would be ideal.

She told me, “You’re just more poly than I am.” I explained that while that is true that she loves her ex-husband more than me. And that’s factual so she agreed. I’m not sure that polyamory has degrees, but is likely expressed differently.

Then we talked about sex generally. I would never have sex with someone who I didn’t know again. I did that twice in my thirties. One relationship stuck for years and I’m still amiable, and have an infrequent, but am still in communication with one woman. The other one is one with whom I have no connection to whatsoever.

I think it takes about three-months to begin to know someone.

I met my new love interest in November and have only just now reconnected.

I want to see how our date goes on Wednesday, and I also want to kiss her if it goes well.

I wonder how our pace will go?

When I talked to her on the phone, I told her that I go pretty slow. She was glad about that. She hasn’t been with a woman in many years and was married for 12 to a man.

I think that slow and steady will also have some benefit for my girlfriend.

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Phases

When I had a two-year-old, I was single. Two is a tough age generally. The good thing about it is that they can talk, and the bad thing about it is they are still a baby.

She came over yesterday afternoon and gave me a big smile in her car as she was parking in my driveway. She wasn’t wearing her glasses so her green eyes were not obscured and beautiful. I like them when it’s overcast.

My dog got so excited that she pooped in the house and there was a loose dog outside too that I thought maybe my neighbor had adopted, but he just put it in his backyard and said he’d call. The little dog had a collar on. We finally got into my house and I took her hands and led her back to my bedroom.

My son was studying at the library yesterday.

I know that much of our obstacles are her getting used to seeing someone who doesn’t want to co-habit or remarry. However, she has said that now she likes having all of her parenting choices within her sphere of influence and that is easier in most respects.

Anyway, Baby Daddy is a piece of work. No financial, emotional or any support. He’s not seen her daughter in a couple of years and he texts “Hi,” late at night and ignores all of her texts of pictures that she used to send. He also has or has pawned a 3/4 karat diamond that he has had in a safe for their daughter which was my girlfriend’s mother’s ring. He ignores texts my girlfriend sends to ask to get it back. He’s an asshole.

The ring makes me feel awful. For that reason, I am working with a jewelry designer who I know to make a white gold ring with rhodium overlay. There will be a lab diamond and two gemstones. Hers is a ruby and her daughter’s is an emerald. I want her daughter to inherit something given that her dad may continue douchebaggery.

Yesterday after we’d connected and talked a bunch, I asked her if she wanted to go get some food.

She said that she needed to get her finger sized. (I was super concerned that she wouldn’t wear / like her birthday present so told her about it on Tuesday after we were getting a late bite after the concert.) I told her that she’s a 5. She said her finger is bigger. There is no way.

However, we went to an expensive European jewelry store in our expensive shopping district. She’s a 5.5 and she barely listened to me, but believed the proprietor when she explained European sizing, bandwidth, and when it’s cold not wanting it to slip away forever. She texted the designer her size when we left.

Then we picked up fast casual burgers and I ate mine in the car. She told me that she can’t believe how fit I am with how much I eat. She said that her ex-husband couldn’t do that either. I told her that I exercise a lot and she said, “Not really. When I was doing various tris and marathons, I was in the gym an hour a day everyday.” I didn’t tell her that a mother could never do that. And that’s true. You can’t do lots of things that you’d like to do with a kid. Some of your previous self never comes back.

I asked her if I could tag along to the daycare school and hang out with them. We talked about interesting clients on the drive over. Her daughter was stoked to see me. We all played at the park together and then I asked her not to take the highway back to her house but take street because I intended to bail out when she was at a stoplight. I did and walked home.

I’m so glad that we talked through this conflict. I can’t wait to blog about what she does for plans for us this upcoming month. We’re in different phases of life. It doesn’t change how much of my heart she has.

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Adjustments

My girlfriend drove over to my house on Tuesday afternoon and we left for the concert. We were chatting and she said, “Well, there’s an elephant in the room.” I said, “You’re going to make me talk about this now instead of Sunday?” And she said, “I think I am.”

I told her that we’d been dating nearly 7-months and she hasn’t made a single plan. I told her that I had realized that after I ensured that February was a good month with lots of varied plans and we’d even had sex once which wasn’t my expectation. Her experience of February is a month marks all kinds of tragic reminders and anniversaries, so with getting through it well, I thought that we’d be solid. Then I realized that March was less plan heavy and included some expectations not being met after they were decided on. I figured that April and May could go by if I didn’t hustle with date planning.

I can’t do casual.

I need to matter.

She told me to talk to my former metamour (ex-husband). I told her absolutely not and that I didn’t want to talk shit about her with him. She said that was harsh. But, that’s what it would be. I don’t need to complain about my girlfriend to her ex-husband. I get that she isn’t good about planning and such. However, I told her that April was a call to adventure and if she wanted to see me, she has to make some plans.

She told me that it made a lot of sense.

Yesterday we were supposed to have pizza with her ex-husband to have a belated birthday celebration and then he wound up bringing his new family. I couldn’t talk to her about the changes in plans because I had fallen asleep and then had a massage. She wound up cancelling the babysitter.

I was grateful when she said that she understood that I didn’t want to go. And they all had a ton of fun. There were five of them. I wouldn’t have, and would’ve felt compelled to pay and wouldn’t have wanted a $200 or more bill. It all worked out.

She called me last night to tell me about their night and a tooth that she needs to have repaired. The crown popped off. Hopefully, I can still see her today. I get it if I can’t, and won’t trip out.

I think that we’re just working on our stuff. Some of it is mine. I don’t like ever being an afterthought. I also need to feel desired and be top of mind for a girlfriend. I’m so interested in what April will entail.

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Comet

Almost 7-months of dating.

Oof. I’ve made all the plans for us less NYE and did add dinner to her plan because I wanted some time with her 1-1.

I’m also at a point wherein I’m not getting enough physical intimacy. That is something that I want and sometimes feel like I need.

I tried to have a friendship conversation with her on Saturday the 8th and she cried and was really upset. I think that we have been like friends all month though. She asked me, “Do you hug and kiss your friends?”

I do.

I also would be perfectly comfortable holding a friend in a bed to comfort her.

We have really fun plans this week. I told her on the phone last night that I don’t want to color those plans so we’ll have a talk on the 31st at some point. I hope that it’s not at night. I hope that it’s not in the running car while her daughter is “napping.”

In fact, now that I’m writing about it, I realize that I would pay for the super expensive older babysitter too. I don’t know if that’s on the table though because she’s her daughter.

It’s horrible, but if she doesn’t have clients that night, we may have to have the conversation at 7:30 that night. That is always a difficult time for her because it’s like her afternoon and she is intermittently sleepy.

Her sleep is 11 pm to 12 am until about 3 or 4 am. She’s up for an hour, and the she goes back to sleep until 9 or 10 am. She’s done this since her daughter was sleeping through the night.

It’s no secret that I’m both intense and passionate. I took a picture of what a friend wrote in our sophomore yearbook and sent it to him yesterday afternoon.

In 1991, he wrote, “Keep playing your guitar. For some reason, you reminded me of a big rockstar or something.” Yesterday as we were texting back and forth with him and he added, “And me writing that makes so much sense in my head still! Like you’ve always had this big energy that’s so uniquely you!!”

I endorse the quote by Naomi Wolf too. “Do nothing without passion.”

So, here’s my idea for the last day of the month. And, I want it to be that day if it’s even remotely possible.

I haven’t made a single plan for us in April.

I want to be her comet. When she feels moved to see a ballet, a show, eat Thai, BBQ, etc., she can text me. I’m totally down paying. Now that my career is filled out, I make lots of money.

I also want to be around at those rare times when running her practice, full-time parenting and managing her life leaves room and desire for sex.

However, she can text me. Things are feeling way out of balance. And it’s lacking passion.

I want to be there when it makes sense for both of us. It’s not right now.

And, I get it. She went from wanting a nesting partner and trying to get me to be convinced that I want to remarry, to not wanting a stepparent for her daughter, to now loving all her solo time that she rarely gets. She still wants a girlfriend though. And I’ve not felt like her girlfriend this month. I think that she needs to think about that a bit. I want her to hear my perspective and see what she thinks.

For my part, right now, I’d like to be her comet.

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Good

My girlfriend wound up talking to me for 15-minutes on Sunday regarding that brunch was cancelled. I felt like it was a related behavior when she had her best friend accompany us for Thanksgiving Tree Lighting. She had asked if my voicing a concern was to be in person or on the phone. I said that either was fine, but that sending screenshots would feel awful. And it would have.

I told her that I had a piece of fun and also something that was friction when she called me. It hadn’t become a fight yet. She said that she’d like the friction first.

I said, “Ok, it made me feel bad when we got back to your house last night and you said that swimming was now 10-12. I realized that _______ and I would be at your house for under an hour and you’d be getting up to leave for _____’s house and be rushed. There was no brunch anymore and that was our family plan for the holiday. It seems related to my telling you that Thanksgiving is the only holiday that I really care about and then _____ was included in the tree lighting.”

She said, “I’m sorry.”

She paused and I said, “Thank you.”

She explained that it didn’t feel good at all to change Christmas Eve Brunch plans and she didn’t like it either. Then she talked about how she understood that it wasn’t fair that our only plans just us three with her daughter included her best friend after we’d made concrete plans after Thanksgiving.

So easy. I was heard, validated, and she made a sincere apology.

Then she told me that scheduling has generally never been her forte, so when these things happen again, I should remind her.

I said I understood that it’s a shortcoming, but feeling like I was an afterthought was upsetting.

She said, “You’re not an afterthought.”

Without my suggesting it, she said, “What I am going to do is cancel with _____. [Her daughter] doesn’t know what dates are, so swimming anytime in the next few days will mean swimming with _____.”

I didn’t want her to do that, and I asked her not to, but she did it anyway.

We had family brunch.

Her daughter told my metamour that the best thing about the day was [my son] that night.

It was resolved. I think that our plans will now be our own. I have a piece of data proving that, too.

I asked her if she would go to dinner with me before the concert that she’s taking me and her best friend on New Year’s Eve (NYE). She said that she would and I’ve made reservations for us. We will meet her friend an hour before the concert begins. We’ll all watch the concert together. It’s funny, but I spent NYE with her best friend last year.

What feels good to you when you’re resolving a problem? How do you like to fight? What do disagreements serve for us in relationship?

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My Metamour

I had an impromptu dinner last night with the author. I told her all about my metamour. I really like him.

The author, who has two boyfriends, and a metamour who is one of her good friends said, “Tell me about your metamour.”

I said that he’s big, handsome and engaging. One of the things that I really liked best about him was that he and my girlfriend have many of the same mannerisms and also use the same expressions. They both consider things for a good period, nod and then say, “That’s fun.”

We’ve already exchanged emails. I want to teach him how to play frisbee golf, so I have to see which days he has off from work next week and the week after. (I played a lot of it when I was an undergrad.)

My girlfriend and he had built my girlfriend’s daughter’s playhouse that he’d gotten her for Christmas. She’ll wake up Christmas morning there and see it and it will be kept at his house. In many respects, he’s like a father to her; although, my girlfriend doesn’t agree.

On Thanksgiving, she had sent me this video of her daughter cackling while he picked her up into the air and was flipping her around. It was the sweetest video, and that is when I realized how much I wanted to know him.

My girlfriend said that she had to press him a whole bunch to ensure that he met me before Christmas.

We all went to the best Thai restaurant in our area on Wednesday night and talked. He paid and I said, “May I please get the tip?” and he gracefully accepted the cash. He’s from New England so he’s refined and has some almost feminine mannerisms, which are really just part of being from New England. Some of his manner is opposite of his large and muscular frame. He’s probably about 6’2″. He has twinkly blue eyes and is well-dressed and put together.

I’m not sure what their relationship will look like in the coming New Year. He’s moving in with his current girlfriend who also has a child. Her child is a preteen girl. I would imagine a lot of the features in their relationship will change.

I asked her if she’d ever remarry him and she said, “No.” They seem really good together and I think that both of them liked being married. I know that it’s complicated and obviously not on the table right now given that his girlfriend is moving in with him shortly.

I kept telling her that I needed to be his friend. Now, I know that I am. In fact, I’ll email him back on the 26th or 27th so I can see him and hangout solo. The weather is scary warm, so I’m sure that as long as it’s not windy we can play frisbee golf.

It’s interesting that the feelings of jealousy that I had prior are gone completely now. They were mostly related to my too quiet Thanksgiving and then hours alone. I wasn’t jealous of him. I was jealous of family. While I was lucky to have had Thanksgiving with my neighbors, they had a bustling one that was complete with boisterous cussing relatives.

I guess there could possibly be times when we had all three kids together at his place (my 19-year-old, her toddler and his girlfriend’s preteen). Maybe in the summer?

Regardless of what the future holds, I really like my metamour.

What does family mean to you? How do you do friendships? What do you think about adding people to your life?

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Discussion

My son and I spent the whole day with my girlfriend and her daughter. We went to a cat cafe and played with kitties. My son fell in love with a black one and a dilute white and orange cat. He kept saying that he wanted the black one.

Then we went to an interactive indoor playground which was space and weather themed. I had a ton of fun going through the obstacles and on the slides. It was oriented for toddlers and elementary aged children, but there were plenty of parents and adults helping kids out. I had a great time and I think that my son seemed to as well.

We went to a late lunch early dinner too. It was a great start of my day.

Afterward, I went to the co-ed discussion group that I don’t get to attend often because of when my bowling schedule is when I’m on league. I hadn’t been in some time. Like many things that I tend to do, I do those alone.

Tonight the two topics which we discussed were balancing the needs for reassurance and gratitude for what having lots of love and loves brings.

A couple of folks talked about narratives that we spin in our heads. It’s like an entry that I wrote about the stories that we tell ourselves and often when we’re upset, we tend to make something up and even have scripts for what people may say. Another person shared that we sometimes feel something in our bodies and may just need to name that feeling. There were a couple of folks who said that it’s most important to work on yourself and deal with things that are problematic for you. I agree with all the points that folks made.

When we were talking about gratitude many people shared that being in concurrent relationships lends itself to opportunities that are not available in monogamy. I agree with that completely. I also liked that we talked about how friendships can be prioritized too because you can love deeply anyone with whom you’re in relationship and it doesn’t have to be intimate or romantic.

Image by Mote Oo Education from Pixabay

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Near Miss

I saw my girlfriend on Thursday night. We talked and she had a tight right hip given that she sat on the floor for an hour that day and her toddler was jumping on her. It felt like the muscle was pulling in her sacrum.

I’ve had sciatica before and also have fractured and broken so many things that I just intuitively get the body.

I think that she was shocked after working it for about 15-minutes while she laid on her side how much it released. I asked her to lay on her back and she said that it felt better. The next day she texted me thank you and said that her whole hip felt great.

We’ve both had wicked colds. I realized that although I never get sick enough to miss work and generally have a wonderful immune system that I’ll be getting new things given that I’m dating a mother of a really little child. They’re pretty full of germs and have to build up their immunity.

It’s fine. She’s the third mother who I have dated. There is an overall lack of self-absorption and also divided energy that mothers have. I have that presentation too, and she and I have talked about it. I told her once, “When you get another girlfriend, it will be strange if she’s not a mother.” She told me that wouldn’t interest her at all.

In fact, she really only has time for her ex-husband and me anyway. She’s running a practice and does active parenting. Her kid goes the the kid’s gym, gymnastics, preschool twice a week, little hikes, and her daughter rides her scooter in many parks and swims.

They were going swimming yesterday (Friday). They often go to a pool fairly far away so they had to travel on one of our really busy interstates.

My girlfriend swerved into a lane yesterday which was thankfully empty to avoid a car that was going to hit her. Twenty-minutes later she saw that car again, and it had collided with two other cars.

I got a long text in the three o’clock hour about it.

Immediately, my eyes welled up with tears.

I am not a stranger to someone being suddenly gone. My brother was just dead after we got hit. The priest told me when he was giving me the last rites–which he wasn’t supposed to do–and I tried to get out of the gurney, but couldn’t because my pelvis was in three pieces. My former sister-in-law was just gone after having bike ride plans. That is how life really is. You don’t know how many days you have left.

After expressing being scared, relieved, and asking what I could do, I just sent a simple text to her.

It said: “I need to tell you that I love you. Sorry that I didn’t say it to you yesterday.”

After her hip had been addressed on Thursday and she could lay on her back, I laid mostly across her and she was rubbing my back. Her touch is just incredible. It’s relaxing and tender. I realized that I am in love with her. We talked a little more and then it was nine, so I just got up.

Her night time routine takes an hour and a half. Going to bed at 10:30, spending an active day with a toddler and then seeing clients all night is just unfathomable to me. She’s only just under three-years younger than I am. There isn’t any way that I could do it.

She asked where I was going and I said “Home,” and walked out of her apartment through her prep room and then into the practice area. I said, “It’s nine.” She followed me out and hugged and kissed me. We wound up talking in the foyer and then talking more when I went down the first flight of stairs. I was looking up at her. She’s so beautiful. I said, “This is Shakespearean. It’s as if I’m professing my love to you.”

She laughed and blew me a kiss and said something, but the moment was making me turn red and making my heart race a little bit, so I said, “Goodnight,” and walked down the last flight of stairs.

That could’ve been a moment of regret in an instant had the car slammed into her yesterday. Life is so short.

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Table

AR got the table top done in two days. She is so incredibly efficient and kind. She mortared the bottom of it and used the black grout that she had.

The artist’s tiles are handmade so their edges aren’t uniform or do they follow a straight line

I love the way that it looks near the corner of my living room window. I’m so happy about it.

I gave her a $100 check so she can spend money on my son’s cousins when they’re there for my former sister-in-law’s celebration of life. Ironically, I’ll be in NYC that weekend for my 50th birthday.

I texted back and forth for awhile with the artist. He’d done a commission of my son’s cat last year. That work hangs in my entryway. We texted about possibilities. He was touched by the tabletop and said that he was making the whole thing more complicated. He also said that he might starting thinking about simple designs for tables. I hope that I get to see him in person on September 2nd.

I’m doing so much better since I started therapy. I am connected with my former family members and not getting enflamed by things that my son is doing. I am enjoying my house slowly, but surely. Getting this table done quickly has been encouraging.