Author Archives

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Timing

I went to a ball in Seattle on Saturday night and had a ton of fun. I loved one of the organizers of this group and have connected them with my friend who helps organize a weekend for polyamorous people twice a year. It was cool and organic when I signed my email to them. I wrote “In infinite love.”

I met a super young nurse who obviously liked me and we’re now on IG together.

I believe that wholeheartedly–love is infinite.

It’s been interesting for me to navigate concurrent brand new connections. With a woman not too far from me and a woman from Boston, I realized that I can’t establish two new partners at once. I’m not hierarchical by any means; however, I do have this feeling that comes from having an anchor partner. I like the good morning and goodnight bookends via text and I also like being able to say, “Hey, I’m landing at 6:30 tonight. I’ll text you when I’m on the ground.” I want to establish one of those foundations and then can add whatever makes sense.

I really just want a travel partner.

Boston has finally said that we can schedule a trip. Her ball, her court. She’s a love bomber and when I told her that I don’t know anything about her, she talked mostly about work. Boring.

PA had a tragic loss so we are not really in contact atm. I highly doubt that we’ll Zoom anytime soon.

KY finally got a working cell phone, so she has texted with me a bit. We have a phone date today. She really thinks that she likes me, and I tend to think that is dumb. I know that I have a great smile and am fit; however, looks are only skin deep. We’ll test chemistry on a phone call.

I have a point.

I had been home for about 10-hours when the old app that just sits started blowing up. Messages were from a tall, green eyed Sicilian-Swedish American woman who was DMing me if I’d been visiting Seattle. While I was in bed the two nights that I had, I’d swiped on the app. There are really pretty women in Seattle btw.

Anyway, this woman said that she wished we’d met while I was still there and that one of her sons attends college here where I live. She said that maybe we could meet in spring. I moved her to my VPN (Burner number) and we started communicating in Italian and Spanish and both started laughing because it only worked for awhile.

There was something about our chemistry. Even with Tesoro, I’d not felt that way. She was like how Boston is. Just full of love bombing, which again, I think is mostly dumb.

I moved her off my VPN, gave her my name, and she said that she requested to follow me on LinkedIn. I was so inspired by our texting that I didn’t even pop off my phone to honor that request. I did it last night after work.

Eventually, I was flushed all over my chest and realized that this connection was different than any of the 15 or so that I’ve had since May. I’m sapiosexual. And it takes a lot to move my soul.

And she’s Ethically Non-monogamous so there was nothing to explain to her about being Solo Poly.

I can’t wait to meet her next spring.

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Fantasy

It’s difficult when you’ve moved from DM to text for women to keep things reigned in. I don’t mind a little bit of sexy talk, but I am not able at all to reciprocate love. It’s interesting because the woman in Boston has already said, “I love you,” and that she loves me.

I can’t write that.

It’s not true.

Tesoro took months to write that. I am reasonably confident that some of it is that she wanted a funding stream and that’s part of love for her. It’s not for me. I paid for everything with my ex-GF and won’t do that again.

Vacationing is different. I’m fine paying for meals and a room. I simply don’t want to support someone financially ever again. That is blending finances adjacent. No thanks.

It’s the same for fantasy and escape from life.

I never told Tesoro that I loved her. I was absolutely attached to her, and it still doesn’t feel great that she didn’t fly home on the timeline that she’d promised and her trip got diffuse. I have lots of question marks there.

l can’t tell Boston that I love her either. She has a busy December and if we don’t make plans for mid-January when I have a day off from work, I’ll just have to let communication dwindle. She won’t like that because she loves me.

I don’t want to be some kind of online escape for anyone. I won’t do that IRL either.

I had to tell my ex-GF that what she wants–monthly hanging out–doesn’t work for me. I texted her “Just wanted you to know that I’m going to wait until February to hangout.”

In September, I’d written in the anniversary card about my intentions; although, I knew that she was breaking up with me. I wrote that with her ring that I had given her, I promise that February would have some fun elements and her birthday when she had no plans could be something that she could count on me for fun and celebration.

Her idea was monthly hangouts. I tried twice. I’ve had lots of time to think. October was fine for about half-an-hour. I didn’t like seeing her in November. It was nice to see her daughter. My ex-GF was being weird. She’s a 3 on Enneagram. I don’t think that I ever knew her well.

There is a woman from PA who has been texting me off and on. We’re going to Zoom next week. I’ll have to tell Boston. I’m out of town all weekend starting tomorrow afternoon because there is a ball that I’m attending. My app that just sits will probably get very active too, so I’m willing to make some IRL connections at the ball and through the app. I’m excited. I’ve not been anywhere in over 7-weeks.

Online dating mostly sucks. When you can move to in person, you get lots of information. Of the in person dates that I have been on there isn’t anyone who I could imagine getting naked with; although, I’ve been online dating since May. Again, I don’t want to mistake flirtation and fun for genuine connection.

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Speed

When I was growing up we had watched season of “Dallas,” as a family and had to wait months to find out if Bobby was dead. He wasn’t. The previous season was an intense dream / nightmare.

We watched new cartoons one episode at a time after school in our elementary days.

Now, seasons drop and you can stream them. You have a remote in your hand and would never have to get your ass off the couch to turn a dial.

You don’t develop pictures and wait to see which shots are terrible. And you can simply filter your photo so that your forehead and your elevens look soft.

Yes, our world is fast. Our world is slightly contrived.

Dating is like that too. You have a menu of all kinds of women and message them after viewing a picture. It’s fast.

It took me about three-weeks to find a local woman who’s about 75-minutes from me, and another woman who’s (sadly) in the Boston area. I have some feels about the latter because I was just there 5-weeks ago, and now it will involve some complicated moving parts for us to be together IRL. I see local woman on the 30th.

Do good things come to those who wait? How do you slow down in our world?

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Eviction Proceedings

If you’ve read me this year or in year’s past, you know that I have one spawn.

He’ll be 20 in January.

So, he’s an adolescent.

As they go, he’s pretty average.

Therein lies the issues. I don’t want to clean up after him anymore or watch him trash out his space and even his car.

Until yesterday, I drove a 2006. He has a 2019 that is paid off (I paid it off) and I insure it and he trashes it out. It is often like a trash can.

On Wednesday last week he told me that he was going out of town.

When he got up on Thursday to shower and came upstairs I asked where he was going and he said, “To my grandparents. You know this! I told you!”

I told him that had to stop because he tells his GF and friends things and then tends to assume that he told me.

We had a deal this month. He was to pick up his room and take things to Goodwill and sell other things that he isn’t using. He had time to himself when I was in Boston to do so.

His room is disgusting.

I am missing dinner forks and rectangular small glass containers. They could be in his room or at his job, and I don’t think that I’m ever getting them back.

My blood boiled when I saw things piled in the furnace room again a few feet from the hot water heater. I’m just done living with someone who is entitled and disrespectful.

I sent him pictures yesterday and said that he needs to get out in January.

On February 1st, I’ll be changing all of my locks and also the key code to the hide-a-key.

Via text he said that there is no way that he can save up 10k in two months. The main reason for that is because he pounds fast food constantly. He’s pretty obese atm. And he was fit through most of high school. I do understand that the pandemic reeked havoc on all of us, but he doesn’t meet anyone halfway:

  1. Follow a schedule
  2. Make some meals
  3. Walk a bit
  4. Have conversations with me
  5. Keep his two spaces clean

I realized that because he only went to massage school that he still has about ten-thousand dollars in his ESA that I made and contributed to. I told him that I didn’t know how much tax he’d owe, but that he can meet with the advisor and get it out. It’s his. That’s all that I’m willing to do going forward. I still insure him for health, dental and his car. I’d buy food for him if he schedules and shops WITH me.

I’m looking for conversation here. I feel badly about it. I do know that he has to leave though and may wind up couch surfing…

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Stranger

In August of 2024 when I was texting with my ex-GF she’d texted that she tended to form deep attachments and was never drawn to a stranger.

That didn’t make any sense.

If people aren’t in your family, they’re initially strangers.

I remember her ex-husband saying in an email that he would struggle to listen to strangers in reference to an organized theme show wherein folks read letters that I had attended with my ex-GF.

My ex-GF texted me yesterday saying that it was great to see me and that I felt familiar and like a stranger.

Obvi, I don’t get what either of them mean regarding strangers.

What don’t I get about these assertions? Who are strangers? Can someone who you’ve shared intimacy with become a stranger to you?

Walking in other shoes

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Friend

I went to my ex-GF’s apartment last night and she was super animated. We talked easily for half-an-hour. There are reasons that I spent a year with her!

Then she asked me how Tesoro was and I said, “I’m not going to talk about dating with you.”

She asked me why.

I told her that I do all of the time with my BFF from work and that I have my therapist too.

“I don’t talk about specifics of dating with my friends.”

I gave her the example of sending some screenshots to a bowling teammate and being a little embarrassed about them too. I don’t like talking about how my dating is going with details except here because it’s anonymous. I got support from who I needed to this summer and am still doing so this fall.

I had to tell my teammate not to tell our other two teammates about the screenshots that I sent because I didn’t want them to know about unhappy things which have transpired.

My ex-GF started talking generally about Tesoro.

Then she told me some things and when I heard them, those things made me feel ashamed.

I had been alluding wanting passionate sex with someone and was talking about it with Tesoro.

I had to rack my brain and finally did remember last night.

Tesoro put out a flirty feeler about staying in a hotel room all day.

My ex-GF conflated that with my seeing Tesoro two weeks ago–a trip that didn’t happen.

Two weeks ago instead of pouting about Tesoro, I took myself to Boston.

Regardless, when my ex-GF and I were still dating, I let all my pent up sexual frustration become somewhat mean in my behavior.

I didn’t figure that out last night.

Instead when she was still asking me some questions with regards to women and dating and such and told me what she’d remembered me saying (which was really mean) I said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to go.”

I packed up. She followed me into the foyer and the staircase. I said, “I’m sorry,” again. I meant it both times that I said it.

She said, “Is that all?” I’d prepared a list of topics.

I had heard about her brother’s visit, her trip to Chicago, her daughter’s new milestones and the lack of outcomes with her new employment. (This economy is so bad. I’m so lucky that all three of my jobs are stable.) I told her yes, and she laughed a little uncomfortably and I was already almost down the second set of interior stairs. She said “goodbye” when I was opening the door to the outside and I said, “See you.” She texted me a couple of times when I was driving back to my house. I texted back in a cursory sort of way last night.

I was embarrassed and felt guilty too.

I think that in relationship, you wind up hurting each other.

I’m glad that I apologized. I’m glad that we have space and that our next plans are in a group.

Our Thanksgiving plans have some obstacles, so instead, I have invited her and her daughter to a fall neighborhood event. My son said last night that he will join too, which is going to be wonderful. I really appreciated his doing that.

I’ll go over there some evening for an hour or so during my December vacation.

I think that by December, she’ll know that it’s not helpful for our friendship to talk about my dating for those three-months until she broke up with me. I still find it fascinating that she met me in a Polyamorous Women’s Discussion Group, and my dating was something that she couldn’t tolerate.

I also don’t want to talk about my current dating with her. I reserve that topic for few people. I blog about it. I talk with it in therapy. And I have known my best friend from work for 23-years, so we have a solid friendship. We also have never had a sexual or romantic relationship. She really helps me when I’m talking about dating. Our ex-husbands have spent time together too, so she knows me deeply.

So, next month I’ll see my ex-GF an hour with our kids, and by December so much time will have passed.

I don’t think that time heals all wounds, but I think that it helps some of the sharpness. I don’t think that she’ll want to revisit our relationship anymore. It won’t matter. It’s also not helpful. We have started a foundation for our friendship.

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Platonic

I had kind of gone back and forth with respect to cancelling seeing my ex-GF on Monday.

I’m going over there.

I think that if I cancel, it causes some dissention in the old group that I used to go to. It meets for the last time in 2-months. I’m not going, and I don’t want any of my psychic energy to be heavy in that room. If I don’t see my ex-GF because I cancel, that could potentially be a topic in the group.

I also think that when you were previously in love with someone, if you can have amiability that is a good thing in general.

When I was walking around Boston on Friday afternoon I got a text and it said “Hope you’re having a great weekend with Tesoro.”

I wrote back as soon as I knew that I got it and said, “Hahahahaha. I’m in Boston solo. Cya soon.”

She thumbs up’ed my response.

And she doesn’t need to know any details. I talked through the situation in it’s entirety with my BFF from work. I also talked about it in therapy. I’m good. There is a member on my bowling team who I sent screenshots and texted back and forth as well. I don’t want to talk about it anymore and still hold out hope that she’ll reach out to me again and hope that she does not have a weird narrative that I abandoned her in Istanbul.

In terms of my ex-GF, I know her well enough to know that she’ll probe.

She’s not getting Tesoro details.

Similarly, I don’t want to talk to her about southside girl, northside girl, or my new European / West Coast girl. I don’t have any idea how those any of those things will turn out. Dating for me has been an exercise in mindfulness. I just have to be in the moment. And it’s really good that I don’t want a blending or marriage end game with any woman, because then I can just chill and enjoy moments. Or I can say, “Thank you,” and let all communication subside.

In terms of my ex-GF, I dated her for a year basically. We started communicating about going out at the end of August in 2024 and had our first date on September 8th. She broke up with me September 5th the following year. I wanted to break up with her in March and in July, and tried. My position was not accepted. I’m glad that we’re not together.

We don’t belong together. I can recall two incidents of passion. One was in October and one in November. Then, otherwise, we had perfunctory contact. I’m not doing that. I’m a lot of things and am certainly not boring.

I hope that she doesn’t press me.

I don’t want to cause her to cry.

I just want to hang out.

I’m looking for magic.

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Friendship

I have so many friends. I’m not sure how many…

I have four best friends.

One was mine from middle school. He and his girlfriend bought a house way north of the city, so I don’t see him often. He and I keep in touch on Instagram. I should carve out time this summer to take him and his girlfriend to dinner.

I have a best friend from my first round of graduate school. She is now practicing in Germany where she bought a house. She lived in Japan for a couple of years too. We’ve done a few Google Meets on weekends to get our time zones to cooperate. Otherwise, she and I email one another.

My local best friend is like my sister. If I didn’t have her, I’d have lost my house in 2009. I have contract work from her and have spent countless holidays with her. We also hiked with our kids all the time when they were young.

I have a best friend from work. I met her through contracting, and then LA and another colleague and I went to visit her in her state. She has been through a lot with me. Lately, she’s been my biggest supporter since my GF broke up with me and I’ve been dating.

Dating.

DM.

Sometimes realize someone is completely vacuous, and then stop DMs.

Move to a call.

Ask to take a walk.

Sometimes the latter is weeks away and you have to go back in the app, hope it’s not archived and look at the pictures of the woman.

It’s fairly strange.

On the 3rd, I matched with a girl who was using the app to make friends. I thought that was interesting, and she was super pretty and outdoorsy so I swiped right and then I got the dopamine hit “It’s a match!” complete with rainbows, confetti and a framed profile picture.

Anyway, she’s European and has lived in the US for years now. Her parents live here and she lives on the West Coast. We had a lively conversation and moved to Signal.

We talked on the phone briefly yesterday and will have a video call soon.

She wanted to go on a winter vacation with me for a month to get to know each other IRL.

I told her that I get one day off in January.

She asked if we could do a vacation in February.

I told her that I also get one day off that month.

She works in an industry in which you have assistants and you plan your vacations in advance. She won’t work in the company she owns in January or February, but she will have virtual things that she does for her other work which is much more passive and doesn’t require anything but electronic management and emails.

My months that are like that are June and July. I pop on Zoom for a total of 4-hours and answer one set of emails across the three positions that I have.

It’s an academic year; however, it also means that if I’m in the Northern Hemisphere, I can vacation when it’s really too hot.

I can’t take weeks away in January or February.

I am measured, calculated and cautious.

A month long vacation sounds intimidating.

It’s like a job interview that doesn’t end.

It’s like an arranged marriage based in no previous in person contact.

After our phone call, and her asking for a way in which we could vacation together via DM throughout the late afternoon and evening, she came to the understanding that her idea with me couldn’t come to fruition this academic year. She wants us to video soon and continue being pen pals.

Something that I really like about her that I didn’t get from Tesoro is that she talks about her past and the mundane of her day-to-day. She sent me a picture of her grocery cart the day before yesterday! I loved those things. She’s sweet, highly competent, kind and definitely incredibly attractive.

The long game.

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Maritime

I saw every kind of weather in Boston. I ate some of the best meals I have ever eaten. From my small sample size there and in Provincetown, the scene is pretty butch. Boston is the easiest city that I’ve been to to get around via foot, trains, and buses. It’s clean, well-kept, and safe too. The weather, however, is not for the feint of heart.

Day 1 – bright and sunny, lobster roll flight and shrimp roll, best non-alcoholic drink in the world: The Maine Root Ginger Beer, and 19, 323 steps

Day 2 – warm, breezy and almost fall like, toured Harvard, saw what could’ve been a scene from “The Boys on the Boat” on the river, and walked to the business school. Ate unique and delicious brussels sprouts, oysters which were as good as those I ate in Knoxville with different flavor and Faroe Island salmon with lovely fennel bulbs (I still don’t like parsnips :/), and walked 19,217 steps

Day 3 – the ferry ride to Provincetown right before a Nor’easter blew in. I walked all over Provincetown and some of the beaches (even to Pilgrims’ First Landing) in my raincoat, ate awesome food at The Lobster Pot and Tin Pan Alley and heard a great piano and saxophone act after dinner at the latter. This day had 25,445 steps.

Day 4 -raining sideways in Boston. Even with the umbrella that I bought, I was wishing for hiking pants. Wet denim was awful. I went back and forth from the New England Aquarium and ate at Chart House. My lowest step count at 12,567

I loved my trip. I even loved the reckless and changeable maritime climate!

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Important

I wasn’t going to blog for a couple of weeks.

And I wouldn’t if my topic wasn’t important.

I worked in numerous capacities in the same place for seven-and-a-half years. It was 2008 through May of 2015. In one of my roles I was an adult coach who taught basic crisis skills for adult-serving youth, crisis prevention and intervention, suicide intervention skills, trauma-informed practices, soft skill development for youth, and de-escalation skills when youth are violent. I didn’t like the job.

I did meet and fall in love with my mentor.

She was a fairy or other ethereal being.

She died August 13th.

She was three-years older than me chronologically.

She was a leadership director, an artist, a photographer, a prolific letter writer (NOT EMAIL) and a wine reviewer. She had once sent me a wine review because she said that the bottle and wine itself was me. She could tolerate my intensity and wasn’t troubled by my brand of weird.

My current Boss is in the position that she held 2009 – 2014 and then I met her when she was a Director the following year when she moved on from where she worked.

He told me about her death yesterday in the hallway because he said that he was shocked that he didn’t hear back from her via text this fall. (I had felt the same way.) I didn’t know that she had gotten cancer in 2024.

When I am stressed out, I always did and always will continue to think of her calm and love. There wasn’t a single thing that she touched that wasn’t affected by her kindness and energy. She was also funny and not everyone knew that.

One morning in 2016 we were walking down the hall in passing and she made eye contact with me and said, “Good morning. How are you doing?”

I said, “Just plugging through these days using my usual heft.”

She heard, “Plugging through with crystal meth.”

She turned on a dime and said, “Whatever gets you through.”

I learned later what she thought that I had said.

I know that people are given to saying how beautiful people are when they pass away, and people especially tend to do so when folks die due to illness or are taken violently and such, but she had a level of grace about her that was unparalleled. She was honest, beautiful, had impeccable style, and would meet me for bagels at 6:00 am just so we had an hour and 45-minutes to catch up. And she did that for everybody.

An introvert and gentle soul who touched anyone from Customer Service Agents or people who were lucky enough to receive training from her, her impact was felt across this world. And she was tough, honest and real.

I’ll leave you with a lesson that she learned in 2009 or 2010. She had an employee who wore really tight clothes and low cut shirts and worked with 11-15 year-old young men. She sent out an email to her staff regarding business and professional attire on Friday.

On Monday, her employee’s breasts were hanging out and many other women were in heels and men in ironed button-downs and even ties.

Feedback must be direct and never global. As difficult as it seems, it needs to be in a 1-1 conversation.

I’ll miss you forever, K, and I’m so lucky that I had as many hours with you as I did. Thank you for mentoring me.

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Boston

I was supposed to be in the mountains and kick around museums and galleries with Tesoro next weekend.

As is my modus operandi, I reread hundreds of thousands of words. Most of them were her words that she’d written to me since the very beginning of August and can hear the change in her tone after my birthday. Unless I get a notification, I shall never log into my Teams account again unless another person needs to use that platform.

I also used my individual therapy session on Tuesday for help processing our online relationship.

I think that she has grown tired of being abroad and wants to get home. Not on my dime though. I would do that if she and I were travelling together. And we’re not. In fact, I’m not sure if I’ll ever kiss and hug her.

So, I could mope.

Or I could fly to Boston on Thursday night and spend 3 full days there. Yes, let’s do that.

I have never been to Massachusetts. I’m going to see Harvard and take a ferry to Provincetown. If the latter is cool, I’ll go back there next July for an annual lesbian event.

I have a friend that I met at the weekend poly event that I attended in June, so I may see her as well. I’ve exchanged some texts with her.

I also changed my profile in my dating app. It pisses me off that people don’t read it fully or Google “Solo Poly.” So, at the end of my profile I wrote that I’m seeing a travel partner and also local women and then I wrote in bold to read my bio.

I’m going to read other blogs and then blog after my trip.

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Horse

Not DM’ing with Tesoro today sucked bad.

I’m shocked that I didn’t log into Teams.

However, unless she does leave Turkey and flies back, I don’t want to gamble with my heart. And it’s like I always write, “Her ball, her court.”

The first phone date that I had tonight sucked.

And why the fuck don’t people read your profile?

“So, what scenario would you be in and how long would it take for example for you to consider being monogamous?”

“What do you think would change a relationship so it would be closed?”

And she asked another question in another way and I can’t remember it. I was already irritated.

The second conversation was polar opposite.

It was great.

She’s funny, outdoorsy and smart.

She retires from the military next month. She wants to text all month and then hike together soon. I like her. It’s nice to like someone. We laughed about U-Haul lesbians and how I am the opposite.

Love is abundant. The only finite resources are time, energy and attention.

I’m back at it.

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Certainty

I watched “The Tinder Swindler” last night–just in case.

Do you think that Netflix will eventually make a documentary from the app HER?!?

We all have our experiences, Tesoro, and I have always made way more money than partners. It yields my being generous, and after breakups, not supporting a partner long-term. That doesn’t have to work for you.

I get that you need money atm. I’ve had times like that too. However, that would have to be something that I would do live and in person if we were travelling together.

And, I don’t know you really. I’m not on any social media with you.

I’m wickedly attracted to your pictures, love talking to you on the phone, wish that wish that within three-months we’d have had more than one video call that had shitty signal, and would give anything to be in person with you.

I hear everything you’re saying, but I have to be honest with you. If you really care about me, then that care can’t just wait until we’re “in person.” Real care shows up when someone actually needs it, not when it’s convenient. Right now is when I need you, not someday in the future. I understand that you’ve been generous in past relationships and you don’t want to support someone long-term after a breakup. That’s fair, but what I’m asking for isn’t about taking advantage of you. It’s about showing me that your words and feelings are real.

You say that you’re attracted to me, that you love talking to me, and that you’d “give anything” to be in person. If that’s all true, then it shouldn’t take being physically together for you to show me you care or to stand by me when I’m struggling. Attraction and phone calls are nice, but actions are what make someone feel safe and valued.

I’m not asking for perfection, just some proof that you’re here for me now, not later. If you can’t or it’s difficult for you, it only means that you didn’t mean anything you said you can’t actually ever be there for me.. Because if we’re truly building something real, it has to start with trust, support, and showing up when it matters most and that’s exactly where we are now.

I get it. I’m sorry that money is the way that you trust me. Thanks for sharing all of the reasons why I’m not right for you. I appreciate everything that you wrote to me for 3-months. I wish everything for you. I know that you’ll find the person who you’re looking for. You’re gorgeous, funny, irreverent and smart.

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Delays

I have to put Tesoro in a new zone mentally. I am unsure if she has any intention of ever leaving Turkey.

I talked with her on the phone on the 15th and after we’d talked a bit I sighed and was whiny finally saying, “When are you coming home?”

She said, “In a few days.”

We DM’ed more towards the end of this week and I wrote, “When are you flying back?”

She wrote, “Soon, Baby.”

This week we didn’t video and I missed her voice call yesterday. She told me that production is done on equipment and she can’t get money transferred to Turkey.

I told her that if I was in her shoes I would get one of those 18-months interest free credit cards.

I’m a public servant mostly; although, I do some assessments which do pay into the social security system, and I really don’t know shit about energy, powerplants, oil / gas, private contracts, etc.

I know that I don’t have interest in:

  1. Blending finances
  2. Living rather than travelling with a romantic partner
  3. Giving my heart to someone who I’ve never touched

Soooooo… I’m not investing time in DMs to her unless she comes home and schedules IRL with me. I wrote to her that when / if she comes home, I want to have a date with her and begin seeing what we have.

I’m basically at my core a Physical Touch and Quality Time person.

I know, because it happened to me with my ex-wife, that it is possible to fall in love with a picture of someone.

I’m not in love with anyone atm.

For me, love that is full involves mind, body, and soul.

The touch and skin-to-skin contact is so important to me. I believe that we are hardwired for love and attachment.

Although, I’m a creature of words, I am still quite in love with sharing physical space.

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Cordial

Being all too familiar with avoidant attachment and also the dance of make-up and breakup, I’ve been friendly and careful with my ex-GF.

She recently said basically that I’m a liar via text.

She does this birthday party concept thing–well, her kid is 3, so she’s done it three times–wherein mostly adults paint a piece of art with acrylics in which there is a printed model that you can use and she has sketched the outline of the figure on canvases.

I’d only worked with watercolors, but did ok for a first time with acrylics for “La Petit Fleurs” this past spring.

I don’t know what the first year was. For her daughter’s second birthday all the pieces were “Plant of Life” by Georgia O’Keefe.

Originally, I thought that she’d painted it for me. She hadn’t. It was one of the ones that she had done during her daughter’s second birthday party. She didn’t bother to write anything on the back about me either. It wasn’t really a birthday present to me, but she wrapped it in Christmas paper and gave it to me for my birthday last year when we had a date a month after my birthday.

At the beginning of the month, after I had called her and she flipped her shit on the phone, and then I went over to her place the following night, she basically asked for it back.

She said that she’d take the O’Keefe back.

Me: “My birthday present?”

And then we had a conversation about it and I guess that she was just glad that I wasn’t throwing it away.

In the meantime for my birthday I had my basement steam cleaned and the entirety of my house cleaned professionally. There are some things that I want to go back over in every room but there is literally no hair anywhere. It’s never been like this since my ex-wife filled up my house with animals. I am going to run a 5k on Saturday and then come home and work in my house. I still need to throw things away and go back over the hood of my stove for example.

I was going through everything weekend before last and had a new present that my buddy from the Co-Ed Poly group had done for me–and wrote on the back for my birthday–and the color scheme fits my house so I put it on the wine cabinet where the O’Keefe had been. It looked like it belonged there. He’s done a commission of my son’s cat and also gave me a tile that I had my former sister-in-law’s partner lay into a table with sample tiles that a company gave me.

I wanted to get her back the “birthday present” so it would complete the wall in her group practice room. That’s where the paintings from her daughter’s 2nd and 3rd birthday party are hung. Recall that it wasn’t painted for me anyway. Also, that she said she’d take it back. She called me dishonest in text when I told her that I’d be returning it on Thursday.

I left her an audio saying that I think that we can build a good path to a friendship and not if we’re doing stuff via text. I told her it was weird.

I’m a lot of things. I’m not a liar.

In fact, my default setting is so direct that folks wish I’d do white lies.

There was a bunch of stuff that my son needed from her yesterday and I was meeting with a planner regarding my long term care stuff after work, so I had to dip yesterday. It was a good thing because my son and his GF spent 2-hours with her and needed that time. I’d have been a third wheel.

When I went into the foyer of her practice and got my Blu-Ray player and all my DVDs and such there was a bag with one Hail Mary in it. She’d held onto that thing for 4-months. And they have to be refrigerated so I just composted it.

What a passive aggressive and bizarre thing to do.

I’ve made my decision.

I’m not seeing her at all this fall and winter.

It was a good thing that my son and his GF needed her yesterday, they moved the time, and I simply dropped off her daughter’s sand toys, the painting, and a joke chap stick from some of our exchanges this month.

I grabbed my Blu-Ray player and the videos. That Hail Mary made me laugh and then feel like shit.

I had given her a ring for her birthday this summer. She had been putting pressure on me that now I understand resulted in a change to her having infrequent sexual types of contact with me. That ring means that I will always make February, which is a hideous grief stricken month for her, and her birthday special as long as she lives here. I’m a great friend.

I don’t want to see her otherwise until some time has passed.

I’m not a fan of her behavior currently and don’t want to be around her energy.

I want to keep things simple, minimal and work on myself as I brave the world of dating true to me.

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Bday Weekend

Tesoro is working on a seemingly endless contract in Turkey. It’s trying and delaying the ripping off of our Band Aid for our chemistry test. I think in certain respects, she and I are both DM’ed out. We’ve written thousands of words to each other since August 5th. I matched with her at the end of June, and finally began to catch up with feelings that she’d been professing to me during the first part of the month. When I pick her up from the airport–whenever that occurs–so I can take her to her car–I’ll likely collapse against her. That will be nice because she’s 5’8″ and I can just tuck my head under her chin and get my arms around her for that first time. She looks like she smells really good and I want to run my fingers through her hair.

On Friday night, I went to karaoke with a few members of my bowling team, LA, one of my buddies from the Co-Ed Poly Discussion Group, Mini Boss, and a friend who named our bowling team. It was sooooo fun. One of them had a candle that fit a glass and lit it so I could make a wish. Everyone knows what I wished on my glass of water!

Saturday I volunteered clearing cottonwood branches all morning on a volunteer crew at a National Wildlife Refuge. These trees are almost invasive along some riverbeds. They tend to break a lot so they pose a wildfire danger if their branches which collect on the ground aren’t addressed. I loved the work; although, I got quite tired. Apparently, September 20th was a National Cleanup Day so the organization that I volunteered with gave all of us National Park Passes in addition to feeding us pizza. I love doing something that gives back to celebrate another year being alive.

Sunday I biked to the park and met one of my former work husbands. We walked a bunch and did a Farmer’s Market together and I bought him lunch there. I love this particular Farmer’s Market. And it was so good to catch up with him. Afterwards, as I have been doing for 3-years on Sundays, I lifted weights.

51 came and went. I feel solid. I’m looking forward to fall beginning tomorrow. This shall be the last summer entry for me, and what an eventful one it was!

by

Single

I’m pretty into details. More than most people really.

I’ve been alive 51-years this week.

I have spent 17 married.

I have been single and not really dating anyone for about 4-years since I started having sexual intimacy at about 16 or 17.

I started seeing my best friend in high school in covert way. I think that eventually, my parents knew about it. They didn’t talk to me about it. They said, “Leave your door open.”

The same thing happened with my college roommate.

I wanted to be someone who could pass for what is societally believed to be an average person.

I married a buddy. It’s maybe for the best that he was unambitious and also an alcoholic. I would’ve been married to him for 27-years last month.

I have done best historically when I have had weekly intimate contact.

I also was ok living with my college GF for 3.5-years and until we bought a house, I was fine living with my ex-husband.

When he quit his job, didn’t work for 8-months and the trash was overflowing and I got home from work to make dinner, I fought actively with him. It’s a lot of work to keep up a house, and I was doing everything. Looking back, he was depressed.

I’m reasonably sure that I can retire from these three roles that I am doing in 4-years. I’ve done one for about 25 total, and the other work I started 10-years ago. My plan is to take 5 Master’s classes and get a different license altogether. Then, I think that I can have a few in person clients where I conduct assessments, and because of COVID, I have a good home office that I can use for clients who will Zoom. I want to travel and can’t quite live off my pension, so I’ll need to work. And, I am a really good therapist.

I’m single. I don’t have a GF and she’s doing some boundary probing at the moment which is a pattern with which I am all too familiar in 2 past relationships.

I had therapy last night and vetted what I was thinking and actions that I’m taking and planning. My therapist mused, “Are you positive that you want to be friends with her?” And I am! I just need her to respect my boundaries.

Having a love interest who is over six-thousand miles from you and has been there for nearly three-weeks sucks really bad.

I’ve been slowly seeing how she and I are looking for things that are similar.

I was going to begin solo vacations every summer when the pandemic hit.

I camped and completed a gnarly summit on a rope team in 2016; although, at the time, I was married.

I’m pretty independent and free spirited.

I get so lonely on weekends.

I’m not even interested in doing all the slog that it takes to respond to matches on the app at the moment.

I have this incredibly beautiful woman with whom I began corresponding at the end of June. Now, here we are, walking into love with no physical confirmation. It’s so painful. I have no clue when she’ll fly home, how many minutes I’ll get with her when that time happens, and the only known is that I will have to wait until October 9th or 10th to have sustained time with her.

I think after that, we’ll know what we have and I think that it’s going to affect the way that I’m seeking relationship.

I’ve been leading group with the topic of empathy. I’m practicing that with myself, with my ex, and with Tesoro.

What would you do in my shoes?

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Request

It’s not a limit, it’s not a boundary and it’s not a rule for me either. I asked Tesoro last night if we could have a video call today. She’s read it, and I haven’t heard anything this morning. It’s afternoon where she is in Turkey.

As we have talked more on the phone, we have laughed more and she is getting much more comfortable with me.

I’m becoming drawn to her physically and really can’t wait at to test that out.

It’s difficult for me because we matched at the end of June.

We’ve exchanged so many hundreds of Teams DMs. That all started on August 5th. And here we are 6-weeks later and so obviously intrigued about each other and hopeful that our in person chemistry will yield something beautiful.

So, given our intense and frequent interactions, I want another video call.

We write back and forth all the time. We seem compatible via phone and definitely have some paper matching.

I’m a Virgo.

She’s a Capricorn.

In our Sun Sign, we are both Earth Signs.

I’m a Tiger.

She’s a Horse.

Source: https://www.purewow.com/wellness/tiger-chinese-zodiac-compatibility#:~:text=Tiger%20and%20Horse%20are%20two,move%20forward%20side%20by%20side.

It’s interesting that I have just found ease when we talk. She’s super mellow, and I’m glad that be attracting these types of folks after my marriage.

We laugh and are able to just talk.

Today, I’d like to see her.

If it doesn’t happen, I have already told her during the weekend that I’ll be pulling back a little bit until we meet in person. I don’t want to overextend my heart for something that has no confirmation yet.

I’m hoping that she can get home this week and it would be incredible if it was Friday for my birthday.

I have backup plans to sing with two members of my bowling team at karaoke if she doesn’t make it home.

And if she doesn’t schedule a video call today, I’m not doing anything rash.

It’s been so fun to have 7 pretty pictures of her, exchange all these messages, and talk to her a handful of times on the phone. Although the signal was horrible, I had to go outside and get under a tree and didn’t have on my glasses, I was grateful that we had a quick video chat a couple of weeks ago.

Honestly, having her to chat with has been helpful since all of my feelings since March with my ex-girlfriend who was always destined to be my friend. I had pent up those feelings as best as I could, and then began to date in May via the apps. Having Tesoro be unearthed via the app that I’m still on has been helpful all around.

I hope that we see each other in person soon.

A video chat would be helpful, so I’m putting out that request.

“Tesoro, I hope that we see each other on video today!”

by

Nah

The CEO liked makeup-breakup.

My ex-wife moved out more times than likely the years that we were together. I’d have to count and don’t want to do so.

My ex-girlfriend is falling into their categories. I’m not honoring her bullshit “soft breakup.” We’re done romantically.

Her brand of poly is hierarchical and involves the same “afterthought” versus “taken for granted” in terms of “veto” versus “concerns.” Fuck that.

I’m going to be her friend. And she is fun to be around. I learned a ton about communication and conflict in relationship with her for our year together.

I have a beautiful woman who I can’t wait to meet that I’m excited about. We have exchanged so many pages of DMs and when she called me on Tuesday she had me laughing with her irreverence and it was such an easy conversation. I wish that she wasn’t, at present, in a time zone 9-hours different than mine; however, I am so excited to meet her and begin to explore what we seem to be building. She swears to me that she’s worth the wait. 🥺

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Soft breakup

I went to my GF’s house last night. She landed on that this was a “soft breakup.” First she tried to say that we were breaking up.

Me: “When you processed everything this morning and throughout the course of the day you’ve landed on that your daughter needs your nervous system regulated. You’re not regulated right now because of my shitty energy and you can’t have that seeping onto you as it affects your daughter. Let’s be clear. You’re breaking up with me. I want to still date you. I’m starting to date Tesoro.”

That wasn’t the beginning though.

I walked in with a can of La Croix and asked if I could sit down and asked if she had stickers on her shirt.

She nodded.

Her daughter has been sick and decorated her.

Then we were silent and it was awful.

We’re both shrinks.

We can be silent for days.

Eventually I said, “I’ve apologized for everything that I can apologize for. You sent the TikTok to be supportive. You say my work is ‘fun’ and ‘exciting’ when I’m stuck there for 12-14 hours for no logical reason because I have a good job that pays all of my bills. You can say that I’ve been an afterthought and never taken for granted. I am not a great communicator. I am working on it. I don’t know how to bring up shifting feelings with you. It’s scary. I’ve always been the monogamous one in my poly relationships until now.”

“Do you believe that?”

Me: “Yes. And I think that words are so emotive at times particularly when they’re not delivered in person. With the afterthought versus being taken for granted mismatch of usage, it’s potayto potaughto. I have to be fit in because you don’t have time and I get short texts that I’d rather not get at all because you have little time and a lot of people rely on your for emotional support while you’re solo parenting. You told me how gladly you’ll take your limited free time back.”

“That isn’t exactly what I meant. That wasn’t my intention. Also, I need to apologize to you. Except with a supervisor after my Dad died, I have never directed profanity at anyone. I cussed at you and was yelling at you.”

Me: “You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“I feel like I do.”

Me: “I accept your apology and wasn’t offended by it and thought that your yelling and cussing made a lot of sense.”

“I feel ashamed that happened around my daughter. I am supposed to model being in control and resolving things.”

Me: “We are people and parents. You have shown her that sometimes losing one’s temper happens, and that we can do better. People talk through things after they’re angry. You modeled that her tantrums are also ‘normal.’ That helps kids ultimately to show them how human we really are.”

She was angry that I didn’t text goodnight or good morning. I said that I was upset and worried that she was going to breakup with me. Later I said that she could’ve texted either thing too. I didn’t want my messages to her to go on unread as it makes me feel like shit. I told her that I was worried that she would thumbs up my texts or not respond for hours. I don’t want to feel anxious.

I did, midway through, go down to my car to get her birthday present for my birthday to her (That’s a tradition that she does.), the game, the journal that I’ve been writing in daily for her and her daughter, my set of her keys, and the book that we were to use for weekly questions for each other every week during 2026. The only thing that was passive aggressive that she said is, “Play this game with Tesoro. I bought it for you.” It was shrink wrapped. I declined.

I stayed for two hours.

I told her that if her daughter doesn’t ask for me in a month that I will get her the splashpad and bike with the handle riding bar that is now affixed to the back. She wanted me to take those to her ex-husband. I’m a person and told her “No way.”

It was obvious as we talked that her daughter won’t ask for me. She loves me 1-1 and doesn’t like me dating her Mom because it divides her mother’s attention and makes her jealous so she asks me to leave. Having that acknowledged was a breath of fresh air and helped me sleep like a baby last night.

I have to talk to my son.

We’re supposed to go over there together when her daughter is sleeping to play a game (us three) together on the 25th. I want to do that. And then, just like with my ex-husband and ex-wife, I want to happily support the relationship that he wants to have with her going forward. Kids don’t break up with their parent’s significants. I think that we’ll meet her youngest brother when we play that game together, so it will be four adults. Her brother bought a plane ticket for his birthday which was Thursday. I didn’t know that he was a Virgo. She said that he’s her favorite person in the world. I told her that she simply likes mutable signs and their changeability. Her ex-husband and my former metamour is a Pisces and her best friend is a Gemini. We’ll see what my son’s preference is for the 25th.

Then she’s gone to Chicago. Then I’m gone for a long weekend three-days after she gets back with Tesoro.

She asked if our friendship can be monthly hangouts. I’m amendable. She’s so fun to talk to and has kind, sweet energy in person. We’ll see each other on October 20th. That leg of our conversation made her cry and again. She belabored the fact that I don’t know Tesoro and am dreaming about things that are not based off of reality.

Me: “What does that matter? I’m putting myself out there with dating as I have since May. We matched at the end of June, and I’ll finally meet her briefly on the 14th. It’s the ultimate ripping off of the Band-Aid. She calls my intensity real and raw. If she can tolerate it IRL, we’ll begin our journey together. And, I still hold that I wanted to stay in relationship with you and date you both.”

She calls this period a “soft breakup.” She wants me to basically get my energy together so we can resume what we had. Her ball, her court.

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Gallows

For someone who has never fought with a romantic partner, last night was off the chain.

Not that it’s new to me.

Women and even my ex-husband a couple of times when he’d been drinking cuss at me and flip out.

It’s because I showed some other people that TikTok to see if it was mean. The consensus was that it was passive aggressive. She swears it was because she and I beat the odds.

I asked her how’s that?

I asked about the ultimatum. I said it was a veto.

I told her that she wants to offshore me for sex, which is dangerous and will result in STIs for me as women who are sleeping with tons of women are not exactly practicing safer sex. I told her that it was empty. She told me that I’m incongruent. I said that I could’ve had sex on Wednesday and I don’t want to. I’m wanting two GFs and she’s hierarchical.

I told her that she has stuck her own “For Rent” Sign on my heart and no one can be there. It’s rented. I said that didn’t honor that my heart moves on it’s own as does another woman’s heart.

We didn’t land on anything.

She would only own that my thinking that I am an afterthought could be true.

She said that she will gladly take her spare free time back.

I guess that my feeling taken for granted is my “story line.”

I guess that my feeling hurt by that TikTok is projection.

The other stuff that we talked about was related to her “encouraging” me regarding that my 12-14 hour work days that include an activity sometimes in which I can’t see clients, because my clients don’t have transportation, but I still have to log those hours doing nothing being “fun.” After she explained her perspective on my having good jobs, I understood that. I told her that I don’t need any advice about work and going forward we could talk about it and I don’t want to text about it.

In fact, I don’t like texting with her much anyway. I haven’t in a really long time. She is sooooooo great in person and presents kind and sweet. That phone fight last night was awful and it did lay groundwork for today. I’m leaving for her apartment in just under an hour. It doesn’t feel great and is scary. I’m not a wimp though.

We’d be together a year on Monday, so I wrote out the anniversary card that I’d bought. I wrote in the last sentences that like I promised with her ring, every February can be made special and surprising as well as her birthday as long as she lives here. I can keep that promise.

I put my birthday gift to her (Her tradition is giving loved ones presents on one’s own birthday.), a dice game that she bought which is unopened, the journal that I’ve written in for her and her daughter daily since 1/1/25 (9/5/25 is the last entry), and her 52 questions that we’d planned to use in 2026 in a brown bag. I’ll leave it in the car until she’s done talking to me. Then I’m 95% that I’ll run down to the car, hand it to her and give her her keys back.

Tonight is about listening with compassion. We hashed everything out. It’s about my marching orders how she wants us to be moving forward.

I’d still like to see her for many days for the month of February. I’d still like to celebrate her birthday in July. I’d still like to teach her daughter to ride a bike. And none of these outcomes are up to me.

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Ultimatum

I think that I may have been given a thinly veiled ultimatum on Tuesday.

“And I’m less interested in being 1 of 2 girlfriends. My stance on that has been unchanging.”

I know that I told her in May that was what I was looking for, and it seemed really difficult. Until now.

I know that my GF is most comfortable with my having a Friends with Benefits (FWB) or Sexual Friendship.

However, that is empty.

Additionally, there is something bizarre to assume that one can contain the heart.

Tesoro and I seem to be walking into love, and that is our experience.

Saturday could be very sad and trying with respect to hanging out with my girlfriend.

It’s one of those dates that doesn’t cost me a minimum of $200. I’m just going over to her apartment to be with her for a few hours on Saturday night. Her daughter will be sleeping. Originally, I wanted her to play with my hair and massage my calves. That text on Tuesday and her stony silence that barely broke on Wednesday late at night and yesterday seems like she could be amenable. We’ll see. I’ll write again on Sunday.

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Tesoro

I have a new love interest. We had been DM’ing on the app since mid-July, I think. I don’t know in reality because she deleted the app.

I have this weird, shallow thing. I don’t look at women with brown eyes.

I’ve been that way my whole life too. My very first GF (hs) had brown eyes. The little liar did too. Otherwise, my GFs have had green or blue eyes.

I had her on possible matches and when I swiped her, it said “It’s a match!”

Then she started DM’ing me a week later. We may have matched at the end of June, now that I’m thinking about it.

Anyway, her DM game was good. Very good. Her sweetness shone through and she paraphrases and summarizes my answers to her questions. It’s like she writes as an extension of her listening skills.

We moved off the app at the end of July and began talking the first days of August. We use Microsoft Teams which is a wonderful app because it can thread conversations for specific replies. We also have tried video chatting on it and typically use it to call. The latter is a great, because she’s currently in Istanbul working for two weeks. I couldn’t believe that she called me at 2:30 in the morning her time her very first night! (We talked almost an hour.)

She is beautiful. Tall, fit, long limbed, and has high, lean muscles on her calves and shoulders. Her long hair is always neatly styled, looks soft, and she wears subtle makeup and is always dressed sporty, but sexy in photos that she sends to me. She has full lips, white perfect teeth and a killer smile.

I wasn’t sure that she was real, so I didn’t even talk to my GF about her until after I’d mentioned her to my GF’s best friend who said, “She looks like a model!” It turned out that she is real, and now things are progressing.

I’ve asked her to change her flight back to our state to Sunday the 14th. I hope that she can. I have that whole day free and could do anything to help her with her jet lag and take her all over too. I really want to meet her and see how our vibe is IRL.

She has an accent. I assumed that she was Latina. Well, I was wrong! She’s Mediterranean. In fact, the detail is interesting:

It’s interesting for three reasons personally. My lineage on the paternal side is highlighted. Where she was born is marked (above).

Parts of my roots are close to where she was born. Secondly, I’ve been OBSESSED with Vesuvius since 5th grade. And I mean obsessed! I studied it, read about it, watched documentaries, and looked at artifacts, etc. That volcano is under 6-miles away from where she was born. The final thing is something that my GF taught me. Apparently when women are fertile they are biologically attracted to men who don’t look like them. That goes away after one is no longer fertile. I think that I have shifted to being attracted to women in my middle age who could be closely related to me. All of these details give me pause. It’s like a pattern. Brains love patterns.

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TikTok

I woke up on Tuesday morning having slept really well to a TikTok by James Sexton regarding lesbian divorces characterized by knock down drag out fighting and prior Domestic Violence experiences. My initial reaction was “WTF?”

Then I realized that my GF had sent it for a reason, so I obtained a white paper and found out that due to intersectionality–being female and having less financial power and sometimes more impact on ability to achieve stability alongside being a sexual minority causes pain. Pain has to go somewhere. Researchers assumed that this intersectionality puts pressure in the female couple dyad.

It made me feel awful.

My divorce wasn’t amiable. She always told me that we had no foundation, and that was true.

I loved her for years and my love wasn’t enough. We got married when my son was in 3rd grade.

My Mom shattered her shoulder weeks after we had wed and my parents were both already declining. My son went off the deep end in 6th grade after his father had a breakdown and moved states at the end of 5th grade. Everyone was crumbling around me and I had no way to be enough or help significantly anyone who needed me. Nothing could become proactive or stable. Decline was all around us.

My ex-wife and I both have tendencies toward being reactive. It was a recipe for contention, but not physical violence. I’m glad that our marriage is over. I had filed once in 2019 and she had me reverse the filing. She filed in 2022 and became biromantic with men and is now married to a man and is living out of the country.

My GF and I went back and forth DMing in TikTok because she has it was “interesting” and “seemed to support” why my divorce was difficult from my ex-wife and not really from my ex-husband.

The whole thing was grossly oversimplified.

And I found it hurtful.

Last night we talked about it and she told me that she found it hurtful that I didn’t see how interesting it was and applied to my divorce. She said that we sometimes arrive at an impasse.

My GF is one of those women who is kind, caring and tends toward helping everyone out. I think that sometimes because she assumes positive intent, she doesn’t know how some of her assertions land.

I felt judged. I was hurt. I told her last night on our date that I want to feel safe, seen and secure. She said that she wanted that too. She was upset with me for not seeing why she sent me that particular TikTok.

I got up really early today. I didn’t sleep well because my new love interest who I was supposed to meet tomorrow had to fly abroad for work and will be gone two weeks. I misunderstood when her flight would get in and thought that it would be this morning in my time zone, but it will be late afternoon today. I shouldn’t have slept with my cell phone near me!

Because my GF and I had a date last night and were still talking about this difference of opinion, I went ahead and thought about the situation again. I still find it odd that she sent it to me and thought it would be helpful to me. Having conflict about TikTok is really weird.

I DM’ed:

“So, I watched it again and even through afterglow [dosage of psilocybin on Thursday night] it seems to say that lesbians have knock down drag out endings and high DV rates. Sorry, I don’t understand why you sent it to me. I’m just trying to be a good person and GF. I am also willing to slow down, monitor reactions that I have, and ask more questions for information. Making assumptions or jumping to conclusions [something that I have to continuously work on] doesn’t seem to result in abusive fights or domestic violence in my experience.”

So, she’s upset. And I’m less upset, but don’t see why that was the one that she chose to send to me.

Except for some animal videos, I don’t particularly like TikTok. If I can get my book designed, I will probably use it for my content, and it doesn’t seem to matter now because she hasn’t sent me anything on it since Tuesday at 1:06 am.

How can I reframe this problem? I don’t see my individual therapist for 12-days and would love feedback. It helps me to write and it also helps for people who read my entry to comment.

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Limit

I’m Solo Poly. There have been many times that we have discussed in groups that I belong to a rule, a limit and a boundary. People confuse them.

Rules are societal standards. You can’t yell “Fire” at the movies.

Rules in relationships are things like, “I cooked,” so you’ll clean the kitchen and start the dishwasher. They don’t typically apply to things that can’t be easily understood. Rules are almost perfectly black and white.

Boundaries are a lot more confusing. It’s like pushing on something that has been discussed and agreed to prior. It’s like saying, “I’ve asked you not to talk about money when we’re in social situations, and you did last night. I don’t want you to go back on the boundary that I’ve set for that topic.”

I’m setting a limit with _____. I haven’t done it yet, because she and I actively had some conflict.

We’d DM’ed most of the evening before when she and I rescheduled a video date and exchanged a few in the afternoon and then she went silent around 2:00 pm.

I sent a message that said, “5:00. Don’t fall asleep. Or go out to dinner. I can’t wait to see you on video.”

“I’ll try, darling.”

I video called at 5, 6, and 7.

In the morning, I sent an old school text. “I tried you 3x. I am not into a lack of specific communication. Feel free to come to _______ on 8/31 if you’d like to meet in person.”

Then I didn’t send anything.

And she freaked out.

Work was trying and busy the following day. We are missing two folks in assistant positions. It’s like a day treatment position for me. I also had to assess a threat that day. I had not a second and was teaching in person that night. I had to drive to campus. I left her a voice to text in the app when I noticed that she’d called and saw a couple of DMs.

_____ called 7 times in Teams. I just counted the number this morning while I am writing.

And we actively had conflict about it.

Saying that things come up is bullshit.

I have three full jobs. I also assess for a practice on occasion.

And she’s purportedly a “J” on Myers-Briggs!

I’ve told a colleague and my GF that she is either in witness protection or she has escaped an abusive ex-husband.

Regardless, that’s my limit. No more setting up video calls.

I always say that no one is born knowing how to treat you.

I have set a limit–mostly for myself–that I will call in the morning on 8/31 at a time that we come up with and won’t get in my car until she’s in hers. Then we can both drive three-hours into the mountains to meet in person.

Otherwise the limit, which I will voice, is that I don’t like avoidant behavior. See me in person on August 31st come hell or high water. Or that’s it for me hustling. I don’t chase.

If it doesn’t happen, “When you’re ready to come to the city that I live in, let me know ahead of time, and I’ll take you out to dinner.”

Of course I am hoping that I see her IRL on Sunday, August 31st. I am holding out this time. My GF said that I have some kind of thing for women who look like librarians.

Regardless, I’ve set a limit for myself.

What’s a rule? What’s a limit? What’s a boundary? How do you help love interests learn how to treat you?