Author Archives

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Drawing Board

I thought that we had a nice date. I hope that she’s not having buyer’s remorse. I’ve barely heard from her. If she cancels next Thursday, I guess that I can ask her before the music night that my best friend is hosting, or even when she confirms or cancels Thursday, if she wants to still hang out. She’s entangled with a guy who sounds like he has Avoidant Attachment. I tried very hard to get her to consider having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Her thing is that he is not even committed to her and it’s mostly FWB, so it’s difficult for her to see that scenario.

I was banned from Tinder. Hahahahahaha. They don’t give any information with regards to who reported you or why you can’t log in. I asked for a refund because you can’t file an appeal if your account has been shut off rendering you unable to login at all.

I tried another help ticket and got similar information. They don’t tell you anything. You just can’t login, which also means that you can’t make an appeal.

So, I made a HER account the following day and it just blows up. I can’t even keep up with it. I have a phone date to see if a walk is a good idea on Tuesday.

I finally get to hang out with my current GF 1-1 on Saturday. Thank you.

She had asked me in April to host a BBQ for her best friend, which I’m doing. I can stand and will ice and elevate between grilling. My knee still sucks bad. LA is making salads for it. I still need to run to Costco to get burgers and run by the bread store to get buns. I’m going to spend all day cleaning on Sunday.

My son and his new bromance helped me weed for an hour on Wednesday. It’s so nice to have help!

Unless something huge happens, I’m not going to write anything until mid-June. I don’t think that I’ve ever needed my Solo Vacation this badly.

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Ouch

In addition to the severe osteoarthritis that I have, I also have chondromalacia, and have written about the damage that I did to the cartilage behind my knee. I also have bone marrow edema in my femur. I’m in a ton of pain and need to connect with my neighbor–she offered–who is a Physical Therapist.

That’s not the main topic.

It does hurt like a MF though.

I don’t think that I mentioned that there was this gigantic man was coming up the stairs when my girlfriend and I were looking for a restaurant on May 3rd. I noticed his arms, because that tends to make me feel really envious. I always wish that I could get that big. My girlfriend told me that he was breathtaking later in the evening. I didn’t love that, because I want my date to be on a date with me and not looking at other people.

The Monday before we were seeing an author, and she asked me, “Are you having a ton of fun here? All the women are so tall! I have never thought of you as short and you seem so in this crowd.” I told her, “When I’m on a date, I don’t look at other women.”

I spoke with her directly on Mother’s Day about her lusting after the young, fit guy who was on a date with his girlfriend. I didn’t like it, and I told her.

It’s interesting to me that she texted something yesterday that seemed somewhat passive aggressive.

Baby Daddy is hideous. He has his daughter’s inheritance diamond unless he pawned it. I didn’t know until May 3rd it’s a replacement ring because my GF’s mother’s ring was “lost” alongside her jewelry box when the estate finalized after her Dad died. (My GF’s mother died when she was 10.)

Her new ring that I designed was to have her birthstone, her daughter’s birthstone and a diamond in it. My GF didn’t like that idea because she said it’d look like Christmas. She’s not wrong.

Anyway, the ring is mostly homage to her parents, but she likes that the light blue sapphire is somewhat a reference to my birth month.

There were issues with the ring getting here. It was really trying and upsetting me me. I texted her, “Does nothing work post-COVID?”

She texted, “Your sex drive seems to.”

I didn’t know where that came from. I texted that I’d not had sex since the 19th of April. Then I started processing–I process really slow–and told her that I certainly wouldn’t be having sex on Friday! I also move really slow.

She did call me in the afternoon yesterday and we had a nice and easy conversation. She obviously is feeling very hurt about me dating. A week ago she said that she didn’t think that it would move fast. I’m not sure why she’d think that.

I’m 50. I am fit. I am kind. I make enough money to not have financial reason to cohabit.

Why wouldn’t I have a date within a couple of weeks of making a profile?

I’m so excited for Friday. We were originally scheduled for Wednesday, but she had to change it because her ex-husband changed his dental surgery date. She didn’t feel good about someone post-sedation watching her 10-year-old son. His surgery was yesterday.

Friday night, is a “date night” as Keanu Reeves puts it in “Something’s Gotta Give.” I like that.

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Steady

After my doctor’s appointment–I am so glad that my son met me there after taking the bus–I made dinner for him, and made my girlfriend some Thai-inspired coriander chicken with broccoli. I went over there to talk. She had wanted us to watch a movie, and I thought that wouldn’t have been a good use of our precious time.

I find her the easiest person to be around because she’s mellow and accommodating. I was really tired and not super communicative.

We did talk about my new love interest. I have a couple videos of her which she sent (text) that I showed my girlfriend. My new love interest also has a large TikTok following so we watched one of her lifehacks together.

She said that she didn’t think that she looked straight and that I am prettier. I don’t agree at all. She’s conventionally pretty with large eyes and a great mouth. One of her appeals is her voice. It’s moderately deep and she has a great cadence.

My girlfriend did say that if she saw her in real life and her whole presentation that she might find her more attractive. And when I was telling her a few things about her she said, “She sounds like me.”

They are alike in many ways. They’re just over 7-years apart (April birthday and July birthday) and they are athletic / dancer types. They’re both extroverts. I don’t know what my new love interest played in high school and will ask about that on Wednesday. They had loss of a parent at young ages too. Neither one drinks and don’t want partners who drink.

My girlfriend explained that she had no idea that it would go fast. Meaning that I would talk to her on Saturday about beginning to date and make a profile the following day and then have a date within two weeks.

I told her about my location changes when I travel and she was somewhat shocked. I told her that a couple of women who I saw annually for something fun like a vacation would be ideal.

She told me, “You’re just more poly than I am.” I explained that while that is true that she loves her ex-husband more than me. And that’s factual so she agreed. I’m not sure that polyamory has degrees, but is likely expressed differently.

Then we talked about sex generally. I would never have sex with someone who I didn’t know again. I did that twice in my thirties. One relationship stuck for years and I’m still amiable, and have an infrequent, but am still in communication with one woman. The other one is one with whom I have no connection to whatsoever.

I think it takes about three-months to begin to know someone.

I met my new love interest in November and have only just now reconnected.

I want to see how our date goes on Wednesday, and I also want to kiss her if it goes well.

I wonder how our pace will go?

When I talked to her on the phone, I told her that I go pretty slow. She was glad about that. She hasn’t been with a woman in many years and was married for 12 to a man.

I think that slow and steady will also have some benefit for my girlfriend.

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IRL

I think that I’m just better with in person meeting. Years ago, I met one woman on Chemistry.com and we just spent a couple of weekends together. A friend ran an OK Cupid for me and I had a couple of months of dates with a tall, blue-eyed flute player. However, online dating is pretty difficult.

I had a very cool thing happen on Tuesday. I was scrolling through Tinder before I went to a meeting and saw the girl who hugged me and rubbed her hands all over my body at Karaoke Thanksgiving week. I had her number anyway so I texted her about seeing her profile and we exchanged a few texts. I told her that I’d take her to dinner outside of the context of Tinder. I asked for a phone call.

Again, in real life stuff (IRL) is how I roll.

Yesterday, she asked me to go roller skating alongside the women who she and her best friend had met at karaoke in November. (One of my friends was dancing and making out with her best friend that night.) She texted only me and I asked her if she would like me to forward that text to these women. I haven’t roller skated since 7th grade and would be terrible now, and can’t anyway given my knee. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me or go out in a group. She didn’t answer that, and instead began a long text exchange with me. I even left work late!

I’m so looking forward to our phone call. She wants to go to karaoke in a group before our date, but I think that I’m just too busy this weekend.

I am unsure what’s going to happen with my girlfriend. She had texted me fairly late yesterday a laughing emoji with the words “How is active dating going?” I just called her.

I had the tough conversation with her on Saturday, and I think that my position isn’t understood. I don’t understand hers either, so because she thinks that I’m being aggressive, I told her that I’ll just talk to her on Friday. She has a friend here from Chicago anyway.

I would rather, and this isn’t shocking being that I’m Solo Poly, just continue to date her when she makes plans with me. We have some really wonderful things in our relationship and she’s the nicest woman whom I have dated. Saturday was no exception. It was a nice date.

I’ll see Friday if she wants to be friends. I have named that directly and kicked it around frequently since March, so I’m fine with that. I don’t want to fight about a lack of sex anymore. That’s just weird and goes nowhere.

I’m very excited for my phone call with the woman whose Tinder profile I saw after having met her in person in November. She is about 5’10”, has a fantastic body, hazel eyes and sandy brown hair that she highlights. I have called out that I am ten-years older and she texted that she’s always drawn to older people. She has a ten-year-old, which means that she had him at the exact same age that I had my son. She’s also a Taurus, which is easy for me given that I’m in my element. She knows about my GF and that I’m Solo Poly. After we go to dinner, I’ll write an update.

I may write another one on Sunday after Mother’s Day stuff with my GF and our kids depending on how the weekend goes.

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Oops

I think that I write all the time about how I’m really good with computers–I don’t really like them–due to having strange software all the time at all of my jobs. I’m not good at apps.

I had to ask my son why my profile wasn’t completed. Turns out that within a submenu there was a scroll down that wasn’t marked. 🤦 So, my profile is 90% going and I pay for Tinder Platinum. The sad thing is that being Gen X, I only loosely understood swiping left makes a woman disappear! Hahahaha. Goodbye forever, Beautiful Woman.

I’m a tool. I should write that on my profile.

I’m going to use it marked where I live for a month, and then move my location to Chicago for a week in June, as I’m going to Lake Michigan. I’m going to Rhode Island (never been there) for a lesbian event at the end of July and will move my location again.

So far, it’s mildly reinforcing. However, when I talked to my girlfriend at the end of our date on Saturday she said, “Wait, you want a girl with no STIs, who can sleep with as many girls as she wants, but only one man, and you want to slowly get to know her?”

Hopefully, for paying $7 a week, it won’t just sit. If it does, I’m going to have to try to get really creative.

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Knee

Five-days after I last wrote in my blog there was a sloppy, snowy puddle in a dark stairwell at one of my sites. I should’ve been more careful, because a 15-year-old who I was walking out after our session fell there 20-minutes before. I helped him up. He had scrapped his shin. I thought “Don’t wear Crocs.”

Except that the stairwell is really dark when it’s overcast, so I didn’t see the puddle and fell at the base of the staircase. My leg went under and behind me. The knee hyperextended. All my weight fell on it. I had to awkwardly pull my leg out from under me. I tried to do the group that is scheduled, but my knee just kept swelling. I had to call our Human Resources Department and then get a case number and head to Urgent Care.

Although it happened on the 3rd, I had problems with the insurance adjusters. I didn’t get a MRI until the 30th. The Physician’s Assistant called me yesterday. It’s three things. Two are old things. One is brand new. I have damaged all the cartilage behind my knee cap.

I have severe osteoarthritis. This diagnosis isn’t shocking. My leg was in a full leg plaster cast for 14-months as an adolescent. I didn’t get a walking cast for a long time and then had to rehab my knee for a couple of years.

I have chondromalacia. I was born knock kneed on my left leg, and then getting hit by a car and having 7 fractures was largely unhelpful.

I will finally see the Physician on Friday. However the Physician’s Assistant told me that what is likely is that he’ll send me to the Orthopedic Surgeon for a consultation.

I’m in very good physical shape for 50. I have a realistic, yet mostly positive outlook. I think if I’m being honest with myself, it’s really a matter of timing and figuring out the best way to get a total knee replacement down the road or sooner.

It’s been very sad for me to do a super long hike quickly and then be like someone in her 70s coming back down. I am so slow with downhill anything. This issue has been going on for a long time. Now, it’s so much pain that I haven’t been able to bike to work, run on the treadmill or do the elliptical, had to quit bowling and couldn’t be on either of the kickball teams this spring.

Oof. Any thoughts?

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Phases

When I had a two-year-old, I was single. Two is a tough age generally. The good thing about it is that they can talk, and the bad thing about it is they are still a baby.

She came over yesterday afternoon and gave me a big smile in her car as she was parking in my driveway. She wasn’t wearing her glasses so her green eyes were not obscured and beautiful. I like them when it’s overcast.

My dog got so excited that she pooped in the house and there was a loose dog outside too that I thought maybe my neighbor had adopted, but he just put it in his backyard and said he’d call. The little dog had a collar on. We finally got into my house and I took her hands and led her back to my bedroom.

My son was studying at the library yesterday.

I know that much of our obstacles are her getting used to seeing someone who doesn’t want to co-habit or remarry. However, she has said that now she likes having all of her parenting choices within her sphere of influence and that is easier in most respects.

Anyway, Baby Daddy is a piece of work. No financial, emotional or any support. He’s not seen her daughter in a couple of years and he texts “Hi,” late at night and ignores all of her texts of pictures that she used to send. He also has or has pawned a 3/4 karat diamond that he has had in a safe for their daughter which was my girlfriend’s mother’s ring. He ignores texts my girlfriend sends to ask to get it back. He’s an asshole.

The ring makes me feel awful. For that reason, I am working with a jewelry designer who I know to make a white gold ring with rhodium overlay. There will be a lab diamond and two gemstones. Hers is a ruby and her daughter’s is an emerald. I want her daughter to inherit something given that her dad may continue douchebaggery.

Yesterday after we’d connected and talked a bunch, I asked her if she wanted to go get some food.

She said that she needed to get her finger sized. (I was super concerned that she wouldn’t wear / like her birthday present so told her about it on Tuesday after we were getting a late bite after the concert.) I told her that she’s a 5. She said her finger is bigger. There is no way.

However, we went to an expensive European jewelry store in our expensive shopping district. She’s a 5.5 and she barely listened to me, but believed the proprietor when she explained European sizing, bandwidth, and when it’s cold not wanting it to slip away forever. She texted the designer her size when we left.

Then we picked up fast casual burgers and I ate mine in the car. She told me that she can’t believe how fit I am with how much I eat. She said that her ex-husband couldn’t do that either. I told her that I exercise a lot and she said, “Not really. When I was doing various tris and marathons, I was in the gym an hour a day everyday.” I didn’t tell her that a mother could never do that. And that’s true. You can’t do lots of things that you’d like to do with a kid. Some of your previous self never comes back.

I asked her if I could tag along to the daycare school and hang out with them. We talked about interesting clients on the drive over. Her daughter was stoked to see me. We all played at the park together and then I asked her not to take the highway back to her house but take street because I intended to bail out when she was at a stoplight. I did and walked home.

I’m so glad that we talked through this conflict. I can’t wait to blog about what she does for plans for us this upcoming month. We’re in different phases of life. It doesn’t change how much of my heart she has.

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Adjustments

My girlfriend drove over to my house on Tuesday afternoon and we left for the concert. We were chatting and she said, “Well, there’s an elephant in the room.” I said, “You’re going to make me talk about this now instead of Sunday?” And she said, “I think I am.”

I told her that we’d been dating nearly 7-months and she hasn’t made a single plan. I told her that I had realized that after I ensured that February was a good month with lots of varied plans and we’d even had sex once which wasn’t my expectation. Her experience of February is a month marks all kinds of tragic reminders and anniversaries, so with getting through it well, I thought that we’d be solid. Then I realized that March was less plan heavy and included some expectations not being met after they were decided on. I figured that April and May could go by if I didn’t hustle with date planning.

I can’t do casual.

I need to matter.

She told me to talk to my former metamour (ex-husband). I told her absolutely not and that I didn’t want to talk shit about her with him. She said that was harsh. But, that’s what it would be. I don’t need to complain about my girlfriend to her ex-husband. I get that she isn’t good about planning and such. However, I told her that April was a call to adventure and if she wanted to see me, she has to make some plans.

She told me that it made a lot of sense.

Yesterday we were supposed to have pizza with her ex-husband to have a belated birthday celebration and then he wound up bringing his new family. I couldn’t talk to her about the changes in plans because I had fallen asleep and then had a massage. She wound up cancelling the babysitter.

I was grateful when she said that she understood that I didn’t want to go. And they all had a ton of fun. There were five of them. I wouldn’t have, and would’ve felt compelled to pay and wouldn’t have wanted a $200 or more bill. It all worked out.

She called me last night to tell me about their night and a tooth that she needs to have repaired. The crown popped off. Hopefully, I can still see her today. I get it if I can’t, and won’t trip out.

I think that we’re just working on our stuff. Some of it is mine. I don’t like ever being an afterthought. I also need to feel desired and be top of mind for a girlfriend. I’m so interested in what April will entail.

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Comet

Almost 7-months of dating.

Oof. I’ve made all the plans for us less NYE and did add dinner to her plan because I wanted some time with her 1-1.

I’m also at a point wherein I’m not getting enough physical intimacy. That is something that I want and sometimes feel like I need.

I tried to have a friendship conversation with her on Saturday the 8th and she cried and was really upset. I think that we have been like friends all month though. She asked me, “Do you hug and kiss your friends?”

I do.

I also would be perfectly comfortable holding a friend in a bed to comfort her.

We have really fun plans this week. I told her on the phone last night that I don’t want to color those plans so we’ll have a talk on the 31st at some point. I hope that it’s not at night. I hope that it’s not in the running car while her daughter is “napping.”

In fact, now that I’m writing about it, I realize that I would pay for the super expensive older babysitter too. I don’t know if that’s on the table though because she’s her daughter.

It’s horrible, but if she doesn’t have clients that night, we may have to have the conversation at 7:30 that night. That is always a difficult time for her because it’s like her afternoon and she is intermittently sleepy.

Her sleep is 11 pm to 12 am until about 3 or 4 am. She’s up for an hour, and the she goes back to sleep until 9 or 10 am. She’s done this since her daughter was sleeping through the night.

It’s no secret that I’m both intense and passionate. I took a picture of what a friend wrote in our sophomore yearbook and sent it to him yesterday afternoon.

In 1991, he wrote, “Keep playing your guitar. For some reason, you reminded me of a big rockstar or something.” Yesterday as we were texting back and forth with him and he added, “And me writing that makes so much sense in my head still! Like you’ve always had this big energy that’s so uniquely you!!”

I endorse the quote by Naomi Wolf too. “Do nothing without passion.”

So, here’s my idea for the last day of the month. And, I want it to be that day if it’s even remotely possible.

I haven’t made a single plan for us in April.

I want to be her comet. When she feels moved to see a ballet, a show, eat Thai, BBQ, etc., she can text me. I’m totally down paying. Now that my career is filled out, I make lots of money.

I also want to be around at those rare times when running her practice, full-time parenting and managing her life leaves room and desire for sex.

However, she can text me. Things are feeling way out of balance. And it’s lacking passion.

I want to be there when it makes sense for both of us. It’s not right now.

And, I get it. She went from wanting a nesting partner and trying to get me to be convinced that I want to remarry, to not wanting a stepparent for her daughter, to now loving all her solo time that she rarely gets. She still wants a girlfriend though. And I’ve not felt like her girlfriend this month. I think that she needs to think about that a bit. I want her to hear my perspective and see what she thinks.

For my part, right now, I’d like to be her comet.

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Tinder

I thought it was for elicit sex and hookup culture. It’s not if you pay for it.

Ballet Dancer and I are going to a brewery on St. Patty’s Day and then we’re going to a Lesbian Tiki Bar the following Saturday. She’s a professional dater. For real.

She told me about a paid Tinder account wherein you change your location at intervals. Let’s say for example that you want to meet some women in Balboa Park (San Diego) and in Beacon Hill (Boston). Well, you pay for an account which only other paid members see and then toggle your locations off and on.

I could get down with that approach.

Years ago a colleague told me that I was single only because I’m me. She ran an OK Cupid profile for me and I had a hot thing with a 6′ flute player with dark brown hair and blue eyes who was from Manhattan and moved here to get out West. The only problem was that she wasn’t someone who I would’ve organically ever run into and she had weird communication skills.

I had my own Chemistry account and saw a Cowgirl for a month who would drive 4-hours. We had two nice weekends together, but not enough to do anything like a relationship.

So, I had written off swiping.

I had a weak moment last spring and almost made a FEELD account, but I’m terrified of swingers in my city and surrounding area seeing my profile.

Now, I’m thinking about a paid Tinder account…

Let’s talk about dating apps… What’s your opinion of them generally?

It’s the way that you operate that matters
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Week

My stylist had food poisoning last weekend so I didn’t get my hair cut or my highlights redone until Saturday. She was super efficient and my hair looks good. It’s really short and angled now. I love it.

I had way too lofty goals over the weekend, but did get several things accomplished.

  • I broke down the gel packs and wash them all for recycling. I have a gigantic apricot tree that will appreciate the water and non-toxic material that becomes moisture over time.
  • I took everything off of the patio
  • I used my neighbors’ pressure washer on the patio and around my French doors
  • I got rid of the plastic outdoor furniture less the chaise chair that I can use to get little bits of sun in my bikini.
  • I completely emptied the BBQ rack and moved it to the corner of the patio where the Weber and the chimney to start fires are
  • I put tools in my new shed
  • I placed a hold on the book for next Saturday night from the library for Book Club

My son came home from his girlfriend’s parents’ house on Sunday and we talked through retaking his exam, scheduling and my paying for a driver’s test, and his emptying the patio with my help.

He had a weird week and was moody and rude.

I had plans with the Ballet Dancer, but she’s been sick for a couple of weeks and has a hideous cough. I texted the Realtor / Photographer, and she was being kind saying that I could join her and housemate, but I don’t know her new housemate, so it could get very weird. I’m not usually a fan of strangers except in short bursts. I can meet strangers in activities. I like to bowl and play kickball most and have taken a few outdoor classes. Ballet Dancer is the only friend who’s stuck who I met in a class.

Monday I averaged 145 which is better for bowling. On Tuesday I worked in person with the students and it was also better than average. I saw two movies in the theater this week.

Wednesday: Did you know that Kubrick made a Hollywood style heist film? “The Killing” was good!

  • Sterling Hayden was the only actor who I recognized, but the others were really good.
  • It was quickly paced and short for a film in the 60s
  • There was a lot of humor
  • I don’t know why, but it reminded me a bit of “Strangers on a Train,” and I’m generally a huge fan of Hitchcock

Thursday: I saw “On Becoming a Guinea Fowl”

  • Girls in their early 20s reflect on being raped as adolescents by a village elder who has at least four victims–those who you meet in the film anyway
  • The elder, like all the men in the film, is tolerated and excused for violent behavior. Other men in the film seem immature and entitled.
  • It had wonderful cinematography and I thought that the metaphor was well framed in the film
  • It was a very sad movie

I teach tonight after the day job, but it’s on Zoom and is really easy. I really enjoy this group of students too.

I finally see my girlfriend tonight. It will be incredibly brief, but it will be so nice to catch up with her in person. We always text, and I have spoken with her on the phone Monday and Thursday for about half-an-hour each time, but in person is always much better. I’ll see her for about an hour on Saturday night too. Tomorrow, which is Saturday, marks 6-months of us dating.

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Demons

I have a somewhat comprehensive evaluation that I’m completing today. I’m going to take all the kits and materials up to the practice office and get set up there. I am getting the dreadful COVID vaccination late afternoon, so I’ll probably be running fevers and generally feeling awful all night.

Yesterday, we took my girlfriend’s daughter to a Valentine Fundraising Event late afternoon, and then I stopped by WF and picked up food for my girlfriend to eat after we hung out and had adult time together.

Last Saturday she and I did a fancy dinner and saw a sexy ballet.

My girlfriend is another shrink. She has done the gamut: behavior tech, lead therapist in a Residential Treatment program, prison work, private practice, working for a large company with clients who are dually diagnosed and in recovery etc. Suffice to say, you can’t hide much from this woman.

I wouldn’t want to anyway.

She’s really easy to trust.

I’ve never been treated this well in a romantic relationship.

Our kids have spent some holiday time together and such. She knows that two weeks ago my son mixed LSD and lots of marijuana. He’s lucky he’s ok. I guess his Dad is too.

My girlfriend wanted to understand what my thought process was when I let my ex-husband 7 drinks loaded get into his girlfriend’s car and drive home when he was “babysitting” our son who was still very much in the throes of paranoia and other problems coming down from substances and his having not eaten much all day.

I told her last night that I didn’t care what happened to him. I don’t know why that is either. Last night I told her that he has rarely showed up for our son in 19-years.

I didn’t tell her this stuff, but I’ll write it:

  1. He paid child support most all of the 18-years
  2. Except when he had a breakdown and moved states, he saw our son every other weekend for about 36-48-hours each weekend
  3. He made sure that our son had Halloween costumes and usually dressed up with him
  4. He taught him more board games and also historical niche games that no one knows
  5. When my second marriage was crumbling, he housed our son off and on for close to 2-years

He’s an alcoholic.

One time when we’d been married a year or under, he threw up in the sink. I was so angry. He called me a bitch.

When I finished my first round of grad school and we had a party at my parent’s house, he drank 8 beers and was talking to my second girlfriend’s fiancé in hiking boots and tighty whities.

He got a DUI and lost his license for just over a year in 2008.

My son explains that he was either laughing loudly at things that aren’t funny or falling asleep with a can of beer in his hand for an evening activity when he lived with him.

It didn’t even register to me that he shouldn’t drive home that Sunday. I just wanted him out of my house. I was also fuming that he can’t be sober or drink lightly when he’s taking care of our son who did something stupid and juvenile that could’ve had catastrophic consequences.

I’m going to talk about the situation in therapy. I’m glad that she brought it up to me.

Please comment. No shame or blame for confrontation.

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Magazines versus a Newspaper

I’ve given a ton of Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children test events. There was a question on an old version of it within the Verbal domain that asked kids to think about why it’s important than getting the news from a newspaper rather than a tv news program.

What would David Wechsler think of the Internet?

Of Tik Tok?

Anyway, I just subscribed to “The Atlantic,” and am enjoying the digital articles about current events. I still scan The Times most mornings; however, it’s less enflaming to read a magazine for me…

How do you get your news? Do you read a picture magazine or the digital version? Do you get newsprint on your hands still daily or once a week?

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Hodgepodge

My son experimented mixing two drugs with his friends at his friend’s parents’ house last Saturday night.

He lost his expensive headphones that I got him for Christmas, his keys on my old teenage keychain, and a climbing sling that was bought when we were visiting my former sister-in-law and her family, so it can’t be replaced.

My ex-husband got drunk watching our son for 4-hours.

The Ballet Dancer and I had a dinner–well, I ate–and a romantic concert in an 140-year-old school house in the hills and walked out under the stars Sunday night.

Too bad that the previous sentence was what was going on at home during our date.

Barring any emergency, I’m done speaking to my ex-husband.

It’s really awkward to leave a site after working there for 7-years.

ICE raids made Wednesday very difficult at work.

When you’re dating someone and typically only text between mostly weekly dates, things can get misconstrued.

I would’ve talked about my 5-month-old relationship in therapy, but had to process the first two sentences of this entry with my therapist.

I like micro dosing. I am going to have a full dose with supervision from a practitioner in July.

I made an appointment with our old family therapist who we had even seen during the pandemic.

I paid $21 for 2 dozen eggs on January 26th. I have to buy them again this weekend, and am worried that they’ll be $30.

I had a clean–from my perspective–appetizer and connection with the Realtor last night.

I don’t drink. Sometimes when I’m really thirsty or hungry and have been under stress, I want a beer. I drink Coconut La Croix.

If I’m out, I pound Club Sodas with lime while other people have a glass of alcohol or a couple of glasses of wine. I smuggled in two cans of La Croix to bowling on Monday. I only averaged 122, but did bowl a 181 in my final game.

My paycheck from my main job hasn’t cleared my account. I have to pay my mortgage.

My pay from the monthly teaching job has been reduced by over $400, so I emailed the Dean.

I need to go to the Book Designer on the 17th or 18th.

I can’t believe how much pet hair is all over my living room and furniture.

I have a dinner and hot ballet date with my girlfriend tomorrow.

Woof.

Have you ever had a week wherein you have to keep your head down and soldier on? How are you feeling now that we know that climate change impacts the way in which we eat and how much water we have for everyone? What do you think about the oligarchy? Fascism? How are your finances? Can you distract yourself with romance and entertainment when the whole world is seemingly going mad?

Enjoy this patterned bear nestled in the Smokies. Answer any questions that you see fit.

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Goals

I have this goal. I want to be a 150 average pin bowler. Last night, I crept toward it.

I bowled 170 in this first game and then had this hideous wrist twisting, side hitting game wherein it was 122. My final game was 147 only because I finished strong. Averaging 146 is flirting toward my goal, and I’ll take it.

Like everything, as soon as I get in my head, I can’t do very well.

That quality affects my climbing too.

The last topic to consider in this entry is that only one of our teammates wasn’t drinking at all. I am the only one of us four who completed a dry January. The thing is that it’s not a dry January for me. I just don’t drink anymore.

The main art museum here has a children’s friendly show, and I noticed driving home from work yesterday that it’s in its final weeks. I called my girlfriend so we can all three go together. I had planned it and it was going to slip away if I didn’t get tickets. We talked for half-an-hour last night.

Her ex-husband, who used to be my metamour, can’t wait until Saturday to have a drink. I told her that I’m looking forward to going to a beer garden on Lake Michigan that her best friend recommended to me in June. What’s been derivative for me having my last drink on December 30th is that alcohol is an easy substance to get dependent on.

I wouldn’t even really call my lack of drinking except once in a Blue Moon (That beer mostly sucks.) a goal. I’ve just had a change. And it was time. LA now has a gout flare up and is limping around.

Do you play sports? What are your sports goals as you age? Have you ever set a goal and it turns out differently than the one that you set?

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Boredom

I will forever be grateful for the woman who runs our Women’s Discussion Group. I know that she pushed my girlfriend to text me back in August of last year. I don’t think that I ever would’ve lingered and talked to her because 1) I thought that she was straight, and 2) I don’t often approach women.

I’m not sure if I trust my instincts with women who I’m drawn to. I have been with avoidant folks.

I went to the Women’s Discussion Group Leader’s birthday party on Wednesday at hibachi.

Then I got bored.

Next, I got mad.

Her girlfriend was 45-minutes late, held up dinner for 14 people, and the pacing for food got strange.

I just wanted to leave.

It meant that afterward, I could only connect with my girlfriend in her bed for just under half an hour. She has a gazillion things that she has to do before she starts her parenting and workday the next day.

I get really irritated with folks who are inconsiderate.

What are your hot buttons with respect to people?

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Moderation

I haven’t had a drink in 15-days. I didn’t crave beer at bowling last night, and I think it’s largely because the beer there is just ok. It’s also massively overpriced.

I’m not a sommelier. I don’t make beer. I can’t drink hard alcohol, because I almost immediately fall asleep when I do so.

I realized last week that I largely drink because I’m hungry. It’s quick sugar for me.

Since the pandemic, I would have one more beer if I had a stressful day. Otherwise, I was simply getting some calories into my system, which one knows are simply sugar.

I am still very funny without an ounce of alcohol. I don’t need it to be me. And last night, I was realizing that I am louder when I’m drinking because I was a quiet bowler and celebrator.

However, I’m wondering which of my friendships are beer friendships.

I can imagine that I will have some shifts…

It’s not that I judge what others are doing. I am just waking up. I saw LA as a vacation alcoholic and probably solo alcoholic when she met me at the end of my birthday trip last summer. Then, I am still in the planning stages of how we’ll intervene with my former colleague. I just don’t want to have my own clouding right now.

I am super close with five sets of my neighbors on my street. Two came over Sunday night to drop off a New Year’s gift and we talked. The man in this DINK couple is doing dry January… His wife told me about 2 intervention conversations that she had to lead with two friends.

Alcohol suspension and disuse is all around me.

I read this article today and a few points were similar ones that I’ve made when I entered this period of non-drinking. I will drink again, but I don’t know when. I know that I won’t be drinking excessively ever. I never did that much anyway, and was simply dependent.

I also finally have a plan for beginning psychedelics.

Before it was legal, I spent about 18-months to a couple of years smoking marijuana. I completely stopped when I was in a suite with friends and was convinced that a helicopter was landing on me and that dominoes on the table were going to crash and break. I don’t even care to try strains of it that friends recommend to me. I don’t like it. I hate what it does to me personally.

What do think dependency is? What is an addiction?

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Freedoms

I’m an 8 on Enneagram. I’m solo poly. I’m introverted. I guess that you could say that my personal freedom is incredibly important to me and is inextricable from my personality.

After I get the prologue to my book done and have whatever concluding materials I need, I’ve been thinking about making a TikTok account.

I don’t love the platform. I think that the algorithms promote you staying on it for hours. I also think that it preys on young girls to compare themselves to bots and folks who are way more than airbrushed. Some kids use it to roast and even bully each other when kids post themselves dancing–they’ll make fun of the person who’s danced.

Now, it’s in the news and arguments are being addressed via the Supreme Court. Opponents say that China uses it to spy on the activities of Americans. They also say that you can’t find information about Israel or Tibet on it. I’m no software engineer, but think that sounds plausible.

What is your usage of social media? Do you read the news on newspaper websites or in an old school paper? What do you think about with respect to platforms gathering our data and infringing on our privacy? Finally, are you on TikTok?

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Normalized

I have a list in my Netflix, but didn’t have the bandwidth last night for starting a new series. As Google is always monitoring and listening in, I saw a Harrison Ford movie article on my phone. I realized that I’d seen it as soon as it started streaming. I think I saw it when I had a DVD subscription to Netflix. However, I couldn’t remember how the premise tied everything up, so I watched it with my cell phone handy.

My girlfriend has Flu A. Because I was sick over Thanksgiving week, which is a week that I never work, I didn’t get a flu or COVID shot. That means that I have Flu A too, but I’m not running a practice or raising a toddler, so I simply have a sore face and jaw today. Yesterday sucked and I slept 11-hours in total. She ran a fever of 107 at one point last night and that’s so scary. She’s taking her daughter into the doctor today.

I texted back and forth with my girlfriend and few other folks and watched, “The Age of Adaline.”

This post isn’t about suspending disbelief.

It’s not about medical miracles or neurology.

It’s about alcohol.

I’ve had nothing to drink since 12/30/24.

I go back to work tomorrow, and there will be reasons that I justify for myself to have 1-2 beers.

I won’t though.

Alcohol usage is so normalized.

Let’s get back to this movie.

The love interest tells the protagonist that lovers and glasses of wine should never be counted when she says that she doesn’t want another drink.

The protagonist and her love interest split a bottle of wine in a 1950s convertible that is sitting in a warehouse. They’re not eating.

The characters eat a little bit of dinner and drink two different wines and then have cognac at night.

I don’t think that without my choice that I’ve made, I’d ever have given these scenes a second thought. However, watching the copious amounts of booze that’s consumed in this movie about never aging is alarming. Alcohol is the normal backdrop of every evening shot in the film.

What is your favorite series or movie? Do the characters drink? How much? Why do you think that drinking is a “normal” part of our collective habit?

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Bad Ways

The Photographer and I had a walk and lunch yesterday. I was shocked that she said yes when I texted her that it was a shot in the dark, but would she be able to meet up with me? I asked her if she and I could walk and then I’d take her to lunch. It’s her birthday very shortly, so I wanted to do that.

Initially, I had plans with Vegan, and she was operating under the information in a text rather than our calendar notice so we didn’t get much time together. She may have been a little irritated with me, but I still saw Vegan.

The Photographer had been travelling with a new partner. They were all over Brazil, which is an easy lift for her as she is multilingual. Their trip sounded magical. I was so happy for her.

Until lunch.

There are just bad ways to do polyamory. I know that often discussion group leaders say that you can do polyamory any way that you want to, but I don’t agree.

The Photographer’s partner had been emailing off and on with her ex of 3.5-years. On their trip, she learned that they would be meeting up. She asked her how she felt about that. And her partner kept saying that she had no feelings and would feel like she felt when they met.

Well, they both felt some kind of way.

They spent NYE together.

The Photographer had to make quick plans with her friends so as not to spend it on her own.

The Photographer has been dating lots of people right now. She’s a great date. It’s funny because she’s a great date even when you’re not on a date!

While on these dates, she has had people who have dated her partner say that her partner has told them not to date the Photographer. Her partner is also going out on dates with other people who date her ex and she is talking to them also about not dating her. She wants the Photographer, her current partner, and her ex to be at her disposal. The Photographer also told me that she is seemingly incapable of romance and doesn’t plan any dates with her.

The Photographer said, “You look angry.” I said, “Of course, I’m angry! I am an 8. And this is confusing and shitty behavior.”

I told my girlfriend about it last night and she said that it gives polyamory a bad name.

Except that this morning, I don’t think it’s polyamory.

I think that the Photographer’s partner is manipulative, unethical, and wants to control people and that has nothing to do with her sexual orientation or how she designs relationships with another person.

I think that if you’re going to be in concurrent relationships that all people at the very least need to know one another. Hopefully, they’ll be friends, but you can’t control that! I’ve had a terrible experience in 2009 – 2010 because I wasn’t allowed to exist to my girlfriend’s other partner. I should have broken up with her then.

I run this difficult balance of being protective and letting go while watching others engage in interactions that will hurt them. I think that writing about her this morning has helped me. I’ll just wait for her to text me after she’s met with and talked to her partner. I want to support her fully.

How do you listen to your friends when you know that they’re putting their hands in a bear trap?

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Sober

My metamour is doing a dry January.

I have decided to not drink until after Groundhog Day, and I may stop for 60 or 90-days.

My colleague who almost died is probably 80-pounds again. We got her out of the house moving her walker so she wouldn’t fall on her face on Christmas Eve. It took us 3-4 minutes to get her into my colleague’s house. Everyone had to tend to her.

Her neuropathy is so bad that she can’t bare weight on her feet really. I didn’t know that neuropathy is related to having liver disease.

She smelled like Listerine after my son got her into my car on Christmas Eve.

Then she was drinking a glass of white wine. She fell asleep right after gifts and she bitched about her gift.

I can’t do a dysfunctional relationship.

I can abstain from alcohol at bowling, karaoke, after I’ve had a hideous day and I am cracking 1-2 beers while I cook.

I am doing some of it because I promised my colleague that I’d do 30, 60 or 90-days dry with her. When I said that she said that she didn’t know which she wanted, because that was “a big question.”

I also am engaging in this activity because no one can ever make me do something. I have enormous willpower. My son said, “Mom, you’re going to want one beer,” and I said that while that was true I don’t need one.

I’m toying with the idea of becoming a social-only and special occasion-only consumer of alcohol. I’ll write about this journey here.

How much do you drink? Have you lost family or friends to alcohol abuse?

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Good

My girlfriend wound up talking to me for 15-minutes on Sunday regarding that brunch was cancelled. I felt like it was a related behavior when she had her best friend accompany us for Thanksgiving Tree Lighting. She had asked if my voicing a concern was to be in person or on the phone. I said that either was fine, but that sending screenshots would feel awful. And it would have.

I told her that I had a piece of fun and also something that was friction when she called me. It hadn’t become a fight yet. She said that she’d like the friction first.

I said, “Ok, it made me feel bad when we got back to your house last night and you said that swimming was now 10-12. I realized that _______ and I would be at your house for under an hour and you’d be getting up to leave for _____’s house and be rushed. There was no brunch anymore and that was our family plan for the holiday. It seems related to my telling you that Thanksgiving is the only holiday that I really care about and then _____ was included in the tree lighting.”

She said, “I’m sorry.”

She paused and I said, “Thank you.”

She explained that it didn’t feel good at all to change Christmas Eve Brunch plans and she didn’t like it either. Then she talked about how she understood that it wasn’t fair that our only plans just us three with her daughter included her best friend after we’d made concrete plans after Thanksgiving.

So easy. I was heard, validated, and she made a sincere apology.

Then she told me that scheduling has generally never been her forte, so when these things happen again, I should remind her.

I said I understood that it’s a shortcoming, but feeling like I was an afterthought was upsetting.

She said, “You’re not an afterthought.”

Without my suggesting it, she said, “What I am going to do is cancel with _____. [Her daughter] doesn’t know what dates are, so swimming anytime in the next few days will mean swimming with _____.”

I didn’t want her to do that, and I asked her not to, but she did it anyway.

We had family brunch.

Her daughter told my metamour that the best thing about the day was [my son] that night.

It was resolved. I think that our plans will now be our own. I have a piece of data proving that, too.

I asked her if she would go to dinner with me before the concert that she’s taking me and her best friend on New Year’s Eve (NYE). She said that she would and I’ve made reservations for us. We will meet her friend an hour before the concert begins. We’ll all watch the concert together. It’s funny, but I spent NYE with her best friend last year.

What feels good to you when you’re resolving a problem? How do you like to fight? What do disagreements serve for us in relationship?

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Fighting

There was a conversation that I had with my girlfriend after she had been hurt about my not telling a woman who was hitting on me that I had a girlfriend. I said that I don’t lead with that because it’s weird. She wanted to make sure that when we’re together, there are specific times that we don’t talk about other people at all. (However, she was doing that a little bit last night, but I wasn’t going to mention that. That kind of thing doesn’t make me feel jealous.) I need to be gentle and sensitive about my current outings and such. It will be interesting to navigate when I go out on more than a first date with another girl.

I am using this morning to write out what is hurting me.

I’d rather resolve it through working through conflict.

I’m not easy to fight with in general.

I have a memory like a bear trap.

In fact, bear trap is probably just a good way to describe fighting with an Enneagram 8.

She had told me that she was very sad to have not engaged in an adult Halloween activity with me. I knew that it was her favorite holiday, but she already had plans as it was. I told her that going forward I would check in with regards to what she wanted to do each holiday.

I told her that thinking on it, Thanksgiving was an important holiday to me.

We’d planned to go to a Tree Lighting just us three.

Her best friend came.

We had been texting back and forth a bit about Christmas a few weeks ago and she asked what my plans were. Then she said that she and her daughter were free Christmas Eve morning. I’d said that I’d make a quiche and we could hang out. She sent the rosy cheeks smiley face.

Except that’s not happening. She wants me to hang out at the pool at her best friend’s house. I told her that I’d do it.

However, when I took her home last night after the movie, she found out that swimming was 10-12.

I feel like an afterthought.

There will be no quiche. There will likely be not much of anything because she’ll have to rush home, get packed, and then see me and maybe my son for a second and then rush to my metamour’s for their plans and overnight.

I don’t like it. The plans have changed twice when we were going to hangout just us three.

My therapist isn’t seeing his clients until 1/6/25. I’m thinking that I won’t make an appointment with him anyway until the 20th…

How do you fight with a significant other? How do make sure that your words land well?

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My Metamour

I had an impromptu dinner last night with the author. I told her all about my metamour. I really like him.

The author, who has two boyfriends, and a metamour who is one of her good friends said, “Tell me about your metamour.”

I said that he’s big, handsome and engaging. One of the things that I really liked best about him was that he and my girlfriend have many of the same mannerisms and also use the same expressions. They both consider things for a good period, nod and then say, “That’s fun.”

We’ve already exchanged emails. I want to teach him how to play frisbee golf, so I have to see which days he has off from work next week and the week after. (I played a lot of it when I was an undergrad.)

My girlfriend and he had built my girlfriend’s daughter’s playhouse that he’d gotten her for Christmas. She’ll wake up Christmas morning there and see it and it will be kept at his house. In many respects, he’s like a father to her; although, my girlfriend doesn’t agree.

On Thanksgiving, she had sent me this video of her daughter cackling while he picked her up into the air and was flipping her around. It was the sweetest video, and that is when I realized how much I wanted to know him.

My girlfriend said that she had to press him a whole bunch to ensure that he met me before Christmas.

We all went to the best Thai restaurant in our area on Wednesday night and talked. He paid and I said, “May I please get the tip?” and he gracefully accepted the cash. He’s from New England so he’s refined and has some almost feminine mannerisms, which are really just part of being from New England. Some of his manner is opposite of his large and muscular frame. He’s probably about 6’2″. He has twinkly blue eyes and is well-dressed and put together.

I’m not sure what their relationship will look like in the coming New Year. He’s moving in with his current girlfriend who also has a child. Her child is a preteen girl. I would imagine a lot of the features in their relationship will change.

I asked her if she’d ever remarry him and she said, “No.” They seem really good together and I think that both of them liked being married. I know that it’s complicated and obviously not on the table right now given that his girlfriend is moving in with him shortly.

I kept telling her that I needed to be his friend. Now, I know that I am. In fact, I’ll email him back on the 26th or 27th so I can see him and hangout solo. The weather is scary warm, so I’m sure that as long as it’s not windy we can play frisbee golf.

It’s interesting that the feelings of jealousy that I had prior are gone completely now. They were mostly related to my too quiet Thanksgiving and then hours alone. I wasn’t jealous of him. I was jealous of family. While I was lucky to have had Thanksgiving with my neighbors, they had a bustling one that was complete with boisterous cussing relatives.

I guess there could possibly be times when we had all three kids together at his place (my 19-year-old, her toddler and his girlfriend’s preteen). Maybe in the summer?

Regardless of what the future holds, I really like my metamour.

What does family mean to you? How do you do friendships? What do you think about adding people to your life?

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SP

In the enneagram, SP, means self-preservation. That is my third variant. I am the Sexual variant, which means that I do best 1-1 and that is how I extend myself into the environment. Here I am referring to being Solo Poly (SP).

I am Solo Poly.

To me, it means that I am independent and autonomous.

In it’s form for my execution it also means that I am at my best when I am living alone, not blending any finances and meeting all of my own needs.

Being solo poly impacts desires though, and I’ll get to that.

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend a little over three-months and I’ve known her about six.

We ate barbeque together on the 16th last month. She’d driven over and we hung out here and then we went out to dinner. She was going to pull out of the driveway that night so I could drive. I asked if she could just drive to the restaurant as it wasn’t far and she said, “I probably shouldn’t go anywhere that I’ve never been to before without my glasses. I’ll just pull out to the street.”

I asked her if it would be ok if I drove her car. She said of course. I said, “I’ve never driven a girlfriend’s car. I drove my ex-wife’s four different cars that she had when we were together a handful of times, but it’s not a thing that I normally do.”

She said, “Does that mean that we’re getting married?”

I felt taken aback. Then I flushed. I gathered myself and said, “I would highly doubt that I would ever get married again.” I was proud of myself.

She said something that I couldn’t hear because she was shutting her own door–I usually do that for her–and I wasn’t sure what she’d added.

When I got in her car and figured out how to start it, I said, “What had you said last?” And she said, “The plan is to get you to change your mind.”

I didn’t say anything. I was proud of myself.

I don’t ever want to remarry. If I was really sick, I would have to have somebody here with me in my house. I don’t want that person to be a significant other. I’d prefer to pay someone and empty my office so there were two extra bedrooms upstairs and that person could live here with their family rent free and earn a salary.

I don’t even like having my son here who’s had my laundry basket filled for two-weeks and trashes out everything that he touches or is around.

I’m troubled by too much time with any human and need recharge.

There are way too many animals here. With the hours that I work, I sometimes live in a gross fur palace.

I’m at my best with others when I’ve had solo time. I am solo poly.

The plan is to write about this topic in installments, so stay tuned.

How do you do romantic and intimate relationships? Have you always done them the same way? Do you think that traditional marriages work for the majority of people?

Snow Face