I was low energy this week and moody AF. I took two Z strain last night and also drank one cup each of valerian and melatonin tea. I feel really well this morning and will be able to to attack work.
When I was married, she and I became strangers rather quickly. It’s shocking to me that we stayed together as long as we did. It certainly wasn’t related to complacency. We fought like a mf.
I don’t mind fighting honestly. In fact, in my experience, it shifts things in your relationship and often, some changes accompany conflict.
Scorpio and I have been able to address an undercurrent that we have. I don’t need to revisit it; however, because it’s come up in February and in April, she may need to do so.
I’m sexually motivated. In fact, it’s been rare for me to have a romantic partner who is as sexually motivated as I am. Historically, I have had two who were and they weren’t women with whom I had a real relationship.
One was basically a defensive liar. She led with a lie about her career when she met me and then pulled a Bill Clinton. She was, like me, sexually motivated. I interact with her superficially sometimes and have for about 2-years and she grosses me out because she has never apologized for letting me run with her lie. The point is that we had a good sexual connection.
Another was a woman, who lived out of state and had also lived in AK for awhile, whom I really had nothing in common with beside sex. She reminded me a of a cowgirl. And we had really good sex. We spent a couple of weekends together and she helped me to spring into dating again after my heart was broken at a level that I’ll probably never have again, which is good.
I’m still like I was in 2009 and 2012 and that is a Solo.
My priority is my relationship that I have with myself and times that I have let that falter have affected my romantic partners.
To address my primary relationship I have since the pandemic lifted taken Solo Vacations when the academic year ends. This year it’s later than it usually is–yet still before it becomes summer–and I had to schedule it around my BFF’s and GF’s schedules. Although, I am a Solo, I care deeply about my connections.
I’m looking forward to the majority of my work winding down this year and recalibrating. I like to put the most healthy version of myself into relationships.
I have now spent four nights in a row with Scorpio. We laugh constantly, ask each other good questions, are touching each other always, and find magic and beauty everywhere we go. And we simply keep talking and working on things. We’re super compatible.
One of her friends was turning 57 so she decided to throw herself a birthday party. I drove and took Scorpio to it so she could do whatever she wanted. When we left that night she said to her friends, “Because sober (and pointed to me) and then she said, ‘not sober,'” while she referenced herself.
The following morning we drove to the southwest for a vacation. We had three nights together and a standalone casita at a B&B.
I wanted to her to see one of my favorite places on earth. I had spent my first honeymoon mostly in the town that we’d first driven to and have been going back for years. We ate dinner in the town and walked around a little bit before driving on to another county to our B&B.
I love chile rellenos and this one was phenomenal and unique
I’ve written about this factor before and it’s that I can’t get in hot springs or hot tubs. However, I thought it super important that Scorpio have some hot springs times. There is a world famous one around where we were staying, but I didn’t want to do something that everyone does. I like standing out when I’m dating a woman. So, she and I took a hike and went to a wild one.
One of the pools was in the 90s and the other one at its depths reaches 106. Everyone was clothed so Scorpio didn’t take off her bikini bottom, but she did soak topless. All of it was hot.
There was a guy in the top pool with us. After awhile, he began conversation with us both. He was an artist and somewhat of a poet. He left the pool to go to the river and I couldn’t believe that he was swimming in it. When he came back I remarked on that and he told me to go and it would be good medicine. I told him that it was too cold. He said, “That’s not very Scorpio of you.” I realized that he was referencing my largest tattoo as I was in a bikini and I told him that was just my Moon. I stood up and said, “What am I?” while exposing it sideways and he said, “A Virgo,” and I said, “Yes, and can you see my ascendent? It’s in Libra.” I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it had to do with how troubling my combo is and I said that emotional turmoil is pretty common for me.
Then I got bold and popped out of the pool, crossed the lower muddy one and dipped my feet in the river. It was so frigid and immediately made me shiver so I just slid into it. Then I got out and sat looking at it. The artist said, “Ten seconds! Just breathe into it.” I submerged my entire body and looked into the canyon counting. My heart was pounding and I had to continue to remind myself to breathe. I began slowly counting. When I got out, a couple in the low pool said that I was in there longer than 10-seconds. I’m proud. I like being tough.
I had neglected to remember my change of clothes. They were back at the B&B. That was a potentially problematic thing because we had dinner reservations for a super nice restaurant on Sunday night. Scorpio said that she would dress me. We stopped into a cannabis lounge, and both went to the bathroom together and she said that I was absolutely not staying in a wet bikini top. I’ve definitely been without panties a few times in my life, but not without a bra… I stayed in my t-shirt and Scorpio lent me her overalls which were capris on her and hit me above my ankle. I put on sandals and subbed out my Hokas. I was presentable.
Scorpio is so nurturing.
We had a wonderful dinner. We had a long drive back and I smoked my first legal pot that I’ve ever had. It was a 1-1 ratio of CBD and THC and caused me a great, mellow high. I was so glad not to get paranoid. I think that I smoked pot from 29-34; although I lose track of the dates the main thing that I remember was that it was well before there were dispensaries and such.
The next day we did an art gallery and trekked around together. We had a late lunch at one of my favorite restaurants in the world. I bought her a bracelet and then we wound up on a rooftop. I had peppermint tea and she drank a latte. We got back to our B&B at a reasonable hour and she built a roaring fire that she tended to for hours.
I told her specifically that I loved her and that I was so grateful for this vacation.
The next day she had to work in the morning and then we left for home. She played a poem for me when we were in a mountain pass. We talked through our communication patterns, what we hope that we could be building, and then when we were both ready to starve, found a restaurant about 2-hours from home and had dinner by a river.
Recently, I had listened to an episode of the podcast “Solo: The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life” which was about aloneliness, which is when a person starts to get stressed out because there isn’t time to be alone. That is something that I get because I’m introverted.
We all know the Goyte song from 2011 that has the lyrics about telling oneself that a relationship is right and feeling lonely when together with the partner.
I felt that with my ex-GF and my ex-wife many months.
At this point, I am often pretty tired and need me time because a new relationship while exciting, is also consuming.
Dan Siegel writes about the importance of having time in. I need that. I’m going to make a plan to give myself a specific morning and nightly routine to regulate. I also have some things that I’d enjoy working on.
I like to write and also need to work on promoting my book.
Scorpio and I have been talking about polyamory.
For her, she doesn’t want to be limited or told what to do.
For me, I have what I want in her right now. She’s my girlfriend, she’s a travel companion, and she’s also an anchor partner. I define the latter as a person who knows and cares about your day-to-day.
I went on a date on Saturday afternoon. It was with Ph.D.
She is smart, funny, and open.
I felt absolutely no romantic draw to her.
That gave me pause.
The following morning when I was in bed with Scorpio I told her that I was going to get a lot of shit from several of my friends for being monogamous right now. And she said that was a them thing. I asked her what she meant and she said, “______, it’s not like it’s really a poly card anyway, but you’re open. Yes, you’re not specifically putting out seeking energy right now, but it doesn’t mean that if you felt a pull that you wouldn’t see what it was about or limit yourself with a potential connection with a woman.”
I think that much of it is that I’m not lonely at all right now, and with this relationship being so fulfilling at this point in time, I don’t want anything else.
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