Tag Archives: Balance

by

Matchmaker

Would you pay $933 for date if you didn’t really have to do any legwork? I guess that I will.

Apps are pretty trying. You have to put in work and many people want a fling for a night via text, gift cards or way more financial backing, or are just plain fake.

I’ve had seven dates in person since May.

I guess that I’ve been complaining a lot.

At the birthday party that I attended on NYE a friend told me, “Yes, and you’re not being date raped.”

Apparently a cardiologist in Denver took at least 11 women to brunch and drugged them at his house. These women made reports to the apps. Hinge and Tinder had reports and didn’t ban his profile. He’s now incarcerated and the apps certainly don’t have a good look at the moment.

I had my second consultation this morning with the saleswoman from the matchmaking company for my 6 curated dates that will occur over the course of this year, and she told me to write a vision for myself.

I’m doing that right now and will revisit what I’ve written for 18-years about lovers, my ex-wife and girlfriends.

I need to observe my evolution.

  1. Be open
  2. Be curious
  3. Ask lots of questions and probe further
  4. Seek adventure
  5. Try things that you don’t like / terrify you
  6. Maintain autonomy while enjoying fully this woman
  7. Laugh a lot
  8. Pause and lean in
  9. Stay honest
  10. Explain fully your need for Physical Touch, sex, and spontaneity in those areas
by

Timing

I went to a ball in Seattle on Saturday night and had a ton of fun. I loved one of the organizers of this group and have connected them with my friend who helps organize a weekend for polyamorous people twice a year. It was cool and organic when I signed my email to them. I wrote “In infinite love.”

I met a super young nurse who obviously liked me and we’re now on IG together.

I believe that wholeheartedly–love is infinite.

It’s been interesting for me to navigate concurrent brand new connections. With a woman not too far from me and a woman from Boston, I realized that I can’t establish two new partners at once. I’m not hierarchical by any means; however, I do have this feeling that comes from having an anchor partner. I like the good morning and goodnight bookends via text and I also like being able to say, “Hey, I’m landing at 6:30 tonight. I’ll text you when I’m on the ground.” I want to establish one of those foundations and then can add whatever makes sense.

I really just want a travel partner.

Boston has finally said that we can schedule a trip. Her ball, her court. She’s a love bomber and when I told her that I don’t know anything about her, she talked mostly about work. Boring.

PA had a tragic loss so we are not really in contact atm. I highly doubt that we’ll Zoom anytime soon.

KY finally got a working cell phone, so she has texted with me a bit. We have a phone date today. She really thinks that she likes me, and I tend to think that is dumb. I know that I have a great smile and am fit; however, looks are only skin deep. We’ll test chemistry on a phone call.

I have a point.

I had been home for about 10-hours when the old app that just sits started blowing up. Messages were from a tall, green eyed Sicilian-Swedish American woman who was DMing me if I’d been visiting Seattle. While I was in bed the two nights that I had, I’d swiped on the app. There are really pretty women in Seattle btw.

Anyway, this woman said that she wished we’d met while I was still there and that one of her sons attends college here where I live. She said that maybe we could meet in spring. I moved her to my VPN (Burner number) and we started communicating in Italian and Spanish and both started laughing because it only worked for awhile.

There was something about our chemistry. Even with Tesoro, I’d not felt that way. She was like how Boston is. Just full of love bombing, which again, I think is mostly dumb.

I moved her off my VPN, gave her my name, and she said that she requested to follow me on LinkedIn. I was so inspired by our texting that I didn’t even pop off my phone to honor that request. I did it last night after work.

Eventually, I was flushed all over my chest and realized that this connection was different than any of the 15 or so that I’ve had since May. I’m sapiosexual. And it takes a lot to move my soul.

And she’s Ethically Non-monogamous so there was nothing to explain to her about being Solo Poly.

I can’t wait to meet her next spring.

by

Eviction Proceedings

If you’ve read me this year or in year’s past, you know that I have one spawn.

He’ll be 20 in January.

So, he’s an adolescent.

As they go, he’s pretty average.

Therein lies the issues. I don’t want to clean up after him anymore or watch him trash out his space and even his car.

Until yesterday, I drove a 2006. He has a 2019 that is paid off (I paid it off) and I insure it and he trashes it out. It is often like a trash can.

On Wednesday last week he told me that he was going out of town.

When he got up on Thursday to shower and came upstairs I asked where he was going and he said, “To my grandparents. You know this! I told you!”

I told him that had to stop because he tells his GF and friends things and then tends to assume that he told me.

We had a deal this month. He was to pick up his room and take things to Goodwill and sell other things that he isn’t using. He had time to himself when I was in Boston to do so.

His room is disgusting.

I am missing dinner forks and rectangular small glass containers. They could be in his room or at his job, and I don’t think that I’m ever getting them back.

My blood boiled when I saw things piled in the furnace room again a few feet from the hot water heater. I’m just done living with someone who is entitled and disrespectful.

I sent him pictures yesterday and said that he needs to get out in January.

On February 1st, I’ll be changing all of my locks and also the key code to the hide-a-key.

Via text he said that there is no way that he can save up 10k in two months. The main reason for that is because he pounds fast food constantly. He’s pretty obese atm. And he was fit through most of high school. I do understand that the pandemic reeked havoc on all of us, but he doesn’t meet anyone halfway:

  1. Follow a schedule
  2. Make some meals
  3. Walk a bit
  4. Have conversations with me
  5. Keep his two spaces clean

I realized that because he only went to massage school that he still has about ten-thousand dollars in his ESA that I made and contributed to. I told him that I didn’t know how much tax he’d owe, but that he can meet with the advisor and get it out. It’s his. That’s all that I’m willing to do going forward. I still insure him for health, dental and his car. I’d buy food for him if he schedules and shops WITH me.

I’m looking for conversation here. I feel badly about it. I do know that he has to leave though and may wind up couch surfing…

by

Friend

I went to my ex-GF’s apartment last night and she was super animated. We talked easily for half-an-hour. There are reasons that I spent a year with her!

Then she asked me how Tesoro was and I said, “I’m not going to talk about dating with you.”

She asked me why.

I told her that I do all of the time with my BFF from work and that I have my therapist too.

“I don’t talk about specifics of dating with my friends.”

I gave her the example of sending some screenshots to a bowling teammate and being a little embarrassed about them too. I don’t like talking about how my dating is going with details except here because it’s anonymous. I got support from who I needed to this summer and am still doing so this fall.

I had to tell my teammate not to tell our other two teammates about the screenshots that I sent because I didn’t want them to know about unhappy things which have transpired.

My ex-GF started talking generally about Tesoro.

Then she told me some things and when I heard them, those things made me feel ashamed.

I had been alluding wanting passionate sex with someone and was talking about it with Tesoro.

I had to rack my brain and finally did remember last night.

Tesoro put out a flirty feeler about staying in a hotel room all day.

My ex-GF conflated that with my seeing Tesoro two weeks ago–a trip that didn’t happen.

Two weeks ago instead of pouting about Tesoro, I took myself to Boston.

Regardless, when my ex-GF and I were still dating, I let all my pent up sexual frustration become somewhat mean in my behavior.

I didn’t figure that out last night.

Instead when she was still asking me some questions with regards to women and dating and such and told me what she’d remembered me saying (which was really mean) I said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to go.”

I packed up. She followed me into the foyer and the staircase. I said, “I’m sorry,” again. I meant it both times that I said it.

She said, “Is that all?” I’d prepared a list of topics.

I had heard about her brother’s visit, her trip to Chicago, her daughter’s new milestones and the lack of outcomes with her new employment. (This economy is so bad. I’m so lucky that all three of my jobs are stable.) I told her yes, and she laughed a little uncomfortably and I was already almost down the second set of interior stairs. She said “goodbye” when I was opening the door to the outside and I said, “See you.” She texted me a couple of times when I was driving back to my house. I texted back in a cursory sort of way last night.

I was embarrassed and felt guilty too.

I think that in relationship, you wind up hurting each other.

I’m glad that I apologized. I’m glad that we have space and that our next plans are in a group.

Our Thanksgiving plans have some obstacles, so instead, I have invited her and her daughter to a fall neighborhood event. My son said last night that he will join too, which is going to be wonderful. I really appreciated his doing that.

I’ll go over there some evening for an hour or so during my December vacation.

I think that by December, she’ll know that it’s not helpful for our friendship to talk about my dating for those three-months until she broke up with me. I still find it fascinating that she met me in a Polyamorous Women’s Discussion Group, and my dating was something that she couldn’t tolerate.

I also don’t want to talk about my current dating with her. I reserve that topic for few people. I blog about it. I talk with it in therapy. And I have known my best friend from work for 23-years, so we have a solid friendship. We also have never had a sexual or romantic relationship. She really helps me when I’m talking about dating. Our ex-husbands have spent time together too, so she knows me deeply.

So, next month I’ll see my ex-GF an hour with our kids, and by December so much time will have passed.

I don’t think that time heals all wounds, but I think that it helps some of the sharpness. I don’t think that she’ll want to revisit our relationship anymore. It won’t matter. It’s also not helpful. We have started a foundation for our friendship.

by

Platonic

I had kind of gone back and forth with respect to cancelling seeing my ex-GF on Monday.

I’m going over there.

I think that if I cancel, it causes some dissention in the old group that I used to go to. It meets for the last time in 2-months. I’m not going, and I don’t want any of my psychic energy to be heavy in that room. If I don’t see my ex-GF because I cancel, that could potentially be a topic in the group.

I also think that when you were previously in love with someone, if you can have amiability that is a good thing in general.

When I was walking around Boston on Friday afternoon I got a text and it said “Hope you’re having a great weekend with Tesoro.”

I wrote back as soon as I knew that I got it and said, “Hahahahaha. I’m in Boston solo. Cya soon.”

She thumbs up’ed my response.

And she doesn’t need to know any details. I talked through the situation in it’s entirety with my BFF from work. I also talked about it in therapy. I’m good. There is a member on my bowling team who I sent screenshots and texted back and forth as well. I don’t want to talk about it anymore and still hold out hope that she’ll reach out to me again and hope that she does not have a weird narrative that I abandoned her in Istanbul.

In terms of my ex-GF, I know her well enough to know that she’ll probe.

She’s not getting Tesoro details.

Similarly, I don’t want to talk to her about southside girl, northside girl, or my new European / West Coast girl. I don’t have any idea how those any of those things will turn out. Dating for me has been an exercise in mindfulness. I just have to be in the moment. And it’s really good that I don’t want a blending or marriage end game with any woman, because then I can just chill and enjoy moments. Or I can say, “Thank you,” and let all communication subside.

In terms of my ex-GF, I dated her for a year basically. We started communicating about going out at the end of August in 2024 and had our first date on September 8th. She broke up with me September 5th the following year. I wanted to break up with her in March and in July, and tried. My position was not accepted. I’m glad that we’re not together.

We don’t belong together. I can recall two incidents of passion. One was in October and one in November. Then, otherwise, we had perfunctory contact. I’m not doing that. I’m a lot of things and am certainly not boring.

I hope that she doesn’t press me.

I don’t want to cause her to cry.

I just want to hang out.

I’m looking for magic.

by

Friendship

I have so many friends. I’m not sure how many…

I have four best friends.

One was mine from middle school. He and his girlfriend bought a house way north of the city, so I don’t see him often. He and I keep in touch on Instagram. I should carve out time this summer to take him and his girlfriend to dinner.

I have a best friend from my first round of graduate school. She is now practicing in Germany where she bought a house. She lived in Japan for a couple of years too. We’ve done a few Google Meets on weekends to get our time zones to cooperate. Otherwise, she and I email one another.

My local best friend is like my sister. If I didn’t have her, I’d have lost my house in 2009. I have contract work from her and have spent countless holidays with her. We also hiked with our kids all the time when they were young.

I have a best friend from work. I met her through contracting, and then LA and another colleague and I went to visit her in her state. She has been through a lot with me. Lately, she’s been my biggest supporter since my GF broke up with me and I’ve been dating.

Dating.

DM.

Sometimes realize someone is completely vacuous, and then stop DMs.

Move to a call.

Ask to take a walk.

Sometimes the latter is weeks away and you have to go back in the app, hope it’s not archived and look at the pictures of the woman.

It’s fairly strange.

On the 3rd, I matched with a girl who was using the app to make friends. I thought that was interesting, and she was super pretty and outdoorsy so I swiped right and then I got the dopamine hit “It’s a match!” complete with rainbows, confetti and a framed profile picture.

Anyway, she’s European and has lived in the US for years now. Her parents live here and she lives on the West Coast. We had a lively conversation and moved to Signal.

We talked on the phone briefly yesterday and will have a video call soon.

She wanted to go on a winter vacation with me for a month to get to know each other IRL.

I told her that I get one day off in January.

She asked if we could do a vacation in February.

I told her that I also get one day off that month.

She works in an industry in which you have assistants and you plan your vacations in advance. She won’t work in the company she owns in January or February, but she will have virtual things that she does for her other work which is much more passive and doesn’t require anything but electronic management and emails.

My months that are like that are June and July. I pop on Zoom for a total of 4-hours and answer one set of emails across the three positions that I have.

It’s an academic year; however, it also means that if I’m in the Northern Hemisphere, I can vacation when it’s really too hot.

I can’t take weeks away in January or February.

I am measured, calculated and cautious.

A month long vacation sounds intimidating.

It’s like a job interview that doesn’t end.

It’s like an arranged marriage based in no previous in person contact.

After our phone call, and her asking for a way in which we could vacation together via DM throughout the late afternoon and evening, she came to the understanding that her idea with me couldn’t come to fruition this academic year. She wants us to video soon and continue being pen pals.

Something that I really like about her that I didn’t get from Tesoro is that she talks about her past and the mundane of her day-to-day. She sent me a picture of her grocery cart the day before yesterday! I loved those things. She’s sweet, highly competent, kind and definitely incredibly attractive.

The long game.

by

Horse

Not DM’ing with Tesoro today sucked bad.

I’m shocked that I didn’t log into Teams.

However, unless she does leave Turkey and flies back, I don’t want to gamble with my heart. And it’s like I always write, “Her ball, her court.”

The first phone date that I had tonight sucked.

And why the fuck don’t people read your profile?

“So, what scenario would you be in and how long would it take for example for you to consider being monogamous?”

“What do you think would change a relationship so it would be closed?”

And she asked another question in another way and I can’t remember it. I was already irritated.

The second conversation was polar opposite.

It was great.

She’s funny, outdoorsy and smart.

She retires from the military next month. She wants to text all month and then hike together soon. I like her. It’s nice to like someone. We laughed about U-Haul lesbians and how I am the opposite.

Love is abundant. The only finite resources are time, energy and attention.

I’m back at it.

by

Delays

I have to put Tesoro in a new zone mentally. I am unsure if she has any intention of ever leaving Turkey.

I talked with her on the phone on the 15th and after we’d talked a bit I sighed and was whiny finally saying, “When are you coming home?”

She said, “In a few days.”

We DM’ed more towards the end of this week and I wrote, “When are you flying back?”

She wrote, “Soon, Baby.”

This week we didn’t video and I missed her voice call yesterday. She told me that production is done on equipment and she can’t get money transferred to Turkey.

I told her that if I was in her shoes I would get one of those 18-months interest free credit cards.

I’m a public servant mostly; although, I do some assessments which do pay into the social security system, and I really don’t know shit about energy, powerplants, oil / gas, private contracts, etc.

I know that I don’t have interest in:

  1. Blending finances
  2. Living rather than travelling with a romantic partner
  3. Giving my heart to someone who I’ve never touched

Soooooo… I’m not investing time in DMs to her unless she comes home and schedules IRL with me. I wrote to her that when / if she comes home, I want to have a date with her and begin seeing what we have.

I’m basically at my core a Physical Touch and Quality Time person.

I know, because it happened to me with my ex-wife, that it is possible to fall in love with a picture of someone.

I’m not in love with anyone atm.

For me, love that is full involves mind, body, and soul.

The touch and skin-to-skin contact is so important to me. I believe that we are hardwired for love and attachment.

Although, I’m a creature of words, I am still quite in love with sharing physical space.

by

Cordial

Being all too familiar with avoidant attachment and also the dance of make-up and breakup, I’ve been friendly and careful with my ex-GF.

She recently said basically that I’m a liar via text.

She does this birthday party concept thing–well, her kid is 3, so she’s done it three times–wherein mostly adults paint a piece of art with acrylics in which there is a printed model that you can use and she has sketched the outline of the figure on canvases.

I’d only worked with watercolors, but did ok for a first time with acrylics for “La Petit Fleurs” this past spring.

I don’t know what the first year was. For her daughter’s second birthday all the pieces were “Plant of Life” by Georgia O’Keefe.

Originally, I thought that she’d painted it for me. She hadn’t. It was one of the ones that she had done during her daughter’s second birthday party. She didn’t bother to write anything on the back about me either. It wasn’t really a birthday present to me, but she wrapped it in Christmas paper and gave it to me for my birthday last year when we had a date a month after my birthday.

At the beginning of the month, after I had called her and she flipped her shit on the phone, and then I went over to her place the following night, she basically asked for it back.

She said that she’d take the O’Keefe back.

Me: “My birthday present?”

And then we had a conversation about it and I guess that she was just glad that I wasn’t throwing it away.

In the meantime for my birthday I had my basement steam cleaned and the entirety of my house cleaned professionally. There are some things that I want to go back over in every room but there is literally no hair anywhere. It’s never been like this since my ex-wife filled up my house with animals. I am going to run a 5k on Saturday and then come home and work in my house. I still need to throw things away and go back over the hood of my stove for example.

I was going through everything weekend before last and had a new present that my buddy from the Co-Ed Poly group had done for me–and wrote on the back for my birthday–and the color scheme fits my house so I put it on the wine cabinet where the O’Keefe had been. It looked like it belonged there. He’s done a commission of my son’s cat and also gave me a tile that I had my former sister-in-law’s partner lay into a table with sample tiles that a company gave me.

I wanted to get her back the “birthday present” so it would complete the wall in her group practice room. That’s where the paintings from her daughter’s 2nd and 3rd birthday party are hung. Recall that it wasn’t painted for me anyway. Also, that she said she’d take it back. She called me dishonest in text when I told her that I’d be returning it on Thursday.

I left her an audio saying that I think that we can build a good path to a friendship and not if we’re doing stuff via text. I told her it was weird.

I’m a lot of things. I’m not a liar.

In fact, my default setting is so direct that folks wish I’d do white lies.

There was a bunch of stuff that my son needed from her yesterday and I was meeting with a planner regarding my long term care stuff after work, so I had to dip yesterday. It was a good thing because my son and his GF spent 2-hours with her and needed that time. I’d have been a third wheel.

When I went into the foyer of her practice and got my Blu-Ray player and all my DVDs and such there was a bag with one Hail Mary in it. She’d held onto that thing for 4-months. And they have to be refrigerated so I just composted it.

What a passive aggressive and bizarre thing to do.

I’ve made my decision.

I’m not seeing her at all this fall and winter.

It was a good thing that my son and his GF needed her yesterday, they moved the time, and I simply dropped off her daughter’s sand toys, the painting, and a joke chap stick from some of our exchanges this month.

I grabbed my Blu-Ray player and the videos. That Hail Mary made me laugh and then feel like shit.

I had given her a ring for her birthday this summer. She had been putting pressure on me that now I understand resulted in a change to her having infrequent sexual types of contact with me. That ring means that I will always make February, which is a hideous grief stricken month for her, and her birthday special as long as she lives here. I’m a great friend.

I don’t want to see her otherwise until some time has passed.

I’m not a fan of her behavior currently and don’t want to be around her energy.

I want to keep things simple, minimal and work on myself as I brave the world of dating true to me.

by

Bday Weekend

Tesoro is working on a seemingly endless contract in Turkey. It’s trying and delaying the ripping off of our Band Aid for our chemistry test. I think in certain respects, she and I are both DM’ed out. We’ve written thousands of words to each other since August 5th. I matched with her at the end of June, and finally began to catch up with feelings that she’d been professing to me during the first part of the month. When I pick her up from the airport–whenever that occurs–so I can take her to her car–I’ll likely collapse against her. That will be nice because she’s 5’8″ and I can just tuck my head under her chin and get my arms around her for that first time. She looks like she smells really good and I want to run my fingers through her hair.

On Friday night, I went to karaoke with a few members of my bowling team, LA, one of my buddies from the Co-Ed Poly Discussion Group, Mini Boss, and a friend who named our bowling team. It was sooooo fun. One of them had a candle that fit a glass and lit it so I could make a wish. Everyone knows what I wished on my glass of water!

Saturday I volunteered clearing cottonwood branches all morning on a volunteer crew at a National Wildlife Refuge. These trees are almost invasive along some riverbeds. They tend to break a lot so they pose a wildfire danger if their branches which collect on the ground aren’t addressed. I loved the work; although, I got quite tired. Apparently, September 20th was a National Cleanup Day so the organization that I volunteered with gave all of us National Park Passes in addition to feeding us pizza. I love doing something that gives back to celebrate another year being alive.

Sunday I biked to the park and met one of my former work husbands. We walked a bunch and did a Farmer’s Market together and I bought him lunch there. I love this particular Farmer’s Market. And it was so good to catch up with him. Afterwards, as I have been doing for 3-years on Sundays, I lifted weights.

51 came and went. I feel solid. I’m looking forward to fall beginning tomorrow. This shall be the last summer entry for me, and what an eventful one it was!

by

Single

I’m pretty into details. More than most people really.

I’ve been alive 51-years this week.

I have spent 17 married.

I have been single and not really dating anyone for about 4-years since I started having sexual intimacy at about 16 or 17.

I started seeing my best friend in high school in covert way. I think that eventually, my parents knew about it. They didn’t talk to me about it. They said, “Leave your door open.”

The same thing happened with my college roommate.

I wanted to be someone who could pass for what is societally believed to be an average person.

I married a buddy. It’s maybe for the best that he was unambitious and also an alcoholic. I would’ve been married to him for 27-years last month.

I have done best historically when I have had weekly intimate contact.

I also was ok living with my college GF for 3.5-years and until we bought a house, I was fine living with my ex-husband.

When he quit his job, didn’t work for 8-months and the trash was overflowing and I got home from work to make dinner, I fought actively with him. It’s a lot of work to keep up a house, and I was doing everything. Looking back, he was depressed.

I’m reasonably sure that I can retire from these three roles that I am doing in 4-years. I’ve done one for about 25 total, and the other work I started 10-years ago. My plan is to take 5 Master’s classes and get a different license altogether. Then, I think that I can have a few in person clients where I conduct assessments, and because of COVID, I have a good home office that I can use for clients who will Zoom. I want to travel and can’t quite live off my pension, so I’ll need to work. And, I am a really good therapist.

I’m single. I don’t have a GF and she’s doing some boundary probing at the moment which is a pattern with which I am all too familiar in 2 past relationships.

I had therapy last night and vetted what I was thinking and actions that I’m taking and planning. My therapist mused, “Are you positive that you want to be friends with her?” And I am! I just need her to respect my boundaries.

Having a love interest who is over six-thousand miles from you and has been there for nearly three-weeks sucks really bad.

I’ve been slowly seeing how she and I are looking for things that are similar.

I was going to begin solo vacations every summer when the pandemic hit.

I camped and completed a gnarly summit on a rope team in 2016; although, at the time, I was married.

I’m pretty independent and free spirited.

I get so lonely on weekends.

I’m not even interested in doing all the slog that it takes to respond to matches on the app at the moment.

I have this incredibly beautiful woman with whom I began corresponding at the end of June. Now, here we are, walking into love with no physical confirmation. It’s so painful. I have no clue when she’ll fly home, how many minutes I’ll get with her when that time happens, and the only known is that I will have to wait until October 9th or 10th to have sustained time with her.

I think after that, we’ll know what we have and I think that it’s going to affect the way that I’m seeking relationship.

I’ve been leading group with the topic of empathy. I’m practicing that with myself, with my ex, and with Tesoro.

What would you do in my shoes?

by

Request

It’s not a limit, it’s not a boundary and it’s not a rule for me either. I asked Tesoro last night if we could have a video call today. She’s read it, and I haven’t heard anything this morning. It’s afternoon where she is in Turkey.

As we have talked more on the phone, we have laughed more and she is getting much more comfortable with me.

I’m becoming drawn to her physically and really can’t wait at to test that out.

It’s difficult for me because we matched at the end of June.

We’ve exchanged so many hundreds of Teams DMs. That all started on August 5th. And here we are 6-weeks later and so obviously intrigued about each other and hopeful that our in person chemistry will yield something beautiful.

So, given our intense and frequent interactions, I want another video call.

We write back and forth all the time. We seem compatible via phone and definitely have some paper matching.

I’m a Virgo.

She’s a Capricorn.

In our Sun Sign, we are both Earth Signs.

I’m a Tiger.

She’s a Horse.

Source: https://www.purewow.com/wellness/tiger-chinese-zodiac-compatibility#:~:text=Tiger%20and%20Horse%20are%20two,move%20forward%20side%20by%20side.

It’s interesting that I have just found ease when we talk. She’s super mellow, and I’m glad that be attracting these types of folks after my marriage.

We laugh and are able to just talk.

Today, I’d like to see her.

If it doesn’t happen, I have already told her during the weekend that I’ll be pulling back a little bit until we meet in person. I don’t want to overextend my heart for something that has no confirmation yet.

I’m hoping that she can get home this week and it would be incredible if it was Friday for my birthday.

I have backup plans to sing with two members of my bowling team at karaoke if she doesn’t make it home.

And if she doesn’t schedule a video call today, I’m not doing anything rash.

It’s been so fun to have 7 pretty pictures of her, exchange all these messages, and talk to her a handful of times on the phone. Although the signal was horrible, I had to go outside and get under a tree and didn’t have on my glasses, I was grateful that we had a quick video chat a couple of weeks ago.

Honestly, having her to chat with has been helpful since all of my feelings since March with my ex-girlfriend who was always destined to be my friend. I had pent up those feelings as best as I could, and then began to date in May via the apps. Having Tesoro be unearthed via the app that I’m still on has been helpful all around.

I hope that we see each other in person soon.

A video chat would be helpful, so I’m putting out that request.

“Tesoro, I hope that we see each other on video today!”

by

Nah

The CEO liked makeup-breakup.

My ex-wife moved out more times than likely the years that we were together. I’d have to count and don’t want to do so.

My ex-girlfriend is falling into their categories. I’m not honoring her bullshit “soft breakup.” We’re done romantically.

Her brand of poly is hierarchical and involves the same “afterthought” versus “taken for granted” in terms of “veto” versus “concerns.” Fuck that.

I’m going to be her friend. And she is fun to be around. I learned a ton about communication and conflict in relationship with her for our year together.

I have a beautiful woman who I can’t wait to meet that I’m excited about. We have exchanged so many pages of DMs and when she called me on Tuesday she had me laughing with her irreverence and it was such an easy conversation. I wish that she wasn’t, at present, in a time zone 9-hours different than mine; however, I am so excited to meet her and begin to explore what we seem to be building. She swears to me that she’s worth the wait. 🥺

by

Soft breakup

I went to my GF’s house last night. She landed on that this was a “soft breakup.” First she tried to say that we were breaking up.

Me: “When you processed everything this morning and throughout the course of the day you’ve landed on that your daughter needs your nervous system regulated. You’re not regulated right now because of my shitty energy and you can’t have that seeping onto you as it affects your daughter. Let’s be clear. You’re breaking up with me. I want to still date you. I’m starting to date Tesoro.”

That wasn’t the beginning though.

I walked in with a can of La Croix and asked if I could sit down and asked if she had stickers on her shirt.

She nodded.

Her daughter has been sick and decorated her.

Then we were silent and it was awful.

We’re both shrinks.

We can be silent for days.

Eventually I said, “I’ve apologized for everything that I can apologize for. You sent the TikTok to be supportive. You say my work is ‘fun’ and ‘exciting’ when I’m stuck there for 12-14 hours for no logical reason because I have a good job that pays all of my bills. You can say that I’ve been an afterthought and never taken for granted. I am not a great communicator. I am working on it. I don’t know how to bring up shifting feelings with you. It’s scary. I’ve always been the monogamous one in my poly relationships until now.”

“Do you believe that?”

Me: “Yes. And I think that words are so emotive at times particularly when they’re not delivered in person. With the afterthought versus being taken for granted mismatch of usage, it’s potayto potaughto. I have to be fit in because you don’t have time and I get short texts that I’d rather not get at all because you have little time and a lot of people rely on your for emotional support while you’re solo parenting. You told me how gladly you’ll take your limited free time back.”

“That isn’t exactly what I meant. That wasn’t my intention. Also, I need to apologize to you. Except with a supervisor after my Dad died, I have never directed profanity at anyone. I cussed at you and was yelling at you.”

Me: “You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“I feel like I do.”

Me: “I accept your apology and wasn’t offended by it and thought that your yelling and cussing made a lot of sense.”

“I feel ashamed that happened around my daughter. I am supposed to model being in control and resolving things.”

Me: “We are people and parents. You have shown her that sometimes losing one’s temper happens, and that we can do better. People talk through things after they’re angry. You modeled that her tantrums are also ‘normal.’ That helps kids ultimately to show them how human we really are.”

She was angry that I didn’t text goodnight or good morning. I said that I was upset and worried that she was going to breakup with me. Later I said that she could’ve texted either thing too. I didn’t want my messages to her to go on unread as it makes me feel like shit. I told her that I was worried that she would thumbs up my texts or not respond for hours. I don’t want to feel anxious.

I did, midway through, go down to my car to get her birthday present for my birthday to her (That’s a tradition that she does.), the game, the journal that I’ve been writing in daily for her and her daughter, my set of her keys, and the book that we were to use for weekly questions for each other every week during 2026. The only thing that was passive aggressive that she said is, “Play this game with Tesoro. I bought it for you.” It was shrink wrapped. I declined.

I stayed for two hours.

I told her that if her daughter doesn’t ask for me in a month that I will get her the splashpad and bike with the handle riding bar that is now affixed to the back. She wanted me to take those to her ex-husband. I’m a person and told her “No way.”

It was obvious as we talked that her daughter won’t ask for me. She loves me 1-1 and doesn’t like me dating her Mom because it divides her mother’s attention and makes her jealous so she asks me to leave. Having that acknowledged was a breath of fresh air and helped me sleep like a baby last night.

I have to talk to my son.

We’re supposed to go over there together when her daughter is sleeping to play a game (us three) together on the 25th. I want to do that. And then, just like with my ex-husband and ex-wife, I want to happily support the relationship that he wants to have with her going forward. Kids don’t break up with their parent’s significants. I think that we’ll meet her youngest brother when we play that game together, so it will be four adults. Her brother bought a plane ticket for his birthday which was Thursday. I didn’t know that he was a Virgo. She said that he’s her favorite person in the world. I told her that she simply likes mutable signs and their changeability. Her ex-husband and my former metamour is a Pisces and her best friend is a Gemini. We’ll see what my son’s preference is for the 25th.

Then she’s gone to Chicago. Then I’m gone for a long weekend three-days after she gets back with Tesoro.

She asked if our friendship can be monthly hangouts. I’m amendable. She’s so fun to talk to and has kind, sweet energy in person. We’ll see each other on October 20th. That leg of our conversation made her cry and again. She belabored the fact that I don’t know Tesoro and am dreaming about things that are not based off of reality.

Me: “What does that matter? I’m putting myself out there with dating as I have since May. We matched at the end of June, and I’ll finally meet her briefly on the 14th. It’s the ultimate ripping off of the Band-Aid. She calls my intensity real and raw. If she can tolerate it IRL, we’ll begin our journey together. And, I still hold that I wanted to stay in relationship with you and date you both.”

She calls this period a “soft breakup.” She wants me to basically get my energy together so we can resume what we had. Her ball, her court.

by

Gallows

For someone who has never fought with a romantic partner, last night was off the chain.

Not that it’s new to me.

Women and even my ex-husband a couple of times when he’d been drinking cuss at me and flip out.

It’s because I showed some other people that TikTok to see if it was mean. The consensus was that it was passive aggressive. She swears it was because she and I beat the odds.

I asked her how’s that?

I asked about the ultimatum. I said it was a veto.

I told her that she wants to offshore me for sex, which is dangerous and will result in STIs for me as women who are sleeping with tons of women are not exactly practicing safer sex. I told her that it was empty. She told me that I’m incongruent. I said that I could’ve had sex on Wednesday and I don’t want to. I’m wanting two GFs and she’s hierarchical.

I told her that she has stuck her own “For Rent” Sign on my heart and no one can be there. It’s rented. I said that didn’t honor that my heart moves on it’s own as does another woman’s heart.

We didn’t land on anything.

She would only own that my thinking that I am an afterthought could be true.

She said that she will gladly take her spare free time back.

I guess that my feeling taken for granted is my “story line.”

I guess that my feeling hurt by that TikTok is projection.

The other stuff that we talked about was related to her “encouraging” me regarding that my 12-14 hour work days that include an activity sometimes in which I can’t see clients, because my clients don’t have transportation, but I still have to log those hours doing nothing being “fun.” After she explained her perspective on my having good jobs, I understood that. I told her that I don’t need any advice about work and going forward we could talk about it and I don’t want to text about it.

In fact, I don’t like texting with her much anyway. I haven’t in a really long time. She is sooooooo great in person and presents kind and sweet. That phone fight last night was awful and it did lay groundwork for today. I’m leaving for her apartment in just under an hour. It doesn’t feel great and is scary. I’m not a wimp though.

We’d be together a year on Monday, so I wrote out the anniversary card that I’d bought. I wrote in the last sentences that like I promised with her ring, every February can be made special and surprising as well as her birthday as long as she lives here. I can keep that promise.

I put my birthday gift to her (Her tradition is giving loved ones presents on one’s own birthday.), a dice game that she bought which is unopened, the journal that I’ve written in for her and her daughter daily since 1/1/25 (9/5/25 is the last entry), and her 52 questions that we’d planned to use in 2026 in a brown bag. I’ll leave it in the car until she’s done talking to me. Then I’m 95% that I’ll run down to the car, hand it to her and give her her keys back.

Tonight is about listening with compassion. We hashed everything out. It’s about my marching orders how she wants us to be moving forward.

I’d still like to see her for many days for the month of February. I’d still like to celebrate her birthday in July. I’d still like to teach her daughter to ride a bike. And none of these outcomes are up to me.

by

Ultimatum

I think that I may have been given a thinly veiled ultimatum on Tuesday.

“And I’m less interested in being 1 of 2 girlfriends. My stance on that has been unchanging.”

I know that I told her in May that was what I was looking for, and it seemed really difficult. Until now.

I know that my GF is most comfortable with my having a Friends with Benefits (FWB) or Sexual Friendship.

However, that is empty.

Additionally, there is something bizarre to assume that one can contain the heart.

Tesoro and I seem to be walking into love, and that is our experience.

Saturday could be very sad and trying with respect to hanging out with my girlfriend.

It’s one of those dates that doesn’t cost me a minimum of $200. I’m just going over to her apartment to be with her for a few hours on Saturday night. Her daughter will be sleeping. Originally, I wanted her to play with my hair and massage my calves. That text on Tuesday and her stony silence that barely broke on Wednesday late at night and yesterday seems like she could be amenable. We’ll see. I’ll write again on Sunday.

by

Limit

I’m Solo Poly. There have been many times that we have discussed in groups that I belong to a rule, a limit and a boundary. People confuse them.

Rules are societal standards. You can’t yell “Fire” at the movies.

Rules in relationships are things like, “I cooked,” so you’ll clean the kitchen and start the dishwasher. They don’t typically apply to things that can’t be easily understood. Rules are almost perfectly black and white.

Boundaries are a lot more confusing. It’s like pushing on something that has been discussed and agreed to prior. It’s like saying, “I’ve asked you not to talk about money when we’re in social situations, and you did last night. I don’t want you to go back on the boundary that I’ve set for that topic.”

I’m setting a limit with _____. I haven’t done it yet, because she and I actively had some conflict.

We’d DM’ed most of the evening before when she and I rescheduled a video date and exchanged a few in the afternoon and then she went silent around 2:00 pm.

I sent a message that said, “5:00. Don’t fall asleep. Or go out to dinner. I can’t wait to see you on video.”

“I’ll try, darling.”

I video called at 5, 6, and 7.

In the morning, I sent an old school text. “I tried you 3x. I am not into a lack of specific communication. Feel free to come to _______ on 8/31 if you’d like to meet in person.”

Then I didn’t send anything.

And she freaked out.

Work was trying and busy the following day. We are missing two folks in assistant positions. It’s like a day treatment position for me. I also had to assess a threat that day. I had not a second and was teaching in person that night. I had to drive to campus. I left her a voice to text in the app when I noticed that she’d called and saw a couple of DMs.

_____ called 7 times in Teams. I just counted the number this morning while I am writing.

And we actively had conflict about it.

Saying that things come up is bullshit.

I have three full jobs. I also assess for a practice on occasion.

And she’s purportedly a “J” on Myers-Briggs!

I’ve told a colleague and my GF that she is either in witness protection or she has escaped an abusive ex-husband.

Regardless, that’s my limit. No more setting up video calls.

I always say that no one is born knowing how to treat you.

I have set a limit–mostly for myself–that I will call in the morning on 8/31 at a time that we come up with and won’t get in my car until she’s in hers. Then we can both drive three-hours into the mountains to meet in person.

Otherwise the limit, which I will voice, is that I don’t like avoidant behavior. See me in person on August 31st come hell or high water. Or that’s it for me hustling. I don’t chase.

If it doesn’t happen, “When you’re ready to come to the city that I live in, let me know ahead of time, and I’ll take you out to dinner.”

Of course I am hoping that I see her IRL on Sunday, August 31st. I am holding out this time. My GF said that I have some kind of thing for women who look like librarians.

Regardless, I’ve set a limit for myself.

What’s a rule? What’s a limit? What’s a boundary? How do you help love interests learn how to treat you?

by

Dating

I have been out on three dates since I have been on the app. I had plans for six, and two were not happening. One because the girl was a tease and maybe side hustling for money and the other because I wasn’t positive if I’d be back in town on time and also got a flat tire. She asked someone else.

The other one was cancelled by a woman who has had the best DM game that I’ve read since May and we had an easy and fun conversation on the phone before we made date plans. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t super disappointed in her cancellation. I won’t text her because she said the time wasn’t right and she is presently maxed out socially, but I’ll hope that she texts me someday in the future.

Dating kind of sucks.

I am having my fourth date today. And it’s with a woman whom I’ve gone out with one time before.

We talked on the phone in May before I left for Lake Michigan. And it was hard to hang up. She can really talk. I mean that. I thought that it was maybe because she was nervous. Well, our date was like that too and I told my therapist last week that she asked me one question, and the question was defensive.

People feel some kind of way when you work in mental health.

She asked, “Do you ever have the ability to turn it off given that you provide mental health?”

I talked about what I had suggested for her son when she was talking about him and she qualified the question. She was making sure that when I meet people I don’t look for pathology.

I told her that people who don’t see their role in lack of compatibility with previous partners have red flags for me. I think understanding attachment is important. I also think that it takes two to fight and have conflict. Now that I’m not having stress of cohabiting, I can see that I’m able to resolve conflicts. I don’t have enough skills or desire to fix problems when you have to see the significant day in and day out. I’m glad that I know that about myself now.

Those things didn’t scare her off.

However, she really didn’t stop talking. They were long stories too–albeit all interesting–and sometimes I didn’t have to use attending behaviors or anything. She just talks.

So, I called it out. At the end of our date I said, “I hope that you learn some things about me when we get together in two weeks.”

My GF turned bright red when I told her that over our dinner last Saturday.

I said, “That’s mean? I meant it. She LEGIT asked me one question, and I don’t want to date someone if she doesn’t want to get to know me.”

My girlfriend said that she would be profoundly embarrassed and ashamed if I said that to her.

I told her, “You ask me questions all of the time. The first time we texted, you asked me all kinds of questions. You’re interested in me.”

My therapist thought that was a good question to see if she knew that she had dominated the conversation.

Regardless, I’m curious today if she and I have chemistry. That’s such a difficult thing. You have it or you don’t. I’m going to go to the gym now and then get ready for my date. We shall see.

by

Date

My current GF has a three-year-old. That means that this child is really her whole world. I hope that because she puts every ounce of herself into her child that will yield a securely attached person who can fit into the world.

That’s also meant that I make plans for all of our dates.

I’d like that to shift completely.

We went to an interesting talk on July 9th and out to dinner. I had fun. My GF paid for the babysitter and our dinners. The talk that we went to was related to her industry and she’d heard about it via someone she works with and a person she met at a work conference. I thanked her for the date plans and she laughed and said it wasn’t really a plan.

At the end of last year (12/31/24) she partially planned a date, and it included her best friend. She bought NYE concert tickets. I paid for parking, transportation, the babysitter and wound up tacking on dinner that night which I paid for as well. Her best friend showed up at the end of our dinner so we could transport together to the venue.

I think that last Saturday was the first full date that she planned and paid for over the course of our ten-month relationship.

She picked me up, we drove to another city, we took a stained glass class, we walked around an art fair and then had dinner together. She paid for the babysitter too.

We had a pretty tough conversation over dinner too. I feel like there were seeds planted that will continue to sprout going forward. However, the whole night yielded a net positive and we will likely have some more balanced experiences going forward. I really liked the date. I thanked her for it several times and it made me feel special.

Tonight we’re going to a theatrical rerelease of a film that I wasn’t able to see in the theater. It came out when I completed my undergraduate degree and was beginning my first round of graduate school. I’m not sure what time the babysitter will get to her, so I don’t know if we can get food before. My GF doesn’t do any carbohydrates for the most part and no sugar, so movie food isn’t an option. Worse case scenario is that we grab local burgers on the way home.

I’m a great date. I’m a great planner of dates too. I don’t take any time that I have with a beautiful woman for granted. I don’t believe in falling back on default responses or not engaging in meaningful experiences.

I hope that she knows that I want her to plan some dates for us.

by

HER

After getting banned from Tinder, I made a HER account and almost had difficulty managing it for awhile. Now, it’s simple. If you’re not verified, I don’t message you. If you’re between 25-39 I assume that you only want sex or a sugar mama. Pretty straightforward.

Enter the mountain girl.

But, first let me tell you what I had learned and utilized.

I had a rhythm. If you were real, I either waited until you messaged me or vice versa and then I scheduled a phone call. Sometimes it wasn’t getting to latter because plenty of women either freak out when you’re Solo Poly or when they really see that you are, after more DMs, they stop writing to you.

That’s all good.

I’m not looking for a standard cohabiting escalator partner.

I won’t change my mind.

I just want at least one other GFs and will continue to be open to the correct comet situations.

The mountain girl hails from Dallas and has also lived in Connecticut and travelled all over the east coast. She moved here with her partner and ran a pizzeria for awhile. They’ve been divorced a year. She’s mostly retired and has all her own money. She has a boyfriend and is a relationship anarchist. She builds her relationships individually with each person including her friends. This blog entry is a good overview of things that I believe about myself and what terms are typically in relationship anarchy.

We had great DMs and then wound up talking just under 50-minutes. She went on a weekend vacation with her BF and was texting me. That would’ve really irritated me, so that would be something that she and I would talk about prior, if we reach that level and stage.

I’m going to be in the mountains all weekend for a polyamory event.

The mountain girl and I spoke on the phone twice yesterday and I told her if it’s flex this weekend with having folks come to pick me up and not stay for a bit that I’d love to have some in person time with her. I texted the author and she said that I’m not chained to the house so of course I can meet up with her.

I can’t wait to see if we also have in person chemistry. She’s normally 4-hours away from me, and I tend to think that it’s nice to miss someone. I’m excited to see what is what. I’m also excited for my event this weekend.

by

Ouch

In addition to the severe osteoarthritis that I have, I also have chondromalacia, and have written about the damage that I did to the cartilage behind my knee. I also have bone marrow edema in my femur. I’m in a ton of pain and need to connect with my neighbor–she offered–who is a Physical Therapist.

That’s not the main topic.

It does hurt like a MF though.

I don’t think that I mentioned that there was this gigantic man was coming up the stairs when my girlfriend and I were looking for a restaurant on May 3rd. I noticed his arms, because that tends to make me feel really envious. I always wish that I could get that big. My girlfriend told me that he was breathtaking later in the evening. I didn’t love that, because I want my date to be on a date with me and not looking at other people.

The Monday before we were seeing an author, and she asked me, “Are you having a ton of fun here? All the women are so tall! I have never thought of you as short and you seem so in this crowd.” I told her, “When I’m on a date, I don’t look at other women.”

I spoke with her directly on Mother’s Day about her lusting after the young, fit guy who was on a date with his girlfriend. I didn’t like it, and I told her.

It’s interesting to me that she texted something yesterday that seemed somewhat passive aggressive.

Baby Daddy is hideous. He has his daughter’s inheritance diamond unless he pawned it. I didn’t know until May 3rd it’s a replacement ring because my GF’s mother’s ring was “lost” alongside her jewelry box when the estate finalized after her Dad died. (My GF’s mother died when she was 10.)

Her new ring that I designed was to have her birthstone, her daughter’s birthstone and a diamond in it. My GF didn’t like that idea because she said it’d look like Christmas. She’s not wrong.

Anyway, the ring is mostly homage to her parents, but she likes that the light blue sapphire is somewhat a reference to my birth month.

There were issues with the ring getting here. It was really trying and upsetting me me. I texted her, “Does nothing work post-COVID?”

She texted, “Your sex drive seems to.”

I didn’t know where that came from. I texted that I’d not had sex since the 19th of April. Then I started processing–I process really slow–and told her that I certainly wouldn’t be having sex on Friday! I also move really slow.

She did call me in the afternoon yesterday and we had a nice and easy conversation. She obviously is feeling very hurt about me dating. A week ago she said that she didn’t think that it would move fast. I’m not sure why she’d think that.

I’m 50. I am fit. I am kind. I make enough money to not have financial reason to cohabit.

Why wouldn’t I have a date within a couple of weeks of making a profile?

I’m so excited for Friday. We were originally scheduled for Wednesday, but she had to change it because her ex-husband changed his dental surgery date. She didn’t feel good about someone post-sedation watching her 10-year-old son. His surgery was yesterday.

Friday night, is a “date night” as Keanu Reeves puts it in “Something’s Gotta Give.” I like that.

by

Knee

Five-days after I last wrote in my blog there was a sloppy, snowy puddle in a dark stairwell at one of my sites. I should’ve been more careful, because a 15-year-old who I was walking out after our session fell there 20-minutes before. I helped him up. He had scrapped his shin. I thought “Don’t wear Crocs.”

Except that the stairwell is really dark when it’s overcast, so I didn’t see the puddle and fell at the base of the staircase. My leg went under and behind me. The knee hyperextended. All my weight fell on it. I had to awkwardly pull my leg out from under me. I tried to do the group that is scheduled, but my knee just kept swelling. I had to call our Human Resources Department and then get a case number and head to Urgent Care.

Although it happened on the 3rd, I had problems with the insurance adjusters. I didn’t get a MRI until the 30th. The Physician’s Assistant called me yesterday. It’s three things. Two are old things. One is brand new. I have damaged all the cartilage behind my knee cap.

I have severe osteoarthritis. This diagnosis isn’t shocking. My leg was in a full leg plaster cast for 14-months as an adolescent. I didn’t get a walking cast for a long time and then had to rehab my knee for a couple of years.

I have chondromalacia. I was born knock kneed on my left leg, and then getting hit by a car and having 7 fractures was largely unhelpful.

I will finally see the Physician on Friday. However the Physician’s Assistant told me that what is likely is that he’ll send me to the Orthopedic Surgeon for a consultation.

I’m in very good physical shape for 50. I have a realistic, yet mostly positive outlook. I think if I’m being honest with myself, it’s really a matter of timing and figuring out the best way to get a total knee replacement down the road or sooner.

It’s been very sad for me to do a super long hike quickly and then be like someone in her 70s coming back down. I am so slow with downhill anything. This issue has been going on for a long time. Now, it’s so much pain that I haven’t been able to bike to work, run on the treadmill or do the elliptical, had to quit bowling and couldn’t be on either of the kickball teams this spring.

Oof. Any thoughts?

by

Phases

When I had a two-year-old, I was single. Two is a tough age generally. The good thing about it is that they can talk, and the bad thing about it is they are still a baby.

She came over yesterday afternoon and gave me a big smile in her car as she was parking in my driveway. She wasn’t wearing her glasses so her green eyes were not obscured and beautiful. I like them when it’s overcast.

My dog got so excited that she pooped in the house and there was a loose dog outside too that I thought maybe my neighbor had adopted, but he just put it in his backyard and said he’d call. The little dog had a collar on. We finally got into my house and I took her hands and led her back to my bedroom.

My son was studying at the library yesterday.

I know that much of our obstacles are her getting used to seeing someone who doesn’t want to co-habit or remarry. However, she has said that now she likes having all of her parenting choices within her sphere of influence and that is easier in most respects.

Anyway, Baby Daddy is a piece of work. No financial, emotional or any support. He’s not seen her daughter in a couple of years and he texts “Hi,” late at night and ignores all of her texts of pictures that she used to send. He also has or has pawned a 3/4 karat diamond that he has had in a safe for their daughter which was my girlfriend’s mother’s ring. He ignores texts my girlfriend sends to ask to get it back. He’s an asshole.

The ring makes me feel awful. For that reason, I am working with a jewelry designer who I know to make a white gold ring with rhodium overlay. There will be a lab diamond and two gemstones. Hers is a ruby and her daughter’s is an emerald. I want her daughter to inherit something given that her dad may continue douchebaggery.

Yesterday after we’d connected and talked a bunch, I asked her if she wanted to go get some food.

She said that she needed to get her finger sized. (I was super concerned that she wouldn’t wear / like her birthday present so told her about it on Tuesday after we were getting a late bite after the concert.) I told her that she’s a 5. She said her finger is bigger. There is no way.

However, we went to an expensive European jewelry store in our expensive shopping district. She’s a 5.5 and she barely listened to me, but believed the proprietor when she explained European sizing, bandwidth, and when it’s cold not wanting it to slip away forever. She texted the designer her size when we left.

Then we picked up fast casual burgers and I ate mine in the car. She told me that she can’t believe how fit I am with how much I eat. She said that her ex-husband couldn’t do that either. I told her that I exercise a lot and she said, “Not really. When I was doing various tris and marathons, I was in the gym an hour a day everyday.” I didn’t tell her that a mother could never do that. And that’s true. You can’t do lots of things that you’d like to do with a kid. Some of your previous self never comes back.

I asked her if I could tag along to the daycare school and hang out with them. We talked about interesting clients on the drive over. Her daughter was stoked to see me. We all played at the park together and then I asked her not to take the highway back to her house but take street because I intended to bail out when she was at a stoplight. I did and walked home.

I’m so glad that we talked through this conflict. I can’t wait to blog about what she does for plans for us this upcoming month. We’re in different phases of life. It doesn’t change how much of my heart she has.

FocusArea=000001001
by

Adjustments

My girlfriend drove over to my house on Tuesday afternoon and we left for the concert. We were chatting and she said, “Well, there’s an elephant in the room.” I said, “You’re going to make me talk about this now instead of Sunday?” And she said, “I think I am.”

I told her that we’d been dating nearly 7-months and she hasn’t made a single plan. I told her that I had realized that after I ensured that February was a good month with lots of varied plans and we’d even had sex once which wasn’t my expectation. Her experience of February is a month marks all kinds of tragic reminders and anniversaries, so with getting through it well, I thought that we’d be solid. Then I realized that March was less plan heavy and included some expectations not being met after they were decided on. I figured that April and May could go by if I didn’t hustle with date planning.

I can’t do casual.

I need to matter.

She told me to talk to my former metamour (ex-husband). I told her absolutely not and that I didn’t want to talk shit about her with him. She said that was harsh. But, that’s what it would be. I don’t need to complain about my girlfriend to her ex-husband. I get that she isn’t good about planning and such. However, I told her that April was a call to adventure and if she wanted to see me, she has to make some plans.

She told me that it made a lot of sense.

Yesterday we were supposed to have pizza with her ex-husband to have a belated birthday celebration and then he wound up bringing his new family. I couldn’t talk to her about the changes in plans because I had fallen asleep and then had a massage. She wound up cancelling the babysitter.

I was grateful when she said that she understood that I didn’t want to go. And they all had a ton of fun. There were five of them. I wouldn’t have, and would’ve felt compelled to pay and wouldn’t have wanted a $200 or more bill. It all worked out.

She called me last night to tell me about their night and a tooth that she needs to have repaired. The crown popped off. Hopefully, I can still see her today. I get it if I can’t, and won’t trip out.

I think that we’re just working on our stuff. Some of it is mine. I don’t like ever being an afterthought. I also need to feel desired and be top of mind for a girlfriend. I’m so interested in what April will entail.

by

Comet

Almost 7-months of dating.

Oof. I’ve made all the plans for us less NYE and did add dinner to her plan because I wanted some time with her 1-1.

I’m also at a point wherein I’m not getting enough physical intimacy. That is something that I want and sometimes feel like I need.

I tried to have a friendship conversation with her on Saturday the 8th and she cried and was really upset. I think that we have been like friends all month though. She asked me, “Do you hug and kiss your friends?”

I do.

I also would be perfectly comfortable holding a friend in a bed to comfort her.

We have really fun plans this week. I told her on the phone last night that I don’t want to color those plans so we’ll have a talk on the 31st at some point. I hope that it’s not at night. I hope that it’s not in the running car while her daughter is “napping.”

In fact, now that I’m writing about it, I realize that I would pay for the super expensive older babysitter too. I don’t know if that’s on the table though because she’s her daughter.

It’s horrible, but if she doesn’t have clients that night, we may have to have the conversation at 7:30 that night. That is always a difficult time for her because it’s like her afternoon and she is intermittently sleepy.

Her sleep is 11 pm to 12 am until about 3 or 4 am. She’s up for an hour, and the she goes back to sleep until 9 or 10 am. She’s done this since her daughter was sleeping through the night.

It’s no secret that I’m both intense and passionate. I took a picture of what a friend wrote in our sophomore yearbook and sent it to him yesterday afternoon.

In 1991, he wrote, “Keep playing your guitar. For some reason, you reminded me of a big rockstar or something.” Yesterday as we were texting back and forth with him and he added, “And me writing that makes so much sense in my head still! Like you’ve always had this big energy that’s so uniquely you!!”

I endorse the quote by Naomi Wolf too. “Do nothing without passion.”

So, here’s my idea for the last day of the month. And, I want it to be that day if it’s even remotely possible.

I haven’t made a single plan for us in April.

I want to be her comet. When she feels moved to see a ballet, a show, eat Thai, BBQ, etc., she can text me. I’m totally down paying. Now that my career is filled out, I make lots of money.

I also want to be around at those rare times when running her practice, full-time parenting and managing her life leaves room and desire for sex.

However, she can text me. Things are feeling way out of balance. And it’s lacking passion.

I want to be there when it makes sense for both of us. It’s not right now.

And, I get it. She went from wanting a nesting partner and trying to get me to be convinced that I want to remarry, to not wanting a stepparent for her daughter, to now loving all her solo time that she rarely gets. She still wants a girlfriend though. And I’ve not felt like her girlfriend this month. I think that she needs to think about that a bit. I want her to hear my perspective and see what she thinks.

For my part, right now, I’d like to be her comet.