Five-days after I last wrote in my blog there was a sloppy, snowy puddle in a dark stairwell at one of my sites. I should’ve been more careful, because a 15-year-old who I was walking out after our session fell there 20-minutes before. I helped him up. He had scrapped his shin. I thought “Don’t wear Crocs.”
Except that the stairwell is really dark when it’s overcast, so I didn’t see the puddle and fell at the base of the staircase. My leg went under and behind me. The knee hyperextended. All my weight fell on it. I had to awkwardly pull my leg out from under me. I tried to do the group that is scheduled, but my knee just kept swelling. I had to call our Human Resources Department and then get a case number and head to Urgent Care.
Although it happened on the 3rd, I had problems with the insurance adjusters. I didn’t get a MRI until the 30th. The Physician’s Assistant called me yesterday. It’s three things. Two are old things. One is brand new. I have damaged all the cartilage behind my knee cap.
I have severe osteoarthritis. This diagnosis isn’t shocking. My leg was in a full leg plaster cast for 14-months as an adolescent. I didn’t get a walking cast for a long time and then had to rehab my knee for a couple of years.
I have chondromalacia. I was born knock kneed on my left leg, and then getting hit by a car and having 7 fractures was largely unhelpful.
I will finally see the Physician on Friday. However the Physician’s Assistant told me that what is likely is that he’ll send me to the Orthopedic Surgeon for a consultation.
I’m in very good physical shape for 50. I have a realistic, yet mostly positive outlook. I think if I’m being honest with myself, it’s really a matter of timing and figuring out the best way to get a total knee replacement down the road or sooner.
It’s been very sad for me to do a super long hike quickly and then be like someone in her 70s coming back down. I am so slow with downhill anything. This issue has been going on for a long time. Now, it’s so much pain that I haven’t been able to bike to work, run on the treadmill or do the elliptical, had to quit bowling and couldn’t be on either of the kickball teams this spring.
When I had a two-year-old, I was single. Two is a tough age generally. The good thing about it is that they can talk, and the bad thing about it is they are still a baby.
She came over yesterday afternoon and gave me a big smile in her car as she was parking in my driveway. She wasn’t wearing her glasses so her green eyes were not obscured and beautiful. I like them when it’s overcast.
My dog got so excited that she pooped in the house and there was a loose dog outside too that I thought maybe my neighbor had adopted, but he just put it in his backyard and said he’d call. The little dog had a collar on. We finally got into my house and I took her hands and led her back to my bedroom.
My son was studying at the library yesterday.
I know that much of our obstacles are her getting used to seeing someone who doesn’t want to co-habit or remarry. However, she has said that now she likes having all of her parenting choices within her sphere of influence and that is easier in most respects.
Anyway, Baby Daddy is a piece of work. No financial, emotional or any support. He’s not seen her daughter in a couple of years and he texts “Hi,” late at night and ignores all of her texts of pictures that she used to send. He also has or has pawned a 3/4 karat diamond that he has had in a safe for their daughter which was my girlfriend’s mother’s ring. He ignores texts my girlfriend sends to ask to get it back. He’s an asshole.
The ring makes me feel awful. For that reason, I am working with a jewelry designer who I know to make a white gold ring with rhodium overlay. There will be a lab diamond and two gemstones. Hers is a ruby and her daughter’s is an emerald. I want her daughter to inherit something given that her dad may continue douchebaggery.
Yesterday after we’d connected and talked a bunch, I asked her if she wanted to go get some food.
She said that she needed to get her finger sized. (I was super concerned that she wouldn’t wear / like her birthday present so told her about it on Tuesday after we were getting a late bite after the concert.) I told her that she’s a 5. She said her finger is bigger. There is no way.
However, we went to an expensive European jewelry store in our expensive shopping district. She’s a 5.5 and she barely listened to me, but believed the proprietor when she explained European sizing, bandwidth, and when it’s cold not wanting it to slip away forever. She texted the designer her size when we left.
Then we picked up fast casual burgers and I ate mine in the car. She told me that she can’t believe how fit I am with how much I eat. She said that her ex-husband couldn’t do that either. I told her that I exercise a lot and she said, “Not really. When I was doing various tris and marathons, I was in the gym an hour a day everyday.” I didn’t tell her that a mother could never do that. And that’s true. You can’t do lots of things that you’d like to do with a kid. Some of your previous self never comes back.
I asked her if I could tag along to the daycare school and hang out with them. We talked about interesting clients on the drive over. Her daughter was stoked to see me. We all played at the park together and then I asked her not to take the highway back to her house but take street because I intended to bail out when she was at a stoplight. I did and walked home.
I’m so glad that we talked through this conflict. I can’t wait to blog about what she does for plans for us this upcoming month. We’re in different phases of life. It doesn’t change how much of my heart she has.
My girlfriend drove over to my house on Tuesday afternoon and we left for the concert. We were chatting and she said, “Well, there’s an elephant in the room.” I said, “You’re going to make me talk about this now instead of Sunday?” And she said, “I think I am.”
I told her that we’d been dating nearly 7-months and she hasn’t made a single plan. I told her that I had realized that after I ensured that February was a good month with lots of varied plans and we’d even had sex once which wasn’t my expectation. Her experience of February is a month marks all kinds of tragic reminders and anniversaries, so with getting through it well, I thought that we’d be solid. Then I realized that March was less plan heavy and included some expectations not being met after they were decided on. I figured that April and May could go by if I didn’t hustle with date planning.
I can’t do casual.
I need to matter.
She told me to talk to my former metamour (ex-husband). I told her absolutely not and that I didn’t want to talk shit about her with him. She said that was harsh. But, that’s what it would be. I don’t need to complain about my girlfriend to her ex-husband. I get that she isn’t good about planning and such. However, I told her that April was a call to adventure and if she wanted to see me, she has to make some plans.
She told me that it made a lot of sense.
Yesterday we were supposed to have pizza with her ex-husband to have a belated birthday celebration and then he wound up bringing his new family. I couldn’t talk to her about the changes in plans because I had fallen asleep and then had a massage. She wound up cancelling the babysitter.
I was grateful when she said that she understood that I didn’t want to go. And they all had a ton of fun. There were five of them. I wouldn’t have, and would’ve felt compelled to pay and wouldn’t have wanted a $200 or more bill. It all worked out.
She called me last night to tell me about their night and a tooth that she needs to have repaired. The crown popped off. Hopefully, I can still see her today. I get it if I can’t, and won’t trip out.
I think that we’re just working on our stuff. Some of it is mine. I don’t like ever being an afterthought. I also need to feel desired and be top of mind for a girlfriend. I’m so interested in what April will entail.
Oof. I’ve made all the plans for us less NYE and did add dinner to her plan because I wanted some time with her 1-1.
I’m also at a point wherein I’m not getting enough physical intimacy. That is something that I want and sometimes feel like I need.
I tried to have a friendship conversation with her on Saturday the 8th and she cried and was really upset. I think that we have been like friends all month though. She asked me, “Do you hug and kiss your friends?”
I do.
I also would be perfectly comfortable holding a friend in a bed to comfort her.
We have really fun plans this week. I told her on the phone last night that I don’t want to color those plans so we’ll have a talk on the 31st at some point. I hope that it’s not at night. I hope that it’s not in the running car while her daughter is “napping.”
In fact, now that I’m writing about it, I realize that I would pay for the super expensive older babysitter too. I don’t know if that’s on the table though because she’s her daughter.
It’s horrible, but if she doesn’t have clients that night, we may have to have the conversation at 7:30 that night. That is always a difficult time for her because it’s like her afternoon and she is intermittently sleepy.
Her sleep is 11 pm to 12 am until about 3 or 4 am. She’s up for an hour, and the she goes back to sleep until 9 or 10 am. She’s done this since her daughter was sleeping through the night.
It’s no secret that I’m both intense and passionate. I took a picture of what a friend wrote in our sophomore yearbook and sent it to him yesterday afternoon.
In 1991, he wrote, “Keep playing your guitar. For some reason, you reminded me of a big rockstar or something.” Yesterday as we were texting back and forth with him and he added, “And me writing that makes so much sense in my head still! Like you’ve always had this big energy that’s so uniquely you!!”
I endorse the quote by Naomi Wolf too. “Do nothing without passion.”
So, here’s my idea for the last day of the month. And, I want it to be that day if it’s even remotely possible.
I haven’t made a single plan for us in April.
I want to be her comet. When she feels moved to see a ballet, a show, eat Thai, BBQ, etc., she can text me. I’m totally down paying. Now that my career is filled out, I make lots of money.
I also want to be around at those rare times when running her practice, full-time parenting and managing her life leaves room and desire for sex.
However, she can text me. Things are feeling way out of balance. And it’s lacking passion.
I want to be there when it makes sense for both of us. It’s not right now.
And, I get it. She went from wanting a nesting partner and trying to get me to be convinced that I want to remarry, to not wanting a stepparent for her daughter, to now loving all her solo time that she rarely gets. She still wants a girlfriend though. And I’ve not felt like her girlfriend this month. I think that she needs to think about that a bit. I want her to hear my perspective and see what she thinks.
My stylist had food poisoning last weekend so I didn’t get my hair cut or my highlights redone until Saturday. She was super efficient and my hair looks good. It’s really short and angled now. I love it.
I had way too lofty goals over the weekend, but did get several things accomplished.
I broke down the gel packs and wash them all for recycling. I have a gigantic apricot tree that will appreciate the water and non-toxic material that becomes moisture over time.
I took everything off of the patio
I used my neighbors’ pressure washer on the patio and around my French doors
I got rid of the plastic outdoor furniture less the chaise chair that I can use to get little bits of sun in my bikini.
I completely emptied the BBQ rack and moved it to the corner of the patio where the Weber and the chimney to start fires are
I put tools in my new shed
I placed a hold on the book for next Saturday night from the library for Book Club
My son came home from his girlfriend’s parents’ house on Sunday and we talked through retaking his exam, scheduling and my paying for a driver’s test, and his emptying the patio with my help.
He had a weird week and was moody and rude.
I had plans with the Ballet Dancer, but she’s been sick for a couple of weeks and has a hideous cough. I texted the Realtor / Photographer, and she was being kind saying that I could join her and housemate, but I don’t know her new housemate, so it could get very weird. I’m not usually a fan of strangers except in short bursts. I can meet strangers in activities. I like to bowl and play kickball most and have taken a few outdoor classes. Ballet Dancer is the only friend who’s stuck who I met in a class.
Monday I averaged 145 which is better for bowling. On Tuesday I worked in person with the students and it was also better than average. I saw two movies in the theater this week.
Wednesday: Did you know that Kubrick made a Hollywood style heist film? “The Killing” was good!
Sterling Hayden was the only actor who I recognized, but the others were really good.
It was quickly paced and short for a film in the 60s
There was a lot of humor
I don’t know why, but it reminded me a bit of “Strangers on a Train,” and I’m generally a huge fan of Hitchcock
Thursday: I saw “On Becoming a Guinea Fowl”
Girls in their early 20s reflect on being raped as adolescents by a village elder who has at least four victims–those who you meet in the film anyway
The elder, like all the men in the film, is tolerated and excused for violent behavior. Other men in the film seem immature and entitled.
It had wonderful cinematography and I thought that the metaphor was well framed in the film
It was a very sad movie
I teach tonight after the day job, but it’s on Zoom and is really easy. I really enjoy this group of students too.
I finally see my girlfriend tonight. It will be incredibly brief, but it will be so nice to catch up with her in person. We always text, and I have spoken with her on the phone Monday and Thursday for about half-an-hour each time, but in person is always much better. I’ll see her for about an hour on Saturday night too. Tomorrow, which is Saturday, marks 6-months of us dating.
I’ve given a ton of Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children test events. There was a question on an old version of it within the Verbal domain that asked kids to think about why it’s important than getting the news from a newspaper rather than a tv news program.
What would David Wechsler think of the Internet?
Of Tik Tok?
Anyway, I just subscribed to “The Atlantic,” and am enjoying the digital articles about current events. I still scan The Times most mornings; however, it’s less enflaming to read a magazine for me…
How do you get your news? Do you read a picture magazine or the digital version? Do you get newsprint on your hands still daily or once a week?
My girlfriend wound up talking to me for 15-minutes on Sunday regarding that brunch was cancelled. I felt like it was a related behavior when she had her best friend accompany us for Thanksgiving Tree Lighting. She had asked if my voicing a concern was to be in person or on the phone. I said that either was fine, but that sending screenshots would feel awful. And it would have.
I told her that I had a piece of fun and also something that was friction when she called me. It hadn’t become a fight yet. She said that she’d like the friction first.
I said, “Ok, it made me feel bad when we got back to your house last night and you said that swimming was now 10-12. I realized that _______ and I would be at your house for under an hour and you’d be getting up to leave for _____’s house and be rushed. There was no brunch anymore and that was our family plan for the holiday. It seems related to my telling you that Thanksgiving is the only holiday that I really care about and then _____ was included in the tree lighting.”
She said, “I’m sorry.”
She paused and I said, “Thank you.”
She explained that it didn’t feel good at all to change Christmas Eve Brunch plans and she didn’t like it either. Then she talked about how she understood that it wasn’t fair that our only plans just us three with her daughter included her best friend after we’d made concrete plans after Thanksgiving.
So easy. I was heard, validated, and she made a sincere apology.
Then she told me that scheduling has generally never been her forte, so when these things happen again, I should remind her.
I said I understood that it’s a shortcoming, but feeling like I was an afterthought was upsetting.
She said, “You’re not an afterthought.”
Without my suggesting it, she said, “What I am going to do is cancel with _____. [Her daughter] doesn’t know what dates are, so swimming anytime in the next few days will mean swimming with _____.”
I didn’t want her to do that, and I asked her not to, but she did it anyway.
We had family brunch.
Her daughter told my metamour that the best thing about the day was [my son] that night.
It was resolved. I think that our plans will now be our own. I have a piece of data proving that, too.
I asked her if she would go to dinner with me before the concert that she’s taking me and her best friend on New Year’s Eve (NYE). She said that she would and I’ve made reservations for us. We will meet her friend an hour before the concert begins. We’ll all watch the concert together. It’s funny, but I spent NYE with her best friend last year.
What feels good to you when you’re resolving a problem? How do you like to fight? What do disagreements serve for us in relationship?
It’s likely that I am now fully in menopause. I haven’t had a cycle this year. It’s strange, because my mother had cycles until she was in her early 60s. There are only 74-days left this year, so we’ll see.
I haven’t slept really well since before I got married. My ex-wife had nightmares and would often scream in the night. Of course, given that she was in state of sleep paralysis, the scream was like a moan until she could wake herself up and then really start screaming. She eventually slept in the spare bedroom, but because it’s across a fairly narrow hallway, I would have to go over there and either wake her up or knock on the door if she had it locked. My sleep became poor during my marriage, but if she was elsewhere, as she was sometimes for a few months, I could always sleep 7-9 hours.
My son has been out of my house for 15-months so humans don’t wake me up.
I do that myself.
Last night, I was wide awake at 12:30 (I guess Friday morning is accurate). I got up. Reread text messages between my girlfriend and I whilst sipping Valerian tea. I slept another 4-hours.
I feel fine.
I had two rounds of dreams as well.
I would like to go back to 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And I’ve had medical advice from a FNP. I’ll reproduce some of it here.
Magnesium can make me feel like I have a sleep hangover. I wake up and I’m groggy. Not that the FNP suggested this oral over the counter, but the same is true of taking melatonin. I feel groggy the next day. I have taken CBD and had mixed results with it (not medically advised), and sometimes it also can make me groggy.
I shouldn’t read in bed. I should read in the living room and then go to bed afterward.
Unfortunately, I grind my teeth. However, I have an incredibly expensive custom nightguard now, so I’m adjusted to that just now. Even that took time, because I guess I was trying to grind my teeth initially, because they would feel weird when I woke up and took out the nightguard. They feel fine now, and have for the entirety of this week.
I also sometimes fist my hands in sleep and wake up with hands so sore that it feels like I’ve been boxing. That hasn’t happened in a few months though.
What sleep advice do you have for a 50-year-old? How do you sleep? How has the quality of your sleep changed?
I spent my 20s establishing my career, my 30s coming out, my 40s getting financially stable, and wonder what my 50s will hold. I’m not sure.
I got off of a plane and had a private driver explain the boroughs of NYC to me after he offered to take me to my hotel. He told me some things that I could do which would be unique. After I checked in, I went walking.
After a huge serving of guacamole and two tacos, I heard the staff singing to a man and realized, “Wait, it’s after 2 in the morning, so it’s my birthday! I went over to his table and asked when his birthday was and it was actually the day before. I told him that mine was today. He wished me a happy birthday.
An hour later, the staff came out with a vanilla ice cream rolled in toasted coconut topped with sprinkles. They sang to me, which I usually hate, but it made me happy. I told everyone at the restaurant that I was 50.
Did you know that Julia Child was an accomplished chef, but that her tv show which propelled her into fame was filmed when she was in her 50s? Judi Dench was a stage actress who’s appearance in “Goldeneye” made her famous. She made that film at 50. I hope to publish my book at 50.
I did things the next day that made me happy. I looked at art for 4-hours and walked everywhere. I went to a restaurant in Manhattan on the other side of Central Park, and I tried to eat broccoli rabe, but they didn’t have any, so I ate roasted carrots and calamari rings with homemade red sauce. When I did finally get back to where I was staying I read “Class,” and spoiler alert, this book is even better than “Maid” is.
NYC was a great place to reach 50. I’m glad that I made it happen. My other goals pertain to my book, reading for pleasure everyday, staying healthy and strong, working on my emotional landscape and being intentional with my time.
I try to ensure that I’m reading everyday because I want to publish my book this year. Right now, I’m looking for an illustrator. Batman is off-grid. I took her bio off of my website. I can’t wait around for her, so I’m contacting folks on Fiverr. I thought that I had a good connection with an artist in Spain, but now the messages are gone. I have to keep plugging away
Making it to half a century is a big deal. I want to stay in good physical condition and connect with people who I love. It’s important to me to continue things that are meaningful to me, and I know that I want to let go of many other habits thereby disrupting some behavior patterns.
I read an article to get ready to write this post. The author says that when women turn fifty that they have to see if the curtains that see match the patterns in themselves inwardly and outwardly. Looking inward is always a little difficult for me.
I struggle a bit making sense of my own emotions (inwardly) so I have to take lots of time to process. I wonder if it would be helpful to rate my emotion daily as a tracking? Outwardly, I’m in good physical shape–especially for my age and the fact that my body was in pieces 36-years ago. I think that my body matches my mindset. I am thinking about tracking where I am day to day with my sleep, activity, level and human connections that occur in real life.
I’ve done it. I am the last one in my family of origin and I’m half a century. I visited the coolest city in the world (I’ll have an entry upcoming.). I have been reading voraciously, I am contacting professional illustrators for my book, I am quite fit, I am committed to improving my emotional bandwidth, and I refuse to say yes to spending time with anyone who’s life I don’t enhance and vice versa.
The woman from group texted me last night. She’s good at writing small statements so that you’ll share more and asks good questions. She also texted several times, “Good question.” And then would answer me in longer paragraphs. I counted–because I like details–and she sent 60 texts.
We had a nice text connection. I’ll see her a week from today. She suggested Saturday night dinner. I wrote:
Very bold! What if I’m a hideous dinner companion? Then you’re stuck for two-hours…
Wanna take a walk Sunday before work? I love being outside… I would enjoy getting to know you better.
And I would. I love that she is smart, a mother of one, athletic, and straightforward. I’m looking forward to Sunday. She’s also just three-years younger than me, which is lovely. I like fellow Gen Xers.
One of her texts to me said:
That makes sense. I’ve never been drawn to strangers. I tend to go the opposite direction where I try to make deep attachments.
So I asked her if she was a water sign in the Chinese Zodiac. Of course she is. No other person from another element would say something like that about people.
My ex-husband and the woman who moved to FL, had to get a new liver, and with whom I was originally with in a polyamorous relationship share birthdays. They’re five-years apart to the day. I think that’s odd. I met him in a college theater club and I met her in a bar. I think that I am drawn to strangers. I get a feeling that I should talk to them 1-1.
They were both water signs.
I’m trying to think what’s important to me in terms of characteristics in someone with whom I am romantic.
Chemistry is a definite thing that I need. That comes from looks and ability to have engaging conversations. I like to laugh. I also can’t imagine being with someone who isn’t either an athlete or a dancer. She’s both.
I also loathe shitty hugs. In fact, I have a couple of friends who I won’t hug because of the half-assed, weird lean, and flutter pat on the back that they provide. I think that I’ll ask, “Are you ok with hugs?” when we meet initially next week for our walk. That will be good information.
I met her in our women’s group, and I don’t usually stay after group to chat. That’s largely because I don’t like groups of people unless there is a specific activity. After the discussion is over, I leave.
Honestly, I’m glad to have a date with a new woman. It’s also incredibly nice to have someone initiate interest in me. (I guess with the last two women who I’ve kissed since I’ve been divorced, both did initiate. I’ll have to consider that for future writing.)
My preference would be to be seeing 2-3 women and it would be really neat if a woman lived elsewhere. I like seeing new places and have only met up with a woman in a location when I was seeing the woman who moved to FL. Romantic get aways are fun.
I told her toward the end of three-hours of texting that I’m intentional. I don’t want to add any people to my life unless I enhance theirs. I like to be helpful, am direct, and a bit peculiar. I am looking forward to time with her in person next Sunday to see if we are meant to be friends or more.
We’ve had a few warm days. The new trees have leaf buds on them and most of the trees in the neighborhood are now fully leafed out. This year, I’ll get nearly as many irises as I did last year. One did snap in the high winds, but is still tilted on the plant. Last year it rained all May and June and we’ve had little moisture this year. I had tons of irises last year and didn’t see them until they were spent. I was a mess last spring given trying to get the house on the market.
We had these bulbs for 8-years, but they didn’t bloom until after our divorce. They were given to my ex-wife by a friend that she ended her friendship with because of the friend not prioritizing her.
We won both games of kickball last night. I got on base four times and scored runs twice. I popped the ball up during our last game because the sun was setting in my eyes. I tagged a runner out before he could score or get back to third.
I’ve started running again and will do mostly interval runs. I had forgotten how hungry running makes me, but I’ll do it because my son is going to the gym with me twice a week with a goal of three times. I had already been doing the elliptical every Monday, and don’t want to get bored. I also believe in cross training, so running again every week will be good.
I have to walk my dogs and then go to one of our largest parks in the city for the spring clean up. I love volunteering and will do more of it now that I only have one class to teach in the summer term.
Did you know that you have a knock sensor in your engine? Mine was failing. The check engine light is no longer intermittently coming on, but it was $648.
I have to go to Ann Taylor for slacks and a new shirt. I don’t have any slacks that fit me very well. I don’t want to be in a dress at my dinner tonight because my legs are sooooo white. I bruise really easily too so I need a tan to wear shorts, or bare leg skirts and dresses.
The event is a dinner. I was invited by the author. She is becoming a mentor to me. I get to go to our group on the 20th as well. I’ll be done with bowling league this Monday.
I’m that combination of nervous-excited. Uncomfortable emotions for sure, but I’m pushing through them.
Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.
McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.
I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living
Let’s see:
I moved out when I was almost 19
I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
I lived with my son for 17-years
I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)
I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.
I used to watch those when I’d get back to my room when I was on a solo vacation. Detectives had to make quick investigative moves within the initial exploration of a crime and there would be a countdown timer running to break up scenes and visually illustrate how cold a trail can go if you don’t have major lead for crime within two days. The climber gives me feedback, has dinner with me, we look at two published books which fit best the genre that we’re writing in, she talks about being excited to sketch, we cuddle on the couch and talk for probably nearly two hours, later we kiss awhile too in the bedroom, she goes home to her partner, I work all day the next day and learn about affirming transgender youth, have fraud on my debit card, go to dinner with Aquarius and Ballet Dancer, get up today, am going to box, do a bit of the guitar class and go to our old haunt for bowling. Whew.
Love Life Progression
She had something really intense happen in her household. She had to support, drive around, and then did make it over. Initially she said that she didn’t really want to talk about it, and then she told me details. I held her incredibly tight. When I said, “I’m shocked that you’re here,” she said, “You of all people are someone who understands these things.” She said that she needed distraction, so I opened good tequila, and we had that and the taco soup that I made. I cleared the dishes and we looked at the pages. She gave me some feedback and I took notes. Then I said that we should sit down. I got her a blanket and we were talking. My terrier was in between us and I said that she was a cuddle buzzkill because I am mostly legs and she’s really muscular so our torsos aren’t a perfect fit sideways on a love seat. She moved my dog, pivoted sideways and I slid behind her. We talked like that for probably close to two-hours.
There is a huge shift since the end of January wherein I told her that I don’t know her well. She offers a lot to me. She also converses with me back and forth when I ask questions. It feels so much different than it ever has. She told me that she watches my hands on the steering wheel and I told her that her ears are the cutest ones that I have ever seen and I look at them when her hair is up. We both said that we could probably comment on hands and ears because the nice guy would be asleep in the back of the car anyway. She can do this thing where if she has contact with your upper body that she can match the pace of your breathing. Later I laid on her chest and she said, “What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, laying on you like this makes my heart race!” She said, “You’re barely breathing.” Later she asked if she could kiss me and I said, “Of course.” I hope that helped my breathing!
No more talk therapy for me personally
The Rower has a crush on a woman who does an alternate trauma treatment. It’s called breath work. She cried for two hours once in a session. I think that I’ll do some. I also want to start supervised psychedelic treatment. I’m so sick of anxiety and disrupted sleep. I would like to work on the way that I breathe and carry myself.
My son wants to move back home. I really don’t want him here. I’ve had almost 7-months of empty nesting and am perfectly fine seeing him once a week. He also has this prince thing wherein he has expectations of meals and such all the time. I find that I can’t be around someone who cannot follow a schedule. How can watching some gamer that you don’t know beat a video game on YouTube for hours on end be fulfilling? He also has stopped moving and says that he is reluctant to have his fellow students work on him because of the state of his body. Why do you only eat food out of boxes and bags then? I’m writing this stuff, but will be diplomatic on Monday night about it. He just can’t simply move back home because now that he’s in school, and it’s hard to do school and live with his Dad. I’m very sorry that his father is an alcoholic and binge drinker. That does suck. I also am not a servant who you get to say “F-U” to constantly.
In terms of the theme of this entry, I think that I’m making progress. Maybe this entry is more like 49-years? It’s taken me this long to get solid about what I truly want and where I’m going.
My Aunt was here nine-days and not a week. She was with her daughter for two nights, but otherwise with me. We had a good time and just one little conflict.
I worked 8-7 on Friday and was basically chained to my home office desk in Zoom. That software is useful, but is being used for something that it wasn’t designed to do now. I had seen it in 2015 as a pop-up meeting application and now classes are held on it. I mostly refuse. However, at one university I have students in AK, FL, IL, WA, and other states. I have to run a supervision time with them on Zoom because of geography–it’s only two-hours with a 15-20 minute break. However, on the days that I’m on it for speaking mostly and posing questions, I get weird. I was weird Friday night, because I’d been in evaluation meetings via Zoom all day and then led supervision afterward.
I got up Saturday, did my slow leisurely coffee, and then when I got back my Aunt texted that she was really close. I realized that my house would just be dirty and messy when she got here and she’d have to deal with it because she’d chosen to come early. When she got here, I found out that she was staying through Monday. However, she’s a link to my Mom. My Mom has been gone two-years yesterday. And my Aunt sees me. All of me. She’s super religious in a rigid way wherein everything is tied back to God’s plan so grief isn’t a thing and neither is much of anything else; however, she doesn’t care at all that I was married to a woman for 8-years. She adored my ex-wife. She knew me when I looked like a boy too, so she accepts me. She’s only 20-years older than I am.
Wednesday, we had Thanksgiving with her, my son, eventually my son’s girlfriend–she had another accident so was late here–and Rower and her son. Rower has been my friend for 12-years and is a phenomenal athlete. She is going through a breakup right now, and the writing of which had been on the wall for months, so she was sad and didn’t eat. I just love her son now. He went through an entitled stage and now is a joy. I’m going to find something for the four of us to do together when he turns 15 in two weeks. My neighbors, who are my family now, came over and taught us Just One and we ate spiced pumpkin cheesecake and a cherry pie with a lattice top. (Don’t ever buy pie filling. Spring for $17 of water packed cherries and make it yourself with real almond extract.)
The sage looks a little unsettling under the skin
I picked up tamales from my friend who is broke. She earned money for her rent by making 50 dozen for the holiday. I made pintos with red chili and Mexican rice with ground green chili to accompany them. So, we ate well for a couple of days.
I did a lot of cleaning and laundry. My Aunt was watching me fold towels one morning and said, “You need a wife.” I said, “There will never be another wife.” It gave me pause. My mother never would have said that to me. When she was so angry with me one time, probably around 2009 or so, she said, “It’s different when you have gay people in your own family!” My aunt sees the whole me and loves me. My sexuality doesn’t matter to her at all.
The nice guy and Batman and I commuted yesterday. It was ok. I’m sometimes really troubled by how stoned the former is all the time. I don’t know a ton about marijuana, but I have heard that it stunts your progress in the cognitive realm. He seems really young to me a lot of the time. I am ten-years-older than he is, but I do think that taking edibles all day makes you seem kinda simple. Batman was scheduled to the max last night and is tonight too. I’ll see them both on Monday.
My brother would have been 40 on Monday. It’s strange and sad. I definitely think about him almost everyday.
I have a discussion group on Monday night. I’m really looking forward to it. I hope that I get to see the author too. She is slowly losing her mother, and I’d love to connect with her. I will write again on Tuesday.
I slept like complete poo last night. I woke up at 10:30 and then midnight and had significant difficulty going back to sleep. Our Boss is now a bully at this site and I feel worried about the horrible afternoon meeting because it’s difficult to avoid being yelled at by her. She does it in front of everyone too. The good thing is that when I was tossing and turning not being able to get back to sleep with the midnight waking hour is that I came out to the living room, snuggled my cinnamon roll shaped dog and checked my phone. Batman texted me a picture of her in her Halloween costume that she wore to her themed dance Saturday. She looked so hot and it was a tight costume so you could see muscles and physique. AND, the nice guy is taking his car to get his moon roof fixed so it’s just us two this morning!
I will knock on her door this morning and ask her if she has her calendar. I want to do dinner and an aerial dance show on Friday or next Friday. I hope that she says yes!
Tonight is a huge group of folks for karaoke. The nice guy will be there–hopefully with an operational moon roof on his Jeep–and I invited Brooklyn and he and I both invited our colleague who almost died. I had a ton of fun with her in a Key West themed restaurant on Saturday. We both cried a tiny bit at dinner. I’m so glad that she didn’t, in her words, “join my [her] Daddy” last year at this time. She is also bringing her new roommate and her roommate’s mother. We worked with the former for a few years before she left given that she couldn’t survive our old Boss. I guess that we’re testing the Realtor’s extroversion this evening.
I went to my friend’s house early last Saturday because she skipped yoga. We embraced for a long time and gave each other a kiss–Italians do that; it’s ok. And then we walked 6-miles catching up. We worked in her garden, made pesto, and drank a beer. We made a GIANT salad and some pasta.
I was shocked about the beer and pasta. She’s been gluten free since the very earliest 2000s. She said that she does fine with it when it’s in little doses. I believe that most of gut health is neurotransmitters and responses to stress hormones.
I can’t tell you how good it is to be reconnected to her again. She really knew my parents as do both of the ___’s that I’m still connected with, and that means something to me. They were so demented and in active decline when I got married that my ex-wife couldn’t really interact with them. They became just odd and sad to be around. My Dad said, “I didn’t sleep last night. I have to go the bathroom.” That’s all he said too. When asked questions, he would confuse pronouns. My friend was so upset and cried when I told her about the end of my parents’ lives. It’s definitely a unique situation.
I had fun on the new routes in the climbing class on Sunday. I’m looking forward to climbing gym time this winter. I need to learn how to plan routes. I’m going to play kickball on a gay league starting on the 22nd or 29th. I also want to add an abs day to my regime. I think that Thursday would be good.
My Boss in one of my assignments is behaving really poorly. She is requiring two nights and a Saturday. I’m not doing those dates and she can make me available to the market if she thinks that I’m supposed to. I am hired by a super large organization and placed in sites to see clients. I emailed my manager and she said, yes, I wouldn’t have nights or Saturday work because it’s outside my contract hours.
I’m beyond cool with my other Boss. I do the majority of my extra contracted obligations at that site, and I always work there 3-4 days a week. The other Boss is acting like she is cracking down on all of us. I don’t think that the nice guy should sleep at work, and I don’t think that the climber should miss weeks of work and also be late all the time. However, also as Susan Scott writes about and says, that doesn’t mean that non-specific feedback to everyone or group punishments will be healthy for the organization. It feels like she is sanctioning all of us. Honestly, now that it’s year 2 with my teammates in my main site, we run it like a well-oiled machine. I did all my documentation yesterday at that site, and wouldn’t need to do any paperwork in my other site. If I have to leave, I’ll leave. The nice guy and the climber have my phone number if they want to see me. I’ve had some of the same friends for 23-years not including my son’s godmother (30) and my best friend from middle school (36).
I finally have a hair appointment today. I feel like a shaggy beast. It will be so nice to have my partial highlights again, too. I am making two quiches tonight or tomorrow morning for brunch with my neighbors. We have to drink the sparkling Rosé that the Realtor gave me too. I really, really need to clean and trim bushes this weekend as well. I have to wash my car too because the climber had to use her inhaler a million times on our commute last week.
I’m going to celebrate my birthday with a couple of women from our bowling team and a speech pathologist who I worked closely with during the pandemic. We’re doing coastal Mexican food on a heated patio. The day before our summit trip, my best friend is taking me to modern Italian in a popular spot. The place has a full bar, so I probably will drink a glass of Zinfandel or Pinot Noir instead of a beer. I usually drink beer. My Boss who is decidedly being normal, and mini-Boss will be there too, which will be nice. I also have the Women’s Discussion Group on Thursday so although I don’t teach twice in person like I did this week, I’m very busy. Sunday will be fun, but I can’t describe to you how tired I will be. Elevation wears you out. That means that really Friday is my down day. I only want to contact a company who will move this piano to my friend’s house. The one who I sing with occasionally. These things help me not think solely about my brother being gone 35-years. I’m lucky.
Yesterday, the GPS took me to the hospital area instead of the train station hub. I had copy and pasted the title company address from an email into a calendar notice. I was in front of a brewery looking for a building large enough to accommodate suites and called the Realtor. She asked if I could see the train station, and I was incredulous. I got back in the car, used the address that she gave me for the parking garage, after going up many levels decided just to park in a “Compact” space and went in. It was so quick. Likely, I worked with the Closer for 15-minutes total. I got to work at my other site and did determine that my Boss there is being really weird. I think it’s because I’m fairly close now with my colleague who almost died and she got sanctioned by HR for talking about her after she, in the words of Susan Scott, “made her available to the market.”
I was emotional for most of the day when I wasn’t working directly with my clients. I told the nice guy that I was so close bursting into tears. I told him that on Wednesday when I locked my keys in the house, I stood in my brother’s closet (for the last time) and said goodbye to him, and that there really isn’t a single person who would understand having no original, immediate family by the time that she was 47.
The Climber did get stuck. She had to shelter in place for two extra days, and assured me that after 11-years, she and her other builders had extra food and water. She did say that she saw two cars spin in the mud while their cars just sank down up to the engine mounts. Some people really do think that they’re special. As usual, it was nice to see her, and as is typical she nodded off a few times in our dark, terrible meeting. It was in a different room and all the lights were off and because it faces south, the shades were down. I think that she probably falls asleep off and on all day because of the lack of sleeping at night. She looked great: bronze, and in new, quite tight, pants. She is so short and it’s funny that I’d even look at her. Probably some of it is that I do know how her back and arms feel. I will write it again: her ball, her court.
The Realtor gave me a gift bag. I asked, “Is there booze in here?!?” She indicated that there was, and I said, “Should I park somewhere and drain this bottle of wine?” She told me that she couldn’t advise me either way about that. I said, “Always the professional.” I’ll write a really good recommendation for her on LinkedIn before I leave after opening the bag. Yesterday was emotionally draining, so I have tons of stuff on my dining area table. I had to call her one more time yesterday because when my buddy went to the house to get the loveseat and table and chairs, the husband in the buyer’s couple said that they wanted the loveseat. They apparently left my buddy waiting for a callback from the wife to her husband and my buddy just left, and took those to a school where I donated them. They kept four chairs. The Realtor sounded appalled when I called her. I don’t care. Those solid oak chairs were in that house for decades. It’s sweet that they’re still there. Just odd behavior from those buyers. I hope that they’re cool.
After work, I went over to the credit union to check the estate account to determine if proceeds had wired there. It was there so I paid myself back to my savings account $7040.60. Now, I’m letting everything sit in it. I need some advice from my FA, and need to upload things for the Accountant. I need to call my Attorney next week and close probate.
Here are my plans: porch extension, new cooler, sprinklers for a little patch in my backyard, refinish the hardwoods and fix the bowed ones in my bedroom, paint my whole house, cap the gas off, get an electric furnace, and an electric water heater, add two solar panels and also a skylight, fix the main bathroom fan and vent through the attic my stove fan. It’s probably close to 100k, and I’d rather get a specialized loan. I don’t actually want to touch my inheritance at all. Thus, why I want to talk to my FA, Accountant and Attorney, because I want to ensure that everything is solid.
Today, I’ll be less emotional. I am reconnecting with my friend who I’ve not spoken to at all since 2014 or 2015. She’s Italian too, and is from Brooklyn. We just have beautiful friend chemistry and I can’t wait. This summer my best friend asked if I have anyone in my life who I miss and have any longing to see and I said, “Just __. I actually can only speculate about what happened between us, and I still miss her. We both had completely crazy, Italian grandmothers.” Now, she’s back. And from a FB post! She wrote, “I miss you,” on a photo that I’d posted. I told my best friend that when I told her about ___ that shifted things. My best friend is pure magic. Tomorrow I climb on those three routes. Two are so hard. I’m going to get max sleep tonight so I can get up to the top of the easy route and really try as hard as I can on the two difficult ones. Monday, I drive in the Climber and the nice guy.
I had a solid week at work. I taught last Friday and then this Tuesday night and was in both of my buildings for daytime pursuits on the typical days–sometimes Mondays and Fridays switch in terms of the building that I’m in. (That will happen this week, and I’ll be very late and not be able to drive in with the climber, Batman, or the nice guy until 9/11.)
It’s been so good to be back with people. That’s so funny for me to even say because I’m an introvert. My best friend texted me and said, “Go line dancing with me tonight? I miss you.” I had to decline because I’d been out many nights in a row and was peopled out. I can give the excuse that my pets need me around, but really work involves a lot of talking and much of it is with people that I care an awful lot about, so I just need hours of me time afterwards.
Now that I don’t work Saturdays anymore I can slowly sip coffee and write. I love both of those things.
From my solo vacation in 2021. It’s really good drip coffee and a spinach pastelillos.
I’ll reflect on everything that has happened. I won’t pop over to Miami and get a pastelillos, sadly.
I paid my ex-wife. The title company called me and said, “It’s an estate sale, and everything goes into an estate account, and no cashier’s checks can come out.” I said, “I don’t want to pay taxes on $75,000.” She said, “I can check with our legal team, but I’m nearly positive that can’t happen.” I thought and thought and thought. Then I realized that my Financial Advisor (FA) was completely accurate last summer when he said that wasn’t the way it worked and that what people bring into a marriage is what they get back. She retained her condo, I retained my house. Recall that only for about a year did my ex-husband ever contribute to this mortgage and she gave $400 here and there. Rent here are about $1200 for a small apartment or room in a house.
So, I wrote this in our Google Sheet:
You cannot receive an invoice or a cashier’s check because the house is not mine, but is sold through the Estate of ______________________. It’s being sold as part of an estate and through a personal representative’s deed. Taxes on the estate will be paid less the contractors, agent fees, closing costs and other county fees. That will be completed in the spring per the accountant.
I will hire an attorney to review the financial disclosures from the decree to determine what more is owed to you. Then you will be paid that amount.
I thought and thought and thought some more.
I then realized that I know the cash value of my pension, SS, and IRA. So, I added those, divided them by two, realized that I have worked 33-years now, and was married for 8. That ratio is 8/33 or 24%, so I multiplied that by the halved cash assets and came up with 24k. I had forgotten that I had already paid her $750 eleven times at the time. I thought it was 17k, which is so much less than 75k and made me realize that my FA was right! Anyway, I have a consult on October 13th with an attorney who sponsors our local NPR station. I likely don’t owe her nearly as much as I’d charitably agreed to paying her.
I’ll have it squared away before this year ends. Marriages take seconds and divorces are super complicated. Both of my exes are really reasonable people too, so I feel for other folks who are actually dealing with dissention.
I had dinner with my son on Monday. That day really didn’t work for me, but he’d suggested Tuesday or Wednesday. I taught in person this Tuesday night and Wednesday I had a poker lesson. More on those in subsequent paragraphs. It meant that I skipped guitar, which isn’t a good thing. It was innocuous. It really reminded me of how it was to live with him. He has a smart phone now–his Dad pays for it and the bill–and he laid on the couch, got tired, only ate one plate of food, and I took him home. We’d run a bunch of errands together after work though and that was good because we walked side-by-side and so he talked to me a bunch about his personal life. He isn’t working, doing psychiatry, talks about getting a therapist, and is still with the same girl. I don’t want to interact with her going forward. I know that they’ll break up within a year or two.
I saw him again yesterday when I was biking home past his Dad’s apartment and he yelled, “Hi, Mom.” I dismounted, talked to him, and hugged him and said, “See you Monday.” He was supposed to help me take apart the bedframe at the house so I can move it back to my house and help me remove everything else used for staging. He called an hour after that and said that he’d forgotten that he had Labor Day plans on Monday. I asked if they were the whole weekend and he confirmed. Hopefully, my friend and I can get everything moved ok. It’s not too many things. I need to fold the realtor’s items and pile them nicely with her pillows on something clean that can be discarded, so I’ll have to think about that too. I’m glad that it’s not a thing with my son. We’ve frankly tried to talk so many things out with at least three family therapists, that I think we’re talked out. Sometimes, you just have to step away and redefine or end a relationship. With parenting, you’re always a parent, and I assume that when they move out, you have close times and more distant times. My tenure for direct parenting is just over, but he and I are fine: hugs, “I love you’s” and able to connect.
I have latent feelings for both the realtor and the climber. They’re people I dream about each month. I really hope to run into _____ again too. Her husband is a bit much, but he’s smart and fun to talk to, and they already have a girlfriend; so I just need to ask directly if she has an arrangement for dates outside of that triad. Otherwise, because I’m so picky, I don’t have any other women who I’m attracted to at all.
Our summit with the realtor and the ballet dancer is scheduled! It’s in three Sundays. I will bring my son too if he’s not with his girlfriend and ask him about it the Thursday before. I think it will be really fun. I’m going to take my poles for the descent and my janky left knee.
I have to take our medium hair to the groomer’s today. He’ll be a little bit scared. I need to wash my dogs too. My poor old girl is stinky and itchy.
I will have money going forward permanently now. I got an 8% raise which is already effective, don’t pay anything for my 17-year-old, and don’t make payments to my ex-wife. Whatever the lump sum she’s owed will be figured next month. Therefore, I can get a porch extension, a skylight, and schedule steam cleaning for the basement for October 16th. I’ll also take my dog to the vet for whatever is up with her 12-year-old skin.
I am having dinner and getting dressed up with a colleague on my birthday. I wanted to see my friends who I went to Korean BBQ with recently, but one of them has a concert. This one is 49, and I’ll be in such a different space in a year that I can make big plans for my half century.
I reviewed poker which was fun, but I don’t like the dynamics in that group really. I would only do something active outside like our snowshoeing beer festival with those women. I have a couple of friends from that group anyway. Lesbians irritate me a little bit because many of them are cliquey and they get really territorial and odd with affection around other groups of lesbians. I don’t want to watch you sit on each other’s laps and kiss when people talk to your girlfriend. That is fucking weird.
I think that the new cohort that I’ll teach for a year are pretty cool. I just upload some content for this week and will do that on Sunday. I’ll read the Google Form feedback on the 11th for my next in person. I only have to teach graduate school six more years.
My hands have been really hurting in the joints, and it makes climbing and guitar difficult. I’m going to get collagen and lutein when I pick up filtered water (refilled) and coffee. I’m grateful for learning and my health!
My colleague who almost died called me this morning. I told her about the couple that I met last night at the potluck. I’m definitely intrigued by the wife and had a conversation with her husband–truthfully, I mostly listened to him and validated his perspective and asked a few questions wherein he’d talk more at length. My two friends and another woman who I know from our discussion group were there too. While I was talking about that with my colleague, I had this epiphany.
My first girlfriend lived across the street from me 1987 – 1994. Those last two years I lived out of state where I had completed my undergraduate degrees, but she didn’t move out of her Dad’s house until 1994 when she got pregnant with her daughter. Her daughter was adopted. Her son, who she had a few years afterward with the same guy, was raised by her Dad and her Dad’s new wife.
I don’t think that my first girlfriend ever slept with any other girls than me. I guess she’d be what you call now heteroflexible. She dated my cousin who is only 2-years-older than me, and that didn’t bother me. In fact, I’m not usually attracted to lesbians who are stereotypically so. It’s often called “100-footers.” That term came from an episode of “The L-word.” These women are usually quite butch, heavy set, wear boots and have edgy short haircuts. They remind me of men. I’m not sexually attracted to men, so I don’t hit on these folks.
I hadn’t realized that in the early 1990s that I was also in a polyamorous relationship. That makes three total for my lifetime. I think that I’m having a second coming out. I started out solo poly when I was 15.
I climbed yesterday and probably said, “That’s too scary,” six times. The guys running the wall were very sweet and would show me how when you stand tall and push away that the auto belay jerks for half a second and then you glide down. The guy that I like a ton told me that because I’m down climbing, I’ve really limited myself. Story of my life. Facing fears. I’m my own worse enemy.
The guide for the super expensive outdoor class called me today and asked me to write about what’s holding me back. I do want to become a climber. Both times that I’ve been actually up a route–and it’s happened TWICE–was both times indoors and both on belay. I told him that when I go fast I do better because I tend to psych myself out. I do that a lot. I want to get up an actual outdoor route tomorrow. I’d do anything to do that.
Trust the equipment
Step up
When you don’t have a handhold step around and keep focused on the handhold that you do have
Spoiler: this entry could be boring to read. It’s just a dump for me and something that I feel like I can process better if I write it out. If I was still Catholic, I could confess it. I’ve had five-years of analysis, and I’m grateful for that, and really used it to process the trauma that my Dad inflicted which helped me at the end of his life to just show up: take him to appointments, talk to nurses, go to hospitals, go back and forth to his house, get a roofing company to help him get a new roof, get Life Alert set up, etc.
We’d been hit: I had 7 fractures and was in the hospital, my brother was dead, and my first gf was barely injured in 1988, but I am going to start in 1994 when I moved into my apartment that was mine, as a college student. I had few things–it was furnished–but my old roommate started coming over a lot and then we wound up being together intimately. That was a dick move on both of our parts because she had a cousin of a Spanish exchange student living with her in the dorms at the time and she called this guy her brother. She never saw her and was with me all the time and most every night. My landlord got mad after awhile, so the following year we got our own 2-bedroom apartment, and she mostly slept with me. She began seeing a high school classmate of mine too, and we’d go back to the state where I am from and see him. She still slept with me. She eventually was kinda still with my high school classmate, me, and her new bf (She eventually married him), and we just stopped being sexually intimate. It’s weird that few people know. I didn’t go abroad in college because I was with her and she freaked when I suggested it. I started seeing a guy for the first time really during my senior year of college. Yesterday, we’d have been married 25-years.
I lived alone in 1997 and really liked it. That was a year that my Mom wouldn’t really talk to me. My Mom was always my touchstone. She was so pissed at me for going to graduate school that she cut off emotional and financial support. She said that I was “acting like _______’s family who has money.” I told her that I didn’t want to work for Social Services which is all that I was qualified to do with a degree in English and another degree in Psychology (I had taken AP classes so that I received two Bachelor’s in four-years. Not a double major–but, I rather got two full degrees and diplomas.). She told me, “Maybe you need to work for Social Services.” I liked grad school. That was the first time that I felt solo. I ate for the first time in a restaurant by myself, which was weird at first, but is now something that I do all of the time. If I didn’t teach that day, I didn’t hear another human voice. I learned about being lonely and how it’s just a dynamic state that shifts and is not bad, but an uncomfortable emotion.
My previous bf pursued me and then asked me to marry him. I just said yes because I was 23 and really young and dumb. I was married to him for nine years. We never really used any birth control after I completed my degree and we didn’t get pregnant until 2004. That was when I really saw that he didn’t know how to be responsible for much. He never helped with cleaning or cooking. He liked to garden, and that’s about it. He hates being active outside. It’s weird because even to this day he says that he likes it, but if you’re outdoors with him he rages around and complains the whole time and is a bummer.
He is also not one to be inconvenienced at all. One time when our son had his days and nights mixed up, he yelled at him, “Sleep!” while he was smiling in a swing. It’s like my ex-husband wants to play, be on the Internet reading, read books, and not be bothered with any chores, but is fine going to a job that is straightforward: wash dishes or sell attire. It’s a good thing really that in 2007 I fell completely in love with my Boss. I found places for my soon-to-be-ex-husband to live when he screamed at me in front of our son while he was sitting quietly in the back of the car in his car seat. I’ve never looked back after our divorced finalized in March of 2008. I don’t have much respect for the way that he leads his life. His IQ is 142 and he works in retail sales. He lives in a 403-foot square-foot unrenovated apartment and the units next door have been renovated. I found this apartment for him in 2017 and he doesn’t move, ask about a 2-bedroom or inquire with the management or the owner regarding a good space for himself, and now, our son too.
I fell in love with her picture in 2009. I waited until she was single, and she had moved back here where she is from in 2012. She was single in 2013. She fell in love with me quickly, we got engaged in 2014 and married in May. We had some good times together, but are very different people.
I work in spurts. I work a lot too and have a capacity for enormous amounts of work. I have to get in a zone though and am not steady. She would get on my ass all the time about grading, prepping, opening mail, put away clothes, etc. She is beautiful, but super bossy. Actually, she’s probably controlling. I was around for her confronting her sex abusing stepdad, dealing with her leaving a therapy group that was a lot like a cult and all the aftermath from it, and her mental and physical health declining. She was around for helping me finish my dissertation and taking care of my son, and then watching my son decline.
My son made threats at school, he one-upped his gf and tried to get hospitalized, he began emotionally manipulating friends and family members, he punched himself in the face over and over when his Dad had moved out of state, and told friends that his Dad was back and abusing him, he robbed our neighbors and gave their possessions to “friends,” he got suspended from school, he has been on and off lots of meds, he experimented with drugs, he has done some things that I don’t completely understand that have resulted in him being bullied at school, he dropped out, and he has never been respectful to me when I’ve needed simple help in the house that we shared until 6th grade when he declined. He has lived with his Dad about a total of a year-and-a-half and now will never be allowed to return home without some serious family therapy and trial periods. He needs to grow up, or marry royalty. He has very little motivation though and gained tons of weight since the pandemic when he stopped playing sports. I know he vapes. I know that he occasionally smokes pot. I think he is drinking now, and his shape is less like a seventeen-and-a-half-year-old and more like a 30-something alcoholic. It’s sad. He’s charming.
He transferred schools and graduated early in one trimester and was Valedictorian. Teachers and many adults love him. However, my tenure is useless. I can’t impact him anymore and he doesn’t talk to me since I told him that I heard my last fu. He’s really just mad that he doesn’t have full run of a 1056-square foot basement including his own bedroom where his gf can come and go. Someday, he will realize that he makes his own messes. I don’t deny mental illness, but he lets it rule him. He’s been in therapy since he was 6 and completed 40-weeks of a very expensive Dialectical Behavior Therapy Group (DBT) and was only supposed to take two-months off and then do intensive work in that area, but he hasn’t called a new therapist. I’ll see it on my insurance if his gf ever makes him do that. I think that if he’d get up in the morning and take a simple walk, he’d feel better. He could make food when he got back and have some free time before he coaches at night. He told his Dad that he is taking a “senior year,” and his Dad said, “If you don’t have a full-time job by next spring, you’re a bum.” I’m sure that they’re having lots of fun in 403-square feet together.
I had one dog, and my ex-wife insisted on all these pets. They’re hard to afford, hairy, and make lots of messes. I do love them. They’re a ton of responsibility, but I’ll see it through. I do love them, but they are so much work and care.
While all these things were happening with my son, and I was in a new marriage, my parents went downhill. Several weeks after I turned 40 my Mom shattered her shoulder. About a year before that, my Dad stopped sleeping. I think it was the very beginning of dementia. Like me, he was always a good sleeper. I can’t tell you all the stress it caused to respond to all the falls that they both had while I was working two jobs, doing training, parenting and trying to preserve a new marriage.
One time there was blood all over the stairwell when I went to turn off all the lights at their house when my Dad was in the hospital for 4-days. They’d always discharge him to home and it would be another round. My Mom was at home with higher levels of private care (They used to have 225k in cash in an Account.) from 2014 to 2018 when she transitioned from care at home (17-21k per month) to the nursing home which is an average of 11k per month. She spent down, I did failed applications, and finally found a consultant, and got Medicaid. My Dad followed her midway through 2019. COVID would kill him and he would die with staff around him in hazmat suits on April 19, 2020. It was a blessing. He didn’t sleep except during the day and couldn’t communicate well and mostly sat in his bed with his eyes closed and earphones on listening to jazz. My Mom got COVID that June (2020) and her health just declined until she died on December 1, 2021.
My job involves taking care of students who are 11 through adulthood. It’s also very stressful. I’m only going to do it for 6 more years. I should mention that I teach graduate school too, and have also coordinated a graduate program. Neither of the people that I have been married to have contributed to my mortgage, or really ever had lasting careers. My ex-husband paid half of the monthly mortgage payment for one year, and then promptly quit his good job and that was back in 2003. He didn’t work, clean, cook or help for 8-months as he was “finding himself.” I work and make money. I have been responsible for so many people, am still at work, and for these 5 pets.
In relationship, I don’t ever want to be responsible for anyone ever again. I’m waiting for my son to need his money–I have 20k in an ESA for school–or need to move out of his Dad’s 403-square-foot apartment. I suppose that he may just move in his gf’s parents’ big house. They’re really wealthy. He met her in his DBT treatment. I could see him getting others to take care of him. He really doesn’t like to do much with the exception of watch YouTube and Netflix.
However, with intimate partners, I want to keep it simple and respectful. I want to have intentional time together that is mutually carved out. I want to take care of myself as well as I can now. As a 48-year-old person, I think that it’s time for me to be the best person that I can be so that I can add to others’ lives and they can enhance mine.
So, there was this Thai lunch counter with four tables (You couldn’t sit at them unless you made a reservation and they accepted no walk-in sit downs.) in the area where I worked for seven-and-a-half years and I ate there with members of our consultation team. It was so good. I went back a few times before it closed, and miss the restaurant. It was HOT. And, I mean really hot, and sometimes not palatable. My son’s godfather is half Thai and said, “No one actually cooks like that,” but the owner was from Thailand. You ordered mild, medium, hot or Thai hot. Medium was very, very spicy. You also ordered dry, baby juicy, a little bit juicy, all the way up to very juicy. That referred to sauce.
I worked yesterday, biked to the insurance company–I only drove to work one of the three days that I worked this week and that was because I was when I had to go straight to the house for the walkthrough and then to dinner with the author–and then home to teach on Zoom. I got ready and was pretty close to where I’d be with another one of my Bosses for the night when she said that the Lyft was picking her up in 8-minutes. I called her and said, “I don’t drink much, so I can drive you.”
We had a lot of fun. I noticed something very odd about men though. They would stare, mostly at my friend, and we’d smile and they would avert their eyes. Peter McGraw says that men are unpopular these days and approaching someone in public is a bad idea. That’s sad. I was wondering what people think about that generally? I’m not an expert on men. We didn’t get a single phone number or even conversation started for her.
I can stop the three jobs that I have currently in six-years. I want to work outside and also want to work 20-hours a week. I think that with the bank holidays I have 16-weeks off every year, and really have no idea how people have 2 or none. My work wears me out. I don’t see myself retiring for another 17-years, but I do see myself working way less. I’ll be so excited not to have a mortgage in 6-years too. I think that I can start pulling from my pension when I’m 59-and-a-half, which is about 10-and-a-half-years from right now.
The house looks pretty good. I went over there last night before my guitar class. To me, it’s just making sure that the carpet is ok, the carport security door has been fixed, and there is damage to the closet door (hollow core) in the basement bedroom now. Otherwise, I know that the new Project Manager would like all outlet covers and light switch plates matching and are, well, on. I think that they put silicon on the wasp hole. There was zero activity. I saw one more Chinese Elm in the day lilies, and think that we should buy a few plants for the garden beds, and my best friend is going to help with that tomorrow morning. I may put Round Up in the driveway on the cracks. If there is any chance of rain or any wind, I won’t. I don’t use it at my house because of butterflies and bees, but where the house that I’m selling is there are mostly lawns and such. People don’t seem to think about impact over there. Hopefully, the realtor and I can complete the final walkthrough with the company this week. Hopefully, she won’t hug me.
Yesterday marked a year from when my son has to move out of my house. After he does I’m going to take everything out of my house. I want a fresh start and whole vibe here. The porch extension will start that feeling. I’d like to begin that in May of next year so that it’s done before the heat ensues.
Climate change is really odd here in the desert. We have just begun extremities. The spring was incredibly wet, and once we were a month into summer, we started having extreme heat. I think that means that some March seasons we could get 4-5 feet of snow. It melts here because of our elevation, but that will be another extremity.
Last night I woke up right at midnight and was super hot. I think that it was 79 in my house. I noticed that my son and his girlfriend weren’t home yet and was surprised. I went back to my room and heard them about 10-minutes later and then they were gone. I texted and called him and they went to the gas station to get snacks. Teenagers are so gross. I really struggle with his huge stomach. I wish that he cared, but he doesn’t, and he has a really nice face so girls don’t seem to care either. He said that they had fun dancing. I doubt that I’ll see him before I leave this morning. I have to take our long haired cat to the groomers and plan to walk for about 45-minutes and then I’m going to read. We’ll see what he talks about with respect to the climber when I see him before I go bowling.
Years ago when my son was breaking laws and getting into trouble at school I heard a book review of “Far from the Tree,” and then I read more about the book. I finally ordered it as a used copy. If you’ve never used abebooks, you really should because you just pay to have books shipped to you. You can get almost anything for a few dollars. Anyway, it is so thick! It’s also great. I have just started the chapter on deafness. It would be great if I could finish it by August 13th. After that day, I’m back in the work tunnel!
There is a picture of a radish on a blog that I read, and I also have some Asian radishes that I need to finish in my refrigerator. Has anyone seen “Living on One Dollar?” Growing radishes is featured in that documentary, which is quite good. A study of participants trying to complete an impossible tracing task involved chocolate chip cookies and radishes is featured in a small video from Fast Company (the Heath brothers). Are radishes healthy?
I’m sometimes not. I get obsessed with sports and pretend that I can play them with giant men. Thus, a blown quad. Enter currently the still healing pinky. It’s called denying your own limitations. It’s part of the unhealthy realm of the 8 as measured by the Enneagram. Eights at their worse can self-destruct because although they’re a body type who are physical; they tend toward pushing their bodies. I have been thinking about watching the climber fall asleep in a meeting, falling asleep in my car on the commute home, how grouchy she can respond to people when she’s obviously tired. The latter likely has to do with being woken up when you’re going to finally get rapid eye movement which you need for health. It’s scary that she put her car in park while driving down a street and fell asleep at the wheel. Denial. I deny that I’ll be 49 in September and get joy out of how well I pitch in kickball. The climber denies a need for sleep. Eights are given to excess and denial when they’re behaving unhealthy.
I had quite the nightmare. After my son gets out of the shower whilst playing music that I listened to in high school, but from his district-provided laptop, I’ll tell him about it. A bookkeeper who I know called me and said, “Your boy didn’t go to his final today. He’s left the building.” His Dad called me and said that he picked him up near one of the highways and that right before he was to take a final for Spanish that a friend said that he should enroll in a high school GED program. I asked why and told my son that he doesn’t need a full program having passed all the practice tests, and he couldn’t give me a straight answer that made sense. Yikes. Terrifying. And unhealthy. How do we all stay healthy?
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