Tag Archives: Changes

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Comfort

There is no love bombing or fervor with Scorpio and I. We just enjoy each other and text when it makes sense. It’s not controlling with stupid rules that you have to follow either.

I have a secure attachment style. I have been in a few relationships which have brought out some anxious features in me, but I generally feel solid when I start seeing someone who is likely to become a GF.

It’s easy to feel comfortable with Scorpio.

I also don’t have to explain being Solo Poly. I told her on our phone date on the 25th of last month that I don’t want to ever cohabit or blend finances again and she said, “I want to live with someone again.” I said, “That makes sense, it just kills the magic for me and that’s really what I’m seeking.”

Then she didn’t force that yet instead made me a felt rose which she handed to me when she exited the parade, made wrapping paper and wrote a comic book about manifesting a Valentine. That’s magic. She brings it.

It will be interesting when she and I have dates outside our relationship. She’s very direct, so I’d imagine that we’ll just deal with all of it head-on.

I had a date with a woman who lives high in the mountains who is a Relationship Anarchist like Scorpio. She already had a BF and sent me pictures of them together. I probably would have dated her more, but we don’t have enough reciprocity in communication or chemistry. I need and crave physical input and passion.

My match from Seattle will be in town in two-weeks. I didn’t really want to go out on dates this soon, but she’s in town only for a few days. Ph.D. wanted to see me next weekend and that particular connection makes me feel like complete shit. I’d met a woman on the other app that I use–I use two–and she’s become like an OG BFF to me. I wanted her to date Ph.D. I sincerely hope that Ph.D. has no amorous feelings towards me. I don’t want weird shit. She and I are taking a walk on the 21st of next month.

I’m so comfortable with Scorpio. She cuddles and is a great kisser. I am looking forward to dinner at her place on Saturday.

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51

That’s how old I am.

That’s how many hours that I spent with Scorpio.

I told my friend whom I’d met on the dating app that was maybe not wise.

I’m so glad that it worked out.

She’s open hearted and I’m generous, so we were able to get to know each other and have some excitement build naturally.

I’m starting to get attached to her. When we fell asleep on our second night together which was Valentine’s Day we were holding hands. She drifted off more quickly than I and I could feel our heartbeats synchronizing.

I know from my ex-GF that’s oxytocin beginning to build, because I noticed that I could feel hers and my pulse in a movie theater when we were holding hands after she and I had been together almost 4-months. I’d never had that experience prior.

I certainly didn’t expect Scorpio’s and my heartbeats to synch like that after one night together.

I absolutely love kissing her. I can’t remember ever enjoying kissing someone this much. I can read and gauge how she is feeling and is moving when she kisses me. We have lovely chemistry and connection.

When we woke up on Saturday morning, she had to get all pieces of her costume coordinated for the Mardi Gras parade. Then we went to an Art Center and I began meeting her friends. They were welcoming and genuinely interested in connecting with me. That felt so encouraging.

After the parade she handed me a felt rose and kissed me. Scorpio had to remove pieces of her costume and cool off a little bit. We went with her friends to a bar that they always go to after the parade and she asked me to go to the dance floor with her. The band was good. I always find that I feel so uncomfortable on a dance floor, but I had fun watching her and her friends. After a few songs I sat down and realized that it wasn’t safe for us to have her expensive speaker and all the pieces of her costume that she made at the bar. I told her that I was going to take our things back to our hotel, which I did.

When I came back, one of her friends sat on the bench with me on the dance floor and put her arm around me and said, “I’m so glad that I got to meet you!”

Is it natural to begin contrasting relationships when you begin a new one?

I didn’t like any of my ex-GFs friends. I found them shallow and status driven.

Scorpio’s friends are entertaining and all pure love. We had lunch with them and laughed and connected. I’m not very good in a group; however, I can connect with folks 1-1 and found doing so with her friends was seamless.

I don’t like or wear gold. My ex-GF’s daughter picked out a gold necklace that she wanted and then my ex-GF gave it to me for Christmas. Later in the spring, after I’d already tried to break up with her, she bought me my birthstone on a silver necklace. I’m thinking that was just because I had ordered her a custom ring to replace the two diamond rings that men had sold which were hers. It was like something transactional.

Scorpio took the lyrics to an intro to an 80s rap song and wrote a poem about her manifesting her Valentine. She illustrated a little comic book too. Her gift to me which accompanied the comic book was Lego love bears, and we’ll be putting them together next weekend by the fire at her house. She made the comic book and wrapping paper from a paper bag and it was beautiful. I didn’t want to unwrap it. I was so touched that she believes that she needed me and put out into the world that she wanted a girlfriend and a Valentine. I am excited to put our Lego bears together too. I wonder if she’ll let me take them both? Likely she’ll keep one. I’ll put the other one in my hutch.

My ex-GF took a painting that she made at her daughter’s second birthday off of her wall in her group practice room and wrapped it in Christmas paper then she gave it to me after my birthday when I turned 50. She would also talk shit about three paintings that I have, which are originals, that the of of the three Cancers (who is a professional artist and also a small town Mayor) I’ve ever dated gave to me. One was for my son’s room and the others are a set which was my birthday present in 2013. This particular woman wrote on the back of each of the sets: “For ______ with love and kisses. Happy Birthday I’m glad you were born.”

After Scorpio and I had a long dinner together at a wine bar downtown on Friday the 13th, we walked back to our hotel hand in hand. She put on music and started kissing me. Our first intimate connection was an extension of lots of kissing and touching.

My ex-GF although she had full lips, didn’t like kissing much. I had to beg her in October to make out with me and she texted that it had to have a 30-minute limit. That night we wound up being in my bed over an hour; however, that she even had limitations stated is just so gross. That time and only one other time did we had hot, passionate kissing.  The other instance was when I had talked to her about a woman feeling me up in a karaoke bar a couple of weeks before. We were together a year. We had sex 7 times total.

Why would I stay with someone for a year who really only wanted me as status? She also likes that I make a really good living. I know now that she really only wanted me to live with her and adopt and support her 3-year-old.

I want to be liked because I am me. I don’t want someone to want me because I make 137k a year.

I don’t particularly enjoy gifts. If one is given to me, I want it to be from the heart.

I love sensuality and being physical. I don’t want to ask (beg) for it. I want intimacy to just happen. Scheduling it is so impersonal and take away what I crave always, which is magic.

I’m now dating a river mermaid who’s like a fairy. She is all pure love. She’s romantic, funny and so sexy. I know that I’m walking into love.

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Trip

I was heading to the gym for my weights routine that I will have been doing every Sunday that I’m not traveling and got a long text from Scorpio. It was an enthusiastic good morning, and an assertion that she wanted to spend time celebrating Valentine’s Day with me. There is a parade that is similar to Mardi Gras in the mountains that she and one of her friend groups participate in annually–they win too. She’d asked if I wanted to go on an adventure with her.

I was excited.

When she came over the day before I’d asked her if she wanted to go to San Diego or Mexico with me the following weekend and she declined. She indicated that it was too soon.

When we spoke in the afternoon to get details arranged I asked her about that. She said, “You asked me that at the beginning of our second date! What if our date didn’t go well?”

I said, “The waitress couldn’t even get our order during our first date, so that seems to indicate that we’re pretty compatible!”

Anyway, I arranged our hotel and two dinner reservations. I wanted her to soak in a cedar tub after the parade because she’ll be sore, but there were no open reservations available. Our room doesn’t have the amenities which are special such as a spa or fireplace, so I’ve emailed to see if I can upgrade the room.

I was surprised that she is introducing me to one of her friend groups already.

I don’t do that for a few months; however, she’ll love my best friend and they have a ton in common. She’d sent me a text last week with her coffee mug that said, “Plant Lady” on it. My best friend is like a fairy too and had likely 500 plants in her big craftsman house until very recently. She also has massive gardens and now owns a flower farm. Scorpio will like her a ton.

I think that my ex-husband and I had a couple of dinner reservations a handful of times for Valentine’s Day. My ex-wife and I gave each other cards several times. Otherwise, I’ve not done much to celebrate it. I took my ex-GF out to lunch for BBQ last Valentine’s Day.

This trip with Scorpio is a whole new and special experience. I’m a little nervous. I’ve been wanting to have a travel partner for years at this point, and now I may have found her.

Jump

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Coincidence

Karma as a concept is oversimplified and people tend to say that bad things happen to you when you’re an asshole. I think that everyone can see in the US at this moment in time how that’s so not true.

Anyway, I know that there aren’t coincidences.

My HS GF took me to New Mexico for the first time in 1993 and I’ve been going back there with lovers and friend since. I’ve had massively emotional, sometimes scary, and also transformative experiences in that state. My college GF was even born there.

I’m not talking geography with respect to Scorpio in this moment; however, she and I have some overlap that gives me pause and she acknowledged it when we were together yesterday.

Her eldest daughter is 24 and needed her last night, so when we spoke on the phone in the morning she told me about the struggles and asked if she and I could pivot. I asked her to come to my house and she did. I really wanted to talk to her about my sister-in-law and also for a part of it, my ex-wife.

She came over and hugged me. I kissed her quickly and then we sat down at my table and ate guacamole that I made. I told her that we’d need to deal with something intense and she was game.

I told her how much she looks like my former sister-in-law who was murdered. It’s odd because that happened in her family too. I don’t want to give details here, but it’s quite strange. I read her the entry “Empty,” and she was moved and listened.

The main question she had was given her similarities personality-wise that she has with my ex-wife (Who always called me a muggle and a winter person.) and how much people think that she looks like my former sister-in-law, was I really seeing her when I have told her how much I like her?

I told her absolutely it’s just her.

I gave her the complete timeline later, which I’ll relay here as well.

After I dealt with that, we just talked and talked. As trite as it may sound, the air had been cleared. We eventually got ready to take a walk together.

When we had to pop off the urban part of the trail at my house–we’d also walked the creek bed together–she stopped and said, “This is ______! My Grammy’s house is two blocks up!” I said, “Well, we have to go there!”

I told her how glad I was that we matched. And she said, “I started talking to you!” That’s accurate and she liked that she won the opening of our connection. She stopped on the street, threw her arms around me, and gave me a big kiss. It was so sweet.

We walked to her grandmother’s house and she told me stories about her childhood and when she lived there with her 6-month-old daughter. I took some pictures of her there which later she said were a modern American Gothic. She felt so connected to the house and this experience generally.

When we were walking there I told her that we were meant to match and that perception is so limited. Quantum physics and Mathematical Universe Hypothesis illustrates that as humans who are only around for such a blip in time cannot process reality or be in full consciousness in the vast experiences. There are just these moments that are beyond us and we have to be in the them and not avoid them altogether.

I told her that although we don’t know our journey, that we should see it through. I wanted her to know how much I value time spent with her.

We went back to my house and her right knee was giving her fits so I tried to lengthen her IT band by drawing it down her hip and then just wound up massaging her feet and legs. She has the longest, sexiest legs and for her massive height: little feet. We kissed a little bit more and snuggled and watched the sunset.

Scopio had to get back to her daughter so I got up. She told me, “It’s so hard for me to go!” I told her that I feel that too. We’d spent four hours together. We have a lovely vibe.

I embraced her after she was all packed up and then she started kissing me passionately. That was a welcome development.

I walked her to her car, and she pulled me into it. She kissed me once more and ran her fingertips up and down my back.

Scorpio’s daughter needed her, so I didn’t text her except in response to some things that she sent to me that she was processing. Then a video came. All of it is hot. It’s her long legs in those soft pants that she wore, wiggling toes, and with her fireplace in the BG.

Here is what she said, “Oh, look at that cool effect! The fire looks cool in this video. It’s ragin’–too bad you’re not here, but it’s going to have to be next time. I had a lot of fun with you… Look how lonely my legs are!” And then she starts cracking up.

I’m in trouble.

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3

I cannot wait to see Scorpio. I just read that you need to have three initial dates to check chemistry, and that seems totally fair. I’d like the third date to include spending the night together if at all possible.

On Saturday, I want to go over to her house with flowers and a meal–I’m a really good cook–and spend time talking more.

I also think that it’s a good idea to see how hours together feel. Meaning that she and I can see a glimpse into our connection and chemistry too, and together determine if we have the ability to just be together.

I’m out of practice. I’ve not had more than 4-5 hours with a woman since 2021. That’s the last time too that I had really hot intimacy and spent the night with a woman.

I feel rusty.

Last night I texted her when I got home from having a belated birthday dinner with my best friend. She responded super quickly, which made me think that I was on her mind.

She had two friends visiting her and they were going to a reggae show.

When I woke up today, she sent me a picture of her hands framing the stage in the heart shape. It was perfect–just like the hands for heart emoji. She also sent me a picture of her with her friends at the show. She’s pretty wonderful.

All the more reason that I want to be intentional with my steps with her and be honest about my dormant skillsets.

This week was so intense. I think that I am 95% that I have that chance to fall in love again. I know that it is safest for both of our hearts to walk into love. I removed all traces of my ex-GF from my home–the last steps were completed yesterday recycling a few cards that she wrote to me and donating the two necklaces she bought. Work is also super trying.

Shifts come in 3s.

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Microdose

Work was horrendous yesterday. I completed all the Jenga that I needed to do and found support, and not making light of my situation, with Scorpio. I can’t wait to see her on Saturday and I want to move slowly and intentionally so that she and I can go away together next weekend.

In the dream, my former brother-in-law was on a pass from the prison and was hanging out with my previous in-laws. My son wasn’t around. That was a promise that I made in 2021. I never budged on it.

I took a B+ and a Hillbilly Pumpkin last night so that I could sleep a little bit after the awful and busy workday. I’m also very much processing Scorpio and our Saturday together.

I needed to stay calm.

I dreamt that my former brother-in-law was laying with his head on my former mother-in-law’s lap. I could see his neck and I wanted to kill him.

Later in the dream I told my sister-in-law (She is the identical twin of the murdered sister-in-law.) what I had felt. She and I started making some plans for our next moves.

That dream was alarming. I need to call my now very good friend that I met on the other dating app and talk to her about it. I’ll likely read her this entry.

I’m so glad that I have four days off of work next weekend.

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Trifecta

My weekend was so intense in general.

Friday, I had a date with Scorpio and it was a wonderful first date. There was something about the way in which she and I had instant comfort with one another that I enjoyed. I liked her openness and found her funny. I know myself well enough at this point that my heart is going to start moving.

Scorpio reminds me a lot of my ex-wife. The most pronounced difference is that she is stable. Her career is one that she has had long-term. Also, she is judicious and measured. There is no love bombing. Otherwise she’s a lot like my ex-wife: fairy hair, did a tarot reading yesterday, feels magical, dresses amazing, and has beauty that others just admire when she enters a room. Something that my son noticed in a picture that was sad and oddly validating is that she looks so strikingly to my former sister-in-law who was murdered by her husband in 2024. I don’t know when that will come up, and I don’t want to lead with it.

I made lots of mistakes with my ex-GF. I don’t think that it was entirely smart on my part to start dating seriously after my former sister-in-law was murdered. I met my ex-GF a few days before the murder in a women’s polyamorous discussion group. We started officially dating less than 3-months later. I wasn’t in a good space for dating. Additionally, I also don’t think that at that point, enough time had passed between my divorce finalizing.

I had an expensive date set up with a Match via my Matchmaker on Sunday night. We have good rapport and similarities. I want to be her friend. She has a Ph.D. and works in the same industry that my new friend who I adore and met on the subpar dating app. I’m hoping that they can date.

Meeting Scorpio 8-days ago was a good thing. I told her via text last night that I’m not able to establish two relationships concurrently. I have to go deep initially and can’t do that unless I know where my footing is. She responded, “You do you, of course!” In that thread last night she also sent me a picture of a unicorn with Mary Oliver quote. That also gave me pause. That’s my ex-wife’s favorite poet.

The second intense thing this weekend was that I led my first reading. I’m pretty sure that I had 30-40 people there. I met a transwoman who told me her whole experience coming out. Some of my friends cried. I sold a lot of books, which I will need to account for this week. I have to set up a business account! It was so emotional to read the book in its entirety anyway, and having so many of my friends there telling me what it meant to them and how they’d impact others with the story was deeply moving. I’ve not cried about that experience yet, and know that I will.

Finally, the door is completely closed with my ex-GF. I had to take 2-months completely off from any contact with her so I could process completely our relationship–particularly the last 6-months of it. When I was naked in her bed and she didn’t even notice me in March, I cried and got dressed after we were talking, I didn’t want to be with her anymore. She had no physical room for me in her life. She talked me into staying together. I tried to break up with her again in July after the miserable birthday trip that we took and she wouldn’t let me either. By September, she agreed with me. I’m reasonably confident that she just had to be the decider on our ending. That’s fine. I tried in October and November to do what she wanted and that was hangout with her once a month. She said something awful about me to my son in December, so I cancelled our December get together by simply saying, “Just wanted you to know that I am going to wait until February to hang out.”

That was the best decision that I ever made. Having holiday time free from her was great. I had better holiday times than ours together the year before. I realized that monthly hangouts were the same as monthly sex; although, when we were together I begged for more frequency of sexual intimacy. I finally understood that she called all the shots in our relationship in which she paid for nothing. She’s not gainfully employed and doesn’t get any child support.

I did text her after I left a ball and drag show on Saturday night. February marks significant loss for her and I’d promised her in a card that I wrote her and gave to her the day that she broke up with me last year that I’d be willing to make February special and if she didn’t have any birthday plans do that for her on the 7th of July.

I don’t think that I’ll ever see her again.

She’s misconstrued my need for two months of space as being unconcerned with anyone’s wellbeing other than my own. She told me that my text to her which broke my silence was cold and half-assed. She said that I don’t deserve the privilege of her company after I had pushed her away. I responded that I’m sorry that’s her opinion of me and that before I go to work the next day, I’d put her daughter’s very expensive bike that I bought for her birthday by her door. I intend to and texted that I’ll also return the splash pad that she left in my shed. I’d set that up for her daughter 3-5 times last summer. It always made my water bill too high. That’s it. We have a fundamental misunderstanding.

I can’t completely process the intensity of my weekend yet. It’s going to take some time. I’ll write here when I have things with which I am wrestling. 2026 is starting out hopeful, rewarding, and also marks a fundamental incompatible relationship ending without the possibility of any manner of new relationship.

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First

She hugged me, got in my car after I opened the door for her and we started talking. And that’s how the night went. The only issue for me was that the table was GIGANTIC. We each had midcentury barrel shaped seats and we joked about that as well.

When we got to the end of the night I said, “I had a nice time, and it’s sad that you were 8-feet away from me all night!” I reached across the enormous slate table and she immediately took my hands and then she ran her hands up my arms and said, “Ooo, your skin is so soft.”

During appetizers and dinner we had fun and easy conversation. I said, “You’re not a texter,” and she said that she isn’t, so last night when we let each other know that we were home and were exchanging some pictures and I was floating what I think her Enneagram is she said eventually said that she was at her texting limit and was so happy right now, so I sent her four emojis in pairs, and I won’t text her again.

I’m going to wait until she opens the communication door. I’m busy this weekend as it is and I feel like we both established our attraction for each other. I’m also independent and autonomous.

When I was driving her back to her car I told her about my fainting in hot tubs and hot springs. She told me this story about a guy she was dating who was floating down the river face down in a springs that they were visiting. She went over to him, turned him over, and watched him “come out of it.” He told her that he saw his grandmother when she turned him over. We talked about a few other topics and then I told her that I’d be happy the weekend after next to go to a springs with her and could read. (In my mind I was thinking that I would also be drooling over the view. She sent me a picture of her 5’9″ legs in a covered wagon last night.) She said that she didn’t need me fainting, and I said, “That’s cool. You’d save me.” And she said, “You’d see Grandma.” And I said, “You were the one on a date with Grandma. So, that’s clearly a you problem.” We laughed our asses off. I’m two-years older than she is.

We got out and walked over to where she was parked. Scorpio told me about her tiny car and her 6-week road trip and how she slept in it during her time with her solo travel up the Pacific Coast. Then we got to the parting of ways and she said, “I’m going to put my food in the car so I can hug you,” and she did so and embraced me. I held her by her low back and looked at her and kissed her. Then we hugged some more and I kissed her cheek. She’s sweet and lovely.

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Feast

2026

Already fast and furious.

We have a new client at work.

The semester has some odd things in one of my classes that I teach.

My Matchmaker provided me with the name of a LOCAL woman with a Ph.D. who has a cat and a dog yesterday. She also has a 10-year-old daughter.

I have a dinner date with Scorpio on Friday.

My graphic novel is published, I’ve sold 6, and I do my first professional reading of it on Sunday afternoon.

I have a phone date with Ph.D. on Sunday night.

I really thought that when this matchmaking service found women with whom I could have a date that they’d be ones who lived out of state. I feel as if I search high and low here where I live. I apparently don’t in the right circles. I don’t know what happened to the Boston Biologist, and that is completely fine because I paid for this service so really shouldn’t travel much until June, which is when I always travel annually on my own since the pandemic lifted.

Scorpio is hot.

I logged back into the app yesterday because I only have one picture of her atm.

I told her that too.

I feel some kinda way about going into the app before I have a f2f date when I know that my date can see that I’ve been active on the app. It’s a cute story, so I’ll reproduce it here.

“I popped back on the app today. You’re hot. I’m looking forward to having a date with you.”

She had been talking to me about acupuncture too and her experiences with her knees so I told her about Protein Rich Plasma and she said, “Ooo, we’ll talk about that when we’re together!”

I texted:

“That you’re hot?”

“About PRP?”

“Both?”

I’ll admit that I’m nervous about my date with her and did admit that to her as well. However, I find that feeling much more desirable than the neutrality that I have felt when I went on several dates in the summer. Being excited about someone or two women concurrently is a good thing. It’s also an exercise on me flexing what I think that my limitations are in new connections.

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Scorpio

I have had this thing for most of my adult life–when I say adult, I mean my 30s and going forward. I think that I was personally on the older end for development of my prefrontal cortex. I was probably about 27 and then I finally came out at 33. Something that I have wanted to do since probably my mid-thirties is date a Scorpio. My Moon is in Scorpio, I love Water Signs generally, and I want to experience time with a Scorpio in the romantic realm.

I have an in person date with a beautiful Scorpio on Friday.

I’m taking her to dinner, which breaks my rule.

I am a DMer.

Then in the apps, I move intriguing or fairly aggressive ladies to my Burner number.

My Scorpio was intriguing and fun.

We had good DM interactions in the app. This app is the one that I have been on since May. It’s yielded more in person dates than the new app.

When we moved to my Burner number, we quickly established that we wouldn’t be taking a walk, and would instead move to a call. We talked for 30-minutes and had good reciprocal exchanges. I couldn’t believe that between 9 and 4 this is what shook out on a Sunday.

So, I thought, “What the hell?”

I said, “I’m comfortable just asking you out. Would you go to dinner with me this week?”

I literally have never done that since I got divorced in 2022. I am always worried that a new woman will struggle suffering my company across a table for 2-hours. I’m super intense. I sustain eye contact. I deal with everything directly and am unafraid of asking lots of deep questions.

We’ll see🤞

She is so sweet, and super pretty. She’s 4-inches taller than me and feminine. She’s had experience with ENM and we talked about how being Solo Poly for me is cultural. I told her that my previous GF broke up with me in September and that I am completely Solo in this moment. Right before we hung up I told her that she was on my VPN, and I’d be texting her my full name, all of my phone numbers and my website from my cell phone. I texted her the restaurant that I picked out for us yesterday and was good about only texting her a second time yesterday. I’m going to text her this morning after my meeting and ask for a picture. She is so pretty, and I want to look at her when I have this almost 12-hour workday.

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Attraction

My soon-to-be 37-year-old friend who I met on HER came over last night for dinner. The night became a long night of reciprocal conversation.

I was up until nearly midnight, which is unusual for me. Although I have no issue with someone having wine and then driving home hours later, I do not do that anymore. That being said, I love having a grown up over here to have dinner with me and then being able to open a bottle of wine and have a couple of glasses during the hangout.

I didn’t drink at all for over ten-months.

I drink at home. I also drank at my next door neighbor’s house on Thanksgiving Day. I never drink alone.

I had my intake with my matchmaker to build rapport and start getting my specs out in the world on Wednesday. I told her, “I really don’t drink. I have no issue with partners who do. If we were leaving a restaurant and she was I would say, “Babe, you’ve had a glass of wine, so let me drive us back to our hotel.”

I think that like my dating, I have a new relationship with alcohol as well.

I told my friend, who we can call Michigan (MI) about some of the experiences that I have been having on the apps. She was blown away. She has IRL dates via the apps. We both landed on my age being the factor, so I look like a good mark for crypto scammers, cash-paid romance scammers, and gift card for payment texters. Sad, but likely true. Not one penny has ever left my pocket.

She felt so badly for me and kept saying that she is crossing her fingers for my finding a travel partner.

MI is a Pisces.

My ex-husband was one, the love of my life is one, and the woman who had a to get a new liver and moved out of my state were all Pisces. The latter shared my ex-husband’s date of birth. They were five-years apart to the day.

Obvi, I have a thing. MI and I just legit flow. She told me about her work with adults with developmental disabilities, with people who had spinal cord injuries, and her current work with grants and studies that take place in the Emergency Department. She’s going to start a Master’s of Clinical Science in the next year or two.

We also talked about sex, relationships, our childhoods and our goals. She looked at my book sample as well. That will be bound next week so I’ll have 250 copies of it, which is exciting. Long story short, we split half of a bottle of wine (two glasses apiece over 5-hours), had a good dinner together. We just vibe and flow. I love Pisces.

I was talking to her about the matchmaker and how bad it made me feel to tell her that I didn’t want matches who were genetically male, and that I described my body as athletic, and fit/toned. There was something about admitting those things aloud that made me feel shallow. My matchmaker said that we’re not used to describing our bodies anyway and it can make us feel awkward.

While MI and I were talking I realized again that she would be a good sexual partner for me if I was attracted to her. And I’m just not, which also makes me feel shallow. I think it’s only because she’s quite overweight currently. Arg. I also don’t love that I am 14-and-a-half-years older than she is.

Chemistry can’t be faked. And physical attraction is paramount. I can’t imagine taking off her clothes and last night I realized that I love her. We have a deep, platonic connection.

How do you decide who you’re going to date?

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
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One Day Stands

I had matched with a woman the first week of my vacation and asked her if she wanted to move to text.

It’s so convenient (and also safe) now with a Burner number and a VPN.

She had some problems with her phone, her daughters were visiting and they were taking beach time, and then she finally texted me.

It was a nice introduction. Then, at night, I was reading, my phone gave me a notification, and she said that she’d sent me a picture which hadn’t gone through earlier and that she was normally shy about that kind of thing.

I told her that I would do her a solid because she was pretty and send her a picture, which I did. It was me on my Christmas hike that I took. I really had wanted to Mt Bike on Christmas Day and the trail with which I am familiar was blocked off, and I didn’t know the area well enough to walk my bike up and over to be able to find where they connected, so I drove to another area and did three hikes–I had never done these before. I took a pretty selfie–not me, but the background right before sunset.

Then she sent me a bikini shot and got embarrassed about it. She is super skinny and you certainly can’t tell that she’s had a pregnancy–and in fact, she’s had two–and she was pretty burned on her face and chest. However, she’s super pretty, 7-years younger than I, and has huge blue eyes. It was a nice picture and I told her so. Then she and I exchanged a few more pictures and 122 texts. I even got the tan line Jacuzzi picture at the end of our text thread–she just randomly sent that to me. In her final text she wrote, “And I love your words ______ excited to know you more.” We had plans for a phone call on 12/30 or 12/31. I think that I sent maybe four texts. The last one was, “Happy New Year, ______. If I don’t hear from you by Sunday night, I’ll assume that you’ve had a change of heart and won’t trouble you again.

Last Friday, during my last week of vacation, another woman started relentlessly DMing me. She lives on the West Coast. She works as a Nurse in the ED. So, given that I still have one nurse in my life often and have had three others, two of whom were family members, and one is my Aunt, I began joking in a fashion that only a nurse would understand.

I got the specifically posed selfie which I’d asked for. I don’t communicate very long with anyone at this point if she can’t give me a selfie for which I order the specs.

I got more pictures of her unsolicited in her scrubs. We made plans for a phone call on Sunday. Her sexting abilities that she began of her own accord were hot and amazing. It was such a fun day. Given everything that she wrote, I went out that night with new energy.

My energy was so altered, in fact, that when I sang my second (and last) song with my Poly friends in a karaoke bar, this woman who I don’t think that I had met before got up, gave me hug (I was leaving.), felt all up and down my back and shoulders, held me against her and said that I should be going to this specific sex club. I won’t do that obvi. I am uninterested in contracting either strain of Herpes Simplex Virus, but it gave me pause.

Sadly, that Nurse is also a ghost now. I don’t regret it at all. It was better than reading a smutty romance novel for a day. I do wish we’d have had a call. She’s missing one of my best features which is my voice.

Anyway, these apps are just really something else. One day stands seem to be another layer.

I counted up all the women recently with whom I have had phone dates, and I have had 7 in person dates and one video date. After 243-days, that is a terrible track record. Hopefully, the matchmaker has more luck than I do in the wild.

Image by Andrew from Pixabay
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Matchmaker

Would you pay $933 for date if you didn’t really have to do any legwork? I guess that I will.

Apps are pretty trying. You have to put in work and many people want a fling for a night via text, gift cards or way more financial backing, or are just plain fake.

I’ve had seven dates in person since May.

I guess that I’ve been complaining a lot.

At the birthday party that I attended on NYE a friend told me, “Yes, and you’re not being date raped.”

Apparently a cardiologist in Denver took at least 11 women to brunch and drugged them at his house. These women made reports to the apps. Hinge and Tinder had reports and didn’t ban his profile. He’s now incarcerated and the apps certainly don’t have a good look at the moment.

I had my second consultation this morning with the saleswoman from the matchmaking company for my 6 curated dates that will occur over the course of this year, and she told me to write a vision for myself.

I’m doing that right now and will revisit what I’ve written for 18-years about lovers, my ex-wife and girlfriends.

I need to observe my evolution.

  1. Be open
  2. Be curious
  3. Ask lots of questions and probe further
  4. Seek adventure
  5. Try things that you don’t like / terrify you
  6. Maintain autonomy while enjoying fully this woman
  7. Laugh a lot
  8. Pause and lean in
  9. Stay honest
  10. Explain fully your need for Physical Touch, sex, and spontaneity in those areas
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Stranger

In August of 2024 when I was texting with my ex-GF she’d texted that she tended to form deep attachments and was never drawn to a stranger.

That didn’t make any sense.

If people aren’t in your family, they’re initially strangers.

I remember her ex-husband saying in an email that he would struggle to listen to strangers in reference to an organized theme show wherein folks read letters that I had attended with my ex-GF.

My ex-GF texted me yesterday saying that it was great to see me and that I felt familiar and like a stranger.

Obvi, I don’t get what either of them mean regarding strangers.

What don’t I get about these assertions? Who are strangers? Can someone who you’ve shared intimacy with become a stranger to you?

Walking in other shoes

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Friend

I went to my ex-GF’s apartment last night and she was super animated. We talked easily for half-an-hour. There are reasons that I spent a year with her!

Then she asked me how Tesoro was and I said, “I’m not going to talk about dating with you.”

She asked me why.

I told her that I do all of the time with my BFF from work and that I have my therapist too.

“I don’t talk about specifics of dating with my friends.”

I gave her the example of sending some screenshots to a bowling teammate and being a little embarrassed about them too. I don’t like talking about how my dating is going with details except here because it’s anonymous. I got support from who I needed to this summer and am still doing so this fall.

I had to tell my teammate not to tell our other two teammates about the screenshots that I sent because I didn’t want them to know about unhappy things which have transpired.

My ex-GF started talking generally about Tesoro.

Then she told me some things and when I heard them, those things made me feel ashamed.

I had been alluding wanting passionate sex with someone and was talking about it with Tesoro.

I had to rack my brain and finally did remember last night.

Tesoro put out a flirty feeler about staying in a hotel room all day.

My ex-GF conflated that with my seeing Tesoro two weeks ago–a trip that didn’t happen.

Two weeks ago instead of pouting about Tesoro, I took myself to Boston.

Regardless, when my ex-GF and I were still dating, I let all my pent up sexual frustration become somewhat mean in my behavior.

I didn’t figure that out last night.

Instead when she was still asking me some questions with regards to women and dating and such and told me what she’d remembered me saying (which was really mean) I said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to go.”

I packed up. She followed me into the foyer and the staircase. I said, “I’m sorry,” again. I meant it both times that I said it.

She said, “Is that all?” I’d prepared a list of topics.

I had heard about her brother’s visit, her trip to Chicago, her daughter’s new milestones and the lack of outcomes with her new employment. (This economy is so bad. I’m so lucky that all three of my jobs are stable.) I told her yes, and she laughed a little uncomfortably and I was already almost down the second set of interior stairs. She said “goodbye” when I was opening the door to the outside and I said, “See you.” She texted me a couple of times when I was driving back to my house. I texted back in a cursory sort of way last night.

I was embarrassed and felt guilty too.

I think that in relationship, you wind up hurting each other.

I’m glad that I apologized. I’m glad that we have space and that our next plans are in a group.

Our Thanksgiving plans have some obstacles, so instead, I have invited her and her daughter to a fall neighborhood event. My son said last night that he will join too, which is going to be wonderful. I really appreciated his doing that.

I’ll go over there some evening for an hour or so during my December vacation.

I think that by December, she’ll know that it’s not helpful for our friendship to talk about my dating for those three-months until she broke up with me. I still find it fascinating that she met me in a Polyamorous Women’s Discussion Group, and my dating was something that she couldn’t tolerate.

I also don’t want to talk about my current dating with her. I reserve that topic for few people. I blog about it. I talk with it in therapy. And I have known my best friend from work for 23-years, so we have a solid friendship. We also have never had a sexual or romantic relationship. She really helps me when I’m talking about dating. Our ex-husbands have spent time together too, so she knows me deeply.

So, next month I’ll see my ex-GF an hour with our kids, and by December so much time will have passed.

I don’t think that time heals all wounds, but I think that it helps some of the sharpness. I don’t think that she’ll want to revisit our relationship anymore. It won’t matter. It’s also not helpful. We have started a foundation for our friendship.

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Platonic

I had kind of gone back and forth with respect to cancelling seeing my ex-GF on Monday.

I’m going over there.

I think that if I cancel, it causes some dissention in the old group that I used to go to. It meets for the last time in 2-months. I’m not going, and I don’t want any of my psychic energy to be heavy in that room. If I don’t see my ex-GF because I cancel, that could potentially be a topic in the group.

I also think that when you were previously in love with someone, if you can have amiability that is a good thing in general.

When I was walking around Boston on Friday afternoon I got a text and it said “Hope you’re having a great weekend with Tesoro.”

I wrote back as soon as I knew that I got it and said, “Hahahahaha. I’m in Boston solo. Cya soon.”

She thumbs up’ed my response.

And she doesn’t need to know any details. I talked through the situation in it’s entirety with my BFF from work. I also talked about it in therapy. I’m good. There is a member on my bowling team who I sent screenshots and texted back and forth as well. I don’t want to talk about it anymore and still hold out hope that she’ll reach out to me again and hope that she does not have a weird narrative that I abandoned her in Istanbul.

In terms of my ex-GF, I know her well enough to know that she’ll probe.

She’s not getting Tesoro details.

Similarly, I don’t want to talk to her about southside girl, northside girl, or my new European / West Coast girl. I don’t have any idea how those any of those things will turn out. Dating for me has been an exercise in mindfulness. I just have to be in the moment. And it’s really good that I don’t want a blending or marriage end game with any woman, because then I can just chill and enjoy moments. Or I can say, “Thank you,” and let all communication subside.

In terms of my ex-GF, I dated her for a year basically. We started communicating about going out at the end of August in 2024 and had our first date on September 8th. She broke up with me September 5th the following year. I wanted to break up with her in March and in July, and tried. My position was not accepted. I’m glad that we’re not together.

We don’t belong together. I can recall two incidents of passion. One was in October and one in November. Then, otherwise, we had perfunctory contact. I’m not doing that. I’m a lot of things and am certainly not boring.

I hope that she doesn’t press me.

I don’t want to cause her to cry.

I just want to hang out.

I’m looking for magic.

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Friendship

I have so many friends. I’m not sure how many…

I have four best friends.

One was mine from middle school. He and his girlfriend bought a house way north of the city, so I don’t see him often. He and I keep in touch on Instagram. I should carve out time this summer to take him and his girlfriend to dinner.

I have a best friend from my first round of graduate school. She is now practicing in Germany where she bought a house. She lived in Japan for a couple of years too. We’ve done a few Google Meets on weekends to get our time zones to cooperate. Otherwise, she and I email one another.

My local best friend is like my sister. If I didn’t have her, I’d have lost my house in 2009. I have contract work from her and have spent countless holidays with her. We also hiked with our kids all the time when they were young.

I have a best friend from work. I met her through contracting, and then LA and another colleague and I went to visit her in her state. She has been through a lot with me. Lately, she’s been my biggest supporter since my GF broke up with me and I’ve been dating.

Dating.

DM.

Sometimes realize someone is completely vacuous, and then stop DMs.

Move to a call.

Ask to take a walk.

Sometimes the latter is weeks away and you have to go back in the app, hope it’s not archived and look at the pictures of the woman.

It’s fairly strange.

On the 3rd, I matched with a girl who was using the app to make friends. I thought that was interesting, and she was super pretty and outdoorsy so I swiped right and then I got the dopamine hit “It’s a match!” complete with rainbows, confetti and a framed profile picture.

Anyway, she’s European and has lived in the US for years now. Her parents live here and she lives on the West Coast. We had a lively conversation and moved to Signal.

We talked on the phone briefly yesterday and will have a video call soon.

She wanted to go on a winter vacation with me for a month to get to know each other IRL.

I told her that I get one day off in January.

She asked if we could do a vacation in February.

I told her that I also get one day off that month.

She works in an industry in which you have assistants and you plan your vacations in advance. She won’t work in the company she owns in January or February, but she will have virtual things that she does for her other work which is much more passive and doesn’t require anything but electronic management and emails.

My months that are like that are June and July. I pop on Zoom for a total of 4-hours and answer one set of emails across the three positions that I have.

It’s an academic year; however, it also means that if I’m in the Northern Hemisphere, I can vacation when it’s really too hot.

I can’t take weeks away in January or February.

I am measured, calculated and cautious.

A month long vacation sounds intimidating.

It’s like a job interview that doesn’t end.

It’s like an arranged marriage based in no previous in person contact.

After our phone call, and her asking for a way in which we could vacation together via DM throughout the late afternoon and evening, she came to the understanding that her idea with me couldn’t come to fruition this academic year. She wants us to video soon and continue being pen pals.

Something that I really like about her that I didn’t get from Tesoro is that she talks about her past and the mundane of her day-to-day. She sent me a picture of her grocery cart the day before yesterday! I loved those things. She’s sweet, highly competent, kind and definitely incredibly attractive.

The long game.

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Important

I wasn’t going to blog for a couple of weeks.

And I wouldn’t if my topic wasn’t important.

I worked in numerous capacities in the same place for seven-and-a-half years. It was 2008 through May of 2015. In one of my roles I was an adult coach who taught basic crisis skills for adult-serving youth, crisis prevention and intervention, suicide intervention skills, trauma-informed practices, soft skill development for youth, and de-escalation skills when youth are violent. I didn’t like the job.

I did meet and fall in love with my mentor.

She was a fairy or other ethereal being.

She died August 13th.

She was three-years older than me chronologically.

She was a leadership director, an artist, a photographer, a prolific letter writer (NOT EMAIL) and a wine reviewer. She had once sent me a wine review because she said that the bottle and wine itself was me. She could tolerate my intensity and wasn’t troubled by my brand of weird.

My current Boss is in the position that she held 2009 – 2014 and then I met her when she was a Director the following year when she moved on from where she worked.

He told me about her death yesterday in the hallway because he said that he was shocked that he didn’t hear back from her via text this fall. (I had felt the same way.) I didn’t know that she had gotten cancer in 2024.

When I am stressed out, I always did and always will continue to think of her calm and love. There wasn’t a single thing that she touched that wasn’t affected by her kindness and energy. She was also funny and not everyone knew that.

One morning in 2016 we were walking down the hall in passing and she made eye contact with me and said, “Good morning. How are you doing?”

I said, “Just plugging through these days using my usual heft.”

She heard, “Plugging through with crystal meth.”

She turned on a dime and said, “Whatever gets you through.”

I learned later what she thought that I had said.

I know that people are given to saying how beautiful people are when they pass away, and people especially tend to do so when folks die due to illness or are taken violently and such, but she had a level of grace about her that was unparalleled. She was honest, beautiful, had impeccable style, and would meet me for bagels at 6:00 am just so we had an hour and 45-minutes to catch up. And she did that for everybody.

An introvert and gentle soul who touched anyone from Customer Service Agents or people who were lucky enough to receive training from her, her impact was felt across this world. And she was tough, honest and real.

I’ll leave you with a lesson that she learned in 2009 or 2010. She had an employee who wore really tight clothes and low cut shirts and worked with 11-15 year-old young men. She sent out an email to her staff regarding business and professional attire on Friday.

On Monday, her employee’s breasts were hanging out and many other women were in heels and men in ironed button-downs and even ties.

Feedback must be direct and never global. As difficult as it seems, it needs to be in a 1-1 conversation.

I’ll miss you forever, K, and I’m so lucky that I had as many hours with you as I did. Thank you for mentoring me.

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Horse

Not DM’ing with Tesoro today sucked bad.

I’m shocked that I didn’t log into Teams.

However, unless she does leave Turkey and flies back, I don’t want to gamble with my heart. And it’s like I always write, “Her ball, her court.”

The first phone date that I had tonight sucked.

And why the fuck don’t people read your profile?

“So, what scenario would you be in and how long would it take for example for you to consider being monogamous?”

“What do you think would change a relationship so it would be closed?”

And she asked another question in another way and I can’t remember it. I was already irritated.

The second conversation was polar opposite.

It was great.

She’s funny, outdoorsy and smart.

She retires from the military next month. She wants to text all month and then hike together soon. I like her. It’s nice to like someone. We laughed about U-Haul lesbians and how I am the opposite.

Love is abundant. The only finite resources are time, energy and attention.

I’m back at it.

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Delays

I have to put Tesoro in a new zone mentally. I am unsure if she has any intention of ever leaving Turkey.

I talked with her on the phone on the 15th and after we’d talked a bit I sighed and was whiny finally saying, “When are you coming home?”

She said, “In a few days.”

We DM’ed more towards the end of this week and I wrote, “When are you flying back?”

She wrote, “Soon, Baby.”

This week we didn’t video and I missed her voice call yesterday. She told me that production is done on equipment and she can’t get money transferred to Turkey.

I told her that if I was in her shoes I would get one of those 18-months interest free credit cards.

I’m a public servant mostly; although, I do some assessments which do pay into the social security system, and I really don’t know shit about energy, powerplants, oil / gas, private contracts, etc.

I know that I don’t have interest in:

  1. Blending finances
  2. Living rather than travelling with a romantic partner
  3. Giving my heart to someone who I’ve never touched

Soooooo… I’m not investing time in DMs to her unless she comes home and schedules IRL with me. I wrote to her that when / if she comes home, I want to have a date with her and begin seeing what we have.

I’m basically at my core a Physical Touch and Quality Time person.

I know, because it happened to me with my ex-wife, that it is possible to fall in love with a picture of someone.

I’m not in love with anyone atm.

For me, love that is full involves mind, body, and soul.

The touch and skin-to-skin contact is so important to me. I believe that we are hardwired for love and attachment.

Although, I’m a creature of words, I am still quite in love with sharing physical space.

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Cordial

Being all too familiar with avoidant attachment and also the dance of make-up and breakup, I’ve been friendly and careful with my ex-GF.

She recently said basically that I’m a liar via text.

She does this birthday party concept thing–well, her kid is 3, so she’s done it three times–wherein mostly adults paint a piece of art with acrylics in which there is a printed model that you can use and she has sketched the outline of the figure on canvases.

I’d only worked with watercolors, but did ok for a first time with acrylics for “La Petit Fleurs” this past spring.

I don’t know what the first year was. For her daughter’s second birthday all the pieces were “Plant of Life” by Georgia O’Keefe.

Originally, I thought that she’d painted it for me. She hadn’t. It was one of the ones that she had done during her daughter’s second birthday party. She didn’t bother to write anything on the back about me either. It wasn’t really a birthday present to me, but she wrapped it in Christmas paper and gave it to me for my birthday last year when we had a date a month after my birthday.

At the beginning of the month, after I had called her and she flipped her shit on the phone, and then I went over to her place the following night, she basically asked for it back.

She said that she’d take the O’Keefe back.

Me: “My birthday present?”

And then we had a conversation about it and I guess that she was just glad that I wasn’t throwing it away.

In the meantime for my birthday I had my basement steam cleaned and the entirety of my house cleaned professionally. There are some things that I want to go back over in every room but there is literally no hair anywhere. It’s never been like this since my ex-wife filled up my house with animals. I am going to run a 5k on Saturday and then come home and work in my house. I still need to throw things away and go back over the hood of my stove for example.

I was going through everything weekend before last and had a new present that my buddy from the Co-Ed Poly group had done for me–and wrote on the back for my birthday–and the color scheme fits my house so I put it on the wine cabinet where the O’Keefe had been. It looked like it belonged there. He’s done a commission of my son’s cat and also gave me a tile that I had my former sister-in-law’s partner lay into a table with sample tiles that a company gave me.

I wanted to get her back the “birthday present” so it would complete the wall in her group practice room. That’s where the paintings from her daughter’s 2nd and 3rd birthday party are hung. Recall that it wasn’t painted for me anyway. Also, that she said she’d take it back. She called me dishonest in text when I told her that I’d be returning it on Thursday.

I left her an audio saying that I think that we can build a good path to a friendship and not if we’re doing stuff via text. I told her it was weird.

I’m a lot of things. I’m not a liar.

In fact, my default setting is so direct that folks wish I’d do white lies.

There was a bunch of stuff that my son needed from her yesterday and I was meeting with a planner regarding my long term care stuff after work, so I had to dip yesterday. It was a good thing because my son and his GF spent 2-hours with her and needed that time. I’d have been a third wheel.

When I went into the foyer of her practice and got my Blu-Ray player and all my DVDs and such there was a bag with one Hail Mary in it. She’d held onto that thing for 4-months. And they have to be refrigerated so I just composted it.

What a passive aggressive and bizarre thing to do.

I’ve made my decision.

I’m not seeing her at all this fall and winter.

It was a good thing that my son and his GF needed her yesterday, they moved the time, and I simply dropped off her daughter’s sand toys, the painting, and a joke chap stick from some of our exchanges this month.

I grabbed my Blu-Ray player and the videos. That Hail Mary made me laugh and then feel like shit.

I had given her a ring for her birthday this summer. She had been putting pressure on me that now I understand resulted in a change to her having infrequent sexual types of contact with me. That ring means that I will always make February, which is a hideous grief stricken month for her, and her birthday special as long as she lives here. I’m a great friend.

I don’t want to see her otherwise until some time has passed.

I’m not a fan of her behavior currently and don’t want to be around her energy.

I want to keep things simple, minimal and work on myself as I brave the world of dating true to me.

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Bday Weekend

Tesoro is working on a seemingly endless contract in Turkey. It’s trying and delaying the ripping off of our Band Aid for our chemistry test. I think in certain respects, she and I are both DM’ed out. We’ve written thousands of words to each other since August 5th. I matched with her at the end of June, and finally began to catch up with feelings that she’d been professing to me during the first part of the month. When I pick her up from the airport–whenever that occurs–so I can take her to her car–I’ll likely collapse against her. That will be nice because she’s 5’8″ and I can just tuck my head under her chin and get my arms around her for that first time. She looks like she smells really good and I want to run my fingers through her hair.

On Friday night, I went to karaoke with a few members of my bowling team, LA, one of my buddies from the Co-Ed Poly Discussion Group, Mini Boss, and a friend who named our bowling team. It was sooooo fun. One of them had a candle that fit a glass and lit it so I could make a wish. Everyone knows what I wished on my glass of water!

Saturday I volunteered clearing cottonwood branches all morning on a volunteer crew at a National Wildlife Refuge. These trees are almost invasive along some riverbeds. They tend to break a lot so they pose a wildfire danger if their branches which collect on the ground aren’t addressed. I loved the work; although, I got quite tired. Apparently, September 20th was a National Cleanup Day so the organization that I volunteered with gave all of us National Park Passes in addition to feeding us pizza. I love doing something that gives back to celebrate another year being alive.

Sunday I biked to the park and met one of my former work husbands. We walked a bunch and did a Farmer’s Market together and I bought him lunch there. I love this particular Farmer’s Market. And it was so good to catch up with him. Afterwards, as I have been doing for 3-years on Sundays, I lifted weights.

51 came and went. I feel solid. I’m looking forward to fall beginning tomorrow. This shall be the last summer entry for me, and what an eventful one it was!

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Single

I’m pretty into details. More than most people really.

I’ve been alive 51-years this week.

I have spent 17 married.

I have been single and not really dating anyone for about 4-years since I started having sexual intimacy at about 16 or 17.

I started seeing my best friend in high school in covert way. I think that eventually, my parents knew about it. They didn’t talk to me about it. They said, “Leave your door open.”

The same thing happened with my college roommate.

I wanted to be someone who could pass for what is societally believed to be an average person.

I married a buddy. It’s maybe for the best that he was unambitious and also an alcoholic. I would’ve been married to him for 27-years last month.

I have done best historically when I have had weekly intimate contact.

I also was ok living with my college GF for 3.5-years and until we bought a house, I was fine living with my ex-husband.

When he quit his job, didn’t work for 8-months and the trash was overflowing and I got home from work to make dinner, I fought actively with him. It’s a lot of work to keep up a house, and I was doing everything. Looking back, he was depressed.

I’m reasonably sure that I can retire from these three roles that I am doing in 4-years. I’ve done one for about 25 total, and the other work I started 10-years ago. My plan is to take 5 Master’s classes and get a different license altogether. Then, I think that I can have a few in person clients where I conduct assessments, and because of COVID, I have a good home office that I can use for clients who will Zoom. I want to travel and can’t quite live off my pension, so I’ll need to work. And, I am a really good therapist.

I’m single. I don’t have a GF and she’s doing some boundary probing at the moment which is a pattern with which I am all too familiar in 2 past relationships.

I had therapy last night and vetted what I was thinking and actions that I’m taking and planning. My therapist mused, “Are you positive that you want to be friends with her?” And I am! I just need her to respect my boundaries.

Having a love interest who is over six-thousand miles from you and has been there for nearly three-weeks sucks really bad.

I’ve been slowly seeing how she and I are looking for things that are similar.

I was going to begin solo vacations every summer when the pandemic hit.

I camped and completed a gnarly summit on a rope team in 2016; although, at the time, I was married.

I’m pretty independent and free spirited.

I get so lonely on weekends.

I’m not even interested in doing all the slog that it takes to respond to matches on the app at the moment.

I have this incredibly beautiful woman with whom I began corresponding at the end of June. Now, here we are, walking into love with no physical confirmation. It’s so painful. I have no clue when she’ll fly home, how many minutes I’ll get with her when that time happens, and the only known is that I will have to wait until October 9th or 10th to have sustained time with her.

I think after that, we’ll know what we have and I think that it’s going to affect the way that I’m seeking relationship.

I’ve been leading group with the topic of empathy. I’m practicing that with myself, with my ex, and with Tesoro.

What would you do in my shoes?

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Request

It’s not a limit, it’s not a boundary and it’s not a rule for me either. I asked Tesoro last night if we could have a video call today. She’s read it, and I haven’t heard anything this morning. It’s afternoon where she is in Turkey.

As we have talked more on the phone, we have laughed more and she is getting much more comfortable with me.

I’m becoming drawn to her physically and really can’t wait at to test that out.

It’s difficult for me because we matched at the end of June.

We’ve exchanged so many hundreds of Teams DMs. That all started on August 5th. And here we are 6-weeks later and so obviously intrigued about each other and hopeful that our in person chemistry will yield something beautiful.

So, given our intense and frequent interactions, I want another video call.

We write back and forth all the time. We seem compatible via phone and definitely have some paper matching.

I’m a Virgo.

She’s a Capricorn.

In our Sun Sign, we are both Earth Signs.

I’m a Tiger.

She’s a Horse.

Source: https://www.purewow.com/wellness/tiger-chinese-zodiac-compatibility#:~:text=Tiger%20and%20Horse%20are%20two,move%20forward%20side%20by%20side.

It’s interesting that I have just found ease when we talk. She’s super mellow, and I’m glad that be attracting these types of folks after my marriage.

We laugh and are able to just talk.

Today, I’d like to see her.

If it doesn’t happen, I have already told her during the weekend that I’ll be pulling back a little bit until we meet in person. I don’t want to overextend my heart for something that has no confirmation yet.

I’m hoping that she can get home this week and it would be incredible if it was Friday for my birthday.

I have backup plans to sing with two members of my bowling team at karaoke if she doesn’t make it home.

And if she doesn’t schedule a video call today, I’m not doing anything rash.

It’s been so fun to have 7 pretty pictures of her, exchange all these messages, and talk to her a handful of times on the phone. Although the signal was horrible, I had to go outside and get under a tree and didn’t have on my glasses, I was grateful that we had a quick video chat a couple of weeks ago.

Honestly, having her to chat with has been helpful since all of my feelings since March with my ex-girlfriend who was always destined to be my friend. I had pent up those feelings as best as I could, and then began to date in May via the apps. Having Tesoro be unearthed via the app that I’m still on has been helpful all around.

I hope that we see each other in person soon.

A video chat would be helpful, so I’m putting out that request.

“Tesoro, I hope that we see each other on video today!”

by

Nah

The CEO liked makeup-breakup.

My ex-wife moved out more times than likely the years that we were together. I’d have to count and don’t want to do so.

My ex-girlfriend is falling into their categories. I’m not honoring her bullshit “soft breakup.” We’re done romantically.

Her brand of poly is hierarchical and involves the same “afterthought” versus “taken for granted” in terms of “veto” versus “concerns.” Fuck that.

I’m going to be her friend. And she is fun to be around. I learned a ton about communication and conflict in relationship with her for our year together.

I have a beautiful woman who I can’t wait to meet that I’m excited about. We have exchanged so many pages of DMs and when she called me on Tuesday she had me laughing with her irreverence and it was such an easy conversation. I wish that she wasn’t, at present, in a time zone 9-hours different than mine; however, I am so excited to meet her and begin to explore what we seem to be building. She swears to me that she’s worth the wait. 🥺