It’s not a limit, it’s not a boundary and it’s not a rule for me either. I asked Tesoro last night if we could have a video call today. She’s read it, and I haven’t heard anything this morning. It’s afternoon where she is in Turkey.
As we have talked more on the phone, we have laughed more and she is getting much more comfortable with me.
I’m becoming drawn to her physically and really can’t wait at to test that out.
It’s difficult for me because we matched at the end of June.
We’ve exchanged so many hundreds of Teams DMs. That all started on August 5th. And here we are 6-weeks later and so obviously intrigued about each other and hopeful that our in person chemistry will yield something beautiful.
So, given our intense and frequent interactions, I want another video call.
We write back and forth all the time. We seem compatible via phone and definitely have some paper matching.
It’s interesting that I have just found ease when we talk. She’s super mellow, and I’m glad that be attracting these types of folks after my marriage.
We laugh and are able to just talk.
Today, I’d like to see her.
If it doesn’t happen, I have already told her during the weekend that I’ll be pulling back a little bit until we meet in person. I don’t want to overextend my heart for something that has no confirmation yet.
I’m hoping that she can get home this week and it would be incredible if it was Friday for my birthday.
I have backup plans to sing with two members of my bowling team at karaoke if she doesn’t make it home.
And if she doesn’t schedule a video call today, I’m not doing anything rash.
It’s been so fun to have 7 pretty pictures of her, exchange all these messages, and talk to her a handful of times on the phone. Although the signal was horrible, I had to go outside and get under a tree and didn’t have on my glasses, I was grateful that we had a quick video chat a couple of weeks ago.
Honestly, having her to chat with has been helpful since all of my feelings since March with my ex-girlfriend who was always destined to be my friend. I had pent up those feelings as best as I could, and then began to date in May via the apps. Having Tesoro be unearthed via the app that I’m still on has been helpful all around.
I hope that we see each other in person soon.
A video chat would be helpful, so I’m putting out that request.
“Tesoro, I hope that we see each other on video today!”
My ex-wife moved out more times than likely the years that we were together. I’d have to count and don’t want to do so.
My ex-girlfriend is falling into their categories. I’m not honoring her bullshit “soft breakup.” We’re done romantically.
Her brand of poly is hierarchical and involves the same “afterthought” versus “taken for granted” in terms of “veto” versus “concerns.” Fuck that.
I’m going to be her friend. And she is fun to be around. I learned a ton about communication and conflict in relationship with her for our year together.
I have a beautiful woman who I can’t wait to meet that I’m excited about. We have exchanged so many pages of DMs and when she called me on Tuesday she had me laughing with her irreverence and it was such an easy conversation. I wish that she wasn’t, at present, in a time zone 9-hours different than mine; however, I am so excited to meet her and begin to explore what we seem to be building. She swears to me that she’s worth the wait. 🥺
I went to my GF’s house last night. She landed on that this was a “soft breakup.” First she tried to say that we were breaking up.
Me: “When you processed everything this morning and throughout the course of the day you’ve landed on that your daughter needs your nervous system regulated. You’re not regulated right now because of my shitty energy and you can’t have that seeping onto you as it affects your daughter. Let’s be clear. You’re breaking up with me. I want to still date you. I’m starting to date Tesoro.”
That wasn’t the beginning though.
I walked in with a can of La Croix and asked if I could sit down and asked if she had stickers on her shirt.
She nodded.
Her daughter has been sick and decorated her.
Then we were silent and it was awful.
We’re both shrinks.
We can be silent for days.
Eventually I said, “I’ve apologized for everything that I can apologize for. You sent the TikTok to be supportive. You say my work is ‘fun’ and ‘exciting’ when I’m stuck there for 12-14 hours for no logical reason because I have a good job that pays all of my bills. You can say that I’ve been an afterthought and never taken for granted. I am not a great communicator. I am working on it. I don’t know how to bring up shifting feelings with you. It’s scary. I’ve always been the monogamous one in my poly relationships until now.”
“Do you believe that?”
Me: “Yes. And I think that words are so emotive at times particularly when they’re not delivered in person. With the afterthought versus being taken for granted mismatch of usage, it’s potayto potaughto. I have to be fit in because you don’t have time and I get short texts that I’d rather not get at all because you have little time and a lot of people rely on your for emotional support while you’re solo parenting. You told me how gladly you’ll take your limited free time back.”
“That isn’t exactly what I meant. That wasn’t my intention. Also, I need to apologize to you. Except with a supervisor after my Dad died, I have never directed profanity at anyone. I cussed at you and was yelling at you.”
Me: “You don’t have to apologize for that.”
“I feel like I do.”
Me: “I accept your apology and wasn’t offended by it and thought that your yelling and cussing made a lot of sense.”
“I feel ashamed that happened around my daughter. I am supposed to model being in control and resolving things.”
Me: “We are people and parents. You have shown her that sometimes losing one’s temper happens, and that we can do better. People talk through things after they’re angry. You modeled that her tantrums are also ‘normal.’ That helps kids ultimately to show them how human we really are.”
She was angry that I didn’t text goodnight or good morning. I said that I was upset and worried that she was going to breakup with me. Later I said that she could’ve texted either thing too. I didn’t want my messages to her to go on unread as it makes me feel like shit. I told her that I was worried that she would thumbs up my texts or not respond for hours. I don’t want to feel anxious.
I did, midway through, go down to my car to get her birthday present for my birthday to her (That’s a tradition that she does.), the game, the journal that I’ve been writing in daily for her and her daughter, my set of her keys, and the book that we were to use for weekly questions for each other every week during 2026. The only thing that was passive aggressive that she said is, “Play this game with Tesoro. I bought it for you.” It was shrink wrapped. I declined.
I stayed for two hours.
I told her that if her daughter doesn’t ask for me in a month that I will get her the splashpad and bike with the handle riding bar that is now affixed to the back. She wanted me to take those to her ex-husband. I’m a person and told her “No way.”
It was obvious as we talked that her daughter won’t ask for me. She loves me 1-1 and doesn’t like me dating her Mom because it divides her mother’s attention and makes her jealous so she asks me to leave. Having that acknowledged was a breath of fresh air and helped me sleep like a baby last night.
I have to talk to my son.
We’re supposed to go over there together when her daughter is sleeping to play a game (us three) together on the 25th. I want to do that. And then, just like with my ex-husband and ex-wife, I want to happily support the relationship that he wants to have with her going forward. Kids don’t break up with their parent’s significants. I think that we’ll meet her youngest brother when we play that game together, so it will be four adults. Her brother bought a plane ticket for his birthday which was Thursday. I didn’t know that he was a Virgo. She said that he’s her favorite person in the world. I told her that she simply likes mutable signs and their changeability. Her ex-husband and my former metamour is a Pisces and her best friend is a Gemini. We’ll see what my son’s preference is for the 25th.
Then she’s gone to Chicago. Then I’m gone for a long weekend three-days after she gets back with Tesoro.
She asked if our friendship can be monthly hangouts. I’m amendable. She’s so fun to talk to and has kind, sweet energy in person. We’ll see each other on October 20th. That leg of our conversation made her cry and again. She belabored the fact that I don’t know Tesoro and am dreaming about things that are not based off of reality.
Me: “What does that matter? I’m putting myself out there with dating as I have since May. We matched at the end of June, and I’ll finally meet her briefly on the 14th. It’s the ultimate ripping off of the Band-Aid. She calls my intensity real and raw. If she can tolerate it IRL, we’ll begin our journey together. And, I still hold that I wanted to stay in relationship with you and date you both.”
She calls this period a “soft breakup.” She wants me to basically get my energy together so we can resume what we had. Her ball, her court.
For someone who has never fought with a romantic partner, last night was off the chain.
Not that it’s new to me.
Women and even my ex-husband a couple of times when he’d been drinking cuss at me and flip out.
It’s because I showed some other people that TikTok to see if it was mean. The consensus was that it was passive aggressive. She swears it was because she and I beat the odds.
I asked her how’s that?
I asked about the ultimatum. I said it was a veto.
I told her that she wants to offshore me for sex, which is dangerous and will result in STIs for me as women who are sleeping with tons of women are not exactly practicing safer sex. I told her that it was empty. She told me that I’m incongruent. I said that I could’ve had sex on Wednesday and I don’t want to. I’m wanting two GFs and she’s hierarchical.
I told her that she has stuck her own “For Rent” Sign on my heart and no one can be there. It’s rented. I said that didn’t honor that my heart moves on it’s own as does another woman’s heart.
We didn’t land on anything.
She would only own that my thinking that I am an afterthought could be true.
She said that she will gladly take her spare free time back.
I guess that my feeling taken for granted is my “story line.”
I guess that my feeling hurt by that TikTok is projection.
The other stuff that we talked about was related to her “encouraging” me regarding that my 12-14 hour work days that include an activity sometimes in which I can’t see clients, because my clients don’t have transportation, but I still have to log those hours doing nothing being “fun.” After she explained her perspective on my having good jobs, I understood that. I told her that I don’t need any advice about work and going forward we could talk about it and I don’t want to text about it.
In fact, I don’t like texting with her much anyway. I haven’t in a really long time. She is sooooooo great in person and presents kind and sweet. That phone fight last night was awful and it did lay groundwork for today. I’m leaving for her apartment in just under an hour. It doesn’t feel great and is scary. I’m not a wimp though.
We’d be together a year on Monday, so I wrote out the anniversary card that I’d bought. I wrote in the last sentences that like I promised with her ring, every February can be made special and surprising as well as her birthday as long as she lives here. I can keep that promise.
I put my birthday gift to her (Her tradition is giving loved ones presents on one’s own birthday.), a dice game that she bought which is unopened, the journal that I’ve written in for her and her daughter daily since 1/1/25 (9/5/25 is the last entry), and her 52 questions that we’d planned to use in 2026 in a brown bag. I’ll leave it in the car until she’s done talking to me. Then I’m 95% that I’ll run down to the car, hand it to her and give her her keys back.
Tonight is about listening with compassion. We hashed everything out. It’s about my marching orders how she wants us to be moving forward.
I’d still like to see her for many days for the month of February. I’d still like to celebrate her birthday in July. I’d still like to teach her daughter to ride a bike. And none of these outcomes are up to me.
I think that I may have been given a thinly veiled ultimatum on Tuesday.
“And I’m less interested in being 1 of 2 girlfriends. My stance on that has been unchanging.”
I know that I told her in May that was what I was looking for, and it seemed really difficult. Until now.
I know that my GF is most comfortable with my having a Friends with Benefits (FWB) or Sexual Friendship.
However, that is empty.
Additionally, there is something bizarre to assume that one can contain the heart.
Tesoro and I seem to be walking into love, and that is our experience.
Saturday could be very sad and trying with respect to hanging out with my girlfriend.
It’s one of those dates that doesn’t cost me a minimum of $200. I’m just going over to her apartment to be with her for a few hours on Saturday night. Her daughter will be sleeping. Originally, I wanted her to play with my hair and massage my calves. That text on Tuesday and her stony silence that barely broke on Wednesday late at night and yesterday seems like she could be amenable. We’ll see. I’ll write again on Sunday.
I have been out on three dates since I have been on the app. I had plans for six, and two were not happening. One because the girl was a tease and maybe side hustling for money and the other because I wasn’t positive if I’d be back in town on time and also got a flat tire. She asked someone else.
The other one was cancelled by a woman who has had the best DM game that I’ve read since May and we had an easy and fun conversation on the phone before we made date plans. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t super disappointed in her cancellation. I won’t text her because she said the time wasn’t right and she is presently maxed out socially, but I’ll hope that she texts me someday in the future.
Dating kind of sucks.
I am having my fourth date today. And it’s with a woman whom I’ve gone out with one time before.
We talked on the phone in May before I left for Lake Michigan. And it was hard to hang up. She can really talk. I mean that. I thought that it was maybe because she was nervous. Well, our date was like that too and I told my therapist last week that she asked me one question, and the question was defensive.
People feel some kind of way when you work in mental health.
She asked, “Do you ever have the ability to turn it off given that you provide mental health?”
I talked about what I had suggested for her son when she was talking about him and she qualified the question. She was making sure that when I meet people I don’t look for pathology.
I told her that people who don’t see their role in lack of compatibility with previous partners have red flags for me. I think understanding attachment is important. I also think that it takes two to fight and have conflict. Now that I’m not having stress of cohabiting, I can see that I’m able to resolve conflicts. I don’t have enough skills or desire to fix problems when you have to see the significant day in and day out. I’m glad that I know that about myself now.
Those things didn’t scare her off.
However, she really didn’t stop talking. They were long stories too–albeit all interesting–and sometimes I didn’t have to use attending behaviors or anything. She just talks.
So, I called it out. At the end of our date I said, “I hope that you learn some things about me when we get together in two weeks.”
My GF turned bright red when I told her that over our dinner last Saturday.
I said, “That’s mean? I meant it. She LEGIT asked me one question, and I don’t want to date someone if she doesn’t want to get to know me.”
My girlfriend said that she would be profoundly embarrassed and ashamed if I said that to her.
I told her, “You ask me questions all of the time. The first time we texted, you asked me all kinds of questions. You’re interested in me.”
My therapist thought that was a good question to see if she knew that she had dominated the conversation.
Regardless, I’m curious today if she and I have chemistry. That’s such a difficult thing. You have it or you don’t. I’m going to go to the gym now and then get ready for my date. We shall see.
My current GF has a three-year-old. That means that this child is really her whole world. I hope that because she puts every ounce of herself into her child that will yield a securely attached person who can fit into the world.
That’s also meant that I make plans for all of our dates.
I’d like that to shift completely.
We went to an interesting talk on July 9th and out to dinner. I had fun. My GF paid for the babysitter and our dinners. The talk that we went to was related to her industry and she’d heard about it via someone she works with and a person she met at a work conference. I thanked her for the date plans and she laughed and said it wasn’t really a plan.
At the end of last year (12/31/24) she partially planned a date, and it included her best friend. She bought NYE concert tickets. I paid for parking, transportation, the babysitter and wound up tacking on dinner that night which I paid for as well. Her best friend showed up at the end of our dinner so we could transport together to the venue.
I think that last Saturday was the first full date that she planned and paid for over the course of our ten-month relationship.
She picked me up, we drove to another city, we took a stained glass class, we walked around an art fair and then had dinner together. She paid for the babysitter too.
We had a pretty tough conversation over dinner too. I feel like there were seeds planted that will continue to sprout going forward. However, the whole night yielded a net positive and we will likely have some more balanced experiences going forward. I really liked the date. I thanked her for it several times and it made me feel special.
Tonight we’re going to a theatrical rerelease of a film that I wasn’t able to see in the theater. It came out when I completed my undergraduate degree and was beginning my first round of graduate school. I’m not sure what time the babysitter will get to her, so I don’t know if we can get food before. My GF doesn’t do any carbohydrates for the most part and no sugar, so movie food isn’t an option. Worse case scenario is that we grab local burgers on the way home.
I’m a great date. I’m a great planner of dates too. I don’t take any time that I have with a beautiful woman for granted. I don’t believe in falling back on default responses or not engaging in meaningful experiences.
I hope that she knows that I want her to plan some dates for us.
In addition to the severe osteoarthritis that I have, I also have chondromalacia, and have written about the damage that I did to the cartilage behind my knee. I also have bone marrow edema in my femur. I’m in a ton of pain and need to connect with my neighbor–she offered–who is a Physical Therapist.
That’s not the main topic.
It does hurt like a MF though.
I don’t think that I mentioned that there was this gigantic man was coming up the stairs when my girlfriend and I were looking for a restaurant on May 3rd. I noticed his arms, because that tends to make me feel really envious. I always wish that I could get that big. My girlfriend told me that he was breathtaking later in the evening. I didn’t love that, because I want my date to be on a date with me and not looking at other people.
The Monday before we were seeing an author, and she asked me, “Are you having a ton of fun here? All the women are so tall! I have never thought of you as short and you seem so in this crowd.” I told her, “When I’m on a date, I don’t look at other women.”
I spoke with her directly on Mother’s Day about her lusting after the young, fit guy who was on a date with his girlfriend. I didn’t like it, and I told her.
It’s interesting to me that she texted something yesterday that seemed somewhat passive aggressive.
Baby Daddy is hideous. He has his daughter’s inheritance diamond unless he pawned it. I didn’t know until May 3rd it’s a replacement ring because my GF’s mother’s ring was “lost” alongside her jewelry box when the estate finalized after her Dad died. (My GF’s mother died when she was 10.)
Her new ring that I designed was to have her birthstone, her daughter’s birthstone and a diamond in it. My GF didn’t like that idea because she said it’d look like Christmas. She’s not wrong.
Anyway, the ring is mostly homage to her parents, but she likes that the light blue sapphire is somewhat a reference to my birth month.
There were issues with the ring getting here. It was really trying and upsetting me me. I texted her, “Does nothing work post-COVID?”
She texted, “Your sex drive seems to.”
I didn’t know where that came from. I texted that I’d not had sex since the 19th of April. Then I started processing–I process really slow–and told her that I certainly wouldn’t be having sex on Friday! I also move really slow.
She did call me in the afternoon yesterday and we had a nice and easy conversation. She obviously is feeling very hurt about me dating. A week ago she said that she didn’t think that it would move fast. I’m not sure why she’d think that.
I’m 50. I am fit. I am kind. I make enough money to not have financial reason to cohabit.
Why wouldn’t I have a date within a couple of weeks of making a profile?
I’m so excited for Friday. We were originally scheduled for Wednesday, but she had to change it because her ex-husband changed his dental surgery date. She didn’t feel good about someone post-sedation watching her 10-year-old son. His surgery was yesterday.
Friday night, is a “date night” as Keanu Reeves puts it in “Something’s Gotta Give.” I like that.
When I had a two-year-old, I was single. Two is a tough age generally. The good thing about it is that they can talk, and the bad thing about it is they are still a baby.
She came over yesterday afternoon and gave me a big smile in her car as she was parking in my driveway. She wasn’t wearing her glasses so her green eyes were not obscured and beautiful. I like them when it’s overcast.
My dog got so excited that she pooped in the house and there was a loose dog outside too that I thought maybe my neighbor had adopted, but he just put it in his backyard and said he’d call. The little dog had a collar on. We finally got into my house and I took her hands and led her back to my bedroom.
My son was studying at the library yesterday.
I know that much of our obstacles are her getting used to seeing someone who doesn’t want to co-habit or remarry. However, she has said that now she likes having all of her parenting choices within her sphere of influence and that is easier in most respects.
Anyway, Baby Daddy is a piece of work. No financial, emotional or any support. He’s not seen her daughter in a couple of years and he texts “Hi,” late at night and ignores all of her texts of pictures that she used to send. He also has or has pawned a 3/4 karat diamond that he has had in a safe for their daughter which was my girlfriend’s mother’s ring. He ignores texts my girlfriend sends to ask to get it back. He’s an asshole.
The ring makes me feel awful. For that reason, I am working with a jewelry designer who I know to make a white gold ring with rhodium overlay. There will be a lab diamond and two gemstones. Hers is a ruby and her daughter’s is an emerald. I want her daughter to inherit something given that her dad may continue douchebaggery.
Yesterday after we’d connected and talked a bunch, I asked her if she wanted to go get some food.
She said that she needed to get her finger sized. (I was super concerned that she wouldn’t wear / like her birthday present so told her about it on Tuesday after we were getting a late bite after the concert.) I told her that she’s a 5. She said her finger is bigger. There is no way.
However, we went to an expensive European jewelry store in our expensive shopping district. She’s a 5.5 and she barely listened to me, but believed the proprietor when she explained European sizing, bandwidth, and when it’s cold not wanting it to slip away forever. She texted the designer her size when we left.
Then we picked up fast casual burgers and I ate mine in the car. She told me that she can’t believe how fit I am with how much I eat. She said that her ex-husband couldn’t do that either. I told her that I exercise a lot and she said, “Not really. When I was doing various tris and marathons, I was in the gym an hour a day everyday.” I didn’t tell her that a mother could never do that. And that’s true. You can’t do lots of things that you’d like to do with a kid. Some of your previous self never comes back.
I asked her if I could tag along to the daycare school and hang out with them. We talked about interesting clients on the drive over. Her daughter was stoked to see me. We all played at the park together and then I asked her not to take the highway back to her house but take street because I intended to bail out when she was at a stoplight. I did and walked home.
I’m so glad that we talked through this conflict. I can’t wait to blog about what she does for plans for us this upcoming month. We’re in different phases of life. It doesn’t change how much of my heart she has.
My girlfriend drove over to my house on Tuesday afternoon and we left for the concert. We were chatting and she said, “Well, there’s an elephant in the room.” I said, “You’re going to make me talk about this now instead of Sunday?” And she said, “I think I am.”
I told her that we’d been dating nearly 7-months and she hasn’t made a single plan. I told her that I had realized that after I ensured that February was a good month with lots of varied plans and we’d even had sex once which wasn’t my expectation. Her experience of February is a month marks all kinds of tragic reminders and anniversaries, so with getting through it well, I thought that we’d be solid. Then I realized that March was less plan heavy and included some expectations not being met after they were decided on. I figured that April and May could go by if I didn’t hustle with date planning.
I can’t do casual.
I need to matter.
She told me to talk to my former metamour (ex-husband). I told her absolutely not and that I didn’t want to talk shit about her with him. She said that was harsh. But, that’s what it would be. I don’t need to complain about my girlfriend to her ex-husband. I get that she isn’t good about planning and such. However, I told her that April was a call to adventure and if she wanted to see me, she has to make some plans.
She told me that it made a lot of sense.
Yesterday we were supposed to have pizza with her ex-husband to have a belated birthday celebration and then he wound up bringing his new family. I couldn’t talk to her about the changes in plans because I had fallen asleep and then had a massage. She wound up cancelling the babysitter.
I was grateful when she said that she understood that I didn’t want to go. And they all had a ton of fun. There were five of them. I wouldn’t have, and would’ve felt compelled to pay and wouldn’t have wanted a $200 or more bill. It all worked out.
She called me last night to tell me about their night and a tooth that she needs to have repaired. The crown popped off. Hopefully, I can still see her today. I get it if I can’t, and won’t trip out.
I think that we’re just working on our stuff. Some of it is mine. I don’t like ever being an afterthought. I also need to feel desired and be top of mind for a girlfriend. I’m so interested in what April will entail.
My girlfriend wound up talking to me for 15-minutes on Sunday regarding that brunch was cancelled. I felt like it was a related behavior when she had her best friend accompany us for Thanksgiving Tree Lighting. She had asked if my voicing a concern was to be in person or on the phone. I said that either was fine, but that sending screenshots would feel awful. And it would have.
I told her that I had a piece of fun and also something that was friction when she called me. It hadn’t become a fight yet. She said that she’d like the friction first.
I said, “Ok, it made me feel bad when we got back to your house last night and you said that swimming was now 10-12. I realized that _______ and I would be at your house for under an hour and you’d be getting up to leave for _____’s house and be rushed. There was no brunch anymore and that was our family plan for the holiday. It seems related to my telling you that Thanksgiving is the only holiday that I really care about and then _____ was included in the tree lighting.”
She said, “I’m sorry.”
She paused and I said, “Thank you.”
She explained that it didn’t feel good at all to change Christmas Eve Brunch plans and she didn’t like it either. Then she talked about how she understood that it wasn’t fair that our only plans just us three with her daughter included her best friend after we’d made concrete plans after Thanksgiving.
So easy. I was heard, validated, and she made a sincere apology.
Then she told me that scheduling has generally never been her forte, so when these things happen again, I should remind her.
I said I understood that it’s a shortcoming, but feeling like I was an afterthought was upsetting.
She said, “You’re not an afterthought.”
Without my suggesting it, she said, “What I am going to do is cancel with _____. [Her daughter] doesn’t know what dates are, so swimming anytime in the next few days will mean swimming with _____.”
I didn’t want her to do that, and I asked her not to, but she did it anyway.
We had family brunch.
Her daughter told my metamour that the best thing about the day was [my son] that night.
It was resolved. I think that our plans will now be our own. I have a piece of data proving that, too.
I asked her if she would go to dinner with me before the concert that she’s taking me and her best friend on New Year’s Eve (NYE). She said that she would and I’ve made reservations for us. We will meet her friend an hour before the concert begins. We’ll all watch the concert together. It’s funny, but I spent NYE with her best friend last year.
What feels good to you when you’re resolving a problem? How do you like to fight? What do disagreements serve for us in relationship?
I think that I drink if I’m bored mostly. I also sometimes drink with a few of my friend groups. I typically drink when I’m bowling and usually do so at dinner. I have fun at beer fests and did one solo recently. I have had wine with holiday dinners since I was born.
I learned from being with one of my previous partners, who now has a new liver, that it is anger-provoking to be with someone who is tipsy, drunk or loaded when you’re sober. In fact, I remember when she didn’t even acknowledge that I had landed, was swimming topless in a pool, and I had to drag my suitcase to the place where she was because I didn’t know the name of the complex where our room was in Key West. She was either drunk or was edgy and pissy all the time. If she hadn’t been drinking (yet), she’d snap at you.
Batman and I nearly split a bottle of wine once during dinner that we’d cooked together. We had drinks in a bar one time. Another time when we were doing book planning, she and I drank tequila and ate taco soup. Otherwise, she and I hung out sober. In fact, the time that we made out for almost four-hours we had been drinking tea. When I’m with women, I don’t drink at all unless they are too.
I had a hideous day at work yesterday and was tapped out too because the day involved my being away from the house just over 12-hours and the petsitter’s boyfriend came over after I’d gotten home. (He was supposed to be there 5:30-7:30.) I didn’t quite understand all of his explanation; however, I told him that I’d make two different arrangements while his girlfriend is abroad. I accepted his apology.
I low key wanted a drink. Instead, I made a potluck invitation and waited for my girlfriend to text me so I could connect with someone who I care about before I went to sleep. I would’ve made up my cardio given that I missed Monday because I was with my girlfriend and her daughter in a canyon, but I was too tired. I would’ve had a beer if I wasn’t thinking.
LA was either drunk or nursing a hangover by drinking when I she flew in to meet me in NYC after I turned 50. There was a time period that I wasn’t sure that the nature of our friendship would survive. However, when I was talking with my girlfriend about it, slept on it one night, and then when I awakened I realized that it was more about her sleep apnea that she doesn’t take care of that upset me. (My son was born with enlarged tonsils and by the time I fought with the HMO long enough and they removed them, his adenoids had formed plaques blocking his airway completely.) I don’t like that drowning noise. It scares me.
When I was pregnant with my son, I missed coffee. I had an even more heightened sense of smell then– and my sense of smell is strong anyway–but when I would smell coffee, I wanted a cup or five. It was only when I was eight-and-a-half-months pregnant and so miserable that I would have four tablespoons of red wine and take a bath. I didn’t miss alcohol for my pregnancy.
What’s your relationship with alcohol? When have you had more of it than other times in your life? What do you see with your friends and family when they’re drinking?
Last summer it rained throughout May and most of June. We had 5.86 inches of rain in June. This place usually gets 15 inches of precipitation in a year! It was really hard to do any yard work because it was raining and often very hard. Then the weather shifted and it just got beastly hot. I’m paying for that pattern next year. We have city composting, and on Saturday and Sunday I filled up my city bin with cheat grass, some long bindweed and Mullen. One of the latter had blown in the yard in 2020 or 2021 and now the seeds propagate everywhere from wind, birds and such.
I think it will take me forever to get these weeds under control. I gave my Roundup to my neighbor because it disturbs me to kill all the moths, butterflies and lady bugs. The bindweed is hideous. I’m unsure if you can ever truly get rid of it anyway.
I didn’t make a dent in the weeds.
Family Connections: I spent the majority of the weekend with my family because my cousin got married. She is my first cousin’s daughter. The former and I are very close. It was so great to be with her and her kids. Those interactions didn’t feel weedy with the exception of my son hitting a wall, getting overwhelmed, having a bizarre conversation on the phone with his girlfriend in the car after we had to leave the wedding, and then going home with me to talk.
Saturday night he told me that he wants to break up with her and doesn’t know how. Yesterday when we worked out he said that they were taking a break and then going to couple’s therapy after the break. I told him that an 18-year-old has to go to couple’s therapy is sad and strange. It’s no secret that I don’t approve in the slightest of their relationship. I’m not going to comment ever again about it. That situation is entangled too.
A few sunflowers in the bindweed
Children’s Book: It’s May. I told the Climber that I’d ask her again about illustrating our book and that story has a few turns too.
I had a good day at my other site. My last day there is May 31st! I got a really good job next year for that part of my assignment.
After seeing clients who are done, and terminating with three clients, I did documentation and wrote a report for my other site. I decided to go home an hour early and use sick leave.
We have instant messaging at work that it’s a little bit like Slack, and I chatted to the Climber, “Do you have a second today to answer a personal question?”
I didn’t hear back and left around 3. I was driving home and in a mass of traffic and got a text from her. She never texts. It said, “Came to look for you in your office!” I texted her a picture of my dashboard and the street. I got home and she texted again. It said, “Mega hailstorm here and I hope that you’re driving safe.” I sent her a picture of my dog and my son’s cat on the rug with a text caption, “I’m home safely. I hope that your drive is safe given the weather.” Then she called me 10-minutes later!
We had a quick conversation and she asked what I wanted to ask her. I said, “Well, it’s May, and I told you that I wouldn’t bug you about our book, but I’d ask again in May. Can you illustrate for us?” She apologized for not working on it and said, “Yes.” It was definitive. I told her that with the Boss laying into her, her not knowing if she’d still work there in the fall and spring, and all the stuff going on, I understood and that was great news. So, if she’s at work on the 31st, I’ll have to ask her about timelines.
Lots of weeds. Lots of connections. Some sunflowers.
My Aunt turns 70 today. I was supposed to be there, but I had an oppressive headache and then a sore throat on Thursday so after I completed an annual weird requirement that I have daily for about 9-days a year at work, I just went home. I have hundreds of hours of sick leave, so taking five of them didn’t matter much. I slept. I knew then that I wouldn’t have the bandwidth for 10-hours in the car over the course of about 26-hours total on Saturday and Sunday. My Aunt is super religious, so she thinks that my not being there is all part of the grand plan.
There are things that we can’t control. We can run the risk of doing very little and being given to inertia because of our own inaction. Like my tattoo, like everything, it’s all a balance.
I took the climber to work last Monday and I asked her if she could still illustrate for me. Mostly, I got a non-answer. It was “I love the story. Originally, I said that I didn’t know that I was the best person for the job. Then things have gotten so complicated at work, so I haven’t sketched much.”
I told her that I would ask her again in May.
I’m not sure that I’ll see her much after the end of May either and that does make me really sad.
I’m not worried about another illustrator. With her being non-binary she is the best person for the job because of my content; however, she’s historically really difficult to pin down anyway. That sounds kinky, and I don’t mean it that way, but she always has good intentions and little follow through. The drawing for the book is like other things that have never happened, and that is not about me, but is about her.
There are a whole bunch of things that I’ve said to clients frequently and one of them is, “You can control yourself.” I’ve done a really good job with her in terms of having no expectations or demands. I can control that.
I also am proud that I told her on the way home last Monday that I’m being as kind as I can with everyone who I date going forward; although, I’ve yet to have a third date with anyone. I have been told that because I won’t remarry or cohabit that I’m just getting over being divorced.
The thing is that I can control my actions with women. I can be open and honest. I seek magic moments and that’s it. If they happen frequently, that’s great. I’m open to magic moments with women who I see weekly, monthly, annually or whenever. I’m done being conventional and following the status quo.
I also told her on Monday that I don’t want a breakup again. I told her that things that were part of a relationship can be taken out of the relationship completely based on communication. I said that I don’t want what I have with one of my exes and that is the feeling that I must run away if I ever see her.
I’m not seeking anything with any woman in particular. I’m open getting to know a woman and talking about what make sense for us. What makes sense can change and needs negotiation and solid communication.
Brooklyn made me risotto last night and we hung out for 3-hours and drank a bottle of wine. I brought a nice salad and she had out bread. I don’t eat bread often and ate all of it and used a lot of her butter 🙂 A boyfriend, who is also from NY, and still lives there, is no longer a part of her life due to a breakup. I said that we should go to open mic and I will play some minor chords while she reads his texts in beat cadence. A good idea that.
McGraw (2024) discusses in his book how breakups can generally be designed. I think that this concept is much more than something like a prenup, given not only that it was written by a lifelong bachelor; but if you decide how much you talk or not after you break up there is less emotional tumult. McGraw (2024) also discusses building and designing generally with relationship.
I am a relationship anarchist. I don’t want to follow the rules of eventual cohabiting and blending finances ever again. I’ve certainly given that the college try as I have mostly lived with other people. I think that when July hits, this period of my life will be the longest stretch of solo living
Let’s see:
I moved out when I was almost 19
I lived in an apartment off of campus my sophomore year of college and my gf started staying there nearly every night
I lived in married student housing in my first round of graduate school for 10-months and then got married
I lived with my first spouse for 9-10 years (We were married for nine.)
I lived with my son for 17-years
I lived with my second spouse for 8-9 years (We were married for eight.)
I think that negotiation and communication are essential when you start a new friendship or romantic relationship. Even the latter is up for debate really. Some people wouldn’t consider several kisses in a row to be romantic. That is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Contact does too in terms of how much communication one wants. Moreover, breakups can be as intentional as the startup and don’t have to be a crash.
I think that I’m renewing my energy. I have a new house loan. I am doing electrical work. I have a new cooler. I’ll have wall insulation in my kitchen and two back bedrooms. We have a neighbor family texting system that I used to find an electrician and begin learning some electric stuff with the help of my neighbor.
Electrical Work
The electrician rewired the basement so that now in my son’s old room the switches just work and are powered. You no longer have to turn on the switch on the west side of the Rec Room. He’s going to make a junction box exchange to the solar box so that the old and defunct Federal Pacific brand breaker box doesn’t function. It’s not that breakers flip all the time or anything, but rather that it’s archaic and not completely grounded. I want a safe house with no risk of fire. Federal Pacific only makes commercial products these days. The electrician also switched out 10 outlets in my house today. He had to replace two switches entirely–one of which had been grounded by the old contractor who remodeled my kitchen in 2004. The electrician explained that 85% of my house is grounded, so it’s really more of a matter of getting a majority of my switches changed to Ground-Fault Circuit Interrupter (GFCI) ones. Two in my bedroom had no boxes and were hanging basically, so he had to use new boxes altogether to get those outlets to be GFCI. He’ll be back next Saturday to make the new panel and hook it via a junction box to the breaker that has the solar panels working.
Cooler
I have a new contractor who is great. He had done work on sheetrock, a broken door, and rehung a mirror with tasteful metal clips. He installed a new evaporative cooler on Saturday. All of it, which will include summer setup was under $2500. I’d been quoted 10k for that in 2022 and suffered last summer with no cooler at all. The Realtor told me that she knew of a company who could do it for 7k. I’m so grateful that I’ve found this contractor and his company so I could shave $4500 or more off of that price!
Insulation
Years ago some mice got inside my garage and went inside some walls. It was gross. I have blown in extra insulation 2-3 times, but my house is still really cold. You can feel cold air rushing out of the bottoms of my kitchen cabinets and plates and mugs feel like ice when you take them out. I have given to warming them in the oven before I serve dinner. I’ve found an insulation company that will take out all the old fiberglass, clean and sanitize the attic, seal all the rafters, joists, seams, and baffles in my roof, install a reflective eshield, blow in new insulation to the max level, and then fill the walls in the bedrooms and around the cabinets with fiberglass from the attic down. It’s going to be so much warmer in the morning and no more cold dishes or mugs!
Learning some electric
We’d had a metal ceiling plate with two lightbulb fixtures in it with wires and a pretty dragonfly light fixture in the linen closet for many years. Electricity scares me. My neighbor across the street is the son of an electrician. Today, he came over and showed me how to remove a ceiling plate and expose wires and taught me what a plastic nut for electrical wires is. He wired in the new ceiling plate, shortened the middle nut, tightened it in and then got the new light fixture installed. He did it in 10-minutes. The nice thing is that although it will take me an hour to repeat it, I can help my colleague who almost died get a new plate in fixture in her daughter’s room now. I may surprise her at the end of the month with that as I’m no longer going to travel for a vacation.
Gratitude
I’m so happy to have my own house loan. I’m so glad that my bedroom won’t be cold in the winter and hot in the summer after Friday. I am over-the-moon with the prospect of room temperature plates and mugs. I’m so glad to have a fair contractor that I trust. I’m so happy about my new electrician. I’m going to make dinner for my neighbor (son of the electrician) and his wife right now. I’m going to buy some kosher alcohol for my neighbors who recommended this electrician. I found three pairs of jeans in great shape at two different thrift stores yesterday and they fit me perfectly! I had a good round of weights today. I’m bowling with the gay league again starting on the 11th. I’m going to write a thank you note to the angel that helped me when I was almost t-boned. I forgot to mention that the body shop has finally said that they’ll make my broken mirror right after I wrote on Google about it having noticed that they also didn’t replace my spoiler over my oil pan at all and it’s now off-kilter and has a noticeable hole. Again, my energy is renewing!
I slept like complete poo last night. I woke up at 10:30 and then midnight and had significant difficulty going back to sleep. Our Boss is now a bully at this site and I feel worried about the horrible afternoon meeting because it’s difficult to avoid being yelled at by her. She does it in front of everyone too. The good thing is that when I was tossing and turning not being able to get back to sleep with the midnight waking hour is that I came out to the living room, snuggled my cinnamon roll shaped dog and checked my phone. Batman texted me a picture of her in her Halloween costume that she wore to her themed dance Saturday. She looked so hot and it was a tight costume so you could see muscles and physique. AND, the nice guy is taking his car to get his moon roof fixed so it’s just us two this morning!
I will knock on her door this morning and ask her if she has her calendar. I want to do dinner and an aerial dance show on Friday or next Friday. I hope that she says yes!
Tonight is a huge group of folks for karaoke. The nice guy will be there–hopefully with an operational moon roof on his Jeep–and I invited Brooklyn and he and I both invited our colleague who almost died. I had a ton of fun with her in a Key West themed restaurant on Saturday. We both cried a tiny bit at dinner. I’m so glad that she didn’t, in her words, “join my [her] Daddy” last year at this time. She is also bringing her new roommate and her roommate’s mother. We worked with the former for a few years before she left given that she couldn’t survive our old Boss. I guess that we’re testing the Realtor’s extroversion this evening.
Yesterday, the GPS took me to the hospital area instead of the train station hub. I had copy and pasted the title company address from an email into a calendar notice. I was in front of a brewery looking for a building large enough to accommodate suites and called the Realtor. She asked if I could see the train station, and I was incredulous. I got back in the car, used the address that she gave me for the parking garage, after going up many levels decided just to park in a “Compact” space and went in. It was so quick. Likely, I worked with the Closer for 15-minutes total. I got to work at my other site and did determine that my Boss there is being really weird. I think it’s because I’m fairly close now with my colleague who almost died and she got sanctioned by HR for talking about her after she, in the words of Susan Scott, “made her available to the market.”
I was emotional for most of the day when I wasn’t working directly with my clients. I told the nice guy that I was so close bursting into tears. I told him that on Wednesday when I locked my keys in the house, I stood in my brother’s closet (for the last time) and said goodbye to him, and that there really isn’t a single person who would understand having no original, immediate family by the time that she was 47.
The Climber did get stuck. She had to shelter in place for two extra days, and assured me that after 11-years, she and her other builders had extra food and water. She did say that she saw two cars spin in the mud while their cars just sank down up to the engine mounts. Some people really do think that they’re special. As usual, it was nice to see her, and as is typical she nodded off a few times in our dark, terrible meeting. It was in a different room and all the lights were off and because it faces south, the shades were down. I think that she probably falls asleep off and on all day because of the lack of sleeping at night. She looked great: bronze, and in new, quite tight, pants. She is so short and it’s funny that I’d even look at her. Probably some of it is that I do know how her back and arms feel. I will write it again: her ball, her court.
The Realtor gave me a gift bag. I asked, “Is there booze in here?!?” She indicated that there was, and I said, “Should I park somewhere and drain this bottle of wine?” She told me that she couldn’t advise me either way about that. I said, “Always the professional.” I’ll write a really good recommendation for her on LinkedIn before I leave after opening the bag. Yesterday was emotionally draining, so I have tons of stuff on my dining area table. I had to call her one more time yesterday because when my buddy went to the house to get the loveseat and table and chairs, the husband in the buyer’s couple said that they wanted the loveseat. They apparently left my buddy waiting for a callback from the wife to her husband and my buddy just left, and took those to a school where I donated them. They kept four chairs. The Realtor sounded appalled when I called her. I don’t care. Those solid oak chairs were in that house for decades. It’s sweet that they’re still there. Just odd behavior from those buyers. I hope that they’re cool.
After work, I went over to the credit union to check the estate account to determine if proceeds had wired there. It was there so I paid myself back to my savings account $7040.60. Now, I’m letting everything sit in it. I need some advice from my FA, and need to upload things for the Accountant. I need to call my Attorney next week and close probate.
Here are my plans: porch extension, new cooler, sprinklers for a little patch in my backyard, refinish the hardwoods and fix the bowed ones in my bedroom, paint my whole house, cap the gas off, get an electric furnace, and an electric water heater, add two solar panels and also a skylight, fix the main bathroom fan and vent through the attic my stove fan. It’s probably close to 100k, and I’d rather get a specialized loan. I don’t actually want to touch my inheritance at all. Thus, why I want to talk to my FA, Accountant and Attorney, because I want to ensure that everything is solid.
Today, I’ll be less emotional. I am reconnecting with my friend who I’ve not spoken to at all since 2014 or 2015. She’s Italian too, and is from Brooklyn. We just have beautiful friend chemistry and I can’t wait. This summer my best friend asked if I have anyone in my life who I miss and have any longing to see and I said, “Just __. I actually can only speculate about what happened between us, and I still miss her. We both had completely crazy, Italian grandmothers.” Now, she’s back. And from a FB post! She wrote, “I miss you,” on a photo that I’d posted. I told my best friend that when I told her about ___ that shifted things. My best friend is pure magic. Tomorrow I climb on those three routes. Two are so hard. I’m going to get max sleep tonight so I can get up to the top of the easy route and really try as hard as I can on the two difficult ones. Monday, I drive in the Climber and the nice guy.
I had a solid week at work. I taught last Friday and then this Tuesday night and was in both of my buildings for daytime pursuits on the typical days–sometimes Mondays and Fridays switch in terms of the building that I’m in. (That will happen this week, and I’ll be very late and not be able to drive in with the climber, Batman, or the nice guy until 9/11.)
It’s been so good to be back with people. That’s so funny for me to even say because I’m an introvert. My best friend texted me and said, “Go line dancing with me tonight? I miss you.” I had to decline because I’d been out many nights in a row and was peopled out. I can give the excuse that my pets need me around, but really work involves a lot of talking and much of it is with people that I care an awful lot about, so I just need hours of me time afterwards.
Now that I don’t work Saturdays anymore I can slowly sip coffee and write. I love both of those things.
From my solo vacation in 2021. It’s really good drip coffee and a spinach pastelillos.
I’ll reflect on everything that has happened. I won’t pop over to Miami and get a pastelillos, sadly.
I paid my ex-wife. The title company called me and said, “It’s an estate sale, and everything goes into an estate account, and no cashier’s checks can come out.” I said, “I don’t want to pay taxes on $75,000.” She said, “I can check with our legal team, but I’m nearly positive that can’t happen.” I thought and thought and thought. Then I realized that my Financial Advisor (FA) was completely accurate last summer when he said that wasn’t the way it worked and that what people bring into a marriage is what they get back. She retained her condo, I retained my house. Recall that only for about a year did my ex-husband ever contribute to this mortgage and she gave $400 here and there. Rent here are about $1200 for a small apartment or room in a house.
So, I wrote this in our Google Sheet:
You cannot receive an invoice or a cashier’s check because the house is not mine, but is sold through the Estate of ______________________. It’s being sold as part of an estate and through a personal representative’s deed. Taxes on the estate will be paid less the contractors, agent fees, closing costs and other county fees. That will be completed in the spring per the accountant.
I will hire an attorney to review the financial disclosures from the decree to determine what more is owed to you. Then you will be paid that amount.
I thought and thought and thought some more.
I then realized that I know the cash value of my pension, SS, and IRA. So, I added those, divided them by two, realized that I have worked 33-years now, and was married for 8. That ratio is 8/33 or 24%, so I multiplied that by the halved cash assets and came up with 24k. I had forgotten that I had already paid her $750 eleven times at the time. I thought it was 17k, which is so much less than 75k and made me realize that my FA was right! Anyway, I have a consult on October 13th with an attorney who sponsors our local NPR station. I likely don’t owe her nearly as much as I’d charitably agreed to paying her.
I’ll have it squared away before this year ends. Marriages take seconds and divorces are super complicated. Both of my exes are really reasonable people too, so I feel for other folks who are actually dealing with dissention.
I had dinner with my son on Monday. That day really didn’t work for me, but he’d suggested Tuesday or Wednesday. I taught in person this Tuesday night and Wednesday I had a poker lesson. More on those in subsequent paragraphs. It meant that I skipped guitar, which isn’t a good thing. It was innocuous. It really reminded me of how it was to live with him. He has a smart phone now–his Dad pays for it and the bill–and he laid on the couch, got tired, only ate one plate of food, and I took him home. We’d run a bunch of errands together after work though and that was good because we walked side-by-side and so he talked to me a bunch about his personal life. He isn’t working, doing psychiatry, talks about getting a therapist, and is still with the same girl. I don’t want to interact with her going forward. I know that they’ll break up within a year or two.
I saw him again yesterday when I was biking home past his Dad’s apartment and he yelled, “Hi, Mom.” I dismounted, talked to him, and hugged him and said, “See you Monday.” He was supposed to help me take apart the bedframe at the house so I can move it back to my house and help me remove everything else used for staging. He called an hour after that and said that he’d forgotten that he had Labor Day plans on Monday. I asked if they were the whole weekend and he confirmed. Hopefully, my friend and I can get everything moved ok. It’s not too many things. I need to fold the realtor’s items and pile them nicely with her pillows on something clean that can be discarded, so I’ll have to think about that too. I’m glad that it’s not a thing with my son. We’ve frankly tried to talk so many things out with at least three family therapists, that I think we’re talked out. Sometimes, you just have to step away and redefine or end a relationship. With parenting, you’re always a parent, and I assume that when they move out, you have close times and more distant times. My tenure for direct parenting is just over, but he and I are fine: hugs, “I love you’s” and able to connect.
I have latent feelings for both the realtor and the climber. They’re people I dream about each month. I really hope to run into _____ again too. Her husband is a bit much, but he’s smart and fun to talk to, and they already have a girlfriend; so I just need to ask directly if she has an arrangement for dates outside of that triad. Otherwise, because I’m so picky, I don’t have any other women who I’m attracted to at all.
Our summit with the realtor and the ballet dancer is scheduled! It’s in three Sundays. I will bring my son too if he’s not with his girlfriend and ask him about it the Thursday before. I think it will be really fun. I’m going to take my poles for the descent and my janky left knee.
I have to take our medium hair to the groomer’s today. He’ll be a little bit scared. I need to wash my dogs too. My poor old girl is stinky and itchy.
I will have money going forward permanently now. I got an 8% raise which is already effective, don’t pay anything for my 17-year-old, and don’t make payments to my ex-wife. Whatever the lump sum she’s owed will be figured next month. Therefore, I can get a porch extension, a skylight, and schedule steam cleaning for the basement for October 16th. I’ll also take my dog to the vet for whatever is up with her 12-year-old skin.
I am having dinner and getting dressed up with a colleague on my birthday. I wanted to see my friends who I went to Korean BBQ with recently, but one of them has a concert. This one is 49, and I’ll be in such a different space in a year that I can make big plans for my half century.
I reviewed poker which was fun, but I don’t like the dynamics in that group really. I would only do something active outside like our snowshoeing beer festival with those women. I have a couple of friends from that group anyway. Lesbians irritate me a little bit because many of them are cliquey and they get really territorial and odd with affection around other groups of lesbians. I don’t want to watch you sit on each other’s laps and kiss when people talk to your girlfriend. That is fucking weird.
I think that the new cohort that I’ll teach for a year are pretty cool. I just upload some content for this week and will do that on Sunday. I’ll read the Google Form feedback on the 11th for my next in person. I only have to teach graduate school six more years.
My hands have been really hurting in the joints, and it makes climbing and guitar difficult. I’m going to get collagen and lutein when I pick up filtered water (refilled) and coffee. I’m grateful for learning and my health!
My colleague who almost died called me this morning. I told her about the couple that I met last night at the potluck. I’m definitely intrigued by the wife and had a conversation with her husband–truthfully, I mostly listened to him and validated his perspective and asked a few questions wherein he’d talk more at length. My two friends and another woman who I know from our discussion group were there too. While I was talking about that with my colleague, I had this epiphany.
My first girlfriend lived across the street from me 1987 – 1994. Those last two years I lived out of state where I had completed my undergraduate degrees, but she didn’t move out of her Dad’s house until 1994 when she got pregnant with her daughter. Her daughter was adopted. Her son, who she had a few years afterward with the same guy, was raised by her Dad and her Dad’s new wife.
I don’t think that my first girlfriend ever slept with any other girls than me. I guess she’d be what you call now heteroflexible. She dated my cousin who is only 2-years-older than me, and that didn’t bother me. In fact, I’m not usually attracted to lesbians who are stereotypically so. It’s often called “100-footers.” That term came from an episode of “The L-word.” These women are usually quite butch, heavy set, wear boots and have edgy short haircuts. They remind me of men. I’m not sexually attracted to men, so I don’t hit on these folks.
I hadn’t realized that in the early 1990s that I was also in a polyamorous relationship. That makes three total for my lifetime. I think that I’m having a second coming out. I started out solo poly when I was 15.
I can stop the three jobs that I have currently in six-years. I want to work outside and also want to work 20-hours a week. I think that with the bank holidays I have 16-weeks off every year, and really have no idea how people have 2 or none. My work wears me out. I don’t see myself retiring for another 17-years, but I do see myself working way less. I’ll be so excited not to have a mortgage in 6-years too. I think that I can start pulling from my pension when I’m 59-and-a-half, which is about 10-and-a-half-years from right now.
The house looks pretty good. I went over there last night before my guitar class. To me, it’s just making sure that the carpet is ok, the carport security door has been fixed, and there is damage to the closet door (hollow core) in the basement bedroom now. Otherwise, I know that the new Project Manager would like all outlet covers and light switch plates matching and are, well, on. I think that they put silicon on the wasp hole. There was zero activity. I saw one more Chinese Elm in the day lilies, and think that we should buy a few plants for the garden beds, and my best friend is going to help with that tomorrow morning. I may put Round Up in the driveway on the cracks. If there is any chance of rain or any wind, I won’t. I don’t use it at my house because of butterflies and bees, but where the house that I’m selling is there are mostly lawns and such. People don’t seem to think about impact over there. Hopefully, the realtor and I can complete the final walkthrough with the company this week. Hopefully, she won’t hug me.
Yesterday marked a year from when my son has to move out of my house. After he does I’m going to take everything out of my house. I want a fresh start and whole vibe here. The porch extension will start that feeling. I’d like to begin that in May of next year so that it’s done before the heat ensues.
Climate change is really odd here in the desert. We have just begun extremities. The spring was incredibly wet, and once we were a month into summer, we started having extreme heat. I think that means that some March seasons we could get 4-5 feet of snow. It melts here because of our elevation, but that will be another extremity.
Last night I woke up right at midnight and was super hot. I think that it was 79 in my house. I noticed that my son and his girlfriend weren’t home yet and was surprised. I went back to my room and heard them about 10-minutes later and then they were gone. I texted and called him and they went to the gas station to get snacks. Teenagers are so gross. I really struggle with his huge stomach. I wish that he cared, but he doesn’t, and he has a really nice face so girls don’t seem to care either. He said that they had fun dancing. I doubt that I’ll see him before I leave this morning. I have to take our long haired cat to the groomers and plan to walk for about 45-minutes and then I’m going to read. We’ll see what he talks about with respect to the climber when I see him before I go bowling.
Years ago when my son was breaking laws and getting into trouble at school I heard a book review of “Far from the Tree,” and then I read more about the book. I finally ordered it as a used copy. If you’ve never used abebooks, you really should because you just pay to have books shipped to you. You can get almost anything for a few dollars. Anyway, it is so thick! It’s also great. I have just started the chapter on deafness. It would be great if I could finish it by August 13th. After that day, I’m back in the work tunnel!
It takes me awhile to put things together. I’m reflecting on the demise of my parents today. My Dad has been gone three years, and my Mom just over a year-and-a-half.
I mentioned that I’m on Slack now. It’s been fruitful–good connections. Last night during bowling our other teammate asked if I was dating or swiping or anything and I told her that I’m not. I’m actually fine being solo too. My divorce isn’t even a year finalized yet, and I know that will be a shift for me. Today I’m climbing with my friend and going out later to sing. The weather is disgusting. The night before I woke up at 4 and the house was 80 and this morning I woke up at 5 and the house was 81. It’s 71 right now; I’ll see if I can get it a bit lower in here. I have a large attic fan. I can buy a new cooler for the whole house (roof) next spring. I’ll shop around too. There’s gotta be one less than 10k installed, right?
Back to Slack. People wrote about aging and dying parents. I figured it was time for me to process in writing.
My Mom shattered her shoulder in 2014. My Dad called me at work and I had to tell my Boss that I was leaving early. She was a bit shitty about it, but my Dad sounded terrible on the phone. I rushed over there. My Mom was laying on the floor and looked ashen and gray. It was probably her 12th fall. The fire department had been getting irritated with her, because they had to help her all of the time. I asked her where it hurt and she said in her right arm. My mother had been paralyzed on her left side most of her life. I never knew her to be able to use her left side at all and she walked with a limp. This disability called hemiplegia was a result of a stroke that she had when she was in college at the age of 21.
Back to the floor in 2014. I didn’t want to move her; although, my Dad kept saying to please pick her up or help him do so. I stayed until the Fire Department got there and she winced when they put her back in her wheelchair. I heard a pop too. They transported her to the hospital, I think. Or she followed up that week. I don’t remember. I do remember seeing the x-ray and the doctor saying, “You just hurt looking at that,” where the socket was and bone shards were floating. They never operated. They had excuses. One time she went for surgery and hadn’t been off two of her medications long enough so they sent her home. Then she got the run around. Her one, good, usable arm could eventually be raised to almost shoulder level. Of course her other side was still paralyzed. I tried to work, finish my dissertation, parent, and attend to a new marriage while doing all these things for my parents.
She survived a stroke. She survived losing her son at the age of 39. She survived her childhood. She survived a terrible marriage. She survived that fall. She survived COVID. Then for the next year-and-a-half, she disappeared. Her voice got smaller and smaller. I used to visit her every week. During COVID it was phone calls for three-months, but with her tiny voice I couldn’t hear her. Then the staff broke rules and opened her window, put her ten feet back, I wore doubled masks and talked to her 6-feet through the window. I don’t think that I got to be next to her for 9-10 months.
I had gotten married a month before my Mom shattered her shoulder. One time, my Mom was in either the hospital or rehab as she was for three-years at intervals all the time, and my son, my wife and I had flu. We couldn’t move. They were both throwing up, and I was just achy, in bed, stomach churning for days in December during my vacation. I couldn’t get ahold of my Dad on the phone. My wife called her mother and her mother’s boyfriend and said that she would sanitize a key and put it in the mailbox. When they got to my Dad, he was on the floor covered in pee. They sat him up, gave him a glass of water that he gulped, and then he drank two more. He had the same flu. If they hadn’t gotten there when they did, he probably would have died on the floor. He went to the hospital. These things are the way in which people blow through 225k. For years you pay co-pays, a few thousand for your portion of 3-9 days in rehab, caretakers in your home, and then 11 – 15k per month for skilled nursing until you have 3,000k to your name.
All that to say that when the house sells, I’m meeting with my attorney to get my affairs in order. My parents had a will and all documents, but it didn’t help them ultimately. My son will not be my POA or MPOA like I was via my parents’ Durable Power of Attorney. They never asked me. They just did that. I had just turned 40 and had to try to do things that I was legally required to do.
I’m setting up a scholarship which will be permanent in my brother’s name this fall which will pay fall and spring. I’ll put 7,500 in my IRA every year, and when I’m 62, I’ll start paying out 12,000 every year to my son. I’m starting to pay for long-term care insurance this year or next at the latest. I need my Attorney to advise me with which company and the like. I’m changing my will too. I’m getting a DNR right now. I need to see options for people who don’t have a Durable Power of Attorney. That won’t be my son.
I was texting with the realtor a little bit and then I finally texted our group text with her and the Caretaker. She had the sofa sleeper that I found–I guess that the word is sourced, which I learned from the Realtor–and a check. All of which were in her new apartment. She also took a picture of the bedding that I bought her too. I’ll buy her a blouse and a table when I have money from the sale of the house. I had a huge sigh of relief when I realized that it’s finally over and she has a better sofa sleeper than she would have had she moved the one that she was going to move, and also some money. That at least shows that I had the ability to wait them out until they did something for her.
The company and their subcontractors resume work today and I’ll have to go over there with my son and our two weed whackers this weekend. The soil had been amended for many, many years so it retains moisture with days of 90 to 100-degree heat. Some of the prickly lettuce are 7-feet tall. I need to turn on the cooler too so it’s nice in there, but I don’t want to do that until I’ve done a final walkthrough with this terrible company. For now, I need to get those yards looking nice, which will be a ton of work. I dug out some bindweed yesterday in my own yard, but it was fairly hot, so I only worked about an hour. It’s cooler today and tomorrow, but I can’t get over to the house today to weed whack because I have to take my dogs to the vet and want to stick around here after that appointment.
The nice guy texted me on Tuesday about doing karaoke tonight. He and his dance teacher are obsessed with the new venue. It’s not new to me, because a colleague of mine has been going there for awhile and she and I went for the first time together in April, but we really only like to go on Monday. I have a theory that Sunday through Tuesday would be less packed and I should test my theory in July. I love singing there and definitely sound better because of the acoustics. I’ve been pushing myself to sing things that I’ve never sung outside my house or car. I am going to do that tonight too.
Last night one of our teammates wasn’t there for our bowling league and I don’t know why she wasn’t. I got my friend to sub for her. I’d not seen her since around Halloween. I have the best time with her when I can see her, but she’s not a person to initiate us hanging out. I need to make an effort to text her seasonally so we can do things together. We have a ton of fun and she’s very chill. And athletic. We all bowled really well with her there. She is just a lot faster than me, so it’s kinda hard to hike with her because you feel badly when she’s dusting you and you’re holding her up. However, she learned to belay years ago, so now I don’t have to navigate a weird friendship with Vegan or wait for the super busy climber to actually remember and follow through to make plans with me. I know with the latter we’ll do something, but I would be SHOCKED if it were more than an annual outdoor climb. I think that she’s in Pakistan or France right now climbing, and will likely learn about it in the next month through my son.
I talked out all the things that have been weighing me down with my best friend. I talked about my son dancing at the climber’s house now, which will likely be what he does going forward. My son danced from the age of 6-10 so he is still has some moves wired into him, and just told me that he needs to work on being less stiff, but he had a great time. I talked about the hug and my sustained crush on the realtor. I talked about feeling like I threw the Caretaker to the wolves with what the contractors did to her and her cat. I feel so much better today. Friendships matter. Some people, if they’ve known you years, are better than a therapist when you talk to them about what is going on, and today I feel sated and solid.
I’m going to be selling a house. I make three more payments to my ex-wife and then the buyers send her a very large check–because she can figure out how to pay taxes on that–and the chapter closes. It has already closed with my ex-husband. My son walked across the stage and graduated from high school. I don’t have any reason to talk directly to my ex-husband. He hit a concrete pillar and ruined his bumper last week and was kinda stranded at home after work on Father’s Day so I had my son take him leftovers, which I had to drop off because my son is still only on a learner’s permit, but I didn’t say anything to him per se.
He’s a terrible driver. He wrecked a car that his parents bought him outright on the day that he found out that I was pregnant and accused me of taking prenatal vitamins–I hadn’t been–and was found at fault being rear-ended at a light on a really nice car with a sunroof and leather interior that I had bought, but he had made the final two payments at the end of the loan. He’s just a different person than I am. He’s not a bad guy, but if you’d imagine Mr. Peanut and Peter Pan having a child, that would be my ex-husband.
My ex-wife deals with significant physical and mental health stuff and it colors the way in which she interacts in the world. When I fell in love with her she would have a few bad days here and there, and then it turned into no good days and being unable to track a 3-5 word sentence that I was saying. She didn’t really want to interact with me, and it seemed bizarre that she had said that she and I would “maintain a connection, and maybe ‘who knows?’ when my son is out and doing his own thing.” That was insulting. I also thought that because she had so many complaints about me and how I lead my life that the most compassionate thing to do after we divorced is to have zero contact with her. She finally figured that one out and doesn’t email me. I do have loan assumption paperwork that I’ll do tomorrow so her name is no longer on the house loan. It’s ironic that either of them ever had their names on a Title–I removed my ex-husband when I refinanced–because they’ve never contributed to this mortgage. I have my house paid off in 6-years, regardless of the loan, mine is the only name on the title, and then no more doing this rather exhausting career. I want to work outside. I volunteer outside and want to be working part-time doing service for real, tangible and meaningful things.
I had two Caretakers in the house while all the legal processes were settling. One was not a good person. She would complain about water bills and the like and didn’t realize that when you don’t pay rent, you don’t complain about monthly bills. She wound up moving out early and didn’t pay property taxes and the other Caretaker who is a good person had to call me and ask me for over $500. I couldn’t believe that her “friend” did that. Moved out early and then stuck her with a bill. I’m really good with gut level reactions to people and never trusted the other Caretaker. My ex-wife would tell me that I was the one with the problem and raise her voice. I have to admit that I would have never thought that she would stick the other Caretaker with a bill, and she did so right after the other Caretaker’s brother had died.
The subcontractors who are doing work on the house have done some truly hideous things to her. They painted her furniture, they shattered one of her tables, they let out her indoor cat. They even shredded one of her shirts, dabbed the pieces in paint and threw those on her comforter. Oh, and they tore up two cushions on a sofa sleeper in the house. Because I don’t really need the money and have a strong sense of justice, I sent an email saying that given a clause in the contract to having a “Right to Remedy” that if they didn’t clean all the paint and compensate her for her sheets, a comforter, a shirt, a table and either replace the sofa sleeper or repair the cushions that work on the house is indefinitely suspended. Looking at those pictures of the destruction evoked “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” and had she not found her cat in some bushes up the street and he’d have died, I don’t know what I would have done. I was nauseated and teary talking to her.
All people deserve dignity. All people have rights to being treated kindly, and being respected. You don’t have to go out of your way to chat with a gossipy colleague, but you must see that person as a person.
My mother who was given to trite sayings, as she was Midwestern, would say, “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.” I have found that if the latter is coming out of your mouth, that is just a good person with whom to have limited interaction. My father, who was an East Coaster, but lived in Germany and Morocco during and then shortly after Vietnam actually ended, always did whatever he could for other people. I like to think that I’ve become a person who is a blend of those approaches, and believe that all people have dignity.
About 15-years-ago I took my horrible, hand-me-down Mountain Bike up a single track. I’m sure that my bike was cutting edge in the 90s, but it was so heavy and had broken pieces up near the brakes and was archaic for 2008. I was doing pretty well for awhile, and then I fell forward onto the frame. Ouch. I know that I’m not male, but was really bruised afterward. That was my last experience mountain biking.
Today, I am taking a class to learn how to do it safely. I peeled potatoes and put them in some hot olive oil in the cast iron with sea salt and am going to mosey in just under a couple of hours after I eat some of those, and a couple of eggs. The class is really close to the private crag wherein I had my very first time on real rock in September for climbing.
I still hope that Maryland will secure a friendship with me. My son told me that all men just wait until they can make moves for the most part unless they think of you like a sister. I’m going to tell Maryland to think about me as an older sister. He truly is the age that my little brother would be had he not died when we all got hit by the drunk driver when we were walking up to the park. I would like Maryland to do some outdoor stuff with me. I love having male friends.
My best friend from work is doing the divorced wild stuff. I did that stuff when I came out. I’m sure that she is using barriers because she worries actively about STIs. I sent her a book chapter in PDF form yesterday because she has trouble communicating needs with intimacy. I can’t imagine that. Why bother having sex with another person if you’re not going to talk directly about what you like?
My son is at my cousin’s this weekend to care for their dog, and the realtor–who unfortunately I’m still a little attracted to–was supposed to come over for dinner with my son and I on Sunday, but I’m cancelling because the contractors are about to get fired. I don’t want that to color a dinner at our house, as that is what we’ll talk about.
That is a whole other blog entry. The attraction isn’t. I don’t touch the realtor or act or text anything flirtatious. She wants a friendship with me and we can build that cleanly. I think that attraction fades when you don’t act on it or expect that you’ll get your chance someday.
I’ll write about the mountain biking class on Sunday or Monday.
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