Tag Archives: Lesbian

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Goals

I have this goal. I want to be a 150 average pin bowler. Last night, I crept toward it.

I bowled 170 in this first game and then had this hideous wrist twisting, side hitting game wherein it was 122. My final game was 147 only because I finished strong. Averaging 146 is flirting toward my goal, and I’ll take it.

Like everything, as soon as I get in my head, I can’t do very well.

That quality affects my climbing too.

The last topic to consider in this entry is that only one of our teammates wasn’t drinking at all. I am the only one of us four who completed a dry January. The thing is that it’s not a dry January for me. I just don’t drink anymore.

The main art museum here has a children’s friendly show, and I noticed driving home from work yesterday that it’s in its final weeks. I called my girlfriend so we can all three go together. I had planned it and it was going to slip away if I didn’t get tickets. We talked for half-an-hour last night.

Her ex-husband, who used to be my metamour, can’t wait until Saturday to have a drink. I told her that I’m looking forward to going to a beer garden on Lake Michigan that her best friend recommended to me in June. What’s been derivative for me having my last drink on December 30th is that alcohol is an easy substance to get dependent on.

I wouldn’t even really call my lack of drinking except once in a Blue Moon (That beer mostly sucks.) a goal. I’ve just had a change. And it was time. LA now has a gout flare up and is limping around.

Do you play sports? What are your sports goals as you age? Have you ever set a goal and it turns out differently than the one that you set?

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Boredom

I will forever be grateful for the woman who runs our Women’s Discussion Group. I know that she pushed my girlfriend to text me back in August of last year. I don’t think that I ever would’ve lingered and talked to her because 1) I thought that she was straight, and 2) I don’t often approach women.

I’m not sure if I trust my instincts with women who I’m drawn to. I have been with avoidant folks.

I went to the Women’s Discussion Group Leader’s birthday party on Wednesday at hibachi.

Then I got bored.

Next, I got mad.

Her girlfriend was 45-minutes late, held up dinner for 14 people, and the pacing for food got strange.

I just wanted to leave.

It meant that afterward, I could only connect with my girlfriend in her bed for just under half an hour. She has a gazillion things that she has to do before she starts her parenting and workday the next day.

I get really irritated with folks who are inconsiderate.

What are your hot buttons with respect to people?

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Moderation

I haven’t had a drink in 15-days. I didn’t crave beer at bowling last night, and I think it’s largely because the beer there is just ok. It’s also massively overpriced.

I’m not a sommelier. I don’t make beer. I can’t drink hard alcohol, because I almost immediately fall asleep when I do so.

I realized last week that I largely drink because I’m hungry. It’s quick sugar for me.

Since the pandemic, I would have one more beer if I had a stressful day. Otherwise, I was simply getting some calories into my system, which one knows are simply sugar.

I am still very funny without an ounce of alcohol. I don’t need it to be me. And last night, I was realizing that I am louder when I’m drinking because I was a quiet bowler and celebrator.

However, I’m wondering which of my friendships are beer friendships.

I can imagine that I will have some shifts…

It’s not that I judge what others are doing. I am just waking up. I saw LA as a vacation alcoholic and probably solo alcoholic when she met me at the end of my birthday trip last summer. Then, I am still in the planning stages of how we’ll intervene with my former colleague. I just don’t want to have my own clouding right now.

I am super close with five sets of my neighbors on my street. Two came over Sunday night to drop off a New Year’s gift and we talked. The man in this DINK couple is doing dry January… His wife told me about 2 intervention conversations that she had to lead with two friends.

Alcohol suspension and disuse is all around me.

I read this article today and a few points were similar ones that I’ve made when I entered this period of non-drinking. I will drink again, but I don’t know when. I know that I won’t be drinking excessively ever. I never did that much anyway, and was simply dependent.

I also finally have a plan for beginning psychedelics.

Before it was legal, I spent about 18-months to a couple of years smoking marijuana. I completely stopped when I was in a suite with friends and was convinced that a helicopter was landing on me and that dominoes on the table were going to crash and break. I don’t even care to try strains of it that friends recommend to me. I don’t like it. I hate what it does to me personally.

What do think dependency is? What is an addiction?

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Freedoms

I’m an 8 on Enneagram. I’m solo poly. I’m introverted. I guess that you could say that my personal freedom is incredibly important to me and is inextricable from my personality.

After I get the prologue to my book done and have whatever concluding materials I need, I’ve been thinking about making a TikTok account.

I don’t love the platform. I think that the algorithms promote you staying on it for hours. I also think that it preys on young girls to compare themselves to bots and folks who are way more than airbrushed. Some kids use it to roast and even bully each other when kids post themselves dancing–they’ll make fun of the person who’s danced.

Now, it’s in the news and arguments are being addressed via the Supreme Court. Opponents say that China uses it to spy on the activities of Americans. They also say that you can’t find information about Israel or Tibet on it. I’m no software engineer, but think that sounds plausible.

What is your usage of social media? Do you read the news on newspaper websites or in an old school paper? What do you think about with respect to platforms gathering our data and infringing on our privacy? Finally, are you on TikTok?

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Normalized

I have a list in my Netflix, but didn’t have the bandwidth last night for starting a new series. As Google is always monitoring and listening in, I saw a Harrison Ford movie article on my phone. I realized that I’d seen it as soon as it started streaming. I think I saw it when I had a DVD subscription to Netflix. However, I couldn’t remember how the premise tied everything up, so I watched it with my cell phone handy.

My girlfriend has Flu A. Because I was sick over Thanksgiving week, which is a week that I never work, I didn’t get a flu or COVID shot. That means that I have Flu A too, but I’m not running a practice or raising a toddler, so I simply have a sore face and jaw today. Yesterday sucked and I slept 11-hours in total. She ran a fever of 107 at one point last night and that’s so scary. She’s taking her daughter into the doctor today.

I texted back and forth with my girlfriend and few other folks and watched, “The Age of Adaline.”

This post isn’t about suspending disbelief.

It’s not about medical miracles or neurology.

It’s about alcohol.

I’ve had nothing to drink since 12/30/24.

I go back to work tomorrow, and there will be reasons that I justify for myself to have 1-2 beers.

I won’t though.

Alcohol usage is so normalized.

Let’s get back to this movie.

The love interest tells the protagonist that lovers and glasses of wine should never be counted when she says that she doesn’t want another drink.

The protagonist and her love interest split a bottle of wine in a 1950s convertible that is sitting in a warehouse. They’re not eating.

The characters eat a little bit of dinner and drink two different wines and then have cognac at night.

I don’t think that without my choice that I’ve made, I’d ever have given these scenes a second thought. However, watching the copious amounts of booze that’s consumed in this movie about never aging is alarming. Alcohol is the normal backdrop of every evening shot in the film.

What is your favorite series or movie? Do the characters drink? How much? Why do you think that drinking is a “normal” part of our collective habit?

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Bad Ways

The Photographer and I had a walk and lunch yesterday. I was shocked that she said yes when I texted her that it was a shot in the dark, but would she be able to meet up with me? I asked her if she and I could walk and then I’d take her to lunch. It’s her birthday very shortly, so I wanted to do that.

Initially, I had plans with Vegan, and she was operating under the information in a text rather than our calendar notice so we didn’t get much time together. She may have been a little irritated with me, but I still saw Vegan.

The Photographer had been travelling with a new partner. They were all over Brazil, which is an easy lift for her as she is multilingual. Their trip sounded magical. I was so happy for her.

Until lunch.

There are just bad ways to do polyamory. I know that often discussion group leaders say that you can do polyamory any way that you want to, but I don’t agree.

The Photographer’s partner had been emailing off and on with her ex of 3.5-years. On their trip, she learned that they would be meeting up. She asked her how she felt about that. And her partner kept saying that she had no feelings and would feel like she felt when they met.

Well, they both felt some kind of way.

They spent NYE together.

The Photographer had to make quick plans with her friends so as not to spend it on her own.

The Photographer has been dating lots of people right now. She’s a great date. It’s funny because she’s a great date even when you’re not on a date!

While on these dates, she has had people who have dated her partner say that her partner has told them not to date the Photographer. Her partner is also going out on dates with other people who date her ex and she is talking to them also about not dating her. She wants the Photographer, her current partner, and her ex to be at her disposal. The Photographer also told me that she is seemingly incapable of romance and doesn’t plan any dates with her.

The Photographer said, “You look angry.” I said, “Of course, I’m angry! I am an 8. And this is confusing and shitty behavior.”

I told my girlfriend about it last night and she said that it gives polyamory a bad name.

Except that this morning, I don’t think it’s polyamory.

I think that the Photographer’s partner is manipulative, unethical, and wants to control people and that has nothing to do with her sexual orientation or how she designs relationships with another person.

I think that if you’re going to be in concurrent relationships that all people at the very least need to know one another. Hopefully, they’ll be friends, but you can’t control that! I’ve had a terrible experience in 2009 – 2010 because I wasn’t allowed to exist to my girlfriend’s other partner. I should have broken up with her then.

I run this difficult balance of being protective and letting go while watching others engage in interactions that will hurt them. I think that writing about her this morning has helped me. I’ll just wait for her to text me after she’s met with and talked to her partner. I want to support her fully.

How do you listen to your friends when you know that they’re putting their hands in a bear trap?

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Sober

My metamour is doing a dry January.

I have decided to not drink until after Groundhog Day, and I may stop for 60 or 90-days.

My colleague who almost died is probably 80-pounds again. We got her out of the house moving her walker so she wouldn’t fall on her face on Christmas Eve. It took us 3-4 minutes to get her into my colleague’s house. Everyone had to tend to her.

Her neuropathy is so bad that she can’t bare weight on her feet really. I didn’t know that neuropathy is related to having liver disease.

She smelled like Listerine after my son got her into my car on Christmas Eve.

Then she was drinking a glass of white wine. She fell asleep right after gifts and she bitched about her gift.

I can’t do a dysfunctional relationship.

I can abstain from alcohol at bowling, karaoke, after I’ve had a hideous day and I am cracking 1-2 beers while I cook.

I am doing some of it because I promised my colleague that I’d do 30, 60 or 90-days dry with her. When I said that she said that she didn’t know which she wanted, because that was “a big question.”

I also am engaging in this activity because no one can ever make me do something. I have enormous willpower. My son said, “Mom, you’re going to want one beer,” and I said that while that was true I don’t need one.

I’m toying with the idea of becoming a social-only and special occasion-only consumer of alcohol. I’ll write about this journey here.

How much do you drink? Have you lost family or friends to alcohol abuse?

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Good

My girlfriend wound up talking to me for 15-minutes on Sunday regarding that brunch was cancelled. I felt like it was a related behavior when she had her best friend accompany us for Thanksgiving Tree Lighting. She had asked if my voicing a concern was to be in person or on the phone. I said that either was fine, but that sending screenshots would feel awful. And it would have.

I told her that I had a piece of fun and also something that was friction when she called me. It hadn’t become a fight yet. She said that she’d like the friction first.

I said, “Ok, it made me feel bad when we got back to your house last night and you said that swimming was now 10-12. I realized that _______ and I would be at your house for under an hour and you’d be getting up to leave for _____’s house and be rushed. There was no brunch anymore and that was our family plan for the holiday. It seems related to my telling you that Thanksgiving is the only holiday that I really care about and then _____ was included in the tree lighting.”

She said, “I’m sorry.”

She paused and I said, “Thank you.”

She explained that it didn’t feel good at all to change Christmas Eve Brunch plans and she didn’t like it either. Then she talked about how she understood that it wasn’t fair that our only plans just us three with her daughter included her best friend after we’d made concrete plans after Thanksgiving.

So easy. I was heard, validated, and she made a sincere apology.

Then she told me that scheduling has generally never been her forte, so when these things happen again, I should remind her.

I said I understood that it’s a shortcoming, but feeling like I was an afterthought was upsetting.

She said, “You’re not an afterthought.”

Without my suggesting it, she said, “What I am going to do is cancel with _____. [Her daughter] doesn’t know what dates are, so swimming anytime in the next few days will mean swimming with _____.”

I didn’t want her to do that, and I asked her not to, but she did it anyway.

We had family brunch.

Her daughter told my metamour that the best thing about the day was [my son] that night.

It was resolved. I think that our plans will now be our own. I have a piece of data proving that, too.

I asked her if she would go to dinner with me before the concert that she’s taking me and her best friend on New Year’s Eve (NYE). She said that she would and I’ve made reservations for us. We will meet her friend an hour before the concert begins. We’ll all watch the concert together. It’s funny, but I spent NYE with her best friend last year.

What feels good to you when you’re resolving a problem? How do you like to fight? What do disagreements serve for us in relationship?

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Fighting

There was a conversation that I had with my girlfriend after she had been hurt about my not telling a woman who was hitting on me that I had a girlfriend. I said that I don’t lead with that because it’s weird. She wanted to make sure that when we’re together, there are specific times that we don’t talk about other people at all. (However, she was doing that a little bit last night, but I wasn’t going to mention that. That kind of thing doesn’t make me feel jealous.) I need to be gentle and sensitive about my current outings and such. It will be interesting to navigate when I go out on more than a first date with another girl.

I am using this morning to write out what is hurting me.

I’d rather resolve it through working through conflict.

I’m not easy to fight with in general.

I have a memory like a bear trap.

In fact, bear trap is probably just a good way to describe fighting with an Enneagram 8.

She had told me that she was very sad to have not engaged in an adult Halloween activity with me. I knew that it was her favorite holiday, but she already had plans as it was. I told her that going forward I would check in with regards to what she wanted to do each holiday.

I told her that thinking on it, Thanksgiving was an important holiday to me.

We’d planned to go to a Tree Lighting just us three.

Her best friend came.

We had been texting back and forth a bit about Christmas a few weeks ago and she asked what my plans were. Then she said that she and her daughter were free Christmas Eve morning. I’d said that I’d make a quiche and we could hang out. She sent the rosy cheeks smiley face.

Except that’s not happening. She wants me to hang out at the pool at her best friend’s house. I told her that I’d do it.

However, when I took her home last night after the movie, she found out that swimming was 10-12.

I feel like an afterthought.

There will be no quiche. There will likely be not much of anything because she’ll have to rush home, get packed, and then see me and maybe my son for a second and then rush to my metamour’s for their plans and overnight.

I don’t like it. The plans have changed twice when we were going to hangout just us three.

My therapist isn’t seeing his clients until 1/6/25. I’m thinking that I won’t make an appointment with him anyway until the 20th…

How do you fight with a significant other? How do make sure that your words land well?

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My Metamour

I had an impromptu dinner last night with the author. I told her all about my metamour. I really like him.

The author, who has two boyfriends, and a metamour who is one of her good friends said, “Tell me about your metamour.”

I said that he’s big, handsome and engaging. One of the things that I really liked best about him was that he and my girlfriend have many of the same mannerisms and also use the same expressions. They both consider things for a good period, nod and then say, “That’s fun.”

We’ve already exchanged emails. I want to teach him how to play frisbee golf, so I have to see which days he has off from work next week and the week after. (I played a lot of it when I was an undergrad.)

My girlfriend and he had built my girlfriend’s daughter’s playhouse that he’d gotten her for Christmas. She’ll wake up Christmas morning there and see it and it will be kept at his house. In many respects, he’s like a father to her; although, my girlfriend doesn’t agree.

On Thanksgiving, she had sent me this video of her daughter cackling while he picked her up into the air and was flipping her around. It was the sweetest video, and that is when I realized how much I wanted to know him.

My girlfriend said that she had to press him a whole bunch to ensure that he met me before Christmas.

We all went to the best Thai restaurant in our area on Wednesday night and talked. He paid and I said, “May I please get the tip?” and he gracefully accepted the cash. He’s from New England so he’s refined and has some almost feminine mannerisms, which are really just part of being from New England. Some of his manner is opposite of his large and muscular frame. He’s probably about 6’2″. He has twinkly blue eyes and is well-dressed and put together.

I’m not sure what their relationship will look like in the coming New Year. He’s moving in with his current girlfriend who also has a child. Her child is a preteen girl. I would imagine a lot of the features in their relationship will change.

I asked her if she’d ever remarry him and she said, “No.” They seem really good together and I think that both of them liked being married. I know that it’s complicated and obviously not on the table right now given that his girlfriend is moving in with him shortly.

I kept telling her that I needed to be his friend. Now, I know that I am. In fact, I’ll email him back on the 26th or 27th so I can see him and hangout solo. The weather is scary warm, so I’m sure that as long as it’s not windy we can play frisbee golf.

It’s interesting that the feelings of jealousy that I had prior are gone completely now. They were mostly related to my too quiet Thanksgiving and then hours alone. I wasn’t jealous of him. I was jealous of family. While I was lucky to have had Thanksgiving with my neighbors, they had a bustling one that was complete with boisterous cussing relatives.

I guess there could possibly be times when we had all three kids together at his place (my 19-year-old, her toddler and his girlfriend’s preteen). Maybe in the summer?

Regardless of what the future holds, I really like my metamour.

What does family mean to you? How do you do friendships? What do you think about adding people to your life?

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SP

In the enneagram, SP, means self-preservation. That is my third variant. I am the Sexual variant, which means that I do best 1-1 and that is how I extend myself into the environment. Here I am referring to being Solo Poly (SP).

I am Solo Poly.

To me, it means that I am independent and autonomous.

In it’s form for my execution it also means that I am at my best when I am living alone, not blending any finances and meeting all of my own needs.

Being solo poly impacts desires though, and I’ll get to that.

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend a little over three-months and I’ve known her about six.

We ate barbeque together on the 16th last month. She’d driven over and we hung out here and then we went out to dinner. She was going to pull out of the driveway that night so I could drive. I asked if she could just drive to the restaurant as it wasn’t far and she said, “I probably shouldn’t go anywhere that I’ve never been to before without my glasses. I’ll just pull out to the street.”

I asked her if it would be ok if I drove her car. She said of course. I said, “I’ve never driven a girlfriend’s car. I drove my ex-wife’s four different cars that she had when we were together a handful of times, but it’s not a thing that I normally do.”

She said, “Does that mean that we’re getting married?”

I felt taken aback. Then I flushed. I gathered myself and said, “I would highly doubt that I would ever get married again.” I was proud of myself.

She said something that I couldn’t hear because she was shutting her own door–I usually do that for her–and I wasn’t sure what she’d added.

When I got in her car and figured out how to start it, I said, “What had you said last?” And she said, “The plan is to get you to change your mind.”

I didn’t say anything. I was proud of myself.

I don’t ever want to remarry. If I was really sick, I would have to have somebody here with me in my house. I don’t want that person to be a significant other. I’d prefer to pay someone and empty my office so there were two extra bedrooms upstairs and that person could live here with their family rent free and earn a salary.

I don’t even like having my son here who’s had my laundry basket filled for two-weeks and trashes out everything that he touches or is around.

I’m troubled by too much time with any human and need recharge.

There are way too many animals here. With the hours that I work, I sometimes live in a gross fur palace.

I’m at my best with others when I’ve had solo time. I am solo poly.

The plan is to write about this topic in installments, so stay tuned.

How do you do romantic and intimate relationships? Have you always done them the same way? Do you think that traditional marriages work for the majority of people?

Snow Face
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Discussion

My son and I spent the whole day with my girlfriend and her daughter. We went to a cat cafe and played with kitties. My son fell in love with a black one and a dilute white and orange cat. He kept saying that he wanted the black one.

Then we went to an interactive indoor playground which was space and weather themed. I had a ton of fun going through the obstacles and on the slides. It was oriented for toddlers and elementary aged children, but there were plenty of parents and adults helping kids out. I had a great time and I think that my son seemed to as well.

We went to a late lunch early dinner too. It was a great start of my day.

Afterward, I went to the co-ed discussion group that I don’t get to attend often because of when my bowling schedule is when I’m on league. I hadn’t been in some time. Like many things that I tend to do, I do those alone.

Tonight the two topics which we discussed were balancing the needs for reassurance and gratitude for what having lots of love and loves brings.

A couple of folks talked about narratives that we spin in our heads. It’s like an entry that I wrote about the stories that we tell ourselves and often when we’re upset, we tend to make something up and even have scripts for what people may say. Another person shared that we sometimes feel something in our bodies and may just need to name that feeling. There were a couple of folks who said that it’s most important to work on yourself and deal with things that are problematic for you. I agree with all the points that folks made.

When we were talking about gratitude many people shared that being in concurrent relationships lends itself to opportunities that are not available in monogamy. I agree with that completely. I also liked that we talked about how friendships can be prioritized too because you can love deeply anyone with whom you’re in relationship and it doesn’t have to be intimate or romantic.

Image by Mote Oo Education from Pixabay

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Health

I felt like complete poo since the 19th of November. I wouldn’t have worked on the 19th, but I had to attend another person’s meeting and run my own. I also have realized that with not being at work for 6 work days that I don’t like my job anymore.

I’m going to put my name in a hat. I’ll keep my therapist job once a week and let the organization place me in sites. I really don’t want to be working with clients who are younger than 11; however, to escape this site, I’ll be more flexible than I am normally.

It feel so good to be physically healthy.

Image by Anna from Pixabay
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Near Miss

I saw my girlfriend on Thursday night. We talked and she had a tight right hip given that she sat on the floor for an hour that day and her toddler was jumping on her. It felt like the muscle was pulling in her sacrum.

I’ve had sciatica before and also have fractured and broken so many things that I just intuitively get the body.

I think that she was shocked after working it for about 15-minutes while she laid on her side how much it released. I asked her to lay on her back and she said that it felt better. The next day she texted me thank you and said that her whole hip felt great.

We’ve both had wicked colds. I realized that although I never get sick enough to miss work and generally have a wonderful immune system that I’ll be getting new things given that I’m dating a mother of a really little child. They’re pretty full of germs and have to build up their immunity.

It’s fine. She’s the third mother who I have dated. There is an overall lack of self-absorption and also divided energy that mothers have. I have that presentation too, and she and I have talked about it. I told her once, “When you get another girlfriend, it will be strange if she’s not a mother.” She told me that wouldn’t interest her at all.

In fact, she really only has time for her ex-husband and me anyway. She’s running a practice and does active parenting. Her kid goes the the kid’s gym, gymnastics, preschool twice a week, little hikes, and her daughter rides her scooter in many parks and swims.

They were going swimming yesterday (Friday). They often go to a pool fairly far away so they had to travel on one of our really busy interstates.

My girlfriend swerved into a lane yesterday which was thankfully empty to avoid a car that was going to hit her. Twenty-minutes later she saw that car again, and it had collided with two other cars.

I got a long text in the three o’clock hour about it.

Immediately, my eyes welled up with tears.

I am not a stranger to someone being suddenly gone. My brother was just dead after we got hit. The priest told me when he was giving me the last rites–which he wasn’t supposed to do–and I tried to get out of the gurney, but couldn’t because my pelvis was in three pieces. My former sister-in-law was just gone after having bike ride plans. That is how life really is. You don’t know how many days you have left.

After expressing being scared, relieved, and asking what I could do, I just sent a simple text to her.

It said: “I need to tell you that I love you. Sorry that I didn’t say it to you yesterday.”

After her hip had been addressed on Thursday and she could lay on her back, I laid mostly across her and she was rubbing my back. Her touch is just incredible. It’s relaxing and tender. I realized that I am in love with her. We talked a little more and then it was nine, so I just got up.

Her night time routine takes an hour and a half. Going to bed at 10:30, spending an active day with a toddler and then seeing clients all night is just unfathomable to me. She’s only just under three-years younger than I am. There isn’t any way that I could do it.

She asked where I was going and I said “Home,” and walked out of her apartment through her prep room and then into the practice area. I said, “It’s nine.” She followed me out and hugged and kissed me. We wound up talking in the foyer and then talking more when I went down the first flight of stairs. I was looking up at her. She’s so beautiful. I said, “This is Shakespearean. It’s as if I’m professing my love to you.”

She laughed and blew me a kiss and said something, but the moment was making me turn red and making my heart race a little bit, so I said, “Goodnight,” and walked down the last flight of stairs.

That could’ve been a moment of regret in an instant had the car slammed into her yesterday. Life is so short.

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2 Weeks

I haven’t written anything in two-weeks. That’s unique.

I think it’s because with the exception of being sick–my sinuses are infected–my life is pretty much motoring along evenly. I usually write when I’m wrestling with something, am angry, upset or had something huge happen in my life.

I have been seeing my girlfriend about once a week. This pace is perfect for me. I think it’s what she has for time too because her daughter is two.

I can’t imagine running a practice and raising a toddler.

We’ve had a variety of dates. We’ve walked a few miles, we’ve walked about a mile with the baby in a gorgeous canyon, we’ve watched a movie, we’ve had dinner at her house, she was sick as hell with food poisoning so we didn’t have dinner at my house, but she let me tend to her and we talked for three-hours, we’ve gone to a housewarming, and we’ve gone out to dinner twice.

I’ve never done this approach. I love being intentional and slow paced. I have always wanted it, and never had a girlfriend who would follow an even cadence with me. In June, I’ll have known her a year and it will be interesting to see this entry and consider it.

We’re shopping for her Christmas present on Monday. We have an agenda. Her arches are higher than mine, which is terrifying. When I do the running test for shoes the computer and salesperson always says the same thing, “Oh, wow, your arches are high, so we’ll only be able to choose between two insoles.” My ex-husband is going to sell her her very first pair of Birkenstocks! Cute.

On Wednesday, we’re having Thanksgiving brunch with my son’s godparents. Her daughter and my son will be there too. It will be sweet. Three teenagers and a two-year-old amongst middle aged adults!

On Black Friday we’re going to a tree lighting with her daughter. She invited her best friend, which initially I wasn’t keen on. However, her best friend isn’t from here and I don’t think that she’s still seeing her boyfriend so she naturally wanted to do something for Thanksgiving.

I haven’t met her ex-husband yet, and really want to do that. He’s basically my metamour. I had asked her if he bowls or plays Frisbee Golf and he doesn’t do anything like that. Maybe we can go to a basketball game. I’d like to have a friendship with him. He also has many years of history with her. I know that they were married for 17-years so probably it’s well over 20-years of some manner of relationship. She told me that he’d probably like to meet me too. I’m not going to push it, but am really glad to have seen a picture of him. She talks about him a lot. He’s seen a picture of me too and I’m not attached to what he knows or doesn’t know about me. I don’t ask her what she’s said or not said. He told her that I have a great smile.

I can say that being 50 is different. I’m not willing to stay in situations that make me miserable. These include those at work and in my personal life. I don’t think that I’m chasing anything in particular. The only goal that I have is to get the book printed.

What’s the end of your fall shaping up like? What is the current pace of your life?

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S/W

The woman who leads our women’s group doesn’t enjoy reading. I am reasonably sure that she has some difficulties with comprehension too. One of her partners has reading books together as a requirement. For whatever reason, she tells me that it’s not a requirement, but I don’t know what else it is to give somebody a book and then keep asking them when they’re done so you can talk about it. That at the very least feels like pressure to do something that you have no interest in doing.

I can’t build anything. It takes me days to do so when I have to use something new. We got about 4-inches of snow, so I had to winterize my cooler on my own. Last night, I gave up and finally took off the entire fitting because I couldn’t work around the pin to loosen the nut to get the poly water tube taken off.

Now, I did plant the step ladder safely, go up on the roof and take out the nut to the plug to drain what little water was left in the unit. I also had to wrap up the unit and tie straps around it so it was protected from snow. Finally, I reversed directions and came back down to the ground on the ladder. I can do that stuff.

I can’t build a grass catch for a mower.

My son’s wagon handle has hardware that is backwards.

My handwriting is hideous.

I can’t draw.

I couldn’t IMAGINE if my current girlfriend said that we needed to paint together to bond. That would be debilitating for me. I would likely cry while we were painting together.

However, it’s really common in relationships to require something of someone that they don’t like.

I think it’s weird. Reflecting on it, it also seems controlling.

Another thing that I know, from my personal experiences, is that people force compatibility.

You can find someone very physically attractive and have nothing to talk about and not really enjoy each other’s company. Then you have sex and that keeps you together. At least that offers you dopamine hits.

What do you require of a significant other (s.o.) to do with you that is not enjoyable for your s.o.? Do you believe that in relationship you should just go along as well as you can with things that you get no joy out of doing? Why should you require, or at least strongly suggest that a s.o. do something with you that as a grownup, they know that they don’t like doing and will not be adept at doing?

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Energy

If you’ve read my blog before you not only know that it’s an incognito diary, but that I write about lots of topics which are going on in my life. About 11 or 12-years ago, I realized that I had a children’s book in my mind and heart. I finally storyboarded it all this January.

Then Batman and I worked on it on 2/15, 6/26 and 8/7. I would say that the latter date was the only time in which she contributed any concerted effort because she read the text in its entirety. She made some revisions too. In February, we mostly ate and drank and made out. In June, we talked about her two quarter hiatus from work and what she wants to do for a living and cuddled. She doodled three scenes in a small sketch book.

If I’m being honest, likely she worked focused during the last session because there were two men at my house for the two-hours that she was here and then a project manager for a bit. It took three-weeks to have my upstairs painted and in August I was in the throes. If she’d remembered that we were working on it in July and not just said that she spaced it, it would’ve just been us because the painting crew leader had a flat tire that day.

I have never seen a page.

I am, often, promised a page.

Batman is a dancer and a climber.

Her art cannot have a timeline.

Batman’s energy is only focused from her own volition.

I’d seen Batman by chance a couple of weeks ago and simply texted that I’d seen her to which one of her reply texts was, “Can we meet about the book soon?”

I told her that we could if she got me a page first. Not shocking, but it’s going on the third week with no page. Again, she has focused energy that is fueled moment-to-moment and doesn’t seem to have timelines.

My best friend is a professional musician and also sculpts, crafts, makes jewelry and has recently begun painting and has sold a few commissions.

My best friend has loving, light and almost naive energy. She’s the easiest person in the world to be around and with whom to spend time.

My best friend has introduced me to WI. She’s amazing. Tall, beautiful, and a visual artist who grew up making art with her family. Her work is wonderful. She lives here with her girlfriend and wants to branch out her work as she’s already selling some pieces in two places here.

I get a page on Sunday–one week from today–and only have to pay her hourly fee for it. That is so cheap because she has to read all the text and painstakingly go through the storyboards to tell me things that she cannot draw. My revisions will come from that point.

I told WI the three things that I’m married to in this book. She is sketching a pivotal scene which is a plot element that I’m married to as well. I CANNOT WAIT TO GET THIS PAGE.

It’s interesting to me that working with WI has impacted my energy about the book and writing in general. I think that the reciprocity of working together makes me happy. True collaboration is important to me. I feel good today and my energy is lifted. From slightly hedonistic energy, to light energy and then landing on solidly ambitious energy has changed my focus.

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Love

Last night my girlfriend came over to my house. I’d made hashbrowns, a quiche, and had bought fruit yesterday morning.

I received a text from her while I was cooking before I biked to work. She was very sick as was her daughter. She said that she wasn’t cancelling and had to see how the day went.

That gave me pause. She seemed to be prioritizing seeing me although she was sick.

I kept waiting for her to cancel and she didn’t.

I can’t believe that she made effort while feeling terrible to see me when she and her daughter had eaten bad Raising Cane’s.

When she got to my house she was really pale. I asked her what she needed. She’s not good at answering those things. So, I started offering options.

I grabbed my son’s old comforter, laid it across the couch and we sat together. I then started suggested all kinds of food. We settled on my making her miso and I brought it to her.

Then I asked her if she wanted to lay down. Then we talked and I rubbed her shoulders and upper back. She told me that she was starting to feel better.

I don’t care that we didn’t eat the food that I made for her. I am so sorry that she got food poisoning; however, I was glad that I could be supportive and caring while she was resting at my house. (She and I had connected at her house last Sunday and she caressed, ran her hands down my legs and rubbed tight muscles–she’s really good at being tender and nurturing.)

There were a whole bunch of times last night when she was talking to me about my basic fear of vulnerability, my bad temper, my past relationship problems that I have fueled and such that I nearly said, “I love you.” I didn’t though, because I know it’s fall and we met in summer.

I have a belief that love is abundant. I also believe that you could be in love with two people concurrently. I’m falling for this woman.

She’s smart, sexy, a little unpredictable, caring, supportive, funny and the best communicator that I’ve ever been around. I can’t wait to see her on Friday. I trust her explicitly and am enjoying our unfolding relationship. Our date wasn’t at all what we’d talked about or what I’d planned. And the time that I have with her always flies by. I didn’t tell her that she was late to relieve the babysitter either 😈

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Sleeping

It’s likely that I am now fully in menopause. I haven’t had a cycle this year. It’s strange, because my mother had cycles until she was in her early 60s. There are only 74-days left this year, so we’ll see.

I haven’t slept really well since before I got married. My ex-wife had nightmares and would often scream in the night. Of course, given that she was in state of sleep paralysis, the scream was like a moan until she could wake herself up and then really start screaming. She eventually slept in the spare bedroom, but because it’s across a fairly narrow hallway, I would have to go over there and either wake her up or knock on the door if she had it locked. My sleep became poor during my marriage, but if she was elsewhere, as she was sometimes for a few months, I could always sleep 7-9 hours.

My son has been out of my house for 15-months so humans don’t wake me up.

I do that myself.

Last night, I was wide awake at 12:30 (I guess Friday morning is accurate). I got up. Reread text messages between my girlfriend and I whilst sipping Valerian tea. I slept another 4-hours.

I feel fine.

I had two rounds of dreams as well.

I would like to go back to 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And I’ve had medical advice from a FNP. I’ll reproduce some of it here.

Magnesium can make me feel like I have a sleep hangover. I wake up and I’m groggy. Not that the FNP suggested this oral over the counter, but the same is true of taking melatonin. I feel groggy the next day. I have taken CBD and had mixed results with it (not medically advised), and sometimes it also can make me groggy.

I shouldn’t read in bed. I should read in the living room and then go to bed afterward.

Unfortunately, I grind my teeth. However, I have an incredibly expensive custom nightguard now, so I’m adjusted to that just now. Even that took time, because I guess I was trying to grind my teeth initially, because they would feel weird when I woke up and took out the nightguard. They feel fine now, and have for the entirety of this week.

I also sometimes fist my hands in sleep and wake up with hands so sore that it feels like I’ve been boxing. That hasn’t happened in a few months though.

What sleep advice do you have for a 50-year-old? How do you sleep? How has the quality of your sleep changed?

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Booze

My current girlfriend doesn’t drink.

I think that I drink if I’m bored mostly. I also sometimes drink with a few of my friend groups. I typically drink when I’m bowling and usually do so at dinner. I have fun at beer fests and did one solo recently. I have had wine with holiday dinners since I was born.

I learned from being with one of my previous partners, who now has a new liver, that it is anger-provoking to be with someone who is tipsy, drunk or loaded when you’re sober. In fact, I remember when she didn’t even acknowledge that I had landed, was swimming topless in a pool, and I had to drag my suitcase to the place where she was because I didn’t know the name of the complex where our room was in Key West. She was either drunk or was edgy and pissy all the time. If she hadn’t been drinking (yet), she’d snap at you.

Batman and I nearly split a bottle of wine once during dinner that we’d cooked together. We had drinks in a bar one time. Another time when we were doing book planning, she and I drank tequila and ate taco soup. Otherwise, she and I hung out sober. In fact, the time that we made out for almost four-hours we had been drinking tea. When I’m with women, I don’t drink at all unless they are too.

I had a hideous day at work yesterday and was tapped out too because the day involved my being away from the house just over 12-hours and the petsitter’s boyfriend came over after I’d gotten home. (He was supposed to be there 5:30-7:30.) I didn’t quite understand all of his explanation; however, I told him that I’d make two different arrangements while his girlfriend is abroad. I accepted his apology.

I low key wanted a drink. Instead, I made a potluck invitation and waited for my girlfriend to text me so I could connect with someone who I care about before I went to sleep. I would’ve made up my cardio given that I missed Monday because I was with my girlfriend and her daughter in a canyon, but I was too tired. I would’ve had a beer if I wasn’t thinking.

LA was either drunk or nursing a hangover by drinking when I she flew in to meet me in NYC after I turned 50. There was a time period that I wasn’t sure that the nature of our friendship would survive. However, when I was talking with my girlfriend about it, slept on it one night, and then when I awakened I realized that it was more about her sleep apnea that she doesn’t take care of that upset me. (My son was born with enlarged tonsils and by the time I fought with the HMO long enough and they removed them, his adenoids had formed plaques blocking his airway completely.) I don’t like that drowning noise. It scares me.

When I was pregnant with my son, I missed coffee. I had an even more heightened sense of smell then– and my sense of smell is strong anyway–but when I would smell coffee, I wanted a cup or five. It was only when I was eight-and-a-half-months pregnant and so miserable that I would have four tablespoons of red wine and take a bath. I didn’t miss alcohol for my pregnancy.

What’s your relationship with alcohol? When have you had more of it than other times in your life? What do you see with your friends and family when they’re drinking?

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Romance

I have my fourth date with ________ tonight. I’m picking her up at 6:15.

I cannot wait to get my arms around her and listen to her.

She said that she likes the colors in the rainbow as her favorite color. When she asked mine, she’d painted a replica of Georgia O’Keefe on a small canvas and wrapped it. What’s really crazy is that I saw it at The Met. She added more red to it than was in the original.

I’m wearing a black t-shirt from my league that has rainbow letters tonight. I’ll wear jeans and Birkenstocks too.

She’s coming over for a bit because she’s never seen the inside of my house. Then we’re heading to the Realtor’s Housewarming. We can only stay an hour because she has to get home to relieve the babysitter.

On Monday we’re all three going hiking. If my son didn’t have school, I’d have him come along too.

I think it’s natural to reflect on previous relationships when you’re starting a new one.

The largest backdrop now is that I’m not exclusive with anyone. Whenever Batman pops up we’ll be romantic. When GA visits again, I’ll take her on a date. I’m still interested in having girlfriends who don’t live here too.

Face your past: One reflection point entered into my main site two weeks ago too and now I’ll work with her. I hadn’t seen her in 12-years. So they’re would be no issues, I texted her to meet. I think that she thought that I was still interested in her, which is alarming. It’s also arrogant.

How did it even happen: The CEO and I were excellent break-up / make-up people and I slept with this woman for a few weeks when the CEO and I were on hiatus. Of course the latter flipped out and then said that we needed to date again. This woman, who now I’ll work with, is called the Little Liar and Peter Pan in my blog. She ran with a lie about her career for weeks. I caught her in it when she wasn’t working. I was pissed.

Now, she’s just someone who I work with 3-4 days a week and we’ve agreed to say that we dated 12-years-ago so we don’t have to have dishonesty at work. She added, “I have a partner,” when she was standing by me when I was getting on my bike to leave, and I quickly said, “I have situations too.” Not that she asked. In fact, she didn’t ask me anything and jawed away for half-an-hour and I got bored and started getting up. Oh, the things that we do when we’re still in throes of a dysfunctional relationship!

Regardless, seeing her on site for an interview was alarming at first. Then, I processed and read entries from July and August of 2012. After I stopped seeing her and after I finally put the nail in the coffin with the CEO, I wrote about what I’m looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable

It’s so strange. I wrote this 12-years-ago. ________ checks off each number.

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Stereotypes

I’d heard all kinds of things about NYC from people who lived there, were born in one of the five boroughs, or had visited there once or with frequency. I didn’t find anything that I had heard to be true.

  1. People are not friendly
  • There could never be something more far from the truth. People in the hotels, people on the street, people in restaurants connected with me and helped me
  • A young man approached me at La Guardia and told me where the taxi stand was and offered to take me to where I was staying for a flat rate which included all toll fees. (I tipped him well because he was the sweetest. He was handsome and charming and I kept hoping that in 5-years that will be how my kid is.)
  • I got in very late, checked into my hotel at 10, and my room was 61-degrees and I called downstairs and the concierge told me how to turn off the blower. Then he called me back. Then an engineer from facilities came upstairs to check on me
  • I got lost a lot. Everyone helped me
  • I needed recommendations, and everyone offered one when asked
  • I fought with a Citi Bike to get it in the back in the rack. I couldn’t get it to thread and a man born in Rhode Island who has been a transplant now in NYC for 30-years helped me get it in the clips
  • The lesbians were friendly, made conversation and were so affectionate

2. NYC is expensive

  • The prices that I paid for meals were like those in Santa Fe, Denver and less than in Boulder
  • Portions are so huge that you can take them with you. I ate Asian style ribs, skirt steak with excellent Chimichurri and yellow rice because LA who met me at the end of my trip didn’t finish it. I didn’t have to eat gross and overpriced airport food when I was flying home
This is one of the best things that I’ve ever eaten–and I’ve had 36-hour rotisserie chicken at Bobby Flay

NYC is dirty

  • I have never seen workers pressure walking sidewalks with that much frequency. Everywhere I’d go in Manhattan, I would have to dodge hoses because they were making sidewalks pristine
  • All of the garbage from giant apartment buildings and brownstones are bagged and collected constantly. There are not plastic bottles or bags anywhere in the gutter, and I stayed on Times Square!
  • People sit out on their stoops and if they’re smoking or vaping, they collect what belongs to them and put it in a napkin or the like and throw it out in the metal garbage cans that are everywhere

NYC has tons of crime

  • Ok, truthfully I was in Queens and Manhattan; however, my step count for the trip was 110,680 and I was walking after 4 am twice, and once was alone! I also used the subway, and have never felt safer. (Times that I’ve thought that I could die have been in Jacksonville and Las Vegas.)
  • There are police officers everywhere. They’re pretty stoic; however, they’re at work in one of the largest cities in the world, so I understood lack of eye contact and business-like natures. When we tried to take the subway from the theater district to Little Italy for the San Gennaro festival, a police officer got us through the turnstile because we were heading the wrong way out of Manhattan and he called another Police Officer at different subway station to let us through the turnstile and not the scanning gate (He didn’t want us to pay again.)
  • You can see cameras on the streets, on businesses, and there are private security guards near shopping districts

I just hope that if you’ve heard these myths and not visited, you’d consider NYC. It is a wonderful place to visit because you have art and performance. It’s also a friendly, reasonably priced, safe and clean city. I guess that now I understand “I love New York.” I think that my turning 50 there will leave a lasting impact on me and my life going forward. Don’t believe the myths.

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Half a Century

I spent my 20s establishing my career, my 30s coming out, my 40s getting financially stable, and wonder what my 50s will hold. I’m not sure.

I got off of a plane and had a private driver explain the boroughs of NYC to me after he offered to take me to my hotel. He told me some things that I could do which would be unique. After I checked in, I went walking.

After a huge serving of guacamole and two tacos, I heard the staff singing to a man and realized, “Wait, it’s after 2 in the morning, so it’s my birthday! I went over to his table and asked when his birthday was and it was actually the day before. I told him that mine was today. He wished me a happy birthday.

An hour later, the staff came out with a vanilla ice cream rolled in toasted coconut topped with sprinkles. They sang to me, which I usually hate, but it made me happy. I told everyone at the restaurant that I was 50.

Did you know that Julia Child was an accomplished chef, but that her tv show which propelled her into fame was filmed when she was in her 50s? Judi Dench was a stage actress who’s appearance in “Goldeneye” made her famous. She made that film at 50. I hope to publish my book at 50.

I did things the next day that made me happy. I looked at art for 4-hours and walked everywhere. I went to a restaurant in Manhattan on the other side of Central Park, and I tried to eat broccoli rabe, but they didn’t have any, so I ate roasted carrots and calamari rings with homemade red sauce. When I did finally get back to where I was staying I read “Class,” and spoiler alert, this book is even better than “Maid” is.

NYC was a great place to reach 50. I’m glad that I made it happen. My other goals pertain to my book, reading for pleasure everyday, staying healthy and strong, working on my emotional landscape and being intentional with my time.

I try to ensure that I’m reading everyday because I want to publish my book this year. Right now, I’m looking for an illustrator. Batman is off-grid. I took her bio off of my website. I can’t wait around for her, so I’m contacting folks on Fiverr. I thought that I had a good connection with an artist in Spain, but now the messages are gone. I have to keep plugging away

Making it to half a century is a big deal. I want to stay in good physical condition and connect with people who I love. It’s important to me to continue things that are meaningful to me, and I know that I want to let go of many other habits thereby disrupting some behavior patterns.

I read an article to get ready to write this post. The author says that when women turn fifty that they have to see if the curtains that see match the patterns in themselves inwardly and outwardly. Looking inward is always a little difficult for me.

I struggle a bit making sense of my own emotions (inwardly) so I have to take lots of time to process. I wonder if it would be helpful to rate my emotion daily as a tracking? Outwardly, I’m in good physical shape–especially for my age and the fact that my body was in pieces 36-years ago. I think that my body matches my mindset. I am thinking about tracking where I am day to day with my sleep, activity, level and human connections that occur in real life.

I’ve done it. I am the last one in my family of origin and I’m half a century. I visited the coolest city in the world (I’ll have an entry upcoming.). I have been reading voraciously, I am contacting professional illustrators for my book, I am quite fit, I am committed to improving my emotional bandwidth, and I refuse to say yes to spending time with anyone who’s life I don’t enhance and vice versa.

What did you do when you turned 50?

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Plan

I have a million thoughts in my head and have so many topics that I’d like to write about. I think that I need to make a plan. I haven’t written in a really long time and don’t know how to complete one coherent post. I would appreciate anyone making a comment with a vote of where I should start.

  1. Why the myths about NYC are myths
  2. Turning 50 in the most robust city
  3. A new, incredible love interest
  4. Why going slow and being intentional with romantic interests is helpful
  5. Sleep
  6. Alcohol
Image by Pexels from Pixabay

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Reality

I dreamt about being late to my date today. I don’t know why I got coffee out before my date, but in the dream I did. I was in one of our older neighborhoods getting some coffee when the whole street got really crowded. I looked out to a suddenly busy street from the coffee shop window.

At home I make coffee and take the last two cups with me in thermos. In the dream, I wanted to be a couple miles away from the park where we’re meeting, so I ordered coffee in a shop. The crowds were teeming and then city police started closing streets. I finished my cup, and left the coffee shop.

I didn’t like the way that I was dressed. I didn’t have any makeup on either. I got to the car a couple of minutes before 11 and the GPS said it was 55-minutes in a car. I was incredulous. It would be faster to walk.

I got out of my car and started out on foot when police started diverting people off of the sidewalks. A couple of people and I wound up in an apartment. We turned directions and a couple said, “That’s a bedroom.” We shut the door, and walked back out to the street.

I ran back to my car and got in and was watching as water barricade barrels started being put up on the main street. I knew a side street that I could drive down and then I could make a whole bunch of turns and likely get to the park at about 11:25, so I was going to send ________ a text.

In the dream I was back in the coffee shop. My Mom was there and asked, “What is ________ looking for in a man?” I told her that I truthfully didn’t know. I also told her that I didn’t know her relationship history and her timeline with dating women. My Mom asked where I’d met her and I said that I’d interacted with her minimally and listened to her frequently in a women’s discussion group. I said that if I could get there anytime soon, I was looking forward to my date.

My Mom talked about how it was good that the date was this year. She told me that I wasn’t really ready to date anyone these past two years and now I have enough space away from my divorce.

My plan today is to take the dogs on a quick jaunt after I finish some more coffee. I’m pretty groggy. I’m going to go to the gym and lift weights. I usually get an adjustment after I lift, but I’m going to get those on Tuesday and Friday nights instead. After I get home from weights, I need to refill 9-gallons of water and buy coffee beans. When I get home I am going to shower, and get ready. I don’t know if I’ll have time to do any cleaning, and if I don’t, I’ll just head out to my date at 11:15.

I think that the main things in the dream that are realistic are that I’ve not gone on a date with someone who I don’t know in many years, and I don’t know much about her. Unlike the dream, traffic shouldn’t be a problem and I could realistically bike to the park. I’m wondering what it will be like today? I know it certainly won’t be so fragmenting like my dream.