Tag Archives: Dating

by

Karaoke and the new book

I got to the good venue for karaoke and the nice guy from work was so late. He was also super stoned. He’s hard to relate to when he’s that stoned. I drank five glasses of water and got a free beer. I’d been there three Mondays in a row when it was closed, so the owner said he’d buy me a drink next time and he did so. Finally, the nice guy joined me and my other colleague and I put my name in the Internet queue. I sang “Faith” and I nailed it. Later I sang the Mikky Ekko part to “Stay” while my friend sang Rhianna and we harmonized really well. She stayed with me when I was waiting and I sang “Wanted Dead or Alive” and had everyone singing the echo in the chorus. I’m sounding good lately. I also still love playing guitar and taking a class for it, so I’m hopeful to just continue to get better musically generally.

I’m going to go with him again on Thursday and will hope that he isn’t too stoned. I also have a lot of struggles refraining from judgment with his obsession with this girl who lives in FL and went to Pride with him last month. She’s beautiful, and they had a good time, but his incessant texting with her is really weird. I had to tell him that he was codependent the last time we were together because he always leaves to drive his ex home from work. They still live together. Why can’t she walk home? It’s about a mile. I’m not writing behind his back either, because I tell him these things. It’s just sad.

Gahran’s (2017) book is great. She must have had to really sort her survey data.! I can’t imagine. It was difficult enough for me when I did my dissertation, and I only had to sort 12 interviews. Her research included over1500 survey responses. That is amazing.

So far, I’ve taken these nuggets away:

  1. The concept of social territoriality has threads of jealousy within it when other partners try to control or otherwise have license to limit behaviors of another partner. I think that communicating what both partners are comfortable with doing when they’re not together would help this factor unless a partner is abusive or is hiding hidden agendas.
  2. People will often assume that if someone is ethically nonmonogamous that they’re in a phase or that they hate monogamy. I think that being polyamorous tends to appeal to people who question status quo generally and that monogamy is the norm so it tends to work for most people.

I’ve only read the first part of the book, which is divided into 6 parts total, so it’s probably going to take me some time to digest it. It’s been helpful so far and different than the other four in this genre that I’ve read. I will likely blog about it again.

Until then, I have guitar, bowling, what may be the final walkthrough in the house, climbing, and karaoke. I should have some material to consider by Friday. Cheers, Folks.

Image by wal_172619 from Pixabay
by

Dragging Ass

Wait. What is up with these fonts?!? It’s bothering me to write. Why did they change? They didn’t email me. Software engineers are likely well-intentioned, but these things can be alarming. I’ll write anyway.

I went to happy hour and people were talking about work. That can be annoying. It also makes the men leave abruptly which leaves me feeling paranoid. I ordered BBQ nachos with diced jalapeños. Everyone inhaled them–I should have ordered two orders. I went to the bar and sang one song and didn’t like the vibe and couldn’t get anyone to meet me so I went to Trader Joes and got some beef ribs which I put in the ceramic skillet and left on 8 while I walked the dogs quickly. I wolfed all but one.

I slept off and on until 8. I’m going to shower, walk my dogs, and then get the coffee packs and granola bars and such out of my car from my main site out, and go to my secondary site. Hopefully, I can just get my vacation setting on remotely from any phone, and I’ll do the one in that work email. I did a two-week and a day vacation setting for my one university job and I’ll log into the other one when I get back from OR. I have to start checking that one more faithfully. Those are doctoral students only so the level of maintenance is more significant for whatever reason.

“Plural Loves,” which I’m reading now is ok. Some chapters are better than others, but it’s mostly just a lot of sex. Sex is fine, but I like the psychologically nuanced stuff and research things more. It’s not bad and there are tons of contributing authors to the book. I’ll be done tonight or tomorrow night. It’s cool that an Ereader tracks your book progress. Glad that I bought an Ereader.

I cut the grass yesterday between happy hour and karaoke. It took a very long time and it’s a small patch of grass so it was pretty funny. After I’m at work an hour or so, I’m going to three pet stores–how annoying–and getting everything so that I don’t come back to any problems. I made my son watch “16 candles” this week, and he loved it. I told him that I will not come back to a house like that. I’m really hopeful. My neighbors will look in on him, thank goodness.

Image by Maggie Morrill from Pixabay

I have a really rattly cough. It sounds wet in the morning. I also have had some pretty bad headaches, which I’ve not had in years. Just a gross cold going around, I guess. I don’t know if it will be gone by Tuesday, but I hope so. I brought home a KN95 to wear on the plane. I’ve not been sick like this in many years.

Aquarius is the ballet dancer’s best friend out here. She wanted to do long distance with her semi-gf who is still in Nashville. That woman’s mother told her that they shouldn’t talk for a month, so they didn’t until yesterday and then they talked and decided not to date. I texted her that was wise and she said that she wants to believe that. Anyone in their mid-twenties who still has a parent with that much sway isn’t a love interest. That’s a child. She is going to bowl for me next Wednesday when I’m in OR and our other teammate is her age and also from the south. Hoping, hoping, hoping! I love setting people up. I hope that they hit it off.

I have to go. I have to shower. I have to walk the girls. I have to work a couple hours. I have to run errands. I have to work in the yards before the storm rolls in. I’m Ernest Hemmingway.

by

Boundaries

I used to say yes all the time when offered extra work. There isn’t any way that I’ll do that anymore. They’d like me to teach the crisis intervention class on the main campus of the university. I had asked weeks ago via email if I could get a hotel room three Saturdays and he just didn’t answer. I saw him yesterday in the lines for students getting ready to walk to the stage in their robes with their specialist hoods on, and he said, “Yeah, I don’t think that we’ll be able to do that.” No email. No response until I directly asked him yesterday at graduation. I said, “Well, I think that you’ll have to get someone else to teach it. It took me an hour and fifty-minutes to get up here.” I know it wouldn’t take me that long on a Saturday and Sunday, but why? A half tank of gas and my hips getting stiff three times for $2,600? No way.

I’ve known this Dean for 26-years. We were ships passing in the night until I took a class when I first entertained a doctorate in 2003. When I got my first graduate degree she was a professor there and left right before I started, but I knew her. Then she went to two different universities before directing the program that I just finished coordinating. Recently, she was promoted to Dean. Her successor isn’t half as professional as she is with respect to consistency in contact, answering emails, and being able to get ahold of readily. I’ll teach the internship class as long as they need me to because it’s a really low lift and I don’t have to go anywhere. I don’t mind Zooming because there isn’t any content to speak of; you answer questions and lead supervision. Videoconferencing for hours in a training or with lecture is terrible. The software wasn’t made for that!

I actually didn’t stay. It was cold and and windy and I didn’t want to be in the bleachers. I would have had to order months ago and really advocate for my doctoral robe and cords and stuff. I never did walk when I got my doctorate because my final defense was a week before the first day of fall in 2014 and by the time May of 2015 rolled around, I was already working in higher ed and doing my post-doc. Maybe someday I’ll participate as faculty in my robe for graduation. However, it was really nice to see all of them. Three weren’t there. I texted them and one said that she is buying me beers and we’re connecting about our field soon! They were a special cohort to coordinate. They had to learn intelligence and cognitive testing in fishbowl masked watching me test my neighbor’s kids. They practiced on each other or on friends to try to learn instruments. In the height of COVID parents didn’t let their students volunteer for anything. People were dying.

Mother’s Day is fucking me up this year. It didn’t last year, and it is this year. I miss my Mom and have been so teary all the time. I didn’t cry yesterday at graduation, and wouldn’t have had I stayed, but I am heavy and sad. I probably should talk to someone about it, but now I bowl on Wednesdays so I can’t go to group on the 17th. Actually, like many things, just writing about it is helping.

I dreamt on Wednesday night that the climber was laying on my back while I was facing away from her in a chair. She’d done that in March I think. I’m pretty sure it was before we kissed last–maybe it was February. However, in the dream we would up laying together and she was holding my hands which started to sweat and we were moving our hands together and she laid on my back. It wasn’t erotic, but definitely sexual and sensual. I like the way that she feels against me in life too. I texted her Thursday, “I dreamed about you last night.” I didn’t get a response, but I wanted to be vulnerable. Again, boundaries–I control me. I don’t know if we will wind up doing anything soon. She has said three times that we need to climb after work, and then she has missed at least two Mondays. In fact, she has missed a day or two of work for many months now. She misses a lot of work. I don’t. I think showing up no matter what and not taking mental health days is also a boundary for me.

My son has prom. I guess I’ll go to the bar tonight. I’ll only get to sing once because of the weird way that she does the rotation, but that is fine. I may stay awhile. We go to the good venue with my Boss, her sister and some of her sister’s friends on the 13th. There is no way that the owners will be at a basketball game on a Saturday! I’m excited for the 13th. My boss’ sister teaches classes in BDSM nationwide and internationally. That isn’t my thing, but she’s poly and has a huge scene. I’m looking for mentors. Three days after that on what would have been my Mom’s 74th birthday, I meet the group members–ones who are doing this event anyway–at another karaoke venue who are also poly. I’m not putting energy out to date, but want to be around other people who have lived in this world. I’ve had experiences with it, but not recent ones, and never was in a community.

Chop wood; carry water. It’s time to put on running pants, a sports bra, and a wicking shirt and walk my dogs! Happy Saturday.

Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay
by

New one: Fosse (2021)

I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).

I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.

For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.

“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂

I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.

Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.

The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.

I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.

Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.

A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!

“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.

Image by iqbal nuril anwar from Pixabay
by

Solo Polyamory

Last fall I realized and made known to anyone who was talking to me about romance and relationship that I wanted never to mix finances or live with anyone. My divorce finalized a couple of weeks before my 48th birthday last fall. Then enter the climber who is poly and gender non-conforming and we had a fun outdoor climb. I started thinking is there a way to not be like her and live with people but be poly? I ran across this blog entry: https://holierthantao.com/2023/04/03/exploring-relationships-beyond-monogamy-the-rise-of-ethical-non-monogamy/

I nodded over and over as I read it, and then began some research. I read “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Here is a podcast that I found after I’d read a 10-year-old book: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/solo-polyamory/id1493565823?i=1000570686209

That was amazing for me. One of the people that Peter McGraw interviewed has had two “sweethearts” for years. Another woman interviewed has had a 6-month, year, and three-year relationship and has just started up with someone exciting who provides that which is referred to as “new relationship energy” (NRE) in the polyamorous world. A book comes out next winter and I’ll definitely read it.

Now, it’s time for me to go on more dates or spend more time with different women. I’m not sure how though to be completely honest via my incognito blog-diary. I think that I’ll join a group in May or June. I’m not a particularly social person. I do much better 1-1. I force myself to play kickball and bowl with strangers and now that our latter team has disbanded, I’m bowling with two colleagues and one of the colleague’s cousins on the gay league still. I also go to a guitar class each week, and don’t really like the social aspect. I just go to get better on the guitar. I’m trained as a psychologist; although, I never took the EPPP and did post-doc stuff in higher ed instead. (I would have had to taken it and passed it between the fall of 2014-2021 and never really studied much.) I mention that because people like to talk to me: a lot. I don’t love conversation unless it’s interesting.

When you’re a solo polyamorist you don’t personally have a primary relationship. There isn’t a triad or quad. I’ve done a vee and been in a dishonest quad. The former two-years after the divorce from my ex-husband and the latter in college, which really feels like a thousand years ago. What I didn’t like was the pressure in those. You have to follow through on things because the person that you’re with has other obligations at times, so you have to be available when the woman is.

I don’t want a primary relationship again. I don’t mind being on the side of some woman’s geometry, but don’t want to have to ask anyone who I can kiss. Additionally, when one reads NYT or the like what you’ll find are interviews of women who have two boyfriends. That isn’t me.

I also am independent and have a whole bunch of hobbies which my jobs get in the way of–especially in the spring. My health is so important to me. I like to sleep 7-10 hours, cook and eat really good food, and when I can’t cook I like to have a crispy apple, a can of albacore and an avocado. My sleep, nutrition and exercise were something that I compromised in both of my marriages. I’ll never do that again.

Solo polyamorous people don’t have a most significant other and their primary relationship is with themselves. I am a great date. I concentrate on that person completely, don’t use or even check my phone, and am an impeccable listener who asks good questions and can remember with uncanny detail what women tell me. I am a great friend. I cook for new mothers weekly, I drop off meals for women who have lost a family member, I coordinate details and make food for birthday parties, I call often friends who are going through difficult times. These, the romantic, and the platonic efforts, all come from me and I don’t have any expectation for anything in return. I love others all the time.

Here I am. My best friend is married and has two different jobs and various employees. I would say that all of my long-term friends, as defined as a minimum of 20-years, are either married or in longer term monogamous relationships. These folks are busy with work and other things. They’re also all: straight. I think that I need to have intentional new friendships and I think that I need to have poly role-models. There are certainly things that I don’t ever want to do: live with someone, give money to someone, put all of my love into one woman, or be in large groups for hours. I wonder what is next for me this spring and summer?

Image by xiSerge from Pixabay
by

My mistaken quad

In the execution of my life, which is slow processing, I realized yesterday that I had a quad before and it was full of missteps. My best friend had a belated birthday party Friday night. I talked with a clinical psychologist about where I am. Then she told me something that only her husband and daughters know. She had been exclusively with women her whole life. The sole man that she has slept with is her current husband with whom she’s very much in love. She told me, “I really like your life plan.” I also talked with my best friend’s singing partner’s partner at length as well. She had an open marriage and was deep in the kink scene. I’ll bet that she knows my Boss’ sister! Small world, and it got my wheels of the past turning.

My college girlfriend was heteroflexible. So, I’ll be her only woman; although, she does find women beautiful. I was pretty uncomfortable with my sexuality until I was 33, so our relationship was pretty one-way sexually speaking. I introduced her to a boy that I went to high school with and they carried on a distance relationship with visits and such. I don’t know why it didn’t make me jealous. When she began sleeping with a guy who had roomed across the hall from the guy who became my husband, I got crazy. I wrote her letters and told her that cheating on my high school classmate was wrong. Was it? No, she was falling in love with this guy with whom she’s been in a long-term marriage for probably 23 or 24-years now.

The whole thing is dishonest. We were in a quad for at least 6-months, and only she and I knew about it. So, I was cheating too because my high school classmate didn’t know. I slept with my future husband, and then that ended our quad.

I’m on pg. 227 in Sheff (2013) and people do this kind of thing all the time. I won’t again. When I get into a triad or quad, it will be an open and honest union. I think that ethical and consensual non-monogamy should involve straightforward talk about what everyone needs. I think that looking back, the men would have freaked out completely had they known that I was sleeping with her for years. We were too young to navigate polyamory. I’m glad that I have had two experiences with it though as I venture out into new partnerships.

I was worthless yesterday. My son has a dog and cat sitting gig and busted into the house a bit before 7 yesterday and disturbed my REM cycle. I didn’t do much at all. This morning, I have already deep cleaned litter boxes, have burritos in the oven, am drinking coffee and have my laundry downstairs. I lift today at the gym. I’ll get more of the litter which is difficult to find on my way home. I sing tomorrow with two colleagues and the nice guy at the good venue. I’m hosting an open house for dinner and music on Thursday, and will invite the nice guy and his gf, the climber and her sister who’s visiting in addition to any other member of her household, and my best friend is a definite yes. My best friend’s singing partner is coming and her partner who used to have an open marriage is coming late. Therefore, the house needs to be addressed today and I need to do some yard work! I’ll write on Friday unless something that I need to process occurs.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay
by

Men

I love them. For example, at my Boss’ birthday party I was so glad that this one guy was there, I embraced him close, and asked him, “Are you going to ____’s baby shower?” and he said, “Yes.” I told him that I was so glad and now I would go although those things made me profoundly uncomfortable. I didn’t even say the wife’s name when I was asking the guy if he was going. I consider it the guy’s baby and he was my former work husband and this guy’s best friend.

I feel much more comfortable in the company of men than I do a majority of straight women. I have had male climbing partners and am mildly obsessed with Owen who bowls on the same league as I do. I was in tears when I saw the micro-penis on the ultrasound when I was 20-weeks pregnant. I LOVE MEN.

I just read this:

“Lesbians who view bisexual women with contempt are unlikely to be comfortable in a setting so heavily populated with bisexual women, especially when the bisexual women are so highly valued in poly communities” (p. 96, Sheff, 2013).

That is bizarre. Why would you be threatened by a man? So what if your lover/partner also has a male partner?

I’ve also been troubled by groups of lesbians since completely coming out in 2007. They’re cliquey and exclusive. Also, here in the west they’re often really butch and then I think, “Why aren’t you into men?”

Image by nugroho dwi hartawan from Pixabay
by

Boom

I have been with avoidant attached folks. I have some anxious features, but wouldn’t say that is my style. I feel secure. I wonder if because of my relationship experiences, I’ve gotten more anxious. There is a super long post here called “Becoming Me,” which illustrates the entirety of my coming-out affair. (I’d been with two girls who were bi-flex prior: high school and college.) However, what I have been drawn to are avoidant women and my ex-husband too, honestly. I think that I’ve liked the intense attraction to me. Great information for me too, because attraction is great, but it leads to things that are weird like saying that she has to move out, or eluding to plans that never get made. I can detach from that stuff, and won’t take it on. I know what I want and where I’m going.

I dreamt that my ex-wife was here for a visit and she opened up the back windows after I took a shower so I asked her if she liked having a cold room after she showered and she said yes. I took off my robe and she laid on the bed so I laid on her. Again, I was attracted to her for years and first just from a picture. I know that I had this dream because I was telling the climber on our solo commute home that I was so glad that my son talked to his stepmom. She apparently is fighting with her Mom. Her stuff really stemmed from that original relationship, and I don’t think that either of them have the tools to talk through their avoidant attachment which is their foundation. My ex-wife really resents her mother and was telling my son that she wants to move out. I was neutral with him. His father is so irritable all the time and my son complains all the time about him, so I’m 1) glad that the chapter closes on May 20th and there isn’t a single reason for me to ever have to speak to his Dad, and 2) I can just be happy that he will be in touch with his stepmom and still have conversations with her. I think that’s healthy.

There are so many things that I need to learn about being poly. I think what is sticking out to me 57 pages into the Sheff (2014) book is that honesty and communication is key. I’m super direct, being an 8, and always try to work on being kind. The latter won’t be at my expense though. If a woman starts doing weird stuff, I’m just going to stay neutral. I don’t chase. I also don’t say things that I don’t mean. I don’t want to be in love with an avoidant woman. I think that you do have some control over falling in love. I would go on dates with avoidant women–they’re fun–but I don’t want a partnership with them.

Speaking of which, the photographer is really good at what she does. The walkthrough went well, and I ran into one of my neighbors who I think that I have known for over 30-years. I hugged him, and we caught up. He’s in between jobs. His shop that he worked for closed 6-months ago so he’s hustling and doing contracting. That sealed it for me. I want him to do all the work that the photographer recommended should be done so that the house looks good. I’ll just need to get a loan that I pay back at the end of summer. I did just what I said I would do: I treated her like a professional and thanked her several times. She texted that she is honored to help me through this process and thanked me for trusting her. I made sure to give her wide berths, had good social skills that were only professional, and didn’t come near her.

Yesterday was pretty weird. Not sucky, but weird. The meeting that we had at the end of the day was long and useless. The nice guy started the day crying because he is actively fighting with his girlfriend. I think that he is anxious attached and she is avoidant attached. I asked him, “Do you want to continue this back and forth? Do you feel like you’re on a rollercoaster?” He said that he didn’t know. I’m giving him the Levine and Heller book (2010) when I finish it. I beelined out of the building with the climber because the nice guy had a performance that he was in after we were done with work and was already gone. I felt imprisoned in the meeting and was watching, as I am sure everyone was, the climber fall asleep. She fell asleep a few times in the car too and was generally kind but a little disconnected. Again, I think she sleeps 3-4 hours many nights and then rolls into work. I’m not even sure that she’s aware that several times she was completely out cold and jerked her head up during the meeting.

Because I ran out, I’d left my cell next to my laptop. I had to drive all the way back to work. I can’t even fathom how many hours I was in the car. I’m lucky that I even got in. We are co-located with another program right now, so my fob reader didn’t work on the interior door. I found a guy who works in the other program sitting in his car while it was running and got him to let me in. I walked my dogs way past 6, couldn’t find parking at my friend’s Master’s of Fine Arts exhibition so I missed her photos and was so sad. I sent her a picture of me in front of the university art center and if she scrolled in, she’d see herself inside in the background of the picture. (I may bike up there this afternoon.) I went to the bar and ate sushi next door, which was beautiful but very mid. They had live music at the bar, so I paid the cover and the music was awful. (My son and I could do better.) I played one of the guitars for a little bit in the basement, and noted that I’ll do that again. Drank one beer and came home and read my two books. Again, not sucky, but full moon weird–gorgeous moon though.

I’m taking my son to work and going to hit the elliptical, grab groceries and get an adjustment. I don’t want to get in my car again after that. Yesterday was barfy like that, and I’ve already texted the fun girl who’s a BFF of the cardiologist and the other woman about not going dancing tonight. No more commutes in the car until I have to drive on Monday. I would like to also finish both books this weekend.

Image by Mollyroselee from Pixabay
by

Whatcha reading?

As my pinky heals, I am still having some trouble with sports. I talked to the OT at work yesterday who encouraged me to manually close the finger to my palm and then ice it. I’ll do that between bowling tonight. In the meantime, I am reading “Attached,” and also came across a blog this morning with the term “solo poly” in it and found a researcher and professor who wrote a book called “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Being a professor myself, I easily downloaded it. It’s fascinating. I wrote to my friend via text today and said that I am enjoying “Attached,” but it’s VERY straight and exclusive monogamy-based. Totally fine with me as I want to learn more about adult attachment, but I need to read it in tandem with something for sexual minorities. Back to that.

Image by Dariusz Sankowski from Pixabay
by

Easy Day

I only took one class yesterday and then biked from there to my main site. I saw two colleagues. One is a mother of a junior and I believe an 8th grader. Her older son played sports with mine for years. She said that they had a couple of classes together and I told her that he dropped out and then three months later re-enrolled in another school wherein he can be done with school in 9-weeks. She was surprised, but happy for me because I haven’t had good news about him for years really. I also saw the woman who helped him learn Spanish and she was so happy and positive. The lady that led the class on meditation and breathing with clients couldn’t get her Mac to mirror so I asked her to turn it off and on again and she’d never done that before. We got the technology working.

I was a little late leaving the class and was fiddling with my bag to bike from this site to my main site and I heard my name. It was the climber! I ran up the sidewalk and we embraced close and tight. Then we caught up a little bit. I thanked her again for talking to me about systems of attachment. As I’d written I knew only about Ainsworth’s work and it’s impact on adolescence. I told her about lunch with my friend who recommended “Attached,” and that I’d bring the article to her that I had printed by Fraley (2019). She complimented my hair and asked about it and I told her that I redid highlights and also my undercut. She was smiling and we were holding hands. It’s so funny–we just touch and find each other when we talk, and were rather brazenly holding hands and such in front of a meeting space for work. I asked her if she was free any nights this week and asked her to text me. I asked her if she’d shave mountains into my undercut. I’m not going to bug her about it, but I will ask her about it soon–maybe Friday. I no longer live with a barber. Like I have said, chemistry is a real thing. Hopefully, I’ll see her this week, and if not, I’ll call her soon or make plans on the 10th.

Speaking of barbers… My son had a wonderful conversation with his stepmom. I am so happy and he is over the moon. He said that a weight is lifted and that he didn’t care about what she and I went through as it had nothing to do with him. I told him that he was absolutely right. He is going to fly down there to see her and I think that is a great idea. I really think that he will graduate in May. I’m so glad to be here with him.

My Boss has a sister who I wrote a little bit about. One of her sisters is so hot. She’s a straight sister though. The other sister is the poly-artist, and I’ll get a name for her soon. I couldn’t meet her at her party because I left early to sing with a colleague. The nice guy from work said that he would go singing with my Boss and her poly sister soon. We’re going to go to the venue that I’ve only been to twice because if you go early, you can sing many, many times and I honestly am getting a lot better.

I have guitar class tonight and all the girls are straight, but I have to switch venues soon. I teach one night next fall and it conflicts with the venue that I go to–so we’ll see who takes the class another night. I bowl on Wednesday and do a walkthrough of the house with the photographer on Thursday. It won’t be weird to see her because I can really be professional with people. And she said that she wanted a friendship with me, but she doesn’t make plans with me, so I think that she’s simply my realtor who I know through my best friend.

I don’t have clients on Friday either. I commute only with the nice guy and the climber on Friday. My son only needs a ride three days and his Dad is driving him. This week ought to be pretty easy for me and I think that I’ll lay low socially and do some hiking on Sunday as the weather is going to be in the mid-70s. I’ll get my mail shredded too and my taxes paid with my credit card. I will probably have 5k in debt before I sell the house and some of it is because of paying my ex-wife, but without her support and help, I’d have no doctorate!

by

Memory

I did wind up hanging out with the doctoral group at the bar last night. I was the only one from our group who sang though. Energy was ok and I guess I’ll be a designated driver for the cardiologist’s friend next Saturday to go dancing. She is fun. She didn’t sing though, but was supportive to me. The nice guy came and stayed almost two hours and sang. He’s amazing. There is a nice blond woman who will be a friend to me too that came last night. The Social Butterfly came and was supportive. I sang two songs and did well with both.

I’m not going to write about karaoke this morning.

I had a dream about a pickleball tournament. You had to race sports cars to get to the tournament. I was in a blue one with my son and it was really difficult to drive. I was finally able to get it to the venue that also had a lodge. My son and I had some trouble deciding where to set up in the big room that we shared with other tournament contenders, but decided that there were so many windows that all spaces for the bed would be good. When we got out of the room, an orange compact Prius pulled up and my ex-wife was in the back of it and got out. Then her twin sisters got out and, finally, her mother. I knew that we’d have to hug and talk and was surprised, but ultimately neutral.

My ex-husband told me that dreams are downloads. I guess that is true, but there is meaning in them too. My ex-wife’s former neighbor at the condo that she bought dropped off some art that she had in her condo. My ex-wife was always redecorating, rearranging and reappropriating things from rooms. I didn’t get the door because I was in the basement and my colleague’s daughter was upstairs. I figured that my ex-wife was in town emptying her condo. I told my son that was likely the case and asked if he would like to see and call her. He called her right away when we were driving to the Post Office needing to weigh his returns to make sure that he didn’t need extra postage. She answered right away and said she wasn’t in town, but sold her condo and was getting out family heirlooms. He said that he would call her later and I think that they talked last night. I’m glad he’s in touch with her. She did a lot of parenting of him.

Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay

I had a good run of activities and socializing with my days off of work. I feel pretty solid about where I am going with my life and what I am doing with it. I have a busy morning. I think that I’ll wake up my son now and ask him to please clean the kitchen that he left a mess and walk the dogs with me. Then I’m going to make Trader Joe’s hashbrowns in the oven and some homemade chicken quesadillas. I’ll do my weight machines at the gym and he can get cleaned up. Then I’m going to my Boss’ birthday party and will do what I never do and that’s talk to all kinds of new people. I want to get some pre-arranged dates in the queue.

by

April Fool’s Day

The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:

I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.

I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.

I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:

“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.

My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.

My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.

I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!

Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!

by

Attachment

The last time that I saw the climber was March 13th and we kissed a whole bunch in my car after I asked for a hug. That weekend I read Fraley (2019) for an updated view of attachment. The article was very good, so I printed it for her, but she wasn’t at work on the 20th having had car trouble weekend climbing so I’ve not given it to her and am re-reading it in the printed form. I’ll give it to her next Friday.

What’s sticking out to me now, upon reading the article another time, is that primary attachment isn’t likely an adult thing. That makes a ton of sense to me too, as when toddlers who were characterized as avoidant or anxiously attached would have disruptions as adolescents given that they didn’t have a safe space at home when they were going through tumult. I agree. Several hours before my Mom died I told her again what a good Mom she was and that I wouldn’t be who I was without her parenting. Had my Dad been responsible for me solely, I’d be on drugs, a drunk or dead. My Mom would stay up late until I got home from work, she would keep dinner on “Keep Warm” in the oven when I got home in the dark at 7:30 after a difficult swim practice and sit there while I ate it talking to me about school and practice. I was attached to my Mom in a secure way. But, she didn’t stay my primary figure.

My friends are really important to me, and I’m attached to them as a source of support. I have four best friends. A guy from middle school, a woman who I used to work for in TX, my best friend from my first round of grad school, and my best friend here whom I see in person usually monthly are people who I can only see or talk to occasionally, but feel connected to anytime that we’re together. I can always eat and laugh with my best friend. We have a love of music. She will Pollyanna things though and also has a bit of the “silver-lining” it. I don’t give her full details of my plights, and rather just tell her where I am once I get there.

My best friend from grad school was the one who knew that I was going through problems with my ex-wife in the greatest detail. My ex-wife would get overwhelmed with the way that I argue and the general fire that my son spews and would move out all the time. Oddly, she wanted to live partially here and partially in AZ ongoing. When she met a man on the Internet and had him in the house while I was in ME and asked my son about it when he was going to his Dad’s and I couldn’t talk to her about how inappropriate that was–you can’t date at a park or coffee shop?–I said that we didn’t need to talk anymore. She saw nothing wrong about asking a kid about it and dating in our house while we were living together. I’m just paying her off right now. I’ll be completely done in either August or September. I told my best friend from grad school the whole story. She listened and said, “Wow” a lot. That’s all that I needed. I’m going to go see her in Germany in November. All this information to say that I don’t have a primary attachment figure and have several. Fraley (2019) summarizes research about adult attachment networks.

I have networks and am most interested now in consensual nonmonogamy, which is what the same article has detailed in the last section (Fraley, 2019). I want to treat lovers as I have friendships. I have so many friends. Because I moved 13 times before I turned 13 too I am adept at making new friends. I have also worked on being open. It was easier for me after I came out at 33. I can talk openly with anyone who I trust and am a good judge of character. The latter is probably an occupational hazard as I can read body language and also tone of voice better than most. I can easily tell who I should tell personal bits of information and who I should not. I don’t like to do what society tells me. I also believe that I can be completely in love with 2-3 women. Fraley (2019) that personal motivational factors can affect attachment. I am motivated to meet lots of women and also spend time with the climber when she wants to hang out with me. Stay tuned.

by

Try it again

I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:

You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.

I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.

I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.

My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.

It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.

My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.

I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!

by

Fill Line

Whew!

I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good.

Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum!

Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it.

Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Derrick was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

Image by yosoo ha from Pixabay

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

by

Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.

Image by tookapic from Pixabay
by

Social Butterfly

It took forever to get up to the lunch spot that the host picked. A pickup and some semis had a collision near one of the mountain passes so traffic accordioned back although the accident had been cleared. When I got there, Vegan was there! I was shocked. The host and her partner said, “Well, you pretty much have your doctorate.” So the rules are loose and you can bring friends. Check. No neuroscientist and no medical school director in attendance. Fairly nice lunch. The butterfly had hosted a Christmas Party recently and I said, “I thought that you said, ‘no more potlucks?'” She explained it was mostly outside our group, and then I learned that it was for an elite group within our group. I just said, “Gotcha. It was for people who you care about.” Lesbians can be incredibly exclusive. It makes everything difficult with dating for sure. Lunch was only slightly awkward, but the friend of the cardiologist who I’d met before at a beer garden happy hour and I talked a bit, and I finished her hashbrowns. I noted that I liked them both.

I talked a bit with Vegan. She’s a really good skier so on the downhills on the groomed snowshoeing trail, she got some speed and went down fast. I was talking with the cardiologist and her friend again, and helped the cardiologist get into her cross country skis by pushing the side of my gigantic snowshoe into the front of her ski and she got clipped in. (My snowshoes were given to me by my ex who just got a liver transplant, and she’s a hair under 6′, so they’re really too big for me, but I’m a minimalist amd won’t buy new snowshoes.) However, there was massive ice on the road between the trails, so the cardiologist fell and had to go back. Our group met up with them again on the downhill and I told the group, “I’m going back up with them because I drove all the way up here, and have barely hiked!” The cardiologist was faring much better in snowshoes! Great conversation and connection. I just love the cardiologist and her friend.

We got down to the bottom and were hanging out in a group–Vegan was gone because she had another obligation–and I told them about karaoke a couple of Thursdays ago. The host said that would be our next thing. It will be cool. I explained that things happen there like me kissing 30-year-old women so we need to keep things on the dl. Social butterfly was in costume and her snowshoes still, but everyone else was loosening up and getting beer samples. Then the cardiologist and her friend and I caravanned back to their hotel and spa and went to dinner. We had a wonderful time. I’ll make sure that I see them as often as they can make time to meet up with me. They included me and were genuinely interested in me. I had such a wonderful time yesterday and feel encouraged–so grateful that I’m even dealing with losing an hour this morning!

Image by Hans from Pixabay
by

First Day

I have a picture of him with his tiny fist pumping in the air, jumping off the stairs from the front of his school where he attended a full-day early childhood education program–like pre-kindergarten. Today is the first of 47-days. He is no longer a hobbit-sized tow-headed Energizer Bunny. He stood in his egress window smoking cigarettes on Sunday night until I woke up. He always shuts down and says, “Send me back to my Dad.” It took about an hour on Sunday night and he finally shifted. He said that he was petting our tortie in the basement and saw the shelf with all the books that I used to read him and teared up. He and I could go to family therapy twice a week. He doesn’t have an off-cycle. He’s defiant and often very rude. I just want him to finish high school. He hates it and needs to be done. Today feels like my first day too.

The climber did get sick. I don’t know if she has COVID. The nice guy who also commutes once a week with us does. I was disappointed to not get her all to myself in the car. That could only happen now in the afternoon one day or possibly May 22nd through early June. However, I must note that she said that we need to go back to our climbing spot two-weeks ago and directly invited me to the indoor ice climbing gym last Monday. She sent me pictures of her in a crack way up some giant sandstone formation and a sunset picture on Sunday when I sent her a small text re: I’ll pick you up and text when I leave my house at 7:20. We seem good. I want a get together though.

Vegan texted me yesterday. It said that she hoped that my week was off to a great start and that it was wonderful meeting up on Friday and having the introduction to Green Goddess dressing. I texted back that when she heals, I want to climb with her. She is accepting and will be a good climbing partner–just can’t kiss or hug her.

I’m not going to ever text GA again. If she comes to my city, I hope that she gets ahold of me. I would call her if my partner-in-prowl and I do a workshop in GA, but that’s it. I’ll get tall redhead’s number if I ever see her again. I’m excited for guitar class tonight. Spring is on it’s way; although it’s cold as shit. Today could mark the first day of the rest of my life.

Image by 👀 Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay
by

No chemistry

My initial impressions were correct. I like Vegan. She’s so cool. She’s full of forgiveness and acceptance. I can’t kiss Vegan and I didn’t hug her. She hugged me though. I stepped on the toe of her boot and put my leg back.

When I was making out with the climber in October–the very first time that we did–we did all kinds of kissing and such. It lasted over 3.5-hours. We had paused and I was running the tips of my fingers up her back and down the sides of her face. She asked me to do that more. I asked her, “I wonder why our teeth never hit?’ She said, “I think when we’re both riding skateboards, kissing while going down a hill, they will.” We both laughed, and kissed more. Chemistry is a real thing and you’ll never be able to get reductive and analyze all the factors behind it. She and I have it. Indoor ice climbing would have been very fun on Monday night. Damn pinky! All that being said, the nice guy got COVID and is out until Wednesday. I’m making making the climber coffee and bringing her milk and sugar. Just us in the car if it all works out!

Vegan and I talked about our marriages. It’s helpful to have her as a friend. Her marriage petered out. Mine was fraught with unpredictability wherein she’d move out or quit jobs.

My wife was like a beautiful and less violent version of my Dad. I have to be completely honest with myself that is either: 1) normal for me, or something that 2) I’m attracted to. I know that my ex-wife is beautiful. She’s tall and has a killer body. She lives 12-hours away with her mother and I don’t have to see her. I would have a lot of trouble when she’s in a normal mood cycle not touching her. Her shirt rode up the last time that we truly spoke in June and I ran my fingers lightly up her back over her incredibly faded tattoo of a character from “Moondreamers.” Not cool. We’d filed three-weeks earlier. Chemistry is real.

Regarding other redheads… If I run into the 5’9″ one again, I’ll kiss her. She seemed pretty cool. She goes out in a group with her friends occasionally.

I’m looking for partners and liaisons. The former would need to be women who are those with whom I have intimacy, and the latter would be those with whom I hang out with and don’t get completely naked. I can add some friends too.

by

Songs and Scams

From one of the best films of 1989:

“That’s not even a scam!”

“What’s a scam?’

“Going out as friends.”

“No, it’s not; a scam is lusting.”

[in unison] “Then what’s a date?”

“A date is prearrangement with the possibility for love.”

[whispering] “Then what is love?”

I adore Cameron Crowe. I believe with my whole body the dialogue that he writes and his actors execute. I think people 10-15 years younger than me tend to read currently my blog. First of all, thank you, as it curbs loneliness and secondly watch “Say Anything.”

I went out with the nice guy last night. His gf bailed as did his friend and one of his dance partners who was going to bring a friend. There was a young, hot redhead. I gave her a hug at the end of the night. The KJ was in training under the normal KJ and she didn’t have the balance of the music right, so I was pretty mid. It’s cool. I’ll probably just buy one of those karaoke machines for my house which is compatible with Spotify after I pay off my ex-wife. My God can he sing! He’s even on testosterone and nailed his song.

On the way home I told him that I want to have 2-3 partners. He said that then they all want to do stuff with you at the same time. I said, “Then don’t trip out. Make plans and follow through on those and be honest. I see this idea of mine as very different than dating. It’s an adventurer, someone to go to music venues with, and with whom to tool around, and another to look at art and go to dinner with. Everyone STD tests and discloses and I live my life as do the women.” He told me that I should talk to the climber who has a polyamorous commmunity. I said, “I don’t want to get set up. I’ll meet people organically. I have a scam tomorrow night.”

I went back to the bar, because he was too tired and I had to take him home. I hung out up front. I had given the bartender my copy of “Our Kids.” She wants to go into politics. She needs to read it. How is it that my generation will be the last homeowners? Millennials and Z will have to cohabitate and likely with several people to own. That’s fucked. I sang one more time and had to pay $10, hugged the redhead and went home.

I am scamming tonight. The Vegan and I are hitting the wine bar. I won’t order wine, because I have rules with alcohol and she stopped drinking. I have not touched her since October when I’d not seen her in months and we were both in a live training having texted during the virtual components. I did not hug her at the convention or at lunch. There is something uptight about her. She used to be sarcastic and she isn’t now nor does she tease in a sardonic way, but I think that I am too flawed for her. I slept with my Boss in 2007, and I don’t want an exclusive relationship. I’m still glad to have a scam tonight. I don’t think that it involves lusting and is simply going out as friends. Again, it’s social and curbs my loneliness. I’m a sexual or 1-1 variant via the Enneagram, so hanging with one person tends to be my comfort zone. I like the intensity of connection with a person and feeling energy of that person completely.

I am persnickety as fuck. I can’t bowl with a splinted finger. I sucked on Wednesday. I can’t sing when I can’t hear myself. I think that I need to gain more skill with being off my A-game!

by

Keepin’ on

I biked about 10-miles and some change on Sunday. I went to a very small lake in a park in our city and laid down. Before I did that I sent GA a text. Her name isn’t Georgia, but she lives there. I just don’t want to call her Rugby although she played it in college because that evokes a certain look and she’s really feminine. In fact, she’s the most feminine woman who has ever kissed me. I would’ve thought that she was straight actually. I laid down on the other side of a drainage ditch about 20-feet from the lake and closed my eyes. On the dormant grass I was in a windbreak, but it was roaring. I could only hear the seagulls calling and with the high wind it was like the ocean. I laid there for 10-minutes with the sun on my face. Gorgeous.

GA and I texted all afternoon into early evening. It was Q & A and really nice. It definitely cut the loneliness. On Thursday, Vegan texted me and asked if I could go to the restaurant with her. I’d told her that it had the best Green Goddess dressing that I had ever had when we had lunch two weeks ago. We had such a good time at lunch. We have dinner next Friday. I’m looking forward to it. I might like her. I’m not sure.

Today I was waiting for the nice guy from work to show up for our commute. I’m going with him and his girlfriend to karaoke next Thursday. I texted him that it was no rush, but I was wondering and he said minutes later that the climber had just picked him up. They finally got to my house and we went to work. She sat in the back, and was pleasant and more open than she’d been last Monday.

I worked and was doing massive amounts of paperwork and finally went to warm up part of my lunch. I didn’t want to go back to my office. I’ve been so lonely. I peeked into her office and said, “Are you busy?” She said she wasn’t. I said, “I don’t want to eat alone, may I eat in your office?” She said that I could. We had a really nice conversation. She laughed a lot, blushed a little and I found out that although she nor her ex are neither satisfied with the terms that mediation is done and she’s glad it’s over. She also said it’s getting warmer so we need to go back to the spot where we climbed in October. It was a nice ride home and I told her commuting partner that she was getting shotgun. We all chatted and joked and such. Balanced car trip back to my driveway where her car was parked, and then we all said, “See you Monday.” It was so much nicer than it’s been.

I’m going to send GA a picture of me tomorrow. The one that I’d sent her with my fall kickball team is ok, but I look too skinny, so I’m sending one tomorrow. I’ll watch my son’s team play and then lift weights and my son can get a good picture of me. I would love to see her again. It would be possible at the end of next month, but I’m being calm and cool.

I was pretty sad this week given the injury. I can type now, but I can still feel where the fracture is. It’s also very purple at the top joint. I have to bowl on Wednesday, so I’ll have to get creative with taping or really bandage it. I decided to play kickball on the old league and bowl for this gay league. I think that’s the safest sports with young, huge men.

I guess these girls don’t look masculine. One could be GA before she puts on her makeup and fixes her hair.
by

Little Updates

I think that the fracture was mostly at the top joint. There is a smaller one down the side. It’s healing though which is good. It’s almost a week. At 6:30 tonight, it will be just that–one week. I’m not going too nuts. I don’t love not being able to plank, but I’m not completely crazy.

It’s the third one that I have broken. When I graduated with my two Bachelor’s in 1997, my left ring finger was taped to my pinky on a tongue depressor. I caught a basketball pass incorrectly playing pickup three-on-three. It looks funny wherein I am shaking the President’s hand with my other hand injured in my cap and gown picture. Then in 2015 or 16 my dog ran one way while I was picking up my wife’s (ex now) dog’s poop and she snapped my right ring finger. Three fingers, so I know and don’t need to do the $60 co-pay. I’ll rehab it too. Our new Occupational Therapist at my main site is so cool, so I’ll ask her about it when I start doing hand strengthening.

I am not going to stay with this league. I paid for March and April for the old one. I had fun in the summer kickball and really these huge men are a bit strong for me to hang–especially in dodgeball. I also don’t like this team manager. She’s rude and kinda stuck up. I’m going back to what I knew. I played on a Meet Up kickball league about 10-years-ago and there was one guy who pitched as hard as he could. I blew my quad kicking it.

I have to expect that playing sports causes injuries. I just want to be a little more circumspect. I do want to keep playing rec sports though.

I have been walking and biking. It’s a little difficult to bike over bumps because of my pinky and pain, but I’m getting it done. I had fun at the Mardi Gras party that I went to last night, and am looking forward to seeing my teammates and my colleague tonight at the cowboy bar. I’m being social and as active as I can injured. I also have practiced guitar three times. I think that I’m doing as well as I can. I hope that my son can stop lying about vaping, and have told him–as I caught him again–that it was the last time that is happening in the house if he wants to live here. We’ll see. It’s nice again, so I’m going to add to my biking right now. Hopefully, I will meet a nice woman tonight. I’m super behind on that goal.

  1. Calm and cool – Absolutely
  2. Spend less – Moderate progress as the convention and being away from my house set me back
  3. Do you – yep, and helping others
  4. Lift like a girl – damn pinky; another setback
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption – check! Only three over the course of 4.5 hours with massive amounts of food at the Mardi Gras Party
  6. Get big – I am bigger, but have a small injury setback currently. Thursday – now: 30,058 steps & 13 miles cycling
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart – Check
  8. Sing – Check
  9. Play guitar – Moderate progress
by

Feeling really good

My son’s best friend since probably about 4th grade was here last night. I was so peopled out that I had to escape: wash my car, find the cat litter that is difficult to find, get some vegetables, etc. because I didn’t want to catch up with his Mom for an hour or sometimes more. She had her daughter at 17, and so she’s much younger than I am. We don’t have a thing in common. Actually, now that I think about it, she’s probably the same age as the climber. I didn’t want to talk though because I talked with people all week. Originally, my son’s best friend was going to come and go. I thought that he was driving and he is licensed; although my own son is three-months older than he is, but his Mom didn’t want him driving so far. His family moved counties when my son was in 6th grade and he’s known him since 1st. They were laughing and my son was showing him the guitar that I rented for my son and they were having a great time. Hearing my son laugh was so great. I can make him laugh a little, but he’s not generous with laughter. I know it’s part of the depression that he deals with as well. His best friend stayed the night. I made southern chicken sandwiches, sweet potato fries and a monstrous salad. I left it out and will eat it tonight before dodgeball.

I also got three rounds of rapid eye movement. I can remember three rounds of dreams. I feel so, so good. It also was nice on Friday night to get hit on. And not by a man! By a super young, blond, blue-eyed, very feminine, ex-Rugby player with a slight southern accent. Fun. I actually looked terrible Friday night and didn’t have on one bit of makeup. I also never would have approached her to talk, because I was just chillin’ in the gay bar, which is something that I like to do. I’ve known the owner for 15-years and talked to her as well. It’s where I prowl with my friend.

Speaking of which, I need to work through more modules to update one of my trainings. It’s probably 5-10 hours of content. I’m motivated to do it though because the particular training is such a good one. These other two workshops can be a little dry. I need to really get familiar with the content so I can bring my charm. I can’t dance. However, I would say that I’m one of the best public speakers period. My partner-in-prowl has done these workshops probably more than I have. I’ve probably given about 3-6 times via the one that I’ve been endorsed in for the last 8-years, and have given close to 20 in the one that I like. During convention, I got a new one and am a virgin for it. It’s actually called “Provisional.” We should look for places to train in which there is hiking and pretty women.

That’s it! I just feel so good and hopeful. I know that I’m going to meet lots of new women.

I was surprised not to meet any at the convention, but the one night that a vendor had drinks and food was the one in which our old friend had chosen for a dinner out. It’s ok, she lives in CA now where she was born and without her I’d never have met my best friend. I also was intrigued by the best flatiron steak I’ve ever had. I have a couple, so I’m going to read a bunch of tips before I cook it. I make good steak, but this one was like butter. I need to look up some tips before I make my own. I just thought that the convention would be a good place to meet women, but it was more a time for reconnecting with students whom I’ve taught.

I took a 10-mile bike ride yesterday because it was 63-degrees. There is still a lot of ice on trails, but my bike to work route is nearly clear. I can do it in rush hour and will do it Tuesday through Thursday. I feel like I want to bike 30-miles a week to make up for all the commuting that I missed from snow-poc-alypse. I love cycling and tooling around on my bike.

I don’t work Friday or Monday. Friday I’ll have to deal with my parent’s estate and we do have family therapy. I want to talk about goals and rewards for doing work and connecting with teachers rather than leaving campus at lunch and getting high in the parking lot. I texted his godparents to help me. I didn’t want to be a downer during our climbing class in January, so they didn’t know that he dropped out. I wish my son’s Dad was a little more inspiring for my son. It was odd, but my son said last week, “I’d never marry a woman like you. It would be like marrying myself and I would be so angry all the time.” It’s odd because I don’t think that we’re similar. I’m super active and hardworking. I’m not sure what he meant. I’m going to ask what he meant in family therapy. As I was finishing this entry, his godparents were texting me back and they’re going to support me and him. I’m a lucky person.

by

More loose ends

I process things pretty slow. I’m also long-suffering. Those qualities do not make for a good match in exclusive partnership. Anyway, as I write all of the time as I’ve been doing since last November these features have made me want independence, and to love and enjoy others in specific places and times. I won’t live with someone again until I am in my 80s and need some help from someone younger who I pay with whom I have a business relationship. I will not remarry. I think that monogamy works for a handful of people. I have not been exposed to a marriage that I thought was working for both people in my sphere. I know that they exist, but it always seems like massive sacrifices are made by one person more than the other when I know both people. That is where I am.

I had talked to my ex who is dying slowly on January 21st and was on car adapter through speakers with her and her wife. The conversation was bizarre. It spanned medical procedures and the new cars that they’re thinking about buying. It made sense finally to me why she reconciled with her wife. I guess she was broadcasting their business on Facebook, and talking about their fights and possible divorce. I don’t get on Facebook unless someone tells me that I have to log in: eg. pickleball dues or a post that they need me to address. Didn’t ask how I was. Didn’t inquire about my son who she always says that she adores. I get she’s on a transplant list. I knew all the stuff that had happened via text when I donated to her Go Fund Me. I don’t like cars. I bought a sport utility vehicle in 2008 and still drive it. It was two-years-old. I repair it and put parts in it. I’m not going to hustle down there. I’ll go see them when it’s necessary.

I have a sinus infection. I guess what is going around is bacterial. I’m NOT getting antibiotics. Work was difficult, but definitely not impossible. And then I bought everything and took it for the first time last night, and I slept through the night except to blow my noise once and my throat is good. One night of vitamins and such. I always have Kickass Immune and EmergenC, and still have a little bit of the Chinese herbs that my ex-mother-in-law used to send, but I needed to add these until I felt cessation in sinus pressure and a sore throat:

I COVID tested negative–again–why don’t I get COVID? I have to be careful with zinc. It sends to nauseate me or make me throw up. I think that the sources on the left were more water soluble so it was fine. I also made mushroom risotto, chicken cutlets with panko and kale chips in the oven last night, so I was pretty full when I took these zinc.

I didn’t see the photographer at the art performance. She texted me the next day and said that she was texting with the woman who I was able to sit with–and her boyfriend and a lesbian couple. She said that she was sad not to run into me. So, I’ve texted with her a little bit about the sale of house this summer. I don’t actually want to hike or cycle with her. I want a professional relationship. I saw a few pictures of her recently and didn’t find her attractive. At the beginning of April, we’ll do a walkthrough pending the late afternoon that works for the tenants who pay bills there. I’m not hugging her and will bring my son if I can make it work with his schedule. He’s a good buffer. He’s also very good looking, so he distracts people.

He’s going back to high school. Not his high school, but one in which he can blend online and in person classes. He told me last night that he wants mostly in person classes. I don’t care, and am glad he’ll have a diploma instead of a GED. There still is some stigma. In his case, it’s truly being lazy. I have to hire a driver. Uber and Lyft have too broad a window, and I want him to be on time. He can take the city bus home. His Dad can take him once a week, and I can take him once a week. Hopefully, it won’t be as expensive as his out-of-pocket therapy that ended a week ago was. He has to go to school nine weeks only–not a year-and-a-half. They’ll get his schedule done on Monday. His personal essay for the application said that in 6th grade the friends that he had controlled him rather than knew him, and that COVID killed all his motivation for school. I wonder who else has a student like my son?

I have to study today and also read. I have a training of trainers event on Tuesday and Wednesday and work on Monday and have convention things all day on Thursday and Friday. There is a corporate sponsored party on Tuesday night as well. Maybe I should have my son stay at our house and I should stay in the hotel with an old friend? No, I won’t sleep well and that seems a little bit 20-something. Regardless, I’m excited for the convention.

by

Other topics

I was in our group consultation via videoconference for a new modality that I’m hoping to receive certification, and got a text from a woman who is recently divorced who was in the consultation with me. I know her through an intern that I supervised in 2011-2012. She is really sarcastic, and an angry vegan. Do you know what an angry vegan is? They make it their entire identity. However, she’s a newer climber and probably way better than me, but she texted that she’s getting on the wall this next week, so we’re going to go climbing. Attraction to her would never grow, but I am so glad to have someone that I can belay and watch so I can go up routes. That is something that I’ve mentioned helps me to get up a route. Also, now I’ll have to learn the gris gris.

I went to the art show. It was really cool. I was sleepy though so a little encumbered. A man asked if he could join me at the standing table and he was fun to talk to, but I knew after he returned with a another drink that he’d ask more questions about me and it would become a thing. Fortunately, a woman who also sings with my best friend was sitting down with her boyfriend and a couple of lesbians and had an open seat. Why are men hitting on me all the time now? I think that I’m going to have a samurai ponytail when I go out in mixed company to expose my undercut–particularly when I’m in a dress and heels. My boss bought me a drink, but it was our domestic version of an IPA, and their products give me headaches. I do better with small batch and microbrews. The concert and native dancing was phenomenal. I went through a drive through and got a grass-fed hamburger and chili cheese fries. I’m not a vegan, and don’t think that I’m angry.

I slept well three nights this week. I have a sweet spot of understanding. When my mood is semi-hideous, I need to stay up later than usual. So, I’ll do planks, stretching and a short meditation. I need to see that now that I don’t pay for Amazon music if I can still get a listen for a 2-7 minute program that was simple and really good. I’ve not found something comparable on Spotify. If anyone has a recommendation for what I could listen to in my Pixel buds while planking and then stretching, please comment or email me here.

My son is still lying. He’s only taken the GED Math Practice test. That means that I have to endure the wrath today while he takes Language Arts and do the same pattern before dodgeball tomorrow for either Science or Social Studies. I will buy him something for his future guitar if he takes the final one on Monday while I’m at work. He also talked to his ex-girlfriend for hours last night and was going to get back with her. Mind you after she blew up his other ex-girlfriend’s Dad’s birthday party he was “never speaking to her again.” I need to help him with a friendship with her. She can’t come to our house anymore under the guise of friendship though. She’s a sweet kid, but beyond manipulative and really unhealthy mentally and physically.

I’m prowling tonight. At 8, I am dropping off my son at his Dad’s apartment. I am packing gloves and his big down jacket so he can walk home. It won’t get even near the freezing mark for two-days given La Niña. I’m going to work with him today and watching his team play and then I’m going to use the machines and make sure that he does cardio. He skipped Monday, because he has a cold. He caught a cold because he vapes and is overweight and has shitty sleep hygiene. That latter is post-COVID and hasn’t shifted. When he was an athlete he slept 7-13 hours. The latter was after a weekend of sometimes 11 basketball games.

There are some really cute ladies on the other dodgeball teams. I need to get close to them to make sure that they’re in their mid-thirties. I just can’t be serious about conversations with anyone under 35. It makes me feel like I’m chilling with a high school-aged client and that is super creepy and skeeves me out completely.

I had a weird dream about my ex-wife Thursday night. I can’t remember it now and had to be at work super early all week and worked to nearly five after being there at seven-fifteen on Friday. If I have a dream that I want to reconsider, I write it down my hand while still in bed, but had to work too much this week, so I don’t remember it.

My lead at my main site likes to schedule complicated meetings all in one week. It makes my life and another specialist’s life hellish. She also is a little simple. The other specialist said something that caused me to laugh until I cried and I could no longer stand. Our lead doesn’t read very well or pronounce things well, and also has a tendency to suddenly not understand legal procedures for some complicated meetings. It’s an odd presentation. Likely induced by stress. Anyway, the other specialist who was incidentally my pickleball partner last fall was talking about some procedures and our manager being confused and she said, “It’s just exhausting. I can’t keep up with all the fucking stupidity.” I told her that I was glad that I wasn’t wearing eye makeup because I would have had it everywhere, and I also had lung butter for the better portion of the day from laughing so hard after she said that. It went in my 2023 quotations cell phone file. Also, in there is, “Would you ever date _____? She does all that white people shit.”

My colleagues keep me sane. I’m really lucky. I make good money and love so many of them.