Tag Archives: Life

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No agenda

I wrote to the girl from church yesterday and did so, as I wrote, more for myself than anything else.  I had no agenda doing it, but rather wanted her to know about what really was bad timing on our part.  We had a nice first date.  We talked fairly easily and were good just walking loops around the park–I think that total we spent about three-hours together, which is a long first date.  I think that it was easier because she and I had seen each other and also sat together several times.

I told her the truth.  I explained that ours was definitely a favorite of my first dates, and I have had LOTS of dates.  I also explained that my ex came down the following week, and then I found myself back in the same pattern, but after two months, I realized that I was the one who had changed and she hadn’t.  I told her that I don’t desire a friendship with her, but on the off-chance that we would run into each other, I’d like to be civil.  About five-years ago, I told a friend, “There are twelve lesbians in ______ , and they all talk.”  I repeated that for sometime, and then just decided to increase the number each time someone said, “______ , there are more than that!”  I’m only up to 51.  This is a cliquey and small community.

I still don’t know if she’ll go out with me.  She seems to hang with the fifty-ish women from church.  But, honestly, I always call it the Church O’ Boyz.  There just aren’t many women there period.  Also, she has had tons of stress as of late because she has been unable to find employment, and belongs to the “no expectations, no disappointments” school.  I don’t go there.  I have hope and trust in my journey and know that it leads me exactly where I need to be everyday.

My cold is better.  I did wake up very early coughing, but rested in bed for a few and now am typing.  I have the coolest thing in the world right now, but haven’t turned it on yet this morning.  It’s a little wireless speaker with a BIG sound.  I stream Pandora from my phone on Bluetooth and have music nearly throughout my house.  It’s even better than those Bose systems and was a fifth of the price.  I want one more speaker so I can always have music everywhere in my 50s ranch.  I don’t have carpet upstairs so the hardwoods help carry sound.  I love it.  I’m a music freak.

All is quiet on the ex front.  Yay.  I think that it helps to write an answer to a question in the subject of an email and then attach only a link in the body.  That is my comfort zone.  Hey, I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and have zero compassion, so might as well be that way.  Speaking of which, I have to tell one of my best friends that I don’t want her to move in in June.  Yikes.  It would ruin our friendship.  I’m taking her for grass-fed burgers and brews tonight.  There is live music too if I can stay up.  That gets really hard for me when I have two beers and I have not been able to exercise.  I just have to be honest with her; although, I do know that she needs to decrease her bills by $300.

Seems like I’m being honest with everyone.  Good path, that.  I honestly have thought a lot about the way that the girl from church pulled me closer to her so our abdomens were pressed together when we embraced after our date in August.  She grabbed my arm too and ran her hand down it.  I’m bigger now than I was in the summer too, so she may want to do that again.  Also, sometimes she has played with my hair in church.  I am going early today, but when I do see her again at a later service, I’m going to flirt.  Hell, I’m single.

I wonder if there will be some nice girls at the 5Ks in April.  Who knows?  However, I draw the line at on-line shit.  I had a couple of girls from there in 2008 – 09, but they were not women that I would have ever organically run into, so.  One was a cowgirl who lived in a neighboring state.  She was awesome in bed, but not a great kisser.  The other one was a damn Gemini who did all the back and forth mindfuck stuff.  I let that one completely go and then three-months later she wanted to do a summit with me.  WTF?  Sounds like Bette though.  Hmm…

I know that she is out there.  I’d love to go to dinner with the girl from church, but the ball is in her court given that when we had a date, I was like a cautionary tale.  I apologized for that, and told her that I wish her peace, prosperity, and a path to her ONE.

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S squared

That is kind of an inside joke too, because I have had two girls with the EXACT same initials as each other; although I dated them 4-years apart.  They both liked “squaring” their names too.  Anyway, I woke up on Friday morning before 1 and my throat was completely on fire.  It made working very difficult yesterday.  I don’t like working sick, but I had specific duties yesterday so couldn’t have missed barring a bone break or the like.

I can’t go to Boot Camp this morning, because I’m still sore in the throat, and my chest hurts.  I’m way better though and went back to sleep this morning and slept until 7.  I feel like a different person in comparison to last night though.  This pattern happened last right before my two-week vacation in December.  I was sicker than hell that Friday night and got better by sleeping a ton.  I was soooo sick.  I did the same thing as now and that was get a ton of sleep to rid myself of it.  I had just a week earlier told my ex that I couldn’t approximate dating with her back in December…  It was a week before this winter started.

The second s is snow!  It’s doing it again.  I’m so glad.  If it would do it once a week through mid-April, we could get some water into our reservoirs.  I’m just going to hope for that.  I don’t want my climbing season to be shitty.  I don’t want to look west and see smoke and have the hills and mountains be obscured.  I know that is the natural cycle of things, but I want to raise my son where we have real seasons and definitely this beautiful snow.  Yay.

She texted me twice yesterday.  I didn’t text her back, but when I got done with clients, I found the original article that I had read which gave her the answer to one of the texts that she had sent.  I wrote the word (answer) in the subject line and attached the article link.  We are NOT BFF.  There are so many reasons for that too, which I shall list here:

  1. We didn’t work as partners because she criticizes and controls
  2. I have TONS of friends who I simply have a good “show-up” factor in terms of our relationships
  3. I don’t want to drive up there.  The peak that she lives next to is not one that I ever want to climb, and there are PLENTY of places to snowshoe here
  4. When I talk to her, there is very little joy that is emitted from her…  She may laugh once or twice, but is really serious
  5. I can’t think of anything that she complained about me that wasn’t something that she was, in fact, doing
  6. My son doesn’t miss her, but misses her son
  7. She would benefit from finding peace, but tranquility is not typically found in interactions with your ex
  8. We don’t see the demise of our relationship in the same way
  9. We don’t find the same types of people fascinating, and her friends are not very funny less the girl who introduced us
  10. She didn’t love me enough to learn strategies to resolve conflicts, alternate driving, or do something on a date that I thought of or planned

So, no thanks.  We are cool, but we are not friends.  We don’t have interactions with people in the same way, and I seek happiness, laughter, and connection.  I don’t feel happy around her, and I’m no longer connected to her.  My shrink said it’s because she gets scared, but I don’t intimidate or compete with others, so I’m not the scary one frankly.

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Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?