Tag Archives: Learning

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Doing it safely

About 15-years-ago I took my horrible, hand-me-down Mountain Bike up a single track. I’m sure that my bike was cutting edge in the 90s, but it was so heavy and had broken pieces up near the brakes and was archaic for 2008. I was doing pretty well for awhile, and then I fell forward onto the frame. Ouch. I know that I’m not male, but was really bruised afterward. That was my last experience mountain biking.

Today, I am taking a class to learn how to do it safely. I peeled potatoes and put them in some hot olive oil in the cast iron with sea salt and am going to mosey in just under a couple of hours after I eat some of those, and a couple of eggs. The class is really close to the private crag wherein I had my very first time on real rock in September for climbing.

I still hope that Maryland will secure a friendship with me. My son told me that all men just wait until they can make moves for the most part unless they think of you like a sister. I’m going to tell Maryland to think about me as an older sister. He truly is the age that my little brother would be had he not died when we all got hit by the drunk driver when we were walking up to the park. I would like Maryland to do some outdoor stuff with me. I love having male friends.

My best friend from work is doing the divorced wild stuff. I did that stuff when I came out. I’m sure that she is using barriers because she worries actively about STIs. I sent her a book chapter in PDF form yesterday because she has trouble communicating needs with intimacy. I can’t imagine that. Why bother having sex with another person if you’re not going to talk directly about what you like?

My son is at my cousin’s this weekend to care for their dog, and the realtor–who unfortunately I’m still a little attracted to–was supposed to come over for dinner with my son and I on Sunday, but I’m cancelling because the contractors are about to get fired. I don’t want that to color a dinner at our house, as that is what we’ll talk about.

That is a whole other blog entry. The attraction isn’t. I don’t touch the realtor or act or text anything flirtatious. She wants a friendship with me and we can build that cleanly. I think that attraction fades when you don’t act on it or expect that you’ll get your chance someday.

I’ll write about the mountain biking class on Sunday or Monday.

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Boundaries

I used to say yes all the time when offered extra work. There isn’t any way that I’ll do that anymore. They’d like me to teach the crisis intervention class on the main campus of the university. I had asked weeks ago via email if I could get a hotel room three Saturdays and he just didn’t answer. I saw him yesterday in the lines for students getting ready to walk to the stage in their robes with their specialist hoods on, and he said, “Yeah, I don’t think that we’ll be able to do that.” No email. No response until I directly asked him yesterday at graduation. I said, “Well, I think that you’ll have to get someone else to teach it. It took me an hour and fifty-minutes to get up here.” I know it wouldn’t take me that long on a Saturday and Sunday, but why? A half tank of gas and my hips getting stiff three times for $2,600? No way.

I’ve known this Dean for 26-years. We were ships passing in the night until I took a class when I first entertained a doctorate in 2003. When I got my first graduate degree she was a professor there and left right before I started, but I knew her. Then she went to two different universities before directing the program that I just finished coordinating. Recently, she was promoted to Dean. Her successor isn’t half as professional as she is with respect to consistency in contact, answering emails, and being able to get ahold of readily. I’ll teach the internship class as long as they need me to because it’s a really low lift and I don’t have to go anywhere. I don’t mind Zooming because there isn’t any content to speak of; you answer questions and lead supervision. Videoconferencing for hours in a training or with lecture is terrible. The software wasn’t made for that!

I actually didn’t stay. It was cold and and windy and I didn’t want to be in the bleachers. I would have had to order months ago and really advocate for my doctoral robe and cords and stuff. I never did walk when I got my doctorate because my final defense was a week before the first day of fall in 2014 and by the time May of 2015 rolled around, I was already working in higher ed and doing my post-doc. Maybe someday I’ll participate as faculty in my robe for graduation. However, it was really nice to see all of them. Three weren’t there. I texted them and one said that she is buying me beers and we’re connecting about our field soon! They were a special cohort to coordinate. They had to learn intelligence and cognitive testing in fishbowl masked watching me test my neighbor’s kids. They practiced on each other or on friends to try to learn instruments. In the height of COVID parents didn’t let their students volunteer for anything. People were dying.

Mother’s Day is fucking me up this year. It didn’t last year, and it is this year. I miss my Mom and have been so teary all the time. I didn’t cry yesterday at graduation, and wouldn’t have had I stayed, but I am heavy and sad. I probably should talk to someone about it, but now I bowl on Wednesdays so I can’t go to group on the 17th. Actually, like many things, just writing about it is helping.

I dreamt on Wednesday night that the climber was laying on my back while I was facing away from her in a chair. She’d done that in March I think. I’m pretty sure it was before we kissed last–maybe it was February. However, in the dream we would up laying together and she was holding my hands which started to sweat and we were moving our hands together and she laid on my back. It wasn’t erotic, but definitely sexual and sensual. I like the way that she feels against me in life too. I texted her Thursday, “I dreamed about you last night.” I didn’t get a response, but I wanted to be vulnerable. Again, boundaries–I control me. I don’t know if we will wind up doing anything soon. She has said three times that we need to climb after work, and then she has missed at least two Mondays. In fact, she has missed a day or two of work for many months now. She misses a lot of work. I don’t. I think showing up no matter what and not taking mental health days is also a boundary for me.

My son has prom. I guess I’ll go to the bar tonight. I’ll only get to sing once because of the weird way that she does the rotation, but that is fine. I may stay awhile. We go to the good venue with my Boss, her sister and some of her sister’s friends on the 13th. There is no way that the owners will be at a basketball game on a Saturday! I’m excited for the 13th. My boss’ sister teaches classes in BDSM nationwide and internationally. That isn’t my thing, but she’s poly and has a huge scene. I’m looking for mentors. Three days after that on what would have been my Mom’s 74th birthday, I meet the group members–ones who are doing this event anyway–at another karaoke venue who are also poly. I’m not putting energy out to date, but want to be around other people who have lived in this world. I’ve had experiences with it, but not recent ones, and never was in a community.

Chop wood; carry water. It’s time to put on running pants, a sports bra, and a wicking shirt and walk my dogs! Happy Saturday.

Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay
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New one: Fosse (2021)

I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).

I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.

For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.

“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂

I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.

Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.

The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.

I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.

Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.

A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!

“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.

Image by iqbal nuril anwar from Pixabay
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My mistaken quad

In the execution of my life, which is slow processing, I realized yesterday that I had a quad before and it was full of missteps. My best friend had a belated birthday party Friday night. I talked with a clinical psychologist about where I am. Then she told me something that only her husband and daughters know. She had been exclusively with women her whole life. The sole man that she has slept with is her current husband with whom she’s very much in love. She told me, “I really like your life plan.” I also talked with my best friend’s singing partner’s partner at length as well. She had an open marriage and was deep in the kink scene. I’ll bet that she knows my Boss’ sister! Small world, and it got my wheels of the past turning.

My college girlfriend was heteroflexible. So, I’ll be her only woman; although, she does find women beautiful. I was pretty uncomfortable with my sexuality until I was 33, so our relationship was pretty one-way sexually speaking. I introduced her to a boy that I went to high school with and they carried on a distance relationship with visits and such. I don’t know why it didn’t make me jealous. When she began sleeping with a guy who had roomed across the hall from the guy who became my husband, I got crazy. I wrote her letters and told her that cheating on my high school classmate was wrong. Was it? No, she was falling in love with this guy with whom she’s been in a long-term marriage for probably 23 or 24-years now.

The whole thing is dishonest. We were in a quad for at least 6-months, and only she and I knew about it. So, I was cheating too because my high school classmate didn’t know. I slept with my future husband, and then that ended our quad.

I’m on pg. 227 in Sheff (2013) and people do this kind of thing all the time. I won’t again. When I get into a triad or quad, it will be an open and honest union. I think that ethical and consensual non-monogamy should involve straightforward talk about what everyone needs. I think that looking back, the men would have freaked out completely had they known that I was sleeping with her for years. We were too young to navigate polyamory. I’m glad that I have had two experiences with it though as I venture out into new partnerships.

I was worthless yesterday. My son has a dog and cat sitting gig and busted into the house a bit before 7 yesterday and disturbed my REM cycle. I didn’t do much at all. This morning, I have already deep cleaned litter boxes, have burritos in the oven, am drinking coffee and have my laundry downstairs. I lift today at the gym. I’ll get more of the litter which is difficult to find on my way home. I sing tomorrow with two colleagues and the nice guy at the good venue. I’m hosting an open house for dinner and music on Thursday, and will invite the nice guy and his gf, the climber and her sister who’s visiting in addition to any other member of her household, and my best friend is a definite yes. My best friend’s singing partner is coming and her partner who used to have an open marriage is coming late. Therefore, the house needs to be addressed today and I need to do some yard work! I’ll write on Friday unless something that I need to process occurs.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay
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Vees

So, I’m on page 126 in the Sheff (2013) book and thinking about my past relationship with the woman who got a transplant recently as well as thinking about what I’ll never do again. It probably helps to review, but if you’re interested in the slightest, please read “Waiting or Dying.”

When I met her, I just wanted to hook-up and we did that for a couple of months. Then she pared down lovers and it was me and one other woman. We were eventually a vee. I knew about it with a great level of detail, and the other woman knew little about me. One time she had texted me, “Do you have earrings with _____?” I can’t remember what she texted. I texted back, “My ears aren’t pierced.” And she had texted something to the effect that she knew that I “could handle her asking about the earrings.” By that time, I don’t think that she was having sex with anyone but me and one other woman. We were a de facto vee after my girlfriend couldn’t manage her “kid in the candy store” stage. I was so busy with a preschooler that I could just sleep with her every other weekend.

I don’t want that ever again. The other woman was insanely jealous of me, and when my girlfriend moved, I was just glad that she was 6 states away. I wasn’t ever jealous. After she pursued me because the other woman was out of the picture, I couldn’t let go of that she really didn’t ever choose me. Being exclusive with me was an extension of her pervasive complacency. Our foundation was built on nothing, and we ended with nothing. How you start out does matter.

I don’t want to have or be a primary partner. I want an honest rotation. A quad would be ideal. I understand that the network would be complex, and I have no need to know much about any of the women in my partners’ networks. I would be fine if my partners wanted to zoom, phone or have a quick meeting, but that would not be something that I’d want. I just want a clean STI test and I’ll give one too before intimacy.

I would still like to hold hands, snuggle and kiss whoever I want to, and think that works fine too. If someone in my quad wants to sleep with an entire network that is totally fine with me too, and I know that I could manage around three significant relationships. Again, when there is time in between having sex, I won’t have sex with a woman until I see a newly dated STI document.

I don’t want weird jealousy ever again. I don’t want to ever listen to someone bitch about a woman in her network either.

We live way past 25 now. In some cases, a relationship can last forever and be very good. People dynamically grow and change together. Otherwise, I think that we’re meant to have many relationships. I personally want to have safe, honest, and relationships built on emotional intimacy. And like my friendships, I want to have many.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
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Personal Attachment

I have just come to parts of the Heller and Levine (2010) book that are resonating with me and also are guiding me to my own attachment work that I need to do.

I just read

“[A]n entire mosaic of factors comes together to create this attachment pattern: our early connections with our parents, our genes and also something else–our romantic experiences as adults” (p. 140).”

  • I had a loving, supportive, and completely attentive mother
  • I have always been able to talk to people openly and that has grown even more since I’ve come out (2007)
  • I have been independent and pragmatic my whole life
  • I have had few intimate partners for my age: 9 total; and I can list what I learned in those relationships

The authors also give some advice that I’ve followed as the secure base in the partnership: availability, lack of interference and encouragement. I will make sure that with liaisons and also partnerships that I have concurrently that I focus on my leading with these factors.

Like other authors who I’ve enjoyed, there are vignettes in this book and one sounds just like my ex-wife. This character, Shelley, throws tantrums, threatens to leave, and has online affairs. The latter weren’t affairs, but rather being glued to her phone all the time and joining and leaving support groups or being consumed by fighting with colleagues and chained to her emails. Shelley threatens to leave all the time and doesn’t finally leave until she’s “met someone else” and leaves the marriage (Heller & Levine, 2010). Nathan can’t understand why he put up with this treatment for so long, but the authors offer explanation:

“Secure people are likely to offer relatively benign explanations of their partners’ hurtful actions and be inclined to forgive their partner”

from Mikulincer and Shaver via Heller & Levine, 2010, p. 147

That’s what I did when she would be volatile. She’d move in with her sister. She’d look at apartments. She’d live with her Mom for a couple months. Finally, she bought a condo and showered there and spent increasing hours there; sleeping at our house a couple nights a week until she got a tenant. After she got a tenant, she was here, but not really here. She’d space out when I talked for more than one sentence and then snap back and say, “Sorry, what were you saying?”

I simply don’t look back now. I’m so glad that she’s gone and in two short months, I’ve not seen or spoken to her for a year. My attachment work is making sure that I am still a consistent base for my partners and also liaisons, and that I don’t continue a date or be in a partnership in which I can’t express myself honestly.

Image by 👀 Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay
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Whatcha reading?

As my pinky heals, I am still having some trouble with sports. I talked to the OT at work yesterday who encouraged me to manually close the finger to my palm and then ice it. I’ll do that between bowling tonight. In the meantime, I am reading “Attached,” and also came across a blog this morning with the term “solo poly” in it and found a researcher and professor who wrote a book called “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Being a professor myself, I easily downloaded it. It’s fascinating. I wrote to my friend via text today and said that I am enjoying “Attached,” but it’s VERY straight and exclusive monogamy-based. Totally fine with me as I want to learn more about adult attachment, but I need to read it in tandem with something for sexual minorities. Back to that.

Image by Dariusz Sankowski from Pixabay
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Memory

I did wind up hanging out with the doctoral group at the bar last night. I was the only one from our group who sang though. Energy was ok and I guess I’ll be a designated driver for the cardiologist’s friend next Saturday to go dancing. She is fun. She didn’t sing though, but was supportive to me. The nice guy came and stayed almost two hours and sang. He’s amazing. There is a nice blond woman who will be a friend to me too that came last night. The Social Butterfly came and was supportive. I sang two songs and did well with both.

I’m not going to write about karaoke this morning.

I had a dream about a pickleball tournament. You had to race sports cars to get to the tournament. I was in a blue one with my son and it was really difficult to drive. I was finally able to get it to the venue that also had a lodge. My son and I had some trouble deciding where to set up in the big room that we shared with other tournament contenders, but decided that there were so many windows that all spaces for the bed would be good. When we got out of the room, an orange compact Prius pulled up and my ex-wife was in the back of it and got out. Then her twin sisters got out and, finally, her mother. I knew that we’d have to hug and talk and was surprised, but ultimately neutral.

My ex-husband told me that dreams are downloads. I guess that is true, but there is meaning in them too. My ex-wife’s former neighbor at the condo that she bought dropped off some art that she had in her condo. My ex-wife was always redecorating, rearranging and reappropriating things from rooms. I didn’t get the door because I was in the basement and my colleague’s daughter was upstairs. I figured that my ex-wife was in town emptying her condo. I told my son that was likely the case and asked if he would like to see and call her. He called her right away when we were driving to the Post Office needing to weigh his returns to make sure that he didn’t need extra postage. She answered right away and said she wasn’t in town, but sold her condo and was getting out family heirlooms. He said that he would call her later and I think that they talked last night. I’m glad he’s in touch with her. She did a lot of parenting of him.

Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay

I had a good run of activities and socializing with my days off of work. I feel pretty solid about where I am going with my life and what I am doing with it. I have a busy morning. I think that I’ll wake up my son now and ask him to please clean the kitchen that he left a mess and walk the dogs with me. Then I’m going to make Trader Joe’s hashbrowns in the oven and some homemade chicken quesadillas. I’ll do my weight machines at the gym and he can get cleaned up. Then I’m going to my Boss’ birthday party and will do what I never do and that’s talk to all kinds of new people. I want to get some pre-arranged dates in the queue.

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April Fool’s Day

The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:

I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.

I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.

I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:

“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.

My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.

My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.

I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!

Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!

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Attachment

The last time that I saw the climber was March 13th and we kissed a whole bunch in my car after I asked for a hug. That weekend I read Fraley (2019) for an updated view of attachment. The article was very good, so I printed it for her, but she wasn’t at work on the 20th having had car trouble weekend climbing so I’ve not given it to her and am re-reading it in the printed form. I’ll give it to her next Friday.

What’s sticking out to me now, upon reading the article another time, is that primary attachment isn’t likely an adult thing. That makes a ton of sense to me too, as when toddlers who were characterized as avoidant or anxiously attached would have disruptions as adolescents given that they didn’t have a safe space at home when they were going through tumult. I agree. Several hours before my Mom died I told her again what a good Mom she was and that I wouldn’t be who I was without her parenting. Had my Dad been responsible for me solely, I’d be on drugs, a drunk or dead. My Mom would stay up late until I got home from work, she would keep dinner on “Keep Warm” in the oven when I got home in the dark at 7:30 after a difficult swim practice and sit there while I ate it talking to me about school and practice. I was attached to my Mom in a secure way. But, she didn’t stay my primary figure.

My friends are really important to me, and I’m attached to them as a source of support. I have four best friends. A guy from middle school, a woman who I used to work for in TX, my best friend from my first round of grad school, and my best friend here whom I see in person usually monthly are people who I can only see or talk to occasionally, but feel connected to anytime that we’re together. I can always eat and laugh with my best friend. We have a love of music. She will Pollyanna things though and also has a bit of the “silver-lining” it. I don’t give her full details of my plights, and rather just tell her where I am once I get there.

My best friend from grad school was the one who knew that I was going through problems with my ex-wife in the greatest detail. My ex-wife would get overwhelmed with the way that I argue and the general fire that my son spews and would move out all the time. Oddly, she wanted to live partially here and partially in AZ ongoing. When she met a man on the Internet and had him in the house while I was in ME and asked my son about it when he was going to his Dad’s and I couldn’t talk to her about how inappropriate that was–you can’t date at a park or coffee shop?–I said that we didn’t need to talk anymore. She saw nothing wrong about asking a kid about it and dating in our house while we were living together. I’m just paying her off right now. I’ll be completely done in either August or September. I told my best friend from grad school the whole story. She listened and said, “Wow” a lot. That’s all that I needed. I’m going to go see her in Germany in November. All this information to say that I don’t have a primary attachment figure and have several. Fraley (2019) summarizes research about adult attachment networks.

I have networks and am most interested now in consensual nonmonogamy, which is what the same article has detailed in the last section (Fraley, 2019). I want to treat lovers as I have friendships. I have so many friends. Because I moved 13 times before I turned 13 too I am adept at making new friends. I have also worked on being open. It was easier for me after I came out at 33. I can talk openly with anyone who I trust and am a good judge of character. The latter is probably an occupational hazard as I can read body language and also tone of voice better than most. I can easily tell who I should tell personal bits of information and who I should not. I don’t like to do what society tells me. I also believe that I can be completely in love with 2-3 women. Fraley (2019) that personal motivational factors can affect attachment. I am motivated to meet lots of women and also spend time with the climber when she wants to hang out with me. Stay tuned.

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First Day

I have a picture of him with his tiny fist pumping in the air, jumping off the stairs from the front of his school where he attended a full-day early childhood education program–like pre-kindergarten. Today is the first of 47-days. He is no longer a hobbit-sized tow-headed Energizer Bunny. He stood in his egress window smoking cigarettes on Sunday night until I woke up. He always shuts down and says, “Send me back to my Dad.” It took about an hour on Sunday night and he finally shifted. He said that he was petting our tortie in the basement and saw the shelf with all the books that I used to read him and teared up. He and I could go to family therapy twice a week. He doesn’t have an off-cycle. He’s defiant and often very rude. I just want him to finish high school. He hates it and needs to be done. Today feels like my first day too.

The climber did get sick. I don’t know if she has COVID. The nice guy who also commutes once a week with us does. I was disappointed to not get her all to myself in the car. That could only happen now in the afternoon one day or possibly May 22nd through early June. However, I must note that she said that we need to go back to our climbing spot two-weeks ago and directly invited me to the indoor ice climbing gym last Monday. She sent me pictures of her in a crack way up some giant sandstone formation and a sunset picture on Sunday when I sent her a small text re: I’ll pick you up and text when I leave my house at 7:20. We seem good. I want a get together though.

Vegan texted me yesterday. It said that she hoped that my week was off to a great start and that it was wonderful meeting up on Friday and having the introduction to Green Goddess dressing. I texted back that when she heals, I want to climb with her. She is accepting and will be a good climbing partner–just can’t kiss or hug her.

I’m not going to ever text GA again. If she comes to my city, I hope that she gets ahold of me. I would call her if my partner-in-prowl and I do a workshop in GA, but that’s it. I’ll get tall redhead’s number if I ever see her again. I’m excited for guitar class tonight. Spring is on it’s way; although it’s cold as shit. Today could mark the first day of the rest of my life.

Image by 👀 Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay
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Feeling really good

My son’s best friend since probably about 4th grade was here last night. I was so peopled out that I had to escape: wash my car, find the cat litter that is difficult to find, get some vegetables, etc. because I didn’t want to catch up with his Mom for an hour or sometimes more. She had her daughter at 17, and so she’s much younger than I am. We don’t have a thing in common. Actually, now that I think about it, she’s probably the same age as the climber. I didn’t want to talk though because I talked with people all week. Originally, my son’s best friend was going to come and go. I thought that he was driving and he is licensed; although my own son is three-months older than he is, but his Mom didn’t want him driving so far. His family moved counties when my son was in 6th grade and he’s known him since 1st. They were laughing and my son was showing him the guitar that I rented for my son and they were having a great time. Hearing my son laugh was so great. I can make him laugh a little, but he’s not generous with laughter. I know it’s part of the depression that he deals with as well. His best friend stayed the night. I made southern chicken sandwiches, sweet potato fries and a monstrous salad. I left it out and will eat it tonight before dodgeball.

I also got three rounds of rapid eye movement. I can remember three rounds of dreams. I feel so, so good. It also was nice on Friday night to get hit on. And not by a man! By a super young, blond, blue-eyed, very feminine, ex-Rugby player with a slight southern accent. Fun. I actually looked terrible Friday night and didn’t have on one bit of makeup. I also never would have approached her to talk, because I was just chillin’ in the gay bar, which is something that I like to do. I’ve known the owner for 15-years and talked to her as well. It’s where I prowl with my friend.

Speaking of which, I need to work through more modules to update one of my trainings. It’s probably 5-10 hours of content. I’m motivated to do it though because the particular training is such a good one. These other two workshops can be a little dry. I need to really get familiar with the content so I can bring my charm. I can’t dance. However, I would say that I’m one of the best public speakers period. My partner-in-prowl has done these workshops probably more than I have. I’ve probably given about 3-6 times via the one that I’ve been endorsed in for the last 8-years, and have given close to 20 in the one that I like. During convention, I got a new one and am a virgin for it. It’s actually called “Provisional.” We should look for places to train in which there is hiking and pretty women.

That’s it! I just feel so good and hopeful. I know that I’m going to meet lots of new women.

I was surprised not to meet any at the convention, but the one night that a vendor had drinks and food was the one in which our old friend had chosen for a dinner out. It’s ok, she lives in CA now where she was born and without her I’d never have met my best friend. I also was intrigued by the best flatiron steak I’ve ever had. I have a couple, so I’m going to read a bunch of tips before I cook it. I make good steak, but this one was like butter. I need to look up some tips before I make my own. I just thought that the convention would be a good place to meet women, but it was more a time for reconnecting with students whom I’ve taught.

I took a 10-mile bike ride yesterday because it was 63-degrees. There is still a lot of ice on trails, but my bike to work route is nearly clear. I can do it in rush hour and will do it Tuesday through Thursday. I feel like I want to bike 30-miles a week to make up for all the commuting that I missed from snow-poc-alypse. I love cycling and tooling around on my bike.

I don’t work Friday or Monday. Friday I’ll have to deal with my parent’s estate and we do have family therapy. I want to talk about goals and rewards for doing work and connecting with teachers rather than leaving campus at lunch and getting high in the parking lot. I texted his godparents to help me. I didn’t want to be a downer during our climbing class in January, so they didn’t know that he dropped out. I wish my son’s Dad was a little more inspiring for my son. It was odd, but my son said last week, “I’d never marry a woman like you. It would be like marrying myself and I would be so angry all the time.” It’s odd because I don’t think that we’re similar. I’m super active and hardworking. I’m not sure what he meant. I’m going to ask what he meant in family therapy. As I was finishing this entry, his godparents were texting me back and they’re going to support me and him. I’m a lucky person.

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Asked for a kiss

I only worked on Monday this week, which was good given a crisis that happened the week before. I didn’t talk to or look at the climber. I came in early, set up an incredible breakfast, and worked. I was walking a client down the hall to my office mid-morning and she was talking with one of our colleagues and I kept talking with my client, and honestly didn’t notice who she was actually speaking with in the hallway. I had to walk past her office several times all day, but didn’t look in, linger and walked my typical super fast pace. (I get a lot of shit about how fast I walk.) At the end of the day, she came into the front room in my office and then into mine and we chatted. I said, “I didn’t see you today, but knew you were at work.” She said, “I saw you in passing several times.” She also complimented the food. I told her, “I’ve cooked for you before. We need to be honest about that.” She told me that I’m good at everything. I don’t even know what that means. We haven’t had sex. I can’t dance.

I had forgotten some materials for one of our clients and told her commuting partner that I would bring it by his house and didn’t know what time. I made it home, got it, and then went to his house when they were driving up. I joked with him to catch it. I told him I was kidding because it’s very heavy and then walked to my car and started getting in. The climber said something that I couldn’t hear so I walked to her car. She said, “_____ and I were talking and said that we should all commute together.” I said, “That probably wouldn’t work because they have me go to client homes sometimes,” and she said, “As long as you were back at the end of the day, that would be fine.” I said, “There’s a liability with driving someone else’s car.” She said, “Maybe you could drive us?” I texted her the next day that I would drive them. I didn’t hear back so I texted her commuting partner that _____ had mentioned when I was leaving his house us all commuting together. If they were there at 7:20, parked on the side of my driveway, I would drive. He hearted the text. We’ll see. I don’t really care either way. If I was in the car with the climber, it would be nice for us to be alone. Her commuting partner is a super nice guy though.

I was away from my house for hours all week, but only had to get up incredibly early on Tuesday. The convention was wonderful. I saw so many former students. They are all over the nation and it was amazing to see them. I also saw a couple of colleagues who I had not seen in years. I went to the corporate party and had a complete blast and then when I left at 11:30 the next train was due to come at 4:18. I walked 4-miles through not the best neighborhoods and finally hailed down a bus amidst construction barrels, plastic fencing and missing streets. The bus driver told me that at the central station that the next train would be there now. Nine-minutes later nothing, which is what my Google Maps said for the next train. It kept getting pushed back for the ETA. About 20-minutes into my wait it said it would be there at 2:24. I downloaded Lyft, got to my Park N Ride and went to bed a bit after 1:30. Yikes. The entire convention was excellent. I learned a ton and have a new endorsement for trainings. The woman who I prowl with and I will have to start some marketing. She and I can train in the same three trainings. I should go to GA. More on that 😉

I went to lunch today with the Vegan. I can’t call her Angry Vegan anymore because 1) I had fun, and 2) We had wonderful conversation. We’re going to go to a favorite spot of mine for veggies and the best Green Goddess dressing that I’ve ever had. She is still pretty injured, but we will climb together eventually. It was really nice.

I taught tonight and barely got home in time to do it from home. I was craving Mexican food so I went downtown to eat and then dragged myself to the bar. I watched the Celtics game at the restaurant, but the bar owner doesn’t pay for the NBA channel so I had to watch a repeat game: Cavs and Pelicans. I slowly drank a beer. After standup was over, I was able to move to the other side of the bar. I had asked a woman who was with her girlfriend if it was ok that I put my jacket on the chair next to her as I was standing at the bar and she said “of course.” Super nice girl. When I was moving to the other side of the bar after standup was over I retrieved my jacket and she chatted with me and was kind. She said, “I’ll hopefully talk with you more later.” I said that I’d like that.

She and I chatted a bunch. She asked me my sign and said, “I’m always attracted to Virgos.” We talked for a long time. She’s 30!!!!!!! I told her, “I could be your mother!” She said, “Just barely.” Flattering nonetheless. She’s from Atlanta and here for a vacation and the girlfriend is her ex. When the latter was back, I made myself scarce, went to close out my tab and said goodbye. Then I said, “Give me a hug.” We embraced. When I told her that it was nice to meet her and that I was sorry not to take her to lunch she said, “Can I have a kiss?” It was quick. I hugged her again and said, “Let’s have one more kiss,” and really kissed her longer. Nice. Should a 48-year-old person kiss a 30-year-old?!? Who cares.

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More loose ends

I process things pretty slow. I’m also long-suffering. Those qualities do not make for a good match in exclusive partnership. Anyway, as I write all of the time as I’ve been doing since last November these features have made me want independence, and to love and enjoy others in specific places and times. I won’t live with someone again until I am in my 80s and need some help from someone younger who I pay with whom I have a business relationship. I will not remarry. I think that monogamy works for a handful of people. I have not been exposed to a marriage that I thought was working for both people in my sphere. I know that they exist, but it always seems like massive sacrifices are made by one person more than the other when I know both people. That is where I am.

I had talked to my ex who is dying slowly on January 21st and was on car adapter through speakers with her and her wife. The conversation was bizarre. It spanned medical procedures and the new cars that they’re thinking about buying. It made sense finally to me why she reconciled with her wife. I guess she was broadcasting their business on Facebook, and talking about their fights and possible divorce. I don’t get on Facebook unless someone tells me that I have to log in: eg. pickleball dues or a post that they need me to address. Didn’t ask how I was. Didn’t inquire about my son who she always says that she adores. I get she’s on a transplant list. I knew all the stuff that had happened via text when I donated to her Go Fund Me. I don’t like cars. I bought a sport utility vehicle in 2008 and still drive it. It was two-years-old. I repair it and put parts in it. I’m not going to hustle down there. I’ll go see them when it’s necessary.

I have a sinus infection. I guess what is going around is bacterial. I’m NOT getting antibiotics. Work was difficult, but definitely not impossible. And then I bought everything and took it for the first time last night, and I slept through the night except to blow my noise once and my throat is good. One night of vitamins and such. I always have Kickass Immune and EmergenC, and still have a little bit of the Chinese herbs that my ex-mother-in-law used to send, but I needed to add these until I felt cessation in sinus pressure and a sore throat:

I COVID tested negative–again–why don’t I get COVID? I have to be careful with zinc. It sends to nauseate me or make me throw up. I think that the sources on the left were more water soluble so it was fine. I also made mushroom risotto, chicken cutlets with panko and kale chips in the oven last night, so I was pretty full when I took these zinc.

I didn’t see the photographer at the art performance. She texted me the next day and said that she was texting with the woman who I was able to sit with–and her boyfriend and a lesbian couple. She said that she was sad not to run into me. So, I’ve texted with her a little bit about the sale of house this summer. I don’t actually want to hike or cycle with her. I want a professional relationship. I saw a few pictures of her recently and didn’t find her attractive. At the beginning of April, we’ll do a walkthrough pending the late afternoon that works for the tenants who pay bills there. I’m not hugging her and will bring my son if I can make it work with his schedule. He’s a good buffer. He’s also very good looking, so he distracts people.

He’s going back to high school. Not his high school, but one in which he can blend online and in person classes. He told me last night that he wants mostly in person classes. I don’t care, and am glad he’ll have a diploma instead of a GED. There still is some stigma. In his case, it’s truly being lazy. I have to hire a driver. Uber and Lyft have too broad a window, and I want him to be on time. He can take the city bus home. His Dad can take him once a week, and I can take him once a week. Hopefully, it won’t be as expensive as his out-of-pocket therapy that ended a week ago was. He has to go to school nine weeks only–not a year-and-a-half. They’ll get his schedule done on Monday. His personal essay for the application said that in 6th grade the friends that he had controlled him rather than knew him, and that COVID killed all his motivation for school. I wonder who else has a student like my son?

I have to study today and also read. I have a training of trainers event on Tuesday and Wednesday and work on Monday and have convention things all day on Thursday and Friday. There is a corporate sponsored party on Tuesday night as well. Maybe I should have my son stay at our house and I should stay in the hotel with an old friend? No, I won’t sleep well and that seems a little bit 20-something. Regardless, I’m excited for the convention.

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Writing helps

I know that I had written that I read “Opening Up.” Through writing and also processing some trauma, people experienced alleviation of symptoms according to the professor and researcher. Now when we work with people we teach them a ton of mindfulness, relaxation, and sometimes biofeedback before we process anything significant. The exception is when you have someone come in your office in an acute stress state or fully panicked and then you ground them fairly directedly, and allow them enough time and space to tell the whole story. You can also have them rate how it feels to tell it with totally freaked “10” and calm “1.” You can have them tell the story a few times too to hopefully desensitize the heightened emotional state. I have life circumstances that are in a low state of stress all the time, so I just have to ventilate a little. I talk a bit about stress and write way more.

Last night my colleague who almost died was talking to me about work and when we got to my son’s best friend’s house, I hung up the call. I called her last night while I was lifting weights. She’s a mess. I think that three-years ago her own stuff got really flared up when a client of ours was murdered. It was grisly and all over the news too. Her father had chosen to come to her house to die just a year prior, and the man who raised her just died of cancer. Way, way, way too much. That’s why she was suicidal. I told her, “______, I am your solid friend. I’m pretty basic (I didn’t explain that it wasn’t in the white Adidas, yoga pants, carrying a Hydroflask way because she’s a Gen X’er too–actually I’m 6-weeks older than her.), and never do anything weird. You can count on me to always be the same.” She stopped crying eventually and calmed down. Hopefully, she slept ok.

After my brother was killed and I was in the hospital, my mother had fielded all kinds of phone calls and read letters from 8th grade kids who were my “best friend.” I know that the woman who I prowl with once monthly also calls me her “best friend.” My ex-wife always told me that I’m so much of a better friend than a partner. It’s all pretty interesting to me.

Even the climber said, “Have you always been this confident?” I told her no, and especially was not in my thirties. That’s true. I used to try to hard. I can read my writing from 2011 – 2013 and see all kinds of over extensions and frankly silly shit that I used to do. Glad it’s over and likely has come with age. Speaking of which, I put it out there that I’m still wickedly attracted to her on Monday with talking about the blue hue match of her eyes to her sweater, and that she has a memory of me in my underwear. Because she’s busy, and likely it’s with new partners, I’m going to just work with her a bit and say “Hi,” if our paths cross in the hall or copy room. Otherwise, I’m not going to initiate a conversation with her again. That’s more firm than my simply saying that I won’t ask her out. Come to me if you’d like, as you know where to find me.

I’ll see the photographer on Friday. I really hope that she just says, “Hello,” and catches up with me. I don’t want to hug her or do anything which involves a mixed message. We all have an art demo and music performance from my best friend’s singing partner. My best friend gets back from a month in Asia next week. She won’t be at the museum for this artistic experience. My Boss will at about 7 or 7:30, and she was shocked that I don’t have a date. I told her that I don’t chase. And, again, she said, “Wow. That is impressive.” I guess confidence is sometimes attractive and other times surprising.

I think that in entries from 10-years ago I talked about next year starting my easy part of life. A Vedic Astrologer told me that during a 2.5-hour reading that I paid for. I also had my friend who is coming in two weeks for convention do a distance reading through her mother probably 12-years ago. She told my friend that I wasn’t through the difficult part of my life. I think that Dad dying in 2020, Mom dying in 2021, my divorce in 2022 and my son dropping out this year are all trying. I think, too, that these circumstances have been helpful. Writing about them has made them more easy to process.

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Landed

On Friday night I taught and was done at 7, and I was really hungry. My son had been at the music studio and he had met his ex-girlfriend there. I really like her. I don’t like them together. She has poor health in all facets, so I think that he was drawn to her because of my ex-wife honestly who was also in poor health all around. Anyway, we went to dinner. The kids told me that they want to get back together and I said, “That’s not a good idea. You should be good friends, and _______, if you want to break up with ____ you should talk to her. It’s likely impulse and it’s comfortable seeing ___ again.” They listened and considered all of it. Her mother met us there and we hugged and chatted. She invited my son and I to family karaoke.

I did my walk Saturday. My colleague who tried to kill herself called me and we we talked awhile. I played guitar, I sent the required paperwork to the Bank Manager for the house, and cooked a bit. I took my car to get detailed because I want it very clean when women who are new to me go places with me, and then although it’s still pretty icy, I biked 7-miles to go shopping. I got some dog food, new jeans and finally found a red t-shirt. Why is it difficult to get a red t-shirt?

When I got home, I had really rough conversation with my son and found out that he had only been to a few classes in the last two weeks. His Calculus teacher reached out to me via text. He said that if I gave him $2 a day, he’d go to all his classes, and that sounded like a cheap way for me to preserve some sanity for what I call my jail sentence. I have just over a-year-and-half left with him here. He has to move out when he turns 18.5. He has a move out day. Then my son left to his current girlfriend’s house for her father’s birthday party. I fed my pets and did a little cleaning and took them on a nice walk. While playing guitar, I got a text from my son that he was coming home.

He’s dropping out. I think that he’ll pass the GED in his sleep. He’s so good at math and a good writer, and will just need to work off the study guide for Science and Social Studies, but for the latter he passed an Advanced Placement exam two school years ago doing nothing. It’s not that he isn’t bright. He can’t navigate social dynamics and now can’t go to class at all. It’s definitely upsetting. Not what you want for your child either. He has to get another job and doesn’t drive, so he’ll have to bike or walk to work. His ex-girlfriend messaged his current girlfriend during the birthday party and a mess ensued. Doors slammed, awkward whispering, and he came home. Suffice to say, I had shitty sleep Saturday night and Sunday was difficult.

I talked with my colleague who tried to kill herself–she’s a single mother too. I got a text from the wife of my ex who is dying, and she had to get two units of blood on Saturday night and they can’t find the bleed. I’m buying tickets for the end of March to NC, and am hoping to see her with my son. That may not be the timing and I’m distraught about it. And I drove to the Rec Center and added 15-20 lbs more than I’d been using on the machines. I was still in a hideous mood and tried two friends, and it went to VM. I walked a bit over a mile and drank my recovery drink. When I got back to the car his girlfriend texted me that my son had a “family iPhone.” I was shocked. I called my colleague who tried to kill herself. As I was driving back to my house, I kept her call in the pocket of my jacket. I went to his room and said, “_______, ____ texted me and I need the iPhone that she gave you.”

At the time, I never thought in a million years that parents would undermine MY parenting and not talk to me regarding a smart device as they knew that the flip phone was a consequence. I kept my colleague on the phone. I went to their house, put the phone on the porch and took a picture which I sent to the girlfriend’s Dad and Stepmother. He texted, “Thank u.” Are you kidding me? My son’s on a flip phone and subscription separate GPS! On what planet do you give a child a phone who’s had a phone for 7-years and doesn’t get to have technology in his room? Why is that your decision? I woke up my son, said it all made a lot of sense why it’s been easy for me to collect his district-provided laptop and flip phone at night, because he’s never had to stop using text and social media messaging. And what’s worse is that other parents made that decision for me.

Although my mood was only slightly less hideous, it was then horrific. I was vile. My son asked if he should move out and I told him no, but whenever his Dad can have him overnight that he should. I just need space. Not that a 17-year-old understands interfering in other people’s parenting, and her parents apparently handed over the phone to him “so it would be easier for him to text their daughter.” I told him that they have bizarre boundaries, and it’s not his girlfriend’s fault, but I have no trust in them and he’s not permitted to date her ever again while living with me. I got a text from his ex-gf’s mom saying that she would include me in the next family karaoke, but her daughter hasn’t been feeling well all day and she’s not going out with her friends. I thanked her. I hope that I do hear from her again, as she’s cool and that sounds so fun. Just before 7, my son’s Dad picked him up. I was in a hideous mood still. So, I went to a new karaoke bar and put my name in and sang. People at this venue were really good, so my first song was mid. My second song was wonderful. Too bad what was derivative of that was two guys hitting on me and one trying to buy me drinks. I was polite and declined, but then didn’t wait for my next rotation. I just went home. I slept like a rock last night. I feel so good today. I’ve landed.

I’ll text the climber happy birthday. She apparently wasn’t at work on Friday, so I’ll text her that I hope that meant that she wasn’t sick, but was rather extending her plans to add a day. I don’t think that she’ll text back. She’s been bad about that as of late. However, I do me and I’m conscientious and wish people Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. I don’t chase, and won’t ask her out again. We shall see. She’s sexy and incredibly fun. She lives with five people though and they dance all the time and also do elite outdoor adventuring. Admirable for sure, but not something that someone can just simply join into and I wouldn’t want to do so. I’m up for a sing-a-long if that ever happens.

I’m NOT texting or calling the Photographer. After we get back from NC I’ll send her an email calendar notice for late afternoon some early April day so that we can walk through the house. That’s it.

I’ve had this situation happen before wherein things fizzle and then I have new experiences. The main difference now is that I’m not looking for an exclusive thing. Case in point is these two situations. One could be my crazy adventurer, and the other could be my coffee and hiking / biking companion. I would love to add a third too. Like a woman to traipse around a museum and go to live venues for music. I have what I want dialed in and won’t compromise anything.

  1. Honesty
  2. Independence
  3. Boundary
  4. Kindness
  5. Love big and with no limit

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Blue-eyed, Millennial Capricorns

She embraced me too–super mutual embrace.  She remarked that I was obviously good people because I was acquainted with my best friend as is she.  I asked her if she was allergic to dogs and she exclaimed, “No, did you bring pups?!?”  I said that I hadn’t,  but wanted to drive and couldn’t do so if she was allergic due to dog hair in my vehicle.  She hopped in.  I drove west.  And when I turned off to start heading up to the trailhead from the highway I said, “It’s so beautiful up here. I’ve not been up here in a long time,” and she talked about hiking there last weekend.  I turned around and got back on the highway.  She was taken aback and did laugh, but was very surprised.  I actually had intended to head more west, but the road was confusing so we were heading back, so I decided to turn into the road that goes into town and she told me that she’d shot a wedding here.  I said, “I want to hike somewhere new to you!”  She said that she swore that it was right there only and hadn’t been on the back side of the trail.  We found the trailhead with her help and she started talking to me about what she is going through right now with a friend of hers and it is a lot–scary stuff.  That opened the door to my being really open with her.

The photographer talked about her family, she talked about her ex, so I talked about two of mine including my ex-wife.  And she told me where she’d arrived with her friend and care of her.  She’s solid.  She is also very sexy, multilingual, does a daily Yoga practice and dances.  She has her own businesses and has a flexible work schedule.  We talked about her bike too.  I want to ride with her as well.  She told me that she’d never done a high peak and that friends are always saying that they’re going to take her up one.  I’ll have to lend her snow pants and they won’t fit her super great, and we should maybe both rent crampons.  I am reasonably sure that I have two sets of trekking poles, but have to look.  I know the one that we’ll do and have done winter mountaineering one time on a rope team, so I feel confident.  We just have to look for the best high pressure day next week because it can get windy and miserable.  The forecast looks safest in 8-days. 

I talked about my recent shift into believing in polyamory.  I explained a few times that it’s weird to have many friends and one partner.  I talked about how odd it is that one person would believe that she could be all for another.  We talked about my best friend’s desire to be with a woman, and how it freaks out her husband.  I said that they should swing, and then realized that would mean that my best friend would also be providing some intimacy to a man other than her husband and it 1) really grossed me out, and 2) helped me understand that would be incredibly complicated.  It would be easier for them to have a woman that they had an understanding with, but it’s off the table because he’s jealous.  It makes me sad for her. 

She almost fell and noted how quick my reaction time is.  I would have caught her.  Parts of the trail were incredibly icy.  I’m going to have to buy new boots finally because there is a part of them that has no tread at all.  I slipped a couple of times, but it wasn’t anything serious.  We must have hiked almost 8-miles.  I keep my phone in my back pocket, but it lowballs things if I don’t specifically run the app and rely on it to run in the background.  If I run it specifically to track though, it drains my battery.  It tracked us at 5.8-miles.  Regardless, we gained lots of elevation and I was STARVING when I got home. 

It was a great first date.  We embraced again outside her car, and she said, “Nice to meet you,” and I said in her ear, “We’ve met.”  She blushed a little and laughed and said, “Oh, I know.”  She’s much more cautious than the climber.  She’s also almost exactly two-years older than her.  It’s really odd.  The climber’s birthday is one day in the next three-weeks (37), and the photographer’s is three days after that (39).  Incidentally, my best friend’s follows in three-days and my son’s three days after that, but they are Aquarii.  My love interests are blue-eyed Millennial Capricorns.  I like this part of my life.

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Exciting reconnection

My best friend is a musician. She is also very, very extroverted. During the height of the first COVID summer my ex-wife and I were in her backyard with another couple drinking and eating cheese and veggies. I had brought a beautiful bottle of Rosé, and it was good, and the bottle and stopper were gorgeous. I was drinking. My ex-wife doesn’t drink at all. Awkward doesn’t scratch the surface. One of the women with whom she’d performed in an amazing canyon the summer before just has dark energy. Her partner sat mostly quietly. My ex-wife wanted to leave when we got there. That wasn’t unique.

My best friend was having a concert this October and it was going to be at the partner’s house. Not sure when the couple broke up. I’ll find out soon. The concert was fairly inexpensive, but the people she’d invited couldn’t afford it, so it was cancelled. My best friend was disappointed because she really wants me to be connected with this woman. Last Wednesday, my best friend had lunch with her and she told her to give her my number. Not sure why my best friend wasn’t down for that, but she sent us a connection email.

Here is what I wrote back to the connection email:

“Hi, ___,

Do you hike or cycle?

Kindly,

______.”

Several days later I got back the cutest email. She doesn’t remember me. When you’re in partnership that’s exclusive and you live together it has an effect on what you see, connect to, and are open with in terms of others. I sent her a picture of a glass wine stopper because she had complimented the bottle two-years ago–my God, it will be three in July, and now that I’m thinking about it, I think that bottle is in my son’s room with a plant in it, but I wanted her to have a visual of something she’d said to me then. She had given me her number in the cute email, so we’ve exchanged lots of texts Monday through yesterday. I wasn’t heavily flirtatious or anything, but we’d just made plans so I wanted to her to have the knowledge that we did indeed meet almost three years ago so I sent that picture.

She had said in her email that she’d like to get a drink/coffee/hike/bike. I made hiking plans with her for Sunday. I actually can’t wait! She’s really cute. Reddish, blondish hair, large blue eyes. I can’t remember, but I do think she’s taller than me which is my historical norm. I want: great conversation, and two hugs. I want the last hug to be tighter and closer. Of course, I’ll get what I want and that’s exercise. I need a woman with whom I can hike and bike who I think is attractive. I don’t necessarily need to be taught something from a woman such as climbing or dancing, because it creates a power differential, which I don’t think is super healthy with someone who you kiss.

The climber is all stressed out. When I see her on Thursday at the tail end of my work party, I’m just going to give her a hug and read her energy. She had to make an appointment for Thursday and I thought that it was going to be Monday, but the person helping her with legal navigation with her ex wasn’t available on Monday. I don’t have any expectations for Thursday and have loved our last four times together with the exception of her worrying that I want to be her girlfriend after the ballet. I don’t want a girlfriend/partner.

I tell everyone the same thing. I don’t want to live with anyone, I don’t want a marriage, and I never want financial entanglements. I don’t have the energy that is required in exclusive love relationships. I also have come to a decision that like your friends, you can have girlfriends that you like to do different things with: go to dog parks, potlucks, adventures, dress-up dates, hikes, etc. I really don’t even have enough experience yet to know all the possibilities. I will tell you that after I broke up with my ex who is likely dying that I went straight into another partnership and was convinced of a “one.” That is nauseating bullshit. I’m not everything for anyone and why would there be for me?

I’m not afraid of commitment. I could be with two or three different women and those could be the ones who I see. I do think that when sex occurs that I’ll go back to therapy. The climber was super relieved that I’ve had a date since she belayed me and that I had asked out another woman who said life was hectic right now. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but I don’t want to talk about other women with women and she said that she wants to hear that stuff. I won’t give details unless I’m asked though, because I don’t want repeats of what I had in 2010 listening to a woman bitch about another woman she is intimate with, because that doesn’t work for me. Again, when things progress physically, I will get a new therapist.

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Sexuality

I think that in 1992 in my Advanced Placement Psychology class I was exposed to the work of Alfred Kinsey, and it made a ton of sense to me. At the time, I had a girlfriend who probably most people knew was my girlfriend, and my parents were disturbed by it and made me leave my bedroom door open suddenly in my sophomore year and bought bunk beds for me–hahahaha, neither were a deterrent. Anyway, I started thinking today about how overly simplistic his research was, and it was the ubiquitous white man research which was common until very recently. Also, it was likely a self-of-therapist activity for him because he was actively bi-sexual and his wife was cool with it, which is super evolved for the 20s and 30s. Again, lucky that he was a white, educated guy and could act on his orientation.

So, it’s a 0-6 point scale and you had to, through interview, talk about your sexual experiences with people so Kinsey and his researchers could determine your sexuality. It’s pretty concrete and reductive. “0” meant that you were heterosexual and “6” meant that you were homosexual. Men would sometimes say in interview that they only received oral sex from other men and that they were decidedly straight. It sounds much like conversations that I had with straight girls in college who said that they were virgins and had provided oral sex all weekend, and every weekend at fraternity parties to 18-20-year-old guys.

Kinsey himself knew that sexual behavior changes over time. I think it’s helpful for me to think about that because at least one of the reasons that my marriage ended was because my ex-wife wants to explore men. I actually think that the sexual thing will have to be shaped, but in terms of my friendships with men, they’ll be a good match for her. She’s really quiet and in her head. Men, who I have been friends with anyway, have shorter conversations with me, unless they want to talk specifically about music, books or an activity. Women, who I’ve known, tend to flow through tons of topics in one sitting. One of my friends was playing pickleball with three girlfriends and the men playing on the court next to them said, “Please stop, you’ve definitely filled your word quota today.”

After I graduated from high school, I spent at least 6-years REALLY wanting to be heterosexual. Much of it was because my brother was killed and I’m a surviving child and wanted to produce offspring and become conventional in the eyes of my mother. My Dad was so easy to come out to when I did so with nearly everyone at the age of 33. He said, “Live your life and be happy.” My Mom never dealt with it nor did she accept it; although, she adored my ex-wife. My Mom tended to worry about me anyway so I’m sure that she got a lot of solace when my ex-wife told her that she was going to take good care of me the afternoon before my Mom died. I used to call my Mom coming off a mountain or two from the highway so she wouldn’t know what I’d just done.

I spent 9-years married to a man. He’s bookish and introverted. He does that thing too wherein he can’t read body language and won’t tie up a conversation in which it can alter into a monologue. Sexually speaking there were some things that I have no interest in at all. Additionally, I just look at male arms and sometimes legs. I think that I’m envious of the amount of lean muscle. It’s not a thing that I want to touch. I feel 5ish.

Kinsey was completing this interview research in the 50s and then in the mid-80s it was detailed and looked at from the lens of ensuring that gay and lesbian people were appropriately sampled in the research. What now with folks who are decidedly bisexual or pansexual? What about people who don’t have any sexual inkling for whatever reason and are asexual? Of course many of these orientations are also related to gender identity and maybe somewhat gender expression. That would have to be included too.

Kinsey’s construct made sense to me when I was 18 and 19 and now that I’m not only reflecting on my life, and also talking to people about sexuality and gender, I wonder what truly applies on a 0-6 scale? My best friend told me a couple of weeks ago, “All women are bisexual.” I don’t think that is true. I think that what you’ve explored physically for people who are not asexual gives you good information, and I like that now I know that will change over time. I asked her if she and her husband ever swung with a couple and she said that freaked him out when he was asked and that he wants to be her everything. No one is complete for anyone. That is bizarre. It applies to sex too, I would imagine. I’m thinking about people, sexuality, gender and where people are with their own 0-6.

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Swallow them

Do you have to swallow your words? I do. I think–use fewer going forward.

I wrote this on August 12, 2008: So, I went to a new bar tonight and sang a couple of my old favorites.  It was fun, but the hotties there were jailbait.  I don’t want to be 10-years older than someone who I am dating.  That is frightening!  When the hell did I get so old?  Seriously, who do I have to punish?  Glad that one class is done and all work is accounted for–so now it’s onto finishing up my last two papers for the other course.  Goodnight.

Uh oh. What about when you’re trying to start dating someone 11-years, three-months and 28-days younger than you. She’s so not jailbait. She is a dancer, an artist, a climber, kindhearted, charming, sensual, open, funny, bold, and sexy. I don’t care about age.

I think of Harrison Ford for me anyway: “It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.” I have to get surgery next week to cut out the prickly pear cactus quill from my palm. Fucker. I should have let her take all of the quills out on October 6th! I got one out of my thumb and another out of my heart line of my palm, but this thing is tenacious. When she was taking them out, I pulled away. I pulled away later in my house when she had her arm around my waist too, and it took until she pressed the length of her thigh against mine on my loveseat for me to deal. Probably because I had two glasses of Red Zin too. Why do I have to keep telling myself that she came onto me first? Turns out that I kissed her first though. I had to ask. I wasn’t actually sure on the 30th of October so I asked her when she was laying on my chest in between kissing. I knew I’d kissed her neck, but didn’t know who made the first move with our lips.

Back to the quill: it’s below the forefinger on my palm. I guess that is the mount of Jupiter. It says on the proverbial Internet that that area of your hand is associated with power. I feel so relaxed around her when it’s just us. I can just be. I’ve told her things that I keep so private and it just rolls out. I’m cautious, so that’s weird. I just trust her. The quill disarmed my power. Hahahahaha.

I am so excited for the ballet. I called her last night and she had stressful things going on, so we couldn’t talk and I liked hearing her voicemail. We texted a little today. Oddly, we are both communicating with lawyers. She is dealing with her house, and I am beginning the slow process of my parents’ estate. I need to eat some food, and go to bed. I have an incredibly long day tomorrow and today my mother has been gone one year. 😦

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Waiting or Dying

I am not sure why it’s fucking me up so bad that my ex is dying or simply awaiting a transplant, but it is. (I averaged 111 bowling today. I can’t live with myself.) I am reading through our relationship. Cliff notes: meet in a bar, have a fun summer, the main other girl she’s fucking says that they have to be girlfriends, I don’t need friends, I bounce, she texts me around the New Year of ’10, we have a romantic rekindling that wasn’t just sex, and then by the end of the month she eventually starts seeing her previous girlfriend and I concurrently again, I start to actually have feelings, and then she moves to the southeast. Here was that bullshit with circumstances that I don’t ever want to repeat:

She came over Wednesday night, but I had seen her every night the previous weekend, and none of the days were all that good–some were plain awful.  The only night that we actually had plans were Friday, and she had tried to cancel those.  Saturday, I ran into her by chance–if you are one who believes in coincidences, which I don’t–and she invited me out for a drink on Sunday afternoon.

Anyway, a friend of mine had an extra to a concert Saturday because her cousin couldn’t get a sitter. She and I had a date the night before, which she had tried to cancel late Monday night under the guise of having seen me once by chance, and when I should point out that she flatly refused to go home with me or let me caravan to her place for a few only to wind up texting me.  I know that I wrote about that.  She had also seen me for her birthday, because she wanted to spend her birthday with me. I’m not into trade-ins.  EG. “I’ve seen you, so we don’t have to follow through on plans we’ve had for six-weeks.”  I would let her out of them. She wouldn’t text back, so I told my BFF from out-of-state if she let them fall through, I wouldn’t make plans with her again.  My BFF said, “It will be really good for you when she is finally gone.”  She’s right–it’s toxic.

Not wanting to make friction, I texted her that I was going to be at the concert because a friend of mine, who she met the night that she refused to go home with me (Again, only to text me, “You can’t come over?” a couple of hours later.), as she had a extra ticket. I knew that she’d be there with the other girl from summer.  This was the one with whom she’d ended her relationship with so that she could sleep with me again.  I did not contact her for four months, and she texted me when the New Year began.  You’ll maybe remember that when we reconnected, she moved my hair off my neck and whispered in my ear, “I’ve missed you so much.  I never stopped thinking about you for four months.”   All of that may be true, but she gets something out of companionship with this girl too.  And it is weird to me, because she describes her as “selfish, a non-reciprocator, a bad kisser, and a bitch.” WTF, does she say about me, and to her possibly?  I’ll get to that too.

Friday had good and bad parts last weekend.  I liked it when she held me in the restaurant.  I liked it when she acknowledged how consistent I am and that hold her to her word.  Sex sucked.  If she wants us to be FBs sex should be phenomenal.  (It was on Wednesday night, and I’ll get to that too.)  I knew that it sucked because she was pissed that I told her that she needed to follow through on our plans, and I also knew that she’d be with the other woman at the concert.  Her energy changes when she sees her, and it is not for the better.

Saturday I texted her that I would be at the concert.  Then, of course, our tickets were a mere 10 rows and 3 seats apart.  She was above me with her ex-girlfriend that she has been sleeping with again since the end of January.  I knew that I’d see her; although, she said that we would “have to plan it.”  It’s good that she thinks that she has psychic abilities, but I just knew that our seats were too close together. Walking up the enormous flights of stairs, I saw her at one of the cabanas in line for a drink, so I hit her shoulder and walked on.  We were texting back and forth, and she had her phone out.  She had the audacity to say, “You should go. It is going to be awesome.”  I texted her, “I’m not worried.”  Which I was not, but that didn’t change just because I knew that I would see her and didn’t want any drama.  That’s not me.  So, a few more texts were exchanged and I said, “BTW, that was me who hit you.”  And she said, “I know, but you move fast.”  I said, “Are you not glad?  I’m not into drama and am sure that you’d like to avoid it too.”

Then there she was.  I was in line with my buddy and some of her friends, and there was my girl.  She hugged us both.  Then in a bit, my very good friends (They are partners of five-years.) were there too. She knows one of them personally because one night in January, she invited us both over for a drink.  Which later freaked her out.  That girl’s partner was looking at my girl like, “Who the fuck are you?”  Her partner saw it and said, “_____ , this is _______ !”  And then she regained her composure.  In fact, I was impressed with her, because my girl has not asked if she liked her.  She doesn’t.  She told me, “Not what I expected.  She is skinny and butch.”  Oh well.  She’s not my girlfriend anyway.  Fine we all met.  Let’s be on our ways.  Nope.

I got back in line with my friend.  My girl went to the of the line.  I said, “Come up here.” And when I finally got her to, I said, “Give me your ID.”  She got all weird and started handing me a $20.  I told her to put her money away, and she refused a bit, and then said, “Well, just get a well drink then.”  I told her that was bullshit and I could get her Grey Goose.  Weirdo.  It gets weirder. She touched my ass!  If she pulled that shit with me with the other girl when we were out on a date, I’d probably not talk to her again.  My buddy and I went to a table, and then she joined us.  We talked together, and drank.  Then the next act had been playing for some time and my friend mentioned it.  She said that she was going back in, and my girl said that she wanted to see this guy too.  Then she actually caressed my ass!  Wow!  She gave me hug and went back to her seat.  After she had stopped texting me, I thought, “You are a fucking chump! She is up there talking shit about you with the other girl, just like she does about her with you.”

So, on Sunday when she invited me out for a drink on a patio, I was lucky enough for my son’s Dad to say, “Yes” to coming over to babysit. I walked across a busy street in a tank, Birks, and jeans, and a guy in a Range Rover waved me across. I couldn’t see her; although, she said that she had a table outside.  I went in, and came out to the patio and kept looking and couldn’t see her, and was starting to get really pissed. Finally, I saw her, and she didn’t stand up or give me a hug.  Steve McQueen.  Fuck You. Talking, talking, talking.  “I liked the way that you stopped traffic.”  I said, “No, he was just cool, and waved me across. In a cocktail dress and heels maybe.”  The latter is true.  That is when straight guys typically get very aggressive and won’t leave me alone. More talking, and talking, and bullshit small talk.  I was furious by then.

Finally, I get my chance, “So, do you talk shit about me to ________ ? Do you tell her that I’m selfish and a bitch?”  I told her everything that was on my mind Saturday and she was furious.  I was so lucky that we were in a public place.  I’ll get to that too. After awhile she convinced me that the other girl doesn’t even know my name, and that she doesn’t think that I’m a bitch, etc.  I’m not.  But, I don’t want to be sleeping with someone who talks shit about me either.  After a lot of heated discussion, we agreed to let it go–forever.  I told her that I believed that she doesn’t talk about me negatively to her, and she said that she believed that I believed her at her word.  We hugged.  I gave her a kiss and we parted.

She sent me a text an hour and a half later which said, “I didn’t realize that you had your son back and it would be work to come meet me. Thanks for doing so.”  I didn’t respond and talked to my BFF out of state, and said, “Right now, I’m done.  I don’t care if I see her this week.”  She reiterated that she just needs to move, and I need to move on.

I did see her Wednesday, and it was obvious that she had not let it go. She actually went off on me. She accused me of taking out my anger on her, not trusting her, and told me that I don’t mean shit to her and that I expect something long-term.  Nah, her shit, and I’m not going to take it on.  So, she upped the ante and started to leave.  That did upset me for a variety of reasons.  One, I wanted some good intimacy, two, I had done nothing wrong, and three, she drank an entire bottle of wine. She said that my being upset was because I have “expectations” of her now and this is not what she wants or why we are together.  I got her calmed down, and told her, “Let’s just have fun then.”

When she finally was better, and had yelled at me enough, and also looked at me like she hated me enough, we finally undressed. She started apologizing.  I said, “Let’s not do that again.”  She said a bit later, “Thanks for putting up with me.”  Then she blamed it on PMS.  It was more than that though, because I called her on her bullshit, the moon was full, and she wants to call all the shots. O.K., I’m cool with that, but be consistent.  It was the best sex that we’ve had since August.  It’s called make-up sex, is it not?  I think that I want that to be my last memory of her here in this state.

Again, I am a list maker:

  1. Don’t fuck someone and ask or listen to other stories about who they are fucking too
  2. Don’t drink heavily with someone who you’re fucking; if that woman gets one drink over the line, go home no matter what
  3. Make very concrete plans with someone before you go to the date and keep those plans consistent
  4. If someone you’re on a date who starts getting angry, have a line. The line could be, “This isn’t fun or easy right now. Let’s stop hanging out until it can be fun and easy again.”
  5. Don’t have another date with some woman who is angry, pissy, or raises her voice.
  6. Don’t think or dwell on what any woman you’re dating is doing when you’re not seeing her or have plans with her
  7. Avoid messes. Be honest.
  8. If a woman who you’re dating tells you that she’s going exclusive with someone else, delete her number and block her after saying your parting words.
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Timeline

This entry represents how much I’ve shifted with desire in relationships. After much reading and much discussion in groups, I realize that I don’t ever want to break up with anyone again. I want to do my very best to communicate directly and negotiate adding and reducing relationship factors. An example is adding emotional intimacy and subtracting financial arrangements. I know that I won’t marry or cohabit ever again.

2012

I want to focus on what I want and what I’m looking for, but will start with a preface that it doesn’t mean that it’s not in my current relationship.  We are just new…  Eight-days shy of 7-months and both equally independent and busy.  I’d rather reflect on I want and as everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus. So, at least for today, I will blog about what I value.

  • That’s stupid.  Be what you want.  You’ll attract people who you want to spend time with, and don’t count dates.  There could be shitty dates and exciting dates.  I’m glad that I’ve not seen or heard from the CEO in YEARS.  Who cares that I spent 7-months exclusively dating her?  Shame on me for trying to force a long-term relationship with someone so mean.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  I also like the noise water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up. Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy. Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

  • Yep, those things are still very, very good.  I have gaiters now too and know how to self-arrest with an ice axe, so I should bundle up and go soon.  Not solo though.  That’s stupid.  Love is expansive.  I love lots of people.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations. Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

  • Still love to cook.  Don’t have the need for a large dinner party, but my birthday party when I turned 48 was fun with my neighbors, my old work husband and his wife and my son.  I do need to practice guitar.  Teenagers don’t do anything.  At least he is dating a cheerleader now, so maybe he’ll dance again.  Been thinking about taking some dance lessons, actually.  I continue to have a thing for dancers and athletes.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubbing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that unfold and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are some things that I also value.

  • I can add to that walking on the beach and getting frisky.  That was fun too.  I went all over Mount Desert Island in June on a rented bike and it was phenomenal.  Gonna do that next June around the whole rim at Crater Lake, and I want to boat to Wizard Island.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, trails or on a singletrack. I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.

  • I bike to work everyday except for Mondays.  I have to drive on Mondays.  I have a police bike now and a road bike.  I donated that POS.  I LOVE cycling. I just bought my own mountain bike and want to get good at non-technical hill riding.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

  • Still have fortuitous circumstances unfold in the dark. The climber held me on a climber under moonlight when I told her that my ex-partner is either dying or waiting for a transplant and that my son and I will have to motor to NC at some point because of that.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

  • I don’t want any more children.  I hope that my son will be ok when he’s 25.  I drug test him weekly–it was hot today–and he gets a flip phone going as soon as the GPS that he has to carry that I’ll be subscribing to as a service is here and working.  Children are an active or psychic burden until they have a working brain.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful.  When I imagine this partner, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did. She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near Clear Creek in Buena Vista and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets. She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.  That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team.

  • I don’t want a partner.  I don’t want financial entanglements.  I am a complete sucker for green, hazel and blue eyes.  I love to laugh and will look forward to some fun sex when the time is right.  I don’t want to raise my son with anyone.  I want him to stabilize and get his act together.  My parents were not a concerted team, and I can’t think of an example of that with any of my friends.  I’m lucky that mine will be out of the house in July of 2024.  Then I can re-read this entry and see what’s shifted.  Love of parts of Colorado will never shift.
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New Chapter

I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer.  I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down.  I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me.  I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday.  I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post.  I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years.  It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.

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Adjustments

We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine.  I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing.  It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.

I had a long day yesterday.  I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services.  The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce.  At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry.  I’m not sure that she has been held like that.  It made me think that my partner and I have something really special.  We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.

Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too.  I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church.  She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick.  When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative.  While that is really too bad, I was fuming.  I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.

I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey.  I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends.  I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.”  Whatever.  You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are.  You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.

I remember nights that I’ve had like this one.  You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself.  I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences.  That is an adjustment as well.

Here is what I took away that was new:

  1. We honestly don’t fight
  2. My partner is the nicest person who I know
  3. She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
  4. I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
  5. Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
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Reflections

I only have three-days of work left and then I go on a fairly long vacation.  It will be nice, given the disruptions to my doctoral process, and because I’m adjusting to my new life.  I’m thinking about how grateful I am again this morning, because I have begun my life with a woman who simply fits into mine by just moving into it.  She doesn’t ask me to defend the way that I do things, but gently comes forward and is accommodating rhythms that we had, yet she adds to them.  Enhancement and comfort is her way and I love it.

I read over my About page on WordPress and realized that it can’t be reworked.  I just need to rewrite it because everything that I’m doing is so new.  I have this amazing partner whose pictures still make me say, “My God, she is so hot,” and yet given our intimate connection when we talk, laugh, and make love, I know that I will not ever date again.  I’m glad too, because I was really sick of dating.

She’s mine.  I can’t believe that, but she is truly mine.  (These kind of assertions make me realize that I will never be Buddhist.)

Tomorrow night we will finally get our tree.  We didn’t sleep together last night, but of course we talked, and I was able to sleep well this time even without her with me last night.  I just sleep better with her there.  I never had a solid night of sleep with my ex.  I guess one time we slept late–until 8–in my bed, but she was so wound up all the time and also needed the tv on so that she could distract herself into falling asleep.  We were just incompatible.

When someone is as gentle as my partner is, you just relax, get warm and sleep.  After talking to me, she was able to get me where she can when we are in bed together.  I was just warm and drifting off to sleep.  I appreciate her way.  I’m lucky to bask in her light and love.