Tag Archives: Love

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NOT who I’m looking for

I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl.  We need to go back to a friendship.  To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating.  Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development.  It’s too relationship-oriented for me too.  If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth.  But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex.  I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.

Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing.  I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her.  I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek.  Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.

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A taste

That is the bad thing about sex when you are not used to having it as much as you’d like…  You want more.  Damn.  She is out-of-town and I have my son.  I suppose that we will sleep together this weekend anyway.  Damn again!  I wasn’t going to do this kinda thing with her.  Physically, she is not really my type at all, but maybe I’m just so happy to liked for who I am and have someone interacting nicely with me that thinks who I’m sexy and smart.  That’s a good thing.  Sooooo superior to selfish, negative, and creepy when you are unwilling to drive to me, are unsure that I have longterm potential, and want to be free of sexual intensity.  Well, the latter sure has a different spin when you fuck until 5 in the morning and then do it again at 7.

I did tell her that she needs to be dating a non-mother and probably someone her age or younger.  She said that she has done younger.  I will tell you too that she was the first thing on my mind today as were some of the particulars from the 6-hours of sex.  When I called her this morning, I told her that I have no idea what we are.  The thing is that I just want to take a year and see, but I also want her to find someone way less complicated than I am.  I will be working constantly August – May and I have full custody of my son.  That is not constant sex, which is something that she likes.

I can also tell you that for right now, she is nice to talk to and that I’d do her right now if she was in town and I could get a sitter.  I fell in love hard once and it was simple for three-months, so now I think that I feel more comfortable going back to slow, organic development.  I shall see and truly have an ease with her, so I will just take each day with her and see what becomes of it.

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Leave it

I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.”  I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text.  It’s true.  I  think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship.  That was our normal rhythm.  But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend.  I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real.  And I know that I can leave it…  Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.

I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now.  I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me.  In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday.  She can’t stop thinking about me.  Me.  The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible.  Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls.  So be it.  Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.

My cycling partner’s family was in town last week.  I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset.  I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence.  That is a good analogy for me too.  I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable.  This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too.  Compromise and flow.  I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her.  She is such a genuine person.”  That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there.  Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.

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What does she want?

I still don’t understand where she is.  She chats me last week and says that she wants what I want too, eg. being held, co-parenting, and not feeling like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and now the difference between she and I is that she doesn’t really have to have a partner.  Well, make up your mind.  You sure have about not going to counseling, but you still want the cake to consume don’t you?

She tells me that she misses our sex life and that we should try that as an approach.  I told her that I have had a loveless commitment, and I’ve had a fuck buddy, and now I’m seeking partner.  I guess that we have a lot to talk about today.  Again, she plays the role of seductress very well, but it feels like she has to keep one foot out.  I’m worth much more than that.  She said that we can’t make a relationship work, but doesn’t want to be analyzed or does she have time to go to counseling.  Given that she neglected to see the woman who she sees during her father’s last month, death, and disorganized funeral, I do know that the latter is true.  To be true to myself and respect myself, I can say what I want in just over four hours.

  1. I want to share my daily life with someone
  2. I want to wake up next to her and go to bed next to her more nights than not
  3. I want a family and the possibility to have more children
  4. I want to talk about things before they become problematic and evolve into bad patterns
  5. I want someone who even after some time, we still have trouble taking our hands off of each other
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Wonder

So, a brand new friend came over for the traditional 4th of July BBQ last night and we played with my son, talked, ate, laughed and connected.  Notice that I say new, because in fact, I met her at my friend’s going away party last month as that girl was moving to the West Coast.  We get along really, really well.  It’s easy and it will stay easy because of variety of reasons, but it’s sad that she does like me.  That won’t grow for me, because with sexual chemistry, I can feel it immediately and if I can’t imagine things, I don’t stare into your eyes, at your mouth, look at your ass, and glance at your hands, it won’t happen ever.  I know that is not cool, but I’m wired that way and passion doesn’t grow for me.

I was not only thinking how odd it was that she and I can just talk, but I was also thinking how good it is that when she challenges what I say that she gives me examples about what others do, etc., but doesn’t attack me or make a fundamental attribution error saying that decisions that I make, make me who I am, when in fact, they are simply decisions and not character flaws.  I also don’t like having my words dissected so they can be used as evidentiary support for why I have ulterior motives or am being deliberately evasive.  Why does my ex still have my heart?  Well, because in matters of the heart, rational thoughts don’t enter in as much as we’d like.  I told my new friend that it would really be great if I had a switch over my left breast, but I don’t, so I will just have to gain some understanding on Sunday and then make some rules.

She thinks that I will continue this waiting around thing, and I assured her that I won’t.  Otherwise, “coffee” would not have had those kinda thrilling aspects when I got compliments, or when we smiled as often at each other as we did.  I am glad she is taken, because I don’t want the swing through the rebound with a girl like her, and I really need to get my act together before I date again.  But, after some connection and time, I would be ready to date another girl again.

I wonder what Sunday will hold.  I think that I know because she is pretty transparent.  I think that she has now had ample time to build up her case for why I messed up our relationship.  That’s fine if that it is what she has to convince herself of, but I know that we’d have been fine if she didn’t start breaking up with me after the first of the year, and by the third round of it, I just tended to agree with her.  The final straw was the dramatic going into the spare bedroom when I was not only not near her or was I talking to her.  Honestly, when I think about that, I wonder why I even went up there over Memorial Day?  When you know that you have  a few good days with someone and then she goes back into a cycle of worry and anxiety, which translates into her attacking you, that will probably always be her pattern.  I don’t understand why she has my heart actually, and I wonder how long it will take to have it be ready and open for something new?

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Naked

There is this song by the BoDeans that talks about being completely vulnerable, and the song title is the namesake of this post.  I figured that I would get some readership given the obsession with sex that American society has, but really to have excellent sex with someone you are also expressing some sort of vulnerability or connection with the other person.  A friend of mine sent me a Ted link today, which a presentation by a Social Work Professor in TX, and she said that in order to actually connect to another person, you must embrace completely that you are worthwhile.

I am worthwhile, and I don’t feel ashamed that I gave my whole soul and told many personal things that I had not expressed previously during my most recent relationship.  I took risks.  I have grown.  I have refined what I want and my psychologist (Who I pay) told me that I’m getting closer.  I think that I’m there and when I meet her, I will just know, and we will connect and build what we want and can attain.

Possibility

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Golden Silence

It’s really golden to not get contact, and I know that because I said that she should come to me if she wants to see me, she won’t.  Want to know why?  I think that I do.  Because if she can’t control the parameters and things are not as she is used to, which is coming to her when you need something from her, she doesn’t feel comfortable or does she want it.

Now, there isn’t any intrusiveness.  I do my thing and she makes no contact.  It’s today that I realize that she won’t either.  She will contact me again in the fall.  When those colors abound and she remembers her son crawling through the leaves, mine throwing them with sticks and dirt, and us sharing that moment where we loved each other very truly and very deeply and looked at each other in another silent moment.  However, that one was different than the emotion that is yielded by silence now.

I love this song.  It is exactly what I’m thinking as of late as I can’t move much due to injury and am both contemplative and full of dreams for my future with the right woman.   I want to just be with a girl, and not overthink, and I definitely want a woman who takes what I say at face value and doesn’t dissect my words.  I have integrity and I embrace truth.  Looking back on my last five years, I have not settled, and I won’t.  There is a girl who is smart, sexy, fit, funny, and is ready to love me and my son.

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The Right One

I wonder if anyone truly keeps a relationship together.  I know one happy married couple, and they moved from here with their one son in 2008, and they have since had one more, so my boy and I lost some wonderful playdate potential when that occurred.  They still seem happy given posts on a social networking site, but I don’t really know because the days of our walks around the park and then coming home and watching our boys play until her partner got off work in the summer are over because they have been gone 4-years.  I knew another happily wed dyad, but they were in mediation last Thursday.  She fell out of love with him and he is behaving really badly now and has decided to sleep with her former best friend.  Their divorce will probably finalize before 2012 is gone.

I could have remained in that state of unhappiness.  We were not intimate and we were either silent or we argued, and this pattern lasted about 4 or 5-years, I believe.  Two separations and the final one was permanent in 2007.  That’s not what I’m looking for though, and I’d rather have some lasting connection that also includes sex.

She told me that we could talk f2f.  Having been angry with me because I don’t contact her much, she had left me a why bother VM while I was cleaning up on Sunday.  I had taken a quick 15-mile bike ride to warm up my body and then got back before church and jumped in the shower.  So, we talked for a sec when I called her back, and I said that I would call her in the evening and asked what would be a good time.  She told me that she couldn’t say and just to call her, but she wound up calling me when I left my kickball game early.  We made plans to see each other by meeting in between.

About two-and-half-hours later she cancelled because she said that we didn’t have a toolbox for seeing each other and that nothing has changed.  It hurt.  In fact, I’ve been crying off and on at intervals anyway, because that’s what I do now, and that is hurt.  I found out later that she was worried that we would have sex in her car, and doesn’t want that element.  I definitely gathered the latter on Memorial Day weekend.  I don’t even fully enjoy social stuff and would rather either be alone or talking with my son.  One of my best friends took me out, and then we went back to her house too on Sunday.  She is cooking dinner for my son and I tonight, but I’m so weary of this dance after nearly 5-years.  I’m ready to cook and be cooked for and live with a girl.  Joan Osborne says, “And you ask me to convince you that you won’t blow away.”  That’s a tall order…  Maintaining love and connection.

I think that keeping a relationship together requires honest and open conversations that probably should occur a couple times a week.  What I’ve noted is that I piss a girl off, and she tells me about it later after I’ve already fucked more things up.  With the drunk, we didn’t really fight, because we were quickly stagnant.  We didn’t really have any passion.  I do understand that passion comes with a price, because you will fight like that too, but I’m looking for the ability to move through conflict and to just say, “Let’s do our best to stay together in this rather wild world.”

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Gentle Cycle

I don’t know how exactly we came up with it when we talked for two-hours last night, but it’s true.  It’s not that we lost sweetness, it’s that we lost being delicate with one another and that certainly is mutual.  I explained to her that navigating January and February, which didn’t have that committed in a long-term feel to me made me unsteady, so it seemed sorted by March.  However, let’s be honest, if it’s June and I’m still grasping for the whys, it is not at all nipped or tucked.

I was talking about being delicate, and I said something like we need that delicate cycle and she made the washing machine analogy about being gentle.  That means that we need to rid ourselves of the old exchange too, and for some reason she hangs on to it.  I don’t get that.  It has that back and forth quality too, which as I have written, I can’t stand.  I get that we are a product of what we have seen and experienced in our family of origin, but I just think that moving forward based on what one wants is healthy and good.

I just come back to the fact that we need therapy to continue.  She doesn’t trust me, and has said so, which is based on an e-mail that I sent at the beginning of last October (before we had even slept together) and thinks that one more bad fight would destroy the chance for a friendship even.  I don’t see it that way.  At some point around the first of the year, she made the conscious decision to push me away, and then when she does, she can’t deal and misses me desperately.  We can work this situation out and learn to communicate well, or we can’t.  If she won’t go, we can’t continue with relationship contact and will need to just take some space.  I will hurt, but love does, right?

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Thinking of what once was

Maybe it’s harder to put the nail in the coffin rather than have a woman tell you to fuck off.  I don’t know…  I can tell you that after her texting me over and over and starting it all at 7, and telling me that she would be relentless until I get it, put me in the most messed state that I have ever been in to date.  Makes my coming out affair, which also meant that I had to tell the world that I’m gay, and switching jobs, single parenting, and living alone except for my 21-month-old all within 4-months seem manageable.  I can’t stop crying and it’s totally fucked when what her texts and phone calls have yielded is that she still is in love with me and this will be the choice that I forever regret.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W-yA_gtmDo

I have no idea.  I just can’t navigate the push-pull anymore.  I want someone into me and open with me when I trigger her.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m abrasive and straightforward.  I need a girl who asks me questions or puts the halt on me right away.  I feel like she tends to just use things later anyway.  It’s like an attorney or detective who is looking for evidentiary support for why she wins.  I don’t want a competition.  I just want to work with a partner.  I sure as hell don’t want to feel like this much longer, but I won’t be taking her back.

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Dating: My Retrospective

I had to throw out a whole pot of coffee this morning.  It was a great metaphor.  I used to be too weak.  I’d put up with shit for a long, long time in relationships that I just shouldn’t have.

I realized that I should send my five-year saga into the world today to stop giving it energy over me.  I think that it will help.  Prior to 2007, the only thing that had happened is that I had two covert gfs.  One in high school and one in college–both of whom I was “caught” with–then this buddy of mine fell in puppy (non-lasting) love with me and pursued me for quite some time, so the second time he asked me to marry him, I consented, told myself that five-and-a-half-years of my life was “experimentation” and then was married to a man for 9-years.  Then, as I had written in earlier entries, folks who had not seen me in awhile would say, “______, is married?!?  To a man?!?!?!?”

My coming out affair started when I touched her hand and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!”  So, I did avoid her, but since I worked with her, I had “dealings” with her and I had to do things electronic or interoffice mail.  When I would have to greet her, I wouldn’t make eye contact, so I wouldn’t feel my pulse come out of my chest.  I didn’t have to work directly with her for two-and-a-half-years so it was ok.  She was at the office Christmas party about ten-months before I ever slept with her and she was in a black suit and was pretty thin, so I went up to her and said, “You look skinny and beautiful.”  And she said, “I love you,” which would become a joke later when we were together.

I booted my ex-husband nine-months after that party (We had been separated before we had our son three years earlier and he lived in another state for four-months.) and then she and I started a red hot affair three-weeks later.  She dumped me and tore out my heart, because it was a coming out affair and nothing like hs or college antics.  She was not a bi-curious straight girl who could feel my gayness, but she was a real lesbian, and then I knew right then, that I was too.  I think that after a divorce, you have a rebound.  Mine was a gay rebound, so I had to face who I really was, and then embrace it.

I did lots of shitty, sexless dating for a full year, because I struggled picking up the pieces of my heart.  She did cause heartbreak, because it was the first time, albeit silly love, that I really felt love.  She and I had a December full of push-pull and the last time we slept together was a few days before the New Year.  (I have a four stage entry that is really, really long about the whole journey.)  What really sticks with me were her green eyes as she left my bedroom after we had made love (for the last time) over and over, and she said, “I’m not convinced that this ever needs to happen again.”  She left.  The only thing that she would tell me is that she never wanted to be a mother, and that she was so far past being “anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.”  I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months.

Then it was over a year of dating all the Ms. Wrongs and Not-Even-Closes, and I was celibate.  I rarely smiled, got really skinny, and did other self-destruction.  My energy was saved for parenting my son and that was all that I did with passion.  Next, a year and a week later, entered my Cowgirl.  We had a “lesbian one night stand,” so it lasted two weekends.  Here is what I wrote about her when I realized that she and I couldn’t really date, because it was a mismatch:

“You get bent out of shape when I text you twice in the same day–weird.” “You have only had a ten-month relationship prior to now, and that was with a woman whose girlfriend was overseas at the time–weird.” “You don’t give me a single compliment.” There were also some other things that are superficial that would be even odder to mention, so I didn’t. I did tell her rather diplomatically that I was looking forward to seeing a woman last weekend admidst my final classes of one particular course that I’m finally done taking. However, she did not understand that when I said, “I want to be your friend,” that I really did mean just that.  Plus, we were just investigating in person chemistry and she wasn’t a gf.  I had been e-mailing one woman who I found intriguing, but she was bizarre.  Enter, the Gemini:

I wound up feeling really empty, so I e-mailed this other woman a rather ballsy thing that I wouldn’t do typically that I thought would shut down our communication… I said, “Do you want to grab coffee or a beer?” and she said, “Yes.” She showed up too. We dated for two-months and I did like her.  She was an outdoor person, a musician, and hot as shit.  Plus, she was into me.  But, she didn’t manage stress well, so she dumped me when we went on a hike.  Here it is:

I told her that a lot of her stress is coming from her work. She has a big deal in two weeks, which will involve her ex-girlfriend, her sister with whom she is extremely close, and is reminiscent of her deceased father. I also told her that it seemed like all of this between she and I was too soon, for a variety of reasons. I also told her that I had been nothing but respectful to her, and she acknowledged that it had been “all her,” in terms of making moves sexually. I’m not actually sure if she is able to be a consistent person even when she is not in the throes of this much stress. It has a flavor that leaves me full of caution.

I did, and I’m glad about this statement, tell her that I would not have been contacting her so frequently had she not held me under the stars three weeks ago and whispered that “Sunday was a long time away,” and she said, “I’m not saying that I’m right.” It wasn’t a competition, but two weeks before had confused me when she called me every night, and I said as much. I told her that I wanted to tell her something and that I didn’t want to sound patronizing. She said “Say it.” I told her that this whole interaction over the past three weeks had made me approach her with such hypervigilance that I was worried about saying it, but she told me that it was fine. I told her that I hoped that she could get healthy, because right now, she has too much going on.  I drove home and was angry, but I didn’t date her again; although, she wanted to.

Two months later, the drunk comes into my life.  We had a very fun summer fling in 2009, but it should have stopped there and would have had I not had one of the most stressful falls that I have ever had, but she contacted me on New Year’s Eve, and I had before called off a stupid friendship with her because she was not monogamous, which I could have cared less about because it was a summer fling and I really just wanted a steady stream of sex that summer, and we had no foundation for friendship.  No contact for three-months, and I was fine.  However, she broke up with this girl who pressured her to become exclusive only to three-months later text me.  I think that was because she had seen me two weeks earlier.  I had written this:

So I finally saw the woman who I slept with all summer an hour or so ago. It was odd, because I didn’t care at all. It was weird for a minute and then I settled into the bar and it didn’t matter at all. She could have been a girl who I merely met a couple of times, but it was even less warm, and I slept with her all summer and she disclosed lots of personal stuff to me. The oddest thing is that a bar owner who I know was at this cowboy bar and told my friend and I to come to her bar and we would not have to pay a cover, so we did after an hour or so, and then she was there as well–feeding the jukebox.

She was merely standing there, alone, feeding the jukebox; although there was a DJ, and she was also half-heartedly watching hockey while nearly everyone in the place was dancing. I know this is my stuff, and not her stuff, but it seriously made me wonder what she will be doing in 5-years? Sipping tequila, and getting loaded in her early 40s is a strong possibility. We didn’t talk at this location and had a stilted hug and odd interactions at the first bar.

Another interesting element is that I was just getting some bravado and telling my friend that I needed another f-buddy. I don’t need that! Absolute indifference to someone who I know way too much about and does not know shit about me… I really don’t want this level of indifference and do not desire to become apathetic. It is interesting to me, but very weird. I guess she didn’t get that job in the southeast as she is still here.

However, she did eventually get a different job, and we then did distance, which I stopped wanting to do after three-months, but we had invested money in hotels and plane trips, so I didn’t.  I didn’t want to move.  I love where I live, and then I realized that it was not that she hated it here and drank to cope, it was just that she really was an alcoholic.  She is loaded all of the time.  I’m not dating a drunk.

I met my first love right afterward.  My ex still has my heart and it is going to take some time.  What’s good is that sublimation can happen right now because I have a lot of work in my yard and doctorate, and my son is taking a theater camp, so he will have a school schedule, so I can also follow a schedule after dropping him off in a few weeks.  I’m going to chart out my whole summer and part-time work.  I’m excited and I know that it will be the best summer that I’ve ever had.  I will be free of her saying that I lack compassion, whereas, I think that I have been nothing but patient with her for five-months, and just can’t do that dance anymore.  I want to be single, or have someone who is completely into me and wants to rip my clothes off.  I will do either and this is the path that I’m currently on.  I did a lot of weird dating before I got here, and in my last relationship, I was completely in love, gave my whole heart, and I have NO regrets.

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Synchronicity

I was thinking about Pat Benatar (Thus my subject line in this post, which evokes her box set.) earlier in the day because I’m going to sing on Friday night.  I am going to do that too, and am committing it to the Internet now so that I have accountability.  What could happen is just tons of sex and never leaving the house, but I want to go out, and think that if we can really make a fresh start, we should date.  Like really date.  We don’t do that.  With the infrequency that we can see each other we mainly wind up having sex for hours and hours and then not sleeping much, which kills her because she only gets two nights off and her son is MUCH younger than mine and has crummy sleep patterns.  My boy is at an easy and fun age.  I can sleep when I’m not nursing microbrews and staying up waaaay too late.  People who tell you that 0 – 3 is great should be at least maimed.  They are probably telling you that because they want to delude themselves into thinking that raising children is fulfilling 24-7.  Newsflash…  It is ANOTHER ft job.  That’s the plan for Friday (karaoke), but clearly the universe is putting ex’s and suitors into the lives of those who I know (and me) as of late, so I’m brought to my next topic, which in a slightly buzzed state shall be more stream of consciousness that my usual voice (fair warning).

So, one of my friends from MS who knows my real ex (not to be construed with the woman who I thought was my ex who I’d give anything to make love to tonight, but have to wait 2-more days to have) had this guy drop off the face of the earth for weeks and he just reconnected with her.  I don’t trust that he will stick though, because he presents like a flake per her descriptors.  My BFF who lives in the same state as my buddy from MS is falling in love with this guy (Sorry, many of my friends are str8.) who is being super casual with her right now and is at a breaking point with him–which was like my holding pattern in early 2010–with my real ex–and she is messed about him, but her ex in addition to several other “dark horses” not-so-much in the running, are suddenly and concurrently texting her.  And  while we were talking about that via phone last night, my REAL ex e-mailed me.  She e-mailed me because my BFF took my I-thought-you-were-an-ex off her Friends List and my real ex is kinda stalker-ish and scary.  No contact since Christmas Eve.  And then her e-mail comes through right when I’m talking to my BFF who is falling in love and doesn’t want to (with Mr. Casual).  Lovely.  I have never mentioned that my real ex is now armed, have I?  Even better!

So, I needed my girlfriend.  Not my ex.  She is my girlfriend, even if she is so scared of me and taking a chance.  She called me and we talked it through.  She thinks that I need to sleep on the unsettling, and not-so-out of the blue e-mail and then approach her with compassion.  As it is me, I don’t think I’ll engage, but I will know tomorrow.  I know in my heart that because my BFF took my current girlfriend off of her social networking friends list last week that my ex now thinks she can get back into dating me.  That is crazy.  1) She is a drunk.  2) She is pretty scary and I’m glad that she lives 6-states away from my son and I.  3) She thinks I am single and is contacting me now, and 4) She is armed.

No full moon, but ex’s coming out of the woodwork and suitors wanting to all get their game on with the women who I know.  My girlfriend’s ex-partner “dropped in” on her last Tuesday (We had reconnected intimately that Monday) and tried to talk to her about her failing marriage.  My girlfriend approaches her with compassion, but it is weird that she dropped in the day after we decided that calling it quits was not an option.  Furthermore, all of this relationship dissension is bizarre.  I’ll look at the patterns tomorrow after I sleep.  This week is weird, weird, weird.

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Looking for difference

So, she had texted and HeyTell’ed in the morning, and while I responded she figured that since I was unable to sleep after we talked for two-hours the night before, that I would want nothing to do with her.  I think that a major difference between she and I is that she goes with a particular and makes all kinds of assessments based on it and then quickly derives a decision.  I might do that with shoes, a dress, or even my bike, but I don’t do that in any other area of my life.  I knew when I woke up that I was still in love with her.

So, I called her and we talked all the way into my work and then I sat in my parking lot for another 45-minutes.  I won’t lie and say that the convo was without tension.  She really came unhinged when I told her that I talked to a girl and got her number.  (Later she did realize that reaction was strange as we were completely broken up, and she apologized.)  Again, because I’m writing I must be honest.  I liked that she was still so very much in love with me, and that she missed me so desperately.  Later she admitted this in  a raw and naked e-mail.

I went back to saying that we could not share space because it would be sexual.  She e-mailed that maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with that, but that we had to consider things.  I had completely accepted her apology and continued to think about what had happened to three sisters who I know when they lost their mother.  It is just not normal to loose your mother or father until you are in your 40s or 50s and if it happens when you are young, you do some things that are uncharacteristic afterward and most especially within those first few weeks of shock.  Could it be that she was right when she had told me Sunday night that she really is that person who I fell in love with last fall?  Could the first few months of this year be truly colored by grief and then our mutually-fed fervor of future?  The latter should just organically work out after a year or so, right?

God, I did want her.  There is an intimacy that we share that borders on something that is pure and is otherworldly.  I had e-mailed her yesterday about our lovemaking–I will point out was after Monday–which borders on transcendence.  And it does.  She is on business this week, but didn’t fly out until yesterday morning, so she said that she could meet me at my house Monday afternoon.  I took two hours of sick leave and held her for a long, long time in my livingroom.  I could feel her muscles under her thin and soft leather jacket and after a long period, I kissed her neck and found her mouth.  That level of passion is like nothing.  I used to think that things like that were bullshit made up for media (movies, songs, etc.), but with her it is a derivative of our connection.  We had about an hour and used it well.

Now, she is not here, but we have gone back to contact.  But, she’s different.  There is no jealousy and resentment.  I think that we can get something new that is not spurned on by what we’d like five-years from now.  Immediacy is the only area in which we can operate.  I will certainly honor that and do believe that with distance it is hard not to hurt, but the trade-off is passionate love.  Who can really say that they have that?

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Shared Meaning

I can tell you what I’m looking for…  Not a woman who is exactly like me, but one who is open to discovering with me and has that sense of adventure.

I’m not sure that I have been approximating what a well-lived life is, because sometimes I am not balanced, so I’d rather reflect on I what everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus.  So, at least for today, I will write about what I value.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  The sound of water creates pause in my whole being.  I also like the noise that water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up.  When you begin a summit there is water around typically and I love knowing that growth is implicit in my surroundings.

Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy.  Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations.  Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that just unfold naturally, and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.  Organic flow is what I really mean when I think of adventure.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are somethings that I also value.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, around trails or on a singletrack.  I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.  I am sooooo looking forward to my new road bike.  I can’t wait to take her on her virgin ride and see a sunrise on her.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, and that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful and teach me things that I don’t know yet.  I’m prone to fantasy, but it is not just an escape for me, but rather I tend to think of it as what I see in my mind’s eye as a possible future.  When I imagine this partner, in one fantasy, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did.  She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near loud rushing water when the table is up and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets.  She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.
That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my sense of meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team (as co-parent that is my more pragmatic side, but is equally important for my shared meaning that I hope to have).  Life is like rushing water, but your partner can hold your hand, be by your side, or simply look into your eyes and you know you are together.  My sense of meaning comes from the knowledge that although independent, I am not alone.
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Chillax

She always says that to me when she is finally heading home and we are talking on the phone.  Admittedly, she doesn’t do it really during the week, and I know that because she doesn’t, so she tends to deeply resent our situation and sometimes me too.  I was livid the day before yesterday when we hung up because it was like talking a corpse.  Why bother?  Three-and-a-half-hours later, she HeyTell’ed and apologized and said that she didn’t have good coping skills during the week.  I said that I think that it is more that she wants someone shoulder burdens of life with her and I’m hobbled from 40-miles away, which is true.  Of course, she took that as that I want out soon.  OMG!!!

I told her that love her and I want to have some conversation about shared meaning (what we value about life), but not for a couple of months.  And, I don’t.  We should date.  We never have dated.  She is completely tanked by the weekend, so we eat and sometimes watch part of a movie on a Friday night.  We have also done some Sunday night connection time when she doesn’t have hers, but I have always had mine less two nights.  We parent and half-assed date.  Time to enjoy dammit!  I’m making a quiche tonight–where the hell does one find a picnic basket that will accommodate a pie plate–and putting together fruit and stuff.  We will hike and then I have a little entry that I decided not to blog about being outside, cooking, music and adventure.  I’m going to read it to her under the trees and then we will actually catch a movie.  We haven’t done that (just the latter) since December.

Sunday would have been hot for about an hour, but my son decided that cleaning our living room was above him and acted like a total ass.  He slammed his door on her son and got his finger stuck in it.  He was contrite, but I’m tired of his tantrums.  We have had a good week, but the expense was that he did something in a fit and hurt her boy on Sunday, so the outcome is that he is guilt-ridden and well-behaved this week.  We wound up playing in an indoor playground in a mall by my house and it was fun, and she was really understanding.  I’m grateful that she has raised two other kids and understands that sometimes kids are in foul moods and have tantrums.  Not fun though.  We would have hiked, but it was too windy so we had to switch gears.  I wasn’t expecting company so my house was too messy, but we made it work mostly.  My son did a bunch of good stuff last night and asked me to call and leave a message for the psychologist who we saw twice and will work again with this summer.  He knows what he should be doing, but is too smart sometimes and admittedly manipulative.  I would much rather co-parent him with someone.

Tricky business, that.  I haven’t known her long enough honestly.  Breaking up with her directly was the best thing that I could have done though, because she is reflecting more and certainly not leading with what’s wrong with us.  There is something wrong with everyone and most kids; although much of the latter can be due to developmental things that kids have going on for them.  Finding your common ground and seeing if you want to build something takes time.  I have to be down here for another 15-months because of school and my work contract, so we have time.  IMHO, she will have to adjust to the miles because I can’t pop over there much with the exception of summer, and it’s not impromptu or “Hey, I was thinking of you, can we have dinner together?”  She will have to adjust to being completely alone, and ultimately, that is good for her.

A friend was talking to me on the phone last night and reminded of something that I said five-years ago and had honestly completely forgotten.  When I did my final separation (We had been separated for four-months three years previous), I told my friends, “It is going to be hard to be alone, but ultimately, I know that is what I need and how I will grow.”  That year was the hardest one that I’ve had, I think.  At least it was top three for difficulty, but I learned so much about who I am.  I think that she needs to miss me, think about things, and get stronger on her two feet without the distraction of taking care of another woman or just having one around fairly easily.

So, now, onto tomorrow.  I want to have a beautifully romantic date.  I want to enjoy her turquoise eyes and laugh tons.  That’s the intention that I have for Friday.

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Stairsteps

I’m nearly positive that she wants it to be over.  We had a terrible conversation yesterday.  We have our face-to-face on Friday night.  She still flies off the handle and gets really stern and short.  And, honestly, that she doesn’t think that she does the back and forth is truly bizarre to me, but I guess that there’s two sides to every story.  When I listen to her talk about her ex-partner (She has had two.), I can hear that break-up / make-up in it too.  However, I can’t do that.  I think and observe, and when it’s over, it’s over for me.  And I’m pretty sure that’s where I am too.

I know that I’ve written what I want.  What I don’t want is someone who can’t take me positively and from the point of what she wants.  Remember that line in “Beautiful Girls,” when the heroine from “Goonies” who is no longer a teenager says, “One makes a decision based on what one wants, not what one doesn’t want.”  I would stay with her if we could meet half-way twice a month and do couples counseling.  That’s it.  Otherwise, I don’t think that we are doing well enough to stay together.

Yesterday, I wanted to make love to her.  It sucked.  Physically, she is really consuming.  The thing is that when you have two or maybe even three kids in the house, that stuff becomes less frequent, because you’re really tired.  So, if you have that classic Avoidance-Attack pattern in the mix too, you would probably never have sex again.  So, we can choose at the six-month mark to work through our large problems with someone who we pay or we can bounce.

I’m at that point where the push and pull for me is more part and parcel of my grief.  I’m reasonably sure that we can’t do anything about our problems without getting an outside perspective.  I just miss her a ton and remember all the good that we had the first three-months that we were together, and I think that if she was more solid about me, we’d have more.

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Learning to listen

So, maybe I don’t listen fully.  I think that I have been rendered so much on the defensive–honestly, it’s like warding off blows–that I’m probably just talking to deflect.  I know that I’m not a bully though.  That is complete shit.

I have this book on keys to a strong and loving marriage, and I think that I do a lot of the things in it that are good, but I obviously don’t listen enough to her.  That seems to be her strongest complaint.  That I’m selfish and don’t listen or do I respond to her needs is what she says when she is telling me why she is not sure that she wants to invest any time in it.  There are these A’s that you can follow when you have a chronically angry partner.  They are to agree, apologize, and then add.  So, it would look like this I think, “I can follow through on making sure that I have tied up loose ends that I promised this weekend.  I’m sorry that I didn’t make it a priority.  I felt like I would get around to it, but things were so shaky in January and February that I went remote.”

I think that it’s hard to listen well all the time.  However, I do want to give this a fair shot over the next two months.  I do love her.  I don’t know if we can or if she would even like to do so.  I can’t control her, but would like to see if we can rebuild our foundation and get back to what’s important, which is simply loving each other.

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We shall see

So, I have a date tonight.  It will be great to actually see her because it’s been five-days.  My psychologist said that we are just in the basket of relationship, which can get scrunched, and we have to just show up each day.  Yesterday was not a very good day.  I was exhausted having worked 7 – 4:30 and then had to rush to get food and take my son to sports.  When we got home, we were just a few minutes from his bedtime, but he was hungry again.  I read to him and got him squared away and then was chilling, and listening to music.  She said a couple of things that were nasty.  I was just tired.  “Baby, you sound exhausted,” would have been easier for me to receive than a completely unfounded accusation and telling me had it been true that she’s dump me.

That is not a goodnight.

However, being naturally pragmatic, I am keeping my date tonight and seeing if we can also see each other on Sunday as well.  I need to tell her that was a poor message to have last before I did drift off to sleep.  However, I slept great, and did get up in time to workout and even lift a little bit this morning.  My goal that I want to start this week is developing my upper body.  I have definition, but overall I’m weak and when you consider how strong my legs are, that should be more even.  More…  Balanced.

I do not feel balanced in terms of my relationship right now.  Again, I had said that I would develop a mantra a couple of weeks ago, which now I see more as a broken record.  I would like her to be my future, but I don’t know where or when.  I know that she only wants one thing, but I’m hoping that we can just enjoy.  Honestly, if it gets really caustic like it has been, that is not enjoying.

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So?

What do I do now?  I kinda wish that I had been writing two falls ago when I knew that I had a shelf life with my ex, but the analogy is so poor because I only got caught up in wanting us to work for about three-months and then I spent an inordinately long time realizing that we never would and that really she just wanted to control me by having me far, far away from everything that I knew.  This situation is totally different, because not only am I completely in love and respect her, but she doesn’t want to control me, she just wants a life for herself and her son that is predictable and that she knows.  I get that, because I want to do that too.  I also know what my life is like where I live and now with it currently getting so much warmer, and I will soon be having some time off, it means that I can be outside within seconds.

I don’t like being in the car.  In fact, I hate it.  I used to live rural when I was in school and when I had rotations for school in other towns, I would put 600-miles on my car within a week and my back would be completely compressed all night.  It’s 90-miles a day just from her house to my building.  My current route is 16 total (roundtrip).  Anyone with kids will tell you that this amount of driving also takes you away from your kids that long too.  Unfair to my son who sees me within minutes when he needs me, and also puts a brand-new dynamic on our mother-son relationship.

I called one of my good friends who I see monthly for dinner at my house.  She gets along with my son so well too and is great with kids.  She popped over and had dinner with me and we all took a walk.  She told me that if I moved because she works really far south, she could see me three times a year meeting at a mid-point.  This example is just one of many, because my friends are very busy with their lives and children, etc., so it would take really concerted effort to get together.  I wouldn’t see some of the people who pull me out of my head at intervals and who I share meals with frequently.

Then, there is the matter of my parents and my son’s Dad not being able to do much with him without careful planning.  Blood matters.  It just does, and they should be able to get to him within 20-30 minutes.  It is really picking up my whole life and moving it; although, it’s the same state.

The main difference about this move and the one I considered for a second is that she already has a gig and people with whom she feels connected, and a entire outdoor routine up there.  I have built the latter for the cold months this year, and will continue to expand my repertoire for outdoor stuff where I am.  I get a bit down when it’s cold, and that is sad, because honestly, it is never really cold here.

When I was considering moving, I realized that I could not be outside as much as I liked where my ex lived.  That really didn’t matter much to her, because she was not healthy in general.  My ex did not have a circle of friends yet where she was and was willing to try another town so we could build something.  I’m not saying that I miss the drunk, I’m just saying that we could have built some new things together in a new location for us both.

I realized that she doesn’t give up anything at all if I move.  I give up a lot.  I also am giving up tons with a woman who really does have a laundry list of complaints about me; although, I do know that she is in love with me.  I’m looking for less rigidity and some celebration of me and what I offer.  I think that we will probably have to redefine and it may be soon.  I know that she told me to take the next 6-months so I can fall in love with where she lives, but honestly, in addition to liking how close everything is where I live and all of the opportunities that I have to expose my son to such as diversity, classes, and other learning opportunities without the commute, I also don’t want to be in my car 90-miles a day for half the year and miss my friends all the time.  It’s a recipe for later resentment for a woman who really doesn’t want to shake things up for herself.  She knows what she wants.  I feel like an add-on again, and I definitely felt that two-years ago.  I want a girl to choose me and build something that WE decide.

Honestly, I can’t really exit until it is inevitable, because I love our intimacy.  Obviously, I don’t have any band width to date because it’s like entering into something with a cheater.  I think of her all of the time.  I guess she was right to lead with us having an expiry date, and the aftermath of what our redefinition will look like is going to be painful.  I’m not anxious for it to start, honestly.

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She told me she will never move

So, I was floored.  I got mean.  I apologized.  I want to hold that she didn’t come at me from a place of love, but at first that we had a shelf life, which colored the whole conversation and fucking crushed me.  I think at this age that you don’t fit neatly into a woman’s life.  It’s also complicated when you are blending kids that you birthed independent of one another and have dreams for them.

I want:

1. Someone to build a life WITH me and being willing to make compromises

2. Sexy

3. Smart

4. Funny

5. Sees good in me

6. Adaptable and balanced with her approach to things

I’m going to ask if I can come to her on Friday and play with her son on Saturday this weekend.  I’m actually going to do it right now.  I am not as raw as I was that she didn’t approach me from a place of love now, because love for her bike and lake is greater because it’s longer-term.  That is actually a good analogy for most things.

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I can feel her

Oh, my girl and I have had some nice exchanges, messages, and direct conversation this week!  It’s amazing to be this connected to a woman and that is brand new for me.  I’m no stranger to when I’m dating someone to watching my phone and being encouraged when she calls or texts, but with her, I can sense her and we have synchronistic channellings of each other.  It’s odd to be with a girl who you are so much alike and sometimes that makes the sparks fly when we disagree or just have a different timing or less intense reaction.  It’s completely bizarre for me to be with a girl more intense than me too.

Again, I used to be like her.  Friends called me a hothead and now I’m more into waiting and then engaging when I feel solid and know what I’m going to say.  I have cultivated a lot of patience and it serves my son and I well.  I’m also patient with her.  She gets down because I forget some things or repeat something that I’ve said.  Like I’ve held for a long time, she has high standards.  I know that my standards were not lowered, it was just that I had resigned myself to thinking that it was not in my path to have a partner.  Now, I’ve revised my list.  Revisions occur because I’ve found my partner.

1. I want someone who is willing to gamble and shake it up with me.

2. #1. Includes building a life with me in a place that is new for both of us.

3. Making new paths together and valuing the close ones who matter.

4. Listening fully and openly to concerns that I have.

5. Realizing that I’m the one who she wants.

These are the intentions that I’ve been putting out for a week solid.  They have resulted in some good interchanges coming to fruition.  We are really on the same page right now.  I don’t want her to think about the future per se, but just love time with me and be open to us as a possibility.  We are honestly building our future currently.  The only thing I think that I need to practice now is saying, “Shh…  Let’s be still and enjoy.  There is now, and we are each other’s future.  Let’s work that out in the fall when our calendar has completely turned together.”  I’m feeling a new energy, and dammit, I LIKE it.

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What a difference a day makes

And a night.  Amen.  I want this venture to work.  I know that now that I’m older and certainly wiser that I’m ready to get married.  I want to build a whole life out of choices and experience mystery and that unfolding that only comes when someone ignites everything inside of you.  When she talks about things, I get hot.  When she looks into my eyes, I meet her gaze and feel heat rising to my face.  When she kisses me, it burns into me.

I have no idea why I told her…  Again, I’m sometimes like Homer Simpson, but I have burned out on kissing everyone.  There was this time period wherein I actually stopped kissing my ex, and then when she would kiss me, I’d stop.  We didn’t even enjoy each other when we were intimate and got sort of a business like approach to it when we did have sex.  Very odd.  There is nothing business-like with my girl.  She fucking slays me.

How does one keep it going?  How do you build trust and how does she know that you are really that boring?  You don’t do anything that is odd or not part of what you mean.  You just want only her and know that if she would let down her guard–not worry, never second-guess, and just take a total leap of faith that you’d do anything for her and her son?

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A little bit of flexibility

So, Friday we spent the night together and it was good to talk and connect.  We were both exhausted, and again, I think that as we are both mothers, Friday nights can be kinda like collapse time rather than anything hot and probably always will have that flavor if we decide to make the plunge.  If we do, I would hold firm that she and I pick something…  Together.  I don’t think that it’s equitable to move into somebody’s house where they have memories from previous stuff and I don’t think that either of us moving into the other’s house makes sense.  She has held firm that my area is NOT an option.  Although I do love it here, and have spent 30-years total in this city, I have some bad memories. I would be willing to move.  Not into anybody’s house.

Let’s go back to the drunk.  She wanted my son and I not only to move 6-states away, but she also wanted us to move into her parent’s house!  Not that they were there yet, but who the fuck wants to live in somebody else’s house?  How is that making dreams and decisions together?!?  And that’s what I’m looking for.  I’m looking for someone to make some decisions WITH me.

The town of compromise actually has some good schools in it too.  Ethnic and cultural diversity is important for me as well, and it’s a stone’s throw away from a great little city.  As long as we could financially make it make sense, I would be down for a move in about two-years.  I could easily give up my house and I would like it if we could make some new friends and connections together.  When you are this age, you don’t always fit into your partner’s friends circle easily.  I think that my friends in general are accepting and just glad that I’m in love for real with someone, and I’ll always see them.

So tonight is actually a date-date.  Which is good.  I need some intimacy and connection in that realm.  It’s odd that I put such a high premium on it, but I do.  With her, it’s so incredible too and has it’s own set of emotions that are tied to it.  You can honestly feel love expressed physically, and I thought that stuff was bullshit until now.  Truly.

Well, it’s not.  She is who I want to build a life with in the future.  I want us to raise our boys and have at least one more kid, but do that together.  Closely aligned with that is that I want us to do everything together, which includes working on the nuts and both conjointly of cohabitation.  I love her.

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Made it through a beginning of the month weekend

The moon is nearly full, is it not?  It was tenuous all weekend and then as usual, something that I said, which followed logically for me was inflammatory for her yesterday.  Shit, just after she had just called me “honey” too.  I think she gets what I was saying now, but it’s so weird to piss off your gf all the time and have to explain yourself.  Part of this is my fault, because the peeps who I hang out with have known me four-years at a minimum.  They get me.  I’m in your face, and totally WYSIWYG.  The thing is that I’m a good person and a nurturer.  I’m not used to be challenged at the character level.  I have a good soul and would do anything for my friends.

So, it still feels like I barely dodged yet another break-up.  It’s a shitty pattern.  I don’t feel safe at all.  It’s the way things are with a woman who has to look for loopholes for a living though, so it’s probably my lot until she trusts me.

I want to be with her this weekend.  I miss the way that she smells and feels.  Friday can’t come soon enough for me and I can’t wait to connect to her.  I love her.

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Maintaining

So, I have completely lost it before after a break-up, but that was well over four-years ago.  If that’s what this hand holds, I won’t go off the deep end and will instead reach out to friends and get things done.  Forward motion is best.  One of my good friends relocated to the East Coast a few years ago because her husband is completing his residency and I was talking to her several weeks ago right after my gf had broken up with me a second time, and she said, “Don’t you get it?  She’s testing to see if you will leave her.”  I was baffled because I won’t.  I’m here, and I have never said anything else aloud or held in my heart that she’s who I want to be with.  Another friend of mine with whom I work said, “You know that she is going to break-up with you again, so all you can do is change your reaction to it.”  I guess that I need to change my reaction to that I have not heard, “I love you,” in five days too, because I do love myself, so I should assume that she loves me too.

I had an appointment with my Psychologist last night and talked through all of it and she said, “She has been through so much and continues to go through more, so what you can do is stay balanced.”  I said, “I don’t want to get broken up with because I can’t do it again!”  She said, “Why?  What will happen if she tells you that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.  You have a lot of evidence and you believe also that she wants to be with you, so why can you not ‘do it’?”  And I really had to ponder that one, honestly.  Why does it matter if I get a cold e-mail or text today?  I can just call her and say, “I don’t want to write or talk about this stuff right now.  Let’s take a week because you have had probably the worse week of your life, and then let’s talk face to face.”  I need to maintain my sense of balance and not get thrown off.  I don’t like being there.  I want to stay with what I want and be stronger than I ever have been.

I guess my other entries were pretty rigid.  I had this sense of what I will and won’t put up with or something.  I want to build a life with her.  She is amazing.  She may be on the fence about me, but I’m certainly not about her, and honestly, my maintaining what is the truth for me is all that I can honor.