Tag Archives: Balance

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30-day trial is not applying right now

I had hot sex last night and this morning with a friend of mine.  She and I have known each other very vaguely, but we have been hanging out a ton since mid-June.  We went out and when the night waned on, I realized that I was going to sleep with her.  She is also vaguely in love with me, which made it flattering.  She is very smart too, so when we talked about our fate and a one-time thing, it was obvious to me that is just want she wanted as well.  It was nice, and it was very nice to forget about my ex for many hours.

The only thing is that she is ready to date, and I can date every other weekend.  Given that she does not have kids of her own, that is what we could do.  I told her what we both already knew…  We are at different stages of life, that I would not bring my son around our dating, and that she is worth way, way more than a rebound thing.  She deserves the whole package.  I need to heal up completely anyway.

I won’t sleep with her again anytime soon.  I want to do social things with girls and build up my circle of friends.  I used to say that I don’t do my friends, and I wouldn’t, but I just wanted arms around me as did she, because for her, it had been a long, long time.  She is a brand-new friend anyway, because I have known of her, but not known her really until last month.  I hope that this intimate connection will be an impetus for her to meet a girl who is not a Mom to date.

The thing that is amazing is how open she is.  My ex doesn’t take anything that I say at face value.  It’s a competition or I am not being truthful.  With this girl who is my friend it is polar opposite–as are her looks–which meant that I had to talk to her somewhat about the obvious reasons for our sex.  I have no regrets.  It made me feel vital and will help cure me of my ex’s spell.

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Leave it

I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.”  I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text.  It’s true.  I  think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship.  That was our normal rhythm.  But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend.  I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real.  And I know that I can leave it…  Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.

I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now.  I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me.  In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday.  She can’t stop thinking about me.  Me.  The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible.  Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls.  So be it.  Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.

My cycling partner’s family was in town last week.  I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset.  I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence.  That is a good analogy for me too.  I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable.  This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too.  Compromise and flow.  I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her.  She is such a genuine person.”  That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there.  Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.

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Realization

I don’t like nominalizations as a general rule, but I guess I am here and that is what the outcome is because I’m completely single and it is one of those abrupt ending things.  I got really angry with her because her approach is competitive and superior.  I realized that would be hard for me and my son to navigate when she and I fought.  I was also really hurt when what I was reduced to was 1) not be willing to drive to me, 2) not sure if I had longterm qualities, and 3) wanting to date in a casual, but exclusive way.  All of smelled of I want you to know how not into you that I am, and you have to chase me while I call all the shots.

I have realized that I am at least initially attracted to these controlling, addict types of women.  They have this appearance and semblance of security wherein they really just want to craft a world that includes how others around them will behave.  I don’t actually miss her, but I miss the way it felt to fall in love with her initially.  How does one keep love going?  I think I could have had I not been attacked so often.  That I do not miss or do I miss the way that she would loose her temper walking her dog or when an employee of hers did something that she didn’t agree with in terms of performance or decision-making.  She is the type of woman who puts others on the constant defense in general.  I think that she likes to be intimidating, because then when those around her have had enough and leave, she can tell herself that they had failings or weren’t accountable.

I used to be so sweet to her.  I was reduced in the end to being hopeful, but ultimately realizing that we would always have an external factor in our relationship, which at the end was halting the physical component in our relationship.  I have great friends and I do get to see them often, but I do live alone with my son and my dog.  I don’t want to be living in this big house without a family that includes partnership.

I learned that I can be rawly vulnerable.  I mastered the ability to connect before and during sexual intimacy.  I developed the desire to keep my body as strong as is possible with many duties that I have.  I have started to put things that are small first in my house so I live in order each day.  I know that I am worthwhile and that I deserve lasting love, and even though everyone says that we all deserve to be loved, I appreciate working toward it and making changes that I can.  I will make mistakes, but I’m willing to behave differently.

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Can’t do crazy

So, she was here for a couple of hours and some change and said that we could date.  Are you kidding?  We talked about your donor and when our timeline could align, etc., and were together for 8-months.  I can’t navigate her control issues and her approach to me.  Done with the push-pull.  Will not ever answer anything from her ever again and am all set.  I just need to heal.

Let’s summarize.  She wants to “date,”  but won’t drive down.  She has no idea if I’m longterm relationship material and just wants to get to know me to see.  I’m afraid that is working with an employee from an escort service, and I know that I could use her Debit card for gas, but again, I’m looking for a partner.  I thought that is what we both were looking for, but she’d rather stay stuck in old patterns and saying that I hurt her too much.  So, I guess it’s a call girl who emotionally triggers you.  No thanks.

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What does she want?

I still don’t understand where she is.  She chats me last week and says that she wants what I want too, eg. being held, co-parenting, and not feeling like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and now the difference between she and I is that she doesn’t really have to have a partner.  Well, make up your mind.  You sure have about not going to counseling, but you still want the cake to consume don’t you?

She tells me that she misses our sex life and that we should try that as an approach.  I told her that I have had a loveless commitment, and I’ve had a fuck buddy, and now I’m seeking partner.  I guess that we have a lot to talk about today.  Again, she plays the role of seductress very well, but it feels like she has to keep one foot out.  I’m worth much more than that.  She said that we can’t make a relationship work, but doesn’t want to be analyzed or does she have time to go to counseling.  Given that she neglected to see the woman who she sees during her father’s last month, death, and disorganized funeral, I do know that the latter is true.  To be true to myself and respect myself, I can say what I want in just over four hours.

  1. I want to share my daily life with someone
  2. I want to wake up next to her and go to bed next to her more nights than not
  3. I want a family and the possibility to have more children
  4. I want to talk about things before they become problematic and evolve into bad patterns
  5. I want someone who even after some time, we still have trouble taking our hands off of each other
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Wonder

So, a brand new friend came over for the traditional 4th of July BBQ last night and we played with my son, talked, ate, laughed and connected.  Notice that I say new, because in fact, I met her at my friend’s going away party last month as that girl was moving to the West Coast.  We get along really, really well.  It’s easy and it will stay easy because of variety of reasons, but it’s sad that she does like me.  That won’t grow for me, because with sexual chemistry, I can feel it immediately and if I can’t imagine things, I don’t stare into your eyes, at your mouth, look at your ass, and glance at your hands, it won’t happen ever.  I know that is not cool, but I’m wired that way and passion doesn’t grow for me.

I was not only thinking how odd it was that she and I can just talk, but I was also thinking how good it is that when she challenges what I say that she gives me examples about what others do, etc., but doesn’t attack me or make a fundamental attribution error saying that decisions that I make, make me who I am, when in fact, they are simply decisions and not character flaws.  I also don’t like having my words dissected so they can be used as evidentiary support for why I have ulterior motives or am being deliberately evasive.  Why does my ex still have my heart?  Well, because in matters of the heart, rational thoughts don’t enter in as much as we’d like.  I told my new friend that it would really be great if I had a switch over my left breast, but I don’t, so I will just have to gain some understanding on Sunday and then make some rules.

She thinks that I will continue this waiting around thing, and I assured her that I won’t.  Otherwise, “coffee” would not have had those kinda thrilling aspects when I got compliments, or when we smiled as often at each other as we did.  I am glad she is taken, because I don’t want the swing through the rebound with a girl like her, and I really need to get my act together before I date again.  But, after some connection and time, I would be ready to date another girl again.

I wonder what Sunday will hold.  I think that I know because she is pretty transparent.  I think that she has now had ample time to build up her case for why I messed up our relationship.  That’s fine if that it is what she has to convince herself of, but I know that we’d have been fine if she didn’t start breaking up with me after the first of the year, and by the third round of it, I just tended to agree with her.  The final straw was the dramatic going into the spare bedroom when I was not only not near her or was I talking to her.  Honestly, when I think about that, I wonder why I even went up there over Memorial Day?  When you know that you have  a few good days with someone and then she goes back into a cycle of worry and anxiety, which translates into her attacking you, that will probably always be her pattern.  I don’t understand why she has my heart actually, and I wonder how long it will take to have it be ready and open for something new?

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Dday

So, I’ve got a week.  That’s good too, because she actually is driving me nuts.  She said that she was thinking about me in a naked way last week, and a few hours later, she called and was sarcastic and flirty, and then we lost signal so she played her game by not telling me why she couldn’t call me back (She could have quickly sent a text.) until she was going to bed.  She is mean and manipulative.  The thing is that saying that to her won’t get me anywhere.  I just want to tell her that I’m not comfortable with much of a friendship until a lot of time has elapsed.  As she makes commenting on my status and activities in addition to pictures that have me in it a religious exercise, she can stalk me since she added me last week (She had taken me off when she told me that I was selfish, negative, and creepy.).  I don’t ever click to her page and may turn off any updates from her soon.

I just need to start getting over her.  My cousin is afraid that I will sleep with her next week and then feel guilty.  She needn’t.  That I won’t do; although, I am sure that she will be seductive, which is another form of her manipulation.  When she asks me directly if I’m either still attracted to her or if I want her, I will answer honestly.  Although I do, it wouldn’t feel right even in the moment because our relationship has gotten so gamey and fucked up.  I will tell her that even though I asked twice about going to couple’s counseling, her non-answer was enough for me.  I will also explain that I just need time off and I just believed that we needed to state our intentions uninterrupted and face to face.  Using her words to “not personalize it” when I don’t contact her at all should be that she understands that in order for me to heal, I don’t want to be intimately connected.  Again, maybe next July we can see what is what, but for now, we should embark on a Christmas card relationship.

We will need parameters and ground rules.  I’m going to ask that we don’t raise our voices.  I have only done that once at the end of a VM, but she is a screamer.  I also want us to completely hear each other out, and when I ask, “What do you think of that?” I would prefer that she tell me rather than say, “I’m just listening” or “I need to process,” because I know what that yields.  She keys up for why I am wrong much, much later rather than just validating how I feel.  That approach makes me really glad that I’m not her girlfriend and makes me not want to ever have her very close.

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The Right Things

I told the psychologist who I pay yesterday that I am doing all the “right things:”  biking, lifting, working in the yard as much as possible, working part-time, seeing my friends, and today I’m going to my cousin’s house so my son can play with his second cousins.  She told me chop wood, carry water is the right approach, and it is.  But, do you know what is even more important?  Getting good sleep!  I feel like a million bucks right now.  I also have a good distraction in that woman who I don’t see really, but who I got a good charge out of hanging with last Wednesday.

I want to be clear, because my only gay friend who I see often gave me a lot of shit about her.  I am not a cheater, and hope that a couple of years from now I am at their commitment ceremony.  However, I’m around if they decide that they don’t have that future thing.  I’m doing my thing an waiting for a girl like her who catches my interest, because I’m ready to be vulnerable and put it out there to try again.  Like John Cusack says in “Say Anything,” “I want to get hurt.”  I’m not a masochist, but I do believe that you have to put it all out there to really keep a lasting love.  I’m willing.

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Girls

So, I had “coffee” with her yesterday…  Because I get up before 7 everyday and at 5 August – May, I don’t actually take in caffeine often after 10, so I accidentally got there super early because I cannot tell well what the time riding will be when I use my new bike, which is very fast, and then I ate a bagel and drank water and waited.  After she got there, she asked if I wanted anything, got herself some tea, and sat down.  We didn’t talk about business.  I think that she was cognizant of that toward the end of our 1.5 long meeting and she quickly began paging through her binder and highlighting what they did.  Hmm…  She also said, “It’s obvious that you workout,” and didn’t tell me that she had a girlfriend until she was leaving.

Her eyes are gorgeous.  What a beautiful shade of green!  She also has the straightest, whitest teeth and wonderfully contagious smile.  I have to admit that her full lips are nice to watch when she talks.  I have to be honest, I was very glad that she has a girl.  I’m so fucked up about my ex, who I haven’t seen in a long time, and probably it will be two months before I do see her (meaning since the last time that I saw her).  We can explore what we are meant to, but I would be smoking pissed if my girlfriend had an hour and and a half long coffee with some girl who she had obvious good chemistry with and she made a reference to her body.  Let’s recall that she also looked at my boobs when we met at the beginning of May.  Good ego boost.

I need to disclose that I have spent 14-years of my life with Pisces.  I also had a coming out affair with a green eyed professional with the most beautiful mouth in the world (2nd Pisces).  This girl who I am getting to know is NOT a healthy clone of the drunk (also a Pisces.), it’s just the hair color and the soft butch presentation.  The drunk was like my ex.  She was full of shit most of the time and had a sales presentation.  I used to have that, and can affect it when I need to, but the drunk uses her presentation to to control conversation and people in certain respects.  This girl is soft and warm.  She is funny too and open and honest.  I felt funny that she knew very little about me, so I told her about my ex in the street when she was leaving.  I liked the way that she used my name when she left.  I tend to overwhelm Cancers, but I think that I wouldn’t with her and hope that we can hang out socially soon.  We are not business colleagues.

Nobility is going to be my approach.  I am curious when her girl moves for work what shape that will take for her.  I told her my experiences with six-states away, but her girl really does want to settle here.  We shall see how they navigate distance.  We shall also see what it feels like if she and I hang out solo when her girl moves.  I will have to exit after a few hours every night if we are going to meet one on one.  I will also have to honestly deal with my attraction–which as I have dated long enough to know is fed mutually–if it grows.  I don’t know.  I just know that coffee was interesting.

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Incredulous

I am that way because I am highly intuitive and know people prior to them showing me their hands, or even if they don’t want me to know them very well, I still have an accurate sense of who people are and how they will move through situations.  In addition to a good gut-level sense of what is what, I’m also an observer and save questions for times that I really need to ask them or want to get the focus off of me.  She and I are highly unlikely to ever be together again because I tripped some serious shit in her.

She’ll come down for dinner at the end of next month, and again, I will listen, but I will be shocked if I even get to explain why I thought that we should go to counseling.  Oh well, there really isn’t a whole hell of a lot that I can do.  I do think that she’d like a closer friendship than I will give her, but that’s not going to happen because someday I really do want a partner and keeping her that close is the classic lesbian pattern with your ex providing everything.  However, it is not the whole package and given that I took 11-years off from it, I will be ready for it when I am ready to date.   I have best friends, and don’t want another one with the exception of what I really like about being in a relationship!

Anyway, I was thinking too, when I was listening to a song by Vertical Horizon how interesting it is that we assign qualities of a deity to our lovers.  She does not, in fact, know what I’m thinking.  I don’t think she wonders about it much either.  She is just paralyzed by the fact that I could be lost to her.  I won’t do that.  I will stay in her life, but not at the expense of me.  Warm and honest, and the truth serum is my approach.  I don’t know if we will shift back into each other’s arms ever again, but I would like to have what I always found to be funny, and that is a “healthy breakup.”

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Naked

There is this song by the BoDeans that talks about being completely vulnerable, and the song title is the namesake of this post.  I figured that I would get some readership given the obsession with sex that American society has, but really to have excellent sex with someone you are also expressing some sort of vulnerability or connection with the other person.  A friend of mine sent me a Ted link today, which a presentation by a Social Work Professor in TX, and she said that in order to actually connect to another person, you must embrace completely that you are worthwhile.

I am worthwhile, and I don’t feel ashamed that I gave my whole soul and told many personal things that I had not expressed previously during my most recent relationship.  I took risks.  I have grown.  I have refined what I want and my psychologist (Who I pay) told me that I’m getting closer.  I think that I’m there and when I meet her, I will just know, and we will connect and build what we want and can attain.

Possibility

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Promise

There are some days that are just harder than others.  The thing that struck me as most odd was the stark contrast to yesterday.  My friend and I literally laughed our asses off and we went for about 33-miles on a ride around the city.  It was phenomenal as was our lunch that we cooked.  Yesterday rocked.  Today was bad.

I got tons of sleep.  I lifted weights.  I braved the heat for three-miles on my bike.  I walked a little.  My friend made me breakfast and I took a cup of coffee with her.  However, I missed my son as soon as I got up and couldn’t stomach going to a Happy Hour solo for some reason.  Then she HeyTell’ed me a couple of times.  I was courteous and wished her a good evening, but I’m not saying goodnight.  At some point, she will have to realize that she is not my girlfriend and that the friend conversion is just bizarre.  Maybe in a year, but seriously, how do you pretend that you don’t get visuals of things that would make me flush from the face down to type?

I’m reminded of the on-again, off-again story that I got in detail that fateful weekend that I just drove home in the middle of the night.  She and her most recent partner did that.  That is her M.O.  It is NOT mine.  When I’m done, I’m done.  No matter what she does two to four weeks from now when she is down here for dinner will not lead her into my bed.  If she wants me, not only does she always have to come to me for some time, but she also has to commit to some couples counseling.  I’ll be shocked if she actually goes to dinner.

I have so many plans tomorrow.  I’m hiding from my cell phone all day starting at 8:30 am.  One of my friends is home before she starts school on the West Coast, so we are having dinner at my house.  I won’t be rude and even be around my phone.  I may or may not check it before I got to bed.  That will make this next day superior.  I’m really a lucky person and know that sometimes there are just simply shit days.  And it’s summer, so the sun will shine tomorrow.

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Shift

Not the microbrew; although, I hope that my friend brings a four-pack of it today so we can have it after our ride.  We will probably do about 30-miles today and I’m feeling very, very good.  I am very much with the wave of momentum, and moving forward with my life and made it crystal clear to my ex that I won’t put up with her shit anymore.  She is coming down to dinner in July.

I’m having coffee–the girl made it perfectly clear that’s what it was–next week to work out some details of the committee work that she wants me to do for a state professional organization with the girl whose number I got as a coup.  I will tell you that when initially she had asked me if I was licensed and she said that she needs a secretary, I could only think of Maggie Gyllenhaal on her hands and knees with memos in her mouth.  Hee-hee.

This woman is a healthy clone of the drunk though.  Down to many physical details, and I need to be circumspect this time around, and she wants a professional relationship.  To be perfectly honest as well, I didn’t even look at her ass when I met her, so that’s not a good sign for my attraction.  I need more lesbian friends.  Also, I want to do tons of professional networking because it helps the profession and because I don’t want to move for internship.

I’m going to crash a women’s happy hour tomorrow too.  My one friend who’s gay can’t go because she is working a swing shift, so I will solo fly.  I want to ride bikes with them anyway and I think that they do other stuff too.  Again, I’m expanding my  horizons and looking around until I find a girl who I want to date.  I’m going in cautiously initially, but when I find a nice and sexy one, I will be open and hopeful.  My heart is free!

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Worth it

I guess that’s what I’ve come to ultimately, and it’s that I want to be valued enough that when differences occur or there are some things that need to be addressed in this “relationship” that we just do it.  I don’t want to be criticized and definitely don’t want my son to be looked at like “a psych experiment.”  I think that when you are done, you reflect on things that you let go or ignored.  She actually said that once.  I think she is actually fairly fucked up and still hold that she is the queen of projection and displacement.

I had a dear friend over for dinner last night.  She is actually a lesbian too, and I only have one friend who is close to me who is.  She works constantly, so we aren’t super close.  The occasion was that she is moving out of state–to the West Coast.  It was so great to see her.  I told her that my ex and I didn’t really work and also told her how we met, and then casually chimed in about her having difficulties with my son.  Her huge eyes got bigger.  She told me over and over what an amazing kid he is and how lucky I am.  There are probably many reasons that my ex and I didn’t work out.

Of course she texted me during dinner and now has questions in her non-questions.  I briefly answered it this morning and although there is no salutation in text, I said, “Have a good day.”  She’ll never come down for dinner, and I know that I knew that when that is what I offered for us seeing each other.

I told my friend last night that I want more lesbians in my life, and she said, “Why?  They are cliquey and never respect new relationships.”  I told her my partner is not likely to grow out of straight girls who I have known most my life, and she said, “I don’t have any problem meeting women.”  Not that I’m in the market.  My heart is healing.  However, I remembered meeting (kind of) my ex’es’ friends and they were cold to me.  She has a group of lesbian moms who she hangs out with, and I could care less who likes me so I just ignored them.  If I was worth it to her, we’d have hung out with her friends during our 8-months.  We didn’t approach a relationship balanced at all.  I don’t want to contact her, know that she’ll continue to contact me, but will just let whatever fade and trust that I won’t run into her for a long time.  How odd what not only transpired, but what we have become.

 

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Momentum

I have some injuries that are external and what is interesting to me is that they both came to the surface today.  Today was the day that she told me that she just needs more time and that she doesn’t have it, so she has no expectations.  I think that is the let you down easy e-mail, but not to put a finer point on it, all I had asked is if she was still in love with me and would go to counseling?  I didn’t ask anything else and I drove home nearly three weeks ago when she was too “sick and tired” to have sex after we hadn’t the night before either.  It’s simple.  She does not see me as a priority.  That’s fine.  I can bounce.

So, my quadricep looks like someone has burst Easter Egg dye under it from the knee up, and my big toe is loosing the toenail on the other foot.  Both of these areas were killing me since last Wednesday, and today, it is obvious due to disgustingness and the pools of blood under the other that they are starting to heal.  I don’t believe in coincidences, so I know that it is me who was carrying around pain and now; although, it still does hurt to walk, I will heal.  I think that I can sit on a bike seat, so a friend of mine and I are going to take a long bike ride tomorrow.

She was shocked (again) when I said, “OK.  Glad that you have thought through as much as you have time for.  Best wishes and have a good summer.”  She wants to hang out, but I know that she won’t because I sure as hell will not drive up there and know that when the plans are not hers that she will not follow through.  I would be astonished if she came down here for dinner–although I am an excellent cook–so in a couple of weeks she’ll say, “Meet me halfway for a bike ride,” and I will tell her the truth.  It seems stupid to put your bike in a car, waste gas, and then have to drive back.  I’ll use the ample trails that I have which begin feet from my door, and I also plan on doing more road biking with my son’s Godfather who can mentor me.

We shall see…  I am pretty sure that I get her.  I’m going back to hang time to get over her.  Remember in “In the Bedroom” when the father’s hand heals?  Maybe when most of the purple fades from my wrecked thigh or I have new growth on the other injury that I’m sporting, I can say, “It’s over.”  Right now, I hurt, am still moving, but will be nothing but honest with myself.

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The Right One

I wonder if anyone truly keeps a relationship together.  I know one happy married couple, and they moved from here with their one son in 2008, and they have since had one more, so my boy and I lost some wonderful playdate potential when that occurred.  They still seem happy given posts on a social networking site, but I don’t really know because the days of our walks around the park and then coming home and watching our boys play until her partner got off work in the summer are over because they have been gone 4-years.  I knew another happily wed dyad, but they were in mediation last Thursday.  She fell out of love with him and he is behaving really badly now and has decided to sleep with her former best friend.  Their divorce will probably finalize before 2012 is gone.

I could have remained in that state of unhappiness.  We were not intimate and we were either silent or we argued, and this pattern lasted about 4 or 5-years, I believe.  Two separations and the final one was permanent in 2007.  That’s not what I’m looking for though, and I’d rather have some lasting connection that also includes sex.

She told me that we could talk f2f.  Having been angry with me because I don’t contact her much, she had left me a why bother VM while I was cleaning up on Sunday.  I had taken a quick 15-mile bike ride to warm up my body and then got back before church and jumped in the shower.  So, we talked for a sec when I called her back, and I said that I would call her in the evening and asked what would be a good time.  She told me that she couldn’t say and just to call her, but she wound up calling me when I left my kickball game early.  We made plans to see each other by meeting in between.

About two-and-half-hours later she cancelled because she said that we didn’t have a toolbox for seeing each other and that nothing has changed.  It hurt.  In fact, I’ve been crying off and on at intervals anyway, because that’s what I do now, and that is hurt.  I found out later that she was worried that we would have sex in her car, and doesn’t want that element.  I definitely gathered the latter on Memorial Day weekend.  I don’t even fully enjoy social stuff and would rather either be alone or talking with my son.  One of my best friends took me out, and then we went back to her house too on Sunday.  She is cooking dinner for my son and I tonight, but I’m so weary of this dance after nearly 5-years.  I’m ready to cook and be cooked for and live with a girl.  Joan Osborne says, “And you ask me to convince you that you won’t blow away.”  That’s a tall order…  Maintaining love and connection.

I think that keeping a relationship together requires honest and open conversations that probably should occur a couple times a week.  What I’ve noted is that I piss a girl off, and she tells me about it later after I’ve already fucked more things up.  With the drunk, we didn’t really fight, because we were quickly stagnant.  We didn’t really have any passion.  I do understand that passion comes with a price, because you will fight like that too, but I’m looking for the ability to move through conflict and to just say, “Let’s do our best to stay together in this rather wild world.”

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Waiting game

If you say that you are going to consider something, by now, it should mostly be considered.  It’s been 10-days, and she thinks that she can tell me that taking what I wrote paragraph by paragraph is a new way, but it’s really a new way to push and pull.  That’s what it is, because frankly, it’s a new approach to keeping me in the queue.  The thing is that if some girl touched me, I’d shrink away, so it’s not that it matters in the grand scheme of things, but it does matter in terms of my feeling like I’m the one she wants.  I worry that I’m not.

I should have taken a picture yesterday.  We had a somewhat harrowing ride up a windy Mt road–at least it was paved–complete with good views, but tons of drop-offs and when my son’s Godmother and my buddy from work got out, we had trouble standing.  We were at the trailhead!  It was also freezing and I didn’t have either set of gloves and couldn’t keep my hat on to save my life.  We took the same windblown ride back down, found a park in a nearby town and did just over 8-miles of a hike.  If I dodge another Mt Biker this summer though, it shall be too soon.  I think that I’ll need to order new boots though, as I did something terrible to my left toe.  If I feel around in the footbeds today in my old, tried and true boots, and they feel compressed, I’ll order some today and wear one pair of socks on Wednesday.

We didn’t go to the top of the little peak.  We were tired and the day was odd and didn’t entail what we’d planned.  I swear if we summit on Wednesday, a snowstorm is going to come rolling through rather quickly.  It was pretty and good girl bonding.  They both told me to proceed with caution.  Here was one of our views:

I don’t want to be cautious.  I just want to know if we can go to couple’s counseling and if she thinks that we could get married NEXT summer.  That’s it.  I’m done messing around.  I don’t want to live alone anymore, as 5-years have yielded tons of growth and transformation.  Now, I am really ready for a partner, and would love to raise two to three kids.

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Gentle Cycle

I don’t know how exactly we came up with it when we talked for two-hours last night, but it’s true.  It’s not that we lost sweetness, it’s that we lost being delicate with one another and that certainly is mutual.  I explained to her that navigating January and February, which didn’t have that committed in a long-term feel to me made me unsteady, so it seemed sorted by March.  However, let’s be honest, if it’s June and I’m still grasping for the whys, it is not at all nipped or tucked.

I was talking about being delicate, and I said something like we need that delicate cycle and she made the washing machine analogy about being gentle.  That means that we need to rid ourselves of the old exchange too, and for some reason she hangs on to it.  I don’t get that.  It has that back and forth quality too, which as I have written, I can’t stand.  I get that we are a product of what we have seen and experienced in our family of origin, but I just think that moving forward based on what one wants is healthy and good.

I just come back to the fact that we need therapy to continue.  She doesn’t trust me, and has said so, which is based on an e-mail that I sent at the beginning of last October (before we had even slept together) and thinks that one more bad fight would destroy the chance for a friendship even.  I don’t see it that way.  At some point around the first of the year, she made the conscious decision to push me away, and then when she does, she can’t deal and misses me desperately.  We can work this situation out and learn to communicate well, or we can’t.  If she won’t go, we can’t continue with relationship contact and will need to just take some space.  I will hurt, but love does, right?

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Worn Out

I tried a longer than I should have hike with my climbing partner yesterday…  When we got to the ridge line and could see the peak, we didn’t have much left.  There were a lot of factors and his poor dog was actually bleeding on his pads, so we did turn back.  I was pretty rubbery in my legs given the stress that we had to get there, and really too unsteady on the ridgeline to continue, but I always feel incredible with that level of exertion afterward.  Right now, I’m groggy because we had severe storms last night and I was up for an hour in the middle of the night and was sore from hiking straight up 10-miles.  Coffee and doing very little will help, and then with my new found energy, I will clean and pay bills.  I’ll include some scenery here:

I had a good day with the guy who is like my little brother though, and hope for many more over the next two months.  I’m getting back up high on Saturday with my son’s godmother as well.  I ought to have a good focus for the next several weeks and hope that I can take this energy into August with me.

I wish that she would examine with me what can be corrected and get very real about what she wants.  I know that regardless of what would transpire this next year, that we need some professional guidance because of the level of dissonance that she is caught in with respect to wanting a relationship and then being unable to navigate the stress that being in one causes her.  I can’t explore anything with her unless a couple hours a month are spent in couples work.  I’d like to say that I can take her back, but I can’t with her lack of understanding that I just don’t want sex, I want connection with her and can’t see weekly a corpse.

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Thinking of what once was

Maybe it’s harder to put the nail in the coffin rather than have a woman tell you to fuck off.  I don’t know…  I can tell you that after her texting me over and over and starting it all at 7, and telling me that she would be relentless until I get it, put me in the most messed state that I have ever been in to date.  Makes my coming out affair, which also meant that I had to tell the world that I’m gay, and switching jobs, single parenting, and living alone except for my 21-month-old all within 4-months seem manageable.  I can’t stop crying and it’s totally fucked when what her texts and phone calls have yielded is that she still is in love with me and this will be the choice that I forever regret.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W-yA_gtmDo

I have no idea.  I just can’t navigate the push-pull anymore.  I want someone into me and open with me when I trigger her.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m abrasive and straightforward.  I need a girl who asks me questions or puts the halt on me right away.  I feel like she tends to just use things later anyway.  It’s like an attorney or detective who is looking for evidentiary support for why she wins.  I don’t want a competition.  I just want to work with a partner.  I sure as hell don’t want to feel like this much longer, but I won’t be taking her back.

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Dating: My Retrospective

I had to throw out a whole pot of coffee this morning.  It was a great metaphor.  I used to be too weak.  I’d put up with shit for a long, long time in relationships that I just shouldn’t have.

I realized that I should send my five-year saga into the world today to stop giving it energy over me.  I think that it will help.  Prior to 2007, the only thing that had happened is that I had two covert gfs.  One in high school and one in college–both of whom I was “caught” with–then this buddy of mine fell in puppy (non-lasting) love with me and pursued me for quite some time, so the second time he asked me to marry him, I consented, told myself that five-and-a-half-years of my life was “experimentation” and then was married to a man for 9-years.  Then, as I had written in earlier entries, folks who had not seen me in awhile would say, “______, is married?!?  To a man?!?!?!?”

My coming out affair started when I touched her hand and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!”  So, I did avoid her, but since I worked with her, I had “dealings” with her and I had to do things electronic or interoffice mail.  When I would have to greet her, I wouldn’t make eye contact, so I wouldn’t feel my pulse come out of my chest.  I didn’t have to work directly with her for two-and-a-half-years so it was ok.  She was at the office Christmas party about ten-months before I ever slept with her and she was in a black suit and was pretty thin, so I went up to her and said, “You look skinny and beautiful.”  And she said, “I love you,” which would become a joke later when we were together.

I booted my ex-husband nine-months after that party (We had been separated before we had our son three years earlier and he lived in another state for four-months.) and then she and I started a red hot affair three-weeks later.  She dumped me and tore out my heart, because it was a coming out affair and nothing like hs or college antics.  She was not a bi-curious straight girl who could feel my gayness, but she was a real lesbian, and then I knew right then, that I was too.  I think that after a divorce, you have a rebound.  Mine was a gay rebound, so I had to face who I really was, and then embrace it.

I did lots of shitty, sexless dating for a full year, because I struggled picking up the pieces of my heart.  She did cause heartbreak, because it was the first time, albeit silly love, that I really felt love.  She and I had a December full of push-pull and the last time we slept together was a few days before the New Year.  (I have a four stage entry that is really, really long about the whole journey.)  What really sticks with me were her green eyes as she left my bedroom after we had made love (for the last time) over and over, and she said, “I’m not convinced that this ever needs to happen again.”  She left.  The only thing that she would tell me is that she never wanted to be a mother, and that she was so far past being “anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.”  I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months.

Then it was over a year of dating all the Ms. Wrongs and Not-Even-Closes, and I was celibate.  I rarely smiled, got really skinny, and did other self-destruction.  My energy was saved for parenting my son and that was all that I did with passion.  Next, a year and a week later, entered my Cowgirl.  We had a “lesbian one night stand,” so it lasted two weekends.  Here is what I wrote about her when I realized that she and I couldn’t really date, because it was a mismatch:

“You get bent out of shape when I text you twice in the same day–weird.” “You have only had a ten-month relationship prior to now, and that was with a woman whose girlfriend was overseas at the time–weird.” “You don’t give me a single compliment.” There were also some other things that are superficial that would be even odder to mention, so I didn’t. I did tell her rather diplomatically that I was looking forward to seeing a woman last weekend admidst my final classes of one particular course that I’m finally done taking. However, she did not understand that when I said, “I want to be your friend,” that I really did mean just that.  Plus, we were just investigating in person chemistry and she wasn’t a gf.  I had been e-mailing one woman who I found intriguing, but she was bizarre.  Enter, the Gemini:

I wound up feeling really empty, so I e-mailed this other woman a rather ballsy thing that I wouldn’t do typically that I thought would shut down our communication… I said, “Do you want to grab coffee or a beer?” and she said, “Yes.” She showed up too. We dated for two-months and I did like her.  She was an outdoor person, a musician, and hot as shit.  Plus, she was into me.  But, she didn’t manage stress well, so she dumped me when we went on a hike.  Here it is:

I told her that a lot of her stress is coming from her work. She has a big deal in two weeks, which will involve her ex-girlfriend, her sister with whom she is extremely close, and is reminiscent of her deceased father. I also told her that it seemed like all of this between she and I was too soon, for a variety of reasons. I also told her that I had been nothing but respectful to her, and she acknowledged that it had been “all her,” in terms of making moves sexually. I’m not actually sure if she is able to be a consistent person even when she is not in the throes of this much stress. It has a flavor that leaves me full of caution.

I did, and I’m glad about this statement, tell her that I would not have been contacting her so frequently had she not held me under the stars three weeks ago and whispered that “Sunday was a long time away,” and she said, “I’m not saying that I’m right.” It wasn’t a competition, but two weeks before had confused me when she called me every night, and I said as much. I told her that I wanted to tell her something and that I didn’t want to sound patronizing. She said “Say it.” I told her that this whole interaction over the past three weeks had made me approach her with such hypervigilance that I was worried about saying it, but she told me that it was fine. I told her that I hoped that she could get healthy, because right now, she has too much going on.  I drove home and was angry, but I didn’t date her again; although, she wanted to.

Two months later, the drunk comes into my life.  We had a very fun summer fling in 2009, but it should have stopped there and would have had I not had one of the most stressful falls that I have ever had, but she contacted me on New Year’s Eve, and I had before called off a stupid friendship with her because she was not monogamous, which I could have cared less about because it was a summer fling and I really just wanted a steady stream of sex that summer, and we had no foundation for friendship.  No contact for three-months, and I was fine.  However, she broke up with this girl who pressured her to become exclusive only to three-months later text me.  I think that was because she had seen me two weeks earlier.  I had written this:

So I finally saw the woman who I slept with all summer an hour or so ago. It was odd, because I didn’t care at all. It was weird for a minute and then I settled into the bar and it didn’t matter at all. She could have been a girl who I merely met a couple of times, but it was even less warm, and I slept with her all summer and she disclosed lots of personal stuff to me. The oddest thing is that a bar owner who I know was at this cowboy bar and told my friend and I to come to her bar and we would not have to pay a cover, so we did after an hour or so, and then she was there as well–feeding the jukebox.

She was merely standing there, alone, feeding the jukebox; although there was a DJ, and she was also half-heartedly watching hockey while nearly everyone in the place was dancing. I know this is my stuff, and not her stuff, but it seriously made me wonder what she will be doing in 5-years? Sipping tequila, and getting loaded in her early 40s is a strong possibility. We didn’t talk at this location and had a stilted hug and odd interactions at the first bar.

Another interesting element is that I was just getting some bravado and telling my friend that I needed another f-buddy. I don’t need that! Absolute indifference to someone who I know way too much about and does not know shit about me… I really don’t want this level of indifference and do not desire to become apathetic. It is interesting to me, but very weird. I guess she didn’t get that job in the southeast as she is still here.

However, she did eventually get a different job, and we then did distance, which I stopped wanting to do after three-months, but we had invested money in hotels and plane trips, so I didn’t.  I didn’t want to move.  I love where I live, and then I realized that it was not that she hated it here and drank to cope, it was just that she really was an alcoholic.  She is loaded all of the time.  I’m not dating a drunk.

I met my first love right afterward.  My ex still has my heart and it is going to take some time.  What’s good is that sublimation can happen right now because I have a lot of work in my yard and doctorate, and my son is taking a theater camp, so he will have a school schedule, so I can also follow a schedule after dropping him off in a few weeks.  I’m going to chart out my whole summer and part-time work.  I’m excited and I know that it will be the best summer that I’ve ever had.  I will be free of her saying that I lack compassion, whereas, I think that I have been nothing but patient with her for five-months, and just can’t do that dance anymore.  I want to be single, or have someone who is completely into me and wants to rip my clothes off.  I will do either and this is the path that I’m currently on.  I did a lot of weird dating before I got here, and in my last relationship, I was completely in love, gave my whole heart, and I have NO regrets.

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Genuine

I have sooooo much stuff to do today.  Looking back, I should have left my son with his best friend and his mother (She has a daughter too.)  and gone into work on Monday.  Had I done so, I wouldn’t feel like a ball of stress.  Because I’m not working with clients really means that I am buried with plans, billing, reports, and end-of-the-season progress on goals paperwork.  Plus, I will only have one office next year, so I am moving and combining two.  I slept well–uninterrupted–but I did wake up at 4.  I’m well awake now too. I will get everything done, but then I have to race to get to her, which will not be restful.  Or is deciding what to do with my bike while I use my truck to move all of this shit after getting paperwork done.

Because she took my not doing treatment as being free and clear, she is not sympathetic at all about what Tuesday – Thursday entails.  It is a 40-hour work week.  I have think that I have been to lend an ear about things that she can talk about, but she is so jealous that I will only now be working part-time through the end of July, that she basically tells me to get over myself and that I’m going on a vacation.  She didn’t respond to the details that I left about steps that I have and nuts and bolts.  I’ll be stressed when I finally reach her, but I don’t want to appear that way.  So, I won’t.

I’m not a good “stuffer.”  I need to be me and say what is on my mind.  It helps to be validated and listened to as well.  I know that Friday will be really fun.  Getting to tonight is a stressful, busy, and an overwhelming venture.  I will give myself some deadlines this morning.  Whatever is not documented by 11:30 will have to be at least addressed, so I will stop computer work by 10:45.   Then I need to move things and drive them over to the new site.  I will just make it so I must leave at 4:30.  Deadlines are good for me.  I hope to laugh and be light, and kind this weekend.  Those will also be my requirements, and if I am being completely honest with myself, without those things I’m just not sure if I can continue this at all.

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Synchronicity

I was thinking about Pat Benatar (Thus my subject line in this post, which evokes her box set.) earlier in the day because I’m going to sing on Friday night.  I am going to do that too, and am committing it to the Internet now so that I have accountability.  What could happen is just tons of sex and never leaving the house, but I want to go out, and think that if we can really make a fresh start, we should date.  Like really date.  We don’t do that.  With the infrequency that we can see each other we mainly wind up having sex for hours and hours and then not sleeping much, which kills her because she only gets two nights off and her son is MUCH younger than mine and has crummy sleep patterns.  My boy is at an easy and fun age.  I can sleep when I’m not nursing microbrews and staying up waaaay too late.  People who tell you that 0 – 3 is great should be at least maimed.  They are probably telling you that because they want to delude themselves into thinking that raising children is fulfilling 24-7.  Newsflash…  It is ANOTHER ft job.  That’s the plan for Friday (karaoke), but clearly the universe is putting ex’s and suitors into the lives of those who I know (and me) as of late, so I’m brought to my next topic, which in a slightly buzzed state shall be more stream of consciousness that my usual voice (fair warning).

So, one of my friends from MS who knows my real ex (not to be construed with the woman who I thought was my ex who I’d give anything to make love to tonight, but have to wait 2-more days to have) had this guy drop off the face of the earth for weeks and he just reconnected with her.  I don’t trust that he will stick though, because he presents like a flake per her descriptors.  My BFF who lives in the same state as my buddy from MS is falling in love with this guy (Sorry, many of my friends are str8.) who is being super casual with her right now and is at a breaking point with him–which was like my holding pattern in early 2010–with my real ex–and she is messed about him, but her ex in addition to several other “dark horses” not-so-much in the running, are suddenly and concurrently texting her.  And  while we were talking about that via phone last night, my REAL ex e-mailed me.  She e-mailed me because my BFF took my I-thought-you-were-an-ex off her Friends List and my real ex is kinda stalker-ish and scary.  No contact since Christmas Eve.  And then her e-mail comes through right when I’m talking to my BFF who is falling in love and doesn’t want to (with Mr. Casual).  Lovely.  I have never mentioned that my real ex is now armed, have I?  Even better!

So, I needed my girlfriend.  Not my ex.  She is my girlfriend, even if she is so scared of me and taking a chance.  She called me and we talked it through.  She thinks that I need to sleep on the unsettling, and not-so-out of the blue e-mail and then approach her with compassion.  As it is me, I don’t think I’ll engage, but I will know tomorrow.  I know in my heart that because my BFF took my current girlfriend off of her social networking friends list last week that my ex now thinks she can get back into dating me.  That is crazy.  1) She is a drunk.  2) She is pretty scary and I’m glad that she lives 6-states away from my son and I.  3) She thinks I am single and is contacting me now, and 4) She is armed.

No full moon, but ex’s coming out of the woodwork and suitors wanting to all get their game on with the women who I know.  My girlfriend’s ex-partner “dropped in” on her last Tuesday (We had reconnected intimately that Monday) and tried to talk to her about her failing marriage.  My girlfriend approaches her with compassion, but it is weird that she dropped in the day after we decided that calling it quits was not an option.  Furthermore, all of this relationship dissension is bizarre.  I’ll look at the patterns tomorrow after I sleep.  This week is weird, weird, weird.

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Expectations

I think that this time around in addition to being more free and easy, we need to maximize seconds that we have with each other and really appreciate the gift that it is to be in each other’s company.  I don’t think that she knows me that well, which is funny, because when we leave for our little break, we will have been together for 8-months less our two week (and some change) hiatus.  She thinks that I distract myself with girls when I have had a breakup and has no clue how funny I am.  At this point, showing each other a good and fun side of each other is critical, I think.

I hope that we go out…  I think it will be good for her to see me interacting with other people, and if I run into girls who I know, I am witty and people tend to keep me talking.  I know that she hasn’t been exposed to a girl like me and her two partners needed her.  I want her and sometimes really need her arms around me, but I’m independent and really fine on my own less the libido issues that I have.  Is this approach and manner that I operate confusing?  I’m sure it is odd.

Spending time down here is a good thing too.  I’m glad that we will be in the city and can crash at my house.  I don’t love driving long distances or being in my car.  Not my thing.  My things are:

1. Laughing

2. Playing outside

3. Keeping things neat

4. Talking to my friends

5. Having some alone time for contemplation each day

Above all though, I want a woman to want me above all and have complete passion for me.  I would not say that the barrage of complaints have already begun, and thank God, because it’s been one week, but she was short yesterday and still jumps to conclusions about me.  I’ll just see.  I want this date–and I’m grateful that it is a real date that won’t be cancelled–and then when we go away, I want to see what comes about.  However, if I feel even a slight push-pull or that I am a partial punching bag, I’m going to bounce and be firm about space.  I like falling in love.  I want to stay there.

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Looking for difference

So, she had texted and HeyTell’ed in the morning, and while I responded she figured that since I was unable to sleep after we talked for two-hours the night before, that I would want nothing to do with her.  I think that a major difference between she and I is that she goes with a particular and makes all kinds of assessments based on it and then quickly derives a decision.  I might do that with shoes, a dress, or even my bike, but I don’t do that in any other area of my life.  I knew when I woke up that I was still in love with her.

So, I called her and we talked all the way into my work and then I sat in my parking lot for another 45-minutes.  I won’t lie and say that the convo was without tension.  She really came unhinged when I told her that I talked to a girl and got her number.  (Later she did realize that reaction was strange as we were completely broken up, and she apologized.)  Again, because I’m writing I must be honest.  I liked that she was still so very much in love with me, and that she missed me so desperately.  Later she admitted this in  a raw and naked e-mail.

I went back to saying that we could not share space because it would be sexual.  She e-mailed that maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with that, but that we had to consider things.  I had completely accepted her apology and continued to think about what had happened to three sisters who I know when they lost their mother.  It is just not normal to loose your mother or father until you are in your 40s or 50s and if it happens when you are young, you do some things that are uncharacteristic afterward and most especially within those first few weeks of shock.  Could it be that she was right when she had told me Sunday night that she really is that person who I fell in love with last fall?  Could the first few months of this year be truly colored by grief and then our mutually-fed fervor of future?  The latter should just organically work out after a year or so, right?

God, I did want her.  There is an intimacy that we share that borders on something that is pure and is otherworldly.  I had e-mailed her yesterday about our lovemaking–I will point out was after Monday–which borders on transcendence.  And it does.  She is on business this week, but didn’t fly out until yesterday morning, so she said that she could meet me at my house Monday afternoon.  I took two hours of sick leave and held her for a long, long time in my livingroom.  I could feel her muscles under her thin and soft leather jacket and after a long period, I kissed her neck and found her mouth.  That level of passion is like nothing.  I used to think that things like that were bullshit made up for media (movies, songs, etc.), but with her it is a derivative of our connection.  We had about an hour and used it well.

Now, she is not here, but we have gone back to contact.  But, she’s different.  There is no jealousy and resentment.  I think that we can get something new that is not spurned on by what we’d like five-years from now.  Immediacy is the only area in which we can operate.  I will certainly honor that and do believe that with distance it is hard not to hurt, but the trade-off is passionate love.  Who can really say that they have that?