Tag Archives: Learning

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4

I like Astrology.  I don’t have much use for anything past an ascendent, but I think Sun, Moon, and Ascendent are cool, and of course, I do think about Venus placement right now too, but I don’t think much of the other planets in daily stuff.  Anyway, in the summer time when my ex was planning her coup (Meaning that she was ready to sleep with me after a three month hiatus.) she said that her soul number was 9 and that mine was probably 9 too based on Astrology and bday and stuff.  It’s not. It’s 4.  Apparently, you get along best with your soul number when it’s the same or if you’re even, being with another even number.

I had some weird stuff transpire on Tuesday and a friend of mine gave me some immediate feedback.  In the end, she had seen a sign off of a road with the word, “Fair” on it, and the first date of the fair was her Mom’s bday, and the second date of the fair was the day that she was in surgery to save her Mom’s life. (Her mother did not live.)  Later she sent me a HeyTell at 4:44 having no idea that 4 is my number and said that she was thinking of that sign “Fair” and that she was between two cars.  One was 444 in the number section, which her Mom always said is an angelic number, and the one behind her was 999.  So, I don’t think that it is time to do the “friends” card with my ex.  Some day, maybe, but right now I just don’t want any of her energy and definitely not her non-emotional, rational, and combative self that she is championing at this point in time.  She is on her own path.

So, I had an incredible day yesterday.  I had to confront a colleague about her insensitivity and general lack of professionalism.  I had to give a parent a good news, bad news scenario about her 11-year-old in terms of ability and possible diagnosis.  My client who really needs to (by her own admission) stay consistent with her counseling just skipped session without so much as a text.  And, I ran a 5K on the treadmill.  My heart rate average was 160 as well.  I also was able to talk to my workout partner for the duration, so I have built up some endurance.  I would like to run outside on Sunday, so I’m going to with her.  I have not ever done pavement–well, not since 6th grade.  Our family 5K is next Sunday.  Our dog is so crazy that I’ll have to get in a zen place with her darting and beg the nature Gods not to put a rabbit in our path.

It sure is rare to be a licensed psychologist in the area where I work.  I’ll probably have to leave, which is just part of my journey.  It’s inconvenient, and will involve probably my getting on the road thirty minutes earlier than I do now, which will be challenging for my son, but I think that it’s time for me to move on to a place where I can get settled.  I also have to complete this doc, so it’s the last step.  I will need to stay put though, if they complete my training.  That sounds like I’m becoming a Jedi…  I wonder what Yoda’s soul number was?

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Leave the fear

I am going to do some vertical climbing.  I’ve never done it, and am very scared of heights, but it’s guided and was only $50.  I have to wrap my brain around it, but I just don’t believe in living with fear.  I started climbing mountains in 2008, and I have done some ledges and the like in addition to being on all fours when it gets steep, but I have not done vertical….  Yet.

I was driving up a forest road in my old Accord in 2008–it’s actually a very nice car, but I had to give it to my ex out of fairness–and parts of this road were missing at the time.  People kept turning around and I was like, “Nah.”  So I did this weird maneuver around the side of the ditch and then swung the wheel 180-degrees, but I dented the shit out of my oil pan.  It’s not like when you do something like that you can exactly turn around, so I just bombed up, but my car was smoking and lead to my having to repair it later.  The roads were turning from private, to missing, to zoned for parks, to National Forest Roads, so when there was a switchback later and a little driveway, I just turned around.  It was 5:45 in the morning.

I wound up driving around an old mining site and to a paved road, and finally parking low in a pass area.  That is how I completed my first summit, and I did it solo.  It was a much more difficult mountain in terms of technicality at the end and hugging a sawtooth and some scree when you would wind up a bit off trail, but I did it, and I did it completely on my own.  The latter was kinda stupid, so I did wind up climbing with another person after my first summit.

I think that is interesting, because I’m actually terrified of heights, but that’s the whole thing… I don’t believe in being hobbled by our fears.  People say trite stuff like “Face your fears,” but more than that is examining what you can do to pass through them.  I don’t think that when you live somewhere as beautiful as I always have with the exception of when I was in undergrad and my first round of grad school that you should let things that make you anxious rule you.  So, I just don’t.

I have given away my heart and been nakedly vulnerable.  I have completed 11-summits.  I have paddled down a strange river through tree roots and under swampy trees and weird spiders.  I have hung onto the back of a girl on motorcycles and jet skis.  These are not my comfort zones, but I have changed as a result of engaging in these activities.

So, now, in June, I’m going to climb some verticals with equipment.  Ultimately, I will be glad that I tried it.  Face what terrifies you.

I think that the path to being whole is truly being authentic and honest with yourself.  That is so easy to say, but really difficult to work through when you examine and then change.  With being vulnerable and naked with your emotions, it is worth the gamble, because you just change.  I think that when I give the sermon, I would like that to be a thematic tie.  I need to take a peek at my readings and face that fear too.  I speak in public all the time, but don’t have to talk about things that I’m not deep in understanding or require me to connect to my experiences.  But, that is the whole approach to being spiritual right?  It’s not dogmatic, sanctimonious, or does it suggest that one way is right.  It’s scary, but I want to face it like my vertical that is coming up too.

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Lucky lessons

Church was cool and like a culmination of things, which is probably what it should be like, on Easter Sunday.  I had a pretty damn busy Monday with two acute cases in addition to my regular afternoon caseload.  I think that I finished set A, but I can’t remember, because the weight room was packed when my partner and I got there and I was not in the mood to keep good count.  (I mean my workout partner, and not my partner-partner.)  I was angry yesterday, and the weights helped, but I know that I didn’t spend what should have been my last 30-minutes of my night wisely, because I drank beers and chatted two of my work colleagues who have become friends.  I stayed up way too late and had pretty shitty sleep.  The nights that I have class can be long if I don’t get down time in between.  I will think about tonight, which is only 11-hours of work including a run, as a gift as is getting home at 6.

I was thinking about the message today, rather than yesterday or even in particular during church.  (I had a lot to do during the service.)  Our pastor told us that the gifts that we have been bestowed were freely given, so they are to be used as an extension of our hearts and our true selves.  Meaning that we can express them in a manner of our choosing.  That gave me a lot of clarity this morning.  I figured if you get anything from a relationship with someone that is actually a gift if was freely learned.  You simply cannot make someone understand or get something from you, but if you come out changed, it is ultimately a good circumstance for you.

I’m ready to date again.  I know that I am.  I wish that it was simple to meet nice girls.  I also wish that the bar scene was a bit different, but it’s not, and I don’t think that I will meet a wonderful girl in a bar, but I could.  It will have been four-months since I have kissed anyone in just two weeks.  That is a good amount of space.  I had heard that half the length of your previous relationship is optimal, and interestingly, that would be during my evil mud obstacle race.  Can you meet your one when she is covered in head to toe with mud?

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Damn Good

I have had an incredible three-days off.  My Lit Review is drafted and turned in, and I gave my prospectus to my professors too so they can make changes before I get it through IRB.  I’ll call the profs on Friday and see when I can get the whole thing reviewed so I can collect data prior to mid-May.  I think that I only have about ten more pages to write and now I really need the guidance part from faculty who have done this kind of thing before.

I have seen clients and completed evaluations for many years.  I think that not including school, it’s been 13-years.  So, my clinical hours, with the exception of being time consuming are pretty simple for me.  However, I have not written a book.  It’s probably obvious that I write all the time, and do well on papers and such, but putting together all of this stuff for what will be 150 – 200 pages is daunting.  I did write 100-pages in a week, but didn’t actually pass my comps without submitting a revision, so I know that re-writing will be paramount.

When I completed my first grad degree, I piloted a survey and then sent it to practitioners in four states in this region.  I published that study on-line; although, it was solicited by another bound source.  I was simply sick of my topic by then.  I had presented it as a paper in Washington DC at my current profession’s national conference and then was done with it.  I’d prefer to get several articles out of this study while I work on my curriculum that I’m developing.  While I do realize that will happen with this current venture, I know that I’m more part of this topic, because I have had experiences with it for at least 10-years.  Naomi Wolf says, “Do nothing without passion.”  I get that.

Space helped the crush on the girl who is soon to be promised to her girl.  Good for them.  Amidst cultural differences too that would tear them apart if they were “found out.”  This fact is apropos given all the media stuff about partnerships and civil unions.

My ex has been in contact.  She did the Pepsi challenge, and I know that even without her telling me.  She dated a woman who she never would have–a blond–and still had the same things come up in terms of her vicious tongue.  Again, that’s not shocking, and looks are superficial.  I do have to note honestly though that I have only ever been physical with two women with brown eyes.  I like what I like too.  I’ll go to dinner with her in a month and ask what she is going to do about her lack of conflict resolution skills.  I have nothing to lose being that direct.

There is some girl that a girl from work is going to introduce me to next month as well.  I asked when her bday was as that stuff is actually important to me.  I have chemistry with some signs, but it’s fine for people to disagree with that.  In fact, I can pick a Pisces out of a room.  I’m done with that though, and know that my journey is for my BFF’s new son.  You see, he shares Shane’s and my ex-husband’s bday.  He is 42 and 37-years younger to the day than they are.  I can dote on that lil’ guy.

I feel springtime.  I need to pack a few outfits for my boy and I.  In just over an hour, we drop off our dog at the day camp / boarding and then head up to the mountains.  I can’t wait to watch him snowboard.  He seemed excited about it too.  I’ll also look at girls in the lodge and in the little city that we are staying in tonight.  It’s time for me to network with women.  I can feel many things shifting and coming to fruition.  Life is very good.

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Not shocking

I really thought that she was pleasant on Friday morning because she was getting laid…  Turns out that she broke it off with her girlfriend (ALREADY) and she thinks that she says / does things without realizing their impact although she tells her that she loves her.  That gave me a lot of pause.  She would honestly do her lovers a good favor if the stuff that she says that they do, she’d do.  Wow.

Months ago, I’d have called her and flirted a bit and then would have gone up there to have sex with her tonight.  Those days are gone, because I’m not in love with her anymore, and grew really tired of the three C’s.  Those are critical, controlling, and competitive.  It’s really cool in that song “Hallelujah,” which I do know has been covered three million times, when it says, “love is not a victory march.”  It’s not.  While I do love her, I think that one of my dear friends is correct when she says that she is confused and has lots of interpersonal work to do.  That is independent of me.

Speaking of issues…  Here is one of mine.  Damn crush on “the girl next door” has not subsided and it is SUPER sucky.  I think about her all the time, and have darker thoughts about stuff that she confided in me about the way in which her relationship is going.  Then I think, “Well, this really might not last.”  That is hideous and makes me feel so badly.  If I was still Catholic, I’d stay up in there all Saturday night talking about that.

“Father, I commit sin a lot because I love women and can’t pray out the gay at all.  And boy, have I tried.  I know that I’m telling a celibate this, so probably on a lot of levels it is difficult for you to wrap your brain around it, but that’s not what I’m confessing.  I’m confessing that I am perhaps falling for a girl who is in a committed relationship and I listen to problems that they have and that sometimes makes me happy.”

GROSS!  How did I become this person?  Gotta get back to morality.

I need to meet some girls, dammit!  The snow is gorgeous right now and it’s sunny today.  I think that since it is my turn to pick (and pay for) lunch with my bday twin so we are going to eat in Cap Hill.  There were TWO lesbians at the cool fundraising thing last night and they were snotty and married.  Beyonce says that “all the single ladies” are supposed to put their hands in the air, and they were not doing that last night.  Damn, damn, damn.  Honestly, I had a lot of fun last night though, but they str8 guys were the ones talking to me.  Oh well.  I can work on my dissertation.

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Pleasant

I was getting ready to get in the shower very late yesterday–well, late for me, given it was ten of six–and I got a text notification signal.  It was a voice recording from my ex and was pleasant enough.  She said that she wanted to catch up with me on the phone.  So, I called her and we had a good conversation.  My two friends at work asked why I didn’t then send the email.  I said, “Well, it would be apropos of nothing given that I laughed twice and the convo was innocuous.”  I think that email exists as a “Don’t push it,” boundary if I’m being honest with myself.  And she pushed nothing.  She is truly in sales and marketing–even with her social skills.  The conversation was completely business-like, and could have been a couple of colleagues who have known each other for a few years who are warm for the most part with each other.  I still hold that she is glad that I’m not dating, and I do believe that the email will be sent when I am after she is not comfortable with my heart moving with another woman.

I have to intern next year, so I am collecting a few letters of recommendation.  Given that I had just done a presentation for our department two days ago, which is about 25 people, I asked one of the big bosses to do one.  My immediate supervisor had already written one as well, and I talked with my ex about an upcoming interview and gathering stuff.  She said, “I want to read the letter,” and I said, “I actually haven’t read the whole letter because one of the first paragraphs are some of the nicest things that I have ever read about me.  I had to stop reading it.” After I forwarded it to her, I did read the whole thing and it accounted for all the things that I have to do as a professional.  My immediate supervisor had said earlier in her letter that I was the best one in my role that she had worked with in 29-years.  It’s bittersweet to leave next year… I wish that I had two doctoral supervisors in the site so I could just stay.

My former colleague who I don’t have 100% trust in, texted last night that she was with the woman who was my coming out affair for an hour last night.  I tried to call her and she wouldn’t pick up because she said that she couldn’t multitask and was putting her girls to bed.  Very odd that she and my most recent ex had been somewhat in my circle on the same day.  And of course Peter Pan and I spoke after she was texting night before last.  Again, exes seem to come out the wood work at the same time some days.  Of course, there aren’t really coincidences anyway.

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Potayto

Are you kidding me?  You talk to me on the phone and argue semantics?  Peter Pan asked if I had sent her CD and said she was moving.  I apologized and asked for her new addy.  She said, “No, I’ll pick it up.”  I said, “Tell me when to leave it in my door,” and then just like her she got all sad sack about it.  For the love of Pete, dude, I haven’t seen you since either the end of July or the first couple days of August–I’d have to check my blog–and you didn’t even miss this CD until I realized that I had it.  She said, “I understand that you don’t want to see me,” and I said, “I just got home.  Give me a few and I’ll call,” and she said, “No worries.  You don’t have to talk to me.”

Sooooo intense and dramatic.  We had sex a handful of times.  You were my rebound.  I told you after we’d done it one night that you needed a nice, young sensible girl who wouldn’t be doing clinical hours next school year.  We had an understanding.

She then started in about how great she is.  I told her, “You are pretty lacking in integrity,” and she said, “I’m the most integrous person that you’ll ever meet.”  Now that cracked me up.  She never finished college and introduced herself to me as a teacher of kids with special needs.  And she let that run for seven-weeks!

Later in our convo tonight, she asked me if I was seeing anyone.  A bit later she asked if she had introduced herself to me as an assistant, would I be her friend and still be dating her?  OMG!

You tell me that what you did was not a lie and that I’m the one with the problem and then it’s obvious that you thought you could date me again.  WhoTF do you think you are?  I couldn’t believe it.  She said that I was wrong several times, and that she is the best person she knows.  Good.  I don’t like untruths or lacking in authenticity.  I’m fine with not knowing the best person in the world.

I told her that I wish her peace and the best, but I am sending her CD (It’s already in a cardboard mailer–photo type one.), but I don’t desire to see her and that she thinks that it’s fine to let someone run with lies of omission for weeks, and then only say after you’ve hung out with someone for seven-weeks, but only just after you’ve had sex a few days, “I have let you believe something that is not true,” is completely lacking in accountability imho.

She said that: “I have let you believe something that is not true.”   How is that not a lie?  I told her that we don’t see things the same way, have nothing in common, and that I’m good on the friends front.  I did also tell her that on the off-chance that I run into her, I will say hello and exchange pleasantries, but we don’t need to prearrange.  After all, it’s me with the problem wanting someone to mean what she says and say what she means, and I don’t know, be honest.

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Going great

We got my son’s room organized completely with the exception of his closet and a toy box.  I have sooooo many plastic guys, metal cars, and just random crap to take to the Thrift Store in addition to all his size 6 clothing.  I would say that we probably have about two hours or so left in his room.  Not only can you see his floor, but his closet is not barfing out his art supplies and old cleats and such.

I just have not been able to locate one of his shin guard covers.  However, he has worn those for two seasons, so the guard may not be big enough anyway, so I could justify buying new cleats and shin guards.  You can buy those in a bundle and his soccer cleats are size 2.  My son is a horse, so I will have to buy him 3.5 as it is for his new shoes.  It was cool because his best friend’s Mom had gotten him his basketball shoes for his first season.  It was not cool that our dog found them and ate the pull strap off the back of one shoe.  Those were thrown out, because he doesn’t have need for them again.  He can wear his high top Chuck Taylor’s this August for camp.

His best friend’s bday party was fun.  I didn’t get a chance to be able to get my non-dating lower half bikini body ready in terms of maintenance.  It’s funny how carefully shaving gets so rare when you’re not getting laid, but I was super glad that I had not shaven when we got there, because that Rec Center pool was probably 30-times more crowded than the two that he and I use in our city.  The noise was deafening.  Thank God that we had dinner plans at our friend’s house.  I needed those microbrews.

The only thing that was slightly special about the playdate portion of the night was that we had to bring our dog and one of the Moms is so allergic to dogs.  So, of course she was jumping up on the French Doors and being a shit.  We had people scouring our house–I have not been able to hire this daughter-father team since 2010, but they do an incredible job.  Our hard woods are completely clean and the bathrooms are shining.  I had no idea that they would still be at my house 3-hours later.  We took our dog and thanked our friends for being so accommodating.  Our dog had been at Doggie Day Camp for six-hours, but they live across the street from a dog park, so she tore it up there too with a boxer and a whippet-lab.

She is sleeping now while I wake up–again–but this time only with a slightly sore throat.  I’m going to get through this thing with no antibiotics.  I’m proud.  It has been hell.  I’ll do my first round of cardio tonight, so I can lift tomorrow.  I am not hacking up my lungs right now or am I blowing my nose over and over and over.  So, I think that before my week off, which is the week after next, I should be fantastic.

Today is church for at least two-hours given my announcement role, and a small brunch at least with one of my friends.  Then we can do some laundry before we go to my parents’ house for dinner.  I’m sharing the lentils with smoked chicken with them, and my Mom is making biscuits for my son.  I’m not close in particular with my parents, but I am honest with them.  Just can’t see them much due to my boundaries for my health.  They are just grandparents to my son too, but they watched him for over a year before I put him in daycare.  My father is good with little kids, but when they start to talk, he is weirdly permissive and passive-aggressive with my Mom and tries that shit with me too.  “Your grandmother wants you to do that,” and that really makes limits difficult.  I grew up in “The Shining,” because he’s Bi-Polar, and has only been on meds for three-years.  I’m not exaggerating even slightly, and do know that I have chosen an alcoholic and a volatile-cycler last because chaos is normal for me.  It’s not a bad thing to be single for some time.

I asked my friends again why they didn’t know anyone who I could date or chill with.  They said, “Well, the one who is single is butch and overweight.”  I showed her a pic of Shane and said, “See?  Butch is fine as long as it’s soft and you have nice features.”  They remarked on how pretty she was and then asked why we still weren’t together given our two years.  I told just one bar story and it wasn’t a scary one either, but was comical for the part I had chosen.  They both cracked up and said, “Oh.”  That was the end of that.  Honestly, it’ll happen when it’s meant to.  I’m not sleeping much because of the lack of exercise and this shitty cold, so it’s nice not to wake up a girl this week.  Life will calm down and I’ll be somewhere, and a girl and I will just notice each other…

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Ready, set

I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit.  It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it.  It was in a blog.  I had to post it.  Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives.  I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity.  Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram.  That’s it.

I’m pairing down.  I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them.  Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son.  Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact.  I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church.  Some of them know who I am too.  As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use.  He said, “We go to your church.  We love to hear you read.”  I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice.  No clue who this guy is.  But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something.  You help people in your community.

I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there.  I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there.  I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college.  She is barely bi.  I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state.  She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t.  Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child.  He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life.  My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Church girl never wrote back.  I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date.  I don’t think that she’s consistent.  That’s something that I am.  I’m also willing to work hard and see things through.  Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future.  Her first partner died.  I don’t know how.  But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.

My ex cannot always make me smile.  Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her.  She must control all moves.  My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world.  I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her.  My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.

I’m really ready to move forward.  I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week.  They are my family.  I have a beautiful son.  Our dog is very sweet.  I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes.  I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.

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No agenda

I wrote to the girl from church yesterday and did so, as I wrote, more for myself than anything else.  I had no agenda doing it, but rather wanted her to know about what really was bad timing on our part.  We had a nice first date.  We talked fairly easily and were good just walking loops around the park–I think that total we spent about three-hours together, which is a long first date.  I think that it was easier because she and I had seen each other and also sat together several times.

I told her the truth.  I explained that ours was definitely a favorite of my first dates, and I have had LOTS of dates.  I also explained that my ex came down the following week, and then I found myself back in the same pattern, but after two months, I realized that I was the one who had changed and she hadn’t.  I told her that I don’t desire a friendship with her, but on the off-chance that we would run into each other, I’d like to be civil.  About five-years ago, I told a friend, “There are twelve lesbians in ______ , and they all talk.”  I repeated that for sometime, and then just decided to increase the number each time someone said, “______ , there are more than that!”  I’m only up to 51.  This is a cliquey and small community.

I still don’t know if she’ll go out with me.  She seems to hang with the fifty-ish women from church.  But, honestly, I always call it the Church O’ Boyz.  There just aren’t many women there period.  Also, she has had tons of stress as of late because she has been unable to find employment, and belongs to the “no expectations, no disappointments” school.  I don’t go there.  I have hope and trust in my journey and know that it leads me exactly where I need to be everyday.

My cold is better.  I did wake up very early coughing, but rested in bed for a few and now am typing.  I have the coolest thing in the world right now, but haven’t turned it on yet this morning.  It’s a little wireless speaker with a BIG sound.  I stream Pandora from my phone on Bluetooth and have music nearly throughout my house.  It’s even better than those Bose systems and was a fifth of the price.  I want one more speaker so I can always have music everywhere in my 50s ranch.  I don’t have carpet upstairs so the hardwoods help carry sound.  I love it.  I’m a music freak.

All is quiet on the ex front.  Yay.  I think that it helps to write an answer to a question in the subject of an email and then attach only a link in the body.  That is my comfort zone.  Hey, I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and have zero compassion, so might as well be that way.  Speaking of which, I have to tell one of my best friends that I don’t want her to move in in June.  Yikes.  It would ruin our friendship.  I’m taking her for grass-fed burgers and brews tonight.  There is live music too if I can stay up.  That gets really hard for me when I have two beers and I have not been able to exercise.  I just have to be honest with her; although, I do know that she needs to decrease her bills by $300.

Seems like I’m being honest with everyone.  Good path, that.  I honestly have thought a lot about the way that the girl from church pulled me closer to her so our abdomens were pressed together when we embraced after our date in August.  She grabbed my arm too and ran her hand down it.  I’m bigger now than I was in the summer too, so she may want to do that again.  Also, sometimes she has played with my hair in church.  I am going early today, but when I do see her again at a later service, I’m going to flirt.  Hell, I’m single.

I wonder if there will be some nice girls at the 5Ks in April.  Who knows?  However, I draw the line at on-line shit.  I had a couple of girls from there in 2008 – 09, but they were not women that I would have ever organically run into, so.  One was a cowgirl who lived in a neighboring state.  She was awesome in bed, but not a great kisser.  The other one was a damn Gemini who did all the back and forth mindfuck stuff.  I let that one completely go and then three-months later she wanted to do a summit with me.  WTF?  Sounds like Bette though.  Hmm…

I know that she is out there.  I’d love to go to dinner with the girl from church, but the ball is in her court given that when we had a date, I was like a cautionary tale.  I apologized for that, and told her that I wish her peace, prosperity, and a path to her ONE.

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S squared

That is kind of an inside joke too, because I have had two girls with the EXACT same initials as each other; although I dated them 4-years apart.  They both liked “squaring” their names too.  Anyway, I woke up on Friday morning before 1 and my throat was completely on fire.  It made working very difficult yesterday.  I don’t like working sick, but I had specific duties yesterday so couldn’t have missed barring a bone break or the like.

I can’t go to Boot Camp this morning, because I’m still sore in the throat, and my chest hurts.  I’m way better though and went back to sleep this morning and slept until 7.  I feel like a different person in comparison to last night though.  This pattern happened last right before my two-week vacation in December.  I was sicker than hell that Friday night and got better by sleeping a ton.  I was soooo sick.  I did the same thing as now and that was get a ton of sleep to rid myself of it.  I had just a week earlier told my ex that I couldn’t approximate dating with her back in December…  It was a week before this winter started.

The second s is snow!  It’s doing it again.  I’m so glad.  If it would do it once a week through mid-April, we could get some water into our reservoirs.  I’m just going to hope for that.  I don’t want my climbing season to be shitty.  I don’t want to look west and see smoke and have the hills and mountains be obscured.  I know that is the natural cycle of things, but I want to raise my son where we have real seasons and definitely this beautiful snow.  Yay.

She texted me twice yesterday.  I didn’t text her back, but when I got done with clients, I found the original article that I had read which gave her the answer to one of the texts that she had sent.  I wrote the word (answer) in the subject line and attached the article link.  We are NOT BFF.  There are so many reasons for that too, which I shall list here:

  1. We didn’t work as partners because she criticizes and controls
  2. I have TONS of friends who I simply have a good “show-up” factor in terms of our relationships
  3. I don’t want to drive up there.  The peak that she lives next to is not one that I ever want to climb, and there are PLENTY of places to snowshoe here
  4. When I talk to her, there is very little joy that is emitted from her…  She may laugh once or twice, but is really serious
  5. I can’t think of anything that she complained about me that wasn’t something that she was, in fact, doing
  6. My son doesn’t miss her, but misses her son
  7. She would benefit from finding peace, but tranquility is not typically found in interactions with your ex
  8. We don’t see the demise of our relationship in the same way
  9. We don’t find the same types of people fascinating, and her friends are not very funny less the girl who introduced us
  10. She didn’t love me enough to learn strategies to resolve conflicts, alternate driving, or do something on a date that I thought of or planned

So, no thanks.  We are cool, but we are not friends.  We don’t have interactions with people in the same way, and I seek happiness, laughter, and connection.  I don’t feel happy around her, and I’m no longer connected to her.  My shrink said it’s because she gets scared, but I don’t intimidate or compete with others, so I’m not the scary one frankly.

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Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?

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Just what I needed to hear

There are no coincidences in this life, and I have found that I can either embrace where I am in my journey and move forward, or I can keep doing crazy things that are not mindful either only to be faced with similar circumstances when conditions are the same, or being miserable when I’m trying to ferret through them feeling imbalanced.  I think that Einstein is the one who said, “Crazy is doing the same thing, but expecting a different result.”  Why would I have thought that she could just be herself with me and we could form a friendship?

Nakedly mean is gone, but now she is back to pseudo encouragement and I found her signature in one of her notes completely disingenuous and actually revolting.  I remember everything, and it’s a nickname that one of the girls from the bday trip that we took last fall calls her.  This is a girl who Bette says, “I don’t really respect her or the way she leads her life.”  Nice.  Good judgmental stuff and completely phony when you act sweet as pie around her when we were all together.

When she was saying that she doesn’t know where her relationship will go, and that she didn’t like what happened visa vi her new gf’s ex, she also said, “I don’t like dating.  I like to be in a relationship.”  I told her that it is good that she is dating and that I believe she will learn a lot about herself and who she is while she does it.  She reiterated and laughed a little and said, “But, I really don’t like it.”

I have dated for six-years.  In fact, I have not gotten a hard commitment for Saturday night, and if she is not in church today and I don’t hear from her, it will just be too gamey for me.  It is completely possible that her friends are saying, “Don’t do this, she will just get back with her ex, ” but if that’s the case, then she is too swayed by other people.  So, we shall see what church is like today.

The engineer’s Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly while Bette and I were at the death psychic.  I have written to her and offered my support.  That’s terrible and odd that it happened the night that it did.  I also heard one of the songs that Bette said that I’d like, because my very young client came to session asking if I heard it.  It’s catchy, but I couldn’t listen to it much because it’s too repetitive.  Songs like this always remind me of when I couldn’t get “Personal Jesus” out of my head.  I didn’t even buy “Violator” because I used to nearly vomit hearing that over-played song.  The one that she recommended has already been parodied a ton too and came out at the end of August.  We just don’t get music as fast here as they do back East.  I wrote her two or three lines, and then all the superficial stuff ensued.  I told her that what I am comfortable with is exchanging pleasantries when we run into each other, and that I wish her the best.

I think that’s it.  It’s binary.  When emotions get tripped–I did tell her that I was going to date the girl from church and get over the ten-year age difference–she can go two ways.  She can get mean and talk about how awful I am, or she can be superficially encouraging.  Both of these reactions do not come from the heart and lack authenticity.  No thanks.  I told her that I’m done for a long time.  And since I have never contacted her, it actually means that there will be no contact at all.  When we do see each other–it will probably be the women’s cycling event in September–we can exchange pleasantries.  I’m not being her friend or do I want a friendship.  I’m just glad that my memories of her will not culminate into her being nasty to me in public, and that would be the sole outcome of a life-changing relationship for me.

I got into one of the pages that I like this morning.  An article by Cole caught my attention immediately with some quoted teasers.  It talked about learning through painful experiences.  I believe it.  I read the article and it talked about counting your blessings in crisis, and fully taking in what happened to you during it and how it impacted you.  That’s it.  I know how she impacted me: 1) I get things ready for my son so he knows that I care, 2) We got our dog, and 3) I am in the best shape of my life and continue to strive for more, and 4) I am ready to be vulnerable regardless of being unable to tell an outcome.  That is all I need, because I don’t need criticism, or do I need phoniness while saying judgmental things to other people.

My preference is to see what is there between the girl from church, or to meet some girls when I run or am out and about.  I don’t need friends who I used to sleep with though.  I think it’s healthy for me to be cool with ex-lovers, but not to be close with ex-lovers.  Some people can probably do more middle ground, but when I saw her watching my mouth while I was talking on Thursday night at the bar before we went into the venue, I thought, “Are you kidding me?”  She also touched my forearms and perhaps my upper arms too many times while she was talking to me, but couldn’t give me a proper hug.  We are just not similar people and we don’t show up in ways that mix.  I got it.

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Doy

I don’t mean I give, but I’m pretty much a top, so I guess it has double-meanings.  I can go out on a date again with the child.  My friends keep telling me that she is not a child, but 28 does freak me out, but I’ll just get over it.  I’ve seen her for over a year, and have talked to her since last July, so it fits my “know well” thing.  Plus, she wrote, “How about a juicy mango?” on my status last week.  Hello?  I talked to her yesterday and we had ease in conversation and then when I got to my practicum site I said, “Can I take you out to dinner next Saturday night?” and she said, “That sounds good!  I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.”  We’ll go to a trendy spot in a gentrified area just north and west of downtown, and I’ll tell her a start time, so we have two cars.  If the convo is good, I’ll walk her to her car and hug her again.  If she grabs my bicep again, I’ll finally kiss her.  I’ve known her eight months.  So, I do have a girl I can date.

Bette HeyTelled yesterday morning, and at the end of it she said, “Are we going to be able to be friends?”  So, I just called her.  I talked to her about various things and then she posed the question again, and I said, “You know, _____ , I originally just wanted to be amiable when I could feel your new girl’s energy and realized that you couldn’t say such mean things to me unprovoked if there wasn’t another moving right in.  But now after seeing you, it gets convoluted.  I just wanted us to be cool on the off chance that we see each other out and about, but now…  So, I just need to take time.  I’m quick at work, and in fact, my colleagues always say, ‘There is ______ , on a mission!” but in my personal life I am not like that.  I rely on observations and need lots of them to make decisions.  Last night was just too convoluted.”

Then she said, “Well, the ball is really in your court, and you’ll need to contact me.”  I said, “_____ , that could be years.”  And she said that was ok.  About a half an hour later she apologized for ever hurting me and indicated that she really meant it.  Then she texted again and said that she loves me and that I still have a significant piece of her heart.  I texted, “Thank you.  I love you too.”  And I do.  I fell completely in love with her and she was a critical part of my journey.

However, I really need to date.  I don’t know if it’s feasible to date a whole bunch of women, because I am away from my house a minimum of 11-hours daily getting things done.  I don’t have time or a method to meet lots of girls.  However, I’m NOT having sex next weekend.  I think that the end of the month is a good idea for that.  Because then it has been nearly four-months since I have, and that is always a good marker for me to rid another girl’s energy from me.  I don’t want her to feel Bette when we do connect if it proceeds that way.  I know that she wants to, and that she wanted to make out on the street when we had our date in August.  Slow build up this month seems good.  She is not Peter Pan either and has always told me the truth.  We should be good.  At least it’s a fun prospect, and I’ll just get over her age.

Such a strange path.  My shrink is right, and you certainly cannot bend the river.  I don’t want to, and am ready to float down, while I can appreciate and avoid fervor or rapids.  Canoe seems good.

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Fears

Many behaviors that we exhibit, which are complex and seemingly not sensical at times, are merely a function of our level of anxiety that we experience when specific in situations.  I am worried about being unable to get along for an hour, but I know that I am much more well-polished with those skills than she is.  For example, I have to see my ex-husband literally all of the time.  I am completing clinical hours after work, so he has to pick up our son after school.  It is rare that we have disagreements and I simply refuse to engage in anything similar to a power struggle with him when he explodes.  About quarterly, he annoys me with an explosion of temper, but I don’t say anything to our son.  I tell him, “I’m not going to engage with you like this,” and I probably could have done stuff like that with my ex too, but she attacks and dehumanizes with her words.  That is for her and her new girlfriend to work out 🙂

She is anxious.  She emailed me five or six times last Tuesday, and last night–very late–she did so twice and from her social media site.  When you have been with a controller and you are trained like I am, you know why she does what she does.  However, I don’t have to open the next email from her, because it’s similar to the first one.  She will not “see” anything, because I won’t open it, and if she really, really wants to share songs with me,  she can email me to my account and send one of those “read upon receipt” sending conditions.  She doesn’t attach a file, but rather says, “I like the beat in this song,” or “You’d love this song.”  Some of these contacts make me feel like she is trying to get me to add her back, but I wouldn’t do that for anything and maybe never.  Wow.  Even Shane is better with following friendship rules.

I had written in some summer entries that what you do for a living does matter.  Peter Pan introduced herself to me as a teacher, but is actually an assistant who does not work full-time.  Not only was it distasteful for her to lie for two months, but it also made her free and easy, fly-by-the-seat of your pants, screw at one in the morning before you go home attitude make a lot of sense as well.  What you do for a living effects your show-up factors.  My ex is used to everyone around her lying to her and getting away with things, so she crafts control through methods that seem legitimate.  I’m just used to her, so I simply know why she does things in the method that she does.  If she can truly switch careers next year, as she has made a good product, she will likely soften some, which will be very good for her son and those who she caretakes.

I told my shrink that because I do what I do, I may be alone forever.  She laughed, and said, “No, but you are likely to be more discerning with relationship.”  What I am really glad about is that when I’m just enjoying–not when I’m fighting or being treated badly–I don’t even think psychologically.  However, when a relationship is ending or has ended, I do know what my exes will do.  Again, I just don’t have to engage.

We need friendship ground rules.  I’ve been thinking that it could be necessary to tell her that I am am very much on-the-fence that we can be friends.  I think that we can be cool and be amiable, but I believe 1) your partner is your best friend, and 2) she is so intense that the level of friendship that she and I would have–meaning with which I am comfortable–would not be fulfilling for her.  What do I want?  Very little to be honest.

Infrequent contact seems more normal to me, as does hanging out annually or a couple of times a year.  I have to also be honest and also say that it would be much easier for me to come over to her house after snowshoeing when I have a girlfriend who is there with me.  There still exists this power differential and I don’t know if she can keep her mouth shut about sex with me.  I guess that many of these musings shall be answered after Thursday.  I have to go commute in through the snow in an hour, so I’m signing off for this day.

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Break-up Girl

I was her last summer.  Then I succumbed to the sexual energy of my ex and we spent August and September dating again, but then I realized that I had moved through what I needed to in my miserable summer, and had my rebound that I needed as well.  Now, I’m not seeking that either.  I’m just not Break-up Girl anymore.

We saw one of my favorite performers last night.  My workout partner bought tickets and I owe her money for them.  I should have bought the opener’s flashdrive, as she was excellent, but I’ll probably just see if Panda has her albums after I get my Mac repaired.  Shit, I need to drop that off today too.

Anyway, the headliner’s sets were obviously in the stylings of Break-up Girl, so it wasn’t as peppy as I had expected.  It’s funny that one of the things that I kept thinking over and over is that her ass is as nice as my ex’es.  I turned around after a few songs and told my workout partner that she really has an incredible ass and she said, “I noticed that as soon as she turned around to switch guitars and knew that you were probably VERY happy.”   Hahahaha!  The other thing was the namesake of this blog, and that is that she is still very much entrenched in her loss of a perspective marriage and her ex-bf.  So, her show had that “getting through being without you” feel and was pretty sombre and included sad songs and ballads as well.  I would have alternated songs, but I don’t perform, so.  It was still fun.  I LOVE live music.

I’m sooooo glad to be where I am.  I know that Thursday will be weird at times, but honestly, I can just be me, and I think that really I have been comfortable with that for most of my life.  The last thing that I had to do to embrace being ok was to come out, and I think that I may tell some of that story in my church when I give the sermon in July.  I’m not sure, but I will make it personal.

I have that Boot Camp again in about an hour and a half, and then my son plays basketball–it’s his second to last game.  I have to go to the university to pick up the gold standard test of ability (used for adults) and a projective kit that I like.  She has had some trauma, and doesn’t have a car, so today is also some case management as I have to transport her to a library because the main building is closed.  I will be fried after the eval, but I also have to see my young male client at his house and get new sessions scheduled for him now that he has started sports.

Then my new friend that I have through one of my best friends who is finishing school in CA, is having me at her parents’ house for dinner and I finally get to meet her girlfriend.  My friend said that she is very sweet, so I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  Tonight we are playing quiz.  We are meeting the engineer there too.  I’m so not into her, but she is smart, so we will probably win again.  I’ll text a few more friends if my workout partner and her out-of-town company do not come to quiz.  It’s fun to win.

It’s only fun to meet good girls.  I want to go on a date.  I should join a new meetup.  I may do that, but don’t think that now is the right time, because I’d be frustrated that their times don’t work with my schedule.  It may just have to be that late spring is the time for new girls.  I don’t think that one will drop out of the sky.

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And you haven’t changed a bit

Derivative of where I am on this leg of my journey, I had some insights before I went to bed.  My son was super cool and wished to practice his lay-ups last night, so I ran 2.25-miles.  I can start the 5K Loop Program in three-weeks, so that is good too.  Anyway, I realized that starting in 2009 when I was newly out (just two-years), I was really with Shane.  That name is probably even more accurate than the drunk.  Now, I think that although I agree that I am as my shrink suggests working toward what I want, dating Bette for arguably about a year–but, really, if someone religiously breaks up with you for four-months, it is not dating, but is being in 7th grade–wasn’t quite what I’m looking for either.  Certainly, Bette is more of a girl you can take home with you, but she isn’t one to ever be open and share–there is no vulnerability with Bette and all she knows is control.

I think that when she left the voice recording and there is this pregnant pause before she says, “on the business front,” that I knew in my heart that her dating is also what is progressing…  Then of course, she left another voice recording on Monday–probably because she had a weekend with her–saying that in all fairness she needed to talk to me before the psychic.  I called her and said that I felt the presence of another woman since December and congratulations.  She did what she always does, which listen to it (likely a couple times) and then call me back.  It was easy to talk to her.  I am reasonably sure who the girl is too, and she is not her physical type, so we shall see how long she dates her, but anyway, I didn’t ask questions about it, but congratulated her and updated her a little on  my 60-hour work weeks and the like.  She texted that night and said how proud she was of me.  She must think that I’m a little less intuitive than I am, because she’s proud that I’m not dating anyone.  I told her that I’d email her.

I did.  I thanked her for getting me motivated to get in the best shape of my life, for showing me the gifts of a dog with your son, for teaching me about getting things ready for your kid when you don’t see him and are working, and for being there when I fell completely in love and learned to be vulnerable.  I do very much value these lessons.  Then, she promptly added me to her social media site.

Umm?  Three removals and look at your son who I miss desperately?  No thanks.  I doubt that I’ll ever add her either because she took me off three times, and I told her as much.  She continued to argue.  She is a piece of work.  She also emailed me five or six times yesterday.  I’d be smoking pissed if a woman who I was newly dating did that with her ex; although, I know her well enough that she would say that we “are trying to get a friendship on track.”  However that is an interesting way to put her fervent emailing and question firing, because she also did make reference to an artist that we would listen to sometimes when we had hours of hot sex.  You could almost miss the double entendre, but I didn’t, nor did I bite, and she is still a baiter.  Another reason that she is a lot like Bette…

I finally said that I did too much talking today and I will just catch up with her next week at the event for which we have tickets.  I really don’t miss Bette, I miss our sex life, but that’s it.  We don’t live on the same planets or subscribe to the same tenants about relationships with others.

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Middle of winter

It’s finally gotten cold.  I wish that it would snow.  I don’t like summer fires and hope that there is something that shall ensue to help us here rid ourselves of that as a possibility.  I’ll do some snow dances.

My weekend was great.  After my son’s basketball game, I went around to several stores, but I couldn’t find nice cuts of NY strip, and by then it was getting late, so I just scaled down the menu.  (I still had a lot of cleaning to do.)  I made fusilli with roasted tomatoes and braised asparagus and chicken picata.  Of course I laid out a ton of antipasto and also made my famous salad.  I can make steak carbonara another time.  Everyone loved the food.

Then we played The Game again.  I can’t believe how hard I laughed, but because I was at a Boot Camp Saturday morning and the first five sets were based in Crossfit practices, those two things combined have made my abs hurt so bad!  I had nothing left yesterday afternoon after walking my dog, so I ate dinner with my workout partner, took a bath, and went to bed.

I feel good this morning.  The woman who moved six states away emailed again and told me that she was going to send my son a gift if it was ok.  It’s fine.  I know that she would never drink around him again, so she is also welcome to visit this summer.  I guess that now that the last two women who I have dated have actually mattered, I can work a little for amiability.  It’s easy with her, because there is no romantic love or passion there at all.

Not the case with my ex at all, and that is going to be so difficult to navigate.  I know that it’s foundational to be nice and kind to someone.  She just doesn’t seem to be able to do that with me, so it should be a non-issue, but it’s not.  I know that I deserve to be treated as well as I treat her, but the gloves are just off (Or is it my clothes?) after we hang out for awhile.  I wish that we got along, but we don’t, and she doesn’t have time for me really anyway, or would she be willing for us to see someone.  I guess that I have ultimately come to that she needs someone who is unaffected by her moods.  I’m just not that mellow.

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Positiveness

Well, if I wasn’t finishing my degree, I do feel confident that I’m getting good at building a client-base and would have private practice work.  I would just need to get on some insurance panels.  Even clients with dark secrets and a lot going on, keep their appointments with me.  That’s good too, because when my doc is done, I will need to still do one late night and probably test on Saturdays–or at least every other one on the latter.  It’s going to be great to not be broke.

My ex sent me a voice recording today thanking me for the card that I sent her nearly two weeks ago.  I hate my mail too, so I get that.  It is going to be interesting to see her at the end of the month.  I do miss having sex with her, and I still miss the fall of 2011.  I’m sure that at some point, even those memories will fade.

I had a coming-out affair when I turned 33.  That will be six-years ago this fall.  (I had a girlfriend in high school and also one in college, but they were both covert.  I know that my Mom just pretended like she didn’t know.)  In the not-so-distant past, I had the heart-racing, oh, shit I really am gay, whirlwind love affair that fucked me up in total for a year.  I was a mess.  Looking back, it is nothing that a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic wouldn’t have remedied, but it was awful.  It took me a long time to pick up the pieces.  I can only remember my heart racing all the time when I’d think of her, and that I felt physically charged making the final few turns to her house.  I don’t have any other memories of her that are very strong.

I’m not like that with respect to my ex, which is how I know that I really did fall in love with her.  She was very kind and positive in her voice recording.  She is actually going to be a local celebrity very soon, and I think that her product, as it has two retailers now, should make her famous.  I think that if things are going that well for you, it’s probably easy to wish an ex well.  I liked her recording though, and I am glad that she and I are amiable.

 

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Foresight

One of my friends calls me a little strega.  Her Italian grandmother was that way.  I think that must be a peasant term though, because my son has a book that obviously takes place in Eastern Europe in which part of the title is that word, but I identify and look most like my Italian side.  My friend, who is half Italian, means it like clairvoyance or what is called “being sensitive” by Proloux.

It isn’t just the whole thing with my ex who moved away, but it’s also that my recent ex emailed me yesterday.  She emailed me when I was looking at the friend across the table from me and getting ready to tell her that because she was so close with her grandmother, she should be going to the event that I have two tickets for at the end of the month.  The event involves flaky pursuits related to death.  I didn’t tell her about my tickets, because we got busy with our kids.  My ex emailed that she would keep her promise to me and would go.  I think when I was ready to ask my friend, my ex emailed.  I had intentionally left my phone in her car because I didn’t want to drag it around with me while we shopped and ate.

When you tell people that you are intuitive and that you know things, they look at you as if you’re a crackpot.  Although I have to rely on empirical, and also short-term methods at work, I do feel and notice factors that others probably pay no attention to, and I can feel energy.  The energy can be 50-miles away or six states away too.

The same friend, who I was with, who calls me strega, who has a kid eight-months older than mine said that when you are intimate with someone, some of her or him is always part of you.  I certainly have felt deaths and other things from my exes.  She is probably right.  I didn’t tell her that my ex emailed, because I would have gotten an earful.  I went back to our conversation and plans at the time.  In fact, because she is the same friend whose ex husband has cancer, I always concentrate only on her when we are together, which is typically twice a month.  When we left the store we were all shopping in, I told her that I had to tell her what I felt two-weeks ago.  I told her the whole weird story about my ex who moved though, and she said, “I knew that you’d tell me something like that.”

It wound up that I couldn’t confirm plans with my ex for the event until really late last night.  I was at my friend’s house after we shopped, and then I had to cook, walk our dog, eat, and play with my son as I promised this weekend.  He didn’t get to bed until an hour-and-a-half past his bedtime.  It would probably be nicer if I wasn’t so into good food.  Most people micro cook whatever, and I know that days are longer because I do cook.  Oh well.  Last night was a pretty late one for my son’s school night.

Initially I was a little flustered when I read the email.  Then I got to a place wherein I didn’t have to or think it appropriate either to disclose stuff, but rather emailed a few sentences.  I guess that I kinda followed suit and just did well wishes, but I also thanked her for dropping me a line and confirmed our plans.  It will be weird to have  a drink before if she’s dating someone, but I’m the one who wanted to be amiable, so.  I can’t tell if she is or not.  We should only very rarely run into each other, so I think that pleasantness is really possible.  That makes me happy given where I was when we were together.  I’m just simply ready to be vulnerable with a girl who is nice to me, and who I get along with most of the time.

On Saturday, I told my friend’s sister (We went to a bday party for a kid just three-years younger than my son.) about how I’ve changed during these nearly six-years.  I am ready for a real connection.  Passion and lust aside, I do want to seek compatible interactions.  I just still am confused how you meet girls.  I’m ready when I see her.

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Getting there

I wouldn’t say that I was at peace…  But, I would say that it is really nice to have absolutely no contact from my ex–well, with the exception of a bday well wish message for my son that she left last Monday–and be able to continue to realize that she didn’t work for me.  I really don’t want someone who has to complain about me all of the time when finally she has stopped throwing up something that I wrote in my face, which took her ten-months.  I’m not actually sure why 1) I went out on a date with her in the first place, and 2) I went back to her house after that date.  If someone tells you that you are going to be her friend and fires questions at you so she doesn’t have to talk, it is probably just more disarmament.

That’s an odd way to live.  Having superficial friendships with people–because they need you and ask you for advice all the time so you can play dime store psychologist, and you never share anything about you–and then when you have something tripped or you feel fearful, you get the edge in conversation by making others uncomfortable.  I certainly was on the receiving end of both of these things, but I didn’t want her advice, because I don’t need it, and I stopped letting her throw me off balance.  Her exes over the course of her adult life have desperately needed her.  I’d prefer to have a partner, but it’s not a must.  It’s just a value that I have and one that I hope that I do fulfill at some point.  And I certainly don’t need this girl to rescue or save me.

There are some qualities that I’m seeking, but one of my friends said that kind of thinking is dangerous, because it’s difficult to find someone who is seeking the same things as you.  I want to consider her feelings and be a solid girl to fall back on when things are difficult.  I think respect should be paramount for both of us.  I know a lot of things about living, but I’d love to learn more.  When the woman who moved six states away from me and I redefined as a distance relationship, I really liked traveling with her and taking in things.  The only thing that was a disconnect was that she would usually get drunk, and she was unable to hike and walk long distances.  I have learned the importance of getting away though, and that is good.

I don’t think that I took anything away that I enjoyed from my ex.  I just improved myself some.  I have become quite fit, and I think about what I can be doing early to make the evening go smoothly for my son and I.  I just changed some habits as a result of being with her.  I also got a dog for my son, which I think of as an improvement in lifestyle.

I think that I am nearly free from her now.  I dreamt that sent me several texts, and all of them were kind, but I don’t think that is going to happen.  I think that she is done with contacting me because I don’t need her advice, and we can’t be casual.  I am on my road to peace.

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Closure

No, that is bullshit, because I don’t believe it.  I just wanted a one word title this morning before I go into work and my night site.  People are dynamic, and as they learn, change, and have other influences which are external or result through connections with others, and they also change with respect to grieving the loss of another or a relationship.  I know myself well enough at this stage of my life that I just wait and think and act when I know that it’s right or it feels like the right thing to do.  When I was younger, I’d fly off the handle and simply react, but I’ve outgrown that.  This change is one of the main reasons that my ex and I wouldn’t work.  She says almost everything that pops into her head and is also hot-headed.  I don’t do that anymore and have learned to simply slow the hell down.

I woke up on Sunday with the drunk heavy in my mind.  After talking to a few people (close friends), I determined that maybe I should confront her in specific about her alcoholism.  Yesterday, this feeling turned to my being worried that something happened to her, so I just e-mailed her.  Turns out that she had her thyroid removed.  We have exchanged some e-mails and I certainly told her that I always worry about her health and what she does to her body that it doesn’t need.  I feel good about my contact too.  She had emailed me 8-mos ago and I only answered it now; although, I did so in a completely new thread.  She said, “I miss you both very, very much,” so this am, not wanting any mixed messages, I told her about my internship plans, my lack of desire to ever move, and that I am seeking a healthy relationship.  However, it is interesting to be back in touch with her.  We have known each other four-years this summer.  Wouldn’t that be great if I could get to this comfy level with my ex?!?  She left a bizarre message for my son on Monday morning.

I don’t believe in closure, but I’m tying up loose ends.  I’m living authentically and mindfully.  I work around the clock, but I still take time for me, connect to my son, and stay fit.  Now, over the next six-months, I want to meet some nice girls.  My cousin told me that I could delay sex about as well as I could grown horns when I was with her last night at Happy Hour.  I just want to actually know the next girl I date.  We shall see.  Or you will, as I nakedly chronicle my many years of dating here!

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Flake with goals

I succumbed to having an internet reading done, and my number is 4, and because I’m not deep in knowledge of numerological stuff, I don’t know what it means exactly, but my chart does some shifting on Tuesday.  That would be the 22nd.  I do get that.

How the hell do you meet new girls?  I met the drunk as I have said, in a bar, and then oddly, I went to a church for the very first time in many years (And this church was brand-new to me.) two weeks after I told her that we would not only be totally broken up but cool contact for a year or more, and I prayed to meet new friends.  That is the truth.  I went to a BBQ on THAT Sunday and met my ex through an ex-colleague’s (who is hosting a Happy Hour on Monday) colleague.  My former colleague’s friend from work is best friends with my ex.  (It sure as hell is hard to blog incognito, but I am afraid that I would make clever names for everyone that would hurt anonymity.)

I texted my new couple friends who I adore yesterday.  It is her bday this weekend and she said that her girl was treating her like a princess.  That is very cool.  They met on a highway.  That is the truth as well.  They were both driving over the Continental Divide–one solo, and one with friends–and the solo one needed CDs.  She signaled the one with friends to roll down her window and said, “Do you have any music?”  The solo one was married at the time, and the other one was involved with a woman who would not be “out” and say that she was her girlfriend.  They took a year of hanging out when they both moved here before they ever dated.

My good friend met her girl at work because she womans a front desk.  Their story, which I only heard last Sunday was cute because you could spot my friend as being a lesbian from far, far away, but her girl is very feminine.  So, when my friend was not getting it, her now-girl said, “Well, my ex-wife and I used to go there for coffee.”  The rest is recent history.

My colleague and her partner who I have been hanging out with as of late met in HI.  They were working in different fields, but wound up talking a lot as when you live in that state, you are on, an island.  I don’t know which one of the islands, but they have a sweet story as well.

I don’t know how my friend that I have through another friend met her girlfriend, but my friend who was here for her bday and Christmas said that her girl is very sweet.  I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  The both seem really mellow.

You can’t really tell by looking at me that I’m gay.  I have a feminine presentation, but I’m muscular and assertive and have a very deep voice, so when someone new hangs out with me, they usually know.  They don’t know superficially though, because I just present bold and for the most part, women can be outspoken, at least in this area of the country, without drawing too much attention to themselves.  I don’t have to come out to anyone though after they have hung out with me three or four times.

My straight colleagues tend toward loving jewelry or talking about men a lot when they are more extroverted and straightforward, and I think that makes it so no one would question their sexuality.  I’m pretty friendly with everyone at work, so they know who I am, and I’m sure that they would mention a girl to me if they thought that I’d hit it off with her…  So, again, how do you meet women?

I’ll keep putting my bad, single self out there of course.  I can do that starting tomorrow at my ex-colleague’s Happy Hour too, as she has a collection of friends who she has always thought that I would hit it off with, and it’s funny to me that when her colleague was interacting with me two years ago that she thought that my ex and I were exactly the same.  My colleague told her, “You can have my friend exchange emails with your best friend, but probably nothing is going to happen because my friend is really picky.”

And I am, and I was not attracted to my ex via picture when my ex-colleague sent me one.  I thought that she had great arms and was a little bit cute, but definitely did not look like my type and looked way older than she is because she is always in the sun–you can’t do that here, because you get leathery.  My ex is not that photogenic as it turns out.  However, in one picture that she sent me much later, I thought that she had beautiful eyes.  And she does, and has the best ass that I’ve ever seen.  She was my first short girl.  Then Peter Pan was super short, but that wound up grossing me out.  I like a little heft and do really enjoy height, because you get those great legs then.  Uh oh.  Getting shallow here…  Been a month since sex, so that tends to happen as a derivative.

When I met the drunk, I told my buddy who works a front desk, “I’m going out tonight, and if she’s cute, tall, smart and funny, she is going home with me!”  And my buddy said, “Good luck with that,” in a super snotty way.  She was pissed as all get out when the drunk walked in and met my gaze and gave me a great smile.  I like that too.  I have been with three women with incredible, light-up-your-whole-face, smiles.

So, I’m ready.  I plan on riding my number waves of four, but will do so sensibly and try at least to somewhat stick to my 20 daylight dates.  I hope.  I don’t delay sex very well.

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Save it for the cookies

I’m not sure if there is a script for this whole looking thing.  I wish that I could say that I can do completely casual for a a long time.  However, if I think back to every girl who I slept with the exception of the little liar, I have to be very attracted to a girl in order to date her.  So, when I reflect further, it’s maybe not possible to have tons of hang outs with single girls.  I don’t do well with anything open.  I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once.

Maybe it subsides when you learn that…  She chews with her mouth open or she doesn’t wash her hands with soap?  I don’t know.  I do know that as soon as I’m in a relationship with a girl, I don’t even look.  One of my best friends calls me “bizarrely monogamous.”  I just think that I work hard and pour myself into things very strongly, so I don’t have energy to expend that is significant in different directions.

Something interesting happened with one of my clients lately.  She told me about how she originally didn’t like a girl who became her best friend, and then over the course of a year, her “best friend” did some really shady shit to her.  I came to that she has good intuition and should not ignore it–meaning that she knows quickly who is who.  I told her that is her lesson and that is never to second-guess because she gets people quickly.

I know that I can’t follow a script, but I get people quickly too.  I won’t rush my year-before-living-together, but I will trust that I know.  My ex did push and pull and wordsmithed what I wrote and later what I said within two weeks.  The little liar just didn’t “feel right” to me and I succumbed to her pursuit games.  And hell, I met the drunk, in a BAR!  I wish that there was a factory approach to finding an incredible girl, but it just doesn’t seem to work that way in the world of dating.

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Peeps

Well, I get a three-day with my son this weekend, which is good.  I spent this weekend getting lots of things done, so I didn’t have as much time to clean because I also went out on Saturday.  This weekend, I should get some solitary stuff together for my son to do inside the house because his bday is next weekend and we should save money.  I have Happy Hour on Monday, so that is my adult social thing that I will do.

My friend who just turned 37 is so cool–we went out for her bday on Sat.  She has an arty way about her, but she also tends toward connecting well with the person who she is talking to.  She was very late, so I talked with one of the bartenders in this trendy spot.  He came over and said, “Can I get you something?”  I told him that I didn’t  know that my friend would be this late, and he said, “I’m like that too.”  I nodded and then said, “Oh?’  He told me about his 8-month relationship and how his girlfriend can’t stand his running late, and then I said, “Well, she is an amazing person, and we all have faults so I don’t really care about this fact.”  He smiled and laughed.  I elaborated and explained how if you are basically a good person and just do one thing, and you probably don’t always do it, as long as it isn’t a dealbreaker, it doesn’t affect anything that much.  He said, “Well, I didn’t ever come to her late until after 3-months.”  I told him that everyone does nice things for three-months, and if he really wants to change this fact about himself, he can develop new habits.  He said, “I was so fucking bored.  Some of the people who come in here are…  You’re so for real!”  I congratulated him on his 8-months and he bought me a drink.  Because she got there an hour-and-a-half past our start time, I was there for five-hours.  They have cool art though, and we enjoyed that and brilliant conversation.

I talked to one of the soloists at church yesterday.  In fact, we had a long conversation.  She is soft butch and has incredible eyes.  She and her partner have two kids.  She works for an agency in private practice and has all her clinical hours done too.  Anyway, she asked if my bday twin was my gf.  I said, “No, she’s straight, and I outgrew that at 22.  I’m also very single.”  She has been with her partner for five-years and married for three, and she said, “I have outgrown that too, but it just took me awhile.”  I told her that from the security point, that it is heartbreaking for me, so I will not be doing it, and she talked about the thrill of the catch.  I realized that I have really gotten old.

Five couples will be at the dinner party next month.  After you hang out with that many happy people, you have to have some good energy.  One of my friends who is coming said, “I think it’s lesbian osmosis.”  I laughed and thought that was pretty good, but what I really want to do in general is be around people who I can laugh with and feel their happiness.  One of my good friends and her gf came over for dinner last night so that my first introduction to her would not be the party, and they are really into each other, but they are new. Lots of things will settle in this year and her girl is a major extrovert and my buddy is very private, and quiet.  I’m not sure how that dynamic will be for the long haul, but my friend and I have been friends for five-years, so it would have been really weird not to invite her.  One of the other couples does nearly the commute that I just had.  They are extremely happy too, because they made an incredible impression on my friend who was home for her bday and the holidays, so I think that it will be good to be with them too.

I like to be around happy people.  I like to joke lightly with folks when they get too serious or they don’t see the humor in lots of situations.  I like stimulating conversation and want to share some of my hobbies with a woman.  I especially want to cook for her. As I begin these pre-dating ventures, I will bring a buffer person or couple to my house, so that when I’m going to bed, I can just say, “Well, goodnight everyone,” and get coats.  I’m not about to engage in physical intimacy until I have some good data about a girl, and good or bad, that does take time.