Tag Archives: Sex

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Not into her

It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me.  I can use some downtime.  I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want.  I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox.  I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now.  In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.

I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months.  I met her in June of 2009.  When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone.  It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things.  I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October.  Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year.  However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip.  I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f.  Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.”  I guess that happened with my ex too.

She started breaking up with me once a month since January.  I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September.  Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening.  And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months.  Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow.  Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.”  To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”

What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl.  I would like some time to elapse.  It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college.  She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together.  When do you really know someone?  It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex.  I just won’t.  However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer.  Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself.  People sure are weird.

The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it.  Also, right now she is dating some men.  Nope.  I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night.  She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.”  No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman.  Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.

Again, I have not met her yet…  I am looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable
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On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

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Sex

So, we did finally catch up and the conversation was just fine.  It wasn’t free and easy like it was prior to our cold F2Fs this summer, but it was just fine.  It must, actually, have been better for her because then she propositioned me for sex three-and-a-half hours later.  If I feel healthy tonight I’ll go fulfill that because it’s been a month.  Yesterday I was excited for it in a lustful way, but today my cold doesn’t feel that great and because I won’t date her or even contact her–I will however respond–I would probably hook up with her monthly or a little less.  I know that I’m still in love with her, but given how she jumps my shit all the time, I’d never want anything serious with her unless we went to counseling.  She needs to get her act together with respect to conflicts with others, and that is independent of me because I told her that I didn’t want to date anymore after she marked me down and slowly cancelled plans like a blue light special.

I started feeling like it was really her who is selfish earlier last month when I tried to connect with her about feeling stressed about work and she told me to go to my psychologist.  I didn’t say, “Screw you,” but I did realize that she is not the best supporter.  She does like giving financial advice, but I think that’s distasteful, so I told her that must cease.  So, we shall see what transpires tonight.  I could go either way on sleeping at her house tonight.  I’m not antsy for it this morning like I was last night.  I do love our sex life.  I think that it’s the only thing that she doesn’t try to control.

I did head up after a I took a bike ride.  I went with a new friend.  I like her.  I like meeting new lesbians.  I spilled though and really bruised my right ring finger.  I’m not ready for a gay marriage evidently.

We talked for about an hour.  I knew that there was more that she needed to tell me and it was that she had a first date, but the woman told her that she doesn’t talk much unless it’s her best friend or her mother, so she told her that she doesn’t know how she will get to know her.  That’s fine.  I knew that this time around that given that it’s different and I won’t date her without counseling, that she would move on, and it’s really because I’m not that worth it to her.  Not meant to be.

We had good lovemaking.  However, when a dog outside was disturbing her, I could see the writing on the wall that I would be blamed for talking so I said, “You aren’t usually bothered by anything outside although it’s loud at your house, so I’m going to head home so you can sleep,” and she said, “You don’t have to put that on me.  I appreciate your need to go home if you can’t get to sleep here.”  I told her that I have not slept well in a month, but that I could tell that she is not sleeping.  I left out the fact that I would be blamed later for that.  It’s not my problem anymore.  I’m not the designated asshole.

That I don’t ever text her bothers her deeply, so I’ll text her from the soccer field tonight and say that I hope that she had an incredible day.  I will also hope that she keeps our date on Friday.  If not, I will text her each night and ask when I can bring up food for her.  I will find jokes and funny stories to e-mail to her while she recovers.  Unless my cousin goes to her party the first part of December, I’d rather stick a hot fire poker in my eye (Please note that I have borrowed her line there), so I’ll wait to Feb to make plans.  I’m pretty pragmatic.  She’ll want me if she doesn’t start dating someone.  I can do that and her anytime that she asks.  That part of our relationship always works, but we just don’t have conflict resolution skills.

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Steadfast

I used to say religiously, “I’m not taking her back,” and that level of black and white doesn’t even sound like me.  Now, I say, “Your actions confuse me.”  I don’t get why she texts at night before she goes into her work week at night.  She knows that I won’t just engage and be super friendly.  I will answer direct questions, but I am not going to be chatty and exchange details with someone who I have dated for ten-months total, and that I didn’t know over a year ago.  I have tons of friends to talk about the hell that I had with my son this weekend and the fact that most of it was fragmented and he played so rough with his best friend last night that he hurt him.  I talk to my FRIENDS about that.  Plus, I’m not into superficiality, but rather connection.  I had a huge dinner on Saturday with a friend who I have had a friendship with since 5th grade at one of my colleague’s houses with whom I have just gotten closer, and closer over the last 11-years.  I have connections with friends.

I would not say that I don’t need her.  Because she is the only one who I can imagine kissing.  It is interesting to me that when I kissed for the first time the girl from summer it wasn’t even nice.  She is not a good kisser.  It had been awhile since I had been with a girl who didn’t kiss well.  Like over three-years, and I was surprised that I even went further.  I was just lonely.  That’s the huge contrast currently.  I’m not lonely.  I just think that my ex is afraid of taking a step with me for a variety of reasons, but it does translate to me that I’m not worth it to her in that realm.  However, someday we will likely be quite amiable.

I told her that I won’t text unless I have to tell her something about my son or if something would happen let’s say to my parents.  Otherwise, I will drop off a lot of food and visit her a couple of days before her surgery so I can synch her iPod.  I love a playlist that I made that is the namesake of one of my current blogging categories.  “I’m not the one to try to tell you lies, but the truth is that you’ve been hiding from it too,” are incredible lyrics as are many from the other 14 songs that I put on there.  Instead of speaking through the subterfuge of lyrics solely, I will also make a playlist of about 30 triumphant songs too so she has something to listen to while recovering.  I don’t think that I wrote that I was exactly right, and that is that she tore some of her muscles in the area where they took her son out when she had him.  I knew that she didn’t have cancer.  When you’re in love with someone and intimate with them, you just would know if he or she was sick.

I remember this summer a rather innocuous conversation that we had and it was nice.  I remember realizing that you probably can be friends with an ex, and I do believe that.  My friend and colleague who I cooked with this weekend said, “No you can’t!  You are in love with her and that won’t work!”  I told her in a few years I’ll be able to be her friend.  Again, she lives so far away from me that it won’t be close, I am sure, but what would honestly crush me is seeing her out by chance and have her be completely cold.  She is good at that too, so I’d rather just build some amiability.  I think that in my heart, I know that she really fears going to counseling with me and a woman like me presents real challenges for her.  When she withdraws, I’d really rather just know where she is at, so I can hold her tight, but like another Cameron Crowe line she is “not built that way,” so I really will just hold out.  I will not just sleep with some girl to numb this pain, because that is not what I’m looking for either.

I want to find someone

  1. Sexy
  2. Funny
  3. Smart
  4. Who I see and just feel a chemical hit
  5. Who truly wants to completely connect to me
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Never settling

I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be.  Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast.  What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight.  And God, does she fight mean.  It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated.  She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?”  Nope.

It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain.  Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed.  I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad.  I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance.  I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it.  That is my stuff though.  I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner.  I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.

In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed.  I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision.  The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb.  Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song.  I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done.  Might as well keep doing it.”  The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build.  You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain.  With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much.  It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”

Now, I want to be alone.  I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete.  Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone.  The first time was when I was 14.  The second time was when I was 23.  The next time was when I was 33.  Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain.  There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”

 

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Coming Out

So, it has been five-years for me…  But, that was just to make it official.  Having thought that I was supposed to have been born a boy, I just did masculine things like rough play, action figures, and bike stunts.  However, if you look at me when I was younger I look like my son with dark coloring, so it is not a surprise that I came out, but it’s very odd that I did when I did.  Honestly, I went around with my shirt off and only played with boys.  Later in 5th and 6th grade, I had some friends who were girls and then the awkwardness ensued.  I remember being aroused sitting in one girl’s house when I was about twelve, and middle school slumber parties were agony and hell.

I had sex with a girl first when I was 15.  I was with her off and on–she was off sometimes with boyfriends–but I didn’t even kiss a boy until college.  And it was weird.  I think that I’ve kissed three boys, and I don’t think that they kiss worth shit actually.  (I do know that it’s just that lack of chemistry which I have with males.)  My first girlfriend, meaning the one that I had all through hs, was mentally ill though and actually wound up in a mental hospital during what would have been our sophomore year of college.

Then, there was my college roommate.  Hot.  To be honest, I still can look at her eyes in pictures and see what I saw then.  She always had to get next to me.  The distance would get smaller and smaller.  After about three-months, we cuddled.  Then the following year, we would sleep together, but nothing physical happened beyond holding each other tight.  It was nice, but chaste.  It was not until the following fall that I was laying next to her in bed, like I usually did, but then I undressed her.  I can still remember that night, which is funny, because I have no memories that are sexual from my first girlfriend.  I remember with terror when she told me, “You know, this is the second time that this has happened to you, so did you ever consider that you are a lesbian?”  NOPE.

I so wanted to be “normal,” and never dealt with it.  I had an eleven-year relationship with a man.  We even have a kid together and we are amiable enough.

I touched her hand in 2005 and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!” which I did, successfully, for over two-years, but when my boss transferred me, it was unbearable.  Also, she is a shameless flirt!  I am really taken with those damn Geminis, although they are bad for me.  (She has a Moon in Gemini, and my lost love has an Ascendant in it.)  After about a month, we were lingering at Happy Hour after everyone had gone.  She came out to me finally.  Then we met once for a drink on the weekend and I told her, “I have had sex with a woman,” and she said, “You have?!?”  I didn’t tell her two relationships, but I did tell her all about my college girlfriend.  About this time five-years ago, we made out on her couch for two-hours.  I can remember her kisses and a few things that she taught me about sex; although, there were certainly things in my skillset as I had been with women for about 5.5 years prior to her, but she was my first lesbian.

Now, here I am…  I’m 38-years-old.  I have been out for five-years with everyone, and I believe this year marks the crossover to more years with girls than my only male stint that I will ever have.  I know people are attracted to the person, but hell no, not I.  I’m attracted to their smells, their skin, the swell of their hips, their eyes, the way they kiss and then all of the sexual aspects of  women.  That’s me.  I’m a lesbian and just over five-years ago while making lists of who I had told, and who I needed to know was getting very small.  Now there are never tears and it’s rare to even be asked, because I know, don’t have to broadcast, and have worked through internalized homophobia.  I’m gay.

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Firm

I think that  I get lured in because she’s sexy and because we do have great sexual intimacy, but I was reflecting on why that is and I think that is where her guard is down.  Otherwise she is guarded, scared and angry particularly when someone is close.  It’s not like she hasn’t been giving me warnings…  She told me the last weekend that I saw her that we could have an amazing friendship if we didn’t work out, and I told her that it wouldn’t be close.  She was pissed and said, “Well, then we can have a friendship with no depth.”  I told her that the depth would always be there given what we shared, but that if we didn’t work out as partners a close friendship is inappropriate.  So, I think that we are social media friends.  My friends and I don’t have fights where we call each other basically big babies and make accusations about each other’s characters and that is because I wouldn’t have someone with those types of characteristics as a close friend.  She is an ex who I loved more deeply than I thought capable.

I have four best friends.  One is from middle school, so he is basically like a childhood friend.  I don’t see him often, but because of history we have good times around the holidays and the like.  I don’t think that he selects good mates for him, and I know that he misses his sons, but he doesn’t see one at all and the other he only talks to weekly on the phone.  This is probably why I don’t see him frequently. Meaning that he and I don’t lead our lives in the same fashion.  I have another best friend from graduate school and I have been there as she is getting healthy with relationship, which is admirable.  I think I’m getting closer, but am not quite where she is.  I do have an example of when we have fought…  She stopped talking to me for almost three months when my ex broke up with me after New Year’s Day this year.  She told me that I should not invite in crazy, and I guess that I have gotten something out of her instability for the past nine-months off and on.  I just can’t navigate mean and I told this best friend that yesterday on the phone–she lives on the East Coast.  She was right though and I have to send her something this week, so I need to tell her that because I neglected to do so on the phone.

I have another best friend who I met because I did contract work for her.  She also lives far away and because I just haven’t had pay increases really while stuff continues to rise in cost, I don’t see her too much and she’s not a phone person.  However, we always do have each other’s back and we have had some wild times together that I miss.  Although those types of times have passed, we got even closer during them when we were doing things that we probably uncharacteristic of us.  My last best friend lives here…  It is very hard to see her frequently because I seem to drive my son to his classes all the time.  I miss her, because it is so easy to be with her.  Her youngest kids are in between the age of my son, and she simply loves it when I cook for her.  I won’t be driving 80-miles in a roundtrip anymore to see a woman whom I am dating, so I think that every other Thursday I can see her again, which will be great for us and our kids.  I write this because I’m covered on the friend front.  I also have a whole bunch of other friends too who I see less frequently, and there is now a couple from the trip my ex and I made to the mountains who I’m interested in knowing more.  One is a Mom who I have interest in because she lives close, is outdoorsy, and has a daughter my son’s age.  Another is a neighbor and I have interest in her that I can’t define yet.  She is cute.  I look forward to a bike ride with her soon.

So, great sex does not a partnership make.  Especially when you can assume that most of it is an extension of a couple of perfectionists who are fairly sexual.  I put qualifier on it only for her, because she tends to withdraw there a lot when her mood goes south.  That has gotten old too.

First, project engineer shall begin.  I need to check when she is back stateside as she went on a very cool trip for her 40th.  I kinda still crush on the girl 10-years younger than me, but I really think that a friendship is more responsible.  We shall see how Ms Roadbiker and I are meant to develop.   I’m open to novelty and seeing where things go with other girls.  I am actually excited to date again, and I HATE dating.  I told a friend yesterday that I just fear getting too good at it.

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I’m different

It occurred to me yesterday when I was telling her some details about my day that I’m the one who is really different in this relationship.  She has reminded me that we are just dating, well, then that’s what I’ll show up for and it’s not much really.  I have dated–lots.  That means that we will probably talk right before most weekends and just see each other and that’s it.  The thing is that we talked everyday for six-months, and then it got weird, so we began the dance of what 7th graders tend to do and that’s the break-up/make-up cycle and then I was completely fed up with it Memorial Day, so I bounced.

At that point (May), I was surprised that it was completely over and I was definitely listening to her HeyTells a bunch the following morning, but unfortunately, I wanted to leave a message for a friend and it was on her name in the menu, so I accidentally left her a blank one and that is how we began talking again.  I asked her to go to counseling.  She answered that question f2f six-weeks later and when the answer was, “No,” I had a fling with a semi-friend–who is actually too intense for me–and then when she found out about it, she FLIPPED.  That was odd, because when she wouldn’t go to counseling, I figured that we were done forever.  I had two dates that Sunday.  That knowledge caused her to take me off her social media and not talk to me for 12-hours and then she demanded to see me.  I think that is the only reason that she had sex with me, tbh.  “If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone to.”  Our sex life is good, so if we can have sex once or twice a month that is fine by me.

We would need counseling though.  She is finalizing the property divisions between her and her ex-partner.  She was with her I think for about 6-years, and now, 7-years later, they are finally splitting their properties and the older children are really out of the picture.  That is a long divorce.  I don’t move that slow.  I do wait and observe, but not for 7-years.

I don’t think that she will go to couples’ counseling with me in January.  I think that is why she told me that I should see my psychologist when I was venting about work.  I am currently quite professionally dissatisfied.  I know what I need to do though, and will do it.  I don’t need to pay money to see my psychologist like she suggested.  In fact, like a guy, she is too quick with advice most of the time, so I probably won’t tell her what’s going on for me.  Doesn’t effect dating much, but would effect a partnership.  We couldn’t have a partnership anyway without some direct work with a therapist, so I will probably just date her for awhile.  I do need to get my doctorate done as a first priority, so when I can see her, great.  That’s really it for me.  I’m no different than where I came to on Memorial Day

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Immediacy

So, when I work with kids and also do some work with adults I sometimes have to ask them, “Where are you right now and what are you experiencing?”  That kind of in-the-moment focus helps one not drudge up the past and also aids the ability of a person to be fully present and focused on moving forward.  She came over late last night and we just enjoyed each other fully, and I also made a full breakfast this morning for both of us and my son.  One of the highlights was when my son’s dog busted into the bedroom and lain her body on her.  I told her, “That one is mine, and you’ll have to find your own.”  She loves her and it is obviously reciprocal.  We wound up being all of us piled in the bed and she held my son too.  It was a sweet morning.

Last night she told me that she wanted to get naked and I said, “Well, that sounds great to me,” and she quickly followed it up my affirmation by saying, “Well, not a naked cuddle.  My intention is to fuck, so I just want to be clear.”  I actually really like how direct she is, and still hold that hers and my sex life is incredible and would be impossible to parallel.  We had quite a lot of sex and then drifted off to music via my iPod in a docking station.  It was nice.  We would have had some more lovemaking this morning, but we got in pj’s because my son was awake and all cuddled together eventually.  I can still smell her perfume in my room and will be missing her tonight while she is in the mountains with her mother and son and some of her “adopted” family.

I told her that I just want to hang out with her.  She told me that she just has to be sure.  I told her that there is no “for sure” things, but that I’m not about to bottom line our situation or think that she should trust me within 6-months.  She said that if I gave her an ultimatum, she would bounce.  I didn’t remind her that I told her that I didn’t want to continue after we had tried to reconnect in July and she presented like a corpse, and that it was she who continued to contact me constantly.  I honestly thought because I had hooked up with a girl a few times, and also had two different dates with two different girls that we would never speak again.  Then she got it, and that was if we truly were operating with immediacy, we need to just enjoy and not be so damn guarded.  Saying, “my intention is to fuck” is a great start.  We need to stay here…  Laughing, talking, enjoying each other and our intimacy as best as we are able given very busy and separate lives.

I still love her and told her all last night and this morning.  We do love each other.  We do have incredible amounts of passion and wonderful intimacy in convo and also the sexual realm.  I know that we are in love, and hope that we have the ability for a commitment.  She told me that I treat her better, am not selfish, and say things that are sweeter and sound different than they did before.  She is still grieving her loss, working on finalizing all aspects of her “divorce” from her partner who she has not been with in 7-years, and just wants me, to be me.  I can do that.  It’s the only way I know.

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BME

So, I talked with my ex last night and the conversation felt comfortable.  I wound up thinking, “Maybe it is possible to to friends with an ex?”  However, today when she learned that I had some dates, and of course, sex, she FREAKED out.  I don’t have anything to apologize for a damn thing that I do, as we are not together, but she wigged completely out.  Let it be known that she and I had not had any intimacy for three months.    She continues to tell me about all the offers that she gets, but that she can’t take any of them because she “cares for me” and that is not even accurate.  She had told me about a reading that she had done said that this is her closure year and not a good time to start a relationship, so that’s the reason.  Whatever the reason, you broke up with me every month for three and in the third, I started agreeing with you.  Tonight, you told me in an e-mail that you’d go to therapy with me.  However, that is not bait that I will take.  Have your date on Thursday.  Good for you!

I had two today.  I thought that this girl from church was really cute, so I asked her out.  We picnicked and took a long walk around the park.  I embraced her after we parted after a couple of hours and she squeezed my right bicep.  Yep.

My cycling partner introduced me to this other woman who came to dinner tonight.  She dressed up, brought wine, and talked at length with me.  I liked this evening.  I was worried that she didn’t talk, but she does, and is smart and very stable.  I liked her.  She is a week and two years older than me.  My first date (lunch) is 10-years younger.

Wow.  There is certainly a beginning, middle, and end when you break up completely with the woman who you thought that you were going to marry.  And I’m very interested to see what shall unfold with these two women.  I had a great ending to my weekend!

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NOT who I’m looking for

I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl.  We need to go back to a friendship.  To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating.  Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development.  It’s too relationship-oriented for me too.  If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth.  But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex.  I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.

Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing.  I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her.  I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek.  Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.

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WTF

I don’t know what I am doing.  I know it’s a new girl, but really what does our life path even have the possibility of holding?  She talked about how much she loves kids and would be a great parent and sees herself with a kid, but now since sex, she won’t even hang out with us.  He would have no clue that we were dating, and the rule, which I actually know because I AM a parent, is that you don’t wake up together unless cohabitation is probable.  I don’t think it is in this case with us ever, but I will take time to see.

Here is why I don’t.  I’m working full-time and parenting full-time.  She cooked for me last night, which I thanked her profusely for doing and it was good, and when she came back to my house after 10:00 pm having played some rec sports, she was mad because the ref made only calls against them and they lost, so I had to hear about that for 10-mins.  Really that is souring your mood that much?  She never thought that my day entailed leaving for work, working all day, going to two grocery stores, cooking dinner for my son and his Dad who is graciously watching our son for the next three weeks, working out and then watching her cook (While I opened a beer for her.  She has probably had over a case that I have bought this last month.), and then we had sex.  When she left to play rec sports, I walked my dog.  When I came home, I was spent.  I didn’t even want her to come back, but she had left shoes here.  I listened to her bitch about the ref, I got her stuff to clean her scrapes, but I didn’t drink beers and hang out all day so unlike her, I was falling asleep.

My day is different. Our days will always be different because she works part-time.  As trivial as it  may sound, what you do for a living does affect the way in which you have to organize and live your life.  It’s not just her looks that are polar opposite of my ex, it is also her lifestyle, which is a solely free and easy one.  This is the first time that she made a meal for me and I have made her about 7.  She said that I took advantage of her.  I don’t get that.  Does not add up and seems odd after a few rolls and undefined dating.  I was tired, have been working after my vacation, and I always spend time with her.  Very odd.

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Willpower

It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her.  I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it.  So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me.  It’s sad, because she does this…  She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact.  My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.

My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect.  Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel.  She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again.  There are some things that I must accept about her.  She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.

I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me.  She is sweet.  She is earnest.  She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me.  I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me.  I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking.  I still am looking for a compatible partner.

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Growth

I got mad at her last night, and I’m not going to lie.  She told me all about what her housemate and she have decided about dating a mother, and I told her in addition to neither of them not being parents that they really don’t need to make me out to be a Springer episode.  And they don’t.  We aren’t doing family time, and the latter was only done with my ex because it was the first and only time that I fell head-over-heels in love and believed in a one.  Also, I loved, loved, loved her son, and really can’t click to her social media page because I don’t want to see him.  I loved him and I still do and probably wouldn’t have put up with her shit as much with no backlash had I not felt so connected to him.

Now, I want concerns to be dealt with right away, so I told her that she and I would be seeing each other every other weekend until we make some decisions.  This is dating at it’s purest form and that’s it.  Speculating about my abilities as a parent when your analogy is your str8 sister and your nephew and two nieces that you see about monthly is a poor one.  She knew that she crossed the line and I don’t want her and the woman who she lives who she addresses as “her wife” to make assumptions about me.  It’s judgmental.

I won’t be judged.  I won’t be defined.  I will slowly see what we are.  I will make some decisions after some time has elapsed.  I will communicate clearly and efficiently too when I’m triggered.  After it occurs, I will write about it, and put it away forever, because I wish that my ex could have done that just once with me.  I’m not going to make hash marks.  That is NOT me.

She called me back 5-minutes after we hung up and asked me to tell her a joke.  She said our conversation was odd, and I didn’t remind her to put herself in my shoes, but I did call her back several minutes after we hung up again, and told her one.  We will have fun tonight though…  I just know it.  I’m done with it, told her where my limit is, and I won’t even put energy out where she can talk about my son who she has seen twice.  I want us to discover what “we” are and that should be free of my kid.  That is where my ex and I got convoluted anyway.  No texts since Thursday from the latter, so I plan on enjoying this night to the hilt, and having some good, illicit sex as well.

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Momentum

I feel really good.  I think that although I did coerce her into coming over last night that I was good to her.  She was sore given her camping trip and fast-paced lifestyle that she has.  Also, she had not slept in four-days.  I should have taken melatonin, so I could have slept more soundly after I gave her a deep massage.  Next time…  Saturday that is.  I felt bad that we woke up a lot because I am–let’s face it–stoked to have a naked woman wake up next to me what will be three times this week.  That is so rare for me, and is honestly what I’m looking for longterm.  As is someone to make breakfast for everyday.  That was nice too.

I told her that my lifestyle may not work for her because this will be my busiest 10-months, but if she just wants to see what may develop given that I love hanging out with her and enjoy our sex life, then we can just see what it’s like when we spend more time together and settle into the fall.  We really had some good chemistry there and it is sooooo good to be back in the saddle again.  With my ex, things that were that satisfying became few and far between, so it’s also gratifying.

I’m just going to take this situation day-by-day.  She has housemates who are like family to her, and she frankly does not want to disrupt that much, so it may be that she is not really in the boat for a partner.  I’d be fine with us just having sex and seeing each other when we could and then becoming friends after I’m done with this busy, busy year.  What will be, will be and I feel so much better than I did and am grateful to not be pining for last fall with my ex.

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A taste

That is the bad thing about sex when you are not used to having it as much as you’d like…  You want more.  Damn.  She is out-of-town and I have my son.  I suppose that we will sleep together this weekend anyway.  Damn again!  I wasn’t going to do this kinda thing with her.  Physically, she is not really my type at all, but maybe I’m just so happy to liked for who I am and have someone interacting nicely with me that thinks who I’m sexy and smart.  That’s a good thing.  Sooooo superior to selfish, negative, and creepy when you are unwilling to drive to me, are unsure that I have longterm potential, and want to be free of sexual intensity.  Well, the latter sure has a different spin when you fuck until 5 in the morning and then do it again at 7.

I did tell her that she needs to be dating a non-mother and probably someone her age or younger.  She said that she has done younger.  I will tell you too that she was the first thing on my mind today as were some of the particulars from the 6-hours of sex.  When I called her this morning, I told her that I have no idea what we are.  The thing is that I just want to take a year and see, but I also want her to find someone way less complicated than I am.  I will be working constantly August – May and I have full custody of my son.  That is not constant sex, which is something that she likes.

I can also tell you that for right now, she is nice to talk to and that I’d do her right now if she was in town and I could get a sitter.  I fell in love hard once and it was simple for three-months, so now I think that I feel more comfortable going back to slow, organic development.  I shall see and truly have an ease with her, so I will just take each day with her and see what becomes of it.

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30-day trial is not applying right now

I had hot sex last night and this morning with a friend of mine.  She and I have known each other very vaguely, but we have been hanging out a ton since mid-June.  We went out and when the night waned on, I realized that I was going to sleep with her.  She is also vaguely in love with me, which made it flattering.  She is very smart too, so when we talked about our fate and a one-time thing, it was obvious to me that is just want she wanted as well.  It was nice, and it was very nice to forget about my ex for many hours.

The only thing is that she is ready to date, and I can date every other weekend.  Given that she does not have kids of her own, that is what we could do.  I told her what we both already knew…  We are at different stages of life, that I would not bring my son around our dating, and that she is worth way, way more than a rebound thing.  She deserves the whole package.  I need to heal up completely anyway.

I won’t sleep with her again anytime soon.  I want to do social things with girls and build up my circle of friends.  I used to say that I don’t do my friends, and I wouldn’t, but I just wanted arms around me as did she, because for her, it had been a long, long time.  She is a brand-new friend anyway, because I have known of her, but not known her really until last month.  I hope that this intimate connection will be an impetus for her to meet a girl who is not a Mom to date.

The thing that is amazing is how open she is.  My ex doesn’t take anything that I say at face value.  It’s a competition or I am not being truthful.  With this girl who is my friend it is polar opposite–as are her looks–which meant that I had to talk to her somewhat about the obvious reasons for our sex.  I have no regrets.  It made me feel vital and will help cure me of my ex’s spell.

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Shared Meaning

I can tell you what I’m looking for…  Not a woman who is exactly like me, but one who is open to discovering with me and has that sense of adventure.

I’m not sure that I have been approximating what a well-lived life is, because sometimes I am not balanced, so I’d rather reflect on I what everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus.  So, at least for today, I will write about what I value.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  The sound of water creates pause in my whole being.  I also like the noise that water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up.  When you begin a summit there is water around typically and I love knowing that growth is implicit in my surroundings.

Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy.  Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations.  Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that just unfold naturally, and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.  Organic flow is what I really mean when I think of adventure.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are somethings that I also value.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, around trails or on a singletrack.  I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.  I am sooooo looking forward to my new road bike.  I can’t wait to take her on her virgin ride and see a sunrise on her.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, and that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful and teach me things that I don’t know yet.  I’m prone to fantasy, but it is not just an escape for me, but rather I tend to think of it as what I see in my mind’s eye as a possible future.  When I imagine this partner, in one fantasy, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did.  She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near loud rushing water when the table is up and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets.  She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.
That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my sense of meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team (as co-parent that is my more pragmatic side, but is equally important for my shared meaning that I hope to have).  Life is like rushing water, but your partner can hold your hand, be by your side, or simply look into your eyes and you know you are together.  My sense of meaning comes from the knowledge that although independent, I am not alone.