Tag Archives: Damage

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Gotta stick to it

What a weird weekend.  I was so, so, sad too.  I even cried hard on Saturday and was a little teary yesterday as well.  I have  a first grader so the news was just too much for me.  Anyway, I think that is why somethings that she said, and did, kinda hit me in waves and I have decided now that some manner of friendship is what is appropriate with a woman like her.  What she usually does is begins with our contrasts and she told me that I’m not very productive, and that’s not true, so I’m not even giving that much thought.

It started when I confronted her about what I have been feeling, and that is that she is being pursued by someone.  It’s her ex that married the man and moved away, and she said that if she divorces him and moves closer she can be a good parent to her son.  That is bizarre, because she is supposed to be mentally ill and all that, and I would want a helluva  lot more from a second mother to my own son, but what the hell do I know?  She went on and on too about the way that she smelled, how she would have candles lit, and how their lifestyles went together.  So, just reconcile with her, ok?

When she gets physical, it is seemingly out of nowhere and I can’t read it, and I don’t really initiate because that has caused us problems and then she made fun of me when I was shocked.  She also mocked the way I look with my hair up.  She is too conflicted.  I really did the right thing by breaking up with her at the end of September.  I should try to avoid sex with her when the calendar changes to a New Year too, and I think that I can very easily.

I like my improvements in physical fitness that I’ve made and will probably ask her for some advice.  I like some of the domestic things that I have adopted from being with her.  Ultimately, I want to be treated really well and loved for who I am.

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Maxed

You reach a point where you know it won’t work–that is right now–but you want her to be with you because she feels so good next to you.  I couldn’t believe that when she was finally completely done with her ex, that she had a car accident.  Even more incredible is that she still spent the night with me under those circumstances.  I think that she has done some damage to her back, and I’m worried about her in general, but I really can’t wait for her life to calm down some (which probably won’t be until April) so we can investigate.  Now that she is finally financially separated from her ex-partner, she reminisced about her most recent partner and I think is grieving her.  If she wasn’t married to a man, I think that they would still hook up; although my ex never wanted to marry her.  I think that I will invite her down next weekend, and she if she’s willing to come to me, because I want to see what it’s like to have her here on my territory.  I loved laying next to her last night.

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The thrill is gone

I have had a very longterm relationship, and another one that was around three-years or so.  The latter was with a girl, and that was easier for me to navigate because I could still muster passion for her.  With my ex-husband, we became barely connected partners, and I don’t want anything like that in the future.

I’m being punished for not going to her party.  So, if we aren’t dating and we have sex like a PRN, and we are definitely NOT friends, why should I go to your party?!?  Today, she e-mailed that I was invited to it and wasn’t there.  No shit, Sherlock.  “This is…  My ex-girlfriend?  An FB who I love, but can’t get my shit together with?”  WTF?

We shall see if next Friday passes with no hook-up.  I can’t hustle anymore.  I just can’t.

I don’t know if when she is like this if that will even last.  We don’t run into each other at all, and honestly I just want to be amiable when we do.  I don’t know if even after she has moved through Christmas without her father if she will be any different with respect to me.  I think for right now, I’m just going to bow out with no contact and see if we can hook-up next weekend.  She asked for pictures of our tree–it is going up tomorrow.

I’m not one of those people who cares if I have a girl at Christmas or on New Year’s.  That’s not my thing, because it’s contrived.  I’m a lot of things, but I’m real, and without passion, I don’t dwell.  I’m looking forward to buying a little tree tomorrow and decorating it with my son, and I’m also looking forward to the Nutcracker with him on Saturday.  I think that I’ll also take him out for sushi.

I have been working like crazy.  I did Monday – Wednesday night, but managed to meet a colleague on Tuesday for weights, but tonight I’m really looking forward to connecting with my son.  I think that I’ll cook a favorite meal for him too.  He’ll have to tag along and play air hockey and foosball tonight while my colleague and I lift.  I can take Sat off from working out because I have to babysit, go to a six-year-old’s bday party and then we have our ballet.  That seems good.

Thrills are not something that I seek.  I don’t like neutrality though.  I have this mug and it says, “would rather be alone than taken casually,” and I think that sums up who I am pretty well.  I like my own company quite well and have tons of friends.  I will be interesting to see how the next five weeks go by and develop.

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Journeys

She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.”  She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd.  What’s my alternative?  I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on.  She also said that she was thinking of me.

So, tag you’re it, right?  My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous.  I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her.  That’s true too.  I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.”  I do.

I do not feel remotely safe with her though.  That is why I won’t date her.  There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either.  Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.

The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her.  I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years.  I am usually controlled with respect to anger.  I’m a processor.  I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.”  I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.”  And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you.  We can talk another time.  Let’s just hang up for tonight.”  She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money.  It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.

That’s not vulnerable though.  That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even.  I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean.  I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years.  She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.

I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way.  I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm.  I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.

As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list.  I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well.  But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school.  I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.

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Craving

It’s interesting that it took me this long to get where I don’t have any angst whatsoever.  It was a long, long haul.  It seems like this last time around when we were together for about two-months it was a trial run for me, and I probably didn’t think it was going to work anyway.  I think that I just love having sex with her.  I’m kinda neutral on relationships in general at this juncture anyway.  They don’t seem to last.  Maybe I’m in a weird age bracket.  Who knows?

We can have sex two weeks from Friday or not.  I’m not holding my breath or will I ask for it.  I haven’t ever asked for it since my bday and she got pissed and left.  She accused me of keeping her up.  As I said in October, I’m permanently off that party bus.

I know her patterns with me anyway…  She contacts me when she misses me, wants to have sex, or feels like she needs to connect to me.  The way in which she does the latter isn’t the way anyone connects with me.  She’ll call with book titles or parenting tips.  I guess it’s an intro into a conversation, but it doesn’t facilitate one for me and frankly, isn’t the way that anyone talks to me.  I think that she is used to being the guru and the smarter one when it comes to her friends, so she gives advice or tips.  She should blog 🙂

Next spring, I’ll date again.  Right now, I can do sex with my ex or not.  I don’t have to reach out and don’t care if she does or not.  I have only known her 14-months and that’s no longevity for person like me that has had some friends for nearly thirty-years.  Additionally, I know that I will never be close with her.  That’s unfair to my next girlfriend, and is a very weird boundary for me.

I’m grateful to not be in the land of craving her, or wondering when she’ll contact me, or hoping that we will be together again.  If we are meant to get together next year, we will, but I know that we’d need counseling.  I wish her well this weekend at the big party she’s hosting.  I’m glad to chill at home and get some stuff done.  Most of all, I’m glad to not need to detox or deal with my likely former addiction to her.

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Feet on the ground

One foot forward and moving toward is what I want.  I will value having my doctorate done and my head clearer.  I will get my proposal defended this year before it ends.

I’m given quite a bit of pause how I don’t care to pursue any girls at all and how they tend to annoy me or not be quite what I’m looking for in terms of dating.  I am not chasing anyone or I am making things work that won’t work past some sex or tolerating what are simply some incompatibilities.  Pink says, “I don’t believe in soul mates, happy endings or the one,” and I would have always tended to agree with that.  However, there were some unique and earth moving things that happened for three straight months last fall that also give me a great deal of pause.  Maybe those soul-level connections are not meant to last.

That is why I have come to wanting stability in addition to sexy and smart.  That works for me, because except for getting irritated, I think that I have both feet on the ground.  I’m just looking for space from my ex right now, and I think that if it comes to it, she would stop contacting me if I asked her to.  Right now doesn’t feel like the right time because it was just her father’s bday, she is recovering from complex surgery, and it’s now the holiday season.  If it gets too emotional for me, I’ll tell her to cease.  However, my line is firm about not driving up there.  That I won’t do.

My psychologist says, “Chop wood.  Carry water.”  For me, it’s last night trying to complete three sets, and giving up, drinking a beer and eating cheese puffs.  I felt sad and laid in my bed and was mindful about crunching.  I miss our old times, and know that they don’t exist anymore.  I told myself it has passed.  That made sleeping easier.  It’s what I’ve got right now.

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There is no perfect partner

I get accused of wanting perfection, but that’s not it at all.  I want a girl to want to be with me, and when we make a plan, which I look forward to more than most because my life is busy, I just want it to come to fruition.  I would like stable next time around.  I would also like consistent.  I’m more than willing to work on my issues of rejection so I can project a healthier and more whole me out into the universe.  I do believe that you get what you put out.  I have always been consistent.  I have never broken a date.

When I commuted in state (80-miles when it was roundtrip) and was still in two grad programs and doing night work for schools, I made a couple of snafus, as did I once this August when I couldn’t bike on Sunday because I had to read at church, but I would never change plans because I didn’t feel like it or I had some half-assed emotional response that I was unwilling to share.  That’s not me.

I have also been really good about accepting my role in conflicts.  I think what will be a stumbling block for me next spring will be that I need to be careful with casual and sending the wrong message.  I need to practice saying, “I like you.  Let’s just see each other when it makes sense, and not too frequently, because it’s really good to miss each other.  In terms of future, let’s see what develops.”  I can do that.  I’m not ready yet, but in a few months maybe, and then I will see HER.

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She does know me

She has been texting and HeyTelling me like crazy.  Finally, after I got done meeting with my other committee member for my dissertation, I just called her.  We talked easily and well and I fessed up that I have no desire to date or am I really attracted to any girls enough to hustle for them.  I said I’m going to screen print a shirt and it will say, “Yes, I know that I’m fun, but I really am not available to date,” and she followed it up with saying, “Just make a QR so that girls with Smartphones can scan you.”  That was hilarious.  Good one.  With her being so contemplative, she can’t attack.  It’s nice.  I do love her–especially when she is not moody and in her critical mode.  I think that she’s aware of this personality taint.

I also think that she’s cognizant that whenever I drop off food, it’s my last hurrah.  I wonder if she’ll date someone come January.  I think that she will.  I wonder if it will implode by April or if the girl will be much more accustomed to sucking things up and she can string her along for a few years, because she is incredible for a few weeks a month.  Who knows?  I wish her the best.  I really do.  She can be amazing, but when she is in a bad mood or pissed about little things that everyone does…  Watch out.  It’s horrendous.  I’m not going to write again until I do drop off some meals for her.

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Sex

So, we did finally catch up and the conversation was just fine.  It wasn’t free and easy like it was prior to our cold F2Fs this summer, but it was just fine.  It must, actually, have been better for her because then she propositioned me for sex three-and-a-half hours later.  If I feel healthy tonight I’ll go fulfill that because it’s been a month.  Yesterday I was excited for it in a lustful way, but today my cold doesn’t feel that great and because I won’t date her or even contact her–I will however respond–I would probably hook up with her monthly or a little less.  I know that I’m still in love with her, but given how she jumps my shit all the time, I’d never want anything serious with her unless we went to counseling.  She needs to get her act together with respect to conflicts with others, and that is independent of me because I told her that I didn’t want to date anymore after she marked me down and slowly cancelled plans like a blue light special.

I started feeling like it was really her who is selfish earlier last month when I tried to connect with her about feeling stressed about work and she told me to go to my psychologist.  I didn’t say, “Screw you,” but I did realize that she is not the best supporter.  She does like giving financial advice, but I think that’s distasteful, so I told her that must cease.  So, we shall see what transpires tonight.  I could go either way on sleeping at her house tonight.  I’m not antsy for it this morning like I was last night.  I do love our sex life.  I think that it’s the only thing that she doesn’t try to control.

I did head up after a I took a bike ride.  I went with a new friend.  I like her.  I like meeting new lesbians.  I spilled though and really bruised my right ring finger.  I’m not ready for a gay marriage evidently.

We talked for about an hour.  I knew that there was more that she needed to tell me and it was that she had a first date, but the woman told her that she doesn’t talk much unless it’s her best friend or her mother, so she told her that she doesn’t know how she will get to know her.  That’s fine.  I knew that this time around that given that it’s different and I won’t date her without counseling, that she would move on, and it’s really because I’m not that worth it to her.  Not meant to be.

We had good lovemaking.  However, when a dog outside was disturbing her, I could see the writing on the wall that I would be blamed for talking so I said, “You aren’t usually bothered by anything outside although it’s loud at your house, so I’m going to head home so you can sleep,” and she said, “You don’t have to put that on me.  I appreciate your need to go home if you can’t get to sleep here.”  I told her that I have not slept well in a month, but that I could tell that she is not sleeping.  I left out the fact that I would be blamed later for that.  It’s not my problem anymore.  I’m not the designated asshole.

That I don’t ever text her bothers her deeply, so I’ll text her from the soccer field tonight and say that I hope that she had an incredible day.  I will also hope that she keeps our date on Friday.  If not, I will text her each night and ask when I can bring up food for her.  I will find jokes and funny stories to e-mail to her while she recovers.  Unless my cousin goes to her party the first part of December, I’d rather stick a hot fire poker in my eye (Please note that I have borrowed her line there), so I’ll wait to Feb to make plans.  I’m pretty pragmatic.  She’ll want me if she doesn’t start dating someone.  I can do that and her anytime that she asks.  That part of our relationship always works, but we just don’t have conflict resolution skills.

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And I want to see you

So, she wants me to meet her for a drink, and I can’t.  I have to meet with my supervisor for an hour and a half and then after that, I need to lift weights for my own mental health.  Plus, the woman who I supervise has had a pretty tough year so far, so her other supervisor who helps her work with young children and I are taking her out tonight.  I told my ex that I could meet her, but it would be really late and then she asked when my evening plans are done and I told her that I don’t really have an end time on dinner, but that we want to support our intern because it has been a tough, tough quarter for her.  And for me, as I don’t remember ever a year starting off like this for families who have kids in school.

I don’t understand why she has to contact me all of the time.  Can’t we lay low and then I’ll drop some food off for her before her surgery?  That seems most normal to me as we are not dating.  The only time that she didn’t contact me much at all was in between Memorial Day and the time that I saw her after the Fourth of July.  The reason that she didn’t stay in touch with me is because I had asked her if we could go to counseling and she didn’t have the guts to say, “No,” until she saw me and then she wanted to make me want her and presented like a corpse so I don’t want that.  She had followed up in an email saying that she had been looking at me the whole time–at that point, we hadn’t seen each other in six weeks–and that she was just scared.  However, our subsequent date she was edgy.  She doesn’t seem often to be in a very good mood when she sees me and that makes a friendship impossible.  She’s moody.  I’ve been with moody, and I don’t like it.

Because I don’t want to rush around or go somewhere late at night and then drive all the way home, I just think it best if she really does want to meet with me for a drink that we do that next Friday.  That’s fine.  I hope that she is acting nice.  I also hope that she gets that I don’t want her advice.  My friends don’t give me unsolicited advice.  I have certainly asked for advice about her when we were dating, but they don’t tell me all the time what I should do.  That’s a hot button for me, because I’m an adult and conduct my life well.  Things that I know that I should do differently, I am starting to do, and it’s because I want things to feel more streamlined and easy on the home front.  So, we shall see if she presents kind, if we can laugh, and if she does not give advice to me.  If not, we can try again later.  I do want us to be amiable.  That’s important to me.

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Never settling

I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be.  Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast.  What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight.  And God, does she fight mean.  It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated.  She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?”  Nope.

It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain.  Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed.  I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad.  I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance.  I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it.  That is my stuff though.  I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner.  I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.

In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed.  I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision.  The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb.  Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song.  I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done.  Might as well keep doing it.”  The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build.  You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain.  With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much.  It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”

Now, I want to be alone.  I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete.  Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone.  The first time was when I was 14.  The second time was when I was 23.  The next time was when I was 33.  Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain.  There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”

 

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My place

So, I went out with a friend last night, and I really wish in most ways that I had known that my best friend was hosting a karaoke night, because that is much more my speed, but I did get some insights from the friend with whom I spent last evening.  It really is great to have so many friends who work in mental health.  She told me that our relationship has the perpetual flavor of “I will leave you first.”  I can honestly say that I have never done that with a girl, so it is spurned by a super shitty dynamic that only she and I create.  I get that she has a control and abandonment flavor, but no matter how sexy she is, I must not take her back.  If I see her again and she has been sexually untoward, I must say, “I will definitely see you.  Here are the three names for psychologists and social workers that I have.  Phone screen them and tell me where to meet you or trust me and I will make the appointment.”  That has to be it.

Additionally, I know in the bottom of my heart that she is interested in the woman with whom I will have a playdate and probably a couple of others who actually live in her county.  I am intuitive, and she would not continue to ride my ass about “someone” if she didn’t have a woman closer than I who is a prospect.  I am not going to text–something that I’m good at–and I have changed my mind about sending a letter asking for counseling. She, of course, emailed yesterday, and I wrote that I would go to couples’ counseling with her in a heartbeat, but ironically there is not time.  And there isn’t!  Like I always say, “We are not aging in reverse!”

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Self of Therapist

OK, it is finally D-day because someone who calls you a big baby when she hurts your feelings is not your partner…  So, I have to ask her why she went from it will be great to see you to, let’s play it by ear to, save gas and let’s see if we can work tomorrow out.

  • She told me that it was because she wanted free time with her son like I was currently having and that then when she heard that I’d be closer to her Sunday see if that could work out, but without me re-arranging

Translation:  I want to control whether or not you get to see me, and I’m much more interested in connecting with this other woman who you live to close to, because I was attracted to her initially, and want to know who you live by and possibly will spend time with at times.

I have to ask her lots of questions.

  • I, in fact, asked her few questions, and when she said, “I know who you’ll date next and I will send the name to you in an envelope,” I told her openly that I’m interested in the engineer and she LOST it.  I am honest, I don’t regret it, and although my interest is not sexual at this point, and I can acknowledge that I still am in love with my ex, I am intrigued by the engineer and very attracted to her stability.

When did she go from in just a short time I love you and your son and want to say move in here and enroll him at the local elementary?

  • I couldn’t ask her this questions, because she only sees that we trigger each other and continues not to acknowledge her back and forth with me.

How does she see our fights?

  • She doesn’t think that we fight all of the time even when I told her that it follows a monthly cycle.

Why do you pull away from me when things get intense or scary for you?

  • She said that she didn’t consciously this time when she had her health scare and if not talking and then changing plans last minute is not pulling away, then we don’t see emotional connection in the same way at all.

Why did she say that she couldn’t go to therapy after reflecting for six-weeks because she didn’t want anybody to poke around in her head?

  • I didn’t ask this question either, but if you have read any of the entries that I wrote from winter, I think that you know the answer, because I certainly do.  I also want to point out that it is snowing today, and so I get the whole cycle now.

Why does she continue to say what our friendship could look like if that’s not really what she was focusing on, because it felt like that is what she wanting?

  • I have that answer too.  Because she doesn’t want a friendship.  I have hateful texts and have been blocked from her social media and also from her cell phone, I am sure, because she told me that she was going so.

So, what have I learned?  I am capable of deep, connected love.  I like to keep in the tip top physical shape.  I give second, third, and many chances because I am adaptable.  I really had grieved our relationship toward the end of last spring.  I had gotten very intrigued by how different she had appeared in August and was quite hopeful, but that hope started to fade quickly when I realized that we would be back in our monthly cycle.  What is interesting to me is that when I blocked the drunk, it was because she threatened my life, and I am blocked because I threaten her heart.  It is too bad that we can’t be friends, but it is just as well that our relationship completely ended in a clean manner.

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Cultivation

I am really hoping that this year I am able to get some distance between my heart and my ex.  It’s not that I ever contact her, because I just don’t.  I actually also wrote her a letter about where I am, as she has been incessantly contacting me and I’d prefer that it would abate.  She had told me to tell her when I move on because she told me that she only wanted to hear that from me.  Dating for a couple of weeks was a mere distraction, and in the letter that I wrote her, I told her that I had been distracting myself for a couple of weeks and stopped.  She knows me so very well and is a mature person, so she will understand the subtext, and I’m sure that it will piss her off to high hell.  However, I had to just see if this girl and I were compatible.  However after two weeks, she presents as clingy when her roommate is out of town, so I’m not sure if I can even fully tend to a friendship with her.  I think that she is just young.

My ex is not young.  We are exactly the same age.  Our birthdays are just three weeks apart, and being with her did not involve any explanations.  It was easy to talk and interact with her.  I just wish that she would have been less stressed so she would have treated me better, but I guess that is not in the cards for us.  I’m at this stage where I am vulnerable though, so I told her that I knew that she had contacted me and that I had not contacted her back until now, but it was because it’s just very hard for me to engage with her.  I just wish that we would have been able to work out the nuts and bolts of our relationship in counseling.  However, I suppose that she and I were not meant to be in a longterm relationship for some reason.  I would like to build one, but don’t want to sacrifice what I believe is treating others right and building a future or do I want to be with a dreamer who plays all day to escape dealing with real issues.

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NOT who I’m looking for

I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl.  We need to go back to a friendship.  To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating.  Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development.  It’s too relationship-oriented for me too.  If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth.  But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex.  I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.

Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing.  I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her.  I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek.  Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.

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Willpower

It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her.  I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it.  So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me.  It’s sad, because she does this…  She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact.  My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.

My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect.  Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel.  She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again.  There are some things that I must accept about her.  She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.

I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me.  She is sweet.  She is earnest.  She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me.  I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me.  I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking.  I still am looking for a compatible partner.

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I have issues clearly

So, I took my son to my folks’ house during the lunch hour and met her for a impromptu date yesterday.  I fed her meter–actually I parked her car too, as she had trouble getting in the spot–bought her a couple beers and pizza and we went home to have sex.  It was nice, as was the conversation that we had, but then she suddenly looked at her watch and said, “I told [my roommate] that I’d be home at four, so I have to go, as much as I’d like to stay here and have sex all afternoon.”

I told her that she has to get home to someone who doesn’t give her what I do–which I had said in a smart aleck, in jest sort of way.  Then she said, “I have been in a relationship like that where I was told, ‘Oh, you can be an hour late.  You can be half-an-hour late,’ and I’m not going to do that anymore.  I like to tell whoever I’m meeting what time I will be home and do it.”  I said, “OK.”  I got up and got dressed.  That was not what I was saying, and I was joking, but I was pissed at the abruptness of her transition, and because she is so attached to her roommate I was really aggravated.  Also, I took my son elsewhere to do something nice for her, which I paid for, orchestrated, and was not implying that she needed to be late.  I was joking around.

As I was getting ready to leave my bedroom, I was seething, because she was comparing me to some girl who she was with for over three-years, and is probably 10 or more years my junior.  Then, the kicker was that it was 50-minutes until it was 4!  She lives 15-20 minutes away from me.  I told her the time and she said, “Oh, I looked at my watch wrong!”  I was infuriated.  Last night when we talked for a two-hours she said that I blew her looking at her watch incorrectly way out of proportion.  I told her that it seemed convenient, and she was insulted that I thought that she’d lie.  I told her that with the fervor that she started leaving, it seemed so dissimilar to the way in which she rolls.  I figured that she was going to go out, do whatever around girls, and wanted to get the hell out.

So, she is now aggravated at me for thinking that the watch was an excuse and that I want her to be with me all the time.  The latter is completely bizarre.  I have to admit that she triggered my ex-partner stuff.  Recall that my ex-partner was not exclusive with me, always slept with another girl, and “fell in love with me” when she had moved to the Southeast.  I do not want another fuck buddy again, and do want to be of value.  I guess that if you have as many relationships as I have had that you have what Missy Higgins sings about which is scars.

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Can’t do crazy

So, she was here for a couple of hours and some change and said that we could date.  Are you kidding?  We talked about your donor and when our timeline could align, etc., and were together for 8-months.  I can’t navigate her control issues and her approach to me.  Done with the push-pull.  Will not ever answer anything from her ever again and am all set.  I just need to heal.

Let’s summarize.  She wants to “date,”  but won’t drive down.  She has no idea if I’m longterm relationship material and just wants to get to know me to see.  I’m afraid that is working with an employee from an escort service, and I know that I could use her Debit card for gas, but again, I’m looking for a partner.  I thought that is what we both were looking for, but she’d rather stay stuck in old patterns and saying that I hurt her too much.  So, I guess it’s a call girl who emotionally triggers you.  No thanks.

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Wonder

So, a brand new friend came over for the traditional 4th of July BBQ last night and we played with my son, talked, ate, laughed and connected.  Notice that I say new, because in fact, I met her at my friend’s going away party last month as that girl was moving to the West Coast.  We get along really, really well.  It’s easy and it will stay easy because of variety of reasons, but it’s sad that she does like me.  That won’t grow for me, because with sexual chemistry, I can feel it immediately and if I can’t imagine things, I don’t stare into your eyes, at your mouth, look at your ass, and glance at your hands, it won’t happen ever.  I know that is not cool, but I’m wired that way and passion doesn’t grow for me.

I was not only thinking how odd it was that she and I can just talk, but I was also thinking how good it is that when she challenges what I say that she gives me examples about what others do, etc., but doesn’t attack me or make a fundamental attribution error saying that decisions that I make, make me who I am, when in fact, they are simply decisions and not character flaws.  I also don’t like having my words dissected so they can be used as evidentiary support for why I have ulterior motives or am being deliberately evasive.  Why does my ex still have my heart?  Well, because in matters of the heart, rational thoughts don’t enter in as much as we’d like.  I told my new friend that it would really be great if I had a switch over my left breast, but I don’t, so I will just have to gain some understanding on Sunday and then make some rules.

She thinks that I will continue this waiting around thing, and I assured her that I won’t.  Otherwise, “coffee” would not have had those kinda thrilling aspects when I got compliments, or when we smiled as often at each other as we did.  I am glad she is taken, because I don’t want the swing through the rebound with a girl like her, and I really need to get my act together before I date again.  But, after some connection and time, I would be ready to date another girl again.

I wonder what Sunday will hold.  I think that I know because she is pretty transparent.  I think that she has now had ample time to build up her case for why I messed up our relationship.  That’s fine if that it is what she has to convince herself of, but I know that we’d have been fine if she didn’t start breaking up with me after the first of the year, and by the third round of it, I just tended to agree with her.  The final straw was the dramatic going into the spare bedroom when I was not only not near her or was I talking to her.  Honestly, when I think about that, I wonder why I even went up there over Memorial Day?  When you know that you have  a few good days with someone and then she goes back into a cycle of worry and anxiety, which translates into her attacking you, that will probably always be her pattern.  I don’t understand why she has my heart actually, and I wonder how long it will take to have it be ready and open for something new?

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Clairvoyance

Is this what “actual girls” really expect you to have?  There must be a reason that I have been with three Gold Stars, as they were pretty transparent.  A couple of my friends have said that my ex was my “first real girl,” but I lived with a barely bi straight girl in college, so I am not sure, but I do not get my ex.  What does she really want and expect?  I sure as hell don’t get it!  And when I was married to a man, I just wanted him to listen and not tell me what I did wrong or tell me how I should have handled things when I had a bad day at work.  I did not expect him to anticipate my needs and would directly say, “Can you just listen?  I don’t even expect you to respond,” which did translate into him making a hostile look while he listened, but then again, he does things so much better than me.  Anyway…

So, of course the contact CONTINUES.  And I don’t like the way that some social media sites keep you signed in if you are just simply using your cell, so I may disable that feature if possible.  She acts like we have been hanging out or something and can just do idle chit chat.  What kind of shit is that?!?  We have not seen each other since the 25th of May and that ended in total crap, so I am not sure what she is thinking.  She also wants to say that I am the one that is too busy, and that is bizarre too.  I asked her what was attractive about an 80-mile roundtrip in three-hours wherein I watch her paddle around a lake and get all kinds of emotions stirred up?  She changed the subject on that one!  Lord.

Sunday cannot come soon enough for me because she will just keep contacting me.  Why TF will she not go to counseling with me? I don’t get it, because if someone is on your mind this much and all you want is for them to hold you at night, then why don’t you want to make the relationship work?  I do not understand her.  I do need some loose ends tied up though so I can move on, so I really can’t wait for the weekend to get here.  I may not comprehend things any better than I do now, but we can make some rules so I don’t have to be pissed like I am.

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Incredulous

I am that way because I am highly intuitive and know people prior to them showing me their hands, or even if they don’t want me to know them very well, I still have an accurate sense of who people are and how they will move through situations.  In addition to a good gut-level sense of what is what, I’m also an observer and save questions for times that I really need to ask them or want to get the focus off of me.  She and I are highly unlikely to ever be together again because I tripped some serious shit in her.

She’ll come down for dinner at the end of next month, and again, I will listen, but I will be shocked if I even get to explain why I thought that we should go to counseling.  Oh well, there really isn’t a whole hell of a lot that I can do.  I do think that she’d like a closer friendship than I will give her, but that’s not going to happen because someday I really do want a partner and keeping her that close is the classic lesbian pattern with your ex providing everything.  However, it is not the whole package and given that I took 11-years off from it, I will be ready for it when I am ready to date.   I have best friends, and don’t want another one with the exception of what I really like about being in a relationship!

Anyway, I was thinking too, when I was listening to a song by Vertical Horizon how interesting it is that we assign qualities of a deity to our lovers.  She does not, in fact, know what I’m thinking.  I don’t think she wonders about it much either.  She is just paralyzed by the fact that I could be lost to her.  I won’t do that.  I will stay in her life, but not at the expense of me.  Warm and honest, and the truth serum is my approach.  I don’t know if we will shift back into each other’s arms ever again, but I would like to have what I always found to be funny, and that is a “healthy breakup.”

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Consistency

So, she did call me to talk through a situation.  She also rapid fired a whole bunch of questions at me about what’s been going on and I just described my day and my weekend plans.  She told me that she wanted to talk to me about a professional question and said that she’d “love to pick my brain,” but as we talked, it became obvious that she had weird expectations.  I can definitely consult about behavior problems and what I recommend is empirically validated and will work.

What I can’t do is ignore the elephant in the room and that is that she expects an instant friendship.  That is bizarre.  We don’t have anything and she has never honored a f2f chat with me so we can end things on a better note.  She said about two-weeks ago that it is because she would want to have sex with me.  Well, sex is consensual and I would not want to have it with her.  She is not honest or consistent, and after we hung up she texted several times that she just wanted a friend.  I told her that she has tons of friends and we are undefined.  I also told her that she asked for a professional consult, that she never has seen me in a month because she’s “too busy,” and that I have no idea what we are and what she wants from me.

She’ll contact me again.  I won’t text back.  I will ask for a phone time and directly ask her what her expectations are.  I will also ask her again if she’s in love with me and would go to counseling.  If those questions are no, then we can take a year’s worth of space and then after that time has elapsed, if she wants to contact me, she can.  Just like these past few weeks, I won’t be contacting her again.  I haven’t and I won’t.  I do wonder if I’m in love with her anymore.  Last night was bizarre and there is no way that I would even want to touch her when I’m the covert “friend” who she wanted to catch up with under the guise of a professional question.  I mean what I say and say what I mean and expect that from my friends and want that in my love relationship.

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Worth it

I guess that’s what I’ve come to ultimately, and it’s that I want to be valued enough that when differences occur or there are some things that need to be addressed in this “relationship” that we just do it.  I don’t want to be criticized and definitely don’t want my son to be looked at like “a psych experiment.”  I think that when you are done, you reflect on things that you let go or ignored.  She actually said that once.  I think she is actually fairly fucked up and still hold that she is the queen of projection and displacement.

I had a dear friend over for dinner last night.  She is actually a lesbian too, and I only have one friend who is close to me who is.  She works constantly, so we aren’t super close.  The occasion was that she is moving out of state–to the West Coast.  It was so great to see her.  I told her that my ex and I didn’t really work and also told her how we met, and then casually chimed in about her having difficulties with my son.  Her huge eyes got bigger.  She told me over and over what an amazing kid he is and how lucky I am.  There are probably many reasons that my ex and I didn’t work out.

Of course she texted me during dinner and now has questions in her non-questions.  I briefly answered it this morning and although there is no salutation in text, I said, “Have a good day.”  She’ll never come down for dinner, and I know that I knew that when that is what I offered for us seeing each other.

I told my friend last night that I want more lesbians in my life, and she said, “Why?  They are cliquey and never respect new relationships.”  I told her my partner is not likely to grow out of straight girls who I have known most my life, and she said, “I don’t have any problem meeting women.”  Not that I’m in the market.  My heart is healing.  However, I remembered meeting (kind of) my ex’es’ friends and they were cold to me.  She has a group of lesbian moms who she hangs out with, and I could care less who likes me so I just ignored them.  If I was worth it to her, we’d have hung out with her friends during our 8-months.  We didn’t approach a relationship balanced at all.  I don’t want to contact her, know that she’ll continue to contact me, but will just let whatever fade and trust that I won’t run into her for a long time.  How odd what not only transpired, but what we have become.

 

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Suckage

I’m foul today.  It’s also way too hot all of a sudden.  I’m so pissy and mean that I know that I can’t even workout tonight.  At least I got a walk in with my son, but I had to wake him up way too early to take breakfast over for my Dad.  At least we only had to stay at my folks’ house for a couple hours, but with the childhood that I had (seriously) it is increasingly hard for me to feign happiness.  I can do the propriety and respectfulness, but that’s it.

She texted yesterday.  It made me really mad.  When is she going to leave me alone?  It is you, who won’t go to counseling with me!  It is you who can’t answer simple questions.  It is you who started this downward spiral and shitty pattern of push after the first of the year, so now you need to back off any contact, because you have no intention of coming down here to see me.

Damn her anyway.  She started all of this bullshit and says that we both had a hand in it.  Want to know the truth?  We did.  Because I let her treat me like shit for nearly four-months.  Now, I’m just angry and want her to leave me be.