What will I do if I still feel this way after next fall? It has been so beastly hot as of late that I will just be glad for the season to turn, but honestly if she continues to hold so much weight over my heart, what will I do? Nothing seems to help. We were so damn happy last fall, and nothing compares to the way that I felt then or how much of myself I gave to her. I’m not sure when or if those conditions could be met again. I could do some low maintenance thing with a girl, but I probably could not give too much of myself and that is not fair. The last girl who I dated was just too needy and thought that she was beyond reproach, but I wonder what would happen if I met a really incredible girl? Would I even “see” her? I’m incredulous. I wish that there was some way for my ex and I to actually be together and enjoy each other without rancor. I am still in love with her.
Tag Archives: Dating
Cultivation
I am really hoping that this year I am able to get some distance between my heart and my ex. It’s not that I ever contact her, because I just don’t. I actually also wrote her a letter about where I am, as she has been incessantly contacting me and I’d prefer that it would abate. She had told me to tell her when I move on because she told me that she only wanted to hear that from me. Dating for a couple of weeks was a mere distraction, and in the letter that I wrote her, I told her that I had been distracting myself for a couple of weeks and stopped. She knows me so very well and is a mature person, so she will understand the subtext, and I’m sure that it will piss her off to high hell. However, I had to just see if this girl and I were compatible. However after two weeks, she presents as clingy when her roommate is out of town, so I’m not sure if I can even fully tend to a friendship with her. I think that she is just young.
My ex is not young. We are exactly the same age. Our birthdays are just three weeks apart, and being with her did not involve any explanations. It was easy to talk and interact with her. I just wish that she would have been less stressed so she would have treated me better, but I guess that is not in the cards for us. I’m at this stage where I am vulnerable though, so I told her that I knew that she had contacted me and that I had not contacted her back until now, but it was because it’s just very hard for me to engage with her. I just wish that we would have been able to work out the nuts and bolts of our relationship in counseling. However, I suppose that she and I were not meant to be in a longterm relationship for some reason. I would like to build one, but don’t want to sacrifice what I believe is treating others right and building a future or do I want to be with a dreamer who plays all day to escape dealing with real issues.
NOT who I’m looking for
I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl. We need to go back to a friendship. To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating. Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development. It’s too relationship-oriented for me too. If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth. But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex. I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.
Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing. I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her. I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek. Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.
WTF
I don’t know what I am doing. I know it’s a new girl, but really what does our life path even have the possibility of holding? She talked about how much she loves kids and would be a great parent and sees herself with a kid, but now since sex, she won’t even hang out with us. He would have no clue that we were dating, and the rule, which I actually know because I AM a parent, is that you don’t wake up together unless cohabitation is probable. I don’t think it is in this case with us ever, but I will take time to see.
Here is why I don’t. I’m working full-time and parenting full-time. She cooked for me last night, which I thanked her profusely for doing and it was good, and when she came back to my house after 10:00 pm having played some rec sports, she was mad because the ref made only calls against them and they lost, so I had to hear about that for 10-mins. Really that is souring your mood that much? She never thought that my day entailed leaving for work, working all day, going to two grocery stores, cooking dinner for my son and his Dad who is graciously watching our son for the next three weeks, working out and then watching her cook (While I opened a beer for her. She has probably had over a case that I have bought this last month.), and then we had sex. When she left to play rec sports, I walked my dog. When I came home, I was spent. I didn’t even want her to come back, but she had left shoes here. I listened to her bitch about the ref, I got her stuff to clean her scrapes, but I didn’t drink beers and hang out all day so unlike her, I was falling asleep.
My day is different. Our days will always be different because she works part-time. As trivial as it may sound, what you do for a living does affect the way in which you have to organize and live your life. It’s not just her looks that are polar opposite of my ex, it is also her lifestyle, which is a solely free and easy one. This is the first time that she made a meal for me and I have made her about 7. She said that I took advantage of her. I don’t get that. Does not add up and seems odd after a few rolls and undefined dating. I was tired, have been working after my vacation, and I always spend time with her. Very odd.
Willpower
It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her. I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it. So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me. It’s sad, because she does this… She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact. My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.
My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect. Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel. She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again. There are some things that I must accept about her. She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.
I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me. She is sweet. She is earnest. She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me. I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me. I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking. I still am looking for a compatible partner.
I have issues clearly
So, I took my son to my folks’ house during the lunch hour and met her for a impromptu date yesterday. I fed her meter–actually I parked her car too, as she had trouble getting in the spot–bought her a couple beers and pizza and we went home to have sex. It was nice, as was the conversation that we had, but then she suddenly looked at her watch and said, “I told [my roommate] that I’d be home at four, so I have to go, as much as I’d like to stay here and have sex all afternoon.”
I told her that she has to get home to someone who doesn’t give her what I do–which I had said in a smart aleck, in jest sort of way. Then she said, “I have been in a relationship like that where I was told, ‘Oh, you can be an hour late. You can be half-an-hour late,’ and I’m not going to do that anymore. I like to tell whoever I’m meeting what time I will be home and do it.” I said, “OK.” I got up and got dressed. That was not what I was saying, and I was joking, but I was pissed at the abruptness of her transition, and because she is so attached to her roommate I was really aggravated. Also, I took my son elsewhere to do something nice for her, which I paid for, orchestrated, and was not implying that she needed to be late. I was joking around.
As I was getting ready to leave my bedroom, I was seething, because she was comparing me to some girl who she was with for over three-years, and is probably 10 or more years my junior. Then, the kicker was that it was 50-minutes until it was 4! She lives 15-20 minutes away from me. I told her the time and she said, “Oh, I looked at my watch wrong!” I was infuriated. Last night when we talked for a two-hours she said that I blew her looking at her watch incorrectly way out of proportion. I told her that it seemed convenient, and she was insulted that I thought that she’d lie. I told her that with the fervor that she started leaving, it seemed so dissimilar to the way in which she rolls. I figured that she was going to go out, do whatever around girls, and wanted to get the hell out.
So, she is now aggravated at me for thinking that the watch was an excuse and that I want her to be with me all the time. The latter is completely bizarre. I have to admit that she triggered my ex-partner stuff. Recall that my ex-partner was not exclusive with me, always slept with another girl, and “fell in love with me” when she had moved to the Southeast. I do not want another fuck buddy again, and do want to be of value. I guess that if you have as many relationships as I have had that you have what Missy Higgins sings about which is scars.
Semi-gf
Remember in “Singles,” when one of the main characters is sitting in a coffee shop and says, “Hand me that phone, I am going to call my new, semi-girlfriend?” I don’t know if I even really want one right now, and I do know that my schedule is daunting for all who are around me. I was with my best friend and her family yesterday and she said, “Isn’t there one night that we can have dinner together next week?” Things are going to go from busy to insane within seconds here, so I don’t know what I am capable of in terms of relationship maintenance.
Also, I would NEVER live with girl until I have known her a year, so I am not sure when you switch your relationships when many falls come around, how you will have a partner to do the day-to-day with you. I told her and it is unfortunately very true that I have been part of a catch and release program for sometime now. However, what I imagine myself being in is a longterm partnership. That is what I’m seeking though in all honesty.
She left yesterday morning before I left to take my dog on a walk. She was in text contact most all afternoon and then came over to connect and have more sex in the late afternoon. I didn’t ask her to come over, but she kept asking what I was doing and when I would have my son with me again. Then she had a family situation to deal with, which stressed her out, and we wound up talking quite a bit on the telephone before bed. Then she texted and said that she still wanted to be talking to me, so we did.
She is sweet. She is romantic. She is an earnest and aggressive lover. She is young. She is scared to be vulnerable and open with me, so I will do what I do with anyone in that boat and that is give space to her while being consistent and solid. In conclusion, I really do like her, enjoy time with her, and am grateful to have a girl to sleep with and connect to while I am working on my wounds.
Growth
I got mad at her last night, and I’m not going to lie. She told me all about what her housemate and she have decided about dating a mother, and I told her in addition to neither of them not being parents that they really don’t need to make me out to be a Springer episode. And they don’t. We aren’t doing family time, and the latter was only done with my ex because it was the first and only time that I fell head-over-heels in love and believed in a one. Also, I loved, loved, loved her son, and really can’t click to her social media page because I don’t want to see him. I loved him and I still do and probably wouldn’t have put up with her shit as much with no backlash had I not felt so connected to him.
Now, I want concerns to be dealt with right away, so I told her that she and I would be seeing each other every other weekend until we make some decisions. This is dating at it’s purest form and that’s it. Speculating about my abilities as a parent when your analogy is your str8 sister and your nephew and two nieces that you see about monthly is a poor one. She knew that she crossed the line and I don’t want her and the woman who she lives who she addresses as “her wife” to make assumptions about me. It’s judgmental.
I won’t be judged. I won’t be defined. I will slowly see what we are. I will make some decisions after some time has elapsed. I will communicate clearly and efficiently too when I’m triggered. After it occurs, I will write about it, and put it away forever, because I wish that my ex could have done that just once with me. I’m not going to make hash marks. That is NOT me.
She called me back 5-minutes after we hung up and asked me to tell her a joke. She said our conversation was odd, and I didn’t remind her to put herself in my shoes, but I did call her back several minutes after we hung up again, and told her one. We will have fun tonight though… I just know it. I’m done with it, told her where my limit is, and I won’t even put energy out where she can talk about my son who she has seen twice. I want us to discover what “we” are and that should be free of my kid. That is where my ex and I got convoluted anyway. No texts since Thursday from the latter, so I plan on enjoying this night to the hilt, and having some good, illicit sex as well.
Momentum
I feel really good. I think that although I did coerce her into coming over last night that I was good to her. She was sore given her camping trip and fast-paced lifestyle that she has. Also, she had not slept in four-days. I should have taken melatonin, so I could have slept more soundly after I gave her a deep massage. Next time… Saturday that is. I felt bad that we woke up a lot because I am–let’s face it–stoked to have a naked woman wake up next to me what will be three times this week. That is so rare for me, and is honestly what I’m looking for longterm. As is someone to make breakfast for everyday. That was nice too.
I told her that my lifestyle may not work for her because this will be my busiest 10-months, but if she just wants to see what may develop given that I love hanging out with her and enjoy our sex life, then we can just see what it’s like when we spend more time together and settle into the fall. We really had some good chemistry there and it is sooooo good to be back in the saddle again. With my ex, things that were that satisfying became few and far between, so it’s also gratifying.
I’m just going to take this situation day-by-day. She has housemates who are like family to her, and she frankly does not want to disrupt that much, so it may be that she is not really in the boat for a partner. I’d be fine with us just having sex and seeing each other when we could and then becoming friends after I’m done with this busy, busy year. What will be, will be and I feel so much better than I did and am grateful to not be pining for last fall with my ex.
Leave it
I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.” I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text. It’s true. I think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship. That was our normal rhythm. But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend. I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real. And I know that I can leave it… Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.
I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now. I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me. In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday. She can’t stop thinking about me. Me. The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible. Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls. So be it. Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.
My cycling partner’s family was in town last week. I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset. I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence. That is a good analogy for me too. I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable. This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too. Compromise and flow. I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her. She is such a genuine person.” That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there. Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.
What does she want?
I still don’t understand where she is. She chats me last week and says that she wants what I want too, eg. being held, co-parenting, and not feeling like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and now the difference between she and I is that she doesn’t really have to have a partner. Well, make up your mind. You sure have about not going to counseling, but you still want the cake to consume don’t you?
She tells me that she misses our sex life and that we should try that as an approach. I told her that I have had a loveless commitment, and I’ve had a fuck buddy, and now I’m seeking partner. I guess that we have a lot to talk about today. Again, she plays the role of seductress very well, but it feels like she has to keep one foot out. I’m worth much more than that. She said that we can’t make a relationship work, but doesn’t want to be analyzed or does she have time to go to counseling. Given that she neglected to see the woman who she sees during her father’s last month, death, and disorganized funeral, I do know that the latter is true. To be true to myself and respect myself, I can say what I want in just over four hours.
- I want to share my daily life with someone
- I want to wake up next to her and go to bed next to her more nights than not
- I want a family and the possibility to have more children
- I want to talk about things before they become problematic and evolve into bad patterns
- I want someone who even after some time, we still have trouble taking our hands off of each other
Wonder
So, a brand new friend came over for the traditional 4th of July BBQ last night and we played with my son, talked, ate, laughed and connected. Notice that I say new, because in fact, I met her at my friend’s going away party last month as that girl was moving to the West Coast. We get along really, really well. It’s easy and it will stay easy because of variety of reasons, but it’s sad that she does like me. That won’t grow for me, because with sexual chemistry, I can feel it immediately and if I can’t imagine things, I don’t stare into your eyes, at your mouth, look at your ass, and glance at your hands, it won’t happen ever. I know that is not cool, but I’m wired that way and passion doesn’t grow for me.
I was not only thinking how odd it was that she and I can just talk, but I was also thinking how good it is that when she challenges what I say that she gives me examples about what others do, etc., but doesn’t attack me or make a fundamental attribution error saying that decisions that I make, make me who I am, when in fact, they are simply decisions and not character flaws. I also don’t like having my words dissected so they can be used as evidentiary support for why I have ulterior motives or am being deliberately evasive. Why does my ex still have my heart? Well, because in matters of the heart, rational thoughts don’t enter in as much as we’d like. I told my new friend that it would really be great if I had a switch over my left breast, but I don’t, so I will just have to gain some understanding on Sunday and then make some rules.
She thinks that I will continue this waiting around thing, and I assured her that I won’t. Otherwise, “coffee” would not have had those kinda thrilling aspects when I got compliments, or when we smiled as often at each other as we did. I am glad she is taken, because I don’t want the swing through the rebound with a girl like her, and I really need to get my act together before I date again. But, after some connection and time, I would be ready to date another girl again.
I wonder what Sunday will hold. I think that I know because she is pretty transparent. I think that she has now had ample time to build up her case for why I messed up our relationship. That’s fine if that it is what she has to convince herself of, but I know that we’d have been fine if she didn’t start breaking up with me after the first of the year, and by the third round of it, I just tended to agree with her. The final straw was the dramatic going into the spare bedroom when I was not only not near her or was I talking to her. Honestly, when I think about that, I wonder why I even went up there over Memorial Day? When you know that you have a few good days with someone and then she goes back into a cycle of worry and anxiety, which translates into her attacking you, that will probably always be her pattern. I don’t understand why she has my heart actually, and I wonder how long it will take to have it be ready and open for something new?
Clairvoyance
Is this what “actual girls” really expect you to have? There must be a reason that I have been with three Gold Stars, as they were pretty transparent. A couple of my friends have said that my ex was my “first real girl,” but I lived with a barely bi straight girl in college, so I am not sure, but I do not get my ex. What does she really want and expect? I sure as hell don’t get it! And when I was married to a man, I just wanted him to listen and not tell me what I did wrong or tell me how I should have handled things when I had a bad day at work. I did not expect him to anticipate my needs and would directly say, “Can you just listen? I don’t even expect you to respond,” which did translate into him making a hostile look while he listened, but then again, he does things so much better than me. Anyway…
So, of course the contact CONTINUES. And I don’t like the way that some social media sites keep you signed in if you are just simply using your cell, so I may disable that feature if possible. She acts like we have been hanging out or something and can just do idle chit chat. What kind of shit is that?!? We have not seen each other since the 25th of May and that ended in total crap, so I am not sure what she is thinking. She also wants to say that I am the one that is too busy, and that is bizarre too. I asked her what was attractive about an 80-mile roundtrip in three-hours wherein I watch her paddle around a lake and get all kinds of emotions stirred up? She changed the subject on that one! Lord.
Sunday cannot come soon enough for me because she will just keep contacting me. Why TF will she not go to counseling with me? I don’t get it, because if someone is on your mind this much and all you want is for them to hold you at night, then why don’t you want to make the relationship work? I do not understand her. I do need some loose ends tied up though so I can move on, so I really can’t wait for the weekend to get here. I may not comprehend things any better than I do now, but we can make some rules so I don’t have to be pissed like I am.
Incredulous
I am that way because I am highly intuitive and know people prior to them showing me their hands, or even if they don’t want me to know them very well, I still have an accurate sense of who people are and how they will move through situations. In addition to a good gut-level sense of what is what, I’m also an observer and save questions for times that I really need to ask them or want to get the focus off of me. She and I are highly unlikely to ever be together again because I tripped some serious shit in her.
She’ll come down for dinner at the end of next month, and again, I will listen, but I will be shocked if I even get to explain why I thought that we should go to counseling. Oh well, there really isn’t a whole hell of a lot that I can do. I do think that she’d like a closer friendship than I will give her, but that’s not going to happen because someday I really do want a partner and keeping her that close is the classic lesbian pattern with your ex providing everything. However, it is not the whole package and given that I took 11-years off from it, I will be ready for it when I am ready to date. I have best friends, and don’t want another one with the exception of what I really like about being in a relationship!
Anyway, I was thinking too, when I was listening to a song by Vertical Horizon how interesting it is that we assign qualities of a deity to our lovers. She does not, in fact, know what I’m thinking. I don’t think she wonders about it much either. She is just paralyzed by the fact that I could be lost to her. I won’t do that. I will stay in her life, but not at the expense of me. Warm and honest, and the truth serum is my approach. I don’t know if we will shift back into each other’s arms ever again, but I would like to have what I always found to be funny, and that is a “healthy breakup.”
Promise
There are some days that are just harder than others. The thing that struck me as most odd was the stark contrast to yesterday. My friend and I literally laughed our asses off and we went for about 33-miles on a ride around the city. It was phenomenal as was our lunch that we cooked. Yesterday rocked. Today was bad.
I got tons of sleep. I lifted weights. I braved the heat for three-miles on my bike. I walked a little. My friend made me breakfast and I took a cup of coffee with her. However, I missed my son as soon as I got up and couldn’t stomach going to a Happy Hour solo for some reason. Then she HeyTell’ed me a couple of times. I was courteous and wished her a good evening, but I’m not saying goodnight. At some point, she will have to realize that she is not my girlfriend and that the friend conversion is just bizarre. Maybe in a year, but seriously, how do you pretend that you don’t get visuals of things that would make me flush from the face down to type?
I’m reminded of the on-again, off-again story that I got in detail that fateful weekend that I just drove home in the middle of the night. She and her most recent partner did that. That is her M.O. It is NOT mine. When I’m done, I’m done. No matter what she does two to four weeks from now when she is down here for dinner will not lead her into my bed. If she wants me, not only does she always have to come to me for some time, but she also has to commit to some couples counseling. I’ll be shocked if she actually goes to dinner.
I have so many plans tomorrow. I’m hiding from my cell phone all day starting at 8:30 am. One of my friends is home before she starts school on the West Coast, so we are having dinner at my house. I won’t be rude and even be around my phone. I may or may not check it before I got to bed. That will make this next day superior. I’m really a lucky person and know that sometimes there are just simply shit days. And it’s summer, so the sun will shine tomorrow.
Shift
Not the microbrew; although, I hope that my friend brings a four-pack of it today so we can have it after our ride. We will probably do about 30-miles today and I’m feeling very, very good. I am very much with the wave of momentum, and moving forward with my life and made it crystal clear to my ex that I won’t put up with her shit anymore. She is coming down to dinner in July.
I’m having coffee–the girl made it perfectly clear that’s what it was–next week to work out some details of the committee work that she wants me to do for a state professional organization with the girl whose number I got as a coup. I will tell you that when initially she had asked me if I was licensed and she said that she needs a secretary, I could only think of Maggie Gyllenhaal on her hands and knees with memos in her mouth. Hee-hee.
This woman is a healthy clone of the drunk though. Down to many physical details, and I need to be circumspect this time around, and she wants a professional relationship. To be perfectly honest as well, I didn’t even look at her ass when I met her, so that’s not a good sign for my attraction. I need more lesbian friends. Also, I want to do tons of professional networking because it helps the profession and because I don’t want to move for internship.
I’m going to crash a women’s happy hour tomorrow too. My one friend who’s gay can’t go because she is working a swing shift, so I will solo fly. I want to ride bikes with them anyway and I think that they do other stuff too. Again, I’m expanding my horizons and looking around until I find a girl who I want to date. I’m going in cautiously initially, but when I find a nice and sexy one, I will be open and hopeful. My heart is free!
Worth it
I guess that’s what I’ve come to ultimately, and it’s that I want to be valued enough that when differences occur or there are some things that need to be addressed in this “relationship” that we just do it. I don’t want to be criticized and definitely don’t want my son to be looked at like “a psych experiment.” I think that when you are done, you reflect on things that you let go or ignored. She actually said that once. I think she is actually fairly fucked up and still hold that she is the queen of projection and displacement.
I had a dear friend over for dinner last night. She is actually a lesbian too, and I only have one friend who is close to me who is. She works constantly, so we aren’t super close. The occasion was that she is moving out of state–to the West Coast. It was so great to see her. I told her that my ex and I didn’t really work and also told her how we met, and then casually chimed in about her having difficulties with my son. Her huge eyes got bigger. She told me over and over what an amazing kid he is and how lucky I am. There are probably many reasons that my ex and I didn’t work out.
Of course she texted me during dinner and now has questions in her non-questions. I briefly answered it this morning and although there is no salutation in text, I said, “Have a good day.” She’ll never come down for dinner, and I know that I knew that when that is what I offered for us seeing each other.
I told my friend last night that I want more lesbians in my life, and she said, “Why? They are cliquey and never respect new relationships.” I told her my partner is not likely to grow out of straight girls who I have known most my life, and she said, “I don’t have any problem meeting women.” Not that I’m in the market. My heart is healing. However, I remembered meeting (kind of) my ex’es’ friends and they were cold to me. She has a group of lesbian moms who she hangs out with, and I could care less who likes me so I just ignored them. If I was worth it to her, we’d have hung out with her friends during our 8-months. We didn’t approach a relationship balanced at all. I don’t want to contact her, know that she’ll continue to contact me, but will just let whatever fade and trust that I won’t run into her for a long time. How odd what not only transpired, but what we have become.
Suckage
I’m foul today. It’s also way too hot all of a sudden. I’m so pissy and mean that I know that I can’t even workout tonight. At least I got a walk in with my son, but I had to wake him up way too early to take breakfast over for my Dad. At least we only had to stay at my folks’ house for a couple hours, but with the childhood that I had (seriously) it is increasingly hard for me to feign happiness. I can do the propriety and respectfulness, but that’s it.
She texted yesterday. It made me really mad. When is she going to leave me alone? It is you, who won’t go to counseling with me! It is you who can’t answer simple questions. It is you who started this downward spiral and shitty pattern of push after the first of the year, so now you need to back off any contact, because you have no intention of coming down here to see me.
Damn her anyway. She started all of this bullshit and says that we both had a hand in it. Want to know the truth? We did. Because I let her treat me like shit for nearly four-months. Now, I’m just angry and want her to leave me be.
The Right One
I wonder if anyone truly keeps a relationship together. I know one happy married couple, and they moved from here with their one son in 2008, and they have since had one more, so my boy and I lost some wonderful playdate potential when that occurred. They still seem happy given posts on a social networking site, but I don’t really know because the days of our walks around the park and then coming home and watching our boys play until her partner got off work in the summer are over because they have been gone 4-years. I knew another happily wed dyad, but they were in mediation last Thursday. She fell out of love with him and he is behaving really badly now and has decided to sleep with her former best friend. Their divorce will probably finalize before 2012 is gone.
I could have remained in that state of unhappiness. We were not intimate and we were either silent or we argued, and this pattern lasted about 4 or 5-years, I believe. Two separations and the final one was permanent in 2007. That’s not what I’m looking for though, and I’d rather have some lasting connection that also includes sex.
She told me that we could talk f2f. Having been angry with me because I don’t contact her much, she had left me a why bother VM while I was cleaning up on Sunday. I had taken a quick 15-mile bike ride to warm up my body and then got back before church and jumped in the shower. So, we talked for a sec when I called her back, and I said that I would call her in the evening and asked what would be a good time. She told me that she couldn’t say and just to call her, but she wound up calling me when I left my kickball game early. We made plans to see each other by meeting in between.
About two-and-half-hours later she cancelled because she said that we didn’t have a toolbox for seeing each other and that nothing has changed. It hurt. In fact, I’ve been crying off and on at intervals anyway, because that’s what I do now, and that is hurt. I found out later that she was worried that we would have sex in her car, and doesn’t want that element. I definitely gathered the latter on Memorial Day weekend. I don’t even fully enjoy social stuff and would rather either be alone or talking with my son. One of my best friends took me out, and then we went back to her house too on Sunday. She is cooking dinner for my son and I tonight, but I’m so weary of this dance after nearly 5-years. I’m ready to cook and be cooked for and live with a girl. Joan Osborne says, “And you ask me to convince you that you won’t blow away.” That’s a tall order… Maintaining love and connection.
I think that keeping a relationship together requires honest and open conversations that probably should occur a couple times a week. What I’ve noted is that I piss a girl off, and she tells me about it later after I’ve already fucked more things up. With the drunk, we didn’t really fight, because we were quickly stagnant. We didn’t really have any passion. I do understand that passion comes with a price, because you will fight like that too, but I’m looking for the ability to move through conflict and to just say, “Let’s do our best to stay together in this rather wild world.”
Waiting game
If you say that you are going to consider something, by now, it should mostly be considered. It’s been 10-days, and she thinks that she can tell me that taking what I wrote paragraph by paragraph is a new way, but it’s really a new way to push and pull. That’s what it is, because frankly, it’s a new approach to keeping me in the queue. The thing is that if some girl touched me, I’d shrink away, so it’s not that it matters in the grand scheme of things, but it does matter in terms of my feeling like I’m the one she wants. I worry that I’m not.
I should have taken a picture yesterday. We had a somewhat harrowing ride up a windy Mt road–at least it was paved–complete with good views, but tons of drop-offs and when my son’s Godmother and my buddy from work got out, we had trouble standing. We were at the trailhead! It was also freezing and I didn’t have either set of gloves and couldn’t keep my hat on to save my life. We took the same windblown ride back down, found a park in a nearby town and did just over 8-miles of a hike. If I dodge another Mt Biker this summer though, it shall be too soon. I think that I’ll need to order new boots though, as I did something terrible to my left toe. If I feel around in the footbeds today in my old, tried and true boots, and they feel compressed, I’ll order some today and wear one pair of socks on Wednesday.
We didn’t go to the top of the little peak. We were tired and the day was odd and didn’t entail what we’d planned. I swear if we summit on Wednesday, a snowstorm is going to come rolling through rather quickly. It was pretty and good girl bonding. They both told me to proceed with caution. Here was one of our views:
I don’t want to be cautious. I just want to know if we can go to couple’s counseling and if she thinks that we could get married NEXT summer. That’s it. I’m done messing around. I don’t want to live alone anymore, as 5-years have yielded tons of growth and transformation. Now, I am really ready for a partner, and would love to raise two to three kids.
Worn Out
I tried a longer than I should have hike with my climbing partner yesterday… When we got to the ridge line and could see the peak, we didn’t have much left. There were a lot of factors and his poor dog was actually bleeding on his pads, so we did turn back. I was pretty rubbery in my legs given the stress that we had to get there, and really too unsteady on the ridgeline to continue, but I always feel incredible with that level of exertion afterward. Right now, I’m groggy because we had severe storms last night and I was up for an hour in the middle of the night and was sore from hiking straight up 10-miles. Coffee and doing very little will help, and then with my new found energy, I will clean and pay bills. I’ll include some scenery here:
I had a good day with the guy who is like my little brother though, and hope for many more over the next two months. I’m getting back up high on Saturday with my son’s godmother as well. I ought to have a good focus for the next several weeks and hope that I can take this energy into August with me.
I wish that she would examine with me what can be corrected and get very real about what she wants. I know that regardless of what would transpire this next year, that we need some professional guidance because of the level of dissonance that she is caught in with respect to wanting a relationship and then being unable to navigate the stress that being in one causes her. I can’t explore anything with her unless a couple hours a month are spent in couples work. I’d like to say that I can take her back, but I can’t with her lack of understanding that I just don’t want sex, I want connection with her and can’t see weekly a corpse.
Thinking of what once was
Maybe it’s harder to put the nail in the coffin rather than have a woman tell you to fuck off. I don’t know… I can tell you that after her texting me over and over and starting it all at 7, and telling me that she would be relentless until I get it, put me in the most messed state that I have ever been in to date. Makes my coming out affair, which also meant that I had to tell the world that I’m gay, and switching jobs, single parenting, and living alone except for my 21-month-old all within 4-months seem manageable. I can’t stop crying and it’s totally fucked when what her texts and phone calls have yielded is that she still is in love with me and this will be the choice that I forever regret.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W-yA_gtmDo
I have no idea. I just can’t navigate the push-pull anymore. I want someone into me and open with me when I trigger her. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m abrasive and straightforward. I need a girl who asks me questions or puts the halt on me right away. I feel like she tends to just use things later anyway. It’s like an attorney or detective who is looking for evidentiary support for why she wins. I don’t want a competition. I just want to work with a partner. I sure as hell don’t want to feel like this much longer, but I won’t be taking her back.
Dating: My Retrospective
I had to throw out a whole pot of coffee this morning. It was a great metaphor. I used to be too weak. I’d put up with shit for a long, long time in relationships that I just shouldn’t have.
I realized that I should send my five-year saga into the world today to stop giving it energy over me. I think that it will help. Prior to 2007, the only thing that had happened is that I had two covert gfs. One in high school and one in college–both of whom I was “caught” with–then this buddy of mine fell in puppy (non-lasting) love with me and pursued me for quite some time, so the second time he asked me to marry him, I consented, told myself that five-and-a-half-years of my life was “experimentation” and then was married to a man for 9-years. Then, as I had written in earlier entries, folks who had not seen me in awhile would say, “______, is married?!? To a man?!?!?!?”
My coming out affair started when I touched her hand and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!” So, I did avoid her, but since I worked with her, I had “dealings” with her and I had to do things electronic or interoffice mail. When I would have to greet her, I wouldn’t make eye contact, so I wouldn’t feel my pulse come out of my chest. I didn’t have to work directly with her for two-and-a-half-years so it was ok. She was at the office Christmas party about ten-months before I ever slept with her and she was in a black suit and was pretty thin, so I went up to her and said, “You look skinny and beautiful.” And she said, “I love you,” which would become a joke later when we were together.
I booted my ex-husband nine-months after that party (We had been separated before we had our son three years earlier and he lived in another state for four-months.) and then she and I started a red hot affair three-weeks later. She dumped me and tore out my heart, because it was a coming out affair and nothing like hs or college antics. She was not a bi-curious straight girl who could feel my gayness, but she was a real lesbian, and then I knew right then, that I was too. I think that after a divorce, you have a rebound. Mine was a gay rebound, so I had to face who I really was, and then embrace it.
I did lots of shitty, sexless dating for a full year, because I struggled picking up the pieces of my heart. She did cause heartbreak, because it was the first time, albeit silly love, that I really felt love. She and I had a December full of push-pull and the last time we slept together was a few days before the New Year. (I have a four stage entry that is really, really long about the whole journey.) What really sticks with me were her green eyes as she left my bedroom after we had made love (for the last time) over and over, and she said, “I’m not convinced that this ever needs to happen again.” She left. The only thing that she would tell me is that she never wanted to be a mother, and that she was so far past being “anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.” I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months.
Then it was over a year of dating all the Ms. Wrongs and Not-Even-Closes, and I was celibate. I rarely smiled, got really skinny, and did other self-destruction. My energy was saved for parenting my son and that was all that I did with passion. Next, a year and a week later, entered my Cowgirl. We had a “lesbian one night stand,” so it lasted two weekends. Here is what I wrote about her when I realized that she and I couldn’t really date, because it was a mismatch:
“You get bent out of shape when I text you twice in the same day–weird.” “You have only had a ten-month relationship prior to now, and that was with a woman whose girlfriend was overseas at the time–weird.” “You don’t give me a single compliment.” There were also some other things that are superficial that would be even odder to mention, so I didn’t. I did tell her rather diplomatically that I was looking forward to seeing a woman last weekend admidst my final classes of one particular course that I’m finally done taking. However, she did not understand that when I said, “I want to be your friend,” that I really did mean just that. Plus, we were just investigating in person chemistry and she wasn’t a gf. I had been e-mailing one woman who I found intriguing, but she was bizarre. Enter, the Gemini:
I wound up feeling really empty, so I e-mailed this other woman a rather ballsy thing that I wouldn’t do typically that I thought would shut down our communication… I said, “Do you want to grab coffee or a beer?” and she said, “Yes.” She showed up too. We dated for two-months and I did like her. She was an outdoor person, a musician, and hot as shit. Plus, she was into me. But, she didn’t manage stress well, so she dumped me when we went on a hike. Here it is:
I told her that a lot of her stress is coming from her work. She has a big deal in two weeks, which will involve her ex-girlfriend, her sister with whom she is extremely close, and is reminiscent of her deceased father. I also told her that it seemed like all of this between she and I was too soon, for a variety of reasons. I also told her that I had been nothing but respectful to her, and she acknowledged that it had been “all her,” in terms of making moves sexually. I’m not actually sure if she is able to be a consistent person even when she is not in the throes of this much stress. It has a flavor that leaves me full of caution.
I did, and I’m glad about this statement, tell her that I would not have been contacting her so frequently had she not held me under the stars three weeks ago and whispered that “Sunday was a long time away,” and she said, “I’m not saying that I’m right.” It wasn’t a competition, but two weeks before had confused me when she called me every night, and I said as much. I told her that I wanted to tell her something and that I didn’t want to sound patronizing. She said “Say it.” I told her that this whole interaction over the past three weeks had made me approach her with such hypervigilance that I was worried about saying it, but she told me that it was fine. I told her that I hoped that she could get healthy, because right now, she has too much going on. I drove home and was angry, but I didn’t date her again; although, she wanted to.
Two months later, the drunk comes into my life. We had a very fun summer fling in 2009, but it should have stopped there and would have had I not had one of the most stressful falls that I have ever had, but she contacted me on New Year’s Eve, and I had before called off a stupid friendship with her because she was not monogamous, which I could have cared less about because it was a summer fling and I really just wanted a steady stream of sex that summer, and we had no foundation for friendship. No contact for three-months, and I was fine. However, she broke up with this girl who pressured her to become exclusive only to three-months later text me. I think that was because she had seen me two weeks earlier. I had written this:
So I finally saw the woman who I slept with all summer an hour or so ago. It was odd, because I didn’t care at all. It was weird for a minute and then I settled into the bar and it didn’t matter at all. She could have been a girl who I merely met a couple of times, but it was even less warm, and I slept with her all summer and she disclosed lots of personal stuff to me. The oddest thing is that a bar owner who I know was at this cowboy bar and told my friend and I to come to her bar and we would not have to pay a cover, so we did after an hour or so, and then she was there as well–feeding the jukebox.
She was merely standing there, alone, feeding the jukebox; although there was a DJ, and she was also half-heartedly watching hockey while nearly everyone in the place was dancing. I know this is my stuff, and not her stuff, but it seriously made me wonder what she will be doing in 5-years? Sipping tequila, and getting loaded in her early 40s is a strong possibility. We didn’t talk at this location and had a stilted hug and odd interactions at the first bar.
Another interesting element is that I was just getting some bravado and telling my friend that I needed another f-buddy. I don’t need that! Absolute indifference to someone who I know way too much about and does not know shit about me… I really don’t want this level of indifference and do not desire to become apathetic. It is interesting to me, but very weird. I guess she didn’t get that job in the southeast as she is still here.
However, she did eventually get a different job, and we then did distance, which I stopped wanting to do after three-months, but we had invested money in hotels and plane trips, so I didn’t. I didn’t want to move. I love where I live, and then I realized that it was not that she hated it here and drank to cope, it was just that she really was an alcoholic. She is loaded all of the time. I’m not dating a drunk.
I met my first love right afterward. My ex still has my heart and it is going to take some time. What’s good is that sublimation can happen right now because I have a lot of work in my yard and doctorate, and my son is taking a theater camp, so he will have a school schedule, so I can also follow a schedule after dropping him off in a few weeks. I’m going to chart out my whole summer and part-time work. I’m excited and I know that it will be the best summer that I’ve ever had. I will be free of her saying that I lack compassion, whereas, I think that I have been nothing but patient with her for five-months, and just can’t do that dance anymore. I want to be single, or have someone who is completely into me and wants to rip my clothes off. I will do either and this is the path that I’m currently on. I did a lot of weird dating before I got here, and in my last relationship, I was completely in love, gave my whole heart, and I have NO regrets.
Through Memorial Day
I didn’t need the whole weekend, and I doubt that anyone is surprised. I had my suspicions on Thursday when she made some omissions and didn’t know immediately that I would know that she changed the garage code and offered me her cheek instead of kissing and hugging me. I wound driving home tonight because when she moved into her spare bedroom, and I told her and meant, “I’m not kicking anyone out of her own bed.” That she left me countless HeyTells saying how “shocked” she was and how I withdrew too soon is just part of what is our never ending cycle. I have a friend who describes this type of imbalance as beckoning a girl with your right index finger with your arm drawn close and bent at the elbow all the while pushing your left arm completely out with the palm up (Like the quintessential STOP). It’s like, “Come here while I push you away.”
That we biked for nearly 30-miles today and then the “I’m too sick to have sex with you,” card was played left me hurt. You can bike 26-miles, but can’t muster any energy at any point in the day to have sex? No, you’re just not into me, and you rather like push pull because you are always in a state of grieving and stress. However, sex will burn stress. But, if you’re all mixed up in your emotions about someone you can use any excuse not to do it, you can still get a charge out of being wanted.
The day was nice. We had lots of laughs, time outside, the good bike ride, she bought me dinner, but there wasn’t any passion for each other. She always tells me that I’m a sex maniac, and I don’t know how that can be construed because I had not had any in a week and that was initiated by her when she was sick and then she proceeded to tell me tonight how terrible she felt all week having not slept when she left my house. I do want to make love when I haven’t seen someone in a week, and have not really connected passionately in 18-days, and I know that there is a woman who would not find that a dysfunctional request.
She is perpetually triggered by the way I say things, what my life is going to entail for the next 15-months, and gets cold and withdrawn. I can’t navigate it. All of her messages say that I gave up too soon and that she is an amazing lover, but the latter eludes me. I hadn’t seen that since December. We had a good three-months and the first five of this year involve too much of seeing what I can tolerate only to have her communicate with me and get me back. However, I won’t go back no matter what the apology. Honestly, I will be floored if she didn’t contact me in the next several weeks. I will not contact her, because she is not what I’m looking for and makes me feel bad. Tonight, she made me feel like she didn’t find me attractive too. I just can’t.
I don’t want a friendship with her… Period. She lives far away and does stuff to the Nth degree, so I would even see her at sporting events or the like, because we wouldn’t compete in the same division. Although it was fun to ride with her, I don’t want to spend time with her on bikes because it is going to take a lot for me to completely fall out of love with her. I’m not one for self-abuse. She said that I’m not ok with off days, but really, since January, that has been mostly what we’ve had. The on days were rare. It is good that we reconnected and decided that we don’t work, but I’m really looking for a bit more sweetness and ease.
Genuine
I have sooooo much stuff to do today. Looking back, I should have left my son with his best friend and his mother (She has a daughter too.) and gone into work on Monday. Had I done so, I wouldn’t feel like a ball of stress. Because I’m not working with clients really means that I am buried with plans, billing, reports, and end-of-the-season progress on goals paperwork. Plus, I will only have one office next year, so I am moving and combining two. I slept well–uninterrupted–but I did wake up at 4. I’m well awake now too. I will get everything done, but then I have to race to get to her, which will not be restful. Or is deciding what to do with my bike while I use my truck to move all of this shit after getting paperwork done.
Because she took my not doing treatment as being free and clear, she is not sympathetic at all about what Tuesday – Thursday entails. It is a 40-hour work week. I have think that I have been to lend an ear about things that she can talk about, but she is so jealous that I will only now be working part-time through the end of July, that she basically tells me to get over myself and that I’m going on a vacation. She didn’t respond to the details that I left about steps that I have and nuts and bolts. I’ll be stressed when I finally reach her, but I don’t want to appear that way. So, I won’t.
I’m not a good “stuffer.” I need to be me and say what is on my mind. It helps to be validated and listened to as well. I know that Friday will be really fun. Getting to tonight is a stressful, busy, and an overwhelming venture. I will give myself some deadlines this morning. Whatever is not documented by 11:30 will have to be at least addressed, so I will stop computer work by 10:45. Then I need to move things and drive them over to the new site. I will just make it so I must leave at 4:30. Deadlines are good for me. I hope to laugh and be light, and kind this weekend. Those will also be my requirements, and if I am being completely honest with myself, without those things I’m just not sure if I can continue this at all.
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