Tag Archives: Dating

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Weekender

We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

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Control

I think that I get what I can and can’t control.  You can’t control the way that someone treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and sometimes your reaction is, “I can’t hang out with you,” and that is what I have chosen.  It may be that at the end of February, that my ex and I do go to that show together, but that works well for me and I can even get a cab there if I want because the venue is a very short distance from my house.  (I do really love where I live.)  However, I can say with complete confidence that I won’t be going up there for any reason other than a complete emergency.

It is really wonderful that since I told my ex that I couldn’t even approximate dating because of the way that I feel afterward, she has really not said boo.  She won’t this time, and I can tell, because I may not know her well, but I know exactly how she treats people.  She may not even e-mail at the end of next month, so in that case, I will need to think of someone who should come with me. It really should be my friend who now lives in CA, but she is in an aggressive school program.  I’ll think of someone.

Ultimately, she couldn’t control anything about me.  Certainly she did aggressive and passive aggressive things to me, but those won’t happen anymore either.  It was funny that she always told me that I wasn’t accountable, but I kept wanting to talk to her on the phone since the last time that I saw her and after my asking her three times when a good night was, but wouldn’t even say that she was too busy, but simply wouldn’t answer that question.  I used to think that this stuff was gamey, but it was really just another method of controlling the situation.

I have all the hindsight that I need.  Ever since she started her monthly break-ups, I have written.  Each month I would try to make changes, but mostly what she wanted to change was something that I couldn’t and it was one e-mail that I sent (out of over 40) that she didn’t like because she said it sounded casual.  That is so bizarre.  Then what she did even after she wouldn’t talk about the e-mail in particular is throw up roadblocks.  All of these left me feeling like I was being treated casually.

We never dealt with any issues or talked anything through.  I don’t think that she can either.  She can communicate anger really well, but can’t own when she is upset or work through anything which results in compromise.  I watched her do this dance all the time with work situations, and it’s interesting that there are also people with whom she was extremely close in a personal realm who no longer speak to her.  She can communicate clearly boundaries, and anger, but working through hard things with someone is NOT something that I ever witnessed her being able to do.  Again, it’s her way or there is a punishing that ensues and does not cease.  I would never want to be with her again even if she said that she would really go to counseling.  I’m done.

It is so good to have all of this silence.  And she doesn’t get into touch at all anymore, and somehow, I just know that she won’t.  I can’t control her reaction to me if she runs into me by chance, but I can control my pleasant smile that I will give.  I’m still so glad that I loved that deeply; although, there was nothing in that experience that I could control.  That is the thing that I have yielded from this part of my journey.  I can love fully without any guarantees.

 

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Wholehearted

There is a social work professor who gives some of those Ted talks in addition to seminars and the like, and although I do have her book, I have not begun reading it yet, but I plan to as she talks about living with true courage and the belief that we are truly worthy of love and belonging.  Being somewhat skeptical naturally, I tend toward thinking that just reading those words sounds much like Stuart Smalley, with the assertion that “I’m smart enough.  I’m good enough, and dammit people like me!”  However, she does not sound cheesy at all, and she boldly talks about her own journey to understand connection and vulnerability.  This seeking is exactly where I am on this leg of my journey.

I was utterly and nakedly vulnerable in my last relationship.  I exposed my whole heart and loved fully, which turned out to hurt a lot, but does not leave me feeling hollow now.  The reason being that I changed as a result of loving completely and fully and I worked harder for her than I ever have in any relationship and it was less than one year.  I’ve had much longer term relationships; although, admittedly I have not in the last five years.  But, I know that time doesn’t actually matter.  Even though it does take an entire year to get to know a woman, it is possible to have all of your passions completely ignited, which if you are connected to her can lead to significant intimacy.  That didn’t freak me out in the least, but it did her, so we really never had a commitment or did we courageously say that we are building a future.

I realized yesterday after our friends left, that control and also keeping me at arm’s length was a way of never being vulnerable and led to her feeling comfortable in our situation.  I’m still unsure if I completely understand the negative commenting and insensitivity, but I do know that because I am good to myself every single day that leads me to being a whole and kind person.

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Adjustments

I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex.  I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar.  It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily.  Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.

I get that takes time.  It takes a year.  But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight.  So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think.  I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me.  However, I do love music.  In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.

We hiked and sledded yesterday.  My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically.  (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape.  And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.)  My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast.  She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.

Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad.  They have two kiddos.  I’ve known them 18-years.  I think that we will have fun.

I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends.  She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable.  My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship.  Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex.  You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier.  So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.

I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well.  In fact, I pretty much do.  My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him.  My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight.  Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent.  I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped.  There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking.  She also used to throw the leash down.  I definitely get that type of response!

Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single.  However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed.  Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper.  The latter is not pretty.  I’m done, done now.  I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too.  I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it.  When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me.  So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.

I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating.  Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least.  I still want a girl who wants to be with me.

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The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

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Some things are not ok

When I first started out working with children and families, I saw this sign and it said, “It’s ok to be mad, it is not ok to be mean.”  And that is really true.  I will be the first to admit that I often lose it when I ask my son an inordinate amount of times to cease snotty tones, backtalk, or task refusal, but when I am dealing with a lot of things, I don’t ignore it, I talk about it.  I certainly don’t say passive-aggressive or degrading things to the woman who I’m sleeping with.

The drunk used to lose her temper and always apologized.  Now, when she was loaded, she never remembered stuff that she did, but when I was getting ready to fly back and she was edgy and sad, she would get pissy and short.  The thing is that she always apologized and nine times out of ten, and she usually said that the reason was because we were so far apart and she knew that I was leaving.

My ex gets remote when I leave her house, but the thing is when stuff goes badly for her, she will not talk about it at all.  I try and try to get her to talk, but to no avail.  Last weekend, I just held her tight because I knew that she wouldn’t talk.  So, what things did she talk about when her defenses were down?  All her ex’s good qualities, and then she told me that I was acting like a dog, that I looked a certain way that she does not find attractive, and that I was unproductive.  It’s so transparent too.  I had a car accident and I am divorced completely and my properties are divided, so with that pain, I will attack the person in my bed.  WTF?  She says that I bail when things get tough.  The more accurate response is that when things get tough, she won’t talk about it, but she will criticize and be passive aggressive.

It’s ok to be sad, mad, or scared, but it is not ok when you are not wired in a way that you are able to talk about it to criticize another and say hurtful things.  I am so done.  I have actually never been this done with another human being.  We can be friends and joke around on occasion, but the girl that I’m looking for talks to me when things are scary, new, or sad.

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Deep inside a shadow

I’m getting ready.  I figured some things out and I feel like this new shift that all of us are supposed to have is happening for me as well.  It’s like emergence.  As there are no coincidences, it is fitting that I had the worse part of a mild flu last night and ran a high, shaking fever.

Everyone has patterns.  So does my ex.  She tends to be a grass is always greener kind of person, and that is where she and drunk are the same.  What she does is she is with someone and misses stuff about her most recent ex.  She used to miss sex with her ex who she had raised her other children with, and last Friday night she told me how she missed her most recent ex (besides me) because of the way she smelled and was such a woman in terms of having candles lit when she got home, etc.  I felt like saying, “Sorry it was always just dinner when we were together,” but instead when she was going on and on about her, I said, “Candles lit, looked beautiful, and dinner made?”  She said no that I was the only woman who ever cooked for her.  But, because she is now in her pattern of missing her ex, she remembers all the good qualities that I don’t have.  I can tell you that I’d rather have great, passionate sex!

The drunk was not exclusive with me until she moved six states away.  That is grass is always greener for her too.  She missed me and realized that she was in love with me when she and I went away to NM together for a weekend, but she was moving to the east coast in a month, so it was bad timing.  She didn’t tell me that she loved me either until I had flown to see her once, and she had just made love to me after she had come for a trip and visit.  At that point, the drunk had flown to visit my son and I about a month after I had visited her back east, and then she professed her love after we had a our first night together.  Although, I did love her, I was never in love with her.  I was slowly realizing that she had a problem with alcohol; honestly she loved the bottle way more than my son for sure.  And I was a distant third.

My ex loves money.  She says all the time that she is not materialistic, but she is.  She hoards material things because she fears an early death and her beautiful little boy being without as she was.  That I do get.  I don’t want my son to feel poor.  I work around the clock because of that issue of mine too.  She and I both had periods in our childhoods with periods of significant poverty.  My son has never known eating shitty food or living somewhere unsavory.  Her son will never know these things either.  So, in that way, we are driven by the same fear.

Grass is always greener and driven by desire for more.  Me?  I just want to find a sexy, bright woman who wants a resolution with me because she knows that I’m worth it.  I’m the one that she wants to build a future with and doesn’t make her feel any longing.  I’ll know when I meet her, and want to start off with let’s figure out what we both do in conflict and talk about it while we honeymoon.  She and I can figure it out…  Together.

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Must recall

I was just thinking how “selfish, negative, and creepy” has now been reduced to “not productive,” and the clear contrasts with an ex and some slights about appearance.  I think that I like the former failings better because they are overtly aggressive and not passively aggressive, and again, like I said in October when we had sex outside of the context of relationship, “I couldn’t see having a lifetime of that.”  I still can’t.

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The thrill is gone

I have had a very longterm relationship, and another one that was around three-years or so.  The latter was with a girl, and that was easier for me to navigate because I could still muster passion for her.  With my ex-husband, we became barely connected partners, and I don’t want anything like that in the future.

I’m being punished for not going to her party.  So, if we aren’t dating and we have sex like a PRN, and we are definitely NOT friends, why should I go to your party?!?  Today, she e-mailed that I was invited to it and wasn’t there.  No shit, Sherlock.  “This is…  My ex-girlfriend?  An FB who I love, but can’t get my shit together with?”  WTF?

We shall see if next Friday passes with no hook-up.  I can’t hustle anymore.  I just can’t.

I don’t know if when she is like this if that will even last.  We don’t run into each other at all, and honestly I just want to be amiable when we do.  I don’t know if even after she has moved through Christmas without her father if she will be any different with respect to me.  I think for right now, I’m just going to bow out with no contact and see if we can hook-up next weekend.  She asked for pictures of our tree–it is going up tomorrow.

I’m not one of those people who cares if I have a girl at Christmas or on New Year’s.  That’s not my thing, because it’s contrived.  I’m a lot of things, but I’m real, and without passion, I don’t dwell.  I’m looking forward to buying a little tree tomorrow and decorating it with my son, and I’m also looking forward to the Nutcracker with him on Saturday.  I think that I’ll also take him out for sushi.

I have been working like crazy.  I did Monday – Wednesday night, but managed to meet a colleague on Tuesday for weights, but tonight I’m really looking forward to connecting with my son.  I think that I’ll cook a favorite meal for him too.  He’ll have to tag along and play air hockey and foosball tonight while my colleague and I lift.  I can take Sat off from working out because I have to babysit, go to a six-year-old’s bday party and then we have our ballet.  That seems good.

Thrills are not something that I seek.  I don’t like neutrality though.  I have this mug and it says, “would rather be alone than taken casually,” and I think that sums up who I am pretty well.  I like my own company quite well and have tons of friends.  I will be interesting to see how the next five weeks go by and develop.

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Journeys

She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.”  She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd.  What’s my alternative?  I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on.  She also said that she was thinking of me.

So, tag you’re it, right?  My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous.  I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her.  That’s true too.  I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.”  I do.

I do not feel remotely safe with her though.  That is why I won’t date her.  There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either.  Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.

The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her.  I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years.  I am usually controlled with respect to anger.  I’m a processor.  I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.”  I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.”  And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you.  We can talk another time.  Let’s just hang up for tonight.”  She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money.  It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.

That’s not vulnerable though.  That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even.  I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean.  I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years.  She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.

I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way.  I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm.  I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.

As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list.  I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well.  But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school.  I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.

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Craving

It’s interesting that it took me this long to get where I don’t have any angst whatsoever.  It was a long, long haul.  It seems like this last time around when we were together for about two-months it was a trial run for me, and I probably didn’t think it was going to work anyway.  I think that I just love having sex with her.  I’m kinda neutral on relationships in general at this juncture anyway.  They don’t seem to last.  Maybe I’m in a weird age bracket.  Who knows?

We can have sex two weeks from Friday or not.  I’m not holding my breath or will I ask for it.  I haven’t ever asked for it since my bday and she got pissed and left.  She accused me of keeping her up.  As I said in October, I’m permanently off that party bus.

I know her patterns with me anyway…  She contacts me when she misses me, wants to have sex, or feels like she needs to connect to me.  The way in which she does the latter isn’t the way anyone connects with me.  She’ll call with book titles or parenting tips.  I guess it’s an intro into a conversation, but it doesn’t facilitate one for me and frankly, isn’t the way that anyone talks to me.  I think that she is used to being the guru and the smarter one when it comes to her friends, so she gives advice or tips.  She should blog 🙂

Next spring, I’ll date again.  Right now, I can do sex with my ex or not.  I don’t have to reach out and don’t care if she does or not.  I have only known her 14-months and that’s no longevity for person like me that has had some friends for nearly thirty-years.  Additionally, I know that I will never be close with her.  That’s unfair to my next girlfriend, and is a very weird boundary for me.

I’m grateful to not be in the land of craving her, or wondering when she’ll contact me, or hoping that we will be together again.  If we are meant to get together next year, we will, but I know that we’d need counseling.  I wish her well this weekend at the big party she’s hosting.  I’m glad to chill at home and get some stuff done.  Most of all, I’m glad to not need to detox or deal with my likely former addiction to her.

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Come and get me

Again, if she wants to have sex, she has to drive down here, and if that doesn’t work for her, we can go back to the land of whatever.  For now, I will text here and there because she called me this morning and said that she wants to date again when she is doing better.  We also reminisced about a funny time that we had last October, and then she said, “I miss you, ____.”  I told her, “I’m sorry,” and I really am.  Because what I miss is long, long gone as is that fun and carefree girl.  I don’t think that she left just because her Dad is gone, but rather she fell in love with me quickly (As I did with her.) and showed me her best face for three-months, and then she started her controlling and unattached stuff that she does.

We shall see.  Her journey is independent of mine and I don’t chase anyone.  I did enough leg work for her when she was my girlfriend.

I’m pretty sure that she knows that I don’t desire a friendship with her ever.  I would like us to be amiable, but right now, it’s not like that at all, as we still may have sex occasionally.  However, I need to be clear with her at some point that I won’t drive up there for sex again.  The barking dog incident (And this should not be confused with the psuedo-biographical account of the autistic teenager) cooked that for me, as I knew that I’d be blamed for her not sleeping.  I am not going to be a punching bag at all even if we do occasionally have intimacy.

So, I guess if she does ever want me again, she’ll have to chase me a little.  Otherwise, I will know that she’s just not that into me and I’m so fine single, that it’s not even funny.  I would love to co-parent with a woman, but I’ve learned in five-years how to solo fly with supports.

I had a good night.  I walked my dog and am chilling and going to hit the sack early.  My son doesn’t have school tomorrow, so I’m writing tonight (here) and he is with my parents.  We cooked tonight at a good friend’s house and her daughters and some of her friends came over and played a dance game on the Wii.  It was really fun and I loved being around typically developing teenagers, as I don’t work with any who fit that bill.  I have great friends.  I’m fine on my own, and open to whatever happens next.  I just won’t hustle for anyone right now, and need to keep focused on parenting and getting my schooling done.

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Rules

So, they are all for me now (rules).  She was texting a bunch the last two days, so I just called her because I don’t want to text back and forth because it’s weird and we are no longer dating.  She talked about her recovery and I told her about my determination that I am not at all into the engineer and that there was a woman in a bar who was checking me out and I didn’t notice at all, but my friend had told me to watch the video of when I sang karaoke, so I could see it.  I probably won’t though, because it doesn’t interest me and neither do women right now either.  She abruptly hung up; although, we have our “friends hat” on now.

Later, of course, she texted and told me that it hurts her to learn about how many girls are attracted to me because she still loves me and is attracted to me.  I told her that we are not friends then. I need to be clear and so should she if she wants to feel better, etc.  Then she told me that she would do couple’s work with me, but that she has so much to sort out individually–and that she is working on it too–so she cannot do that on top of it because she is not able to commit to double therapy.  She said that in the interim she’d understand if I moved on, but between now and then she’d appreciate us physically connecting…

I worked 45 hours this week and will work 52 next week, so if she wants sex, she’ll have to drive to me.  I will not go there for a long time, and there is a good chance that by the time I really need some intimacy that I’ll just go out around here to see if interest in women is something that can start to happen for me.  Right now, they tend to annoy me or I guess I just don’t notice them.  That is nearly 100% independent of her too, because I’m simply not ready to date.  I wouldn’t date her again either without her making some serious changes.

I was feeling very good that she finally has admitted that she is the one who needs to do work.  It’s not me.  I’m stable and grounded and know that really I just eventually want to share my life with a woman, but don’t want to to share it with one who is on my ass all the time or picks fights.  No thanks.  So, if she wants to have sex, she needs to head my way, because I won’t ever text her first and I don’t want to drive up there anymore, because frankly it’s a financial and time sink–it’s not worth it to me unless we were building something.  I get that she probably wants to date me, but I don’t want to date anyone who I don’t feel important to.  If you really want me, come on down, as you know where I am, I’m a sexual person, and I’m more than happy to meet your needs, but it has to be on my terms, because you are the one who continued to push and pull, so now my ground rules are come to me if you want me, but I’m not doing dating maintenance.

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Feet on the ground

One foot forward and moving toward is what I want.  I will value having my doctorate done and my head clearer.  I will get my proposal defended this year before it ends.

I’m given quite a bit of pause how I don’t care to pursue any girls at all and how they tend to annoy me or not be quite what I’m looking for in terms of dating.  I am not chasing anyone or I am making things work that won’t work past some sex or tolerating what are simply some incompatibilities.  Pink says, “I don’t believe in soul mates, happy endings or the one,” and I would have always tended to agree with that.  However, there were some unique and earth moving things that happened for three straight months last fall that also give me a great deal of pause.  Maybe those soul-level connections are not meant to last.

That is why I have come to wanting stability in addition to sexy and smart.  That works for me, because except for getting irritated, I think that I have both feet on the ground.  I’m just looking for space from my ex right now, and I think that if it comes to it, she would stop contacting me if I asked her to.  Right now doesn’t feel like the right time because it was just her father’s bday, she is recovering from complex surgery, and it’s now the holiday season.  If it gets too emotional for me, I’ll tell her to cease.  However, my line is firm about not driving up there.  That I won’t do.

My psychologist says, “Chop wood.  Carry water.”  For me, it’s last night trying to complete three sets, and giving up, drinking a beer and eating cheese puffs.  I felt sad and laid in my bed and was mindful about crunching.  I miss our old times, and know that they don’t exist anymore.  I told myself it has passed.  That made sleeping easier.  It’s what I’ve got right now.

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Not into her

It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me.  I can use some downtime.  I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want.  I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox.  I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now.  In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.

I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months.  I met her in June of 2009.  When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone.  It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things.  I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October.  Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year.  However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip.  I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f.  Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.”  I guess that happened with my ex too.

She started breaking up with me once a month since January.  I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September.  Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening.  And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months.  Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow.  Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.”  To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”

What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl.  I would like some time to elapse.  It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college.  She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together.  When do you really know someone?  It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex.  I just won’t.  However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer.  Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself.  People sure are weird.

The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it.  Also, right now she is dating some men.  Nope.  I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night.  She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.”  No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman.  Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.

Again, I have not met her yet…  I am looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable
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There is no perfect partner

I get accused of wanting perfection, but that’s not it at all.  I want a girl to want to be with me, and when we make a plan, which I look forward to more than most because my life is busy, I just want it to come to fruition.  I would like stable next time around.  I would also like consistent.  I’m more than willing to work on my issues of rejection so I can project a healthier and more whole me out into the universe.  I do believe that you get what you put out.  I have always been consistent.  I have never broken a date.

When I commuted in state (80-miles when it was roundtrip) and was still in two grad programs and doing night work for schools, I made a couple of snafus, as did I once this August when I couldn’t bike on Sunday because I had to read at church, but I would never change plans because I didn’t feel like it or I had some half-assed emotional response that I was unwilling to share.  That’s not me.

I have also been really good about accepting my role in conflicts.  I think what will be a stumbling block for me next spring will be that I need to be careful with casual and sending the wrong message.  I need to practice saying, “I like you.  Let’s just see each other when it makes sense, and not too frequently, because it’s really good to miss each other.  In terms of future, let’s see what develops.”  I can do that.  I’m not ready yet, but in a few months maybe, and then I will see HER.

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She does know me

She has been texting and HeyTelling me like crazy.  Finally, after I got done meeting with my other committee member for my dissertation, I just called her.  We talked easily and well and I fessed up that I have no desire to date or am I really attracted to any girls enough to hustle for them.  I said I’m going to screen print a shirt and it will say, “Yes, I know that I’m fun, but I really am not available to date,” and she followed it up with saying, “Just make a QR so that girls with Smartphones can scan you.”  That was hilarious.  Good one.  With her being so contemplative, she can’t attack.  It’s nice.  I do love her–especially when she is not moody and in her critical mode.  I think that she’s aware of this personality taint.

I also think that she’s cognizant that whenever I drop off food, it’s my last hurrah.  I wonder if she’ll date someone come January.  I think that she will.  I wonder if it will implode by April or if the girl will be much more accustomed to sucking things up and she can string her along for a few years, because she is incredible for a few weeks a month.  Who knows?  I wish her the best.  I really do.  She can be amazing, but when she is in a bad mood or pissed about little things that everyone does…  Watch out.  It’s horrendous.  I’m not going to write again until I do drop off some meals for her.

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On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

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Been on the run

I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships.  I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former.  Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year.  I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily.  I don’t want rancor.

I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman.  I loved being vulnerable.  I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her.  That made me realize the possible.  Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection.  I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day.  I also keep my body in tip top shape.  Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.

With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded.  I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her.  I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me.  I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.

I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker.  I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy.  I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher.  I just like her way.  I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush.  I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open.  I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion.  My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone.  I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love.  I know that I am.

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Waiting

I wonder who she is…  I’m sure that I haven’t met her as of yet, but I’m sure that I will know it when I see her.  See for me only the commitment piece is the slow part, but I just know when I know that I want to have some dates with a girl.  I can see a girl across a room, I can touch her hand, or in the case of my most recent ex, I can exchange e-mails and just know that we were connected.  I told one of my best friends last night that is what I’m looking for and that I don’t want something that I have to work at initially or chase.  I want that boom.

I would like to meet a girl who is flexible too.  I know that some of the bumps that I had experienced in the last two relationships were because both of these girls had to drive the bus to the exclusion of anything that I wanted.  For example, we have to live in FL, and bar hop–I don’t even drink much.  And I won’t leave my house.  How do you know all these things?  Why can’t you make decisions together?  That’s what is more normal at this age.

I want that attraction and then maintenance of wonderful conversation based on chemistry.  I want good kissing and a girl who touches my body because she is completely attracted to me.  I’d like a fairly mellow and open girl who loves to be outside in anyway that she can who doesn’t give me shit for not skiing or boarding, and is willing to share snowshoeing or hiking with me or let me do it and then reconnecting with me for dinner while we cook, sip wine, and laugh.  I’m sure that everyone is looking for a girl like this, so there must be a few out there for me to meet come spring.

Now, it’s time to write.  It’s time to clean.  It’s time to see other clients and complete hours for school.  It’s time to reign in my son and ensure that he is mostly sweet.  For now, I’ll grab another cup of coffee and get in the shower though!

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And I want to see you

So, she wants me to meet her for a drink, and I can’t.  I have to meet with my supervisor for an hour and a half and then after that, I need to lift weights for my own mental health.  Plus, the woman who I supervise has had a pretty tough year so far, so her other supervisor who helps her work with young children and I are taking her out tonight.  I told my ex that I could meet her, but it would be really late and then she asked when my evening plans are done and I told her that I don’t really have an end time on dinner, but that we want to support our intern because it has been a tough, tough quarter for her.  And for me, as I don’t remember ever a year starting off like this for families who have kids in school.

I don’t understand why she has to contact me all of the time.  Can’t we lay low and then I’ll drop some food off for her before her surgery?  That seems most normal to me as we are not dating.  The only time that she didn’t contact me much at all was in between Memorial Day and the time that I saw her after the Fourth of July.  The reason that she didn’t stay in touch with me is because I had asked her if we could go to counseling and she didn’t have the guts to say, “No,” until she saw me and then she wanted to make me want her and presented like a corpse so I don’t want that.  She had followed up in an email saying that she had been looking at me the whole time–at that point, we hadn’t seen each other in six weeks–and that she was just scared.  However, our subsequent date she was edgy.  She doesn’t seem often to be in a very good mood when she sees me and that makes a friendship impossible.  She’s moody.  I’ve been with moody, and I don’t like it.

Because I don’t want to rush around or go somewhere late at night and then drive all the way home, I just think it best if she really does want to meet with me for a drink that we do that next Friday.  That’s fine.  I hope that she is acting nice.  I also hope that she gets that I don’t want her advice.  My friends don’t give me unsolicited advice.  I have certainly asked for advice about her when we were dating, but they don’t tell me all the time what I should do.  That’s a hot button for me, because I’m an adult and conduct my life well.  Things that I know that I should do differently, I am starting to do, and it’s because I want things to feel more streamlined and easy on the home front.  So, we shall see if she presents kind, if we can laugh, and if she does not give advice to me.  If not, we can try again later.  I do want us to be amiable.  That’s important to me.

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Bad Day

Although really not that bad of a day yesterday, it was definitely not my favorite.  And my son didn’t get much sleep so he was a holy terror.  Cancellation of my friend’s son coming to dinner made him cry, so he tried to play with one of my best friend’s daughters, but they are very different, so I think last night he was a little bored.  He also was in a very strange mood during the cookie decorating with his godmother and his “cousins,” so it was just an off day.  We have those.

I went to bed at a decent hour and even did 20-minutes of cardio this morning.  I explained to my son that tomorrow would be the only practice that I would miss of his because I need to get back on my weight lifting and he understood this morning saying, “Well, it’s not like you’d miss a game!”  He gets it.  He is a pretty cool kid.  Now, I’m drinking coffee and reflecting.

I get that conflict is inevitable, but I don’t want to fight dirty.  Name calling and bringing up old resentments that you never get over should not typify your fights though.  Should we ever go to counseling, I’d like to start there.  However, I must note that I have spent three-years kinda like this, because I’m sure that folks know that drunks fight just like that too.  I just don’t want that in my love relationship.

I want someone who treats me well and when I aggravate her, she and I take space and then talk about it.  I would prefer to know how long that space is, because in my last relationship it just seemed indefinite, and then I’d be waiting around and getting nervous and when I’d engage her in conversation she would either snap at me or attack.  It sucked.  I don’t want that again.  I had read once in a marriage and family textbook that couples who fight well can do the long haul, so that’s what I want the next time around.  I want to resolve conflicts.  I will look through my old entries that I have kept since 2009 and see if that is normal for me.  Have I always wanted to resolve conflicts well?

Right now in addition to really pounding homework, I need to work in counseling on what I should address and that is my need to manage feelings of rejection.  I don’t know how long the haul will be, because I feel pretty sane.  I’m not in the imbalanced dance that I was five-years ago even remotely.  However, I am on the track of self-improvement, so I would like to work on what came up for me this time around so I can go into my next venture, or go to counseling with my ex with an idea of what will help me move forward.

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Never settling

I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be.  Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast.  What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight.  And God, does she fight mean.  It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated.  She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?”  Nope.

It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain.  Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed.  I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad.  I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance.  I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it.  That is my stuff though.  I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner.  I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.

In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed.  I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision.  The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb.  Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song.  I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done.  Might as well keep doing it.”  The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build.  You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain.  With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much.  It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”

Now, I want to be alone.  I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete.  Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone.  The first time was when I was 14.  The second time was when I was 23.  The next time was when I was 33.  Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain.  There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”

 

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My place

So, I went out with a friend last night, and I really wish in most ways that I had known that my best friend was hosting a karaoke night, because that is much more my speed, but I did get some insights from the friend with whom I spent last evening.  It really is great to have so many friends who work in mental health.  She told me that our relationship has the perpetual flavor of “I will leave you first.”  I can honestly say that I have never done that with a girl, so it is spurned by a super shitty dynamic that only she and I create.  I get that she has a control and abandonment flavor, but no matter how sexy she is, I must not take her back.  If I see her again and she has been sexually untoward, I must say, “I will definitely see you.  Here are the three names for psychologists and social workers that I have.  Phone screen them and tell me where to meet you or trust me and I will make the appointment.”  That has to be it.

Additionally, I know in the bottom of my heart that she is interested in the woman with whom I will have a playdate and probably a couple of others who actually live in her county.  I am intuitive, and she would not continue to ride my ass about “someone” if she didn’t have a woman closer than I who is a prospect.  I am not going to text–something that I’m good at–and I have changed my mind about sending a letter asking for counseling. She, of course, emailed yesterday, and I wrote that I would go to couples’ counseling with her in a heartbeat, but ironically there is not time.  And there isn’t!  Like I always say, “We are not aging in reverse!”