Tag Archives: Learning

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Worth it

I guess that’s what I’ve come to ultimately, and it’s that I want to be valued enough that when differences occur or there are some things that need to be addressed in this “relationship” that we just do it.  I don’t want to be criticized and definitely don’t want my son to be looked at like “a psych experiment.”  I think that when you are done, you reflect on things that you let go or ignored.  She actually said that once.  I think she is actually fairly fucked up and still hold that she is the queen of projection and displacement.

I had a dear friend over for dinner last night.  She is actually a lesbian too, and I only have one friend who is close to me who is.  She works constantly, so we aren’t super close.  The occasion was that she is moving out of state–to the West Coast.  It was so great to see her.  I told her that my ex and I didn’t really work and also told her how we met, and then casually chimed in about her having difficulties with my son.  Her huge eyes got bigger.  She told me over and over what an amazing kid he is and how lucky I am.  There are probably many reasons that my ex and I didn’t work out.

Of course she texted me during dinner and now has questions in her non-questions.  I briefly answered it this morning and although there is no salutation in text, I said, “Have a good day.”  She’ll never come down for dinner, and I know that I knew that when that is what I offered for us seeing each other.

I told my friend last night that I want more lesbians in my life, and she said, “Why?  They are cliquey and never respect new relationships.”  I told her my partner is not likely to grow out of straight girls who I have known most my life, and she said, “I don’t have any problem meeting women.”  Not that I’m in the market.  My heart is healing.  However, I remembered meeting (kind of) my ex’es’ friends and they were cold to me.  She has a group of lesbian moms who she hangs out with, and I could care less who likes me so I just ignored them.  If I was worth it to her, we’d have hung out with her friends during our 8-months.  We didn’t approach a relationship balanced at all.  I don’t want to contact her, know that she’ll continue to contact me, but will just let whatever fade and trust that I won’t run into her for a long time.  How odd what not only transpired, but what we have become.

 

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Suckage

I’m foul today.  It’s also way too hot all of a sudden.  I’m so pissy and mean that I know that I can’t even workout tonight.  At least I got a walk in with my son, but I had to wake him up way too early to take breakfast over for my Dad.  At least we only had to stay at my folks’ house for a couple hours, but with the childhood that I had (seriously) it is increasingly hard for me to feign happiness.  I can do the propriety and respectfulness, but that’s it.

She texted yesterday.  It made me really mad.  When is she going to leave me alone?  It is you, who won’t go to counseling with me!  It is you who can’t answer simple questions.  It is you who started this downward spiral and shitty pattern of push after the first of the year, so now you need to back off any contact, because you have no intention of coming down here to see me.

Damn her anyway.  She started all of this bullshit and says that we both had a hand in it.  Want to know the truth?  We did.  Because I let her treat me like shit for nearly four-months.  Now, I’m just angry and want her to leave me be.

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Dating: My Retrospective

I had to throw out a whole pot of coffee this morning.  It was a great metaphor.  I used to be too weak.  I’d put up with shit for a long, long time in relationships that I just shouldn’t have.

I realized that I should send my five-year saga into the world today to stop giving it energy over me.  I think that it will help.  Prior to 2007, the only thing that had happened is that I had two covert gfs.  One in high school and one in college–both of whom I was “caught” with–then this buddy of mine fell in puppy (non-lasting) love with me and pursued me for quite some time, so the second time he asked me to marry him, I consented, told myself that five-and-a-half-years of my life was “experimentation” and then was married to a man for 9-years.  Then, as I had written in earlier entries, folks who had not seen me in awhile would say, “______, is married?!?  To a man?!?!?!?”

My coming out affair started when I touched her hand and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!”  So, I did avoid her, but since I worked with her, I had “dealings” with her and I had to do things electronic or interoffice mail.  When I would have to greet her, I wouldn’t make eye contact, so I wouldn’t feel my pulse come out of my chest.  I didn’t have to work directly with her for two-and-a-half-years so it was ok.  She was at the office Christmas party about ten-months before I ever slept with her and she was in a black suit and was pretty thin, so I went up to her and said, “You look skinny and beautiful.”  And she said, “I love you,” which would become a joke later when we were together.

I booted my ex-husband nine-months after that party (We had been separated before we had our son three years earlier and he lived in another state for four-months.) and then she and I started a red hot affair three-weeks later.  She dumped me and tore out my heart, because it was a coming out affair and nothing like hs or college antics.  She was not a bi-curious straight girl who could feel my gayness, but she was a real lesbian, and then I knew right then, that I was too.  I think that after a divorce, you have a rebound.  Mine was a gay rebound, so I had to face who I really was, and then embrace it.

I did lots of shitty, sexless dating for a full year, because I struggled picking up the pieces of my heart.  She did cause heartbreak, because it was the first time, albeit silly love, that I really felt love.  She and I had a December full of push-pull and the last time we slept together was a few days before the New Year.  (I have a four stage entry that is really, really long about the whole journey.)  What really sticks with me were her green eyes as she left my bedroom after we had made love (for the last time) over and over, and she said, “I’m not convinced that this ever needs to happen again.”  She left.  The only thing that she would tell me is that she never wanted to be a mother, and that she was so far past being “anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.”  I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months.

Then it was over a year of dating all the Ms. Wrongs and Not-Even-Closes, and I was celibate.  I rarely smiled, got really skinny, and did other self-destruction.  My energy was saved for parenting my son and that was all that I did with passion.  Next, a year and a week later, entered my Cowgirl.  We had a “lesbian one night stand,” so it lasted two weekends.  Here is what I wrote about her when I realized that she and I couldn’t really date, because it was a mismatch:

“You get bent out of shape when I text you twice in the same day–weird.” “You have only had a ten-month relationship prior to now, and that was with a woman whose girlfriend was overseas at the time–weird.” “You don’t give me a single compliment.” There were also some other things that are superficial that would be even odder to mention, so I didn’t. I did tell her rather diplomatically that I was looking forward to seeing a woman last weekend admidst my final classes of one particular course that I’m finally done taking. However, she did not understand that when I said, “I want to be your friend,” that I really did mean just that.  Plus, we were just investigating in person chemistry and she wasn’t a gf.  I had been e-mailing one woman who I found intriguing, but she was bizarre.  Enter, the Gemini:

I wound up feeling really empty, so I e-mailed this other woman a rather ballsy thing that I wouldn’t do typically that I thought would shut down our communication… I said, “Do you want to grab coffee or a beer?” and she said, “Yes.” She showed up too. We dated for two-months and I did like her.  She was an outdoor person, a musician, and hot as shit.  Plus, she was into me.  But, she didn’t manage stress well, so she dumped me when we went on a hike.  Here it is:

I told her that a lot of her stress is coming from her work. She has a big deal in two weeks, which will involve her ex-girlfriend, her sister with whom she is extremely close, and is reminiscent of her deceased father. I also told her that it seemed like all of this between she and I was too soon, for a variety of reasons. I also told her that I had been nothing but respectful to her, and she acknowledged that it had been “all her,” in terms of making moves sexually. I’m not actually sure if she is able to be a consistent person even when she is not in the throes of this much stress. It has a flavor that leaves me full of caution.

I did, and I’m glad about this statement, tell her that I would not have been contacting her so frequently had she not held me under the stars three weeks ago and whispered that “Sunday was a long time away,” and she said, “I’m not saying that I’m right.” It wasn’t a competition, but two weeks before had confused me when she called me every night, and I said as much. I told her that I wanted to tell her something and that I didn’t want to sound patronizing. She said “Say it.” I told her that this whole interaction over the past three weeks had made me approach her with such hypervigilance that I was worried about saying it, but she told me that it was fine. I told her that I hoped that she could get healthy, because right now, she has too much going on.  I drove home and was angry, but I didn’t date her again; although, she wanted to.

Two months later, the drunk comes into my life.  We had a very fun summer fling in 2009, but it should have stopped there and would have had I not had one of the most stressful falls that I have ever had, but she contacted me on New Year’s Eve, and I had before called off a stupid friendship with her because she was not monogamous, which I could have cared less about because it was a summer fling and I really just wanted a steady stream of sex that summer, and we had no foundation for friendship.  No contact for three-months, and I was fine.  However, she broke up with this girl who pressured her to become exclusive only to three-months later text me.  I think that was because she had seen me two weeks earlier.  I had written this:

So I finally saw the woman who I slept with all summer an hour or so ago. It was odd, because I didn’t care at all. It was weird for a minute and then I settled into the bar and it didn’t matter at all. She could have been a girl who I merely met a couple of times, but it was even less warm, and I slept with her all summer and she disclosed lots of personal stuff to me. The oddest thing is that a bar owner who I know was at this cowboy bar and told my friend and I to come to her bar and we would not have to pay a cover, so we did after an hour or so, and then she was there as well–feeding the jukebox.

She was merely standing there, alone, feeding the jukebox; although there was a DJ, and she was also half-heartedly watching hockey while nearly everyone in the place was dancing. I know this is my stuff, and not her stuff, but it seriously made me wonder what she will be doing in 5-years? Sipping tequila, and getting loaded in her early 40s is a strong possibility. We didn’t talk at this location and had a stilted hug and odd interactions at the first bar.

Another interesting element is that I was just getting some bravado and telling my friend that I needed another f-buddy. I don’t need that! Absolute indifference to someone who I know way too much about and does not know shit about me… I really don’t want this level of indifference and do not desire to become apathetic. It is interesting to me, but very weird. I guess she didn’t get that job in the southeast as she is still here.

However, she did eventually get a different job, and we then did distance, which I stopped wanting to do after three-months, but we had invested money in hotels and plane trips, so I didn’t.  I didn’t want to move.  I love where I live, and then I realized that it was not that she hated it here and drank to cope, it was just that she really was an alcoholic.  She is loaded all of the time.  I’m not dating a drunk.

I met my first love right afterward.  My ex still has my heart and it is going to take some time.  What’s good is that sublimation can happen right now because I have a lot of work in my yard and doctorate, and my son is taking a theater camp, so he will have a school schedule, so I can also follow a schedule after dropping him off in a few weeks.  I’m going to chart out my whole summer and part-time work.  I’m excited and I know that it will be the best summer that I’ve ever had.  I will be free of her saying that I lack compassion, whereas, I think that I have been nothing but patient with her for five-months, and just can’t do that dance anymore.  I want to be single, or have someone who is completely into me and wants to rip my clothes off.  I will do either and this is the path that I’m currently on.  I did a lot of weird dating before I got here, and in my last relationship, I was completely in love, gave my whole heart, and I have NO regrets.

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Daily Grind

One would think since I had yesterday off that today would have been less tiring, but it wasn’t.  I at least had two cups before I left which always makes the ride in less like I am in a drunken stupor.  It should be noted that I don’t drink every night.  I’m just that addicted to caffeine, and have not been drunk in the morning since 1997 when I was watching the brown and white tile spin in my Victorian Horror and Fantasy class. A good class, that.  I was talking with my work wife about “She” today, which was an odd book that we read in that summer course.  I told her that now I really understand, “She-who-must-be-obeyed.”  I tend to date her.  At least twice.

Anyway there was a scant amount of coffee left in the pot prior to my 6:30 am departure, and my regular thermos is obscene, so I couldn’t transfer it there.  I filled up my ceramic mug that I had today–one of my favorites, my Virgo mug, circa 1995–and then put the rest in my thermos from elementary school.  I have since lost the metal box, but love this thermos; although, it holds little coffee, but made me happy.

I just wish that I hadn’t gotten my “Masters of the Universe” one stolen. That one was awesome–I miss Skeletor, with the exception of his awful voice.

I always drink coffee out of ceramic mugs.  I am at best, persnickety, and at worse, uptight in bizarre ways.  Thing is that I don’t really give a shit.  My gf calls me neurotic and I don’t care about that either.  Currently, I’m drinking one of the best seasonals that one of my favorite microbreweries makes right now, but the whole previous theme of disgust brings me to their main spring seasonal, which leaves a film on the roof on one’s mouth that is like drinking coffee out of styrofoam.  I loathe it.

I did like my coffee today.  I did not like my 10.5 hour work day.  I will not like my 8.5 one tomorrow either, but the good thing is that my son’s Godfather is going to teach me gear 101 tomorrow after work (Which brings me back to this microbrew that is BOMB).  That way, I won’t be humiliated on the bike on Thursday and Friday with my gf.  Why I am with a triathlete again?  Oh, wait, that’s right.

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Embrace healing

I have had two very low days.  I have been very sick again too, which is getting very old and work has been a complete hell for two days.  I can blame just the latter on the full moon.  I’m thinking that at this stage, I will start to feel some pain, and I think that I am.  Part of me gets like Missy Higgins lyrics at times as well. “I’m a little tired of feeling like the bad fruit nobody buys.”  I know that I will be fine on my own and without a partner, but it does get old.  Very old.  Having not tired of single parenting to the degree that I would be with someone who says awful things to me and thinks of me in disrespectful terms, I won’t respond to her or do I want her back per se, but I do feel a bit hollow.

I think that it is honestly time for me to embrace this part of my journey anyway.  I should reflect on everything that I learned from this seven-month relationship.  In fact, I think that before I go to bed, I’ll read one actual handwritten journal entry that I completed and then I will reflect on what I learned and how I have evolved.  I know what I’m looking for and most of it still entails compromise.

Unsettling to me is that both of these last two women (3-years of my life) have been control freaks.  I don’t want that aspect, but rather want to be with a woman who talks through things with me.  I think that I backslid with my last one, actually.  The drunk did want to do what was right for all parties, but she couldn’t.  My last ex thought that she had all the answers.  I’m fine with learning and discovering.  I think now it’s time for me to learn and discover what I have gathered from my last relationship so I can heal.