Tag Archives: Relationships

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Begging to be told

I have some little things floating around in my brain… I want to tell it and talk about what these random thoughts are percolating in my head that is probably mostly a consequence of only working part-time and adjusting to that schedule SUPER FAST. I went to pick up the girl who I wound up caravanning with on Sunday night and her niece was in the kitchen. This girl is more upperclass than what I’m used to and I think also comes from money, so although she was in scrubs, she said, “Would you like a beer?” I told her that would be something that I’d never decline. Her niece who had been watching me said, “You sound like my mother.”

I said, “Ew… That’s definitely a Top Ten List something that I don’t want to hear,” and I looked at her again, and said, “There is probably no way that I could be your mother.” Then she said, shudder, “My mother is sixty.” I took it wrong though. Without skipping a beat, I said that was perfectly charming. We laughed and started up a conversation with my date who opened the beer and handed it to me. Rich girls do have very good manners. I think that there must be a difference between those who come from money and those who have made money. Bette doesn’t have anywhere near that level of finesse. The present girl then said that she was heading upstairs to change.

Her niece kept watching me. When she did we talked easily. She asked how old I was, and when I told her that I was 38, she said, “You look good!” A little color rose to her face, and I figured she was about the age of a graduating senior, so I said, “Oh, remember, I’m 60,” and then I winked at her. She flushed more and continued to talk. She then asked if I was single, and I said, “Very. I haven’t even been with anyone in 6-months. It feels good to be on woman detox.” Then she said, “I should ask ____, about that because I’m pretty curious.” I said, “I think that it’s kids in your age group. They don’t really see sexuality as an issue at all, and then girls, in general are always socialized well; therefore, being allowed to touch each other and holds hands and such. It seems like a natural extension. But…” I had to glance at her a little more while she was casually drawing and sitting down across the counter in the kitchen from me, “I do think that you are straight.” Then she said, “But, I’m very turned on by women,” and again more color rushed to her face.

Ha. That is some good stuff. Here is a child 15-16 years my junior who is all torqued up talking about women with me. I had this rebound thing last summer with Peter Pan when I was 37, and I found that her 31 was waaaaay too young. I highly doubt that any 23-year-old would hold an appeal for me, but it was fun, and it was interesting. I think that I need to grab a drink tonight. I have a damn job interview at 9:30 tomorrow morning, so I will have to take the boy to my folks’ house so I can do that. (I’m still not sure what I’ll be doing for supervision next school year.) I’m going to go out a bit and maybe even bar hop. I need to let these musings in my mind and body have a little life in them. 😉

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Delusions of the Exes

I think that I casually mentioned that Shane had written the same day or day after I had to sit in a presentation with my coming-out affair.  It’s so odd to have a coming out affair when you were 33, but my hs and college gfs were covert.  Anyway, the delusional one is not my coming-out affair. I gave her a simple hug and had a professional conversation.

Shane is super delusional though.  She wrote a disjointed letter that my son barely listened to and sent a complicated star device and a toy plane.  My son is 7.  He cannot interpret the stars and the wheels would take my perceptually-challenged self hours to interpret, so it’s just buried somewhere.  He has not played with transportation devices in three-years.  She is like one of those unfortunate distant relatives who we all have who still think that we are suspended in toddlerhood or something.  The saddest part of that is that she thinks that they have this relationship.  If she wants one, she would have to call him once a month, as he changes quickly.  Sad, really.  I do wish her the best, and wrote her a thank you email that day.

So, unfortunately, when you have kids and you spend over a year with someone, you and your kids interact.  Hell, Bette and I even did blended weekends for awhile, but I promptly stopped those early in 2012.  I still miss her son.  He is a gem.  She’s super lucky that he won’t remember me at all.  My son has been asking to talk to her for a couple of months, but like most seven-year-olds, he loses interest and lacks follow-through.  Well, not last night.  He was adamant about talking to her.  Of course he did have to leave her a message.  She left him a voice recording the following morning, which was today.  I played it for him and he asked to call her back.  He took my landline in my bedroom, his dog, and left.  I unloaded the dishwasher.  He came out shortly later.  Then I got two texts.  One was thanking me.  The other was apologizing if I took offense at one of her comments.  I said, “I have no idea what you’re referring to.  He sequestered himself in a bedroom with the dog.”

She talked about him at length.  I responded.  She honestly is a pretty good mother.  I think she’s harsh as all get out and I don’t want to be her friend, but she is honestly one of those people who has a soft spot in her heart for kids.  She asked to take him for a burger this weekend, but I explained that he has rehearsals Friday and Saturday, but that she could see him anytime that she wanted to.  I sent her two recent photos of him, and one had my intern in it.  She thought it was my gf, and I said that she is a 29-year-old str8 intern, but that I had a good gay story, so I left it on a voice recording.  I’ll reproduce it in brief here, because it’s funny.

I’ve been cross training since November with my workout partner.  She knows my son well though, because she is working with him as she is a Speech Pathologist.  My son reads too well to qualify for speech, but he has a lateral lisp.  This information is bg, and not the story.

Here is the story, and why I was with this particular girl, who I’ve been cross-training with this school year.  We were walking our dog after lifting weights and eating dinner.  She was talking to my son about his gf.  My son is super tall and actually very good looking.  A 5th grade girl called this house this year and left a VM and completely freaked me out, but again that is just more context.  Anyway, he likes this girl in his class who happens to be Black.  My workout partner said, “Do you like Black Girls?”  He answered, “Oh, yes.”  She said, “I like Black guys.”  My son said, “We are the same.  But, we are straight.”  There was a long pause and my son said, “You’re the gay one, Mom.”

It was funny.  My son is a bit of a nut.  That was a good exchange, was not overly personal, but was not an invitation into my personal life, but was about my son.  So, I thought that would be good, but she texted again a very stupid joke.  I let it go with no response, so 5-hours later she left me a long voice recording with race tips, and offers to send photos about her race.

Jeez.  I finished my 5-mile, and had fun.  I can finish my crazy half.  I don’t need advice.  Having a friendship with someone who doles out advice and tips is not a friendship.  Honestly, it reminds me of a stereotypical man who must be the best (Most of her tips were based on the race and her training that she had just completed, and how they could help me.) and be the one to help and fix.  Ani says it best, “I’m not a kitten stuck up in a tree, and I don’t need to be rescued.”  Also, when will she get that I didn’t ask?  I don’t need her for a friend or anything else.  I don’t appreciate unsolicited advice either.  If she wants to see my son, she’s more than welcome to take him snowboarding or out to eat or whatever.  I don’t need her.  She has strange ideas about relationships with exes in general.

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More See Saw

Dammit.  I was at my son’s End-of-the-Year Picnic when the Director of the Day Treatment called.  He said that he doesn’t know if he can get me adequate supervision next fall and spring.  I got upset and came home and did two applications, which wound up taking over two-hours.  In fact, it may have been 2.5 hours.  Lovely.  I’ll meet with him tomorrow.  My current supervisor will conference in on the call, which will be helpful.  We shall see.

I need a new nickname for the girl previously termed as “Lonely Girl.”  She is just like the rest of us, and doing the best that she can with what’s she’s got.  Honestly, she is newly divorced.  She and her partner have only been split for two-years and some change.  That is not enough time to get clarity with what you want, or how to co-parent divorced.  That takes time.  My ex and I have been not living together for nearly six.

I wanted to pick her up, but she was on call, so we caravanned.  My friend and she were from the same town, so that was a good connection for her.  She kept saying how cool they were.  My friend’s partner and she are in the same industry; therefore, she really liked them both given that she had something in common with each of them.  I do have great friends.

I don’t know.  She gives good hugs.  I had a date with a jailbait girl who I refer to as “Church Girl” last summer and I liked her hugs.  They are the same sign too.  I like water signs.  They have a good damper for my personality.  I just want to see what transpires.  What is meant to happen will.

I still like her dimples, and was very excited that she also wore a skirt (Well, mine was actually a skort, but hey!), and that I got to see her legs.  I want to meet some of her friends, I want to cycle with her and hike, and I want my workout partner to meet her.  Maybe we are each other’s wingmen.  Maybe we will be on a couch someday and start kissing.  I don’t know and trust that what is meant to be, will just develop.

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Str8 Entourage

I have been accused of collecting cute str8 girls…  And maybe like most stereotypes, there is at least a modicum of truth in the statement.  I stop at agreeing with my intern who said that I replaced my cycling partner with a prettier model; therefore, it was true replacement.  I’m thinking that most of it was just bad timing that she left her job mid-year and that I really like the woman who I wound up serving on a team with during the year.  The latter–with whom I do hang out a lot with–is smokin’ hot.  Oh well.  I like pretty girls.

I had my intern, her best friend from the southeast, and my workout partner over for dinner the night before my crazy, obstacle five-mile.  And what happens, that often does, is that girls get curious.  Not too curious, but at least the beginning of that normal, fluid, continuum sexuality stuff.  It was NOT subtle Friday night…  My intern’s best friend said, “______, do you wear the strap-on?”  Nice.

Today on the phone my new–and I guess, upgraded model–cycling partner asked what is lesbian sex?  She said, “You know with str8 couples if you don’t do penetration, it is not.”  I said, “I do rather love that when my str8 gfs say, ‘I have had sex with 5 guys,’ but they fail to mention to you that they have given ninety blow-jobs.  Str8 girls love to define what constitutes sex.  If you have had 95 cocks in your mouth, you are experienced.”  She laughed, but did not disagree.

I like my girls though…  They have gr8 show-up factors, we have great convos, and even if sometimes they tend to forget that I’m a Mom or that I’m gay, things like my acerbic wit, or disarming follow-ups tend to allow for them keeping up with me.  I just think that it’s funny when they ask sex questions.  Tonight, I’m probably going to take lonely girl to a BBQ at my friends’ house.  They have a wonderful house, and they wanted my son and I to come over for dinner–one of the Moms had given birth to their son almost 5-years ago.  I shall be around “family” folk, but am in a whimsical mood, so may post more of my musings soon.

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Game Day

So, it’s nearly here.  My five-mile.  Given that I had done my B weights late at night last night, I was sleeping soundly when I got a wrong number at 12:30.  Arg!  Maybe it was divine intervention, but it still made me mad as I was sleeping so well.  I’m groggy right now, and pounding coffee having dropped off my son at school.

Gonna run our dog a little.  She is very hard to run because she is a boxer mix and does a lot of weird furtive movements.  Right now because I’m in a tank and running shorts, she jumps sideways and wags her whole booty when I get up to get coffee and the like.  I was told that she is also German Shepherd–she is very beautiful–but whatever her other half is, makes her FAST.  It is hard to run her.  She outruns all the dogs even at a packed dog park.

It’s cold.  I like it.  I didn’t like biking to the reservoir with my new cycling partner yesterday given the headwinds.  The 21-miles was agony.  Like always though, I’m glad that I do that stuff.  This weather is great for running.  I hope that I feel that way after my 5-mile Saturday!  I was dreaming about my cycling partner when I got the two wrong number calls after midnight.  That doesn’t matter much because she is a str8 girl, and I love her bf.  I just think that I’m ready to sleep with someone, but I won’t do it because I don’t want more of the same.  Sex complicates everything and I want to enter into dating mindfully the next time through and don’t care when the next time through is.  I kinda want to see my psychologist.  I should see if she has had any cancellations today.

I got the most disingenuous text from lonely girl on Wednesday.  I wanted her to bring her daughter to an activity that is unique at my current clinical site.  I’ll be taking girls back there who are clients next week, so I wanted a dry run of the equipment.  The artist is really fun to hang out with as well.  It was cool because the kids got to make art, but it turned out only to be my son.  No biggie.  He loved it.

Lonely girl wanted to reschedule for Thursday, as she didn’t have her daughter much this week.  When I said that joint custody must be lonely–given that I miss my son by Saturday night on my non-weekends–as I’m used to full custody, she promptly followed-up with why that is not true and how her life has perfect balance.  I found it so lacking in normal vulnerability.  When I told my cycling partner about it yesterday, she said, “Maybe she just wants to be perfect.”  I let my workout partner read it and she laughed hard and said, “Wow!  That’s arrogant!”  She continued to laugh and I probed her a bit, and she said, “Really?  That makes it sound like she wants for NOTHING in her life.”  I said that is probably not accurate, because only last month she was asking me questions about how you meet girls. But, then she said, “I think that she is selling herself as perfect and that her life is one that we all should aspire to because she has EVERYTHING that she needs–enough friends, enough workout time, just everything and doesn’t need anyone.”  Either way, I didn’t like the candor.  I’m not going to make any plans with her unless she sets something up.  There is imbalance about her, and she seems really weird.

I’m hoping to have some new adventures to blog here at some point, but whenever that shall be, will be.  I have a new blog that I’m keeping up with well, and I use my identity as it details some aspects of my clinical work.  I like to write there too, but look forward to someday having some sexy stuff again.  Right now is not the time.  Time to run our dog.  I’m grateful for friends, cool weather, a workable schedule, and our house.  It’s not that I want for nothing and that I think I’m perfect.  I’m simply really good where I am, and trust my journey.  I hope that all who make my day by interacting with me here, enjoy their weekends.

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Zeitgeist

There was another natural disaster that killed 24 people this week in the US.  It left a lot of debris and devastation.  Like many people, when weather tragedies occur, I wind up thinking about wars, because they are tragic too; although, entirely human made.  I’m thinking of those families and will do so in church.  For some reason, I don’t talk about war or weather extremities with my son, and he doesn’t ask.  I guess not having a tv with reception does shield him from scary thoughts in his seven-year-old head. Anyway, I wanted to reflect on tragedies a little this morning, and thank people going into this long weekend.

My Dad is a Vet.  He didn’t see combat, but he decoded conversations which were intercepted.  He doesn’t speak Vietnamese, but it was easy for him to pick up German in school and he spoke it well enough to transcribe phone conversations.  He can’t really hear much now though.  That’s ok though, because he doesn’t really like people.  I know that he likes his grandson though.

I thought that I should say thanks before we come up on a weekend–and mine is actually a four-day one–to people who believe in God and country.  I know that I don’t have those kind of convictions, but I do think that there are many people who don’t see things as I do and believe in this type of service.  That’s following your passion.  Now, I will tell you that my heart skips a little beat when some of my more concrete high school kids who I know enlist, because they will not test as officer material and will probably be on the front lines in various imperialistic and capitalistic ventures.  Scary.  I don’t like dwelling much there tbh.  May God and well wishers keep them.

I read a post today, which was old, but was surprised that my opinion was not included in the 60 comments.  I know that I’m weird.  Some of my odd approach is the courtesy of dear old Dad, but I was actually shocked to not see anyone elude to what I think is behind many slow recoveries after a national disaster.  The writer wrote about the earthquake in Haiti, which I knew killed hundreds of thousands of people.  I knew too that it killed people who were indigenous to the island.  They are extremely poor.  The irony is that the hotels on that island are apparently unparalleled.  Scary contrast, but much like the way of the world.

My Dad is a Marxist.  I think that posting something like that could cause an onslaught of rage.  Socialism and Communism are threatening topics about which to blog.  People have in their heads that the country China is Communist, but it’s actually an Oligarchy of rigid control.  Anyway, the purpose of this post is that I’m really just thanking little people who follow their passions, and people who have deep convictions to serve an entire country.  Thank you for your beliefs.  Thank you for your commitment.  And with Father’s Day coming up very soon, thanks to my Dad for always making me think.

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Finality

I have had this damn email for too long.  I’m not sure how long actually, but today in my son’s class (while I watched him dance), I realized that it carries energy in my draft box.  I don’t want that energy.  I like, “Good.  Hope you two are well.”  I don’t want it to be anywhere, but here–namely–because it invites reengagement in conversation and the like.  I burned her name on a piece of paper last summer with a sentence that I wrote.  After I blew the ashes and it had gone out, I unfolded the paper and it was blank.  All my handwriting had disappeared.  I have decided to put this email here, and then I don’t want to say much more about her.  I got what I needed and want to go to my friends’ party this weekend with it already “sent.”

I’m going to be as clear as I can.  I don’t want to pre-arrange seeing you.  I’m sure that we shall run into each other by chance in the future, but I don’t feel comfortable with a friendship or actively cultivating something close.  We had a good trial run of things for 15-months, and I don’t want to try to convert our old situations into a “friendship.”  I’m not there, and want to heal and move forward.

I think that we struggle to understand one another, don’t get along, and live far apart.  It doesn’t make much sense to attempt to turn a painful lost love situation into anything when it’s so difficult just to get together, and even relate to one another.  If we were meant to be friends, it wouldn’t be this hard, so I think that is life telling us something.

I don’t think that you know me all that well, tbh.  I think that if you did, you wouldn’t believe that I had “zero compassion.”  But, what I have come to is that it doesn’t matter at all what you think I’m like. If I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and don’t have compassion for others that is just what interactions with me yielded.  It gives me pause, because I don’t know anyone who possesses those qualities or have I ever told anyone that he or she were that way.  Such a strange thing for me, and I can’t wrap my brain around why that is the result.  Honestly, I’m not sure why that is your pitting of me, but it doesn’t seem like I should be part of your circle.  You should be around nice people.

I’m simply not that way.  I’m a lot of things, have tons of drawbacks and the like, but I just like to laugh and connect with others.  People who I chose to spend time with help me understand the world better.  I surround myself and am blessed with wonderful friends.

I can remember not being able to wait to wake up to email you to share about my day, get information on what you were doing, who you were, and what motivated you / made your heart tick.  I quickly fell head over heels in love with you and had an incredible three months with you sharing my whole self and feeling so gratified looking into your eyes or being in your arms.  I wouldn’t trade fall of 2011 for anything.

As I’ve said, I also yielded being able to make sure that my son has a wonderful meal when I don’t see him until the following morning, I realized that he actually needed a dog, and I really am in phenomenal shape now, which I know may improve my overall health and life quality.  The last thing that started toward the end of September nearly two years ago was that I trusted myself enough to give my heart away.  Those are pretty good lessons resulting from ending a relationship.  I am lucky.  Sorry that it only worked in my direction and you never got your four quarters.  They are coming for you or are already there with a really great girl.

Glad that we are cool.  It means a lot to me that you and I will be able to comfortably greet each other when we do see each other.  Peace and light your way.

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Shift

So, of course Shane would send my son a package yesterday.

One of my clients got called into her job last night, and another one moved her session, so I decided to move my on-going family who I will be referring out to a couple of providers to late afternoon tomorrow.  Last night, I ate dinner WITH my son–he only saved me half of a biscuit though–and talked at length.  We walked our dog, cuddled, and seemed really connected.  He is awake now, because our dog already busted in his room, but I am staying home with him until his father picks him up for the weekend.  My son’s school has a planning day for teachers and so there are no classes.

I had a good shift today.  I think that because lonely girl has been contacting me and she is really pretty, I was thinking about an FB again.  She is a quick bike ride away.  However, it is not good to sleep with someone who you know has done shady things which have resulted in losing friends.  That is pretty complicated sex.

Shane and I had the uncomplicated thing for a summer.  When she told me around Labor Day that because she had been sleeping with one of the girls from work for 7-months, that when she said that they should be exclusive so she just agreed, I was like, “Peace out.”  This was four-years ago.  She was shocked.  I think that I meant more to her than 1) I had thought, and 2) She meant to me.  I never contacted her again, and we reconnected four-months later on NYD.  At that time, I figured that I maybe meant a lot to her, and it was flattering.  That’s really all lonely girl is.  It’s flattering, but it needn’t go down the sex road.  So, it won’t.

The funny thing about roads that you travel is that they can become circuituous.  I don’t want to circle back to an FB.  I do think that lonely girl will either put the moves on me or proposition me for sex, but I can just go home.  I had an FB last summer when my ex and I were on a summer hiatus, and I just don’t want one.  Even if the new prospect is super gainfully employed and independent.  It means a lot to me that the women who I met that she hung out with over a year ago don’t speak to her now.  Begs the question…  What did you do?  I know that lesbians are cliquey, but damn.

I’m fine with friendships with lots of different people.  My father had us move about 13-times as I grew up.  I was in 7th grade when we bought a house and stayed, and that stability lasted a year wherein my brother was killed and I was seriously injured.  I knew mobility and then debilitating loss.  Those were my frame of reference for my first 14-years.  It was my journey though.

The lessons from that is that I can easily make friends, but that it is more difficult for me to give myself away.  I’ve gotten really good at the latter over the last six-years.  I can tell new people my story, because I have worked through it.  The biggest shift for me is that I know it’s critical to be vulnerable when you are making a close friendship and that it is a foundational attribute when you are with a partner.

I was vulnerable with my coming out affair, Shane, and then really very much so with my ex.  That is where I am.  I’m ready not for an FB, a conversion of FB to a gf, or a woman who flips and flops and never really settles on committing to me.  I’m shifting for being ready for that real thing whenever the time is right, and it will be with a woman who I know well and have already spent lots of time hanging and connecting.

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6-years

That is the age difference between my coming-out affair and I.  Those are also opposites in the Chinese Zodiac.  Well, she and a former boss of mine covered state guidelines that have changed for brain injuries today.  It was odd because today–my work load for my day job is lightest on Wednesdays–I had told one of my newer friends (who I had run a 5K with nearly a month ago)–all about her.  And there she was, presenting for our team with a former boss of mine.  I was pretty shaky when I realized that she was there too.

Then, it was fine.  After her portion of the talk was done, I smiled at my former boss and then when she would jump in so she could present more, I could just look at her.  It was completely neutral.  So, I put on my big girl pants at the end of their presentation and talked to and hugged them both.  I talked to them at length about a case we had just completed and asked if they could look at it.  They seemed surprised, but said that they would.  Next week, I’ll just email them both at the same time and say nice to see you and I think that we have what they discussed covered.

This is expressly why I know that there are no coincidences.  I talked about her today–I hadn’t seen her in almost 3-years–and there she was.  For me, the lesson is that I can easily share space with my ex in six-years.  At least my coming-out affair gave me a good and genuine hug.  I think that when I run into my ex, I’ll decline a hug and tell her that I don’t like her friend hugs.  She claps on the back too hard.  However, maybe with the passage of time, she can genuinely connect to me.  Interesting day today.  It’s time for bed.

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Decisions and my Deliberations

I had written in the fall of 2008 that I had “little to report.”  I’m not really there, but I do think because my chart is air dominant, I’m pretty bored.  I need some mix it up stuff.  Next weekend could start off a little weird.  I’ll get to that in a minute.

This morning, I woke up in that mood wherein I wanted to start my morning with a cuddle and some sex.  So odd that there is not even a dark horse in the running for that.  I told my ex-husband that I’m not going to date anymore.  I’m not either.  It’s going to be hang outs and show ups and no intimacy. I just want to spend time with some women and start seeing who is cool.  Daylight interactions for the most part and night stuff will be at my friends’ houses or with my friends.  The three single ones who I know are not ever going to be love interests.

I have to make a job decision in two weeks.  I can stay where I am, but I won’t have two supervisors who are full-time.  That’s scary.  I think what I will do is I will call the dual-diagnosis campus in our system and see if I can get a f2f with the guy in charge.  If I can, then I’m going to ask if I can do two-hours a week of work there in exchange for some training.  If that’s a go, then I think that I’ll stay.  Otherwise, I’m going to work in another place all together next year.  The screening interview went well, and they already have didactic components.  I’d have to find a way to make some didactics where I currently work because they are only set up once a month for the current intern program.  Decisions.  The other ones are made.

OK, exhibit A.  Church girl is not interested in dating right now, and really she is smart because she has not been employed at all for many months–I have no idea how she pays for her mortgage unless she comes from money–and has some significant health problems.  All of that is really sad, so I know that she just needs good friends.  I am a good friend.  And she makes me laugh, so that is a good friend.

I have such a good name for exhibit B, but I can’t use it, because it has too much detail and may not be anonymous, so I’m just going to call her lonely girl.  Her friends who I met last September no longer talk to her.  She used to be in a serious relationship with my ex’s friend.  Those two do not bode well for being a love interest.  I also don’t trust her 100%.  I think that she tries to paint herself in a favorable light all the time.  That’s against what my friends stand for, and that’s openness and honesty.

Exhibit C is not even!  OMG.  Gross.  We were supposed to have this dinner party that she was hosting next weekend.  She asked if it’s ok that she invited people from work, and I said, “Of course.”  Well, she hasn’t invited anyone.  It’s FRIDAY.  WTF?  I was going to make all the food too.  I chatted her that I was confused because she had asked if she could invite girls from work.  She said, “I don’t keep in touch with many lesbians.”  Made no sense.  How is my friend and I–and she used to date my friend–a dinner party?  I said, “Let’s go to a movie and have pizza or something.”  I like those breweries that have theaters in them.  She said, “If u want.”

Then she asked what hot dates I’ve been on.  I said, “Oh, tons.  I work 60-hours a week, I’m working on my dissertation, searching for an internship, and I single parent.”  I also told her that I’m not dating anymore.  I told her a little about Peter Pan without naming her or referring to her as Peter Pan, and I said that my mistake was not hanging out with her friends.  Then she said, *shudder*, “Are you asking me out?”  I was so taken aback that I said, “Fuck no.”  Are you kidding?  She has balls.  She has done one of my best friends!  She is really big.  She is not cute.  She obviously doesn’t really have friends, because she cannot think of who to invite to a dinner party when I’m cooking for it.  So wrong, like Depeche Mode wrong, on all levels.  So, Friday will be interesting, as I said.  I’m really looking forward to the following Friday, tbh.

All of my positive couple friends will be there and so will church girl.  I don’t know if lonely girl will come.  If she doesn’t, then I’m not ever reaching out to her again, because I called her and got her to put it on her calendar weeks ago.  My friends are amazing.  It’s really a goodbye to them while they leave for a year to do organic farming in HI and also abroad.  Lonely girl was saying that she needs to meet people and I told her that my friends are amazing, and that they would be wonderful contacts for her.  If she doesn’t show, then meeting good, quality people is not for her.  And because her friends who I met no longer talk to her, it’s probably not really that she is actually interested in making good friends.  I have them.  I’m blessed.

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And some are just trouble

We were deep in the mountains the weekend before I turned 38, but then her son got sick and we had to come home.  She wanted me to stay and do a long day hike along a ridge, but when you are spending 5-days with the girl you’re dating, you want to do just that.  Because she is such a driven person, she wound up bundling up the baby the next day and we took a 25-mile bike ride.  The weekend wasn’t bad.  She was moody about her possible diagnosis which–as I knew it would be–turned out to be nothing but muscle tears.  However, there was there was more to the outcome of this weekend in general.

We drove back home and she said, “Who did you think was attractive?”  I found the question odd and then she said, “C’mon, who would you do if you were single?”  I told her, and she made a slight about her physical state.  Very her.  Then she told me who she found attractive.  My ex is shameless flirt; although, she would deny and call herself “clueless” when it came to stuff like that, so I knew that she had at least had intense conversations with her.  I mostly let it go, but did say that she would start pursuing her.

Then, the following Saturday when she had plans with us, she slowly cancelled on me via phone, and wound up “hiking”–my ex HATES to hike–with her and her daughter the following day (Sunday).  Then she sent me some of the meanest texts and basically called me a big baby for being sad about not getting to see her and not being a priority.  That was the nail in the coffin for me for us to be “dating.”  My ex is like a lot of people and always keeps one in the queue.  This girl was no exception until her friends told her how she is in relationship, and she also learned some things when she was with one of my ex’s old friends too.

Well, this girl didn’t overtly ask me out, but she did ask if I was going out on Friday.  I would choose pain of death before I would go to this venue wherein any manner of the ghosts of gf’s past could be dancing, and then she texted, “I need to meet people.  How does one do that?”  I told her that if she wanted to, I’d bring her to one of my friend’s parties when I could, and she said that she’d be honored.  She is just lonely.  I was there last summer.  I slept with Peter Pan.

We can hang out with friends, and be friends, but that’s it.  She is super cute and has great dimples, but she is her own worse enemy when it comes to relationship, and I have already seen her with her friends, and it seems, that many of them don’t talk to her anymore.  So, that’s enough data for me.  I honestly don’t have anything in common with a woman who is fine with losing friends.  It seems that she is not solid enough right now to make lasting friendships if newer friends no longer talk to her.

  1. Sexy
  2. Smart
  3. Integrity
  4. Vulnerable
  5. Funny
  6. Humble
  7. Open
  8. Stable

My BFF said, “Become who you want.”  I don’t think that I struggle much with any of these attributes.  I think too, that I really do know who I am.  Shane had this tattoo, “Know thyself,” except it was in Latin.  And she did, but she was not willing to share things that scared her with me.  She was open, but not too much so, because then she could not have justified her alcohol use.  I don’t think that justification has place in relationship…  I was short with you because you don’t read my mind about my grief.  Where is the emotion in that?  There isn’t any, but anger, and that’s just masked hurt.  Hurt is an emotion that few will talk about, because it makes you vulnerable.

Stable is another important factor too.  I’m not a warm body.  I’m someone who is worth it.

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Weekender Readiness

I slept so well.  I think that I’m going to be able to improve that without sex, which I don’t think has happened in years.  I usually sleep best when I’m able to sleep with someone with some regularity–I say, “some” because there have been times that it is just a couple of weekends a month due to just dating with no seriousness.  It was just in my last relationship wherein it was weekly because we got serious and considered blending.  I think though that I will be able to just sleep better.

I cannot wait to be done with work, supervision, and then my family clients this evening.  I’m picking up my race packet and then chilling at home.  My workout partner’s date had to cancel, so she is chilling with me too.  We should probably make dinner together.  We shall see.  I have Boot Camp far away because I need to start working out with my boss due to our half being two months away, and I have to be the first to admit that I’m not ready for it.  I need to get hotel accommodations for it at the end of the month as well.  When I get back, my son plays two soccer games back to back this Saturday, and then I have a dye and haircut.   I don’t do the former too much because it’s so expensive, but I want solid color for the race and this spring.  I’ll probably need some rest time before the 5K and bday party too.  Sunday is just church and writing and then dinner with my intern.

I need to see who can walk my dog between noon and three.  I will walk her first thing in the morning and then at night as well on Saturday, but she has done some destructive stuff a couple days in a row, and I don’t want to leave her tethered in the house.  If she didn’t bark, I could tether her outside, but she is really territorial.

We had to meet with families last night who could meet.  It was pretty slow.  I wound up bs’ing with my workout partner quite a bit. She said that when my ex contacts me again that I won’t backslide much, because I am so much healthier around the entire situation.  It’s simpler because I don’t see her and really don’t think that I will see her until the very end of September.  I’m assuming that by then, it will just be a quick how are you and how is your son.  That’s healthy.  What she wanted was not healthy.  Close friends with an ex is just weird.  Now, it is time for connecting with all my close friends and meeting some available girls.  I hope that Saturday night is a BLAST.

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Dinking around

The biker doesn’t have a gf, but I don’t think that I should fly far away just to hang out with her and have sex.  Although I could really use some sex, and believe me, I could, I don’t think that something just for the sake of doing it is a good idea.  We all have patterns.  I don’t want to go back to mine.

My last relationship was different, and I think that it is simply because I’m at a different level with respect to what I know that I do honestly want.  Just hooking up when some girl is available, or having a here and there long distance fling is not ultimately what I’m seeking.  I was different and in the end I was more heartbroken afterward because I thought that my ex and I would work through our constant fights–actually saying her jumping my shit all the time and me being in shock is more accurate–and then we’d raise our sons together.  That was a fantasy though, because she goes off on everyone, and I have left my childhood behind.  I don’t need a woman to alternately complain and yell at me.

In that song “Detours” by Sheryl Crowe she seeks someone who is awake, and while I do that, I’m not destroyed as a result of my last breakup.  She also wishes to love with a “paper thin heart.”  While the slow, year long death tore me up, and I cried a whole bunch last fall, I am not altered in terms of my ability for passionate and intimate love.  With the turn of this calendar, I have not shed a single tear and we will be midway through this year before long.  I have definitely changed though.  I didn’t know her.  I had written to church girl and I told her that I don’t want to get caught up in the land of dopamine and the elixir of passion before I truly know who a woman is.  My ex and I got sexually involved after just under two weeks, and honestly I knew that she pushes away when she thinks that someone is being casual to her.  I ignored it.  Now, I’d be less likely to ignore something weird like that, but I want to have open exchanges about how a girl fights.

Describe for me, your temper?  Is a a slow, burning kind of thing and then you finally release?  Do you fly off the handle a lot and are you easily irritated?

Have you fought with a good friend?  How did you work through it?

I used to be really hotheaded.  I’m just not like that anymore and it’s rare for me to raise my voice.  I never raised my voice at Shane–not once.  Although I must admit that she and I had that free and easy dynamic wherein we sat quietly.  In fact, she would have a soliloquy for sometimes up to two-hours because I was the only one that she talked to, and I was like a captive audience.  She didn’t ask me any questions, and I was finally glad for her to simply shut up.  I wound up really missing my friends too when I was with her for two-weeks, because we have an even talking and speaking exchange.  Some of my friends do irritate me, and if talking about it doesn’t resolve, I just take space from them.

I need to admit that I have not ever resolved conflict well with a lover.  I need to work on fighting well in my next relationship.  I know what good communication is when you fight, and when Shane was completely sober, which was rare, we could talk through things.  However, the resolution never involved her compromising with me.  It was her decision.  So, in that way I have improved.  I won’t allow a girl to bowl me over and make decisions for me either.

I think that I’m just done dinking around.  I probably won’t go home with anyone at the party in 10-days.  I may not even get any phone numbers.  I think that more than likely, I will just have some fun and laughs.  I don’t want to go back to hooking up, and I don’t want to second guess my instincts with a woman who doesn’t want to compromise either.

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Snow Day

Well, it took until April, but I got it!  I always have these lofty plans that I’m going to work lightly and let my intern hold down the fort, but yesterday we had some stuff come up that only I could address.  I got up at my normal, ungodly hour, checked my email and then my job’s website, and went back to bed.  It’s so great when I can fall back asleep.  My son came in and cuddled me about an hour-and-a-half later.

So, today I’m very happy, because my son is contentedly playing Legos and I’m typing with coffee.  I’m going to make ham and cheese omelets with green onion (And I will have to omit cheese from his, because he doesn’t care for cheese much) and then work some.  But, NOT my day job.  That is closed today as are many city entities.  I won’t even check my email.  It’s not bad in my city though…  I think that most of this storm is where my ex lives.  I’m NOT complaining.  🙂  It is nice to be home, and know that I don’t have anywhere to see clients this evening either.

Our family 5K is this weekend.  We will have to get some sleep on Saturday night because we have to get up really early.  I hope that we don’t have to run into the wind.  I found out on Sunday that I don’t like doing that at all.  Rain is forecasted, so we will need our raincoats and some dry clothes.  I think that there is live music and such afterward.  I’m going to time myself, and then see how much time I can shave off of it six-days later when I run mine solo.  I would like to learn to do 5Ks in 30-minutes and 10Ks in about an hour and fifteen.  That’s my goal.

I’m in that loathing of dry spell mode.  That means that I could go home with a random girl next Saturday.  I hope that I don’t.  My preference is fun social stuff in the daylight with plenty of girls.  That is the good thing about my second 5K, because I will meet a bunch of girls during and after it when we go out for my colleague’s birthday.  I should promise myself to get phone numbers only.  These girls are way younger than me and party a lot.  I outgrew that phase about four-years ago.

I have these strange fantasies wherein I meet a girl at the Art Museum or a book talk.  I’m looking for someone who doesn’t give me shit when I make literary references or when I make jokes that are more metaphorical.  Shane used to tell me how weird I was all the time, and while that’s true, I didn’t like the way that she always had to say it.  My last ex used to give me shit about my use of polysyllabic words, and it was obvious that she was at least slightly bothered that I had made time to continue my education.  I would like to meet a girl who is comfortable where she is, and doesn’t mind that I like music, books, and art.  Peter Pan loved books and music, but she lied about where she was so she could sleep with me.

There have got to be authentic women.  I’m one.  I want to run into one.

 

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More Randomness

I got so very little done this weekend and it’s sad.  It’s already 5:30 am and church girl is coming over for dinner tonight after my son’s dance class.  That means that I have to sweep, mop, vacuum, and clean the bathrooms upstairs.  I’m not in the mind to care much, which is sad, but I will do it.  I couldn’t run much yesterday and my feet are really sore.  I think that my body is kind of against this half marathon, but I will do it.  I’m just old.  My 26-year-old workout partner has a shin splint and says little about it, so I can deal with my bum leg and creaking feet.  It is not going to be easy, but I will finish it.  Then I plan on running only 1 – 2x a week, because it is really hard on knees and other joints.  Glad that I learned how though before I turned 39 🙂

I have to work on my dissertation today.  It’s down to the wire with data collection.  I also need to remake my night client schedule.  This stuff kills the day job, but my intern can hold up the ship today.  I’ll let her know soon and leave her a HeyTell.

We have had so much stress at work.  It’s unreal.  I will get through this week, and am glad to have taken up running, let me tell you.

We are going to get a large snowstorm.  I guess that my prayers for more moisture are working.  Haha.  The birds are talking about it. I guess that “Snow White,” is not all that fictional.  They are sounding pretty riled up already.  I need to cover up the hole our dog dug when she was still a nut puppy, and also spread the rest of the wildflower seeds so they can cold stratify and come up at the end of May.  My backyard is another thing.  Getting grass to grow in sand during a drought is a real treat.

My son’s best friend’s Mom just texted…  She is taking my son for three-hours on Saturday so I can make all the copies of my taxes to send.  I owe so much to this state.  It’s ridiculous.  She is a great friend.

The dog keeps shifting her weight all over my sore and fragile feet.  Nothing like her joints shifting all over the tops of my runner’s feet.  Lovely.  She keeps sighing too.  I think that she knows that today is a workday and will get bored with her puzzle and PB-stuffed, frozen Kong waiting for the dog walker to come.  It’s going to be so nice to only be about 30 – 35 hours away from the house instead of a minimum of 55.  I just have to get through the next 7-weeks.  You can do anything for seven-weeks, and maybe I can start meeting some nice girls too.

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Fun, yet odd

We went out last night–it was a couple of my colleagues and a couple who I know who is traveling all next year and a friend who used to work with one of my friends when she lived in another state.  Like many people, she has just moved here.  The bartender was happy to see me, which struck me as odd.  I had not been to that bar in five-months and she obviously remembered me.  She has an awesome haircut, huge blue eyes, and a really incredible body.  Even my colleagues were saying how hot she was.  I flirted with her just a little bit, but in a respectful way too.

Afterward we were sitting in some straight back chairs that really could be in someone’s living room right by an open window (Yay, springtime!), I noticed a fairly butch woman sitting at the bar chatting quite a bit with the hot bartender.  I was shocked.  I told my colleague her name and said that we had a falling out about four-and-a-half years ago.  Then I was like, “This is really stupid.  Especially given that there are 58 lesbians in ______ .”  So, I got up and said, “Hey, aren’t you _____ _____ ?”  And she said, “______ !”  She embraced me a long time.  Her partner is 6-months pregnant and they bought a house in that district.  I was really impressed with that.  It’s a trendy area.

She texted me a few times too.  I need to text her back today.  I’ll be just south of there today conducting some testing in executive functioning with a client for a private boss who I have.

The other girls got there about 20-minutes later and we were laughing so hard and being obnoxious and bizarre.  We have tons of inside jokes and always create more.  The one couple is one that I hung out with all last fall through now.  I wish that they were not moving, but it’s an adventure for them.  We had a great time.

Later, they were giving me a lot of shit about not getting the bartender’s number.  Finally, I said, “You guys, she is at work.  She is swamped with drunk frat boys.  And I just saw a woman who started an orgy in my house in 2008 with a bullwhip.  I’m just not into non-organic development anymore, or just sex with no attachments where I live.”

At the time, 2008, I was super attracted to this one girl who was a childhood friend of a girl who I went to middle school with, so I engaged in some of the debauchery, but that was the year that I had remained celibate.  It was a really weird party, and an odd time for me in general.  I had only been out just under a year, and was really dealing with that I was always gay, so I did whatever occasionally.  That party was probably the oddest thing that ever happened when I was in attendance.  It was just some weird stuff and making out that went on.  We were all wasted.

This girl, who was now sitting at the bar, wound up naked sleeping in my bed.  I had to tell her that cuddling was fine, but nothing would ever happen between us.  I’m picky about who I sleep with.  The exception was Peter Pan last summer.  I just needed to have sex with someone other than my ex, and she really presented as a solid person until her lies unraveled after I hung out with her for two months.

I know where I am with respect to relationships.  I would have some flingish stuff, but it would have to occur out of state.  I would prefer to build foundations with some nice girls.  And I am gun-shy too, so it’s unlikely that I will be having intimacy with anyone around here for awhile.  I’m fine with all that too.  Time to get ready, buy cleats, watch my son, work this afternoon with a client, and then do my Day C.  At least a best buddy is making me dinner tonight.  I have a great life.

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Lucky lessons

Church was cool and like a culmination of things, which is probably what it should be like, on Easter Sunday.  I had a pretty damn busy Monday with two acute cases in addition to my regular afternoon caseload.  I think that I finished set A, but I can’t remember, because the weight room was packed when my partner and I got there and I was not in the mood to keep good count.  (I mean my workout partner, and not my partner-partner.)  I was angry yesterday, and the weights helped, but I know that I didn’t spend what should have been my last 30-minutes of my night wisely, because I drank beers and chatted two of my work colleagues who have become friends.  I stayed up way too late and had pretty shitty sleep.  The nights that I have class can be long if I don’t get down time in between.  I will think about tonight, which is only 11-hours of work including a run, as a gift as is getting home at 6.

I was thinking about the message today, rather than yesterday or even in particular during church.  (I had a lot to do during the service.)  Our pastor told us that the gifts that we have been bestowed were freely given, so they are to be used as an extension of our hearts and our true selves.  Meaning that we can express them in a manner of our choosing.  That gave me a lot of clarity this morning.  I figured if you get anything from a relationship with someone that is actually a gift if was freely learned.  You simply cannot make someone understand or get something from you, but if you come out changed, it is ultimately a good circumstance for you.

I’m ready to date again.  I know that I am.  I wish that it was simple to meet nice girls.  I also wish that the bar scene was a bit different, but it’s not, and I don’t think that I will meet a wonderful girl in a bar, but I could.  It will have been four-months since I have kissed anyone in just two weeks.  That is a good amount of space.  I had heard that half the length of your previous relationship is optimal, and interestingly, that would be during my evil mud obstacle race.  Can you meet your one when she is covered in head to toe with mud?

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Runs together

I think that I’m actually still sick.  Last night I took my son and his best friend to a musical presentation and story hour for kids, and it was actually overrun by toddlers and preschoolers.  They were good for over half and hour and then the running, jumping, yelling, and crying while they were trying to listen to the stories and songs got to them, so they wanted to look at books.  Such sweet 7 and 8 year-old boys–they wanted to sit by each other on the couch and read books.  They are so innocent, and sit right by each other and hug and talk close.  I swear when the inevitable happens and some stupid kid calls him, “fag,” in 5th or 6th grade, because he loves his best friend, I will have trouble not coming unhinged.  My little guy is sensitive and sweet, and I would prefer him to stay that way and not become sexist and homophobic.  I loved watching them watch the musician last night; although, I realized that I was still very sick.

When I came home, my head was pounding and I felt like complete shit.  This thing hangs on even through 1700 mg / day of antibiotics.  That is one scary infection.

Coffee seems good.  I’m not coughing when I drink it.  I’m only supposed to drink two cups instead of 3 – 5, and that pisses me off.  I went and had my annual on Monday and the Nurse Prac gave me some shit.  I felt like saying, “I parent.  I work constantly.  I’m writing a book.  I haven’t gotten laid since 12/15.  I’m going to drink as much coffee before 10 am as I’d like.  Thanks.”  I just said, “Well, I’m doing 60-hours a week right now and don’t have any that effects my night sleep.  I also like to drink beer and won’t cut that out either.”  I think that it would be one thing if I had health problems and was hefty–neither of those things are true.  For my age, I look smaller than nearly every woman who I see with the exception of runners.  I’m muscular though, and people under-guess my weight by 20 – 30 pounds.  I just don’t want to be sick with a head and chest thing any longer.  I’m all set.

I keep thinking how the ocean air and sun would knock that out.  I can’t afford to fly though, and I’m not positive that I have a place to stay in reality.  My best friend from grad school (Well, my first round of grad school.) called me and was shocked that we had the same break.  Her “I don’t want a relationship, and I have made myself fall out of love with you because we are open, guy,” is in town all weekend.  He’s introducing her to his kids.  They have slept together for a year.  It will be interesting to hear about how that stuff goes.

I feel badly, but I wonder if I could handle one of my best friend’s from middle school live-with bf either.  He seems like a misogynistic pig from his posts.  Like a southern-guy GUY.  I can’t stay with my ex because I don’t want to be in party central and her parents live with her.  I also don’t want to have sex with her ever again.

I guess that I’d have to stay with the biker ;).  Sometimes she has a gf, so I’d have to see…  My ex has two motorcycles, but when I say “biker” in this case, I mean beach biker and urban cyclist.  She actually looks a lot like my ex, but is way thinner and lankier–that’s what I like too.  Gigantic muscles, mostly blond, and huge light eyes.  The difference is that this one has great legs.  That is a good fantasy while I wake up.  We have amazing chemistry too.  I’ll text one of her best friends who lives here next week.  I should actually feel that sitch out a little.  That’s a safe hook-up if she is single, and I know that since everyone tells me everything, I can get her best friend to tell me if she is currently single.  I sure as hell am single.  Good Lord, I have not been this single in almost three years.  Sex seems good.  I run the risk of turning into a pig.

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Damn Good

I have had an incredible three-days off.  My Lit Review is drafted and turned in, and I gave my prospectus to my professors too so they can make changes before I get it through IRB.  I’ll call the profs on Friday and see when I can get the whole thing reviewed so I can collect data prior to mid-May.  I think that I only have about ten more pages to write and now I really need the guidance part from faculty who have done this kind of thing before.

I have seen clients and completed evaluations for many years.  I think that not including school, it’s been 13-years.  So, my clinical hours, with the exception of being time consuming are pretty simple for me.  However, I have not written a book.  It’s probably obvious that I write all the time, and do well on papers and such, but putting together all of this stuff for what will be 150 – 200 pages is daunting.  I did write 100-pages in a week, but didn’t actually pass my comps without submitting a revision, so I know that re-writing will be paramount.

When I completed my first grad degree, I piloted a survey and then sent it to practitioners in four states in this region.  I published that study on-line; although, it was solicited by another bound source.  I was simply sick of my topic by then.  I had presented it as a paper in Washington DC at my current profession’s national conference and then was done with it.  I’d prefer to get several articles out of this study while I work on my curriculum that I’m developing.  While I do realize that will happen with this current venture, I know that I’m more part of this topic, because I have had experiences with it for at least 10-years.  Naomi Wolf says, “Do nothing without passion.”  I get that.

Space helped the crush on the girl who is soon to be promised to her girl.  Good for them.  Amidst cultural differences too that would tear them apart if they were “found out.”  This fact is apropos given all the media stuff about partnerships and civil unions.

My ex has been in contact.  She did the Pepsi challenge, and I know that even without her telling me.  She dated a woman who she never would have–a blond–and still had the same things come up in terms of her vicious tongue.  Again, that’s not shocking, and looks are superficial.  I do have to note honestly though that I have only ever been physical with two women with brown eyes.  I like what I like too.  I’ll go to dinner with her in a month and ask what she is going to do about her lack of conflict resolution skills.  I have nothing to lose being that direct.

There is some girl that a girl from work is going to introduce me to next month as well.  I asked when her bday was as that stuff is actually important to me.  I have chemistry with some signs, but it’s fine for people to disagree with that.  In fact, I can pick a Pisces out of a room.  I’m done with that though, and know that my journey is for my BFF’s new son.  You see, he shares Shane’s and my ex-husband’s bday.  He is 42 and 37-years younger to the day than they are.  I can dote on that lil’ guy.

I feel springtime.  I need to pack a few outfits for my boy and I.  In just over an hour, we drop off our dog at the day camp / boarding and then head up to the mountains.  I can’t wait to watch him snowboard.  He seemed excited about it too.  I’ll also look at girls in the lodge and in the little city that we are staying in tonight.  It’s time for me to network with women.  I can feel many things shifting and coming to fruition.  Life is very good.

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Productivity

There is this piece of erotica that I really like…  The book is based on something real–it’s about sleeping with virgins.  Not full-on virgins for the most part, but female virgins.  (The Gemini musician who was smoking hot, but bat shit insane, used to say, “When I lost my girl virginity.”  Hell, lady, I did that at 15!)  Anyway, in one of the very good stories in it, this woman who works for a firm in which she has to talk to folks in other states, starts flirting with one of the women who she must talk to weekly.  At one point she says, “So, are you family?” and the poor str8 girl says, “Like whose?”  Good shit.  Anyway, the protagonist tells the story of celibacy wherein she works out constantly and gets really buff.  Good ol’ sexual frustration!

I’ve been one productive lil’ girl as of late.  Got TONS of stuff done today and also, sadly, had to fill my script for high-powered (octane) antibiotics.  Sadness.  Draining and coughing up scary things for far too long.  So, I will just write, and write, and test, and counsel.  I know that I need to do someone, but seriously, I melt women’s brains.  Gone are the days of casual sex for me.  I may go to Vegas and do the “No numbers, no last names bit.”  That would be the ONLY option.  There are 54 lesbians in ______, and they all talk.  I wouldn’t want to have two break-ups in three months 😉  (Can’t do that anyway, because I haven’t had sex since mid-December.)

Guess that I’ll motor through my dissertation shell this week.  Thursday my boy and I are going out of town.  He is going to learn to snowboard.  He is a good dancer, so he ought to be pretty good.  We shall see.  I’m excited to get to give him things like this.  My parents just wanted my brother and I to stay out of the house.  Conversely, I love being a parent.

Wonder if “the girl next door” wants to carry a baby ever…  My friend who I don’t have 100% trust in said that per my descriptions, her relationship can’t last.  You can’t be someone’s secret from her family.  However, she warned me not to fall into the role of rebound.  I wouldn’t want that.  I’ve done that before too.  My coming out affair was trying to get away from her volleyball mate who was in love with her when she slept with me and stole my heart.  I wouldn’t want to be a homewrecker either.  Getting shit done and Vegas sounds good at present.

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Not shocking

I really thought that she was pleasant on Friday morning because she was getting laid…  Turns out that she broke it off with her girlfriend (ALREADY) and she thinks that she says / does things without realizing their impact although she tells her that she loves her.  That gave me a lot of pause.  She would honestly do her lovers a good favor if the stuff that she says that they do, she’d do.  Wow.

Months ago, I’d have called her and flirted a bit and then would have gone up there to have sex with her tonight.  Those days are gone, because I’m not in love with her anymore, and grew really tired of the three C’s.  Those are critical, controlling, and competitive.  It’s really cool in that song “Hallelujah,” which I do know has been covered three million times, when it says, “love is not a victory march.”  It’s not.  While I do love her, I think that one of my dear friends is correct when she says that she is confused and has lots of interpersonal work to do.  That is independent of me.

Speaking of issues…  Here is one of mine.  Damn crush on “the girl next door” has not subsided and it is SUPER sucky.  I think about her all the time, and have darker thoughts about stuff that she confided in me about the way in which her relationship is going.  Then I think, “Well, this really might not last.”  That is hideous and makes me feel so badly.  If I was still Catholic, I’d stay up in there all Saturday night talking about that.

“Father, I commit sin a lot because I love women and can’t pray out the gay at all.  And boy, have I tried.  I know that I’m telling a celibate this, so probably on a lot of levels it is difficult for you to wrap your brain around it, but that’s not what I’m confessing.  I’m confessing that I am perhaps falling for a girl who is in a committed relationship and I listen to problems that they have and that sometimes makes me happy.”

GROSS!  How did I become this person?  Gotta get back to morality.

I need to meet some girls, dammit!  The snow is gorgeous right now and it’s sunny today.  I think that since it is my turn to pick (and pay for) lunch with my bday twin so we are going to eat in Cap Hill.  There were TWO lesbians at the cool fundraising thing last night and they were snotty and married.  Beyonce says that “all the single ladies” are supposed to put their hands in the air, and they were not doing that last night.  Damn, damn, damn.  Honestly, I had a lot of fun last night though, but they str8 guys were the ones talking to me.  Oh well.  I can work on my dissertation.

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Pleasant

I was getting ready to get in the shower very late yesterday–well, late for me, given it was ten of six–and I got a text notification signal.  It was a voice recording from my ex and was pleasant enough.  She said that she wanted to catch up with me on the phone.  So, I called her and we had a good conversation.  My two friends at work asked why I didn’t then send the email.  I said, “Well, it would be apropos of nothing given that I laughed twice and the convo was innocuous.”  I think that email exists as a “Don’t push it,” boundary if I’m being honest with myself.  And she pushed nothing.  She is truly in sales and marketing–even with her social skills.  The conversation was completely business-like, and could have been a couple of colleagues who have known each other for a few years who are warm for the most part with each other.  I still hold that she is glad that I’m not dating, and I do believe that the email will be sent when I am after she is not comfortable with my heart moving with another woman.

I have to intern next year, so I am collecting a few letters of recommendation.  Given that I had just done a presentation for our department two days ago, which is about 25 people, I asked one of the big bosses to do one.  My immediate supervisor had already written one as well, and I talked with my ex about an upcoming interview and gathering stuff.  She said, “I want to read the letter,” and I said, “I actually haven’t read the whole letter because one of the first paragraphs are some of the nicest things that I have ever read about me.  I had to stop reading it.” After I forwarded it to her, I did read the whole thing and it accounted for all the things that I have to do as a professional.  My immediate supervisor had said earlier in her letter that I was the best one in my role that she had worked with in 29-years.  It’s bittersweet to leave next year… I wish that I had two doctoral supervisors in the site so I could just stay.

My former colleague who I don’t have 100% trust in, texted last night that she was with the woman who was my coming out affair for an hour last night.  I tried to call her and she wouldn’t pick up because she said that she couldn’t multitask and was putting her girls to bed.  Very odd that she and my most recent ex had been somewhat in my circle on the same day.  And of course Peter Pan and I spoke after she was texting night before last.  Again, exes seem to come out the wood work at the same time some days.  Of course, there aren’t really coincidences anyway.

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Recipe

I think that I have a list of deal-breakers.  I read an entry this morning while I was waking up, which gave me a good idea for writing. The author explained that many blogs are about the writer’s ideas and is her or his platform.  Having realized that I have written for five years about dating (one of which is in this blog), I thought that a post regarding deal breakers was appropriate this morning on a day that I have to work 12.5 hours.  Here are the things that yield:

You are not my life partner

1)  You cook like a pig

  • When she makes you a “special” meal and treats your kitchen like a war zone and the top of your stove and cookware like a dartboard, she is probably not your life partner.  Respecting the area where you make meals is key to her approach to many things in this life, and breaking bread and sharing food is often good foreplay.

2)  You don’t sleep worth shit

  • You can’t be with someone who doesn’t sleep much or is so high strung that she wakes up all the time or tosses and turns.  Even on a King sized bed, you will sense this unrest and it will prevent you from getting much sleep, and long-term, it will ensure that you have shitty sleeping patterns even on your non-conjugal nights.

3)  You don’t eat what I eat

  • Drop the phone, and it’s not what I meant; although, I do have opinions about that, it is not the purpose of Item #3 in this list.  I think that people with weird diets or those who eat things that have 27 ingredients because they fear weight gain as if it’s a cliff with zombies chasing you, won’t really be your life partner.  Sharing a meal can be a great time for conversation and connection, and if you have to take out good things that feed your mood and provide you with fullness, it’s going to be a long haul.

4)  I have premeditative thoughts when we travel together

  • If she trashes out the sink, doesn’t pull up the covers and strews shit all over the hotel room when you travel, she expects “help” and probably just cleans up her place when you visit.  This is her game day face and maybe there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to continue to date her.

5)  You live like a Rock Star

  • Girls who party hard every weekend and want to lay in bed until 11 half-assed sleeping tend to depress people who have to / want to do something productive with their weekends.  Someone who smells like a distillery each morning and can’t string together sentences until late afternoon or evening on Saturdays is probably not someone who you plan to champion around your friends.

6)  When you speak, many recoil and others exhibit the “must run away” look

  • We all know these girls (and sometimes perhaps guys).  These are the ones who actually force you to listen to them and talk over people or do so in a loud voice that says, “Look at me, and I have wonderful things to say, but when you speak, I will say, ‘Uh huh, uh huh,’ and will nod like a bobble-head in an Oldsmobile that is driving way too fast, so I can quickly talk again.”

7)  The sound of your voice doesn’t give me chills, pause, or make me hot

  • Even if you are stellar in the sack, there is something about the sound of a woman’s voice, and it should, to you, be pretty damn sexy even when you are not in the act.

8)  I never laugh around you

  • Life is short.  Few things are serious.  Laughter creates all kinds of beneficial things for our bodies and souls.  If you can’t laugh with your girlfriend, you will change your outlook on your days and even hours.

9)  Kids?

  • Oh the proverbial dichotomy!  You either want to raise them or you don’t.  I come from the school that NEVER asks, “So when are you going to add kids?”  Let’s face it, it’s another full-time job and there are plenty of people who keep mental health service providers in business, so don’t feel obligated to cave or vacillate on what will really change your whole life.

10)  I have been with you six-months and don’t know any of your family or friends

  • If you haven’t met anyone, there are only two possible explanations.  She is really not into you, or she has no social circle.

That’s my lessons yielded.  This entry is my platform.  Would love to hear comments or what you don’t agree with in this entry.

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Going great

We got my son’s room organized completely with the exception of his closet and a toy box.  I have sooooo many plastic guys, metal cars, and just random crap to take to the Thrift Store in addition to all his size 6 clothing.  I would say that we probably have about two hours or so left in his room.  Not only can you see his floor, but his closet is not barfing out his art supplies and old cleats and such.

I just have not been able to locate one of his shin guard covers.  However, he has worn those for two seasons, so the guard may not be big enough anyway, so I could justify buying new cleats and shin guards.  You can buy those in a bundle and his soccer cleats are size 2.  My son is a horse, so I will have to buy him 3.5 as it is for his new shoes.  It was cool because his best friend’s Mom had gotten him his basketball shoes for his first season.  It was not cool that our dog found them and ate the pull strap off the back of one shoe.  Those were thrown out, because he doesn’t have need for them again.  He can wear his high top Chuck Taylor’s this August for camp.

His best friend’s bday party was fun.  I didn’t get a chance to be able to get my non-dating lower half bikini body ready in terms of maintenance.  It’s funny how carefully shaving gets so rare when you’re not getting laid, but I was super glad that I had not shaven when we got there, because that Rec Center pool was probably 30-times more crowded than the two that he and I use in our city.  The noise was deafening.  Thank God that we had dinner plans at our friend’s house.  I needed those microbrews.

The only thing that was slightly special about the playdate portion of the night was that we had to bring our dog and one of the Moms is so allergic to dogs.  So, of course she was jumping up on the French Doors and being a shit.  We had people scouring our house–I have not been able to hire this daughter-father team since 2010, but they do an incredible job.  Our hard woods are completely clean and the bathrooms are shining.  I had no idea that they would still be at my house 3-hours later.  We took our dog and thanked our friends for being so accommodating.  Our dog had been at Doggie Day Camp for six-hours, but they live across the street from a dog park, so she tore it up there too with a boxer and a whippet-lab.

She is sleeping now while I wake up–again–but this time only with a slightly sore throat.  I’m going to get through this thing with no antibiotics.  I’m proud.  It has been hell.  I’ll do my first round of cardio tonight, so I can lift tomorrow.  I am not hacking up my lungs right now or am I blowing my nose over and over and over.  So, I think that before my week off, which is the week after next, I should be fantastic.

Today is church for at least two-hours given my announcement role, and a small brunch at least with one of my friends.  Then we can do some laundry before we go to my parents’ house for dinner.  I’m sharing the lentils with smoked chicken with them, and my Mom is making biscuits for my son.  I’m not close in particular with my parents, but I am honest with them.  Just can’t see them much due to my boundaries for my health.  They are just grandparents to my son too, but they watched him for over a year before I put him in daycare.  My father is good with little kids, but when they start to talk, he is weirdly permissive and passive-aggressive with my Mom and tries that shit with me too.  “Your grandmother wants you to do that,” and that really makes limits difficult.  I grew up in “The Shining,” because he’s Bi-Polar, and has only been on meds for three-years.  I’m not exaggerating even slightly, and do know that I have chosen an alcoholic and a volatile-cycler last because chaos is normal for me.  It’s not a bad thing to be single for some time.

I asked my friends again why they didn’t know anyone who I could date or chill with.  They said, “Well, the one who is single is butch and overweight.”  I showed her a pic of Shane and said, “See?  Butch is fine as long as it’s soft and you have nice features.”  They remarked on how pretty she was and then asked why we still weren’t together given our two years.  I told just one bar story and it wasn’t a scary one either, but was comical for the part I had chosen.  They both cracked up and said, “Oh.”  That was the end of that.  Honestly, it’ll happen when it’s meant to.  I’m not sleeping much because of the lack of exercise and this shitty cold, so it’s nice not to wake up a girl this week.  Life will calm down and I’ll be somewhere, and a girl and I will just notice each other…

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Weekend is nearly here

I’m so glad that it’s Friday.  I guess that I will have to get antibiotics–I don’t think that I’ve had this kind for sickness since 2003–if the cough is still here and bad on Monday.  I haven’t done any exercise at all less some walking and it sucks.  I know that you shouldn’t have this much gunk and not sleep through the night in a week, but I hate doctors and medical intervention in general.  I will have to go though, if the weekend is like the week has been on the health front.  There are times of day when I can’t complete sentences without coughing.  I swim with my son at a bday party on Saturday afternoon, and then two Moms who have a son are making us dinner.  That makes for a good Saturday.  Sunday is busy because I have to do the announcements at church, so I have to get up really early because my friends who I had dinner with last month are coming to the eleven service with me.  I think that one of my best buddies and her neighbor are as well.  I may have to make extra brunch food on Sunday morning in case they want to come over afterward as well.

I’m happy and balanced.  I had one of those weird shifts on Wednesday night and I wrote in pen about my relationship history.  Over the last six-years, I have been with six different women in some fashion of trying to see if a relationship was possible.  I was with Shane for two-years–she wanted to marry me–and with Bette, I guess, for a year and some change.  I guess, because I slept with Peter Pan when Bette and I didn’t see each other during the summer.  Sometimes I’ve been with girls for two months, and another time, I have been with a girl for two years.  Before Bette and I reconnected, I had my eight or nine day thing, but it was a Fix-me-Ms.-Rebound.  Sadly, that worked, and I don’t want that right now.

A very good friend of mine is on the “I don’t want a relationship bus,” right now and has been going on dates.  She had fallen in love with a guy last year, and it turns out that he sleeps with all kinds of different women and is unlikely to ever move from a neighboring state.  She shed a lot of tears over him and really wanted to be his #1.  They have great conversations.  Now, she just sleeps with him when he’s in town visiting his children, and when she leaves town to visit her sister and nieces, but her heart isn’t involved.  That seems like a safe thing really.

I took a walk with a friend last night while my son played in the park.  We just made loops so we could supervise him.  I talked about wanting to meet tons of girls to chill with and maybe to expand my social circle.  I don’t know about my winter of celibacy moving into spring or not.  My friend is really funny, and logged into my laptop and started reading a Strictly Platonic ad on Craigslist.  It said something to the effect of, “Hey, let’s meet up and if something develops that’s great too.  I’m an Aquarius, and I can quickly piss off a Virgo…”  I cracked up, and she was confused.  I said, “That’s what I am!  And that is true.  Look how long my son had his Nerf gun before he destroyed the inner workings of the housing with sand.”  I do things the conventional way, and my son does things any way and argues about strange things.  I don’t think that I have ever said, “I’m not going to engage in this.  I care too much,” more than I did last night.  He is a nut.  I love him, but wouldn’t want anything like that in female form.

It’s funny because church girl said that she is loving being single and not tending to a relationship.  I like this time of silence as well, and can take care of stuff for school and clinical hours without having to explain my schedule.  However, being an extrovert, I’d be fine with meeting up for dinner, hikes, movies, beers, biking, or day trips with new girls.  I’m doing a microbrew and food sampling fest next Saturday.  I’m not going with friends either, and just will probably start at the bar and the mosey about some.  I’d like to do a film festival with discussions too.  I may do some Meetups at some point.  I just have zero interest in dating sites.  People tell you what you want to hear, and really just want to get laid.  Not to be arrogant, but if I stay around a bar until 1, I can do that any night of the week, but that’s just not what I’m seeking anymore.  Frankly, connection has become too important to me.