You reach a point where you know it won’t work–that is right now–but you want her to be with you because she feels so good next to you. I couldn’t believe that when she was finally completely done with her ex, that she had a car accident. Even more incredible is that she still spent the night with me under those circumstances. I think that she has done some damage to her back, and I’m worried about her in general, but I really can’t wait for her life to calm down some (which probably won’t be until April) so we can investigate. Now that she is finally financially separated from her ex-partner, she reminisced about her most recent partner and I think is grieving her. If she wasn’t married to a man, I think that they would still hook up; although my ex never wanted to marry her. I think that I will invite her down next weekend, and she if she’s willing to come to me, because I want to see what it’s like to have her here on my territory. I loved laying next to her last night.
Tag Archives: Relationships
Auspiciousness
Today is supposed to have all kinds of luck surrounding it because it’s the last day that any of us will have that is three of the same numbers. I was in Chichen Itza in November of 2010 with my ex (the drunk) and scholars showed us the Mayan calendar and then explained how it ran out–solely in terms of record-keeping–at the end of the year in 2012. We also saw how all parts of the calendar were in 10s. It was interesting.
I have had some really anxious kids, and I’m assuming that their families are also feeling stressed because the world is apparently ending today according to some extreme Christians. I will work with two families this evening and support those systems as best as I can. People are really overwhelmed and it is difficult to not take some of the stress on, so last night, I asked my son if he wanted to ditch his class and hang out and he completely agreed. I may drop him down to only one dance class and guitar anyway, because I don’t think that he is learning much in his vocal class. We ate, we read, we drew and then I did two sets with my colleague that was all that I had left in me, so I went to bed.
Historically, although I was born in an even year, odd years have held more fortune for me. I already have some promise of things to come in 2013, because my Pastor approached me on Sunday and asked me to preach–likely in July. We talked about it, and I’m excited. I have to finish my practicum and dissertation next year too.
I wonder if I will want to officially get back with my ex? I might if she really could learn to fight respectfully. People who say that they never fight with their spouses and the like are liars. Conflict is truly inevitable, but comfortably resolving things is an art, which also involves a chemistry between two people. She and I did the old attack and avoid pattern, which I know can lead to resentment. Which is why the Friday before the last time that I had sex with her I unloaded on her. Why should I avoid anymore? And also, why should I just take her bullshit? It turned out that I didn’t hear her correctly, but since we are not dating, I just apologized and then chatted a bit. A few hours later I wanted her, so I drove up there late that night and it was nice.
I believe in synchronicity and the lack of coincidence and that circumstances reveal themselves to you on your journey and will continue to do so in slightly different ways until you face them and move through them. I have not moved through a relationship like this though. There are only two that have ever had any hold on me, and both of them are still people with whom I have contact because of their lasting impacts on my journey. In college, I had the healthiest relationship that I have ever had, because the girl was very healthy. Unfortunately, I was not well and just moving through some of my past, so I was not always nice to her. I have apologized several times and reminisced about good memories with her. My ex-husband and I do some co-parenting, so I do have a relationship with him as well. It seems to me that my ex, is not all that much of an ex, so we shall see what fortune brings with her in the next several months.
The thrill is gone
I have had a very longterm relationship, and another one that was around three-years or so. The latter was with a girl, and that was easier for me to navigate because I could still muster passion for her. With my ex-husband, we became barely connected partners, and I don’t want anything like that in the future.
I’m being punished for not going to her party. So, if we aren’t dating and we have sex like a PRN, and we are definitely NOT friends, why should I go to your party?!? Today, she e-mailed that I was invited to it and wasn’t there. No shit, Sherlock. “This is… My ex-girlfriend? An FB who I love, but can’t get my shit together with?” WTF?
We shall see if next Friday passes with no hook-up. I can’t hustle anymore. I just can’t.
I don’t know if when she is like this if that will even last. We don’t run into each other at all, and honestly I just want to be amiable when we do. I don’t know if even after she has moved through Christmas without her father if she will be any different with respect to me. I think for right now, I’m just going to bow out with no contact and see if we can hook-up next weekend. She asked for pictures of our tree–it is going up tomorrow.
I’m not one of those people who cares if I have a girl at Christmas or on New Year’s. That’s not my thing, because it’s contrived. I’m a lot of things, but I’m real, and without passion, I don’t dwell. I’m looking forward to buying a little tree tomorrow and decorating it with my son, and I’m also looking forward to the Nutcracker with him on Saturday. I think that I’ll also take him out for sushi.
I have been working like crazy. I did Monday – Wednesday night, but managed to meet a colleague on Tuesday for weights, but tonight I’m really looking forward to connecting with my son. I think that I’ll cook a favorite meal for him too. He’ll have to tag along and play air hockey and foosball tonight while my colleague and I lift. I can take Sat off from working out because I have to babysit, go to a six-year-old’s bday party and then we have our ballet. That seems good.
Thrills are not something that I seek. I don’t like neutrality though. I have this mug and it says, “would rather be alone than taken casually,” and I think that sums up who I am pretty well. I like my own company quite well and have tons of friends. I will be interesting to see how the next five weeks go by and develop.
Journeys
She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.” She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd. What’s my alternative? I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on. She also said that she was thinking of me.
So, tag you’re it, right? My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous. I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her. That’s true too. I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.” I do.
I do not feel remotely safe with her though. That is why I won’t date her. There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either. Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.
The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her. I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years. I am usually controlled with respect to anger. I’m a processor. I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.” I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.” And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you. We can talk another time. Let’s just hang up for tonight.” She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money. It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.
That’s not vulnerable though. That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even. I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean. I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years. She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.
I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way. I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm. I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.
As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list. I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well. But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school. I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.
Trust the process
I had a professor in grad school–well, the first time that I went to grad school in the late 90s–and she used to say, “Trust the process,” all of the time. She meant that we should follow interviewing principles that are structured and let the format do the work. I do agree that summarizing is important, but following it sequentially doesn’t work. I was thinking about the process of being single.
You really have to trust that conventional wisdom says that most of us wind up with someone. The thing is that right now, I don’t want to be with anyone. I want to get things done and stay on track, and I don’t want to feel badly about not seeing some girl or needing to stay focused. I distracted myself this summer with some young and immature girl, which resulted in my being behind as soon as July ended and I was done with my vacation. I don’t want to be back in that shitty pattern because of the need for arms around me.
Before her surgery, my most recent ex had randomly sent me a picture of my ex who was my coming out affair last month when I wasn’t contacting her and I thought that it was really bizarre. Who does that? I have looked at the picture several times though after she sent it, because I have told some friends that she did so, and my friends always say, “She is really pretty.” She is. My heart would race and race and I was worried that I would have a health problem when I was to see her. I would be practically dumping adrenaline making the three turns from the highway to get to her house. That was definitely a process! When I biked with a new friend in early October, I realized that my journey with her wouldn’t be over if I truly befriended this woman who I biked with, so I e-mailed my coming out affair. It’s good to be amiable.
I have no idea what the future for my ex and I holds. I know that now we will be amiable, but I also know that she wants a deep friendship, and I won’t give that. I know that I said that I won’t drive, and then I did for $50, but I really won’t be back in dating land and have contact with an ex that is consistent. That’s shitty. I think too that because her former partner messes with her so directly, she is now realizing that she doesn’t want anyone to have her. Her last relationship also results in lots of contact. That’s not me. I’m riding the wave of trusting that if we are ever meant to be together, life will aid it, and if we are not, I don’t want another close friend. That’s my tried and true process.
Craving
It’s interesting that it took me this long to get where I don’t have any angst whatsoever. It was a long, long haul. It seems like this last time around when we were together for about two-months it was a trial run for me, and I probably didn’t think it was going to work anyway. I think that I just love having sex with her. I’m kinda neutral on relationships in general at this juncture anyway. They don’t seem to last. Maybe I’m in a weird age bracket. Who knows?
We can have sex two weeks from Friday or not. I’m not holding my breath or will I ask for it. I haven’t ever asked for it since my bday and she got pissed and left. She accused me of keeping her up. As I said in October, I’m permanently off that party bus.
I know her patterns with me anyway… She contacts me when she misses me, wants to have sex, or feels like she needs to connect to me. The way in which she does the latter isn’t the way anyone connects with me. She’ll call with book titles or parenting tips. I guess it’s an intro into a conversation, but it doesn’t facilitate one for me and frankly, isn’t the way that anyone talks to me. I think that she is used to being the guru and the smarter one when it comes to her friends, so she gives advice or tips. She should blog 🙂
Next spring, I’ll date again. Right now, I can do sex with my ex or not. I don’t have to reach out and don’t care if she does or not. I have only known her 14-months and that’s no longevity for person like me that has had some friends for nearly thirty-years. Additionally, I know that I will never be close with her. That’s unfair to my next girlfriend, and is a very weird boundary for me.
I’m grateful to not be in the land of craving her, or wondering when she’ll contact me, or hoping that we will be together again. If we are meant to get together next year, we will, but I know that we’d need counseling. I wish her well this weekend at the big party she’s hosting. I’m glad to chill at home and get some stuff done. Most of all, I’m glad to not need to detox or deal with my likely former addiction to her.
When you’ve got kids
She invited us to the pool and enticed me by saying we could work out, but we didn’t have enough time for the latter so I came home in an awful space and drank instead of eating. Not healthy. Won’t be doing that again. My son wanted to see her, and he also wanted to see her little one who he hadn’t seen in probably at least five-months, and he has changed a lot. Of course, the little one was all over me like he usually is, and that’s fine because I love him and my son was not jealous and she did stuff with mine in the pool too. I don’t like enclosed water slides, but I was game, and did them several times anyway.
She is having all kinds of work done on her house. I can’t afford mine in general, given what they have done with my salary and my health insurance and she is doing all kinds of elaborate stuff with hers. That was a stark contrast. It gave me all kinds of shitty emotions too, as did when she was introducing my son to her best friend’s son (The guy doing all the wood and sheet rock work.) and I overheard her say, “This is _______, and he is one of my best buddy’s sons.” You wish. I don’t do instant friend, and for gas money and some contributions toward my next oil change, I did you last weekend, so I’m not sure what you think of when you say, “one of my best buddies.”
My son had a blast, and we stayed way too long, and I couldn’t wait to get outta there. However, when we finally did get home, I was only able to finish the cooking that I have done, so that these next three weeks will go off without a hitch. I have a guy looking at my basement some time next week, and need to do serious cleaning and organizing, so I asked my son’s Dad to take him to his Voice class for me Tuesday night and I’ll work until I get everything done. I need this renter. Time to whip the house into shape. We are not going to talk until next Sunday. I’ll wish her goodnight and good morning and that’s it. Hell, that has been it since April with the exception of August and September.
Come and get me
Again, if she wants to have sex, she has to drive down here, and if that doesn’t work for her, we can go back to the land of whatever. For now, I will text here and there because she called me this morning and said that she wants to date again when she is doing better. We also reminisced about a funny time that we had last October, and then she said, “I miss you, ____.” I told her, “I’m sorry,” and I really am. Because what I miss is long, long gone as is that fun and carefree girl. I don’t think that she left just because her Dad is gone, but rather she fell in love with me quickly (As I did with her.) and showed me her best face for three-months, and then she started her controlling and unattached stuff that she does.
We shall see. Her journey is independent of mine and I don’t chase anyone. I did enough leg work for her when she was my girlfriend.
I’m pretty sure that she knows that I don’t desire a friendship with her ever. I would like us to be amiable, but right now, it’s not like that at all, as we still may have sex occasionally. However, I need to be clear with her at some point that I won’t drive up there for sex again. The barking dog incident (And this should not be confused with the psuedo-biographical account of the autistic teenager) cooked that for me, as I knew that I’d be blamed for her not sleeping. I am not going to be a punching bag at all even if we do occasionally have intimacy.
So, I guess if she does ever want me again, she’ll have to chase me a little. Otherwise, I will know that she’s just not that into me and I’m so fine single, that it’s not even funny. I would love to co-parent with a woman, but I’ve learned in five-years how to solo fly with supports.
I had a good night. I walked my dog and am chilling and going to hit the sack early. My son doesn’t have school tomorrow, so I’m writing tonight (here) and he is with my parents. We cooked tonight at a good friend’s house and her daughters and some of her friends came over and played a dance game on the Wii. It was really fun and I loved being around typically developing teenagers, as I don’t work with any who fit that bill. I have great friends. I’m fine on my own, and open to whatever happens next. I just won’t hustle for anyone right now, and need to keep focused on parenting and getting my schooling done.
Lessons
My number is so paltry for being 38, but I think that because I told my psychologist last night that I’m not ready to date that exercises in before and after are probably good for me. I don’t want to be part of the catch and release program anymore, so I am going to recall what I learned from every connection that I’ve had. Sadly, some of these might be a reach, but I want to list what I learned:
- High school = try to avoid enabling
- College = if you make somebody cry frequently, you are not compatible
- Marriage = if you continue to enable someone, you have to step away
- Coming out affair = falling in love will make your heart race and consume your being
- Cowgirl = I really can’t do casual
- Musician = I won’t do push and pull
- Drunk = start your day and end your day with a snuggle and enjoy water anytime you can
- CEO = keep your body in the best shape possible, detail your day and plan your week so you are more able to enjoy time with your family, and be vulnerable
- FB = I am seeking integrity, mellow is good, but not when it borders selfishness and hedonism, and I want time spent with someone with whom I am intimate to matter
I can look at these and see a pattern that follows every other relationship. That really could mean that the next girl who I sleep with could be one who I could fall in love with and give my heart to–I am certainly open to that possibility. Again, that means that there are some definite things that I don’t want. I don’t want to be controlled or give too much of my time or resources. I also want to resolve conflicts. In addition to smart and sexy, I am seeking stable and kind.
Feet on the ground
One foot forward and moving toward is what I want. I will value having my doctorate done and my head clearer. I will get my proposal defended this year before it ends.
I’m given quite a bit of pause how I don’t care to pursue any girls at all and how they tend to annoy me or not be quite what I’m looking for in terms of dating. I am not chasing anyone or I am making things work that won’t work past some sex or tolerating what are simply some incompatibilities. Pink says, “I don’t believe in soul mates, happy endings or the one,” and I would have always tended to agree with that. However, there were some unique and earth moving things that happened for three straight months last fall that also give me a great deal of pause. Maybe those soul-level connections are not meant to last.
That is why I have come to wanting stability in addition to sexy and smart. That works for me, because except for getting irritated, I think that I have both feet on the ground. I’m just looking for space from my ex right now, and I think that if it comes to it, she would stop contacting me if I asked her to. Right now doesn’t feel like the right time because it was just her father’s bday, she is recovering from complex surgery, and it’s now the holiday season. If it gets too emotional for me, I’ll tell her to cease. However, my line is firm about not driving up there. That I won’t do.
My psychologist says, “Chop wood. Carry water.” For me, it’s last night trying to complete three sets, and giving up, drinking a beer and eating cheese puffs. I felt sad and laid in my bed and was mindful about crunching. I miss our old times, and know that they don’t exist anymore. I told myself it has passed. That made sleeping easier. It’s what I’ve got right now.
Not into her
It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me. I can use some downtime. I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want. I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox. I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now. In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.
I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months. I met her in June of 2009. When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone. It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things. I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October. Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year. However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip. I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f. Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.” I guess that happened with my ex too.
She started breaking up with me once a month since January. I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September. Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening. And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months. Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow. Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.” To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”
What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl. I would like some time to elapse. It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college. She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together. When do you really know someone? It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex. I just won’t. However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer. Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself. People sure are weird.
The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it. Also, right now she is dating some men. Nope. I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night. She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.” No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman. Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.
Again, I have not met her yet… I am looking for:
- Smart
- Sexy
- Wants to see me
- Loves to be outside
- Enjoys music
- Wants to laugh
- Willing to work through conflict
- Open and adaptable
There is no perfect partner
I get accused of wanting perfection, but that’s not it at all. I want a girl to want to be with me, and when we make a plan, which I look forward to more than most because my life is busy, I just want it to come to fruition. I would like stable next time around. I would also like consistent. I’m more than willing to work on my issues of rejection so I can project a healthier and more whole me out into the universe. I do believe that you get what you put out. I have always been consistent. I have never broken a date.
When I commuted in state (80-miles when it was roundtrip) and was still in two grad programs and doing night work for schools, I made a couple of snafus, as did I once this August when I couldn’t bike on Sunday because I had to read at church, but I would never change plans because I didn’t feel like it or I had some half-assed emotional response that I was unwilling to share. That’s not me.
I have also been really good about accepting my role in conflicts. I think what will be a stumbling block for me next spring will be that I need to be careful with casual and sending the wrong message. I need to practice saying, “I like you. Let’s just see each other when it makes sense, and not too frequently, because it’s really good to miss each other. In terms of future, let’s see what develops.” I can do that. I’m not ready yet, but in a few months maybe, and then I will see HER.
Working out as it should
I got a really bad cold, so unfortunately yesterday was a wash. It’s ok though, because it’s not like I had to think about how I would apologize to the woman who has too many acutely mentally ill teenagers who I help her serve and also do some case management with during the week. Yesterday when I was sick I did not have to apologize for missing, because yesterday was a vacation day for us and the adolescents. I wound up doing very little though, and only laid the groundwork for what I’m planning on doing with my psychologist. She helped me see yesterday that I go into a flight or fight mode with my ex and now because I don’t like the way that we fight, I just choose to bail. And she’s right, because that is what I’ve done.
The only conflict is when she’s nice to me, but it’s pretty rare. She was back to one word exclamation point responses yesterday when I told her that I was sick. I haven’t even cooked. I’m lucky though because she let me off the hook and said that she had plenty of food and I should just enjoy my packed weekend. She has to get that jab in for “packed,” and I guess one evening commitment and church is super extreme. She can believe whatever she wants to about me, but I’m just glad to not have to expend all that gas and energy to get up there.
I took all the stuff that I normally take at night last night and took one more fish oil and two zinc tablets. I feel quite a bit better today. She texted and I really hate texting–especially with her–so I called her. We talked for a bit until her toddler got up and then she called me back and was acting remote. She HeyTelled later that she was NOT remote, but thinking about her day. OK, then you were not engaged in conversation then. God. Please just go do your thing and some girls who worship you and stay off my ass, ok? It has been nice to have a break, and one until the end of February is just fine with me.
She does know me
She has been texting and HeyTelling me like crazy. Finally, after I got done meeting with my other committee member for my dissertation, I just called her. We talked easily and well and I fessed up that I have no desire to date or am I really attracted to any girls enough to hustle for them. I said I’m going to screen print a shirt and it will say, “Yes, I know that I’m fun, but I really am not available to date,” and she followed it up with saying, “Just make a QR so that girls with Smartphones can scan you.” That was hilarious. Good one. With her being so contemplative, she can’t attack. It’s nice. I do love her–especially when she is not moody and in her critical mode. I think that she’s aware of this personality taint.
I also think that she’s cognizant that whenever I drop off food, it’s my last hurrah. I wonder if she’ll date someone come January. I think that she will. I wonder if it will implode by April or if the girl will be much more accustomed to sucking things up and she can string her along for a few years, because she is incredible for a few weeks a month. Who knows? I wish her the best. I really do. She can be amazing, but when she is in a bad mood or pissed about little things that everyone does… Watch out. It’s horrendous. I’m not going to write again until I do drop off some meals for her.
On my way
She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today. I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times. She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back. I cannot type, “I love you.” I haven’t typed it in a long time. Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that. Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate. Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.” She is not even like any of my friends. Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her. I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore. I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating. That’s just being awful.
I do hope that she gets well. I don’t miss her. I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday. Ha ha. Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away. I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does. She has that classic attachment flavor. I’m not looking for that. I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me. I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl. However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet. When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.
It’s my last trip way up there! Yay. I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party. I just know that I’m not. I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers. I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me. She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am. I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out. I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉
Been on the run
I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships. I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former. Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year. I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily. I don’t want rancor.
I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman. I loved being vulnerable. I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her. That made me realize the possible. Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection. I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day. I also keep my body in tip top shape. Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.
With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded. I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her. I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me. I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.
I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker. I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy. I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher. I just like her way. I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush. I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open. I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion. My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone. I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love. I know that I am.
Hmm…
I woke up differently today. Additionally, I finally got some good, high quality sleep. I haven’t been missing her since she cancelled on me in September and then called me names when it hurt my feelings. I have been thinking a lot about my last three years of being in relationship too, and I can honestly say, it doesn’t matter that she won’t go to couple’s counseling with me.
Why did I put up with it for so long? I’d never let a friend tell me the things that she had about me, and because I can only contrast it with the drunk, and she only had a couple of similar complaints about me and that was that sometimes I say things more than once and that I draw parallels from stories told to me from my own life. She never called me selfish, or negative, and definitely not creepy and although my son can be challenging, she certainly never told me that he needed to be evaluated or perhaps have meds! I don’t want the drunk back… But, she was with me for a lot longer period in total, and I think that she knew me better.
So, what I can change about me is I can listen fully and pause. If I really feel that something is important, I can state it and ask what do you think about that? If my next girlfriend likes to tell long-winded stories about people who I don’t know, I can say, “I don’t have much to add, because I don’t know these people.”
However, I think those are pretty simple things to change. My ex wanted me to feel like I had problems or I was somehow responsible for her unloading on me. I’m just not. If someone gets all over your case and you feel badly about it, it’s just an abusive cycle and bad relationship. The best thing in the world that I have done the last two times that I saw her was to just leave when she gets angry. I don’t have to engage in that kind of interaction and I sure as hell don’t have to take it from someone ever. The dog is barking and keeping you awake? Well, I’m going to head home and make sure that my presence is not affecting your sleep. Your long story within an only 50-minute time period (That I have heard three times before) about people who I don’t know is “Not about me?” Well, getting away from you when you are judgmental or combative is.
Good luck with your surgery. Have a restful recovery. Look within yourself for understanding and then strength. I’m simply dropping off some food and won’t drive to you again. Best wishes on your journey.
Not the weird one
I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything but that quintessential thunderbolt when I see this mystery girl. That’s it. Not about to chase anyone or am I begging for what I want to happen with my ex.
We had a glass of wine last night and I drove probably 40-miles round trip for 50-minutes. I’m glad that next Thursday will be my last trip for some time. However, if she would ask me for help, which she won’t, I would comply. I think that she feels guilty that I’m dropping off food and synching her iPod, but that is the right thing to do and that is me. I want her surgery to go well and for her to recover quickly. I know that she will. I then think that sometime in December, she will start dating. That will be a very good experience for her too.
She was not a corpse. She was open and fairly warm, but exhausted. Her stress that she pretends is not there has caught up with her. It will be a wonderful thing for her to not be able to move and be forced to just think and be. I’m glad that she will have this time and believe that it will be helpful too. I wasn’t remotely attracted to her though, but rather just felt compassion for what she is dealing with currently. That approach made being across from the table from her quite comfortable for me too.
I had a situation visa vi my son blow up this week. I had to put the “smack down” without him in attendance with his father. My ex asked me last night about my parenting woes and I told her that I don’t want to talk about it. She called me a compartmentalizer. I don’t think that she gets that I’m just not willing to hear her judgmental bullshit given that we are not dating. That in addition to her belief that I’m selfish, negative, and creepy will prevent me from ever being her friend. However, I’m very glad that we can be amiable and share space if we have to, because I don’t want to live into this song:
EVERYONE gets these lyrics! I like this video that is a queer take on the gr8 Gotye song.
Sex
So, we did finally catch up and the conversation was just fine. It wasn’t free and easy like it was prior to our cold F2Fs this summer, but it was just fine. It must, actually, have been better for her because then she propositioned me for sex three-and-a-half hours later. If I feel healthy tonight I’ll go fulfill that because it’s been a month. Yesterday I was excited for it in a lustful way, but today my cold doesn’t feel that great and because I won’t date her or even contact her–I will however respond–I would probably hook up with her monthly or a little less. I know that I’m still in love with her, but given how she jumps my shit all the time, I’d never want anything serious with her unless we went to counseling. She needs to get her act together with respect to conflicts with others, and that is independent of me because I told her that I didn’t want to date anymore after she marked me down and slowly cancelled plans like a blue light special.
I started feeling like it was really her who is selfish earlier last month when I tried to connect with her about feeling stressed about work and she told me to go to my psychologist. I didn’t say, “Screw you,” but I did realize that she is not the best supporter. She does like giving financial advice, but I think that’s distasteful, so I told her that must cease. So, we shall see what transpires tonight. I could go either way on sleeping at her house tonight. I’m not antsy for it this morning like I was last night. I do love our sex life. I think that it’s the only thing that she doesn’t try to control.
I did head up after a I took a bike ride. I went with a new friend. I like her. I like meeting new lesbians. I spilled though and really bruised my right ring finger. I’m not ready for a gay marriage evidently.
We talked for about an hour. I knew that there was more that she needed to tell me and it was that she had a first date, but the woman told her that she doesn’t talk much unless it’s her best friend or her mother, so she told her that she doesn’t know how she will get to know her. That’s fine. I knew that this time around that given that it’s different and I won’t date her without counseling, that she would move on, and it’s really because I’m not that worth it to her. Not meant to be.
We had good lovemaking. However, when a dog outside was disturbing her, I could see the writing on the wall that I would be blamed for talking so I said, “You aren’t usually bothered by anything outside although it’s loud at your house, so I’m going to head home so you can sleep,” and she said, “You don’t have to put that on me. I appreciate your need to go home if you can’t get to sleep here.” I told her that I have not slept well in a month, but that I could tell that she is not sleeping. I left out the fact that I would be blamed later for that. It’s not my problem anymore. I’m not the designated asshole.
That I don’t ever text her bothers her deeply, so I’ll text her from the soccer field tonight and say that I hope that she had an incredible day. I will also hope that she keeps our date on Friday. If not, I will text her each night and ask when I can bring up food for her. I will find jokes and funny stories to e-mail to her while she recovers. Unless my cousin goes to her party the first part of December, I’d rather stick a hot fire poker in my eye (Please note that I have borrowed her line there), so I’ll wait to Feb to make plans. I’m pretty pragmatic. She’ll want me if she doesn’t start dating someone. I can do that and her anytime that she asks. That part of our relationship always works, but we just don’t have conflict resolution skills.
And I’ve stopped playing reindeer games
So, when she ignores my calls, it’s because I have a ludicrous, inflexible schedule, right? When she screams at me about all my shortcomings when I’m just trying to see when I can drop off food for her during her recovery, it’s probably because of how selfish I am, right? I can’t believe her. She contacted a couple times during my dinner for my supervisee and I texted “You too! Goodnight” when I got home. She is the queen of explanations points because she’s always mad, so I am rather taken with them now. So, this morning I emailed for her to reply back if she was available and wanted to talk–as emails make less noise when her son’s away–but BIG SHOCKER, she has not responded.
At least when she acts this way, I don’t miss her even a little. Plus, I haven’t seen her in a month and she isn’t jumping on counseling or have I asked her any questions, so I could really give two shits if we talk today or tomorrow. What I will do is when she’s at work, is drop off some food. Now, I get why her ex-partner leaves toys and stuff for her son on the porch. Makes sense to me now, because when she says that she would like to come drop stuff by, I am sure that my ex has excuses for why that doesn’t work and then blames it on her rigid schedule.
Again, to summarize: 1) I have been in an eleven-year relationship and never had any similar complaints, 2) I am nurturing and do the right thing, and 3) you really know someone in a year, and with these many issues, it would take lots of time, space, and therapy to resolve them. So, I’m doing the latter two. That’s what I do anyway. I’m also patient and never try to control outcomes. I hope that she has a wonderful weekend.
And I want to see you
So, she wants me to meet her for a drink, and I can’t. I have to meet with my supervisor for an hour and a half and then after that, I need to lift weights for my own mental health. Plus, the woman who I supervise has had a pretty tough year so far, so her other supervisor who helps her work with young children and I are taking her out tonight. I told my ex that I could meet her, but it would be really late and then she asked when my evening plans are done and I told her that I don’t really have an end time on dinner, but that we want to support our intern because it has been a tough, tough quarter for her. And for me, as I don’t remember ever a year starting off like this for families who have kids in school.
I don’t understand why she has to contact me all of the time. Can’t we lay low and then I’ll drop some food off for her before her surgery? That seems most normal to me as we are not dating. The only time that she didn’t contact me much at all was in between Memorial Day and the time that I saw her after the Fourth of July. The reason that she didn’t stay in touch with me is because I had asked her if we could go to counseling and she didn’t have the guts to say, “No,” until she saw me and then she wanted to make me want her and presented like a corpse so I don’t want that. She had followed up in an email saying that she had been looking at me the whole time–at that point, we hadn’t seen each other in six weeks–and that she was just scared. However, our subsequent date she was edgy. She doesn’t seem often to be in a very good mood when she sees me and that makes a friendship impossible. She’s moody. I’ve been with moody, and I don’t like it.
Because I don’t want to rush around or go somewhere late at night and then drive all the way home, I just think it best if she really does want to meet with me for a drink that we do that next Friday. That’s fine. I hope that she is acting nice. I also hope that she gets that I don’t want her advice. My friends don’t give me unsolicited advice. I have certainly asked for advice about her when we were dating, but they don’t tell me all the time what I should do. That’s a hot button for me, because I’m an adult and conduct my life well. Things that I know that I should do differently, I am starting to do, and it’s because I want things to feel more streamlined and easy on the home front. So, we shall see if she presents kind, if we can laugh, and if she does not give advice to me. If not, we can try again later. I do want us to be amiable. That’s important to me.
Not spinning
I should take another spin class though… Food for thought. She pissed me off today by being the queen of unsolicited advice. God Lady, you are totally sexy, but check your control issues and remind yourself that I didn’t ask you or do I have the same view of the world. I do believe that love is what matters. I don’t believe that most people are simply liars. I don’t worry about the way people say things all the time or do I make myself crazy thinking about hidden motivations. Everyone does the best with what they have. Wow. I also would not ever send her a picture of her ex. She did that last night with the woman with whom I had my coming out affair five-years ago, and I responded innocuously. It was a good reminder that I need to be careful who I date next. And I will.
The thing is that when you’re not dating, you can very simply, disengage. So, I did. I said, “Have a good night.” And I don’t have to text or follow up about anything. She can still tell me how selfish and unaccountable I am and tell me the way that I need to be with friends and next loves, but I have never heard anything like these statements from anyone but her so I’m not owning it. I will, however, synch her iPod and take her food before she goes into surgery. And that’s it. What will be will be and I will not as she always puts it “spin out.” I’m settled and getting grounded.
Steadfast
I used to say religiously, “I’m not taking her back,” and that level of black and white doesn’t even sound like me. Now, I say, “Your actions confuse me.” I don’t get why she texts at night before she goes into her work week at night. She knows that I won’t just engage and be super friendly. I will answer direct questions, but I am not going to be chatty and exchange details with someone who I have dated for ten-months total, and that I didn’t know over a year ago. I have tons of friends to talk about the hell that I had with my son this weekend and the fact that most of it was fragmented and he played so rough with his best friend last night that he hurt him. I talk to my FRIENDS about that. Plus, I’m not into superficiality, but rather connection. I had a huge dinner on Saturday with a friend who I have had a friendship with since 5th grade at one of my colleague’s houses with whom I have just gotten closer, and closer over the last 11-years. I have connections with friends.
I would not say that I don’t need her. Because she is the only one who I can imagine kissing. It is interesting to me that when I kissed for the first time the girl from summer it wasn’t even nice. She is not a good kisser. It had been awhile since I had been with a girl who didn’t kiss well. Like over three-years, and I was surprised that I even went further. I was just lonely. That’s the huge contrast currently. I’m not lonely. I just think that my ex is afraid of taking a step with me for a variety of reasons, but it does translate to me that I’m not worth it to her in that realm. However, someday we will likely be quite amiable.
I told her that I won’t text unless I have to tell her something about my son or if something would happen let’s say to my parents. Otherwise, I will drop off a lot of food and visit her a couple of days before her surgery so I can synch her iPod. I love a playlist that I made that is the namesake of one of my current blogging categories. “I’m not the one to try to tell you lies, but the truth is that you’ve been hiding from it too,” are incredible lyrics as are many from the other 14 songs that I put on there. Instead of speaking through the subterfuge of lyrics solely, I will also make a playlist of about 30 triumphant songs too so she has something to listen to while recovering. I don’t think that I wrote that I was exactly right, and that is that she tore some of her muscles in the area where they took her son out when she had him. I knew that she didn’t have cancer. When you’re in love with someone and intimate with them, you just would know if he or she was sick.
I remember this summer a rather innocuous conversation that we had and it was nice. I remember realizing that you probably can be friends with an ex, and I do believe that. My friend and colleague who I cooked with this weekend said, “No you can’t! You are in love with her and that won’t work!” I told her in a few years I’ll be able to be her friend. Again, she lives so far away from me that it won’t be close, I am sure, but what would honestly crush me is seeing her out by chance and have her be completely cold. She is good at that too, so I’d rather just build some amiability. I think that in my heart, I know that she really fears going to counseling with me and a woman like me presents real challenges for her. When she withdraws, I’d really rather just know where she is at, so I can hold her tight, but like another Cameron Crowe line she is “not built that way,” so I really will just hold out. I will not just sleep with some girl to numb this pain, because that is not what I’m looking for either.
I want to find someone
- Sexy
- Funny
- Smart
- Who I see and just feel a chemical hit
- Who truly wants to completely connect to me
Bad Day
Although really not that bad of a day yesterday, it was definitely not my favorite. And my son didn’t get much sleep so he was a holy terror. Cancellation of my friend’s son coming to dinner made him cry, so he tried to play with one of my best friend’s daughters, but they are very different, so I think last night he was a little bored. He also was in a very strange mood during the cookie decorating with his godmother and his “cousins,” so it was just an off day. We have those.
I went to bed at a decent hour and even did 20-minutes of cardio this morning. I explained to my son that tomorrow would be the only practice that I would miss of his because I need to get back on my weight lifting and he understood this morning saying, “Well, it’s not like you’d miss a game!” He gets it. He is a pretty cool kid. Now, I’m drinking coffee and reflecting.
I get that conflict is inevitable, but I don’t want to fight dirty. Name calling and bringing up old resentments that you never get over should not typify your fights though. Should we ever go to counseling, I’d like to start there. However, I must note that I have spent three-years kinda like this, because I’m sure that folks know that drunks fight just like that too. I just don’t want that in my love relationship.
I want someone who treats me well and when I aggravate her, she and I take space and then talk about it. I would prefer to know how long that space is, because in my last relationship it just seemed indefinite, and then I’d be waiting around and getting nervous and when I’d engage her in conversation she would either snap at me or attack. It sucked. I don’t want that again. I had read once in a marriage and family textbook that couples who fight well can do the long haul, so that’s what I want the next time around. I want to resolve conflicts. I will look through my old entries that I have kept since 2009 and see if that is normal for me. Have I always wanted to resolve conflicts well?
Right now in addition to really pounding homework, I need to work in counseling on what I should address and that is my need to manage feelings of rejection. I don’t know how long the haul will be, because I feel pretty sane. I’m not in the imbalanced dance that I was five-years ago even remotely. However, I am on the track of self-improvement, so I would like to work on what came up for me this time around so I can go into my next venture, or go to counseling with my ex with an idea of what will help me move forward.
Never settling
I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be. Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast. What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight. And God, does she fight mean. It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated. She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?” Nope.
It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain. Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed. I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad. I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance. I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it. That is my stuff though. I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner. I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.
In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed. I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision. The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb. Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song. I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done. Might as well keep doing it.” The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build. You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain. With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much. It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”
Now, I want to be alone. I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete. Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone. The first time was when I was 14. The second time was when I was 23. The next time was when I was 33. Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain. There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”
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