Tag Archives: Relationships

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Weekender

We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

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Control

I think that I get what I can and can’t control.  You can’t control the way that someone treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and sometimes your reaction is, “I can’t hang out with you,” and that is what I have chosen.  It may be that at the end of February, that my ex and I do go to that show together, but that works well for me and I can even get a cab there if I want because the venue is a very short distance from my house.  (I do really love where I live.)  However, I can say with complete confidence that I won’t be going up there for any reason other than a complete emergency.

It is really wonderful that since I told my ex that I couldn’t even approximate dating because of the way that I feel afterward, she has really not said boo.  She won’t this time, and I can tell, because I may not know her well, but I know exactly how she treats people.  She may not even e-mail at the end of next month, so in that case, I will need to think of someone who should come with me. It really should be my friend who now lives in CA, but she is in an aggressive school program.  I’ll think of someone.

Ultimately, she couldn’t control anything about me.  Certainly she did aggressive and passive aggressive things to me, but those won’t happen anymore either.  It was funny that she always told me that I wasn’t accountable, but I kept wanting to talk to her on the phone since the last time that I saw her and after my asking her three times when a good night was, but wouldn’t even say that she was too busy, but simply wouldn’t answer that question.  I used to think that this stuff was gamey, but it was really just another method of controlling the situation.

I have all the hindsight that I need.  Ever since she started her monthly break-ups, I have written.  Each month I would try to make changes, but mostly what she wanted to change was something that I couldn’t and it was one e-mail that I sent (out of over 40) that she didn’t like because she said it sounded casual.  That is so bizarre.  Then what she did even after she wouldn’t talk about the e-mail in particular is throw up roadblocks.  All of these left me feeling like I was being treated casually.

We never dealt with any issues or talked anything through.  I don’t think that she can either.  She can communicate anger really well, but can’t own when she is upset or work through anything which results in compromise.  I watched her do this dance all the time with work situations, and it’s interesting that there are also people with whom she was extremely close in a personal realm who no longer speak to her.  She can communicate clearly boundaries, and anger, but working through hard things with someone is NOT something that I ever witnessed her being able to do.  Again, it’s her way or there is a punishing that ensues and does not cease.  I would never want to be with her again even if she said that she would really go to counseling.  I’m done.

It is so good to have all of this silence.  And she doesn’t get into touch at all anymore, and somehow, I just know that she won’t.  I can’t control her reaction to me if she runs into me by chance, but I can control my pleasant smile that I will give.  I’m still so glad that I loved that deeply; although, there was nothing in that experience that I could control.  That is the thing that I have yielded from this part of my journey.  I can love fully without any guarantees.

 

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Wholehearted

There is a social work professor who gives some of those Ted talks in addition to seminars and the like, and although I do have her book, I have not begun reading it yet, but I plan to as she talks about living with true courage and the belief that we are truly worthy of love and belonging.  Being somewhat skeptical naturally, I tend toward thinking that just reading those words sounds much like Stuart Smalley, with the assertion that “I’m smart enough.  I’m good enough, and dammit people like me!”  However, she does not sound cheesy at all, and she boldly talks about her own journey to understand connection and vulnerability.  This seeking is exactly where I am on this leg of my journey.

I was utterly and nakedly vulnerable in my last relationship.  I exposed my whole heart and loved fully, which turned out to hurt a lot, but does not leave me feeling hollow now.  The reason being that I changed as a result of loving completely and fully and I worked harder for her than I ever have in any relationship and it was less than one year.  I’ve had much longer term relationships; although, admittedly I have not in the last five years.  But, I know that time doesn’t actually matter.  Even though it does take an entire year to get to know a woman, it is possible to have all of your passions completely ignited, which if you are connected to her can lead to significant intimacy.  That didn’t freak me out in the least, but it did her, so we really never had a commitment or did we courageously say that we are building a future.

I realized yesterday after our friends left, that control and also keeping me at arm’s length was a way of never being vulnerable and led to her feeling comfortable in our situation.  I’m still unsure if I completely understand the negative commenting and insensitivity, but I do know that because I am good to myself every single day that leads me to being a whole and kind person.

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Kindness

It’s not hard for me.  Naturally good to other people is something that I get a lot of joy from because I like to see people laughing and enjoying.  I think that I’ll have a dinner party and invite three couples.  I can’t think of any way to meet good girls except through people.  It’s kinda like a sprawling connection thing too, because when you have folks over at your house, you can create new energy, and when they are happy couples, it’s actually good energy.  That’s what I think has been eluding me tbh too.

Because I think that in my last two relationships, I was with girls who really aren’t in good moods most of the time.  One is just dark and has not dealt with her trauma, and the other one is so obsessed with appearance (being in sales) that she feigns happiness all the time and outside of her son, there is no one good enough for her to be happy around.  Sounds like the latter behavior is masking some stuff, but I don’t need to dwell there because we are not together, and will won’t be in the future.

I’m going to cultivate energy that is not only positive, but is full of love.  I’d rather be around happy people.  I’d rather find a happy girl or at least one who is willing to own emotion rather than run from it or allow it to seep out in a displaced fashion.  The same anthropologist’s talk who I referenced earlier in the week said that we are not designed to be happy.  I do think that we have ranges of emotions, but I’d rather be positive with things or at least moving forward.

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The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

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New feelings

I didn’t feel like I do now after my coming out affair ended, and I definitely didn’t feel this way after I ended it with the drunk.  Then I was ecstatic, which wasn’t all that good because I started communicating with my ex pretty close to right afterward.  I need some down time to just reflect on what I want before I date again.  I didn’t do that last time around, which is why they were both controllers, addicts in their own ways, and not communicative.

I need to be outside.  I need to laugh like I did tonight.  I need stimulation and connection like I had over coffee.  I need to be attracted to a girl and for her to find me attractive too, so we can have that chemical hit when we connect.  I learned today while reading some research that when you get away, vary your routine, or add a lot of laughs and ease that you can have sex like you did in your first year within your ltr.  That gives me hope.  Also hopeful is that I have some new friends who deeply love each other and have been in an ltr for years.  I want that.  I don’t like the fade.

I also don’t like feeling sad.  It’s finally completely over, and I know it.  It’s different this time and we probably won’t see each other for a really long time.  The latter is ok because then I’m hoping that her rage toward me has subsided somewhat.

I’m culpable only for not wanting to put up with ill treatment, but she’s not used to anyone challenging her or even disagreeing with her.  I’ve watched her say, “He is pissing me off calling all the time.  I think that he just needs me more than I do him,” about her best friend, and I have seen her have periods of silence with her manager wherein it just has to blow over because she does not budge or try to talk through work conflicts.  That’s what she’s used to.  In fact, I recall when we were working in a couple’s book that she had never been broken up with ever anyway.  And I didn’t really break up with her, because she started this dance over a year ago and I just buckled and started agreeing with her after three-months of break-ups.

Being pushed away just is deadly.  I was so demoralized for so long and really wondering why I was such a bad person?  I do think that you can be mismatched with someone, but really I do think that some people just naturally find faults.  I don’t want that because I really have a belief that everyone is doing the very best that she or he can with what they’ve got.  That belief includes me, because I always try the very best that I’m able.

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I have a day completely off tomorrow

I should probably take my dog on a long hike again on Saturday.  I need to think and she needs to run and get crazy.  Although I should have never let her off-leash, it was beautiful on Christmas Day.  With an entire day off, I should spend some of it at higher elevations.

It’s weird to spend as much time as I did second guessing myself.  I like to think that I’m “over” my childhood, but I obviously am not if I’d let a woman treat me like shit because she had a bad year.  I’m very sorry that my ex lost her father and that does the single parenting thing with a toddler.  I started the latter when he was 21-months old, and it is really rare–happens once or twice a year–for him to be away more than two days and that only is twice a month.

I have had my thoughts and have done some soul searching stuff. She deserves to find someone who can tolerate her moods.  And I do think that it is possible that when she meets her future partner, she will just be less critical of her.  Even with reflecting, it is not ok to say the things that she does to me even though she is grieving and has a tough road.  That’s displacement, and I want a partner who can say when she is angry or hurting instead of attacking.

I have a business meeting and then I have supervision over lunch today.  Afterward, I need to motor at home to get it straightened completely.  A friend from high school is in town tonight so I’ll go out for a little bit.  I was out a little last night as well because my friend needed my support given her husband’s health.  He has had one surgery and will probably need chemo.

I want to meet my next girlfriend through connections or activities if possible.  I’m really an avid hiker and don’t bike too much when it’s this cold.  The first day it is 50 and it falls on one of my weekends, I will bike to one of the reservoirs, but for right now, I’ll do my stationary one.  I still try to lift 3-times a week too, so I know that I have some good habits to take me through the Winter.

I loved her so deeply.  We had that passionate, animalistic love in addition to that connection thing that keeps convo going and interesting, but we never really had a commitment.  She had one foot out and the other one merely tested the waters.  I’m not looking for a life commitment within a year, but I’m not looking for a rollercoaster ride either.  Life is like that anyway, so you don’t want your relationship to be part of the lurching and scariness, but rather you want the belt to ground you.  I’m going to take time and seek something good.

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Some things are not ok

When I first started out working with children and families, I saw this sign and it said, “It’s ok to be mad, it is not ok to be mean.”  And that is really true.  I will be the first to admit that I often lose it when I ask my son an inordinate amount of times to cease snotty tones, backtalk, or task refusal, but when I am dealing with a lot of things, I don’t ignore it, I talk about it.  I certainly don’t say passive-aggressive or degrading things to the woman who I’m sleeping with.

The drunk used to lose her temper and always apologized.  Now, when she was loaded, she never remembered stuff that she did, but when I was getting ready to fly back and she was edgy and sad, she would get pissy and short.  The thing is that she always apologized and nine times out of ten, and she usually said that the reason was because we were so far apart and she knew that I was leaving.

My ex gets remote when I leave her house, but the thing is when stuff goes badly for her, she will not talk about it at all.  I try and try to get her to talk, but to no avail.  Last weekend, I just held her tight because I knew that she wouldn’t talk.  So, what things did she talk about when her defenses were down?  All her ex’s good qualities, and then she told me that I was acting like a dog, that I looked a certain way that she does not find attractive, and that I was unproductive.  It’s so transparent too.  I had a car accident and I am divorced completely and my properties are divided, so with that pain, I will attack the person in my bed.  WTF?  She says that I bail when things get tough.  The more accurate response is that when things get tough, she won’t talk about it, but she will criticize and be passive aggressive.

It’s ok to be sad, mad, or scared, but it is not ok when you are not wired in a way that you are able to talk about it to criticize another and say hurtful things.  I am so done.  I have actually never been this done with another human being.  We can be friends and joke around on occasion, but the girl that I’m looking for talks to me when things are scary, new, or sad.

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Deep inside a shadow

I’m getting ready.  I figured some things out and I feel like this new shift that all of us are supposed to have is happening for me as well.  It’s like emergence.  As there are no coincidences, it is fitting that I had the worse part of a mild flu last night and ran a high, shaking fever.

Everyone has patterns.  So does my ex.  She tends to be a grass is always greener kind of person, and that is where she and drunk are the same.  What she does is she is with someone and misses stuff about her most recent ex.  She used to miss sex with her ex who she had raised her other children with, and last Friday night she told me how she missed her most recent ex (besides me) because of the way she smelled and was such a woman in terms of having candles lit when she got home, etc.  I felt like saying, “Sorry it was always just dinner when we were together,” but instead when she was going on and on about her, I said, “Candles lit, looked beautiful, and dinner made?”  She said no that I was the only woman who ever cooked for her.  But, because she is now in her pattern of missing her ex, she remembers all the good qualities that I don’t have.  I can tell you that I’d rather have great, passionate sex!

The drunk was not exclusive with me until she moved six states away.  That is grass is always greener for her too.  She missed me and realized that she was in love with me when she and I went away to NM together for a weekend, but she was moving to the east coast in a month, so it was bad timing.  She didn’t tell me that she loved me either until I had flown to see her once, and she had just made love to me after she had come for a trip and visit.  At that point, the drunk had flown to visit my son and I about a month after I had visited her back east, and then she professed her love after we had a our first night together.  Although, I did love her, I was never in love with her.  I was slowly realizing that she had a problem with alcohol; honestly she loved the bottle way more than my son for sure.  And I was a distant third.

My ex loves money.  She says all the time that she is not materialistic, but she is.  She hoards material things because she fears an early death and her beautiful little boy being without as she was.  That I do get.  I don’t want my son to feel poor.  I work around the clock because of that issue of mine too.  She and I both had periods in our childhoods with periods of significant poverty.  My son has never known eating shitty food or living somewhere unsavory.  Her son will never know these things either.  So, in that way, we are driven by the same fear.

Grass is always greener and driven by desire for more.  Me?  I just want to find a sexy, bright woman who wants a resolution with me because she knows that I’m worth it.  I’m the one that she wants to build a future with and doesn’t make her feel any longing.  I’ll know when I meet her, and want to start off with let’s figure out what we both do in conflict and talk about it while we honeymoon.  She and I can figure it out…  Together.

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It’s probably always been a no brainer

I was shocked to hear her say that she would co-parent with her ex if she divorced the man and moved back.  It’s so bizarre, but the thing is that it would work for her.  I don’t want to co-parent with another person, but rather desire to live with a woman who builds a household with me.  I just think that she and I just want different things.  Saturday will come and go with no visit from her and her son, and then I will just meet her halfway or something to wish her well the following week.  We can have coffee or a drink and some laughs.  I don’t want to spend the night with someone who is nasty and says shitty things.

I haven’t met anyone who really turns my head and ignites my passions.  It’s funny because those two girls from summer–one date a piece–are obviously interested.  One keeps up contact and the other mentioned me in a comment and is now hosting a Happy Hour.  Neither do it for me at all, so that’s why I know that I have not met a girl with whom I’d like to see if we have that thing.  I am still embarrassed about my sprite-like FB from summer, who was basically a liar, but that was all just part of my journey.

What I have come to is pretty simple.  She is not who I was looking for, and although I did fall madly in love with her, and we talked futures, “our” path never involved her giving anything but just having some space for us.  Meaning that we leave our life in the city and move to a redneck, meth-stricken, semi-rural area and fit into her existing life.  When I started wondering about that, because it was something that she wasn’t controlling, we began our dance of push and pull, which was almost a year ago now.  I just need to bow out of this aspect.  We can be friends and I don’t need to sleep with her.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t need to be contrasted with a woman who moved to get over you and married a man in her mid-40s, or do I need any slights made about my appearance or method of responding to her.  I’m good.

I have never wanted this type of relationship.  I don’t want what my parents have which is rancor in a nearly 40-year commitment.  I’m looking for mutual respect and love.

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Must recall

I was just thinking how “selfish, negative, and creepy” has now been reduced to “not productive,” and the clear contrasts with an ex and some slights about appearance.  I think that I like the former failings better because they are overtly aggressive and not passively aggressive, and again, like I said in October when we had sex outside of the context of relationship, “I couldn’t see having a lifetime of that.”  I still can’t.

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Gotta stick to it

What a weird weekend.  I was so, so, sad too.  I even cried hard on Saturday and was a little teary yesterday as well.  I have  a first grader so the news was just too much for me.  Anyway, I think that is why somethings that she said, and did, kinda hit me in waves and I have decided now that some manner of friendship is what is appropriate with a woman like her.  What she usually does is begins with our contrasts and she told me that I’m not very productive, and that’s not true, so I’m not even giving that much thought.

It started when I confronted her about what I have been feeling, and that is that she is being pursued by someone.  It’s her ex that married the man and moved away, and she said that if she divorces him and moves closer she can be a good parent to her son.  That is bizarre, because she is supposed to be mentally ill and all that, and I would want a helluva  lot more from a second mother to my own son, but what the hell do I know?  She went on and on too about the way that she smelled, how she would have candles lit, and how their lifestyles went together.  So, just reconcile with her, ok?

When she gets physical, it is seemingly out of nowhere and I can’t read it, and I don’t really initiate because that has caused us problems and then she made fun of me when I was shocked.  She also mocked the way I look with my hair up.  She is too conflicted.  I really did the right thing by breaking up with her at the end of September.  I should try to avoid sex with her when the calendar changes to a New Year too, and I think that I can very easily.

I like my improvements in physical fitness that I’ve made and will probably ask her for some advice.  I like some of the domestic things that I have adopted from being with her.  Ultimately, I want to be treated really well and loved for who I am.

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Maxed

You reach a point where you know it won’t work–that is right now–but you want her to be with you because she feels so good next to you.  I couldn’t believe that when she was finally completely done with her ex, that she had a car accident.  Even more incredible is that she still spent the night with me under those circumstances.  I think that she has done some damage to her back, and I’m worried about her in general, but I really can’t wait for her life to calm down some (which probably won’t be until April) so we can investigate.  Now that she is finally financially separated from her ex-partner, she reminisced about her most recent partner and I think is grieving her.  If she wasn’t married to a man, I think that they would still hook up; although my ex never wanted to marry her.  I think that I will invite her down next weekend, and she if she’s willing to come to me, because I want to see what it’s like to have her here on my territory.  I loved laying next to her last night.

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Auspiciousness

Today is supposed to have all kinds of luck surrounding it because it’s the last day that any of us will have that is three of the same numbers.  I was in Chichen Itza in November of 2010 with my ex (the drunk) and scholars showed us the Mayan calendar and then explained how it ran out–solely in terms of record-keeping–at the end of the year in 2012.  We also saw how all parts of the calendar were in 10s.  It was interesting.

I have had some really anxious kids, and I’m assuming that their families are also feeling stressed because the world is apparently ending today according to some extreme Christians.  I will work with two families this evening and support those systems as best as I can.  People are really overwhelmed and it is difficult to not take some of the stress on, so last night, I asked my son if he wanted to ditch his class and hang out and he completely agreed.  I may drop him down to only one dance class and guitar anyway, because I don’t think that he is learning much in his vocal class.  We ate, we read, we drew and then I did two sets with my colleague that was all that I had left in me, so I went to bed.

Historically, although I was born in an even year, odd years have held more fortune for me.  I already have some promise of things to come in 2013, because my Pastor approached me on Sunday and asked me to preach–likely in July.  We talked about it, and I’m excited.  I have to finish my practicum and dissertation next year too.

I wonder if I will want to officially get back with my ex?  I might if she really could learn to fight respectfully.  People who say that they never fight with their spouses and the like are liars.  Conflict is truly inevitable, but comfortably resolving things is an art, which also involves a chemistry between two people.  She and I did the old attack and avoid pattern, which I know can lead to resentment.  Which is why the Friday before the last time that I had sex with her I unloaded on her.  Why should I avoid anymore?  And also, why should I just take her bullshit?  It turned out that I didn’t hear her correctly, but since we are not dating, I just apologized and then chatted a bit.  A few hours later I wanted her, so I drove up there late that night and it was nice.

I believe in synchronicity and the lack of coincidence and that circumstances reveal themselves to you on your journey and will continue to do so in slightly different ways until you face them and move through them.  I have not moved through a relationship like this though.  There are only two that have ever had any hold on me, and both of them are still people with whom I have contact because of their lasting impacts on my journey.  In college, I had the healthiest relationship that I have ever had, because the girl was very healthy.  Unfortunately, I was not well and just moving through some of my past, so I was not always nice to her.  I have apologized several times and reminisced about good memories with her.  My ex-husband and I do some co-parenting, so I do have a relationship with him as well.  It seems to me that my ex, is not all that much of an ex, so we shall see what fortune brings with her in the next several months.

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The thrill is gone

I have had a very longterm relationship, and another one that was around three-years or so.  The latter was with a girl, and that was easier for me to navigate because I could still muster passion for her.  With my ex-husband, we became barely connected partners, and I don’t want anything like that in the future.

I’m being punished for not going to her party.  So, if we aren’t dating and we have sex like a PRN, and we are definitely NOT friends, why should I go to your party?!?  Today, she e-mailed that I was invited to it and wasn’t there.  No shit, Sherlock.  “This is…  My ex-girlfriend?  An FB who I love, but can’t get my shit together with?”  WTF?

We shall see if next Friday passes with no hook-up.  I can’t hustle anymore.  I just can’t.

I don’t know if when she is like this if that will even last.  We don’t run into each other at all, and honestly I just want to be amiable when we do.  I don’t know if even after she has moved through Christmas without her father if she will be any different with respect to me.  I think for right now, I’m just going to bow out with no contact and see if we can hook-up next weekend.  She asked for pictures of our tree–it is going up tomorrow.

I’m not one of those people who cares if I have a girl at Christmas or on New Year’s.  That’s not my thing, because it’s contrived.  I’m a lot of things, but I’m real, and without passion, I don’t dwell.  I’m looking forward to buying a little tree tomorrow and decorating it with my son, and I’m also looking forward to the Nutcracker with him on Saturday.  I think that I’ll also take him out for sushi.

I have been working like crazy.  I did Monday – Wednesday night, but managed to meet a colleague on Tuesday for weights, but tonight I’m really looking forward to connecting with my son.  I think that I’ll cook a favorite meal for him too.  He’ll have to tag along and play air hockey and foosball tonight while my colleague and I lift.  I can take Sat off from working out because I have to babysit, go to a six-year-old’s bday party and then we have our ballet.  That seems good.

Thrills are not something that I seek.  I don’t like neutrality though.  I have this mug and it says, “would rather be alone than taken casually,” and I think that sums up who I am pretty well.  I like my own company quite well and have tons of friends.  I will be interesting to see how the next five weeks go by and develop.

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Journeys

She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.”  She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd.  What’s my alternative?  I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on.  She also said that she was thinking of me.

So, tag you’re it, right?  My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous.  I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her.  That’s true too.  I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.”  I do.

I do not feel remotely safe with her though.  That is why I won’t date her.  There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either.  Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.

The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her.  I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years.  I am usually controlled with respect to anger.  I’m a processor.  I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.”  I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.”  And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you.  We can talk another time.  Let’s just hang up for tonight.”  She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money.  It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.

That’s not vulnerable though.  That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even.  I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean.  I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years.  She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.

I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way.  I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm.  I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.

As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list.  I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well.  But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school.  I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.

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Trust the process

I had a professor in grad school–well, the first time that I went to grad school in the late 90s–and she used to say, “Trust the process,” all of the time.  She meant that we should follow interviewing principles that are structured and let the format do the work.  I do agree that summarizing is important, but following it sequentially doesn’t work.  I was thinking about the process of being single.

You really have to trust that conventional wisdom says that most of us wind up with someone.  The thing is that right now, I don’t want to be with anyone.  I want to get things done and stay on track, and I don’t want to feel badly about not seeing some girl or needing to stay focused.  I distracted myself this summer with some young and immature girl, which resulted in my being behind as soon as July ended and I was done with my vacation.  I don’t want to be back in that shitty pattern because of the need for arms around me.

Before her surgery, my most recent ex had randomly sent me a picture of my ex who was my coming out affair last month when I wasn’t contacting her and I thought that it was really bizarre.  Who does that?  I have looked at the picture several times though after she sent it, because I have told some friends that she did so, and my friends always say, “She is really pretty.”  She is.  My heart would race and race and I was worried that I would have a health problem when I was to see her.  I would be practically dumping adrenaline making the three turns from the highway to get to her house.  That was definitely a process!  When I biked with a new friend in early October, I realized that my journey with her wouldn’t be over if I truly befriended this woman who I biked with, so I e-mailed my coming out affair.  It’s good to be amiable.

I have no idea what the future for my ex and I holds.  I know that now we will be amiable, but I also know that she wants a deep friendship, and I won’t give that.  I know that I said that I won’t drive, and then I did for $50, but I really won’t be back in dating land and have contact with an ex that is consistent.  That’s shitty.  I think too that because her former partner messes with her so directly, she is now realizing that she doesn’t want anyone to have her.  Her last relationship also results in lots of contact.  That’s not me.  I’m riding the wave of trusting that if we are ever meant to be together, life will aid it, and if we are not, I don’t want another close friend.  That’s my tried and true process.

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Craving

It’s interesting that it took me this long to get where I don’t have any angst whatsoever.  It was a long, long haul.  It seems like this last time around when we were together for about two-months it was a trial run for me, and I probably didn’t think it was going to work anyway.  I think that I just love having sex with her.  I’m kinda neutral on relationships in general at this juncture anyway.  They don’t seem to last.  Maybe I’m in a weird age bracket.  Who knows?

We can have sex two weeks from Friday or not.  I’m not holding my breath or will I ask for it.  I haven’t ever asked for it since my bday and she got pissed and left.  She accused me of keeping her up.  As I said in October, I’m permanently off that party bus.

I know her patterns with me anyway…  She contacts me when she misses me, wants to have sex, or feels like she needs to connect to me.  The way in which she does the latter isn’t the way anyone connects with me.  She’ll call with book titles or parenting tips.  I guess it’s an intro into a conversation, but it doesn’t facilitate one for me and frankly, isn’t the way that anyone talks to me.  I think that she is used to being the guru and the smarter one when it comes to her friends, so she gives advice or tips.  She should blog 🙂

Next spring, I’ll date again.  Right now, I can do sex with my ex or not.  I don’t have to reach out and don’t care if she does or not.  I have only known her 14-months and that’s no longevity for person like me that has had some friends for nearly thirty-years.  Additionally, I know that I will never be close with her.  That’s unfair to my next girlfriend, and is a very weird boundary for me.

I’m grateful to not be in the land of craving her, or wondering when she’ll contact me, or hoping that we will be together again.  If we are meant to get together next year, we will, but I know that we’d need counseling.  I wish her well this weekend at the big party she’s hosting.  I’m glad to chill at home and get some stuff done.  Most of all, I’m glad to not need to detox or deal with my likely former addiction to her.

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When you’ve got kids

She invited us to the pool and enticed me by saying we could work out, but we didn’t have enough time for the latter so I came home in an awful space and drank instead of eating.  Not healthy.  Won’t be doing that again.  My son wanted to see her, and he also wanted to see her little one who he hadn’t seen in probably at least five-months, and he has changed a lot.  Of course, the little one was all over me like he usually is, and that’s fine because I love him and my son was not jealous and she did stuff with mine in the pool too.  I don’t like enclosed water slides, but I was game, and did them several times anyway.

She is having all kinds of work done on her house.  I can’t afford mine in general, given what they have done with my salary and my health insurance and she is doing all kinds of elaborate stuff with hers.  That was a stark contrast.  It gave me all kinds of shitty emotions too, as did when she was introducing my son to her best friend’s son (The guy doing all the wood and sheet rock work.) and I overheard her say, “This is _______, and he is one of my best buddy’s sons.”  You wish.  I don’t do instant friend, and for gas money and some contributions toward my next oil change, I did you last weekend, so I’m not sure what you think of when you say, “one of my best buddies.”

My son had a blast, and we stayed way too long, and I couldn’t wait to get outta there.  However, when we finally did get home, I was only able to finish the cooking that I have done, so that these next three weeks will go off without a hitch.  I have a guy looking at my basement some time next week, and need to do serious cleaning and organizing, so I asked my son’s Dad to take him to his Voice class for me Tuesday night and I’ll work until I get everything done.  I need this renter.  Time to whip the house into shape.  We are not going to talk until next Sunday.  I’ll wish her goodnight and good morning and that’s it.  Hell, that has been it since April with the exception of August and September.

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Come and get me

Again, if she wants to have sex, she has to drive down here, and if that doesn’t work for her, we can go back to the land of whatever.  For now, I will text here and there because she called me this morning and said that she wants to date again when she is doing better.  We also reminisced about a funny time that we had last October, and then she said, “I miss you, ____.”  I told her, “I’m sorry,” and I really am.  Because what I miss is long, long gone as is that fun and carefree girl.  I don’t think that she left just because her Dad is gone, but rather she fell in love with me quickly (As I did with her.) and showed me her best face for three-months, and then she started her controlling and unattached stuff that she does.

We shall see.  Her journey is independent of mine and I don’t chase anyone.  I did enough leg work for her when she was my girlfriend.

I’m pretty sure that she knows that I don’t desire a friendship with her ever.  I would like us to be amiable, but right now, it’s not like that at all, as we still may have sex occasionally.  However, I need to be clear with her at some point that I won’t drive up there for sex again.  The barking dog incident (And this should not be confused with the psuedo-biographical account of the autistic teenager) cooked that for me, as I knew that I’d be blamed for her not sleeping.  I am not going to be a punching bag at all even if we do occasionally have intimacy.

So, I guess if she does ever want me again, she’ll have to chase me a little.  Otherwise, I will know that she’s just not that into me and I’m so fine single, that it’s not even funny.  I would love to co-parent with a woman, but I’ve learned in five-years how to solo fly with supports.

I had a good night.  I walked my dog and am chilling and going to hit the sack early.  My son doesn’t have school tomorrow, so I’m writing tonight (here) and he is with my parents.  We cooked tonight at a good friend’s house and her daughters and some of her friends came over and played a dance game on the Wii.  It was really fun and I loved being around typically developing teenagers, as I don’t work with any who fit that bill.  I have great friends.  I’m fine on my own, and open to whatever happens next.  I just won’t hustle for anyone right now, and need to keep focused on parenting and getting my schooling done.

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Lessons

My number is so paltry for being 38, but I think that because I told my psychologist last night that I’m not ready to date that exercises in before and after are probably good for me.  I don’t want to be part of the catch and release program anymore, so I am going to recall what I learned from every connection that I’ve had.  Sadly, some of these might be a reach, but I want to list what I learned:

  1. High school = try to avoid enabling
  2. College = if you make somebody cry frequently, you are not compatible
  3. Marriage = if you continue to enable someone, you have to step away
  4. Coming out affair = falling in love will make your heart race and consume your being
  5. Cowgirl = I really can’t do casual
  6. Musician = I won’t do push and pull
  7. Drunk = start your day and end your day with a snuggle and enjoy water anytime you can
  8. CEO = keep your body in the best shape possible, detail your day and plan your week so you are more able to enjoy time with your family, and be vulnerable
  9. FB = I am seeking integrity, mellow is good, but not when it borders selfishness and hedonism, and I want time spent with someone with whom I am intimate to matter

I can look at these and see a pattern that follows every other relationship.  That really could mean that the next girl who I sleep with could be one who I could fall in love with and give my heart to–I am certainly open to that possibility.  Again, that means that there are some definite things that I don’t want.  I don’t want to be controlled or give too much of my time or resources.  I also want to resolve conflicts.  In addition to smart and sexy, I am seeking stable and kind.

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Feet on the ground

One foot forward and moving toward is what I want.  I will value having my doctorate done and my head clearer.  I will get my proposal defended this year before it ends.

I’m given quite a bit of pause how I don’t care to pursue any girls at all and how they tend to annoy me or not be quite what I’m looking for in terms of dating.  I am not chasing anyone or I am making things work that won’t work past some sex or tolerating what are simply some incompatibilities.  Pink says, “I don’t believe in soul mates, happy endings or the one,” and I would have always tended to agree with that.  However, there were some unique and earth moving things that happened for three straight months last fall that also give me a great deal of pause.  Maybe those soul-level connections are not meant to last.

That is why I have come to wanting stability in addition to sexy and smart.  That works for me, because except for getting irritated, I think that I have both feet on the ground.  I’m just looking for space from my ex right now, and I think that if it comes to it, she would stop contacting me if I asked her to.  Right now doesn’t feel like the right time because it was just her father’s bday, she is recovering from complex surgery, and it’s now the holiday season.  If it gets too emotional for me, I’ll tell her to cease.  However, my line is firm about not driving up there.  That I won’t do.

My psychologist says, “Chop wood.  Carry water.”  For me, it’s last night trying to complete three sets, and giving up, drinking a beer and eating cheese puffs.  I felt sad and laid in my bed and was mindful about crunching.  I miss our old times, and know that they don’t exist anymore.  I told myself it has passed.  That made sleeping easier.  It’s what I’ve got right now.

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Not into her

It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me.  I can use some downtime.  I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want.  I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox.  I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now.  In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.

I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months.  I met her in June of 2009.  When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone.  It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things.  I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October.  Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year.  However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip.  I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f.  Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.”  I guess that happened with my ex too.

She started breaking up with me once a month since January.  I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September.  Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening.  And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months.  Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow.  Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.”  To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”

What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl.  I would like some time to elapse.  It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college.  She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together.  When do you really know someone?  It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex.  I just won’t.  However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer.  Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself.  People sure are weird.

The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it.  Also, right now she is dating some men.  Nope.  I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night.  She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.”  No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman.  Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.

Again, I have not met her yet…  I am looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable
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There is no perfect partner

I get accused of wanting perfection, but that’s not it at all.  I want a girl to want to be with me, and when we make a plan, which I look forward to more than most because my life is busy, I just want it to come to fruition.  I would like stable next time around.  I would also like consistent.  I’m more than willing to work on my issues of rejection so I can project a healthier and more whole me out into the universe.  I do believe that you get what you put out.  I have always been consistent.  I have never broken a date.

When I commuted in state (80-miles when it was roundtrip) and was still in two grad programs and doing night work for schools, I made a couple of snafus, as did I once this August when I couldn’t bike on Sunday because I had to read at church, but I would never change plans because I didn’t feel like it or I had some half-assed emotional response that I was unwilling to share.  That’s not me.

I have also been really good about accepting my role in conflicts.  I think what will be a stumbling block for me next spring will be that I need to be careful with casual and sending the wrong message.  I need to practice saying, “I like you.  Let’s just see each other when it makes sense, and not too frequently, because it’s really good to miss each other.  In terms of future, let’s see what develops.”  I can do that.  I’m not ready yet, but in a few months maybe, and then I will see HER.