Tag Archives: Truth

by

She does know me

She has been texting and HeyTelling me like crazy.  Finally, after I got done meeting with my other committee member for my dissertation, I just called her.  We talked easily and well and I fessed up that I have no desire to date or am I really attracted to any girls enough to hustle for them.  I said I’m going to screen print a shirt and it will say, “Yes, I know that I’m fun, but I really am not available to date,” and she followed it up with saying, “Just make a QR so that girls with Smartphones can scan you.”  That was hilarious.  Good one.  With her being so contemplative, she can’t attack.  It’s nice.  I do love her–especially when she is not moody and in her critical mode.  I think that she’s aware of this personality taint.

I also think that she’s cognizant that whenever I drop off food, it’s my last hurrah.  I wonder if she’ll date someone come January.  I think that she will.  I wonder if it will implode by April or if the girl will be much more accustomed to sucking things up and she can string her along for a few years, because she is incredible for a few weeks a month.  Who knows?  I wish her the best.  I really do.  She can be amazing, but when she is in a bad mood or pissed about little things that everyone does…  Watch out.  It’s horrendous.  I’m not going to write again until I do drop off some meals for her.

by

On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

by

Been on the run

I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships.  I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former.  Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year.  I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily.  I don’t want rancor.

I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman.  I loved being vulnerable.  I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her.  That made me realize the possible.  Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection.  I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day.  I also keep my body in tip top shape.  Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.

With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded.  I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her.  I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me.  I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.

I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker.  I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy.  I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher.  I just like her way.  I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush.  I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open.  I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion.  My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone.  I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love.  I know that I am.

by

Not the weird one

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything but that quintessential thunderbolt when I see this mystery girl.  That’s it.  Not about to chase anyone or am I begging for what I want to happen with my ex.

We had a glass of wine last night and I drove probably 40-miles round trip for 50-minutes.  I’m glad that next Thursday will be my last trip for some time.  However, if she would ask me for help, which she won’t, I would comply.  I think that she feels guilty that I’m dropping off food and synching her iPod, but that is the right thing to do and that is me.  I want her surgery to go well and for her to recover quickly.  I know that she will.  I then think that sometime in December, she will start dating.  That will be a very good experience for her too.

She was not a corpse.  She was open and fairly warm, but exhausted.  Her stress that she pretends is not there has caught up with her.  It will be a wonderful thing for her to not be able to move and be forced to just think and be.  I’m glad that she will have this time and believe that it will be helpful too.  I wasn’t remotely attracted to her though, but rather just felt compassion for what she is dealing with currently.  That approach made being across from the table from her quite comfortable for me too.

I had a situation visa vi my son blow up this week.  I had to put the “smack down” without him in attendance with his father.  My ex asked me last night about my parenting woes and I told her that I don’t want to talk about it.  She called me a compartmentalizer.  I don’t think that she gets that I’m just not willing to hear her judgmental bullshit given that we are not dating.  That in addition to her belief that I’m selfish, negative, and creepy will prevent me from ever being her friend.  However, I’m very glad that we can be amiable and share space if we have to, because I don’t want to live into this song:

 

EVERYONE gets these lyrics!  I like this video that is a queer take on the gr8 Gotye song.

by

And I’ve stopped playing reindeer games

So, when she ignores my calls, it’s because I have a ludicrous, inflexible schedule, right?  When she screams at me about all my shortcomings when I’m just trying to see when I can drop off food for her during her recovery, it’s probably because of how selfish I am, right?  I can’t believe her.  She contacted a couple times during my dinner for my supervisee and I texted “You too!  Goodnight” when I got home.  She is the queen of explanations points because she’s always mad, so I am rather taken with them now.  So, this morning I emailed for her to reply back if she was available and wanted to talk–as emails make less noise when her son’s away–but BIG SHOCKER, she has not responded.

At least when she acts this way, I don’t miss her even a little.  Plus, I haven’t seen her in a month and she isn’t jumping on counseling or have I asked her any questions, so I could really give two shits if we talk today or tomorrow.  What I will do is when she’s at work, is drop off some food.  Now, I get why her ex-partner leaves toys and stuff for her son on the porch.  Makes sense to me now, because when she says that she would like to come drop stuff by, I am sure that my ex has excuses for why that doesn’t work and then blames it on her rigid schedule.

Again, to summarize: 1) I have been in an eleven-year relationship and never had any similar complaints, 2) I am nurturing and do the right thing, and 3) you really know someone in a year, and with these many issues, it would take lots of time, space, and therapy to resolve them.  So, I’m doing the latter two.  That’s what I do anyway.  I’m also patient and never try to control outcomes.  I hope that she has a wonderful weekend.

by

Steadfast

I used to say religiously, “I’m not taking her back,” and that level of black and white doesn’t even sound like me.  Now, I say, “Your actions confuse me.”  I don’t get why she texts at night before she goes into her work week at night.  She knows that I won’t just engage and be super friendly.  I will answer direct questions, but I am not going to be chatty and exchange details with someone who I have dated for ten-months total, and that I didn’t know over a year ago.  I have tons of friends to talk about the hell that I had with my son this weekend and the fact that most of it was fragmented and he played so rough with his best friend last night that he hurt him.  I talk to my FRIENDS about that.  Plus, I’m not into superficiality, but rather connection.  I had a huge dinner on Saturday with a friend who I have had a friendship with since 5th grade at one of my colleague’s houses with whom I have just gotten closer, and closer over the last 11-years.  I have connections with friends.

I would not say that I don’t need her.  Because she is the only one who I can imagine kissing.  It is interesting to me that when I kissed for the first time the girl from summer it wasn’t even nice.  She is not a good kisser.  It had been awhile since I had been with a girl who didn’t kiss well.  Like over three-years, and I was surprised that I even went further.  I was just lonely.  That’s the huge contrast currently.  I’m not lonely.  I just think that my ex is afraid of taking a step with me for a variety of reasons, but it does translate to me that I’m not worth it to her in that realm.  However, someday we will likely be quite amiable.

I told her that I won’t text unless I have to tell her something about my son or if something would happen let’s say to my parents.  Otherwise, I will drop off a lot of food and visit her a couple of days before her surgery so I can synch her iPod.  I love a playlist that I made that is the namesake of one of my current blogging categories.  “I’m not the one to try to tell you lies, but the truth is that you’ve been hiding from it too,” are incredible lyrics as are many from the other 14 songs that I put on there.  Instead of speaking through the subterfuge of lyrics solely, I will also make a playlist of about 30 triumphant songs too so she has something to listen to while recovering.  I don’t think that I wrote that I was exactly right, and that is that she tore some of her muscles in the area where they took her son out when she had him.  I knew that she didn’t have cancer.  When you’re in love with someone and intimate with them, you just would know if he or she was sick.

I remember this summer a rather innocuous conversation that we had and it was nice.  I remember realizing that you probably can be friends with an ex, and I do believe that.  My friend and colleague who I cooked with this weekend said, “No you can’t!  You are in love with her and that won’t work!”  I told her in a few years I’ll be able to be her friend.  Again, she lives so far away from me that it won’t be close, I am sure, but what would honestly crush me is seeing her out by chance and have her be completely cold.  She is good at that too, so I’d rather just build some amiability.  I think that in my heart, I know that she really fears going to counseling with me and a woman like me presents real challenges for her.  When she withdraws, I’d really rather just know where she is at, so I can hold her tight, but like another Cameron Crowe line she is “not built that way,” so I really will just hold out.  I will not just sleep with some girl to numb this pain, because that is not what I’m looking for either.

I want to find someone

  1. Sexy
  2. Funny
  3. Smart
  4. Who I see and just feel a chemical hit
  5. Who truly wants to completely connect to me
by

Never settling

I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be.  Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast.  What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight.  And God, does she fight mean.  It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated.  She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?”  Nope.

It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain.  Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed.  I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad.  I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance.  I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it.  That is my stuff though.  I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner.  I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.

In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed.  I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision.  The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb.  Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song.  I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done.  Might as well keep doing it.”  The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build.  You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain.  With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much.  It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”

Now, I want to be alone.  I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete.  Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone.  The first time was when I was 14.  The second time was when I was 23.  The next time was when I was 33.  Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain.  There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”

 

by

My place

So, I went out with a friend last night, and I really wish in most ways that I had known that my best friend was hosting a karaoke night, because that is much more my speed, but I did get some insights from the friend with whom I spent last evening.  It really is great to have so many friends who work in mental health.  She told me that our relationship has the perpetual flavor of “I will leave you first.”  I can honestly say that I have never done that with a girl, so it is spurned by a super shitty dynamic that only she and I create.  I get that she has a control and abandonment flavor, but no matter how sexy she is, I must not take her back.  If I see her again and she has been sexually untoward, I must say, “I will definitely see you.  Here are the three names for psychologists and social workers that I have.  Phone screen them and tell me where to meet you or trust me and I will make the appointment.”  That has to be it.

Additionally, I know in the bottom of my heart that she is interested in the woman with whom I will have a playdate and probably a couple of others who actually live in her county.  I am intuitive, and she would not continue to ride my ass about “someone” if she didn’t have a woman closer than I who is a prospect.  I am not going to text–something that I’m good at–and I have changed my mind about sending a letter asking for counseling. She, of course, emailed yesterday, and I wrote that I would go to couples’ counseling with her in a heartbeat, but ironically there is not time.  And there isn’t!  Like I always say, “We are not aging in reverse!”

by

Self of Therapist

OK, it is finally D-day because someone who calls you a big baby when she hurts your feelings is not your partner…  So, I have to ask her why she went from it will be great to see you to, let’s play it by ear to, save gas and let’s see if we can work tomorrow out.

  • She told me that it was because she wanted free time with her son like I was currently having and that then when she heard that I’d be closer to her Sunday see if that could work out, but without me re-arranging

Translation:  I want to control whether or not you get to see me, and I’m much more interested in connecting with this other woman who you live to close to, because I was attracted to her initially, and want to know who you live by and possibly will spend time with at times.

I have to ask her lots of questions.

  • I, in fact, asked her few questions, and when she said, “I know who you’ll date next and I will send the name to you in an envelope,” I told her openly that I’m interested in the engineer and she LOST it.  I am honest, I don’t regret it, and although my interest is not sexual at this point, and I can acknowledge that I still am in love with my ex, I am intrigued by the engineer and very attracted to her stability.

When did she go from in just a short time I love you and your son and want to say move in here and enroll him at the local elementary?

  • I couldn’t ask her this questions, because she only sees that we trigger each other and continues not to acknowledge her back and forth with me.

How does she see our fights?

  • She doesn’t think that we fight all of the time even when I told her that it follows a monthly cycle.

Why do you pull away from me when things get intense or scary for you?

  • She said that she didn’t consciously this time when she had her health scare and if not talking and then changing plans last minute is not pulling away, then we don’t see emotional connection in the same way at all.

Why did she say that she couldn’t go to therapy after reflecting for six-weeks because she didn’t want anybody to poke around in her head?

  • I didn’t ask this question either, but if you have read any of the entries that I wrote from winter, I think that you know the answer, because I certainly do.  I also want to point out that it is snowing today, and so I get the whole cycle now.

Why does she continue to say what our friendship could look like if that’s not really what she was focusing on, because it felt like that is what she wanting?

  • I have that answer too.  Because she doesn’t want a friendship.  I have hateful texts and have been blocked from her social media and also from her cell phone, I am sure, because she told me that she was going so.

So, what have I learned?  I am capable of deep, connected love.  I like to keep in the tip top physical shape.  I give second, third, and many chances because I am adaptable.  I really had grieved our relationship toward the end of last spring.  I had gotten very intrigued by how different she had appeared in August and was quite hopeful, but that hope started to fade quickly when I realized that we would be back in our monthly cycle.  What is interesting to me is that when I blocked the drunk, it was because she threatened my life, and I am blocked because I threaten her heart.  It is too bad that we can’t be friends, but it is just as well that our relationship completely ended in a clean manner.

by

Never over

I let her have dinner with me two weeks ago.  I don’t know what this experience will ultimately entail, but I know that based on some interpersonal work that she is doing, that she is different.  I know too, that she wonders if she’s lost me or if I will suddenly starting dating someone.  She was funny and open, and that’s a side that I have not seen since last fall.  She is in there, but is scared that I will just decide to explore intimately one of the connections that I have with either of these girls.

The first girl is obscenely too young for me.  A ten-year age different also involves some stage of life disconnects that would impact a relationship significantly.  It is also obvious that she is mad at me for breaking our date last weekend, but I don’t have the bandwidth to see two girls at once.  She was somewhat remote yesterday and promised to call Sat, and did not, so I didn’t say when I approached her that I was back seeing my ex.  No reason to when after our date you didn’t contact me much.  I think that I got one text, so it was simple for me two weeks ago to say that I had too much going on and couldn’t keep our date.

The other girl is quite reserved and shy, so she won’t make a move and honestly, she would be a wonderful friend to me, and that should be where it stays.  I seek passion.  She gives me those non-hug hugs as well, so nothing will ever happen.  I kind of am an introvert collector, but it’s been much easier for me to date an extrovert.  I’d rather that she and I just spend time together to get a good friendship on track anyway, because my extremely social lifestyle would put her over the edge if we had a relationship.

I had to change some plans with my ex this past weekend and she came unhinged.  I reacted too much to it too.  I need to remember that she has not gone on a vacation in 8-years and that she works around the clock most weeks.  I don’t want to call her at work again, but will answer when I am able at my work.  Changing plans is not good, but I don’t come unhinged when they are changed.  I’m ultimately more flexible and patient though.

The appeal still is that last fall was gorgeous in every way, and that we have a deep emotional and physical connection.  She held me tight on Saturday night and told me that she was too spent to make love and told her that was fine.  She said, “Who is this?” I told her most of the truth, and that was that sex will usually happen if you have a strong connection and I noted that during our summer of separation.  Another factor is that for a minute this summer, I kinda dated a girl who would have shown up to do me any day of the week, and that left me empty.  I want my sexual activities to matter every time that I do it.  Yesterday morning we had a couple hours of wonderful contact that was some of the best that we have ever had.

I just want to hang out with her when it makes sense, less the intensity that ultimately feeds problems.  I don’t have to engage when she is angry about something that has only to do with me on the periphery.  I could date, but I don’t want to date.  It’s too much work unless someone is honest about being into you and has confidence and drive to meet you half-way.  I’d rather get the things done that I have to, and continue to work on a possibility for relationship with my ex.  It seems crazy, but deep, passionate love is crazy.

by

The Good Fight

What will I do if I still feel this way after next fall?  It has been so beastly hot as of late that I will just be glad for the season to turn, but honestly if she continues to hold so much weight over my heart, what will I do?  Nothing seems to help.  We were so damn happy last fall, and nothing compares to the way that I felt then or how much of myself I gave to her.  I’m not sure when or if those conditions could be met again.  I could do some low maintenance thing with a girl, but I probably could not give too much of myself and that is not fair.  The last girl who I dated was just too needy and thought that she was beyond reproach, but I wonder what would happen if I met a really incredible girl?  Would I even “see” her?  I’m incredulous.  I wish that there was some way for my ex and I to actually be together and enjoy each other without rancor.  I am still in love with her.

by

Cultivation

I am really hoping that this year I am able to get some distance between my heart and my ex.  It’s not that I ever contact her, because I just don’t.  I actually also wrote her a letter about where I am, as she has been incessantly contacting me and I’d prefer that it would abate.  She had told me to tell her when I move on because she told me that she only wanted to hear that from me.  Dating for a couple of weeks was a mere distraction, and in the letter that I wrote her, I told her that I had been distracting myself for a couple of weeks and stopped.  She knows me so very well and is a mature person, so she will understand the subtext, and I’m sure that it will piss her off to high hell.  However, I had to just see if this girl and I were compatible.  However after two weeks, she presents as clingy when her roommate is out of town, so I’m not sure if I can even fully tend to a friendship with her.  I think that she is just young.

My ex is not young.  We are exactly the same age.  Our birthdays are just three weeks apart, and being with her did not involve any explanations.  It was easy to talk and interact with her.  I just wish that she would have been less stressed so she would have treated me better, but I guess that is not in the cards for us.  I’m at this stage where I am vulnerable though, so I told her that I knew that she had contacted me and that I had not contacted her back until now, but it was because it’s just very hard for me to engage with her.  I just wish that we would have been able to work out the nuts and bolts of our relationship in counseling.  However, I suppose that she and I were not meant to be in a longterm relationship for some reason.  I would like to build one, but don’t want to sacrifice what I believe is treating others right and building a future or do I want to be with a dreamer who plays all day to escape dealing with real issues.

by

NOT who I’m looking for

I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl.  We need to go back to a friendship.  To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating.  Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development.  It’s too relationship-oriented for me too.  If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth.  But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex.  I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.

Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing.  I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her.  I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek.  Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.

by

Willpower

It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her.  I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it.  So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me.  It’s sad, because she does this…  She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact.  My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.

My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect.  Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel.  She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again.  There are some things that I must accept about her.  She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.

I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me.  She is sweet.  She is earnest.  She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me.  I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me.  I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking.  I still am looking for a compatible partner.

by

I have issues clearly

So, I took my son to my folks’ house during the lunch hour and met her for a impromptu date yesterday.  I fed her meter–actually I parked her car too, as she had trouble getting in the spot–bought her a couple beers and pizza and we went home to have sex.  It was nice, as was the conversation that we had, but then she suddenly looked at her watch and said, “I told [my roommate] that I’d be home at four, so I have to go, as much as I’d like to stay here and have sex all afternoon.”

I told her that she has to get home to someone who doesn’t give her what I do–which I had said in a smart aleck, in jest sort of way.  Then she said, “I have been in a relationship like that where I was told, ‘Oh, you can be an hour late.  You can be half-an-hour late,’ and I’m not going to do that anymore.  I like to tell whoever I’m meeting what time I will be home and do it.”  I said, “OK.”  I got up and got dressed.  That was not what I was saying, and I was joking, but I was pissed at the abruptness of her transition, and because she is so attached to her roommate I was really aggravated.  Also, I took my son elsewhere to do something nice for her, which I paid for, orchestrated, and was not implying that she needed to be late.  I was joking around.

As I was getting ready to leave my bedroom, I was seething, because she was comparing me to some girl who she was with for over three-years, and is probably 10 or more years my junior.  Then, the kicker was that it was 50-minutes until it was 4!  She lives 15-20 minutes away from me.  I told her the time and she said, “Oh, I looked at my watch wrong!”  I was infuriated.  Last night when we talked for a two-hours she said that I blew her looking at her watch incorrectly way out of proportion.  I told her that it seemed convenient, and she was insulted that I thought that she’d lie.  I told her that with the fervor that she started leaving, it seemed so dissimilar to the way in which she rolls.  I figured that she was going to go out, do whatever around girls, and wanted to get the hell out.

So, she is now aggravated at me for thinking that the watch was an excuse and that I want her to be with me all the time.  The latter is completely bizarre.  I have to admit that she triggered my ex-partner stuff.  Recall that my ex-partner was not exclusive with me, always slept with another girl, and “fell in love with me” when she had moved to the Southeast.  I do not want another fuck buddy again, and do want to be of value.  I guess that if you have as many relationships as I have had that you have what Missy Higgins sings about which is scars.

by

Growth

I got mad at her last night, and I’m not going to lie.  She told me all about what her housemate and she have decided about dating a mother, and I told her in addition to neither of them not being parents that they really don’t need to make me out to be a Springer episode.  And they don’t.  We aren’t doing family time, and the latter was only done with my ex because it was the first and only time that I fell head-over-heels in love and believed in a one.  Also, I loved, loved, loved her son, and really can’t click to her social media page because I don’t want to see him.  I loved him and I still do and probably wouldn’t have put up with her shit as much with no backlash had I not felt so connected to him.

Now, I want concerns to be dealt with right away, so I told her that she and I would be seeing each other every other weekend until we make some decisions.  This is dating at it’s purest form and that’s it.  Speculating about my abilities as a parent when your analogy is your str8 sister and your nephew and two nieces that you see about monthly is a poor one.  She knew that she crossed the line and I don’t want her and the woman who she lives who she addresses as “her wife” to make assumptions about me.  It’s judgmental.

I won’t be judged.  I won’t be defined.  I will slowly see what we are.  I will make some decisions after some time has elapsed.  I will communicate clearly and efficiently too when I’m triggered.  After it occurs, I will write about it, and put it away forever, because I wish that my ex could have done that just once with me.  I’m not going to make hash marks.  That is NOT me.

She called me back 5-minutes after we hung up and asked me to tell her a joke.  She said our conversation was odd, and I didn’t remind her to put herself in my shoes, but I did call her back several minutes after we hung up again, and told her one.  We will have fun tonight though…  I just know it.  I’m done with it, told her where my limit is, and I won’t even put energy out where she can talk about my son who she has seen twice.  I want us to discover what “we” are and that should be free of my kid.  That is where my ex and I got convoluted anyway.  No texts since Thursday from the latter, so I plan on enjoying this night to the hilt, and having some good, illicit sex as well.

by

Kindness

The friend who I have been sleeping with is so kind.  I can’t believe how conscientious she is about contact and staying connected to me.  We talked last night before bed and then texted some more.  I really hope that she will finally get some sleep.  I like just being able to talk free from resentment and simply enjoy when we are together.  I think that she and I really do have some destiny to stay in each other’s lives after we see out what it is that we are doing.

My ex texted me last night.  It says that she misses me and that I will always have a piece of her heart.  I don’t even know what that means really.  I think that given what she does for a living and how she controls her friends that she is not able to separate how she shows up with others or even differentiate between her work and friendships.  Even with her best friend, who she doesn’t see frequently, she still makes comments about and to directly in terms of the way that she leads her life.  It’s really a classic Adlerian paradigm, and I’d rather be with someone and just be.  I want judgment reserved.  I’ll delete her message in a little while.  I won’t contact her again.  I’ll wish her a Happy Birthday, but I don’t want contact.  I really do want a year’s worth of space.

I want kindness.  I’m seeking it and give it anytime that I can.  If someone is leading her life in a way that I don’t think is good, I can say that it wouldn’t be for me, but it probably works for that person.  A good example is a friend who I’ve had for 25-years who has done break-up / make-up with her partner for 4-years.  It would not be for me (And I have told her this twice), but I think that is the dynamic that she and her girl have, so it must work for them.  Kindness and consistency works for me in addition to honest and open communication.  I like having sex with someone who is kind, consistent, and honest with me too.  I am having a good end to my vacation this week.

by

Leave it

I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.”  I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text.  It’s true.  I  think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship.  That was our normal rhythm.  But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend.  I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real.  And I know that I can leave it…  Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.

I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now.  I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me.  In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday.  She can’t stop thinking about me.  Me.  The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible.  Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls.  So be it.  Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.

My cycling partner’s family was in town last week.  I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset.  I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence.  That is a good analogy for me too.  I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable.  This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too.  Compromise and flow.  I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her.  She is such a genuine person.”  That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there.  Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.

by

Dday

So, I’ve got a week.  That’s good too, because she actually is driving me nuts.  She said that she was thinking about me in a naked way last week, and a few hours later, she called and was sarcastic and flirty, and then we lost signal so she played her game by not telling me why she couldn’t call me back (She could have quickly sent a text.) until she was going to bed.  She is mean and manipulative.  The thing is that saying that to her won’t get me anywhere.  I just want to tell her that I’m not comfortable with much of a friendship until a lot of time has elapsed.  As she makes commenting on my status and activities in addition to pictures that have me in it a religious exercise, she can stalk me since she added me last week (She had taken me off when she told me that I was selfish, negative, and creepy.).  I don’t ever click to her page and may turn off any updates from her soon.

I just need to start getting over her.  My cousin is afraid that I will sleep with her next week and then feel guilty.  She needn’t.  That I won’t do; although, I am sure that she will be seductive, which is another form of her manipulation.  When she asks me directly if I’m either still attracted to her or if I want her, I will answer honestly.  Although I do, it wouldn’t feel right even in the moment because our relationship has gotten so gamey and fucked up.  I will tell her that even though I asked twice about going to couple’s counseling, her non-answer was enough for me.  I will also explain that I just need time off and I just believed that we needed to state our intentions uninterrupted and face to face.  Using her words to “not personalize it” when I don’t contact her at all should be that she understands that in order for me to heal, I don’t want to be intimately connected.  Again, maybe next July we can see what is what, but for now, we should embark on a Christmas card relationship.

We will need parameters and ground rules.  I’m going to ask that we don’t raise our voices.  I have only done that once at the end of a VM, but she is a screamer.  I also want us to completely hear each other out, and when I ask, “What do you think of that?” I would prefer that she tell me rather than say, “I’m just listening” or “I need to process,” because I know what that yields.  She keys up for why I am wrong much, much later rather than just validating how I feel.  That approach makes me really glad that I’m not her girlfriend and makes me not want to ever have her very close.

by

The Right Things

I told the psychologist who I pay yesterday that I am doing all the “right things:”  biking, lifting, working in the yard as much as possible, working part-time, seeing my friends, and today I’m going to my cousin’s house so my son can play with his second cousins.  She told me chop wood, carry water is the right approach, and it is.  But, do you know what is even more important?  Getting good sleep!  I feel like a million bucks right now.  I also have a good distraction in that woman who I don’t see really, but who I got a good charge out of hanging with last Wednesday.

I want to be clear, because my only gay friend who I see often gave me a lot of shit about her.  I am not a cheater, and hope that a couple of years from now I am at their commitment ceremony.  However, I’m around if they decide that they don’t have that future thing.  I’m doing my thing an waiting for a girl like her who catches my interest, because I’m ready to be vulnerable and put it out there to try again.  Like John Cusack says in “Say Anything,” “I want to get hurt.”  I’m not a masochist, but I do believe that you have to put it all out there to really keep a lasting love.  I’m willing.

by

Naked

There is this song by the BoDeans that talks about being completely vulnerable, and the song title is the namesake of this post.  I figured that I would get some readership given the obsession with sex that American society has, but really to have excellent sex with someone you are also expressing some sort of vulnerability or connection with the other person.  A friend of mine sent me a Ted link today, which a presentation by a Social Work Professor in TX, and she said that in order to actually connect to another person, you must embrace completely that you are worthwhile.

I am worthwhile, and I don’t feel ashamed that I gave my whole soul and told many personal things that I had not expressed previously during my most recent relationship.  I took risks.  I have grown.  I have refined what I want and my psychologist (Who I pay) told me that I’m getting closer.  I think that I’m there and when I meet her, I will just know, and we will connect and build what we want and can attain.

Possibility

by

Shift

Not the microbrew; although, I hope that my friend brings a four-pack of it today so we can have it after our ride.  We will probably do about 30-miles today and I’m feeling very, very good.  I am very much with the wave of momentum, and moving forward with my life and made it crystal clear to my ex that I won’t put up with her shit anymore.  She is coming down to dinner in July.

I’m having coffee–the girl made it perfectly clear that’s what it was–next week to work out some details of the committee work that she wants me to do for a state professional organization with the girl whose number I got as a coup.  I will tell you that when initially she had asked me if I was licensed and she said that she needs a secretary, I could only think of Maggie Gyllenhaal on her hands and knees with memos in her mouth.  Hee-hee.

This woman is a healthy clone of the drunk though.  Down to many physical details, and I need to be circumspect this time around, and she wants a professional relationship.  To be perfectly honest as well, I didn’t even look at her ass when I met her, so that’s not a good sign for my attraction.  I need more lesbian friends.  Also, I want to do tons of professional networking because it helps the profession and because I don’t want to move for internship.

I’m going to crash a women’s happy hour tomorrow too.  My one friend who’s gay can’t go because she is working a swing shift, so I will solo fly.  I want to ride bikes with them anyway and I think that they do other stuff too.  Again, I’m expanding my  horizons and looking around until I find a girl who I want to date.  I’m going in cautiously initially, but when I find a nice and sexy one, I will be open and hopeful.  My heart is free!

by

Consistency

So, she did call me to talk through a situation.  She also rapid fired a whole bunch of questions at me about what’s been going on and I just described my day and my weekend plans.  She told me that she wanted to talk to me about a professional question and said that she’d “love to pick my brain,” but as we talked, it became obvious that she had weird expectations.  I can definitely consult about behavior problems and what I recommend is empirically validated and will work.

What I can’t do is ignore the elephant in the room and that is that she expects an instant friendship.  That is bizarre.  We don’t have anything and she has never honored a f2f chat with me so we can end things on a better note.  She said about two-weeks ago that it is because she would want to have sex with me.  Well, sex is consensual and I would not want to have it with her.  She is not honest or consistent, and after we hung up she texted several times that she just wanted a friend.  I told her that she has tons of friends and we are undefined.  I also told her that she asked for a professional consult, that she never has seen me in a month because she’s “too busy,” and that I have no idea what we are and what she wants from me.

She’ll contact me again.  I won’t text back.  I will ask for a phone time and directly ask her what her expectations are.  I will also ask her again if she’s in love with me and would go to counseling.  If those questions are no, then we can take a year’s worth of space and then after that time has elapsed, if she wants to contact me, she can.  Just like these past few weeks, I won’t be contacting her again.  I haven’t and I won’t.  I do wonder if I’m in love with her anymore.  Last night was bizarre and there is no way that I would even want to touch her when I’m the covert “friend” who she wanted to catch up with under the guise of a professional question.  I mean what I say and say what I mean and expect that from my friends and want that in my love relationship.

by

Happy Soltice

So, of course it’s two-days in a row with texting…  It’s an occupational hazard that I have actually, and this request from her is legitimate, and I am glad to use my brain and she can make phone contact if she wants more information than the rather academic stuff that I included in text.  All in her court.  I noticed that she has a close up pic of herself in shorts and a sportsbra for her profile pic right now, so she is obviously adding “friends” quickly for later coups when she is ready to date again.  Good for her.

When she told me that she needs time to sort herself out first and then decide what she wants last week, I took the wish with her name that I had written on a journal page (One of my MH partners told me that this is a method of communicating with the Universe) and burned it.  It lit quickly and burned to about a 2-inch square and when I unfolded that, I noticed that there was no writing left.  So, that is pretty clear if I’m communicating with the Universe.

So, what I am doing is beginning to network with outdoor types of women and I’m attending a going away party tomorrow.  I won’t have had a facial, but I can cover my roots.  Although I don’t feel open to dating per se, I do feel ready to hang out with some new girls.  I want to see if my heart can move again, and don’t want temporal parameters on that, and trust that it will when it is meant to.

by

Worth it

I guess that’s what I’ve come to ultimately, and it’s that I want to be valued enough that when differences occur or there are some things that need to be addressed in this “relationship” that we just do it.  I don’t want to be criticized and definitely don’t want my son to be looked at like “a psych experiment.”  I think that when you are done, you reflect on things that you let go or ignored.  She actually said that once.  I think she is actually fairly fucked up and still hold that she is the queen of projection and displacement.

I had a dear friend over for dinner last night.  She is actually a lesbian too, and I only have one friend who is close to me who is.  She works constantly, so we aren’t super close.  The occasion was that she is moving out of state–to the West Coast.  It was so great to see her.  I told her that my ex and I didn’t really work and also told her how we met, and then casually chimed in about her having difficulties with my son.  Her huge eyes got bigger.  She told me over and over what an amazing kid he is and how lucky I am.  There are probably many reasons that my ex and I didn’t work out.

Of course she texted me during dinner and now has questions in her non-questions.  I briefly answered it this morning and although there is no salutation in text, I said, “Have a good day.”  She’ll never come down for dinner, and I know that I knew that when that is what I offered for us seeing each other.

I told my friend last night that I want more lesbians in my life, and she said, “Why?  They are cliquey and never respect new relationships.”  I told her my partner is not likely to grow out of straight girls who I have known most my life, and she said, “I don’t have any problem meeting women.”  Not that I’m in the market.  My heart is healing.  However, I remembered meeting (kind of) my ex’es’ friends and they were cold to me.  She has a group of lesbian moms who she hangs out with, and I could care less who likes me so I just ignored them.  If I was worth it to her, we’d have hung out with her friends during our 8-months.  We didn’t approach a relationship balanced at all.  I don’t want to contact her, know that she’ll continue to contact me, but will just let whatever fade and trust that I won’t run into her for a long time.  How odd what not only transpired, but what we have become.