Tag Archives: New beginnings

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Break-up Girl

I was her last summer.  Then I succumbed to the sexual energy of my ex and we spent August and September dating again, but then I realized that I had moved through what I needed to in my miserable summer, and had my rebound that I needed as well.  Now, I’m not seeking that either.  I’m just not Break-up Girl anymore.

We saw one of my favorite performers last night.  My workout partner bought tickets and I owe her money for them.  I should have bought the opener’s flashdrive, as she was excellent, but I’ll probably just see if Panda has her albums after I get my Mac repaired.  Shit, I need to drop that off today too.

Anyway, the headliner’s sets were obviously in the stylings of Break-up Girl, so it wasn’t as peppy as I had expected.  It’s funny that one of the things that I kept thinking over and over is that her ass is as nice as my ex’es.  I turned around after a few songs and told my workout partner that she really has an incredible ass and she said, “I noticed that as soon as she turned around to switch guitars and knew that you were probably VERY happy.”   Hahahaha!  The other thing was the namesake of this blog, and that is that she is still very much entrenched in her loss of a perspective marriage and her ex-bf.  So, her show had that “getting through being without you” feel and was pretty sombre and included sad songs and ballads as well.  I would have alternated songs, but I don’t perform, so.  It was still fun.  I LOVE live music.

I’m sooooo glad to be where I am.  I know that Thursday will be weird at times, but honestly, I can just be me, and I think that really I have been comfortable with that for most of my life.  The last thing that I had to do to embrace being ok was to come out, and I think that I may tell some of that story in my church when I give the sermon in July.  I’m not sure, but I will make it personal.

I have that Boot Camp again in about an hour and a half, and then my son plays basketball–it’s his second to last game.  I have to go to the university to pick up the gold standard test of ability (used for adults) and a projective kit that I like.  She has had some trauma, and doesn’t have a car, so today is also some case management as I have to transport her to a library because the main building is closed.  I will be fried after the eval, but I also have to see my young male client at his house and get new sessions scheduled for him now that he has started sports.

Then my new friend that I have through one of my best friends who is finishing school in CA, is having me at her parents’ house for dinner and I finally get to meet her girlfriend.  My friend said that she is very sweet, so I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  Tonight we are playing quiz.  We are meeting the engineer there too.  I’m so not into her, but she is smart, so we will probably win again.  I’ll text a few more friends if my workout partner and her out-of-town company do not come to quiz.  It’s fun to win.

It’s only fun to meet good girls.  I want to go on a date.  I should join a new meetup.  I may do that, but don’t think that now is the right time, because I’d be frustrated that their times don’t work with my schedule.  It may just have to be that late spring is the time for new girls.  I don’t think that one will drop out of the sky.

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REAL day off

I got tons of sleep last night, as did my son.  The client who I was supposed to conduct an in-home intake with is not getting back to me, so I think that we will just clean some this morning and then take our dog out.  Hopefully, my colleague will bring her kids and meet us at a huge park which we frequent.  (I can’t wait until it is warmer so we can bike there too.)  Then, because he is in a decent mood, I will just give him my phone to play “Angry Birds” on and also bring his workbooks and supplies while I work out there.)  Yay!  I love getting sleep and having clarity.

Pulled muscle or whatever aside, I did 30-minutes of cardio last night and cannot wait for my A Day weights today.  I should slightly rephrase…  I don’t actually like lifting, but the results are wonderful short and long-term.  We add this 30-second trial of a core exercise that looks like running cow bells to our C Day this week, so we will hurt more.  However, we will look very good this summer.  I’m not going to lie that I am already thinking about what to wear during the 5Ks that I do in April.  I like feeling good and meeting new people.

When you wake up and you are really refreshed–meaning that you actually can feel completely rested–you seem able to tackle whatever is needed.  I think that I’ll finish this cup, eat some food, and take a shower.  I want to clean my office and then get ready to go over to the park and rec center.  Today is going to be a great day off, and I just know that I’ll be ready to do homework and get ready for my week.

I did manage to forget that I was supposed to see my shrink today, so I guess that means that I don’t need appointments right now, as I typically look forward to them.  It’s funny that I don’t need to see her unless I’m in a position of not wanting a relationship that I am in.  Right now there isn’t even a slight prospect and I feel fine.  Broke, but fine.  So maybe that means that as soon as I want to see her, it’s because I know where I am, how I’ve gotten here, but in the past three-years have been with two different women who were not willing to meet me there.  So, it’s time to meet tons of girls and see where their journeys have taken them, and hope that one’s path coincides with my own.

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Writing need

I haven’t written in awhile.  I guess that when I don’t, my mind works stuff out anyway because I have been dreaming about girls for a few weeks.  They are in those shadowy, sprawling ways wherein one girl can turn into another, but I do know that because I’m just increasing my space away and getting stronger it mixes up all my relationship history in my head.  I don’t really believe the tired idiomatic phrase that time heals all wounds, but when it comes to love and lost love, it is probably the most helpful.  Additionally, I would never really run into her anyway, so I just have to work it all out silently and without seeing her.  I think that it’s best.

I would really like to have some companionship, but I don’t think until the beginning of June is it even realistic.  I have to finish up all these clinical hours, get my 30-pages through IRB, make observations every Wednesday and conduct and record my interviews, and then find another placement for next fall and spring.  Not the stuff of free time.

I still make sure that my son sees friends and plays sports though, so I don’t feel like anything is really lacking or not being met on the home front.  He kicked some ass on the basketball court yesterday too.  He also had an outdoor and one indoor playdate and I connected with an old friend.

I did something to my lower abdomen.  It probably was strained last Saturday in Boot Camp.  I’ll monitor it.  Last week was really poor on the workout scene, which tends to affect my mood.  I need to step it up this week.  I plan on starting that midday tomorrow because one of the Rec Centers is open and then I can stay on track.  I’ll see if my friend wants to join me.  At this particular location–a VERY trendy spot–there are some hot-ass straight girls to admire too, so that’s always fun.  Guess we will head to church.  I hope today is a good start to a new week.

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Middle of winter

It’s finally gotten cold.  I wish that it would snow.  I don’t like summer fires and hope that there is something that shall ensue to help us here rid ourselves of that as a possibility.  I’ll do some snow dances.

My weekend was great.  After my son’s basketball game, I went around to several stores, but I couldn’t find nice cuts of NY strip, and by then it was getting late, so I just scaled down the menu.  (I still had a lot of cleaning to do.)  I made fusilli with roasted tomatoes and braised asparagus and chicken picata.  Of course I laid out a ton of antipasto and also made my famous salad.  I can make steak carbonara another time.  Everyone loved the food.

Then we played The Game again.  I can’t believe how hard I laughed, but because I was at a Boot Camp Saturday morning and the first five sets were based in Crossfit practices, those two things combined have made my abs hurt so bad!  I had nothing left yesterday afternoon after walking my dog, so I ate dinner with my workout partner, took a bath, and went to bed.

I feel good this morning.  The woman who moved six states away emailed again and told me that she was going to send my son a gift if it was ok.  It’s fine.  I know that she would never drink around him again, so she is also welcome to visit this summer.  I guess that now that the last two women who I have dated have actually mattered, I can work a little for amiability.  It’s easy with her, because there is no romantic love or passion there at all.

Not the case with my ex at all, and that is going to be so difficult to navigate.  I know that it’s foundational to be nice and kind to someone.  She just doesn’t seem to be able to do that with me, so it should be a non-issue, but it’s not.  I know that I deserve to be treated as well as I treat her, but the gloves are just off (Or is it my clothes?) after we hang out for awhile.  I wish that we got along, but we don’t, and she doesn’t have time for me really anyway, or would she be willing for us to see someone.  I guess that I have ultimately come to that she needs someone who is unaffected by her moods.  I’m just not that mellow.

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Foresight

One of my friends calls me a little strega.  Her Italian grandmother was that way.  I think that must be a peasant term though, because my son has a book that obviously takes place in Eastern Europe in which part of the title is that word, but I identify and look most like my Italian side.  My friend, who is half Italian, means it like clairvoyance or what is called “being sensitive” by Proloux.

It isn’t just the whole thing with my ex who moved away, but it’s also that my recent ex emailed me yesterday.  She emailed me when I was looking at the friend across the table from me and getting ready to tell her that because she was so close with her grandmother, she should be going to the event that I have two tickets for at the end of the month.  The event involves flaky pursuits related to death.  I didn’t tell her about my tickets, because we got busy with our kids.  My ex emailed that she would keep her promise to me and would go.  I think when I was ready to ask my friend, my ex emailed.  I had intentionally left my phone in her car because I didn’t want to drag it around with me while we shopped and ate.

When you tell people that you are intuitive and that you know things, they look at you as if you’re a crackpot.  Although I have to rely on empirical, and also short-term methods at work, I do feel and notice factors that others probably pay no attention to, and I can feel energy.  The energy can be 50-miles away or six states away too.

The same friend, who I was with, who calls me strega, who has a kid eight-months older than mine said that when you are intimate with someone, some of her or him is always part of you.  I certainly have felt deaths and other things from my exes.  She is probably right.  I didn’t tell her that my ex emailed, because I would have gotten an earful.  I went back to our conversation and plans at the time.  In fact, because she is the same friend whose ex husband has cancer, I always concentrate only on her when we are together, which is typically twice a month.  When we left the store we were all shopping in, I told her that I had to tell her what I felt two-weeks ago.  I told her the whole weird story about my ex who moved though, and she said, “I knew that you’d tell me something like that.”

It wound up that I couldn’t confirm plans with my ex for the event until really late last night.  I was at my friend’s house after we shopped, and then I had to cook, walk our dog, eat, and play with my son as I promised this weekend.  He didn’t get to bed until an hour-and-a-half past his bedtime.  It would probably be nicer if I wasn’t so into good food.  Most people micro cook whatever, and I know that days are longer because I do cook.  Oh well.  Last night was a pretty late one for my son’s school night.

Initially I was a little flustered when I read the email.  Then I got to a place wherein I didn’t have to or think it appropriate either to disclose stuff, but rather emailed a few sentences.  I guess that I kinda followed suit and just did well wishes, but I also thanked her for dropping me a line and confirmed our plans.  It will be weird to have  a drink before if she’s dating someone, but I’m the one who wanted to be amiable, so.  I can’t tell if she is or not.  We should only very rarely run into each other, so I think that pleasantness is really possible.  That makes me happy given where I was when we were together.  I’m just simply ready to be vulnerable with a girl who is nice to me, and who I get along with most of the time.

On Saturday, I told my friend’s sister (We went to a bday party for a kid just three-years younger than my son.) about how I’ve changed during these nearly six-years.  I am ready for a real connection.  Passion and lust aside, I do want to seek compatible interactions.  I just still am confused how you meet girls.  I’m ready when I see her.

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Focused Forward

My office partner is somewhat of a mystic.  I met her nearly five-years ago, and when I was talking to her f2f for the first time, I realized that she would introduce me to my next girlfriend.  It took me over a month to admit this belief and truth to her, and she said this woman’s name right away to me.  We definitely tried, but we had weird timing.  She is also five-years younger than me, but from what I understand, her current partner is older than me.  Anyway, I’m sure that if I am ever in a meeting with her again, I’ll flush probably.  There is something about her that is purely fantasy, because we probably all want the one who got away.

One time in a large ladies night venue we met by chance and we talked–screaming in each others’ ears over house music is more accurate–and when she realized that I knew well her hometown and the surrounding area she paused and said, “I can’t believe that you even know where that is,” and we just looked at each other saying nothing, but sustaining intense eye contact.  Had she not been on a date–I didn’t know that while we were talking–we probably would have had to start kissing then.  Nothing ever happened though, and my office partner told me that she was too much of a player anyway, but now she’s settled in with an older woman who has a child that her ex birthed.  My office partner does know things.

However, I do still think that working the office again, as I did for just over a year in another position with this woman is interesting.  It could be that she is right, that my time with the right woman is around the corner.  She told me that yesterday.  And yesterday at work was unreal.  I have always believed when there is dissension and discomfort or even chaos around that things are disrupted and allow for balance.  Meaning yesterday was rough, and maybe tonight there will be a super hot girl at the Rec Center Pool Party that I’m taking my son to 😉

I know that I want things to be gentle and kind with my next girlfriend.  I think that I am being gentle and kind with myself, and that is always a first step.  I agree with the Ted talk that says that you cannot be kind and gentle with others if you are not first kind and gentle with yourself.  I want to focus on moving forward and doing well.  That I can really do.  I wouldn’t mind running into a girl who is on a similar path.

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Understanding

It is interesting to me that I could feel one of my exes so viscerally last weekend and it didn’t go away–especially since she really is sick.  Although I don’t really believe in closure when something ends, I do believe that there is knowledge and some change in one’s self when a stage or journey comes to a close.  I ended things with the woman who I spent the better portion of two years with right before my bday when I turned 37 in the fall of 2011.  The roughest thing is that I didn’t have a period of transition or silence that I’m taking right now though.  I started up with my ex after three weeks, and that didn’t give me the right amount of space.  I’m hoping that delaying intimacy will give me more space when I do meet a nice girl or some nice girls.  I was only with my ex for about a year and some change, and since she would religiously remind me that I didn’t have enough in common with her and qualities that she was seeking in a long-term partnership, we only were truly together and felt safe with each other for three-months, and she always had a proviso that she would throw up in my face even then, because she didn’t like the tone of ONE of my emails.

So, I probably can’t call her the the woman who I had to email “the drunk” anymore, because she only has one glass of wine at night.  I do believe her, but I also am educated enough to know that the triggers for alcohol abuse are multifaceted, and think if she were here, or on vacation that she could not exercise moderation.  Seeing her out of control is something that I don’t want to ever do again, but my son misses her and my son is also the love of her life, so she can certainly stay with us this summer and also sleep in the bed in the basement when she makes her trip to the midwest.

She also had a cancer scare.  I’d call her Steve McQueen, because she used to remind me of his character in “The Great Escape,” but my recent ex looks too much like him, so I can’t…  I can’t come up with anything, because I really know her as just a heavy drinker.  Anyway, she is six-states away from me, so I can refer to her as that.  Medical professionals sent a piece of her thyroid away to medical testing lab, and they say that they caught it in time and there was no cancer–she got this diagnostic information yesterday, but I think since that she also had a breast biopsy last fall, that it is a matter of time.  She eats mostly all highly engineered and refined soy products and rarely cooks, and most of the time, she’d just drink when I knew her.  She stopped exercising after she moved here (where I live) within about 3-months as well, and that was back in 2008.  She is not the picture of health.

I told her that I had told my shrink last fall that I would be her friend if she was on Step 4 of a recovery program, and now fate has thrown up health issues so she must recover.  She didn’t respond to anything that I wrote.  Although when she caught me up on her last 18-months, I responded and wrote about each topic and sent words of concern and empathy.  She did not respond to any of the details that I gave her about my ex or Peter Pan.  She said something flippant.  That’s ok, but that is where I realize that my shrink is right, my ex is just scared and gets critical, but is way more of a step toward what I want than the woman who moved six states away from my son and I in 2010.   She could either be overwhelmed that my ex was the love of my life, or that I confronted her about her alcoholism.  I don’t care, because I made my peace with her.  It’s not closure, but is learning and being authentic.

Being at peace is an amazing feeling.  I told her that regardless of the choices that she made, I wouldn’t be with her because of her use of alcohol, which is scary.  Even if she is recovering, I don’t want that, because it takes a very long time and you must be clean for a good period to not experience recidivism.  I wish her health and recovery from what I hope is nothing serious, and also from the abuse of alcohol.

Then there is my ex…  It’s so complicated to be in love with someone who you can be with due to bad dynamics.  We wouldn’t have to have them either.  We could just be and she would not have to get on my case.  My shrink says it is fear, but it makes me feel so bad and inadequate.  I can’t do that.  I just can’t.  However, as I’m still on that journey and not at peace, I don’t know what it means.  I’ll wait until I understand.

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Closure

No, that is bullshit, because I don’t believe it.  I just wanted a one word title this morning before I go into work and my night site.  People are dynamic, and as they learn, change, and have other influences which are external or result through connections with others, and they also change with respect to grieving the loss of another or a relationship.  I know myself well enough at this stage of my life that I just wait and think and act when I know that it’s right or it feels like the right thing to do.  When I was younger, I’d fly off the handle and simply react, but I’ve outgrown that.  This change is one of the main reasons that my ex and I wouldn’t work.  She says almost everything that pops into her head and is also hot-headed.  I don’t do that anymore and have learned to simply slow the hell down.

I woke up on Sunday with the drunk heavy in my mind.  After talking to a few people (close friends), I determined that maybe I should confront her in specific about her alcoholism.  Yesterday, this feeling turned to my being worried that something happened to her, so I just e-mailed her.  Turns out that she had her thyroid removed.  We have exchanged some e-mails and I certainly told her that I always worry about her health and what she does to her body that it doesn’t need.  I feel good about my contact too.  She had emailed me 8-mos ago and I only answered it now; although, I did so in a completely new thread.  She said, “I miss you both very, very much,” so this am, not wanting any mixed messages, I told her about my internship plans, my lack of desire to ever move, and that I am seeking a healthy relationship.  However, it is interesting to be back in touch with her.  We have known each other four-years this summer.  Wouldn’t that be great if I could get to this comfy level with my ex?!?  She left a bizarre message for my son on Monday morning.

I don’t believe in closure, but I’m tying up loose ends.  I’m living authentically and mindfully.  I work around the clock, but I still take time for me, connect to my son, and stay fit.  Now, over the next six-months, I want to meet some nice girls.  My cousin told me that I could delay sex about as well as I could grown horns when I was with her last night at Happy Hour.  I just want to actually know the next girl I date.  We shall see.  Or you will, as I nakedly chronicle my many years of dating here!

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Flake with goals

I succumbed to having an internet reading done, and my number is 4, and because I’m not deep in knowledge of numerological stuff, I don’t know what it means exactly, but my chart does some shifting on Tuesday.  That would be the 22nd.  I do get that.

How the hell do you meet new girls?  I met the drunk as I have said, in a bar, and then oddly, I went to a church for the very first time in many years (And this church was brand-new to me.) two weeks after I told her that we would not only be totally broken up but cool contact for a year or more, and I prayed to meet new friends.  That is the truth.  I went to a BBQ on THAT Sunday and met my ex through an ex-colleague’s (who is hosting a Happy Hour on Monday) colleague.  My former colleague’s friend from work is best friends with my ex.  (It sure as hell is hard to blog incognito, but I am afraid that I would make clever names for everyone that would hurt anonymity.)

I texted my new couple friends who I adore yesterday.  It is her bday this weekend and she said that her girl was treating her like a princess.  That is very cool.  They met on a highway.  That is the truth as well.  They were both driving over the Continental Divide–one solo, and one with friends–and the solo one needed CDs.  She signaled the one with friends to roll down her window and said, “Do you have any music?”  The solo one was married at the time, and the other one was involved with a woman who would not be “out” and say that she was her girlfriend.  They took a year of hanging out when they both moved here before they ever dated.

My good friend met her girl at work because she womans a front desk.  Their story, which I only heard last Sunday was cute because you could spot my friend as being a lesbian from far, far away, but her girl is very feminine.  So, when my friend was not getting it, her now-girl said, “Well, my ex-wife and I used to go there for coffee.”  The rest is recent history.

My colleague and her partner who I have been hanging out with as of late met in HI.  They were working in different fields, but wound up talking a lot as when you live in that state, you are on, an island.  I don’t know which one of the islands, but they have a sweet story as well.

I don’t know how my friend that I have through another friend met her girlfriend, but my friend who was here for her bday and Christmas said that her girl is very sweet.  I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  The both seem really mellow.

You can’t really tell by looking at me that I’m gay.  I have a feminine presentation, but I’m muscular and assertive and have a very deep voice, so when someone new hangs out with me, they usually know.  They don’t know superficially though, because I just present bold and for the most part, women can be outspoken, at least in this area of the country, without drawing too much attention to themselves.  I don’t have to come out to anyone though after they have hung out with me three or four times.

My straight colleagues tend toward loving jewelry or talking about men a lot when they are more extroverted and straightforward, and I think that makes it so no one would question their sexuality.  I’m pretty friendly with everyone at work, so they know who I am, and I’m sure that they would mention a girl to me if they thought that I’d hit it off with her…  So, again, how do you meet women?

I’ll keep putting my bad, single self out there of course.  I can do that starting tomorrow at my ex-colleague’s Happy Hour too, as she has a collection of friends who she has always thought that I would hit it off with, and it’s funny to me that when her colleague was interacting with me two years ago that she thought that my ex and I were exactly the same.  My colleague told her, “You can have my friend exchange emails with your best friend, but probably nothing is going to happen because my friend is really picky.”

And I am, and I was not attracted to my ex via picture when my ex-colleague sent me one.  I thought that she had great arms and was a little bit cute, but definitely did not look like my type and looked way older than she is because she is always in the sun–you can’t do that here, because you get leathery.  My ex is not that photogenic as it turns out.  However, in one picture that she sent me much later, I thought that she had beautiful eyes.  And she does, and has the best ass that I’ve ever seen.  She was my first short girl.  Then Peter Pan was super short, but that wound up grossing me out.  I like a little heft and do really enjoy height, because you get those great legs then.  Uh oh.  Getting shallow here…  Been a month since sex, so that tends to happen as a derivative.

When I met the drunk, I told my buddy who works a front desk, “I’m going out tonight, and if she’s cute, tall, smart and funny, she is going home with me!”  And my buddy said, “Good luck with that,” in a super snotty way.  She was pissed as all get out when the drunk walked in and met my gaze and gave me a great smile.  I like that too.  I have been with three women with incredible, light-up-your-whole-face, smiles.

So, I’m ready.  I plan on riding my number waves of four, but will do so sensibly and try at least to somewhat stick to my 20 daylight dates.  I hope.  I don’t delay sex very well.

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Save it for the cookies

I’m not sure if there is a script for this whole looking thing.  I wish that I could say that I can do completely casual for a a long time.  However, if I think back to every girl who I slept with the exception of the little liar, I have to be very attracted to a girl in order to date her.  So, when I reflect further, it’s maybe not possible to have tons of hang outs with single girls.  I don’t do well with anything open.  I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once.

Maybe it subsides when you learn that…  She chews with her mouth open or she doesn’t wash her hands with soap?  I don’t know.  I do know that as soon as I’m in a relationship with a girl, I don’t even look.  One of my best friends calls me “bizarrely monogamous.”  I just think that I work hard and pour myself into things very strongly, so I don’t have energy to expend that is significant in different directions.

Something interesting happened with one of my clients lately.  She told me about how she originally didn’t like a girl who became her best friend, and then over the course of a year, her “best friend” did some really shady shit to her.  I came to that she has good intuition and should not ignore it–meaning that she knows quickly who is who.  I told her that is her lesson and that is never to second-guess because she gets people quickly.

I know that I can’t follow a script, but I get people quickly too.  I won’t rush my year-before-living-together, but I will trust that I know.  My ex did push and pull and wordsmithed what I wrote and later what I said within two weeks.  The little liar just didn’t “feel right” to me and I succumbed to her pursuit games.  And hell, I met the drunk, in a BAR!  I wish that there was a factory approach to finding an incredible girl, but it just doesn’t seem to work that way in the world of dating.

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Peeps

Well, I get a three-day with my son this weekend, which is good.  I spent this weekend getting lots of things done, so I didn’t have as much time to clean because I also went out on Saturday.  This weekend, I should get some solitary stuff together for my son to do inside the house because his bday is next weekend and we should save money.  I have Happy Hour on Monday, so that is my adult social thing that I will do.

My friend who just turned 37 is so cool–we went out for her bday on Sat.  She has an arty way about her, but she also tends toward connecting well with the person who she is talking to.  She was very late, so I talked with one of the bartenders in this trendy spot.  He came over and said, “Can I get you something?”  I told him that I didn’t  know that my friend would be this late, and he said, “I’m like that too.”  I nodded and then said, “Oh?’  He told me about his 8-month relationship and how his girlfriend can’t stand his running late, and then I said, “Well, she is an amazing person, and we all have faults so I don’t really care about this fact.”  He smiled and laughed.  I elaborated and explained how if you are basically a good person and just do one thing, and you probably don’t always do it, as long as it isn’t a dealbreaker, it doesn’t affect anything that much.  He said, “Well, I didn’t ever come to her late until after 3-months.”  I told him that everyone does nice things for three-months, and if he really wants to change this fact about himself, he can develop new habits.  He said, “I was so fucking bored.  Some of the people who come in here are…  You’re so for real!”  I congratulated him on his 8-months and he bought me a drink.  Because she got there an hour-and-a-half past our start time, I was there for five-hours.  They have cool art though, and we enjoyed that and brilliant conversation.

I talked to one of the soloists at church yesterday.  In fact, we had a long conversation.  She is soft butch and has incredible eyes.  She and her partner have two kids.  She works for an agency in private practice and has all her clinical hours done too.  Anyway, she asked if my bday twin was my gf.  I said, “No, she’s straight, and I outgrew that at 22.  I’m also very single.”  She has been with her partner for five-years and married for three, and she said, “I have outgrown that too, but it just took me awhile.”  I told her that from the security point, that it is heartbreaking for me, so I will not be doing it, and she talked about the thrill of the catch.  I realized that I have really gotten old.

Five couples will be at the dinner party next month.  After you hang out with that many happy people, you have to have some good energy.  One of my friends who is coming said, “I think it’s lesbian osmosis.”  I laughed and thought that was pretty good, but what I really want to do in general is be around people who I can laugh with and feel their happiness.  One of my good friends and her gf came over for dinner last night so that my first introduction to her would not be the party, and they are really into each other, but they are new. Lots of things will settle in this year and her girl is a major extrovert and my buddy is very private, and quiet.  I’m not sure how that dynamic will be for the long haul, but my friend and I have been friends for five-years, so it would have been really weird not to invite her.  One of the other couples does nearly the commute that I just had.  They are extremely happy too, because they made an incredible impression on my friend who was home for her bday and the holidays, so I think that it will be good to be with them too.

I like to be around happy people.  I like to joke lightly with folks when they get too serious or they don’t see the humor in lots of situations.  I like stimulating conversation and want to share some of my hobbies with a woman.  I especially want to cook for her. As I begin these pre-dating ventures, I will bring a buffer person or couple to my house, so that when I’m going to bed, I can just say, “Well, goodnight everyone,” and get coats.  I’m not about to engage in physical intimacy until I have some good data about a girl, and good or bad, that does take time.

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Goodness

I had a wonderful day at work yesterday and it felt like a different planet in comparison.  I’m grateful for it.  This night is pretty long for me and I work 11-hours, but I will always hold that working even 14 is waaaay easier than parenting.  That is a full-time job that can push every single button that you have and never ceases.

I’m trying to get my dinner party scheduled.  I was excited to do it over President’s Day, but one couple is going to be out of town.  This was the first holiday weekend that I would not have my son all school year too.  I’m hoping that two weeks earlier will work for all the other couples.

I have a little cold.  Everyone at work is really sick, and I am doing well with just getting extra sleep and eating a ton.  I must have some issues about that though, because I had a weird dream wherein I got together with a friend who I have not seen since June and she was saying to me, “You sure lost a lot of weight quickly and now you gained it back.”  In the dream, I knew that I really hadn’t gained any weight, but kept looking at the legs of my jeans anyway.  I guess that means that although I get home really late tonight, that I need to do cardio.  I will.  It’s not that I’m neurotic about exercise, I can skip, but skipping often makes me feel weird if it goes on for days at a time.  I’m well enough to workout tonight.

This particular friend who I dreamt about and I have had some major differences over the years, but the good thing is that we were able to talk about them.  I don’t trust her explicitly, but I like to hang out with her on occasion and we laugh.  She is the one who worked with the woman who introduced me to my ex ultimately.  She said that she is hosting a happy hour in a couple of weeks.  I will go if it happens.  She is really funny, but I don’t like her treatment of her husband and she talks a ton of smack about people and used to keep folks around for comic relief.  That’s not my thing.  I have a close circle of friends, and don’t need to surround myself with people who I have to feel superior to, because I like to be with people who are easy and fun.

I woke up happy without the aid of the alarm.  I have been up an hour so far.  I’m trying to troubleshoot some problems with my laptop on my own, but may call for support this weekend.  I don’t even have class this weekend!  I need to see who I can eat dinner with on Saturday night.  The one friend with whom I wanted to connect is now out of town, so we shall see.  I don’t want to work and organize all weekend, but would rather keep things in balance.  I feel very good about where I am right now and want to stay here as well as possible.

One of my next goals is that I really want to expand my circle of lesbians and have been wanting to for sometime.  It seems like when they get a new relationship, they really do drop away.  Hopefully, if their relationships continue on a smooth trajectory, they will reach out.  One of my friends has been dating the same girl since late summer and I haven’t even met her yet, and she has been my buddy for five-years!  As I am a firm believer in energy, I want to be surrounded by solid couple energy, so I really hope that I can get all the couples at my dinner party.  I know that we will have fun.  I want to do lots of things to keep this goodness ride goin’

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Control

I think that I get what I can and can’t control.  You can’t control the way that someone treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and sometimes your reaction is, “I can’t hang out with you,” and that is what I have chosen.  It may be that at the end of February, that my ex and I do go to that show together, but that works well for me and I can even get a cab there if I want because the venue is a very short distance from my house.  (I do really love where I live.)  However, I can say with complete confidence that I won’t be going up there for any reason other than a complete emergency.

It is really wonderful that since I told my ex that I couldn’t even approximate dating because of the way that I feel afterward, she has really not said boo.  She won’t this time, and I can tell, because I may not know her well, but I know exactly how she treats people.  She may not even e-mail at the end of next month, so in that case, I will need to think of someone who should come with me. It really should be my friend who now lives in CA, but she is in an aggressive school program.  I’ll think of someone.

Ultimately, she couldn’t control anything about me.  Certainly she did aggressive and passive aggressive things to me, but those won’t happen anymore either.  It was funny that she always told me that I wasn’t accountable, but I kept wanting to talk to her on the phone since the last time that I saw her and after my asking her three times when a good night was, but wouldn’t even say that she was too busy, but simply wouldn’t answer that question.  I used to think that this stuff was gamey, but it was really just another method of controlling the situation.

I have all the hindsight that I need.  Ever since she started her monthly break-ups, I have written.  Each month I would try to make changes, but mostly what she wanted to change was something that I couldn’t and it was one e-mail that I sent (out of over 40) that she didn’t like because she said it sounded casual.  That is so bizarre.  Then what she did even after she wouldn’t talk about the e-mail in particular is throw up roadblocks.  All of these left me feeling like I was being treated casually.

We never dealt with any issues or talked anything through.  I don’t think that she can either.  She can communicate anger really well, but can’t own when she is upset or work through anything which results in compromise.  I watched her do this dance all the time with work situations, and it’s interesting that there are also people with whom she was extremely close in a personal realm who no longer speak to her.  She can communicate clearly boundaries, and anger, but working through hard things with someone is NOT something that I ever witnessed her being able to do.  Again, it’s her way or there is a punishing that ensues and does not cease.  I would never want to be with her again even if she said that she would really go to counseling.  I’m done.

It is so good to have all of this silence.  And she doesn’t get into touch at all anymore, and somehow, I just know that she won’t.  I can’t control her reaction to me if she runs into me by chance, but I can control my pleasant smile that I will give.  I’m still so glad that I loved that deeply; although, there was nothing in that experience that I could control.  That is the thing that I have yielded from this part of my journey.  I can love fully without any guarantees.

 

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Wholehearted

There is a social work professor who gives some of those Ted talks in addition to seminars and the like, and although I do have her book, I have not begun reading it yet, but I plan to as she talks about living with true courage and the belief that we are truly worthy of love and belonging.  Being somewhat skeptical naturally, I tend toward thinking that just reading those words sounds much like Stuart Smalley, with the assertion that “I’m smart enough.  I’m good enough, and dammit people like me!”  However, she does not sound cheesy at all, and she boldly talks about her own journey to understand connection and vulnerability.  This seeking is exactly where I am on this leg of my journey.

I was utterly and nakedly vulnerable in my last relationship.  I exposed my whole heart and loved fully, which turned out to hurt a lot, but does not leave me feeling hollow now.  The reason being that I changed as a result of loving completely and fully and I worked harder for her than I ever have in any relationship and it was less than one year.  I’ve had much longer term relationships; although, admittedly I have not in the last five years.  But, I know that time doesn’t actually matter.  Even though it does take an entire year to get to know a woman, it is possible to have all of your passions completely ignited, which if you are connected to her can lead to significant intimacy.  That didn’t freak me out in the least, but it did her, so we really never had a commitment or did we courageously say that we are building a future.

I realized yesterday after our friends left, that control and also keeping me at arm’s length was a way of never being vulnerable and led to her feeling comfortable in our situation.  I’m still unsure if I completely understand the negative commenting and insensitivity, but I do know that because I am good to myself every single day that leads me to being a whole and kind person.

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Adjustments

I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex.  I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar.  It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily.  Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.

I get that takes time.  It takes a year.  But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight.  So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think.  I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me.  However, I do love music.  In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.

We hiked and sledded yesterday.  My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically.  (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape.  And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.)  My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast.  She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.

Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad.  They have two kiddos.  I’ve known them 18-years.  I think that we will have fun.

I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends.  She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable.  My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship.  Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex.  You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier.  So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.

I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well.  In fact, I pretty much do.  My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him.  My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight.  Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent.  I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped.  There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking.  She also used to throw the leash down.  I definitely get that type of response!

Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single.  However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed.  Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper.  The latter is not pretty.  I’m done, done now.  I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too.  I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it.  When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me.  So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.

I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating.  Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least.  I still want a girl who wants to be with me.

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The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

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Not bad at all

I got up very early this Sunday morning, but it’s not a big deal, because I don’t have too much to take care of anyway.  I laughed really hard again last night and had such a splendid time.  When I’m with people like I was last night, they really meet my needs.  My good friend and I had about an hour to talk before one of the new couples who I’ve just started hanging out with got to my house.  I cleaned up quite a bit too.  Then we ate a salad, linguini and clam sauce, and I made veggie sausage and peppers with the best seitan product that I think is available.  I seem to make friends who are vegetarian all the time.  In fact, when I was at the Post Office yesterday I was in line between two of them who talked to me at length.

We ate the dinner and then we played this game wherein you pass four pieces of paper in a set continually to your neighbor.  The game works best played in even numbers because you alternate writing a statement or drawing a picture.  So, I would write something like, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and pass it and the three blank papers clockwise, and you’d read that statement and then draw a visual representation of some birds probably, and a hand and bush.  After you were done with your art, you’d pass the pile again leaving only your drawing exposed so that the next person has to write a statement about the picture.  After four passes, you get your statement back and it’s funny to see the story evolution.  You eventually get back yours, and you have two pictures and one other statement if you play with four people like we did last night.  Then you can lay out sequentially the story.  We laughed really hard and the couple had brought their dog too, so mine was glad to have her girlfriend.  (They had hiked two weeks ago together.)

I’ll probably keep saying it…  I don’t desire a clone, but rather want a woman who is good to me.  Kindness is not that tough.  I don’t think that assuming the best really is either prior to living together for a longer period.  I do think that in time, little things start to bug someone.  I like the talk that I watched given by an anthropologist who said that you are able to get a significant dopamine hit many years into your relationship by varying your sexual routines or simply laughing a whole bunch.  I love the latter and definitely am looking for that in my next girlfriend too.  It is work to make me laugh, but it’s really easy for me because I can read people easily, so I can fairly quickly gauge what they will find funny.

I’m going out on NYE.  I want to find a good, smaller venue like I was in last year.  I can’t stomach the huge dance club and really don’t desire any Dickensian Lesbian Nightmares.  However, I can stomach meeting some nice girls to talk to and getting some numbers and the like.  I’m sure that there are funny nice ones all over the city.

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Sweet Spot

Good, solid sleep, tons of laughs last night, and nothing urgent to take care of today leads to bliss.  I’m not going to do anything but make a self-addressed postage ready shoebox and take my dog to the Dog Park.  I need to retrieve my best pair of Birkenstocks.  Otherwise, I plan on cleaning, organizing, paying bills, and doing one simple write up that will take me 15-minutes.  I think that I will cook a few meals too.  I have decided not to drive anywhere far away today.  My son and I are spending the entirety of NYD on a farm, so I don’t need to go anywhere in particular today.  I have my easy three weight sets, but that won’t take much time.  I also need to really start squaring away my house.  I want to be done with that chore by Monday afternoon.

I got that perfect amount of sleep last night.  I feel pretty good today less a little headache and very slight sore throat, but I think that’s just because having my humidifiers set up needs to happen.  I can probably do that today.  One of my best friends is coming over for dinner tonight.  She is pretty amazing and has lived in HI and in CA for sometime, and is just home for a bday and Christmas trip.  She is my water and dog person friend.  We should do her chart tonight as that seems odd for a Cap.  She probably has a Water Moon as do I, or has an Ascendant that is water-based.

Someone read my entire blog, and that has never happened.  I keep wondering if it’s an ex.  I’m kinda an ex-collector, sadly, and it is as a reader aptly put–although I can’t accurately quote–you don’t have to keep a staple around for a decade when you know it isn’t really going to nourish you and feed your soul long-term.  It reminded me of when I was lamenting my 2009 – 2012 relationships and my psychologist who I pay said, “You didn’t marry either of them.”  And that’s true.

I had coffee with a fellow student and soon-to-be MH colleague, and she told me that regardless of how beat up I felt in my last relationship as a result of being constantly criticized and sized-up in general, that I have to remember that in addition to needing to control others, there are some people in this world who deep inside are not happy and don’t feel like they are good enough or simply worthwhile.  She told me that sometimes these people need to disparage others to simply know that they are better.  Another reader wrote that when you are with a “fault finder”–I love that phrase, btw–they get into your head and undermine your sense of self and your role in your relationships.  I’m grateful to have only been with one in 38-years.

My lessons are to stay fit and get good food and sleep.  I also want to avoid sizing others up or criticizing others in their journey.  I do realize that some people’s lives would not work for me, but unless they bitch about it all the time, it is working (somehow) for them.  I just am.  I don’t have the desire to feel better than anyone else.  I can wish everyone well and be neutral or just avoid people who tend to not feed my spirit.

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I have a day completely off tomorrow

I should probably take my dog on a long hike again on Saturday.  I need to think and she needs to run and get crazy.  Although I should have never let her off-leash, it was beautiful on Christmas Day.  With an entire day off, I should spend some of it at higher elevations.

It’s weird to spend as much time as I did second guessing myself.  I like to think that I’m “over” my childhood, but I obviously am not if I’d let a woman treat me like shit because she had a bad year.  I’m very sorry that my ex lost her father and that does the single parenting thing with a toddler.  I started the latter when he was 21-months old, and it is really rare–happens once or twice a year–for him to be away more than two days and that only is twice a month.

I have had my thoughts and have done some soul searching stuff. She deserves to find someone who can tolerate her moods.  And I do think that it is possible that when she meets her future partner, she will just be less critical of her.  Even with reflecting, it is not ok to say the things that she does to me even though she is grieving and has a tough road.  That’s displacement, and I want a partner who can say when she is angry or hurting instead of attacking.

I have a business meeting and then I have supervision over lunch today.  Afterward, I need to motor at home to get it straightened completely.  A friend from high school is in town tonight so I’ll go out for a little bit.  I was out a little last night as well because my friend needed my support given her husband’s health.  He has had one surgery and will probably need chemo.

I want to meet my next girlfriend through connections or activities if possible.  I’m really an avid hiker and don’t bike too much when it’s this cold.  The first day it is 50 and it falls on one of my weekends, I will bike to one of the reservoirs, but for right now, I’ll do my stationary one.  I still try to lift 3-times a week too, so I know that I have some good habits to take me through the Winter.

I loved her so deeply.  We had that passionate, animalistic love in addition to that connection thing that keeps convo going and interesting, but we never really had a commitment.  She had one foot out and the other one merely tested the waters.  I’m not looking for a life commitment within a year, but I’m not looking for a rollercoaster ride either.  Life is like that anyway, so you don’t want your relationship to be part of the lurching and scariness, but rather you want the belt to ground you.  I’m going to take time and seek something good.

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Deep inside a shadow

I’m getting ready.  I figured some things out and I feel like this new shift that all of us are supposed to have is happening for me as well.  It’s like emergence.  As there are no coincidences, it is fitting that I had the worse part of a mild flu last night and ran a high, shaking fever.

Everyone has patterns.  So does my ex.  She tends to be a grass is always greener kind of person, and that is where she and drunk are the same.  What she does is she is with someone and misses stuff about her most recent ex.  She used to miss sex with her ex who she had raised her other children with, and last Friday night she told me how she missed her most recent ex (besides me) because of the way she smelled and was such a woman in terms of having candles lit when she got home, etc.  I felt like saying, “Sorry it was always just dinner when we were together,” but instead when she was going on and on about her, I said, “Candles lit, looked beautiful, and dinner made?”  She said no that I was the only woman who ever cooked for her.  But, because she is now in her pattern of missing her ex, she remembers all the good qualities that I don’t have.  I can tell you that I’d rather have great, passionate sex!

The drunk was not exclusive with me until she moved six states away.  That is grass is always greener for her too.  She missed me and realized that she was in love with me when she and I went away to NM together for a weekend, but she was moving to the east coast in a month, so it was bad timing.  She didn’t tell me that she loved me either until I had flown to see her once, and she had just made love to me after she had come for a trip and visit.  At that point, the drunk had flown to visit my son and I about a month after I had visited her back east, and then she professed her love after we had a our first night together.  Although, I did love her, I was never in love with her.  I was slowly realizing that she had a problem with alcohol; honestly she loved the bottle way more than my son for sure.  And I was a distant third.

My ex loves money.  She says all the time that she is not materialistic, but she is.  She hoards material things because she fears an early death and her beautiful little boy being without as she was.  That I do get.  I don’t want my son to feel poor.  I work around the clock because of that issue of mine too.  She and I both had periods in our childhoods with periods of significant poverty.  My son has never known eating shitty food or living somewhere unsavory.  Her son will never know these things either.  So, in that way, we are driven by the same fear.

Grass is always greener and driven by desire for more.  Me?  I just want to find a sexy, bright woman who wants a resolution with me because she knows that I’m worth it.  I’m the one that she wants to build a future with and doesn’t make her feel any longing.  I’ll know when I meet her, and want to start off with let’s figure out what we both do in conflict and talk about it while we honeymoon.  She and I can figure it out…  Together.

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Auspiciousness

Today is supposed to have all kinds of luck surrounding it because it’s the last day that any of us will have that is three of the same numbers.  I was in Chichen Itza in November of 2010 with my ex (the drunk) and scholars showed us the Mayan calendar and then explained how it ran out–solely in terms of record-keeping–at the end of the year in 2012.  We also saw how all parts of the calendar were in 10s.  It was interesting.

I have had some really anxious kids, and I’m assuming that their families are also feeling stressed because the world is apparently ending today according to some extreme Christians.  I will work with two families this evening and support those systems as best as I can.  People are really overwhelmed and it is difficult to not take some of the stress on, so last night, I asked my son if he wanted to ditch his class and hang out and he completely agreed.  I may drop him down to only one dance class and guitar anyway, because I don’t think that he is learning much in his vocal class.  We ate, we read, we drew and then I did two sets with my colleague that was all that I had left in me, so I went to bed.

Historically, although I was born in an even year, odd years have held more fortune for me.  I already have some promise of things to come in 2013, because my Pastor approached me on Sunday and asked me to preach–likely in July.  We talked about it, and I’m excited.  I have to finish my practicum and dissertation next year too.

I wonder if I will want to officially get back with my ex?  I might if she really could learn to fight respectfully.  People who say that they never fight with their spouses and the like are liars.  Conflict is truly inevitable, but comfortably resolving things is an art, which also involves a chemistry between two people.  She and I did the old attack and avoid pattern, which I know can lead to resentment.  Which is why the Friday before the last time that I had sex with her I unloaded on her.  Why should I avoid anymore?  And also, why should I just take her bullshit?  It turned out that I didn’t hear her correctly, but since we are not dating, I just apologized and then chatted a bit.  A few hours later I wanted her, so I drove up there late that night and it was nice.

I believe in synchronicity and the lack of coincidence and that circumstances reveal themselves to you on your journey and will continue to do so in slightly different ways until you face them and move through them.  I have not moved through a relationship like this though.  There are only two that have ever had any hold on me, and both of them are still people with whom I have contact because of their lasting impacts on my journey.  In college, I had the healthiest relationship that I have ever had, because the girl was very healthy.  Unfortunately, I was not well and just moving through some of my past, so I was not always nice to her.  I have apologized several times and reminisced about good memories with her.  My ex-husband and I do some co-parenting, so I do have a relationship with him as well.  It seems to me that my ex, is not all that much of an ex, so we shall see what fortune brings with her in the next several months.

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Journeys

She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.”  She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd.  What’s my alternative?  I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on.  She also said that she was thinking of me.

So, tag you’re it, right?  My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous.  I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her.  That’s true too.  I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.”  I do.

I do not feel remotely safe with her though.  That is why I won’t date her.  There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either.  Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.

The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her.  I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years.  I am usually controlled with respect to anger.  I’m a processor.  I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.”  I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.”  And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you.  We can talk another time.  Let’s just hang up for tonight.”  She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money.  It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.

That’s not vulnerable though.  That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even.  I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean.  I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years.  She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.

I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way.  I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm.  I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.

As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list.  I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well.  But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school.  I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.

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Trust the process

I had a professor in grad school–well, the first time that I went to grad school in the late 90s–and she used to say, “Trust the process,” all of the time.  She meant that we should follow interviewing principles that are structured and let the format do the work.  I do agree that summarizing is important, but following it sequentially doesn’t work.  I was thinking about the process of being single.

You really have to trust that conventional wisdom says that most of us wind up with someone.  The thing is that right now, I don’t want to be with anyone.  I want to get things done and stay on track, and I don’t want to feel badly about not seeing some girl or needing to stay focused.  I distracted myself this summer with some young and immature girl, which resulted in my being behind as soon as July ended and I was done with my vacation.  I don’t want to be back in that shitty pattern because of the need for arms around me.

Before her surgery, my most recent ex had randomly sent me a picture of my ex who was my coming out affair last month when I wasn’t contacting her and I thought that it was really bizarre.  Who does that?  I have looked at the picture several times though after she sent it, because I have told some friends that she did so, and my friends always say, “She is really pretty.”  She is.  My heart would race and race and I was worried that I would have a health problem when I was to see her.  I would be practically dumping adrenaline making the three turns from the highway to get to her house.  That was definitely a process!  When I biked with a new friend in early October, I realized that my journey with her wouldn’t be over if I truly befriended this woman who I biked with, so I e-mailed my coming out affair.  It’s good to be amiable.

I have no idea what the future for my ex and I holds.  I know that now we will be amiable, but I also know that she wants a deep friendship, and I won’t give that.  I know that I said that I won’t drive, and then I did for $50, but I really won’t be back in dating land and have contact with an ex that is consistent.  That’s shitty.  I think too that because her former partner messes with her so directly, she is now realizing that she doesn’t want anyone to have her.  Her last relationship also results in lots of contact.  That’s not me.  I’m riding the wave of trusting that if we are ever meant to be together, life will aid it, and if we are not, I don’t want another close friend.  That’s my tried and true process.

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Gratitude

I really had an incredible day today, and the only thing that would have made it better would have been to have some intimacy.  That’s it, and otherwise it was really perfect.  I got to sleep in and wound up nearly sleeping until 7, and then I got my dog to a day camp, went to my psychologist, dropped my son off at my folks’ and then I had a massage.  I didn’t even mind grocery shopping and used some of the time to talk to two different friends on different coasts.  Yay!  I made a smoked turkey, some incredible brussel sprouts whose recipe I got from friends at church, mashed potatoes and homemade gravy, and grilled carrots.  It was very good.  My Mom had made a pumpkin cheesecake that was wonderful as well.

I taught a colleague a one day weight sequence of three sets, and will show her another day of them on Friday.  I connected with my son.  I had an excellent session with my new clients.  I just think that I have tons to be grateful for and wanted to send out this wonderful energy.  To whoever reads this entry, “A very Happy Thanksgiving to You.”