Tag Archives: Changes

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It’s 4 am I must be processing

I woke up incredibly early today. I just got my emails for students who I supervise done–it’s 21 of them–and also wrote a few to my students in a class that I always teach every fall whom I won’t see again after the end of the month. I’ll miss this group. They’re cool. The other 21 will be around until the end of April, and then I have some time off from teaching and supervision. In terms of the latter, I don’t know when that will happen again.

My Mom died a year ago in two-weeks. Heavy as shit. It marked the end of my family of origin. I had lost my brother as an adolescent and that still is complete shit. Yesterday, I had group therapy and talked about my Mom.

My Dad died of COVID in April of 2020 and it was a blessing with the exception of the impact that its had on my son. I had a complicated relationship with my Dad until I did 5-years of analysis and then I tabled all my stuff, didn’t let it effect our interactions, and when he was being intense or strange, I just noted it, sometimes wrote about it (here), and other times said, “I’m heading out.” He sometimes would apologize after I left. I visited him every week alongside my mother when he finally moved out and into the same facility where my Mom was for 3-years, but he didn’t last because he wanted to die. Literally. He asked his doctor to kill him actually. Although we’re a right to death state, it’s not that simple, and you have to be terminal. He had dementia and significant impacts to his working memory so he couldn’t read anymore. He couldn’t even spit anymore. I tried to sample his DNA twice and he couldn’t coordinate it to fill the little tube. I did that because that was something that he was actually interested in. Mostly for about 2-years at home and in the home he said, “I have to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep last night.” This man was brilliant. What a way to spend your last few years.

My ex-wife didn’t really know either of them. They stopped being able to interact really probably around 2012. Ironically, what impacted them was that they stopped taking care of my son in 2009 for the most part, and then they declined. My Dad’s best friend moved to the South and they didn’t do much anymore. I was so busy with my kid and doctorate that I didn’t do much with them except cook them some nice meals. They got quieter and weirder.

I fell in love in 2013. Actual love. Like the one in which you cry when you fight and when you know it will never be anything anymore you weep and get pissed being handed a box of facial tissues. Fuck you for wanting my process to cease. Anyway, I don’t talk to her, will pay her off next fall, and don’t want anything to do with her. I was totally in love with her though and spent 8-years married to her and nearly 9 together, and she never knew my parents as whole beings.

My best friend and I went to “Wakanda Forever” with community members and some politicians on Tuesday. I liked it. My best friend asked, “What do you miss most about your Mom?” and I answered it, and then answered it fully in group last night with other people who’ve lost one or more parents. My Mom was introverted. When she did talk, it was always funny and sometimes cruel. She was a heavy smoker until probably 2012 or so. That and her bout with COVID in June of 2020 made her voice practically disappear. I told the folks in group last night that I have a VM from Thanksgiving 2020 and it’s cute and difficult to hear. I think, too, having had a stroke when she was 21, her vocal chords were slowly paralyzing. I feel like I watched my parents disappear. They were like Luke Skywalker, Yoda, Obi Wan and Luke’s Dad in “Return of the Jedi” when at the celebration they’re in light, but faded.

I don’t want this week off from most all work to be trying or incredibly sad. I teach Friday night. I booked a hike with a new group on Saturday. I have Book Club Sunday, and my male pickleball partner is going home next week, and my female pickleball partner got sick, so I will probably just go literally dink around at the court on Sunday to get some practice. We may have to forfeit. Sucks, because I’m competitve. It’s fun. Don’t knock it. It requires skill to do well. I kinda suck because I can’t finesse and hit it too hard due to softball. However, it’s not SCARY like my golf swing is.

I daydream about the climber. I’m not going to chat at work again though, and won’t text except to text back. I don’t want to be weird. I just want to see how things shake out. I was incredibly disappointed when she had to cancel our plans last Friday and she was too and apologized; I was concerned that she was slipping back or reinfected with the illness, but it turns out she just needed hours and hours of sleep. Sounded like in total like 15-hours. I’m glad she’s better and hope that she makes plans with me soon. I can wait though. I’ve developed so much patience. She has the hottest body. Taut lean muscle from the waist up.

The other two ladies have fizzled. I read all this shit that I wrote in 2009 – 2010 and that tends to happen from time to time. I can’t even remember who some of these women are when I read their job titles or mean, sarcastic names. When you’re dating, you do a lot of it. It will be interesting when I have sex with one and disclose that to another one. I wonder if some will bail and some will be fine with it. I don’t want an exclusive relationship.

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And… She’s back

I got divorced in September, and I am adjusting to dating again. I can honestly say that having a relationship which is exclusive would not be something that I would be interested in for the next couple of years and maybe won’t ever be interested in that again. I have an almost 17-year-old now and saying he’s a handful is super mild. That is laughable, actually. I don’t want to bring women in and out of his life either. Until today, I couldn’t login to this blog for years because I hadn’t remembered that just using an old email that I no longer can access with a couple of common passwords would help with me logging in, and now I’ve read some of it it’s interesting to me that I thought that remarrying would be fulfilling. It so wasn’t. Now, I’m 48, have been divorced twice and married for a total of 17-years. Been there, and won’t do that ever again, and super on the fence about a long-term thing. I want to date.

I have always been very active. That’s why although I have a mountain of papers right now, I had to blog, because I’m jacked up sitting here at my desk and at least freewriting is like a semi-activity. I’ll walk the dogs after I do two more of these grading projects. They’re way more than just a paper and require massive feedback.

I have been obsessed with climbing movies and climbers for 5-years. But, that shit is DIFFICULT. I’ve hiked many a mile and done a little bit of bouldering, but am not a climber. I’d like to be though. My ex-wife encouraged me to take a class at a recreational outfitter and I did it well then, but it was probably 2014 or 2015. So, I retook it in August and it was a night that I was exhausted, so I didn’t do it as well. Then I took an outdoor artificial wall class wherein the second-day was outdoor. Real rock is next level.

I told my colleague about that class and she asked me to have lunch with her and tell her more. Then she said that we should go after work. She said that she and I and one of our colleagues would go together. When we did go, she was the one who showed up. She gave me a great hug. (I thought, “Oh, we hug?”) She drove to the route. When we got out to pack up she said, “I don’t get naked with colleagues so I’m asking if our relationship is shifiting?” I said, “I’m sorry?” And she explained that she was changing now, and I asked her if I should hold up a blanket to which she quickly replied, “No this is a climber’s space.” Naked for climbers, but not with colleagues, maybe? She took me up a very exposed route and I started dumping adrenaline and having trouble breathing at all. She was so sweet and said that she was so familiar with this side of the creek and that we could take another route so we did. I was able to go up 20-feet, so I felt accomplished. Definitely want to do that again.

That’s not the theme though. I had on Mary Janes and it was dark and I was slipping everywhere. By the time we got midway down the route at dusk my hands were porcupine laden with prickly pear quills. She took her phone out and gingerly began taking out the quills. I pulled back after a few. (“We touch each other too? Like not just when you’re comforting my afraid-of-heights-ass?) She asked what we were doing next and I told her that I had a recipe kit and could open a bottle of wine for us. She and I engaged in a great conversation and I was sad to get back to the parking lot where I met her and determined that we do, indeed, hug now.

We caravaned in our cars back to my house from the lot. She is handy in the kitchen. So good and quick chopping even, perfect mushrooms. She draped her arm around my waist. Wow. I slunk away after awhile. Not sure why. After dinner she asked if we could sit in my living room and her thigh was against mine. Nice. Good hug by her car before the night was over.

My son said that if I start seeing her, that I’m behaving like a Rock Star. His words, “She’s attractive, Mom. How old is she? Wow. That’s pretty Rock Star, Mom.” I don’t think that I care, actually. I’ve also made a promise to myself to stop referencing my age. She held my hands when I was shitting my pants given exposure, she pulled out quills with care, she put her arm around my waist, she pressed her right thigh against mine on my loveseat. She also played a playlist and danced with me outside in a gazebo and we climbed a tree afterward when we saw each other 1-1 again. It was all prelude. The third time that we saw each other we took a two-mile walk three-weeks after she helped me and I watched her expert climbing. After our walk, we drank tea, snuggled a bit and then made out until past 3:30 am. She’s been sick so we’ve not gotten together in two weeks. I’ll see her Monday though at work if she’s better. I have a weird job and work in different places on different days.

I went to a party for a colleague who has been significantly promoted. I met a neuroscientist there and we had a nice conversation. I was really excited last Saturday when she came to a group function because I didn’t know that she belonged to the group. I’ve asked her out in the group app (coffee or wine). We shall see. We have a nice connection.

At the beginning of last month, I met up with another woman with my two dogs and hers at the dog park. She had a health thing and emergency surgery, but I would love to see her again soon too.

I’m pushing 50 and want to date a ton. I read through some of these entries and I think that I’ve typically wanted a relationship more than just enjoying a date. I want to do that now. Just date. I don’t want to live in anticipation of tomorrow. I can just see what I see when I’m on a date with a woman and not think about anything else but that moment, and that date.

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New Chapter

I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer.  I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down.  I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me.  I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday.  I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post.  I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years.  It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.

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Engagement

I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding.  I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together.  Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit.  We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.  It was a retro fest of love.

Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park.  We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it.  Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house.  I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry.  It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.

We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall.  The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice.  The stars were phenomenal the second night.  We took a small hike today.  I love her.  I love being engaged.  I love starting my life on stable ground.

View from the trailhead

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Adjustments

We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine.  I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing.  It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.

I had a long day yesterday.  I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services.  The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce.  At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry.  I’m not sure that she has been held like that.  It made me think that my partner and I have something really special.  We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.

Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too.  I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church.  She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick.  When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative.  While that is really too bad, I was fuming.  I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.

I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey.  I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends.  I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.”  Whatever.  You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are.  You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.

I remember nights that I’ve had like this one.  You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself.  I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences.  That is an adjustment as well.

Here is what I took away that was new:

  1. We honestly don’t fight
  2. My partner is the nicest person who I know
  3. She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
  4. I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
  5. Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
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Reflections

I only have three-days of work left and then I go on a fairly long vacation.  It will be nice, given the disruptions to my doctoral process, and because I’m adjusting to my new life.  I’m thinking about how grateful I am again this morning, because I have begun my life with a woman who simply fits into mine by just moving into it.  She doesn’t ask me to defend the way that I do things, but gently comes forward and is accommodating rhythms that we had, yet she adds to them.  Enhancement and comfort is her way and I love it.

I read over my About page on WordPress and realized that it can’t be reworked.  I just need to rewrite it because everything that I’m doing is so new.  I have this amazing partner whose pictures still make me say, “My God, she is so hot,” and yet given our intimate connection when we talk, laugh, and make love, I know that I will not ever date again.  I’m glad too, because I was really sick of dating.

She’s mine.  I can’t believe that, but she is truly mine.  (These kind of assertions make me realize that I will never be Buddhist.)

Tomorrow night we will finally get our tree.  We didn’t sleep together last night, but of course we talked, and I was able to sleep well this time even without her with me last night.  I just sleep better with her there.  I never had a solid night of sleep with my ex.  I guess one time we slept late–until 8–in my bed, but she was so wound up all the time and also needed the tv on so that she could distract herself into falling asleep.  We were just incompatible.

When someone is as gentle as my partner is, you just relax, get warm and sleep.  After talking to me, she was able to get me where she can when we are in bed together.  I was just warm and drifting off to sleep.  I appreciate her way.  I’m lucky to bask in her light and love.

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My slow path to introversion

My Dad moved us all the time.  I went to five elementary schools.  I think that there were a total of 13 different rentals that we lived in prior to buying our house, and in a universal sick thing, my brother was killed after we had lived in the house that was bought just a bit over a year.  I think that everyone’s childhood is a bit messed up, so I don’t think that I have the corner market, but I sure have changed now that I’m middle aged.

My son asked me last night how many years I have left, and having seen a Vedic Astrologer in 2008, I just told him that number and then I realized that I have fewer left than I’ve had.  I have changed the basic structure of my personality too, which certainly gives me pause.  I’ve also become less dominant in general.

I had to make new friends all the time.  So, I talked to everyone, but I also listened.  I developed the persona that I could talk to anyone, and I did.  I think that this particular trait came in handy especially when I was selling software or CDs.  (I loved that job at the record store.)  I participated in class, I did forensics, I sought some leadership positions, and in college, I realized that I was only a mediocre actor, so I began *attending* the theater instead of trying out.  I figured, at the time, that was my litmus test.  I was truly an extrovert, because I wasn’t a good actor.  It was interesting to me that contrary to most popular beliefs, actors are introverted.

I was talking with my partner last weekend after I did the announcements at church.  I stumbled a bit in the earlier morning service and found the crowded 11:00 am service much easier.  She figured it was practice effects, and I told her that while that was true, much of it was crowd size.  Larger group, easier for me to feel less pressure and intimacy.

So, that’s it.  I was terrified of deep intimacy and being isolated.  I moved to a minuscule town in the midwest for my first grad degree and if I didn’t teach that day and participate in class, I heard no human voice, as those were the days of calling cards and land lines for long distance.  I got much better at being alone, and then I got really good at being alone when I booted out my ex-husband, had my coming out affair, and many friends stopped interacting with me.  These days, I talk to a new person if I have to, but mostly I work.  On nights like last night, I miss the lanky swell of my partner’s body in our bed.  I can connect deeply, openly, and honestly with her.  But, that’s about all that I want, because I don’t want an entourage, but seek things that help my family be solid and happy.

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Puzzle

I can be overly concrete.  Typically, I get fired up too, which could be part of my genetic make-up given that I’m Italian on my Dad’s side, but some of it too, probably comes from the nurture side of the house.  Experts in neurological research say that part is 40% of who we are (our experiences and social learning) is how we are raised and environmental influences.  My father flew off the handle all the time, and because I was terrified that I was that way too, I tend to seethe.  Could be because I’m a Virgo-Scorpio 😉

I haven’t screamed in a long time.  I did in October of last year.  My ex was fucking with me.  At that point, we hadn’t had sex in about three-weeks, so she was chatting with me on the phone like she did once or twice a week.  She said, “We are just not priorities in each other’s lives right now,” during our chat.  But, I heard, “We are just not a priority in your life right now.”  I lost it.  It was pent up stuff that she had always projected on to me regarding how I didn’t hustle for her, didn’t meet her needs, and wasn’t right for her.  That is the last time that I raised my voice and was irrational.

I talked with my partner last night on the phone.  So funny, because it’s rare for us to not be sleeping next to one another now, but I just had to talk to her before I went to bed, so I did.  I’m prone to worry.  We both tended to agree that we won’t fight actively, but will instead have spats and little tense moments of speaking in mean tones, etc.  I need to tell her that what works when we are under stress is quiet for both of us.  One time we wound up being in bed an entire day and ate very little.  We had to power eat two meals nearly back to back and were both slightly edgy.  We took turns cooking parts of it while the other was pretty quiet and either wrote or listened to music.  Adding down time when we are stressed is good.  I also told her that we need a fighting journal.  She can write down her impact of stuff that I do and say, and then I can read and validate it.  Seems good.

I dated a woman pretty recently at the end of summer and the beginning of fall.  She is a mess and not consistent.  Those girls are attracted to me.  I’m boring and stable.  When she got withdrawn and did some push-pull, I just disengaged from her.  She was pretty and all that, but I want a lot more than good-looking.  I didn’t understand well, being concrete, why she meant much of anything to me.  Much of her was the idea of her–four boys and into me.  My son doesn’t even mention her kids, because he saw them twice, I think.  Anyway, I’m actually getting things now as I piece stuff together.

In a couple of vivid dreams that I had, my partner was in them.  In one dream, she was riding a horse in a stall on a grainy video shot when she was a child.  I closed my phone–I thought because it was a film of my ex-although the video was my partner, and at that time, I was not ready to be with my partner.  In another dream the woman who I dated tried to give me a gingery brown cat, and one of my readers asked what the cat meant.  It didn’t mean what I thought that it did, because it was my partner.  I wasn’t ready to tend to her quite yet.  I tried to give her back.

I have a friend who introduced the woman who I dated a bit.  She kept telling me that I was in love with this woman; although, I knew that I wasn’t, I danced with the idea that somebody had my heart.  She has.  She always has.  But, it was not the woman who I was with.  It was my partner.

Looking at her pictures on FB five or more years ago with our friend caused me to wish that she would move back home.  It was a pull.  It was a draw.  When she got off of the couch to shake my hand and flash that gorgeous smile of hers in the summer of 2012, I felt it everywhere.  We became good friends.  Now, we are where we are supposed to be.

We put together the frame of the picture in June of 2012, and I had started with some corner pieces and edges.  She filled in pieces of unusual size while she let me into her heart as a good friend.  Then we put the whole thing together when I told her, “I need to see how this feels,” while taking her by the hand, pulling her against me and then nuzzling the nape of her neck and kissing the notch at the base of her throat.  Everything is together.  I can see the picture.  I had posted a real picture in reference to the wrong woman in this blog, and only now do I know exactly what was on that horizon.

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Pandora

I stream it all the time.  However, I do think that making love to her tonight will be like opening a lot of doors, windows, and perhaps breaking through walls.  She is going to come over very soon.  She is dog sitting though and can’t spend the night.  I have class first thing in the morning, which will be difficult because I didn’t sleep much this week.  Yesterday and today were also a complete wash at work, because all I could do was think about her.

Being able to delay it anymore was not an option anyway, because last night we made out for most of the night and lost where we were.  I could barely muster enough gumption to finally leave, and got home super late and as a result got very little sleep.  I know that you just can’t keep that up waiting for sex when you are kissing like we were and have that much chemistry.  Then there is this whole backdrop to our relationship wherein I had the love at first sight nearly a year-and-a-half ago, and she felt my energy even before I had fully entered the house then.  She remembered the month, what I had in my hands, and then the way that she felt.  I told her that a woman as beautiful as her who had a brand-new girlfriend was irritating to me.  The irritation grew as I realized how easily we talked and how compatible we were over the course of the next year.

Now, we have talked about what we both want, and that is building something with each other.  I’m not even scared, because she is so different than any woman who I have been with, and seems to be seeking laughter, being open, having a spiritual connection to the world and to want someone who is affirmative and attracted to who she is.  She is smoking hot and completely sexy.  We laughed so hard last night that the deepest muscles in our stomachs ached.  We talked about everything under the sun.  God and how journeys unfold was a topic that came up organically as we made a meal in her little kitchen.  From the minute we embraced in her living area and I could feel her against me, I felt more passion than I can remember.  I whispered in her ear, “The women who you have been with are completely crazy.  I would never have a moment when I didn’t want to have sex with you.”   She laughed and started kissing me.

I’m a little bit scared about the sexual intimacy.  I have to admit that.  I know that I’m good in bed, but it’s been forever–nearly 11-months–and these stakes are so high.  It shall also yield NEVER going back.  It also will solidify that we are falling in love.  We will have changed and I will crave her even more than I already do.

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Go, set, ready

I told her that I am into her.  I told her that when I was really used to these miserable dog walks with my ex, that her contrast of asking me to swing with her on a playground melted me.  It did.  She is sweet and light.  That just comes naturally from her.  I had a strong crush on her for two-months last spring, and now we can just date.  It’s just that the period for us started many months later.

She’s funny and sarcastic.  She understands the shit that I have been through with my last girlfriends and women who I have dated.  Much of this is because my friend has talked about me to her, and the rest is because she always had a girlfriend when we would talk or get together, and being lesbians, we would share stuff about our current relationships.  Something that she has told me more than once is that she wants to select a girl who wants to have sex with her.  That has historically not been a problem for me.  In fact, it often works in the other direction when I first start having sex with a girl, because it follows a pattern:

  1. I can’t sleep too well
  2. I wake up early
  3. I have a date or two with a girl
  4. I wonder when we will have a night together
  5. When we do, and because it has been so long since I have had sex, I wake up super early and…

Do you actually tell a girl that?!?  How would that work?  “Hey, listen, all of my girlfriends have given me a start time in the morning when I’m allowed to make sexual advances.  It has ranged from 7 – 10 am.”  I’m not going to tell her any of this tonight, but I do want her to know it.

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OK, Will Robinson

Damn.  I don’t think that I’m cut out for ten-months of celibacy.  I also think that the last woman who I dated is actually straight.  There is a guy who is a life friend of hers who she recently hooked up with who told her that she “needs a girl.”  I think that I was a point or rather a follow-through for her so she could tell a man whose opinion she respects highly, and thinks the world of.  I believe now that she wouldn’t have approached me at all had this lifetime friend who she had just been with not told her that she needs to be with a woman.

Anyway, I was talking with the woman who my son and I are having dinner with on Thursday tonight.  She offered a chat instead of an email, and I called her right away.  It’s crazy to me that six-weeks ago she and I were at a crossroads.  She was going to try to make an effort with the girl who she thought that she should now date exclusively since she and her girlfriend were completely done, and I was excited to have a possibility.  That was six weeks ago.  Now, we are both completely single and very clear.

That’s not a good place for me to begin.  I have all of this pent up attraction for her, and I also have a libido from hell right now.  I want to have sex.  I still run the risk of being a pig.

I asked her, “Can I say something completely arrogant?”  After I had apologized for it, I said, “How can you be feeling my arms and my shoulders and running your hands all over them, and then feel me up, but stop?  How can that happen?  I have some features that aren’t that great, but how can you be doing that to me and then that’s the end of it?  I really think that she is straight.  Seriously.  She should just go back to men.”  She laughed and it was that breathy kind when you know someone is blushing.

She talked about one of her exes who I know some stuff about.  She said that she called her “abusive” all of the time.  This woman is so sweet and kind.  She could never be abusive.  Then she said, “Something that you should know about me is that I’m abusive.”  I told her, “Well, I’m not too worried, because you’re taller, but I’m bigger and I can probably overpower you.”  She said, “I don’t know, I’ve gotten really into my morning practice [and then she names some martial arts strengthening practice].”  We laughed.  I said, “I think that I’d like that.  You could try to abuse me, but I’d really get something out of that.”

Well, I am not known for subtlety.  I also told her that it has been way too long since I have had sex.  I asked her if a six-week wait is long enough and she laughed and said, “Of course that is!”  So, six weeks from October 22, is right at my year mark.  If things feel good on Thursday, then I want to take her to a movie and make her dinner next weekend.  I would love that actually.  I don’t know if what I promised this morning with a slow, organic pace is something that we will be able to do easily.  I think that we both have some attraction, so we probably will just start dating.

It’s maybe not dangerous.  It’s just flowing, and the current is stronger.  Finally both of us are single and maybe we can see.  It will make our friend who lived in HI for sometime and has now moved to CA very happy.  I have always wondered about her, and felt a real wow the very first time that I saw her.  It’s never gone away, and I wonder if we can get together finally.

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Keep up this pace

I’m unsure if I will ever get to have a conversation with my former girlfriend.  I’m tending toward thinking that just reconnecting with our kids occasionally, and starting that after the first of the year is best.  One of my friends said it best, “I’m ready for a relationship–PSYCH!”  Although I laughed really hard and it made me feel better and like she got it, it’s actually really sad.  If you think that starting that conversation in any type of text is ok, then honestly, you are really a mess.  I have compassion for her.  That is bad judgment and lacks some empathy too.  Although I do love her, I wouldn’t want to talk to her at this point.  And, I’m not going to.  When she calls, I will listen the voicemail and when I can will text, “I don’t want to take your calls.  You initiated this topic of conversation in email, so it’s just as well that this thread ends there.  I’ll shoot you an email tonight.  Maybe we can connect in person with our kids in a few months.  _______ loves your boys.”

You may remember the-girl-next-door or my friend from the swings.  This is how I met her.  I was off with my ex, because that is what she would do, she would break up with me for months.  It was the summer of 2012.  One of my dearest friends was home from HI at that point, and I went to one of her friend’s houses who is kinda my friend too.  A woman who I had heard about for nearly ten-years was supposed to also come to her house because she had just moved back from the NW, and I had just met her sisters.  They were really cute.  All strawberry blonds, tall, and lanky.  Then, enter HER–she was chilling and resting when I got in the house.  In a sundress so her sleeve tatt was completely exposed.  Some moments actually are breathtaking.  We shook hands and then she smiled her sweet smile.  I kept thinking, “Why did you JUST have to have met a new girl?!?”

But, that was June of 2012.  Flashforward to February of this year when I had dinner with her and her same girlfriend who she had just met upon moving home. That night was pivotal for me.  I was still very attracted to her, but because I felt so at ease in her mother’s house (They were house sitting.) and around them, I just tabled it.  The night was incredible.  I posted the food, which is a little crazy as I blog incognito, but what was most salient was that I just had easy fun.  I never had times like that with my ex.  I don’t mean this six-week stint with the beautiful woman, but I mean the woman who has imparted so much to me, that I can’t be anything, but grateful.  Most times with her were miserable or she was on my ass.  This night with the-girl-next-door and her girlfriend was a blast.  It was fun and easy.  It fueled me.

Then we had that Sunday afternoon this past March.  The one in which her girlfriend was doing homework.  We actually played on the swings!  Then my crush began.  So, it started as a love at first sight thing, and then moved into a crush that I tabled.  However, we must also note that when I found out that she was single late this summer, I was THRILLED.  Then I found out that another woman was in that mix; although, it was that both of them had another woman who they slept with, those resulted in impacts.  I think that open is hard to do well, and that is the one thing that makes me jealous.  I’m not a jealous person, but sex and kissing is something that I don’t want my girlfriend to be doing with anyone else while she is with me.

Her relationship ended on Saturday, and I think that mine did too, but I was foolish, and didn’t know it until very late on Sunday night.  When we hung up on Saturday morning, she said, “I’ll text you later.”  She never contacted me again.  So, I just did what I had been doing over the last three-weeks and that was send her a well-wishing email.  I certainly received her perspective, but just can’t follow what she does.  I was only supposed to connect with her on Friday with our friend, and our boys, and then she told me her plans with them and the start time on Saturday, and I said, “Why don’t you just get that all settled there, and then text when you’re ready for another adult to join and I’ll just meet up with you?”  She liked that then.  That is the case with her, she likes some ideas on the fly, but then who knows what will still sound good to her.  That now includes me.  I’m worth way too much.

So, here I am.  I’m seeing a woman on Thursday for dinner who has always been my friend, but who I have had a crush on for over a year-and-a-half.  She needs some space.  She has not been with the woman who was in the middle of her breakup with her girlfriend in a month, but she has had some dates with another woman.  This particular woman is only friendship material though.

I just got out of something that had major potential from only my pov at the beginning of this week.  So, I am going to need a minute too.  I just want space from the woman who I was dating.

Dinner with the-girl-next-door.  I don’t need to kiss her.  I do want to get my arms around her and laugh with her.  She is also easy for me. My son will be there, because she has always known my son.  She is really good with him too.  My heart was about to burst watching her with him this past March.  (That entry is entitled, “A little danger,” or something to that effect, if you’re interested.)

He never fails to notice anything, so I’ll just bet that when we are driving back home that he will ask again and again if he will still get to see the boys.  That’s what I will preserve.  I don’t have any plans to begin those efforts for awhile.  She needs space to get through telling me that she doesn’t want to date.  I need some space from having the tablecloth pulled off the table, but then realizing that the stemware is unscathed.  I can thank my ex for that.  She has ensured that I am nearly formidable.

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That was a record

I sent her a little encouraging, well-wishing email yesterday, and I got back a corpse-like response right before bedtime.  It wasn’t even signed, “Love,” and was formal and business-like.  It’s saying that we are not working for her and that she knows some of what it is, but it’s not helpful to email.  I am leaning toward just leaving it at “Ouch,” and that I didn’t see it coming and feel foolish.  I’m not known for brevity, so it’s not like I didn’t write more, but I’m not inclined to having a conversation about it.  That’s where I am when I woke up.  I feel like if you write a Dear John email, it’s not only distasteful, but it is also slightly mean.  I was very kind to her and her family.

I texted the woman with whom I had that emotional affair and told her that the worst thing was that I have to tell my son.  I got some clarity while talking to her via text.  I don’t have to say much of anything.  I can keep saying that she is busy, because she is, and that I don’t know when he will see her little boys again.  And, I don’t.  When he pushes me, and he will, I will just say that she doesn’t have time to tend to a relationship.  Honestly, I think that she is either not gay enough, or not well enough with where she is on her journey to attend to a relationship.

I learned that I love being at ease with someone.  I do too.  It’s easy and pleasant, and I love to laugh.  I also am open to another mother, but would prefer that it is not one who I already know.  I have compassion for her and enjoyed my times with her.  I definitely love her, but had not fallen in love, so it’s unlikely that I will even shed a tear.  I will always have some love for her even if I don’t see her again or for a long time.  It’s not dramatic for me.  It’s just sad, weird, and not stable.

Here is what I dreamt.  It was another vivid one.

I was talking to her in her house, and she was mostly matter-of-fact.  It wasn’t sterile, because she still smiled and laughed a lot, but it was not warm or sexual at all.  I finally had to talk through what it did to me.  I told her that it was like a “brain scramble.”  Meaning that I thought one thing and then felt very fucked over and it happened so suddenly that I couldn’t make any sense of it.  She seemed to not be following what I was saying, so I used a gross metaphor, and motioned as if I had a wooden spoon above my head and was stirring my brain.  I said it basically to let her know that it was like mindfuck.  I also told her that her disconnection that seemed like a slow demise was like thin rock sheaths being stripped off of my heart in layers.  I told her it hurt.  That seemed more salient for her, but she didn’t apologize.  She seemed sympathetic, which just annoyed me.

Then I had to gather my son and say “Goodbye” to her boys.  I really love her baby boy, and he and I seem to have a bond.  It hurt too.  Then in the dream, she actually had four cats.  (She does have a couple.)  She was insistent that we take a ginger brown one who was docile and sweet.  I emphatically said, “No.”  I kept having to explain that I don’t want a cat and that I am not sure that I could take care of one well and that our dog bothers cats.  I got away from her and the cat in a towel, but she brought it to my house.  I told her that I didn’t have time or inclination to train my dog with a cat.  I told her that I would foster him for a little bit and then adopt him out.

I’m not going to push anything on her.  I’m not going to pursue her.  I’m not going to win her back over.  I don’t even care to hear her side of it.  I thought it a strange way to show up when she hadn’t emailed me back in over a week and texted me only a handful of times.  Then this is what I get in response to my innocuous and gentle one.  Fuck that.  It’s just not stable enough for me to seek out or invest energy investigating.  I didn’t like it.

I deserve good treatment.  I know that I am a helluva catch.  I’m glad that I had some ease with strikingly beautiful woman for 6-weeks.  Would have been nice to have slept more than 3-hours last night though 😦

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Nebulous and flowing

I talked with my friend who facilitated my being able to be with my girlfriend.  My artist.  She says that she is my sherpa, and I don’t get that.  I don’t know why she says that she is my nomadic, mountain woman.  I will tell you that I miss her eyes, touch and laugh right now sitting on my couch sipping a beer.

I was smoking pissed and hurt with this same friend when she cancelled on my artist and I a month ago and then sent me mean texts that remind me of my ex.  Explanation points and telling me to fuck off was not what I wanted.  That has faded.  But, I am still much more comfortable doing my own thing at my house.  I’m liking my house a lot and have cleaned up a lot of closets and the like.  I’m going to do that more today.  I don’t want to write.  I’m going to get up at 3:30 and do that tomorrow.

Right now, I want to write about what my friend (who connected my girl and I and also cancelled) said about my dreams.  She agreed that I was working through limits that I have set with friends who are on the periphery of my life, and she said something really interesting to me about the dream about my ex.  She thinks that I have finally “closed up shop” so to speak and she said that it is because I am in love with my girlfriend.  She didn’t use that metaphor, but it meant “done and done,” which is how I felt even before I hung out for a night with my artist.  She told me that the themes in the dream were of children, because my ex, if she did ever contact me again would want to appear carefree and childlike.  Well, she is NOT.  She is dark and angry.  She has passion, but the other side of that passion is fucking scary.  I can’t navigate her moods or her pawn making.  That was when I had the beginning of the emotional affair that I did.  Of course, I was talking outside and as I rounded the corner, there she was!  She was walking with her two kids.  Of course she was.

That is when I put my ex to bed.  That night, my son and I fought like crazy because he was hungry and we couldn’t find the restaurant.  While we fought, I confronted my ex on why she was forming a friendship with my cousin and her kids.  That was low, and weird.  While she would only say how it happened, I realized that there is no why with this woman.  There are only linear, sequential stories in which everyone wants to be close to her.  That’s her.  When I got to my car again, after my son and I ate, made up, wound up having a good night, and I was driving back home, I had heavy flirtation from this woman.  This interaction culminated in a two or three-day emotional affair.  That was the night that I got the goods who my ex is, laid her to rest, and realized that I could have heavy passion for another woman.

And I did.  That’s gone.  She has a beautiful voice and eyes, but I would never want anything with her.  It’s just not there.  She was my “closer” for the end of my ex.  And there she was when my friend was analyzing my dream, and telling me that I am in love with my girlfriend and that I am dreaming about her, because I was in love with her, and now my heart belongs to someone else.  Could that be true?

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Probably just a little weird

Vivid dreams are typically unsettling.  When I was little, and I mean really little, I dreamt about knives and assailants all of the time.  They were violent and graphic; although, I can remember them, they are not worth writing in here due to the gratuity of media.  Those are best for a conversation and like many, I don’t think that I’ve had those even with my psychologist who I saw for years.  I get that I work stuff out in my dreams.

The company had taken away my car insurance.  They had raised the amount to $1000 monthly if I wanted it, and then it would have to be underwritten and approved if I was ever to get it.  A lawyer called me and said that I could no longer drive, and if I did, I would be incarcerated.  My mother was there and was signing documents, and then my ex-husband came in and said that he wanted nothing to do with it.

There are financial issues.  They are not insurmountable, but I will have to see how my business launch for side work goes this summer.  I also need to teach every term in a blended class.  That seems to be the wave of the future, and although I prefer everything being f2f, that is not the way that the world works in the wake of this economy and social shifting as a result of computers and Internet.

I think that there are people who I just don’t want to engage with.  I think that shadow aspects were explicit in this first dream.  I don’t want to be leaned on so heavily that I lose myself or have no reciprocity.  I have told three friends over the last month that I don’t want to hang out right now.  I don’t.

The other dream was real too.  I woke up and at the top of my Droid there was an icon that is typically in the window of settings in an actual camera.  It was a video camera icon and it meant that someone had sent me a video recording.  I opened it like it was a message and it went into a video shot in a pasture with fences all around.  The film quality were those muted colors from the 70s.  A little, short-haired, blond, freckled girl was jumping onto a saddled horse.  There were men in stetsons all around her who were clapping and encouraging her, and then the shot got more macro and she was riding around, but I closed it and deleted it.

It’s a good thing to not hear from or be bothered by my ex.  However, there is something energetic that I feel right now.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know that she is more moody than usual around the holidays.  I would never reach out, because I don’t want her show.  That’s what she does.  It’s a well-orchestrated performance which includes everything that you’d ever want to hear, because she is an incredible listener and also a chessmaster.  It’s so different than standard manipulation.  It’s surrounding yourself with pawns who do your bidding because you have “goods” on them or know exactly how to motivate them.  I know her deal.  However, she showed up in my dreams.

It’s all time.  It’s just waiting and seeing.  I love my girlfriend, but I can tell that I’m not in love.  I don’t know if we are building anything.  I trust that we love each other and have positive feelings for each other, but I have no clue what the next several months will entail.  I suppose it doesn’t matter.  Right now, I love her, am hopeful, am not involved or overextended in anything, and can write and go to class because she is not possessive or does she expect much time with me.  We enjoy each other when it happens.  We shall see what the ceiling is on what could be.  That could take months, but I love being with her when I can.

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Balance 8.22.08

I can’t believe that I wrote this entry five-years ago.  Until I reached the age that I am right now, I had no idea what people meant when they talked about how quickly time passes.  Five-years…  This one is a re-blog, but I want to look at it, because I feel as if I am finally getting my balance with where I’m headed in my life.

Balance.  Do we even know what the hell this word means?  I cannot believe the way in which everything is overdone: work, activity, even the way in which we approach relationships.  I’m kinda sick–I sneezed and my nose ran all day to day, but it was a decided improvement upon the incessant headache and sinus pressure that I’ve had for over two weeks.  When colds finally hit me, I feel a sense of release that is foreign.  I think it’s because I don’t actually let go too well.  Americans even take Yoga about 3 times a week to practice “letting go.”  Isn’t that utterly ludicrous?!?  How the hell do you practice that?  People talk about moderation, but I’m sure that I have not mastered it.

I am going to hike with my son tomorrow.  Desiring grocery shopping is not what I would call part of my evening, but it is necessary.  I may hook up with my friend and her son, but am cool if I don’t.  I am cool with most things these days.  I have to be…

I would like to have some physical intimacy…  Would I overdo that?  I think that my goal is to actually ensure that I am varying my activities and letting things unfold as they should.  I’m sure that I’ve said these statements before, but they are starting to make increasingly more sense to me.  I think that I understand that I need to be patient with myself to fully listen to others who I truly love.

PS.  I get it.  I understand what balance is too, as I have let go of extremity and fervor.  It’s little smatterings of the things that I used to enjoy more than I do now, and connecting to those who have an energy level that matches mine.  Enjoying whatever unfolds without expectation is helping me too.  No poison.  I’m not anyone’s therapist who knows me either.

I am not overdoing sexual intimacy, and in fact, I am not able to overdo connecting with my current girlfriend either based on what she has going on in her life as she focuses on strengthening and balancing her energy.  I’m not overdoing anything right now, but I must embrace that as I have come to center, that I can connect with people only when it makes sense.

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Another wake-up call

My girlfriend called me last night and we had a wonderful conversation that was seamless like usual.  I know for a fact that there isn’t anyone who takes me like I am, less her.  I have all of these expectations from everyone, but her.  She just wants me to be myself.  I just want to look at her, learn from her, laugh with her, and have family time.  I’ll take that anytime that I can get it too, and won’t despair when plans have to change because of her capacity or her sons.  Any second that I get with her is a gift.  I just want to be and not to bend the river.  It’s flowing and it’s beautiful.

I’m breaking up with a lot of friends.  My workout partner started doing things that I couldn’t follow and seemed bizarre and like she expected me to meet her needs.  I had to tell her that I needed space.  I’ve taken it, but I had to see her yesterday because I had locked myself out of the house in the morning and wanted my key back.  It was super awkward.  I just don’t want to be anyone’s everything anymore.  I don’t have it.

Another one of my friends says that she is “going through” a lot of shit at work.  I texted her to be grateful to have a job, as I know that many don’t.  I meant that.  Then she said when I called her that I was undermining her.  I was being honest.  I think what has happened is that everyone has these expectations of me either to do some toxic joining, or just listen to the same recycled conversation.  I got this text out of the blue and it was a “feel sorry for me and listen to me bitch” text.  No thanks. She helped me move many loads of dirt to my backyard in 2011.  I appreciated that and I cooked for her three times.  She had gotten that job then, and has always hated it.  She still hates it.  I do think that she should be glad that she is employed.  I finally told her that I would pray for her to find peace and a new job.  I will do that, but I can’t do the toxic and recycled convo anymore.  I just don’t have it in me.

I had gotten stood up at the end of last month by my bday twin.  She took over two weeks to explain that she left her planner at home, and she did it via text.  She wants to get together Sunday.  No thanks.  Who does that?  I texted her sorry that we missed each other, and she explains it now over two-weeks later?  I don’t need that.  Frankly, I’m a lot better off and more balanced when I’m either alone, with my son, joking casually with colleagues, or anytime that I spend with my girlfriend.

I’m going to read all the entries that I have written about her to her, and then ask if that level of detail is ok for me to write.  If it is, I’m putting this blog back up.  If it’s not, I’m going to support my work blog, dog blog, and my son’s old blog and that will be what I do.  I entitled this one “Return,” and think that perhaps my return has lead me into a more introverted self, which is more balanced, and one in which I seek out positive interactions.  I don’t want to do ranting or toxicity, and since the end of 2012, I have not had a toxic approach to love relationships.  I don’t want them in my friendships either.  I’m shifting and becoming the person who I want to be, and it’s one who wants to seek out good.  I don’t want to be mired down by anything that resembles poison.

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Evolution

It was raining hard after work again, but my son and I made the trek to her and her little boys anyway.  It was sad that it took us 50-minutes to get to her, and it only took half that to get back.  I wished that had worked in the other direction.  Just people in cars in the rain, and really heavy end-of-the-week traffic resulted in a later start than either of us wanted.

It made my son cry when her little boys had to get picked up by their Dad.  He doesn’t understand anything but full custody, because he has never had to consider it much.  He sees one my friend’s daughter on my weekends every once in awhile, so he doesn’t think about what she does during the week.  His best friend’s mother has custody of him and his sister–they have a summer and Christmas visit Dad.

For the most part, he LOVED the visit as did I.  They laughed and played so well together.  I told her, “That is really encouraging.  And it’s rare.”  She seemed surprised.  I said, “They should really be vying for our attention.”  Then, I realized, although I didn’t say it, but it’s probably because she and I parent the same way.  Our boys get our undivided attention when we are not cooking or conversing with each other.

She has this cool thing that is a better version of High / Low wherein someone sitting at the dinner table asks someone, “What is your favorite part of the day?  What did you learn today?”  My son likes it, and I do too.  We had great conversations about what aspects of our days went well.

On the way back home, I told him, “You’re right.  I do love her.”  He said, “I do too.  I give you one month to tell her, because you need to say it.”  I told him that the time had to be right in terms of the timing.  He said, “Well, I’m going to say it to her first then.”

We were in her kitchen alone at the end of the night and she spun me around and pushed me up against her sink.  I had just given my son the three-minute warning.  Of course he couldn’t turn off the system he was playing, so we had to stop and that sucked, and then she messed with me a ton by saying kinky stuff to me in double entendre that my son of course could not follow.  Then she climbed up to the loft in her house and lain forward on her stomach peering up to where the tv area is.  I had a perfect, albeit not-so-perfect, view of her while she talked to my son and laughed.  We have a flirtatious and fun dynamic.  She is the sexiest and most intriguing woman I’ve ever been around.

Gone are my days of the crazy-making pacing and the worry that we won’t work.  I’ve done that a bunch.  I know that she and I do work, and we have lots of days to find out how that will shake out.  I don’t want to rush either, and I don’t want to overwhelm or push anything on her.  I really met her at the right time of my life after I had done lots of necessary changing and evolving.

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Who needs to fight?

I told her that I had my quota when she said that I would fight with her in the grocery store.  That’s honest too.  One, why the hell would you fight in the grocery store?  I love food, eating, walking, and she is someone who I love to talk to or simply just hang out with and do whatever.  I’m perverse at times, so I pointed out three different couples who were talking and sauntering about the grocery store.  Finally, as we neared the back of the store yesterday, there was a couple–two girls–who were visibly arguing and having lots of tension in the grocery store.  I wanted to pass them quickly, but she is pretty observant.  So, when I saw her see them, I made a plan.

We exited the aisle and I said, “Ok.  I do realize that was the only gay couple who we’ve seen today and they were fighting,” and then she does what she does.  Her head tilts back and she laughs hard.  It always makes a warm smile drift across my face and most of the time, I start laughing too, or I just hug her.  Then she pulled me to her, kissed me and said, “See?  People fight in the grocery store.”  I told her, “I don’t want to,” but as is the case with her, I had a huge smile across my face.

There is more.  We could have had conflict around my misunderstanding about evenings and dinners–it was something that just didn’t sit well with me earlier in the week–as she was busy all week and we couldn’t see each other easily or could we talk.  Instead, we went outside after 5 on Saturday when the boys were engaged in boy things, and she talked to me about what a team is, and what a new girlfriend is and how it’s always her desire for me to express my needs or just be honest with all of my feelings when I don’t want to do something or simply just can’t easily.  Also, as I guess she just is, she was nakedly vulnerable with me about her last two relationships and what she believes about independence.

So, as it turned out, I didn’t have to have, or even request a discussion.  We just organically talked about where we were with respect to our relationship, and what could be a compromise on seeing each other during the week when it works easily.  OK.  Wow.  I’m sure that some of you have read “discussions” that I had with my ex.  Or should I say my trying to bring things up, and then feeling like I was in a duck and cover drill?

Preparing for fallout (with my ex)

Preparing for fallout (with my ex)

I don’t think it’s realistic for me to try to avoid to make comparisons based on contrast.  She is so different than anyone who I’ve been with over the last four years.  She is easy and genuine, and an enviable adult when it comes to communication.  It think that it’s safe to say that I love this woman, and she has admitted that she thinks that she loves me too.  I can’t wait until there is one of those right moments and I can just say, “I love you.”  Because, I do, and I think that I have met my match.

We wound up making out in her bathroom about three times yesterday.  I was helping her with her hair.  We got really physical.  She is the most affectionate of anyone who I have been with, and that combined with how attracted I am to her makes it difficult not to go further than we should yet.  I love her eyes, mouth, and body.  It’s a wicked attraction, and I’ll admit that I have never been this comfortable with a woman either.  We can talk, we can sit, we can make meals together, or we can have conversations that are rooted in compromise.  I think all of these things make it safe to say that I’m going to be in love for the first time with someone with whom I could make something work.

My Horizon

My Horizon

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Occupational Hazards

I fear the question, “What do you do?” when I’m dating a new woman.  And, I had erroneously thought that my new gf knew what I did, because I have known her for 10-years.  But she didn’t and she said, “Oh.  Wow.  What makes THAT appeal to you?”

There is a gamut of responses:

  1. What am I thinking right now?
  • I actually have no idea, because I’m not clairvoyant

2.  How fucked up are you that you went into that?

  • It’s just what I do for a living because I was interested in psychology

3.  So, do you just diagnose your friends and everyone around you?

  • No, I am not working right now, but now that you mention it, paranoia anyone?

4.  How does it not bother you?

  • In that way, I’m kinda like a guy and when I’m done with work and leave the building or office, I don’t take anything home.

5.  I could NEVER do what you do, because I could not be around people.  How do you do that?

  • I don’t hang out with anyone long who needs group 🙂

However, my career has affected my dating, and I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t.  She and I need to talk.  She is sweet and tender and honestly would never do anything to hurt anyone or is she motivated out of cruelty.  However, because of my ex baggage, that I really need to honor, I crave consistent.  I need some ground rules around it too.  I had to call my workout partner and took a solo walk to take a picture of a tree that had probably 7 different shades of red on it, because at that point I had to clear my head.  How can something that we said on Thursday be a trigger on Monday morning?  No one is born knowing how to treat you, and when you have conflict you are equally culpable for engaging in it.

My workout partner said, “______ , you have had a really bad day, so that’s effecting the situation.  And you know stuff that is going to come up because of _____ , so you don’t have to tell that whole story, but as stuff comes up, you owe it to both of you to talk through those things so they can improve.  Don’t jump to conclusions.  Have a conversation.”

I realized that although I took two months longer than what relationship and family therapists say you should take after a relationship that because I have had no relationship, I had no idea what would be triggered in a new one.  What I mean is that I was with my ex off and on for 15-months and I didn’t kiss anyone or even seriously consider a girl for nine-months, so I just needed a new relationship to see what has affected me longterm.  I did wait more than half the time of our whole relationship, but I had to be in relationship to see what I have become.

Well, now I go to how WYSIWYG you are right away.  And that’s not it.  My artist has been naked vulnerable about who she is and what goes on for her.  It’s really my turn to tell some of that, which will include the impact of the only two times that I have been in love.  I guess that I’ll start that convo here.

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Communication and “Stuff”

I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships.  However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well.  There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.

My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest.  It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway.  I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself.  I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.”  I digress.

To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.

My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend.  I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet.  I had left my cell in my car.  While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to  hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone.  I called the restaurant.  I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights.  She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.”  She is a big promiser.  It’s just her thing.

With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly.  For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July.  She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer.  That’s good.  Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking.  I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming.  I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.

In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too.  So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.”  All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general.  Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.”  I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on.  She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.

We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird.  She cussed and used exclamation points via text.  TRIGGER.  I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES.  I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair.  One time that I cancelled.  I’m not getting into that.  Space is better.

I can’t text fight.  I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points.  I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids.  These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012.  I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate.  I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her.  It was toxic.  (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house.  She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy.  I actually said, “I’m not ____ .”  I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)

I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house.  I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work.  After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked.  She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.”  I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.

I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves.  That is just me.  I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back.  When you run, those get really tight and defined.  I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy.  After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game.  We laughed hard.

Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach.  I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship.  I told her that I waited for her.  After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared.  She told me, which is good.  But what I don’t get is why it scared her.  She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.”  OK.  Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it.  OK.  She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating.  OK.  So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.

What was my result?  I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work.  So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike.  That helped.  Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more.  I just need to have this tough conversation.  It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment.  I don’t know how to have these conversations.  I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship.  My ex has fucked me up and I let her.

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Truly new

My ex finally removed me (and for the fourth time) off of FB.  She also took off my cousin and my close friends.  I may at some point take off the three women from the bday trip that we took last fall, but it’s nice to know that she won’t look at anything related to me.  She didn’t block me this time around, but maybe she can leave it alone.  I hope that she does understand that you can’t treat anyone like complete shit and say horrible things to her and expect that you’ll be friends.  I have no interest in a big shot who thinks that she is better than everyone and really seems to have an entourage of minions.

So, I’m starting something new and it’s going slowly.  We cuddled in church–my son was in Sunday school–and then my son sat between us when he came out during prayers.  They are teaching him The Lord’s Prayer.  He had a workbook when he came out that my artist looked through.  She is so great with boys and has a way of listening to children that is enviable.  She’s kind and gentle in addition to being so striking.  She almost made me turn red saying something a little dirty to me, and then I was struck that she would make reference to something kinky in church.  I am going to have to get my brain around a lot of things before I make love to her.  She’s genuinely intimidating.

I don’t know when I’ll see her.  I don’t even want to go out of town to climb mountains this weekend for my birthday, because it has really gotten cold.  If I don’t have an audience in my office today, I’ll call the B & B over the lunch hour and ask how much snow they got.  I’d rather see my artist a couple of times, and write and clean.

That’s what I think happened.  I think that I got on top of some of the highest points in North America starting in July, and then I put out my intentions into the mountain air.  I also think that since February of 2012, when I kept saying that I wanted a kind and gentle girlfriend, that began what I would seek.  Should I read through previous entries, I know that there are other things that I put “out into the universe” as they say.  Now, I am scared and should have a friend say to me, “Be careful what you wish for.”

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Bam

I just don’t have those slow, organic developments.  I don’t.  Girls and I just tend to know what we would like.  The big difference now is that after the girl from last summer and I had our thing for a second in July of 2012, and then all her lies started unraveling, I realized that I need to know someone’s friends and they have to know mine before we hook up.  That was my mistake with her, but I also think that I didn’t feel that mutual chemical bam also means something.

My artist told me via email that the only time that she saw herself looking the way she does once before, as she in the picture that was snapped by one of my hs friends at the wedding Saturday.  It was apparently when she knew that she was in love with a man who she later married and had two kids with after she could no longer hide her affection for him.  Wow.  I haven’t ever been that flattered.

Now I’ve got two days to pretend like I can easily sleep and feel stable driving dinner over to her house.  She writes like I do.  She loves music and reading.  I think that I kinda could feel that.  I have obviously looked at and been impressed with her paintings, but when my workout partner asked what I wanted, I said, “I want to snuggle under a huge, fuzzy blanket and watch movies.”  That is how I feel about her.  She is so beautiful, and definitely funny and cracks jokes, but I just want some time to share with her.

I get that chance on Thursday.  I don’t want to ask stupid things like, “What are you looking for?”  I’d rather reflect on our energy.  There is a lot of sexual energy there, but I also liked when we were laughing and joking on the back deck too.  I didn’t think that this year would end with no connection, but I had no idea that it would end with a chance to quickly fall in love.  I am ever-amazed with the beauty and the seeming lack of predictability in life.  I’ll write again on Friday morning.

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You haven’t got it so figured out

I had a wonderful day Saturday completing the summit with the woman with whom I had an emotional affair.  She and I talked incredibly easy regardless of elevation gain, and she is the most suited climbing companion that I’ve ever had.  That’s sad.  We talked through the pointed flirtation at several intervals after the summit.  I held her twice when I dropped her off and told her that I wouldn’t mess with her and that she needs to get her shit together.  We are super compatible.  We talk, joke, laugh, are both inappropriate–especially in terms of our sense of humor, both love kids and working with them as our primary clients, we are both highly energetic, have good vocabularies and think that being outside and then following it up with a beers and a burger is one of the best things that there is.  We talked more about the lack of us on the way back down.  I told her that it didn’t matter how compatible we were, and if we made this–whatever-the-hell it is–into physical that it would not only be immoral, but it would wind up fucking both of us up big time and diminish the level of connection that we have and what could be.

Then, I came home and made a cool mountain album to put up on FB and got ready, because I was going to a wedding.  It was the coolest wedding that I had ever attended as well.  It’s not because the Governor officiated it, it was because it was short, sweet, simple, and outside the couple’s home with the block sectioned off so that street performers could perform and we could eat BBQ and drink microbrews.  There were probably 300 people there.  One of my best friends who is like a sister to me has a friend who is a talented artist.  I had been to one of her art shows last year.  I guess that she said to my friend, “Are you with ______ ?” and she said, “Don’t you think I would have told you if I started seeing a WOMAN?  No, we have been friends for years.”  She said, “Oh, well, I think she is really hot.”  That was so flattering.  She is magazine quality beautiful.  She pulled me out to dance, which I hate, but she eventually let me off the hook.

We didn’t flirt overtly or out-of-control, but we had an intensity.  One of my friends from high school who knows both the bride and groom as well asked me yesterday morning if this woman was in love with me.  I told her flatly and easily, “No, but I am not sure who I will wind up actually dating next.”  She texted more and eluded to the level of sexual chemistry that could be felt when we were sitting with each other.  So, what am I going to do?  I’m going to email her this morning.  She has four boys.  She is a talented artist.  She has had pain in her past.  She looks like the child of Jane Seymour and Audrey Hepburn, and it was highly flattering to have her express interest in me.  It made yesterday very interesting too!  At least I won’t skip any workouts anymore 😉

After my friend from the swings got out of church, she called me.  We had a wonderful and good conversation.  However, the breakup with her gf does not even approximate clean.  They did an open relationship before ending their relationship, and the woman with whom she had the polyamorous connection is now pursuing her exclusively, but indirectly has shared that she will likely sleep with her ex for always.  I haven’t been down that exact road, but I know that I am not cut out for open.  I like stability in relationship and not wondering why I don’t give someone enough.  I’m smart enough and have been in enough classes to understand that sexual experiences and intimacy vary for everyone, but when she said, “We will have to be different now,” I did tell her “I don’t think that is possible.  You started off with only a sexual foundation and found each other seeking an open experience.  Also, the intention that you put out in the universe was that you a wanted polyamorous connection.  That was your intention.  I don’t think that it can convert.”

The sad thing is that this girl wants to continue an intense relationship with her ex.  My friend is done with her ex.  For right now, I’m done thinking about my friend in any other way than that she needs good friends, who like my climbing partner from Saturday, does not need to be fucked with visa vi a potential love interest.  She has a load of stuff to figure out completely independent of me.  Her mother and mother’s bf loved me.  I’m pretty good with parents in general, and it was nice to meet her mother finally and be part of their home.  I am going to write a Thank You Note to send this am after I have woken up with my coffee.

I can’t believe the wrinkles that get thrown up.  I kept saying that I would prefer not to date another mother if I didn’t have to.  I get that you choose who you date.  But, honestly being on the receiving end of that much attention from a completely beautiful woman was encouraging.  I’m going to email her and I would like to bring her dinner one evening next week before I leave town for my bday.  She doesn’t drink at all, which would probably be a good break for me too.  I am very much looking forward to seeing what is there.

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Hold the phone

I spent time on the swings last March with a beautiful woman.  The activity was sweet and innocent and lovely.  It was such a contrast to things that my ex and I would do.  You know walk her sweet dog while she screamed at her.  Anyway, that whole Sunday fucked me up.  I thought she was beautiful when I met her nine-months earlier, and then time with her was just so easy and she is so good with my son.  She wants kids.  She is four-years younger than me.  Perfect.  I also am very close with one of her best friends from hs, so my knowing her for 15-mos feels like longer.

She is coming over on Sunday.  She is coming over being newly single on Sunday.  I can’t wait to hug her and have dinner and conversation.  I want to get to know her better.  When she came to my church when I spoke, I was so excited.  I thanked her over and over.  I think that she is interested in going to church with me too.  I suppose given that she has spent time with my son, and the fact that I know that she will need some time to get through her relationship ending, it’s probably ok that she continues to spend some time with my son.  I have a natural barrier with that next weekend because we are in the mountains in a cabin with friends next weekend.  I’m just so excited.  It makes Saturday a walk in the park…  Or up a mountain.