Tag Archives: Changes

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Another wake-up call

My girlfriend called me last night and we had a wonderful conversation that was seamless like usual.  I know for a fact that there isn’t anyone who takes me like I am, less her.  I have all of these expectations from everyone, but her.  She just wants me to be myself.  I just want to look at her, learn from her, laugh with her, and have family time.  I’ll take that anytime that I can get it too, and won’t despair when plans have to change because of her capacity or her sons.  Any second that I get with her is a gift.  I just want to be and not to bend the river.  It’s flowing and it’s beautiful.

I’m breaking up with a lot of friends.  My workout partner started doing things that I couldn’t follow and seemed bizarre and like she expected me to meet her needs.  I had to tell her that I needed space.  I’ve taken it, but I had to see her yesterday because I had locked myself out of the house in the morning and wanted my key back.  It was super awkward.  I just don’t want to be anyone’s everything anymore.  I don’t have it.

Another one of my friends says that she is “going through” a lot of shit at work.  I texted her to be grateful to have a job, as I know that many don’t.  I meant that.  Then she said when I called her that I was undermining her.  I was being honest.  I think what has happened is that everyone has these expectations of me either to do some toxic joining, or just listen to the same recycled conversation.  I got this text out of the blue and it was a “feel sorry for me and listen to me bitch” text.  No thanks. She helped me move many loads of dirt to my backyard in 2011.  I appreciated that and I cooked for her three times.  She had gotten that job then, and has always hated it.  She still hates it.  I do think that she should be glad that she is employed.  I finally told her that I would pray for her to find peace and a new job.  I will do that, but I can’t do the toxic and recycled convo anymore.  I just don’t have it in me.

I had gotten stood up at the end of last month by my bday twin.  She took over two weeks to explain that she left her planner at home, and she did it via text.  She wants to get together Sunday.  No thanks.  Who does that?  I texted her sorry that we missed each other, and she explains it now over two-weeks later?  I don’t need that.  Frankly, I’m a lot better off and more balanced when I’m either alone, with my son, joking casually with colleagues, or anytime that I spend with my girlfriend.

I’m going to read all the entries that I have written about her to her, and then ask if that level of detail is ok for me to write.  If it is, I’m putting this blog back up.  If it’s not, I’m going to support my work blog, dog blog, and my son’s old blog and that will be what I do.  I entitled this one “Return,” and think that perhaps my return has lead me into a more introverted self, which is more balanced, and one in which I seek out positive interactions.  I don’t want to do ranting or toxicity, and since the end of 2012, I have not had a toxic approach to love relationships.  I don’t want them in my friendships either.  I’m shifting and becoming the person who I want to be, and it’s one who wants to seek out good.  I don’t want to be mired down by anything that resembles poison.

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Evolution

It was raining hard after work again, but my son and I made the trek to her and her little boys anyway.  It was sad that it took us 50-minutes to get to her, and it only took half that to get back.  I wished that had worked in the other direction.  Just people in cars in the rain, and really heavy end-of-the-week traffic resulted in a later start than either of us wanted.

It made my son cry when her little boys had to get picked up by their Dad.  He doesn’t understand anything but full custody, because he has never had to consider it much.  He sees one my friend’s daughter on my weekends every once in awhile, so he doesn’t think about what she does during the week.  His best friend’s mother has custody of him and his sister–they have a summer and Christmas visit Dad.

For the most part, he LOVED the visit as did I.  They laughed and played so well together.  I told her, “That is really encouraging.  And it’s rare.”  She seemed surprised.  I said, “They should really be vying for our attention.”  Then, I realized, although I didn’t say it, but it’s probably because she and I parent the same way.  Our boys get our undivided attention when we are not cooking or conversing with each other.

She has this cool thing that is a better version of High / Low wherein someone sitting at the dinner table asks someone, “What is your favorite part of the day?  What did you learn today?”  My son likes it, and I do too.  We had great conversations about what aspects of our days went well.

On the way back home, I told him, “You’re right.  I do love her.”  He said, “I do too.  I give you one month to tell her, because you need to say it.”  I told him that the time had to be right in terms of the timing.  He said, “Well, I’m going to say it to her first then.”

We were in her kitchen alone at the end of the night and she spun me around and pushed me up against her sink.  I had just given my son the three-minute warning.  Of course he couldn’t turn off the system he was playing, so we had to stop and that sucked, and then she messed with me a ton by saying kinky stuff to me in double entendre that my son of course could not follow.  Then she climbed up to the loft in her house and lain forward on her stomach peering up to where the tv area is.  I had a perfect, albeit not-so-perfect, view of her while she talked to my son and laughed.  We have a flirtatious and fun dynamic.  She is the sexiest and most intriguing woman I’ve ever been around.

Gone are my days of the crazy-making pacing and the worry that we won’t work.  I’ve done that a bunch.  I know that she and I do work, and we have lots of days to find out how that will shake out.  I don’t want to rush either, and I don’t want to overwhelm or push anything on her.  I really met her at the right time of my life after I had done lots of necessary changing and evolving.

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Who needs to fight?

I told her that I had my quota when she said that I would fight with her in the grocery store.  That’s honest too.  One, why the hell would you fight in the grocery store?  I love food, eating, walking, and she is someone who I love to talk to or simply just hang out with and do whatever.  I’m perverse at times, so I pointed out three different couples who were talking and sauntering about the grocery store.  Finally, as we neared the back of the store yesterday, there was a couple–two girls–who were visibly arguing and having lots of tension in the grocery store.  I wanted to pass them quickly, but she is pretty observant.  So, when I saw her see them, I made a plan.

We exited the aisle and I said, “Ok.  I do realize that was the only gay couple who we’ve seen today and they were fighting,” and then she does what she does.  Her head tilts back and she laughs hard.  It always makes a warm smile drift across my face and most of the time, I start laughing too, or I just hug her.  Then she pulled me to her, kissed me and said, “See?  People fight in the grocery store.”  I told her, “I don’t want to,” but as is the case with her, I had a huge smile across my face.

There is more.  We could have had conflict around my misunderstanding about evenings and dinners–it was something that just didn’t sit well with me earlier in the week–as she was busy all week and we couldn’t see each other easily or could we talk.  Instead, we went outside after 5 on Saturday when the boys were engaged in boy things, and she talked to me about what a team is, and what a new girlfriend is and how it’s always her desire for me to express my needs or just be honest with all of my feelings when I don’t want to do something or simply just can’t easily.  Also, as I guess she just is, she was nakedly vulnerable with me about her last two relationships and what she believes about independence.

So, as it turned out, I didn’t have to have, or even request a discussion.  We just organically talked about where we were with respect to our relationship, and what could be a compromise on seeing each other during the week when it works easily.  OK.  Wow.  I’m sure that some of you have read “discussions” that I had with my ex.  Or should I say my trying to bring things up, and then feeling like I was in a duck and cover drill?

Preparing for fallout (with my ex)

Preparing for fallout (with my ex)

I don’t think it’s realistic for me to try to avoid to make comparisons based on contrast.  She is so different than anyone who I’ve been with over the last four years.  She is easy and genuine, and an enviable adult when it comes to communication.  It think that it’s safe to say that I love this woman, and she has admitted that she thinks that she loves me too.  I can’t wait until there is one of those right moments and I can just say, “I love you.”  Because, I do, and I think that I have met my match.

We wound up making out in her bathroom about three times yesterday.  I was helping her with her hair.  We got really physical.  She is the most affectionate of anyone who I have been with, and that combined with how attracted I am to her makes it difficult not to go further than we should yet.  I love her eyes, mouth, and body.  It’s a wicked attraction, and I’ll admit that I have never been this comfortable with a woman either.  We can talk, we can sit, we can make meals together, or we can have conversations that are rooted in compromise.  I think all of these things make it safe to say that I’m going to be in love for the first time with someone with whom I could make something work.

My Horizon

My Horizon

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Occupational Hazards

I fear the question, “What do you do?” when I’m dating a new woman.  And, I had erroneously thought that my new gf knew what I did, because I have known her for 10-years.  But she didn’t and she said, “Oh.  Wow.  What makes THAT appeal to you?”

There is a gamut of responses:

  1. What am I thinking right now?
  • I actually have no idea, because I’m not clairvoyant

2.  How fucked up are you that you went into that?

  • It’s just what I do for a living because I was interested in psychology

3.  So, do you just diagnose your friends and everyone around you?

  • No, I am not working right now, but now that you mention it, paranoia anyone?

4.  How does it not bother you?

  • In that way, I’m kinda like a guy and when I’m done with work and leave the building or office, I don’t take anything home.

5.  I could NEVER do what you do, because I could not be around people.  How do you do that?

  • I don’t hang out with anyone long who needs group 🙂

However, my career has affected my dating, and I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t.  She and I need to talk.  She is sweet and tender and honestly would never do anything to hurt anyone or is she motivated out of cruelty.  However, because of my ex baggage, that I really need to honor, I crave consistent.  I need some ground rules around it too.  I had to call my workout partner and took a solo walk to take a picture of a tree that had probably 7 different shades of red on it, because at that point I had to clear my head.  How can something that we said on Thursday be a trigger on Monday morning?  No one is born knowing how to treat you, and when you have conflict you are equally culpable for engaging in it.

My workout partner said, “______ , you have had a really bad day, so that’s effecting the situation.  And you know stuff that is going to come up because of _____ , so you don’t have to tell that whole story, but as stuff comes up, you owe it to both of you to talk through those things so they can improve.  Don’t jump to conclusions.  Have a conversation.”

I realized that although I took two months longer than what relationship and family therapists say you should take after a relationship that because I have had no relationship, I had no idea what would be triggered in a new one.  What I mean is that I was with my ex off and on for 15-months and I didn’t kiss anyone or even seriously consider a girl for nine-months, so I just needed a new relationship to see what has affected me longterm.  I did wait more than half the time of our whole relationship, but I had to be in relationship to see what I have become.

Well, now I go to how WYSIWYG you are right away.  And that’s not it.  My artist has been naked vulnerable about who she is and what goes on for her.  It’s really my turn to tell some of that, which will include the impact of the only two times that I have been in love.  I guess that I’ll start that convo here.

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Communication and “Stuff”

I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships.  However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well.  There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.

My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest.  It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway.  I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself.  I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.”  I digress.

To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.

My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend.  I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet.  I had left my cell in my car.  While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to  hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone.  I called the restaurant.  I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights.  She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.”  She is a big promiser.  It’s just her thing.

With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly.  For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July.  She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer.  That’s good.  Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking.  I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming.  I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.

In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too.  So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.”  All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general.  Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.”  I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on.  She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.

We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird.  She cussed and used exclamation points via text.  TRIGGER.  I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES.  I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair.  One time that I cancelled.  I’m not getting into that.  Space is better.

I can’t text fight.  I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points.  I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids.  These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012.  I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate.  I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her.  It was toxic.  (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house.  She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy.  I actually said, “I’m not ____ .”  I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)

I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house.  I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work.  After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked.  She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.”  I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.

I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves.  That is just me.  I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back.  When you run, those get really tight and defined.  I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy.  After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game.  We laughed hard.

Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach.  I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship.  I told her that I waited for her.  After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared.  She told me, which is good.  But what I don’t get is why it scared her.  She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.”  OK.  Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it.  OK.  She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating.  OK.  So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.

What was my result?  I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work.  So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike.  That helped.  Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more.  I just need to have this tough conversation.  It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment.  I don’t know how to have these conversations.  I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship.  My ex has fucked me up and I let her.

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Truly new

My ex finally removed me (and for the fourth time) off of FB.  She also took off my cousin and my close friends.  I may at some point take off the three women from the bday trip that we took last fall, but it’s nice to know that she won’t look at anything related to me.  She didn’t block me this time around, but maybe she can leave it alone.  I hope that she does understand that you can’t treat anyone like complete shit and say horrible things to her and expect that you’ll be friends.  I have no interest in a big shot who thinks that she is better than everyone and really seems to have an entourage of minions.

So, I’m starting something new and it’s going slowly.  We cuddled in church–my son was in Sunday school–and then my son sat between us when he came out during prayers.  They are teaching him The Lord’s Prayer.  He had a workbook when he came out that my artist looked through.  She is so great with boys and has a way of listening to children that is enviable.  She’s kind and gentle in addition to being so striking.  She almost made me turn red saying something a little dirty to me, and then I was struck that she would make reference to something kinky in church.  I am going to have to get my brain around a lot of things before I make love to her.  She’s genuinely intimidating.

I don’t know when I’ll see her.  I don’t even want to go out of town to climb mountains this weekend for my birthday, because it has really gotten cold.  If I don’t have an audience in my office today, I’ll call the B & B over the lunch hour and ask how much snow they got.  I’d rather see my artist a couple of times, and write and clean.

That’s what I think happened.  I think that I got on top of some of the highest points in North America starting in July, and then I put out my intentions into the mountain air.  I also think that since February of 2012, when I kept saying that I wanted a kind and gentle girlfriend, that began what I would seek.  Should I read through previous entries, I know that there are other things that I put “out into the universe” as they say.  Now, I am scared and should have a friend say to me, “Be careful what you wish for.”

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Bam

I just don’t have those slow, organic developments.  I don’t.  Girls and I just tend to know what we would like.  The big difference now is that after the girl from last summer and I had our thing for a second in July of 2012, and then all her lies started unraveling, I realized that I need to know someone’s friends and they have to know mine before we hook up.  That was my mistake with her, but I also think that I didn’t feel that mutual chemical bam also means something.

My artist told me via email that the only time that she saw herself looking the way she does once before, as she in the picture that was snapped by one of my hs friends at the wedding Saturday.  It was apparently when she knew that she was in love with a man who she later married and had two kids with after she could no longer hide her affection for him.  Wow.  I haven’t ever been that flattered.

Now I’ve got two days to pretend like I can easily sleep and feel stable driving dinner over to her house.  She writes like I do.  She loves music and reading.  I think that I kinda could feel that.  I have obviously looked at and been impressed with her paintings, but when my workout partner asked what I wanted, I said, “I want to snuggle under a huge, fuzzy blanket and watch movies.”  That is how I feel about her.  She is so beautiful, and definitely funny and cracks jokes, but I just want some time to share with her.

I get that chance on Thursday.  I don’t want to ask stupid things like, “What are you looking for?”  I’d rather reflect on our energy.  There is a lot of sexual energy there, but I also liked when we were laughing and joking on the back deck too.  I didn’t think that this year would end with no connection, but I had no idea that it would end with a chance to quickly fall in love.  I am ever-amazed with the beauty and the seeming lack of predictability in life.  I’ll write again on Friday morning.

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You haven’t got it so figured out

I had a wonderful day Saturday completing the summit with the woman with whom I had an emotional affair.  She and I talked incredibly easy regardless of elevation gain, and she is the most suited climbing companion that I’ve ever had.  That’s sad.  We talked through the pointed flirtation at several intervals after the summit.  I held her twice when I dropped her off and told her that I wouldn’t mess with her and that she needs to get her shit together.  We are super compatible.  We talk, joke, laugh, are both inappropriate–especially in terms of our sense of humor, both love kids and working with them as our primary clients, we are both highly energetic, have good vocabularies and think that being outside and then following it up with a beers and a burger is one of the best things that there is.  We talked more about the lack of us on the way back down.  I told her that it didn’t matter how compatible we were, and if we made this–whatever-the-hell it is–into physical that it would not only be immoral, but it would wind up fucking both of us up big time and diminish the level of connection that we have and what could be.

Then, I came home and made a cool mountain album to put up on FB and got ready, because I was going to a wedding.  It was the coolest wedding that I had ever attended as well.  It’s not because the Governor officiated it, it was because it was short, sweet, simple, and outside the couple’s home with the block sectioned off so that street performers could perform and we could eat BBQ and drink microbrews.  There were probably 300 people there.  One of my best friends who is like a sister to me has a friend who is a talented artist.  I had been to one of her art shows last year.  I guess that she said to my friend, “Are you with ______ ?” and she said, “Don’t you think I would have told you if I started seeing a WOMAN?  No, we have been friends for years.”  She said, “Oh, well, I think she is really hot.”  That was so flattering.  She is magazine quality beautiful.  She pulled me out to dance, which I hate, but she eventually let me off the hook.

We didn’t flirt overtly or out-of-control, but we had an intensity.  One of my friends from high school who knows both the bride and groom as well asked me yesterday morning if this woman was in love with me.  I told her flatly and easily, “No, but I am not sure who I will wind up actually dating next.”  She texted more and eluded to the level of sexual chemistry that could be felt when we were sitting with each other.  So, what am I going to do?  I’m going to email her this morning.  She has four boys.  She is a talented artist.  She has had pain in her past.  She looks like the child of Jane Seymour and Audrey Hepburn, and it was highly flattering to have her express interest in me.  It made yesterday very interesting too!  At least I won’t skip any workouts anymore 😉

After my friend from the swings got out of church, she called me.  We had a wonderful and good conversation.  However, the breakup with her gf does not even approximate clean.  They did an open relationship before ending their relationship, and the woman with whom she had the polyamorous connection is now pursuing her exclusively, but indirectly has shared that she will likely sleep with her ex for always.  I haven’t been down that exact road, but I know that I am not cut out for open.  I like stability in relationship and not wondering why I don’t give someone enough.  I’m smart enough and have been in enough classes to understand that sexual experiences and intimacy vary for everyone, but when she said, “We will have to be different now,” I did tell her “I don’t think that is possible.  You started off with only a sexual foundation and found each other seeking an open experience.  Also, the intention that you put out in the universe was that you a wanted polyamorous connection.  That was your intention.  I don’t think that it can convert.”

The sad thing is that this girl wants to continue an intense relationship with her ex.  My friend is done with her ex.  For right now, I’m done thinking about my friend in any other way than that she needs good friends, who like my climbing partner from Saturday, does not need to be fucked with visa vi a potential love interest.  She has a load of stuff to figure out completely independent of me.  Her mother and mother’s bf loved me.  I’m pretty good with parents in general, and it was nice to meet her mother finally and be part of their home.  I am going to write a Thank You Note to send this am after I have woken up with my coffee.

I can’t believe the wrinkles that get thrown up.  I kept saying that I would prefer not to date another mother if I didn’t have to.  I get that you choose who you date.  But, honestly being on the receiving end of that much attention from a completely beautiful woman was encouraging.  I’m going to email her and I would like to bring her dinner one evening next week before I leave town for my bday.  She doesn’t drink at all, which would probably be a good break for me too.  I am very much looking forward to seeing what is there.

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Hold the phone

I spent time on the swings last March with a beautiful woman.  The activity was sweet and innocent and lovely.  It was such a contrast to things that my ex and I would do.  You know walk her sweet dog while she screamed at her.  Anyway, that whole Sunday fucked me up.  I thought she was beautiful when I met her nine-months earlier, and then time with her was just so easy and she is so good with my son.  She wants kids.  She is four-years younger than me.  Perfect.  I also am very close with one of her best friends from hs, so my knowing her for 15-mos feels like longer.

She is coming over on Sunday.  She is coming over being newly single on Sunday.  I can’t wait to hug her and have dinner and conversation.  I want to get to know her better.  When she came to my church when I spoke, I was so excited.  I thanked her over and over.  I think that she is interested in going to church with me too.  I suppose given that she has spent time with my son, and the fact that I know that she will need some time to get through her relationship ending, it’s probably ok that she continues to spend some time with my son.  I have a natural barrier with that next weekend because we are in the mountains in a cabin with friends next weekend.  I’m just so excited.  It makes Saturday a walk in the park…  Or up a mountain.

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The long haul

On Sunday, I was sitting in the pew with the woman who I had the two-day emotional affair wherein one of the men who had been out at a church fundraiser the night before came over.  I apologized for teasing his friend what was then, last night.  He said, “Oh, you mean my wife?  No problem.”  I asked how long they had been married and he said, “Sixteen-years.”  The women who I was sitting with and I reacted as if we were impressed with the number.  After reflecting this morning, I realized that had I stayed in the land of repression and just accepted that I was married to a friend who really didn’t have an ounce of ambition, I would have been married for 15-years this fall, and I’m way younger than this man.

I made it nine-years.  I got tired of being breadwinner, motivator, and not being allowed to do things that I wanted to do because he wanted to sit around and do very little.  One time he didn’t work for eight-months and didn’t make a single meal, but managed to cut down the apple tree that was next to the Master bedroom.  You don’t need my degree to figure that one out.

I think that everyone wants someone who is a good companion to him or her.  I think, too, that everyone would like to have arms wrapped around them in passion or simply in warm exchange.  I don’t think that those aspects in a love relationship are too much to ask either, but I think that when the foundation was shaky or simply only built on sex, that it tends to fade off, and then you notice chewing with mouth open, or that you don’t help with dishes after dinner, etc.

I have a host of habits that I think some of which have changed that annoyed my ex.  She is a neat freak, so she cleans stuff up in fervor.  One time her pitching everything out included my favorite stocking cap that I eventually found buried in her garbage.  I thought that my son threw it out.  Then, because it had only been just under three-months, I began to note the bulldozer of disposal that ensued when she didn’t have house guests any longer.  It was like ridding herself of others.  She also didn’t like that sometimes I get excited when people share a story and I either punctuate it or ask questions that can change what is being told.

My ex called me in July and I listened passively.  When there was a really long pause I said, “That’s funny.”  I do think that a good outcome is that I listen more fully, and with the exception of my workout partner, I don’t punctuate convo anymore.  I guess it’s rude.  She actually just says the same things all the time, and they are devoid of emotion, “Good job,” and “Way to go,” are really the only things that she says in affirmation.

I would have grown really tired of my imperfections and quirks being thrown in my face and being so religiously criticized.  I don’t miss her at all.  We don’t have similar views on much of anything.

Now, I’m left with very few choices, so I require a new pool.  I don’t want someone morally compromised, I don’t want to sleep with a liar, and I don’t want to chase either.  I asked out a mother last month, and I asked out a girl that I met on an outing on Meetup too.  Both expect me to pursue and not just ask out and then see.  That is not my thing.  I like the one-on-one connected conversation over a beer or on a hike.  I don’t want to chase in hopes of something developing, because it’s not me.  Something will happen when it’s meant to, and it will be something that is meant to last.

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Approach

You have to approach a summit with care and planning.  Further, you have to recognize where you were and how far that you’ve come when you climb a mountain or simply make changes in your life.

I did a hike with one of my friends yesterday that I had not done in 5-years, and it is funny that I remember the last legs of it being very different than it was.  Some of it could be in part due to the fact that I did my first summit alone.  But, who really knows why it was so different yesterday than my memory of it was. Is it because I know how to watch and go forward with planning of my next steps?  Is it because it was my first and I’ve done 13 others now?  Is it because it’s just not all that scary and I’ve gotten accustomed to making summits? I don’t know. The metaphor is good though. I certainly haven’t always been careful or have I planned everything.

I know now what I seek, based on where I’ve been, and I’m good enough on my own not to engage in something that will yield nothing for me or my son.  I realize that is a selfish interest, but I try each day to give back and approach with good will everyone who I run into so as to share the gifts that I have, and express my gratitude.

I was sitting in a salon that is new to me to get an expensive as hell haircut last Tuesday night.  I was a little tired, and the new gay male stylist (new to me!) was running late.  I didn’t want to read the article that I knew I’d have to put in my proposal by three the next day, so I was half-heartedly looking at magazines on the table next to me but had not picked up any of them.  I saw a thick dining guide for our city and the neighboring university town.  I thought of my ex partner. She abuses alcohol, but when she is not drinking or just having one or two, she is the best companion over a meal or walking around looking at art. So?  I snapped a shot of the magazine cover and emailed her.  In it told her that when I see things like that, I miss her tons.  She didn’t get back to me until a day later, but we had an authentic, well-connected, and warm series of interactions.  I think that she is still in love with me.  Although, I was never actually in love with her, I love her like a friend and still do, but I wouldn’t want to ever get involved with a woman who is addicted to anything.

That’s a lesson yielded from this now 6-year journey of being single. There are times when you just need to push through lots of pain and there are times when you just need to sit and wonder.  I’ve had little hook-ups or stints that yielded nothing but that it is possible to eventually be able to have an orgasm from someone other than who you thought was the love or your life, and it’s good to learn to make red enchillada sauce from scratch.

There may be some things that you engage in too, that don’t yield much of anything. I just am.  I know that I will have a more complete family some time in the future.  I love yesterday and am grateful for climbing, connection, loving interactions with my son, and hearing him say to one of his good friends two Moms, “We are all going out then as a family.”  That innocence and pure love makes me hopeful for what the next legs of this journey shall bring.

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And I can be taught!

I want to meet up with one of my friend’s best friends, but she is another mother (dammit) so that makes scheduling a complete nightmare.  I want to grab a couple of beers with her and sit across the table with her and if I can feel it, I want to go on a long hike with her, and then, we shall see.  I love sequences and rules.  I have arrived at what will work for me, and know that these kind of things don’t work for everybody, but I wanted to write about what I have learned.

My new set came about in 2010 when I started having SERIOUS reservations about going exclusive with the girl I met in the bar in 2009 who turned out to be a complete alcoholic.  I kept asking her if she really believed that your FB or one-night stand could actually become your gf?  Maybe for a lot of girls, the answer is “Yes,” but mine filled me with such caution and I guess that I never fully believed if she had not moved that she would have kept our psuedo relationship open, and including the bi-curious str8 girl who she worked with.  I knew, definitively, that we would never be long-termers when my son and I tried to spend two weeks with her over Christmas.  At that point, I told my best friend from grad school that she and I just couldn’t ever be compatible.  The catches with her were the trips and plane tickets already bought and paid for in 2011.  I kept seeing her, and knew that I shouldn’t.  I talked to her about our shelf life all the time too, but that was dangerous to do with a drunk.

I realized that the way that you start out with a girl really does matter.  This particular ex used to tell me all the time, “Don’t fall in love with me,” and I never did.  I did begin to love her, but I feel love toward good friends as well.  It was terrible that she fell in love with me, because then she told me that I was her key to a stable and full life.  At that point, I was beginning my personal financial issues, and associated problems so she told me everything that I wanted to hear.  I was convinced.  For a time period anyway.

Now, I know, Lesson #1 The way that you begin a relationship, will be the way that the relationship ends

When I turned 37, I was so glad to be completely free of her, and had a plan when I would fly in October to the state where she now lived, and was thrilled that my best friend from grad school would pick me up.  I was on top of the world late that September.  So wonderful was it to be completely single, and I also found a church that I love and continue to go to. I figured that my next gf would grow from connections with those in my church community; however, upon reflecting on that idea, I realize that the congregation is too much older than me, and is also full of gay men, so that’s pretty unlikely.  I never expected to go to a BBQ and meet my most recent ex’s best friend.  It had only been about ten-days since I last slept with my ex when I exchanged emails with my most recent ex.  Honestly, I had sex several times with the drunk because I am pragmatic, and I figured that I would enter a long dry spell.  It turned out to be no dry spell and insta-relationship.  She seemed so different than the drunk that it just “felt right,” and as a consequence, I learned another big lesson.

Lesson #2 No matter how right a girl feels, you need to know her and hang out for awhile before sex

And after all, she is a top sales and marketing professional.  Those kind of folks live and breathe “closing deals,” “showing a side that appeals to others,” and “talking in ways that ignite emotions.”  All of it is a sales pitch, and does not have a shred of truth or authenticity.  I only wish that I had seen her talk to her employees prior to us sleeping together for a month!  That would have ended any amorous feelings that I had for her prior to the dopamine hits and the elixir of passion, which do highjack anyone’s mind.

My most recent ex was also the complete master of make-up / break-up.  She could do it so much better than anyone in the world, actually.  I don’t think that I will ever have another girl who I am interested in do push and pull so well.  So when this tiny girl reached across the guy that I was talking to at a friend’s going-away, I was given some pause.  This girl was INTO me.  That never changed and had not changed five-months ago when she called me and wanted to see me.

So we hung out for five-weeks.  I made her meals, bought her beers, talked and complained about my ex (who I was still very much in love with at the time), we climbed a mountain once, and talked to on the phone as well.  We dated for a little bit after I got drunk one night and was taken with how she knew word-for-word all the lyrics to any song at a karaoke joint.  I do like smart.  However, as her lies were being slowly revealed and she felt guilty about them, I began to see who she really was.  Actually, I think that she realized that I was back at work and that, then, she should be going back to work, but would not be doing so and I would be onto her games, so she just had to tell me.  I had arrived at my final lesson before 40 that I follow to this day.

Lesson #3 We need to hang out with each other’s friends

I want to know your friends, and you need to see the level of support and care that I provide to mine.  I love my friends, and am honestly one of those people who does everything for them.  I love connecting over music and food and going on outdoor adventures.  I laugh hard with my friends all the time and would have been a mess during this very long dry spell without their support as well.  They are honestly my family, and even when we disagree, we can move through conflict well and still have each other’s backs.

So, we shall see if we meet for beers.  I would like to start slowly and mindfully.  I met her in June, and have heard about her for over a year.  I know her best friend, and do outdoor stuff with her best friend’s partner who I adore.  It would be really simple for me to host a patio party in the next few weeks and have them and other friends at the party.  I can follow my rules

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New Story

That’s what I keep telling every girl who I am close to currently.  I don’t have anything to report, and everyone who asks me, as I’ve been back at my full-time gig this week, is quite surprised that I am not dating and don’t have anyone in the queue.  I just want to have new story.  I’m over all the shit with my ex and just find her really disingenuous, but it’s such old news.  I haven’t seen her since the end of February, and haven’t had sex since mid-December.

Those twinges are really things to miss as though, as are looking into a girl’s eyes when you wake up in the morning.  And let’s face it, when you first start dating someone, it is simply just fun and inspiring.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life.  I have gotten on the top of six different mountain tops this July.  I worked out with my workout partner on Monday, and then climbed a mountain with her, my new dear friend, and my cycling partner (who I worked out with today).  I am drinking my all-time favorite beer and writing for pleasure before I eat a late dinner.

However, aren’t we all tending toward looking for a story to tell?  Those heart-racing, soul-consuming, and dirty flirting things that you can say to another?  I can’t wait for my new story.

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Gearing up

I’ve been climbing mountains with my time.  Now, I have to write all day and don’t know if I can join my workout partner at a fitness festival tomorrow morning, because my son has been really tired.  I don’t think that I should get him up around sunrise on a Saturday.  I can watch them, but seven-year-olds really need their sleep.

Because I have wanted to feel connected to nature, I have seen a few sunrises far from home in the last three weeks.  Additionally, I walked around the peaks of two new mountains for me, and one of which is the highest point in our state.  Also, I went back up to peaks that I had previously climbed which are adjacent.  I had done one first in 2009, and then repeated it with both of the peaks being summited in 2010, so it was cool to go back up with one of the newer friends who I have.  You really bond on a climb, and we did.  Here is how my views have been as of late:

Taking a picture doesn't really do this kind of scenery justice

Taking a picture doesn’t really do this kind of scenery justice

I am going to meet 11 new girls on Sunday.  When I was first out of my str8 marriage, I hiked with my son with some of those groups and then last summer I played kickball.  I didn’t meet anyone of lasting interest and the latter caused my to blow my right quad, which I still have some issues with when I climb or walk long distances.  (I just couldn’t NOT kick the hardest pitches from a frat boy type of asshole, so I paid.)  However, I am hopeful that this group will yield some new people to hang out with for my last few days of vacation and into my fall.

My workout partner met one of my guy friends last week.  We had a lil’ BBQ and drinks on my back patio.  She is going out on a date with him tonight.  I am also orchestrating at least one, if not two, other meet and greets with guys who I know over the next several weeks.  She had a shitty experience with a guy from our gym–he is super hot, but is a drunk–and then a very scary thing happen early in the summer with one of our colleagues.  I guess some of these meetings; although, she asked to meet my guy friends, are like big sister protection.

My ex called me early last week, and it was very odd.  She said that she wanted to know how my summer was going and then she told me about a prank that she played on her friends.  I would never do something that could potentially scare someone as a joke.  I crack them all the time, but they are never at someone’s expense unless I really have that dynamic with someone who also teases me.  I also don’t make scenes, because I don’t like directed attention unless I am speaking for my profession, but then there is that “professional distance.”  I had been introduced to my ex via an old colleague who knew my ex’s best friend.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday and I said, “I guess she wants to be my friend.”  She said quickly, “______ , she doesn’t want to be your friend.  She is obsessed with the way that things were left and that there is someone in this world who does not have a favorable impression of her.”

That was interesting.  How can you think that if you are literally constantly giving negative feedback to your girlfriend or making slights and underhanded comments to her that you will leave it well?  Are you kidding?  When I was talking to my colleague, I told her that there was nothing that I could do well either, and she would always tell me how she was good at the same things or the best at them.  Now, I do get that her athletic abilities will always surpass mine, but I don’t care.  I don’t compete against anyone, and simply want to fit my sense of things, and I don’t have standards that require me to take chances.  I have turned around without making a summit four times in five-years, and walked around several obstacles at both of my adventure races.  I don’t have a sense of myself which requires me to prove anything.  I also don’t control anyone.  I don’t have that need.

Impressions that you give others result from your interactions.  With distance, I get that had I stayed with my ex that all my behaviors would have been attempted to be controlled and that if I did something, she would have to do it better.  In fact, there were things that she simply wouldn’t try, because she didn’t do them perfectly.  Last year my birthday trip required about a mile-and-a-half of steep hiking.  I climb up four to ten times that amount of distance and at much more pronounced levels of elevation gain as a hobby, so it felt like nothing even with camping gear.  One of her friends said, “Wow, ______ , you are just bombing up there.”  It was only until recently that I realized that is probably why she flatly refused to hike with me, and that is because it’s something that I do more, so I can do it.  Wow.

She can call me.  I’ll probably answer her calls if I’m not doing anything.  I won’t call her.  I won’t interact with her by choice either.  I made my peace with thanking her for the four things that she imparted to me.  I will not romanticize what is only a good show that lasted three-months and then the year-long fallout, which resulted as I actually began to know who she was and how she shows up in the world.

I can be persnickety.  I am not overly friendly with new people; although, I am helpful.  Even as an extrovert, I watch and observe before I make decisions.  I also like things that I do a certain way–especially food.  There have been times in my life that I have been attracted to toxic people.  They will join with you when you are feeling badly, but now I want to seek out positive interactions.  I don’t want to be around any poison.  I am looking forward to meeting some positive girls tomorrow and connecting to new people in a slow, organic way.  I’m done with extremity and fervor.

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Working

I have been working way too much this week.  It will reach 60-hours.  I finish up my class on Sunday.  So, today in between some house repairs, running a carpet cleaner at my parent’s house, and paying some bills, I have got to go to the university to computer score two personality inventories, and I still have to write three reports.

I was child-free last night after my son’s game and meeting with my pastor about my sermon next Sunday, but I couldn’t go out.  My son brought home a simply hideous virus that is mostly just in my throat now, but there was a period of time that I had eaten two granola bars and quinoa salad; although, it’d been over two days.  Although I have hardwoods, I didn’t want to do what my son had done on the carpet at my parent’s house.  It’s been a helluva week.

I think that things are shifting for me though.  I would like to go out tonight and have a glass of wine.  I had to cancel my outdoor rock climbing class on Saturday because I’ve been too sick.  I have a beer festival though.  🙂  I’ll need to print those tickets tomorrow morning too.  I don’t have a client until 10. I told my roommate, who is NEVER home, that I don’t date anymore, but I pair down.  What I do is hang out, work out, go to my friend’s houses for dinner and such, or just meet other’s friends and kick around.  It’s like information mining.  Only my friends know that I’m ready to settle down.  Organic is my approach, and the last few girls have been easily eliminated as possible love interests after a little data gathering.

Shane was supposed to call my son last night, but I didn’t turn out having him.  I moved it until next Tuesday.  So, she’s been “going to call him” since January, and it’s going to be July.  Nice.  It’s more odd to me that she affects this close relationship fantasy.  She spent two weekends and two sustained weeks with him 2.5-years ago.  And the latter killed her.  She cried, she raged, she wouldn’t have sex with me for 6-days, and of course, she drank like a fish.  But, I always say, and I mean this statement, “People are doing the best with what they got.”  She can jump out of airplanes, but she doesn’t have 24-7 resolve to parent.  She can be an aunt who drops in and out.

I think that I mentioned that I had a good conversation with Bette.  I think that she will get to a point in the next two years when she can really start to address her moods.  She still says that now that she has had a year’s space from her grief that she is doing well, but in a same breath she can scratch the surface with the hurt that she has over her two older kids who don’t talk to her anymore.  I think that those demons will have to be addressed, and if I had to bet, I’d say that they will be in time.  That’s her journey though.

I’ve been writing about my brother.  He’d be thirty this year…  I can remember a lot of things about him, and always wonder what he’d be like now.  It’s a story that I’ve never really told in total, and now I’ll be telling it to a handful of people who I know, and others who are part of my church, the whole story.  It’s an exercise in being vulnerable.  That is good for me.  I’m on a track that is doing the best with what I got.

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Plague of insomnia

I have been with a headache for days and I think that it’s attributable to the fires.  I hate summer fires.  I took one of the evil meds, which seemed to work for sometime, but then got me all fatigued and tired, so I went to bed early.  I should be writing a report, and I may do that after I blog.  I just can’t sleep though.

Scrubs is something else.  I ran next to her–I was supposed to show her some weight forms at her athletic club–and we talked.  So, she has this ex who she really wants to settle down and make a life with, and I’ve seen pictures of her and she’s hot.  Also, superficially they seem to make sense.  She still does stuff with her, but has been put in the “undefined” queue a few months ago.  (I promise myself to tell a girl to fuck off if she ever says that bullshit to me again.)  It’s obvious how much she likes her though, but she has been going out on all kinds of dates with all kinds of people, and recently had a nice one with a man.  I told her, and I mean this, “If you can do that, it’s infinitely simpler, more conventional, and easier on the whole for others to ‘take.'”

When we went upstairs to the free weights, I did show her the forms, but she was interrupting me and talking and commenting.  Maybe it’s because she had to watch because it’s not good to do cardio on days that you lift, so I was simply illustrating the forms, but she was getting on my nerves.  I told her that she was a pain-in-the-ass.  She had talked to this girl before we started.  I’ve seen this girl out over the past few years.  After I ran through what this day of weights looked like, she talked to her at length again. When we got to the car later, she told me that she and that girl had a fling last summer.  I quickly did the math.  WTF?!?  I asked, “How does that work out?  I met your other fling on my bday trip in early fall…”  Then I realized that in addition to now-undefined girl, and trip girl, she was also doing gym girl.  AMAZING.  She can keep track of a lot, and seems to be a very good juggler.

Then I noticed her thin upper lip.  How she is wrinkling around her eyes very heavily, and that her teeth are pretty big and fairly crooked.  I guess I know what I’m doing with Scrubs…  I’m making a new friend who I can hang out with when I don’t have much to do.  She is TROUBLE.  When you see trouble, your brain makes her less attractive.  Thank you self-protection.

Then there are the entourage of the heavy drinking and sometimes fighting girls.  I’ll see one of them at the end of next week for stuff in my house.  That’s about all I want to do with them.  I don’t want a friendship with any of them, and when you are fighting with your partner and that gets pinned on me, and I didn’t KNOW you two weeks ago, I think, “It’s time for twelve steps.”

Everyone is doing the very best with what they’ve got.  It amazes me that what many do have is a path to destroy themselves and create pain.  I think that years ago, I would have tried to support these people in their internal struggles.  But, that’s the thing… Their choices are theirs, and they get what they need from making them.  However, I don’t have to get entangled in their choices with them by sleeping with any of them.  I think the clinical term is joining.  I don’t need to do that.  I’m holding out for true connection, excellent conversation, and health.

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Much improved

Monday pretty much sucked.  I also had a potassium fall and my left bicep was twitching all to hell.  I just have determined that no one should be electrocuted.  Very glad that I finished the event on Saturday night, but won’t do it again.  I like our little local 5-mile adventure race, and now that I know what to expect, I want to get a good time on that one next year.  No electric shocks and not running up blacks (ski hill) = more manageable.

Tuesday I actually even got a little work done.  Had some need to text Bette because I finished that race well.  So, now I’m going to have to write two more reports and then go to the art supply store for work tonight.  Wish that I would have slept more, but not really complaining.

I’m in my 4th month of continuing not to date.  I have been completely celibate for six-months as of Saturday when I did the race challenge.  I think that NOT dating takes up less energy and when you have a little flirtation mixed with possibility for fun hang outs.  It yields that you don’t have very much expectation.  I took a walk with my cycling partner yesterday, and I told her that I have no idea what Scrubs and I are doing.  I also reiterated to her that she needs to find out what she’s doing with her ex before I would even consider kissing her.  I am teaching her how to complete my Day A weights on Thursday.  I look forward to hugging her.

Lez Children must be avoided.  Pride Sunday was really strange and I told my workout partner that I felt like I was in a throwback to five-years ago when I was newly out.  I just don’t do well drinking all day, and it frankly reminds me of my relationship with Shane as well.  Not enough goals and things that make you happy, imho, if you prefer to pound alcohol the ENTIRE day.

I haven’t had a summit yet.  I would like to get one of those one.  I think that I want to plan a climb on July 3rd.  I’m not even sure which one yet.  I’ve only done eleven and think that if I can fine jumping off platforms, I can increase exposure.

I have only Bette to thank for this level of fitness, so I did so.  Then she said that she wanted to send me pictures of her race, and I said no thanks.  She sent me some school stuff from her son.  I do miss him.  He is a cool kid.

Pre-screening is the only thing that I will do while I am NOT dating.  I don’t want to get involved with a woman in anyway that’s physical unless I really know her.  Then you can ignore things under the pretense of “getting to know you,” because you are already getting o’s and all the dopamine.  No more of that for me.  It may mean that I’m single for a year or two, and that is just fine by me.  I don’t want to gamble or be an ex collector.

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Anticlimatic

I remember graduating from college, finishing my first fully empirical research in 2000–which I presented in 2001 as a paper–and giving a seminar that I wrote to all special providers who do not conduct intelligence testing, and I feeling like, “What next?”  I think that when you do complete something which involves lots of steps and preparation, at the end of it, you do rather wonder what it meant and why it is, indeed, done.

I dove under barrels in a five-foot deep muddy water pit and hoped that I had cleared them so I could dive under the next one when I was in freezing water.  I was electrocuted and felt one shock run down the length of my left side to my foot.  I ran up a halfpipe that was greased and caught the hands of two men who I don’t know, and being so dense (hehe), they had to get their buddy in the middle to pull me up.  The “race” wasn’t actually about time, but it was more about finishing something completely stupid to say that I had done so.  I looked like a cutter at the party and the bar last night.  I’m covered in weird lacerations and am bruised everywhere.

The funny thing is, at this point, I am just really proud that I did it.  We have a 10K, and what I would like to do most is get my finishing time reigned in to be a good time.  Again, I will just be setting new goals.  When you have your health, and you stay fit and vital, your “endings” are really more guideposts for your next “first.”  I don’t want to stop running, but I will only do so once or twice a week.  When I race, I want optimal performance for me that won’t be compared to anyone, but me.  I don’t feel anticlimatic about anything related to the race or my future events.

I’m going to end this entry talking about Pride.  Again, I had wonderful conversations with people out and about, but didn’t get to talk to the one very hot girl who was with a couple of her friends.  Definitely my physical type, but probably very young and maybe bi or just newly out.  No problem.  The pool party, however, was a MAJOR problem.  Those girls have a relationship characterized by fighting, and they basically sit and drink all day–and then one goes into their bedroom and sleeps.  Not my thing.  I don’t want a girl like that or do I want to be around anyone (even friends) who thinks fun is drinking all day.

Being outside, connecting to my friends, learning new physical activities, and being me is what I want to do.  I’m feeling solid this summer and love where I am.  Nothing is particularly shifted, but that yields balance.

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“Battle Scars”

Such an incredible video. I love these lyrics too.

Today, it is way less about ending a bad relationship for me. This post is more derivative of the cuts, bruises, swelling, and lacerations that are all over my body after my crazy race challenge yesterday. Here is to being able to walk around Pride!

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Been there

About five-years ago, I was in my emotional shoot-out stage.  You know where anything sounds good and you’d do anyone who gives you some attention.  I had a friend, who incidentally I saw a few months ago, who used to put on a leather panama hat and use a bullwhip, and I guess that many of us were ok getting naked for her.  I wouldn’t have sex with her, but there was a wild, drunken night at my house in the summer of 2008.  I remember that my now roommate cried in my basement about that, because she wanted to date me.  Turns out, I didn’t really want to date anyone and it would be six more months before I let any girl do anything below my waist with me, and that was my cowgirl with the incredible body, but bad voice and teeth.

My workout partner thinks that the woman who I met while trying to get a cushion redone and my blind fixed wants to get me naked with her partner in their pool.  I think that is really hot to think about, but I won’t do much in that scenario.  Mainly because that time has passed for me and went out with the bullwhip episode.  I’m still intrigued about their party and their “friend.”  So, we shall see.

I’m going to call Lonely Girl, Scrubs.  It’s dangerous, but so is this blog.  Scrubs texted me yesterday.  I was at the Credit Union so I just called her.  She wanted to chat too and was going to work late and drinking coffee on her stoop.  We had a nice convo.  I’m just not sure about her.  I need more time to get to know her.  I’m not really completely attracted to her, and I think that she senses that, but I do like her dimples and her legs.  I should take her on a proper date.  I need to hike and bike with her a few times, and then maybe will do that.  That is if I’m not attracted to the Designer and her girl’s friend.

I am also fine with status quo.  I get kind of ready for some action every once and awhile, but I don’t want action that is casual.  I want to really know well the next girl who I wake up with in the morning, or can’t sleep next to until I am completely exhausted and the sun is rising.

 

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Meanwhile…

Back at the drapery store or ranch…  My workout partner and I went to run today, and there was a class for seniors going on in the weight room until 10:30.  We took a small walk outside and dodged running sprinklers as best as we could.  When we got home, she wasn’t hungry, but I was so I ate about six-servings of the quinoa salad that I had made with roasted asparagus and Italian green olives.  It was a little gross and I will definitely need to run later, but not until after the plumber fixes (hopefully) my floor drain issue.

Our dog had shredded our sun shades in the livingroom several months ago, and the assembly was a nightmare to get taken down, but my intern and my workout partner helped me.  Then I took the cushion whose top has become sun faded and the blind to the drapery store.  This turn is where the mundane gets interesting.

I was asking the guy sitting at the counter in the drapery store how my blinds could be fixed and he told me flatly, “They can’t.”  Nice social skills, pal.  I decided to talk to a white dog playing in the store instead of him, and the woman who I believe owns this store came to help me.  I believe that this was the same woman who had helped me when I recovered my favorite recliner.  She said that I wouldn’t want the old rails on it anyway, so why didn’t I just match the blinds as best as I could.  So, I started working with her instead.

Next this girl probably in her late twenties came into the store.  She was wearing a pink stripped button-down and jeans.  She was a cute, young blond with her hair up.  She decided to strike up a conversation with me, and wound up also helping me see if there was fabric that could be ordered to recover my chair cushion.

We talked about her dog and I showed her a picture of ours who had ruined the blind in question.  She talked about her bull terrier who was throwing her red ball and then retrieving it when it rolled away from her.  She liked my dog, and made pleasantries with me.  I thought that she was kinda looking at my legs, but figured it was because I looked like total shit in running shorts, a sports bra, and a stretched out tank from 1998.  Then she started talking to me about her ex gf.  Interesting.  Then about her current partner and raising this dog who is pretty anxious given that she was abandoned by her ex.  Finally, when I was leaving, she gave me a business card with her personal cell on it.  We have been texting.  Apparently, I’m going to a pool party and she has some “friends” for me Pride Sunday.  Could be an interesting weekend.

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Remember

I went out last night and bullshitted with the bartenders and talked to one girl at length.  She was super butch, but funny and smart.  I enjoyed myself, went to the car with a spring in my step, and talked to my workout partner and then slept like a baby.  I have a job interview in just over an hour, so I need to pop in the car and then head up there.  One of the bartenders knew where I was interviewing, because his father used to work there.  I don’t subscribe to or endorse coincidences, so I thought that was cool.

There was a time a few short years ago when I’d leave the lesbo bar and would feel so badly.  I hated the way that I felt.  I believe now that most of it was because I thought that I should be with someone.  The thing is that I met Shane in a bar four-years ago on June 19th, and that yielded a summer of fun and then all kinds of weirdness after she fell in love with me, and I convinced myself that I should make something work.  Why make something work?  Those efforts are for 3-5 years down the road when stuff hits and you have to navigate it.

For argument’s sake let’s say that there was a super fit, light-eyed girl who was single who sat with me last night and we chatted.  We can go farther and say that she got my number.  I’d still be who I am now.  It would have been exciting and interesting, but I’d have figured that perhaps she was pissed at her girlfriend and went to the bar to make her jealous.  I also would have told her that we should meet for a bike ride sometime in the the next month.

Bette was so important to me for close to a year.  When she started her stuff of breaking up with me, and then really needing to sleep with me, and then engaging in fights with me, and then calling me or showing up to make plans for sex, I just kinda let my heart die.  That’s not the kind of love that I want.  It sounds a lot more like a relationship sponsored by the sensationalist and fear-based media in which anxiety prays on what I would lose without her, or how alone I would be if we didn’t talk.  I’m alone.  No one texts or pursues me.  I’m fine.  In fact, I know that girls who I know don’t contact me because they are not the right girl for me, or am I for them.

It’s good to come home and talk to a dear friend and go to sleep.  This friend of mine only gives advice when I ask, and we know many deep, dark secrets about each other.  I would never let those go in one direction.  I don’t fire questions at someone to get data, so I have a way to keep them needing me.  There is a genuine, open, and honest experience with others.  It’s authentic. That’s the path that I walk.

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Begging to be told

I have some little things floating around in my brain… I want to tell it and talk about what these random thoughts are percolating in my head that is probably mostly a consequence of only working part-time and adjusting to that schedule SUPER FAST. I went to pick up the girl who I wound up caravanning with on Sunday night and her niece was in the kitchen. This girl is more upperclass than what I’m used to and I think also comes from money, so although she was in scrubs, she said, “Would you like a beer?” I told her that would be something that I’d never decline. Her niece who had been watching me said, “You sound like my mother.”

I said, “Ew… That’s definitely a Top Ten List something that I don’t want to hear,” and I looked at her again, and said, “There is probably no way that I could be your mother.” Then she said, shudder, “My mother is sixty.” I took it wrong though. Without skipping a beat, I said that was perfectly charming. We laughed and started up a conversation with my date who opened the beer and handed it to me. Rich girls do have very good manners. I think that there must be a difference between those who come from money and those who have made money. Bette doesn’t have anywhere near that level of finesse. The present girl then said that she was heading upstairs to change.

Her niece kept watching me. When she did we talked easily. She asked how old I was, and when I told her that I was 38, she said, “You look good!” A little color rose to her face, and I figured she was about the age of a graduating senior, so I said, “Oh, remember, I’m 60,” and then I winked at her. She flushed more and continued to talk. She then asked if I was single, and I said, “Very. I haven’t even been with anyone in 6-months. It feels good to be on woman detox.” Then she said, “I should ask ____, about that because I’m pretty curious.” I said, “I think that it’s kids in your age group. They don’t really see sexuality as an issue at all, and then girls, in general are always socialized well; therefore, being allowed to touch each other and holds hands and such. It seems like a natural extension. But…” I had to glance at her a little more while she was casually drawing and sitting down across the counter in the kitchen from me, “I do think that you are straight.” Then she said, “But, I’m very turned on by women,” and again more color rushed to her face.

Ha. That is some good stuff. Here is a child 15-16 years my junior who is all torqued up talking about women with me. I had this rebound thing last summer with Peter Pan when I was 37, and I found that her 31 was waaaaay too young. I highly doubt that any 23-year-old would hold an appeal for me, but it was fun, and it was interesting. I think that I need to grab a drink tonight. I have a damn job interview at 9:30 tomorrow morning, so I will have to take the boy to my folks’ house so I can do that. (I’m still not sure what I’ll be doing for supervision next school year.) I’m going to go out a bit and maybe even bar hop. I need to let these musings in my mind and body have a little life in them. 😉

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Delusions of the Exes

I think that I casually mentioned that Shane had written the same day or day after I had to sit in a presentation with my coming-out affair.  It’s so odd to have a coming out affair when you were 33, but my hs and college gfs were covert.  Anyway, the delusional one is not my coming-out affair. I gave her a simple hug and had a professional conversation.

Shane is super delusional though.  She wrote a disjointed letter that my son barely listened to and sent a complicated star device and a toy plane.  My son is 7.  He cannot interpret the stars and the wheels would take my perceptually-challenged self hours to interpret, so it’s just buried somewhere.  He has not played with transportation devices in three-years.  She is like one of those unfortunate distant relatives who we all have who still think that we are suspended in toddlerhood or something.  The saddest part of that is that she thinks that they have this relationship.  If she wants one, she would have to call him once a month, as he changes quickly.  Sad, really.  I do wish her the best, and wrote her a thank you email that day.

So, unfortunately, when you have kids and you spend over a year with someone, you and your kids interact.  Hell, Bette and I even did blended weekends for awhile, but I promptly stopped those early in 2012.  I still miss her son.  He is a gem.  She’s super lucky that he won’t remember me at all.  My son has been asking to talk to her for a couple of months, but like most seven-year-olds, he loses interest and lacks follow-through.  Well, not last night.  He was adamant about talking to her.  Of course he did have to leave her a message.  She left him a voice recording the following morning, which was today.  I played it for him and he asked to call her back.  He took my landline in my bedroom, his dog, and left.  I unloaded the dishwasher.  He came out shortly later.  Then I got two texts.  One was thanking me.  The other was apologizing if I took offense at one of her comments.  I said, “I have no idea what you’re referring to.  He sequestered himself in a bedroom with the dog.”

She talked about him at length.  I responded.  She honestly is a pretty good mother.  I think she’s harsh as all get out and I don’t want to be her friend, but she is honestly one of those people who has a soft spot in her heart for kids.  She asked to take him for a burger this weekend, but I explained that he has rehearsals Friday and Saturday, but that she could see him anytime that she wanted to.  I sent her two recent photos of him, and one had my intern in it.  She thought it was my gf, and I said that she is a 29-year-old str8 intern, but that I had a good gay story, so I left it on a voice recording.  I’ll reproduce it in brief here, because it’s funny.

I’ve been cross training since November with my workout partner.  She knows my son well though, because she is working with him as she is a Speech Pathologist.  My son reads too well to qualify for speech, but he has a lateral lisp.  This information is bg, and not the story.

Here is the story, and why I was with this particular girl, who I’ve been cross-training with this school year.  We were walking our dog after lifting weights and eating dinner.  She was talking to my son about his gf.  My son is super tall and actually very good looking.  A 5th grade girl called this house this year and left a VM and completely freaked me out, but again that is just more context.  Anyway, he likes this girl in his class who happens to be Black.  My workout partner said, “Do you like Black Girls?”  He answered, “Oh, yes.”  She said, “I like Black guys.”  My son said, “We are the same.  But, we are straight.”  There was a long pause and my son said, “You’re the gay one, Mom.”

It was funny.  My son is a bit of a nut.  That was a good exchange, was not overly personal, but was not an invitation into my personal life, but was about my son.  So, I thought that would be good, but she texted again a very stupid joke.  I let it go with no response, so 5-hours later she left me a long voice recording with race tips, and offers to send photos about her race.

Jeez.  I finished my 5-mile, and had fun.  I can finish my crazy half.  I don’t need advice.  Having a friendship with someone who doles out advice and tips is not a friendship.  Honestly, it reminds me of a stereotypical man who must be the best (Most of her tips were based on the race and her training that she had just completed, and how they could help me.) and be the one to help and fix.  Ani says it best, “I’m not a kitten stuck up in a tree, and I don’t need to be rescued.”  Also, when will she get that I didn’t ask?  I don’t need her for a friend or anything else.  I don’t appreciate unsolicited advice either.  If she wants to see my son, she’s more than welcome to take him snowboarding or out to eat or whatever.  I don’t need her.  She has strange ideas about relationships with exes in general.

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More See Saw

Dammit.  I was at my son’s End-of-the-Year Picnic when the Director of the Day Treatment called.  He said that he doesn’t know if he can get me adequate supervision next fall and spring.  I got upset and came home and did two applications, which wound up taking over two-hours.  In fact, it may have been 2.5 hours.  Lovely.  I’ll meet with him tomorrow.  My current supervisor will conference in on the call, which will be helpful.  We shall see.

I need a new nickname for the girl previously termed as “Lonely Girl.”  She is just like the rest of us, and doing the best that she can with what’s she’s got.  Honestly, she is newly divorced.  She and her partner have only been split for two-years and some change.  That is not enough time to get clarity with what you want, or how to co-parent divorced.  That takes time.  My ex and I have been not living together for nearly six.

I wanted to pick her up, but she was on call, so we caravanned.  My friend and she were from the same town, so that was a good connection for her.  She kept saying how cool they were.  My friend’s partner and she are in the same industry; therefore, she really liked them both given that she had something in common with each of them.  I do have great friends.

I don’t know.  She gives good hugs.  I had a date with a jailbait girl who I refer to as “Church Girl” last summer and I liked her hugs.  They are the same sign too.  I like water signs.  They have a good damper for my personality.  I just want to see what transpires.  What is meant to happen will.

I still like her dimples, and was very excited that she also wore a skirt (Well, mine was actually a skort, but hey!), and that I got to see her legs.  I want to meet some of her friends, I want to cycle with her and hike, and I want my workout partner to meet her.  Maybe we are each other’s wingmen.  Maybe we will be on a couch someday and start kissing.  I don’t know and trust that what is meant to be, will just develop.