Tag Archives: Changes

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Wholehearted

There is a social work professor who gives some of those Ted talks in addition to seminars and the like, and although I do have her book, I have not begun reading it yet, but I plan to as she talks about living with true courage and the belief that we are truly worthy of love and belonging.  Being somewhat skeptical naturally, I tend toward thinking that just reading those words sounds much like Stuart Smalley, with the assertion that “I’m smart enough.  I’m good enough, and dammit people like me!”  However, she does not sound cheesy at all, and she boldly talks about her own journey to understand connection and vulnerability.  This seeking is exactly where I am on this leg of my journey.

I was utterly and nakedly vulnerable in my last relationship.  I exposed my whole heart and loved fully, which turned out to hurt a lot, but does not leave me feeling hollow now.  The reason being that I changed as a result of loving completely and fully and I worked harder for her than I ever have in any relationship and it was less than one year.  I’ve had much longer term relationships; although, admittedly I have not in the last five years.  But, I know that time doesn’t actually matter.  Even though it does take an entire year to get to know a woman, it is possible to have all of your passions completely ignited, which if you are connected to her can lead to significant intimacy.  That didn’t freak me out in the least, but it did her, so we really never had a commitment or did we courageously say that we are building a future.

I realized yesterday after our friends left, that control and also keeping me at arm’s length was a way of never being vulnerable and led to her feeling comfortable in our situation.  I’m still unsure if I completely understand the negative commenting and insensitivity, but I do know that because I am good to myself every single day that leads me to being a whole and kind person.

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Adjustments

I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex.  I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar.  It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily.  Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.

I get that takes time.  It takes a year.  But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight.  So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think.  I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me.  However, I do love music.  In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.

We hiked and sledded yesterday.  My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically.  (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape.  And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.)  My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast.  She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.

Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad.  They have two kiddos.  I’ve known them 18-years.  I think that we will have fun.

I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends.  She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable.  My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship.  Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex.  You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier.  So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.

I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well.  In fact, I pretty much do.  My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him.  My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight.  Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent.  I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped.  There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking.  She also used to throw the leash down.  I definitely get that type of response!

Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single.  However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed.  Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper.  The latter is not pretty.  I’m done, done now.  I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too.  I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it.  When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me.  So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.

I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating.  Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least.  I still want a girl who wants to be with me.

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The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

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Not bad at all

I got up very early this Sunday morning, but it’s not a big deal, because I don’t have too much to take care of anyway.  I laughed really hard again last night and had such a splendid time.  When I’m with people like I was last night, they really meet my needs.  My good friend and I had about an hour to talk before one of the new couples who I’ve just started hanging out with got to my house.  I cleaned up quite a bit too.  Then we ate a salad, linguini and clam sauce, and I made veggie sausage and peppers with the best seitan product that I think is available.  I seem to make friends who are vegetarian all the time.  In fact, when I was at the Post Office yesterday I was in line between two of them who talked to me at length.

We ate the dinner and then we played this game wherein you pass four pieces of paper in a set continually to your neighbor.  The game works best played in even numbers because you alternate writing a statement or drawing a picture.  So, I would write something like, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and pass it and the three blank papers clockwise, and you’d read that statement and then draw a visual representation of some birds probably, and a hand and bush.  After you were done with your art, you’d pass the pile again leaving only your drawing exposed so that the next person has to write a statement about the picture.  After four passes, you get your statement back and it’s funny to see the story evolution.  You eventually get back yours, and you have two pictures and one other statement if you play with four people like we did last night.  Then you can lay out sequentially the story.  We laughed really hard and the couple had brought their dog too, so mine was glad to have her girlfriend.  (They had hiked two weeks ago together.)

I’ll probably keep saying it…  I don’t desire a clone, but rather want a woman who is good to me.  Kindness is not that tough.  I don’t think that assuming the best really is either prior to living together for a longer period.  I do think that in time, little things start to bug someone.  I like the talk that I watched given by an anthropologist who said that you are able to get a significant dopamine hit many years into your relationship by varying your sexual routines or simply laughing a whole bunch.  I love the latter and definitely am looking for that in my next girlfriend too.  It is work to make me laugh, but it’s really easy for me because I can read people easily, so I can fairly quickly gauge what they will find funny.

I’m going out on NYE.  I want to find a good, smaller venue like I was in last year.  I can’t stomach the huge dance club and really don’t desire any Dickensian Lesbian Nightmares.  However, I can stomach meeting some nice girls to talk to and getting some numbers and the like.  I’m sure that there are funny nice ones all over the city.

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Very Random

Our dog has taken to only chewing rawhide when we’re home, so when I’m away as much as I was today she holds it rather catlike and gnaws while she gazes at me looking super sad.  I lost her for about 45-minutes in the foothills yesterday, and I was freaked.  She is a nut, and my son is missing her tons.  He keeps asking what she is doing when I call, but I didn’t know the last time that he asked because I had clients and was between two of them when we spoke.  She and I have had a couple of busy days.  Today was crazy really because I walked over 11-miles and it was colder than hell. (Why is the latter the expression?  It’s sooooo counterintuitive.)  She only did 5.5 because she had previously been at the dog park that morning and I took her home.  I had to get my car’s oil changed and I had our dog with us, so I walked her home and walked back.  Then I had clients all night.  I was supposed to lift weights, but given that I had the plague on Friday, I figured I could be granted a dispensation.  I’ll lift tomorrow and Saturday and then get back on my game on Monday.

Today was pretty weird again.

One of my best friend’s husbands has cancer.  I can’t believe it.  He really isn’t her husband anymore either because they have filed and done mediation.  I want to support her as best as I can.  It makes you feel really shitty when you have bitched about the same super crazy relationship for the lion’s share of a year when people are dealing with their mortality.  That is some tough stuff.  For real.

The new year is nearly here.  That means that I have to have resolve.  I should not sleep with my ex unless a couple’s counseling session is the prelude.  I think though that I’d rather meet a stable girl.  I keep thinking about valences.  What the hell does that word mean?  I’m punchy.  I’m tired.  I’m drinking a microbrew.  But, I’m single and happy and one lucky fuck.

Trailhead b4 I stupidly did some off-leash

Trailhead b4 I stupidly did some off-leash

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Deep inside a shadow

I’m getting ready.  I figured some things out and I feel like this new shift that all of us are supposed to have is happening for me as well.  It’s like emergence.  As there are no coincidences, it is fitting that I had the worse part of a mild flu last night and ran a high, shaking fever.

Everyone has patterns.  So does my ex.  She tends to be a grass is always greener kind of person, and that is where she and drunk are the same.  What she does is she is with someone and misses stuff about her most recent ex.  She used to miss sex with her ex who she had raised her other children with, and last Friday night she told me how she missed her most recent ex (besides me) because of the way she smelled and was such a woman in terms of having candles lit when she got home, etc.  I felt like saying, “Sorry it was always just dinner when we were together,” but instead when she was going on and on about her, I said, “Candles lit, looked beautiful, and dinner made?”  She said no that I was the only woman who ever cooked for her.  But, because she is now in her pattern of missing her ex, she remembers all the good qualities that I don’t have.  I can tell you that I’d rather have great, passionate sex!

The drunk was not exclusive with me until she moved six states away.  That is grass is always greener for her too.  She missed me and realized that she was in love with me when she and I went away to NM together for a weekend, but she was moving to the east coast in a month, so it was bad timing.  She didn’t tell me that she loved me either until I had flown to see her once, and she had just made love to me after she had come for a trip and visit.  At that point, the drunk had flown to visit my son and I about a month after I had visited her back east, and then she professed her love after we had a our first night together.  Although, I did love her, I was never in love with her.  I was slowly realizing that she had a problem with alcohol; honestly she loved the bottle way more than my son for sure.  And I was a distant third.

My ex loves money.  She says all the time that she is not materialistic, but she is.  She hoards material things because she fears an early death and her beautiful little boy being without as she was.  That I do get.  I don’t want my son to feel poor.  I work around the clock because of that issue of mine too.  She and I both had periods in our childhoods with periods of significant poverty.  My son has never known eating shitty food or living somewhere unsavory.  Her son will never know these things either.  So, in that way, we are driven by the same fear.

Grass is always greener and driven by desire for more.  Me?  I just want to find a sexy, bright woman who wants a resolution with me because she knows that I’m worth it.  I’m the one that she wants to build a future with and doesn’t make her feel any longing.  I’ll know when I meet her, and want to start off with let’s figure out what we both do in conflict and talk about it while we honeymoon.  She and I can figure it out…  Together.

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Grief Cycle

I love getting lots of sleep.  I probably would have slept another hour or so, but the alarm called.  Now, I am drinking my coffee and getting ready for my day.  Last night, my clients insisted that I have dinner with them and also asked me to sit at the head of the table.  They also gave me a Coke, so I had to sleep with assistance, as I am quite sensitive to caffeine.  I feel really good though right now and hope that my last day before the paperwork and vacation is a good one.  Yesterday was pretty terrible with the exception of my practicum stuff.

I did, however, get preliminary approval on my study that I have to get completed next year.  That feels really good.  And it was attractive to this particular boss lady in general for all of her settings in which she provides supervision and professional development.  The last thing that I wanted to do was a qualitative study, but I do have a proposal model and the other professor on my committee will guide me to get it done.

So, I guess that I’m saying that I have some hurdles conquered.  That feels good, as I want to go into this year with a different focus, so I think that it will help to truly be moving forward.  I do know that grief cycles, so I will have some bad moments most likely.  But, I have not had any longing for her like I did in the summer, so it’s accurate to say that it probably will not ever get that bad.

At the beginning of November, she had left me a HeyTell saying, “It’s just some days like this one when I miss you so much,” and because she has specific mood cycles which she is at least somewhat aware of, it will likely come at the end of next week or the beginning of the year.  It’s me who is different though, and I won’t be saying, “I love you,” or “I miss you,” at all anymore because the former sends a mixed message and the latter isn’t true.

She is simply moody and gamey, and I would be in complete shock and given pause if she said that she will come down to go swimming on Saturday.  I called her yesterday and said, “I know that your friend has not confirmed whether or not you have Saturday plans, so let’s just say meet at 10 o’clock at the pool and swim, and then come home for lunch and get you guys on your way by 2, so that he can get in a nap,” as he is newly two.  She said it sounded fair and we hung up, and she called back, saying that she hoped that I didn’t personalize her getting ready while we talked, and I said, “No,” and then it was obvious that my son needed me and we needed to interact, so she hung up abruptly.  I was in a Charter School later morning and sent her a picture of a stuffed animal, whose type is an inside joke and she didn’t respond.  Gamey.  As is the fact that she would not tell me when a good night was to talk this week when I have asked this question very simply, and have done so three times since Sunday.  She does this kind of weird shit with her friends too, and I certainly don’t.  But, one does seem to need “stratagems,” as Amelie says when dealing with her.

I can stay balanced and solid and refuse to engage in bullshit.  I’ve gotten very good at that.  I also feel the presence of another right now, and I just don’t think that it is just her ex-partner, so I won’t sleep with her.  I will be telling her that I won’t sleep with her the weekend after this one either.  I don’t think that is appropriate.  It is staying centered honestly.  I want to find my center given that I have so much time off, and that is my plan.  I know that she and I are amiable now, and that is where we need to stay.

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The thrill is gone

I have had a very longterm relationship, and another one that was around three-years or so.  The latter was with a girl, and that was easier for me to navigate because I could still muster passion for her.  With my ex-husband, we became barely connected partners, and I don’t want anything like that in the future.

I’m being punished for not going to her party.  So, if we aren’t dating and we have sex like a PRN, and we are definitely NOT friends, why should I go to your party?!?  Today, she e-mailed that I was invited to it and wasn’t there.  No shit, Sherlock.  “This is…  My ex-girlfriend?  An FB who I love, but can’t get my shit together with?”  WTF?

We shall see if next Friday passes with no hook-up.  I can’t hustle anymore.  I just can’t.

I don’t know if when she is like this if that will even last.  We don’t run into each other at all, and honestly I just want to be amiable when we do.  I don’t know if even after she has moved through Christmas without her father if she will be any different with respect to me.  I think for right now, I’m just going to bow out with no contact and see if we can hook-up next weekend.  She asked for pictures of our tree–it is going up tomorrow.

I’m not one of those people who cares if I have a girl at Christmas or on New Year’s.  That’s not my thing, because it’s contrived.  I’m a lot of things, but I’m real, and without passion, I don’t dwell.  I’m looking forward to buying a little tree tomorrow and decorating it with my son, and I’m also looking forward to the Nutcracker with him on Saturday.  I think that I’ll also take him out for sushi.

I have been working like crazy.  I did Monday – Wednesday night, but managed to meet a colleague on Tuesday for weights, but tonight I’m really looking forward to connecting with my son.  I think that I’ll cook a favorite meal for him too.  He’ll have to tag along and play air hockey and foosball tonight while my colleague and I lift.  I can take Sat off from working out because I have to babysit, go to a six-year-old’s bday party and then we have our ballet.  That seems good.

Thrills are not something that I seek.  I don’t like neutrality though.  I have this mug and it says, “would rather be alone than taken casually,” and I think that sums up who I am pretty well.  I like my own company quite well and have tons of friends.  I will be interesting to see how the next five weeks go by and develop.

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Journeys

She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.”  She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd.  What’s my alternative?  I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on.  She also said that she was thinking of me.

So, tag you’re it, right?  My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous.  I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her.  That’s true too.  I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.”  I do.

I do not feel remotely safe with her though.  That is why I won’t date her.  There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either.  Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.

The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her.  I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years.  I am usually controlled with respect to anger.  I’m a processor.  I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.”  I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.”  And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you.  We can talk another time.  Let’s just hang up for tonight.”  She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money.  It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.

That’s not vulnerable though.  That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even.  I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean.  I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years.  She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.

I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way.  I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm.  I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.

As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list.  I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well.  But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school.  I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.

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Craving

It’s interesting that it took me this long to get where I don’t have any angst whatsoever.  It was a long, long haul.  It seems like this last time around when we were together for about two-months it was a trial run for me, and I probably didn’t think it was going to work anyway.  I think that I just love having sex with her.  I’m kinda neutral on relationships in general at this juncture anyway.  They don’t seem to last.  Maybe I’m in a weird age bracket.  Who knows?

We can have sex two weeks from Friday or not.  I’m not holding my breath or will I ask for it.  I haven’t ever asked for it since my bday and she got pissed and left.  She accused me of keeping her up.  As I said in October, I’m permanently off that party bus.

I know her patterns with me anyway…  She contacts me when she misses me, wants to have sex, or feels like she needs to connect to me.  The way in which she does the latter isn’t the way anyone connects with me.  She’ll call with book titles or parenting tips.  I guess it’s an intro into a conversation, but it doesn’t facilitate one for me and frankly, isn’t the way that anyone talks to me.  I think that she is used to being the guru and the smarter one when it comes to her friends, so she gives advice or tips.  She should blog 🙂

Next spring, I’ll date again.  Right now, I can do sex with my ex or not.  I don’t have to reach out and don’t care if she does or not.  I have only known her 14-months and that’s no longevity for person like me that has had some friends for nearly thirty-years.  Additionally, I know that I will never be close with her.  That’s unfair to my next girlfriend, and is a very weird boundary for me.

I’m grateful to not be in the land of craving her, or wondering when she’ll contact me, or hoping that we will be together again.  If we are meant to get together next year, we will, but I know that we’d need counseling.  I wish her well this weekend at the big party she’s hosting.  I’m glad to chill at home and get some stuff done.  Most of all, I’m glad to not need to detox or deal with my likely former addiction to her.

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When you’ve got kids

She invited us to the pool and enticed me by saying we could work out, but we didn’t have enough time for the latter so I came home in an awful space and drank instead of eating.  Not healthy.  Won’t be doing that again.  My son wanted to see her, and he also wanted to see her little one who he hadn’t seen in probably at least five-months, and he has changed a lot.  Of course, the little one was all over me like he usually is, and that’s fine because I love him and my son was not jealous and she did stuff with mine in the pool too.  I don’t like enclosed water slides, but I was game, and did them several times anyway.

She is having all kinds of work done on her house.  I can’t afford mine in general, given what they have done with my salary and my health insurance and she is doing all kinds of elaborate stuff with hers.  That was a stark contrast.  It gave me all kinds of shitty emotions too, as did when she was introducing my son to her best friend’s son (The guy doing all the wood and sheet rock work.) and I overheard her say, “This is _______, and he is one of my best buddy’s sons.”  You wish.  I don’t do instant friend, and for gas money and some contributions toward my next oil change, I did you last weekend, so I’m not sure what you think of when you say, “one of my best buddies.”

My son had a blast, and we stayed way too long, and I couldn’t wait to get outta there.  However, when we finally did get home, I was only able to finish the cooking that I have done, so that these next three weeks will go off without a hitch.  I have a guy looking at my basement some time next week, and need to do serious cleaning and organizing, so I asked my son’s Dad to take him to his Voice class for me Tuesday night and I’ll work until I get everything done.  I need this renter.  Time to whip the house into shape.  We are not going to talk until next Sunday.  I’ll wish her goodnight and good morning and that’s it.  Hell, that has been it since April with the exception of August and September.

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No absolutes

The only thing that I don’t want to do is drive up there.  There are multiple reasons why I won’t too.  It’s really far away and moves my needle a little over half when I do come home.  It requires me to get oil changes faster.  I also miss being home.  I have been away from home with my free time for three-years because I dated a woman who moved to FL and then when I was finally completely free of her, I started up another relationship and my ex does not live in the same city.  I need a home base for a sense of balance.

I know that I do love her, but I know myself and if I can spend a few months without seeing her and just stay focused on my practical stuff and writing for school and the normal nuts and bolts of busy work and my parenting responsibilities, I will be through being in love with her.  It’s fine to have love for someone, but it’s not good when you are not with someone and still very much in love with them.  I think that only this time I have made a positive shift in a healing direction because I directly told her yesterday that she’s welcome to come to me and when I “signed off” for the night and wished her well I told her that I’m sick of being away from my house all the time, and that’s true.

A friend of mine asked why I wasn’t dating.  I slept with my ex a month ago this weekend, but I didn’t spend the night because I could feel her mood turning and didn’t want her to unload on me.  But, that’s not it.  I’m just given a lot of pause of how quickly I went into another relationship, and this one, because my ex is a healthier person; although she does have an explosive temper, was actually much more serious than my former “partnership.”  My ex is a serious and intense person.  I’m not dating because I’m giving myself space until spring to even look around or ask around.  I do like that I have two new couples who are in partnerships in my life.  They will be women who I can spend time with and see if they have single friends perhaps when I’m ready.

So, I’m not saying that I won’t have sex with my ex.  I may.  I won’t drive 80-miles to do it because I’m never home, have way less money than she does, and I want her to want to see me.  If she doesn’t, each day I am getting better and better with that truth.  I’m just being increasingly patient with myself.

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Come and get me

Again, if she wants to have sex, she has to drive down here, and if that doesn’t work for her, we can go back to the land of whatever.  For now, I will text here and there because she called me this morning and said that she wants to date again when she is doing better.  We also reminisced about a funny time that we had last October, and then she said, “I miss you, ____.”  I told her, “I’m sorry,” and I really am.  Because what I miss is long, long gone as is that fun and carefree girl.  I don’t think that she left just because her Dad is gone, but rather she fell in love with me quickly (As I did with her.) and showed me her best face for three-months, and then she started her controlling and unattached stuff that she does.

We shall see.  Her journey is independent of mine and I don’t chase anyone.  I did enough leg work for her when she was my girlfriend.

I’m pretty sure that she knows that I don’t desire a friendship with her ever.  I would like us to be amiable, but right now, it’s not like that at all, as we still may have sex occasionally.  However, I need to be clear with her at some point that I won’t drive up there for sex again.  The barking dog incident (And this should not be confused with the psuedo-biographical account of the autistic teenager) cooked that for me, as I knew that I’d be blamed for her not sleeping.  I am not going to be a punching bag at all even if we do occasionally have intimacy.

So, I guess if she does ever want me again, she’ll have to chase me a little.  Otherwise, I will know that she’s just not that into me and I’m so fine single, that it’s not even funny.  I would love to co-parent with a woman, but I’ve learned in five-years how to solo fly with supports.

I had a good night.  I walked my dog and am chilling and going to hit the sack early.  My son doesn’t have school tomorrow, so I’m writing tonight (here) and he is with my parents.  We cooked tonight at a good friend’s house and her daughters and some of her friends came over and played a dance game on the Wii.  It was really fun and I loved being around typically developing teenagers, as I don’t work with any who fit that bill.  I have great friends.  I’m fine on my own, and open to whatever happens next.  I just won’t hustle for anyone right now, and need to keep focused on parenting and getting my schooling done.

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Rules

So, they are all for me now (rules).  She was texting a bunch the last two days, so I just called her because I don’t want to text back and forth because it’s weird and we are no longer dating.  She talked about her recovery and I told her about my determination that I am not at all into the engineer and that there was a woman in a bar who was checking me out and I didn’t notice at all, but my friend had told me to watch the video of when I sang karaoke, so I could see it.  I probably won’t though, because it doesn’t interest me and neither do women right now either.  She abruptly hung up; although, we have our “friends hat” on now.

Later, of course, she texted and told me that it hurts her to learn about how many girls are attracted to me because she still loves me and is attracted to me.  I told her that we are not friends then. I need to be clear and so should she if she wants to feel better, etc.  Then she told me that she would do couple’s work with me, but that she has so much to sort out individually–and that she is working on it too–so she cannot do that on top of it because she is not able to commit to double therapy.  She said that in the interim she’d understand if I moved on, but between now and then she’d appreciate us physically connecting…

I worked 45 hours this week and will work 52 next week, so if she wants sex, she’ll have to drive to me.  I will not go there for a long time, and there is a good chance that by the time I really need some intimacy that I’ll just go out around here to see if interest in women is something that can start to happen for me.  Right now, they tend to annoy me or I guess I just don’t notice them.  That is nearly 100% independent of her too, because I’m simply not ready to date.  I wouldn’t date her again either without her making some serious changes.

I was feeling very good that she finally has admitted that she is the one who needs to do work.  It’s not me.  I’m stable and grounded and know that really I just eventually want to share my life with a woman, but don’t want to to share it with one who is on my ass all the time or picks fights.  No thanks.  So, if she wants to have sex, she needs to head my way, because I won’t ever text her first and I don’t want to drive up there anymore, because frankly it’s a financial and time sink–it’s not worth it to me unless we were building something.  I get that she probably wants to date me, but I don’t want to date anyone who I don’t feel important to.  If you really want me, come on down, as you know where I am, I’m a sexual person, and I’m more than happy to meet your needs, but it has to be on my terms, because you are the one who continued to push and pull, so now my ground rules are come to me if you want me, but I’m not doing dating maintenance.

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Feet on the ground

One foot forward and moving toward is what I want.  I will value having my doctorate done and my head clearer.  I will get my proposal defended this year before it ends.

I’m given quite a bit of pause how I don’t care to pursue any girls at all and how they tend to annoy me or not be quite what I’m looking for in terms of dating.  I am not chasing anyone or I am making things work that won’t work past some sex or tolerating what are simply some incompatibilities.  Pink says, “I don’t believe in soul mates, happy endings or the one,” and I would have always tended to agree with that.  However, there were some unique and earth moving things that happened for three straight months last fall that also give me a great deal of pause.  Maybe those soul-level connections are not meant to last.

That is why I have come to wanting stability in addition to sexy and smart.  That works for me, because except for getting irritated, I think that I have both feet on the ground.  I’m just looking for space from my ex right now, and I think that if it comes to it, she would stop contacting me if I asked her to.  Right now doesn’t feel like the right time because it was just her father’s bday, she is recovering from complex surgery, and it’s now the holiday season.  If it gets too emotional for me, I’ll tell her to cease.  However, my line is firm about not driving up there.  That I won’t do.

My psychologist says, “Chop wood.  Carry water.”  For me, it’s last night trying to complete three sets, and giving up, drinking a beer and eating cheese puffs.  I felt sad and laid in my bed and was mindful about crunching.  I miss our old times, and know that they don’t exist anymore.  I told myself it has passed.  That made sleeping easier.  It’s what I’ve got right now.

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Not into her

It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me.  I can use some downtime.  I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want.  I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox.  I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now.  In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.

I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months.  I met her in June of 2009.  When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone.  It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things.  I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October.  Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year.  However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip.  I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f.  Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.”  I guess that happened with my ex too.

She started breaking up with me once a month since January.  I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September.  Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening.  And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months.  Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow.  Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.”  To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”

What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl.  I would like some time to elapse.  It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college.  She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together.  When do you really know someone?  It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex.  I just won’t.  However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer.  Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself.  People sure are weird.

The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it.  Also, right now she is dating some men.  Nope.  I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night.  She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.”  No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman.  Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.

Again, I have not met her yet…  I am looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable
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There is no perfect partner

I get accused of wanting perfection, but that’s not it at all.  I want a girl to want to be with me, and when we make a plan, which I look forward to more than most because my life is busy, I just want it to come to fruition.  I would like stable next time around.  I would also like consistent.  I’m more than willing to work on my issues of rejection so I can project a healthier and more whole me out into the universe.  I do believe that you get what you put out.  I have always been consistent.  I have never broken a date.

When I commuted in state (80-miles when it was roundtrip) and was still in two grad programs and doing night work for schools, I made a couple of snafus, as did I once this August when I couldn’t bike on Sunday because I had to read at church, but I would never change plans because I didn’t feel like it or I had some half-assed emotional response that I was unwilling to share.  That’s not me.

I have also been really good about accepting my role in conflicts.  I think what will be a stumbling block for me next spring will be that I need to be careful with casual and sending the wrong message.  I need to practice saying, “I like you.  Let’s just see each other when it makes sense, and not too frequently, because it’s really good to miss each other.  In terms of future, let’s see what develops.”  I can do that.  I’m not ready yet, but in a few months maybe, and then I will see HER.

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Working out as it should

I got a really bad cold, so unfortunately yesterday was a wash.  It’s ok though, because it’s not like I had to think about how I would apologize to the woman who has too many acutely mentally ill teenagers who I help her serve and also do some case management with during the week.  Yesterday when I was sick I did not have to apologize for missing, because yesterday was a vacation day for us and the adolescents.  I wound up doing very little though, and only laid the groundwork for what I’m planning on doing with my psychologist.  She helped me see yesterday that I go into a flight or fight mode with my ex and now because I don’t like the way that we fight, I just choose to bail.  And she’s right, because that is what I’ve done.

The only conflict is when she’s nice to me, but it’s pretty rare.  She was back to one word exclamation point responses yesterday when I told her that I was sick.  I haven’t even cooked.  I’m lucky though because she let me off the hook and said that she had plenty of food and I should just enjoy my packed weekend.  She has to get that jab in for “packed,” and I guess one evening commitment and church is super extreme.   She can believe whatever she wants to about me, but I’m just glad to not have to expend all that gas and energy to get up there.

I took all the stuff that I normally take at night last night and took one more fish oil and two zinc tablets.  I feel quite a bit better today.  She texted and I really hate texting–especially with her–so I called her.  We talked for a bit until her toddler got up and then she called me back and was acting remote.  She HeyTelled later that she was NOT remote, but thinking about her day.  OK, then you were not engaged in conversation then.  God.  Please just go do your thing and some girls who worship you and stay off my ass, ok?  It has been nice to have a break, and one until the end of February is just fine with me.

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She does know me

She has been texting and HeyTelling me like crazy.  Finally, after I got done meeting with my other committee member for my dissertation, I just called her.  We talked easily and well and I fessed up that I have no desire to date or am I really attracted to any girls enough to hustle for them.  I said I’m going to screen print a shirt and it will say, “Yes, I know that I’m fun, but I really am not available to date,” and she followed it up with saying, “Just make a QR so that girls with Smartphones can scan you.”  That was hilarious.  Good one.  With her being so contemplative, she can’t attack.  It’s nice.  I do love her–especially when she is not moody and in her critical mode.  I think that she’s aware of this personality taint.

I also think that she’s cognizant that whenever I drop off food, it’s my last hurrah.  I wonder if she’ll date someone come January.  I think that she will.  I wonder if it will implode by April or if the girl will be much more accustomed to sucking things up and she can string her along for a few years, because she is incredible for a few weeks a month.  Who knows?  I wish her the best.  I really do.  She can be amazing, but when she is in a bad mood or pissed about little things that everyone does…  Watch out.  It’s horrendous.  I’m not going to write again until I do drop off some meals for her.

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On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

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Been on the run

I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships.  I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former.  Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year.  I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily.  I don’t want rancor.

I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman.  I loved being vulnerable.  I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her.  That made me realize the possible.  Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection.  I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day.  I also keep my body in tip top shape.  Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.

With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded.  I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her.  I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me.  I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.

I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker.  I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy.  I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher.  I just like her way.  I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush.  I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open.  I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion.  My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone.  I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love.  I know that I am.

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Hmm…

I woke up differently today.  Additionally, I finally got some good, high quality sleep.  I haven’t been missing her since she cancelled on me in September and then called me names when it hurt my feelings.  I have been thinking a lot about my last three years of being in relationship too, and I can honestly say, it doesn’t matter that she won’t go to couple’s counseling with me.

Why did I put up with it for so long?  I’d never let a friend tell me the things that she had about me, and because I can only contrast it with the drunk, and she only had a couple of similar complaints about me and that was that sometimes I say things more than once and that I draw parallels from stories told to me from my own life.  She never called me selfish, or negative, and definitely not creepy and although my son can be challenging, she certainly never told me that he needed to be evaluated or perhaps have meds!  I don’t want the drunk back…  But, she was with me for a lot longer period in total, and I think that she knew me better.

So, what I can change about me is I can listen fully and pause.  If I really feel that something is important, I can state it and ask what do you think about that?  If my next girlfriend likes to tell long-winded stories about people who I don’t know, I can say, “I don’t have much to add, because I don’t know these people.”

However, I think those are pretty simple things to change.  My ex wanted me to feel like I had problems or I was somehow responsible for her unloading on me.  I’m just not.  If someone gets all over your case and you feel badly about it, it’s just an abusive cycle and bad relationship.  The best thing in the world that I have done the last two times that I saw her was to just leave when she gets angry.  I don’t have to engage in that kind of interaction and I sure as hell don’t have to take it from someone ever.  The dog is barking and keeping you awake?  Well, I’m going to head home and make sure that my presence is not affecting your sleep.  Your long story within an only 50-minute time period (That I have heard three times before) about people who I don’t know is “Not about me?”   Well, getting away from you when you are judgmental or combative is.

Good luck with your surgery.  Have a restful recovery.  Look within yourself for understanding and then strength.  I’m simply dropping off some food and won’t drive to you again.  Best wishes on your journey.

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Not the weird one

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything but that quintessential thunderbolt when I see this mystery girl.  That’s it.  Not about to chase anyone or am I begging for what I want to happen with my ex.

We had a glass of wine last night and I drove probably 40-miles round trip for 50-minutes.  I’m glad that next Thursday will be my last trip for some time.  However, if she would ask me for help, which she won’t, I would comply.  I think that she feels guilty that I’m dropping off food and synching her iPod, but that is the right thing to do and that is me.  I want her surgery to go well and for her to recover quickly.  I know that she will.  I then think that sometime in December, she will start dating.  That will be a very good experience for her too.

She was not a corpse.  She was open and fairly warm, but exhausted.  Her stress that she pretends is not there has caught up with her.  It will be a wonderful thing for her to not be able to move and be forced to just think and be.  I’m glad that she will have this time and believe that it will be helpful too.  I wasn’t remotely attracted to her though, but rather just felt compassion for what she is dealing with currently.  That approach made being across from the table from her quite comfortable for me too.

I had a situation visa vi my son blow up this week.  I had to put the “smack down” without him in attendance with his father.  My ex asked me last night about my parenting woes and I told her that I don’t want to talk about it.  She called me a compartmentalizer.  I don’t think that she gets that I’m just not willing to hear her judgmental bullshit given that we are not dating.  That in addition to her belief that I’m selfish, negative, and creepy will prevent me from ever being her friend.  However, I’m very glad that we can be amiable and share space if we have to, because I don’t want to live into this song:

 

EVERYONE gets these lyrics!  I like this video that is a queer take on the gr8 Gotye song.

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Sex

So, we did finally catch up and the conversation was just fine.  It wasn’t free and easy like it was prior to our cold F2Fs this summer, but it was just fine.  It must, actually, have been better for her because then she propositioned me for sex three-and-a-half hours later.  If I feel healthy tonight I’ll go fulfill that because it’s been a month.  Yesterday I was excited for it in a lustful way, but today my cold doesn’t feel that great and because I won’t date her or even contact her–I will however respond–I would probably hook up with her monthly or a little less.  I know that I’m still in love with her, but given how she jumps my shit all the time, I’d never want anything serious with her unless we went to counseling.  She needs to get her act together with respect to conflicts with others, and that is independent of me because I told her that I didn’t want to date anymore after she marked me down and slowly cancelled plans like a blue light special.

I started feeling like it was really her who is selfish earlier last month when I tried to connect with her about feeling stressed about work and she told me to go to my psychologist.  I didn’t say, “Screw you,” but I did realize that she is not the best supporter.  She does like giving financial advice, but I think that’s distasteful, so I told her that must cease.  So, we shall see what transpires tonight.  I could go either way on sleeping at her house tonight.  I’m not antsy for it this morning like I was last night.  I do love our sex life.  I think that it’s the only thing that she doesn’t try to control.

I did head up after a I took a bike ride.  I went with a new friend.  I like her.  I like meeting new lesbians.  I spilled though and really bruised my right ring finger.  I’m not ready for a gay marriage evidently.

We talked for about an hour.  I knew that there was more that she needed to tell me and it was that she had a first date, but the woman told her that she doesn’t talk much unless it’s her best friend or her mother, so she told her that she doesn’t know how she will get to know her.  That’s fine.  I knew that this time around that given that it’s different and I won’t date her without counseling, that she would move on, and it’s really because I’m not that worth it to her.  Not meant to be.

We had good lovemaking.  However, when a dog outside was disturbing her, I could see the writing on the wall that I would be blamed for talking so I said, “You aren’t usually bothered by anything outside although it’s loud at your house, so I’m going to head home so you can sleep,” and she said, “You don’t have to put that on me.  I appreciate your need to go home if you can’t get to sleep here.”  I told her that I have not slept well in a month, but that I could tell that she is not sleeping.  I left out the fact that I would be blamed later for that.  It’s not my problem anymore.  I’m not the designated asshole.

That I don’t ever text her bothers her deeply, so I’ll text her from the soccer field tonight and say that I hope that she had an incredible day.  I will also hope that she keeps our date on Friday.  If not, I will text her each night and ask when I can bring up food for her.  I will find jokes and funny stories to e-mail to her while she recovers.  Unless my cousin goes to her party the first part of December, I’d rather stick a hot fire poker in my eye (Please note that I have borrowed her line there), so I’ll wait to Feb to make plans.  I’m pretty pragmatic.  She’ll want me if she doesn’t start dating someone.  I can do that and her anytime that she asks.  That part of our relationship always works, but we just don’t have conflict resolution skills.