Tag Archives: Changes

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Not into her

It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me.  I can use some downtime.  I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want.  I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox.  I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now.  In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.

I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months.  I met her in June of 2009.  When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone.  It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things.  I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October.  Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year.  However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip.  I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f.  Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.”  I guess that happened with my ex too.

She started breaking up with me once a month since January.  I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September.  Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening.  And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months.  Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow.  Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.”  To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”

What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl.  I would like some time to elapse.  It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college.  She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together.  When do you really know someone?  It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex.  I just won’t.  However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer.  Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself.  People sure are weird.

The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it.  Also, right now she is dating some men.  Nope.  I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night.  She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.”  No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman.  Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.

Again, I have not met her yet…  I am looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable
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There is no perfect partner

I get accused of wanting perfection, but that’s not it at all.  I want a girl to want to be with me, and when we make a plan, which I look forward to more than most because my life is busy, I just want it to come to fruition.  I would like stable next time around.  I would also like consistent.  I’m more than willing to work on my issues of rejection so I can project a healthier and more whole me out into the universe.  I do believe that you get what you put out.  I have always been consistent.  I have never broken a date.

When I commuted in state (80-miles when it was roundtrip) and was still in two grad programs and doing night work for schools, I made a couple of snafus, as did I once this August when I couldn’t bike on Sunday because I had to read at church, but I would never change plans because I didn’t feel like it or I had some half-assed emotional response that I was unwilling to share.  That’s not me.

I have also been really good about accepting my role in conflicts.  I think what will be a stumbling block for me next spring will be that I need to be careful with casual and sending the wrong message.  I need to practice saying, “I like you.  Let’s just see each other when it makes sense, and not too frequently, because it’s really good to miss each other.  In terms of future, let’s see what develops.”  I can do that.  I’m not ready yet, but in a few months maybe, and then I will see HER.

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Working out as it should

I got a really bad cold, so unfortunately yesterday was a wash.  It’s ok though, because it’s not like I had to think about how I would apologize to the woman who has too many acutely mentally ill teenagers who I help her serve and also do some case management with during the week.  Yesterday when I was sick I did not have to apologize for missing, because yesterday was a vacation day for us and the adolescents.  I wound up doing very little though, and only laid the groundwork for what I’m planning on doing with my psychologist.  She helped me see yesterday that I go into a flight or fight mode with my ex and now because I don’t like the way that we fight, I just choose to bail.  And she’s right, because that is what I’ve done.

The only conflict is when she’s nice to me, but it’s pretty rare.  She was back to one word exclamation point responses yesterday when I told her that I was sick.  I haven’t even cooked.  I’m lucky though because she let me off the hook and said that she had plenty of food and I should just enjoy my packed weekend.  She has to get that jab in for “packed,” and I guess one evening commitment and church is super extreme.   She can believe whatever she wants to about me, but I’m just glad to not have to expend all that gas and energy to get up there.

I took all the stuff that I normally take at night last night and took one more fish oil and two zinc tablets.  I feel quite a bit better today.  She texted and I really hate texting–especially with her–so I called her.  We talked for a bit until her toddler got up and then she called me back and was acting remote.  She HeyTelled later that she was NOT remote, but thinking about her day.  OK, then you were not engaged in conversation then.  God.  Please just go do your thing and some girls who worship you and stay off my ass, ok?  It has been nice to have a break, and one until the end of February is just fine with me.

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She does know me

She has been texting and HeyTelling me like crazy.  Finally, after I got done meeting with my other committee member for my dissertation, I just called her.  We talked easily and well and I fessed up that I have no desire to date or am I really attracted to any girls enough to hustle for them.  I said I’m going to screen print a shirt and it will say, “Yes, I know that I’m fun, but I really am not available to date,” and she followed it up with saying, “Just make a QR so that girls with Smartphones can scan you.”  That was hilarious.  Good one.  With her being so contemplative, she can’t attack.  It’s nice.  I do love her–especially when she is not moody and in her critical mode.  I think that she’s aware of this personality taint.

I also think that she’s cognizant that whenever I drop off food, it’s my last hurrah.  I wonder if she’ll date someone come January.  I think that she will.  I wonder if it will implode by April or if the girl will be much more accustomed to sucking things up and she can string her along for a few years, because she is incredible for a few weeks a month.  Who knows?  I wish her the best.  I really do.  She can be amazing, but when she is in a bad mood or pissed about little things that everyone does…  Watch out.  It’s horrendous.  I’m not going to write again until I do drop off some meals for her.

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On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

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Been on the run

I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships.  I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former.  Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year.  I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily.  I don’t want rancor.

I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman.  I loved being vulnerable.  I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her.  That made me realize the possible.  Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection.  I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day.  I also keep my body in tip top shape.  Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.

With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded.  I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her.  I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me.  I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.

I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker.  I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy.  I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher.  I just like her way.  I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush.  I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open.  I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion.  My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone.  I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love.  I know that I am.

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Hmm…

I woke up differently today.  Additionally, I finally got some good, high quality sleep.  I haven’t been missing her since she cancelled on me in September and then called me names when it hurt my feelings.  I have been thinking a lot about my last three years of being in relationship too, and I can honestly say, it doesn’t matter that she won’t go to couple’s counseling with me.

Why did I put up with it for so long?  I’d never let a friend tell me the things that she had about me, and because I can only contrast it with the drunk, and she only had a couple of similar complaints about me and that was that sometimes I say things more than once and that I draw parallels from stories told to me from my own life.  She never called me selfish, or negative, and definitely not creepy and although my son can be challenging, she certainly never told me that he needed to be evaluated or perhaps have meds!  I don’t want the drunk back…  But, she was with me for a lot longer period in total, and I think that she knew me better.

So, what I can change about me is I can listen fully and pause.  If I really feel that something is important, I can state it and ask what do you think about that?  If my next girlfriend likes to tell long-winded stories about people who I don’t know, I can say, “I don’t have much to add, because I don’t know these people.”

However, I think those are pretty simple things to change.  My ex wanted me to feel like I had problems or I was somehow responsible for her unloading on me.  I’m just not.  If someone gets all over your case and you feel badly about it, it’s just an abusive cycle and bad relationship.  The best thing in the world that I have done the last two times that I saw her was to just leave when she gets angry.  I don’t have to engage in that kind of interaction and I sure as hell don’t have to take it from someone ever.  The dog is barking and keeping you awake?  Well, I’m going to head home and make sure that my presence is not affecting your sleep.  Your long story within an only 50-minute time period (That I have heard three times before) about people who I don’t know is “Not about me?”   Well, getting away from you when you are judgmental or combative is.

Good luck with your surgery.  Have a restful recovery.  Look within yourself for understanding and then strength.  I’m simply dropping off some food and won’t drive to you again.  Best wishes on your journey.

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Not the weird one

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything but that quintessential thunderbolt when I see this mystery girl.  That’s it.  Not about to chase anyone or am I begging for what I want to happen with my ex.

We had a glass of wine last night and I drove probably 40-miles round trip for 50-minutes.  I’m glad that next Thursday will be my last trip for some time.  However, if she would ask me for help, which she won’t, I would comply.  I think that she feels guilty that I’m dropping off food and synching her iPod, but that is the right thing to do and that is me.  I want her surgery to go well and for her to recover quickly.  I know that she will.  I then think that sometime in December, she will start dating.  That will be a very good experience for her too.

She was not a corpse.  She was open and fairly warm, but exhausted.  Her stress that she pretends is not there has caught up with her.  It will be a wonderful thing for her to not be able to move and be forced to just think and be.  I’m glad that she will have this time and believe that it will be helpful too.  I wasn’t remotely attracted to her though, but rather just felt compassion for what she is dealing with currently.  That approach made being across from the table from her quite comfortable for me too.

I had a situation visa vi my son blow up this week.  I had to put the “smack down” without him in attendance with his father.  My ex asked me last night about my parenting woes and I told her that I don’t want to talk about it.  She called me a compartmentalizer.  I don’t think that she gets that I’m just not willing to hear her judgmental bullshit given that we are not dating.  That in addition to her belief that I’m selfish, negative, and creepy will prevent me from ever being her friend.  However, I’m very glad that we can be amiable and share space if we have to, because I don’t want to live into this song:

 

EVERYONE gets these lyrics!  I like this video that is a queer take on the gr8 Gotye song.

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Sex

So, we did finally catch up and the conversation was just fine.  It wasn’t free and easy like it was prior to our cold F2Fs this summer, but it was just fine.  It must, actually, have been better for her because then she propositioned me for sex three-and-a-half hours later.  If I feel healthy tonight I’ll go fulfill that because it’s been a month.  Yesterday I was excited for it in a lustful way, but today my cold doesn’t feel that great and because I won’t date her or even contact her–I will however respond–I would probably hook up with her monthly or a little less.  I know that I’m still in love with her, but given how she jumps my shit all the time, I’d never want anything serious with her unless we went to counseling.  She needs to get her act together with respect to conflicts with others, and that is independent of me because I told her that I didn’t want to date anymore after she marked me down and slowly cancelled plans like a blue light special.

I started feeling like it was really her who is selfish earlier last month when I tried to connect with her about feeling stressed about work and she told me to go to my psychologist.  I didn’t say, “Screw you,” but I did realize that she is not the best supporter.  She does like giving financial advice, but I think that’s distasteful, so I told her that must cease.  So, we shall see what transpires tonight.  I could go either way on sleeping at her house tonight.  I’m not antsy for it this morning like I was last night.  I do love our sex life.  I think that it’s the only thing that she doesn’t try to control.

I did head up after a I took a bike ride.  I went with a new friend.  I like her.  I like meeting new lesbians.  I spilled though and really bruised my right ring finger.  I’m not ready for a gay marriage evidently.

We talked for about an hour.  I knew that there was more that she needed to tell me and it was that she had a first date, but the woman told her that she doesn’t talk much unless it’s her best friend or her mother, so she told her that she doesn’t know how she will get to know her.  That’s fine.  I knew that this time around that given that it’s different and I won’t date her without counseling, that she would move on, and it’s really because I’m not that worth it to her.  Not meant to be.

We had good lovemaking.  However, when a dog outside was disturbing her, I could see the writing on the wall that I would be blamed for talking so I said, “You aren’t usually bothered by anything outside although it’s loud at your house, so I’m going to head home so you can sleep,” and she said, “You don’t have to put that on me.  I appreciate your need to go home if you can’t get to sleep here.”  I told her that I have not slept well in a month, but that I could tell that she is not sleeping.  I left out the fact that I would be blamed later for that.  It’s not my problem anymore.  I’m not the designated asshole.

That I don’t ever text her bothers her deeply, so I’ll text her from the soccer field tonight and say that I hope that she had an incredible day.  I will also hope that she keeps our date on Friday.  If not, I will text her each night and ask when I can bring up food for her.  I will find jokes and funny stories to e-mail to her while she recovers.  Unless my cousin goes to her party the first part of December, I’d rather stick a hot fire poker in my eye (Please note that I have borrowed her line there), so I’ll wait to Feb to make plans.  I’m pretty pragmatic.  She’ll want me if she doesn’t start dating someone.  I can do that and her anytime that she asks.  That part of our relationship always works, but we just don’t have conflict resolution skills.

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And I’ve stopped playing reindeer games

So, when she ignores my calls, it’s because I have a ludicrous, inflexible schedule, right?  When she screams at me about all my shortcomings when I’m just trying to see when I can drop off food for her during her recovery, it’s probably because of how selfish I am, right?  I can’t believe her.  She contacted a couple times during my dinner for my supervisee and I texted “You too!  Goodnight” when I got home.  She is the queen of explanations points because she’s always mad, so I am rather taken with them now.  So, this morning I emailed for her to reply back if she was available and wanted to talk–as emails make less noise when her son’s away–but BIG SHOCKER, she has not responded.

At least when she acts this way, I don’t miss her even a little.  Plus, I haven’t seen her in a month and she isn’t jumping on counseling or have I asked her any questions, so I could really give two shits if we talk today or tomorrow.  What I will do is when she’s at work, is drop off some food.  Now, I get why her ex-partner leaves toys and stuff for her son on the porch.  Makes sense to me now, because when she says that she would like to come drop stuff by, I am sure that my ex has excuses for why that doesn’t work and then blames it on her rigid schedule.

Again, to summarize: 1) I have been in an eleven-year relationship and never had any similar complaints, 2) I am nurturing and do the right thing, and 3) you really know someone in a year, and with these many issues, it would take lots of time, space, and therapy to resolve them.  So, I’m doing the latter two.  That’s what I do anyway.  I’m also patient and never try to control outcomes.  I hope that she has a wonderful weekend.

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And I want to see you

So, she wants me to meet her for a drink, and I can’t.  I have to meet with my supervisor for an hour and a half and then after that, I need to lift weights for my own mental health.  Plus, the woman who I supervise has had a pretty tough year so far, so her other supervisor who helps her work with young children and I are taking her out tonight.  I told my ex that I could meet her, but it would be really late and then she asked when my evening plans are done and I told her that I don’t really have an end time on dinner, but that we want to support our intern because it has been a tough, tough quarter for her.  And for me, as I don’t remember ever a year starting off like this for families who have kids in school.

I don’t understand why she has to contact me all of the time.  Can’t we lay low and then I’ll drop some food off for her before her surgery?  That seems most normal to me as we are not dating.  The only time that she didn’t contact me much at all was in between Memorial Day and the time that I saw her after the Fourth of July.  The reason that she didn’t stay in touch with me is because I had asked her if we could go to counseling and she didn’t have the guts to say, “No,” until she saw me and then she wanted to make me want her and presented like a corpse so I don’t want that.  She had followed up in an email saying that she had been looking at me the whole time–at that point, we hadn’t seen each other in six weeks–and that she was just scared.  However, our subsequent date she was edgy.  She doesn’t seem often to be in a very good mood when she sees me and that makes a friendship impossible.  She’s moody.  I’ve been with moody, and I don’t like it.

Because I don’t want to rush around or go somewhere late at night and then drive all the way home, I just think it best if she really does want to meet with me for a drink that we do that next Friday.  That’s fine.  I hope that she is acting nice.  I also hope that she gets that I don’t want her advice.  My friends don’t give me unsolicited advice.  I have certainly asked for advice about her when we were dating, but they don’t tell me all the time what I should do.  That’s a hot button for me, because I’m an adult and conduct my life well.  Things that I know that I should do differently, I am starting to do, and it’s because I want things to feel more streamlined and easy on the home front.  So, we shall see if she presents kind, if we can laugh, and if she does not give advice to me.  If not, we can try again later.  I do want us to be amiable.  That’s important to me.

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Steadfast

I used to say religiously, “I’m not taking her back,” and that level of black and white doesn’t even sound like me.  Now, I say, “Your actions confuse me.”  I don’t get why she texts at night before she goes into her work week at night.  She knows that I won’t just engage and be super friendly.  I will answer direct questions, but I am not going to be chatty and exchange details with someone who I have dated for ten-months total, and that I didn’t know over a year ago.  I have tons of friends to talk about the hell that I had with my son this weekend and the fact that most of it was fragmented and he played so rough with his best friend last night that he hurt him.  I talk to my FRIENDS about that.  Plus, I’m not into superficiality, but rather connection.  I had a huge dinner on Saturday with a friend who I have had a friendship with since 5th grade at one of my colleague’s houses with whom I have just gotten closer, and closer over the last 11-years.  I have connections with friends.

I would not say that I don’t need her.  Because she is the only one who I can imagine kissing.  It is interesting to me that when I kissed for the first time the girl from summer it wasn’t even nice.  She is not a good kisser.  It had been awhile since I had been with a girl who didn’t kiss well.  Like over three-years, and I was surprised that I even went further.  I was just lonely.  That’s the huge contrast currently.  I’m not lonely.  I just think that my ex is afraid of taking a step with me for a variety of reasons, but it does translate to me that I’m not worth it to her in that realm.  However, someday we will likely be quite amiable.

I told her that I won’t text unless I have to tell her something about my son or if something would happen let’s say to my parents.  Otherwise, I will drop off a lot of food and visit her a couple of days before her surgery so I can synch her iPod.  I love a playlist that I made that is the namesake of one of my current blogging categories.  “I’m not the one to try to tell you lies, but the truth is that you’ve been hiding from it too,” are incredible lyrics as are many from the other 14 songs that I put on there.  Instead of speaking through the subterfuge of lyrics solely, I will also make a playlist of about 30 triumphant songs too so she has something to listen to while recovering.  I don’t think that I wrote that I was exactly right, and that is that she tore some of her muscles in the area where they took her son out when she had him.  I knew that she didn’t have cancer.  When you’re in love with someone and intimate with them, you just would know if he or she was sick.

I remember this summer a rather innocuous conversation that we had and it was nice.  I remember realizing that you probably can be friends with an ex, and I do believe that.  My friend and colleague who I cooked with this weekend said, “No you can’t!  You are in love with her and that won’t work!”  I told her in a few years I’ll be able to be her friend.  Again, she lives so far away from me that it won’t be close, I am sure, but what would honestly crush me is seeing her out by chance and have her be completely cold.  She is good at that too, so I’d rather just build some amiability.  I think that in my heart, I know that she really fears going to counseling with me and a woman like me presents real challenges for her.  When she withdraws, I’d really rather just know where she is at, so I can hold her tight, but like another Cameron Crowe line she is “not built that way,” so I really will just hold out.  I will not just sleep with some girl to numb this pain, because that is not what I’m looking for either.

I want to find someone

  1. Sexy
  2. Funny
  3. Smart
  4. Who I see and just feel a chemical hit
  5. Who truly wants to completely connect to me
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Bad Day

Although really not that bad of a day yesterday, it was definitely not my favorite.  And my son didn’t get much sleep so he was a holy terror.  Cancellation of my friend’s son coming to dinner made him cry, so he tried to play with one of my best friend’s daughters, but they are very different, so I think last night he was a little bored.  He also was in a very strange mood during the cookie decorating with his godmother and his “cousins,” so it was just an off day.  We have those.

I went to bed at a decent hour and even did 20-minutes of cardio this morning.  I explained to my son that tomorrow would be the only practice that I would miss of his because I need to get back on my weight lifting and he understood this morning saying, “Well, it’s not like you’d miss a game!”  He gets it.  He is a pretty cool kid.  Now, I’m drinking coffee and reflecting.

I get that conflict is inevitable, but I don’t want to fight dirty.  Name calling and bringing up old resentments that you never get over should not typify your fights though.  Should we ever go to counseling, I’d like to start there.  However, I must note that I have spent three-years kinda like this, because I’m sure that folks know that drunks fight just like that too.  I just don’t want that in my love relationship.

I want someone who treats me well and when I aggravate her, she and I take space and then talk about it.  I would prefer to know how long that space is, because in my last relationship it just seemed indefinite, and then I’d be waiting around and getting nervous and when I’d engage her in conversation she would either snap at me or attack.  It sucked.  I don’t want that again.  I had read once in a marriage and family textbook that couples who fight well can do the long haul, so that’s what I want the next time around.  I want to resolve conflicts.  I will look through my old entries that I have kept since 2009 and see if that is normal for me.  Have I always wanted to resolve conflicts well?

Right now in addition to really pounding homework, I need to work in counseling on what I should address and that is my need to manage feelings of rejection.  I don’t know how long the haul will be, because I feel pretty sane.  I’m not in the imbalanced dance that I was five-years ago even remotely.  However, I am on the track of self-improvement, so I would like to work on what came up for me this time around so I can go into my next venture, or go to counseling with my ex with an idea of what will help me move forward.

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Never settling

I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be.  Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast.  What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight.  And God, does she fight mean.  It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated.  She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?”  Nope.

It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain.  Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed.  I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad.  I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance.  I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it.  That is my stuff though.  I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner.  I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.

In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed.  I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision.  The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb.  Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song.  I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done.  Might as well keep doing it.”  The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build.  You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain.  With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much.  It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”

Now, I want to be alone.  I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete.  Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone.  The first time was when I was 14.  The second time was when I was 23.  The next time was when I was 33.  Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain.  There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”

 

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My place

So, I went out with a friend last night, and I really wish in most ways that I had known that my best friend was hosting a karaoke night, because that is much more my speed, but I did get some insights from the friend with whom I spent last evening.  It really is great to have so many friends who work in mental health.  She told me that our relationship has the perpetual flavor of “I will leave you first.”  I can honestly say that I have never done that with a girl, so it is spurned by a super shitty dynamic that only she and I create.  I get that she has a control and abandonment flavor, but no matter how sexy she is, I must not take her back.  If I see her again and she has been sexually untoward, I must say, “I will definitely see you.  Here are the three names for psychologists and social workers that I have.  Phone screen them and tell me where to meet you or trust me and I will make the appointment.”  That has to be it.

Additionally, I know in the bottom of my heart that she is interested in the woman with whom I will have a playdate and probably a couple of others who actually live in her county.  I am intuitive, and she would not continue to ride my ass about “someone” if she didn’t have a woman closer than I who is a prospect.  I am not going to text–something that I’m good at–and I have changed my mind about sending a letter asking for counseling. She, of course, emailed yesterday, and I wrote that I would go to couples’ counseling with her in a heartbeat, but ironically there is not time.  And there isn’t!  Like I always say, “We are not aging in reverse!”

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Self of Therapist

OK, it is finally D-day because someone who calls you a big baby when she hurts your feelings is not your partner…  So, I have to ask her why she went from it will be great to see you to, let’s play it by ear to, save gas and let’s see if we can work tomorrow out.

  • She told me that it was because she wanted free time with her son like I was currently having and that then when she heard that I’d be closer to her Sunday see if that could work out, but without me re-arranging

Translation:  I want to control whether or not you get to see me, and I’m much more interested in connecting with this other woman who you live to close to, because I was attracted to her initially, and want to know who you live by and possibly will spend time with at times.

I have to ask her lots of questions.

  • I, in fact, asked her few questions, and when she said, “I know who you’ll date next and I will send the name to you in an envelope,” I told her openly that I’m interested in the engineer and she LOST it.  I am honest, I don’t regret it, and although my interest is not sexual at this point, and I can acknowledge that I still am in love with my ex, I am intrigued by the engineer and very attracted to her stability.

When did she go from in just a short time I love you and your son and want to say move in here and enroll him at the local elementary?

  • I couldn’t ask her this questions, because she only sees that we trigger each other and continues not to acknowledge her back and forth with me.

How does she see our fights?

  • She doesn’t think that we fight all of the time even when I told her that it follows a monthly cycle.

Why do you pull away from me when things get intense or scary for you?

  • She said that she didn’t consciously this time when she had her health scare and if not talking and then changing plans last minute is not pulling away, then we don’t see emotional connection in the same way at all.

Why did she say that she couldn’t go to therapy after reflecting for six-weeks because she didn’t want anybody to poke around in her head?

  • I didn’t ask this question either, but if you have read any of the entries that I wrote from winter, I think that you know the answer, because I certainly do.  I also want to point out that it is snowing today, and so I get the whole cycle now.

Why does she continue to say what our friendship could look like if that’s not really what she was focusing on, because it felt like that is what she wanting?

  • I have that answer too.  Because she doesn’t want a friendship.  I have hateful texts and have been blocked from her social media and also from her cell phone, I am sure, because she told me that she was going so.

So, what have I learned?  I am capable of deep, connected love.  I like to keep in the tip top physical shape.  I give second, third, and many chances because I am adaptable.  I really had grieved our relationship toward the end of last spring.  I had gotten very intrigued by how different she had appeared in August and was quite hopeful, but that hope started to fade quickly when I realized that we would be back in our monthly cycle.  What is interesting to me is that when I blocked the drunk, it was because she threatened my life, and I am blocked because I threaten her heart.  It is too bad that we can’t be friends, but it is just as well that our relationship completely ended in a clean manner.

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Firm

I think that  I get lured in because she’s sexy and because we do have great sexual intimacy, but I was reflecting on why that is and I think that is where her guard is down.  Otherwise she is guarded, scared and angry particularly when someone is close.  It’s not like she hasn’t been giving me warnings…  She told me the last weekend that I saw her that we could have an amazing friendship if we didn’t work out, and I told her that it wouldn’t be close.  She was pissed and said, “Well, then we can have a friendship with no depth.”  I told her that the depth would always be there given what we shared, but that if we didn’t work out as partners a close friendship is inappropriate.  So, I think that we are social media friends.  My friends and I don’t have fights where we call each other basically big babies and make accusations about each other’s characters and that is because I wouldn’t have someone with those types of characteristics as a close friend.  She is an ex who I loved more deeply than I thought capable.

I have four best friends.  One is from middle school, so he is basically like a childhood friend.  I don’t see him often, but because of history we have good times around the holidays and the like.  I don’t think that he selects good mates for him, and I know that he misses his sons, but he doesn’t see one at all and the other he only talks to weekly on the phone.  This is probably why I don’t see him frequently. Meaning that he and I don’t lead our lives in the same fashion.  I have another best friend from graduate school and I have been there as she is getting healthy with relationship, which is admirable.  I think I’m getting closer, but am not quite where she is.  I do have an example of when we have fought…  She stopped talking to me for almost three months when my ex broke up with me after New Year’s Day this year.  She told me that I should not invite in crazy, and I guess that I have gotten something out of her instability for the past nine-months off and on.  I just can’t navigate mean and I told this best friend that yesterday on the phone–she lives on the East Coast.  She was right though and I have to send her something this week, so I need to tell her that because I neglected to do so on the phone.

I have another best friend who I met because I did contract work for her.  She also lives far away and because I just haven’t had pay increases really while stuff continues to rise in cost, I don’t see her too much and she’s not a phone person.  However, we always do have each other’s back and we have had some wild times together that I miss.  Although those types of times have passed, we got even closer during them when we were doing things that we probably uncharacteristic of us.  My last best friend lives here…  It is very hard to see her frequently because I seem to drive my son to his classes all the time.  I miss her, because it is so easy to be with her.  Her youngest kids are in between the age of my son, and she simply loves it when I cook for her.  I won’t be driving 80-miles in a roundtrip anymore to see a woman whom I am dating, so I think that every other Thursday I can see her again, which will be great for us and our kids.  I write this because I’m covered on the friend front.  I also have a whole bunch of other friends too who I see less frequently, and there is now a couple from the trip my ex and I made to the mountains who I’m interested in knowing more.  One is a Mom who I have interest in because she lives close, is outdoorsy, and has a daughter my son’s age.  Another is a neighbor and I have interest in her that I can’t define yet.  She is cute.  I look forward to a bike ride with her soon.

So, great sex does not a partnership make.  Especially when you can assume that most of it is an extension of a couple of perfectionists who are fairly sexual.  I put qualifier on it only for her, because she tends to withdraw there a lot when her mood goes south.  That has gotten old too.

First, project engineer shall begin.  I need to check when she is back stateside as she went on a very cool trip for her 40th.  I kinda still crush on the girl 10-years younger than me, but I really think that a friendship is more responsible.  We shall see how Ms Roadbiker and I are meant to develop.   I’m open to novelty and seeing where things go with other girls.  I am actually excited to date again, and I HATE dating.  I told a friend yesterday that I just fear getting too good at it.

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I’m different

It occurred to me yesterday when I was telling her some details about my day that I’m the one who is really different in this relationship.  She has reminded me that we are just dating, well, then that’s what I’ll show up for and it’s not much really.  I have dated–lots.  That means that we will probably talk right before most weekends and just see each other and that’s it.  The thing is that we talked everyday for six-months, and then it got weird, so we began the dance of what 7th graders tend to do and that’s the break-up/make-up cycle and then I was completely fed up with it Memorial Day, so I bounced.

At that point (May), I was surprised that it was completely over and I was definitely listening to her HeyTells a bunch the following morning, but unfortunately, I wanted to leave a message for a friend and it was on her name in the menu, so I accidentally left her a blank one and that is how we began talking again.  I asked her to go to counseling.  She answered that question f2f six-weeks later and when the answer was, “No,” I had a fling with a semi-friend–who is actually too intense for me–and then when she found out about it, she FLIPPED.  That was odd, because when she wouldn’t go to counseling, I figured that we were done forever.  I had two dates that Sunday.  That knowledge caused her to take me off her social media and not talk to me for 12-hours and then she demanded to see me.  I think that is the only reason that she had sex with me, tbh.  “If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone to.”  Our sex life is good, so if we can have sex once or twice a month that is fine by me.

We would need counseling though.  She is finalizing the property divisions between her and her ex-partner.  She was with her I think for about 6-years, and now, 7-years later, they are finally splitting their properties and the older children are really out of the picture.  That is a long divorce.  I don’t move that slow.  I do wait and observe, but not for 7-years.

I don’t think that she will go to couples’ counseling with me in January.  I think that is why she told me that I should see my psychologist when I was venting about work.  I am currently quite professionally dissatisfied.  I know what I need to do though, and will do it.  I don’t need to pay money to see my psychologist like she suggested.  In fact, like a guy, she is too quick with advice most of the time, so I probably won’t tell her what’s going on for me.  Doesn’t effect dating much, but would effect a partnership.  We couldn’t have a partnership anyway without some direct work with a therapist, so I will probably just date her for awhile.  I do need to get my doctorate done as a first priority, so when I can see her, great.  That’s really it for me.  I’m no different than where I came to on Memorial Day

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Unsteady

We had a rough night on my bday.  I think that I need to remind myself that she truly does drive the bus and tends toward a more rigid view of that when she is stressed or shaken.  That can work or it won’t.  I’m not going to invest all my soul into something that is not reciprocal.

I drove up on Thursday and unfortunately her check-up appointment did not go at all well.  She will have to have surgery.  This will translate into my being unable to support because she admitted that she will push me away if she is truly sick.  I think that I understand that, because if the tables were turned, I would not ask for help from her because of how far away she is.  I think that I would ask one of my friends who is single to move in rent-free so I wouldn’t have to go back to my folks’.  In my heart, I know that she is not really sick, but has torn an area that had become weaker when she had her son.

Friday was good.  Connecting with her friends surrounded by beauty was wonderful.  The rough accommodations for sleep made me feel lucky that we could go back on Saturday.  I know that leaving all the women was both a good and bad thing, but I just wanted to connect to her completely.  Her son had gotten pretty sick.  We took good care of him and he was well enough to ride bikes with us on Sunday.  Monday I drove back down and worked.  Now, I’m sick.  Not super sick, but I do have a sore throat and am tired.  I’m glad that we will know what type of surgery or course of treatment she needs as of today.

Our connection is good.  She said that the weekend taught her that we travel well together and show up in a social situation well together too.  I agree with both of those conclusions.

I also know that there is very little chance that I would ever date another mother again.  It doesn’t appeal to me for a variety of reasons.  I don’t want to juggle someone else’s kids, I don’t want tons of inflexible time compromises, and I would rather start fresh with kids of our own if partnership was possible.  I have fallen completely in love with her son, and I would not want to loose him either.  I don’t want that.  I also don’t want to chase girls anymore.  I want to do half or less of the legwork.  If we don’t work out, I would wait for girls to come to me, and I mean that.  I don’t like it when I extend myself and I don’t get texts back and the like.

Last night she was in overly positive mode, which is disingenuous.  When I am sick, I tend to seek out people who make me laugh so I can have a distraction.  The night when I had already fallen asleep she texted that she wished that I was there to hold her and that she was sorry for the emotional volatility.  I actually don’t feel like she impacts me in that way.  I know her.  There are superficial things that I don’t know about her, but I know how she shows up.  Right now, she will push me away for awhile, and that is what she does when she is dealing with things.  That’s ok, because I never contacted her first all summer, so I can keep busy with life all the while getting my doctorate done.  I also know enough about dating, so if we are meant to continue, life won’t get in the way.

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Immediacy

So, when I work with kids and also do some work with adults I sometimes have to ask them, “Where are you right now and what are you experiencing?”  That kind of in-the-moment focus helps one not drudge up the past and also aids the ability of a person to be fully present and focused on moving forward.  She came over late last night and we just enjoyed each other fully, and I also made a full breakfast this morning for both of us and my son.  One of the highlights was when my son’s dog busted into the bedroom and lain her body on her.  I told her, “That one is mine, and you’ll have to find your own.”  She loves her and it is obviously reciprocal.  We wound up being all of us piled in the bed and she held my son too.  It was a sweet morning.

Last night she told me that she wanted to get naked and I said, “Well, that sounds great to me,” and she quickly followed it up my affirmation by saying, “Well, not a naked cuddle.  My intention is to fuck, so I just want to be clear.”  I actually really like how direct she is, and still hold that hers and my sex life is incredible and would be impossible to parallel.  We had quite a lot of sex and then drifted off to music via my iPod in a docking station.  It was nice.  We would have had some more lovemaking this morning, but we got in pj’s because my son was awake and all cuddled together eventually.  I can still smell her perfume in my room and will be missing her tonight while she is in the mountains with her mother and son and some of her “adopted” family.

I told her that I just want to hang out with her.  She told me that she just has to be sure.  I told her that there is no “for sure” things, but that I’m not about to bottom line our situation or think that she should trust me within 6-months.  She said that if I gave her an ultimatum, she would bounce.  I didn’t remind her that I told her that I didn’t want to continue after we had tried to reconnect in July and she presented like a corpse, and that it was she who continued to contact me constantly.  I honestly thought because I had hooked up with a girl a few times, and also had two different dates with two different girls that we would never speak again.  Then she got it, and that was if we truly were operating with immediacy, we need to just enjoy and not be so damn guarded.  Saying, “my intention is to fuck” is a great start.  We need to stay here…  Laughing, talking, enjoying each other and our intimacy as best as we are able given very busy and separate lives.

I still love her and told her all last night and this morning.  We do love each other.  We do have incredible amounts of passion and wonderful intimacy in convo and also the sexual realm.  I know that we are in love, and hope that we have the ability for a commitment.  She told me that I treat her better, am not selfish, and say things that are sweeter and sound different than they did before.  She is still grieving her loss, working on finalizing all aspects of her “divorce” from her partner who she has not been with in 7-years, and just wants me, to be me.  I can do that.  It’s the only way I know.

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Actually different

I get it now, but it took all this time away and my holding that her ability to withdraw emotionally from me would not work ever again.  I want to maintain a connection with her, and don’t want her to pull away when she is scared or when she feels like she has to control a situation.  The only thing that I think that wigs her out right now is that I slept with a girl when we were separated this summer.  I also had a couple of other dates too.  I don’t think that she understands that I just take what she says to me at face value, so if we are broken up, I’ll do whatever.  Ultimately, I’m looking for a partner and one to raise my son with in the end.

I knew that I was in trouble when she got out of her driveway and that was more than a month ago.  My attraction to her is intense and consuming, which is why I didn’t want to see her.  So, we talked and laughed and she said some funny stuff to me.  I kept turning red, which is actually completely ridiculous when you have been with a woman for eight months, but she still really does it for me.  At one point she said, “How many times are you going to get into your pantry when you blush?”  She also made some jokes about being dead inside and I told her that I was glad that there was no formaldehyde anywhere around because I just wanted us to be genuine with one another.  So, we were.  It was easy.

I do understand that this venture won’t be all easy, but I don’t want any of that back and forth bullshit that we had.  So, I just lay low and wait until she wants to connect.  With all the shit that goes on in her life, I’m glad that she does make as much time for me as she does, and it’s a lot.  We had a nice weekend together this weekend.  It was a date on Friday and a little connection plus time with her son on Saturday.  That is good enough for me.  I’m just going to see how things play out this year, and then go from there.

I still love our sex life.  I still think that she is funny and sexy.  I love her eyes.  Her body feels perfect in my hands.  I very much like that she thinks that I’m funny, a great lover, and that I’m smart and intellectually stimulate her.

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Never over

I let her have dinner with me two weeks ago.  I don’t know what this experience will ultimately entail, but I know that based on some interpersonal work that she is doing, that she is different.  I know too, that she wonders if she’s lost me or if I will suddenly starting dating someone.  She was funny and open, and that’s a side that I have not seen since last fall.  She is in there, but is scared that I will just decide to explore intimately one of the connections that I have with either of these girls.

The first girl is obscenely too young for me.  A ten-year age different also involves some stage of life disconnects that would impact a relationship significantly.  It is also obvious that she is mad at me for breaking our date last weekend, but I don’t have the bandwidth to see two girls at once.  She was somewhat remote yesterday and promised to call Sat, and did not, so I didn’t say when I approached her that I was back seeing my ex.  No reason to when after our date you didn’t contact me much.  I think that I got one text, so it was simple for me two weeks ago to say that I had too much going on and couldn’t keep our date.

The other girl is quite reserved and shy, so she won’t make a move and honestly, she would be a wonderful friend to me, and that should be where it stays.  I seek passion.  She gives me those non-hug hugs as well, so nothing will ever happen.  I kind of am an introvert collector, but it’s been much easier for me to date an extrovert.  I’d rather that she and I just spend time together to get a good friendship on track anyway, because my extremely social lifestyle would put her over the edge if we had a relationship.

I had to change some plans with my ex this past weekend and she came unhinged.  I reacted too much to it too.  I need to remember that she has not gone on a vacation in 8-years and that she works around the clock most weeks.  I don’t want to call her at work again, but will answer when I am able at my work.  Changing plans is not good, but I don’t come unhinged when they are changed.  I’m ultimately more flexible and patient though.

The appeal still is that last fall was gorgeous in every way, and that we have a deep emotional and physical connection.  She held me tight on Saturday night and told me that she was too spent to make love and told her that was fine.  She said, “Who is this?” I told her most of the truth, and that was that sex will usually happen if you have a strong connection and I noted that during our summer of separation.  Another factor is that for a minute this summer, I kinda dated a girl who would have shown up to do me any day of the week, and that left me empty.  I want my sexual activities to matter every time that I do it.  Yesterday morning we had a couple hours of wonderful contact that was some of the best that we have ever had.

I just want to hang out with her when it makes sense, less the intensity that ultimately feeds problems.  I don’t have to engage when she is angry about something that has only to do with me on the periphery.  I could date, but I don’t want to date.  It’s too much work unless someone is honest about being into you and has confidence and drive to meet you half-way.  I’d rather get the things done that I have to, and continue to work on a possibility for relationship with my ex.  It seems crazy, but deep, passionate love is crazy.

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BME

So, I talked with my ex last night and the conversation felt comfortable.  I wound up thinking, “Maybe it is possible to to friends with an ex?”  However, today when she learned that I had some dates, and of course, sex, she FREAKED out.  I don’t have anything to apologize for a damn thing that I do, as we are not together, but she wigged completely out.  Let it be known that she and I had not had any intimacy for three months.    She continues to tell me about all the offers that she gets, but that she can’t take any of them because she “cares for me” and that is not even accurate.  She had told me about a reading that she had done said that this is her closure year and not a good time to start a relationship, so that’s the reason.  Whatever the reason, you broke up with me every month for three and in the third, I started agreeing with you.  Tonight, you told me in an e-mail that you’d go to therapy with me.  However, that is not bait that I will take.  Have your date on Thursday.  Good for you!

I had two today.  I thought that this girl from church was really cute, so I asked her out.  We picnicked and took a long walk around the park.  I embraced her after we parted after a couple of hours and she squeezed my right bicep.  Yep.

My cycling partner introduced me to this other woman who came to dinner tonight.  She dressed up, brought wine, and talked at length with me.  I liked this evening.  I was worried that she didn’t talk, but she does, and is smart and very stable.  I liked her.  She is a week and two years older than me.  My first date (lunch) is 10-years younger.

Wow.  There is certainly a beginning, middle, and end when you break up completely with the woman who you thought that you were going to marry.  And I’m very interested to see what shall unfold with these two women.  I had a great ending to my weekend!

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The Good Fight

What will I do if I still feel this way after next fall?  It has been so beastly hot as of late that I will just be glad for the season to turn, but honestly if she continues to hold so much weight over my heart, what will I do?  Nothing seems to help.  We were so damn happy last fall, and nothing compares to the way that I felt then or how much of myself I gave to her.  I’m not sure when or if those conditions could be met again.  I could do some low maintenance thing with a girl, but I probably could not give too much of myself and that is not fair.  The last girl who I dated was just too needy and thought that she was beyond reproach, but I wonder what would happen if I met a really incredible girl?  Would I even “see” her?  I’m incredulous.  I wish that there was some way for my ex and I to actually be together and enjoy each other without rancor.  I am still in love with her.

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NOT who I’m looking for

I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl.  We need to go back to a friendship.  To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating.  Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development.  It’s too relationship-oriented for me too.  If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth.  But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex.  I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.

Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing.  I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her.  I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek.  Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.