Tag Archives: Gay

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Party

And, she came to a party with me.  No, let’s be honest, she had little warning, bought a costume and then talked with total strangers and met two of my best friends.  No woman has ever done that for me.

Now I did do some stuff like this for my ex who controlled me.  She had a day long party with the morning being for her son and the evening being a Christmas party.  That day was brutal because I drove 40-miles to her son’s 2nd bday party, drove 35-miles to my parent’s house to drop my son back off, and then drove 35-miles back to her house.  Brutal.  Not only was she mad that night when I wanted to have sex with her, but we had an awkward breakfast because she and her cousin had thrown away my favorite hat that my son had lain in the mud room.

My girlfriend, totally last minute, came to the house of two of my dear friends.  They love my son, and are so good with him.  Their little boy is a complete doll.  My girlfriend talked with them.  We talked with a couple of teachers–one of whom I did some school-based consultation for last spring–we laughed.  Then when we were sitting with each other, laughing, I said that I wanted to put my hands in her little skimpy forrest girl outfit.  She had leather on her waistline too.  Smoking hot.  We stayed at the party until it completely cleared out.  My son went home in her car.  It was his first front seat ride.  🙂

We did the nighttime routine.  It was agony to change into pj’s in my bedroom with her.  I caught a glance of her beautiful breasts and her perfect, perfect porcelain skin.  Then I read to my son, tucked him in and returned to her.  More laughter.  More depth in conversation.  Two rounds of incredible sex.  Then I was drifting off, so she cuddled me, said that she was taking her leave, and I will see her tonight <3.

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Just like the rest of it

I figured that we would listen to music, read, maybe talk about some stuff, etc.  I pulled her into my house and started kissing her and she moved to the couch.  Then, I said, “We don’t have to do it on the couch like teenagers, I have a big bed and we can do that.”  Then when we adjourned, we talked and laughed.

And LAUGHED.  I can’t believe how much we laugh and how similar our sense of humor is.  Did you know that this dynamic will create goodness for us and our relationship?  Check out #12.

#12 may be good, but it’s also weird

God, I can’t believe how satisfying it was too.  We got to it after about half an-hour of talking and kissing.  Then it was obvious that we were sooooo compatible sexually.  At one point, she gasped and said, “My Gaaaawd.  This is the first time too.  Seriously?!?”  Then, it was back to more cuddling and eventually some more sex.  Finally after 2, she realized that I had to sleep because I had class, but I didn’t want her to leave.  I said, “We should do it as many more times as we are able.  I love it when the sun is coming up.”  She indicated that she has always wanted to do that, and I thought about it, and it’s only happened for me about three times total.

When I think about our lovemaking, I realize that is just our dynamic.  We don’t stop too well.  She almost didn’t leave at all.  I can’t wait until Sunday.  I haven’t been with an actual lesbian in YEARS.  We laugh, we connect, we are hopeful.  I’m really in love.

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Pandora

I stream it all the time.  However, I do think that making love to her tonight will be like opening a lot of doors, windows, and perhaps breaking through walls.  She is going to come over very soon.  She is dog sitting though and can’t spend the night.  I have class first thing in the morning, which will be difficult because I didn’t sleep much this week.  Yesterday and today were also a complete wash at work, because all I could do was think about her.

Being able to delay it anymore was not an option anyway, because last night we made out for most of the night and lost where we were.  I could barely muster enough gumption to finally leave, and got home super late and as a result got very little sleep.  I know that you just can’t keep that up waiting for sex when you are kissing like we were and have that much chemistry.  Then there is this whole backdrop to our relationship wherein I had the love at first sight nearly a year-and-a-half ago, and she felt my energy even before I had fully entered the house then.  She remembered the month, what I had in my hands, and then the way that she felt.  I told her that a woman as beautiful as her who had a brand-new girlfriend was irritating to me.  The irritation grew as I realized how easily we talked and how compatible we were over the course of the next year.

Now, we have talked about what we both want, and that is building something with each other.  I’m not even scared, because she is so different than any woman who I have been with, and seems to be seeking laughter, being open, having a spiritual connection to the world and to want someone who is affirmative and attracted to who she is.  She is smoking hot and completely sexy.  We laughed so hard last night that the deepest muscles in our stomachs ached.  We talked about everything under the sun.  God and how journeys unfold was a topic that came up organically as we made a meal in her little kitchen.  From the minute we embraced in her living area and I could feel her against me, I felt more passion than I can remember.  I whispered in her ear, “The women who you have been with are completely crazy.  I would never have a moment when I didn’t want to have sex with you.”   She laughed and started kissing me.

I’m a little bit scared about the sexual intimacy.  I have to admit that.  I know that I’m good in bed, but it’s been forever–nearly 11-months–and these stakes are so high.  It shall also yield NEVER going back.  It also will solidify that we are falling in love.  We will have changed and I will crave her even more than I already do.

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Go, set, ready

I told her that I am into her.  I told her that when I was really used to these miserable dog walks with my ex, that her contrast of asking me to swing with her on a playground melted me.  It did.  She is sweet and light.  That just comes naturally from her.  I had a strong crush on her for two-months last spring, and now we can just date.  It’s just that the period for us started many months later.

She’s funny and sarcastic.  She understands the shit that I have been through with my last girlfriends and women who I have dated.  Much of this is because my friend has talked about me to her, and the rest is because she always had a girlfriend when we would talk or get together, and being lesbians, we would share stuff about our current relationships.  Something that she has told me more than once is that she wants to select a girl who wants to have sex with her.  That has historically not been a problem for me.  In fact, it often works in the other direction when I first start having sex with a girl, because it follows a pattern:

  1. I can’t sleep too well
  2. I wake up early
  3. I have a date or two with a girl
  4. I wonder when we will have a night together
  5. When we do, and because it has been so long since I have had sex, I wake up super early and…

Do you actually tell a girl that?!?  How would that work?  “Hey, listen, all of my girlfriends have given me a start time in the morning when I’m allowed to make sexual advances.  It has ranged from 7 – 10 am.”  I’m not going to tell her any of this tonight, but I do want her to know it.

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OK, Will Robinson

Damn.  I don’t think that I’m cut out for ten-months of celibacy.  I also think that the last woman who I dated is actually straight.  There is a guy who is a life friend of hers who she recently hooked up with who told her that she “needs a girl.”  I think that I was a point or rather a follow-through for her so she could tell a man whose opinion she respects highly, and thinks the world of.  I believe now that she wouldn’t have approached me at all had this lifetime friend who she had just been with not told her that she needs to be with a woman.

Anyway, I was talking with the woman who my son and I are having dinner with on Thursday tonight.  She offered a chat instead of an email, and I called her right away.  It’s crazy to me that six-weeks ago she and I were at a crossroads.  She was going to try to make an effort with the girl who she thought that she should now date exclusively since she and her girlfriend were completely done, and I was excited to have a possibility.  That was six weeks ago.  Now, we are both completely single and very clear.

That’s not a good place for me to begin.  I have all of this pent up attraction for her, and I also have a libido from hell right now.  I want to have sex.  I still run the risk of being a pig.

I asked her, “Can I say something completely arrogant?”  After I had apologized for it, I said, “How can you be feeling my arms and my shoulders and running your hands all over them, and then feel me up, but stop?  How can that happen?  I have some features that aren’t that great, but how can you be doing that to me and then that’s the end of it?  I really think that she is straight.  Seriously.  She should just go back to men.”  She laughed and it was that breathy kind when you know someone is blushing.

She talked about one of her exes who I know some stuff about.  She said that she called her “abusive” all of the time.  This woman is so sweet and kind.  She could never be abusive.  Then she said, “Something that you should know about me is that I’m abusive.”  I told her, “Well, I’m not too worried, because you’re taller, but I’m bigger and I can probably overpower you.”  She said, “I don’t know, I’ve gotten really into my morning practice [and then she names some martial arts strengthening practice].”  We laughed.  I said, “I think that I’d like that.  You could try to abuse me, but I’d really get something out of that.”

Well, I am not known for subtlety.  I also told her that it has been way too long since I have had sex.  I asked her if a six-week wait is long enough and she laughed and said, “Of course that is!”  So, six weeks from October 22, is right at my year mark.  If things feel good on Thursday, then I want to take her to a movie and make her dinner next weekend.  I would love that actually.  I don’t know if what I promised this morning with a slow, organic pace is something that we will be able to do easily.  I think that we both have some attraction, so we probably will just start dating.

It’s maybe not dangerous.  It’s just flowing, and the current is stronger.  Finally both of us are single and maybe we can see.  It will make our friend who lived in HI for sometime and has now moved to CA very happy.  I have always wondered about her, and felt a real wow the very first time that I saw her.  It’s never gone away, and I wonder if we can get together finally.

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Keep up this pace

I’m unsure if I will ever get to have a conversation with my former girlfriend.  I’m tending toward thinking that just reconnecting with our kids occasionally, and starting that after the first of the year is best.  One of my friends said it best, “I’m ready for a relationship–PSYCH!”  Although I laughed really hard and it made me feel better and like she got it, it’s actually really sad.  If you think that starting that conversation in any type of text is ok, then honestly, you are really a mess.  I have compassion for her.  That is bad judgment and lacks some empathy too.  Although I do love her, I wouldn’t want to talk to her at this point.  And, I’m not going to.  When she calls, I will listen the voicemail and when I can will text, “I don’t want to take your calls.  You initiated this topic of conversation in email, so it’s just as well that this thread ends there.  I’ll shoot you an email tonight.  Maybe we can connect in person with our kids in a few months.  _______ loves your boys.”

You may remember the-girl-next-door or my friend from the swings.  This is how I met her.  I was off with my ex, because that is what she would do, she would break up with me for months.  It was the summer of 2012.  One of my dearest friends was home from HI at that point, and I went to one of her friend’s houses who is kinda my friend too.  A woman who I had heard about for nearly ten-years was supposed to also come to her house because she had just moved back from the NW, and I had just met her sisters.  They were really cute.  All strawberry blonds, tall, and lanky.  Then, enter HER–she was chilling and resting when I got in the house.  In a sundress so her sleeve tatt was completely exposed.  Some moments actually are breathtaking.  We shook hands and then she smiled her sweet smile.  I kept thinking, “Why did you JUST have to have met a new girl?!?”

But, that was June of 2012.  Flashforward to February of this year when I had dinner with her and her same girlfriend who she had just met upon moving home. That night was pivotal for me.  I was still very attracted to her, but because I felt so at ease in her mother’s house (They were house sitting.) and around them, I just tabled it.  The night was incredible.  I posted the food, which is a little crazy as I blog incognito, but what was most salient was that I just had easy fun.  I never had times like that with my ex.  I don’t mean this six-week stint with the beautiful woman, but I mean the woman who has imparted so much to me, that I can’t be anything, but grateful.  Most times with her were miserable or she was on my ass.  This night with the-girl-next-door and her girlfriend was a blast.  It was fun and easy.  It fueled me.

Then we had that Sunday afternoon this past March.  The one in which her girlfriend was doing homework.  We actually played on the swings!  Then my crush began.  So, it started as a love at first sight thing, and then moved into a crush that I tabled.  However, we must also note that when I found out that she was single late this summer, I was THRILLED.  Then I found out that another woman was in that mix; although, it was that both of them had another woman who they slept with, those resulted in impacts.  I think that open is hard to do well, and that is the one thing that makes me jealous.  I’m not a jealous person, but sex and kissing is something that I don’t want my girlfriend to be doing with anyone else while she is with me.

Her relationship ended on Saturday, and I think that mine did too, but I was foolish, and didn’t know it until very late on Sunday night.  When we hung up on Saturday morning, she said, “I’ll text you later.”  She never contacted me again.  So, I just did what I had been doing over the last three-weeks and that was send her a well-wishing email.  I certainly received her perspective, but just can’t follow what she does.  I was only supposed to connect with her on Friday with our friend, and our boys, and then she told me her plans with them and the start time on Saturday, and I said, “Why don’t you just get that all settled there, and then text when you’re ready for another adult to join and I’ll just meet up with you?”  She liked that then.  That is the case with her, she likes some ideas on the fly, but then who knows what will still sound good to her.  That now includes me.  I’m worth way too much.

So, here I am.  I’m seeing a woman on Thursday for dinner who has always been my friend, but who I have had a crush on for over a year-and-a-half.  She needs some space.  She has not been with the woman who was in the middle of her breakup with her girlfriend in a month, but she has had some dates with another woman.  This particular woman is only friendship material though.

I just got out of something that had major potential from only my pov at the beginning of this week.  So, I am going to need a minute too.  I just want space from the woman who I was dating.

Dinner with the-girl-next-door.  I don’t need to kiss her.  I do want to get my arms around her and laugh with her.  She is also easy for me. My son will be there, because she has always known my son.  She is really good with him too.  My heart was about to burst watching her with him this past March.  (That entry is entitled, “A little danger,” or something to that effect, if you’re interested.)

He never fails to notice anything, so I’ll just bet that when we are driving back home that he will ask again and again if he will still get to see the boys.  That’s what I will preserve.  I don’t have any plans to begin those efforts for awhile.  She needs space to get through telling me that she doesn’t want to date.  I need some space from having the tablecloth pulled off the table, but then realizing that the stemware is unscathed.  I can thank my ex for that.  She has ensured that I am nearly formidable.

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That was a record

I sent her a little encouraging, well-wishing email yesterday, and I got back a corpse-like response right before bedtime.  It wasn’t even signed, “Love,” and was formal and business-like.  It’s saying that we are not working for her and that she knows some of what it is, but it’s not helpful to email.  I am leaning toward just leaving it at “Ouch,” and that I didn’t see it coming and feel foolish.  I’m not known for brevity, so it’s not like I didn’t write more, but I’m not inclined to having a conversation about it.  That’s where I am when I woke up.  I feel like if you write a Dear John email, it’s not only distasteful, but it is also slightly mean.  I was very kind to her and her family.

I texted the woman with whom I had that emotional affair and told her that the worst thing was that I have to tell my son.  I got some clarity while talking to her via text.  I don’t have to say much of anything.  I can keep saying that she is busy, because she is, and that I don’t know when he will see her little boys again.  And, I don’t.  When he pushes me, and he will, I will just say that she doesn’t have time to tend to a relationship.  Honestly, I think that she is either not gay enough, or not well enough with where she is on her journey to attend to a relationship.

I learned that I love being at ease with someone.  I do too.  It’s easy and pleasant, and I love to laugh.  I also am open to another mother, but would prefer that it is not one who I already know.  I have compassion for her and enjoyed my times with her.  I definitely love her, but had not fallen in love, so it’s unlikely that I will even shed a tear.  I will always have some love for her even if I don’t see her again or for a long time.  It’s not dramatic for me.  It’s just sad, weird, and not stable.

Here is what I dreamt.  It was another vivid one.

I was talking to her in her house, and she was mostly matter-of-fact.  It wasn’t sterile, because she still smiled and laughed a lot, but it was not warm or sexual at all.  I finally had to talk through what it did to me.  I told her that it was like a “brain scramble.”  Meaning that I thought one thing and then felt very fucked over and it happened so suddenly that I couldn’t make any sense of it.  She seemed to not be following what I was saying, so I used a gross metaphor, and motioned as if I had a wooden spoon above my head and was stirring my brain.  I said it basically to let her know that it was like mindfuck.  I also told her that her disconnection that seemed like a slow demise was like thin rock sheaths being stripped off of my heart in layers.  I told her it hurt.  That seemed more salient for her, but she didn’t apologize.  She seemed sympathetic, which just annoyed me.

Then I had to gather my son and say “Goodbye” to her boys.  I really love her baby boy, and he and I seem to have a bond.  It hurt too.  Then in the dream, she actually had four cats.  (She does have a couple.)  She was insistent that we take a ginger brown one who was docile and sweet.  I emphatically said, “No.”  I kept having to explain that I don’t want a cat and that I am not sure that I could take care of one well and that our dog bothers cats.  I got away from her and the cat in a towel, but she brought it to my house.  I told her that I didn’t have time or inclination to train my dog with a cat.  I told her that I would foster him for a little bit and then adopt him out.

I’m not going to push anything on her.  I’m not going to pursue her.  I’m not going to win her back over.  I don’t even care to hear her side of it.  I thought it a strange way to show up when she hadn’t emailed me back in over a week and texted me only a handful of times.  Then this is what I get in response to my innocuous and gentle one.  Fuck that.  It’s just not stable enough for me to seek out or invest energy investigating.  I didn’t like it.

I deserve good treatment.  I know that I am a helluva catch.  I’m glad that I had some ease with strikingly beautiful woman for 6-weeks.  Would have been nice to have slept more than 3-hours last night though 😦

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Nebulous and flowing

I talked with my friend who facilitated my being able to be with my girlfriend.  My artist.  She says that she is my sherpa, and I don’t get that.  I don’t know why she says that she is my nomadic, mountain woman.  I will tell you that I miss her eyes, touch and laugh right now sitting on my couch sipping a beer.

I was smoking pissed and hurt with this same friend when she cancelled on my artist and I a month ago and then sent me mean texts that remind me of my ex.  Explanation points and telling me to fuck off was not what I wanted.  That has faded.  But, I am still much more comfortable doing my own thing at my house.  I’m liking my house a lot and have cleaned up a lot of closets and the like.  I’m going to do that more today.  I don’t want to write.  I’m going to get up at 3:30 and do that tomorrow.

Right now, I want to write about what my friend (who connected my girl and I and also cancelled) said about my dreams.  She agreed that I was working through limits that I have set with friends who are on the periphery of my life, and she said something really interesting to me about the dream about my ex.  She thinks that I have finally “closed up shop” so to speak and she said that it is because I am in love with my girlfriend.  She didn’t use that metaphor, but it meant “done and done,” which is how I felt even before I hung out for a night with my artist.  She told me that the themes in the dream were of children, because my ex, if she did ever contact me again would want to appear carefree and childlike.  Well, she is NOT.  She is dark and angry.  She has passion, but the other side of that passion is fucking scary.  I can’t navigate her moods or her pawn making.  That was when I had the beginning of the emotional affair that I did.  Of course, I was talking outside and as I rounded the corner, there she was!  She was walking with her two kids.  Of course she was.

That is when I put my ex to bed.  That night, my son and I fought like crazy because he was hungry and we couldn’t find the restaurant.  While we fought, I confronted my ex on why she was forming a friendship with my cousin and her kids.  That was low, and weird.  While she would only say how it happened, I realized that there is no why with this woman.  There are only linear, sequential stories in which everyone wants to be close to her.  That’s her.  When I got to my car again, after my son and I ate, made up, wound up having a good night, and I was driving back home, I had heavy flirtation from this woman.  This interaction culminated in a two or three-day emotional affair.  That was the night that I got the goods who my ex is, laid her to rest, and realized that I could have heavy passion for another woman.

And I did.  That’s gone.  She has a beautiful voice and eyes, but I would never want anything with her.  It’s just not there.  She was my “closer” for the end of my ex.  And there she was when my friend was analyzing my dream, and telling me that I am in love with my girlfriend and that I am dreaming about her, because I was in love with her, and now my heart belongs to someone else.  Could that be true?

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Probably just a little weird

Vivid dreams are typically unsettling.  When I was little, and I mean really little, I dreamt about knives and assailants all of the time.  They were violent and graphic; although, I can remember them, they are not worth writing in here due to the gratuity of media.  Those are best for a conversation and like many, I don’t think that I’ve had those even with my psychologist who I saw for years.  I get that I work stuff out in my dreams.

The company had taken away my car insurance.  They had raised the amount to $1000 monthly if I wanted it, and then it would have to be underwritten and approved if I was ever to get it.  A lawyer called me and said that I could no longer drive, and if I did, I would be incarcerated.  My mother was there and was signing documents, and then my ex-husband came in and said that he wanted nothing to do with it.

There are financial issues.  They are not insurmountable, but I will have to see how my business launch for side work goes this summer.  I also need to teach every term in a blended class.  That seems to be the wave of the future, and although I prefer everything being f2f, that is not the way that the world works in the wake of this economy and social shifting as a result of computers and Internet.

I think that there are people who I just don’t want to engage with.  I think that shadow aspects were explicit in this first dream.  I don’t want to be leaned on so heavily that I lose myself or have no reciprocity.  I have told three friends over the last month that I don’t want to hang out right now.  I don’t.

The other dream was real too.  I woke up and at the top of my Droid there was an icon that is typically in the window of settings in an actual camera.  It was a video camera icon and it meant that someone had sent me a video recording.  I opened it like it was a message and it went into a video shot in a pasture with fences all around.  The film quality were those muted colors from the 70s.  A little, short-haired, blond, freckled girl was jumping onto a saddled horse.  There were men in stetsons all around her who were clapping and encouraging her, and then the shot got more macro and she was riding around, but I closed it and deleted it.

It’s a good thing to not hear from or be bothered by my ex.  However, there is something energetic that I feel right now.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know that she is more moody than usual around the holidays.  I would never reach out, because I don’t want her show.  That’s what she does.  It’s a well-orchestrated performance which includes everything that you’d ever want to hear, because she is an incredible listener and also a chessmaster.  It’s so different than standard manipulation.  It’s surrounding yourself with pawns who do your bidding because you have “goods” on them or know exactly how to motivate them.  I know her deal.  However, she showed up in my dreams.

It’s all time.  It’s just waiting and seeing.  I love my girlfriend, but I can tell that I’m not in love.  I don’t know if we are building anything.  I trust that we love each other and have positive feelings for each other, but I have no clue what the next several months will entail.  I suppose it doesn’t matter.  Right now, I love her, am hopeful, am not involved or overextended in anything, and can write and go to class because she is not possessive or does she expect much time with me.  We enjoy each other when it happens.  We shall see what the ceiling is on what could be.  That could take months, but I love being with her when I can.

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As you age

When you have a seven-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a twelve-year-old in the house together, and you have been raising an only, it has some “dynamics.”  I think that I may be dropping my son off today at his best friend’s house.  It should be my ex-husband’s weekend, but he has flu, so I don’t think that I will be able to get my normal time. Given that my boy had a lot of trouble not driving the bus with a card game, and wanted to change the rules so nobody could follow it, and really just wanted to play video games, I should take him on a long walk with our dog today and then have him read.  He is truly the quintessential only child.  I do rather wish that could change.

She ran up and kissed me and said, “Baby!” when I came in the house.  The woman who connected us was right behind me.  My girlfriend has a way of making those things just work again.  I have only been with two middle children.  I like that.  They are natural mediators.

You know how you have something in your head that doesn’t happen and it’s hard?  I just wanted her to hold me when I came in.  I asked to hug me when we were leaving and she was exhausted and I traced the top of her back, which is really beautiful and moved her hair off of it.  It’s like drinking her in when we are that close.  I also like feeling where her sit bones are against my thighs when I lay sideways and she bends her knees over my legs. Our connection is good and many times our affection is sensual and is always tender.  I was glad that we connected even if we had another girl there and our little boys.

I was supposed to see her and the little boys again today for a Halloween activity, but I don’t know if my son will cooperate.  He gets scared with costumes and has always been terrified of animatronics. I will probably just drop him off at his best friend’s house for a few hours.  He has a game today, and I’ll definitely enjoy that, but then I want some time with my girlfriend and her little boys, if that is a possibility.

I’m ready to settle down.  I wound up in a str8 marriage as a child, and continued it because I’m loyal and he was my buddy.  Then when he continued the path of anger and rage toward me, I just didn’t want that anymore.  I didn’t want to be with him, and we separated, he moved to AK, and I did the solo thing in the big house.  I sure have gotten good at keeping up with this place, and the funny thing was that it was before our son!  I would have left him then (2005), but I suddenly got pregnant and thought that we should try.

I want to put out the intention to be living with someone after I turn 40.  I want to have family, navigate situations with a few kids, and have arms around me when I wake up.  I want to nurture and connect to a woman who has my whole heart, and connects me to the world.

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Balance 8.22.08

I can’t believe that I wrote this entry five-years ago.  Until I reached the age that I am right now, I had no idea what people meant when they talked about how quickly time passes.  Five-years…  This one is a re-blog, but I want to look at it, because I feel as if I am finally getting my balance with where I’m headed in my life.

Balance.  Do we even know what the hell this word means?  I cannot believe the way in which everything is overdone: work, activity, even the way in which we approach relationships.  I’m kinda sick–I sneezed and my nose ran all day to day, but it was a decided improvement upon the incessant headache and sinus pressure that I’ve had for over two weeks.  When colds finally hit me, I feel a sense of release that is foreign.  I think it’s because I don’t actually let go too well.  Americans even take Yoga about 3 times a week to practice “letting go.”  Isn’t that utterly ludicrous?!?  How the hell do you practice that?  People talk about moderation, but I’m sure that I have not mastered it.

I am going to hike with my son tomorrow.  Desiring grocery shopping is not what I would call part of my evening, but it is necessary.  I may hook up with my friend and her son, but am cool if I don’t.  I am cool with most things these days.  I have to be…

I would like to have some physical intimacy…  Would I overdo that?  I think that my goal is to actually ensure that I am varying my activities and letting things unfold as they should.  I’m sure that I’ve said these statements before, but they are starting to make increasingly more sense to me.  I think that I understand that I need to be patient with myself to fully listen to others who I truly love.

PS.  I get it.  I understand what balance is too, as I have let go of extremity and fervor.  It’s little smatterings of the things that I used to enjoy more than I do now, and connecting to those who have an energy level that matches mine.  Enjoying whatever unfolds without expectation is helping me too.  No poison.  I’m not anyone’s therapist who knows me either.

I am not overdoing sexual intimacy, and in fact, I am not able to overdo connecting with my current girlfriend either based on what she has going on in her life as she focuses on strengthening and balancing her energy.  I’m not overdoing anything right now, but I must embrace that as I have come to center, that I can connect with people only when it makes sense.

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Another wake-up call

My girlfriend called me last night and we had a wonderful conversation that was seamless like usual.  I know for a fact that there isn’t anyone who takes me like I am, less her.  I have all of these expectations from everyone, but her.  She just wants me to be myself.  I just want to look at her, learn from her, laugh with her, and have family time.  I’ll take that anytime that I can get it too, and won’t despair when plans have to change because of her capacity or her sons.  Any second that I get with her is a gift.  I just want to be and not to bend the river.  It’s flowing and it’s beautiful.

I’m breaking up with a lot of friends.  My workout partner started doing things that I couldn’t follow and seemed bizarre and like she expected me to meet her needs.  I had to tell her that I needed space.  I’ve taken it, but I had to see her yesterday because I had locked myself out of the house in the morning and wanted my key back.  It was super awkward.  I just don’t want to be anyone’s everything anymore.  I don’t have it.

Another one of my friends says that she is “going through” a lot of shit at work.  I texted her to be grateful to have a job, as I know that many don’t.  I meant that.  Then she said when I called her that I was undermining her.  I was being honest.  I think what has happened is that everyone has these expectations of me either to do some toxic joining, or just listen to the same recycled conversation.  I got this text out of the blue and it was a “feel sorry for me and listen to me bitch” text.  No thanks. She helped me move many loads of dirt to my backyard in 2011.  I appreciated that and I cooked for her three times.  She had gotten that job then, and has always hated it.  She still hates it.  I do think that she should be glad that she is employed.  I finally told her that I would pray for her to find peace and a new job.  I will do that, but I can’t do the toxic and recycled convo anymore.  I just don’t have it in me.

I had gotten stood up at the end of last month by my bday twin.  She took over two weeks to explain that she left her planner at home, and she did it via text.  She wants to get together Sunday.  No thanks.  Who does that?  I texted her sorry that we missed each other, and she explains it now over two-weeks later?  I don’t need that.  Frankly, I’m a lot better off and more balanced when I’m either alone, with my son, joking casually with colleagues, or anytime that I spend with my girlfriend.

I’m going to read all the entries that I have written about her to her, and then ask if that level of detail is ok for me to write.  If it is, I’m putting this blog back up.  If it’s not, I’m going to support my work blog, dog blog, and my son’s old blog and that will be what I do.  I entitled this one “Return,” and think that perhaps my return has lead me into a more introverted self, which is more balanced, and one in which I seek out positive interactions.  I don’t want to do ranting or toxicity, and since the end of 2012, I have not had a toxic approach to love relationships.  I don’t want them in my friendships either.  I’m shifting and becoming the person who I want to be, and it’s one who wants to seek out good.  I don’t want to be mired down by anything that resembles poison.

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Done with that

I don’t think that I want to go to my parent’s house much anymore.  I will plan a Thanksgiving dinner the weekend that I have my son and host it at my house.  I picked up burgers and fries at a pub.  My stomach, which literally never hurts, feels like it has a grease rock in it.  I hauled ass out of their house as fast as I could.  I’m going to have to look for something different for November.  I’m thinking that our Y has a Day Camp, and that is going to be what he has to do.

Sometimes my son gets a little bit entitled.  He complains and gets bossy and refuses tasks.  After I brought him home this evening, he was completely delightful.  Honestly.  He and I talked while I loaded the dishwasher and then we put together one of those giant puzzles that only has a frame that is interlocking and makes the edges.  I talked to him the whole time that he was in the bath, and read him his nightly story.

I asked him if he knew that he was super pleasant, compliant, and sweet after a night or two away from me.  He looked at me with his incredible blue eyes and said, “I didn’t know that.”  I told him that we should concentrate on times like this, so we can have connected and good times.  He told me that he missed me.  I missed him for two nights too.

I still haven’t connected with my girlfriend.  There is a world of difference between one and four kids.  I respect it though, because she does it right.  So, we’ll talk when we can, but I get the impression that she needs some space, so I’ll just wait to hear from her.  I would never do anything to smother or fuck it up.  “Love is like a blanket.  It gets a little bit to warm sometimes.  I want to wrap somebody in it who can hold me in [her] arms.”

 

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Time to unwind

Work was just slightly weird today.  I had too many meetings, I think.  I was exhausted by the time that I left and then I had to come home, switch over laundry, help my dog stretch her legs, pack up tons of food and head to my parents house.

While I was cooking, I needed oil and vinegar.   That was it.  You’d have thought that I was ruining their lives.  My mother also stared at me while I cooked, and was wiping the counters around me.  That combined with the fact that my Dad was upset that I didn’t bring over take out put me over the edge.  That’s the way that I grew up.  They were always in my ass and it never ceased and nothing that I could do was right and they had to monitor and “show” me what I was doing wrong.  I’m going to have to figure out something else to do with my son on November 11th.  He can’t be around that, and frankly, if I hadn’t had a beer while I cooked and my Dad was saying that he couldn’t play with my son because too much was going on–meaning my dog smelled him a couple of times and he had to get the olive oil for me–I couldn’t have either.

It was a difficult 45-minutes of cooking, but the food was good.  My Dad commenced to eat nearly all the food as soon as I put it all out.  We had sockeye salmon with tarragon and balsamic vinegar, a nice salad, the best brussels sprouts in the world, and saffron basmati.  I asked him if he’d eaten today and he said he had oatmeal and four prunes.  When you’re Bipolar and your blood sugar drops, you are a real treat.  It’s amazing at 73 that he doesn’t manage his calories better.

I hugged my son and I left.  Poor guy.  I’m glad that tomorrow is his last day off from school.

I ran about 2.25-miles on the treadmill and felt soooo much better.  Then I walked my dog around the lake at night to do an outdoor night warm down.  I dropped off some materials at a colleague’s house and talked to my best friend from graduate school.  Her cancer may be back, and her best friend there has stage 4 colon cancer.  Now, those are real problems.  Mine with parents is just sad.  They feel better when they can tell me what I do wrong.  I’m just fine.

I do miss my girlfriend.  She has been out of contact due to family stress, and she has her little boys this evening.  It’s ok, but I really, really hope that I get to see her again.  I miss having her arms around me and looking into those perfect hazel eyes.  I’m turning in.  I hope that she contacts me tomorrow.  I want to connect with her and don’t know how she is doing really.

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Honest

She had to cancel on being in my bed with me tonight, but I completely understand.  I will miss her smell and softness when I retire in a little bit, but I get why she can’t be around people anymore tonight.  She needs to take care of herself so she can take care of her boys too.

Something that I left out of the Thursday entry that I had written last was that she got probably five phone calls while we cooked and got the boys organized.  One included a conversation with her father and it was an intense relaying of some of what she is going through right now.  It’s too much.  She respectfully left out details that would have been alarming to him as well.  I was shocked that we had dinner together and that she ever texts or emails or gets on my FB during the week at all.  It made me feel loved to see that.

I feel important.  I feel respected.  I feel like we could be building something with a permanence, and that part doesn’t scare me.  I’m scared about doing right by her.

She had a truly horrible day.  It can’t even be written about, because it’s unreal.

My last three have just included too much running around in favor of being productive.  I like to get things done, and haven’t been able to very well over the last three days.  I’ve kind of felt like I’m just spinning my wheels, but it’s just stress.  It’s not anything bad.  She teased me relentlessly about it and then helped me reframe it.  I think much of it is that I’ve been around lots of people too often and my son has been getting over being ill, so that means that he’s crabby.  Nothing has been bad, I’ve just felt kinda pulled around and not able to get work completed.

I held her as tight as I could while being reasonably sure that I was not hurting her back.  I felt her tears on my cheeks.  I was moved on a deeper level than I can remember too.  Again, I feel important and loved.

Finally, we both were unwinding and she wanted to watch some tv.  I asked if we could read.  She read all the cartoons in her favorite periodical, and laughed so many times that I had a large grin on my face.  There was one in particular that was very odd, and was my sense of humor exactly.  My sense of humor borders on bizarre and is definitely droll and strange.  When she showed me it, I was surprised how she knew something instinctively about me.

We didn’t get very physical.  I had to tell her that I’m at a point wherein I’m nervous about making love to her, and I told her that I think that part of that trepidation is an energetic thing that vibes from her.  She talked to me about being ready at some point and realizing how excited that she was to see me when she was driving home, but that did not include sex, and I said, “I really don’t think we should.  We are both sexual people, but the thing is that it shouldn’t be planned and should just be an organic development when we both are moved that way.  It’s going to be a big thing when it happens.”  I’m not ready either.

She told me some other things from her experiences too.  I think that I’m starting to really get where she is right now, and it’s funny that the timing is in our favor from both standpoints.  After awhile I just said completely easily, “Listen, ______ , I love you and I want you to know that.”  She said without skipping a beat, “I love you too.”  There was a pause and then she added, “It’s real too.”  I told her that it certainly is for me too, and I would not have said it had I not meant it completely.  She said, “I know.”

 

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Evolution

It was raining hard after work again, but my son and I made the trek to her and her little boys anyway.  It was sad that it took us 50-minutes to get to her, and it only took half that to get back.  I wished that had worked in the other direction.  Just people in cars in the rain, and really heavy end-of-the-week traffic resulted in a later start than either of us wanted.

It made my son cry when her little boys had to get picked up by their Dad.  He doesn’t understand anything but full custody, because he has never had to consider it much.  He sees one my friend’s daughter on my weekends every once in awhile, so he doesn’t think about what she does during the week.  His best friend’s mother has custody of him and his sister–they have a summer and Christmas visit Dad.

For the most part, he LOVED the visit as did I.  They laughed and played so well together.  I told her, “That is really encouraging.  And it’s rare.”  She seemed surprised.  I said, “They should really be vying for our attention.”  Then, I realized, although I didn’t say it, but it’s probably because she and I parent the same way.  Our boys get our undivided attention when we are not cooking or conversing with each other.

She has this cool thing that is a better version of High / Low wherein someone sitting at the dinner table asks someone, “What is your favorite part of the day?  What did you learn today?”  My son likes it, and I do too.  We had great conversations about what aspects of our days went well.

On the way back home, I told him, “You’re right.  I do love her.”  He said, “I do too.  I give you one month to tell her, because you need to say it.”  I told him that the time had to be right in terms of the timing.  He said, “Well, I’m going to say it to her first then.”

We were in her kitchen alone at the end of the night and she spun me around and pushed me up against her sink.  I had just given my son the three-minute warning.  Of course he couldn’t turn off the system he was playing, so we had to stop and that sucked, and then she messed with me a ton by saying kinky stuff to me in double entendre that my son of course could not follow.  Then she climbed up to the loft in her house and lain forward on her stomach peering up to where the tv area is.  I had a perfect, albeit not-so-perfect, view of her while she talked to my son and laughed.  We have a flirtatious and fun dynamic.  She is the sexiest and most intriguing woman I’ve ever been around.

Gone are my days of the crazy-making pacing and the worry that we won’t work.  I’ve done that a bunch.  I know that she and I do work, and we have lots of days to find out how that will shake out.  I don’t want to rush either, and I don’t want to overwhelm or push anything on her.  I really met her at the right time of my life after I had done lots of necessary changing and evolving.

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Who needs to fight?

I told her that I had my quota when she said that I would fight with her in the grocery store.  That’s honest too.  One, why the hell would you fight in the grocery store?  I love food, eating, walking, and she is someone who I love to talk to or simply just hang out with and do whatever.  I’m perverse at times, so I pointed out three different couples who were talking and sauntering about the grocery store.  Finally, as we neared the back of the store yesterday, there was a couple–two girls–who were visibly arguing and having lots of tension in the grocery store.  I wanted to pass them quickly, but she is pretty observant.  So, when I saw her see them, I made a plan.

We exited the aisle and I said, “Ok.  I do realize that was the only gay couple who we’ve seen today and they were fighting,” and then she does what she does.  Her head tilts back and she laughs hard.  It always makes a warm smile drift across my face and most of the time, I start laughing too, or I just hug her.  Then she pulled me to her, kissed me and said, “See?  People fight in the grocery store.”  I told her, “I don’t want to,” but as is the case with her, I had a huge smile across my face.

There is more.  We could have had conflict around my misunderstanding about evenings and dinners–it was something that just didn’t sit well with me earlier in the week–as she was busy all week and we couldn’t see each other easily or could we talk.  Instead, we went outside after 5 on Saturday when the boys were engaged in boy things, and she talked to me about what a team is, and what a new girlfriend is and how it’s always her desire for me to express my needs or just be honest with all of my feelings when I don’t want to do something or simply just can’t easily.  Also, as I guess she just is, she was nakedly vulnerable with me about her last two relationships and what she believes about independence.

So, as it turned out, I didn’t have to have, or even request a discussion.  We just organically talked about where we were with respect to our relationship, and what could be a compromise on seeing each other during the week when it works easily.  OK.  Wow.  I’m sure that some of you have read “discussions” that I had with my ex.  Or should I say my trying to bring things up, and then feeling like I was in a duck and cover drill?

Preparing for fallout (with my ex)

Preparing for fallout (with my ex)

I don’t think it’s realistic for me to try to avoid to make comparisons based on contrast.  She is so different than anyone who I’ve been with over the last four years.  She is easy and genuine, and an enviable adult when it comes to communication.  It think that it’s safe to say that I love this woman, and she has admitted that she thinks that she loves me too.  I can’t wait until there is one of those right moments and I can just say, “I love you.”  Because, I do, and I think that I have met my match.

We wound up making out in her bathroom about three times yesterday.  I was helping her with her hair.  We got really physical.  She is the most affectionate of anyone who I have been with, and that combined with how attracted I am to her makes it difficult not to go further than we should yet.  I love her eyes, mouth, and body.  It’s a wicked attraction, and I’ll admit that I have never been this comfortable with a woman either.  We can talk, we can sit, we can make meals together, or we can have conversations that are rooted in compromise.  I think all of these things make it safe to say that I’m going to be in love for the first time with someone with whom I could make something work.

My Horizon

My Horizon

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Saturday!

I was going to lay low, but I had to reach out.  I just wanted to tell her that I hoped that she was doing well, and that I wanted to hold her.  She said that she was doing as well as she could, but that she wished that I was there.  So, I said that I would have been, but I didn’t know if that was cool with her little boys there and my not having my son.  I think that I’m starting to get this stuff, and I just need to ask in the morning if I can bring dinner over at night.  Although, last night would not have worked.

My son was too sick to go to school, which is really rare for him.  He has been coughing like crazy though, and asked to go to the Dr.  I told him yesterday morning that the doctor can’t do anything about viruses, but I took care of him at home.  Then when his Dad finally got here to pick him up, I was able to drive to supervision.  We had 1.5-hours of supervision, and then I returned two phone calls from friends and went to the gym.  I could only run 1.5-miles because I have sinus issues right now and it got uncomfortable.  Then I bought a bottle of Sangiovese, and texted her while I had a glass.  Afterward I boiled some noodles and ate pesto and an apple.  I see her and her little boys this morning.  It feels like it’s been a month!

I love talking to her.  We have wonderful conversation chemistry.  I also like her ease when I’m with her, as it’s contagious and makes me have pause and lights up my senses.  She is pretty wonderful.  So, I can see her Saturday, Monday, and Thursday.  I want to see her next weekend and hope that she’ll spend the night with me again.  I can’t wait to get my arms around her for a hug this morning.

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Organic Flow

If what you’ve done is a good predictor of your future behavior, I say to that, evolve with it too.  I was getting a little in over my head with my artist.  Now, it’s time to slow myself down a bit.  Monday is not that bad to wait to get together.  She is not champing at the bit to make weekend plans to me, and I would gather that because she had a long and difficult week at work–about which I know no details–that she just wants to connect and nest with her little boys.  I tried her on the phone last night and she texted that she was sorry that she missed my call and that she was making dinner.  She ended it with, “I miss you!”

We have plans for next Monday and Thursday.  So, I’m not going to obsess.  I’m going to revise Chapter 3 and I really need to run.  I may run after work tonight.  This weekend I should consult with a gardener about my lack of lawn in my backyard, since it is all cleaned up back there, and I should write like crazy.  I always have people who want to see me.  I’m not going to watch football at my cousin’s house on Sunday though, because I may not be gay.  I don’t like watching professional sports.

My workout partner said, “You lost yourself for a bit in this.  You sound solid now and MUCH better.”  Lesbian relationships are different, and mine aren’t in the Date 2: Move in, and Date 3: Get the donor ready, but they still match that intensity.  I realized that what I know of her, I could read in her book that she is editing.  It’s not the stuff of her.  Hell, I don’t even know her custody arrangement.

I know that when we are together it’s much better.  It’s connected.  It’s easy.  We have chemistry making meals together in the kitchen.  Our boys get along.  I feel really good when my head is on her left shoulder and I lay on my side and she puts her legs bent over mine and rubs my left arm.  We have magical kissing.  That’s all a pretty good start, but it’s a start.  Now it just has to flow, because you can’t bend the river.  It goes where it shall.

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Run all you want

You can be mindful and always present with what you are doing in a relationship, but past is honestly prelude.  I have trouble with being rejected or thinking that I have been rejected.  And I will not be able to do things that resemble push and pull ever again.

I touched her hand in 2005, and I knew that I had to avoid her, but then, I was transferred.  She is a big flirt too, so we just wound up talking more and more and then I started organizing Happy Hours.  That affair developed as a progression, and we wound up sleeping together mid-October of 2007.  The first few times were just mind-blowing; although, they weren’t satisfying.  Then when she had a work karaoke party, I spent the night and it was very good.  I fell asleep next to her and slept well too.  I wanted to date her.  She was in a very different place, however, and was lukewarm on kids and never saw herself as a mother.  Now, looking back, she and I never would have worked, because we didn’t have the depth of conversation either.  I learned from her that I don’t like feeling rejected–I know that is just my perception, but I don’t like it.

She sent me an email in September of 2011 just a week after my birthday.  She had just turned 37 a month before too.  We had a connection, I think.  But, she got into her controlling patterns based on fears of me not needing her desperately–even if it was just her money–and that I would leave her.  I wouldn’t have done the latter if she hadn’t kept saying that she loved me, but love wasn’t enough.  I don’t do push and pull and I won’t.

I want to continue to laugh.  I want to snuggle and have connected conversation.  I want to have family nights and dinners.  I want to a couple of nights away a few times a year for tons of sex, dinners outside, and generally escaping for a short period.  There are things that I can’t run from, but I can certainly focus on where I’m going and what I seek.

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Possibilities

Anything is possible when you’re seeing a woman who sees the best in everyone, and she is willing.  She wants to explore, and that matches well up with what I have read and heard one of my gurus state, and that is “loving fully without guarantees.”  I like that it will develop more slowly, because there is nothing that is crazy-making about a steady and slower pace.  I know that I shouldn’t spend too much time on contrast, but she is so different than previous relationships.  I’m lucky.

  1. She drives to me even when she has had a 10-hour day and her back is sore and compressed.
  2. She is smart and loves to read and write all kinds of things, but each one of them is thought-provoking or somehow poignant.
  3. She is sweet, tender and gentle.
  4. She is funny, and laughs easily and fully.  (Her laughter never fails to make me laugh or smile widely.)
  5. She wants to be with me, and is willing to see what can work out

I know that it is not particularly healthy to contrast women who you’ve been with, but I just did a lot of that this weekend.  I rarely had my ex-gf down to my house, and in fact, she would complain about my house all of the time too, as I’m not anal or is mine a newer one.  I live in a 50s ranch with a finished basement and the neighborhood has established trees in the front yards, and my floors are hardwoods.  I actually love my house so I found that insulting.

She read self-help and new age.  She was critical and quick to anger.  We stopped laughing.  My workout partner and I read and shredded her cards that she gave to me fall through about February of 2012 on Saturday.  Even the first few were full of tired and trite phrases and terms of endearment.  She is really just all about marketing and taglines.  There also were a couple that said stuff like, “I appreciate the things that you’ve given me, and I’m sorry that I can’t lean on you while I’m going through tough times.”

There isn’t much that is similar between these women with the exception that they have been on their own since teenage, and have had a lot of strife throughout their lives.  One found a way to embrace joy, and the other found a way to craft a world wherein emotions are kept at bay and people are controlled.  I can tell you which one makes me feel like anything is possible.

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Surprises

So, I knew that we were having dinner together on Friday, but I didn’t know that she would be staying.  I took my son out of practice, as it was running over, and went to our house–she had already arrived.  She started making out with me in my garage.  Ok, then.  Then my son and I helped her get all of her bags in the house.  She said, “It’s completely presumptuous, but I am staying the night tonight.  I have to work a little and don’t want to drive home.”  I said, “I think that is a wonderful idea.”

No shaving, no landscaping, sleepy, and after dinner and putting my son to bed, we are both sitting on my couch.  She had to work a little, so I straightened up my kitchen and took my dog for a walk.   I couldn’t believe that were going to wake up together.  When she was done with work, she read some of it to me, and I liked that a lot.  We went to the kitchen to get drinks and she kissed me and after we pulled away she said, “I don’t think we should have sex tonight,” and because I have wanted the first time to be special and we don’t really know all of our dynamics yet, I said, “I am in complete agreement.”

She cuddles a lot all night–I’m not used to sleeping close like that all night.  When we first got into bed, she did start kissing me pretty intensely and then she had her hands on the fronts of my shoulders, so I felt like I had to say, “You can touch me.” When she did she gasped and said, “You have incredible tits.”  I laughed.  That settled why I was wondering why she wasn’t feeling me up.

It has been a really long time since she has been in a relationship with a woman, and the one that she did have which lasted a year sounds like one in which she would just be moved sexually by this woman and wind up in her bed with her.  She had a non-serious bf at the time, and the other girl did too, but eventually went exclusive with him, and that result broke my artist’s heart a little.  I guess, from what I can gather, she is just ready to be in relationship with a woman.

In this case, and I told her this, I just hope that being with a girl works for her.  It’s different.  It’s emotionally complex and involves a level of intensity that seems unique.  What she has gathered is that if we just go slow, that stuff will work itself out.  I think more than that, it’s essential for me to give her space for reflection, and also just follow her lead with anything physical.

I think that’s good.  I have slept with women way too soon almost every time.  I told her before we all left the house that what seems to be building is a solid friendship.  She said, “We are.”  I actually think that it’s healthy.  Now, I do honestly want to take off every stitch of her clothing and feel her skin on mine, and kiss every part of her that is not covered by a bathing suit until I can do more, but I won’t.  I don’t really want to either; although, I fantasize about it.  I want to wait until it’s not only special, but it’s right.

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Last time that I went slow

I had a gf in hs and another one in college.  Both of these girls were barely bi, which worked for me at the time because 1) I love women, and 2) I had not worked through any of my internalized homophobia.  I remember once after we had become sexually intimate that my gf from college said, “Did you ever consider that you are a lesbian?  If something happens twice and does feel this right for you, I think that you should consider it.”  That scared the shit out of me at the time.  I was probably 20.  I wouldn’t deal completely with it for 13-more years.

Women who are only slightly attracted to women are probably still around me, but I don’t think that I look butch enough for them.  My previous partner who I was with for two-years is soft butch.  She is also a raging alcoholic too, but for the purpose of this post I should mention that she had an entourage of girls who were barely bi, and one of whom she kept around until she moved to the East Coast.  Barely bi women stopped appealing to me as soon as I came out.  I don’t want to date someone who–for whatever reason she has–gets all tripped out touching a girl or doesn’t want to try different things with a girl.  I’m sure that if I looked more gay at first glance that girls who were curious would approach me, but they don’t, and I’m glad.  Reciprocal sex that I have had over the last 6-years is what I like.

I didn’t have full, reciprocal sex with my college gf, but because we knew each other sexually, I could reach fulfillment with little contact from her, and we just got used to that being our dynamic.  At first, it was just so great to be with a woman again, so I think that I should tell that story, because a lot of it is very sweet.

She wasn’t my roommate at first.  But, our roommates were from the same town.  We went to a commuter campus for the most part, so the dormitory would become empty on weekends and often except for a handful of girls who were socially awkward, we’d be the only two left on our floor on Friday night through late Sunday afternoon.  She had a terrible frat boy bf for about two-months that fall.  He would make her cry a lot.  I gave her solace.

Honestly, she is one of those girls who is naturally sweet and cute.  Now, she is 5’9 & 1/2, and has huge blue eyes, and that fair, freckled skin that I love, but she is mostly a total sweetheart who has no idea how beautiful she is.  In that vein, the Halloween of our freshman year she said, “Let’s go buy pumpkins, because we should carve jack o’ lanterns!”  We did, and when we lit them, she moved against me and put her head on my right shoulder while we sat in the dark.  I hoped that she couldn’t hear or feel my heart beating.  I’m sure that it was also racing visually through my neck.  She said, “This is nice,” and I said, “Yes, it is.”  She said, “I really like your voice.”  I wanted to sink through the bed.

We moved in together the following January.  We would lay on each other all of the time.  I never kissed her, but she always wanted to sleep in my little twin bed, so she did.  We got through that spring.  I stayed away–I went to college out-of-state–that summer and moved into my own mother-in-law apartment that I could afford and tended bar all summer.  She stopped living at the dorm the following fall; although, she had a new roommate and spent every night with me.  One night after we had practice for a musical that we were in, I took off her shirt, and as I traced her stomach and between her breasts, then she turned on her side and started kissing me.  We were together off and on and between her bfs for about 2.5-years.

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Communication and “Stuff”

I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships.  However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well.  There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.

My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest.  It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway.  I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself.  I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.”  I digress.

To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.

My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend.  I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet.  I had left my cell in my car.  While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to  hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone.  I called the restaurant.  I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights.  She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.”  She is a big promiser.  It’s just her thing.

With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly.  For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July.  She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer.  That’s good.  Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking.  I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming.  I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.

In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too.  So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.”  All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general.  Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.”  I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on.  She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.

We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird.  She cussed and used exclamation points via text.  TRIGGER.  I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES.  I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair.  One time that I cancelled.  I’m not getting into that.  Space is better.

I can’t text fight.  I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points.  I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids.  These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012.  I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate.  I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her.  It was toxic.  (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house.  She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy.  I actually said, “I’m not ____ .”  I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)

I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house.  I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work.  After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked.  She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.”  I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.

I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves.  That is just me.  I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back.  When you run, those get really tight and defined.  I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy.  After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game.  We laughed hard.

Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach.  I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship.  I told her that I waited for her.  After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared.  She told me, which is good.  But what I don’t get is why it scared her.  She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.”  OK.  Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it.  OK.  She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating.  OK.  So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.

What was my result?  I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work.  So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike.  That helped.  Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more.  I just need to have this tough conversation.  It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment.  I don’t know how to have these conversations.  I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship.  My ex has fucked me up and I let her.

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Love and Gratitude

I am 39 today.  That seems like an important birthday.

I’m going to try to call her and see if my Dad will cook dinner for me.  He really wants me to see his old professor friend who is in town only tonight–this guy teaches at American.  I will make an effort to drive over there; although, I don’t have much gas and don’t know if I have any money in my account.  It would help me get my son fed too, and because my Dad is stable, and has been for four-years, my son has a wonderful relationship with him that I am glad to get to see.

My father called me twice yesterday when we were meeting with large team regarding a hold that was put on a child who was unsafe.  I had to work really late as a result, and my cold took over my body.  That meant that I had little energy, so I took my son out to eat quick Chinese and then we traipsed around a used book store that we like.  I’m still on the prowl for a Disney anthology from the early 60s that has an abstracted version of “Old Yeller” and “Toby Tyler” in it.  I couldn’t find it last night, and I still have no idea why my aunt won’t let me have the copy that I read all the time that my grandmother had.  Who knows?  Now, I still need to meet with my Boss (I was way too sick last night), as I was supposed to last night, but couldn’t because I felt really sick.  I need to get that scheduled in the next five days so I can keep up with my dissertation.

My artist is a good difference and contrast to any of these things.  My son embraced her so tightly in church on Sunday when he came back to us and left Sunday school.  I miss her.  I know that I saw her Sunday, but I really miss her and last Thursday was such a powerful date.

She has admitted to me that she has not made it 7-years with anyone.  I have not had anything approximating serious less those two different relationships that I had during the years of 2009 through 2012.  Those were short though.  Both were about two-years, but had break-ups in them, so they don’t feel sustained enough to actually call them longterm relationships.  I can’t imagine where I’ll be in 7-years.  I’m just setting weekly goals right now.

My goal today is to get ahold of her for a few minutes on the phone.  I’d like to ask a boring question regarding her custody arrangement with her little boys.  Mine is basic.  I have him always less every other weekend.  She knows that.  She also knows that I have love and gratitude for her.  I sent her a CD and wrote a love letter in it.  I didn’t say, “I love you,” because I want to say that someday in the future, in person and unplanned.  I did say many things that I love about who she is though.  I also wrote a paragraph about my gratitude for her opening this door for us, because I know that with a woman this beautiful, that I may have not been able to do so even with the knowledge that she is bi.  She was touched by the letter and CD.  I’m glad, because my workout partner cautioned against this effort and gesture.  I’m just doing what is in my heart right now, and following my passion.