Tag Archives: Journey

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Deep inside a shadow

I’m getting ready.  I figured some things out and I feel like this new shift that all of us are supposed to have is happening for me as well.  It’s like emergence.  As there are no coincidences, it is fitting that I had the worse part of a mild flu last night and ran a high, shaking fever.

Everyone has patterns.  So does my ex.  She tends to be a grass is always greener kind of person, and that is where she and drunk are the same.  What she does is she is with someone and misses stuff about her most recent ex.  She used to miss sex with her ex who she had raised her other children with, and last Friday night she told me how she missed her most recent ex (besides me) because of the way she smelled and was such a woman in terms of having candles lit when she got home, etc.  I felt like saying, “Sorry it was always just dinner when we were together,” but instead when she was going on and on about her, I said, “Candles lit, looked beautiful, and dinner made?”  She said no that I was the only woman who ever cooked for her.  But, because she is now in her pattern of missing her ex, she remembers all the good qualities that I don’t have.  I can tell you that I’d rather have great, passionate sex!

The drunk was not exclusive with me until she moved six states away.  That is grass is always greener for her too.  She missed me and realized that she was in love with me when she and I went away to NM together for a weekend, but she was moving to the east coast in a month, so it was bad timing.  She didn’t tell me that she loved me either until I had flown to see her once, and she had just made love to me after she had come for a trip and visit.  At that point, the drunk had flown to visit my son and I about a month after I had visited her back east, and then she professed her love after we had a our first night together.  Although, I did love her, I was never in love with her.  I was slowly realizing that she had a problem with alcohol; honestly she loved the bottle way more than my son for sure.  And I was a distant third.

My ex loves money.  She says all the time that she is not materialistic, but she is.  She hoards material things because she fears an early death and her beautiful little boy being without as she was.  That I do get.  I don’t want my son to feel poor.  I work around the clock because of that issue of mine too.  She and I both had periods in our childhoods with periods of significant poverty.  My son has never known eating shitty food or living somewhere unsavory.  Her son will never know these things either.  So, in that way, we are driven by the same fear.

Grass is always greener and driven by desire for more.  Me?  I just want to find a sexy, bright woman who wants a resolution with me because she knows that I’m worth it.  I’m the one that she wants to build a future with and doesn’t make her feel any longing.  I’ll know when I meet her, and want to start off with let’s figure out what we both do in conflict and talk about it while we honeymoon.  She and I can figure it out…  Together.

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Grief Cycle

I love getting lots of sleep.  I probably would have slept another hour or so, but the alarm called.  Now, I am drinking my coffee and getting ready for my day.  Last night, my clients insisted that I have dinner with them and also asked me to sit at the head of the table.  They also gave me a Coke, so I had to sleep with assistance, as I am quite sensitive to caffeine.  I feel really good though right now and hope that my last day before the paperwork and vacation is a good one.  Yesterday was pretty terrible with the exception of my practicum stuff.

I did, however, get preliminary approval on my study that I have to get completed next year.  That feels really good.  And it was attractive to this particular boss lady in general for all of her settings in which she provides supervision and professional development.  The last thing that I wanted to do was a qualitative study, but I do have a proposal model and the other professor on my committee will guide me to get it done.

So, I guess that I’m saying that I have some hurdles conquered.  That feels good, as I want to go into this year with a different focus, so I think that it will help to truly be moving forward.  I do know that grief cycles, so I will have some bad moments most likely.  But, I have not had any longing for her like I did in the summer, so it’s accurate to say that it probably will not ever get that bad.

At the beginning of November, she had left me a HeyTell saying, “It’s just some days like this one when I miss you so much,” and because she has specific mood cycles which she is at least somewhat aware of, it will likely come at the end of next week or the beginning of the year.  It’s me who is different though, and I won’t be saying, “I love you,” or “I miss you,” at all anymore because the former sends a mixed message and the latter isn’t true.

She is simply moody and gamey, and I would be in complete shock and given pause if she said that she will come down to go swimming on Saturday.  I called her yesterday and said, “I know that your friend has not confirmed whether or not you have Saturday plans, so let’s just say meet at 10 o’clock at the pool and swim, and then come home for lunch and get you guys on your way by 2, so that he can get in a nap,” as he is newly two.  She said it sounded fair and we hung up, and she called back, saying that she hoped that I didn’t personalize her getting ready while we talked, and I said, “No,” and then it was obvious that my son needed me and we needed to interact, so she hung up abruptly.  I was in a Charter School later morning and sent her a picture of a stuffed animal, whose type is an inside joke and she didn’t respond.  Gamey.  As is the fact that she would not tell me when a good night was to talk this week when I have asked this question very simply, and have done so three times since Sunday.  She does this kind of weird shit with her friends too, and I certainly don’t.  But, one does seem to need “stratagems,” as Amelie says when dealing with her.

I can stay balanced and solid and refuse to engage in bullshit.  I’ve gotten very good at that.  I also feel the presence of another right now, and I just don’t think that it is just her ex-partner, so I won’t sleep with her.  I will be telling her that I won’t sleep with her the weekend after this one either.  I don’t think that is appropriate.  It is staying centered honestly.  I want to find my center given that I have so much time off, and that is my plan.  I know that she and I are amiable now, and that is where we need to stay.

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First is to ask

So, I want to live with a girl who is passionate, smart, funny, and stable.  I would prefer to stay 15-miles from here and I don’t want to live in the suburbs or outskirts unless it’s the other city in this area, which is a possibility.  I guess that I’m supposed to get specific about my confidence in finding a relationship that lasts.  I must have to cultivate, seek, and show stability.  I can do that.

There are plenty of reasons that I want to live with a girl.  So, I think that I should start by getting my house completely organized.  Then it’s like I can invite a girl in, so to speak.  My coming out affair lived in a suburb in a pre-fab kinda house, but not a McMansion, and she never bitched about my house.  I miss how nice she was to me.  I know that she never wanted to be a mother, and that I was not super stable, but she was good to me.

How you are good to others is preparing meals, hiking, and laughing, and learning from other’s ways of life.  I hiked with a new friend and her partner on Saturday with our dogs and it was incredible to connect with them and see how genuinely loving they are with one each other.  The right kinda energy is projected when you smile often and connect with your whole heart.  You present being that you are worthwhile, good to spend, time with, and you never isolate.  These types of efforts represent being productive.

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It’s probably always been a no brainer

I was shocked to hear her say that she would co-parent with her ex if she divorced the man and moved back.  It’s so bizarre, but the thing is that it would work for her.  I don’t want to co-parent with another person, but rather desire to live with a woman who builds a household with me.  I just think that she and I just want different things.  Saturday will come and go with no visit from her and her son, and then I will just meet her halfway or something to wish her well the following week.  We can have coffee or a drink and some laughs.  I don’t want to spend the night with someone who is nasty and says shitty things.

I haven’t met anyone who really turns my head and ignites my passions.  It’s funny because those two girls from summer–one date a piece–are obviously interested.  One keeps up contact and the other mentioned me in a comment and is now hosting a Happy Hour.  Neither do it for me at all, so that’s why I know that I have not met a girl with whom I’d like to see if we have that thing.  I am still embarrassed about my sprite-like FB from summer, who was basically a liar, but that was all just part of my journey.

What I have come to is pretty simple.  She is not who I was looking for, and although I did fall madly in love with her, and we talked futures, “our” path never involved her giving anything but just having some space for us.  Meaning that we leave our life in the city and move to a redneck, meth-stricken, semi-rural area and fit into her existing life.  When I started wondering about that, because it was something that she wasn’t controlling, we began our dance of push and pull, which was almost a year ago now.  I just need to bow out of this aspect.  We can be friends and I don’t need to sleep with her.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t need to be contrasted with a woman who moved to get over you and married a man in her mid-40s, or do I need any slights made about my appearance or method of responding to her.  I’m good.

I have never wanted this type of relationship.  I don’t want what my parents have which is rancor in a nearly 40-year commitment.  I’m looking for mutual respect and love.

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Must recall

I was just thinking how “selfish, negative, and creepy” has now been reduced to “not productive,” and the clear contrasts with an ex and some slights about appearance.  I think that I like the former failings better because they are overtly aggressive and not passively aggressive, and again, like I said in October when we had sex outside of the context of relationship, “I couldn’t see having a lifetime of that.”  I still can’t.

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Gotta stick to it

What a weird weekend.  I was so, so, sad too.  I even cried hard on Saturday and was a little teary yesterday as well.  I have  a first grader so the news was just too much for me.  Anyway, I think that is why somethings that she said, and did, kinda hit me in waves and I have decided now that some manner of friendship is what is appropriate with a woman like her.  What she usually does is begins with our contrasts and she told me that I’m not very productive, and that’s not true, so I’m not even giving that much thought.

It started when I confronted her about what I have been feeling, and that is that she is being pursued by someone.  It’s her ex that married the man and moved away, and she said that if she divorces him and moves closer she can be a good parent to her son.  That is bizarre, because she is supposed to be mentally ill and all that, and I would want a helluva  lot more from a second mother to my own son, but what the hell do I know?  She went on and on too about the way that she smelled, how she would have candles lit, and how their lifestyles went together.  So, just reconcile with her, ok?

When she gets physical, it is seemingly out of nowhere and I can’t read it, and I don’t really initiate because that has caused us problems and then she made fun of me when I was shocked.  She also mocked the way I look with my hair up.  She is too conflicted.  I really did the right thing by breaking up with her at the end of September.  I should try to avoid sex with her when the calendar changes to a New Year too, and I think that I can very easily.

I like my improvements in physical fitness that I’ve made and will probably ask her for some advice.  I like some of the domestic things that I have adopted from being with her.  Ultimately, I want to be treated really well and loved for who I am.

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Maxed

You reach a point where you know it won’t work–that is right now–but you want her to be with you because she feels so good next to you.  I couldn’t believe that when she was finally completely done with her ex, that she had a car accident.  Even more incredible is that she still spent the night with me under those circumstances.  I think that she has done some damage to her back, and I’m worried about her in general, but I really can’t wait for her life to calm down some (which probably won’t be until April) so we can investigate.  Now that she is finally financially separated from her ex-partner, she reminisced about her most recent partner and I think is grieving her.  If she wasn’t married to a man, I think that they would still hook up; although my ex never wanted to marry her.  I think that I will invite her down next weekend, and she if she’s willing to come to me, because I want to see what it’s like to have her here on my territory.  I loved laying next to her last night.

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Auspiciousness

Today is supposed to have all kinds of luck surrounding it because it’s the last day that any of us will have that is three of the same numbers.  I was in Chichen Itza in November of 2010 with my ex (the drunk) and scholars showed us the Mayan calendar and then explained how it ran out–solely in terms of record-keeping–at the end of the year in 2012.  We also saw how all parts of the calendar were in 10s.  It was interesting.

I have had some really anxious kids, and I’m assuming that their families are also feeling stressed because the world is apparently ending today according to some extreme Christians.  I will work with two families this evening and support those systems as best as I can.  People are really overwhelmed and it is difficult to not take some of the stress on, so last night, I asked my son if he wanted to ditch his class and hang out and he completely agreed.  I may drop him down to only one dance class and guitar anyway, because I don’t think that he is learning much in his vocal class.  We ate, we read, we drew and then I did two sets with my colleague that was all that I had left in me, so I went to bed.

Historically, although I was born in an even year, odd years have held more fortune for me.  I already have some promise of things to come in 2013, because my Pastor approached me on Sunday and asked me to preach–likely in July.  We talked about it, and I’m excited.  I have to finish my practicum and dissertation next year too.

I wonder if I will want to officially get back with my ex?  I might if she really could learn to fight respectfully.  People who say that they never fight with their spouses and the like are liars.  Conflict is truly inevitable, but comfortably resolving things is an art, which also involves a chemistry between two people.  She and I did the old attack and avoid pattern, which I know can lead to resentment.  Which is why the Friday before the last time that I had sex with her I unloaded on her.  Why should I avoid anymore?  And also, why should I just take her bullshit?  It turned out that I didn’t hear her correctly, but since we are not dating, I just apologized and then chatted a bit.  A few hours later I wanted her, so I drove up there late that night and it was nice.

I believe in synchronicity and the lack of coincidence and that circumstances reveal themselves to you on your journey and will continue to do so in slightly different ways until you face them and move through them.  I have not moved through a relationship like this though.  There are only two that have ever had any hold on me, and both of them are still people with whom I have contact because of their lasting impacts on my journey.  In college, I had the healthiest relationship that I have ever had, because the girl was very healthy.  Unfortunately, I was not well and just moving through some of my past, so I was not always nice to her.  I have apologized several times and reminisced about good memories with her.  My ex-husband and I do some co-parenting, so I do have a relationship with him as well.  It seems to me that my ex, is not all that much of an ex, so we shall see what fortune brings with her in the next several months.

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The thrill is gone

I have had a very longterm relationship, and another one that was around three-years or so.  The latter was with a girl, and that was easier for me to navigate because I could still muster passion for her.  With my ex-husband, we became barely connected partners, and I don’t want anything like that in the future.

I’m being punished for not going to her party.  So, if we aren’t dating and we have sex like a PRN, and we are definitely NOT friends, why should I go to your party?!?  Today, she e-mailed that I was invited to it and wasn’t there.  No shit, Sherlock.  “This is…  My ex-girlfriend?  An FB who I love, but can’t get my shit together with?”  WTF?

We shall see if next Friday passes with no hook-up.  I can’t hustle anymore.  I just can’t.

I don’t know if when she is like this if that will even last.  We don’t run into each other at all, and honestly I just want to be amiable when we do.  I don’t know if even after she has moved through Christmas without her father if she will be any different with respect to me.  I think for right now, I’m just going to bow out with no contact and see if we can hook-up next weekend.  She asked for pictures of our tree–it is going up tomorrow.

I’m not one of those people who cares if I have a girl at Christmas or on New Year’s.  That’s not my thing, because it’s contrived.  I’m a lot of things, but I’m real, and without passion, I don’t dwell.  I’m looking forward to buying a little tree tomorrow and decorating it with my son, and I’m also looking forward to the Nutcracker with him on Saturday.  I think that I’ll also take him out for sushi.

I have been working like crazy.  I did Monday – Wednesday night, but managed to meet a colleague on Tuesday for weights, but tonight I’m really looking forward to connecting with my son.  I think that I’ll cook a favorite meal for him too.  He’ll have to tag along and play air hockey and foosball tonight while my colleague and I lift.  I can take Sat off from working out because I have to babysit, go to a six-year-old’s bday party and then we have our ballet.  That seems good.

Thrills are not something that I seek.  I don’t like neutrality though.  I have this mug and it says, “would rather be alone than taken casually,” and I think that sums up who I am pretty well.  I like my own company quite well and have tons of friends.  I will be interesting to see how the next five weeks go by and develop.

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Journeys

She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.”  She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd.  What’s my alternative?  I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on.  She also said that she was thinking of me.

So, tag you’re it, right?  My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous.  I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her.  That’s true too.  I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.”  I do.

I do not feel remotely safe with her though.  That is why I won’t date her.  There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either.  Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.

The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her.  I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years.  I am usually controlled with respect to anger.  I’m a processor.  I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.”  I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.”  And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you.  We can talk another time.  Let’s just hang up for tonight.”  She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money.  It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.

That’s not vulnerable though.  That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even.  I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean.  I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years.  She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.

I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way.  I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm.  I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.

As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list.  I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well.  But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school.  I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.

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Trust the process

I had a professor in grad school–well, the first time that I went to grad school in the late 90s–and she used to say, “Trust the process,” all of the time.  She meant that we should follow interviewing principles that are structured and let the format do the work.  I do agree that summarizing is important, but following it sequentially doesn’t work.  I was thinking about the process of being single.

You really have to trust that conventional wisdom says that most of us wind up with someone.  The thing is that right now, I don’t want to be with anyone.  I want to get things done and stay on track, and I don’t want to feel badly about not seeing some girl or needing to stay focused.  I distracted myself this summer with some young and immature girl, which resulted in my being behind as soon as July ended and I was done with my vacation.  I don’t want to be back in that shitty pattern because of the need for arms around me.

Before her surgery, my most recent ex had randomly sent me a picture of my ex who was my coming out affair last month when I wasn’t contacting her and I thought that it was really bizarre.  Who does that?  I have looked at the picture several times though after she sent it, because I have told some friends that she did so, and my friends always say, “She is really pretty.”  She is.  My heart would race and race and I was worried that I would have a health problem when I was to see her.  I would be practically dumping adrenaline making the three turns from the highway to get to her house.  That was definitely a process!  When I biked with a new friend in early October, I realized that my journey with her wouldn’t be over if I truly befriended this woman who I biked with, so I e-mailed my coming out affair.  It’s good to be amiable.

I have no idea what the future for my ex and I holds.  I know that now we will be amiable, but I also know that she wants a deep friendship, and I won’t give that.  I know that I said that I won’t drive, and then I did for $50, but I really won’t be back in dating land and have contact with an ex that is consistent.  That’s shitty.  I think too that because her former partner messes with her so directly, she is now realizing that she doesn’t want anyone to have her.  Her last relationship also results in lots of contact.  That’s not me.  I’m riding the wave of trusting that if we are ever meant to be together, life will aid it, and if we are not, I don’t want another close friend.  That’s my tried and true process.

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Craving

It’s interesting that it took me this long to get where I don’t have any angst whatsoever.  It was a long, long haul.  It seems like this last time around when we were together for about two-months it was a trial run for me, and I probably didn’t think it was going to work anyway.  I think that I just love having sex with her.  I’m kinda neutral on relationships in general at this juncture anyway.  They don’t seem to last.  Maybe I’m in a weird age bracket.  Who knows?

We can have sex two weeks from Friday or not.  I’m not holding my breath or will I ask for it.  I haven’t ever asked for it since my bday and she got pissed and left.  She accused me of keeping her up.  As I said in October, I’m permanently off that party bus.

I know her patterns with me anyway…  She contacts me when she misses me, wants to have sex, or feels like she needs to connect to me.  The way in which she does the latter isn’t the way anyone connects with me.  She’ll call with book titles or parenting tips.  I guess it’s an intro into a conversation, but it doesn’t facilitate one for me and frankly, isn’t the way that anyone talks to me.  I think that she is used to being the guru and the smarter one when it comes to her friends, so she gives advice or tips.  She should blog 🙂

Next spring, I’ll date again.  Right now, I can do sex with my ex or not.  I don’t have to reach out and don’t care if she does or not.  I have only known her 14-months and that’s no longevity for person like me that has had some friends for nearly thirty-years.  Additionally, I know that I will never be close with her.  That’s unfair to my next girlfriend, and is a very weird boundary for me.

I’m grateful to not be in the land of craving her, or wondering when she’ll contact me, or hoping that we will be together again.  If we are meant to get together next year, we will, but I know that we’d need counseling.  I wish her well this weekend at the big party she’s hosting.  I’m glad to chill at home and get some stuff done.  Most of all, I’m glad to not need to detox or deal with my likely former addiction to her.

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When you’ve got kids

She invited us to the pool and enticed me by saying we could work out, but we didn’t have enough time for the latter so I came home in an awful space and drank instead of eating.  Not healthy.  Won’t be doing that again.  My son wanted to see her, and he also wanted to see her little one who he hadn’t seen in probably at least five-months, and he has changed a lot.  Of course, the little one was all over me like he usually is, and that’s fine because I love him and my son was not jealous and she did stuff with mine in the pool too.  I don’t like enclosed water slides, but I was game, and did them several times anyway.

She is having all kinds of work done on her house.  I can’t afford mine in general, given what they have done with my salary and my health insurance and she is doing all kinds of elaborate stuff with hers.  That was a stark contrast.  It gave me all kinds of shitty emotions too, as did when she was introducing my son to her best friend’s son (The guy doing all the wood and sheet rock work.) and I overheard her say, “This is _______, and he is one of my best buddy’s sons.”  You wish.  I don’t do instant friend, and for gas money and some contributions toward my next oil change, I did you last weekend, so I’m not sure what you think of when you say, “one of my best buddies.”

My son had a blast, and we stayed way too long, and I couldn’t wait to get outta there.  However, when we finally did get home, I was only able to finish the cooking that I have done, so that these next three weeks will go off without a hitch.  I have a guy looking at my basement some time next week, and need to do serious cleaning and organizing, so I asked my son’s Dad to take him to his Voice class for me Tuesday night and I’ll work until I get everything done.  I need this renter.  Time to whip the house into shape.  We are not going to talk until next Sunday.  I’ll wish her goodnight and good morning and that’s it.  Hell, that has been it since April with the exception of August and September.

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Gratitude

I really had an incredible day today, and the only thing that would have made it better would have been to have some intimacy.  That’s it, and otherwise it was really perfect.  I got to sleep in and wound up nearly sleeping until 7, and then I got my dog to a day camp, went to my psychologist, dropped my son off at my folks’ and then I had a massage.  I didn’t even mind grocery shopping and used some of the time to talk to two different friends on different coasts.  Yay!  I made a smoked turkey, some incredible brussel sprouts whose recipe I got from friends at church, mashed potatoes and homemade gravy, and grilled carrots.  It was very good.  My Mom had made a pumpkin cheesecake that was wonderful as well.

I taught a colleague a one day weight sequence of three sets, and will show her another day of them on Friday.  I connected with my son.  I had an excellent session with my new clients.  I just think that I have tons to be grateful for and wanted to send out this wonderful energy.  To whoever reads this entry, “A very Happy Thanksgiving to You.”

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No absolutes

The only thing that I don’t want to do is drive up there.  There are multiple reasons why I won’t too.  It’s really far away and moves my needle a little over half when I do come home.  It requires me to get oil changes faster.  I also miss being home.  I have been away from home with my free time for three-years because I dated a woman who moved to FL and then when I was finally completely free of her, I started up another relationship and my ex does not live in the same city.  I need a home base for a sense of balance.

I know that I do love her, but I know myself and if I can spend a few months without seeing her and just stay focused on my practical stuff and writing for school and the normal nuts and bolts of busy work and my parenting responsibilities, I will be through being in love with her.  It’s fine to have love for someone, but it’s not good when you are not with someone and still very much in love with them.  I think that only this time I have made a positive shift in a healing direction because I directly told her yesterday that she’s welcome to come to me and when I “signed off” for the night and wished her well I told her that I’m sick of being away from my house all the time, and that’s true.

A friend of mine asked why I wasn’t dating.  I slept with my ex a month ago this weekend, but I didn’t spend the night because I could feel her mood turning and didn’t want her to unload on me.  But, that’s not it.  I’m just given a lot of pause of how quickly I went into another relationship, and this one, because my ex is a healthier person; although she does have an explosive temper, was actually much more serious than my former “partnership.”  My ex is a serious and intense person.  I’m not dating because I’m giving myself space until spring to even look around or ask around.  I do like that I have two new couples who are in partnerships in my life.  They will be women who I can spend time with and see if they have single friends perhaps when I’m ready.

So, I’m not saying that I won’t have sex with my ex.  I may.  I won’t drive 80-miles to do it because I’m never home, have way less money than she does, and I want her to want to see me.  If she doesn’t, each day I am getting better and better with that truth.  I’m just being increasingly patient with myself.

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Come and get me

Again, if she wants to have sex, she has to drive down here, and if that doesn’t work for her, we can go back to the land of whatever.  For now, I will text here and there because she called me this morning and said that she wants to date again when she is doing better.  We also reminisced about a funny time that we had last October, and then she said, “I miss you, ____.”  I told her, “I’m sorry,” and I really am.  Because what I miss is long, long gone as is that fun and carefree girl.  I don’t think that she left just because her Dad is gone, but rather she fell in love with me quickly (As I did with her.) and showed me her best face for three-months, and then she started her controlling and unattached stuff that she does.

We shall see.  Her journey is independent of mine and I don’t chase anyone.  I did enough leg work for her when she was my girlfriend.

I’m pretty sure that she knows that I don’t desire a friendship with her ever.  I would like us to be amiable, but right now, it’s not like that at all, as we still may have sex occasionally.  However, I need to be clear with her at some point that I won’t drive up there for sex again.  The barking dog incident (And this should not be confused with the psuedo-biographical account of the autistic teenager) cooked that for me, as I knew that I’d be blamed for her not sleeping.  I am not going to be a punching bag at all even if we do occasionally have intimacy.

So, I guess if she does ever want me again, she’ll have to chase me a little.  Otherwise, I will know that she’s just not that into me and I’m so fine single, that it’s not even funny.  I would love to co-parent with a woman, but I’ve learned in five-years how to solo fly with supports.

I had a good night.  I walked my dog and am chilling and going to hit the sack early.  My son doesn’t have school tomorrow, so I’m writing tonight (here) and he is with my parents.  We cooked tonight at a good friend’s house and her daughters and some of her friends came over and played a dance game on the Wii.  It was really fun and I loved being around typically developing teenagers, as I don’t work with any who fit that bill.  I have great friends.  I’m fine on my own, and open to whatever happens next.  I just won’t hustle for anyone right now, and need to keep focused on parenting and getting my schooling done.

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Rules

So, they are all for me now (rules).  She was texting a bunch the last two days, so I just called her because I don’t want to text back and forth because it’s weird and we are no longer dating.  She talked about her recovery and I told her about my determination that I am not at all into the engineer and that there was a woman in a bar who was checking me out and I didn’t notice at all, but my friend had told me to watch the video of when I sang karaoke, so I could see it.  I probably won’t though, because it doesn’t interest me and neither do women right now either.  She abruptly hung up; although, we have our “friends hat” on now.

Later, of course, she texted and told me that it hurts her to learn about how many girls are attracted to me because she still loves me and is attracted to me.  I told her that we are not friends then. I need to be clear and so should she if she wants to feel better, etc.  Then she told me that she would do couple’s work with me, but that she has so much to sort out individually–and that she is working on it too–so she cannot do that on top of it because she is not able to commit to double therapy.  She said that in the interim she’d understand if I moved on, but between now and then she’d appreciate us physically connecting…

I worked 45 hours this week and will work 52 next week, so if she wants sex, she’ll have to drive to me.  I will not go there for a long time, and there is a good chance that by the time I really need some intimacy that I’ll just go out around here to see if interest in women is something that can start to happen for me.  Right now, they tend to annoy me or I guess I just don’t notice them.  That is nearly 100% independent of her too, because I’m simply not ready to date.  I wouldn’t date her again either without her making some serious changes.

I was feeling very good that she finally has admitted that she is the one who needs to do work.  It’s not me.  I’m stable and grounded and know that really I just eventually want to share my life with a woman, but don’t want to to share it with one who is on my ass all the time or picks fights.  No thanks.  So, if she wants to have sex, she needs to head my way, because I won’t ever text her first and I don’t want to drive up there anymore, because frankly it’s a financial and time sink–it’s not worth it to me unless we were building something.  I get that she probably wants to date me, but I don’t want to date anyone who I don’t feel important to.  If you really want me, come on down, as you know where I am, I’m a sexual person, and I’m more than happy to meet your needs, but it has to be on my terms, because you are the one who continued to push and pull, so now my ground rules are come to me if you want me, but I’m not doing dating maintenance.

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Lessons

My number is so paltry for being 38, but I think that because I told my psychologist last night that I’m not ready to date that exercises in before and after are probably good for me.  I don’t want to be part of the catch and release program anymore, so I am going to recall what I learned from every connection that I’ve had.  Sadly, some of these might be a reach, but I want to list what I learned:

  1. High school = try to avoid enabling
  2. College = if you make somebody cry frequently, you are not compatible
  3. Marriage = if you continue to enable someone, you have to step away
  4. Coming out affair = falling in love will make your heart race and consume your being
  5. Cowgirl = I really can’t do casual
  6. Musician = I won’t do push and pull
  7. Drunk = start your day and end your day with a snuggle and enjoy water anytime you can
  8. CEO = keep your body in the best shape possible, detail your day and plan your week so you are more able to enjoy time with your family, and be vulnerable
  9. FB = I am seeking integrity, mellow is good, but not when it borders selfishness and hedonism, and I want time spent with someone with whom I am intimate to matter

I can look at these and see a pattern that follows every other relationship.  That really could mean that the next girl who I sleep with could be one who I could fall in love with and give my heart to–I am certainly open to that possibility.  Again, that means that there are some definite things that I don’t want.  I don’t want to be controlled or give too much of my time or resources.  I also want to resolve conflicts.  In addition to smart and sexy, I am seeking stable and kind.

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Feet on the ground

One foot forward and moving toward is what I want.  I will value having my doctorate done and my head clearer.  I will get my proposal defended this year before it ends.

I’m given quite a bit of pause how I don’t care to pursue any girls at all and how they tend to annoy me or not be quite what I’m looking for in terms of dating.  I am not chasing anyone or I am making things work that won’t work past some sex or tolerating what are simply some incompatibilities.  Pink says, “I don’t believe in soul mates, happy endings or the one,” and I would have always tended to agree with that.  However, there were some unique and earth moving things that happened for three straight months last fall that also give me a great deal of pause.  Maybe those soul-level connections are not meant to last.

That is why I have come to wanting stability in addition to sexy and smart.  That works for me, because except for getting irritated, I think that I have both feet on the ground.  I’m just looking for space from my ex right now, and I think that if it comes to it, she would stop contacting me if I asked her to.  Right now doesn’t feel like the right time because it was just her father’s bday, she is recovering from complex surgery, and it’s now the holiday season.  If it gets too emotional for me, I’ll tell her to cease.  However, my line is firm about not driving up there.  That I won’t do.

My psychologist says, “Chop wood.  Carry water.”  For me, it’s last night trying to complete three sets, and giving up, drinking a beer and eating cheese puffs.  I felt sad and laid in my bed and was mindful about crunching.  I miss our old times, and know that they don’t exist anymore.  I told myself it has passed.  That made sleeping easier.  It’s what I’ve got right now.

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Not into her

It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me.  I can use some downtime.  I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want.  I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox.  I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now.  In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.

I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months.  I met her in June of 2009.  When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone.  It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things.  I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October.  Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year.  However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip.  I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f.  Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.”  I guess that happened with my ex too.

She started breaking up with me once a month since January.  I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September.  Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening.  And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months.  Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow.  Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.”  To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”

What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl.  I would like some time to elapse.  It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college.  She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together.  When do you really know someone?  It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex.  I just won’t.  However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer.  Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself.  People sure are weird.

The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it.  Also, right now she is dating some men.  Nope.  I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night.  She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.”  No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman.  Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.

Again, I have not met her yet…  I am looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable
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There is no perfect partner

I get accused of wanting perfection, but that’s not it at all.  I want a girl to want to be with me, and when we make a plan, which I look forward to more than most because my life is busy, I just want it to come to fruition.  I would like stable next time around.  I would also like consistent.  I’m more than willing to work on my issues of rejection so I can project a healthier and more whole me out into the universe.  I do believe that you get what you put out.  I have always been consistent.  I have never broken a date.

When I commuted in state (80-miles when it was roundtrip) and was still in two grad programs and doing night work for schools, I made a couple of snafus, as did I once this August when I couldn’t bike on Sunday because I had to read at church, but I would never change plans because I didn’t feel like it or I had some half-assed emotional response that I was unwilling to share.  That’s not me.

I have also been really good about accepting my role in conflicts.  I think what will be a stumbling block for me next spring will be that I need to be careful with casual and sending the wrong message.  I need to practice saying, “I like you.  Let’s just see each other when it makes sense, and not too frequently, because it’s really good to miss each other.  In terms of future, let’s see what develops.”  I can do that.  I’m not ready yet, but in a few months maybe, and then I will see HER.

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Working out as it should

I got a really bad cold, so unfortunately yesterday was a wash.  It’s ok though, because it’s not like I had to think about how I would apologize to the woman who has too many acutely mentally ill teenagers who I help her serve and also do some case management with during the week.  Yesterday when I was sick I did not have to apologize for missing, because yesterday was a vacation day for us and the adolescents.  I wound up doing very little though, and only laid the groundwork for what I’m planning on doing with my psychologist.  She helped me see yesterday that I go into a flight or fight mode with my ex and now because I don’t like the way that we fight, I just choose to bail.  And she’s right, because that is what I’ve done.

The only conflict is when she’s nice to me, but it’s pretty rare.  She was back to one word exclamation point responses yesterday when I told her that I was sick.  I haven’t even cooked.  I’m lucky though because she let me off the hook and said that she had plenty of food and I should just enjoy my packed weekend.  She has to get that jab in for “packed,” and I guess one evening commitment and church is super extreme.   She can believe whatever she wants to about me, but I’m just glad to not have to expend all that gas and energy to get up there.

I took all the stuff that I normally take at night last night and took one more fish oil and two zinc tablets.  I feel quite a bit better today.  She texted and I really hate texting–especially with her–so I called her.  We talked for a bit until her toddler got up and then she called me back and was acting remote.  She HeyTelled later that she was NOT remote, but thinking about her day.  OK, then you were not engaged in conversation then.  God.  Please just go do your thing and some girls who worship you and stay off my ass, ok?  It has been nice to have a break, and one until the end of February is just fine with me.

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She does know me

She has been texting and HeyTelling me like crazy.  Finally, after I got done meeting with my other committee member for my dissertation, I just called her.  We talked easily and well and I fessed up that I have no desire to date or am I really attracted to any girls enough to hustle for them.  I said I’m going to screen print a shirt and it will say, “Yes, I know that I’m fun, but I really am not available to date,” and she followed it up with saying, “Just make a QR so that girls with Smartphones can scan you.”  That was hilarious.  Good one.  With her being so contemplative, she can’t attack.  It’s nice.  I do love her–especially when she is not moody and in her critical mode.  I think that she’s aware of this personality taint.

I also think that she’s cognizant that whenever I drop off food, it’s my last hurrah.  I wonder if she’ll date someone come January.  I think that she will.  I wonder if it will implode by April or if the girl will be much more accustomed to sucking things up and she can string her along for a few years, because she is incredible for a few weeks a month.  Who knows?  I wish her the best.  I really do.  She can be amazing, but when she is in a bad mood or pissed about little things that everyone does…  Watch out.  It’s horrendous.  I’m not going to write again until I do drop off some meals for her.

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On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

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Hmm…

I woke up differently today.  Additionally, I finally got some good, high quality sleep.  I haven’t been missing her since she cancelled on me in September and then called me names when it hurt my feelings.  I have been thinking a lot about my last three years of being in relationship too, and I can honestly say, it doesn’t matter that she won’t go to couple’s counseling with me.

Why did I put up with it for so long?  I’d never let a friend tell me the things that she had about me, and because I can only contrast it with the drunk, and she only had a couple of similar complaints about me and that was that sometimes I say things more than once and that I draw parallels from stories told to me from my own life.  She never called me selfish, or negative, and definitely not creepy and although my son can be challenging, she certainly never told me that he needed to be evaluated or perhaps have meds!  I don’t want the drunk back…  But, she was with me for a lot longer period in total, and I think that she knew me better.

So, what I can change about me is I can listen fully and pause.  If I really feel that something is important, I can state it and ask what do you think about that?  If my next girlfriend likes to tell long-winded stories about people who I don’t know, I can say, “I don’t have much to add, because I don’t know these people.”

However, I think those are pretty simple things to change.  My ex wanted me to feel like I had problems or I was somehow responsible for her unloading on me.  I’m just not.  If someone gets all over your case and you feel badly about it, it’s just an abusive cycle and bad relationship.  The best thing in the world that I have done the last two times that I saw her was to just leave when she gets angry.  I don’t have to engage in that kind of interaction and I sure as hell don’t have to take it from someone ever.  The dog is barking and keeping you awake?  Well, I’m going to head home and make sure that my presence is not affecting your sleep.  Your long story within an only 50-minute time period (That I have heard three times before) about people who I don’t know is “Not about me?”   Well, getting away from you when you are judgmental or combative is.

Good luck with your surgery.  Have a restful recovery.  Look within yourself for understanding and then strength.  I’m simply dropping off some food and won’t drive to you again.  Best wishes on your journey.