Tag Archives: Dating

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Occupational Hazards

I fear the question, “What do you do?” when I’m dating a new woman.  And, I had erroneously thought that my new gf knew what I did, because I have known her for 10-years.  But she didn’t and she said, “Oh.  Wow.  What makes THAT appeal to you?”

There is a gamut of responses:

  1. What am I thinking right now?
  • I actually have no idea, because I’m not clairvoyant

2.  How fucked up are you that you went into that?

  • It’s just what I do for a living because I was interested in psychology

3.  So, do you just diagnose your friends and everyone around you?

  • No, I am not working right now, but now that you mention it, paranoia anyone?

4.  How does it not bother you?

  • In that way, I’m kinda like a guy and when I’m done with work and leave the building or office, I don’t take anything home.

5.  I could NEVER do what you do, because I could not be around people.  How do you do that?

  • I don’t hang out with anyone long who needs group 🙂

However, my career has affected my dating, and I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t.  She and I need to talk.  She is sweet and tender and honestly would never do anything to hurt anyone or is she motivated out of cruelty.  However, because of my ex baggage, that I really need to honor, I crave consistent.  I need some ground rules around it too.  I had to call my workout partner and took a solo walk to take a picture of a tree that had probably 7 different shades of red on it, because at that point I had to clear my head.  How can something that we said on Thursday be a trigger on Monday morning?  No one is born knowing how to treat you, and when you have conflict you are equally culpable for engaging in it.

My workout partner said, “______ , you have had a really bad day, so that’s effecting the situation.  And you know stuff that is going to come up because of _____ , so you don’t have to tell that whole story, but as stuff comes up, you owe it to both of you to talk through those things so they can improve.  Don’t jump to conclusions.  Have a conversation.”

I realized that although I took two months longer than what relationship and family therapists say you should take after a relationship that because I have had no relationship, I had no idea what would be triggered in a new one.  What I mean is that I was with my ex off and on for 15-months and I didn’t kiss anyone or even seriously consider a girl for nine-months, so I just needed a new relationship to see what has affected me longterm.  I did wait more than half the time of our whole relationship, but I had to be in relationship to see what I have become.

Well, now I go to how WYSIWYG you are right away.  And that’s not it.  My artist has been naked vulnerable about who she is and what goes on for her.  It’s really my turn to tell some of that, which will include the impact of the only two times that I have been in love.  I guess that I’ll start that convo here.

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Possibilities

Anything is possible when you’re seeing a woman who sees the best in everyone, and she is willing.  She wants to explore, and that matches well up with what I have read and heard one of my gurus state, and that is “loving fully without guarantees.”  I like that it will develop more slowly, because there is nothing that is crazy-making about a steady and slower pace.  I know that I shouldn’t spend too much time on contrast, but she is so different than previous relationships.  I’m lucky.

  1. She drives to me even when she has had a 10-hour day and her back is sore and compressed.
  2. She is smart and loves to read and write all kinds of things, but each one of them is thought-provoking or somehow poignant.
  3. She is sweet, tender and gentle.
  4. She is funny, and laughs easily and fully.  (Her laughter never fails to make me laugh or smile widely.)
  5. She wants to be with me, and is willing to see what can work out

I know that it is not particularly healthy to contrast women who you’ve been with, but I just did a lot of that this weekend.  I rarely had my ex-gf down to my house, and in fact, she would complain about my house all of the time too, as I’m not anal or is mine a newer one.  I live in a 50s ranch with a finished basement and the neighborhood has established trees in the front yards, and my floors are hardwoods.  I actually love my house so I found that insulting.

She read self-help and new age.  She was critical and quick to anger.  We stopped laughing.  My workout partner and I read and shredded her cards that she gave to me fall through about February of 2012 on Saturday.  Even the first few were full of tired and trite phrases and terms of endearment.  She is really just all about marketing and taglines.  There also were a couple that said stuff like, “I appreciate the things that you’ve given me, and I’m sorry that I can’t lean on you while I’m going through tough times.”

There isn’t much that is similar between these women with the exception that they have been on their own since teenage, and have had a lot of strife throughout their lives.  One found a way to embrace joy, and the other found a way to craft a world wherein emotions are kept at bay and people are controlled.  I can tell you which one makes me feel like anything is possible.

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Last time that I went slow

I had a gf in hs and another one in college.  Both of these girls were barely bi, which worked for me at the time because 1) I love women, and 2) I had not worked through any of my internalized homophobia.  I remember once after we had become sexually intimate that my gf from college said, “Did you ever consider that you are a lesbian?  If something happens twice and does feel this right for you, I think that you should consider it.”  That scared the shit out of me at the time.  I was probably 20.  I wouldn’t deal completely with it for 13-more years.

Women who are only slightly attracted to women are probably still around me, but I don’t think that I look butch enough for them.  My previous partner who I was with for two-years is soft butch.  She is also a raging alcoholic too, but for the purpose of this post I should mention that she had an entourage of girls who were barely bi, and one of whom she kept around until she moved to the East Coast.  Barely bi women stopped appealing to me as soon as I came out.  I don’t want to date someone who–for whatever reason she has–gets all tripped out touching a girl or doesn’t want to try different things with a girl.  I’m sure that if I looked more gay at first glance that girls who were curious would approach me, but they don’t, and I’m glad.  Reciprocal sex that I have had over the last 6-years is what I like.

I didn’t have full, reciprocal sex with my college gf, but because we knew each other sexually, I could reach fulfillment with little contact from her, and we just got used to that being our dynamic.  At first, it was just so great to be with a woman again, so I think that I should tell that story, because a lot of it is very sweet.

She wasn’t my roommate at first.  But, our roommates were from the same town.  We went to a commuter campus for the most part, so the dormitory would become empty on weekends and often except for a handful of girls who were socially awkward, we’d be the only two left on our floor on Friday night through late Sunday afternoon.  She had a terrible frat boy bf for about two-months that fall.  He would make her cry a lot.  I gave her solace.

Honestly, she is one of those girls who is naturally sweet and cute.  Now, she is 5’9 & 1/2, and has huge blue eyes, and that fair, freckled skin that I love, but she is mostly a total sweetheart who has no idea how beautiful she is.  In that vein, the Halloween of our freshman year she said, “Let’s go buy pumpkins, because we should carve jack o’ lanterns!”  We did, and when we lit them, she moved against me and put her head on my right shoulder while we sat in the dark.  I hoped that she couldn’t hear or feel my heart beating.  I’m sure that it was also racing visually through my neck.  She said, “This is nice,” and I said, “Yes, it is.”  She said, “I really like your voice.”  I wanted to sink through the bed.

We moved in together the following January.  We would lay on each other all of the time.  I never kissed her, but she always wanted to sleep in my little twin bed, so she did.  We got through that spring.  I stayed away–I went to college out-of-state–that summer and moved into my own mother-in-law apartment that I could afford and tended bar all summer.  She stopped living at the dorm the following fall; although, she had a new roommate and spent every night with me.  One night after we had practice for a musical that we were in, I took off her shirt, and as I traced her stomach and between her breasts, then she turned on her side and started kissing me.  We were together off and on and between her bfs for about 2.5-years.

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Slow and Easy

Who doesn’t want that?  I laid next to her on a futon last night while we watched an inane movie and I almost fell asleep.  I never felt like that with my ex, and by the time my partner of two-years and I would lay down to do something like that, I just wanted to finally be physical because I had 2-4 drinks in me.  This relationship has that good feel to it, but I will tell you that I have thoughts a lot when I’m listening to her breathe or sigh.

Now, I must be honest.  She was making jokes about an actresses’ breasts, and I wondered why she never feels me up?  That is usually something that happens pretty quickly with girls who I date, and they are usually shocked that my bras are not padded.  I have a flat stomach, which is certainly damaged by old scars, and no ass, but I do have a moderate rack, which women who I have been with have been really complimentary on while we cuddled or had sex.  Hmm…

I don’t put the moves on her, because I don’t feel like I have been given that cue at all.  I love hugging her though and do that all the time.  We kissed a lot last night, but did not make out.  She made a really tender and well-seasoned meatloaf and we had sandwiches, I assembled a salad and she quickly cut up cantaloupe, so the result was wonderful.  I’m glad that she can cook.

List of gratitude:

  1. Our frequent laughter
  2. The contrast of her her skin against mine
  3. The way that she smells
  4. How easy it is to be next to her after I’ve been there a little bit and have adjusted to her beauty
  5. Her hugs
  6. When she touches my face or lifts my chin and kisses me
  7. Her intelligence and the way that she makes literary or other movie analogies while we chat

I hope to see her soon.  I am going to text her tonight after I’m done with my supervision.  The only time that I have had something develop like this, I was 19-years-old.  I should tell that story from start to finish the next time I log in.  I will.  It started 20-years ago.

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Communication and “Stuff”

I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships.  However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well.  There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.

My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest.  It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway.  I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself.  I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.”  I digress.

To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.

My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend.  I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet.  I had left my cell in my car.  While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to  hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone.  I called the restaurant.  I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights.  She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.”  She is a big promiser.  It’s just her thing.

With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly.  For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July.  She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer.  That’s good.  Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking.  I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming.  I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.

In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too.  So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.”  All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general.  Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.”  I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on.  She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.

We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird.  She cussed and used exclamation points via text.  TRIGGER.  I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES.  I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair.  One time that I cancelled.  I’m not getting into that.  Space is better.

I can’t text fight.  I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points.  I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids.  These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012.  I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate.  I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her.  It was toxic.  (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house.  She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy.  I actually said, “I’m not ____ .”  I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)

I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house.  I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work.  After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked.  She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.”  I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.

I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves.  That is just me.  I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back.  When you run, those get really tight and defined.  I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy.  After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game.  We laughed hard.

Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach.  I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship.  I told her that I waited for her.  After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared.  She told me, which is good.  But what I don’t get is why it scared her.  She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.”  OK.  Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it.  OK.  She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating.  OK.  So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.

What was my result?  I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work.  So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike.  That helped.  Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more.  I just need to have this tough conversation.  It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment.  I don’t know how to have these conversations.  I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship.  My ex has fucked me up and I let her.

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You haven’t got it so figured out

I had a wonderful day Saturday completing the summit with the woman with whom I had an emotional affair.  She and I talked incredibly easy regardless of elevation gain, and she is the most suited climbing companion that I’ve ever had.  That’s sad.  We talked through the pointed flirtation at several intervals after the summit.  I held her twice when I dropped her off and told her that I wouldn’t mess with her and that she needs to get her shit together.  We are super compatible.  We talk, joke, laugh, are both inappropriate–especially in terms of our sense of humor, both love kids and working with them as our primary clients, we are both highly energetic, have good vocabularies and think that being outside and then following it up with a beers and a burger is one of the best things that there is.  We talked more about the lack of us on the way back down.  I told her that it didn’t matter how compatible we were, and if we made this–whatever-the-hell it is–into physical that it would not only be immoral, but it would wind up fucking both of us up big time and diminish the level of connection that we have and what could be.

Then, I came home and made a cool mountain album to put up on FB and got ready, because I was going to a wedding.  It was the coolest wedding that I had ever attended as well.  It’s not because the Governor officiated it, it was because it was short, sweet, simple, and outside the couple’s home with the block sectioned off so that street performers could perform and we could eat BBQ and drink microbrews.  There were probably 300 people there.  One of my best friends who is like a sister to me has a friend who is a talented artist.  I had been to one of her art shows last year.  I guess that she said to my friend, “Are you with ______ ?” and she said, “Don’t you think I would have told you if I started seeing a WOMAN?  No, we have been friends for years.”  She said, “Oh, well, I think she is really hot.”  That was so flattering.  She is magazine quality beautiful.  She pulled me out to dance, which I hate, but she eventually let me off the hook.

We didn’t flirt overtly or out-of-control, but we had an intensity.  One of my friends from high school who knows both the bride and groom as well asked me yesterday morning if this woman was in love with me.  I told her flatly and easily, “No, but I am not sure who I will wind up actually dating next.”  She texted more and eluded to the level of sexual chemistry that could be felt when we were sitting with each other.  So, what am I going to do?  I’m going to email her this morning.  She has four boys.  She is a talented artist.  She has had pain in her past.  She looks like the child of Jane Seymour and Audrey Hepburn, and it was highly flattering to have her express interest in me.  It made yesterday very interesting too!  At least I won’t skip any workouts anymore 😉

After my friend from the swings got out of church, she called me.  We had a wonderful and good conversation.  However, the breakup with her gf does not even approximate clean.  They did an open relationship before ending their relationship, and the woman with whom she had the polyamorous connection is now pursuing her exclusively, but indirectly has shared that she will likely sleep with her ex for always.  I haven’t been down that exact road, but I know that I am not cut out for open.  I like stability in relationship and not wondering why I don’t give someone enough.  I’m smart enough and have been in enough classes to understand that sexual experiences and intimacy vary for everyone, but when she said, “We will have to be different now,” I did tell her “I don’t think that is possible.  You started off with only a sexual foundation and found each other seeking an open experience.  Also, the intention that you put out in the universe was that you a wanted polyamorous connection.  That was your intention.  I don’t think that it can convert.”

The sad thing is that this girl wants to continue an intense relationship with her ex.  My friend is done with her ex.  For right now, I’m done thinking about my friend in any other way than that she needs good friends, who like my climbing partner from Saturday, does not need to be fucked with visa vi a potential love interest.  She has a load of stuff to figure out completely independent of me.  Her mother and mother’s bf loved me.  I’m pretty good with parents in general, and it was nice to meet her mother finally and be part of their home.  I am going to write a Thank You Note to send this am after I have woken up with my coffee.

I can’t believe the wrinkles that get thrown up.  I kept saying that I would prefer not to date another mother if I didn’t have to.  I get that you choose who you date.  But, honestly being on the receiving end of that much attention from a completely beautiful woman was encouraging.  I’m going to email her and I would like to bring her dinner one evening next week before I leave town for my bday.  She doesn’t drink at all, which would probably be a good break for me too.  I am very much looking forward to seeing what is there.

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Hold the phone

I spent time on the swings last March with a beautiful woman.  The activity was sweet and innocent and lovely.  It was such a contrast to things that my ex and I would do.  You know walk her sweet dog while she screamed at her.  Anyway, that whole Sunday fucked me up.  I thought she was beautiful when I met her nine-months earlier, and then time with her was just so easy and she is so good with my son.  She wants kids.  She is four-years younger than me.  Perfect.  I also am very close with one of her best friends from hs, so my knowing her for 15-mos feels like longer.

She is coming over on Sunday.  She is coming over being newly single on Sunday.  I can’t wait to hug her and have dinner and conversation.  I want to get to know her better.  When she came to my church when I spoke, I was so excited.  I thanked her over and over.  I think that she is interested in going to church with me too.  I suppose given that she has spent time with my son, and the fact that I know that she will need some time to get through her relationship ending, it’s probably ok that she continues to spend some time with my son.  I have a natural barrier with that next weekend because we are in the mountains in a cabin with friends next weekend.  I’m just so excited.  It makes Saturday a walk in the park…  Or up a mountain.

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The long haul

On Sunday, I was sitting in the pew with the woman who I had the two-day emotional affair wherein one of the men who had been out at a church fundraiser the night before came over.  I apologized for teasing his friend what was then, last night.  He said, “Oh, you mean my wife?  No problem.”  I asked how long they had been married and he said, “Sixteen-years.”  The women who I was sitting with and I reacted as if we were impressed with the number.  After reflecting this morning, I realized that had I stayed in the land of repression and just accepted that I was married to a friend who really didn’t have an ounce of ambition, I would have been married for 15-years this fall, and I’m way younger than this man.

I made it nine-years.  I got tired of being breadwinner, motivator, and not being allowed to do things that I wanted to do because he wanted to sit around and do very little.  One time he didn’t work for eight-months and didn’t make a single meal, but managed to cut down the apple tree that was next to the Master bedroom.  You don’t need my degree to figure that one out.

I think that everyone wants someone who is a good companion to him or her.  I think, too, that everyone would like to have arms wrapped around them in passion or simply in warm exchange.  I don’t think that those aspects in a love relationship are too much to ask either, but I think that when the foundation was shaky or simply only built on sex, that it tends to fade off, and then you notice chewing with mouth open, or that you don’t help with dishes after dinner, etc.

I have a host of habits that I think some of which have changed that annoyed my ex.  She is a neat freak, so she cleans stuff up in fervor.  One time her pitching everything out included my favorite stocking cap that I eventually found buried in her garbage.  I thought that my son threw it out.  Then, because it had only been just under three-months, I began to note the bulldozer of disposal that ensued when she didn’t have house guests any longer.  It was like ridding herself of others.  She also didn’t like that sometimes I get excited when people share a story and I either punctuate it or ask questions that can change what is being told.

My ex called me in July and I listened passively.  When there was a really long pause I said, “That’s funny.”  I do think that a good outcome is that I listen more fully, and with the exception of my workout partner, I don’t punctuate convo anymore.  I guess it’s rude.  She actually just says the same things all the time, and they are devoid of emotion, “Good job,” and “Way to go,” are really the only things that she says in affirmation.

I would have grown really tired of my imperfections and quirks being thrown in my face and being so religiously criticized.  I don’t miss her at all.  We don’t have similar views on much of anything.

Now, I’m left with very few choices, so I require a new pool.  I don’t want someone morally compromised, I don’t want to sleep with a liar, and I don’t want to chase either.  I asked out a mother last month, and I asked out a girl that I met on an outing on Meetup too.  Both expect me to pursue and not just ask out and then see.  That is not my thing.  I like the one-on-one connected conversation over a beer or on a hike.  I don’t want to chase in hopes of something developing, because it’s not me.  Something will happen when it’s meant to, and it will be something that is meant to last.

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Weeding out

I sure am good at that!  I guess since I got so overextended for a couple of days, I had a small delusion that when this girl could get all her shit figured out and learn to parent on her own for some time that maybe we could date.  We exchanged some emails yesterday and I realized that we are on different planes of existence right now.  Plus, her kids are much like the kids who I work with, and not to sound like my most recent ex, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to expose my son to stuff like that.  She also told me a drunken story that happened this summer, and because of my old partner who moved, that is another thing that I would never expose my son and not myself to either.  I love microbrews because they taste great, and being a cook, I have a discerning palate so have beer preferences.  (I CANNOT drink the dog shit beers that my cousin does, for example.)  But, getting plowed is not something that I ever did much–unless, I was in a dark space.  So, again, no thanks.

So, no more flirting.  That is good anyway, because I’m not much of a cheater, which is kinda weird considering that I was married to a man for 9-years, but it usually just translated into my feeling an attraction toward a woman, and then avoiding her as if there was something bad that happened.  Well, there was.  I was plagued with my internalized homophobia being around her.  It’s not that I feel like I am above anything, because obviously I am not, which is evidenced by my letting inane flirtation just go and then wind up talking about sexual practices and other things, but I don’t want to invite in interactions that are 1) pointless, and 2) delays authentic interactions.  I don’t want complicated or someone who complicates things because of a variety of circumstances in her life.

I defend (initially) on Wednesday.  Therefore, I write all day today and have to make the observation rubric for my research as well.  I have feedback on it from my chair, but my other committee member must just be ready to give me my feedback during the defense.  That’s kinda scary, and I will only have four-days to make the revisions.  It’s just going to be a very busy week for me.  My poor son is not going to get much interaction from me this month, but then it will calm down.  Ultimately, given the shitty state of our economy, I will be lucky to have this particular degree completed so I can do side work that is pretty lucrative.  I’m waiting on a high-paying tutoring client as well to call me this weekend, so I will have weekly work for grocery money and such.

I have a new love.  My workout partner has been boxing in August.  She took me to a boxing class.  We did really fast-paced cardio stuff for some time and then different patterns that switched up all the time with punches and dodges.  It was amazing.  I have a membership to our regional and local centers, so I just googled which center has a boxing class.  I talked to the gentleman manning the desk and he found a class that works with my schedule twice a month!  So, Monday I go, and still have 40-minutes to get to work.  And it’s a ladies class 😉  I’m still holding out.  I’m picky, looking for both connection and passion, but given what I went through with my most recent ex, I also crave stable.  She’s out there.

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And I can be taught!

I want to meet up with one of my friend’s best friends, but she is another mother (dammit) so that makes scheduling a complete nightmare.  I want to grab a couple of beers with her and sit across the table with her and if I can feel it, I want to go on a long hike with her, and then, we shall see.  I love sequences and rules.  I have arrived at what will work for me, and know that these kind of things don’t work for everybody, but I wanted to write about what I have learned.

My new set came about in 2010 when I started having SERIOUS reservations about going exclusive with the girl I met in the bar in 2009 who turned out to be a complete alcoholic.  I kept asking her if she really believed that your FB or one-night stand could actually become your gf?  Maybe for a lot of girls, the answer is “Yes,” but mine filled me with such caution and I guess that I never fully believed if she had not moved that she would have kept our psuedo relationship open, and including the bi-curious str8 girl who she worked with.  I knew, definitively, that we would never be long-termers when my son and I tried to spend two weeks with her over Christmas.  At that point, I told my best friend from grad school that she and I just couldn’t ever be compatible.  The catches with her were the trips and plane tickets already bought and paid for in 2011.  I kept seeing her, and knew that I shouldn’t.  I talked to her about our shelf life all the time too, but that was dangerous to do with a drunk.

I realized that the way that you start out with a girl really does matter.  This particular ex used to tell me all the time, “Don’t fall in love with me,” and I never did.  I did begin to love her, but I feel love toward good friends as well.  It was terrible that she fell in love with me, because then she told me that I was her key to a stable and full life.  At that point, I was beginning my personal financial issues, and associated problems so she told me everything that I wanted to hear.  I was convinced.  For a time period anyway.

Now, I know, Lesson #1 The way that you begin a relationship, will be the way that the relationship ends

When I turned 37, I was so glad to be completely free of her, and had a plan when I would fly in October to the state where she now lived, and was thrilled that my best friend from grad school would pick me up.  I was on top of the world late that September.  So wonderful was it to be completely single, and I also found a church that I love and continue to go to. I figured that my next gf would grow from connections with those in my church community; however, upon reflecting on that idea, I realize that the congregation is too much older than me, and is also full of gay men, so that’s pretty unlikely.  I never expected to go to a BBQ and meet my most recent ex’s best friend.  It had only been about ten-days since I last slept with my ex when I exchanged emails with my most recent ex.  Honestly, I had sex several times with the drunk because I am pragmatic, and I figured that I would enter a long dry spell.  It turned out to be no dry spell and insta-relationship.  She seemed so different than the drunk that it just “felt right,” and as a consequence, I learned another big lesson.

Lesson #2 No matter how right a girl feels, you need to know her and hang out for awhile before sex

And after all, she is a top sales and marketing professional.  Those kind of folks live and breathe “closing deals,” “showing a side that appeals to others,” and “talking in ways that ignite emotions.”  All of it is a sales pitch, and does not have a shred of truth or authenticity.  I only wish that I had seen her talk to her employees prior to us sleeping together for a month!  That would have ended any amorous feelings that I had for her prior to the dopamine hits and the elixir of passion, which do highjack anyone’s mind.

My most recent ex was also the complete master of make-up / break-up.  She could do it so much better than anyone in the world, actually.  I don’t think that I will ever have another girl who I am interested in do push and pull so well.  So when this tiny girl reached across the guy that I was talking to at a friend’s going-away, I was given some pause.  This girl was INTO me.  That never changed and had not changed five-months ago when she called me and wanted to see me.

So we hung out for five-weeks.  I made her meals, bought her beers, talked and complained about my ex (who I was still very much in love with at the time), we climbed a mountain once, and talked to on the phone as well.  We dated for a little bit after I got drunk one night and was taken with how she knew word-for-word all the lyrics to any song at a karaoke joint.  I do like smart.  However, as her lies were being slowly revealed and she felt guilty about them, I began to see who she really was.  Actually, I think that she realized that I was back at work and that, then, she should be going back to work, but would not be doing so and I would be onto her games, so she just had to tell me.  I had arrived at my final lesson before 40 that I follow to this day.

Lesson #3 We need to hang out with each other’s friends

I want to know your friends, and you need to see the level of support and care that I provide to mine.  I love my friends, and am honestly one of those people who does everything for them.  I love connecting over music and food and going on outdoor adventures.  I laugh hard with my friends all the time and would have been a mess during this very long dry spell without their support as well.  They are honestly my family, and even when we disagree, we can move through conflict well and still have each other’s backs.

So, we shall see if we meet for beers.  I would like to start slowly and mindfully.  I met her in June, and have heard about her for over a year.  I know her best friend, and do outdoor stuff with her best friend’s partner who I adore.  It would be really simple for me to host a patio party in the next few weeks and have them and other friends at the party.  I can follow my rules

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Chemistry vs Compatibility

One time I saw a girl in a bar and we locked eyes and a killer, but unmistakable I-don’t-care-that-all-I-am-is-trouble smile spread across her face.  Having told my buddy that night who is now my roommate that my intention was to have a one-night stand, I was very glad to have had that greeting when she walked in.  That is chemistry.  I’m actually very adept at talking to a girl and knowing if we will have excellent sex.  I guess that when I don’t feel it, I don’t try, but I know when it will be sparks and fireworks.

You can’t really confuse sexual chemistry with long-term qualities though.  If you don’t have similar values and interests, you can actually wind up only really connecting in the bedroom.  I was talking to a friend on the phone today and told her that how you show up in the world also has much bearing on how long you can comfortably date another person.  I guess that as I begin my new round of screening with girls, I need to remember who I am.

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Not a shadow me

  1. I had a very odd dream last night. I had to go to the dermatologist, mainly because I had to use a restroom, and when I came into the office the girl (Derm) was intensely looking at me. You know that eye contact thing that means, “Hey, you are hot or otherwise intriguing.” My son had dropped some book pages in the gutter, so I was rounding them up, and then I found a way to rebind them and order the missing pages. So, I brought them into the doctor’s office so I could chat with her. She was not my type, but as my intern who had dinner at my house rather accurately said, “Some attention is good attention.” It is.

She put the newly made books on her shelf in the waiting room. She told me that she also had a DC license for chiropractic. I liked that she was smart. I think she was Peter Pan.

What if Peter Pan had been a doctor? I think that it would have helped. I don’t like being lied to about anything, and I really found it distasteful that she just let a lie run until way after she had slept with me a bunch of times. In general too, regardless of anything, when there is no magic and spark in a kiss, it doesn’t float my boat.

Scrubs reappeared. I guess we’ll ride bikes on Friday. I asked my intern if I should just do her. I don’t really want to though, and with over seven-months under my belt, no sex is well-practiced (sadly). She honestly has huge teeth and no upper lip. I think that it would be unpleasant to kiss her.

One of the women from the outing on Sunday and I have texted a little. We are in very different places in life. She is a couple of weeks younger than Scrubs, but the latter has a little kid like I do. This woman has a raised kid, a 14-year-old, and an 18-year-old and said that she is looking forward to having both of her kids out. We are just in too different places. Also, she mostly talks about sports and outdoor adventures. I’m a little arty and love music. I also used to read all of the time (pre-dissertation) and I love to write. So, I don’t really want a jock. I like other stuff too much. I also think that she is clearly in a different life space than I am.

Taking the boys hiking today to a real fire lookout. They should be stoked. I have to stop writing now and make a quiche. (I don’t buy piecrust.) I have exactly 6-days of my vacation left, but this year will be way less working. Years seem to go by fast right now. I don’t want to engage in things that make my time spent less valuable. I plan on a good hike and connected evening.

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Complimentary Set

For years, I would say, “Everyone has baggage, but the art of relationship is finding your matching set.”  However, now that I’m pushing 40, it’s not really a “matching set” per se, but it’s complementary pairing.  Sounds easy, but after you’ve had several dating experiences, you can see that it is not as simple as it sounds.

These go together

These go together

Given the imperfections and, in fact, rather annoying things that all of us tend to do, it’s exceptional when those flaws are not “deal breakers.”  Some things just simply go fine together.  Other things cause sparks and friction like you wouldn’t believe.  Actually, I think that you do (probably) believe it or have experienced it.

I tend toward odd worries and don’t always trust that things will eventually work themselves out.  I also put up with far too much for too long, because I figure, relationships are hard.  Accepting my journey has helped.

I think that there is a complimentary set for most of us.  I also think that we tend to seek out qualities that are either part of us, or those that we have somewhere deep in the recesses of what is our true selves.  Even when a relationship ends, we can reflect on what changed for us, note growth, and learn to seek again what made us stay or alter the way in which we see things.

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Plague of insomnia

I have been with a headache for days and I think that it’s attributable to the fires.  I hate summer fires.  I took one of the evil meds, which seemed to work for sometime, but then got me all fatigued and tired, so I went to bed early.  I should be writing a report, and I may do that after I blog.  I just can’t sleep though.

Scrubs is something else.  I ran next to her–I was supposed to show her some weight forms at her athletic club–and we talked.  So, she has this ex who she really wants to settle down and make a life with, and I’ve seen pictures of her and she’s hot.  Also, superficially they seem to make sense.  She still does stuff with her, but has been put in the “undefined” queue a few months ago.  (I promise myself to tell a girl to fuck off if she ever says that bullshit to me again.)  It’s obvious how much she likes her though, but she has been going out on all kinds of dates with all kinds of people, and recently had a nice one with a man.  I told her, and I mean this, “If you can do that, it’s infinitely simpler, more conventional, and easier on the whole for others to ‘take.'”

When we went upstairs to the free weights, I did show her the forms, but she was interrupting me and talking and commenting.  Maybe it’s because she had to watch because it’s not good to do cardio on days that you lift, so I was simply illustrating the forms, but she was getting on my nerves.  I told her that she was a pain-in-the-ass.  She had talked to this girl before we started.  I’ve seen this girl out over the past few years.  After I ran through what this day of weights looked like, she talked to her at length again. When we got to the car later, she told me that she and that girl had a fling last summer.  I quickly did the math.  WTF?!?  I asked, “How does that work out?  I met your other fling on my bday trip in early fall…”  Then I realized that in addition to now-undefined girl, and trip girl, she was also doing gym girl.  AMAZING.  She can keep track of a lot, and seems to be a very good juggler.

Then I noticed her thin upper lip.  How she is wrinkling around her eyes very heavily, and that her teeth are pretty big and fairly crooked.  I guess I know what I’m doing with Scrubs…  I’m making a new friend who I can hang out with when I don’t have much to do.  She is TROUBLE.  When you see trouble, your brain makes her less attractive.  Thank you self-protection.

Then there are the entourage of the heavy drinking and sometimes fighting girls.  I’ll see one of them at the end of next week for stuff in my house.  That’s about all I want to do with them.  I don’t want a friendship with any of them, and when you are fighting with your partner and that gets pinned on me, and I didn’t KNOW you two weeks ago, I think, “It’s time for twelve steps.”

Everyone is doing the very best with what they’ve got.  It amazes me that what many do have is a path to destroy themselves and create pain.  I think that years ago, I would have tried to support these people in their internal struggles.  But, that’s the thing… Their choices are theirs, and they get what they need from making them.  However, I don’t have to get entangled in their choices with them by sleeping with any of them.  I think the clinical term is joining.  I don’t need to do that.  I’m holding out for true connection, excellent conversation, and health.

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Much improved

Monday pretty much sucked.  I also had a potassium fall and my left bicep was twitching all to hell.  I just have determined that no one should be electrocuted.  Very glad that I finished the event on Saturday night, but won’t do it again.  I like our little local 5-mile adventure race, and now that I know what to expect, I want to get a good time on that one next year.  No electric shocks and not running up blacks (ski hill) = more manageable.

Tuesday I actually even got a little work done.  Had some need to text Bette because I finished that race well.  So, now I’m going to have to write two more reports and then go to the art supply store for work tonight.  Wish that I would have slept more, but not really complaining.

I’m in my 4th month of continuing not to date.  I have been completely celibate for six-months as of Saturday when I did the race challenge.  I think that NOT dating takes up less energy and when you have a little flirtation mixed with possibility for fun hang outs.  It yields that you don’t have very much expectation.  I took a walk with my cycling partner yesterday, and I told her that I have no idea what Scrubs and I are doing.  I also reiterated to her that she needs to find out what she’s doing with her ex before I would even consider kissing her.  I am teaching her how to complete my Day A weights on Thursday.  I look forward to hugging her.

Lez Children must be avoided.  Pride Sunday was really strange and I told my workout partner that I felt like I was in a throwback to five-years ago when I was newly out.  I just don’t do well drinking all day, and it frankly reminds me of my relationship with Shane as well.  Not enough goals and things that make you happy, imho, if you prefer to pound alcohol the ENTIRE day.

I haven’t had a summit yet.  I would like to get one of those one.  I think that I want to plan a climb on July 3rd.  I’m not even sure which one yet.  I’ve only done eleven and think that if I can fine jumping off platforms, I can increase exposure.

I have only Bette to thank for this level of fitness, so I did so.  Then she said that she wanted to send me pictures of her race, and I said no thanks.  She sent me some school stuff from her son.  I do miss him.  He is a cool kid.

Pre-screening is the only thing that I will do while I am NOT dating.  I don’t want to get involved with a woman in anyway that’s physical unless I really know her.  Then you can ignore things under the pretense of “getting to know you,” because you are already getting o’s and all the dopamine.  No more of that for me.  It may mean that I’m single for a year or two, and that is just fine by me.  I don’t want to gamble or be an ex collector.

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Would be nice

I’m at a bad point with my celibacy.  I guess that at this stage of my life, I don’t do well at the 6-month mark.  Scrubs was supposed to call me this morning, and I guess that she’s not.  But it’s not like she is in a place to aid my celibacy, because she is still in love with her ex; although, she thinks that she can hang out with her with the understanding that she can do so carefully and try to avoid getting hurt.  That is a tall order.  But, speaking of length, that would not be a situation that I would want to touch with a ten-foot pole.

I dreamt about Bette last night.  It was blended with one of my best friends, because the setting was a dog rescue that was going to be partially a source for a documentary.  (One of my best friends is an animal activist and therapy dog trainer.)  We were working together with two of the dogs.  Awhile later, she kissed me and it felt really good, and while we kept kissing, I took off her clothes.  I can remember the way that everything felt.  It is actually funny the level of detail that I can remember about being with her, and I don’t have a charge anymore while I sit here and type, but it was very nice in the dream.  That portion of the dream ended when owners of the dogs who were there to show parts of the rescue had come to get their animals.  We had to quickly get dressed, but were both flushed, so it was easy to tell what had been going on.

Last night after most of a Day B–I didn’t finish because my partner had gotten there way before me and I want to have all of my energy for tomorrow–we made some dinner.  We stayed up very late last night laughing and talking.  It was so much fun.

I cannot believe that we ate an entire quiche lorraine last night

I cannot believe that we ate an entire quiche lorraine last night

I told her that when Scrubs was ready, that I would just fine with being her rebound sex, because I just would really like some sex.  I told her that I could say, “I know that we are not meant to be in a relationship together, but if you need some distance between your ex, I’m fine with giving you some intimate attention.”  I kept writing about and thinking that she just doesn’t seem consistent.  She resurfaces every once and awhile and this is really the only time that she has said that she was going to call and didn’t.  She knows that 5 is my typical start time too.  It could be that she got called in earlier or something, but I tend to think that she just forgot.  I’m sure that when you are trying to navigate things with your ex, you get kinda inconsistent.  I know that I did.  But, there is something else about her that I don’t understand, but gives me pause.  We shall see as we hang out.

I really don’t want to do anything with the Designer and her Partner.  That has layers of stuff that I would rather avoid.  I do wonder what their friends are like though.  Honestly, if it’s not an interesting time, with all the happenings this weekend, I will probably leave and go downtown and kick around.  I just need to get out and do things.  It’s not that I need to take some girl home, it’s that I would like to have some options of getting to know you stuff at some point.  Perhaps it is not meant to be very soon, and I’m honestly fine with that.

When I met Shane, we had that chemical attraction and then had the most stimulating conversation about digital diploma mills and technology’s effect on relationships.  It was an incredible conversation, and I still can’t believe that it happened in a bar.  I had one mission that night, which incidentally was four-years ago in five days, and that was that I wanted to have sex, so I took her to the train station and then we made out.  I said, “Do you really have to go home, ” and she said, “No, I can do something else,” and I said, “Like come to my house?”

But past does not necessarily have to be prelude.  Let’s say that I sleep with a woman on Sunday…  I think that I have dated enough to sleep with a different kind of girl than my last two super controlling gfs.  That is not the order of operations that I wanted to follow per se, because I do know what sleeping with girls who I don’t know has yielded.  But, if I apply the same logic to my being single, I do have to realize that there are probably some women who are single who have been so for some time out and about, and with this weekend being Pride weekend, they may be out in droves.

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Been there

About five-years ago, I was in my emotional shoot-out stage.  You know where anything sounds good and you’d do anyone who gives you some attention.  I had a friend, who incidentally I saw a few months ago, who used to put on a leather panama hat and use a bullwhip, and I guess that many of us were ok getting naked for her.  I wouldn’t have sex with her, but there was a wild, drunken night at my house in the summer of 2008.  I remember that my now roommate cried in my basement about that, because she wanted to date me.  Turns out, I didn’t really want to date anyone and it would be six more months before I let any girl do anything below my waist with me, and that was my cowgirl with the incredible body, but bad voice and teeth.

My workout partner thinks that the woman who I met while trying to get a cushion redone and my blind fixed wants to get me naked with her partner in their pool.  I think that is really hot to think about, but I won’t do much in that scenario.  Mainly because that time has passed for me and went out with the bullwhip episode.  I’m still intrigued about their party and their “friend.”  So, we shall see.

I’m going to call Lonely Girl, Scrubs.  It’s dangerous, but so is this blog.  Scrubs texted me yesterday.  I was at the Credit Union so I just called her.  She wanted to chat too and was going to work late and drinking coffee on her stoop.  We had a nice convo.  I’m just not sure about her.  I need more time to get to know her.  I’m not really completely attracted to her, and I think that she senses that, but I do like her dimples and her legs.  I should take her on a proper date.  I need to hike and bike with her a few times, and then maybe will do that.  That is if I’m not attracted to the Designer and her girl’s friend.

I am also fine with status quo.  I get kind of ready for some action every once and awhile, but I don’t want action that is casual.  I want to really know well the next girl who I wake up with in the morning, or can’t sleep next to until I am completely exhausted and the sun is rising.

 

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Meanwhile…

Back at the drapery store or ranch…  My workout partner and I went to run today, and there was a class for seniors going on in the weight room until 10:30.  We took a small walk outside and dodged running sprinklers as best as we could.  When we got home, she wasn’t hungry, but I was so I ate about six-servings of the quinoa salad that I had made with roasted asparagus and Italian green olives.  It was a little gross and I will definitely need to run later, but not until after the plumber fixes (hopefully) my floor drain issue.

Our dog had shredded our sun shades in the livingroom several months ago, and the assembly was a nightmare to get taken down, but my intern and my workout partner helped me.  Then I took the cushion whose top has become sun faded and the blind to the drapery store.  This turn is where the mundane gets interesting.

I was asking the guy sitting at the counter in the drapery store how my blinds could be fixed and he told me flatly, “They can’t.”  Nice social skills, pal.  I decided to talk to a white dog playing in the store instead of him, and the woman who I believe owns this store came to help me.  I believe that this was the same woman who had helped me when I recovered my favorite recliner.  She said that I wouldn’t want the old rails on it anyway, so why didn’t I just match the blinds as best as I could.  So, I started working with her instead.

Next this girl probably in her late twenties came into the store.  She was wearing a pink stripped button-down and jeans.  She was a cute, young blond with her hair up.  She decided to strike up a conversation with me, and wound up also helping me see if there was fabric that could be ordered to recover my chair cushion.

We talked about her dog and I showed her a picture of ours who had ruined the blind in question.  She talked about her bull terrier who was throwing her red ball and then retrieving it when it rolled away from her.  She liked my dog, and made pleasantries with me.  I thought that she was kinda looking at my legs, but figured it was because I looked like total shit in running shorts, a sports bra, and a stretched out tank from 1998.  Then she started talking to me about her ex gf.  Interesting.  Then about her current partner and raising this dog who is pretty anxious given that she was abandoned by her ex.  Finally, when I was leaving, she gave me a business card with her personal cell on it.  We have been texting.  Apparently, I’m going to a pool party and she has some “friends” for me Pride Sunday.  Could be an interesting weekend.

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Begging to be told

I have some little things floating around in my brain… I want to tell it and talk about what these random thoughts are percolating in my head that is probably mostly a consequence of only working part-time and adjusting to that schedule SUPER FAST. I went to pick up the girl who I wound up caravanning with on Sunday night and her niece was in the kitchen. This girl is more upperclass than what I’m used to and I think also comes from money, so although she was in scrubs, she said, “Would you like a beer?” I told her that would be something that I’d never decline. Her niece who had been watching me said, “You sound like my mother.”

I said, “Ew… That’s definitely a Top Ten List something that I don’t want to hear,” and I looked at her again, and said, “There is probably no way that I could be your mother.” Then she said, shudder, “My mother is sixty.” I took it wrong though. Without skipping a beat, I said that was perfectly charming. We laughed and started up a conversation with my date who opened the beer and handed it to me. Rich girls do have very good manners. I think that there must be a difference between those who come from money and those who have made money. Bette doesn’t have anywhere near that level of finesse. The present girl then said that she was heading upstairs to change.

Her niece kept watching me. When she did we talked easily. She asked how old I was, and when I told her that I was 38, she said, “You look good!” A little color rose to her face, and I figured she was about the age of a graduating senior, so I said, “Oh, remember, I’m 60,” and then I winked at her. She flushed more and continued to talk. She then asked if I was single, and I said, “Very. I haven’t even been with anyone in 6-months. It feels good to be on woman detox.” Then she said, “I should ask ____, about that because I’m pretty curious.” I said, “I think that it’s kids in your age group. They don’t really see sexuality as an issue at all, and then girls, in general are always socialized well; therefore, being allowed to touch each other and holds hands and such. It seems like a natural extension. But…” I had to glance at her a little more while she was casually drawing and sitting down across the counter in the kitchen from me, “I do think that you are straight.” Then she said, “But, I’m very turned on by women,” and again more color rushed to her face.

Ha. That is some good stuff. Here is a child 15-16 years my junior who is all torqued up talking about women with me. I had this rebound thing last summer with Peter Pan when I was 37, and I found that her 31 was waaaaay too young. I highly doubt that any 23-year-old would hold an appeal for me, but it was fun, and it was interesting. I think that I need to grab a drink tonight. I have a damn job interview at 9:30 tomorrow morning, so I will have to take the boy to my folks’ house so I can do that. (I’m still not sure what I’ll be doing for supervision next school year.) I’m going to go out a bit and maybe even bar hop. I need to let these musings in my mind and body have a little life in them. 😉

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More See Saw

Dammit.  I was at my son’s End-of-the-Year Picnic when the Director of the Day Treatment called.  He said that he doesn’t know if he can get me adequate supervision next fall and spring.  I got upset and came home and did two applications, which wound up taking over two-hours.  In fact, it may have been 2.5 hours.  Lovely.  I’ll meet with him tomorrow.  My current supervisor will conference in on the call, which will be helpful.  We shall see.

I need a new nickname for the girl previously termed as “Lonely Girl.”  She is just like the rest of us, and doing the best that she can with what’s she’s got.  Honestly, she is newly divorced.  She and her partner have only been split for two-years and some change.  That is not enough time to get clarity with what you want, or how to co-parent divorced.  That takes time.  My ex and I have been not living together for nearly six.

I wanted to pick her up, but she was on call, so we caravanned.  My friend and she were from the same town, so that was a good connection for her.  She kept saying how cool they were.  My friend’s partner and she are in the same industry; therefore, she really liked them both given that she had something in common with each of them.  I do have great friends.

I don’t know.  She gives good hugs.  I had a date with a jailbait girl who I refer to as “Church Girl” last summer and I liked her hugs.  They are the same sign too.  I like water signs.  They have a good damper for my personality.  I just want to see what transpires.  What is meant to happen will.

I still like her dimples, and was very excited that she also wore a skirt (Well, mine was actually a skort, but hey!), and that I got to see her legs.  I want to meet some of her friends, I want to cycle with her and hike, and I want my workout partner to meet her.  Maybe we are each other’s wingmen.  Maybe we will be on a couch someday and start kissing.  I don’t know and trust that what is meant to be, will just develop.

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Str8 Entourage

I have been accused of collecting cute str8 girls…  And maybe like most stereotypes, there is at least a modicum of truth in the statement.  I stop at agreeing with my intern who said that I replaced my cycling partner with a prettier model; therefore, it was true replacement.  I’m thinking that most of it was just bad timing that she left her job mid-year and that I really like the woman who I wound up serving on a team with during the year.  The latter–with whom I do hang out a lot with–is smokin’ hot.  Oh well.  I like pretty girls.

I had my intern, her best friend from the southeast, and my workout partner over for dinner the night before my crazy, obstacle five-mile.  And what happens, that often does, is that girls get curious.  Not too curious, but at least the beginning of that normal, fluid, continuum sexuality stuff.  It was NOT subtle Friday night…  My intern’s best friend said, “______, do you wear the strap-on?”  Nice.

Today on the phone my new–and I guess, upgraded model–cycling partner asked what is lesbian sex?  She said, “You know with str8 couples if you don’t do penetration, it is not.”  I said, “I do rather love that when my str8 gfs say, ‘I have had sex with 5 guys,’ but they fail to mention to you that they have given ninety blow-jobs.  Str8 girls love to define what constitutes sex.  If you have had 95 cocks in your mouth, you are experienced.”  She laughed, but did not disagree.

I like my girls though…  They have gr8 show-up factors, we have great convos, and even if sometimes they tend to forget that I’m a Mom or that I’m gay, things like my acerbic wit, or disarming follow-ups tend to allow for them keeping up with me.  I just think that it’s funny when they ask sex questions.  Tonight, I’m probably going to take lonely girl to a BBQ at my friends’ house.  They have a wonderful house, and they wanted my son and I to come over for dinner–one of the Moms had given birth to their son almost 5-years ago.  I shall be around “family” folk, but am in a whimsical mood, so may post more of my musings soon.

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Hmm

I had a wonderful day yesterday, so now I’m reflecting on it.  Now, I’m looking forward to my hump day, which would have started out with a 30-mile bike ride, but it seems really cloudy and like it could continue to rain.  I don’t like slipping around inclines on trails on my very light road bike.  I don’t think that it actually rained much at my house, but there are huge gray clouds, so my new cycling partner and I are going to do an afternoon ride tomorrow.   I did my Day A yesterday, and it combined with humidity and heavy clouds promoted the best sleep that I’ve had in weeks.  However, I had a really somewhat unsettling dream.

I was in my black cocktail dress that is fitted at the waist, and I am not sure why I was because I had a slew of adolescents in a day treatment program with whom I was working.  Lonely girl was there and working with them as well, because she was giving information on psychopharmacology.  It should be noted that I would never be in a slinky black dress if I was working with adolescents or if I was at work, but I was.  She was talking to me, and then when I was talking to a group of boys, I turned around and she started touching my back, and then started tending to a blemish that I apparently had on my low back.  This dress is not backless, but it was in the dream.

Later after the clients were in her huge backyard in a group, she and I were drawing on a white board and talking about ethnicity, and I told her what everyone who just meets me and is somewhat gauche says, and that’s “What are you?”  I get a range.  I think that I look Italian, but I get Greek, Asian, and sometimes get asked if I’m Latina, which is more confusing since I do speak some Spanish.  She laughed.  We talked more and I sat on her back porch.  She sat down and put her legs around the back of my right arm and moved herself against me.  Then she pulled me to her with her legs, and wound up having her lower body completely pressed against my upper arm and her knees were against my stomach and back.  I could feel her heat.  At that point, I was really turned on and she asked if I liked her.  I said, “Well, I certainly find you attractive, but we have a house full of kids.  I’ll have to come back tonight.”

Wow.  I think that all the manifest content of that is that I really do miss sex in general.  It’s been a couple weeks shy of six-months.  I told my workout partner last night that I know that I let my ex say abusive shit to me for as long as I did because she met companionship needs and that I knew that when I stopped seeing her (completely) that I would have a dry spell.

This particular round of celibacy is somewhat self-inflicted because it’s rare for me to be attracted to someone.  I was not attracted to Peter Pan, but thought that she was sweet and earnest and it was really flattering to have someone so into you when your ex was doing more push and pull, and you hadn’t had sex with her in three months.  That was last summer though.  I am not attracted to lonely girl.  And she only texts very rarely.  She has a nice smile, gorgeous dimples, and I like her hands, but she really is not someone who you’d want to date.  I’m done with rich girls too.  I think that I also dreamt about her because one of my best friends just broke up with her bf who slept with his best friend a couple weeks ago.  He had been in love with his best friend his whole life.  She said, “It would be like if you and I got drunk and hooked up.”  I said quickly, “That would actually be a mistake because it would affect our 12-year friendship.”

Sex does affect a friendship.  With Shane and with Bette (my actual exes), I was not friends with either of them first.  So, I’m cool with both of them, but don’t seek them out or makes plans to see them.  This particular girl who I dreamt about and I are pseudo friends.  It’s not a friendship though.  It was odd that I lain in bed for sometime this morning before I got out because I was given pause.  I was aroused when I woke up.  In the dream it was easy for her to pull my arm against her with her knees.  I think that it’s good that if she does get into touch to hang out, I will have my son and she will have her daughter.  That will put a halt on any moves she might have.  Maybe it’s a cautionary thing.  She has a terrible reputation with the 40ish outdoorsy set who I met last September.  It’s all regarding that she is not one that you’d want to get into a relationship with, but I think if both parties are open, that is their business in terms of who they sleep with, but I’m not into open.  I don’t have time for it either.  I also don’t want to have sex with someone who had a relationship with one of my ex’s best friends.  No thanks.

I wonder what I will have capacity to do on Saturday night.  Probably not much.  The race is only five-miles, but it’s got a lot of climbing and lifting combined with water.  My son is doing the quarter-mile, so it will be really nice to see him on a weekend that is not mine.  I’m proud of him for trying.  I imagine that when I get home, I will not be into doing anything but taking a hot bath and using ice and Tiger’s Balm.  My intern and her best friend are going to eat dinner with me, so I am pre-cooking on Friday night.  These are those times when it’s really nice to have an uncomplicated pinch hitter.  Like an ex who you’d never want to be with, but are cool with.  If I’m being completely honest with myself, if Shane were still ten-minutes away, I could see myself saying, “Hey, can we hook up for a couple of hours this weekend?  Is there a window wherein you will not be having a drop?”  That would probably piss her off, but she and I had the most consistent sex of anyone who I’ve slept with, and I would never want to be with her.  It’s rare to have something so uncomplicated.  Gotta eat, clean and write.

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Finality

I have had this damn email for too long.  I’m not sure how long actually, but today in my son’s class (while I watched him dance), I realized that it carries energy in my draft box.  I don’t want that energy.  I like, “Good.  Hope you two are well.”  I don’t want it to be anywhere, but here–namely–because it invites reengagement in conversation and the like.  I burned her name on a piece of paper last summer with a sentence that I wrote.  After I blew the ashes and it had gone out, I unfolded the paper and it was blank.  All my handwriting had disappeared.  I have decided to put this email here, and then I don’t want to say much more about her.  I got what I needed and want to go to my friends’ party this weekend with it already “sent.”

I’m going to be as clear as I can.  I don’t want to pre-arrange seeing you.  I’m sure that we shall run into each other by chance in the future, but I don’t feel comfortable with a friendship or actively cultivating something close.  We had a good trial run of things for 15-months, and I don’t want to try to convert our old situations into a “friendship.”  I’m not there, and want to heal and move forward.

I think that we struggle to understand one another, don’t get along, and live far apart.  It doesn’t make much sense to attempt to turn a painful lost love situation into anything when it’s so difficult just to get together, and even relate to one another.  If we were meant to be friends, it wouldn’t be this hard, so I think that is life telling us something.

I don’t think that you know me all that well, tbh.  I think that if you did, you wouldn’t believe that I had “zero compassion.”  But, what I have come to is that it doesn’t matter at all what you think I’m like. If I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and don’t have compassion for others that is just what interactions with me yielded.  It gives me pause, because I don’t know anyone who possesses those qualities or have I ever told anyone that he or she were that way.  Such a strange thing for me, and I can’t wrap my brain around why that is the result.  Honestly, I’m not sure why that is your pitting of me, but it doesn’t seem like I should be part of your circle.  You should be around nice people.

I’m simply not that way.  I’m a lot of things, have tons of drawbacks and the like, but I just like to laugh and connect with others.  People who I chose to spend time with help me understand the world better.  I surround myself and am blessed with wonderful friends.

I can remember not being able to wait to wake up to email you to share about my day, get information on what you were doing, who you were, and what motivated you / made your heart tick.  I quickly fell head over heels in love with you and had an incredible three months with you sharing my whole self and feeling so gratified looking into your eyes or being in your arms.  I wouldn’t trade fall of 2011 for anything.

As I’ve said, I also yielded being able to make sure that my son has a wonderful meal when I don’t see him until the following morning, I realized that he actually needed a dog, and I really am in phenomenal shape now, which I know may improve my overall health and life quality.  The last thing that started toward the end of September nearly two years ago was that I trusted myself enough to give my heart away.  Those are pretty good lessons resulting from ending a relationship.  I am lucky.  Sorry that it only worked in my direction and you never got your four quarters.  They are coming for you or are already there with a really great girl.

Glad that we are cool.  It means a lot to me that you and I will be able to comfortably greet each other when we do see each other.  Peace and light your way.

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And some are just trouble

We were deep in the mountains the weekend before I turned 38, but then her son got sick and we had to come home.  She wanted me to stay and do a long day hike along a ridge, but when you are spending 5-days with the girl you’re dating, you want to do just that.  Because she is such a driven person, she wound up bundling up the baby the next day and we took a 25-mile bike ride.  The weekend wasn’t bad.  She was moody about her possible diagnosis which–as I knew it would be–turned out to be nothing but muscle tears.  However, there was there was more to the outcome of this weekend in general.

We drove back home and she said, “Who did you think was attractive?”  I found the question odd and then she said, “C’mon, who would you do if you were single?”  I told her, and she made a slight about her physical state.  Very her.  Then she told me who she found attractive.  My ex is shameless flirt; although, she would deny and call herself “clueless” when it came to stuff like that, so I knew that she had at least had intense conversations with her.  I mostly let it go, but did say that she would start pursuing her.

Then, the following Saturday when she had plans with us, she slowly cancelled on me via phone, and wound up “hiking”–my ex HATES to hike–with her and her daughter the following day (Sunday).  Then she sent me some of the meanest texts and basically called me a big baby for being sad about not getting to see her and not being a priority.  That was the nail in the coffin for me for us to be “dating.”  My ex is like a lot of people and always keeps one in the queue.  This girl was no exception until her friends told her how she is in relationship, and she also learned some things when she was with one of my ex’s old friends too.

Well, this girl didn’t overtly ask me out, but she did ask if I was going out on Friday.  I would choose pain of death before I would go to this venue wherein any manner of the ghosts of gf’s past could be dancing, and then she texted, “I need to meet people.  How does one do that?”  I told her that if she wanted to, I’d bring her to one of my friend’s parties when I could, and she said that she’d be honored.  She is just lonely.  I was there last summer.  I slept with Peter Pan.

We can hang out with friends, and be friends, but that’s it.  She is super cute and has great dimples, but she is her own worse enemy when it comes to relationship, and I have already seen her with her friends, and it seems, that many of them don’t talk to her anymore.  So, that’s enough data for me.  I honestly don’t have anything in common with a woman who is fine with losing friends.  It seems that she is not solid enough right now to make lasting friendships if newer friends no longer talk to her.

  1. Sexy
  2. Smart
  3. Integrity
  4. Vulnerable
  5. Funny
  6. Humble
  7. Open
  8. Stable

My BFF said, “Become who you want.”  I don’t think that I struggle much with any of these attributes.  I think too, that I really do know who I am.  Shane had this tattoo, “Know thyself,” except it was in Latin.  And she did, but she was not willing to share things that scared her with me.  She was open, but not too much so, because then she could not have justified her alcohol use.  I don’t think that justification has place in relationship…  I was short with you because you don’t read my mind about my grief.  Where is the emotion in that?  There isn’t any, but anger, and that’s just masked hurt.  Hurt is an emotion that few will talk about, because it makes you vulnerable.

Stable is another important factor too.  I’m not a warm body.  I’m someone who is worth it.

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Busiest Sat

What didn’t I do yesterday?  I dropped my dog off at Day Care, ran a mile and quarter with one of my bosses, I did my typical Boot Camp, but we had a sub, I watched my son play soccer, I went shopping for groceries, I heard back from one of the therapists, as I plan on referring one my clients out for specific treatment, I got 3.5 inches of my hair chopped, I cleaned myself up, I had some water and met the Scorpio, I ran my 5K with a colleague and her friends, and then I had two beers with the bday entourage.  I have to write after church today, and I have to walk my dog before I go.

The Scorpio was back with her ex, so I was very careful about talking to either of them.  She touched me twice, and then her gf took her into the bar on the side, and when they returned, she didn’t touch me again.  When they left–which was way after the 5K was done and they had remained at the bar, she walked over to me and said, “It was really nice to meet you,” so now I do know that my colleague who had a bday told her that I said that she was cute.  She’s very cute.  We had that eye contact thing as we shook hands the last time, and a huge smile spread across my face.  We shall see how long she stays like her ex this time.  Again, that sounds like me.

I ran into a woman who I hadn’t seen in five-years.  I had only recently taken her phone number out of my phone.  Her gf was very cute.  She has lots of relationships, and I always think that it’s funny that I’ve dated so much too, but that is exactly why I plan on slowing down right now.  I honestly don’t want to force anything.  I want to see how girls are with their friends–I got good data on that last night with Scorpio–and I want to do stuff together first with any love interest.  I don’t even know what I would have done with my ex except hang out outside with our boys, eat dinner, and take a night walk.  I guess that we did listen to music sometimes, but often that was when we were having sex.  We had an insta-relationship.  No thanks.  That doesn’t work.  It also has not worked for me to just start having sex.

I really didn’t do that though with the last woman who I had sex with–not meaning my ex.  Peter Pan and I hung out, listened to music, ate meals together, did a summit, and talked very easily.  I was very bothered by the way that she said that she would have to be beaten by her brother to get him out of her parents house (One of her brothers is an addict.), that she lied about her career and then rolled with it, her over attachment to her roommate, and because she had a mythology about her being the most easy person in the world, she was beyond reproach.  I just wanted to have sex after karaoke one night, so I did.  Also, it did help damper the feelings that I had for my ex.  However, I did that right with delaying sex.  I did so for 7-weeks, but she lacked integrity in general.  The thing that I missed was my other new rule, and that is hanging out with friends together.  She has one guy friend who she plays golf with, and then her roommate who is straight, but her bf works out of town all the time.  So, I think that Peter Pan already had a gf, and it’s her straight roommate.

Again, there was no one of interest at the bar.  Everyone really drinks too heavily for me and others seem cliquey and phony.  I had one good conversation with a girl from the east coast who came in on an ancient Schwinn.  The bar owner who I have known for six-years helped her take it downstairs and then she gave me a tour of the whole place.  It is really cool and is definitely the best bar that she has ever run in our city.  She gave me pink boy briefs with the bar names on the crotch, so I put them over my running pants and wore them all night.  This girl on the ancient bike was good friends with Scorpio, so that was good, because Scorpio heard me making her laugh hard.  We shall call this girl Cruiser.  She was smart, but not cute, but could maybe be a good friend.  I’m going to friend her today.  Late that night, I brought her bike up from the basement and she said, “Wow, that’s impressive.”  I assumed because I just carried it up the stairs and lightly placed it right by the door instead of rolling it up, she was surprised.  I hope that Scorpio saw that too 🙂

I’m doing very well single. I know that when I network it’s good.  I want to get my dissertation done and work privately more all summer.  These paycuts from the day job have really messed me up financially.  I know that I’m getting my feet back under me and my heart healed.  I’m well on my way and have not ever actually felt this balanced.