Tag Archives: Life

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Last time that I went slow

I had a gf in hs and another one in college.  Both of these girls were barely bi, which worked for me at the time because 1) I love women, and 2) I had not worked through any of my internalized homophobia.  I remember once after we had become sexually intimate that my gf from college said, “Did you ever consider that you are a lesbian?  If something happens twice and does feel this right for you, I think that you should consider it.”  That scared the shit out of me at the time.  I was probably 20.  I wouldn’t deal completely with it for 13-more years.

Women who are only slightly attracted to women are probably still around me, but I don’t think that I look butch enough for them.  My previous partner who I was with for two-years is soft butch.  She is also a raging alcoholic too, but for the purpose of this post I should mention that she had an entourage of girls who were barely bi, and one of whom she kept around until she moved to the East Coast.  Barely bi women stopped appealing to me as soon as I came out.  I don’t want to date someone who–for whatever reason she has–gets all tripped out touching a girl or doesn’t want to try different things with a girl.  I’m sure that if I looked more gay at first glance that girls who were curious would approach me, but they don’t, and I’m glad.  Reciprocal sex that I have had over the last 6-years is what I like.

I didn’t have full, reciprocal sex with my college gf, but because we knew each other sexually, I could reach fulfillment with little contact from her, and we just got used to that being our dynamic.  At first, it was just so great to be with a woman again, so I think that I should tell that story, because a lot of it is very sweet.

She wasn’t my roommate at first.  But, our roommates were from the same town.  We went to a commuter campus for the most part, so the dormitory would become empty on weekends and often except for a handful of girls who were socially awkward, we’d be the only two left on our floor on Friday night through late Sunday afternoon.  She had a terrible frat boy bf for about two-months that fall.  He would make her cry a lot.  I gave her solace.

Honestly, she is one of those girls who is naturally sweet and cute.  Now, she is 5’9 & 1/2, and has huge blue eyes, and that fair, freckled skin that I love, but she is mostly a total sweetheart who has no idea how beautiful she is.  In that vein, the Halloween of our freshman year she said, “Let’s go buy pumpkins, because we should carve jack o’ lanterns!”  We did, and when we lit them, she moved against me and put her head on my right shoulder while we sat in the dark.  I hoped that she couldn’t hear or feel my heart beating.  I’m sure that it was also racing visually through my neck.  She said, “This is nice,” and I said, “Yes, it is.”  She said, “I really like your voice.”  I wanted to sink through the bed.

We moved in together the following January.  We would lay on each other all of the time.  I never kissed her, but she always wanted to sleep in my little twin bed, so she did.  We got through that spring.  I stayed away–I went to college out-of-state–that summer and moved into my own mother-in-law apartment that I could afford and tended bar all summer.  She stopped living at the dorm the following fall; although, she had a new roommate and spent every night with me.  One night after we had practice for a musical that we were in, I took off her shirt, and as I traced her stomach and between her breasts, then she turned on her side and started kissing me.  We were together off and on and between her bfs for about 2.5-years.

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Slow and Easy

Who doesn’t want that?  I laid next to her on a futon last night while we watched an inane movie and I almost fell asleep.  I never felt like that with my ex, and by the time my partner of two-years and I would lay down to do something like that, I just wanted to finally be physical because I had 2-4 drinks in me.  This relationship has that good feel to it, but I will tell you that I have thoughts a lot when I’m listening to her breathe or sigh.

Now, I must be honest.  She was making jokes about an actresses’ breasts, and I wondered why she never feels me up?  That is usually something that happens pretty quickly with girls who I date, and they are usually shocked that my bras are not padded.  I have a flat stomach, which is certainly damaged by old scars, and no ass, but I do have a moderate rack, which women who I have been with have been really complimentary on while we cuddled or had sex.  Hmm…

I don’t put the moves on her, because I don’t feel like I have been given that cue at all.  I love hugging her though and do that all the time.  We kissed a lot last night, but did not make out.  She made a really tender and well-seasoned meatloaf and we had sandwiches, I assembled a salad and she quickly cut up cantaloupe, so the result was wonderful.  I’m glad that she can cook.

List of gratitude:

  1. Our frequent laughter
  2. The contrast of her her skin against mine
  3. The way that she smells
  4. How easy it is to be next to her after I’ve been there a little bit and have adjusted to her beauty
  5. Her hugs
  6. When she touches my face or lifts my chin and kisses me
  7. Her intelligence and the way that she makes literary or other movie analogies while we chat

I hope to see her soon.  I am going to text her tonight after I’m done with my supervision.  The only time that I have had something develop like this, I was 19-years-old.  I should tell that story from start to finish the next time I log in.  I will.  It started 20-years ago.

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Communication and “Stuff”

I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships.  However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well.  There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.

My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest.  It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway.  I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself.  I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.”  I digress.

To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.

My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend.  I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet.  I had left my cell in my car.  While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to  hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone.  I called the restaurant.  I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights.  She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.”  She is a big promiser.  It’s just her thing.

With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly.  For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July.  She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer.  That’s good.  Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking.  I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming.  I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.

In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too.  So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.”  All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general.  Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.”  I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on.  She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.

We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird.  She cussed and used exclamation points via text.  TRIGGER.  I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES.  I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair.  One time that I cancelled.  I’m not getting into that.  Space is better.

I can’t text fight.  I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points.  I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids.  These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012.  I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate.  I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her.  It was toxic.  (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house.  She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy.  I actually said, “I’m not ____ .”  I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)

I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house.  I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work.  After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked.  She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.”  I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.

I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves.  That is just me.  I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back.  When you run, those get really tight and defined.  I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy.  After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game.  We laughed hard.

Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach.  I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship.  I told her that I waited for her.  After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared.  She told me, which is good.  But what I don’t get is why it scared her.  She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.”  OK.  Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it.  OK.  She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating.  OK.  So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.

What was my result?  I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work.  So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike.  That helped.  Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more.  I just need to have this tough conversation.  It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment.  I don’t know how to have these conversations.  I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship.  My ex has fucked me up and I let her.

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Love and Gratitude

I am 39 today.  That seems like an important birthday.

I’m going to try to call her and see if my Dad will cook dinner for me.  He really wants me to see his old professor friend who is in town only tonight–this guy teaches at American.  I will make an effort to drive over there; although, I don’t have much gas and don’t know if I have any money in my account.  It would help me get my son fed too, and because my Dad is stable, and has been for four-years, my son has a wonderful relationship with him that I am glad to get to see.

My father called me twice yesterday when we were meeting with large team regarding a hold that was put on a child who was unsafe.  I had to work really late as a result, and my cold took over my body.  That meant that I had little energy, so I took my son out to eat quick Chinese and then we traipsed around a used book store that we like.  I’m still on the prowl for a Disney anthology from the early 60s that has an abstracted version of “Old Yeller” and “Toby Tyler” in it.  I couldn’t find it last night, and I still have no idea why my aunt won’t let me have the copy that I read all the time that my grandmother had.  Who knows?  Now, I still need to meet with my Boss (I was way too sick last night), as I was supposed to last night, but couldn’t because I felt really sick.  I need to get that scheduled in the next five days so I can keep up with my dissertation.

My artist is a good difference and contrast to any of these things.  My son embraced her so tightly in church on Sunday when he came back to us and left Sunday school.  I miss her.  I know that I saw her Sunday, but I really miss her and last Thursday was such a powerful date.

She has admitted to me that she has not made it 7-years with anyone.  I have not had anything approximating serious less those two different relationships that I had during the years of 2009 through 2012.  Those were short though.  Both were about two-years, but had break-ups in them, so they don’t feel sustained enough to actually call them longterm relationships.  I can’t imagine where I’ll be in 7-years.  I’m just setting weekly goals right now.

My goal today is to get ahold of her for a few minutes on the phone.  I’d like to ask a boring question regarding her custody arrangement with her little boys.  Mine is basic.  I have him always less every other weekend.  She knows that.  She also knows that I have love and gratitude for her.  I sent her a CD and wrote a love letter in it.  I didn’t say, “I love you,” because I want to say that someday in the future, in person and unplanned.  I did say many things that I love about who she is though.  I also wrote a paragraph about my gratitude for her opening this door for us, because I know that with a woman this beautiful, that I may have not been able to do so even with the knowledge that she is bi.  She was touched by the letter and CD.  I’m glad, because my workout partner cautioned against this effort and gesture.  I’m just doing what is in my heart right now, and following my passion.

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Truly new

My ex finally removed me (and for the fourth time) off of FB.  She also took off my cousin and my close friends.  I may at some point take off the three women from the bday trip that we took last fall, but it’s nice to know that she won’t look at anything related to me.  She didn’t block me this time around, but maybe she can leave it alone.  I hope that she does understand that you can’t treat anyone like complete shit and say horrible things to her and expect that you’ll be friends.  I have no interest in a big shot who thinks that she is better than everyone and really seems to have an entourage of minions.

So, I’m starting something new and it’s going slowly.  We cuddled in church–my son was in Sunday school–and then my son sat between us when he came out during prayers.  They are teaching him The Lord’s Prayer.  He had a workbook when he came out that my artist looked through.  She is so great with boys and has a way of listening to children that is enviable.  She’s kind and gentle in addition to being so striking.  She almost made me turn red saying something a little dirty to me, and then I was struck that she would make reference to something kinky in church.  I am going to have to get my brain around a lot of things before I make love to her.  She’s genuinely intimidating.

I don’t know when I’ll see her.  I don’t even want to go out of town to climb mountains this weekend for my birthday, because it has really gotten cold.  If I don’t have an audience in my office today, I’ll call the B & B over the lunch hour and ask how much snow they got.  I’d rather see my artist a couple of times, and write and clean.

That’s what I think happened.  I think that I got on top of some of the highest points in North America starting in July, and then I put out my intentions into the mountain air.  I also think that since February of 2012, when I kept saying that I wanted a kind and gentle girlfriend, that began what I would seek.  Should I read through previous entries, I know that there are other things that I put “out into the universe” as they say.  Now, I am scared and should have a friend say to me, “Be careful what you wish for.”

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Naked

I have to admit how scared I am.  I need to talk to her about it. Tomorrow may not be the best time, but maybe my son would play Wii or watch Netflix after church.  I will have to gamble with my heart…  Again.  I’ve done it twice.  I looked at her in 2005 and then touched her hand, and knew that I’d avoid her, but then we had to work together.  Here is what I wrote:

“Why did she fall into the chair next to mine in August of 2007?  Who knows…  Because our journey unfolds and we cannot effect or alter it.”

That ended so painfully.

I don’t even think that when I was in the throws of the aftermath mess of my ex that it remotely held a candle to that level of heartbreak that I felt in 2008.  I fell in love again four-years later after my fall of 2007.  That sitch was probably built on bullshit though, as I’m learning, but regardless I did love her very deeply.

Now, I’m at the door.  I very much want to throw it back.  I need to tell her that.  Can I tomorrow?

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Did I ever

It’s difficult to put into words; although, the words shall unfold as I write.  I went over with skewers of halibut buttressed between purple onions, zucchini, summer squash, and asparagus spears, and grilled caramelized apples with pineapple on the sweet skewers.  Then, of course, I made my salad.  She was simply thrilled with the food.  We talked easily and about everything, and then she looked over at me with her huge hazel eyes and said, “We have time, and when I’m with you, I want the time to slow and I just want you to know everything.  But, we really have all the time in the world.”  But, then the bomb in my soul dropped through when she said, “Two big things.  First, you know that I’m bi, right?”  I told her that until Saturday, I didn’t and that I would have been talking to her in an entirely different way had I known, and she threw back her head and laughed hard from her tummy.  I couldn’t have a table corner between us anymore.

She gave me the tour of her half of the converted school house that she lives in and I felt my body come alive on the deck.  So, we sat there in this ridiculous rain as she told me more of her story and we noticed the lines between the sides of the old school house, and she told me about the renovations.  I felt like being outside there with her was a gift, and we talked easily and openly about everything.  There was a simply huge sumac tree in front of our view separating the sides of the home–one side had industrial siding and the other was softer dark blue stucco, while much of our surroundings was natural.  We admired and looked at the end of her garden on one of the final days of summer, and took in the other trees in the background while we talked and I stroked her legs that she had laid across my lap.  We talked for an hour out there and then when she was completely vulnerable, I told her that I wanted so badly to just hold her, and not in a lawn chair.

We went into the largest room in the house and cuddled on the couch in front of the fire.  That is when awhile later she asked if I was going to kiss her.  My lips fit under hers and we have magical kissing.  After some heavy kissing wherein I kissed and bit her neck, and lay my mouth in the notch at the base of her throat, she laughed again and said, “We have sooooo much fun ahead of us.”  And we do.

I really did wait for her.  I know that we can start small and be mindful, but she is more than my girlfriend.  I waited and have found my one.

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Bam

I just don’t have those slow, organic developments.  I don’t.  Girls and I just tend to know what we would like.  The big difference now is that after the girl from last summer and I had our thing for a second in July of 2012, and then all her lies started unraveling, I realized that I need to know someone’s friends and they have to know mine before we hook up.  That was my mistake with her, but I also think that I didn’t feel that mutual chemical bam also means something.

My artist told me via email that the only time that she saw herself looking the way she does once before, as she in the picture that was snapped by one of my hs friends at the wedding Saturday.  It was apparently when she knew that she was in love with a man who she later married and had two kids with after she could no longer hide her affection for him.  Wow.  I haven’t ever been that flattered.

Now I’ve got two days to pretend like I can easily sleep and feel stable driving dinner over to her house.  She writes like I do.  She loves music and reading.  I think that I kinda could feel that.  I have obviously looked at and been impressed with her paintings, but when my workout partner asked what I wanted, I said, “I want to snuggle under a huge, fuzzy blanket and watch movies.”  That is how I feel about her.  She is so beautiful, and definitely funny and cracks jokes, but I just want some time to share with her.

I get that chance on Thursday.  I don’t want to ask stupid things like, “What are you looking for?”  I’d rather reflect on our energy.  There is a lot of sexual energy there, but I also liked when we were laughing and joking on the back deck too.  I didn’t think that this year would end with no connection, but I had no idea that it would end with a chance to quickly fall in love.  I am ever-amazed with the beauty and the seeming lack of predictability in life.  I’ll write again on Friday morning.

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You haven’t got it so figured out

I had a wonderful day Saturday completing the summit with the woman with whom I had an emotional affair.  She and I talked incredibly easy regardless of elevation gain, and she is the most suited climbing companion that I’ve ever had.  That’s sad.  We talked through the pointed flirtation at several intervals after the summit.  I held her twice when I dropped her off and told her that I wouldn’t mess with her and that she needs to get her shit together.  We are super compatible.  We talk, joke, laugh, are both inappropriate–especially in terms of our sense of humor, both love kids and working with them as our primary clients, we are both highly energetic, have good vocabularies and think that being outside and then following it up with a beers and a burger is one of the best things that there is.  We talked more about the lack of us on the way back down.  I told her that it didn’t matter how compatible we were, and if we made this–whatever-the-hell it is–into physical that it would not only be immoral, but it would wind up fucking both of us up big time and diminish the level of connection that we have and what could be.

Then, I came home and made a cool mountain album to put up on FB and got ready, because I was going to a wedding.  It was the coolest wedding that I had ever attended as well.  It’s not because the Governor officiated it, it was because it was short, sweet, simple, and outside the couple’s home with the block sectioned off so that street performers could perform and we could eat BBQ and drink microbrews.  There were probably 300 people there.  One of my best friends who is like a sister to me has a friend who is a talented artist.  I had been to one of her art shows last year.  I guess that she said to my friend, “Are you with ______ ?” and she said, “Don’t you think I would have told you if I started seeing a WOMAN?  No, we have been friends for years.”  She said, “Oh, well, I think she is really hot.”  That was so flattering.  She is magazine quality beautiful.  She pulled me out to dance, which I hate, but she eventually let me off the hook.

We didn’t flirt overtly or out-of-control, but we had an intensity.  One of my friends from high school who knows both the bride and groom as well asked me yesterday morning if this woman was in love with me.  I told her flatly and easily, “No, but I am not sure who I will wind up actually dating next.”  She texted more and eluded to the level of sexual chemistry that could be felt when we were sitting with each other.  So, what am I going to do?  I’m going to email her this morning.  She has four boys.  She is a talented artist.  She has had pain in her past.  She looks like the child of Jane Seymour and Audrey Hepburn, and it was highly flattering to have her express interest in me.  It made yesterday very interesting too!  At least I won’t skip any workouts anymore 😉

After my friend from the swings got out of church, she called me.  We had a wonderful and good conversation.  However, the breakup with her gf does not even approximate clean.  They did an open relationship before ending their relationship, and the woman with whom she had the polyamorous connection is now pursuing her exclusively, but indirectly has shared that she will likely sleep with her ex for always.  I haven’t been down that exact road, but I know that I am not cut out for open.  I like stability in relationship and not wondering why I don’t give someone enough.  I’m smart enough and have been in enough classes to understand that sexual experiences and intimacy vary for everyone, but when she said, “We will have to be different now,” I did tell her “I don’t think that is possible.  You started off with only a sexual foundation and found each other seeking an open experience.  Also, the intention that you put out in the universe was that you a wanted polyamorous connection.  That was your intention.  I don’t think that it can convert.”

The sad thing is that this girl wants to continue an intense relationship with her ex.  My friend is done with her ex.  For right now, I’m done thinking about my friend in any other way than that she needs good friends, who like my climbing partner from Saturday, does not need to be fucked with visa vi a potential love interest.  She has a load of stuff to figure out completely independent of me.  Her mother and mother’s bf loved me.  I’m pretty good with parents in general, and it was nice to meet her mother finally and be part of their home.  I am going to write a Thank You Note to send this am after I have woken up with my coffee.

I can’t believe the wrinkles that get thrown up.  I kept saying that I would prefer not to date another mother if I didn’t have to.  I get that you choose who you date.  But, honestly being on the receiving end of that much attention from a completely beautiful woman was encouraging.  I’m going to email her and I would like to bring her dinner one evening next week before I leave town for my bday.  She doesn’t drink at all, which would probably be a good break for me too.  I am very much looking forward to seeing what is there.

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Hold the phone

I spent time on the swings last March with a beautiful woman.  The activity was sweet and innocent and lovely.  It was such a contrast to things that my ex and I would do.  You know walk her sweet dog while she screamed at her.  Anyway, that whole Sunday fucked me up.  I thought she was beautiful when I met her nine-months earlier, and then time with her was just so easy and she is so good with my son.  She wants kids.  She is four-years younger than me.  Perfect.  I also am very close with one of her best friends from hs, so my knowing her for 15-mos feels like longer.

She is coming over on Sunday.  She is coming over being newly single on Sunday.  I can’t wait to hug her and have dinner and conversation.  I want to get to know her better.  When she came to my church when I spoke, I was so excited.  I thanked her over and over.  I think that she is interested in going to church with me too.  I suppose given that she has spent time with my son, and the fact that I know that she will need some time to get through her relationship ending, it’s probably ok that she continues to spend some time with my son.  I have a natural barrier with that next weekend because we are in the mountains in a cabin with friends next weekend.  I’m just so excited.  It makes Saturday a walk in the park…  Or up a mountain.

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Tests

I had decided that because the woman who I’d met was flirting with me openly on FB, I’d ask her for a drink.  Just a drink too, because I think that she is mostly a jock and I don’t know except for loving Ani, if we have a single thing in common, but I did it.  I was a little pissed that I didn’t hear from her for a day and some change.  Last night we talked about the quality of one of the mountains that she had done.  (I’d done it this past July.)  When I met her at the end of July, she was on again off again with her ex, which I have certainly done, and now she is dating someone new who she had just climbed a mountain with this weekend.  Wow.

I moved that fast once.  I didn’t want to be with my partner anymore after the Christmas of 2010.  She drank the entire time, refused to have sex with me, and had an episode of PTSD, which I had to piece together slowly over the course of the next three-months because she kept her military history from me.  Instead of flatly putting my foot down, I flew several more times to see her.  I almost didn’t go to my bday trip two years ago, but ultimately I did, and it was scary at times.  I figured that I owed her a f2f breakup convo.  You really don’t owe anybody anything.  I know that now.

Sure, I met my ex three-weeks later.  Of course, I was clouded.  She seemed so different than my ex-partner.  I jumped into an intense relationship.  The most intense that I had ever had, which included my kid, because I loved her kid.  Too much too soon is what they say, and that is what we never recovered from, and I know that now.

It had been about six-weeks since I slept with her the summer of 2012.  This other woman was old school pursuing me.  The whole thing.  Flowers.  “How are you” texts.  She laid across my legs one night and I got up.  I didn’t ever want to sleep with her.  I got loaded at karaoke one night and had hung out with her for 6-weeks solid, and when she knew all of the lyrics to every song including shit kickin’ ones, I decided that I would sleep with her.  So, I did that night.  In the morning, I told her that it was a one time thing.  I didn’t even have a dopamine hit that was required for feelings, namely because she didn’t kiss worth shit, and physically, she had one good feature.  She is tiny like a kid is, and doesn’t even weigh 100.  She is silly.  When she started dropping bombs that next week about what she really did for a living and analyzing how I live my life, so I bounced.  When I talked to her a few weeks ago via text, I found out that she is in school to finish.  That’s good, but it’s independent of me.

What this woman who I had an emotional affair with is doing with her life is also independent of me.  I hope that she hates dogs.  That will be the only companion who I have when I spend 10-hours with her on Saturday.  I wanted a buffer in the mountain woman.  I only asked her for a beer so I could look like someone who dates.  I don’t date anymore.  It will be 9-months for anything physical for me in twelve days.  Now, I will be tested with an unhappily married woman.

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The long haul

On Sunday, I was sitting in the pew with the woman who I had the two-day emotional affair wherein one of the men who had been out at a church fundraiser the night before came over.  I apologized for teasing his friend what was then, last night.  He said, “Oh, you mean my wife?  No problem.”  I asked how long they had been married and he said, “Sixteen-years.”  The women who I was sitting with and I reacted as if we were impressed with the number.  After reflecting this morning, I realized that had I stayed in the land of repression and just accepted that I was married to a friend who really didn’t have an ounce of ambition, I would have been married for 15-years this fall, and I’m way younger than this man.

I made it nine-years.  I got tired of being breadwinner, motivator, and not being allowed to do things that I wanted to do because he wanted to sit around and do very little.  One time he didn’t work for eight-months and didn’t make a single meal, but managed to cut down the apple tree that was next to the Master bedroom.  You don’t need my degree to figure that one out.

I think that everyone wants someone who is a good companion to him or her.  I think, too, that everyone would like to have arms wrapped around them in passion or simply in warm exchange.  I don’t think that those aspects in a love relationship are too much to ask either, but I think that when the foundation was shaky or simply only built on sex, that it tends to fade off, and then you notice chewing with mouth open, or that you don’t help with dishes after dinner, etc.

I have a host of habits that I think some of which have changed that annoyed my ex.  She is a neat freak, so she cleans stuff up in fervor.  One time her pitching everything out included my favorite stocking cap that I eventually found buried in her garbage.  I thought that my son threw it out.  Then, because it had only been just under three-months, I began to note the bulldozer of disposal that ensued when she didn’t have house guests any longer.  It was like ridding herself of others.  She also didn’t like that sometimes I get excited when people share a story and I either punctuate it or ask questions that can change what is being told.

My ex called me in July and I listened passively.  When there was a really long pause I said, “That’s funny.”  I do think that a good outcome is that I listen more fully, and with the exception of my workout partner, I don’t punctuate convo anymore.  I guess it’s rude.  She actually just says the same things all the time, and they are devoid of emotion, “Good job,” and “Way to go,” are really the only things that she says in affirmation.

I would have grown really tired of my imperfections and quirks being thrown in my face and being so religiously criticized.  I don’t miss her at all.  We don’t have similar views on much of anything.

Now, I’m left with very few choices, so I require a new pool.  I don’t want someone morally compromised, I don’t want to sleep with a liar, and I don’t want to chase either.  I asked out a mother last month, and I asked out a girl that I met on an outing on Meetup too.  Both expect me to pursue and not just ask out and then see.  That is not my thing.  I like the one-on-one connected conversation over a beer or on a hike.  I don’t want to chase in hopes of something developing, because it’s not me.  Something will happen when it’s meant to, and it will be something that is meant to last.

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Women

It has been a long, long time.  I’ve gone slightly longer one time, and hope not to go again.  I’ve had these moments seeing calves, the backs of arms, the swell of the top of an ass in a skirt, or the nape of the neck wherein I am barely able to not run my finger tips across the skin.  Because it is not connected to a particular person, but is what happens visually when some women walk by, it’s a bit objectifying.  I really love everything about women’s bodies.

Our site coordinator on my Wednesday gig is a guy.  He is brilliant and hilarious.  I had a pretty good day, but can’t wait to be able to do things as a team, because both of the other women on it who are still there from last year are completely cool and talented.  We have an intern as well, but I don’t know her well yet.

Last night, the girl who I had a two-day completely emotional affair with emailed me.  I’m more inclined to develop a purely professional relationship with her and see if she can get hired where I work as she is a mental health provider too, and where she works doesn’t pay shit and requires waaaay more hours.  Last night she said that she sent me a non-professional and light email.  The only thing is that it had sexual content.  Not from her, but from what one of the really talented male musicians was pretending to do to her.  Gay males I know are shameless.  Not shocking.  Then I do note that I have  response, which I thinly veil as saying that I just need to date a reasonable girl or that I wish I could just stomach sleeping with Peter Pan.

I can’t.  I was never attracted to her.  She would, but most of me wants to just hold out for something good.  I am going to grab a couple of beverages tonight, because I have a driver.  My former intern and my workout partner are coming over tonight and wanted to make me dinner.  I want to get back to my house by 10:30, so I’m refusing to let them cook.  One time we ate at nine when they did.

I’m climbing with my intern from two years ago tomorrow morning.  Then I’m taking my cycling partner out for her birthday, which was actually at the beginning of the month.  I have to be at church for a long time on Sunday, and then I can clean, weed, and write.  I want to ensure that I have a dinner companion on Sunday, and if I don’t, I have been thinking lately about kicking around the bookstore near downtown by one of the high schools.  I know that I need to be more visible.  You hardly are when you’re on a trail ascending a peak.

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Approach

You have to approach a summit with care and planning.  Further, you have to recognize where you were and how far that you’ve come when you climb a mountain or simply make changes in your life.

I did a hike with one of my friends yesterday that I had not done in 5-years, and it is funny that I remember the last legs of it being very different than it was.  Some of it could be in part due to the fact that I did my first summit alone.  But, who really knows why it was so different yesterday than my memory of it was. Is it because I know how to watch and go forward with planning of my next steps?  Is it because it was my first and I’ve done 13 others now?  Is it because it’s just not all that scary and I’ve gotten accustomed to making summits? I don’t know. The metaphor is good though. I certainly haven’t always been careful or have I planned everything.

I know now what I seek, based on where I’ve been, and I’m good enough on my own not to engage in something that will yield nothing for me or my son.  I realize that is a selfish interest, but I try each day to give back and approach with good will everyone who I run into so as to share the gifts that I have, and express my gratitude.

I was sitting in a salon that is new to me to get an expensive as hell haircut last Tuesday night.  I was a little tired, and the new gay male stylist (new to me!) was running late.  I didn’t want to read the article that I knew I’d have to put in my proposal by three the next day, so I was half-heartedly looking at magazines on the table next to me but had not picked up any of them.  I saw a thick dining guide for our city and the neighboring university town.  I thought of my ex partner. She abuses alcohol, but when she is not drinking or just having one or two, she is the best companion over a meal or walking around looking at art. So?  I snapped a shot of the magazine cover and emailed her.  In it told her that when I see things like that, I miss her tons.  She didn’t get back to me until a day later, but we had an authentic, well-connected, and warm series of interactions.  I think that she is still in love with me.  Although, I was never actually in love with her, I love her like a friend and still do, but I wouldn’t want to ever get involved with a woman who is addicted to anything.

That’s a lesson yielded from this now 6-year journey of being single. There are times when you just need to push through lots of pain and there are times when you just need to sit and wonder.  I’ve had little hook-ups or stints that yielded nothing but that it is possible to eventually be able to have an orgasm from someone other than who you thought was the love or your life, and it’s good to learn to make red enchillada sauce from scratch.

There may be some things that you engage in too, that don’t yield much of anything. I just am.  I know that I will have a more complete family some time in the future.  I love yesterday and am grateful for climbing, connection, loving interactions with my son, and hearing him say to one of his good friends two Moms, “We are all going out then as a family.”  That innocence and pure love makes me hopeful for what the next legs of this journey shall bring.

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Weeding out

I sure am good at that!  I guess since I got so overextended for a couple of days, I had a small delusion that when this girl could get all her shit figured out and learn to parent on her own for some time that maybe we could date.  We exchanged some emails yesterday and I realized that we are on different planes of existence right now.  Plus, her kids are much like the kids who I work with, and not to sound like my most recent ex, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to expose my son to stuff like that.  She also told me a drunken story that happened this summer, and because of my old partner who moved, that is another thing that I would never expose my son and not myself to either.  I love microbrews because they taste great, and being a cook, I have a discerning palate so have beer preferences.  (I CANNOT drink the dog shit beers that my cousin does, for example.)  But, getting plowed is not something that I ever did much–unless, I was in a dark space.  So, again, no thanks.

So, no more flirting.  That is good anyway, because I’m not much of a cheater, which is kinda weird considering that I was married to a man for 9-years, but it usually just translated into my feeling an attraction toward a woman, and then avoiding her as if there was something bad that happened.  Well, there was.  I was plagued with my internalized homophobia being around her.  It’s not that I feel like I am above anything, because obviously I am not, which is evidenced by my letting inane flirtation just go and then wind up talking about sexual practices and other things, but I don’t want to invite in interactions that are 1) pointless, and 2) delays authentic interactions.  I don’t want complicated or someone who complicates things because of a variety of circumstances in her life.

I defend (initially) on Wednesday.  Therefore, I write all day today and have to make the observation rubric for my research as well.  I have feedback on it from my chair, but my other committee member must just be ready to give me my feedback during the defense.  That’s kinda scary, and I will only have four-days to make the revisions.  It’s just going to be a very busy week for me.  My poor son is not going to get much interaction from me this month, but then it will calm down.  Ultimately, given the shitty state of our economy, I will be lucky to have this particular degree completed so I can do side work that is pretty lucrative.  I’m waiting on a high-paying tutoring client as well to call me this weekend, so I will have weekly work for grocery money and such.

I have a new love.  My workout partner has been boxing in August.  She took me to a boxing class.  We did really fast-paced cardio stuff for some time and then different patterns that switched up all the time with punches and dodges.  It was amazing.  I have a membership to our regional and local centers, so I just googled which center has a boxing class.  I talked to the gentleman manning the desk and he found a class that works with my schedule twice a month!  So, Monday I go, and still have 40-minutes to get to work.  And it’s a ladies class 😉  I’m still holding out.  I’m picky, looking for both connection and passion, but given what I went through with my most recent ex, I also crave stable.  She’s out there.

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Sin

Now, I guess that I’m having an emotional affair.  Tuesday was weird because I was excited to get to see my son after I walked my dog, but he was pissy for a good twenty-minutes having been with his Dad for a long time.  I won’t get a normal schedule back with him for ten more days either.  This time is hard during his school year.  We fixed it all and had a good night.

Then, my ex has been doing things that I can construe as trashy.  She is having some kind of relationship with my cousin and apparently will also do so with my cousin’s kids.  When I confronted her about it via text, she sent me bizarre messages about how my cousin wants a friendship with her, but my cousin told me that my ex wants to have her as a friend.  So?  Let them both have some fucked up friendship.  It makes no sense to me, but I don’t need it to.  Now, I tend to think that my ex invites in fights and friction and what she always calls “tumultuousness.”  So, go do that.  I guess you need family members of your ex to do that, so knock yourself out.  I put nails in a coffin with that weirdness.

But, the messed up stuff is that the singer and I chatted nearly all Tuesday night.  About everything too.  I am almost 39-years-old and I have started an emotional affair.  There is this singer who I know, who has been flirting with me significantly for awhile.  She had talked about how gorgeous my son was at the end of June, and also then told me that he was my spitting image.  I skirted it pretty well.  I was in a low, low place on Tuesday.  It took 20-minutes to reconnect well with my son, I realized that my ex has serious problems that materialize anywhere that she feels that she can have some control over me, and this singer sent me the emoticon with the tongue out after I dropped off my son.  I said, “What is that for?”  And she said, “Because I can.”  And I said, “That is double entendre.”  And she said, “Absolutely!”  It was downhill from there.  And it was fervent and hot.  The interactions were all text, and the amount of time was nearly 3-hours.  I have no idea how she got away from her kids that long.  And her PARTNER.

I felt badly about it.  I know that she did too.  I don’t know.  Honestly, I can’t believe that I engaged in any of that shit.  I told her all kinds of things and she certainly did so with me.  It was a like a breaking point that began from the time that she and I first talked in February.  I knew that she was flirting with me, but it was odd, because I wouldn’t reciprocate.  I’m not even sure what the breaking point was for me.  I could feel something with her, but then at the end of June, I just knew that it was dangerous chemistry that I wanted to avoid.

Why didn’t I avoid it on Tuesday night?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I can’t believe that I engaged in this kind of talk with a woman in a partnership.  I can’t think of a single thing that I didn’t talk to her about too, and it’s all inappropriate.  She is in a sexless, loveless partnership.  I am so single that I can’t believe it.  Ultimately, we have the fucked up timing.  She is a music afficionada who loves family, and being outside.  Fuck me.  I don’t get it.

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And I can be taught!

I want to meet up with one of my friend’s best friends, but she is another mother (dammit) so that makes scheduling a complete nightmare.  I want to grab a couple of beers with her and sit across the table with her and if I can feel it, I want to go on a long hike with her, and then, we shall see.  I love sequences and rules.  I have arrived at what will work for me, and know that these kind of things don’t work for everybody, but I wanted to write about what I have learned.

My new set came about in 2010 when I started having SERIOUS reservations about going exclusive with the girl I met in the bar in 2009 who turned out to be a complete alcoholic.  I kept asking her if she really believed that your FB or one-night stand could actually become your gf?  Maybe for a lot of girls, the answer is “Yes,” but mine filled me with such caution and I guess that I never fully believed if she had not moved that she would have kept our psuedo relationship open, and including the bi-curious str8 girl who she worked with.  I knew, definitively, that we would never be long-termers when my son and I tried to spend two weeks with her over Christmas.  At that point, I told my best friend from grad school that she and I just couldn’t ever be compatible.  The catches with her were the trips and plane tickets already bought and paid for in 2011.  I kept seeing her, and knew that I shouldn’t.  I talked to her about our shelf life all the time too, but that was dangerous to do with a drunk.

I realized that the way that you start out with a girl really does matter.  This particular ex used to tell me all the time, “Don’t fall in love with me,” and I never did.  I did begin to love her, but I feel love toward good friends as well.  It was terrible that she fell in love with me, because then she told me that I was her key to a stable and full life.  At that point, I was beginning my personal financial issues, and associated problems so she told me everything that I wanted to hear.  I was convinced.  For a time period anyway.

Now, I know, Lesson #1 The way that you begin a relationship, will be the way that the relationship ends

When I turned 37, I was so glad to be completely free of her, and had a plan when I would fly in October to the state where she now lived, and was thrilled that my best friend from grad school would pick me up.  I was on top of the world late that September.  So wonderful was it to be completely single, and I also found a church that I love and continue to go to. I figured that my next gf would grow from connections with those in my church community; however, upon reflecting on that idea, I realize that the congregation is too much older than me, and is also full of gay men, so that’s pretty unlikely.  I never expected to go to a BBQ and meet my most recent ex’s best friend.  It had only been about ten-days since I last slept with my ex when I exchanged emails with my most recent ex.  Honestly, I had sex several times with the drunk because I am pragmatic, and I figured that I would enter a long dry spell.  It turned out to be no dry spell and insta-relationship.  She seemed so different than the drunk that it just “felt right,” and as a consequence, I learned another big lesson.

Lesson #2 No matter how right a girl feels, you need to know her and hang out for awhile before sex

And after all, she is a top sales and marketing professional.  Those kind of folks live and breathe “closing deals,” “showing a side that appeals to others,” and “talking in ways that ignite emotions.”  All of it is a sales pitch, and does not have a shred of truth or authenticity.  I only wish that I had seen her talk to her employees prior to us sleeping together for a month!  That would have ended any amorous feelings that I had for her prior to the dopamine hits and the elixir of passion, which do highjack anyone’s mind.

My most recent ex was also the complete master of make-up / break-up.  She could do it so much better than anyone in the world, actually.  I don’t think that I will ever have another girl who I am interested in do push and pull so well.  So when this tiny girl reached across the guy that I was talking to at a friend’s going-away, I was given some pause.  This girl was INTO me.  That never changed and had not changed five-months ago when she called me and wanted to see me.

So we hung out for five-weeks.  I made her meals, bought her beers, talked and complained about my ex (who I was still very much in love with at the time), we climbed a mountain once, and talked to on the phone as well.  We dated for a little bit after I got drunk one night and was taken with how she knew word-for-word all the lyrics to any song at a karaoke joint.  I do like smart.  However, as her lies were being slowly revealed and she felt guilty about them, I began to see who she really was.  Actually, I think that she realized that I was back at work and that, then, she should be going back to work, but would not be doing so and I would be onto her games, so she just had to tell me.  I had arrived at my final lesson before 40 that I follow to this day.

Lesson #3 We need to hang out with each other’s friends

I want to know your friends, and you need to see the level of support and care that I provide to mine.  I love my friends, and am honestly one of those people who does everything for them.  I love connecting over music and food and going on outdoor adventures.  I laugh hard with my friends all the time and would have been a mess during this very long dry spell without their support as well.  They are honestly my family, and even when we disagree, we can move through conflict well and still have each other’s backs.

So, we shall see if we meet for beers.  I would like to start slowly and mindfully.  I met her in June, and have heard about her for over a year.  I know her best friend, and do outdoor stuff with her best friend’s partner who I adore.  It would be really simple for me to host a patio party in the next few weeks and have them and other friends at the party.  I can follow my rules

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Chemistry vs Compatibility

One time I saw a girl in a bar and we locked eyes and a killer, but unmistakable I-don’t-care-that-all-I-am-is-trouble smile spread across her face.  Having told my buddy that night who is now my roommate that my intention was to have a one-night stand, I was very glad to have had that greeting when she walked in.  That is chemistry.  I’m actually very adept at talking to a girl and knowing if we will have excellent sex.  I guess that when I don’t feel it, I don’t try, but I know when it will be sparks and fireworks.

You can’t really confuse sexual chemistry with long-term qualities though.  If you don’t have similar values and interests, you can actually wind up only really connecting in the bedroom.  I was talking to a friend on the phone today and told her that how you show up in the world also has much bearing on how long you can comfortably date another person.  I guess that as I begin my new round of screening with girls, I need to remember who I am.

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Not a shadow me

  1. I had a very odd dream last night. I had to go to the dermatologist, mainly because I had to use a restroom, and when I came into the office the girl (Derm) was intensely looking at me. You know that eye contact thing that means, “Hey, you are hot or otherwise intriguing.” My son had dropped some book pages in the gutter, so I was rounding them up, and then I found a way to rebind them and order the missing pages. So, I brought them into the doctor’s office so I could chat with her. She was not my type, but as my intern who had dinner at my house rather accurately said, “Some attention is good attention.” It is.

She put the newly made books on her shelf in the waiting room. She told me that she also had a DC license for chiropractic. I liked that she was smart. I think she was Peter Pan.

What if Peter Pan had been a doctor? I think that it would have helped. I don’t like being lied to about anything, and I really found it distasteful that she just let a lie run until way after she had slept with me a bunch of times. In general too, regardless of anything, when there is no magic and spark in a kiss, it doesn’t float my boat.

Scrubs reappeared. I guess we’ll ride bikes on Friday. I asked my intern if I should just do her. I don’t really want to though, and with over seven-months under my belt, no sex is well-practiced (sadly). She honestly has huge teeth and no upper lip. I think that it would be unpleasant to kiss her.

One of the women from the outing on Sunday and I have texted a little. We are in very different places in life. She is a couple of weeks younger than Scrubs, but the latter has a little kid like I do. This woman has a raised kid, a 14-year-old, and an 18-year-old and said that she is looking forward to having both of her kids out. We are just in too different places. Also, she mostly talks about sports and outdoor adventures. I’m a little arty and love music. I also used to read all of the time (pre-dissertation) and I love to write. So, I don’t really want a jock. I like other stuff too much. I also think that she is clearly in a different life space than I am.

Taking the boys hiking today to a real fire lookout. They should be stoked. I have to stop writing now and make a quiche. (I don’t buy piecrust.) I have exactly 6-days of my vacation left, but this year will be way less working. Years seem to go by fast right now. I don’t want to engage in things that make my time spent less valuable. I plan on a good hike and connected evening.

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Gearing up

I’ve been climbing mountains with my time.  Now, I have to write all day and don’t know if I can join my workout partner at a fitness festival tomorrow morning, because my son has been really tired.  I don’t think that I should get him up around sunrise on a Saturday.  I can watch them, but seven-year-olds really need their sleep.

Because I have wanted to feel connected to nature, I have seen a few sunrises far from home in the last three weeks.  Additionally, I walked around the peaks of two new mountains for me, and one of which is the highest point in our state.  Also, I went back up to peaks that I had previously climbed which are adjacent.  I had done one first in 2009, and then repeated it with both of the peaks being summited in 2010, so it was cool to go back up with one of the newer friends who I have.  You really bond on a climb, and we did.  Here is how my views have been as of late:

Taking a picture doesn't really do this kind of scenery justice

Taking a picture doesn’t really do this kind of scenery justice

I am going to meet 11 new girls on Sunday.  When I was first out of my str8 marriage, I hiked with my son with some of those groups and then last summer I played kickball.  I didn’t meet anyone of lasting interest and the latter caused my to blow my right quad, which I still have some issues with when I climb or walk long distances.  (I just couldn’t NOT kick the hardest pitches from a frat boy type of asshole, so I paid.)  However, I am hopeful that this group will yield some new people to hang out with for my last few days of vacation and into my fall.

My workout partner met one of my guy friends last week.  We had a lil’ BBQ and drinks on my back patio.  She is going out on a date with him tonight.  I am also orchestrating at least one, if not two, other meet and greets with guys who I know over the next several weeks.  She had a shitty experience with a guy from our gym–he is super hot, but is a drunk–and then a very scary thing happen early in the summer with one of our colleagues.  I guess some of these meetings; although, she asked to meet my guy friends, are like big sister protection.

My ex called me early last week, and it was very odd.  She said that she wanted to know how my summer was going and then she told me about a prank that she played on her friends.  I would never do something that could potentially scare someone as a joke.  I crack them all the time, but they are never at someone’s expense unless I really have that dynamic with someone who also teases me.  I also don’t make scenes, because I don’t like directed attention unless I am speaking for my profession, but then there is that “professional distance.”  I had been introduced to my ex via an old colleague who knew my ex’s best friend.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday and I said, “I guess she wants to be my friend.”  She said quickly, “______ , she doesn’t want to be your friend.  She is obsessed with the way that things were left and that there is someone in this world who does not have a favorable impression of her.”

That was interesting.  How can you think that if you are literally constantly giving negative feedback to your girlfriend or making slights and underhanded comments to her that you will leave it well?  Are you kidding?  When I was talking to my colleague, I told her that there was nothing that I could do well either, and she would always tell me how she was good at the same things or the best at them.  Now, I do get that her athletic abilities will always surpass mine, but I don’t care.  I don’t compete against anyone, and simply want to fit my sense of things, and I don’t have standards that require me to take chances.  I have turned around without making a summit four times in five-years, and walked around several obstacles at both of my adventure races.  I don’t have a sense of myself which requires me to prove anything.  I also don’t control anyone.  I don’t have that need.

Impressions that you give others result from your interactions.  With distance, I get that had I stayed with my ex that all my behaviors would have been attempted to be controlled and that if I did something, she would have to do it better.  In fact, there were things that she simply wouldn’t try, because she didn’t do them perfectly.  Last year my birthday trip required about a mile-and-a-half of steep hiking.  I climb up four to ten times that amount of distance and at much more pronounced levels of elevation gain as a hobby, so it felt like nothing even with camping gear.  One of her friends said, “Wow, ______ , you are just bombing up there.”  It was only until recently that I realized that is probably why she flatly refused to hike with me, and that is because it’s something that I do more, so I can do it.  Wow.

She can call me.  I’ll probably answer her calls if I’m not doing anything.  I won’t call her.  I won’t interact with her by choice either.  I made my peace with thanking her for the four things that she imparted to me.  I will not romanticize what is only a good show that lasted three-months and then the year-long fallout, which resulted as I actually began to know who she was and how she shows up in the world.

I can be persnickety.  I am not overly friendly with new people; although, I am helpful.  Even as an extrovert, I watch and observe before I make decisions.  I also like things that I do a certain way–especially food.  There have been times in my life that I have been attracted to toxic people.  They will join with you when you are feeling badly, but now I want to seek out positive interactions.  I don’t want to be around any poison.  I am looking forward to meeting some positive girls tomorrow and connecting to new people in a slow, organic way.  I’m done with extremity and fervor.

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Complimentary Set

For years, I would say, “Everyone has baggage, but the art of relationship is finding your matching set.”  However, now that I’m pushing 40, it’s not really a “matching set” per se, but it’s complementary pairing.  Sounds easy, but after you’ve had several dating experiences, you can see that it is not as simple as it sounds.

These go together

These go together

Given the imperfections and, in fact, rather annoying things that all of us tend to do, it’s exceptional when those flaws are not “deal breakers.”  Some things just simply go fine together.  Other things cause sparks and friction like you wouldn’t believe.  Actually, I think that you do (probably) believe it or have experienced it.

I tend toward odd worries and don’t always trust that things will eventually work themselves out.  I also put up with far too much for too long, because I figure, relationships are hard.  Accepting my journey has helped.

I think that there is a complimentary set for most of us.  I also think that we tend to seek out qualities that are either part of us, or those that we have somewhere deep in the recesses of what is our true selves.  Even when a relationship ends, we can reflect on what changed for us, note growth, and learn to seek again what made us stay or alter the way in which we see things.

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Connection

To really connect is to be vulnerable and say it.  This concept does not mean that you tear somebody down, criticize, or make comments that are really designed either to 1) hurt, or 2) offer no way to have conversation.  I realize that I was caught up in a really good sales pitch for awhile, and it had nothing to do with actually knowing me.  Because I really wanted to work on it and push through, and because the intimacy was so hot, and well, intimate, I let myself be a doormat.  It was a wonderful experience, because it has brought me to where I am, and that is not dating again.

I could have slept with Scrubs.  I think that she likes flings.  I don’t, because they don’t personally work for me, and I’m seeking connection.  I could have been flirtatious with either one of one the girls who I met through the girl from the interior design store.  Having mentioned that, it’s also accurate that I could have picked up on her advances and could have said, “I’ll wait until you breakup with your partner.”  No thanks.  I suppose that many would have gotten a charge that she is 13.5-years younger than I am. That was some good non-dating information though, because it likely means that younger girls are into me.  If she was a totally different type of girl, meaning that she was mature, and stable, I would consider that after a long period of getting-to-know-you, because I probably don’t have any business carrying another kid, but I’d love one.

The girl from church, not Church Girl, but the one with the partner and kids has stopped flirting with me, I think.  She explained that she has cheated in every relationship that she has been in and won’t again, but that sounds like an interesting way to put it.  I told her that I had never cheated and that I would not start now.  One it isn’t something that wouldn’t haunt me, and two you’d break hearts.  I’m not that girl.

My sermon moved people.  I had people come up to me and cry in my arms.  I have a viral FB Wall and status where I wrote thanks.  I know that many will watch the YouTube recording too, and I decided to connect intimately with my church community when I spoke.  It was from the heart and was completely honest.  Although, it’s really easy for me to speak in public, and I do share personal experiences interacting with children and families, I have never told the story that I did from start to finish, and I know that no one ever heard it in that fashion because I have never even told my therapist.  It was good for me to personally connect with my audience, which included my own cousin who knew my brother well, and it helped me on my path of growth.

I don’t believe in doing anything without passion.  I now don’t believe in doing something in which you can’t really connect with another person.  That is why empty sex is not going to work for me anymore.  I don’t think that my process or opinion has any bearing on what other people should do, but I know where I am, and where I am going.

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Contemplation

It’s good.  It took nearly seven-months, but I am really over my ex and don’t want to seek out anything at all.  My workout partner asked if she knows that my sermon is tomorrow.  I said, “I think so.”  I would be really shocked if she came.  It’s too vulnerable for her to do so, and I’m sure that she knows that many of my good friends will be there.  It’s also not on her terms or is it something that she can control.  She started our relationship with a power differential based on a phrase in an email that wasn’t there.  So, she would make mean or simply teasingly sarcastic comments about it and who it made me out to be, so when I finally fell out of love with her, that kind of stuff was all that remained.

We had a handful of fun and funny moments and that was it.  She doesn’t even make me laugh when we do talk now, and things that I have written about her or even to her involved an energy shift that made it so I could detail why we just didn’t work and don’t show up the same in this world.  I don’t want to control or criticize anyone, and I don’t care who does something better than me.  Talents and strengths are as individual as anything else that make up a human.

I have gone over my sermon about five-times.  Tomorrow morning, I need to sit with the guy who does all the visuals for the service so I can underline my cues in my script that I wrote.  I don’t want to have a missed cue for him.  I added a picture of my brother to the slides yesterday, so I already feel badly about changing that.  It’s one that should be there though, because he is standing alone on a porch and looks contemplative.

The only thing that I’d really like to ensure before Boot Camp today is to have what I’m going to say after the pop song is sung is completely memorized.  I don’t want to have my notes around for that.  I’d rather just take them up when I start my message.  It’s not much information and I added some stuff that is more mindful than it is religious to mine.  I will just get that committed to memory, so I can look at the congregation while I say it.  I think that I don’t really look too much at my notes anyway while I’m speaking, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

A friend of mine from church who is transgendered and I met at a park n ride in the foothills before sunrise on Wednesday morning.  It was obvious when we got close to the trailhead that we 1) travel well together, and 2) are probably going to be friends.  We couldn’t find the road to get to the trail.  I think that it turned out that we didn’t drive far enough west initially, but she knew the roads fairly well there, so we started bumping around forrest roads until we ran into a locked gate.  We got out and hiked the forrest road and shortly thereafter found a tree over the road.  That explained the gate.

After a few miles, we found the section of the trail system, which connects the mountain ranges in our state with over 500-miles of trails.  Someday it would be neat to backpack and camp sections of it with my son.  I’d like that.  It was good to be on trail, but it was steep.  Finally after some huge grade scaling, we saw a sign that said the mountain name on it with the height and pointed a directional arrow.  We embraced.  We wound up summiting three times total, because we hiked the south ridge line and some loose scree drove me nuts and caused me to cancel my rock climbing lesson.  I just think that I’m less of a climber, because I’m not an extreme person.  The summit was beautiful.  My friend is a professional photographer, so she posted incredible pictures.

That’s where I am.  I get there, but I don’t often follow the trail and there are times in which I simply can’t find it.  It doesn’t matter, because it’s those bumps that really involve the learning and confidence-building for me.

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More danger

There is something so scary when a woman who you enjoy talking to, and have lots of things in common with, tells you all about her horrible relationship with her partner.  It gets more terrible when you realize that the conversation chemistry that you’ve always known that you’ve had is real chemistry too.  Dammit.

Why do you marry when you don’t have passion?  Why do you raise kids with a woman who is dissimilar to you?  I don’t understand.  I’m holding out for someone who is a companion, but sometimes, even a few years down the road, with enough laughter and novelty, I just want to, and make a plan to later after kids are sleep, to tear off her clothes.

She was also talking about how beautiful my son is.  I told her that I really appreciated her saying that.  She said, “Sometimes, I just keep staring at him.  He is gorgeous.”  I thanked her again, and then she said, “Well, ______ , he looks exactly like you.”  Had to look away on that one.

Seems like I am overly adept at eliminating contact with people.  When did I just start putting out the “I am your rebound girl,” vibe?  That’s not me.  I want a girl to want to be with me, not want to leave her girl or cheat.  That’s sucky.  After I walk my dog with my friend, I am going to go out.  I need to meet some girls to hike and bike with who are not in a relationship.

I just want to make some new connections.  Exciting companionship opportunities must be around the corner for me.  There is an energy shifting, and I’m open to seeing what it means.

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Working

I have been working way too much this week.  It will reach 60-hours.  I finish up my class on Sunday.  So, today in between some house repairs, running a carpet cleaner at my parent’s house, and paying some bills, I have got to go to the university to computer score two personality inventories, and I still have to write three reports.

I was child-free last night after my son’s game and meeting with my pastor about my sermon next Sunday, but I couldn’t go out.  My son brought home a simply hideous virus that is mostly just in my throat now, but there was a period of time that I had eaten two granola bars and quinoa salad; although, it’d been over two days.  Although I have hardwoods, I didn’t want to do what my son had done on the carpet at my parent’s house.  It’s been a helluva week.

I think that things are shifting for me though.  I would like to go out tonight and have a glass of wine.  I had to cancel my outdoor rock climbing class on Saturday because I’ve been too sick.  I have a beer festival though.  🙂  I’ll need to print those tickets tomorrow morning too.  I don’t have a client until 10. I told my roommate, who is NEVER home, that I don’t date anymore, but I pair down.  What I do is hang out, work out, go to my friend’s houses for dinner and such, or just meet other’s friends and kick around.  It’s like information mining.  Only my friends know that I’m ready to settle down.  Organic is my approach, and the last few girls have been easily eliminated as possible love interests after a little data gathering.

Shane was supposed to call my son last night, but I didn’t turn out having him.  I moved it until next Tuesday.  So, she’s been “going to call him” since January, and it’s going to be July.  Nice.  It’s more odd to me that she affects this close relationship fantasy.  She spent two weekends and two sustained weeks with him 2.5-years ago.  And the latter killed her.  She cried, she raged, she wouldn’t have sex with me for 6-days, and of course, she drank like a fish.  But, I always say, and I mean this statement, “People are doing the best with what they got.”  She can jump out of airplanes, but she doesn’t have 24-7 resolve to parent.  She can be an aunt who drops in and out.

I think that I mentioned that I had a good conversation with Bette.  I think that she will get to a point in the next two years when she can really start to address her moods.  She still says that now that she has had a year’s space from her grief that she is doing well, but in a same breath she can scratch the surface with the hurt that she has over her two older kids who don’t talk to her anymore.  I think that those demons will have to be addressed, and if I had to bet, I’d say that they will be in time.  That’s her journey though.

I’ve been writing about my brother.  He’d be thirty this year…  I can remember a lot of things about him, and always wonder what he’d be like now.  It’s a story that I’ve never really told in total, and now I’ll be telling it to a handful of people who I know, and others who are part of my church, the whole story.  It’s an exercise in being vulnerable.  That is good for me.  I’m on a track that is doing the best with what I got.