Tag Archives: Changes

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Never settling

I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be.  Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast.  What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight.  And God, does she fight mean.  It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated.  She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?”  Nope.

It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain.  Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed.  I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad.  I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance.  I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it.  That is my stuff though.  I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner.  I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.

In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed.  I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision.  The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb.  Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song.  I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done.  Might as well keep doing it.”  The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build.  You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain.  With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much.  It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”

Now, I want to be alone.  I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete.  Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone.  The first time was when I was 14.  The second time was when I was 23.  The next time was when I was 33.  Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain.  There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”

 

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My place

So, I went out with a friend last night, and I really wish in most ways that I had known that my best friend was hosting a karaoke night, because that is much more my speed, but I did get some insights from the friend with whom I spent last evening.  It really is great to have so many friends who work in mental health.  She told me that our relationship has the perpetual flavor of “I will leave you first.”  I can honestly say that I have never done that with a girl, so it is spurned by a super shitty dynamic that only she and I create.  I get that she has a control and abandonment flavor, but no matter how sexy she is, I must not take her back.  If I see her again and she has been sexually untoward, I must say, “I will definitely see you.  Here are the three names for psychologists and social workers that I have.  Phone screen them and tell me where to meet you or trust me and I will make the appointment.”  That has to be it.

Additionally, I know in the bottom of my heart that she is interested in the woman with whom I will have a playdate and probably a couple of others who actually live in her county.  I am intuitive, and she would not continue to ride my ass about “someone” if she didn’t have a woman closer than I who is a prospect.  I am not going to text–something that I’m good at–and I have changed my mind about sending a letter asking for counseling. She, of course, emailed yesterday, and I wrote that I would go to couples’ counseling with her in a heartbeat, but ironically there is not time.  And there isn’t!  Like I always say, “We are not aging in reverse!”

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Self of Therapist

OK, it is finally D-day because someone who calls you a big baby when she hurts your feelings is not your partner…  So, I have to ask her why she went from it will be great to see you to, let’s play it by ear to, save gas and let’s see if we can work tomorrow out.

  • She told me that it was because she wanted free time with her son like I was currently having and that then when she heard that I’d be closer to her Sunday see if that could work out, but without me re-arranging

Translation:  I want to control whether or not you get to see me, and I’m much more interested in connecting with this other woman who you live to close to, because I was attracted to her initially, and want to know who you live by and possibly will spend time with at times.

I have to ask her lots of questions.

  • I, in fact, asked her few questions, and when she said, “I know who you’ll date next and I will send the name to you in an envelope,” I told her openly that I’m interested in the engineer and she LOST it.  I am honest, I don’t regret it, and although my interest is not sexual at this point, and I can acknowledge that I still am in love with my ex, I am intrigued by the engineer and very attracted to her stability.

When did she go from in just a short time I love you and your son and want to say move in here and enroll him at the local elementary?

  • I couldn’t ask her this questions, because she only sees that we trigger each other and continues not to acknowledge her back and forth with me.

How does she see our fights?

  • She doesn’t think that we fight all of the time even when I told her that it follows a monthly cycle.

Why do you pull away from me when things get intense or scary for you?

  • She said that she didn’t consciously this time when she had her health scare and if not talking and then changing plans last minute is not pulling away, then we don’t see emotional connection in the same way at all.

Why did she say that she couldn’t go to therapy after reflecting for six-weeks because she didn’t want anybody to poke around in her head?

  • I didn’t ask this question either, but if you have read any of the entries that I wrote from winter, I think that you know the answer, because I certainly do.  I also want to point out that it is snowing today, and so I get the whole cycle now.

Why does she continue to say what our friendship could look like if that’s not really what she was focusing on, because it felt like that is what she wanting?

  • I have that answer too.  Because she doesn’t want a friendship.  I have hateful texts and have been blocked from her social media and also from her cell phone, I am sure, because she told me that she was going so.

So, what have I learned?  I am capable of deep, connected love.  I like to keep in the tip top physical shape.  I give second, third, and many chances because I am adaptable.  I really had grieved our relationship toward the end of last spring.  I had gotten very intrigued by how different she had appeared in August and was quite hopeful, but that hope started to fade quickly when I realized that we would be back in our monthly cycle.  What is interesting to me is that when I blocked the drunk, it was because she threatened my life, and I am blocked because I threaten her heart.  It is too bad that we can’t be friends, but it is just as well that our relationship completely ended in a clean manner.

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Firm

I think that  I get lured in because she’s sexy and because we do have great sexual intimacy, but I was reflecting on why that is and I think that is where her guard is down.  Otherwise she is guarded, scared and angry particularly when someone is close.  It’s not like she hasn’t been giving me warnings…  She told me the last weekend that I saw her that we could have an amazing friendship if we didn’t work out, and I told her that it wouldn’t be close.  She was pissed and said, “Well, then we can have a friendship with no depth.”  I told her that the depth would always be there given what we shared, but that if we didn’t work out as partners a close friendship is inappropriate.  So, I think that we are social media friends.  My friends and I don’t have fights where we call each other basically big babies and make accusations about each other’s characters and that is because I wouldn’t have someone with those types of characteristics as a close friend.  She is an ex who I loved more deeply than I thought capable.

I have four best friends.  One is from middle school, so he is basically like a childhood friend.  I don’t see him often, but because of history we have good times around the holidays and the like.  I don’t think that he selects good mates for him, and I know that he misses his sons, but he doesn’t see one at all and the other he only talks to weekly on the phone.  This is probably why I don’t see him frequently. Meaning that he and I don’t lead our lives in the same fashion.  I have another best friend from graduate school and I have been there as she is getting healthy with relationship, which is admirable.  I think I’m getting closer, but am not quite where she is.  I do have an example of when we have fought…  She stopped talking to me for almost three months when my ex broke up with me after New Year’s Day this year.  She told me that I should not invite in crazy, and I guess that I have gotten something out of her instability for the past nine-months off and on.  I just can’t navigate mean and I told this best friend that yesterday on the phone–she lives on the East Coast.  She was right though and I have to send her something this week, so I need to tell her that because I neglected to do so on the phone.

I have another best friend who I met because I did contract work for her.  She also lives far away and because I just haven’t had pay increases really while stuff continues to rise in cost, I don’t see her too much and she’s not a phone person.  However, we always do have each other’s back and we have had some wild times together that I miss.  Although those types of times have passed, we got even closer during them when we were doing things that we probably uncharacteristic of us.  My last best friend lives here…  It is very hard to see her frequently because I seem to drive my son to his classes all the time.  I miss her, because it is so easy to be with her.  Her youngest kids are in between the age of my son, and she simply loves it when I cook for her.  I won’t be driving 80-miles in a roundtrip anymore to see a woman whom I am dating, so I think that every other Thursday I can see her again, which will be great for us and our kids.  I write this because I’m covered on the friend front.  I also have a whole bunch of other friends too who I see less frequently, and there is now a couple from the trip my ex and I made to the mountains who I’m interested in knowing more.  One is a Mom who I have interest in because she lives close, is outdoorsy, and has a daughter my son’s age.  Another is a neighbor and I have interest in her that I can’t define yet.  She is cute.  I look forward to a bike ride with her soon.

So, great sex does not a partnership make.  Especially when you can assume that most of it is an extension of a couple of perfectionists who are fairly sexual.  I put qualifier on it only for her, because she tends to withdraw there a lot when her mood goes south.  That has gotten old too.

First, project engineer shall begin.  I need to check when she is back stateside as she went on a very cool trip for her 40th.  I kinda still crush on the girl 10-years younger than me, but I really think that a friendship is more responsible.  We shall see how Ms Roadbiker and I are meant to develop.   I’m open to novelty and seeing where things go with other girls.  I am actually excited to date again, and I HATE dating.  I told a friend yesterday that I just fear getting too good at it.

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I’m different

It occurred to me yesterday when I was telling her some details about my day that I’m the one who is really different in this relationship.  She has reminded me that we are just dating, well, then that’s what I’ll show up for and it’s not much really.  I have dated–lots.  That means that we will probably talk right before most weekends and just see each other and that’s it.  The thing is that we talked everyday for six-months, and then it got weird, so we began the dance of what 7th graders tend to do and that’s the break-up/make-up cycle and then I was completely fed up with it Memorial Day, so I bounced.

At that point (May), I was surprised that it was completely over and I was definitely listening to her HeyTells a bunch the following morning, but unfortunately, I wanted to leave a message for a friend and it was on her name in the menu, so I accidentally left her a blank one and that is how we began talking again.  I asked her to go to counseling.  She answered that question f2f six-weeks later and when the answer was, “No,” I had a fling with a semi-friend–who is actually too intense for me–and then when she found out about it, she FLIPPED.  That was odd, because when she wouldn’t go to counseling, I figured that we were done forever.  I had two dates that Sunday.  That knowledge caused her to take me off her social media and not talk to me for 12-hours and then she demanded to see me.  I think that is the only reason that she had sex with me, tbh.  “If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone to.”  Our sex life is good, so if we can have sex once or twice a month that is fine by me.

We would need counseling though.  She is finalizing the property divisions between her and her ex-partner.  She was with her I think for about 6-years, and now, 7-years later, they are finally splitting their properties and the older children are really out of the picture.  That is a long divorce.  I don’t move that slow.  I do wait and observe, but not for 7-years.

I don’t think that she will go to couples’ counseling with me in January.  I think that is why she told me that I should see my psychologist when I was venting about work.  I am currently quite professionally dissatisfied.  I know what I need to do though, and will do it.  I don’t need to pay money to see my psychologist like she suggested.  In fact, like a guy, she is too quick with advice most of the time, so I probably won’t tell her what’s going on for me.  Doesn’t effect dating much, but would effect a partnership.  We couldn’t have a partnership anyway without some direct work with a therapist, so I will probably just date her for awhile.  I do need to get my doctorate done as a first priority, so when I can see her, great.  That’s really it for me.  I’m no different than where I came to on Memorial Day

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Unsteady

We had a rough night on my bday.  I think that I need to remind myself that she truly does drive the bus and tends toward a more rigid view of that when she is stressed or shaken.  That can work or it won’t.  I’m not going to invest all my soul into something that is not reciprocal.

I drove up on Thursday and unfortunately her check-up appointment did not go at all well.  She will have to have surgery.  This will translate into my being unable to support because she admitted that she will push me away if she is truly sick.  I think that I understand that, because if the tables were turned, I would not ask for help from her because of how far away she is.  I think that I would ask one of my friends who is single to move in rent-free so I wouldn’t have to go back to my folks’.  In my heart, I know that she is not really sick, but has torn an area that had become weaker when she had her son.

Friday was good.  Connecting with her friends surrounded by beauty was wonderful.  The rough accommodations for sleep made me feel lucky that we could go back on Saturday.  I know that leaving all the women was both a good and bad thing, but I just wanted to connect to her completely.  Her son had gotten pretty sick.  We took good care of him and he was well enough to ride bikes with us on Sunday.  Monday I drove back down and worked.  Now, I’m sick.  Not super sick, but I do have a sore throat and am tired.  I’m glad that we will know what type of surgery or course of treatment she needs as of today.

Our connection is good.  She said that the weekend taught her that we travel well together and show up in a social situation well together too.  I agree with both of those conclusions.

I also know that there is very little chance that I would ever date another mother again.  It doesn’t appeal to me for a variety of reasons.  I don’t want to juggle someone else’s kids, I don’t want tons of inflexible time compromises, and I would rather start fresh with kids of our own if partnership was possible.  I have fallen completely in love with her son, and I would not want to loose him either.  I don’t want that.  I also don’t want to chase girls anymore.  I want to do half or less of the legwork.  If we don’t work out, I would wait for girls to come to me, and I mean that.  I don’t like it when I extend myself and I don’t get texts back and the like.

Last night she was in overly positive mode, which is disingenuous.  When I am sick, I tend to seek out people who make me laugh so I can have a distraction.  The night when I had already fallen asleep she texted that she wished that I was there to hold her and that she was sorry for the emotional volatility.  I actually don’t feel like she impacts me in that way.  I know her.  There are superficial things that I don’t know about her, but I know how she shows up.  Right now, she will push me away for awhile, and that is what she does when she is dealing with things.  That’s ok, because I never contacted her first all summer, so I can keep busy with life all the while getting my doctorate done.  I also know enough about dating, so if we are meant to continue, life won’t get in the way.

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Immediacy

So, when I work with kids and also do some work with adults I sometimes have to ask them, “Where are you right now and what are you experiencing?”  That kind of in-the-moment focus helps one not drudge up the past and also aids the ability of a person to be fully present and focused on moving forward.  She came over late last night and we just enjoyed each other fully, and I also made a full breakfast this morning for both of us and my son.  One of the highlights was when my son’s dog busted into the bedroom and lain her body on her.  I told her, “That one is mine, and you’ll have to find your own.”  She loves her and it is obviously reciprocal.  We wound up being all of us piled in the bed and she held my son too.  It was a sweet morning.

Last night she told me that she wanted to get naked and I said, “Well, that sounds great to me,” and she quickly followed it up my affirmation by saying, “Well, not a naked cuddle.  My intention is to fuck, so I just want to be clear.”  I actually really like how direct she is, and still hold that hers and my sex life is incredible and would be impossible to parallel.  We had quite a lot of sex and then drifted off to music via my iPod in a docking station.  It was nice.  We would have had some more lovemaking this morning, but we got in pj’s because my son was awake and all cuddled together eventually.  I can still smell her perfume in my room and will be missing her tonight while she is in the mountains with her mother and son and some of her “adopted” family.

I told her that I just want to hang out with her.  She told me that she just has to be sure.  I told her that there is no “for sure” things, but that I’m not about to bottom line our situation or think that she should trust me within 6-months.  She said that if I gave her an ultimatum, she would bounce.  I didn’t remind her that I told her that I didn’t want to continue after we had tried to reconnect in July and she presented like a corpse, and that it was she who continued to contact me constantly.  I honestly thought because I had hooked up with a girl a few times, and also had two different dates with two different girls that we would never speak again.  Then she got it, and that was if we truly were operating with immediacy, we need to just enjoy and not be so damn guarded.  Saying, “my intention is to fuck” is a great start.  We need to stay here…  Laughing, talking, enjoying each other and our intimacy as best as we are able given very busy and separate lives.

I still love her and told her all last night and this morning.  We do love each other.  We do have incredible amounts of passion and wonderful intimacy in convo and also the sexual realm.  I know that we are in love, and hope that we have the ability for a commitment.  She told me that I treat her better, am not selfish, and say things that are sweeter and sound different than they did before.  She is still grieving her loss, working on finalizing all aspects of her “divorce” from her partner who she has not been with in 7-years, and just wants me, to be me.  I can do that.  It’s the only way I know.

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Actually different

I get it now, but it took all this time away and my holding that her ability to withdraw emotionally from me would not work ever again.  I want to maintain a connection with her, and don’t want her to pull away when she is scared or when she feels like she has to control a situation.  The only thing that I think that wigs her out right now is that I slept with a girl when we were separated this summer.  I also had a couple of other dates too.  I don’t think that she understands that I just take what she says to me at face value, so if we are broken up, I’ll do whatever.  Ultimately, I’m looking for a partner and one to raise my son with in the end.

I knew that I was in trouble when she got out of her driveway and that was more than a month ago.  My attraction to her is intense and consuming, which is why I didn’t want to see her.  So, we talked and laughed and she said some funny stuff to me.  I kept turning red, which is actually completely ridiculous when you have been with a woman for eight months, but she still really does it for me.  At one point she said, “How many times are you going to get into your pantry when you blush?”  She also made some jokes about being dead inside and I told her that I was glad that there was no formaldehyde anywhere around because I just wanted us to be genuine with one another.  So, we were.  It was easy.

I do understand that this venture won’t be all easy, but I don’t want any of that back and forth bullshit that we had.  So, I just lay low and wait until she wants to connect.  With all the shit that goes on in her life, I’m glad that she does make as much time for me as she does, and it’s a lot.  We had a nice weekend together this weekend.  It was a date on Friday and a little connection plus time with her son on Saturday.  That is good enough for me.  I’m just going to see how things play out this year, and then go from there.

I still love our sex life.  I still think that she is funny and sexy.  I love her eyes.  Her body feels perfect in my hands.  I very much like that she thinks that I’m funny, a great lover, and that I’m smart and intellectually stimulate her.

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Never over

I let her have dinner with me two weeks ago.  I don’t know what this experience will ultimately entail, but I know that based on some interpersonal work that she is doing, that she is different.  I know too, that she wonders if she’s lost me or if I will suddenly starting dating someone.  She was funny and open, and that’s a side that I have not seen since last fall.  She is in there, but is scared that I will just decide to explore intimately one of the connections that I have with either of these girls.

The first girl is obscenely too young for me.  A ten-year age different also involves some stage of life disconnects that would impact a relationship significantly.  It is also obvious that she is mad at me for breaking our date last weekend, but I don’t have the bandwidth to see two girls at once.  She was somewhat remote yesterday and promised to call Sat, and did not, so I didn’t say when I approached her that I was back seeing my ex.  No reason to when after our date you didn’t contact me much.  I think that I got one text, so it was simple for me two weeks ago to say that I had too much going on and couldn’t keep our date.

The other girl is quite reserved and shy, so she won’t make a move and honestly, she would be a wonderful friend to me, and that should be where it stays.  I seek passion.  She gives me those non-hug hugs as well, so nothing will ever happen.  I kind of am an introvert collector, but it’s been much easier for me to date an extrovert.  I’d rather that she and I just spend time together to get a good friendship on track anyway, because my extremely social lifestyle would put her over the edge if we had a relationship.

I had to change some plans with my ex this past weekend and she came unhinged.  I reacted too much to it too.  I need to remember that she has not gone on a vacation in 8-years and that she works around the clock most weeks.  I don’t want to call her at work again, but will answer when I am able at my work.  Changing plans is not good, but I don’t come unhinged when they are changed.  I’m ultimately more flexible and patient though.

The appeal still is that last fall was gorgeous in every way, and that we have a deep emotional and physical connection.  She held me tight on Saturday night and told me that she was too spent to make love and told her that was fine.  She said, “Who is this?” I told her most of the truth, and that was that sex will usually happen if you have a strong connection and I noted that during our summer of separation.  Another factor is that for a minute this summer, I kinda dated a girl who would have shown up to do me any day of the week, and that left me empty.  I want my sexual activities to matter every time that I do it.  Yesterday morning we had a couple hours of wonderful contact that was some of the best that we have ever had.

I just want to hang out with her when it makes sense, less the intensity that ultimately feeds problems.  I don’t have to engage when she is angry about something that has only to do with me on the periphery.  I could date, but I don’t want to date.  It’s too much work unless someone is honest about being into you and has confidence and drive to meet you half-way.  I’d rather get the things done that I have to, and continue to work on a possibility for relationship with my ex.  It seems crazy, but deep, passionate love is crazy.

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BME

So, I talked with my ex last night and the conversation felt comfortable.  I wound up thinking, “Maybe it is possible to to friends with an ex?”  However, today when she learned that I had some dates, and of course, sex, she FREAKED out.  I don’t have anything to apologize for a damn thing that I do, as we are not together, but she wigged completely out.  Let it be known that she and I had not had any intimacy for three months.    She continues to tell me about all the offers that she gets, but that she can’t take any of them because she “cares for me” and that is not even accurate.  She had told me about a reading that she had done said that this is her closure year and not a good time to start a relationship, so that’s the reason.  Whatever the reason, you broke up with me every month for three and in the third, I started agreeing with you.  Tonight, you told me in an e-mail that you’d go to therapy with me.  However, that is not bait that I will take.  Have your date on Thursday.  Good for you!

I had two today.  I thought that this girl from church was really cute, so I asked her out.  We picnicked and took a long walk around the park.  I embraced her after we parted after a couple of hours and she squeezed my right bicep.  Yep.

My cycling partner introduced me to this other woman who came to dinner tonight.  She dressed up, brought wine, and talked at length with me.  I liked this evening.  I was worried that she didn’t talk, but she does, and is smart and very stable.  I liked her.  She is a week and two years older than me.  My first date (lunch) is 10-years younger.

Wow.  There is certainly a beginning, middle, and end when you break up completely with the woman who you thought that you were going to marry.  And I’m very interested to see what shall unfold with these two women.  I had a great ending to my weekend!

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The Good Fight

What will I do if I still feel this way after next fall?  It has been so beastly hot as of late that I will just be glad for the season to turn, but honestly if she continues to hold so much weight over my heart, what will I do?  Nothing seems to help.  We were so damn happy last fall, and nothing compares to the way that I felt then or how much of myself I gave to her.  I’m not sure when or if those conditions could be met again.  I could do some low maintenance thing with a girl, but I probably could not give too much of myself and that is not fair.  The last girl who I dated was just too needy and thought that she was beyond reproach, but I wonder what would happen if I met a really incredible girl?  Would I even “see” her?  I’m incredulous.  I wish that there was some way for my ex and I to actually be together and enjoy each other without rancor.  I am still in love with her.

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NOT who I’m looking for

I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl.  We need to go back to a friendship.  To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating.  Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development.  It’s too relationship-oriented for me too.  If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth.  But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex.  I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.

Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing.  I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her.  I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek.  Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.

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Willpower

It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her.  I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it.  So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me.  It’s sad, because she does this…  She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact.  My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.

My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect.  Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel.  She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again.  There are some things that I must accept about her.  She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.

I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me.  She is sweet.  She is earnest.  She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me.  I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me.  I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking.  I still am looking for a compatible partner.

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I have issues clearly

So, I took my son to my folks’ house during the lunch hour and met her for a impromptu date yesterday.  I fed her meter–actually I parked her car too, as she had trouble getting in the spot–bought her a couple beers and pizza and we went home to have sex.  It was nice, as was the conversation that we had, but then she suddenly looked at her watch and said, “I told [my roommate] that I’d be home at four, so I have to go, as much as I’d like to stay here and have sex all afternoon.”

I told her that she has to get home to someone who doesn’t give her what I do–which I had said in a smart aleck, in jest sort of way.  Then she said, “I have been in a relationship like that where I was told, ‘Oh, you can be an hour late.  You can be half-an-hour late,’ and I’m not going to do that anymore.  I like to tell whoever I’m meeting what time I will be home and do it.”  I said, “OK.”  I got up and got dressed.  That was not what I was saying, and I was joking, but I was pissed at the abruptness of her transition, and because she is so attached to her roommate I was really aggravated.  Also, I took my son elsewhere to do something nice for her, which I paid for, orchestrated, and was not implying that she needed to be late.  I was joking around.

As I was getting ready to leave my bedroom, I was seething, because she was comparing me to some girl who she was with for over three-years, and is probably 10 or more years my junior.  Then, the kicker was that it was 50-minutes until it was 4!  She lives 15-20 minutes away from me.  I told her the time and she said, “Oh, I looked at my watch wrong!”  I was infuriated.  Last night when we talked for a two-hours she said that I blew her looking at her watch incorrectly way out of proportion.  I told her that it seemed convenient, and she was insulted that I thought that she’d lie.  I told her that with the fervor that she started leaving, it seemed so dissimilar to the way in which she rolls.  I figured that she was going to go out, do whatever around girls, and wanted to get the hell out.

So, she is now aggravated at me for thinking that the watch was an excuse and that I want her to be with me all the time.  The latter is completely bizarre.  I have to admit that she triggered my ex-partner stuff.  Recall that my ex-partner was not exclusive with me, always slept with another girl, and “fell in love with me” when she had moved to the Southeast.  I do not want another fuck buddy again, and do want to be of value.  I guess that if you have as many relationships as I have had that you have what Missy Higgins sings about which is scars.

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Semi-gf

Remember in “Singles,” when one of the main characters is sitting in a coffee shop and says, “Hand me that phone, I am going to call my new, semi-girlfriend?”  I don’t know if I even really want one right now, and I do know that my schedule is daunting for all who are around me.  I was with my best friend and her family yesterday and she said, “Isn’t there one night that we can have dinner together next week?”  Things are going to go from busy to insane within seconds here, so I don’t know what I am capable of in terms of relationship maintenance.

Also, I would NEVER live with girl until I have known her a year, so I am not sure when you switch your relationships when many falls come around, how you will have a partner to do the day-to-day with you.  I told her and it is unfortunately very true that I have been part of a catch and release program for sometime now.  However, what I imagine myself being in is a longterm partnership.  That is what I’m seeking though in all honesty.

She left yesterday morning before I left to take my dog on a walk.  She was in text contact most all afternoon and then came over to connect and have more sex in the late afternoon.  I didn’t ask her to come over, but she kept asking what I was doing and when I would have my son with me again.  Then she had a family situation to deal with, which stressed her out, and we wound up talking quite a bit on the telephone before bed.  Then she texted and said that she still wanted to be talking to me, so we did.

She is sweet.  She is romantic.  She is an earnest and aggressive lover.  She is young.  She is scared to be vulnerable and open with me, so I will do what I do with anyone in that boat and that is give space to her while being consistent and solid.  In conclusion, I really do like her, enjoy time with her, and am grateful to have a girl to sleep with and connect to while I am working on my wounds.

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Growth

I got mad at her last night, and I’m not going to lie.  She told me all about what her housemate and she have decided about dating a mother, and I told her in addition to neither of them not being parents that they really don’t need to make me out to be a Springer episode.  And they don’t.  We aren’t doing family time, and the latter was only done with my ex because it was the first and only time that I fell head-over-heels in love and believed in a one.  Also, I loved, loved, loved her son, and really can’t click to her social media page because I don’t want to see him.  I loved him and I still do and probably wouldn’t have put up with her shit as much with no backlash had I not felt so connected to him.

Now, I want concerns to be dealt with right away, so I told her that she and I would be seeing each other every other weekend until we make some decisions.  This is dating at it’s purest form and that’s it.  Speculating about my abilities as a parent when your analogy is your str8 sister and your nephew and two nieces that you see about monthly is a poor one.  She knew that she crossed the line and I don’t want her and the woman who she lives who she addresses as “her wife” to make assumptions about me.  It’s judgmental.

I won’t be judged.  I won’t be defined.  I will slowly see what we are.  I will make some decisions after some time has elapsed.  I will communicate clearly and efficiently too when I’m triggered.  After it occurs, I will write about it, and put it away forever, because I wish that my ex could have done that just once with me.  I’m not going to make hash marks.  That is NOT me.

She called me back 5-minutes after we hung up and asked me to tell her a joke.  She said our conversation was odd, and I didn’t remind her to put herself in my shoes, but I did call her back several minutes after we hung up again, and told her one.  We will have fun tonight though…  I just know it.  I’m done with it, told her where my limit is, and I won’t even put energy out where she can talk about my son who she has seen twice.  I want us to discover what “we” are and that should be free of my kid.  That is where my ex and I got convoluted anyway.  No texts since Thursday from the latter, so I plan on enjoying this night to the hilt, and having some good, illicit sex as well.

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Kindness

The friend who I have been sleeping with is so kind.  I can’t believe how conscientious she is about contact and staying connected to me.  We talked last night before bed and then texted some more.  I really hope that she will finally get some sleep.  I like just being able to talk free from resentment and simply enjoy when we are together.  I think that she and I really do have some destiny to stay in each other’s lives after we see out what it is that we are doing.

My ex texted me last night.  It says that she misses me and that I will always have a piece of her heart.  I don’t even know what that means really.  I think that given what she does for a living and how she controls her friends that she is not able to separate how she shows up with others or even differentiate between her work and friendships.  Even with her best friend, who she doesn’t see frequently, she still makes comments about and to directly in terms of the way that she leads her life.  It’s really a classic Adlerian paradigm, and I’d rather be with someone and just be.  I want judgment reserved.  I’ll delete her message in a little while.  I won’t contact her again.  I’ll wish her a Happy Birthday, but I don’t want contact.  I really do want a year’s worth of space.

I want kindness.  I’m seeking it and give it anytime that I can.  If someone is leading her life in a way that I don’t think is good, I can say that it wouldn’t be for me, but it probably works for that person.  A good example is a friend who I’ve had for 25-years who has done break-up / make-up with her partner for 4-years.  It would not be for me (And I have told her this twice), but I think that is the dynamic that she and her girl have, so it must work for them.  Kindness and consistency works for me in addition to honest and open communication.  I like having sex with someone who is kind, consistent, and honest with me too.  I am having a good end to my vacation this week.

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Momentum

I feel really good.  I think that although I did coerce her into coming over last night that I was good to her.  She was sore given her camping trip and fast-paced lifestyle that she has.  Also, she had not slept in four-days.  I should have taken melatonin, so I could have slept more soundly after I gave her a deep massage.  Next time…  Saturday that is.  I felt bad that we woke up a lot because I am–let’s face it–stoked to have a naked woman wake up next to me what will be three times this week.  That is so rare for me, and is honestly what I’m looking for longterm.  As is someone to make breakfast for everyday.  That was nice too.

I told her that my lifestyle may not work for her because this will be my busiest 10-months, but if she just wants to see what may develop given that I love hanging out with her and enjoy our sex life, then we can just see what it’s like when we spend more time together and settle into the fall.  We really had some good chemistry there and it is sooooo good to be back in the saddle again.  With my ex, things that were that satisfying became few and far between, so it’s also gratifying.

I’m just going to take this situation day-by-day.  She has housemates who are like family to her, and she frankly does not want to disrupt that much, so it may be that she is not really in the boat for a partner.  I’d be fine with us just having sex and seeing each other when we could and then becoming friends after I’m done with this busy, busy year.  What will be, will be and I feel so much better than I did and am grateful to not be pining for last fall with my ex.

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A taste

That is the bad thing about sex when you are not used to having it as much as you’d like…  You want more.  Damn.  She is out-of-town and I have my son.  I suppose that we will sleep together this weekend anyway.  Damn again!  I wasn’t going to do this kinda thing with her.  Physically, she is not really my type at all, but maybe I’m just so happy to liked for who I am and have someone interacting nicely with me that thinks who I’m sexy and smart.  That’s a good thing.  Sooooo superior to selfish, negative, and creepy when you are unwilling to drive to me, are unsure that I have longterm potential, and want to be free of sexual intensity.  Well, the latter sure has a different spin when you fuck until 5 in the morning and then do it again at 7.

I did tell her that she needs to be dating a non-mother and probably someone her age or younger.  She said that she has done younger.  I will tell you too that she was the first thing on my mind today as were some of the particulars from the 6-hours of sex.  When I called her this morning, I told her that I have no idea what we are.  The thing is that I just want to take a year and see, but I also want her to find someone way less complicated than I am.  I will be working constantly August – May and I have full custody of my son.  That is not constant sex, which is something that she likes.

I can also tell you that for right now, she is nice to talk to and that I’d do her right now if she was in town and I could get a sitter.  I fell in love hard once and it was simple for three-months, so now I think that I feel more comfortable going back to slow, organic development.  I shall see and truly have an ease with her, so I will just take each day with her and see what becomes of it.

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30-day trial is not applying right now

I had hot sex last night and this morning with a friend of mine.  She and I have known each other very vaguely, but we have been hanging out a ton since mid-June.  We went out and when the night waned on, I realized that I was going to sleep with her.  She is also vaguely in love with me, which made it flattering.  She is very smart too, so when we talked about our fate and a one-time thing, it was obvious to me that is just want she wanted as well.  It was nice, and it was very nice to forget about my ex for many hours.

The only thing is that she is ready to date, and I can date every other weekend.  Given that she does not have kids of her own, that is what we could do.  I told her what we both already knew…  We are at different stages of life, that I would not bring my son around our dating, and that she is worth way, way more than a rebound thing.  She deserves the whole package.  I need to heal up completely anyway.

I won’t sleep with her again anytime soon.  I want to do social things with girls and build up my circle of friends.  I used to say that I don’t do my friends, and I wouldn’t, but I just wanted arms around me as did she, because for her, it had been a long, long time.  She is a brand-new friend anyway, because I have known of her, but not known her really until last month.  I hope that this intimate connection will be an impetus for her to meet a girl who is not a Mom to date.

The thing that is amazing is how open she is.  My ex doesn’t take anything that I say at face value.  It’s a competition or I am not being truthful.  With this girl who is my friend it is polar opposite–as are her looks–which meant that I had to talk to her somewhat about the obvious reasons for our sex.  I have no regrets.  It made me feel vital and will help cure me of my ex’s spell.

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Leave it

I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.”  I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text.  It’s true.  I  think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship.  That was our normal rhythm.  But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend.  I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real.  And I know that I can leave it…  Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.

I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now.  I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me.  In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday.  She can’t stop thinking about me.  Me.  The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible.  Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls.  So be it.  Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.

My cycling partner’s family was in town last week.  I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset.  I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence.  That is a good analogy for me too.  I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable.  This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too.  Compromise and flow.  I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her.  She is such a genuine person.”  That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there.  Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.

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What does she want?

I still don’t understand where she is.  She chats me last week and says that she wants what I want too, eg. being held, co-parenting, and not feeling like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and now the difference between she and I is that she doesn’t really have to have a partner.  Well, make up your mind.  You sure have about not going to counseling, but you still want the cake to consume don’t you?

She tells me that she misses our sex life and that we should try that as an approach.  I told her that I have had a loveless commitment, and I’ve had a fuck buddy, and now I’m seeking partner.  I guess that we have a lot to talk about today.  Again, she plays the role of seductress very well, but it feels like she has to keep one foot out.  I’m worth much more than that.  She said that we can’t make a relationship work, but doesn’t want to be analyzed or does she have time to go to counseling.  Given that she neglected to see the woman who she sees during her father’s last month, death, and disorganized funeral, I do know that the latter is true.  To be true to myself and respect myself, I can say what I want in just over four hours.

  1. I want to share my daily life with someone
  2. I want to wake up next to her and go to bed next to her more nights than not
  3. I want a family and the possibility to have more children
  4. I want to talk about things before they become problematic and evolve into bad patterns
  5. I want someone who even after some time, we still have trouble taking our hands off of each other
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Wonder

So, a brand new friend came over for the traditional 4th of July BBQ last night and we played with my son, talked, ate, laughed and connected.  Notice that I say new, because in fact, I met her at my friend’s going away party last month as that girl was moving to the West Coast.  We get along really, really well.  It’s easy and it will stay easy because of variety of reasons, but it’s sad that she does like me.  That won’t grow for me, because with sexual chemistry, I can feel it immediately and if I can’t imagine things, I don’t stare into your eyes, at your mouth, look at your ass, and glance at your hands, it won’t happen ever.  I know that is not cool, but I’m wired that way and passion doesn’t grow for me.

I was not only thinking how odd it was that she and I can just talk, but I was also thinking how good it is that when she challenges what I say that she gives me examples about what others do, etc., but doesn’t attack me or make a fundamental attribution error saying that decisions that I make, make me who I am, when in fact, they are simply decisions and not character flaws.  I also don’t like having my words dissected so they can be used as evidentiary support for why I have ulterior motives or am being deliberately evasive.  Why does my ex still have my heart?  Well, because in matters of the heart, rational thoughts don’t enter in as much as we’d like.  I told my new friend that it would really be great if I had a switch over my left breast, but I don’t, so I will just have to gain some understanding on Sunday and then make some rules.

She thinks that I will continue this waiting around thing, and I assured her that I won’t.  Otherwise, “coffee” would not have had those kinda thrilling aspects when I got compliments, or when we smiled as often at each other as we did.  I am glad she is taken, because I don’t want the swing through the rebound with a girl like her, and I really need to get my act together before I date again.  But, after some connection and time, I would be ready to date another girl again.

I wonder what Sunday will hold.  I think that I know because she is pretty transparent.  I think that she has now had ample time to build up her case for why I messed up our relationship.  That’s fine if that it is what she has to convince herself of, but I know that we’d have been fine if she didn’t start breaking up with me after the first of the year, and by the third round of it, I just tended to agree with her.  The final straw was the dramatic going into the spare bedroom when I was not only not near her or was I talking to her.  Honestly, when I think about that, I wonder why I even went up there over Memorial Day?  When you know that you have  a few good days with someone and then she goes back into a cycle of worry and anxiety, which translates into her attacking you, that will probably always be her pattern.  I don’t understand why she has my heart actually, and I wonder how long it will take to have it be ready and open for something new?

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Clairvoyance

Is this what “actual girls” really expect you to have?  There must be a reason that I have been with three Gold Stars, as they were pretty transparent.  A couple of my friends have said that my ex was my “first real girl,” but I lived with a barely bi straight girl in college, so I am not sure, but I do not get my ex.  What does she really want and expect?  I sure as hell don’t get it!  And when I was married to a man, I just wanted him to listen and not tell me what I did wrong or tell me how I should have handled things when I had a bad day at work.  I did not expect him to anticipate my needs and would directly say, “Can you just listen?  I don’t even expect you to respond,” which did translate into him making a hostile look while he listened, but then again, he does things so much better than me.  Anyway…

So, of course the contact CONTINUES.  And I don’t like the way that some social media sites keep you signed in if you are just simply using your cell, so I may disable that feature if possible.  She acts like we have been hanging out or something and can just do idle chit chat.  What kind of shit is that?!?  We have not seen each other since the 25th of May and that ended in total crap, so I am not sure what she is thinking.  She also wants to say that I am the one that is too busy, and that is bizarre too.  I asked her what was attractive about an 80-mile roundtrip in three-hours wherein I watch her paddle around a lake and get all kinds of emotions stirred up?  She changed the subject on that one!  Lord.

Sunday cannot come soon enough for me because she will just keep contacting me.  Why TF will she not go to counseling with me? I don’t get it, because if someone is on your mind this much and all you want is for them to hold you at night, then why don’t you want to make the relationship work?  I do not understand her.  I do need some loose ends tied up though so I can move on, so I really can’t wait for the weekend to get here.  I may not comprehend things any better than I do now, but we can make some rules so I don’t have to be pissed like I am.

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Dday

So, I’ve got a week.  That’s good too, because she actually is driving me nuts.  She said that she was thinking about me in a naked way last week, and a few hours later, she called and was sarcastic and flirty, and then we lost signal so she played her game by not telling me why she couldn’t call me back (She could have quickly sent a text.) until she was going to bed.  She is mean and manipulative.  The thing is that saying that to her won’t get me anywhere.  I just want to tell her that I’m not comfortable with much of a friendship until a lot of time has elapsed.  As she makes commenting on my status and activities in addition to pictures that have me in it a religious exercise, she can stalk me since she added me last week (She had taken me off when she told me that I was selfish, negative, and creepy.).  I don’t ever click to her page and may turn off any updates from her soon.

I just need to start getting over her.  My cousin is afraid that I will sleep with her next week and then feel guilty.  She needn’t.  That I won’t do; although, I am sure that she will be seductive, which is another form of her manipulation.  When she asks me directly if I’m either still attracted to her or if I want her, I will answer honestly.  Although I do, it wouldn’t feel right even in the moment because our relationship has gotten so gamey and fucked up.  I will tell her that even though I asked twice about going to couple’s counseling, her non-answer was enough for me.  I will also explain that I just need time off and I just believed that we needed to state our intentions uninterrupted and face to face.  Using her words to “not personalize it” when I don’t contact her at all should be that she understands that in order for me to heal, I don’t want to be intimately connected.  Again, maybe next July we can see what is what, but for now, we should embark on a Christmas card relationship.

We will need parameters and ground rules.  I’m going to ask that we don’t raise our voices.  I have only done that once at the end of a VM, but she is a screamer.  I also want us to completely hear each other out, and when I ask, “What do you think of that?” I would prefer that she tell me rather than say, “I’m just listening” or “I need to process,” because I know what that yields.  She keys up for why I am wrong much, much later rather than just validating how I feel.  That approach makes me really glad that I’m not her girlfriend and makes me not want to ever have her very close.