Tag Archives: Journey

by

Fears

Many behaviors that we exhibit, which are complex and seemingly not sensical at times, are merely a function of our level of anxiety that we experience when specific in situations.  I am worried about being unable to get along for an hour, but I know that I am much more well-polished with those skills than she is.  For example, I have to see my ex-husband literally all of the time.  I am completing clinical hours after work, so he has to pick up our son after school.  It is rare that we have disagreements and I simply refuse to engage in anything similar to a power struggle with him when he explodes.  About quarterly, he annoys me with an explosion of temper, but I don’t say anything to our son.  I tell him, “I’m not going to engage with you like this,” and I probably could have done stuff like that with my ex too, but she attacks and dehumanizes with her words.  That is for her and her new girlfriend to work out 🙂

She is anxious.  She emailed me five or six times last Tuesday, and last night–very late–she did so twice and from her social media site.  When you have been with a controller and you are trained like I am, you know why she does what she does.  However, I don’t have to open the next email from her, because it’s similar to the first one.  She will not “see” anything, because I won’t open it, and if she really, really wants to share songs with me,  she can email me to my account and send one of those “read upon receipt” sending conditions.  She doesn’t attach a file, but rather says, “I like the beat in this song,” or “You’d love this song.”  Some of these contacts make me feel like she is trying to get me to add her back, but I wouldn’t do that for anything and maybe never.  Wow.  Even Shane is better with following friendship rules.

I had written in some summer entries that what you do for a living does matter.  Peter Pan introduced herself to me as a teacher, but is actually an assistant who does not work full-time.  Not only was it distasteful for her to lie for two months, but it also made her free and easy, fly-by-the-seat of your pants, screw at one in the morning before you go home attitude make a lot of sense as well.  What you do for a living effects your show-up factors.  My ex is used to everyone around her lying to her and getting away with things, so she crafts control through methods that seem legitimate.  I’m just used to her, so I simply know why she does things in the method that she does.  If she can truly switch careers next year, as she has made a good product, she will likely soften some, which will be very good for her son and those who she caretakes.

I told my shrink that because I do what I do, I may be alone forever.  She laughed, and said, “No, but you are likely to be more discerning with relationship.”  What I am really glad about is that when I’m just enjoying–not when I’m fighting or being treated badly–I don’t even think psychologically.  However, when a relationship is ending or has ended, I do know what my exes will do.  Again, I just don’t have to engage.

We need friendship ground rules.  I’ve been thinking that it could be necessary to tell her that I am am very much on-the-fence that we can be friends.  I think that we can be cool and be amiable, but I believe 1) your partner is your best friend, and 2) she is so intense that the level of friendship that she and I would have–meaning with which I am comfortable–would not be fulfilling for her.  What do I want?  Very little to be honest.

Infrequent contact seems more normal to me, as does hanging out annually or a couple of times a year.  I have to also be honest and also say that it would be much easier for me to come over to her house after snowshoeing when I have a girlfriend who is there with me.  There still exists this power differential and I don’t know if she can keep her mouth shut about sex with me.  I guess that many of these musings shall be answered after Thursday.  I have to go commute in through the snow in an hour, so I’m signing off for this day.

by

Break-up Girl

I was her last summer.  Then I succumbed to the sexual energy of my ex and we spent August and September dating again, but then I realized that I had moved through what I needed to in my miserable summer, and had my rebound that I needed as well.  Now, I’m not seeking that either.  I’m just not Break-up Girl anymore.

We saw one of my favorite performers last night.  My workout partner bought tickets and I owe her money for them.  I should have bought the opener’s flashdrive, as she was excellent, but I’ll probably just see if Panda has her albums after I get my Mac repaired.  Shit, I need to drop that off today too.

Anyway, the headliner’s sets were obviously in the stylings of Break-up Girl, so it wasn’t as peppy as I had expected.  It’s funny that one of the things that I kept thinking over and over is that her ass is as nice as my ex’es.  I turned around after a few songs and told my workout partner that she really has an incredible ass and she said, “I noticed that as soon as she turned around to switch guitars and knew that you were probably VERY happy.”   Hahahaha!  The other thing was the namesake of this blog, and that is that she is still very much entrenched in her loss of a perspective marriage and her ex-bf.  So, her show had that “getting through being without you” feel and was pretty sombre and included sad songs and ballads as well.  I would have alternated songs, but I don’t perform, so.  It was still fun.  I LOVE live music.

I’m sooooo glad to be where I am.  I know that Thursday will be weird at times, but honestly, I can just be me, and I think that really I have been comfortable with that for most of my life.  The last thing that I had to do to embrace being ok was to come out, and I think that I may tell some of that story in my church when I give the sermon in July.  I’m not sure, but I will make it personal.

I have that Boot Camp again in about an hour and a half, and then my son plays basketball–it’s his second to last game.  I have to go to the university to pick up the gold standard test of ability (used for adults) and a projective kit that I like.  She has had some trauma, and doesn’t have a car, so today is also some case management as I have to transport her to a library because the main building is closed.  I will be fried after the eval, but I also have to see my young male client at his house and get new sessions scheduled for him now that he has started sports.

Then my new friend that I have through one of my best friends who is finishing school in CA, is having me at her parents’ house for dinner and I finally get to meet her girlfriend.  My friend said that she is very sweet, so I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  Tonight we are playing quiz.  We are meeting the engineer there too.  I’m so not into her, but she is smart, so we will probably win again.  I’ll text a few more friends if my workout partner and her out-of-town company do not come to quiz.  It’s fun to win.

It’s only fun to meet good girls.  I want to go on a date.  I should join a new meetup.  I may do that, but don’t think that now is the right time, because I’d be frustrated that their times don’t work with my schedule.  It may just have to be that late spring is the time for new girls.  I don’t think that one will drop out of the sky.

by

And you haven’t changed a bit

Derivative of where I am on this leg of my journey, I had some insights before I went to bed.  My son was super cool and wished to practice his lay-ups last night, so I ran 2.25-miles.  I can start the 5K Loop Program in three-weeks, so that is good too.  Anyway, I realized that starting in 2009 when I was newly out (just two-years), I was really with Shane.  That name is probably even more accurate than the drunk.  Now, I think that although I agree that I am as my shrink suggests working toward what I want, dating Bette for arguably about a year–but, really, if someone religiously breaks up with you for four-months, it is not dating, but is being in 7th grade–wasn’t quite what I’m looking for either.  Certainly, Bette is more of a girl you can take home with you, but she isn’t one to ever be open and share–there is no vulnerability with Bette and all she knows is control.

I think that when she left the voice recording and there is this pregnant pause before she says, “on the business front,” that I knew in my heart that her dating is also what is progressing…  Then of course, she left another voice recording on Monday–probably because she had a weekend with her–saying that in all fairness she needed to talk to me before the psychic.  I called her and said that I felt the presence of another woman since December and congratulations.  She did what she always does, which listen to it (likely a couple times) and then call me back.  It was easy to talk to her.  I am reasonably sure who the girl is too, and she is not her physical type, so we shall see how long she dates her, but anyway, I didn’t ask questions about it, but congratulated her and updated her a little on  my 60-hour work weeks and the like.  She texted that night and said how proud she was of me.  She must think that I’m a little less intuitive than I am, because she’s proud that I’m not dating anyone.  I told her that I’d email her.

I did.  I thanked her for getting me motivated to get in the best shape of my life, for showing me the gifts of a dog with your son, for teaching me about getting things ready for your kid when you don’t see him and are working, and for being there when I fell completely in love and learned to be vulnerable.  I do very much value these lessons.  Then, she promptly added me to her social media site.

Umm?  Three removals and look at your son who I miss desperately?  No thanks.  I doubt that I’ll ever add her either because she took me off three times, and I told her as much.  She continued to argue.  She is a piece of work.  She also emailed me five or six times yesterday.  I’d be smoking pissed if a woman who I was newly dating did that with her ex; although, I know her well enough that she would say that we “are trying to get a friendship on track.”  However that is an interesting way to put her fervent emailing and question firing, because she also did make reference to an artist that we would listen to sometimes when we had hours of hot sex.  You could almost miss the double entendre, but I didn’t, nor did I bite, and she is still a baiter.  Another reason that she is a lot like Bette…

I finally said that I did too much talking today and I will just catch up with her next week at the event for which we have tickets.  I really don’t miss Bette, I miss our sex life, but that’s it.  We don’t live on the same planets or subscribe to the same tenants about relationships with others.

by

Writing need

I haven’t written in awhile.  I guess that when I don’t, my mind works stuff out anyway because I have been dreaming about girls for a few weeks.  They are in those shadowy, sprawling ways wherein one girl can turn into another, but I do know that because I’m just increasing my space away and getting stronger it mixes up all my relationship history in my head.  I don’t really believe the tired idiomatic phrase that time heals all wounds, but when it comes to love and lost love, it is probably the most helpful.  Additionally, I would never really run into her anyway, so I just have to work it all out silently and without seeing her.  I think that it’s best.

I would really like to have some companionship, but I don’t think until the beginning of June is it even realistic.  I have to finish up all these clinical hours, get my 30-pages through IRB, make observations every Wednesday and conduct and record my interviews, and then find another placement for next fall and spring.  Not the stuff of free time.

I still make sure that my son sees friends and plays sports though, so I don’t feel like anything is really lacking or not being met on the home front.  He kicked some ass on the basketball court yesterday too.  He also had an outdoor and one indoor playdate and I connected with an old friend.

I did something to my lower abdomen.  It probably was strained last Saturday in Boot Camp.  I’ll monitor it.  Last week was really poor on the workout scene, which tends to affect my mood.  I need to step it up this week.  I plan on starting that midday tomorrow because one of the Rec Centers is open and then I can stay on track.  I’ll see if my friend wants to join me.  At this particular location–a VERY trendy spot–there are some hot-ass straight girls to admire too, so that’s always fun.  Guess we will head to church.  I hope today is a good start to a new week.

by

Middle of winter

It’s finally gotten cold.  I wish that it would snow.  I don’t like summer fires and hope that there is something that shall ensue to help us here rid ourselves of that as a possibility.  I’ll do some snow dances.

My weekend was great.  After my son’s basketball game, I went around to several stores, but I couldn’t find nice cuts of NY strip, and by then it was getting late, so I just scaled down the menu.  (I still had a lot of cleaning to do.)  I made fusilli with roasted tomatoes and braised asparagus and chicken picata.  Of course I laid out a ton of antipasto and also made my famous salad.  I can make steak carbonara another time.  Everyone loved the food.

Then we played The Game again.  I can’t believe how hard I laughed, but because I was at a Boot Camp Saturday morning and the first five sets were based in Crossfit practices, those two things combined have made my abs hurt so bad!  I had nothing left yesterday afternoon after walking my dog, so I ate dinner with my workout partner, took a bath, and went to bed.

I feel good this morning.  The woman who moved six states away emailed again and told me that she was going to send my son a gift if it was ok.  It’s fine.  I know that she would never drink around him again, so she is also welcome to visit this summer.  I guess that now that the last two women who I have dated have actually mattered, I can work a little for amiability.  It’s easy with her, because there is no romantic love or passion there at all.

Not the case with my ex at all, and that is going to be so difficult to navigate.  I know that it’s foundational to be nice and kind to someone.  She just doesn’t seem to be able to do that with me, so it should be a non-issue, but it’s not.  I know that I deserve to be treated as well as I treat her, but the gloves are just off (Or is it my clothes?) after we hang out for awhile.  I wish that we got along, but we don’t, and she doesn’t have time for me really anyway, or would she be willing for us to see someone.  I guess that I have ultimately come to that she needs someone who is unaffected by her moods.  I’m just not that mellow.

by

Positiveness

Well, if I wasn’t finishing my degree, I do feel confident that I’m getting good at building a client-base and would have private practice work.  I would just need to get on some insurance panels.  Even clients with dark secrets and a lot going on, keep their appointments with me.  That’s good too, because when my doc is done, I will need to still do one late night and probably test on Saturdays–or at least every other one on the latter.  It’s going to be great to not be broke.

My ex sent me a voice recording today thanking me for the card that I sent her nearly two weeks ago.  I hate my mail too, so I get that.  It is going to be interesting to see her at the end of the month.  I do miss having sex with her, and I still miss the fall of 2011.  I’m sure that at some point, even those memories will fade.

I had a coming-out affair when I turned 33.  That will be six-years ago this fall.  (I had a girlfriend in high school and also one in college, but they were both covert.  I know that my Mom just pretended like she didn’t know.)  In the not-so-distant past, I had the heart-racing, oh, shit I really am gay, whirlwind love affair that fucked me up in total for a year.  I was a mess.  Looking back, it is nothing that a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic wouldn’t have remedied, but it was awful.  It took me a long time to pick up the pieces.  I can only remember my heart racing all the time when I’d think of her, and that I felt physically charged making the final few turns to her house.  I don’t have any other memories of her that are very strong.

I’m not like that with respect to my ex, which is how I know that I really did fall in love with her.  She was very kind and positive in her voice recording.  She is actually going to be a local celebrity very soon, and I think that her product, as it has two retailers now, should make her famous.  I think that if things are going that well for you, it’s probably easy to wish an ex well.  I liked her recording though, and I am glad that she and I are amiable.

 

by

Foresight

One of my friends calls me a little strega.  Her Italian grandmother was that way.  I think that must be a peasant term though, because my son has a book that obviously takes place in Eastern Europe in which part of the title is that word, but I identify and look most like my Italian side.  My friend, who is half Italian, means it like clairvoyance or what is called “being sensitive” by Proloux.

It isn’t just the whole thing with my ex who moved away, but it’s also that my recent ex emailed me yesterday.  She emailed me when I was looking at the friend across the table from me and getting ready to tell her that because she was so close with her grandmother, she should be going to the event that I have two tickets for at the end of the month.  The event involves flaky pursuits related to death.  I didn’t tell her about my tickets, because we got busy with our kids.  My ex emailed that she would keep her promise to me and would go.  I think when I was ready to ask my friend, my ex emailed.  I had intentionally left my phone in her car because I didn’t want to drag it around with me while we shopped and ate.

When you tell people that you are intuitive and that you know things, they look at you as if you’re a crackpot.  Although I have to rely on empirical, and also short-term methods at work, I do feel and notice factors that others probably pay no attention to, and I can feel energy.  The energy can be 50-miles away or six states away too.

The same friend, who I was with, who calls me strega, who has a kid eight-months older than mine said that when you are intimate with someone, some of her or him is always part of you.  I certainly have felt deaths and other things from my exes.  She is probably right.  I didn’t tell her that my ex emailed, because I would have gotten an earful.  I went back to our conversation and plans at the time.  In fact, because she is the same friend whose ex husband has cancer, I always concentrate only on her when we are together, which is typically twice a month.  When we left the store we were all shopping in, I told her that I had to tell her what I felt two-weeks ago.  I told her the whole weird story about my ex who moved though, and she said, “I knew that you’d tell me something like that.”

It wound up that I couldn’t confirm plans with my ex for the event until really late last night.  I was at my friend’s house after we shopped, and then I had to cook, walk our dog, eat, and play with my son as I promised this weekend.  He didn’t get to bed until an hour-and-a-half past his bedtime.  It would probably be nicer if I wasn’t so into good food.  Most people micro cook whatever, and I know that days are longer because I do cook.  Oh well.  Last night was a pretty late one for my son’s school night.

Initially I was a little flustered when I read the email.  Then I got to a place wherein I didn’t have to or think it appropriate either to disclose stuff, but rather emailed a few sentences.  I guess that I kinda followed suit and just did well wishes, but I also thanked her for dropping me a line and confirmed our plans.  It will be weird to have  a drink before if she’s dating someone, but I’m the one who wanted to be amiable, so.  I can’t tell if she is or not.  We should only very rarely run into each other, so I think that pleasantness is really possible.  That makes me happy given where I was when we were together.  I’m just simply ready to be vulnerable with a girl who is nice to me, and who I get along with most of the time.

On Saturday, I told my friend’s sister (We went to a bday party for a kid just three-years younger than my son.) about how I’ve changed during these nearly six-years.  I am ready for a real connection.  Passion and lust aside, I do want to seek compatible interactions.  I just still am confused how you meet girls.  I’m ready when I see her.

by

Focused Forward

My office partner is somewhat of a mystic.  I met her nearly five-years ago, and when I was talking to her f2f for the first time, I realized that she would introduce me to my next girlfriend.  It took me over a month to admit this belief and truth to her, and she said this woman’s name right away to me.  We definitely tried, but we had weird timing.  She is also five-years younger than me, but from what I understand, her current partner is older than me.  Anyway, I’m sure that if I am ever in a meeting with her again, I’ll flush probably.  There is something about her that is purely fantasy, because we probably all want the one who got away.

One time in a large ladies night venue we met by chance and we talked–screaming in each others’ ears over house music is more accurate–and when she realized that I knew well her hometown and the surrounding area she paused and said, “I can’t believe that you even know where that is,” and we just looked at each other saying nothing, but sustaining intense eye contact.  Had she not been on a date–I didn’t know that while we were talking–we probably would have had to start kissing then.  Nothing ever happened though, and my office partner told me that she was too much of a player anyway, but now she’s settled in with an older woman who has a child that her ex birthed.  My office partner does know things.

However, I do still think that working the office again, as I did for just over a year in another position with this woman is interesting.  It could be that she is right, that my time with the right woman is around the corner.  She told me that yesterday.  And yesterday at work was unreal.  I have always believed when there is dissension and discomfort or even chaos around that things are disrupted and allow for balance.  Meaning yesterday was rough, and maybe tonight there will be a super hot girl at the Rec Center Pool Party that I’m taking my son to 😉

I know that I want things to be gentle and kind with my next girlfriend.  I think that I am being gentle and kind with myself, and that is always a first step.  I agree with the Ted talk that says that you cannot be kind and gentle with others if you are not first kind and gentle with yourself.  I want to focus on moving forward and doing well.  That I can really do.  I wouldn’t mind running into a girl who is on a similar path.

by

Getting there

I wouldn’t say that I was at peace…  But, I would say that it is really nice to have absolutely no contact from my ex–well, with the exception of a bday well wish message for my son that she left last Monday–and be able to continue to realize that she didn’t work for me.  I really don’t want someone who has to complain about me all of the time when finally she has stopped throwing up something that I wrote in my face, which took her ten-months.  I’m not actually sure why 1) I went out on a date with her in the first place, and 2) I went back to her house after that date.  If someone tells you that you are going to be her friend and fires questions at you so she doesn’t have to talk, it is probably just more disarmament.

That’s an odd way to live.  Having superficial friendships with people–because they need you and ask you for advice all the time so you can play dime store psychologist, and you never share anything about you–and then when you have something tripped or you feel fearful, you get the edge in conversation by making others uncomfortable.  I certainly was on the receiving end of both of these things, but I didn’t want her advice, because I don’t need it, and I stopped letting her throw me off balance.  Her exes over the course of her adult life have desperately needed her.  I’d prefer to have a partner, but it’s not a must.  It’s just a value that I have and one that I hope that I do fulfill at some point.  And I certainly don’t need this girl to rescue or save me.

There are some qualities that I’m seeking, but one of my friends said that kind of thinking is dangerous, because it’s difficult to find someone who is seeking the same things as you.  I want to consider her feelings and be a solid girl to fall back on when things are difficult.  I think respect should be paramount for both of us.  I know a lot of things about living, but I’d love to learn more.  When the woman who moved six states away from me and I redefined as a distance relationship, I really liked traveling with her and taking in things.  The only thing that was a disconnect was that she would usually get drunk, and she was unable to hike and walk long distances.  I have learned the importance of getting away though, and that is good.

I don’t think that I took anything away that I enjoyed from my ex.  I just improved myself some.  I have become quite fit, and I think about what I can be doing early to make the evening go smoothly for my son and I.  I just changed some habits as a result of being with her.  I also got a dog for my son, which I think of as an improvement in lifestyle.

I think that I am nearly free from her now.  I dreamt that sent me several texts, and all of them were kind, but I don’t think that is going to happen.  I think that she is done with contacting me because I don’t need her advice, and we can’t be casual.  I am on my road to peace.

by

Understanding

It is interesting to me that I could feel one of my exes so viscerally last weekend and it didn’t go away–especially since she really is sick.  Although I don’t really believe in closure when something ends, I do believe that there is knowledge and some change in one’s self when a stage or journey comes to a close.  I ended things with the woman who I spent the better portion of two years with right before my bday when I turned 37 in the fall of 2011.  The roughest thing is that I didn’t have a period of transition or silence that I’m taking right now though.  I started up with my ex after three weeks, and that didn’t give me the right amount of space.  I’m hoping that delaying intimacy will give me more space when I do meet a nice girl or some nice girls.  I was only with my ex for about a year and some change, and since she would religiously remind me that I didn’t have enough in common with her and qualities that she was seeking in a long-term partnership, we only were truly together and felt safe with each other for three-months, and she always had a proviso that she would throw up in my face even then, because she didn’t like the tone of ONE of my emails.

So, I probably can’t call her the the woman who I had to email “the drunk” anymore, because she only has one glass of wine at night.  I do believe her, but I also am educated enough to know that the triggers for alcohol abuse are multifaceted, and think if she were here, or on vacation that she could not exercise moderation.  Seeing her out of control is something that I don’t want to ever do again, but my son misses her and my son is also the love of her life, so she can certainly stay with us this summer and also sleep in the bed in the basement when she makes her trip to the midwest.

She also had a cancer scare.  I’d call her Steve McQueen, because she used to remind me of his character in “The Great Escape,” but my recent ex looks too much like him, so I can’t…  I can’t come up with anything, because I really know her as just a heavy drinker.  Anyway, she is six-states away from me, so I can refer to her as that.  Medical professionals sent a piece of her thyroid away to medical testing lab, and they say that they caught it in time and there was no cancer–she got this diagnostic information yesterday, but I think since that she also had a breast biopsy last fall, that it is a matter of time.  She eats mostly all highly engineered and refined soy products and rarely cooks, and most of the time, she’d just drink when I knew her.  She stopped exercising after she moved here (where I live) within about 3-months as well, and that was back in 2008.  She is not the picture of health.

I told her that I had told my shrink last fall that I would be her friend if she was on Step 4 of a recovery program, and now fate has thrown up health issues so she must recover.  She didn’t respond to anything that I wrote.  Although when she caught me up on her last 18-months, I responded and wrote about each topic and sent words of concern and empathy.  She did not respond to any of the details that I gave her about my ex or Peter Pan.  She said something flippant.  That’s ok, but that is where I realize that my shrink is right, my ex is just scared and gets critical, but is way more of a step toward what I want than the woman who moved six states away from my son and I in 2010.   She could either be overwhelmed that my ex was the love of my life, or that I confronted her about her alcoholism.  I don’t care, because I made my peace with her.  It’s not closure, but is learning and being authentic.

Being at peace is an amazing feeling.  I told her that regardless of the choices that she made, I wouldn’t be with her because of her use of alcohol, which is scary.  Even if she is recovering, I don’t want that, because it takes a very long time and you must be clean for a good period to not experience recidivism.  I wish her health and recovery from what I hope is nothing serious, and also from the abuse of alcohol.

Then there is my ex…  It’s so complicated to be in love with someone who you can be with due to bad dynamics.  We wouldn’t have to have them either.  We could just be and she would not have to get on my case.  My shrink says it is fear, but it makes me feel so bad and inadequate.  I can’t do that.  I just can’t.  However, as I’m still on that journey and not at peace, I don’t know what it means.  I’ll wait until I understand.

by

Closure

No, that is bullshit, because I don’t believe it.  I just wanted a one word title this morning before I go into work and my night site.  People are dynamic, and as they learn, change, and have other influences which are external or result through connections with others, and they also change with respect to grieving the loss of another or a relationship.  I know myself well enough at this stage of my life that I just wait and think and act when I know that it’s right or it feels like the right thing to do.  When I was younger, I’d fly off the handle and simply react, but I’ve outgrown that.  This change is one of the main reasons that my ex and I wouldn’t work.  She says almost everything that pops into her head and is also hot-headed.  I don’t do that anymore and have learned to simply slow the hell down.

I woke up on Sunday with the drunk heavy in my mind.  After talking to a few people (close friends), I determined that maybe I should confront her in specific about her alcoholism.  Yesterday, this feeling turned to my being worried that something happened to her, so I just e-mailed her.  Turns out that she had her thyroid removed.  We have exchanged some e-mails and I certainly told her that I always worry about her health and what she does to her body that it doesn’t need.  I feel good about my contact too.  She had emailed me 8-mos ago and I only answered it now; although, I did so in a completely new thread.  She said, “I miss you both very, very much,” so this am, not wanting any mixed messages, I told her about my internship plans, my lack of desire to ever move, and that I am seeking a healthy relationship.  However, it is interesting to be back in touch with her.  We have known each other four-years this summer.  Wouldn’t that be great if I could get to this comfy level with my ex?!?  She left a bizarre message for my son on Monday morning.

I don’t believe in closure, but I’m tying up loose ends.  I’m living authentically and mindfully.  I work around the clock, but I still take time for me, connect to my son, and stay fit.  Now, over the next six-months, I want to meet some nice girls.  My cousin told me that I could delay sex about as well as I could grown horns when I was with her last night at Happy Hour.  I just want to actually know the next girl I date.  We shall see.  Or you will, as I nakedly chronicle my many years of dating here!

by

Flake with goals

I succumbed to having an internet reading done, and my number is 4, and because I’m not deep in knowledge of numerological stuff, I don’t know what it means exactly, but my chart does some shifting on Tuesday.  That would be the 22nd.  I do get that.

How the hell do you meet new girls?  I met the drunk as I have said, in a bar, and then oddly, I went to a church for the very first time in many years (And this church was brand-new to me.) two weeks after I told her that we would not only be totally broken up but cool contact for a year or more, and I prayed to meet new friends.  That is the truth.  I went to a BBQ on THAT Sunday and met my ex through an ex-colleague’s (who is hosting a Happy Hour on Monday) colleague.  My former colleague’s friend from work is best friends with my ex.  (It sure as hell is hard to blog incognito, but I am afraid that I would make clever names for everyone that would hurt anonymity.)

I texted my new couple friends who I adore yesterday.  It is her bday this weekend and she said that her girl was treating her like a princess.  That is very cool.  They met on a highway.  That is the truth as well.  They were both driving over the Continental Divide–one solo, and one with friends–and the solo one needed CDs.  She signaled the one with friends to roll down her window and said, “Do you have any music?”  The solo one was married at the time, and the other one was involved with a woman who would not be “out” and say that she was her girlfriend.  They took a year of hanging out when they both moved here before they ever dated.

My good friend met her girl at work because she womans a front desk.  Their story, which I only heard last Sunday was cute because you could spot my friend as being a lesbian from far, far away, but her girl is very feminine.  So, when my friend was not getting it, her now-girl said, “Well, my ex-wife and I used to go there for coffee.”  The rest is recent history.

My colleague and her partner who I have been hanging out with as of late met in HI.  They were working in different fields, but wound up talking a lot as when you live in that state, you are on, an island.  I don’t know which one of the islands, but they have a sweet story as well.

I don’t know how my friend that I have through another friend met her girlfriend, but my friend who was here for her bday and Christmas said that her girl is very sweet.  I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  The both seem really mellow.

You can’t really tell by looking at me that I’m gay.  I have a feminine presentation, but I’m muscular and assertive and have a very deep voice, so when someone new hangs out with me, they usually know.  They don’t know superficially though, because I just present bold and for the most part, women can be outspoken, at least in this area of the country, without drawing too much attention to themselves.  I don’t have to come out to anyone though after they have hung out with me three or four times.

My straight colleagues tend toward loving jewelry or talking about men a lot when they are more extroverted and straightforward, and I think that makes it so no one would question their sexuality.  I’m pretty friendly with everyone at work, so they know who I am, and I’m sure that they would mention a girl to me if they thought that I’d hit it off with her…  So, again, how do you meet women?

I’ll keep putting my bad, single self out there of course.  I can do that starting tomorrow at my ex-colleague’s Happy Hour too, as she has a collection of friends who she has always thought that I would hit it off with, and it’s funny to me that when her colleague was interacting with me two years ago that she thought that my ex and I were exactly the same.  My colleague told her, “You can have my friend exchange emails with your best friend, but probably nothing is going to happen because my friend is really picky.”

And I am, and I was not attracted to my ex via picture when my ex-colleague sent me one.  I thought that she had great arms and was a little bit cute, but definitely did not look like my type and looked way older than she is because she is always in the sun–you can’t do that here, because you get leathery.  My ex is not that photogenic as it turns out.  However, in one picture that she sent me much later, I thought that she had beautiful eyes.  And she does, and has the best ass that I’ve ever seen.  She was my first short girl.  Then Peter Pan was super short, but that wound up grossing me out.  I like a little heft and do really enjoy height, because you get those great legs then.  Uh oh.  Getting shallow here…  Been a month since sex, so that tends to happen as a derivative.

When I met the drunk, I told my buddy who works a front desk, “I’m going out tonight, and if she’s cute, tall, smart and funny, she is going home with me!”  And my buddy said, “Good luck with that,” in a super snotty way.  She was pissed as all get out when the drunk walked in and met my gaze and gave me a great smile.  I like that too.  I have been with three women with incredible, light-up-your-whole-face, smiles.

So, I’m ready.  I plan on riding my number waves of four, but will do so sensibly and try at least to somewhat stick to my 20 daylight dates.  I hope.  I don’t delay sex very well.

by

Save it for the cookies

I’m not sure if there is a script for this whole looking thing.  I wish that I could say that I can do completely casual for a a long time.  However, if I think back to every girl who I slept with the exception of the little liar, I have to be very attracted to a girl in order to date her.  So, when I reflect further, it’s maybe not possible to have tons of hang outs with single girls.  I don’t do well with anything open.  I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once.

Maybe it subsides when you learn that…  She chews with her mouth open or she doesn’t wash her hands with soap?  I don’t know.  I do know that as soon as I’m in a relationship with a girl, I don’t even look.  One of my best friends calls me “bizarrely monogamous.”  I just think that I work hard and pour myself into things very strongly, so I don’t have energy to expend that is significant in different directions.

Something interesting happened with one of my clients lately.  She told me about how she originally didn’t like a girl who became her best friend, and then over the course of a year, her “best friend” did some really shady shit to her.  I came to that she has good intuition and should not ignore it–meaning that she knows quickly who is who.  I told her that is her lesson and that is never to second-guess because she gets people quickly.

I know that I can’t follow a script, but I get people quickly too.  I won’t rush my year-before-living-together, but I will trust that I know.  My ex did push and pull and wordsmithed what I wrote and later what I said within two weeks.  The little liar just didn’t “feel right” to me and I succumbed to her pursuit games.  And hell, I met the drunk, in a BAR!  I wish that there was a factory approach to finding an incredible girl, but it just doesn’t seem to work that way in the world of dating.

by

Peeps

Well, I get a three-day with my son this weekend, which is good.  I spent this weekend getting lots of things done, so I didn’t have as much time to clean because I also went out on Saturday.  This weekend, I should get some solitary stuff together for my son to do inside the house because his bday is next weekend and we should save money.  I have Happy Hour on Monday, so that is my adult social thing that I will do.

My friend who just turned 37 is so cool–we went out for her bday on Sat.  She has an arty way about her, but she also tends toward connecting well with the person who she is talking to.  She was very late, so I talked with one of the bartenders in this trendy spot.  He came over and said, “Can I get you something?”  I told him that I didn’t  know that my friend would be this late, and he said, “I’m like that too.”  I nodded and then said, “Oh?’  He told me about his 8-month relationship and how his girlfriend can’t stand his running late, and then I said, “Well, she is an amazing person, and we all have faults so I don’t really care about this fact.”  He smiled and laughed.  I elaborated and explained how if you are basically a good person and just do one thing, and you probably don’t always do it, as long as it isn’t a dealbreaker, it doesn’t affect anything that much.  He said, “Well, I didn’t ever come to her late until after 3-months.”  I told him that everyone does nice things for three-months, and if he really wants to change this fact about himself, he can develop new habits.  He said, “I was so fucking bored.  Some of the people who come in here are…  You’re so for real!”  I congratulated him on his 8-months and he bought me a drink.  Because she got there an hour-and-a-half past our start time, I was there for five-hours.  They have cool art though, and we enjoyed that and brilliant conversation.

I talked to one of the soloists at church yesterday.  In fact, we had a long conversation.  She is soft butch and has incredible eyes.  She and her partner have two kids.  She works for an agency in private practice and has all her clinical hours done too.  Anyway, she asked if my bday twin was my gf.  I said, “No, she’s straight, and I outgrew that at 22.  I’m also very single.”  She has been with her partner for five-years and married for three, and she said, “I have outgrown that too, but it just took me awhile.”  I told her that from the security point, that it is heartbreaking for me, so I will not be doing it, and she talked about the thrill of the catch.  I realized that I have really gotten old.

Five couples will be at the dinner party next month.  After you hang out with that many happy people, you have to have some good energy.  One of my friends who is coming said, “I think it’s lesbian osmosis.”  I laughed and thought that was pretty good, but what I really want to do in general is be around people who I can laugh with and feel their happiness.  One of my good friends and her gf came over for dinner last night so that my first introduction to her would not be the party, and they are really into each other, but they are new. Lots of things will settle in this year and her girl is a major extrovert and my buddy is very private, and quiet.  I’m not sure how that dynamic will be for the long haul, but my friend and I have been friends for five-years, so it would have been really weird not to invite her.  One of the other couples does nearly the commute that I just had.  They are extremely happy too, because they made an incredible impression on my friend who was home for her bday and the holidays, so I think that it will be good to be with them too.

I like to be around happy people.  I like to joke lightly with folks when they get too serious or they don’t see the humor in lots of situations.  I like stimulating conversation and want to share some of my hobbies with a woman.  I especially want to cook for her. As I begin these pre-dating ventures, I will bring a buffer person or couple to my house, so that when I’m going to bed, I can just say, “Well, goodnight everyone,” and get coats.  I’m not about to engage in physical intimacy until I have some good data about a girl, and good or bad, that does take time.

by

Weekender

We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

by

Goodness

I had a wonderful day at work yesterday and it felt like a different planet in comparison.  I’m grateful for it.  This night is pretty long for me and I work 11-hours, but I will always hold that working even 14 is waaaay easier than parenting.  That is a full-time job that can push every single button that you have and never ceases.

I’m trying to get my dinner party scheduled.  I was excited to do it over President’s Day, but one couple is going to be out of town.  This was the first holiday weekend that I would not have my son all school year too.  I’m hoping that two weeks earlier will work for all the other couples.

I have a little cold.  Everyone at work is really sick, and I am doing well with just getting extra sleep and eating a ton.  I must have some issues about that though, because I had a weird dream wherein I got together with a friend who I have not seen since June and she was saying to me, “You sure lost a lot of weight quickly and now you gained it back.”  In the dream, I knew that I really hadn’t gained any weight, but kept looking at the legs of my jeans anyway.  I guess that means that although I get home really late tonight, that I need to do cardio.  I will.  It’s not that I’m neurotic about exercise, I can skip, but skipping often makes me feel weird if it goes on for days at a time.  I’m well enough to workout tonight.

This particular friend who I dreamt about and I have had some major differences over the years, but the good thing is that we were able to talk about them.  I don’t trust her explicitly, but I like to hang out with her on occasion and we laugh.  She is the one who worked with the woman who introduced me to my ex ultimately.  She said that she is hosting a happy hour in a couple of weeks.  I will go if it happens.  She is really funny, but I don’t like her treatment of her husband and she talks a ton of smack about people and used to keep folks around for comic relief.  That’s not my thing.  I have a close circle of friends, and don’t need to surround myself with people who I have to feel superior to, because I like to be with people who are easy and fun.

I woke up happy without the aid of the alarm.  I have been up an hour so far.  I’m trying to troubleshoot some problems with my laptop on my own, but may call for support this weekend.  I don’t even have class this weekend!  I need to see who I can eat dinner with on Saturday night.  The one friend with whom I wanted to connect is now out of town, so we shall see.  I don’t want to work and organize all weekend, but would rather keep things in balance.  I feel very good about where I am right now and want to stay here as well as possible.

One of my next goals is that I really want to expand my circle of lesbians and have been wanting to for sometime.  It seems like when they get a new relationship, they really do drop away.  Hopefully, if their relationships continue on a smooth trajectory, they will reach out.  One of my friends has been dating the same girl since late summer and I haven’t even met her yet, and she has been my buddy for five-years!  As I am a firm believer in energy, I want to be surrounded by solid couple energy, so I really hope that I can get all the couples at my dinner party.  I know that we will have fun.  I want to do lots of things to keep this goodness ride goin’

by

Control

I think that I get what I can and can’t control.  You can’t control the way that someone treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and sometimes your reaction is, “I can’t hang out with you,” and that is what I have chosen.  It may be that at the end of February, that my ex and I do go to that show together, but that works well for me and I can even get a cab there if I want because the venue is a very short distance from my house.  (I do really love where I live.)  However, I can say with complete confidence that I won’t be going up there for any reason other than a complete emergency.

It is really wonderful that since I told my ex that I couldn’t even approximate dating because of the way that I feel afterward, she has really not said boo.  She won’t this time, and I can tell, because I may not know her well, but I know exactly how she treats people.  She may not even e-mail at the end of next month, so in that case, I will need to think of someone who should come with me. It really should be my friend who now lives in CA, but she is in an aggressive school program.  I’ll think of someone.

Ultimately, she couldn’t control anything about me.  Certainly she did aggressive and passive aggressive things to me, but those won’t happen anymore either.  It was funny that she always told me that I wasn’t accountable, but I kept wanting to talk to her on the phone since the last time that I saw her and after my asking her three times when a good night was, but wouldn’t even say that she was too busy, but simply wouldn’t answer that question.  I used to think that this stuff was gamey, but it was really just another method of controlling the situation.

I have all the hindsight that I need.  Ever since she started her monthly break-ups, I have written.  Each month I would try to make changes, but mostly what she wanted to change was something that I couldn’t and it was one e-mail that I sent (out of over 40) that she didn’t like because she said it sounded casual.  That is so bizarre.  Then what she did even after she wouldn’t talk about the e-mail in particular is throw up roadblocks.  All of these left me feeling like I was being treated casually.

We never dealt with any issues or talked anything through.  I don’t think that she can either.  She can communicate anger really well, but can’t own when she is upset or work through anything which results in compromise.  I watched her do this dance all the time with work situations, and it’s interesting that there are also people with whom she was extremely close in a personal realm who no longer speak to her.  She can communicate clearly boundaries, and anger, but working through hard things with someone is NOT something that I ever witnessed her being able to do.  Again, it’s her way or there is a punishing that ensues and does not cease.  I would never want to be with her again even if she said that she would really go to counseling.  I’m done.

It is so good to have all of this silence.  And she doesn’t get into touch at all anymore, and somehow, I just know that she won’t.  I can’t control her reaction to me if she runs into me by chance, but I can control my pleasant smile that I will give.  I’m still so glad that I loved that deeply; although, there was nothing in that experience that I could control.  That is the thing that I have yielded from this part of my journey.  I can love fully without any guarantees.

 

by

Wholehearted

There is a social work professor who gives some of those Ted talks in addition to seminars and the like, and although I do have her book, I have not begun reading it yet, but I plan to as she talks about living with true courage and the belief that we are truly worthy of love and belonging.  Being somewhat skeptical naturally, I tend toward thinking that just reading those words sounds much like Stuart Smalley, with the assertion that “I’m smart enough.  I’m good enough, and dammit people like me!”  However, she does not sound cheesy at all, and she boldly talks about her own journey to understand connection and vulnerability.  This seeking is exactly where I am on this leg of my journey.

I was utterly and nakedly vulnerable in my last relationship.  I exposed my whole heart and loved fully, which turned out to hurt a lot, but does not leave me feeling hollow now.  The reason being that I changed as a result of loving completely and fully and I worked harder for her than I ever have in any relationship and it was less than one year.  I’ve had much longer term relationships; although, admittedly I have not in the last five years.  But, I know that time doesn’t actually matter.  Even though it does take an entire year to get to know a woman, it is possible to have all of your passions completely ignited, which if you are connected to her can lead to significant intimacy.  That didn’t freak me out in the least, but it did her, so we really never had a commitment or did we courageously say that we are building a future.

I realized yesterday after our friends left, that control and also keeping me at arm’s length was a way of never being vulnerable and led to her feeling comfortable in our situation.  I’m still unsure if I completely understand the negative commenting and insensitivity, but I do know that because I am good to myself every single day that leads me to being a whole and kind person.

by

Adjustments

I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex.  I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar.  It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily.  Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.

I get that takes time.  It takes a year.  But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight.  So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think.  I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me.  However, I do love music.  In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.

We hiked and sledded yesterday.  My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically.  (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape.  And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.)  My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast.  She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.

Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad.  They have two kiddos.  I’ve known them 18-years.  I think that we will have fun.

I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends.  She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable.  My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship.  Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex.  You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier.  So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.

I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well.  In fact, I pretty much do.  My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him.  My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight.  Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent.  I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped.  There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking.  She also used to throw the leash down.  I definitely get that type of response!

Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single.  However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed.  Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper.  The latter is not pretty.  I’m done, done now.  I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too.  I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it.  When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me.  So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.

I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating.  Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least.  I still want a girl who wants to be with me.

by

Kindness

It’s not hard for me.  Naturally good to other people is something that I get a lot of joy from because I like to see people laughing and enjoying.  I think that I’ll have a dinner party and invite three couples.  I can’t think of any way to meet good girls except through people.  It’s kinda like a sprawling connection thing too, because when you have folks over at your house, you can create new energy, and when they are happy couples, it’s actually good energy.  That’s what I think has been eluding me tbh too.

Because I think that in my last two relationships, I was with girls who really aren’t in good moods most of the time.  One is just dark and has not dealt with her trauma, and the other one is so obsessed with appearance (being in sales) that she feigns happiness all the time and outside of her son, there is no one good enough for her to be happy around.  Sounds like the latter behavior is masking some stuff, but I don’t need to dwell there because we are not together, and will won’t be in the future.

I’m going to cultivate energy that is not only positive, but is full of love.  I’d rather be around happy people.  I’d rather find a happy girl or at least one who is willing to own emotion rather than run from it or allow it to seep out in a displaced fashion.  The same anthropologist’s talk who I referenced earlier in the week said that we are not designed to be happy.  I do think that we have ranges of emotions, but I’d rather be positive with things or at least moving forward.

by

Yikes

My son got up at 4:50 today, and I can’t recall a single school day when this type of wake-up call has been met for him.  He brought home a small cold too so it’s going to be a lovely night for me to see clients.  I was furious.  If he’s going to get up that early, he needs to remember not to make it my problem.  It’s dark and cold and I had to unlock the deadbolt and tether the dog just before 5:30 in the morning so she could potty.  I think that he finally gets it.  He was crying when I was furious, but then he said that he wasn’t crying.  When I calm down and have some coffee, I will talk with him, because I’d like him to follow rules and also know that it is ok to cry.  We have to take things from his room to the basement today and then next Wednesday when I go to multiple locations, I can let the mother who I know look through his books and toys to see what she’d like and I’ll take the rest to the ARC on the weekend.  I’m already thinking about next weekend because today is going to be so hard with very little sleep, so I’m planning on things that will make me feel better.  I do love getting organized.

My ex sent one of those voice recording things via text two-days ago.  It was super nicey-nicey and made me want to vomit.  So, instead, I ignored it, because that is a derivative of her moods and I know about those way too well.  Not just because she and I spent 10-months together, but also because that is how my Dad was when I was growing up.  He would explode on us and act really scary and then feel some sort of guilt and present super pleasant.

Call me crazy, but I’d prefer some neutrality.  You don’t have to show up like a binary switch–meaning that you are either saying horrible shit to someone and or yelling, or be sweet as pie.  Balance is the only way to roll.

She baits; although, she says that she doesn’t.  The only reason that she had sent a voice recording was so that she could omit the fact that an empty shoebox was sent her way and had $5.30 worth of stamps inside of it.  I just want my best pair of Birkenstock loafers back.  No need for a note or anything.  She apparently must have bought my son a Christmas present because she said that she had a little package to send and Happy New Year.  Puke.

One of my friends chatted a bit with me last night.  She said that working and doing stuff for school all of the time sounds really lonely.  I explained to her that I’m hanging out with my lesbian friends and although they don’t have anyone that they can introduce me to, it’s good for me to be around happy couples and if they ever did meet someone who they could introduce me to, they would know that I’m there.  I also plan on going to Vegas with a buddy of mine (I used to be friends with his ex-wife.) in late March.  When summer comes around, I’m going to do an outdoor group for women and maybe a book club too.  I just want to meet a bunch of girls.  I wouldn’t mind dating a few concurrently too, but won’t do that open relationship thing because I don’t like the way those feel.  I’m basing it on direct experience that I had for nearly a whole school year.

I am a nice girl.  I want to meet one.  I would prefer to wake up daily with someone.  I’ll be going on six-years of living alone because we are now in 2013.  Not impulsive or a person who does not make observations, I do tend toward making sure.  When I remarry, it will be for life.

by

The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

by

Not bad at all

I got up very early this Sunday morning, but it’s not a big deal, because I don’t have too much to take care of anyway.  I laughed really hard again last night and had such a splendid time.  When I’m with people like I was last night, they really meet my needs.  My good friend and I had about an hour to talk before one of the new couples who I’ve just started hanging out with got to my house.  I cleaned up quite a bit too.  Then we ate a salad, linguini and clam sauce, and I made veggie sausage and peppers with the best seitan product that I think is available.  I seem to make friends who are vegetarian all the time.  In fact, when I was at the Post Office yesterday I was in line between two of them who talked to me at length.

We ate the dinner and then we played this game wherein you pass four pieces of paper in a set continually to your neighbor.  The game works best played in even numbers because you alternate writing a statement or drawing a picture.  So, I would write something like, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and pass it and the three blank papers clockwise, and you’d read that statement and then draw a visual representation of some birds probably, and a hand and bush.  After you were done with your art, you’d pass the pile again leaving only your drawing exposed so that the next person has to write a statement about the picture.  After four passes, you get your statement back and it’s funny to see the story evolution.  You eventually get back yours, and you have two pictures and one other statement if you play with four people like we did last night.  Then you can lay out sequentially the story.  We laughed really hard and the couple had brought their dog too, so mine was glad to have her girlfriend.  (They had hiked two weeks ago together.)

I’ll probably keep saying it…  I don’t desire a clone, but rather want a woman who is good to me.  Kindness is not that tough.  I don’t think that assuming the best really is either prior to living together for a longer period.  I do think that in time, little things start to bug someone.  I like the talk that I watched given by an anthropologist who said that you are able to get a significant dopamine hit many years into your relationship by varying your sexual routines or simply laughing a whole bunch.  I love the latter and definitely am looking for that in my next girlfriend too.  It is work to make me laugh, but it’s really easy for me because I can read people easily, so I can fairly quickly gauge what they will find funny.

I’m going out on NYE.  I want to find a good, smaller venue like I was in last year.  I can’t stomach the huge dance club and really don’t desire any Dickensian Lesbian Nightmares.  However, I can stomach meeting some nice girls to talk to and getting some numbers and the like.  I’m sure that there are funny nice ones all over the city.

by

Sweet Spot

Good, solid sleep, tons of laughs last night, and nothing urgent to take care of today leads to bliss.  I’m not going to do anything but make a self-addressed postage ready shoebox and take my dog to the Dog Park.  I need to retrieve my best pair of Birkenstocks.  Otherwise, I plan on cleaning, organizing, paying bills, and doing one simple write up that will take me 15-minutes.  I think that I will cook a few meals too.  I have decided not to drive anywhere far away today.  My son and I are spending the entirety of NYD on a farm, so I don’t need to go anywhere in particular today.  I have my easy three weight sets, but that won’t take much time.  I also need to really start squaring away my house.  I want to be done with that chore by Monday afternoon.

I got that perfect amount of sleep last night.  I feel pretty good today less a little headache and very slight sore throat, but I think that’s just because having my humidifiers set up needs to happen.  I can probably do that today.  One of my best friends is coming over for dinner tonight.  She is pretty amazing and has lived in HI and in CA for sometime, and is just home for a bday and Christmas trip.  She is my water and dog person friend.  We should do her chart tonight as that seems odd for a Cap.  She probably has a Water Moon as do I, or has an Ascendant that is water-based.

Someone read my entire blog, and that has never happened.  I keep wondering if it’s an ex.  I’m kinda an ex-collector, sadly, and it is as a reader aptly put–although I can’t accurately quote–you don’t have to keep a staple around for a decade when you know it isn’t really going to nourish you and feed your soul long-term.  It reminded me of when I was lamenting my 2009 – 2012 relationships and my psychologist who I pay said, “You didn’t marry either of them.”  And that’s true.

I had coffee with a fellow student and soon-to-be MH colleague, and she told me that regardless of how beat up I felt in my last relationship as a result of being constantly criticized and sized-up in general, that I have to remember that in addition to needing to control others, there are some people in this world who deep inside are not happy and don’t feel like they are good enough or simply worthwhile.  She told me that sometimes these people need to disparage others to simply know that they are better.  Another reader wrote that when you are with a “fault finder”–I love that phrase, btw–they get into your head and undermine your sense of self and your role in your relationships.  I’m grateful to have only been with one in 38-years.

My lessons are to stay fit and get good food and sleep.  I also want to avoid sizing others up or criticizing others in their journey.  I do realize that some people’s lives would not work for me, but unless they bitch about it all the time, it is working (somehow) for them.  I just am.  I don’t have the desire to feel better than anyone else.  I can wish everyone well and be neutral or just avoid people who tend to not feed my spirit.

by

New feelings

I didn’t feel like I do now after my coming out affair ended, and I definitely didn’t feel this way after I ended it with the drunk.  Then I was ecstatic, which wasn’t all that good because I started communicating with my ex pretty close to right afterward.  I need some down time to just reflect on what I want before I date again.  I didn’t do that last time around, which is why they were both controllers, addicts in their own ways, and not communicative.

I need to be outside.  I need to laugh like I did tonight.  I need stimulation and connection like I had over coffee.  I need to be attracted to a girl and for her to find me attractive too, so we can have that chemical hit when we connect.  I learned today while reading some research that when you get away, vary your routine, or add a lot of laughs and ease that you can have sex like you did in your first year within your ltr.  That gives me hope.  Also hopeful is that I have some new friends who deeply love each other and have been in an ltr for years.  I want that.  I don’t like the fade.

I also don’t like feeling sad.  It’s finally completely over, and I know it.  It’s different this time and we probably won’t see each other for a really long time.  The latter is ok because then I’m hoping that her rage toward me has subsided somewhat.

I’m culpable only for not wanting to put up with ill treatment, but she’s not used to anyone challenging her or even disagreeing with her.  I’ve watched her say, “He is pissing me off calling all the time.  I think that he just needs me more than I do him,” about her best friend, and I have seen her have periods of silence with her manager wherein it just has to blow over because she does not budge or try to talk through work conflicts.  That’s what she’s used to.  In fact, I recall when we were working in a couple’s book that she had never been broken up with ever anyway.  And I didn’t really break up with her, because she started this dance over a year ago and I just buckled and started agreeing with her after three-months of break-ups.

Being pushed away just is deadly.  I was so demoralized for so long and really wondering why I was such a bad person?  I do think that you can be mismatched with someone, but really I do think that some people just naturally find faults.  I don’t want that because I really have a belief that everyone is doing the very best that she or he can with what they’ve got.  That belief includes me, because I always try the very best that I’m able.