Tag Archives: Learning

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Weekender

We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

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Goodness

I had a wonderful day at work yesterday and it felt like a different planet in comparison.  I’m grateful for it.  This night is pretty long for me and I work 11-hours, but I will always hold that working even 14 is waaaay easier than parenting.  That is a full-time job that can push every single button that you have and never ceases.

I’m trying to get my dinner party scheduled.  I was excited to do it over President’s Day, but one couple is going to be out of town.  This was the first holiday weekend that I would not have my son all school year too.  I’m hoping that two weeks earlier will work for all the other couples.

I have a little cold.  Everyone at work is really sick, and I am doing well with just getting extra sleep and eating a ton.  I must have some issues about that though, because I had a weird dream wherein I got together with a friend who I have not seen since June and she was saying to me, “You sure lost a lot of weight quickly and now you gained it back.”  In the dream, I knew that I really hadn’t gained any weight, but kept looking at the legs of my jeans anyway.  I guess that means that although I get home really late tonight, that I need to do cardio.  I will.  It’s not that I’m neurotic about exercise, I can skip, but skipping often makes me feel weird if it goes on for days at a time.  I’m well enough to workout tonight.

This particular friend who I dreamt about and I have had some major differences over the years, but the good thing is that we were able to talk about them.  I don’t trust her explicitly, but I like to hang out with her on occasion and we laugh.  She is the one who worked with the woman who introduced me to my ex ultimately.  She said that she is hosting a happy hour in a couple of weeks.  I will go if it happens.  She is really funny, but I don’t like her treatment of her husband and she talks a ton of smack about people and used to keep folks around for comic relief.  That’s not my thing.  I have a close circle of friends, and don’t need to surround myself with people who I have to feel superior to, because I like to be with people who are easy and fun.

I woke up happy without the aid of the alarm.  I have been up an hour so far.  I’m trying to troubleshoot some problems with my laptop on my own, but may call for support this weekend.  I don’t even have class this weekend!  I need to see who I can eat dinner with on Saturday night.  The one friend with whom I wanted to connect is now out of town, so we shall see.  I don’t want to work and organize all weekend, but would rather keep things in balance.  I feel very good about where I am right now and want to stay here as well as possible.

One of my next goals is that I really want to expand my circle of lesbians and have been wanting to for sometime.  It seems like when they get a new relationship, they really do drop away.  Hopefully, if their relationships continue on a smooth trajectory, they will reach out.  One of my friends has been dating the same girl since late summer and I haven’t even met her yet, and she has been my buddy for five-years!  As I am a firm believer in energy, I want to be surrounded by solid couple energy, so I really hope that I can get all the couples at my dinner party.  I know that we will have fun.  I want to do lots of things to keep this goodness ride goin’

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Control

I think that I get what I can and can’t control.  You can’t control the way that someone treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and sometimes your reaction is, “I can’t hang out with you,” and that is what I have chosen.  It may be that at the end of February, that my ex and I do go to that show together, but that works well for me and I can even get a cab there if I want because the venue is a very short distance from my house.  (I do really love where I live.)  However, I can say with complete confidence that I won’t be going up there for any reason other than a complete emergency.

It is really wonderful that since I told my ex that I couldn’t even approximate dating because of the way that I feel afterward, she has really not said boo.  She won’t this time, and I can tell, because I may not know her well, but I know exactly how she treats people.  She may not even e-mail at the end of next month, so in that case, I will need to think of someone who should come with me. It really should be my friend who now lives in CA, but she is in an aggressive school program.  I’ll think of someone.

Ultimately, she couldn’t control anything about me.  Certainly she did aggressive and passive aggressive things to me, but those won’t happen anymore either.  It was funny that she always told me that I wasn’t accountable, but I kept wanting to talk to her on the phone since the last time that I saw her and after my asking her three times when a good night was, but wouldn’t even say that she was too busy, but simply wouldn’t answer that question.  I used to think that this stuff was gamey, but it was really just another method of controlling the situation.

I have all the hindsight that I need.  Ever since she started her monthly break-ups, I have written.  Each month I would try to make changes, but mostly what she wanted to change was something that I couldn’t and it was one e-mail that I sent (out of over 40) that she didn’t like because she said it sounded casual.  That is so bizarre.  Then what she did even after she wouldn’t talk about the e-mail in particular is throw up roadblocks.  All of these left me feeling like I was being treated casually.

We never dealt with any issues or talked anything through.  I don’t think that she can either.  She can communicate anger really well, but can’t own when she is upset or work through anything which results in compromise.  I watched her do this dance all the time with work situations, and it’s interesting that there are also people with whom she was extremely close in a personal realm who no longer speak to her.  She can communicate clearly boundaries, and anger, but working through hard things with someone is NOT something that I ever witnessed her being able to do.  Again, it’s her way or there is a punishing that ensues and does not cease.  I would never want to be with her again even if she said that she would really go to counseling.  I’m done.

It is so good to have all of this silence.  And she doesn’t get into touch at all anymore, and somehow, I just know that she won’t.  I can’t control her reaction to me if she runs into me by chance, but I can control my pleasant smile that I will give.  I’m still so glad that I loved that deeply; although, there was nothing in that experience that I could control.  That is the thing that I have yielded from this part of my journey.  I can love fully without any guarantees.

 

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Wholehearted

There is a social work professor who gives some of those Ted talks in addition to seminars and the like, and although I do have her book, I have not begun reading it yet, but I plan to as she talks about living with true courage and the belief that we are truly worthy of love and belonging.  Being somewhat skeptical naturally, I tend toward thinking that just reading those words sounds much like Stuart Smalley, with the assertion that “I’m smart enough.  I’m good enough, and dammit people like me!”  However, she does not sound cheesy at all, and she boldly talks about her own journey to understand connection and vulnerability.  This seeking is exactly where I am on this leg of my journey.

I was utterly and nakedly vulnerable in my last relationship.  I exposed my whole heart and loved fully, which turned out to hurt a lot, but does not leave me feeling hollow now.  The reason being that I changed as a result of loving completely and fully and I worked harder for her than I ever have in any relationship and it was less than one year.  I’ve had much longer term relationships; although, admittedly I have not in the last five years.  But, I know that time doesn’t actually matter.  Even though it does take an entire year to get to know a woman, it is possible to have all of your passions completely ignited, which if you are connected to her can lead to significant intimacy.  That didn’t freak me out in the least, but it did her, so we really never had a commitment or did we courageously say that we are building a future.

I realized yesterday after our friends left, that control and also keeping me at arm’s length was a way of never being vulnerable and led to her feeling comfortable in our situation.  I’m still unsure if I completely understand the negative commenting and insensitivity, but I do know that because I am good to myself every single day that leads me to being a whole and kind person.

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Kindness

It’s not hard for me.  Naturally good to other people is something that I get a lot of joy from because I like to see people laughing and enjoying.  I think that I’ll have a dinner party and invite three couples.  I can’t think of any way to meet good girls except through people.  It’s kinda like a sprawling connection thing too, because when you have folks over at your house, you can create new energy, and when they are happy couples, it’s actually good energy.  That’s what I think has been eluding me tbh too.

Because I think that in my last two relationships, I was with girls who really aren’t in good moods most of the time.  One is just dark and has not dealt with her trauma, and the other one is so obsessed with appearance (being in sales) that she feigns happiness all the time and outside of her son, there is no one good enough for her to be happy around.  Sounds like the latter behavior is masking some stuff, but I don’t need to dwell there because we are not together, and will won’t be in the future.

I’m going to cultivate energy that is not only positive, but is full of love.  I’d rather be around happy people.  I’d rather find a happy girl or at least one who is willing to own emotion rather than run from it or allow it to seep out in a displaced fashion.  The same anthropologist’s talk who I referenced earlier in the week said that we are not designed to be happy.  I do think that we have ranges of emotions, but I’d rather be positive with things or at least moving forward.

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The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

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Not bad at all

I got up very early this Sunday morning, but it’s not a big deal, because I don’t have too much to take care of anyway.  I laughed really hard again last night and had such a splendid time.  When I’m with people like I was last night, they really meet my needs.  My good friend and I had about an hour to talk before one of the new couples who I’ve just started hanging out with got to my house.  I cleaned up quite a bit too.  Then we ate a salad, linguini and clam sauce, and I made veggie sausage and peppers with the best seitan product that I think is available.  I seem to make friends who are vegetarian all the time.  In fact, when I was at the Post Office yesterday I was in line between two of them who talked to me at length.

We ate the dinner and then we played this game wherein you pass four pieces of paper in a set continually to your neighbor.  The game works best played in even numbers because you alternate writing a statement or drawing a picture.  So, I would write something like, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and pass it and the three blank papers clockwise, and you’d read that statement and then draw a visual representation of some birds probably, and a hand and bush.  After you were done with your art, you’d pass the pile again leaving only your drawing exposed so that the next person has to write a statement about the picture.  After four passes, you get your statement back and it’s funny to see the story evolution.  You eventually get back yours, and you have two pictures and one other statement if you play with four people like we did last night.  Then you can lay out sequentially the story.  We laughed really hard and the couple had brought their dog too, so mine was glad to have her girlfriend.  (They had hiked two weeks ago together.)

I’ll probably keep saying it…  I don’t desire a clone, but rather want a woman who is good to me.  Kindness is not that tough.  I don’t think that assuming the best really is either prior to living together for a longer period.  I do think that in time, little things start to bug someone.  I like the talk that I watched given by an anthropologist who said that you are able to get a significant dopamine hit many years into your relationship by varying your sexual routines or simply laughing a whole bunch.  I love the latter and definitely am looking for that in my next girlfriend too.  It is work to make me laugh, but it’s really easy for me because I can read people easily, so I can fairly quickly gauge what they will find funny.

I’m going out on NYE.  I want to find a good, smaller venue like I was in last year.  I can’t stomach the huge dance club and really don’t desire any Dickensian Lesbian Nightmares.  However, I can stomach meeting some nice girls to talk to and getting some numbers and the like.  I’m sure that there are funny nice ones all over the city.

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New feelings

I didn’t feel like I do now after my coming out affair ended, and I definitely didn’t feel this way after I ended it with the drunk.  Then I was ecstatic, which wasn’t all that good because I started communicating with my ex pretty close to right afterward.  I need some down time to just reflect on what I want before I date again.  I didn’t do that last time around, which is why they were both controllers, addicts in their own ways, and not communicative.

I need to be outside.  I need to laugh like I did tonight.  I need stimulation and connection like I had over coffee.  I need to be attracted to a girl and for her to find me attractive too, so we can have that chemical hit when we connect.  I learned today while reading some research that when you get away, vary your routine, or add a lot of laughs and ease that you can have sex like you did in your first year within your ltr.  That gives me hope.  Also hopeful is that I have some new friends who deeply love each other and have been in an ltr for years.  I want that.  I don’t like the fade.

I also don’t like feeling sad.  It’s finally completely over, and I know it.  It’s different this time and we probably won’t see each other for a really long time.  The latter is ok because then I’m hoping that her rage toward me has subsided somewhat.

I’m culpable only for not wanting to put up with ill treatment, but she’s not used to anyone challenging her or even disagreeing with her.  I’ve watched her say, “He is pissing me off calling all the time.  I think that he just needs me more than I do him,” about her best friend, and I have seen her have periods of silence with her manager wherein it just has to blow over because she does not budge or try to talk through work conflicts.  That’s what she’s used to.  In fact, I recall when we were working in a couple’s book that she had never been broken up with ever anyway.  And I didn’t really break up with her, because she started this dance over a year ago and I just buckled and started agreeing with her after three-months of break-ups.

Being pushed away just is deadly.  I was so demoralized for so long and really wondering why I was such a bad person?  I do think that you can be mismatched with someone, but really I do think that some people just naturally find faults.  I don’t want that because I really have a belief that everyone is doing the very best that she or he can with what they’ve got.  That belief includes me, because I always try the very best that I’m able.

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Some things are not ok

When I first started out working with children and families, I saw this sign and it said, “It’s ok to be mad, it is not ok to be mean.”  And that is really true.  I will be the first to admit that I often lose it when I ask my son an inordinate amount of times to cease snotty tones, backtalk, or task refusal, but when I am dealing with a lot of things, I don’t ignore it, I talk about it.  I certainly don’t say passive-aggressive or degrading things to the woman who I’m sleeping with.

The drunk used to lose her temper and always apologized.  Now, when she was loaded, she never remembered stuff that she did, but when I was getting ready to fly back and she was edgy and sad, she would get pissy and short.  The thing is that she always apologized and nine times out of ten, and she usually said that the reason was because we were so far apart and she knew that I was leaving.

My ex gets remote when I leave her house, but the thing is when stuff goes badly for her, she will not talk about it at all.  I try and try to get her to talk, but to no avail.  Last weekend, I just held her tight because I knew that she wouldn’t talk.  So, what things did she talk about when her defenses were down?  All her ex’s good qualities, and then she told me that I was acting like a dog, that I looked a certain way that she does not find attractive, and that I was unproductive.  It’s so transparent too.  I had a car accident and I am divorced completely and my properties are divided, so with that pain, I will attack the person in my bed.  WTF?  She says that I bail when things get tough.  The more accurate response is that when things get tough, she won’t talk about it, but she will criticize and be passive aggressive.

It’s ok to be sad, mad, or scared, but it is not ok when you are not wired in a way that you are able to talk about it to criticize another and say hurtful things.  I am so done.  I have actually never been this done with another human being.  We can be friends and joke around on occasion, but the girl that I’m looking for talks to me when things are scary, new, or sad.

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Deep inside a shadow

I’m getting ready.  I figured some things out and I feel like this new shift that all of us are supposed to have is happening for me as well.  It’s like emergence.  As there are no coincidences, it is fitting that I had the worse part of a mild flu last night and ran a high, shaking fever.

Everyone has patterns.  So does my ex.  She tends to be a grass is always greener kind of person, and that is where she and drunk are the same.  What she does is she is with someone and misses stuff about her most recent ex.  She used to miss sex with her ex who she had raised her other children with, and last Friday night she told me how she missed her most recent ex (besides me) because of the way she smelled and was such a woman in terms of having candles lit when she got home, etc.  I felt like saying, “Sorry it was always just dinner when we were together,” but instead when she was going on and on about her, I said, “Candles lit, looked beautiful, and dinner made?”  She said no that I was the only woman who ever cooked for her.  But, because she is now in her pattern of missing her ex, she remembers all the good qualities that I don’t have.  I can tell you that I’d rather have great, passionate sex!

The drunk was not exclusive with me until she moved six states away.  That is grass is always greener for her too.  She missed me and realized that she was in love with me when she and I went away to NM together for a weekend, but she was moving to the east coast in a month, so it was bad timing.  She didn’t tell me that she loved me either until I had flown to see her once, and she had just made love to me after she had come for a trip and visit.  At that point, the drunk had flown to visit my son and I about a month after I had visited her back east, and then she professed her love after we had a our first night together.  Although, I did love her, I was never in love with her.  I was slowly realizing that she had a problem with alcohol; honestly she loved the bottle way more than my son for sure.  And I was a distant third.

My ex loves money.  She says all the time that she is not materialistic, but she is.  She hoards material things because she fears an early death and her beautiful little boy being without as she was.  That I do get.  I don’t want my son to feel poor.  I work around the clock because of that issue of mine too.  She and I both had periods in our childhoods with periods of significant poverty.  My son has never known eating shitty food or living somewhere unsavory.  Her son will never know these things either.  So, in that way, we are driven by the same fear.

Grass is always greener and driven by desire for more.  Me?  I just want to find a sexy, bright woman who wants a resolution with me because she knows that I’m worth it.  I’m the one that she wants to build a future with and doesn’t make her feel any longing.  I’ll know when I meet her, and want to start off with let’s figure out what we both do in conflict and talk about it while we honeymoon.  She and I can figure it out…  Together.

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It’s probably always been a no brainer

I was shocked to hear her say that she would co-parent with her ex if she divorced the man and moved back.  It’s so bizarre, but the thing is that it would work for her.  I don’t want to co-parent with another person, but rather desire to live with a woman who builds a household with me.  I just think that she and I just want different things.  Saturday will come and go with no visit from her and her son, and then I will just meet her halfway or something to wish her well the following week.  We can have coffee or a drink and some laughs.  I don’t want to spend the night with someone who is nasty and says shitty things.

I haven’t met anyone who really turns my head and ignites my passions.  It’s funny because those two girls from summer–one date a piece–are obviously interested.  One keeps up contact and the other mentioned me in a comment and is now hosting a Happy Hour.  Neither do it for me at all, so that’s why I know that I have not met a girl with whom I’d like to see if we have that thing.  I am still embarrassed about my sprite-like FB from summer, who was basically a liar, but that was all just part of my journey.

What I have come to is pretty simple.  She is not who I was looking for, and although I did fall madly in love with her, and we talked futures, “our” path never involved her giving anything but just having some space for us.  Meaning that we leave our life in the city and move to a redneck, meth-stricken, semi-rural area and fit into her existing life.  When I started wondering about that, because it was something that she wasn’t controlling, we began our dance of push and pull, which was almost a year ago now.  I just need to bow out of this aspect.  We can be friends and I don’t need to sleep with her.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t need to be contrasted with a woman who moved to get over you and married a man in her mid-40s, or do I need any slights made about my appearance or method of responding to her.  I’m good.

I have never wanted this type of relationship.  I don’t want what my parents have which is rancor in a nearly 40-year commitment.  I’m looking for mutual respect and love.

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Gotta stick to it

What a weird weekend.  I was so, so, sad too.  I even cried hard on Saturday and was a little teary yesterday as well.  I have  a first grader so the news was just too much for me.  Anyway, I think that is why somethings that she said, and did, kinda hit me in waves and I have decided now that some manner of friendship is what is appropriate with a woman like her.  What she usually does is begins with our contrasts and she told me that I’m not very productive, and that’s not true, so I’m not even giving that much thought.

It started when I confronted her about what I have been feeling, and that is that she is being pursued by someone.  It’s her ex that married the man and moved away, and she said that if she divorces him and moves closer she can be a good parent to her son.  That is bizarre, because she is supposed to be mentally ill and all that, and I would want a helluva  lot more from a second mother to my own son, but what the hell do I know?  She went on and on too about the way that she smelled, how she would have candles lit, and how their lifestyles went together.  So, just reconcile with her, ok?

When she gets physical, it is seemingly out of nowhere and I can’t read it, and I don’t really initiate because that has caused us problems and then she made fun of me when I was shocked.  She also mocked the way I look with my hair up.  She is too conflicted.  I really did the right thing by breaking up with her at the end of September.  I should try to avoid sex with her when the calendar changes to a New Year too, and I think that I can very easily.

I like my improvements in physical fitness that I’ve made and will probably ask her for some advice.  I like some of the domestic things that I have adopted from being with her.  Ultimately, I want to be treated really well and loved for who I am.

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Trust the process

I had a professor in grad school–well, the first time that I went to grad school in the late 90s–and she used to say, “Trust the process,” all of the time.  She meant that we should follow interviewing principles that are structured and let the format do the work.  I do agree that summarizing is important, but following it sequentially doesn’t work.  I was thinking about the process of being single.

You really have to trust that conventional wisdom says that most of us wind up with someone.  The thing is that right now, I don’t want to be with anyone.  I want to get things done and stay on track, and I don’t want to feel badly about not seeing some girl or needing to stay focused.  I distracted myself this summer with some young and immature girl, which resulted in my being behind as soon as July ended and I was done with my vacation.  I don’t want to be back in that shitty pattern because of the need for arms around me.

Before her surgery, my most recent ex had randomly sent me a picture of my ex who was my coming out affair last month when I wasn’t contacting her and I thought that it was really bizarre.  Who does that?  I have looked at the picture several times though after she sent it, because I have told some friends that she did so, and my friends always say, “She is really pretty.”  She is.  My heart would race and race and I was worried that I would have a health problem when I was to see her.  I would be practically dumping adrenaline making the three turns from the highway to get to her house.  That was definitely a process!  When I biked with a new friend in early October, I realized that my journey with her wouldn’t be over if I truly befriended this woman who I biked with, so I e-mailed my coming out affair.  It’s good to be amiable.

I have no idea what the future for my ex and I holds.  I know that now we will be amiable, but I also know that she wants a deep friendship, and I won’t give that.  I know that I said that I won’t drive, and then I did for $50, but I really won’t be back in dating land and have contact with an ex that is consistent.  That’s shitty.  I think too that because her former partner messes with her so directly, she is now realizing that she doesn’t want anyone to have her.  Her last relationship also results in lots of contact.  That’s not me.  I’m riding the wave of trusting that if we are ever meant to be together, life will aid it, and if we are not, I don’t want another close friend.  That’s my tried and true process.

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Gratitude

I really had an incredible day today, and the only thing that would have made it better would have been to have some intimacy.  That’s it, and otherwise it was really perfect.  I got to sleep in and wound up nearly sleeping until 7, and then I got my dog to a day camp, went to my psychologist, dropped my son off at my folks’ and then I had a massage.  I didn’t even mind grocery shopping and used some of the time to talk to two different friends on different coasts.  Yay!  I made a smoked turkey, some incredible brussel sprouts whose recipe I got from friends at church, mashed potatoes and homemade gravy, and grilled carrots.  It was very good.  My Mom had made a pumpkin cheesecake that was wonderful as well.

I taught a colleague a one day weight sequence of three sets, and will show her another day of them on Friday.  I connected with my son.  I had an excellent session with my new clients.  I just think that I have tons to be grateful for and wanted to send out this wonderful energy.  To whoever reads this entry, “A very Happy Thanksgiving to You.”

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Been on the run

I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships.  I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former.  Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year.  I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily.  I don’t want rancor.

I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman.  I loved being vulnerable.  I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her.  That made me realize the possible.  Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection.  I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day.  I also keep my body in tip top shape.  Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.

With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded.  I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her.  I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me.  I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.

I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker.  I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy.  I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher.  I just like her way.  I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush.  I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open.  I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion.  My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone.  I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love.  I know that I am.

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Not the weird one

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything but that quintessential thunderbolt when I see this mystery girl.  That’s it.  Not about to chase anyone or am I begging for what I want to happen with my ex.

We had a glass of wine last night and I drove probably 40-miles round trip for 50-minutes.  I’m glad that next Thursday will be my last trip for some time.  However, if she would ask me for help, which she won’t, I would comply.  I think that she feels guilty that I’m dropping off food and synching her iPod, but that is the right thing to do and that is me.  I want her surgery to go well and for her to recover quickly.  I know that she will.  I then think that sometime in December, she will start dating.  That will be a very good experience for her too.

She was not a corpse.  She was open and fairly warm, but exhausted.  Her stress that she pretends is not there has caught up with her.  It will be a wonderful thing for her to not be able to move and be forced to just think and be.  I’m glad that she will have this time and believe that it will be helpful too.  I wasn’t remotely attracted to her though, but rather just felt compassion for what she is dealing with currently.  That approach made being across from the table from her quite comfortable for me too.

I had a situation visa vi my son blow up this week.  I had to put the “smack down” without him in attendance with his father.  My ex asked me last night about my parenting woes and I told her that I don’t want to talk about it.  She called me a compartmentalizer.  I don’t think that she gets that I’m just not willing to hear her judgmental bullshit given that we are not dating.  That in addition to her belief that I’m selfish, negative, and creepy will prevent me from ever being her friend.  However, I’m very glad that we can be amiable and share space if we have to, because I don’t want to live into this song:

 

EVERYONE gets these lyrics!  I like this video that is a queer take on the gr8 Gotye song.

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Bad Day

Although really not that bad of a day yesterday, it was definitely not my favorite.  And my son didn’t get much sleep so he was a holy terror.  Cancellation of my friend’s son coming to dinner made him cry, so he tried to play with one of my best friend’s daughters, but they are very different, so I think last night he was a little bored.  He also was in a very strange mood during the cookie decorating with his godmother and his “cousins,” so it was just an off day.  We have those.

I went to bed at a decent hour and even did 20-minutes of cardio this morning.  I explained to my son that tomorrow would be the only practice that I would miss of his because I need to get back on my weight lifting and he understood this morning saying, “Well, it’s not like you’d miss a game!”  He gets it.  He is a pretty cool kid.  Now, I’m drinking coffee and reflecting.

I get that conflict is inevitable, but I don’t want to fight dirty.  Name calling and bringing up old resentments that you never get over should not typify your fights though.  Should we ever go to counseling, I’d like to start there.  However, I must note that I have spent three-years kinda like this, because I’m sure that folks know that drunks fight just like that too.  I just don’t want that in my love relationship.

I want someone who treats me well and when I aggravate her, she and I take space and then talk about it.  I would prefer to know how long that space is, because in my last relationship it just seemed indefinite, and then I’d be waiting around and getting nervous and when I’d engage her in conversation she would either snap at me or attack.  It sucked.  I don’t want that again.  I had read once in a marriage and family textbook that couples who fight well can do the long haul, so that’s what I want the next time around.  I want to resolve conflicts.  I will look through my old entries that I have kept since 2009 and see if that is normal for me.  Have I always wanted to resolve conflicts well?

Right now in addition to really pounding homework, I need to work in counseling on what I should address and that is my need to manage feelings of rejection.  I don’t know how long the haul will be, because I feel pretty sane.  I’m not in the imbalanced dance that I was five-years ago even remotely.  However, I am on the track of self-improvement, so I would like to work on what came up for me this time around so I can go into my next venture, or go to counseling with my ex with an idea of what will help me move forward.

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Coming Out

So, it has been five-years for me…  But, that was just to make it official.  Having thought that I was supposed to have been born a boy, I just did masculine things like rough play, action figures, and bike stunts.  However, if you look at me when I was younger I look like my son with dark coloring, so it is not a surprise that I came out, but it’s very odd that I did when I did.  Honestly, I went around with my shirt off and only played with boys.  Later in 5th and 6th grade, I had some friends who were girls and then the awkwardness ensued.  I remember being aroused sitting in one girl’s house when I was about twelve, and middle school slumber parties were agony and hell.

I had sex with a girl first when I was 15.  I was with her off and on–she was off sometimes with boyfriends–but I didn’t even kiss a boy until college.  And it was weird.  I think that I’ve kissed three boys, and I don’t think that they kiss worth shit actually.  (I do know that it’s just that lack of chemistry which I have with males.)  My first girlfriend, meaning the one that I had all through hs, was mentally ill though and actually wound up in a mental hospital during what would have been our sophomore year of college.

Then, there was my college roommate.  Hot.  To be honest, I still can look at her eyes in pictures and see what I saw then.  She always had to get next to me.  The distance would get smaller and smaller.  After about three-months, we cuddled.  Then the following year, we would sleep together, but nothing physical happened beyond holding each other tight.  It was nice, but chaste.  It was not until the following fall that I was laying next to her in bed, like I usually did, but then I undressed her.  I can still remember that night, which is funny, because I have no memories that are sexual from my first girlfriend.  I remember with terror when she told me, “You know, this is the second time that this has happened to you, so did you ever consider that you are a lesbian?”  NOPE.

I so wanted to be “normal,” and never dealt with it.  I had an eleven-year relationship with a man.  We even have a kid together and we are amiable enough.

I touched her hand in 2005 and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!” which I did, successfully, for over two-years, but when my boss transferred me, it was unbearable.  Also, she is a shameless flirt!  I am really taken with those damn Geminis, although they are bad for me.  (She has a Moon in Gemini, and my lost love has an Ascendant in it.)  After about a month, we were lingering at Happy Hour after everyone had gone.  She came out to me finally.  Then we met once for a drink on the weekend and I told her, “I have had sex with a woman,” and she said, “You have?!?”  I didn’t tell her two relationships, but I did tell her all about my college girlfriend.  About this time five-years ago, we made out on her couch for two-hours.  I can remember her kisses and a few things that she taught me about sex; although, there were certainly things in my skillset as I had been with women for about 5.5 years prior to her, but she was my first lesbian.

Now, here I am…  I’m 38-years-old.  I have been out for five-years with everyone, and I believe this year marks the crossover to more years with girls than my only male stint that I will ever have.  I know people are attracted to the person, but hell no, not I.  I’m attracted to their smells, their skin, the swell of their hips, their eyes, the way they kiss and then all of the sexual aspects of  women.  That’s me.  I’m a lesbian and just over five-years ago while making lists of who I had told, and who I needed to know was getting very small.  Now there are never tears and it’s rare to even be asked, because I know, don’t have to broadcast, and have worked through internalized homophobia.  I’m gay.

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Immediacy

So, when I work with kids and also do some work with adults I sometimes have to ask them, “Where are you right now and what are you experiencing?”  That kind of in-the-moment focus helps one not drudge up the past and also aids the ability of a person to be fully present and focused on moving forward.  She came over late last night and we just enjoyed each other fully, and I also made a full breakfast this morning for both of us and my son.  One of the highlights was when my son’s dog busted into the bedroom and lain her body on her.  I told her, “That one is mine, and you’ll have to find your own.”  She loves her and it is obviously reciprocal.  We wound up being all of us piled in the bed and she held my son too.  It was a sweet morning.

Last night she told me that she wanted to get naked and I said, “Well, that sounds great to me,” and she quickly followed it up my affirmation by saying, “Well, not a naked cuddle.  My intention is to fuck, so I just want to be clear.”  I actually really like how direct she is, and still hold that hers and my sex life is incredible and would be impossible to parallel.  We had quite a lot of sex and then drifted off to music via my iPod in a docking station.  It was nice.  We would have had some more lovemaking this morning, but we got in pj’s because my son was awake and all cuddled together eventually.  I can still smell her perfume in my room and will be missing her tonight while she is in the mountains with her mother and son and some of her “adopted” family.

I told her that I just want to hang out with her.  She told me that she just has to be sure.  I told her that there is no “for sure” things, but that I’m not about to bottom line our situation or think that she should trust me within 6-months.  She said that if I gave her an ultimatum, she would bounce.  I didn’t remind her that I told her that I didn’t want to continue after we had tried to reconnect in July and she presented like a corpse, and that it was she who continued to contact me constantly.  I honestly thought because I had hooked up with a girl a few times, and also had two different dates with two different girls that we would never speak again.  Then she got it, and that was if we truly were operating with immediacy, we need to just enjoy and not be so damn guarded.  Saying, “my intention is to fuck” is a great start.  We need to stay here…  Laughing, talking, enjoying each other and our intimacy as best as we are able given very busy and separate lives.

I still love her and told her all last night and this morning.  We do love each other.  We do have incredible amounts of passion and wonderful intimacy in convo and also the sexual realm.  I know that we are in love, and hope that we have the ability for a commitment.  She told me that I treat her better, am not selfish, and say things that are sweeter and sound different than they did before.  She is still grieving her loss, working on finalizing all aspects of her “divorce” from her partner who she has not been with in 7-years, and just wants me, to be me.  I can do that.  It’s the only way I know.

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NOT who I’m looking for

I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl.  We need to go back to a friendship.  To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating.  Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development.  It’s too relationship-oriented for me too.  If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth.  But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex.  I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.

Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing.  I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her.  I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek.  Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.

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Willpower

It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her.  I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it.  So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me.  It’s sad, because she does this…  She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact.  My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.

My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect.  Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel.  She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again.  There are some things that I must accept about her.  She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.

I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me.  She is sweet.  She is earnest.  She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me.  I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me.  I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking.  I still am looking for a compatible partner.

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Growth

I got mad at her last night, and I’m not going to lie.  She told me all about what her housemate and she have decided about dating a mother, and I told her in addition to neither of them not being parents that they really don’t need to make me out to be a Springer episode.  And they don’t.  We aren’t doing family time, and the latter was only done with my ex because it was the first and only time that I fell head-over-heels in love and believed in a one.  Also, I loved, loved, loved her son, and really can’t click to her social media page because I don’t want to see him.  I loved him and I still do and probably wouldn’t have put up with her shit as much with no backlash had I not felt so connected to him.

Now, I want concerns to be dealt with right away, so I told her that she and I would be seeing each other every other weekend until we make some decisions.  This is dating at it’s purest form and that’s it.  Speculating about my abilities as a parent when your analogy is your str8 sister and your nephew and two nieces that you see about monthly is a poor one.  She knew that she crossed the line and I don’t want her and the woman who she lives who she addresses as “her wife” to make assumptions about me.  It’s judgmental.

I won’t be judged.  I won’t be defined.  I will slowly see what we are.  I will make some decisions after some time has elapsed.  I will communicate clearly and efficiently too when I’m triggered.  After it occurs, I will write about it, and put it away forever, because I wish that my ex could have done that just once with me.  I’m not going to make hash marks.  That is NOT me.

She called me back 5-minutes after we hung up and asked me to tell her a joke.  She said our conversation was odd, and I didn’t remind her to put herself in my shoes, but I did call her back several minutes after we hung up again, and told her one.  We will have fun tonight though…  I just know it.  I’m done with it, told her where my limit is, and I won’t even put energy out where she can talk about my son who she has seen twice.  I want us to discover what “we” are and that should be free of my kid.  That is where my ex and I got convoluted anyway.  No texts since Thursday from the latter, so I plan on enjoying this night to the hilt, and having some good, illicit sex as well.

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Momentum

I feel really good.  I think that although I did coerce her into coming over last night that I was good to her.  She was sore given her camping trip and fast-paced lifestyle that she has.  Also, she had not slept in four-days.  I should have taken melatonin, so I could have slept more soundly after I gave her a deep massage.  Next time…  Saturday that is.  I felt bad that we woke up a lot because I am–let’s face it–stoked to have a naked woman wake up next to me what will be three times this week.  That is so rare for me, and is honestly what I’m looking for longterm.  As is someone to make breakfast for everyday.  That was nice too.

I told her that my lifestyle may not work for her because this will be my busiest 10-months, but if she just wants to see what may develop given that I love hanging out with her and enjoy our sex life, then we can just see what it’s like when we spend more time together and settle into the fall.  We really had some good chemistry there and it is sooooo good to be back in the saddle again.  With my ex, things that were that satisfying became few and far between, so it’s also gratifying.

I’m just going to take this situation day-by-day.  She has housemates who are like family to her, and she frankly does not want to disrupt that much, so it may be that she is not really in the boat for a partner.  I’d be fine with us just having sex and seeing each other when we could and then becoming friends after I’m done with this busy, busy year.  What will be, will be and I feel so much better than I did and am grateful to not be pining for last fall with my ex.

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Dday

So, I’ve got a week.  That’s good too, because she actually is driving me nuts.  She said that she was thinking about me in a naked way last week, and a few hours later, she called and was sarcastic and flirty, and then we lost signal so she played her game by not telling me why she couldn’t call me back (She could have quickly sent a text.) until she was going to bed.  She is mean and manipulative.  The thing is that saying that to her won’t get me anywhere.  I just want to tell her that I’m not comfortable with much of a friendship until a lot of time has elapsed.  As she makes commenting on my status and activities in addition to pictures that have me in it a religious exercise, she can stalk me since she added me last week (She had taken me off when she told me that I was selfish, negative, and creepy.).  I don’t ever click to her page and may turn off any updates from her soon.

I just need to start getting over her.  My cousin is afraid that I will sleep with her next week and then feel guilty.  She needn’t.  That I won’t do; although, I am sure that she will be seductive, which is another form of her manipulation.  When she asks me directly if I’m either still attracted to her or if I want her, I will answer honestly.  Although I do, it wouldn’t feel right even in the moment because our relationship has gotten so gamey and fucked up.  I will tell her that even though I asked twice about going to couple’s counseling, her non-answer was enough for me.  I will also explain that I just need time off and I just believed that we needed to state our intentions uninterrupted and face to face.  Using her words to “not personalize it” when I don’t contact her at all should be that she understands that in order for me to heal, I don’t want to be intimately connected.  Again, maybe next July we can see what is what, but for now, we should embark on a Christmas card relationship.

We will need parameters and ground rules.  I’m going to ask that we don’t raise our voices.  I have only done that once at the end of a VM, but she is a screamer.  I also want us to completely hear each other out, and when I ask, “What do you think of that?” I would prefer that she tell me rather than say, “I’m just listening” or “I need to process,” because I know what that yields.  She keys up for why I am wrong much, much later rather than just validating how I feel.  That approach makes me really glad that I’m not her girlfriend and makes me not want to ever have her very close.