Tag Archives: Truth

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Str8 Entourage

I have been accused of collecting cute str8 girls…  And maybe like most stereotypes, there is at least a modicum of truth in the statement.  I stop at agreeing with my intern who said that I replaced my cycling partner with a prettier model; therefore, it was true replacement.  I’m thinking that most of it was just bad timing that she left her job mid-year and that I really like the woman who I wound up serving on a team with during the year.  The latter–with whom I do hang out a lot with–is smokin’ hot.  Oh well.  I like pretty girls.

I had my intern, her best friend from the southeast, and my workout partner over for dinner the night before my crazy, obstacle five-mile.  And what happens, that often does, is that girls get curious.  Not too curious, but at least the beginning of that normal, fluid, continuum sexuality stuff.  It was NOT subtle Friday night…  My intern’s best friend said, “______, do you wear the strap-on?”  Nice.

Today on the phone my new–and I guess, upgraded model–cycling partner asked what is lesbian sex?  She said, “You know with str8 couples if you don’t do penetration, it is not.”  I said, “I do rather love that when my str8 gfs say, ‘I have had sex with 5 guys,’ but they fail to mention to you that they have given ninety blow-jobs.  Str8 girls love to define what constitutes sex.  If you have had 95 cocks in your mouth, you are experienced.”  She laughed, but did not disagree.

I like my girls though…  They have gr8 show-up factors, we have great convos, and even if sometimes they tend to forget that I’m a Mom or that I’m gay, things like my acerbic wit, or disarming follow-ups tend to allow for them keeping up with me.  I just think that it’s funny when they ask sex questions.  Tonight, I’m probably going to take lonely girl to a BBQ at my friends’ house.  They have a wonderful house, and they wanted my son and I to come over for dinner–one of the Moms had given birth to their son almost 5-years ago.  I shall be around “family” folk, but am in a whimsical mood, so may post more of my musings soon.

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Game Day

So, it’s nearly here.  My five-mile.  Given that I had done my B weights late at night last night, I was sleeping soundly when I got a wrong number at 12:30.  Arg!  Maybe it was divine intervention, but it still made me mad as I was sleeping so well.  I’m groggy right now, and pounding coffee having dropped off my son at school.

Gonna run our dog a little.  She is very hard to run because she is a boxer mix and does a lot of weird furtive movements.  Right now because I’m in a tank and running shorts, she jumps sideways and wags her whole booty when I get up to get coffee and the like.  I was told that she is also German Shepherd–she is very beautiful–but whatever her other half is, makes her FAST.  It is hard to run her.  She outruns all the dogs even at a packed dog park.

It’s cold.  I like it.  I didn’t like biking to the reservoir with my new cycling partner yesterday given the headwinds.  The 21-miles was agony.  Like always though, I’m glad that I do that stuff.  This weather is great for running.  I hope that I feel that way after my 5-mile Saturday!  I was dreaming about my cycling partner when I got the two wrong number calls after midnight.  That doesn’t matter much because she is a str8 girl, and I love her bf.  I just think that I’m ready to sleep with someone, but I won’t do it because I don’t want more of the same.  Sex complicates everything and I want to enter into dating mindfully the next time through and don’t care when the next time through is.  I kinda want to see my psychologist.  I should see if she has had any cancellations today.

I got the most disingenuous text from lonely girl on Wednesday.  I wanted her to bring her daughter to an activity that is unique at my current clinical site.  I’ll be taking girls back there who are clients next week, so I wanted a dry run of the equipment.  The artist is really fun to hang out with as well.  It was cool because the kids got to make art, but it turned out only to be my son.  No biggie.  He loved it.

Lonely girl wanted to reschedule for Thursday, as she didn’t have her daughter much this week.  When I said that joint custody must be lonely–given that I miss my son by Saturday night on my non-weekends–as I’m used to full custody, she promptly followed-up with why that is not true and how her life has perfect balance.  I found it so lacking in normal vulnerability.  When I told my cycling partner about it yesterday, she said, “Maybe she just wants to be perfect.”  I let my workout partner read it and she laughed hard and said, “Wow!  That’s arrogant!”  She continued to laugh and I probed her a bit, and she said, “Really?  That makes it sound like she wants for NOTHING in her life.”  I said that is probably not accurate, because only last month she was asking me questions about how you meet girls. But, then she said, “I think that she is selling herself as perfect and that her life is one that we all should aspire to because she has EVERYTHING that she needs–enough friends, enough workout time, just everything and doesn’t need anyone.”  Either way, I didn’t like the candor.  I’m not going to make any plans with her unless she sets something up.  There is imbalance about her, and she seems really weird.

I’m hoping to have some new adventures to blog here at some point, but whenever that shall be, will be.  I have a new blog that I’m keeping up with well, and I use my identity as it details some aspects of my clinical work.  I like to write there too, but look forward to someday having some sexy stuff again.  Right now is not the time.  Time to run our dog.  I’m grateful for friends, cool weather, a workable schedule, and our house.  It’s not that I want for nothing and that I think I’m perfect.  I’m simply really good where I am, and trust my journey.  I hope that all who make my day by interacting with me here, enjoy their weekends.

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Day off

I can’t see clients tonight…  In about an hour my son and I are going to start working in the food pantry in our church.  We will go back to distribute the boxes of food this evening for awhile.  We will have to leave late afternoon to go over to my parent’s house.  My Mom is making something for us for dinner.  I hope that it is ok to hang out with them tonight and they aren’t fighting too much.

I have been reading through all kinds of blogs before I go to bed at night.  It is really interesting when I encounter one in which the author does something for a living similar to what I do.  I’ve not run across one who is raising a kid solo–and tbh, I have never read one yet wherein someone has sole custody of a kid in general.  My friends asked me yesterday why that was and I said, “I’m the one who is most equipped to be a parent.”  This task includes when he is amped up by the moon, and alternately non-compliant.

I keep him engaged.  I taught his best friend to ride a bike yesterday, and I introduced him to my cycling partner and her bf yesterday while we picnicked.  He played in and around an irrigation ditch with various little boys at the park while we three chilled on a blanket.  My cycling partner made the best quinoa salad that I’ve had in my life.  Usually it’s just fine, but this was phenomenal.  I managed to dump it in my car and garage getting the cooler out last night.  Consequently, I wound up cleaning for nearly an hour last night though, so there is little of it to eat today.  Sad.

I need to straighten things up in my house today so I can just happily work this week.  It is pretty cluttered around here too.  What I’m hoping for is after we work in our food pantry I have a second wind of some sort that can carry me through some household stuff while I have a break in between food distribution and dinner.  I’ve been really tired lately.  After I had the cough from hell that did not lift and had to take antibiotics, my immune system has been complete shit.  I have a sinus infection, but I want to treat it without medical intervention.  I have my dangerous five-mile on Sat, and it would be keen to have full lung capacity.

Summer is in full swing.  It’s a matter of my following a good writing schedule.  Cooking great meals.  Connecting with friends.  Doing a variety of things with my son, and basically just staying happy.  I think that I can do that, and I’m off to great start.

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Zeitgeist

There was another natural disaster that killed 24 people this week in the US.  It left a lot of debris and devastation.  Like many people, when weather tragedies occur, I wind up thinking about wars, because they are tragic too; although, entirely human made.  I’m thinking of those families and will do so in church.  For some reason, I don’t talk about war or weather extremities with my son, and he doesn’t ask.  I guess not having a tv with reception does shield him from scary thoughts in his seven-year-old head. Anyway, I wanted to reflect on tragedies a little this morning, and thank people going into this long weekend.

My Dad is a Vet.  He didn’t see combat, but he decoded conversations which were intercepted.  He doesn’t speak Vietnamese, but it was easy for him to pick up German in school and he spoke it well enough to transcribe phone conversations.  He can’t really hear much now though.  That’s ok though, because he doesn’t really like people.  I know that he likes his grandson though.

I thought that I should say thanks before we come up on a weekend–and mine is actually a four-day one–to people who believe in God and country.  I know that I don’t have those kind of convictions, but I do think that there are many people who don’t see things as I do and believe in this type of service.  That’s following your passion.  Now, I will tell you that my heart skips a little beat when some of my more concrete high school kids who I know enlist, because they will not test as officer material and will probably be on the front lines in various imperialistic and capitalistic ventures.  Scary.  I don’t like dwelling much there tbh.  May God and well wishers keep them.

I read a post today, which was old, but was surprised that my opinion was not included in the 60 comments.  I know that I’m weird.  Some of my odd approach is the courtesy of dear old Dad, but I was actually shocked to not see anyone elude to what I think is behind many slow recoveries after a national disaster.  The writer wrote about the earthquake in Haiti, which I knew killed hundreds of thousands of people.  I knew too that it killed people who were indigenous to the island.  They are extremely poor.  The irony is that the hotels on that island are apparently unparalleled.  Scary contrast, but much like the way of the world.

My Dad is a Marxist.  I think that posting something like that could cause an onslaught of rage.  Socialism and Communism are threatening topics about which to blog.  People have in their heads that the country China is Communist, but it’s actually an Oligarchy of rigid control.  Anyway, the purpose of this post is that I’m really just thanking little people who follow their passions, and people who have deep convictions to serve an entire country.  Thank you for your beliefs.  Thank you for your commitment.  And with Father’s Day coming up very soon, thanks to my Dad for always making me think.

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Finality

I have had this damn email for too long.  I’m not sure how long actually, but today in my son’s class (while I watched him dance), I realized that it carries energy in my draft box.  I don’t want that energy.  I like, “Good.  Hope you two are well.”  I don’t want it to be anywhere, but here–namely–because it invites reengagement in conversation and the like.  I burned her name on a piece of paper last summer with a sentence that I wrote.  After I blew the ashes and it had gone out, I unfolded the paper and it was blank.  All my handwriting had disappeared.  I have decided to put this email here, and then I don’t want to say much more about her.  I got what I needed and want to go to my friends’ party this weekend with it already “sent.”

I’m going to be as clear as I can.  I don’t want to pre-arrange seeing you.  I’m sure that we shall run into each other by chance in the future, but I don’t feel comfortable with a friendship or actively cultivating something close.  We had a good trial run of things for 15-months, and I don’t want to try to convert our old situations into a “friendship.”  I’m not there, and want to heal and move forward.

I think that we struggle to understand one another, don’t get along, and live far apart.  It doesn’t make much sense to attempt to turn a painful lost love situation into anything when it’s so difficult just to get together, and even relate to one another.  If we were meant to be friends, it wouldn’t be this hard, so I think that is life telling us something.

I don’t think that you know me all that well, tbh.  I think that if you did, you wouldn’t believe that I had “zero compassion.”  But, what I have come to is that it doesn’t matter at all what you think I’m like. If I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and don’t have compassion for others that is just what interactions with me yielded.  It gives me pause, because I don’t know anyone who possesses those qualities or have I ever told anyone that he or she were that way.  Such a strange thing for me, and I can’t wrap my brain around why that is the result.  Honestly, I’m not sure why that is your pitting of me, but it doesn’t seem like I should be part of your circle.  You should be around nice people.

I’m simply not that way.  I’m a lot of things, have tons of drawbacks and the like, but I just like to laugh and connect with others.  People who I chose to spend time with help me understand the world better.  I surround myself and am blessed with wonderful friends.

I can remember not being able to wait to wake up to email you to share about my day, get information on what you were doing, who you were, and what motivated you / made your heart tick.  I quickly fell head over heels in love with you and had an incredible three months with you sharing my whole self and feeling so gratified looking into your eyes or being in your arms.  I wouldn’t trade fall of 2011 for anything.

As I’ve said, I also yielded being able to make sure that my son has a wonderful meal when I don’t see him until the following morning, I realized that he actually needed a dog, and I really am in phenomenal shape now, which I know may improve my overall health and life quality.  The last thing that started toward the end of September nearly two years ago was that I trusted myself enough to give my heart away.  Those are pretty good lessons resulting from ending a relationship.  I am lucky.  Sorry that it only worked in my direction and you never got your four quarters.  They are coming for you or are already there with a really great girl.

Glad that we are cool.  It means a lot to me that you and I will be able to comfortably greet each other when we do see each other.  Peace and light your way.

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Intentions

  1. Accomplish what I’m meant to without guilt when I don’t conquer an ENTIRE To-Do List
  2. Connect with my son and hold him close
  3. Listen fully
  4. Laugh
  5. Write everyday
  6. Host a monthly party with different themes in June, July, and August
  7. Add weight to one of my weights days
  8. Run one to two times weekly
  9. Research new music artists
  10. Learn my bike gears
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Shift

So, of course Shane would send my son a package yesterday.

One of my clients got called into her job last night, and another one moved her session, so I decided to move my on-going family who I will be referring out to a couple of providers to late afternoon tomorrow.  Last night, I ate dinner WITH my son–he only saved me half of a biscuit though–and talked at length.  We walked our dog, cuddled, and seemed really connected.  He is awake now, because our dog already busted in his room, but I am staying home with him until his father picks him up for the weekend.  My son’s school has a planning day for teachers and so there are no classes.

I had a good shift today.  I think that because lonely girl has been contacting me and she is really pretty, I was thinking about an FB again.  She is a quick bike ride away.  However, it is not good to sleep with someone who you know has done shady things which have resulted in losing friends.  That is pretty complicated sex.

Shane and I had the uncomplicated thing for a summer.  When she told me around Labor Day that because she had been sleeping with one of the girls from work for 7-months, that when she said that they should be exclusive so she just agreed, I was like, “Peace out.”  This was four-years ago.  She was shocked.  I think that I meant more to her than 1) I had thought, and 2) She meant to me.  I never contacted her again, and we reconnected four-months later on NYD.  At that time, I figured that I maybe meant a lot to her, and it was flattering.  That’s really all lonely girl is.  It’s flattering, but it needn’t go down the sex road.  So, it won’t.

The funny thing about roads that you travel is that they can become circuituous.  I don’t want to circle back to an FB.  I do think that lonely girl will either put the moves on me or proposition me for sex, but I can just go home.  I had an FB last summer when my ex and I were on a summer hiatus, and I just don’t want one.  Even if the new prospect is super gainfully employed and independent.  It means a lot to me that the women who I met that she hung out with over a year ago don’t speak to her now.  Begs the question…  What did you do?  I know that lesbians are cliquey, but damn.

I’m fine with friendships with lots of different people.  My father had us move about 13-times as I grew up.  I was in 7th grade when we bought a house and stayed, and that stability lasted a year wherein my brother was killed and I was seriously injured.  I knew mobility and then debilitating loss.  Those were my frame of reference for my first 14-years.  It was my journey though.

The lessons from that is that I can easily make friends, but that it is more difficult for me to give myself away.  I’ve gotten really good at the latter over the last six-years.  I can tell new people my story, because I have worked through it.  The biggest shift for me is that I know it’s critical to be vulnerable when you are making a close friendship and that it is a foundational attribute when you are with a partner.

I was vulnerable with my coming out affair, Shane, and then really very much so with my ex.  That is where I am.  I’m ready not for an FB, a conversion of FB to a gf, or a woman who flips and flops and never really settles on committing to me.  I’m shifting for being ready for that real thing whenever the time is right, and it will be with a woman who I know well and have already spent lots of time hanging and connecting.

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6-years

That is the age difference between my coming-out affair and I.  Those are also opposites in the Chinese Zodiac.  Well, she and a former boss of mine covered state guidelines that have changed for brain injuries today.  It was odd because today–my work load for my day job is lightest on Wednesdays–I had told one of my newer friends (who I had run a 5K with nearly a month ago)–all about her.  And there she was, presenting for our team with a former boss of mine.  I was pretty shaky when I realized that she was there too.

Then, it was fine.  After her portion of the talk was done, I smiled at my former boss and then when she would jump in so she could present more, I could just look at her.  It was completely neutral.  So, I put on my big girl pants at the end of their presentation and talked to and hugged them both.  I talked to them at length about a case we had just completed and asked if they could look at it.  They seemed surprised, but said that they would.  Next week, I’ll just email them both at the same time and say nice to see you and I think that we have what they discussed covered.

This is expressly why I know that there are no coincidences.  I talked about her today–I hadn’t seen her in almost 3-years–and there she was.  For me, the lesson is that I can easily share space with my ex in six-years.  At least my coming-out affair gave me a good and genuine hug.  I think that when I run into my ex, I’ll decline a hug and tell her that I don’t like her friend hugs.  She claps on the back too hard.  However, maybe with the passage of time, she can genuinely connect to me.  Interesting day today.  It’s time for bed.

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Decisions and my Deliberations

I had written in the fall of 2008 that I had “little to report.”  I’m not really there, but I do think because my chart is air dominant, I’m pretty bored.  I need some mix it up stuff.  Next weekend could start off a little weird.  I’ll get to that in a minute.

This morning, I woke up in that mood wherein I wanted to start my morning with a cuddle and some sex.  So odd that there is not even a dark horse in the running for that.  I told my ex-husband that I’m not going to date anymore.  I’m not either.  It’s going to be hang outs and show ups and no intimacy. I just want to spend time with some women and start seeing who is cool.  Daylight interactions for the most part and night stuff will be at my friends’ houses or with my friends.  The three single ones who I know are not ever going to be love interests.

I have to make a job decision in two weeks.  I can stay where I am, but I won’t have two supervisors who are full-time.  That’s scary.  I think what I will do is I will call the dual-diagnosis campus in our system and see if I can get a f2f with the guy in charge.  If I can, then I’m going to ask if I can do two-hours a week of work there in exchange for some training.  If that’s a go, then I think that I’ll stay.  Otherwise, I’m going to work in another place all together next year.  The screening interview went well, and they already have didactic components.  I’d have to find a way to make some didactics where I currently work because they are only set up once a month for the current intern program.  Decisions.  The other ones are made.

OK, exhibit A.  Church girl is not interested in dating right now, and really she is smart because she has not been employed at all for many months–I have no idea how she pays for her mortgage unless she comes from money–and has some significant health problems.  All of that is really sad, so I know that she just needs good friends.  I am a good friend.  And she makes me laugh, so that is a good friend.

I have such a good name for exhibit B, but I can’t use it, because it has too much detail and may not be anonymous, so I’m just going to call her lonely girl.  Her friends who I met last September no longer talk to her.  She used to be in a serious relationship with my ex’s friend.  Those two do not bode well for being a love interest.  I also don’t trust her 100%.  I think that she tries to paint herself in a favorable light all the time.  That’s against what my friends stand for, and that’s openness and honesty.

Exhibit C is not even!  OMG.  Gross.  We were supposed to have this dinner party that she was hosting next weekend.  She asked if it’s ok that she invited people from work, and I said, “Of course.”  Well, she hasn’t invited anyone.  It’s FRIDAY.  WTF?  I was going to make all the food too.  I chatted her that I was confused because she had asked if she could invite girls from work.  She said, “I don’t keep in touch with many lesbians.”  Made no sense.  How is my friend and I–and she used to date my friend–a dinner party?  I said, “Let’s go to a movie and have pizza or something.”  I like those breweries that have theaters in them.  She said, “If u want.”

Then she asked what hot dates I’ve been on.  I said, “Oh, tons.  I work 60-hours a week, I’m working on my dissertation, searching for an internship, and I single parent.”  I also told her that I’m not dating anymore.  I told her a little about Peter Pan without naming her or referring to her as Peter Pan, and I said that my mistake was not hanging out with her friends.  Then she said, *shudder*, “Are you asking me out?”  I was so taken aback that I said, “Fuck no.”  Are you kidding?  She has balls.  She has done one of my best friends!  She is really big.  She is not cute.  She obviously doesn’t really have friends, because she cannot think of who to invite to a dinner party when I’m cooking for it.  So wrong, like Depeche Mode wrong, on all levels.  So, Friday will be interesting, as I said.  I’m really looking forward to the following Friday, tbh.

All of my positive couple friends will be there and so will church girl.  I don’t know if lonely girl will come.  If she doesn’t, then I’m not ever reaching out to her again, because I called her and got her to put it on her calendar weeks ago.  My friends are amazing.  It’s really a goodbye to them while they leave for a year to do organic farming in HI and also abroad.  Lonely girl was saying that she needs to meet people and I told her that my friends are amazing, and that they would be wonderful contacts for her.  If she doesn’t show, then meeting good, quality people is not for her.  And because her friends who I met no longer talk to her, it’s probably not really that she is actually interested in making good friends.  I have them.  I’m blessed.

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And some are just trouble

We were deep in the mountains the weekend before I turned 38, but then her son got sick and we had to come home.  She wanted me to stay and do a long day hike along a ridge, but when you are spending 5-days with the girl you’re dating, you want to do just that.  Because she is such a driven person, she wound up bundling up the baby the next day and we took a 25-mile bike ride.  The weekend wasn’t bad.  She was moody about her possible diagnosis which–as I knew it would be–turned out to be nothing but muscle tears.  However, there was there was more to the outcome of this weekend in general.

We drove back home and she said, “Who did you think was attractive?”  I found the question odd and then she said, “C’mon, who would you do if you were single?”  I told her, and she made a slight about her physical state.  Very her.  Then she told me who she found attractive.  My ex is shameless flirt; although, she would deny and call herself “clueless” when it came to stuff like that, so I knew that she had at least had intense conversations with her.  I mostly let it go, but did say that she would start pursuing her.

Then, the following Saturday when she had plans with us, she slowly cancelled on me via phone, and wound up “hiking”–my ex HATES to hike–with her and her daughter the following day (Sunday).  Then she sent me some of the meanest texts and basically called me a big baby for being sad about not getting to see her and not being a priority.  That was the nail in the coffin for me for us to be “dating.”  My ex is like a lot of people and always keeps one in the queue.  This girl was no exception until her friends told her how she is in relationship, and she also learned some things when she was with one of my ex’s old friends too.

Well, this girl didn’t overtly ask me out, but she did ask if I was going out on Friday.  I would choose pain of death before I would go to this venue wherein any manner of the ghosts of gf’s past could be dancing, and then she texted, “I need to meet people.  How does one do that?”  I told her that if she wanted to, I’d bring her to one of my friend’s parties when I could, and she said that she’d be honored.  She is just lonely.  I was there last summer.  I slept with Peter Pan.

We can hang out with friends, and be friends, but that’s it.  She is super cute and has great dimples, but she is her own worse enemy when it comes to relationship, and I have already seen her with her friends, and it seems, that many of them don’t talk to her anymore.  So, that’s enough data for me.  I honestly don’t have anything in common with a woman who is fine with losing friends.  It seems that she is not solid enough right now to make lasting friendships if newer friends no longer talk to her.

  1. Sexy
  2. Smart
  3. Integrity
  4. Vulnerable
  5. Funny
  6. Humble
  7. Open
  8. Stable

My BFF said, “Become who you want.”  I don’t think that I struggle much with any of these attributes.  I think too, that I really do know who I am.  Shane had this tattoo, “Know thyself,” except it was in Latin.  And she did, but she was not willing to share things that scared her with me.  She was open, but not too much so, because then she could not have justified her alcohol use.  I don’t think that justification has place in relationship…  I was short with you because you don’t read my mind about my grief.  Where is the emotion in that?  There isn’t any, but anger, and that’s just masked hurt.  Hurt is an emotion that few will talk about, because it makes you vulnerable.

Stable is another important factor too.  I’m not a warm body.  I’m someone who is worth it.

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Insomnia and Goals

I have a strange relationship with things hanging over my head–they actually crash into my brain.  I have to get some paperwork done by tomorrow night, or I won’t gather data this spring.  That’s scary.  I guess that it has come to that.  It doesn’t matter much, because I have to get those things done.  I have to stay home from the day job today because I have to move money and write a big check too.

My joints are really sore.  I think that I’ll do a beer fast until Saturday night this week to give my body a break, but I know that I like it better than ibuprofen.  That’s what Saturday night and a cab are for–I get really nervous after I have had 3 when I think about malpractice insurance.  I’m hoping to run for 35-minutes on Thursday so I can get a good time on Saturday night.  I don’t know what a good time is though, but I’d like it to be under 40-minutes.  It will probably depend if it rains that night or not.  I’m assuming that running in rain at night is not a treat.  I just don’t know, because I have never run before now.

Yesterday not only did we run into the wind, but we also were freezing.  It was one of those days due to inclement conditions, you’d have been best off running in ski pants and a hat with flaps, but then the trade-off is that you would sweat buckets.  My son was in basketball shorts, REI under armor, a hoody with the hood on his head, a raincoat, and I pulled his shirt over his head that he got from the event as well.  He did sweat, but his nose also ran like crazy.  I was proud of him for finishing.  He jogged a little bit, and sprinted at least 6 times, but mostly walked at my pace, which is an extremely fast pace.

Now, I’m thinking about money (agonizing), my data and writing, that I don’t want to have clients on Tuesday (So, I don’t think I will schedule any), and my long days on Wednesday and Thursday.  I’m so tired of working a minimum of 50-hours every week.  I also need a distraction.  I don’t contact my ex at all, but I do think about her.  Most likely, much of the reason for the latter is because I don’t have a dark horse in the running.

I read through my entire journal (pen not blog) before I tried to sleep.  I talk about trying to sleep because I woke at eleven thirty and then after one, so I had to leave my bed.  I’m sore and achey, but mostly I’m really just stressed.  Anyway, in my journal, I noted that everything that I voiced and put out as intention came through.  Even though I never wrote, “I want a barista,” I wrote ad nauseum about being mellow and having no temper.  Well, Peter Pan wasn’t passionate about much other than sex in the middle of the night and some works of fiction, and certainly would not ever lose her temper.  Wow.  Careful seems good.

I like sexy.  I like smart.  I like fit.  I prefer light eyes and used to only like tall.  (The latter was removed from my notion of “type” given my little ex.)  I like honest, open, and authentic.  Those three things involve more quiet confidence.  You just are.

Shane and my ex have those elements that are referred to in the vernacular as “The Shit Show.”  However, especially with Shane, when you walked into a crowded trendy spot with her, both men and women would stare.  Probably at her swaggering 5’11” self with the power haircut, flashing smile and sparkling green eyes, but she also had that Steve McQueen thing going.  That: “I’m here and I could give two shits if you don’t like it.”  My ex can get loud and raucous, and relentlessly teases everyone at times–including wait staff–but she has that sex appeal thing and incredible eyes with a good smile.

I’m shifting in desire to more genuine.  Funny is really good, but sense of humor is even better.  Shane is not funny at all, but is much sweeter than my ex is.  She can be really genuine too, but doesn’t often remember those moments given her longterm abuse of alcohol.  I’d trade funny for appreciating laughter.  I’d also prefer a girl who does not take herself too seriously.  Life is not that serious, and there are things that happen that are so difficult that when you can’t just be, laugh, or simply soften, you’re really in for it.  I guess that it.  I do like attractiveness and intelligence, but I’m really seeking: mostly gentle.

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Fun, yet odd

We went out last night–it was a couple of my colleagues and a couple who I know who is traveling all next year and a friend who used to work with one of my friends when she lived in another state.  Like many people, she has just moved here.  The bartender was happy to see me, which struck me as odd.  I had not been to that bar in five-months and she obviously remembered me.  She has an awesome haircut, huge blue eyes, and a really incredible body.  Even my colleagues were saying how hot she was.  I flirted with her just a little bit, but in a respectful way too.

Afterward we were sitting in some straight back chairs that really could be in someone’s living room right by an open window (Yay, springtime!), I noticed a fairly butch woman sitting at the bar chatting quite a bit with the hot bartender.  I was shocked.  I told my colleague her name and said that we had a falling out about four-and-a-half years ago.  Then I was like, “This is really stupid.  Especially given that there are 58 lesbians in ______ .”  So, I got up and said, “Hey, aren’t you _____ _____ ?”  And she said, “______ !”  She embraced me a long time.  Her partner is 6-months pregnant and they bought a house in that district.  I was really impressed with that.  It’s a trendy area.

She texted me a few times too.  I need to text her back today.  I’ll be just south of there today conducting some testing in executive functioning with a client for a private boss who I have.

The other girls got there about 20-minutes later and we were laughing so hard and being obnoxious and bizarre.  We have tons of inside jokes and always create more.  The one couple is one that I hung out with all last fall through now.  I wish that they were not moving, but it’s an adventure for them.  We had a great time.

Later, they were giving me a lot of shit about not getting the bartender’s number.  Finally, I said, “You guys, she is at work.  She is swamped with drunk frat boys.  And I just saw a woman who started an orgy in my house in 2008 with a bullwhip.  I’m just not into non-organic development anymore, or just sex with no attachments where I live.”

At the time, 2008, I was super attracted to this one girl who was a childhood friend of a girl who I went to middle school with, so I engaged in some of the debauchery, but that was the year that I had remained celibate.  It was a really weird party, and an odd time for me in general.  I had only been out just under a year, and was really dealing with that I was always gay, so I did whatever occasionally.  That party was probably the oddest thing that ever happened when I was in attendance.  It was just some weird stuff and making out that went on.  We were all wasted.

This girl, who was now sitting at the bar, wound up naked sleeping in my bed.  I had to tell her that cuddling was fine, but nothing would ever happen between us.  I’m picky about who I sleep with.  The exception was Peter Pan last summer.  I just needed to have sex with someone other than my ex, and she really presented as a solid person until her lies unraveled after I hung out with her for two months.

I know where I am with respect to relationships.  I would have some flingish stuff, but it would have to occur out of state.  I would prefer to build foundations with some nice girls.  And I am gun-shy too, so it’s unlikely that I will be having intimacy with anyone around here for awhile.  I’m fine with all that too.  Time to get ready, buy cleats, watch my son, work this afternoon with a client, and then do my Day C.  At least a best buddy is making me dinner tonight.  I have a great life.

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4

I like Astrology.  I don’t have much use for anything past an ascendent, but I think Sun, Moon, and Ascendent are cool, and of course, I do think about Venus placement right now too, but I don’t think much of the other planets in daily stuff.  Anyway, in the summer time when my ex was planning her coup (Meaning that she was ready to sleep with me after a three month hiatus.) she said that her soul number was 9 and that mine was probably 9 too based on Astrology and bday and stuff.  It’s not. It’s 4.  Apparently, you get along best with your soul number when it’s the same or if you’re even, being with another even number.

I had some weird stuff transpire on Tuesday and a friend of mine gave me some immediate feedback.  In the end, she had seen a sign off of a road with the word, “Fair” on it, and the first date of the fair was her Mom’s bday, and the second date of the fair was the day that she was in surgery to save her Mom’s life. (Her mother did not live.)  Later she sent me a HeyTell at 4:44 having no idea that 4 is my number and said that she was thinking of that sign “Fair” and that she was between two cars.  One was 444 in the number section, which her Mom always said is an angelic number, and the one behind her was 999.  So, I don’t think that it is time to do the “friends” card with my ex.  Some day, maybe, but right now I just don’t want any of her energy and definitely not her non-emotional, rational, and combative self that she is championing at this point in time.  She is on her own path.

So, I had an incredible day yesterday.  I had to confront a colleague about her insensitivity and general lack of professionalism.  I had to give a parent a good news, bad news scenario about her 11-year-old in terms of ability and possible diagnosis.  My client who really needs to (by her own admission) stay consistent with her counseling just skipped session without so much as a text.  And, I ran a 5K on the treadmill.  My heart rate average was 160 as well.  I also was able to talk to my workout partner for the duration, so I have built up some endurance.  I would like to run outside on Sunday, so I’m going to with her.  I have not ever done pavement–well, not since 6th grade.  Our family 5K is next Sunday.  Our dog is so crazy that I’ll have to get in a zen place with her darting and beg the nature Gods not to put a rabbit in our path.

It sure is rare to be a licensed psychologist in the area where I work.  I’ll probably have to leave, which is just part of my journey.  It’s inconvenient, and will involve probably my getting on the road thirty minutes earlier than I do now, which will be challenging for my son, but I think that it’s time for me to move on to a place where I can get settled.  I also have to complete this doc, so it’s the last step.  I will need to stay put though, if they complete my training.  That sounds like I’m becoming a Jedi…  I wonder what Yoda’s soul number was?

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Leave the fear

I am going to do some vertical climbing.  I’ve never done it, and am very scared of heights, but it’s guided and was only $50.  I have to wrap my brain around it, but I just don’t believe in living with fear.  I started climbing mountains in 2008, and I have done some ledges and the like in addition to being on all fours when it gets steep, but I have not done vertical….  Yet.

I was driving up a forest road in my old Accord in 2008–it’s actually a very nice car, but I had to give it to my ex out of fairness–and parts of this road were missing at the time.  People kept turning around and I was like, “Nah.”  So I did this weird maneuver around the side of the ditch and then swung the wheel 180-degrees, but I dented the shit out of my oil pan.  It’s not like when you do something like that you can exactly turn around, so I just bombed up, but my car was smoking and lead to my having to repair it later.  The roads were turning from private, to missing, to zoned for parks, to National Forest Roads, so when there was a switchback later and a little driveway, I just turned around.  It was 5:45 in the morning.

I wound up driving around an old mining site and to a paved road, and finally parking low in a pass area.  That is how I completed my first summit, and I did it solo.  It was a much more difficult mountain in terms of technicality at the end and hugging a sawtooth and some scree when you would wind up a bit off trail, but I did it, and I did it completely on my own.  The latter was kinda stupid, so I did wind up climbing with another person after my first summit.

I think that is interesting, because I’m actually terrified of heights, but that’s the whole thing… I don’t believe in being hobbled by our fears.  People say trite stuff like “Face your fears,” but more than that is examining what you can do to pass through them.  I don’t think that when you live somewhere as beautiful as I always have with the exception of when I was in undergrad and my first round of grad school that you should let things that make you anxious rule you.  So, I just don’t.

I have given away my heart and been nakedly vulnerable.  I have completed 11-summits.  I have paddled down a strange river through tree roots and under swampy trees and weird spiders.  I have hung onto the back of a girl on motorcycles and jet skis.  These are not my comfort zones, but I have changed as a result of engaging in these activities.

So, now, in June, I’m going to climb some verticals with equipment.  Ultimately, I will be glad that I tried it.  Face what terrifies you.

I think that the path to being whole is truly being authentic and honest with yourself.  That is so easy to say, but really difficult to work through when you examine and then change.  With being vulnerable and naked with your emotions, it is worth the gamble, because you just change.  I think that when I give the sermon, I would like that to be a thematic tie.  I need to take a peek at my readings and face that fear too.  I speak in public all the time, but don’t have to talk about things that I’m not deep in understanding or require me to connect to my experiences.  But, that is the whole approach to being spiritual right?  It’s not dogmatic, sanctimonious, or does it suggest that one way is right.  It’s scary, but I want to face it like my vertical that is coming up too.

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Not shocking

I really thought that she was pleasant on Friday morning because she was getting laid…  Turns out that she broke it off with her girlfriend (ALREADY) and she thinks that she says / does things without realizing their impact although she tells her that she loves her.  That gave me a lot of pause.  She would honestly do her lovers a good favor if the stuff that she says that they do, she’d do.  Wow.

Months ago, I’d have called her and flirted a bit and then would have gone up there to have sex with her tonight.  Those days are gone, because I’m not in love with her anymore, and grew really tired of the three C’s.  Those are critical, controlling, and competitive.  It’s really cool in that song “Hallelujah,” which I do know has been covered three million times, when it says, “love is not a victory march.”  It’s not.  While I do love her, I think that one of my dear friends is correct when she says that she is confused and has lots of interpersonal work to do.  That is independent of me.

Speaking of issues…  Here is one of mine.  Damn crush on “the girl next door” has not subsided and it is SUPER sucky.  I think about her all the time, and have darker thoughts about stuff that she confided in me about the way in which her relationship is going.  Then I think, “Well, this really might not last.”  That is hideous and makes me feel so badly.  If I was still Catholic, I’d stay up in there all Saturday night talking about that.

“Father, I commit sin a lot because I love women and can’t pray out the gay at all.  And boy, have I tried.  I know that I’m telling a celibate this, so probably on a lot of levels it is difficult for you to wrap your brain around it, but that’s not what I’m confessing.  I’m confessing that I am perhaps falling for a girl who is in a committed relationship and I listen to problems that they have and that sometimes makes me happy.”

GROSS!  How did I become this person?  Gotta get back to morality.

I need to meet some girls, dammit!  The snow is gorgeous right now and it’s sunny today.  I think that since it is my turn to pick (and pay for) lunch with my bday twin so we are going to eat in Cap Hill.  There were TWO lesbians at the cool fundraising thing last night and they were snotty and married.  Beyonce says that “all the single ladies” are supposed to put their hands in the air, and they were not doing that last night.  Damn, damn, damn.  Honestly, I had a lot of fun last night though, but they str8 guys were the ones talking to me.  Oh well.  I can work on my dissertation.

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Potayto

Are you kidding me?  You talk to me on the phone and argue semantics?  Peter Pan asked if I had sent her CD and said she was moving.  I apologized and asked for her new addy.  She said, “No, I’ll pick it up.”  I said, “Tell me when to leave it in my door,” and then just like her she got all sad sack about it.  For the love of Pete, dude, I haven’t seen you since either the end of July or the first couple days of August–I’d have to check my blog–and you didn’t even miss this CD until I realized that I had it.  She said, “I understand that you don’t want to see me,” and I said, “I just got home.  Give me a few and I’ll call,” and she said, “No worries.  You don’t have to talk to me.”

Sooooo intense and dramatic.  We had sex a handful of times.  You were my rebound.  I told you after we’d done it one night that you needed a nice, young sensible girl who wouldn’t be doing clinical hours next school year.  We had an understanding.

She then started in about how great she is.  I told her, “You are pretty lacking in integrity,” and she said, “I’m the most integrous person that you’ll ever meet.”  Now that cracked me up.  She never finished college and introduced herself to me as a teacher of kids with special needs.  And she let that run for seven-weeks!

Later in our convo tonight, she asked me if I was seeing anyone.  A bit later she asked if she had introduced herself to me as an assistant, would I be her friend and still be dating her?  OMG!

You tell me that what you did was not a lie and that I’m the one with the problem and then it’s obvious that you thought you could date me again.  WhoTF do you think you are?  I couldn’t believe it.  She said that I was wrong several times, and that she is the best person she knows.  Good.  I don’t like untruths or lacking in authenticity.  I’m fine with not knowing the best person in the world.

I told her that I wish her peace and the best, but I am sending her CD (It’s already in a cardboard mailer–photo type one.), but I don’t desire to see her and that she thinks that it’s fine to let someone run with lies of omission for weeks, and then only say after you’ve hung out with someone for seven-weeks, but only just after you’ve had sex a few days, “I have let you believe something that is not true,” is completely lacking in accountability imho.

She said that: “I have let you believe something that is not true.”   How is that not a lie?  I told her that we don’t see things the same way, have nothing in common, and that I’m good on the friends front.  I did also tell her that on the off-chance that I run into her, I will say hello and exchange pleasantries, but we don’t need to prearrange.  After all, it’s me with the problem wanting someone to mean what she says and say what she means, and I don’t know, be honest.

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Going great

We got my son’s room organized completely with the exception of his closet and a toy box.  I have sooooo many plastic guys, metal cars, and just random crap to take to the Thrift Store in addition to all his size 6 clothing.  I would say that we probably have about two hours or so left in his room.  Not only can you see his floor, but his closet is not barfing out his art supplies and old cleats and such.

I just have not been able to locate one of his shin guard covers.  However, he has worn those for two seasons, so the guard may not be big enough anyway, so I could justify buying new cleats and shin guards.  You can buy those in a bundle and his soccer cleats are size 2.  My son is a horse, so I will have to buy him 3.5 as it is for his new shoes.  It was cool because his best friend’s Mom had gotten him his basketball shoes for his first season.  It was not cool that our dog found them and ate the pull strap off the back of one shoe.  Those were thrown out, because he doesn’t have need for them again.  He can wear his high top Chuck Taylor’s this August for camp.

His best friend’s bday party was fun.  I didn’t get a chance to be able to get my non-dating lower half bikini body ready in terms of maintenance.  It’s funny how carefully shaving gets so rare when you’re not getting laid, but I was super glad that I had not shaven when we got there, because that Rec Center pool was probably 30-times more crowded than the two that he and I use in our city.  The noise was deafening.  Thank God that we had dinner plans at our friend’s house.  I needed those microbrews.

The only thing that was slightly special about the playdate portion of the night was that we had to bring our dog and one of the Moms is so allergic to dogs.  So, of course she was jumping up on the French Doors and being a shit.  We had people scouring our house–I have not been able to hire this daughter-father team since 2010, but they do an incredible job.  Our hard woods are completely clean and the bathrooms are shining.  I had no idea that they would still be at my house 3-hours later.  We took our dog and thanked our friends for being so accommodating.  Our dog had been at Doggie Day Camp for six-hours, but they live across the street from a dog park, so she tore it up there too with a boxer and a whippet-lab.

She is sleeping now while I wake up–again–but this time only with a slightly sore throat.  I’m going to get through this thing with no antibiotics.  I’m proud.  It has been hell.  I’ll do my first round of cardio tonight, so I can lift tomorrow.  I am not hacking up my lungs right now or am I blowing my nose over and over and over.  So, I think that before my week off, which is the week after next, I should be fantastic.

Today is church for at least two-hours given my announcement role, and a small brunch at least with one of my friends.  Then we can do some laundry before we go to my parents’ house for dinner.  I’m sharing the lentils with smoked chicken with them, and my Mom is making biscuits for my son.  I’m not close in particular with my parents, but I am honest with them.  Just can’t see them much due to my boundaries for my health.  They are just grandparents to my son too, but they watched him for over a year before I put him in daycare.  My father is good with little kids, but when they start to talk, he is weirdly permissive and passive-aggressive with my Mom and tries that shit with me too.  “Your grandmother wants you to do that,” and that really makes limits difficult.  I grew up in “The Shining,” because he’s Bi-Polar, and has only been on meds for three-years.  I’m not exaggerating even slightly, and do know that I have chosen an alcoholic and a volatile-cycler last because chaos is normal for me.  It’s not a bad thing to be single for some time.

I asked my friends again why they didn’t know anyone who I could date or chill with.  They said, “Well, the one who is single is butch and overweight.”  I showed her a pic of Shane and said, “See?  Butch is fine as long as it’s soft and you have nice features.”  They remarked on how pretty she was and then asked why we still weren’t together given our two years.  I told just one bar story and it wasn’t a scary one either, but was comical for the part I had chosen.  They both cracked up and said, “Oh.”  That was the end of that.  Honestly, it’ll happen when it’s meant to.  I’m not sleeping much because of the lack of exercise and this shitty cold, so it’s nice not to wake up a girl this week.  Life will calm down and I’ll be somewhere, and a girl and I will just notice each other…

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Timing

Now, it really is a timing thing.  She explained that as she thought about it, that she is getting very solid on her own and doesn’t want to date.  She was fairly vulnerable when she was texting me earlier in the night and she is actually sick.  I’ve heard of the condition that she has too, and I know that you fatigue significantly in the sun.  That would be horrible for a girl like me, who simply loves being out all of the time.  I know that when you’re in no shape to date, you can’t date.  That is why I could just do Peter Pan for a few days, because she was a silly girl, and I couldn’t really take her seriously.  I had no idea that she was basically a liar though when she and I hooked up last summer.  Again, that was just a good rebound thing for me, and helped me just put a hard stop on a relationship with my ex because I had that fling.

This girl from church is straightforward and honest.  That is a good thing.  I won’t really seek out a friendship with her, but when she texts or interacts on my FB, I will definitely be my normal, conscientious self.  I think that when you have as much going on as she she does that she won’t contact me but about once a week.  We can be friends and that is fine with me.

Speaking of creepy, my ex knew that I was planning on a date last weekend, and she knew that I had a date with this particular girl last August when she flipped her shit and came down for “friendship,” but it was sex and then two months of dating again.  She emailed and asked me how my date was.  Since I won’t write really I said, “Didn’t happen.”  Then she said, “Why?  You ok?”  I said, “Long story.  All good.”  Then with incorrect punctuation she said that she wanted to know the story and asked how my son was.  I realized Hemingway sentences were not working right now so I said, “If you want to build a friendship with me, call sometime.  _______ is wonderful.”  Then silence on the chess board.  What a piece of work.

I do not miss that party bus, let me tell you.  It’s taken nearly a season free of seeing her less once, but I really do get it now.  I also get her.  We had slept together once in October and I told her, “I just couldn’t see doing a lifetime of this,” and I still can’t.  I also can’t interact much with her.  She will do what she does.  Her rapid fire questioning and her nicey-nicey stuff.  I can’t control her, but I can stay mostly cool with her.  My next response is already written and it will piss her off to high hell and keep her quiet for a week.  I’m hoping that someday, she just won’t contact me at all.  I think that will happen when I fall in love with a woman.  That will take me some time, but I am mostly just glad to have reassurance that she will be civil in public to me.  That’s a good way to end it.

It’s a good way to end a possible dating prospect with exchanging information regarding where you are too.  I’m not going to hustle for a friendship with her, but I’m here and will chat with her whenever she’d like.  I certainly won’t rapid fire questions or try to get her to talk to me by acting superficially disingenuous!

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Ready, set

I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit.  It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it.  It was in a blog.  I had to post it.  Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives.  I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity.  Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram.  That’s it.

I’m pairing down.  I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them.  Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son.  Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact.  I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church.  Some of them know who I am too.  As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use.  He said, “We go to your church.  We love to hear you read.”  I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice.  No clue who this guy is.  But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something.  You help people in your community.

I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there.  I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there.  I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college.  She is barely bi.  I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state.  She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t.  Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child.  He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life.  My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Church girl never wrote back.  I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date.  I don’t think that she’s consistent.  That’s something that I am.  I’m also willing to work hard and see things through.  Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future.  Her first partner died.  I don’t know how.  But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.

My ex cannot always make me smile.  Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her.  She must control all moves.  My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world.  I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her.  My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.

I’m really ready to move forward.  I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week.  They are my family.  I have a beautiful son.  Our dog is very sweet.  I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes.  I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.

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No agenda

I wrote to the girl from church yesterday and did so, as I wrote, more for myself than anything else.  I had no agenda doing it, but rather wanted her to know about what really was bad timing on our part.  We had a nice first date.  We talked fairly easily and were good just walking loops around the park–I think that total we spent about three-hours together, which is a long first date.  I think that it was easier because she and I had seen each other and also sat together several times.

I told her the truth.  I explained that ours was definitely a favorite of my first dates, and I have had LOTS of dates.  I also explained that my ex came down the following week, and then I found myself back in the same pattern, but after two months, I realized that I was the one who had changed and she hadn’t.  I told her that I don’t desire a friendship with her, but on the off-chance that we would run into each other, I’d like to be civil.  About five-years ago, I told a friend, “There are twelve lesbians in ______ , and they all talk.”  I repeated that for sometime, and then just decided to increase the number each time someone said, “______ , there are more than that!”  I’m only up to 51.  This is a cliquey and small community.

I still don’t know if she’ll go out with me.  She seems to hang with the fifty-ish women from church.  But, honestly, I always call it the Church O’ Boyz.  There just aren’t many women there period.  Also, she has had tons of stress as of late because she has been unable to find employment, and belongs to the “no expectations, no disappointments” school.  I don’t go there.  I have hope and trust in my journey and know that it leads me exactly where I need to be everyday.

My cold is better.  I did wake up very early coughing, but rested in bed for a few and now am typing.  I have the coolest thing in the world right now, but haven’t turned it on yet this morning.  It’s a little wireless speaker with a BIG sound.  I stream Pandora from my phone on Bluetooth and have music nearly throughout my house.  It’s even better than those Bose systems and was a fifth of the price.  I want one more speaker so I can always have music everywhere in my 50s ranch.  I don’t have carpet upstairs so the hardwoods help carry sound.  I love it.  I’m a music freak.

All is quiet on the ex front.  Yay.  I think that it helps to write an answer to a question in the subject of an email and then attach only a link in the body.  That is my comfort zone.  Hey, I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and have zero compassion, so might as well be that way.  Speaking of which, I have to tell one of my best friends that I don’t want her to move in in June.  Yikes.  It would ruin our friendship.  I’m taking her for grass-fed burgers and brews tonight.  There is live music too if I can stay up.  That gets really hard for me when I have two beers and I have not been able to exercise.  I just have to be honest with her; although, I do know that she needs to decrease her bills by $300.

Seems like I’m being honest with everyone.  Good path, that.  I honestly have thought a lot about the way that the girl from church pulled me closer to her so our abdomens were pressed together when we embraced after our date in August.  She grabbed my arm too and ran her hand down it.  I’m bigger now than I was in the summer too, so she may want to do that again.  Also, sometimes she has played with my hair in church.  I am going early today, but when I do see her again at a later service, I’m going to flirt.  Hell, I’m single.

I wonder if there will be some nice girls at the 5Ks in April.  Who knows?  However, I draw the line at on-line shit.  I had a couple of girls from there in 2008 – 09, but they were not women that I would have ever organically run into, so.  One was a cowgirl who lived in a neighboring state.  She was awesome in bed, but not a great kisser.  The other one was a damn Gemini who did all the back and forth mindfuck stuff.  I let that one completely go and then three-months later she wanted to do a summit with me.  WTF?  Sounds like Bette though.  Hmm…

I know that she is out there.  I’d love to go to dinner with the girl from church, but the ball is in her court given that when we had a date, I was like a cautionary tale.  I apologized for that, and told her that I wish her peace, prosperity, and a path to her ONE.

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Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?

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Just what I needed to hear

There are no coincidences in this life, and I have found that I can either embrace where I am in my journey and move forward, or I can keep doing crazy things that are not mindful either only to be faced with similar circumstances when conditions are the same, or being miserable when I’m trying to ferret through them feeling imbalanced.  I think that Einstein is the one who said, “Crazy is doing the same thing, but expecting a different result.”  Why would I have thought that she could just be herself with me and we could form a friendship?

Nakedly mean is gone, but now she is back to pseudo encouragement and I found her signature in one of her notes completely disingenuous and actually revolting.  I remember everything, and it’s a nickname that one of the girls from the bday trip that we took last fall calls her.  This is a girl who Bette says, “I don’t really respect her or the way she leads her life.”  Nice.  Good judgmental stuff and completely phony when you act sweet as pie around her when we were all together.

When she was saying that she doesn’t know where her relationship will go, and that she didn’t like what happened visa vi her new gf’s ex, she also said, “I don’t like dating.  I like to be in a relationship.”  I told her that it is good that she is dating and that I believe she will learn a lot about herself and who she is while she does it.  She reiterated and laughed a little and said, “But, I really don’t like it.”

I have dated for six-years.  In fact, I have not gotten a hard commitment for Saturday night, and if she is not in church today and I don’t hear from her, it will just be too gamey for me.  It is completely possible that her friends are saying, “Don’t do this, she will just get back with her ex, ” but if that’s the case, then she is too swayed by other people.  So, we shall see what church is like today.

The engineer’s Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly while Bette and I were at the death psychic.  I have written to her and offered my support.  That’s terrible and odd that it happened the night that it did.  I also heard one of the songs that Bette said that I’d like, because my very young client came to session asking if I heard it.  It’s catchy, but I couldn’t listen to it much because it’s too repetitive.  Songs like this always remind me of when I couldn’t get “Personal Jesus” out of my head.  I didn’t even buy “Violator” because I used to nearly vomit hearing that over-played song.  The one that she recommended has already been parodied a ton too and came out at the end of August.  We just don’t get music as fast here as they do back East.  I wrote her two or three lines, and then all the superficial stuff ensued.  I told her that what I am comfortable with is exchanging pleasantries when we run into each other, and that I wish her the best.

I think that’s it.  It’s binary.  When emotions get tripped–I did tell her that I was going to date the girl from church and get over the ten-year age difference–she can go two ways.  She can get mean and talk about how awful I am, or she can be superficially encouraging.  Both of these reactions do not come from the heart and lack authenticity.  No thanks.  I told her that I’m done for a long time.  And since I have never contacted her, it actually means that there will be no contact at all.  When we do see each other–it will probably be the women’s cycling event in September–we can exchange pleasantries.  I’m not being her friend or do I want a friendship.  I’m just glad that my memories of her will not culminate into her being nasty to me in public, and that would be the sole outcome of a life-changing relationship for me.

I got into one of the pages that I like this morning.  An article by Cole caught my attention immediately with some quoted teasers.  It talked about learning through painful experiences.  I believe it.  I read the article and it talked about counting your blessings in crisis, and fully taking in what happened to you during it and how it impacted you.  That’s it.  I know how she impacted me: 1) I get things ready for my son so he knows that I care, 2) We got our dog, and 3) I am in the best shape of my life and continue to strive for more, and 4) I am ready to be vulnerable regardless of being unable to tell an outcome.  That is all I need, because I don’t need criticism, or do I need phoniness while saying judgmental things to other people.

My preference is to see what is there between the girl from church, or to meet some girls when I run or am out and about.  I don’t need friends who I used to sleep with though.  I think it’s healthy for me to be cool with ex-lovers, but not to be close with ex-lovers.  Some people can probably do more middle ground, but when I saw her watching my mouth while I was talking on Thursday night at the bar before we went into the venue, I thought, “Are you kidding me?”  She also touched my forearms and perhaps my upper arms too many times while she was talking to me, but couldn’t give me a proper hug.  We are just not similar people and we don’t show up in ways that mix.  I got it.

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Doy

I don’t mean I give, but I’m pretty much a top, so I guess it has double-meanings.  I can go out on a date again with the child.  My friends keep telling me that she is not a child, but 28 does freak me out, but I’ll just get over it.  I’ve seen her for over a year, and have talked to her since last July, so it fits my “know well” thing.  Plus, she wrote, “How about a juicy mango?” on my status last week.  Hello?  I talked to her yesterday and we had ease in conversation and then when I got to my practicum site I said, “Can I take you out to dinner next Saturday night?” and she said, “That sounds good!  I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.”  We’ll go to a trendy spot in a gentrified area just north and west of downtown, and I’ll tell her a start time, so we have two cars.  If the convo is good, I’ll walk her to her car and hug her again.  If she grabs my bicep again, I’ll finally kiss her.  I’ve known her eight months.  So, I do have a girl I can date.

Bette HeyTelled yesterday morning, and at the end of it she said, “Are we going to be able to be friends?”  So, I just called her.  I talked to her about various things and then she posed the question again, and I said, “You know, _____ , I originally just wanted to be amiable when I could feel your new girl’s energy and realized that you couldn’t say such mean things to me unprovoked if there wasn’t another moving right in.  But now after seeing you, it gets convoluted.  I just wanted us to be cool on the off chance that we see each other out and about, but now…  So, I just need to take time.  I’m quick at work, and in fact, my colleagues always say, ‘There is ______ , on a mission!” but in my personal life I am not like that.  I rely on observations and need lots of them to make decisions.  Last night was just too convoluted.”

Then she said, “Well, the ball is really in your court, and you’ll need to contact me.”  I said, “_____ , that could be years.”  And she said that was ok.  About a half an hour later she apologized for ever hurting me and indicated that she really meant it.  Then she texted again and said that she loves me and that I still have a significant piece of her heart.  I texted, “Thank you.  I love you too.”  And I do.  I fell completely in love with her and she was a critical part of my journey.

However, I really need to date.  I don’t know if it’s feasible to date a whole bunch of women, because I am away from my house a minimum of 11-hours daily getting things done.  I don’t have time or a method to meet lots of girls.  However, I’m NOT having sex next weekend.  I think that the end of the month is a good idea for that.  Because then it has been nearly four-months since I have, and that is always a good marker for me to rid another girl’s energy from me.  I don’t want her to feel Bette when we do connect if it proceeds that way.  I know that she wants to, and that she wanted to make out on the street when we had our date in August.  Slow build up this month seems good.  She is not Peter Pan either and has always told me the truth.  We should be good.  At least it’s a fun prospect, and I’ll just get over her age.

Such a strange path.  My shrink is right, and you certainly cannot bend the river.  I don’t want to, and am ready to float down, while I can appreciate and avoid fervor or rapids.  Canoe seems good.

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Stream of consciousness

I haven’t seen her in about 10-weeks and tonight will be a funny reconnection.  We are seeing a psychic do a “presentation?”  I don’t know what she does, but my friend who I don’t completely trust, but has been in my life for nine-years said this woman is amazing.  She apparently can channel many lost loved ones.  Not that I subscribe to coincidences anyway, but it is amazing that this night takes place the night before her father passed a year ago.  I don’t know what she’ll channel, but it will be fascinating, I’m sure.

I wrapped some natural chicken thighs in non-nitrate turkey bacon and am baking them.  It smells good.  I cut up three gigantic carrots and diced some onions and celery hearts and put them in the bottom on the crock.  I soaked the lentil blend last night.  I’ll combine them with broth before I go to work.  The boys will have a comforting pot of food.

I’m feeling pretty neutral.  I remember when I met her for a glass of wine in mid-October I felt this same way.  She looked liked shit that night too, because she was worried about her surgery, so it was easy just to chat.  She said something shitty to me and touched my hand and I pulled back.  It was condescending.  I hope that I don’t have to put up with much of her shit tonight.  I just want to laugh a little.

We stopped laughing.

We laughed one time in September–when I mistook Mr. Clean for Listerine–and the other times it was completely heavy.  Way too serious.

Was it just a dopamine rush for three-months?  Waaaay back in 2011…  I think that there was more, but I do think that she was on her best behavior with me, and then couldn’t maintain.  She does these highly affected things so she won’t look like a controller.  Her moods are really intense and completely volatile.

If we don’t laugh tonight, I won’t do anything but send cards.  She told me to tell her when I’m dating, but I don’t want that energy around when I finally do sleep with someone.  And, I don’t want to sleep with anyone who I don’t know again, so I’m just doing the friend surrounding currently.

I was craving apples yesterday morning so I posted it.  The girl ten-years my junior who I had a date with last summer wrote about a “juicy mango?”  I took that like an offer so I posted it.  Honestly, I really wouldn’t mind sleeping with her every other weekend if that would be appealing to her.  I may ask at the end of March.  I do miss Shane for that reason given that in 2009 she was 10-minutes away, and we could hook up and it was fun, and low maintenance.  I do know this young girl, so that would fit my current bill.  However, does it delay her being able to look for a partner and have some kids?  I’m direct.  I may ask.  I’ll see how she presents in church on Sunday before I ask.

I have all of this work to do.  I have to get it all done by 4/30 too.  Insane.  Especially when I’m already working 60-hours a week and am pushing 40.  On top of all of this, I’m on new meds for acne that make having my cycle what I do everyday nearly.  That is just lovely as well.

I wonder why I’m happy?  I am.  I have taken to holding my son against my chest laying parallel to the length of the sofa and toward the corner while I read to him.  He was sick last Wednesday and we started this tradition.  I have great friends.  The little circle of lesbians that I’m finally assembling (after wanting it for nearly two-years) is taking off and now our dinner parties will rove.  I have a lead for my doctoral internship.  I’m out of a negative relationship.  I think I get why life is good and I’ll take that energy with me tonight to the psychic.

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Fears

Many behaviors that we exhibit, which are complex and seemingly not sensical at times, are merely a function of our level of anxiety that we experience when specific in situations.  I am worried about being unable to get along for an hour, but I know that I am much more well-polished with those skills than she is.  For example, I have to see my ex-husband literally all of the time.  I am completing clinical hours after work, so he has to pick up our son after school.  It is rare that we have disagreements and I simply refuse to engage in anything similar to a power struggle with him when he explodes.  About quarterly, he annoys me with an explosion of temper, but I don’t say anything to our son.  I tell him, “I’m not going to engage with you like this,” and I probably could have done stuff like that with my ex too, but she attacks and dehumanizes with her words.  That is for her and her new girlfriend to work out 🙂

She is anxious.  She emailed me five or six times last Tuesday, and last night–very late–she did so twice and from her social media site.  When you have been with a controller and you are trained like I am, you know why she does what she does.  However, I don’t have to open the next email from her, because it’s similar to the first one.  She will not “see” anything, because I won’t open it, and if she really, really wants to share songs with me,  she can email me to my account and send one of those “read upon receipt” sending conditions.  She doesn’t attach a file, but rather says, “I like the beat in this song,” or “You’d love this song.”  Some of these contacts make me feel like she is trying to get me to add her back, but I wouldn’t do that for anything and maybe never.  Wow.  Even Shane is better with following friendship rules.

I had written in some summer entries that what you do for a living does matter.  Peter Pan introduced herself to me as a teacher, but is actually an assistant who does not work full-time.  Not only was it distasteful for her to lie for two months, but it also made her free and easy, fly-by-the-seat of your pants, screw at one in the morning before you go home attitude make a lot of sense as well.  What you do for a living effects your show-up factors.  My ex is used to everyone around her lying to her and getting away with things, so she crafts control through methods that seem legitimate.  I’m just used to her, so I simply know why she does things in the method that she does.  If she can truly switch careers next year, as she has made a good product, she will likely soften some, which will be very good for her son and those who she caretakes.

I told my shrink that because I do what I do, I may be alone forever.  She laughed, and said, “No, but you are likely to be more discerning with relationship.”  What I am really glad about is that when I’m just enjoying–not when I’m fighting or being treated badly–I don’t even think psychologically.  However, when a relationship is ending or has ended, I do know what my exes will do.  Again, I just don’t have to engage.

We need friendship ground rules.  I’ve been thinking that it could be necessary to tell her that I am am very much on-the-fence that we can be friends.  I think that we can be cool and be amiable, but I believe 1) your partner is your best friend, and 2) she is so intense that the level of friendship that she and I would have–meaning with which I am comfortable–would not be fulfilling for her.  What do I want?  Very little to be honest.

Infrequent contact seems more normal to me, as does hanging out annually or a couple of times a year.  I have to also be honest and also say that it would be much easier for me to come over to her house after snowshoeing when I have a girlfriend who is there with me.  There still exists this power differential and I don’t know if she can keep her mouth shut about sex with me.  I guess that many of these musings shall be answered after Thursday.  I have to go commute in through the snow in an hour, so I’m signing off for this day.